Torn Asunder
by EM79
Summary: A tragedy threatens to destroy Olivia. Can she weather the storm with Alex's help? Or will her grief prove to be too much for the strong detective? Olivia/OFC, Olivia/Alex
1. Chapter 1

**Torn Asunder**

_**Disclaimer: I don't own any part of the show Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, including the characters featured in the programme. This story may make references to events in some episodes of the show with possible spoilers for Loss, Ghost, PC and Witness in particular. For the most part though, the story is non-cannon. It explores a loving, physical relationship between two women so if this offends you, is illegal where you live or simply isn't your cup of tea, I suggest you hit the back button now.**_

_**Pairing: Olivia/OFC, Alex/Olivia. I'm usually an Alex/Olivia shipper myself but for this story, I've paired Liv up with an original character. There will be plenty of Alex/Olivia interaction though so please give it a go before abandoning it!**_

_**Rating: M / 18**_

_**Author's Note: This is my first SVU fic so I'd really love to hear what you think of it. Constructive criticism is always gladly received – nobody is perfect and the only way to improve is through critical study of oneself. So if anything moves you sufficiently, be it good, bad or downright ugly, I'd love for you to drop me a line to tell me your thoughts, if you feel so inclined via PM or by way of a review**__**. I am from the UK so some spellings may seem odd! If this seems familiar, it has also recently been posted on the Passion & Perfection website.**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday February 2<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**16.19 **_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

Detective Olivia Benson sat numbly on the tiny cot in the crib, the hustle and bustle of the squad room imperceptible to her ears. Her eyes were fixed on the wall opposite her but her gaze reached much farther than the wall. She had no concept of her surroundings, no anchor with which to tether herself in the tumultuous storm raging within her mind.

"How long has she been like this?" Dr George Huang, FBI psychologist and regular consultant to the 1-6, asked quietly.

"Ever since we got back to the precinct. She refused to go to the hospital, locked herself in the shower and then secreted herself away up here. I've tried talking to her but…nothing. It's like she can't even hear me." Detective Elliott Stabler's voice was tight with concern for his partner, a woman whose stoicism ordinarily masked any kind of pain she was feeling, no matter how deep she was cut.

"It's possible she can't, she was close enough to the explosion to cause some temporary residual percussive hearing loss." Huang explained before enquiring, "did she acknowledge your presence at all?"

Elliot turned away from the tiny window in the door to the crib before answering. "Not once, not even when I reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder to try to get her attention."

"Then I think you're right, we're dealing with something more deep seated than a physical reaction to the explosion itself. I'd say that Olivia is in shock right now and will need a lot of help and support to prevent this from developing into full blown PTSD. I'll try talking to her, see if I can evaluate what her current state of mind is." George placed his hand on the door handle preparing himself for the task ahead. His concentration was interrupted by the rapid clicking of heels skittering across the linoleum surface of the squad room floor before hurriedly climbing the stairs towards the two men. ADA Alexandra Cabot swept into view, her face a mask of sincere concern for a woman she considered to be a good friend.

"Where is she? How is she? And why the hell is she not in a hospital?" The stunning, slender blonde came to a halt mere inches away from the taller, broader detective who looked as though he could swat her aside with little more effort than it would take to waft a feather.

"Easy there Counsellor, she's in no fit state to be interrogated by the DA's office just now." Elliot positioned himself between Alex and the door protectively.

"Credit me with a little more humanity than that Detective Stabler. Olivia is my _friend_ too and I would like to see for myself that she's alive and in one piece. Why are you standing around? Have you already solved this case? I don't recall receiving any requests for arrest warrants or warrants of any kind come to that. Would you not be of more use doing some actual police work?" Alex stood tall and fiercely faced Elliot down, cobalt blue eyes boring into his own brown orbs, her face millimetres from the brawny detectives.

"I was just going to assess Olivia, Elliot was filling me in on how she has been since she got to the precinct." George supplied, hoping to diffuse the tension between the pair, both of whom were apparently fiercely protective of the mute brunette in the crib.

"Assess her? Why?" Alex shifted her intense gaze to the FBI psychologist, expression demanding answers.

Elliot stood aside and allowed Alex to see Olivia through the window in the door they were congregated outside of. The blonde attorney took in the rigid posture, the vacant stare, the shallow breathing, the numerous shrapnel wounds peppering the normally flawless olive skin and drew in a sharp breath

"She's not said a word since it happened, won't respond at all, it's like she's not in there," Elliot stated gently, conceding that Alex just had Olivia's best interests at heart, that she was there as a friend, not in a professional capacity.

"And you expected what exactly Elliot? She just watched the woman she loved get blown up in front of her eyes, don't you think she's entitled to be in shock right now? How would you feel if it was Kathy, God forbid?" Alex's irritation was irked again until she locked eyes once more with Olivia's partner and saw his stunned disbelief. "Oh God, you didn't know? Olivia hadn't told you?"

"Our vic was Olivia's girlfriend? Since when? Are you sure you have the right person? Liv's always dated guys." Elliot was stunned by the news, it threw a whole new light on the investigation…and his relationship with Liv. Why hadn't she told him she was dating someone? Was she really gay or just experimenting after a string of less than ideal male partners? How long had she kept it from him? How did Alex know? And what other secrets did his partner have?

"That's something Olivia will need to fill you in on, when she is ready to." Alex took a deep breath trying to reign in her desire to throttle Olivia's partner who, whilst he loved Liv dearly, could be infuriatingly oblivious to her struggles and triumphs. "Let me try reaching out to her before you consign her to a psych ward somewhere, please? We all know what that would mean for her future in this job." Huang and Elliot both conceded the attorney's point, standing aside to allow Alex to enter the small dormitory.

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><p><em><strong>Monday February 2<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**05.55**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

"I'm going to be late if you don't stop that!" Olivia laughed lightly as Sam's only response was simply to grind herself harder against the solid toned thigh she had straddled. The laughter ceased, replaced by a sharp intake of breath as two fingers expertly found their way inside Liv's core.

"But your body seems to be betraying you, it doesn't seem to think me stopping is such a good plan," the diminutive blonde panted as she struggled to control her own rising passion. No matter how much of the beautiful brunette Sam had, it was never enough; Olivia Benson was like some lethally potent drug, one taste created a lifetime addiction.

"I can't help it if you drive me wild, but I really do have to get to work so what say we move this to the shower?" Olivia ground out reluctantly willing her hips to remain still despite an almost overwhelming desire to ride the digits teasing her most sensitive intimate places.

"I'd rather keep you right here, I'm sure there are still some undiscovered delights on this ravishing body of yours!" Sam quipped, pressing a little more firmly into Olivia, brushing her thumb in a feather-light circular motion across the hooded bundle of nerves and causing the buxom brunette to buck her hips involuntarily.

"You have no idea…" Olivia gasped as Sam's lips closed around a swollen, sensitive nipple, "…how much I would _love_ to oblige but I have to go to work, I'm due in court at ten and I've got a mountain of paperwork I need to finish and prep with Alex before then." Olivia's rational mind was struggling to retain her control, tiny voices within her joining together to form an almost deafening crescendo pleading with her to give in to her lover's ministrations.

"You really want me to stop?" Sam asked gently as she stilled her hand, a teasing quality to her voice that sent shivers along Olivia's spine. "'Cause, you know, I will…right now, just say the word." Mischief danced in Sam's startlingly blue eyes and Olivia knew if she told her to stop, she would be walking around all day with a one of a kind of itch that needed to be scratched. With a growl that emanated from low in her throat, Olivia used her muscular frame to switch their positions so that she was in the dominant position on top. She eased herself back down onto her girlfriend's fingers, shuddering with desire as Sam sneakily added a third finger to the mix. The brunette supported her weight on one arm, legs spread as she straddled her prone lover's thigh, clasping Sam's free hand in Olivia's own and looking deep into her hypnotic eyes, the detective begun to ride the fingers buried deep within her in earnest. For precious moments, unspoken conversation flowed between the two women, each assuring the other of the depth and truth of their connection. The hush was disturbed by a low guttural keening that grew in intensity as Olivia's climax drew closer, her thigh rubbing against her lover's core and driving Sam ever onwards to her own peak. The older woman collapsed against her blonde partner as aftershocks rippled through both of their bodies.

When she had regained some semblance of awareness, Olivia laughed huskily and placed a tender kiss against the slender blonde's lips. "Did I ever tell you that you are an incredibly bad influence on me, Sami? Sexy as hell but definitely a bad influence!" Both women laughed together, sharing another brief kiss before Olivia finally, reluctantly tore herself away from the warm and inviting embrace.

"So are you telling me I shouldn't join you in the shower then?" Sam called after her lover's naked retreating form, admiring the sway of her curvaceous hips and wondering, not for the first time, what she had done to deserve such an incredible woman in her life.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday February 2<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**16.27**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

Alex opened the door quietly and slipped inside, closing it behind her just as stealthily. With some trepidation she approached the seemingly catatonic detective.

"Olivia?" If the older woman heard her name being called, she showed no outward signs of it. Alex continued her approach, adopting what she hoped was a similarly soothing tone to the one she had heard the brunette herself use when trying to engage a traumatised victim. "Liv, sweetheart, none of us can even begin to understand the pain you must be feeling right now, but I want you to know that I will do whatever I can to help you." Alex reached the bed on which Olivia had been seated ever since she had showered. The willowy blonde attorney stood beside the cot unsure of whether to reach out to the silent brunette. Calling on the still painful memories of how she had felt when she had her life snatched away from her after being shot and forced into Witness Protection, Alex laid a gentle hand on the rigid shoulder before her, offering stoic, silent support. The magnitude of vibrations humming through the taut body beneath her palm did not surprise her; she knew that no matter how serene and detached Liv appeared outwardly, internally there was a fierce battle raging. Almost imperceptibly, Alex felt Olivia move; the gap between her own toned stomach and Olivia's ragged brunette head grew ever smaller as though the older woman was drawn to the quiet comfort being offered. Alex slid her hand from the shoulder closest to her to its opposite number, her arm draped carefully across the broad, tense expanse of the detective's shoulders. The attorney raised her other hand to gently brush Olivia's damp hair away from her face, caressing her cheek in maternal fashion whilst being careful to navigate around the scrapes and bruises. The tender touches seemed to break the dam which had been keeping Liv prisoner within her own mind. As though realising for the first time that she was not alone, Olivia turned to Alex, wrapping her arms around the tiny waist tightly and sobbing into the expensive fabric of the attorney's suit. The move caught Alex by surprise causing her to topple over and resulting in her half sitting, half lying on the cot with Olivia still gripping her tightly. With little regard for her own comfort, Alex held Olivia tenderly, not wishing to hug her too hard in case she aggravated unseen injuries, soothing a hand through the tousled short brown locks and whispering heartfelt assurances of support to the distraught woman. She knew that nothing could fill the chasm that had been created with the detonation of that bomb but would strive to do everything within her power to help the woman sobbing in her arms find some sort of equilibrium again.

"Captain, I just got some information on the Samia Camanetti case that I think you should hear." Elliot had raced down the stairs as soon as Alex had shut the door to the crib.

Munch & Fin drew closer, both keen to be informed of any lead on the newest case to affect the squad. Whilst they were not directly investigating it, each of them wanted to have the chance to catch the individual responsible for putting one of their own in the line of fire.

"What is it Detective?" Cragen's ordinarily gruff voice was clipped, the only indicator of his anger at what Olivia had been forced to witness.

"Olivia knew her before this morning." Elliot paused, unsure how to phrase his bombshell finally opting to handle it as he would any other case they were investigating. "It appears that Olivia had a close personal relationship with the deceased. A very close, very personal relationship. I think we met her during the Pathitis case, the name never registered 'til now." There was a momentary silence as each member of the squad took in the revelation.

"That was Liv's lover? Man that is cold. What kind of sick bastard would do something like that?" Fin raged, not in the least perturbed by the news that Liv had been dating a woman.

"So this could be someone out to exact some kind of revenge on Olivia? Anyone made threats against her recently? She gone out of her way to piss anyone off?" Munch queried, mentally running through the list of possible cases recently worked on to try and come up with some suspects.

"Munch, Fin, I want you to look into Ms Camanetti's background, see if there is anything there we need to know, any connections to anyone who might have reason to want her or Olivia dead. Elliot, I want your statement ready for the Major Case squad by end of play today, make sure it's done and make sure it's thorough. We want to give them every opportunity to catch this perp. When you're done, review recent case files for anyone who threatened revenge on Olivia for their arrest. Anything you think warrants further investigation, pass it on to the detectives investigating the case." The detectives begun to drift away but their captain's firm voice halted their exodus. "People, we all know that you cut one of us, we all bleed but that is no excuse to turn this into a personal crusade." The savvy captain made sure to catch the eye of each of the men, driving home that it was not up for debate. "We will all do whatever we can to assist with this case and to support Detective Benson but our job is to investigate our own cases, to offer the victims who come to us their chance at seeing justice done. Do your jobs gentlemen and then go home, let the other detectives do their job." Cragen turned on his heel, closing his office door behind him and picking up the telephone on his desk to call the squad dealing with the bombing and update them on the latest finding.

Alex and Olivia clung to one another, the hush broken only by Olivia's rasping despair. When the older woman's sobs subsided, Alex hoped that she had succumbed to the need to rest, that her body had decided to close down for a while to allow Liv's mind to switch off. In reality however, Alex knew that even sleep would not release the brunette from her nightmare, that the scenes she had witnessed would remain with her through many waking and sleeping moments for a long time to come.

"Why Alex? Why? What had Sam done to anyone? She was a grade school teacher…" Olivia's already hoarse voice cracked as a fresh re-run of the day's images assaulted her mind.

"It's too early for us to have any kinds of answers for you, sweetheart but the guys are doing everything they can to help the investigating detectives figure this out. Right now, your priority needs to be taking care of yourself. Please, Liv, let me take you to the hospital and get these cuts seen to? I don't want to lose you because an infection sets in." Alex pleaded with her friend.

"I don't care." Olivia was quiet for a moment but Alex could tell there was more she wanted to say and so kept her peace. "How am I supposed to go on? How do I live with that? With those images? I loved her Alex, I loved her but I left her there to die. I should have stayed, I should be with her." Olivia broke down once again, sobbing into Alex's chest.

"You did what you had to do, what Sam wanted you to do. We'll find a way to get through this together. I'm not letting you go Olivia, you don't have to do this alone," Alex assured her closest friend, scared by the dark path Liv's thoughts were travelling despite understanding them. "It's not easy to have everything you live for taken away from you in a single moment; to have the actions of someone else dictate the path for what seems like the rest of your life; to have so many potential memories and milestones stolen from you," Alex recounted, having lived through those dark days herself, "but you do get through it, day by day. The sun keeps rising and setting, you keep putting one foot in front of another and each day the pain dulls just a little bit more. I won't patronize you Liv, it never truly goes away but it does become less of a cross to bear."

"I can't do that alone Alex, I'm not you, I'm not that strong," Olivia admitted quietly, heart clenching at the thought of facing her apartment and not being greeted by her lover's warm embrace; of never again returning home to Sam's sweet melodic voice singing along to some random song on the stereo; of having to face the teacher's parents who had accepted Olivia into the family like one of their own.

"You'll never need to do it alone; you have me, Elliot, Fin, Munch, Captain Cragen. We are all going to help you in whatever ways you need us to. But you're wrong, you are every bit as strong as me and undoubtedly a whole lot stronger too. What you saw today, what you witnessed, what you had to do to save other lives, _that_ called for strength beyond measure."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday February 2<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**11.53**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

"How'd it go in court?" Fin asked as Olivia strolled back into the squad room, draping her suit jacket over the back of her chair.

"Jury's out, shouldn't be too long before the verdict's in though. Four of his victims testified clearly and articulately about the ordeal he subjected them to, that plus the physical evidence tying him to the rapes should be more than enough to see him behind bars for a long time. Some of the jury looked like they would have liked to stick a needle in his arm by the time the fourth victim finished her testimony." Olivia stated, feeling the same satisfied buzz she always got when a perp was caught and justice was about to be served.

"Sounds good. I'm sure the fact that he exposed himself to you when you tried to arrest him didn't harm the case any either," Fin quipped with a wink in Olivia's direction.

"I'd like to think the victims won this case for themselves, Mr Johnson's package neither disturbed nor impressed me," Olivia replied with a small smile.

"Olivia, a Sam Camanetti rang and asked to speak to you earlier. I left a note on your desk but she said she'd ring you on your cell." Munch mentioned, not so subtly digging for information. Fin exchanged a quizzical glance with his partner as Olivia unclipped her cell from her belt and turned it on, looking at the screen expectantly after tossing a distracted, 'thanks' in Munch's direction.

"Hi Liv, it's me. I'm just on a break from class and really missing you. If you get out of court in time, could we meet for lunch? Give me a call back if you get this before midday. Love you." Olivia checked her watch as she finished listening to the message, immediately redialling and walking out of the squad room and away from prying eyes and ears.

"Hey you, how'd it go this morning?" Sam asked as soon as she answered the call, her caller ID having told her that it was her gorgeous lover. Olivia felt her heart warm at the tender tone the young woman used when addressing her, the genuine affection undeniable.

"Hi, it went well I think, should hear soon if it was well enough. So are you still free for lunch?" It wasn't often that Liv even took the time to eat during a shift but she felt an overwhelming need to see the woman who had captured her heart.

"Of course, I'm always free when it comes to seeing you." Olivia thought she picked up an underlying tension and tiny tremor in Sam's voice, it was minute but to the detective's well tuned ears, it was there.

"You ok? Having a rough day? Are the kids giving you hell again?" Liv's voice was soft and inviting, coaxing the teacher to open up to her.

"I'll tell you about it over lunch. Right now I just really need to see you. Meet me at Alessandro's, I can be there in ten minutes, can you get away?" The neediness in her lover's voice surprised Olivia. Sam was normally such an independent, care-free spirit. She surmised that it must indeed be one heck of a bad day to leave the dedicated teacher so troubled.

"I'll make sure I can, I'll see you there in fifteen. Save me a seat by the window if you can," Olivia murmured, aware of people bustling by her as she stood in a corner of the corridor outside the squad room.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday February 2<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**16.35**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

Olivia pulled away from Alex, sitting upright once again and sheepishly looking at the blonde attorney for the first time since she had entered the room. Horror filled her expression as she took in the sight before her.

"Oh God Alex, you're bleeding! Where are you hurt? Why didn't you tell me? What happened?" Questions fired rapidly off the brunette detective's tongue, hands palpitating and skimming over Alex's blood-covered blouse to find the source. Alex calmly placed her own hands on top of Olivia's, stilling their frantic motion and bringing them to rest against Alex's thighs.

"Olivia, I'm not hurt. It's not my blood…it's yours." Alex's heart was pounding as she surveyed the amount of her friend's blood which was now seeping into the fabric of her cotton blouse. "Please Liv, let me take you to the hospital. This is your blood and there's too much of it out here for my liking." Olivia looked down at her own bloodied shirt, a disbelieving expression on her face. She looked back at Alex, confusion evident across her expressive features.

"I don't feel any pain." A frown, which under other circumstances Alex might have found adorable, settled across the brunette's brow, swiftly followed by the small amount of colour remaining in her face draining away to leave her normally vibrant skin sallow.

"It's ok sweetie, you're in shock, that's normal," Alex lied flawlessly, knowing adrenaline should have worn off long ago. "We're going to the hospital now to get you checked over and to get these cuts cleaned up and dressed. Do you think you can walk down to my car?" Olivia nodded uncertainly, realising that she really should follow Alex's advice and get her injuries tended to. She rose unsteadily, reaching blindly for something to anchor her as her head swam and her vision receded into a vast white space.

Alex watched Olivia go to stand and bolted upright to catch her as the detective lost the battle with consciousness. She lay the slender woman back on the cot they had been seated on scant moments previously and raced to the door, ignoring every etiquette lesson she had ever been subjected to as she hollered into the bullpen for someone to call a bus.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimers: See chapter 1**_

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><p><em><strong>Monday February 2<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**12.14**_

_**Alessandro's diner, Manhattan**_

Olivia entered the small, intimate diner, scanning the crowd for the beautiful, blonde woman she was meeting. She spied her seated at a window table, looking lost in thought as she twisted a steaming mug around and around on the table top. Olivia approached her stealthily, wondering what could have happened during the morning at school to have depressed Sam's ordinarily vibrant spirits so thoroughly. As she drew level with the booth where her lover was seated, Liv dropped a gentle kiss on her bowed head and slid in opposite, facing the door – Sam had picked up on Olivia's preference for always keeping the entrance in her line of sight early on in their relationship.

"Hey babe, want to talk about it?" Liv enquired softly as she settled herself into the booth, laying a gentle hand on Sam's wrist and caressing it tenderly with her thumb, trying to coax the blonde into raising her head. When Sam did finally look up, the brunette's blood ran cold. The cascade of soft curls had been hiding the teacher's down-turned face. Now that she was looking directly at Olivia, the detective could see the younger woman's left eye was swollen, a large bruise already purpling her skin, her bottom lip on the same side was split and had obviously been bleeding. Olivia gasped, the protector in her coming to the fore. "Who did this to you?" she whispered fiercely across the table, realising the distraught woman would not want her to make a scene and undoubtedly that had been why the diner was chosen as their lunch location.

"I don't know who he was. He was waiting at the school when I got there this morning, I thought he was a workman, I never paid any attention to him. He grabbed me at the first break in classes and made me call you to arrange to meet here. He gave me this to give to you." Sam slipped an envelope across the table to her lover, eyes brimming with unshed tears. "Who could it be, Olivia? How did he know who I am and where I work? He seemed to know where we both live, said he's been watching our apartments. Why would someone do this to us? He had a gun for heaven's sakes." Olivia did not reply, her eyes expressing her fury, her confusion and her pain in fleeting moments. Taking a napkin from the stack on the table, Olivia picked up the envelope and used the handle of Sam's teaspoon to lift the flap.

_"Let's see just how heroic you really are Detective Benson. We gave your girlfriend another little surprise for you, a real treat. Strapped to her is a vest containing a bomb large enough to level the building you are sitting in. Three larger bombs have been planted at St Joseph's school. You get to choose who you save: clear the school and the diner and save the children and all the people sitting around you leaving your girlfriend to die or try to save your girlfriend and everyone dies by your hand. As soon as you try to diffuse the bomb that is strapped to her we will immediately detonate all the bombs; the one she is wearing and those planted at her school. Tick tock Detective, make your choice or all four bombs will go off and you will be responsible for many needless deaths. You have one hour to make your move or it will be made for you. We are watching."_

Olivia felt her stomach drop as she read the note which had been contained the plain brown envelope. Her head shot up and she locked eyes with her lover, for the first time registering the abject terror held within them. Her gaze flickered to the zip up jacket Sam wore, registering the irregular bulges it concealed, familiar enough with the smaller woman's body to know they were not normally there. Tears pricked her vision as her mind raced with the potential consequences of her actions of the next hour. "Show me," she whispered, mimicking pulling the zipper down a short way on her own leather jacket. She glanced around the diner, holding a hand up to stall Sam as a waitress approached their table. With forced cheerfulness, Olivia ordered a black coffee and a club sandwich, knowing both would remain untouched, only turning her attention back to her lover once she was satisfied they were unlikely to be observed or interrupted again within the following few moments. Sam's hands shook and a single tear slipped from her right eye as she fumbled with the zipper, managing to lower it enough for Olivia to see a digital display counting backwards; the display currently read 57:34, the figures decreasing in sickeningly rapid succession. Wires protruded from a vest packed with tubular shaped explosive charges and Olivia did not need to see any more to know that this was a very real threat. She motioned for Sam to pull the zip back up to avoid creating panic amongst the other diners.

"Liv I know what that note says and you know what you _have_ to do. I've lived some, I've known the best love of my life these past nine months and I've seen at least some of the world. You need to save those kids, they deserve to have the same opportunities I've had." Sam's voice quivered as she spoke, betraying her firm words and revealing the bone-chilling terror of having many pounds of explosives strapped to her body.

"I can't…I…Sam…" Olivia fought to get some kind of grip on the situation. Her heart was hammering in her chest, her hands trembled, palms sweating as she stared into the face of the one person she had chosen to share her life with.

"I know Olivia, I know you can't make that kind of decision. So I'm making it for you. Call your partner, get the school evacuated and then get everyone else out of this diner. Please baby, do it for me and don't you dare blame yourself." Internally, Sam was screaming at herself to fight to survive, to tell Olivia to save her and her alone but she knew neither of their consciences would let them live with the knowledge they sent other innocent people to their deaths.

"No, we're leaving. I'm taking you somewhere away from people and then I'll call Elliot to deal with the school. I've got a friend in the bomb squad, they can talk me through what I need to do to disarm this thing. I'm not playing their game, we've got an hour, we can save everyone." Olivia insisted, making to rise from the booth until a hand on her arm stopped her. She looked down at Sam's hand gripping her sleeve, knuckles white from the force.

"I can't leave. If I move or if you try to disarm this, they will detonate the bombs at the school. I can't live with the knowledge that my own selfishness led to the deaths of so many innocent children. Believe me Liv, I would love to get up from here and walk out with you so you could get this off me but I can't take the risk that they are watching our every move. Call Elliot, get the school evacuated Olivia _please_." Samia pleaded, her voice beginning to verge on hysterical and attracting the attention of the diners seated closest to them. The chirping of Sam's cell phone startled them both, the remaining colour draining from Olivia's face as she viewed the picture message her lover had just received from an unknown number. It contained a photograph of her and Sam, obviously taken only moments before through the window of the diner, with a taunting message beneath it:

"_Tick tock, tick tock Detective, lives depend on you. 54mins and counting."_

All Olivia wanted to do was to wake up from this nightmare. Her mind was racing so fast it was making her queasy; where had the threat come from? Who was behind this? Which case, which psychopath had she overstepped the mark with? How soon could an entire school be cleared? Was it even possible within the hour? How had lunch with her girlfriend turned into staring that same woman's death in the face? With an impending sense of dread, Olivia hit speed-dial on her cell phone, waiting impatiently for her partner to pick up. The rapid fire discussion which followed lasted no more than five minutes and as they disconnected the call, Olivia could already hear Elliot issuing orders to the rest of the squad, scrambling everyone in an attempt to beat the odds and save everyone, Sam included.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday February 2<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**16.56**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

"This is Olivia Benson, 42 years old. Was involved in the bombing on Alessandro's diner earlier today," the paramedic rattled off as they wheeled in the gurney holding the now semi-conscious detective. "Blood pressure and pulse rate have been erratic all the way here, we can't get a definite fix on either but Ms Benson is a little restless and resistant of treatment. We've got her on 100 per cent oxygen to keep her sats stable."

"Involved in what way?" one of the doctors receiving their latest patient enquired, wondering what the delay had been. As far as the hospital was aware, all the casualties had been accounted for from that incident.

"Detective Benson was in close proximity to the diner as the bomb detonated. She refused medical treatment at the scene but later collapsed at the precinct where she is stationed." Alex supplied these details having insisted on riding in the bus along with Olivia, not wanting the traumatised woman to regain consciousness without a familiar face to greet her.

"And you are?" The same doctor asked Alex, his tone sharp and business-like. The formidable blonde levelled a glare at him which left him in no doubt she would prefer his attention be solely on treating his patient.

"Alexandra Cabot, Assistant District Attorney. I'm assigned to Detective Benson's unit, I was with her when she collapsed." Alex's tone matched the doctor's, ice dripping from each syllable as she silently dared him to challenge her further.

"Do you have any information on Detective Benson which might help us treat her injuries? How close she was to the bomb when it detonated for example?" The doctor's tone softened a little, sensing that this woman would not be easily persuaded to leave the patient's side.

"Our information suggests that she was close to the entrance when the explosion occurred, approximately twenty feet from the point of ignition. She appears to have been thrown backwards onto the sidewalk outside of the building; she was lying conscious but dazed when paramedics found her, surrounded by debris from the explosion. The paramedics attempted to attend to her but from what I understand, Detective Benson refused and opted to drive herself back to the precinct," Alex supplied, her gaze falling to the stricken brunette lying sullenly on the bed between herself and the doctor. Olivia's eyes were open but they were glassy and unfocused. Alex was unsure whether that was as a result of her injuries or because she had slipped back into the catatonia which had held her hostage at the precinct. "Doctor…," reading his ID badge, Alex continued, "Doctor Ward, may I speak with you privately for a moment?" The rest of the trauma team had set to work measuring their patient's vital signs and rigging up all manner of monitoring equipment.

"Dr Ramandani, I want a portable x-ray and ultrasound done as a matter of priority, we need to see where all this blood is coming from and just what we are dealing with. Ms Cabot, if you'd care to step this way," Dr Ward led Alex from the room and into a side office, closing the door behind him.

Cutting straight to the chase so as not to delay the doctor from treating her friend any longer than was strictly necessary, Alex relayed the relationship between Olivia and the young woman killed in the earlier explosion to him. "So she might not respond to questions, she's been in shock since it happened, very withdrawn, barely responding to anyone or anything. We would appreciate it if any psychological issues could be treated privately. I will cover any expenses necessary so it does not have to go through her medical insurance."

"I appreciate your candour Ms Cabot and I will make a note on her chart but our only objective in this department is to get Detective Benson stable enough to be moved to a surgical or medical ward where they will be better able to treat her. If you wish to wait, there is a waiting room just down the corridor. I'm sure Detective Benson's family have been contacted and will be on the way. No doubt they will appreciate a familiar face."

"Olivia doesn't have any family besides a half brother in New Jersey whom she hasn't spoken with in over three months. Her emergency contacts are myself and Samia. I'll be in the waiting room, please have someone inform me of her progress." Sensing an objection coming due to her lack of blood relation to Olivia, Alex continued, "if you wait for a family member to give you permission to operate should it come to that, Olivia will die in your ER. It's all in her records, Ms Camanetti and myself are both legally eligible to sign any consent forms you need signing. Given that I am the only remaining signatory, I will need to be kept apprised of her condition so that I may offer informed consent if and when necessary." With a curt nod in response, Dr Ward strode from the room to return to his patient.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday February 2<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**12.39**_

_**Alessandro's Diner, Manhattan**_

Olivia stood in the empty diner facing her lover. Time, they both knew, was rapidly running out. It was looking ever more likely that the bomb disposal experts would not get there in time to save Sam. Olivia reached for the slender, soft hand of her girlfriend, eyes boring into the tear-filled blue orbs gazing back at her.

"I'm so sorry," Olivia's voice broke along with her resolve. Ignoring the very real and increasingly imminent threat to her own health, the brunette stepped closer to the petrified teacher, grasping her trembling hands between her own.

"No Olivia, you turn around right now and walk away. Turn around and don't you dare look back or so help me I will haunt you for eternity." Violent tremors ran through Sam's petite body as she struggled to contain her terror. Tears coursed down her cheeks as she watched Olivia ignore her warning, drawing ever closer to her…and to the bomb that had just minutes remaining until automatic detonation. "I know you did everything you could. You tried your best to save everyone and you did a damn good job. One casualty is a win compared to what might have been. Sweetheart, please don't kill yourself just because that one casualty is me. I don't want to take you with me, you still have so much you need to do, so many lives you can save, so many people to help. It's not your time…"

Olivia's expression turned incredulous at that, as she screamed "and I'm supposed to accept that it's your time? Samia, you're 29 years old, still practically a baby! I can't just leave you here to die, there's still a little time. We can do this, we can get this thing off you…"

Sam's voice gave out as she realised that this was her only chance to say goodbye to her soul mate. Gathering all her remaining strength, she locked eyes with Olivia. "Baby, never forget that I love you with all that I am and I will be in your heart always. Any time you get down or want me, I will be there with you in spirit. You are the most amazing and incredible woman I have ever met. You mean so much to me that I can't express in words, you changed my life, you changed me for the better and I don't regret a single moment of my time with you. Be happy my love, promise me you'll find happiness to fill your life? It's the way I want you to honour my memory." Sam stopped talking as Olivia came to a halt millimetres from her, tears streaming down her own face.

"I can't just leave you here to die alone," Liv sobbed.

"I'm never alone, I carry you with me in my heart, just as you carry me in yours. Now go. Do what you're told for once in your life and get out of here before it's too late. Choose life and don't waste a single second of it." Sam placed a hand over Olivia's heart, feeling its rapid rhythm against her palm as she applied pressure, gently at first but with more force, more insistence as the detective failed to move. Craning her neck forward, Olivia placed one last feather-light kiss against her beautiful lover's lips preparing for oblivion to engulf them both.

"Mommy?" A child's voice rang out in the eerily silent diner. Olivia's head whipped around as the toddler shuffled uncertainly from some unseen hiding place behind the counter.

"Olivia…." Sam's voice filled with horror as she too laid eyes on the child. Her lover was already racing towards the young girl, scooping her up deftly before the infant could escape her grasp. The child struggled but her infantile strength held no comparison to Liv's terror-filled own, which gripped her firmly but tenderly as she cooed quietly to the frightened little girl that she was taking her to her mother, assuring her that she was a police officer and that she was safe. Long strides carried Olivia from the diner and she thrust the girl into the arms of the first uniformed officer she saw. Without pause, she turned and raced back towards the diner, towards her lover, towards what she was convinced was her own fate as well as Sam's. She felt the door handle against her palm just as the world tilted on its axis, the ground sweeping out from under her feet as she was hurled into the air and thrown like a rag doll to the empty sidewalk outside the ruins of Alessandro's diner.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday February 2<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**17.29**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

"Ms Cabot, we're sending Detective Benson up to the OR as soon as one becomes available. She has multiple rib fractures and numerous deep shrapnel wounds which have required extensive stitches. Ms Benson also appears to have taken a significant blow to the head , as a result she is suffering from a slight concussion which could account for some of her confusion and lack of awareness. Our main concern though is some bleeding from her spleen which could be attributed to the impact injury when she was thrown from the diner. The tear in her spleen has been bleeding slowly ever since, Dr Ward is reluctant to wait any longer to see if it will cease bleeding with medical intervention. The surgeons will be able to explain the procedure fully but it is a relatively minor operation to cauterise the vessels that are currently leaking and possibly insert a couple of dissolvable stitches to the tear. Ms Benson will need to be sedated and intubated shortly in preparation for the operation but she's asking to see you and is adamant we will not get her consent to operate without her being able to speak to you first." Dr Ramandani had been sent to fetch Alex while Dr Ward maintained a vigilant watch over his troublesome patient. The attorney followed mutely in the young doctor's wake, attempting to compose herself sufficiently to face her dearest friend.

"I hear you're causing ructions Detective Benson," Alex quipped softly to disguise her shock at Olivia's sickly pallor and the plethora of belts, straps and cables holding her immobile on the bed.

"They're overreacting, it's just a few scratches," Liv groused, her gaze searching for Alex's own. "Come here," she requested quietly. Alex stepped closer, mindful not to interfere with any of the technology and ready to step back at a moment's notice should a medic need to enter the space she was occupying.

"Let them do their job Liv, let them take care of you, fix you up and get you back on your feet." Alex implored, her eyes beseeching the stubborn brunette.

"I will Alex, I just need you to promise me something first." Alex opted to wait to hear what she was being asked to promise before she made any sort of response. "I'm not saying it will but if something happened, if this operation doesn't go to plan, if I won't be able to lead the life I did before all this, I want you to promise me you will withdraw all treatment and let me go. You know my feelings, my wishes, promise me that you will see they are respected?" Olivia's voice was taut and Alex could tell that her previous funk was wearing off, that the full extent of her injuries' pains were beginning to assert themselves.

With a lump in her throat that proved difficult to force words beyond, Alex looked deep into Olivia's eyes and replied, "I promise." Liv's body visibly relaxed as she called Dr Ward over and requested the consent forms.

"I'm a little indisposed at the minute, would you do the honours for me Alex? Please?" Alex took the proffered forms and scribbled her name at each of the necessary places, the placid cooperation of his patient earning the attorney an appreciative glance from the swarthy doctor. A nurse hovered by Dr Ward's elbow, quietly informing him that an operating room had become available and that orderlies were on their way to collect the patient. Olivia heard the hushed conversation and swallowed hard, never having been a great fan of hospitals or anaesthetics. Her lip quivered slightly as she considered the events that had led her to this point and whether she had the fight left in her to get through the operation.

"I'll see you when you wake up, I'll be right here waiting for you, so don't you go getting any ideas about going anywhere ok? You're my closest friend and we've already lost too much time, don't make me lose you again." Alex gently scolded the prone woman, recognising all too well the look of defeat in her eyes, having seen it numerous times in the mirror during her spell in the Witness Protection programme.

"Stay away from bright lights, got it," Liv joked weakly stifling a yawn as events from the day caught up with her.

"You'd better," Alex told her firmly, voice soft and intimate, as she tucked a wayward piece of tousled hair behind Olivia's ear.

Dr Ward cleared his throat, interrupting the tender moment between the two friends. "We need to move Ms Benson now, the OR is waiting for her arrival."

Alex made to step back away from the gurney, her own lip quivering slightly as her own fears betrayed her. "Be good," she whispered to Olivia.

"See you on the other side," was the brunette's only response, leaving Alex to fret over whether she meant the other side of the operation or another more final destination.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimers: See chapter 1**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday February 2<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**19.54**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

Alex looked at the clock wearily for the umpteenth time since Olivia had been taken into surgery. The group in the waiting room were silent, each lost in their own thoughts. Elliot paced like a caged bear, mentally berating himself for not making sure that his partner was attended to earlier. Captain Cragen sat slumped forward in one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs, his concerned fatherly gaze lingering on Alex's distraught features as she fretted over the injured detective.

"Ms Cabot?" A tiny red-haired nurse put her head around the doorjamb, focusing quickly on the formidable blonde attorney. Alex's gaze met the nurse's own, anxious to hear the news as she rose from her seat, unaware of the gruesome image she wrought in her blood-stained suit. "If you'll follow me, Dr Fabianski would like to speak with you." Alex barely spared a glance for her companions as she strode out of the room close on the heels of the diminutive nurse.

"Ms Cabot, I'm Dr Fabianski, I operated on Detective Benson." Alex marvelled at what a little legal intervention could achieve. The hospital staff now seemed to be falling over themselves to keep her informed of her friend's condition. The tall blonde woman shook the surgeon's proffered hand and nodded both in greeting and to prompt him to fill her in on Olivia's progress. "We were able to stop the bleeding in Ms Benson's abdomen. It was necessary to stitch the tear to her spleen but that should heal in a few weeks." The young doctor paused, just as Alex's heart rate had been returning to normal. His hesitation spiked her anxiety to a new level.

"I hear a but in your voice, doctor…" Alex trailed off, leaving the way open for the surgeon to continue.

"Detective Benson's blood pressure dropped during the operation and there was a brief time during which her heart stopped. We were able to restart her heart with chest compressions and at no time was she without oxygen. Whilst Ms Benson would ordinarily be fit to be discharged in a few days following this surgery, until we can discover the cause of her cardiac arrest the hospital is loathe to let her leave. We need to rule out an underlying condition which predisposes her to such events." All the blood felt like it had drained from Alex as she listened to details of Olivia's brief 'death'. Her own heart was hammering as though beating to keep herself and Olivia alive purely by its own will.

"Detective Benson has had a very traumatic day, Dr Fabianski. She lost her lover, the woman that she lived for was kidnapped by persons still unknown, had a bomb strapped to her and Detective Benson was forced to choose between saving her lover or saving hundreds of children's lives. Never before has Olivia had any problems with her heart. She is a detective on active duty, she has a physical exam on a regular basis. I don't think there are any tests you can run which will determine the physical cause of her cardiac arrest today." The young surgeon looked sceptical as he went to reply. Alex cut him off, "have you ever had a patient who lost hope doctor? Someone who lost their purpose for going on living? Someone who no matter what treatment you provided for them, it was just never enough to heal them despite an odds on prognosis?" Seeing that she had the man's unwavering attention, Alex continued, voice wavering slightly as she spoke, "Olivia said her goodbye's before she went into surgery. She thought that her reason for living had gone. I can only hope that wherever she went when her heart stopped, someone reminded her she still has plenty of reasons to go on." Alex took a second to compose herself, swallowing down the lump in her throat. "May I see her?"

"Of course. She's sleeping at the moment, the after effects of the sedation but we did manage to wake her in the recovery suite and she asked that we fetch you." Dr Fabianski held an arm out indicating that Alex should move along the corridor to their right. "I'd prefer it if we could just keep to one visitor this evening until Ms Benson is a little further along in the post-operative recovery period." Alex nodded her assent knowing she would have to get word back to Olivia's colleagues shortly to prevent Elliot storming the building.

"The two men I was waiting with, Detective Stabler and Captain Cragen, could someone please tell them that Olivia is alright and to go home? I'll call them as soon as I have any news for them." Alex knew it would not go down well, especially with the oft volatile detective, but her first and only concern was Olivia. It touched her to think that it had been Alex that the brunette had asked for on waking from her sedation-induced slumber, considering it a testament to the strength of their friendship. As she entered the room in which Olivia lay, Alex mentally kicked herself, not for the first time, for not finding the courage to call the brunette as soon as she had been free to return to New York. So many times, she had wanted to talk to the woman who seemed to read her so easily, no matter how many walls she tried to erect but her fears always held her back; fear of rejection, fear of the constant reminder of being shot but mostly, she conceded, the fear of experiencing the same kind of pain as when she had been forced to part from her dear friend should anything happen to either of them again. Before she had had to go into the Witness Protection programme, Alex had harboured an attraction towards the detective, the seeds for which had been planted during their first argument. It was intoxicating having Olivia's passion directed at her and her alone. Truth be told, there were occasions when she picked arguments with the detective just to see that fire and fury aimed at her once again. Alex had grown to accept that Olivia was in a relationship and had smothered any remnants of her attraction to the curvaceous brunette in order to forge a close friendship with the woman. As she snapped out of her contemplation, she realised that she was alone in the room aside from the steadily slumbering detective. The blonde crept across the small room on surprisingly stealthy feet, standing beside the bed and looking down on its occupant. Running a soft hand through the even softer hair resting against Olivia's forehead, Alex murmured, "I thought we agreed you'd stay away from those bright lights."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday February 2<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**21.05**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

"Ms Cabot, I'm afraid we're going to have to ask you to leave for the night now," a timid looking young nurse leant around the door to Olivia's room. Alex sighed heavily. She had known that this time was approaching but she was still loathe to leave before Olivia awoke. She hated the thought of the brunette waking alone in an unfamiliar room, especially after the traumatic events of the day. As if sensing her reluctance, the nurse smiled gently and assured her, "if there is any change in her condition or if Ms Benson asks for you, I promise we will call you no matter what time it is." Alex spared the nurse a quick smile in thanks as she slowly rose from the plastic chair in which she had taken up residence after entering Olivia's room.

"What time are visiting hours tomorrow?" The blonde attorney thought it best to play by the rules, she knew it would do nobody any favours to antagonise staff who were merely trying to do their jobs within the guidelines set out for them.

"Two til four in the afternoon and then six til eight in the evening but Dr Fabianski has said that so long as visitors are kept to a maximum of two in her room at any one time, Ms Benson can have visitors whenever their work allows them to attend, within reason of course," the slight Hispanic nurse informed Alex softly. Again, the blonde woman smiled in response, genuinely grateful that the hospital staff were willing to be a little flexible with the rules.

"Thank you," Alex replied sincerely.

"Word has it that Ms Benson is quite the hero. The little girl she rescued from that diner was brought to the hospital for a check up after the explosion, her mother was full of praise for this lady here. We're all hoping she has a speedy recovery and anything we can do to aid that, you just let us know." Details about the three large but sloppily made bombs found at the school had not been published to avoid causing any greater alarm than already had been generated and Alex found herself thinking that people had no idea just how much of a hero Olivia had been that day.

"Olivia is…like no one else I have ever had the privilege of working with. She is a truly remarkable woman. You'll just have to forgive her if she's a little cranky about being in hospital – whilst she is an amazing detective, she's also a lousy patient!" Alex quipped lightly with a genuine smile as she exited the room, knowing that being forced to remain in bed even for just a few days would drive the older woman stir crazy.

"Oh don't you worry about that, we're used to dealing with troublesome patients," the nurse responded with a wry smile, following Alex from Olivia's room and making to move off to continue with her duties. "Do you have transport to get you home Ms Cabot?"

"I have my cell phone, I'll call for a cab."

"I'm sure you are familiar with which firms you can trust but we like to make our visitors aware that there is a phone in the reception area of the ER which connects straight to a trusted cab company. It might save you having to phone round places to find one who can send a car immediately," the kindly nurse informed Alex before leaving her to make her way home. The blonde glanced down at herself as she rummaged in her purse for the cell phone she knew she had tossed into its depths earlier in the day. The blood from Olivia's injuries had dried on her blouse, leaving widespread dark stains she suspected would never come out but knew that it mattered little since it would be deposited in the trash as soon as she got home. She considered what a freakish sight she must present and idly wondered if a cab would even allow her to climb in. Still searching for the errant phone, Alex stepped onto the waiting elevator and selected the floor which would take her to street level. Finally locating the pesky little device – and soundly cursing herself for having such a large purse – Alex arrived at her destination, disembarking from the lift and stepping out into the relative chaos of the ER. Above the din, she was vaguely aware of someone hollering her name.

"Alex!" The call came again as her head swivelled in all directions trying to locate its source. Above the sea of bodies in the swamped emergency area, the blonde spied Elliot trying to reach her and begun to move through the throng in order to meet him halfway.

"Elliot, what are you doing back here? Did you get called in on a case?" Alex questioned as the two met and Elliot steered her towards the exit.

"No I just figured that sooner or later, you were going to need a ride home and no offence but I think any cab driver might look at you and assume you shouldn't be leaving hospital with that amount of blood on you!" The detective looked tired and worn and Alex suspected that there was a large part of his reason for being at the hospital which he had failed to divest.

"Thank you, I would really appreciate a ride," Alex told him gratefully. Once they were outside where the noise levels dropped several decibels, the blonde attorney turned to her companion. "She's doing well Elliot; she's sleeping but everything's looking good. She should be out of hospital in a few days." She chose not to tell him about Olivia's heart stopping during surgery, knowing that he did not need to be burdened with any more worries regarding his partner than he already had.

"And then what? You saw how she was before she collapsed, she's going to need a lot of help to get over what happened today. And the one person who could have helped more than anyone is the one person who now won't be there for her ever again." Elliot's concern was palpable, almost as if it were a living, breathing beast stalking the sidewalks behind them as they made their way to his unassuming sedan.

"There's no denying that Olivia will need all of our support and understanding but she's strong and in some ways the counselling she's already been receiving will give her some of the tools she needs to get through this. And beyond that, we will do whatever we can, whatever we need to do, to make sure that Liv keeps looking forward," Alex responded evenly, unwilling to acknowledge that she too was daunted by the road that lay ahead for them all. "Any news on how the investigation's going?" Whilst she knew it was still very early days, Alex needed to ask, needed to know that something was being done to track down the person or persons responsible for the day's events.

"The lead detective is a good guy, we gotta trust him to do his job even if it does feel awfully cold on this side of the wall," Elliot admitted grudgingly, knowing that their captain had been right earlier in that the detectives of SVU owed their own cases their full attention despite what had happened to Liv. Knowing it, however, did not make it any easier to accept.

"I've no doubt Captain Cragen will make sure we know what we need to know when there's anything to know," Alex replied, understanding lacing her tone. She too would much rather know every detail of the investigation, would prefer to be the one tasked with prosecuting the case, but realised that to achieve justice may mean having to take a step back for once and placing trust in colleagues to do everything necessary to bring the perpetrators to court.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday February 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**05.12**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex sat on her window ledge inside her dark bedroom, the sheets twisted and chaotic behind her, testament to the restless few hours slumber she had caught. Her dreams had been tortured and filled with images of Olivia's mangled body as her mind replayed the scenes of the explosion she had been told of, only casting Liv as the one wearing the bomb. Tears traced fresh paths across the alabaster skin of her face, the moonlight glinting off the wetness as she gazed distantly out across the night skyline. It was in the early hours of the morning that clarity often came to Alex and this day had been no different. On awakening for the final time in a pool of cold sweat and dread, the blonde woman knew that despite her best intentions the attraction she held for the beautiful detective had never lessened, merely been lying dormant in hibernation as though acknowledging that while Samia was around, there was no room for them. Sam's death seemed to have awakened the beast however and despite the inappropriateness of it, Alex could not help but feel the vaguest flicker that someday, a long way down the line, there might just be a tiny hope she would get her girl after all. Tamping down any such thoughts, knowing that Liv would need her to be the best friend that she could possibly be over the coming months, Alex sighed and rose from her makeshift seat making her way out to the kitchen to fix herself a hot drink. It was pointless trying to find sleep again, she knew and so opted to begin her day early, pulling a few files from her attaché case as she waited for the kettle to boil.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday February 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**05.47**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

Olivia lay in her hospital bed, face contorted in an expression of pure torture as the drug induced sleep held her prisoner in her horrific dream world.

_Time slowed down as Olivia turned in the diner at the sound of another voice. She had cleared the area, she was sure, there couldn't be anyone else there besides herself and Sam. Her eyes alighted on the tiny blonde child, eyes wide and teary as she searched for her mother. Looking back to her girlfriend and seeing a matching look of horror on the young teacher's expressive face, Olivia felt her last shred of hope dashed. The fates it seemed had opted to force Olivia to choose between saving an innocent child or making sure her love was not alone at the moment she died._

"_Olivia…" No other words were needed, the understanding passed between the two women silently, knowing that no matter what awaited them on the other side, they could not take one so young with them. Olivia felt as though she were running through treacle as she pumped her legs hard, scooping the miniscule girl up and sweeping her out of the diner, away from impending harm. If pure willpower alone could have slowed time and made the impossible possible, Olivia would have achieved it at the moment she turned on her heel and ran back to the diner having thrust the still screaming child into the arms of the nearest safe person such was her determination to return to Sam's side. As her hand connected with the door handle, Olivia expected the explosion to come, to send her soaring through the air in a cloud of rubble and debris as it had during the day's actual events. Instead, she found herself standing inside the remains of the smouldering diner, face to face with a visage of the woman who had perished in the blast._

"_Sam? What…? How…?" Olivia's questions were stilled by the gentlest of pressure to her lips from a single pale finger._

"_Ssshh my dear sweet Liv. I knew you would come back for me and now I need you to do something else for me, will you do that baby?" Sam's voice was quiet but intense._

"_Anything; I'd do anything for you." Olivia intoned wishing her arms would obey her mental commands to sweep the woman before her into her embrace, the yearning to feel their bodies moulded together again unbelievably strong._

"_I need you to let me go. I need you to wake up and to go on with your life. I know you tried to join me, earlier when they operated on you, I felt you close but baby it's not your time to be on that side yet, not even close. You have so many people to help, so many lives to save and so many evil people to bring to justice. I need you to trust me, to trust what we had and what you will always carry with you from our time together. Let me go sweetheart, let me rest in peace knowing that you are living your life to its very fullest; making the most of every second of every single day no matter how dull or hard it may appear to be. Can you…will you do that, for me? Please?" The visage before Liv begun to fade, her heart started to race as she fought to keep the image of her lover vibrant in her mind._

"_Don't ask me to lose you, I can't…I can't…" Olivia sobbed, vaguely aware of a spreading pain in her abdomen as she sank to her knees._

"_You never will. To let me go is to bind us together for eternity." Sam's voice whispered to her tenderly. Any further sounds from the rapidly fading young woman were drowned out by an incessant beeping, the source of which Olivia struggled to identify. Her heart pounded as she suspected another bomb was about to detonate and she sank further onto the debris-strewn floor of the diner, curling herself up into a tight ball and awaiting oblivion._

"Olivia, can you hear me? Olivia, open your eyes for me." Disembodied voices pierced the detective's subconscious, drawing her closer and closer to the monotonous beeping in her ear. "Come on Ms Benson, rise and shine, let's see those eyes of yours." The voices sounded friendly and cajoling but unfamiliar. The pain that had begun to penetrate Olivia's dream grew stronger with each passing second as, gradually, full consciousness returned to the stricken woman. Her eyes flickered, opening the tiniest amount before slamming shut again. Her head pounded as though she had drunk her way through the entire cellar of a Mulligan's bar. She groaned softly trying to raise a hand to her face but found her limbs to be heavy and uncooperative. "Good morning, are you with us?" Again Olivia groaned, wishing the beeping would go away, it really was not helping her head any. She focused on trying to formulate words, any words would suffice.

"Ow," was all that came out.

"Well that's a start," was fired back in her general direction from a jovial sounding male voice. Olivia really wished they would all just let her be, leave her to drift back into the cocoon she had been in where nothing hurt except her soul. The combination of physical and emotional pain she feared were more than she could bear. She hoped if she just ignored whomever was in her room they might go away. "Come on Olivia, open your eyes for us." The voice was more firm this time and accompanied by a hand on her shoulder. "Talk to us, tell us where it's hurting and we can give you something to stop the pain." Olivia struggled valiantly against unwilling eyelids, finally managing to force them to open drowsily. "Hi," the blurry shape at her shoulder said.

"'llo," Olivia croaked in response, her throat dry and scratchy which she presumed was a hangover from the operation. The room gradually began to swim more into focus and she could see a young dark skinned nurse leaning over her.

"Where are you getting pain?" he asked the patient as he moved to check her blood pressure and other vitals.

"Head… abdomen." Liv still felt drowsy and as though she was slurring her words.

The nurse nodded understandingly, "your abdomen will be sore for a few weeks while the surgery site heals. I'll ask the doctor to prescribe something for your headache when he does his ward rounds this morning. You're due some more pain relief shortly so hopefully that will make you a little more comfortable. How about we get you sat up a bit in the meantime and get some breakfast for you?" Olivia realised that whatever she said in response was pretty much a moot point and that she would have to do as she was told for the time being; if she were honest relinquishing responsibility for her welfare was somewhat of a relief given that she was simply too tired to care as much as she knew she should. Instead, she satisfied herself with nodding her assent, watching the nurse smile brightly as he buzzed for assistance.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday February 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**06.33**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex's phone ringing startled her out of her reverie, her work papers lying forgotten on the coffee table in front of her. Snatching up the device, she answered it in her usual clipped style, "Cabot."

"Ms Cabot, this is Nurse Obeng from Belle Vue. I've been asked to call you regarding Ms Olivia Benson," the voice on the other end of the line supplied.

"Olivia? How is she? Is everything alright?" Alex's anxiety was immediately piqued, sure that the hospital would not contact her so early unless it was trouble.

"Ms Benson is doing very well. She had a comfortable night and is awake and sitting up in bed this morning. She's about to have breakfast but was quite keen that we let you know she's ok." The nurse's voice was warm and chocolaty, washing over Alex with its deep, rich timbre. "Apparently, Ms Benson suspected that you might not have had such a restful night yourself and wanted to reassure you that she's alright."

Alex was touched by Olivia's thoughtfulness and smiled into the tiny handset she was cradling. "Could you let Olivia know I will see her later and that I'll bring some of her things in for her?" Alex inquired, not wanting to take any more of the man's time up than was necessary and feeling brighter just for knowing that Olivia had come through the night well. It may only be one small step on the long road to recovery but it was the first and that made it significant in Alex's mind.

"Of course. I must go, someone is needing my attention," the young sounding man informed her.

"Of course, thank you for letting me know how Olivia is." The line was disconnected and Alex flipped the cover shut on her cell phone, replacing it back on the coffee table from where she had grabbed it. She pulled her well-worn, grey, fleece, zip up hoodie tighter around her body as she sank back into the sofa, letting it's plush cushions envelope her. One elegant bare foot toyed with the edge of the table as she drifted on a cloud of memories and thoughts about Olivia and Sam, her eyes clouding over with tears as she truly absorbed the loss of the vibrant young woman who had captured Olivia's heart and brought many a genuine smile to the brunette's face. As melancholy threatened to surround her, Alex steeled her spine and rose from the couch, flicking on the radio to fill the too quiet apartment with the sounds of the city waking before padding to her luxurious bathroom and stepping into her spacious waterfall-style shower. Turning on the jets, she let the water cascade over her tired body and cried, leaning forward, head hanging between her arms, palms braced against the cool tiled wall supporting her weight. She let her tears mingle with the rivulets washing over her, as though the very act would wash away her sorrows.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Wow, huge thanks to all of you who have read, reviewed and added this story to your alerts! And to those who have already read this over on ralst's site, bear with me while we catch up here but then I can promise there will be even more drama for our leading ladies! To those for whom the story is new - there are a lot of chapters already written and ready to upload so you can expect regular updates and I hope you enjoy the ride.**_

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday February 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**06.56**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad room**_

Elliot picked up the phone on his desk after just the second ring. The rest of the squad room was hushed at that time of the day, the chaos and carnage of the day yet to encroach on it. Elliot was the first to arrive having spent a restless night reassuring himself that Kathy and each of his kids were ok and knew how much he loved them. He had lain awake for long hours after he and Kathy had finished making love, just watching her sleep, finding comfort and solace in the steady rise and fall of her chest.

"Stabler," he barked into the handset, lack of caffeine adding to his coarser than usual mood.

"Elliot, it's Alex. I guessed you might be at work already." The SVU's ADA balanced her phone between her ear and the crook of her shoulder as she spoke into it, attention half on her watch which was proving tricky to fasten that morning.

"Alex, what's up? How's Liv?" Elliot's natural reaction mirrored Alex's own when the hospital had phoned her.

"She's as well as can be expected, sounds like she's actually doing pretty well. I spoke to the hospital earlier; she had a comfortable night they said and she's awake, sitting up and eating. Could you meet me at Olivia's apartment? I need to pick some of her things up to take them to the hospital and well…I thought I might pack up some clothes and bits to bring to my place. I don't want her to have to face her apartment as soon as she comes out of hospital unless she feels ready to so I thought I'd offer for her to stay with me for a while." Alex explained her reasons for calling, hoping that Elliot would agree to meet her at Liv's apartment. Whilst she and Alex were close friends, neither of them had seen the necessity of exchanging keys to one another's residences. In fact, Alex realised, Olivia had never actually visited her new place before, a detail which surprised the blonde woman.

"That sounds like a wise idea, no point in pushing things too far too fast. And I'm sure Liv will appreciate your concern so long as she feels like she can be the one in control of when she goes back to her place." Elliot agreed but felt the need to add a note of caution knowing how proud his partner could be and also knowing the volatile history between the two women. Whilst their arguments were often entertaining, Elliot doubted that it would aid Liv's recovery any to go toe to toe with their ambitious blonde ADA.

"Of course, Olivia will be the one to lead, I'll take my cues from her. If she insists that she's ready to go home, I'll not stand in her way…although I might insist on staying with her for the first night or so, just to make sure." Alex admitted, knowing from past experience that the early hours of the morning could be the loneliest times on earth. She had spent many a night wishing there was someone awake that she could talk to, just to hear another person's voice, during her darker days in the program.

"Shall I pick you up or are we meeting there?" Elliot asked hoping that the counsellor would be true to her word.

"I'll meet you there, I want to call in at the hospital on my way to the office, I thought I could drop Olivia's things off for her then and spend a couple of minutes with her." Alex continued, informing Elliot of the official visiting times and asking him to let the other guys know and requesting that they keep to a minimum of two visitors at any one time as per the hospital's policy. They ended their conversation each promising to see the other outside Olivia's building within the next half hour.

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday February 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**07.49**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

Alex made her way back to the ward where she had left Olivia what felt like scant few hours earlier. She carried herself with her usual poise and grace, even whilst toting a holdall containing a change of clothes, bed wear and a few toiletries for her close friend. The detective heard the familiar click of heels approaching along the corridor and for a moment, in her dazed grogginess, she thought that she had fallen asleep at her desk in the bullpen. The overpowering scent of hospital and the continuous incessant bleeping of monitoring equipment soon dispelled that particular image. A blonde head peeped around the doorjamb of the brunette's room, checking to see if she was awake before approaching the bed.

"Morning Liv, how are you doing?" Alex asked softly, knowing it was a double edged question, enquiring after both the woman's physical and mental wellbeing.

"I'll survive," Olivia retorted, failing to hide the grimace as she shifted position slightly to shunt herself further up the bed into a more comfortable seated position.

"I don't doubt it," Alex replied with a hint of droll in her voice, "but that doesn't really tell me how you feel right now." In true Cabot style, Alex fixed Olivia with a tender but stern expression, one eyebrow raised as though daring Liv to challenge her further by not responding.

"If you must know, my head feels like it was hit by a truck and my abdomen hates me." The petulance in the older woman's voice surprised the ADA. Alex realised that the stoic detective was not used to feeling as frail as she currently did and judging by her mannerisms, it was not a feeling she wished to get used to either.

"It'll pass, you just have to give it time. Your body went through significant trauma yesterday." Alex attempted to placate the prone woman who was anxiously picking at the blanket covering her hospital bed.

"I know, I was there remember," Olivia sniped peevishly, knowing deep down that it was cruel and uncalled for to lash out at Alex but unable to prevent herself from doing so.

"I can't forget, Liv. I was terrified I was going to lose you and I don't want to lose you again." Alex responded evenly, trying to keep her voice from cracking whilst allowing some of the vehemence from her statement to show through. She understood the woman's reaction and knew that Olivia was venting at her because she was a safe outlet for her frustrations. That did not mean that it hurt any less however.

There was a brief silence as the brunette fought to choose her words carefully. "I miss her so much, Al. What harm were we doing? Who did we offend so badly that they resorted to that? Am I a bad person for wishing it had happened to somebody, anybody else?"

Alex carefully placed an arm around Olivia's shoulders, hoping to offer some small crumb of comfort to the older woman in her loose embrace. "I can't imagine you or Sam hurting anyone to cause what happened. I know that it's easier said than done, and until the detectives have answers as to who planted the bombs I don't expect you will do this, but please try not to blame yourself. We see similar outcomes every day in our line of work; innocent people are hurt because of misguided and misplaced rage or hatred. I have very little doubt that this is nothing that either one of you had any part in creating. As for missing Sam, there is nothing that any of us can do to ease that burden for you, sweetie. Time may make it easier to remember the good times you had without the pain of your loss but you need to find your own way of coming to terms with her not being here. And you know that if there is anything at all that I can do to help you do that, all you ever need to do is ask. I'm sure Elliot, Munch, Fin and Captain Cragen will tell you the same. We're all here for you, whenever, whatever and however you need us to be, ok?"

"You might regret saying that, I have a feeling I'm going to need a lot of distracting. Usually, I'd just throw myself into work so hard that I collapse at the end of the day exhausted but I guess I'm going to be on ass duty for a few weeks while this hole in my gut heals." Olivia's shoulders slumped as she thought about the very real prospect of having a whole lot of time on her hands, time during which she would undoubtedly be bombarded mentally with images of her recently deceased partner.

"Olivia, I will never regret offering you my support and assistance. What kind of friend would I be if I turned my back on you?" Alex scoffed at the mere thought of leaving Liv to deal with this by herself.

"Do you have court today?" Olivia asked in what appeared to be a complete change of tack.

"No, I've no cases on the docket today, just some witness preparation and opening argument planning I need to do for the Borzykowski case next week. Why?" Alex replied, curiosity piqued.

"I know the detectives investigating the bombing will want to take my statement today since I'm no longer at death's door or anything – apparently, someone banned them from speaking to me last night – but I…would you…" Olivia trailed off, hating how weak and pathetic asking for moral support made her feel.

"Would you like me to be here when they take your statement?" Alex filled in the blanks, seeing how much her friend was struggling to form the question and guessing what was to follow.

"Would you?" Olivia's voice sounded small and timid, as though she genuinely believed Alex might reject her.

"Of course I will," Alex's response was immediate and sincere, leading Olivia to release the breath she was unaware she had been holding. Her head rested against Alex's washboard stomach, the closeness soothing and reassuring to her. She felt Alex sigh heavily and made to move, looking up at her friend and seeing a tinge of sadness in her expression.

"What's up?" Alex was startled that Olivia had noticed the change in her demeanour, she thought she had covered her disappointment well after realising what time it was.

"I just saw the clock, I need to make a move if I want to get to the office before lunchtime. Traffic will be a nightmare if I don't go now," Alex explained as she retrieved her arm from its position around Olivia's shoulders. She gestured to the overnight bag she had packed at the detective's apartment, "I hope you don't mind, Elliot let me into your place. I picked up enough clothes and things to last until you're let out of here all being well."

"Thank you, that's very thoughtful of you. I appreciate it," Olivia told the blonde woman sincerely. She had been wondering how long she would be forced to wear the unflattering hospital gown. At least if she was in her own clothing when she was interviewed by the major case detectives, she might not feel quite so exposed. "How will I let you know when the detectives get here?" Olivia suddenly realised a flaw in her plan, not having any means of summoning the attorney.

"I'll handle that, I'll contact them when I get to the office and ask when they are planning to see you, that way I can be here when they arrive. If needs be, I can bring some paperwork with me – there's the Franks case we can go over your testimony for." Alex realised that normalcy would undoubtedly be beneficial and appreciated by Liv, her assumption proved by the grateful smile that appeared on the detective's face.

"You amaze me, Alex. You know me almost better than I know myself sometimes." A frown appeared briefly on the attractive brunette's features but she chased it away with a tiny shake of her head, obviously determined to shake off whatever thought had momentarily troubled her.

"That's what friends are for! I'll see you in a while. Be good, no upsetting the nurses," Alex quipped. Olivia just poked her tongue out in response, silently pleading with Alex to stay. While talking with the blonde, Olivia could feel the ache in her heart lessen a fraction as the young woman distracted her mind and gave her no chance to dwell on Sam's death. Alone in a hospital room, Olivia knew she would be hostage to her thoughts with only the occasionally fleeting distraction when a member of the medical staff came by to monitor her progress. She had to hope that the captain would allow her to return to work, even on desk duty, sooner rather than later. Her apartment was the last place she wanted to have a lot of time on her hands, the memories it held would crowd her, all jostling for her attention and reminding her of what had been and what would never be again there. Tears pricked her eyes but she blinked them back, not wishing to guilt Alex into staying and making her late for work. Alex saw the tears despite Olivia's best efforts and realised that the banter they had shared had merely been a mask screening her true despair from prying eyes. "It's ok to be sad Liv, you don't have to bottle it up or pretend you're handling this. No one expects you to be a superhero about this." Olivia simply nodded, not trusting her voice enough to speak. "Ok, well, I really better had get going. You going to be ok 'til I get back?" Again, Liv nodded, bottom lip quivering slightly but a determination settling over her features as she tamped down on her fear, knowing that just like she had in the past, she would have to get used to being on her own again…and that it was how life would be from thereon since she steadfastly refused to open herself to this kind of pain again by caring about anyone else. Alex placed a gentle kiss against Olivia's forehead, "hang in there and I'll be back before you know it."

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><p><em><strong>Friday February 22<strong>__**nd**__** 2008**_

_**22.17**_

_**Candour Club Lounge**_

Olivia allowed her eyes to roam over the spacious room's occupants, trying to suppress her detective senses and simply allow herself to observe the reveller's for what they were; an sorted bunch of women varying in size, creed, colour and style, their only connection the preference for seeking the company of other women. She had gone out to the club that night on a whim, feeling a crushing sense of loneliness which she was unable to dispel. Elliot had escaped early to spend time with his family since he was catching that evening so wanted to get some quality time in before he inevitably got called out. Fin had spent the day boasting about his latest conquest with whom he intended to spend a rather active and exhausting evening. Even Munch had alluded to a date at the opera with a mysterious new admirer. It seemed they each had a healthy social life to look forward to, all except herself who had remained steadfastly silent when they attempted to pry into her plans for the night. Truth was, she had had no plans at all beyond the usual working late before slinking home, grabbing a takeout and falling into bed for a few restless hours. Another Valentine's Day had passed by in a blur of loneliness and long working hours. She had no friends to speak of beyond those she worked with and since they were all already busy with their own lives that left her with few options for socialising. And so here she was, fulfilling a need in her for human contact which had nothing to do with the depravity and degradation she saw on a daily basis. The music pulsed and thrummed, the beat's vibrations reverberating through her core and filling her with its sense of power. The lighting was low but not so dim as to make navigating an issue. Nor was it too dark for her to be able to notice the beauty apparent around her – both physical and structural.

The club was fairly new, only having opened a couple of months previously, and so its clientele was still fluctuating. That night, there were the usual hardcore twenty-somethings, grouped together in gaggles as they appraised the scene and their prey scouring for a tasty morsel to seduce and a smattering of thirty-somethings, usually paired up or drinking sombrely alone at the bar. The number of women closer to Olivia's own forty years were fewer and further between but surprisingly, she didn't feel uncomfortable with the attention it brought her. Already, and she had only been at the club for just shy of an hour, she had had to fend off advances of no less than three separate women. The first was a baby-faced young thing, all short, spiky-gelled, platinum blonde hair, exaggerated swagger, skimpy top, tight black jeans and 'fuck-me' boots – not a thing about her attracted Liv's admiration. The next two were more subtle in their get-up and their approach, both looked to be in their later twenties, radiating more of a confident sensuality which came from age, experience and knowing that they were beautiful women. Since she had sent them on their way, Liv had tucked herself into a corner booth, wanting to be close to people but not wanting to be viewed as the sole eligible cougar on the menu. It was tiring and thirsty work turning away so many wannabe lovers. She sipped again at her bourbon sour, taking care to savour it and make it last. She was on call over the weekend and so couldn't afford to drink too much. Not that heavy drinking ever really appealed to her anyway having watched what it did to her mom over the years as she grew up.

"Would you mind if I joined you for a few minutes? Only there's a rather persistent woman who keeps following me around and won't take no for an answer." Olivia looked up, preparing to blow off the deliverer, taking it to be a pathetic attempt at gaining an in through sympathy. As her eyes met the vision before her though, Liv's mind went blank of the reasons she should turn the woman away. Golden blonde hair cascaded in gentle waves to slender yet powerful shoulders, crystal blue eyes gazed down at her in genuine pleading from a face whose patrician features could have been sculpted by a master craftsman.

"Ummm, sure, take a seat," Liv stammered with a tiny blush, not believing how much of a dork she must have sounded.

"Thanks, you've no idea how much I appreciate it. Would it be ok if I bought you a drink? You know, make it look like we're socialising? Hopefully, that'll throw her off the chase, at least for a little while," the enigmatic blonde requested, nervously twiddling the edge of a beer mat between her fingers as she trapped her lower lip in her teeth. The effect was adorable and against her better judgement, Liv found herself warming to her unexpected companion.

"Why not, it'd be rude to turn down the offer of a free drink. I'll have another bourbon sour please," the gorgeous brunette requested as she tossed back the remains of her previous drink and caught the eye of one of the bar staff who approached eagerly, equally as enamoured with her it seemed as many of their patrons. After their drinks orders were placed, Liv sat back in her seat, studying the woman opposite. The blonde appeared to be quite a number of years younger than herself with a timid shyness about her that Olivia felt drawn to. "If we're going to be drinking together, how about we exchange names at least? I'm Olivia." The detective was well versed in putting people at ease, it was a skill she utilised daily in her line of work although usually under the more dire of circumstances.

"Samia," the blonde replied with a sudden rush of colour to her cheeks at her less than smooth foray into conversation. "Sorry, I'm not usually so rude or impulsive as to intrude on someone like this. I'm not really one for coming to places like this."

"Me either if I'm honest, I just didn't feel like going home to an empty apartment straight after work tonight," Liv admitted, bracing herself for the inevitable round of questions regarding her profession.

"I know that feeling all too well. My place felt so lonely when I got in, I just couldn't face another night of staring at the walls with only a bottle of wine and takeout food for company." The detective couldn't help but heave a mental sigh of relief at the lack of probing, hoping that the encounter would remain as casual and anonymous. This was something she sensed they both needed that night; the company of a stranger who wouldn't ask questions they didn't want to answer or push for anything more than a distraction from being alone. From across the table, Samia suddenly groaned. Following the direction of her glance, Liv spied a tall, lanky woman with long, jet black hair stalking towards their booth with a hungry smile painted on her lips. Acting on instinct alone, the detective reached across the table and covered one of Samia's hands with her own, squeezing it lightly and gently caressing the back of it with her thumb. Offering a tender smile, she waited until she was sure the hunter was within earshot.

"Baby, you don't need to look anywhere else, you have me right here. Aren't I enough for you?" She injected false pain and rejection into her voice, expression a mixture of longing and confusion even as she silently, mentally begged the younger woman to pick up on her intentions and go along with the ploy.

"Of course you are, so much more than enough. I'm not worthy of you, especially not when you look at me like you do. You make me feel like a priceless jewel when I'm really just a lump of worthless stone. You deserve so much better, so much more than me." Samia cast her eyes down towards the tabletop, gingerly extracting her hand from beneath Liv's palm and resting it in her lap, skin tingling from the contact as her libido rocketed.

"You know, your little display isn't fooling anyone. I've been watching you long enough to know you and her didn't come here together so why don't we cut through the bull and go dancing? You, blondie, have been circling the dance floor like a piranha round fresh meat and your companion here has been attracting the ladies like there's no tomorrow," a gravelly voice enquired from beside their booth.

"All of whom I turned away, in case you missed that part. You think because we didn't arrive together we can't _be_ together?" Liv asked incredulously, as though outraged at the suggestion. "I just got off work, I wanted to spend a little time with my gorgeous girl so I came to meet her only to find she's letting herself get hit on in my absence. If she's going to be dancing with anyone, it'll be with me, won't it honey?" Samia simply nodded, cringing at the need to resort to such tactics to dissuade the persistent would-be suitor from continuing her advances.

"I don't believe you for a minute. If she's your girl, how come she's all the way over there instead of sitting practically in your lap on that side of the table? You want me to believe you two are getting it on, I'm gonna have to see some proof. I mean, no offence lady, but you're what, twice her age? And you really expect me to believe she's worshipping at your altar?" Liv ground her teeth tightly. Her night of escaping demons was turning into the outing from Hell. Why oh why, she silently cursed, had she told the blonde she could join her?

"Don't you dare speak to her like that. Liv is gorgeous and generous and genuine and kind and chivalrous and caring and gentle, everything you seem devoid of. And you want to know the best thing? The best thing is she's mine." Samia defiantly stretched her hand back across the tabletop and clasped Olivia's own, smiling widely as the older woman's fingers intuitively wrapped around hers in a seemingly well rehearsed move.

"Yes I am, sweetheart. Why don't we drink up and then we can show this place a thing or two on the dance floor?" Switching her tender gaze from the attractive blonde and fixing the interloper with a withering stare. "If you want to watch, it's a free country, but trust me when I say I'll be dancing with Sami for our own pleasure and not to prove anything to you or anyone else here. Go find someone else to stalk and keep your hands and eyes of my girl." The would-be suitor swaggered away from the table, grumbling and muttering under her breath. Olivia watched her go, seeing that her retreat was only sufficient to allow them room to escape from the table and onto the dance floor. It appeared that the woman was attempting to call their bluff. Her attention was diverted back to her new companion as their fresh drinks arrived. She felt Sam trying to retrieve her hand but gave it a squeeze and offered her an almost imperceptible shake of her head. Whilst she was still actively trying to maintain the facade, Liv also couldn't deny how nice it felt to have warm, soft skin resting so naturally against her own.

"Do we still have an audience?" Sam asked quietly, leaning forward in her seat to rest her free elbow on the table as she played with the straw in her drink absentmindedly.

"Oh yeah, I don't think she'll be satisfied unless we actually follow through out there on the floor. So what do you say? We drink these and then go take a turn on the dance floor? She doesn't seem like someone I'd be comfortable leaving you to the mercies of." Liv's protective instincts were raging, although if she examined her motives more closely she might also have to concede that her own body seemed to like the idea of dancing with the attractive young woman seated across from her.

"You don't have to do that, I've already taken up more of your time than I intended to. I'm sure you didn't come here tonight to act as a bodyguard against unwanted advances. I'll find some way of making her take no for an answer without you having to babysit me all night." She couldn't be entirely sure, but Liv suspected she detected an undertone of disappointment in Samia's voice.

"I can't help it, it's what I do; serve and protect. I'm a police officer… off duty tonight but the instinct's always there," the brunette surprised herself by admitting. Samia raised her eyebrows and offered an impressed smile.

"Well officer, I appreciate you protecting me and if you're really sure it wouldn't be too much of an intrusion on your evening, I would very much like to dance with you," the young blonde offered shyly, not wanting to appear too nosey so opting not to pry any further into her rescuer's career choice.

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><p><em><strong>Friday February 22<strong>__**nd**__** 2008**_

_**22.58**_

_**Candour Club Lounge**_

Liv and Samia stumbled out of the door, their lack of co-ordination due to their shared mirth rather than inebriation. They had entertained the club's patrons with a sensuous, daring display which had sent the annoyingly persistent woman who had been pestering Samia storming towards the door after only a few minutes. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she had felt so care-free or laughed so much in such a short space of time.

Samia clutched her sides, groaning as the muscles objected to the extended combination of dancing and laughter. "Thank you so much for tonight, you have no idea how much I needed that kind of release."

"Oh I think I might have a fair clue. It's me who should be thanking you really, I haven't done this in far too long," Liv replied gently, somewhat sad that their time together was coming to an end but whilst she was in the mood for company, a pity-fuck or one night stand was not on her wishlist.

"Well," Sam began, digging in her purse and pulling out a scrap of paper and a pen, "this is my cellphone number. Any time you're at a loose end and feel like another night out, would you consider calling me? If you feel like company sometime when you're out."

Liv accepted the slip of paper, tucking it safely into her inside pocket of her leather jacket and patting it reassuringly, "I'll do that, although with my work schedule, I can't guarantee when I might get another free evening."

"That's fine. You have my number, if you want to do this again, you know how to get in touch. If not, then no hard feelings and I'll still remember tonight and smile," Sam assured, placing a tentative hand on the other woman's arm before glancing around to try and locate a cab.

"Let me call you a cab, I know of a company I can trust to get you home safely." Liv had already retrieved her cell and was listening to the ringing of a phone before Samia could offer any objections.

"Thanks," she murmured softly, wishing that she could spend more time getting to know the older woman. There was no denying that the brunette was stunningly beautiful but with that beauty there was depth and spirit too, none of the vacuous prettiness so often evident. Olivia seemed to be a woman of great substance, an intriguing blend of humour, both subtle and lewd, and humility.

"They're sending a couple of cars over now, shouldn't be more than ten minutes," Liv supplied as she completed her phone call, making it clear that they would be parting ways. "I really have enjoyed your company tonight and I hope that the city's criminals behave themselves so we can do it again some time soon." The detective battled within herself to not give in to the urge to kiss the younger woman, knowing if she did so, the second car would be surplus to requirements. Her loneliness would prevent her from walking away if she was to cross that line tonight and if anything was to develop between them, she wanted it to be a slow, gradual progression not some quick, desperate fuck against a wall or in the back of a cab.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Once again, thank you to all those who have read/reviewed/added this story to their alerts. I'm truly blown away by the response :)**_

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 25<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**09.03**_

_**St Joseph's School, Brooklyn**_

"Can I help you?" A perky young blonde effectively barred the detectives way before they had set foot entirely through the external door to the grade school.

Olivia looked into the warm blue-green eyes which were alive with inquisition and gave a slight smile, wracking her brains as to why the woman seemed so familiar. Withdrawing her badge, Olivia made the necessary introductions, "Detective Benson, this is my partner Detective Stabler. We need to speak with one of the students."

The young woman still looked a little sceptical, obviously wondering what any of the kids at the school would do to warrant the detectives presence. "Who do you need to see?"

"Edward O'Keefe," Olivia supplied gently, not willing to get into the reasons or details in the main corridor leading into the school.

"Eddie? Why do you need to speak with him? He's the quietest, kindest little boy you could hope to meet." The blonde defended the child vehemently.

"And you are?" Elliot asked bluntly, the lack of caffeine surging through his veins making him even more terse than usual.

"I'm Samia Camanetti, I'm Eddie's home room teacher. I also teach him English. Eddie should be in home room right now but I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to get permission from his parents and from Mr Jackson, the principal before I can allow you to speak with him." The unusual name almost jostled a memory free in Olivia's brain but before she could catch hold of it, it was gone again.

"Ms Camanetti, Edward's name has come up in an investigation we are working on. It is important that we speak to him as soon as possible, there might be a life at stake. We've tried contacting his parents on the only number we could find but we have so far been unable to do so." Olivia implored the teacher to understand their predicament and hoped to reassure her that they were not looking to cause trouble for the young boy. "Could you point us in the direction of the principal's office so we can get his permission to speak with Edward?"

Spying a nearby colleague, Samia told the attractive brunette, "I can do one better than that, I'll walk you there myself and then escort you back if Mr Jackson agrees you can speak to Eddie. Perhaps I can answer some general questions you might have in the meantime?" Samia quietly asked her colleague if she would mind watching over the home room class for her and then held her arm out indicating the detectives should make their way down the now empty corridor.

"Thank you, we appreciate your cooperation. Is Edward a regular attendee at school?" Olivia asked falling easily into step alongside their escort while Elliot brought up the rear.

"We've had a few issues with him missing days but no more than an average child. And if you do speak to him, you might want to call him Eddie. He tends to act out when he's called Edward but no one's been able to get him to explain why he hates it so much."

"Ok thanks, we'll remember that. Was Eddie in school on Friday?" Olivia questioned, noting the reaction to his full name in her notebook.

"No, no he wasn't. I thought it was strange, we didn't get a call to say he was sick and I remember Mrs James, the secretary, telling me at lunch time she had had difficulty making contact with Eddie's parents to find out why he was absent from school. To be honest, things got a little hectic here after lunch and I never thought any more of it and then when he turned up this morning with his arm in a sling, I just figured the family had been at the hospital getting that seen to when Mrs James tried to call them." Samia supplied the information freely as they walked along the corridor briskly.

"Did Eddie say how he hurt his arm?" Elliot spoke up from behind the two women.

"He just said he'd fallen chasing his little brother at home." The teacher stopped outside a closed door. Olivia reached out to prevent her from opening the door for a moment, wanting to ask a few more questions first in case the principal was not as forthcoming with information.

"Would you consider that a reasonable explanation? Is Eddie the type of child to rough house with his brother?" Samia seemed to consider that for a moment, concern flickering across her expressive features before she replied.

"Ordinarily I'd say no but recently, he seems to be, I don't know how to explain it but he seems like he's only barely holding back anger much of the time. I've had to give him time outs in the corner of the class to cool off a few times but I just put it down to hormones kicking in. He is ten years old, soon to be eleven. Boys at that age, well it's not entirely unusual to see some changes in their behaviour."

"Has he ever hit out at any of the other children? Have there been any suggestions he's overly aggressive in his play with them?" Elliot asked, his tone softer and more hushed in deference to their location.

"No, not at all. If anything, Eddie's anger is directed at himself. He gets frustrated when he makes a mistake, almost like he's punishing himself before anyone else can." Samia explained, keen to dispel any images the detectives were getting of Eddie as a violent child.

"OK well thank you Ms Camanetti, we'll go and speak with the principal and will be along to speak to Eddie shortly I hope." Elliot effectively dismissed the young teacher, moving beyond Olivia and placed his own hand on the door handle, ready to open it and enter the inner sanctum of the school. Samia nodded briskly at him, casting a shy glance and small smile in Olivia's direction.

Locking eyes with the tall, dark, brunette, the teacher responded so softly only Olivia heard, "please, call me Sam."

Liv returned the smile with a tiny one of her own, "thank you Sam." She followed her partner into the principal's office, casting one last glance over her shoulder at the retreating blonde as she attempted to tamp down on thoughts which were highly inappropriate given she was on the clock. Suddenly, she placed why the young blonde looked so familiar; memories of dancing, drinking and laughing at Candour a couple of months previously vaulted to the forefront of her mind. Slamming the door on those particular images, she attempted to focus on the task at hand.

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday February 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**11.34**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

Alex crept into the hospital room where Olivia lay dozing quietly. The tortured expression twisting her features into a mask of pain and horror belied the peaceful slumber. Knowing that the investigating detectives would be arriving shortly, the attorney crossed to the bed and softly spoke her friend's name, wishing to awaken her as gently as possibly. "Liv, honey, wake up." Brown eyes shot open, sweat trickling across pulsating temples as Olivia struggled to comprehend where she was.

"Al?"

"I'm here sweetie," Alex murmured, reaching to hold one of the brunette's shaking hands.

"She's gone Alex, Sami's really gone isn't she?" The detective's voice was hoarse as her grief filled her up once more, the brutal realisation slamming into Olivia with catastrophic force.

"I'm afraid so, Liv." Alex felt tears prick at her own eyes as the older woman sobbed before her. No words would convey her empathy sufficiently, nor end her friend's suffering and torment. Instead, the blonde attorney simply wrapped the grief-stricken woman into a tender embrace and leant silent support as the tears fell from them both. After long moments, the detective stilled, her wracking sobs becoming less frequent, replaced by the occasional gentle sniffling. Alex continued to hold her, reluctant to let go but knowing that all too soon, they would have company. She suspected that Liv would rather look less like she had been crying when they were joined by the detectives investigating the bombing and so she pulled away slightly. "Want me to fetch you a wash cloth so you can freshen up a little? The detectives will be here in about five minutes." Olivia nodded, gulping in deep breaths of air in an attempt to gain some semblance of control over her emotions. She hated showing any sign of weakness, even in front of Alex, her closest friend but it seemed as though her body was giving her little other option. Alex crossed to the faucet in the corner of the room having retrieved the cloth she had brought from Olivia's apartment that morning and ran it beneath the cool water. Wringing out the excess moisture, the slender blonde went to hand it to her friend but realised that without a mirror, she could do more harm than good due to the number of minor abrasions littering her face. Instead, Alex set about wiping the remnants of tears from the smooth olive-toned cheeks, soothing the cloth across Liv's fevered brow and lifting her hair gently to access the back of her neck. She could feel quizzical brown eyes locked on to her the entire time and studiously ignored the gaze, fearing that her own attraction to the brunette would be all too visible. The last thing Alex wanted was to make the situation any more difficult for the brunette. She stepped back and appraised Olivia's face, satisfied that the woman looked reasonably composed and without trace of tears. With a brief nod, she turned back to the sink to rinse out the wash cloth, leaving it to dry as she grabbed a towel. When Olivia made no move to take the towel from her, Alex took that as permission to dry the detective herself and did so, tenderly and reverently, taking great care not to press too hard for fear of irritating an injury.

"Thank you," Olivia husked as Alex returned the towel to its resting place, her voice vehement in its sincerity.

"You're welcome," Alex replied automatically before pulling a chair up to the side of the bed in preparation for the detectives' arrival. She positioned it close enough to the bed so that she could reach out and hold Olivia's hand should the brunette wish her to.

"I mean it Al, thank you, not just for this but for everything. You're a good friend, the best anyone could ask for. I don't tell you that nearly often enough." It appeared that her brush with death had made Olivia audit her interactions with those around her. Alex understood that feeling only too well. Her own 'death' had left her ruing all the things she should have said, all the words she had wanted to share but had never had the courage or the chance to. Further discourse was interrupted by the arrival of two bulky men in long trench coats.

"Detective Benson?" Olivia nodded reaching immediately for the security of Alex's hand. "I'm Detective Sykes, this is Detective Morientes. Is it ok to ask you some questions about what happened yesterday?" Alex was grateful to see the men treating Olivia gently. She knew there was immense pressure to solve the case from the brass but it seemed those investigating were choosing not to pile that pressure downwards onto their witness.

"Let's get this over with," Olivia grimaced, knowing that having to relive the events would cause pain that no medication could cure but also that it was necessary in order to prevent whoever had killed Sam from striking again. With a brief, business-like nod, Detective Sykes opened his questioning.

"Had you or Ms Camanetti received any threats, any suspicious mail, any kind of indication that someone had a grudge to bear against either of you prior to yesterday?"

"No, nothing, at least nothing that I'm aware of and I'm sure Sam would have mentioned it to me if she'd been receiving anything of that kind. But she was just a teacher, surely this is more likely to be connected to me, to my work isn't it?" Olivia queried back, a frown marring her smooth forehead.

"We're looking into all avenues right now, it really is too early to rule anything out." Detective Sykes tone was patient and understanding, not hint of condescension. "How long had you and Ms Camanetti been dating?"

"A little over 12 months," Olivia supplied, remembering back to the circumstances of their first meeting. "My partner, Detective Stabler and I met her whilst interviewing a victim at the school where she teaches…sorry taught." Liv looked down at the bed as she forced herself to refer to the woman she loved so dearly in the past tense.

"At any time during your relationship, did you encounter any hostility towards yourself or Ms Camanetti?"

"Nothing extreme. There were some parents at the school who were keen to see Sam removed from her position when rumours started about her being in a relationship with a woman, lest she corrupt their children's innocent young minds with her so-called 'deviant' views."

"And what about yourself? Did you encounter any open homophobia? I know that some of our colleagues can be a little narrow minded when they choose to be." Detective Sykes scribbled notes as he spoke, jotting down in his own inimitable scrawl details that only he would be able to decipher.

"Nothing overt, no. There were the occasional whispers when I walked down corridors but whilst I haven't been open about my sexuality before this happened, I think because of my work it was almost always assumed anyway. And I work with good people, the guys in my unit are all completely supportive and would have been supportive of my relationship with Sam had I chosen to tell them." Olivia still held Alex's hand tightly between both of her own, the only evidence she had that the blonde attorney was still in the room so quiet had she fallen.

"So yesterday, when you arranged to meet Ms Camanetti for lunch, was that a usual thing for you to do?" Detective Morientes, the taller of the two men, appeared content to let his partner ask all the questions, observing Olivia's reactions silently.

"Not when I was on duty. We'd sometimes meet at Alessandro's if I had a day off when Sam was working. That was the first time she had called me at work and asked me to meet her there for lunch." Olivia let her mind drift back to the phone call, analysing every nuance she could remember from their brief conversation.

"How did Ms Camanetti sound when you spoke to her on the telephone?"

"Stressed, tense, but I put it down to spending the morning dealing with pre-pubescent youngsters. I know she had some tough cases in her class this year. I should have asked her what was up, I should have insisted she talk to me when I returned her call," Olivia berated herself harshly knowing that had she done so, it might have bought them more time making it possible to save everyone, Sam included.

"You couldn't have known what was going to happen, Liv." Alex spoke up for the first time since the detectives had entered the room, knowing that allowing the brunette to wallow in self recrimination would not be productive.

"Ms Cabot is right, Detective. With the best will in the world, you couldn't have done any more than you did to save people." Detective Morientes chimed in, his voice rich and smooth with a gentle Hispanic lilt which belied his blonde haired, blue eyed appearance.

"What time did you arrive at Alessandro's?" Sykes pressed on, knowing it was better to treat this type of interview like ripping off a band aid; keep it as quick as possible, no point in drawing out the pain.

"It was about a quarter after midday, Sam was already there and seated in a booth by the front window." Olivia gulped, trying to swallow the lump steadily rising once again in her throat, determined to get through the interview without breaking down.

"What happened then?" Detective Sykes voice was soft, coaxing Olivia to confide in him. Alex decided she liked the burly man, he seemed genuine and almost fatherly in his approach to interviewing their witness.

"I sat opposite Sam, she had bruises on her face and some swelling. She handed me a note that she had been asked to give me – I gave it to one of the officers at the scene, I had it in my pocket, I know that means trace evidence is compromised but I…"

"It's ok, it's at the lab being tested for fingerprints." Sykes assured her before lapsing back into silence, indicating that Olivia should continue.

"She said whoever gave her the message had a gun, that he was waiting at the school when she arrived but she thought he was a maintenance worker. He cornered her after her first class got out, that was when she first tried to call me but I was in court so she had to leave a voicemail message. He told her that he had been following us both, that he knew where both our apartments are." Alex started at that detail, not having considered her own safety when she had visited to collect Olivia's belongings. It made her all the more determined that the older woman would be staying with her on her discharge from the hospital. "Sam told me she knew what the note said, she told me I had to evacuate the school and the diner. I asked her to show me the device – it was a vest with tubular charges sewn onto it and a lot of wires, that's all I saw. I didn't want to draw attention to it and cause panic. Sam received a text message from an unknown number, it showed a photograph of us both in the diner telling me to hurry up and make my choice. He was out there watching us, probably right up until the bomb went off." Olivia felt a single tear escape despite her best efforts to remain stoic and she clamped her jaw shut tightly to prevent her resolve from crumbling.

"I understand this must be a very difficult thing for you to talk about, we can take a break if you need to?" Detective Sykes offered, watching the young woman struggle for composure. A terse shake of the shaggy brunette head was her response.

"You need to know all this so you can find the bastard that did this to her." Olivia's vehement passion to see the perpetrator rot in Hell showed through in her tone of voice. Taking a deep breath and feeling Alex's thumb begin to gently soothe a path across the back of Liv's own hand, she felt ready to continue. She described in as much detail as she could recall how she had contacted Elliott and left the school evacuation up to him. She recounted how she herself had cleared everyone she could find from the diner and how she had remained behind with her lover, determined to keep her company. She gave the description of the man who had assaulted and strapped the bomb to Sam which she had got from the blonde teacher, along with details of the man's van including a partial licence plate number. She described the moment when time was ticking away and they both became aware that hope for the woman was lost and how the little girl had stumbled out of a back room where she must have been hidden which had caused Olivia to leave the diner, to leave her partner when every synapse in her body was screaming at her to stay. She stopped short of telling them how she had turned back towards the diner because she couldn't see a future without her lover, how she had been prepared to die alongside the young woman without any hesitation. Those were not details Olivia wanted being made a matter of public record and to their credit, neither detective asked her to explain why she still attempted to return despite knowing she would not be able to save Samia.

"That gives us a lot of information to sift through, a lot of avenues we can follow. We will get this guy and until we do, we're going to make sure there's an armed officer guarding you at all times. He can remain outside of the room in the corridor but we don't want to give whoever this is a free shot at you in here. I've got to be honest with you detective, I'm inclined to agree when you say that it is you who was the target. Ms Camanetti unfortunately was his bargaining chip and the one thing he knew would cause you the most pain if it was taken away. Just a couple more questions and then we'll leave and let you rest. Have there been any cases you've worked on recently that have involved anyone with a penchant for explosives? Or any individual you've interviewed or arrested that have made threats against you personally?" Detective Sykes looked up from his notepad, pen poised in readiness to add to his scribble. He was grateful to see Olivia actually thinking about her cases rather than simply dismissing the notion out of hand.

"None that come to mind but I'm sure if you speak with Captain Cragen and Detective Stabler, they'll have gone over my old files to see if anyone has cause to hold a grudge."

"Are there any victims or families who might have cause to feel let down by you personally? Anyone who you were unable to help?" The question was an uncomfortable one for him to ask. Sykes had heard only good things about Detective Benson when he made some general enquiries at the 1-6.

"In my line of work, there are always victims you can't help as much as you'd like to. Sometimes it's because our hands are tied, other times it's because of a lack of corroborating evidence. The system lets people down and yes there are times when they blame SVU but no one I have dealt with recently has claimed to hold me personally responsible for either what happened to them or their loved one or for any perceived lack of justice." Olivia understood the need to question her recent cases but that did not prevent her from feeling a little slighted at the insinuation she had done something to bring this situation upon herself. If she were honest, there was a gnawing guilt tugging at the dark recesses of her mind that feared she would not be able to live with herself if it did turn out to be her actions or inactions which had led to Sam's untimely death.

"Thank you for your time Detective. We'll let you get some rest now and we'll arrange to speak with you again if we need to." The two detectives made to leave the room, with Alex extricating her hand from Olivia's and rising to follow them.

"Can I ask you keep me apprised of progress on the case?" The blonde attorney surprised all three detectives by asking.

"We will keep you informed of what details we can share but I'm sure you appreciate there may be information we are not at liberty to discuss." Detective Sykes' eyes were kind and Alex knew that while he was selling her the party line, he would indeed share every part of the investigation he was able to with her, whether technically he should or not. She handed over her business card to ensure he could contact her any time he needed to. "Thank you, we'll be in touch."


	6. Chapter 6

_**Again, thank you to those of you taking the time to read this story with special thanks to those who also have left reviews and added this story to their alerts. As was introduced in the last chapter, there will be a full exploration of Sam and Olivia's history throughout the story, leading up to the events in chapter one. Hope you all continue to enjoy the ride and please do feel free to let me know what you think - be it good, bad or ugly. I read and appreciate every review/comment.**_

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 25<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**09.21**_

_**St Joseph's School, Brooklyn**_

"Hi Eddie, my name's Olivia, I'm a police officer. Could I talk you with for a few minutes?" The skinny young boy looked nervously towards his teacher, eyes pleading for help.

"It's ok Eddie, I can stay if you want me to." Ms Camanetti informed her student, noticing his reticence in the presence of Detective Stabler, who she did have to admit was somewhat intimidating with his current scowling expression. She looked to the female detective currently crouched in front of Eddie, silently checking it was indeed ok for her to remain in the room.

"Am I in trouble?" The boy had a hint of an Irish lilt to his voice which was just beginning to develop the richer tones that signalled impending puberty.

"What makes you think you're in trouble?" Olivia enquired gently, keeping her face open and friendly.

"My uncle talked to a police officer once and we didn't see him again for three years. My Da' says you get sent to jail if you talk to the police," Eddie supplied, nervously fidgeting with the pencil on the desk in front of him.

"That only happens if you've done something wrong. We're not here because you've done anything wrong, Eddie. I was wondering if I could talk to you about your Math tutor, Mr Pathitis." Ms Camanetti saw the change in her student a microsecond before the detective noticed his stiffening posture and the vicelike grip he had taken on the pencil now lodged firmly in his clenched fist.

"Eddie, NO!" The young teacher was already in motion as the boy launched himself to the ground. Olivia fell to her knees beside him, her hands cradling his head preventing him from hitting it against the solid flooring. Eddie's uninjured arm was flailing, trying to push her away, legs lashing out at anything in their path, intent on destruction.

"Eddie, it's ok. It's not your fault, you didn't do anything bad." Olivia felt a sharp sting on her arm as the pencil the struggling blonde child was brandishing scored down her skin. With the teacher's assistance, the two detectives managed to restrain the boy, with Olivia ending up cradling him to her in what she hoped was a comforting embrace. She felt small fingers tracing the path of the superficial wound on her arm and the young man began to tremble in her hold. The fingers were swiftly followed by tear drops raining down from Eddie's watery eyes.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Eddie repeated like a mantra, attempting to extricate himself from the detective's arms and cowering in fear of reprisals.

"It was an accident, there's no harm done really. It's just a little scratch." Olivia's tone was quiet and soothing. She loosened her hold allowing the student to move away should he choose to but making it clear that she was in no way angry with him. She felt the teacher hovering close by, ready to assist if her charge lashed out again.

"But I did bad, that means I have to be punished." The words were matter of fact, a weary resignation in the young man's tone suggesting that punishment was an accepted every day norm for him.

"I know you didn't mean to hurt me, Eddie. You would only get punished if you had meant to. Do you get punished at home for accidents?" Olivia wondered how much abuse this child had experienced in his few short years on the planet. A shake of the tousled blonde head was her response. "How about with your Math tutor, does he punish you?" Olivia kept her tone soft but was hyper aware of every movement of the lad still resting in her loose embrace.

"I'm a stupid, bad boy, I don't learn his lessons like I should so I gotta be punished." Again, it was a statement of fact, the child believing it to be the absolute truth. Fortunately, he showed no further signs of self injuring. Olivia took that to be a sign she was making progress with him, noticing Elliot was intentionally keeping his distance and his peace.

"What do you have to do as punishment?" The detectives already suspected they knew but needed Eddie to tell them in his own words. The three adults listened in increasingly disgusted silence, to the sickening details of the young boy's ordeal. Eddie became tense again, his skinny body going rigid in Olivia's arms. She feared that he was about to try to harm himself again when he surprised her and evidently his teacher as well by wrapping his arm tightly around Olivia and sobbing into her chest.

"It hurts real bad. I know it's 'cause I've been so bad and it's my fault but it don't stop it hurting."  
>"Eddie, I know that Mr Pathitis told you he was punishing you for being bad but getting sums wrong, making mistakes on your math work does not give him the right to hurt you like he has been doing. What happens when you're with him, that is not your fault…" Olivia's reassurances were interrupted by a cry from the blonde boy in her arms.<p>

"But it is. He only does it because I'm so bad. If I was smarter or if I tried harder and concentrated better, he wouldn't have to punish me."

"Eddie, sweetie, you know that you're not a bad boy really. You don't get into trouble at school do you? You've never been told off for fighting or picking on other children, you always got good grades in most of your subjects and even those you struggle in, like math, you always concentrate really, really hard. I've read your reports from your other teachers and I've seen you working myself to know that you are a very good student." Ms Camanetti spoke up, knowing that she could back the attractive brunette detective up with her own personal experiences of the child, realising that it would take a lot of convincing to undo the damage done by his private math tutor.

"Then why does he punish me? He makes me nervous and then I make more mistakes." Eddie sounded less sure that he deserved the 'punishments' meted out to him in sadistic fashion by the tutor whom the detectives were currently investigating, following a complaint from another of his private students.

"That's understandable, we all make more mistakes when someone is putting us under pressure or we're scared. Eddie, it will take time for you to believe it, but none of what has happened is your fault. Now, my partner and I can help you to stop Mr Pathitis punishing you or any other children again." Olivia explained.

"He hurts other children too? Are you going to send him to jail?" Eddie looked directly at Olivia for the first time, his pale blue eyes flickering with the tiniest glint of hope.

"With your help and the help of other children like you, we're going to do everything we can to send him to jail, yes. Do you think you can help us to do that Eddie?" The insecurity shadowed his expression once more and he looked to Ms Camanetti for reassurance.

"You can do it, you're a strong young man and I know how much you like helping other people. Think of all the other boys and girls who won't get hurt because of your bravery." The teacher smiled confidently at her student, seeing the resolve strengthen in him as he sat up straighter and took a deep breath.

"I can do it. I can help you to help everyone Mr Pathitis hurt." Eddie nodded once at Olivia as though confirming his belief in his statement.

"That's great Eddie, thank you. We'll let you get to your classes now and we'll talk to you soon ok?" Eddie briefly hugged the lady detective again before gathering his things and moving towards the door.

"I really am sorry I hurt your arm," he said as a parting shot. Olivia smiled at his retreating back. The resilience of children never failed to amaze her and while she knew it would be a long road to full recovery for the boy, she had high hopes that he would be ok in the long term.

"May I ask how you discovered that Eddie was involved?" Ms Camanetti pulled herself to her feet from her seat on the floor, offering Olivia a hand up also. "I understand if you can't discuss details but you seemed to know what was happening to him before he told you."

"Eddie's name was given to us by the father of another child who accused Mr Pathitis of touching him inappropriately during a tutoring session. Apparently, Eddie had been at the house just before this child arrived, they passed each other as Eddie was leaving and the father saw Mr Pathitis touch him intimately. He excused his son from the session and asked if the tutor had ever done anything like that to him. We have questioned that boy also and with his statement and Eddie's we will be able to get a warrant to search Mr Pathitis' apartment. That's all we can tell you and we'd ask that you keep even that information to yourself at this time to avoid compromising the case or tipping Mr Pathitis off that we are looking into his conduct." Elliot supplied the scant details dispassionately, not willing to allow anyone to see how much the testimony of the two young children had affected him. Cases involving children often hit him harder, making him painfully aware of how little protection he could offer his own brood from the dangers which could lurk frighteningly close to home. He watched the teacher help his partner to her feet, the young blonde acknowledging his request for discretion with a brief nod before her attention turned to the shallow scratches littering the toned swarthy skin of Olivia's forearm.

"Let me get that cleaned up for you, I've a first aid kit over here." The tutor retreated across the classroom before either detective could refuse. Olivia remained silent, her skin tingling from where the attractive young woman had tenderly run her fingers over the flesh wounds, her mind racing, switching rapidly between thoughts regarding the case and rather more inappropriate musings featuring the lady now strolling back towards her. "You might want to take a seat, this might sting a little." There was a twinkle in the blue-green eyes of the teacher that Olivia could not help but acknowledge was adorable.

"Oh I'm a big girl, I've had worse scratches than this and survived," Liv responded teasingly, her, her lips tugging upwards into a faint smile.

"Ok tough girl but don't say I didn't warn you." Samia knew she was more or less openly flirting with the detective and hoped her instincts were not wrong about the stunningly attractive woman whose arm she was currently bathing with the solution out of her meagre first aid kit, that their initial meeting had not simply been Olivia fulfilling a moment of curiosity. She winced as she brushed the swab over a deeper part of the wound caused by the pencil. She was mildly impressed when there was not so much as a flicker, nor a reflex tensing of the muscles contained within the lean limb but then she supposed her frame of reference was children, the majority of whom had never known worse injuries. "Well, well Detective, I think I should give you a gold star for your bravery," Sam joked as she finished up, checking she had removed any debris from the scratches. She was gratified to hear a throaty laugh released from the woman whose arm she was cradling. Even Elliot smirked as he watched the interaction between the pair. It wasn't all that unusual to see his partner attracting attention from both men and women and whilst she remained ambiguous about her sexuality, she ordinarily deflected potential suitors of both genders with equal aplomb.

"Thank you, Ms Camanetti," Olivia began, only to be interrupted gently by the teacher.

"Please, call me Sam," she insisted again.

Olivia nodded in deference to the young woman's request. "Sam, could I leave my card with you to pass on to Eddie? Any time he needs to contact me, he can. My cell phone number is on there as is the direct line to the squad room. If you have any concerns about Eddie, please don't hesitate to contact myself or Detective Stabler." Olivia was struggling to retain a professional façade. She could have passed her card on to Eddie herself before sending him off to his classes but had spied an opportunity to subtly pass her number to the young teacher, hoping that she might find an excuse to call her. Elliot's cell chose that moment to ring. He excused himself from the room in order to take the call.

"Can I call you some time, socially?" Sam asked attempting to pass off the enquiry as casual but nervously fidgeting with the swab she had used to clean Olivia's arm. The detective's heart skipped happily at the thought and took the business card back before scribbling her private cell number on the reverse.

"I'd like that," the brunette admitted, bashfully. Rationally, she knew she should exercise caution. She didn't really know this woman from the next complete stranger, despite their brief dalliance at Candour. She knew that the Captain would have her badge if he discovered she was even entertaining the notion of dating someone who was related in any way to an open investigation. Knowing all that however could not deter her from hoping Sam called her, soon.

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday February 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**14.12**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

"Detective Benson, I have Mr and Mrs Camanetti in the lounge asking if they can visit with you for a while?" The pale blonde head of her current guardian peeped around the door.

Liv had half expected Sam's family to ignore her, that they would be too weighed down by their own grief and loss to remember her existence. That same half of her had hoped that was the case so she could avoid their accusations, their disappointment, their blame. The other half hoped to see them, to retain that tiny link to the life which had been taken from her. With no small amount of apprehension, the brunette nodded her assent to receiving the visitors.

"Olivia, sweetheart!" The detective was enveloped in a warm, tender embrace from the blonde whirlwind who entered the small side room. Samia's mother held her daughter's girlfriend close to her, stroking a gentle hand through her hair over and over. Fausto Camanetti stood back from the bed observing his wife through watery eyes. Seeing Olivia was another painful reminder that their daughter would never be coming home again. He apportioned no blame to the detective but he could not help but resent the fact that Olivia was alive while his daughter had perished. He kept his distance as the two women cried in each other's arm.

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I should have saved her, I should have tried harder. There has to be something I could have done. It should have been me, Samia should be here with you, not me." Olivia sobbed into Gina's shoulder, the blame she had feared Sam's parents would lay at her door superseded by her own guilt at her perceived failure.

"Ssssh baby girl, you got nothing to be sorry for. I know you and I know how much you love my daughter, if there had been a way, you would have found it. Don't you go blaming yourself for it being her time to go." Gina held the woman who had captured her daughter's heart, wishing she had a magic formula to turn back time and change history.

"I love her so much…" Olivia broke down into fresh sobs, grimacing in pain as her surgery site made its presence known. Maternal instincts kicked into high gear for Gina, she buzzed for assistance and helped Liv to lay back against her pillows, ensuring all the while that they were in the optimum position for her comfort. Seeing the pain etched across the brunette's face, Fausto approached the bed, flanking her on the opposite side to his wife, hesitantly reaching for Olivia's hand. Their gazes met, an unspoken conversation passing between them as a single tear escaped the man's eyes and traced a path across his sun-worn cheek.

"Everything ok in here?" The guard and a nurse appeared in response to the buzzer.

"Olivia is in pain," Gina supplied.

"Can you tell me where it hurts?" The Hispanic nurse approached the bed as the visitors stepped to the back of the room.

"It's nothing, just a twinge from the surgery." Olivia's stubborn streak shone through.

"Olivia, we lost our daughter yesterday, please do not make us mourn your loss as well. That would be like losing two members of our family, please do not ask that of us." Fausto's voice was quiet but firm. Liv knew that they had always treated her well and accepted her relationship with their daughter; to hear him refer to her as a member of the family broke her heart, and her resolve. Olivia tamely allowed the nurse to assess the site of her surgical procedure. With a frown, the medic stated that she would ask an attending to take a look at the wound, assuring them that it was a precaution.

"We'll wait in the corridor, sweetheart, ok? We'll be right outside," Gina assured the brunette who was timidly picking at lint on the blankets covering her. A tiny nod was the only response they received.

A young-looking female doctor entered the room as they left, hair mousy brown hair tied back in a sloppy pony tail, the shadows beneath her eyes telegraphing how many hours she had been on duty. Inwardly, Olivia groaned knowing this inspection would either result in a new barrage of tests from an overly cautious young medic, hyper aware of her own limitations due to fatigue or a cursory glance which might in fact miss something crucial to Olivia's recovery progress. "Let's take a look at you then." The harsh Texan twang seemed out of place coming from such a delicate looking woman. Olivia associated that region with the more robust form of Abbie Carmichael, a long term acquaintance, occasional sexual dalliance and ex-SVU ADA. "How would you describe your pain, Ms Benson?"

"It's a dull sort of cramp mostly. I think I just moved awkwardly before, there was a sharper, more localised pain that triggered off a kind of throbbing sensation in my abdomen." Olivia explained, sure that it was nothing more than the usual post-operative twinges – not that she had any frame of reference to compare it to.

"The sharper pain, can you show me where that was localised?" Olivia moved her hand to the lower left quadrant of her belly. "Ok and the throbbing feeling, where are you getting that?"

"Same sort of area but a bit more widespread, like I can feel it almost across to my belly button rather than it being just in that one place." The doctor looked pensive as she considered her patient's words.

"Have you had your appendix removed?"

"Ummm not that I'm aware of, I don't remember having any operations so unless it was done when I was very young I'd have to say no." The doctor did not respond for a few moments, examining the area where she would expect to find evidence of the surgical procedure having been performed.

"It could very well just be a muscular reaction to either the surgery or to your abdominal trauma, possibly both, but as a precaution, I'd like to do a few tests to rule out the possibility of a developing appendicitis. Better that we catch it early if that's what it does turn out to be than hope it's not and you becoming septic because it ruptures." Apparently, her bedside manner did not include sugaring the pill.

"Ok," Olivia murmured wondering how she had managed to get into her forties without any operations and now was looking down the barrel of the second within 24hrs. The doctor left, promising to return as soon as they were ready to begin the tests. Sam's parents trooped back into the room, expectant and worried expressions adorning both their faces. "They want to run some tests to rule out appendicitis." Olivia explained without prompting, not wishing to cause them any further grief than she already had.

"Well that's manageable, they can soon put that right if it is that." Gina fussed over Liv's blankets, pulling them a little tighter across the detective's legs and tucking them a little further under the narrow mattress.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Wednesday March 26<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**14.36**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"What in the hell happened in there, Counsellor?" Elliot fumed, a vein throbbing dangerously at his temple. ADA Sandy Brunswick sank into a chair usually reserved for witnesses beside the brawny detective's desk.

"Honestly, Detective, I don't know." There was weary resignation in her tone that spoke to her optimistic view of the role she had been in post only a short while for. "I've gone over and over it in my mind since the judge granted bail and I fail to see what any of us missed. Sometimes, there's just no guessing what a judge will see fit to do."

Elliot knew the attorney was right but that didn't make the pill any less bitter to swallow. "How could he not see that Pathitis is not just a flight risk but also a risk to any young boy he meets? That man is a serial paedophile with no conscience about what he's done to those boys. What part of that sounds like a man who should be out on the streets?" The detective was not done venting quite yet.

"El, it's not Sandy's fault and you're preaching to the choir. We all know it's a mistake but all we can do now is hope that the near miss makes him lie low until the trial." Olivia attempted to placate her partner. She knew she was being overly optimistic and that in all likelihood a bench warrant would have to be issued when Pathitis disappeared off radar but she felt a little sorry for their latest ADA. The judge presiding over the bail hearing had obviously taken against her from the outset, having railed at her for her choice of suit – which Olivia happened to think was actually rather stunning and very flattering to the curvaceous woman's figure. It was neither too revealing nor overly staid, the skirt length was modest without being excessive and the heels she had teamed with it were in keeping with the attire of most other attorneys in the court house that day. In fact, the only thing that Olivia could see which made the suit stand out from the rest of the lawyerly crowd was the fact that it was a pale mint colour which accentuated Sandy's piercing green eyes.

"I guess I know to stick to black suits whenever Judge Coniston is presiding in future." It appeared Sandy's own mind had followed a similar path to Olivia's, recalling the roasting she had been given for daring to wear what the gnarled judge had termed 'such an outlandish colour' in his courtroom.

"You did what you could, now we just have to wait." Olivia smiled sympathetically, wishing she was not catching that weekend so she could sit on Pathitis' house and make sure he was not harming any other children until his trial began on Monday. She briefly wondered if either Munch or Fin had plans that they would be willing to forego in order to try to ensure the safety of children all over New York.

"Maybe but I think I'll have a word with my boss and see if there's any way I can appeal the ruling given that it appeared to be influenced by a personal bias rather than based on the cold, hard facts we presented. We met the burden of proof that he poses a serious risk, to set bail at such a miniscule amount is tantamount to dismissing the evidence. He practically released him on his own recognisance." Sandy's own fiery temper flared as she remembered the quiet outrage that swept through the court at the hearing. Nothing was said which would give the judge reason to clear the room but it was obvious no one except the defendant and his sleazeball counsel were pleased with the decision. Even Pathitis' wife looked askance at the bizarre ruling which seemed totally out of context given the severity of the charges brought against him.

"I'm not letting him outta my sight until he's in that court room and getting locked up for as many years as the maximum allows," Elliot announced determinedly.

"I'm afraid that won't be possible Detective, you've just caught another case and I expect it to have your full attention." Captain Cragen informed his subordinate. "A body's been found dumped down by the East River." He handed Elliot a slip of paper with the address on it and instructed the pair to head down there immediately.


	7. Chapter 7

_**Disclaimer: see chapter 1**_

_**And as always, humble thanks to those reading/reviewing/adding this story to their alerts, you're all very kind :)**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 28<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**09.15**_

_**St Joseph's School, Brooklyn/Manhattan SVU**_

Sam waited nervously as the phone rang in her ear, willing the call to be answered.

"Benson," came the curt response, the voice a little husky and subdued as though the woman had been sleeping.

"Detective Benson, I'm sorry to call you… it's Samia Camanetti, Eddie O'Keefe's teacher, we met the other day when you came to the school to speak with him." The young woman was aware that she was probably babbling.

"I remember, what can I do for you? Is Eddie ok?" The concern was immediately evident reassuring Sam that she had been correct to call, despite it being so early in the school day.

"Well that's why I'm calling actually. He hasn't arrived at school today – he's never late and if he's not coming in, his mother rings and tells us. I've tried calling both parents but I can't reach them which is fairly typical during the day. No one is answering the home phone either so…" The young blonde trailed off, suddenly unsure if she was worrying too much over nothing.

"I'll be right over and I'll send my partner to Eddie's house to see if anyone's home." Olivia was already out of the tiny cot she had been catching forty winks in and tearing down the stairs into the squad room. She and Elliot had both been working their new case until well into the small hours of the morning. Elliot had slept first while Olivia went over mountains of paperwork looking for any kind of break. Olivia had finally crawled into the crib around 7am, unable to keep going any longer on caffeine and adrenaline.

"I'm probably worrying about nothing but Eddie's such a healthy child, I think he's been off sick a dozen days his entire school career and he is always here by 8am. Like I say, the only occasions he hasn't attended, his mother has always called to let us know. I just worry about him with all that's happened recently…" Sam supplied, grateful that the detective was taking her concerns seriously but embarrassed in case it turned out to be nothing.

"You did the right thing calling me. We'll find him. I'll be with you in around 15 minutes." The women ended their call, each lost to their own concerns. "Elliot, I need you to get over to the O'Keefe's place, Eddie hasn't turned in for school today." The two detectives needed no further conversation, both of their minds turning to the fact Eddie's abuser was out on bail pending the start of his trial.

"I'll call the other victim's schools, make sure they all turned in," Fin called to the retreating backs as they disappeared. Captain Cragen appeared in the doorway, wondering what had his two sleuths in such a tearing hurry they could not pause to fill him in.

"Edward O'Keefe may be missing," Munch informed their boss, helpfully. Cragen retreated into his office without a word, a bad feeling gnawing at his gut.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 28<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**09.38**_

_**St Joseph's School, Brooklyn**_

"Detective Benson, I'm here to see Ms Camanetti." Olivia strode into the office the young teacher had escorted them to on their previous visit.

"She's in the principal's office, I'll let them know you're here." The secretary picked up the phone and pressed an extension, briefly relaying her message before indicating Olivia should enter the room.

"Thank you for coming so quickly Detective. Ms Camanetti has filled me in on her conversation with you. I'm sure young Edward is fine but you can never be too careful these days." Mr Jackson rose as Olivia entered the room, shaking her hand formally. Samia stood also, hanging back slightly, fidgeting nervously with her hands.

"Given the nature of the case, we take any unusual absence very seriously Mr Jackson." Olivia did not appreciate his glib attitude nor his condescending tone. It was clear he did not share his employee's concern regarding the whereabouts of the young boy. Focusing her attention on Eddie's teacher, the brunette approached and guided her back onto the couch against the far wall of the principal's office. "How has Eddie seemed since we were here last?"

"Better actually, brighter, more like his old self. It's been like a light bulb has been turned back on inside him and he's allowing himself to live again rather than simply existing," Sam relayed, still keeping her gaze firmly on her constantly wringing hands. Olivia observed the nervous gesture and placed one of her own atop them, stilling the motion.

"But..?" Liv prompted.

"Yesterday, I taught Eddie for English after last break. He was really quiet and tense, I could tell something was bothering him again. I asked him what was the matter. He told me he thought he'd seen Mr Pathitis by the school yard. I told him he couldn't hurt him anymore, that he wasn't allowed to come near him but I don't think he believed me. What if he was right not to believe me?"

"Did you report it to the police?" Olivia asked the question gently, careful to keep her tone neutral and free from anything which could be perceived as accusatory.

"Ms Camanetti spoke to me regarding Edward's allegation. I chose not to waste police time chasing a ghost. Chances are the boy saw someone who bore a fleeting resemblance to the man accused of abusing him and panicked and even if it was the man himself, he was unlikely to stay at the school once he was seen and wait for you to pick him up." Mr Jackson perched himself on the edge of his desk and Olivia had to restrain her urge to knock him on his pompous ass.

"Mr Jackson, there is an injunction in place which states Mr Pathitis is not allowed within 150 meters of the boys who have accused him of abusing them. His presence outside the school would, at the least, be a violation of that court ruling. It could also be construed as an attempt to intimidate a witness. I hope, for your sake, that Mr Pathitis is in no way involved in Eddie's absence today or, so help me, I will see to it that you regret your decision not to 'waste police time' as you put it." Olivia's face was a mask of stone but the hand still resting on the young teacher's clenched fists remained gentle, almost tender.

"I should have called you then, I shouldn't have waited." Sam berated herself for failing to follow her instincts. "What if he has Eddie? You have to find him. You have to find Eddie."

"We are doing everything we can. Detective Stabler is at Eddie's home right now, we have other officers visiting the parents at work. If Eddie is not at home, if his parents don't know where he is, an Amber Alert will be issued immediately. And I'm sure my boss has already arranged for detectives to pay Mr Pathitis a visit." Olivia assured the distraught teacher, her guilt palpable in the enclosed office.

"I should have called you," Sam insisted, tearing her hands out from beneath the detectives own before standing and striding across to the window.

"You called me as soon as you had definite cause to warrant concern, Sam." Olivia recalled the young blonde's insistence at their previous meeting as to how to address her.

"What if it wasn't soon enough? How do I live with myself if he's hurting Eddie again? How do I persuade Eddie to trust me again when I've let him down so badly?" The teacher spoke to the glass as she gazed through watery eyes out at the cruel world beyond.

Drawing on her own personal experience, Olivia replied, "there are times when bad things happen to people we care about that are beyond our control. You couldn't have done any more than you did to protect him and Eddie will understand that it was not you who let him down. But let's not get ahead of ourselves ok? We don't know for sure that Eddie isn't simply at home, tucked up in bed feeling under the weather. There could be any number of reasons his mother didn't call." The brunette detective's cellphone chose that moment to ring. She snatched it out of the clip on her belt and moved towards the door into the outer office, stepping through it before answering the call.

"Liv, it's me. I'm at the O'Keefe's, nobody's home. I spoke to a neighbour who saw Eddie leave the apartment as normal this morning. The neighbour was out walking his dog, Eddie stops to say hello and make a fuss of the pup every day. He watched Eddie head to the end of the block while the dog did what dog's do. Apparently, Eddie looked across the road and then took off running towards the school. The neighbour couldn't see who or what had spooked him but I'd be willing to bet we know who it was. You heard from Munch or Fin yet?" Elliot filled his partner in on what he had found out, walking the route the neighbour had told him Eddie took each day from his apartment to the school. He kept his eyes peeled for anything that might be suggestive of a struggle but fairly heavy foot traffic made that highly unlikely.

"Nothing yet. Sounds like Pathitis was at the school yesterday afternoon. The principal decided it wasn't worth letting us know that small detail," Olivia commented sourly as their fears seemed to be confirmed.

"Sounds like Pathitis is doing a bit of housekeeping doesn't it?" Elliot sighed, mentally strangling Judge Coniston.

"Let's hope not, El. Let's hope it's a misunderstanding and Eddie just wanted some time to himself." There was little optimism in Liv's tone belying her words.

"I'm gonna talk to some of the businesses around here, see if any of them saw Eddie this morning. A kid can't just vanish into thin air, someone must have seen something." Elliot signed off the call as he wandered into a local bodega.

Olivia re-entered the principal's office, interrupting a terse conversation between Jackson and Sam.

"…will hold you personally responsible if anything happens to that boy." Sam muttered, determined to finish her vehement statement despite the detective's return.

"That was my partner. Eddie's not at home and a neighbour reported him leaving for school as normal. We're now treating this as a possible abduction. I'm going to head back to the precinct and get the ball rolling with the Amber Alert and see what information the other officers have collected."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday February 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**15.26**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

Olivia was wheeled back into her room having been poked, prodded, scanned, quizzed, palpitated and having had yet more blood drawn. Samia's parents were waiting for her having vowed not to leave until they knew the woman would be alright. As much as it pained them to see her, as hard as it reminded them of how much they had lost, Olivia still held a very special place in both their hearts. The brunette was touched by their concern but was unsure how sociable she could be. The medication she had been given mixed with the toll from her injuries had sapped her energy reserves and run them to an all time low. Her eyelids drooped wearily, her head lolling back against the pillows.

"Don't fight it, Olivia. If you need to sleep, you go right ahead." Gina soothed a hand across the flawless brow of their daughter's partner, watching as the soulful brown eyes fluttered shut. The Camanetti matriarch bowed her head and offered up a silent prayer to the deity she worshipped to watch over her only daughter's soul and also the wellbeing of the woman lying in the hospital bed. She crossed the room to where her husband was standing silently, observing the scene before him.

"She's a fighter, a strong spirit. She'll get through this better than Samia would have done had the tables been reversed." Fausto's voice was strained, the pain of losing his beloved girl blatant.

"We will help each other to learn to live without Samia's light. Olivia will need us every bit as much as we are going to need her. I only hope she will let us remain close to her." Gina's concern which had been eating at her since Olivia was taken for her tests finally voiced itself.

"We can't know how Olivia will react, we can only keep our hearts and minds open to her and hope she will not forsake us. The family would all miss her." It was the closest Fausto could bring himself to admit that he himself would desperately miss Olivia should she choose to not remain in contact with them now that they no longer had the connection of their daughter. He feared that being around them, the reminder that it served might prove to be too painful for the older woman to bear, at least in the immediate future. It was a pain he understood all too well as he battled his own inner war with that soul-deep hurt. Seeing Olivia alive cut him like a knife to the very quick but also soothed him in ways he could neither define nor explain. Grief truly was a conundrum.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 28<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**10.23**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"Detective Benson, this is Mr and Mrs O'Keefe, Edward's parents." Detective Cragen made the introductions as Olivia stalked back into the bullpen. They had not been necessary for Olivia to know that she was looking at the frightened parents of a missing child. The deep-set frowns worrying identically at furrowed brows coupled with the heartbreaking mix of emotions swirling in the two sets of eyes fixed on her was plenty evidence to identify them.

"Is there any news? Have you found my boy?" Mr O'Keefe stepped forward, invading Olivia's personal space a little too much for her liking.

"I've spoken to the school, there's no sign of him there I'm afraid," Olivia informed them, stepping back a little and taking a position beside her captain. It did not evade her attention that the husband referred to Eddie as 'his' boy, not 'their' son, as though his wife's input was unimportant. "Has Eddie mentioned anyone hanging around? Anyone following him?"

"You know who has him, that paedophile bastard that was abusing him. If you had done your job right, my son would be at school and that sick son of a bitch would be rotting in a jail cell." It was clear that in his fear, Mr O'Keefe was not prepared to be rational. In truth, Olivia couldn't help but feel some sympathy towards him, knowing that the system had let Eddie down.

"Mr O'Keefe, whilst we can speculate that Mr Pathitis has Eddie, we currently have no evidence to support that theory. Until we do, our hands are tied legally. We are doing everything we can to find your son." Captain Cragen attempted to placate the father. "Now, if you and your wife will go with this officer, he will make sure you have everything you need. I need to speak with my detective and get the next stage mobilised on your son's case."

"Just make sure you bring my son back to me safe." Mr O'Keefe fired a pointed look in Olivia's direction as he ushered his wife after the uniformed officer.

"What did the school say?" Cragen fired the question at the brunette as soon as he was convinced the parents were out of earshot.

"Eddie thought he saw Pathitis outside the school yesterday afternoon, he must have headed there straight after he made bail if it was him. The teacher he reported it to spoke with the principal who made a seriously flawed judgement call when he decided not to report that suspected sighting. Mr Jackson does not seem overly sympathetic to Eddie's case – I'd like to do some digging into his background just to make sure there's no chance he might be involved." Olivia filled her captain in on her conversation with the teacher and the principal, making sure she left nothing out.

"Be discrete but take a look at them both, cover our bases and make sure we're not going to get blind-sided by some smart-ass defence lawyer or by the press. As soon as the Amber Alert hits the media, it won't take long for the finger pointing to begin. Let's make sure they don't point in this direction." With a nod, Olivia slid into her seat and began accessing all the records she could for Samia Camanetti and Craig Jackson. Her gut told her the female teacher would never put a child in harm's way but Cragen was right, they needed to prove it and to prove they had looked into every angle of this case.

Liv had no idea how long she had been searching through various systems looking for anything that might cause concern about either of the school employees she had dealt with but as she looked up to see her partner walk back into the room, her back groaned in protest signalling it had been some time since she had stirred.

"Find anything useful?"

"Nothing so far, how about you?" Liv fired back, standing and crossing to the coffee pot, not caring how old the brew was but simply needing a stimulant to keep her going.

"Majority saw nothing, know nothing, want to know even less but there was one guy in a mom and pop store who thinks he saw Eddie getting into a dark SUV. He thought nothing of it at the time 'cause the kid looked like he was going voluntarily but now he thinks the man who got in behind him might have been a little too hands on. Olivia sat back down at her desk, coffee set aside as she pulled up a screen to search DMV records for their suspect.

"There's no SUV registered to Milo Pathitis but there is a black Tahoe registered to a Jason Pathitis at an address in Midtown." While Liv scribbled down the full address, Elliot pulled up a screen of his own.

"Jason Pathitis has a rap sheet a mile long; assault, assault with a deadly weapon, attempted murder, abduction of a minor. What the hell is this guy doing out on the street? From his last arrest, his only living relative is a Mr Milo Pathitis. This can't be coincidence, can it?"

"Contact Sandy, see if it's enough to get a warrant. I'll go talk to the captain." Olivia rose from her seat striding with vigour towards her boss' office. She rapidly filled him in on what they had discovered, finishing as Elliot leant around the doorjamb.

"Sandy's going to get a judge to sign a warrant to search Jason Pathitis' place, said she'd meet us there with it." The two detectives grabbed their jackets on their way past their desks as they headed for the elevator, not stopping as Munch and Fin marched back into the bullpen.

"Any other victims missing?" Olivia called desperately as she walked out.

"Not yet but they're all pretty shook up and planning on staying anywhere except home tonight," Fin informed her. "Where you off to?"

"Cap'll fill you in," Olivia told him as the elevator doors closed.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday February 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**18.49**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

"Hey you, I hear you've been causing trouble today," Alex teased as she sauntered into Olivia's room, sinking gratefully into the chair beside the bed.

"False alarm, my appendix is fine, it's just more bruising coming out." Olivia was relieved she would not require more surgery. Sitting around with time on her hands did not sit well with her at the best of times but in the current circumstances it was tantamount to torture.

"Apart from that, how are you feeling?" Alex was genuinely interested to hear the answer, wondering how Olivia had coped with a visit from Sam's parents.

"Weary, guilty, still like I shouldn't be here but at the same time thankful that I am, does that make sense?" Olivia's face was set in a frown as she attempted to pin down elusive feelings and explain them vocally.

"Yeah, it makes perfect sense to me." Alex recalled feeling something similar during her first months in the program, when survivor guilt gnawed away at her daily constantly reminding her of Agent Donovan's untimely death and making her question why she had been chosen to survive in this state of limbo. "I hear Sam's parents came to see you today."

"They did. I knew it would be hard but Al, the look on their faces damn near killed me. I could see exactly how much it hurt them to see me alive, how much I drove home to them that their daughter is no longer here. And then the pain hit and I had to go for the tests and they looked so worried, I wanted to reassure them, to tell them I was going to be ok but all I could do when I got back was sleep. When I woke up, they were gone." Olivia looked distraught and disappointed in her the realisation that she did not possess superhuman powers of recovery or limitless energy.

"And I've no doubt they will be back to check on you and to make sure you're being well cared for. From everything you and Sam told me of how they accepted you, you are just as much family as a true blood relation." Alex was keen to assure Olivia that the parents would understand.

"It all just seems a bit... surreal I suppose. I mean, I've never had a family, not really, so I don't understand some of the finer nuances." Liv's brown eyes were downcast as she admitted her limited frame of reference for 'normal' family life.

"Liv, sweetie, every family is different and so long as you trust your heart, you will know exactly what is the right thing to do and when to do it."

"Do you think they'll still want me around now that…" Olivia choked on the words, the reality of her girlfriend's death still sinking in.

"Do I think that they will still love you like a daughter? Yes I do. Will they want to spend time with you? I would think that in time they will want you to still feel like part of their family. Perhaps in the short term things might be a little difficult; you fear that you are hurting them by being around them, perhaps they fear they are doing the same to you. Talk to them, be honest with them, tell them how you feel about them and listen to what they tell you. If they want some time, some space, you'll have to respect that but honestly, I think you all can help each other heal. You all share that bond of having loved Sam truly, deeply and unconditionally." Alex held Olivia's hand gently, stroking a thumb across the prominent knuckles. The action seemed so natural, so unconscious and neither woman made a move to break the contact. A few moments comfortable, reflective silence passed between them.

"Alex, if it's ok with the Camanetti's, would you come with me to whatever kind of service they have for Sam? I don't think I can do it on my own." Hearing the ordinarily ferociously independent detective admit that she needed a friend to lean on took Alex's breath away. Making a silent vow to herself to move heaven and earth if needs be to fulfil the promise she was about to make, Alex nodded.

"So long as it's ok with Sam's family, I'd be honoured to go with you and support you in any small way that I can."

"You already do Al, you help me so much. I couldn't have got through the last 24 hours without your support." Tears pricked at the blonde attorney's eyes as she considered the alternative.

"Well just so you know, I don't intend to stop any time soon so I suggest you get used to it." Olivia favoured her friend with a shy smile which just about reached her eyes, the first since Sam's death. "I guess now would be a good time to confess something." Alex's eyes flickered to Liv's own before settling back on the swarthy-skinned hand trapped beneath her alabaster limb. "When I stopped by your apartment to collect your things for the hospital, I packed up some more clothes and bits. I thought it might be best if you stayed with someone for a few weeks when you get out of here so I took the liberty of bringing your things to my apartment." Alex worried at her bottom lip with her teeth, a sure sign she was nervous.

She heard a sigh and feared the brunette was psyching herself up for a fight but was floored completely when she heard Liv's response. "That's so sweet. I umm… I was actually going to ask if you'd mind me staying for a few days at least. I don't think I can face going back home without Sam just yet." Alex nodded in understanding. She had found it hard enough driving by her mother's house after she had come back to the city following her release from witness protection knowing that her mother no longer resided there. To walk into a home you had made with someone, that had been so vibrantly alive with another person's spirit, knowing that never again would they cross the threshold, well Alex couldn't even begin to imagine what an ordeal that would be.

"You're more than welcome to stay at my apartment for as long as you feel you want to. It's plenty big enough for the both of us." Alex smiled warmly at her friend, glad that Liv was willing to accept her help across the board, for now at least.

"I tried to go it alone after Sealview, it didn't work out so well and it could have cost me my badge. I'm no longer too proud to admit when I need a little assistance. Having Sami, what we shared… it taught me a lot about not always being self reliant." Olivia seemed to read Alex's thoughts, the detective in her as perceptive as ever.

"It's good to grow as a person," Alex's response was fairly neutral. While she was glad Olivia found it easier to accept support than when they had previously been friends, it also drove home how much of that growing period Alex had missed, first due to Zapata and then because of her own fears and insecurities. In truth, Alex was a little jealous too. She felt her own personal growth had ceased for the entirety of her incarceration in the program, she had withdrawn into herself and cut herself off from getting involved in the lives of others. There had been a few occasions when her head had been turned by someone and she had sought companionship but after being wrenched from one relationship that had meant something to her, Alex had opted to stay predominantly single until she had moved back to New York and met Robert. Thinking back to how that relationship had ended, she wondered if she hadn't deliberately sabotaged that relationship too, using Jim in the process. Maybe she truly had become the Ice Princess she had been accused of being when she first joined the special victims unit.

"Hey, where did you just wander off to?" Liv's soft voice broke into Alex's reverie. The blonde responded with a resigned shake of her head, not wanting to burden the older woman at a time when she needed someone to be strong for her. "Al, please, just talk to me like you would if we were sharing drinks or takeout in your office. You looked so sad just then, what were you thinking about?"

"How much of your growing I missed. How much of life I've missed. Years I can't ever get back. How much that has changed me and unlike you, my changes are not ones of growth." Alex tried to explain the thoughts that had been running through her mind.

"We can't change the past just like we can't change the scars we're left with from the events that touch our lives but we can steer the course of our future if we accept our limitations and our potential. Nothing is set in stone. Al, you might feel like you were suffocated while you were in the program and I can't even begin to imagine how it must have been for you to go through that but you're here now. You've survived it, maybe not unscathed but you have the whole of the rest of your life ahead of you, that's plenty of chances to make up for lost time and room for growth. Never stop believing in yourself. Alex, you are a good person and a truly selfless friend – who else would do what you have done and are continuing to do for me? You perhaps haven't changed in so many negative ways as you have convinced yourself you have."

"See this, this is what I missed most when I was away. You have a way of cutting through the bull," Alex admitted quietly.

"Aw and I thought it would have been the arguments you missed most, we had enough of them," Olivia quipped, hoping to lighten the tension that was settling in the room.

"Oh I missed those too. You have no idea how many times I argued with my own shadow – it wasn't nearly as satisfying!" That earned a genuine laugh from the detective, the sound music to Alex's ears.

"Sam never challenged me the way you did, she never would go toe to toe with me. Most of the time we agreed, we had very similar views, especially when it came to how children should be treated. But when we didn't see eye to eye, she'd usually end up agreeing with me and backing down for the sake of a peaceful life. I used to curse every deity I could think of for you not being around when I needed to exercise those muscles." Olivia met Alex's gaze, a moment of something undefined passing between them before both of them collapsed into a fit of laughter.

"What a pair we are!" Alex gasped when she recovered her breath. She saw Olivia wince a little as she too caught her breath. "Liv, are you ok? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made you laugh when you're recovering from surgery."

"Alex, it's ok. I needed that and trust me when I say that Sam would approve. She told me, yesterday before… in the diner when we were alone, she told me she'd come back and haunt me if I didn't honour her by living my life to the full. I don't expect it to be as easy as that but I do intend to do my best to do as she asked." Liv squeezed her friend's hand tightly. "What say we help each other move forward and continue growing?" The brunette hoped she could encourage Alex to see her potential, her strengths and her achievements which in turn would bring some of the fire and intensity back to the attorney's spirit.

"I'd say that sounds like a pretty fair deal, I'll take it." Alex's stomach flipped a little, despite her rational mind knowing Olivia was interested purely in her friendship.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**Thank you, as always, to those reading/reviewing/adding this story to their alerts - you make my day and feed my muse :)**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 28<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**17.42**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"Liv, you awake?" Elliot rapped on the door to the crib lightly, hating to wake his partner so soon after she went to lie down but the developments in the case unfortunately waited for no one.

"Mmmm yeah," came the groggy response, "just give me a minute, I'll be down." Olivia struggled to pull herself upright, the headache which had been a dull roar having developed into a raging storm during her brief nap. She checked her watch, seeing that she had been down less than an hour and groaned. Whatever had happened, it couldn't be good news. She ran her hands across her face attempting to wipe the last vestiges of sleep from her. Moving a hand through her hair, she figured the guys would care less about her bed hair and made her way out of the crib and down into the bullpen. Stifling a yawn unsuccessfully, Liv asked, "what've we got?"

"A body." The atmosphere was subdued, a tension bubbling barely beneath the surface.

"Please tell me it's not Eddie." Liv's heart dropped.

"Wish we could. We don't know it's him for certain yet but description matches." Elliot explained tersely.

"Benson, Stabler I want you at the scene, see what Warner can tell us. Munch, Fin go see if Computer Crimes have anything off the Pathitis hard drive, impress upon them the urgency. I'll contact ADA Brunswick, bring her up to speed. All of you, call it in as soon as you have _any_ information."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 28<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**18.12**_

_**Central Park**_

"What can you tell us, Doc?" Elliot announced his presence as the two detectives approached the medical examiner.

"Caucasian male, approximately 10 years old. Preliminary examination revealed multiple contusions and puncture wounds." Olivia had moved towards the covered body as Melinda Warner delivered her findings. "Trust me detective, that is a sight you want to spare yourself."

"I need to know if it's Edward O'Keefe." Olivia stated, continuing in her intent to raise the tarpaulin obscuring the young boy from view.

"A visual ID will not be possible, Olivia. His face is beaten beyond recognition. Whoever did this was venting a whole lot of rage." Melinda positioned herself between the brunette and the victim, determined to prevent the sensitive woman from seeing the same tortured body she herself would be having nightmares about for many nights to come. For a moment, Liv looked as though she wanted to press the point but a hand on her arm from her partner made her step back.

"So how long 'til we can get a positive ID?" Elliot asked knowing Liv would not rest until they knew for sure and probably not until the person or persons responsible were locked up.

"Dental records are useless, there's not enough to match them to. I'd say our best bet is DNA if Mr and Mrs O'Keefe are willing to give us a sample from each of them. I'll put a rush on the results, we should be able to have them back within around seven hours. Beyond that, ask the parents about identifying marks, any birthmarks or scars that might help us to speed up the process." Melinda crouched down to finish collecting together her kit, signalling for the techs to begin the process of removing the body. She noticed Olivia's eyes keep drifting back towards the tiny corpse, a distinct sadness lurking within their chocolate depths. "I'll let you know the results of the autopsy as soon as I have them."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday February 5<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**14.03**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

Olivia stood by the window looking out over the streets below without actually registering any of the hustle and bustle before her. A quiet knock on the door saw her look around expectantly.

"Hi sweetheart," Gina's head appeared around the doorjamb, swiftly followed by the rest of her when she saw the tall brunette was awake and out of bed.

"Hi Gina, how are you doing today?" Liv had got used to the daily visits from Sam's mom. Fausto had joined her only once since their initial visit, Gina admitting that he needed some time to come to terms with his grief in his own way.

"Oh I'm keeping on putting one foot in front of the other, it's about all I can manage just now. How about you honey, how are you feeling?" Gina approached her late daughter's lover.

"They say I can go home today." There was no joy in the words, no relief at the prospect of being released into the world.

"Well that's good news isn't it?" The plump mother took Olivia's closest hand between both of her own, leading her back to the hospital bed and sitting them both down on its edge.

"I guess," Liv replied unconvincingly.

"What is it, sweetheart?" Gina probed gently.

"I'm scared." The brunette's voice was barely above a whisper, tears clouding her soulful eyes.

"What of, honey? Has someone threatened you?" Olivia shook her head, her tears spilling across her cheeks.

"No, nothing like that. I just… in here, I've had nothing to do but think; of what Sam and I had, of how much I miss her, of all the good times we shared and all the things I wish I could do with her. I thought that getting out, getting back to my life, having distractions… I thought that that would be preferable. But now I'm faced with actually getting out, I'm not sure it is preferable. It will just lead to more reminders that she's not there to share everything with me anymore."

"Oh Olivia…" Gina enveloped the younger woman in a bear hug, sharing her pain at the loss of the woman they had both loved dearly Olivia sank into the embrace as far as her injuries would allow. "There will be many things that trip us up on the road ahead and bring home the pain of our loss, but none of us can hide away from life. Once you're out of here and further down the path to healing physically, you will find ways to manage the grief. And there will be people around to help you, people you can talk to about Samia and how you're feeling, people who can distract you and keep you looking to the future rather than living in the past. And any time you feel the need to immerse yourself in all that Samia was, when you want to touch base and feel close to her, you just call me and you can come home to us any time you want to. You'll always be family." Gina cradled the detective as she wept quietly, her own eyes watery.

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt. I'll come back in a while." Alex made to retreat back out of the room as soon as she entered, seeing the familial union in progress.

"No, no, please stay." Gina motioned for the slim blonde woman to come fully into the room. "I don't believe we've been introduced. I'm Gina Camanetti, Samia's mother." Alex grasped the extended hand, clasping it firmly between both of her own.

"Mrs Camanetti, I'm Alexandra Cabot, I work with Olivia. I am so sorry for your loss." Gina nodded, one arm still wrapped around Olivia who was looking at Alex through still teary eyes. Alex caught her gaze and offered a sympathetic half smile, eyes filling with concern. "Hey you."

"Hey Alex," Olivia replied. Gina watched the exchange with interest, seeing the comfortable familiarity between the two women. She wondered if there had ever been more than friendship between them because there was no denying their chemistry. Sam had spoken to Gina at length about Alex, at first worried when the blonde had returned to Olivia's life and then in awe of the attorney's selflessness and support for the relationship between Sam and the detective. Seeing Alex in the flesh for the first time, Gina could understand why her daughter had considered the blonde to be a fierce ally – the room was filled with the sense of her presence even as she simply stood silently in front of the hospital bed.

"So I hear they're cutting you loose today." Olivia nodded. "Apprehensive?" Another nod. Gina rose from the bed, retracting her arm from across the broad, tense shoulders.

"I was just telling Olivia we'll all help her get through this." She turned and stood beside Alex, gazing down at the detective who was studiously examining the sweatpants she was dressed in, her bare feet hanging a few centimetres above the ground.

"We certainly will. I have some news for you, for both of you actually." Mother and lover's heads both turned in Alex's direction. "I spoke to Detective Sykes today, they've got some new leads they're looking into and he's cautiously optimistic that they are getting a whole lot closer to unravelling what happened. Forensics have come back so that's opened a few doors. It's not much in the way of news I'm afraid but at least it is some progress."

"And then the person responsible can rot in jail for what they did to my baby girl. It's not nearly what they deserve but if that's the best I can hope for then I hope they die never seeing another day of freedom." Gina spoke vehemently from the heart, her desire to see some sort of justice served strong and burning brightly.

"That certainly is the aim, yes." Alex shared the desire, although hers came from a less personal place.

"I'd better get back to Fausto, we have arrangements to make. Will you call me later and let me know when you're home? I'd like to still visit but I understand if you want some time to yourself to adjust to things." Gina reached for Olivia's hand and squeezed it gently.

"I'm err… I'm not… I can't…" Olivia trailed off, looking to Alex for assistance.

"We talked a little about when Olivia came out of hospital and I've suggested that she stays with me for a while until she's ready to face the apartment again." Alex explained what Olivia had struggled to voice. "With the suggestion that whoever is responsible for the bombing knows where Olivia's apartment is, that's reason in itself for her not to go back there for the time being."

"That sounds like a wise idea. Well you won't need me hanging around then, you'll have company." Gina made to leave, trying to mask her disappointment.

"Let me write my address down for you so you'll know where to come when you want to see Liv. I'll be working and she's going to be housebound for a while longer yet so I am absolutely sure she would love your company." Alex pulled a legal pad from her attaché case, leaning it against one arm as she wrote the address of her apartment as legibly as she could, knowing that even she herself had problems deciphering her hand writing at times.

"I wouldn't want to impose," Gina began only to be cut off by Liv's quiet voice.

"Gina, please, you wouldn't be imposing. You said you consider me to be family – well you're the closest thing I've ever had to a real family, all of you. My mom did her best in the circumstances but I have loved being accepted into your lives and I want to be a part of that for as long as you want me to be. So please, as long as Alex doesn't mind me having visitors, know that you are more than welcome whenever you would like to come over." Olivia stood, pulling the older woman to her in a warm hug.

"Liv, for as long as you're staying with me, I want you to treat it as your home too. You don't need my permission to have anyone over, especially not family." Alex informed the pair still embracing before her.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 4<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**15.35**_

_**Mount Olivet Cemetery, Flushing, New York**_

Olivia stood beneath the umbrella held by her partner. They had positioned themselves a little way apart from the grieving gathering as they watched the small coffin being lowered into the ground, not wishing to intrude but feeling the need to be there. Liv had chosen a plain, understated black dress with high neckline and modest skirt length topped by her thigh length leather jacket. Elliot looked formally smart in a dark mourning suit, shoes shined to perfection – or at least they had been before the heavens had opened and begun to empty their contents onto the New York streets. Both were officially off duty but had made a pact between themselves that they would attend the service for a little boy they both felt they had failed.

"You've got some nerve showing your faces here, you especially." Kieran O'Keefe stormed up to the two detectives, invading Olivia's personal space and spitting his words into her face. She felt Elliot tense beside her, about to step in between his partner and the grieving uncle but put her hand on his arm to stop him.

"Mr O'Keefe, we know the system let Eddie down…"

"No, you don't get to say his name. You don't get to offer your false platitudes while my brother buries his beautiful little boy. If I had my way, you would both have your badges taken off you. There should be some way to protect others from your negligence." The tirade was aimed equally at both officers of the law but then the tall, angry man focused in on Olivia. "And you… you gave that boy false hope. You made him believe he was safe, that that sick monster couldn't hurt him if he talked to you, if he did what you asked him to do. Where were you when he was wetting the bed at night? Where were you when he jumped at his own shadow? Where were you when he was being brutalised and beaten? You're every bit as bad as the ones who physically put him in the ground because if you had left him alone, if you had accepted he couldn't talk about it and looked for someone else to make your case, my nephew would still have a future to look forward to. Take a good look at this family Detective Benson, look around at what you have done because I want that vision to stay with you every time you close your eyes and I want it to haunt you like this day will haunt us for the rest of your life. Maybe someday you too will know what this feels like." Before Elliot could intercede, Kieran spat in Olivia's face, turned on his heel and marched off. Liv's partner was torn between going after him and staying with the woman struggling to remain stoic beside him.

"You know that's a pile of bull, right?" Elliot muttered as Olivia used a tissue to clear her face.

"Doesn't mean I won't still see this when I close my eyes," came the bitter response. Another familiar face approached the pair. Elliot braced for another confrontation but the woman offered a sympathetic smile.

"Detectives, please tell me that this time he is going away for a very, very long time."

"Both Jason and Milo Pathitis were denied bail. They are both going to be charged with murder and abduction of a minor. Milo Pathitis also faces his original charges. Short of a jury failing to convict them, neither will be seeing the outside world at least until they are old and grey." Elliot informed the young teacher, who had selected an outfit strikingly similar to Olivia's but had chosen to cover it with a long black raincoat.

"That's good. At least this time they made the right decision and kept him locked up." Samia looked from one officer to the other, her eyes lingering on Olivia; on the dark circles framing her eyes, the crease furrowing the otherwise flawless brow, the hunched shoulders taut with tension. Even though she barely knew the woman, it was apparent that the female detective was harbouring notions of responsibility for Eddie's demise. "When will the trial begin?"

"Monday." It was Olivia who responded first.

"Not long then to wait to see them behind bars." Samia had an almost overwhelming urge to reach out physically for the tall brunette, she looked so defeated.

"If you'll excuse me, I need to go. I've got an appointment with my son's student counsellor." Elliot handed the umbrella to Olivia, squeezing her shoulder in a gesture of support before he left in the direction of his car. Liv had insisted on driving herself to the cemetery saying that she had somewhere else she needed to go afterwards and didn't want to put Elliot out.

"I should be going too I guess." Sam turned in the direction of the exit onto the street where she hoped she would be able to hail a cab.

"Did you… um how did you get here? Can I… do you need a lift home or back to the school or somewhere?" Olivia asked, not due some sense of obligation but because suddenly, she just didn't think being on her own was a good idea.

"Are you sure you wouldn't mind? I'd really appreciate it, I'm not sure how long I'd be waiting for a cab around here." Samia felt her stomach do a quick somersault at the prospect of extending her time with the enigmatic brunette.

"It's not a problem." The two women walked in comfortable silence towards Olivia's car. As they reached the Mustang, Olivia looked at her passenger across the roof. "I may be completely out of order here but would you… would you join me for a drink? There are a few quiet places I know of."

"I'd like that, but would it be ok if we call at my place first so I can get changed?" Olivia nodded with a small shy smile, grateful to the young woman for sparing her from an evening of staring into the bottom of a liquor glass alone. Sliding into the driver's seat and buckling up, she fired the engine and waited for her companion to give her directions.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 4<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**16.29**_

_**Samia Camanetti's apartment, Third Avenue, Midtown**_

"Take a seat, Olivia. Can I get you a drink?" Sam looked around her apartment, a little ashamed that she had asked the detective up, assuming she would live somewhere far grander than she herself could afford on a teacher's modest salary.

Olivia glanced around the room. Similar in size to her own apartment, it felt homely and lived in, unlike her place which she rarely saw the inside of for more than a few hours at a time. "I'm good thanks." Sinking gratefully into the plush couch, her eye was caught by a stunning black and white photograph of her hostess laughing into the camera on a beach somewhere, hair windswept from the ocean breeze. She was still gazing at the picture from her seat on the sofa when the subject returned to the lounge a short while later.

"So where did you have in mind? I mean, if it's not too forward of me to suggest, we could call for takeout, open a bottle of wine or something stronger if you prefer and stay here? I know it's not very classy or anything…" Sam ran out of words, her tongue becoming tied as she watched Olivia rise and approach her. The soft pink polo shirt and form fitting blue jeans she had changed into suddenly seemed restrictive.

"Hey, don't do that, I like it here but… how about we even the field a little and head over to mine so I can get changed too? I feel a little over dressed. It's not far from here, we could swing by some place on the way, pick up supplies. I'm no gourmet chef but I can rustle up something edible." Olivia stood before the teacher, feeling her sadness and guilt ebbing slowly away. "I love this photo of you, it's amazing." Her voice was reverent as she directed Sam's attention to the portrait.

"It was taken at Venice Beach on vacation. My last partner was a photographer." Olivia noticed the statement was gender neutral, a fact she could not determine whether it was deliberate or not. Surely, the young woman would not have asked to call her socially if she was not open to exploring some kind of relationship with her.

Taking a chance, buoyed by their night at the club during their initial meeting, Olivia stated, "she's very talented." The gentle smile she received in response suggested she had not been imagining the chemistry between them.

"She is. She's also constantly jetting off around the globe in search of her next muse, her next project. She never was one for settling in one place and since my work ties me to here that made our relationship a non-starter really," Sam explained, grabbing a jacket from the closet behind the front door.

"Yeah, long distance relationships are difficult to maintain." Olivia thought of how she had longed for the chance to maintain some kind of relationship, their friendship, something tangible, after Alex had been forced into witness protection. For the longest time, her heart had ruled her head and despite there having been nothing beyond friendship prior to their enforced separation, that did not prevent Liv from mourning the loss of someone she had been growing steadily closer to.

"Combined with commitment issues and an insatiable sexuality, it was just downright impossible. I knew as soon as she crossed the threshold of her apartment she was looking for her next conquest." Sam followed Liv out of the door, checking that the apartment was secured before heading towards the stair well beside the brunette.

"Ouch!" Liv winced as she thought of how that must have been to deal with, never trusting the person sharing your bed to be faithful to you. "How long ago did you say enough was enough? Sorry, tell me to mind my own business, I'm a cop, asking questions is second nature to me."

"No really it's fine. I grew a set just over a year ago and told her to commit or lose my number. Since I didn't hear from her again, I'm guessing she took the latter option." Sam imparted the information dispassionately, her hurt and anger having long since sailed. She trotted the familiar route down the stairs, slowing slightly as she realised the detective was still in heels as opposed to her own sneakers.

"Sounds like that is one relationship you're better off out of." Olivia smiled briefly at her companion wondering what residual damage had been done to the young woman as a result of her partner's commitment issues.

"I certainly am. Took me a long while to realise that but I'm glad I forced the issue and walked away." The pair climbed back into Olivia's car where they had managed to park it on the street a short way away from Sam's apartment building.

"So, what kind of food would you like? There's a few places close to my place we can get fresh ingredients for pretty much anything you might want to eat. My culinary skills are not outstanding but I know enough dishes to get by." Truth be told, Olivia had butterflies about cooking for the younger woman in her apartment. She wracked her brains trying to think of the state she had left her home in, fairly satisfied it was not a complete shambles.

"How's your Italian cuisine, Detective?" Sam twisted in the seat to watch Olivia as she prepared to drive, a teasing smile pulling at one corner of her mouth.

"I'm betting that with a surname like yours, a pale imitation of what you can conjure up," Olivia replied earning her a deep, rolling, belly laugh from her passenger.

"Touché Olivia. How about, we pick up ingredients and I'll cook for you while you get changed? Something tells me you could use some R 'n' R time." With one eyebrow raised, Olivia threw a question at the smug looking blonde.

"Oh really? What something would that be?" Without thinking, Sam reached across the distance between them, smoothing a thumb across the worry lines still creasing the older woman's brow.

"These." Moving her thumb to beneath Liv's right eye, she stroked the dark smudge she found there too, "and these." The air in the car became charged with an underlying tension. Clearing her throat softly, Liv tore her attention away from the hypnotic blue-green eyes of the attractive young woman she was about to invite into her apartment and pulled out into the early evening traffic.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 4<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**18.15**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

"You go get changed while I make myself acquainted with your kitchen." Olivia smiled, shaking her head slightly as she gave a tiny laugh. Sam was like a whirlwind and whilst she probably could resist, Olivia found that she didn't actually want to. It felt good to have someone else taking charge and putting her needs first for a change. There was just something about Samia that made Olivia want to be near her. The case had taken its toll; Olivia hadn't slept comfortably since Eddie O'Keefe had gone missing, always waking up in a cold sweat, images of twisted and tortured young bodies invading her dreams. She was hoping that an evening socialising with someone caring would help to lay some demons to rest at least for a few hours so that she could get some uninterrupted sleep. Slipping out of the black dress, Liv opened drawers selecting a plain white tank and a deep maroon v-neck sweatshirt. Crossing to her closet, she withdrew a freshly laundered pair of indigo denim jeans and slipped them up her toned legs, buttoning up the fly before pulling the tank and sweater over her head. Smoothing the soft material down over her torso and ran a shaky hand through her shaggy, chestnut hair. It had been a while since she'd done this and certainly never at her own apartment on a first date – if she could even consider it to be that! She didn't even dare touch the corner of her conscience that was screaming obscenities at her for making a move on the woman at a funeral – those issues she could certainly hold off dealing with for another day. Taking one last look in the mirror, Liv psyched herself up and wandered back through to her lounge, pausing long enough to flip the stereo on and select her favourite album of the moment, Sarah McLachlan's 'Surfacing'. Continuing on her way, the detective followed the tantalising scent which had begun to drift from the kitchen area.

"Wow, you're a quick worker," Liv quipped as she entered the kitchen to see numerous pans bubbling, steaming and generally adding to the mouth watering perfume.

"Only when it suits me!" Sam's smartass retort was accompanied by a cheeky wink as the teacher reached across to stir a pan containing a rich, sumptuous looking tomato based sauce.

"This looks amazing, how did you do this? I was only gone a few minutes." Liv peered into the various pans, seeing penne pasta simmering gently in another pan and a variety of vegetables ready to be chargrilled on the griddle pan.

"Like you say, I'm a fast worker. Nah, my parents own a restaurant – Fausto's over on East 4th Street in Greenwich Village. I grew up helping out in the kitchen both at home and in the restaurant so I know my way around. When you're dealing with hungry hordes day in day out, you get used to working to a pretty tight deadline." Olivia scooted past the woman cooking up a storm and reached for glasses.

"Wine or liquor?" Her hand hovered over the wine glasses, pausing in case the younger woman wanted something stronger.

"Red wine would be great if you have any." A strong hand grasped the stems of two wine glasses, plucking them off the shelf and deftly placing them side by side on the countertop. Turning around, Liv pulled a bottle of vintage red wine Alex had once given her from her wine rack and searched through a drawer for the corkscrew. Sam spied the expensive looking label on the bottle and gently grabbed the older woman's wrist, tilting the bottle until she could see it more clearly. "Woah, we can't go drinking that! That is a wine that needs a special occasion, a very special occasion like toasting your first born child." Sam prised the bottle out of Olivia's warm hands carefully replacing it in the slot the hostess had selected it from. She pulled a few other bottles forward, checking their labels before settling on a suitable replacement. Olivia had frozen at the teacher's words, the events from earlier in the day suddenly crowding in on her at the mention of a child. She turned to face the countertop, leaning heavily on it as her stomach rolled and tears pricked her eyes. Sam turned back producing the new wine bottle with a flourish, eyes widening at the sight of the brunette struggling to contain her distress. Abandoning the drink and swiftly turning the heat out under all the pans, Samia approached the woman cautiously, not knowing how she would react to someone seeing her so close to falling apart. "It wasn't your fault, Olivia. You couldn't have done any more than you did to keep Eddie and all Pathitis' other victims safe from him. You didn't fail to keep him in jail after his arrest, you didn't snatch Eddie and take him to his abuser and you sure as anything did not beat him to death."

"The kids are always the hardest cases. And I can't shake the feeling that there was something more I could have done, something I could have found that would have convinced that judge to keep him on remand," Olivia admitted, wrapping her arms around herself as sudden chill ran through her body. Sam acted on instinct and pulled the taller woman's body into her own. At first the embrace was a little tense but gradually the two bodies melded together, each seeking the comfort of another to combat the day's stress. Samia soothed her hand down Olivia's back, over and over, feeling the muscles slowly loosening in conjunction with the motion. She felt a cheek resting against the top of her head, arms tentatively snaking their way around her own body and pulling her in closer. She gladly stepped into the embrace, laying her head gently against Olivia's upper chest, angling her face into the crook of her neck. They remained that way for a few minutes before Olivia straightened up a little, blushing at her show of weakness. "We should eat, I'd hate your hard work to go to waste." Her voice was quiet, their closeness lending an intimacy to it that Sam admitted to herself she could get used to. She pulled away and flicked the heat back on under the pans containing the meal she had been preparing but not before squeezing the brunette's hand supportively to convey her understanding. Olivia uncorked the wine, silently pouring two generous glasses and carrying them through to the dining table. As Sam put the finishing touches to the food, Liv made herself busy laying the table.

The two women shared comfortable small talk over their meal; Olivia complimenting the cooking, Sam admiring Liv's taste in décor, anecdotal relationship history emanating from both women. The sadness that had surrounded the detective at the cemetery earlier had returned to some degree following the incident with the wine. Sam hoped that by the end of the evening, she could once again dispel it so that the brunette might find sleep easier that night.

"If you can stand a little more of my company, why don't we move this to the couch?" Olivia rose from the table, clearing their plates and taking them into the kitchen, bringing back the half empty bottle of wine and topping off both of their glasses before placing the bottle on the coffee table and sinking into the sofa beside her guest. "Want to watch a movie?"

"Sure, whatever you feel like watching," Sam replied, sensing that the brunette had had enough of talking. Liv rose briefly, flicking through a few DVD cases before settling on a comedy, needing something to lighten her mood. She turned on a couple of table lamps and flipped off the overhead lights before returning to the couch and hitting play on the remote. A few minutes into the movie, Liv felt Sam reach for her hand. The unexpected tender gesture caused a tiny smile to tug at the far corner of the brunette's mouth. The petite teacher further surprised her by proceeding to administer a gentle hand massage. Her concentration was split between the movie and the methodical manipulation of the tiny muscles in her hand under the skilled fingers of her companion.

Samia alternated between applying pressure and then soothing her own fingers over Liv's digits, the fine architecture of her palm and up into her wrist. When she felt that she had sufficiently attended to the hand nearest to her, she placed her hand palm up on Olivia's toned thigh and beckoned for her to offer up her right hand for the same attention. In order to access the hand furthest away from her, Sam found it necessary to lean in closer. At the same time Olivia shifted too in order to bring her right hand across her body comfortably. Their bodies rested against one another, Olivia's left hand effectively trapped between their thighs. Olivia watched Sam, whose attention was solely focused on her task. An overwhelming affection washed over the brunette as she studied the woman who was so diligently attempting to relax her taut muscles. Leaning a little closer, Olivia rested her lips against the top of the bowed blonde head, murmuring a whispered 'thank you' into her hair.


	9. Chapter 9

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**Some amazing reviews from you lovely readers, thank you, they do make me smile! You know what they say about good things come to those who wait? Well, patience grasshoppers and who knows what might happen in future chapters ;o) But I will caution that I am trying to make the story somewhere near believable, which means I don't see Liv falling into a relationship with anyone else until she has dealt with her grief over Sam. There will be plenty of Liv/Alex interaction and even I don't know yet what the future holds for them but it will be a while off before Liv is in any kind of state to be offering her heart to anyone else. Sorry if that makes you less inclined to read. And for those of you enjoying Sam being a big part of the story, don't worry, there's plenty more of Liv/Sam moments to come yet. Hope you're all keeping up with the time changes and it's not confusing you too much flitting back and forth!**_

_**As always, I do love reading all your thoughts so any time you want to drop me a review or a PM, I'd be delighted to hear from you. And thank you for continuing to read/review/add this to your alerts.**_

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><p><em><strong>Thursday February 5<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**14.03**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"Where do you want to be; couch or bed?" Alex hovered inside the entrance lobby of her apartment, shedding her jacket and hanging it in the closet.

"Is it ok if I take the couch for a while? I've had enough of being in bed for the time being." Olivia stood awkwardly, feeling out of place in the luxurious two bedroom apartment that reeked of old money. All the fittings and fixtures were of the highest calibre, the furnishings tasteful in a way that only large amounts of money could buy. She followed Alex's lead, turning left at the end of the entrance hallway into a large open plan lounge, passing by the modest sized kitchen that looked too pristine to be used that frequently. "This place is nice," Olivia murmured to her host, realising that despite having managed to salvage their friendship, all their social interactions since Alex's return had taken place at her own apartment or in bars, restaurants, cafés and bistros. It was the first time she had set foot into Alex's new home.

"Thanks, it's somewhere to lay my head at night." Alex lead Olivia through the space to a welcoming looking leather couch which looked strikingly similar to the one which had inhabited the ADA's old office in her previous stint with the special victims' unit. The blonde noticed the brown eyes fixed on the couch, "I had a lot of good memories attached to that old leather couch in my office. When I saw this one while shopping to furnish this place, I had to have it. Nothing else here made me feel like I was really home. This was the only thing I could summon up any kind of connection with." The pair sank into the leather cushions, Olivia more gingerly than her friend.

"That must have been hard for you." The two women had talked some about when Alex got out of the program. Olivia had tried her hardest not to sound accusatory whilst still trying to make it clear to Alex that it had hurt to read about the attorney's return in the newspaper following the announcement of her engagement. Alex in return had tried to be honest about her fears, the dark, painful memories that had held her back and made her scared to try to bridge the distance between her lives, old and new.

"It was but it's in the past now." Alex refused to open up old wounds especially at a time when there were so many fresh ones to concentrate on healing. "Feel like joining me in a cup of hot chocolate?"

"I don't think we'd both fit!" Alex barked out a spontaneous laugh at Olivia witty response.

"Smartass! Just for that, you don't get an extra marshmallow." Upon seeing the brunette's tiny pout, the attorney lightly slapped Olivia's knee as she used it as leverage to get up from the couch. She scooted around the island and flipped the electric kettle on, reaching for a couple of large mugs and spooning a generous amount of chocolate drinking powder into each. She busied herself fetching milk and chugging it into cups until they were each half full, grabbing the remains of a bag of mini marshmallows and setting them aside to be added to the top once the water had boiled and the milk had been heated in the microwave. Finally, the drinks were ready and Alex had added as many of the fluffy sweet treats as she could fit into the mugs. Carefully, she carried them both back around the island, placing them on coasters on the glass topped coffee table set just a short distance from the sofa where the detective still sat gazing out of the floor to ceiling windows at the New York City skyline beyond.

"Thanks," Liv murmured as she noticed the drink and Alex's return.

"Do the guys know you're staying here?" Alex hadn't had much of a chance to chat socially with any of the other SVU detectives in the previous few days. Elliot seemed to have been doing his damnedest to stay out of her way if she was honest whereas Munch and Fin were always keen to hear brief updates on how their colleague and friend was doing but always seemed to be dashing off to the lab or a crime scene or the ME's office.

"The Captain, Munch and Fin – I know they all know, they've all visited the hospital a few times. I suppose they've told Elliot." Olivia's voice was distant, an edge to her tone that suggested it was not a popular topic of conversation.

"Elliot's not been to see you?" Alex was genuinely surprised at that revelation. Back in her early days with the unit she had had to admit to herself she was jealous of the closeness of the two detectives. They seemed to have a connection, a chemistry, that transcended verbal boundaries, each knowing intrinsically how to best compliment the other in any investigation without the need for long, drawn-out tactical meetings.

"Things changed Alex, we… I guess we drifted apart a long while ago. Sealview made it worse, it was already happening before then but he knew _something_ had happened in there and he hated that Fin was the only one who knew anything about it. I wasn't in any kind of shape to talk to him about what did happen, about what could have happened and he took it personally. He knows that professionally I still have his back, that I would still take a bullet for him but we don't really talk all that much anymore. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say he's pretty pissed at me right now for not telling him about Sam. It's not the first time I've been in a relationship he knew nothing about and the big brother in him wants to vet my partners to make sure they're 'suitable'." Olivia was candid, knowing from experience that anything she said to Alex went no further.

"Did he know that you date women as well as men before this?" Alex received a shake of the tousled brunette head in response. "Do you think his religion might cause that to be a problem for him?" Alex was genuinely concerned about what the revelation of her relationship with Samia might mean for Olivia's future in Special Victims.

"I'd hope not but then I have these moments where I remember some of the remarks he's made over the years about various cases and I'm not entirely sure." Olivia paused, reaching forward for her mug but being brought up short by her injuries.

"Hang on, I've got it." The blonde attorney scooted forward rapidly, grabbing up the still steaming cup and handing it carefully to the older woman and receiving a quiet murmur of thanks again.

"Have you see El much since the bombing? Has he said anything to you?" Olivia needed to know, needed to understand why her partner had seemingly chosen to ignore the fact she existed, the fact she was injured and grieving.

"He's been mysteriously unavailable whenever I've been at the squad room this week. I've asked Don, John and Fin about it at various times but they all say he just needs some time to get his head around things. They do all seem certain he will come and see you though, as soon as he's worked out what he should say."

"All I want is for him, for everyone, to be honest with me, to treat me the same as they always do. I don't want pity, I don't want endless sympathy and walking on eggshells from everyone. I just want you all to treat me like normal." Olivia's eyes flared as she spoke, as if daring Alex to treat her with kid gloves and suffer the consequences.

"And you know that we will. Some of us just get to that place sooner than others. People deal with loss in so many different ways, some don't know what to say or how to say it when faced with a friend or acquaintance who has lost a person close to them. And so, rightly or wrongly, they hide away and avoid having to say anything at all. It doesn't mean that he isn't thinking of you constantly and I'd be willing to bet that he is offering up numerous prayers for you whenever he attends mass."

"Yeah but question is prayers for what? Is he praying for me to be ok or is he praying to make me unequivocally straight?" Olivia hoped that she could trust her gut that it was the former but the longer her partner stayed away the harder it became to convince herself that her attraction to women was not an issue that may come between them.

"Time will tell Liv but I'd stake a month's salary on him just wanting you to be ok… and for the sick son of a bitch who put you in this position to be found and punished." Olivia nodded, feeling a tiny spark of hope flickering at her good friend's words. She squirmed on the sofa, trying to ease the cramping pain that had begun to nag at her abdomen once again, a sign she recognised as an indicator that it was coming time for her pain meds. She would be very glad when she could manage without the strong tablets, hating the dense fog that surrounded her senses for the first couple of hours after taking them.

"Al, would you mind fetching my meds for me?" Olivia reluctantly asked the younger woman for her assistance, knowing she couldn't rise from the couch without aggravating the pain more than she needed to. The ADA brought the bottle of pills over, carefully reading the label to make sure she had the directions for use memorized before handing them to the brunette and heading into the kitchen to fetch a small glass of water.

"These are pretty strong aren't they? I had them for my shoulder for a while, knocked me on my ass." Alex perched on the edge of the coffee table watching Olivia shake a couple of the pills into her palm before the brunette threw them to the back of her throat and took a long swig of the water Alex held out to her.

"Yeah, they do me too. So I'll apologise now for what's to follow – I'm probably about to become the most antisocial houseguest you'll ever invite into your home!" Liv hid behind humour, reaching once again for the remaining hot chocolate she had in her mug and cradling it to her chest as she sank back against the leather cushion, allowing her head to fall back so she was staring up at the white-washed ceiling dotted with recessed spot lights.

"It's fine, Liv. You do what you need to do, I've got some files I can be going over, motions I can be writing etcetera. You want to stay on the couch or would you be more comfortable in bed so you can lie flat?"

"Am I in your way here?" Liv asked, not sure she had the energy to move to the bedroom even if Alex said yes.

"Not at all, I'll just be across there, at the dining table. Come on, let's get you a bit more comfortable." Alex reached for a couple of scatter cushions, positioning them as pillows against the arm rest furthest away from where her friend was currently lounging. Next the young blonde slipped Olivia's shoes off and plucked the near-empty cup out of slackening hands. "Liv, sweetie, scoot over a bit so you can swing yourself around and lay down." The detective placidly did as she was directed, eyes already beginning to droop and glaze over as the fast acting painkillers flooded her system. She tucked her legs up towards her chest as much as her injuries would allow creating a semi-foetal position, arms hugged into her own chest, fists clenched together and resting lightly against her full lips. Alex found the image adorable and heartbreaking at the same time; childlike in its innocence but yet also cutting a lonely image of someone pining for a lost love. Crouching at the end of the sofa where the brunette's head was now resting against the cushions, Alex soothed a few stray locks of fine, chestnut hair out of the woman's eyes. "You sleep it off and I'll be right here when you wake up." Alex continued to stroke a hand through the luscious locks until she was sure that Olivia was deeply asleep. She crept to the closet outside the guest bedroom, which she had set up for Olivia, and retrieved a folded up blanket, carrying it back to the lounge and draping it carefully, gently over the slumbering figure. With one last tender touch to the now covered shoulder, Alex sighed and headed to the dining room with her attaché in hand.

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><p><em><strong>Friday May 9<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**17.43**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

"Liv, babe, have you seen my car keys?" Samia pulled cushions from the well worn sofa, pushing her hand down the seams checking for the errant keys.

"Would these be what you're looking for?" Olivia strolled out from the bedroom, plucking the mislaid item from the pocket of her form-fitting black pants, one eyebrow raised and an amused smile quirking one corner of her mouth.

"Uh yeah, thanks. Where were they?" The brunette's only response was to widen her grin and hold the keys above her head out of the shorter woman's reach.

"What does it matter? You won't be needing them tonight." The statement did not dissuade Sam from practically climbing up the other woman's body to retrieve the keys, her actions causing delicious sensations as friction worked its magic on both their bodies. "Keep doing that and we're going to be extremely and unfashionably late," the detective growled, her voice low and husky, breath tickling the feather-light blonde hairs hiding Samia's ears.

"Liv, please…" Taking pity on the anxious young woman, Liv lowered her hand at the same time as lowering her lips onto the tantalisingly exposed shoulder of the blonde whom she had been dating for a little over a month. Despite seeing one another at least a couple of times a week, their courtship was progressing slowly, almost glacially so, but it suited them both and each was thoroughly enjoying exploring all facets of their relationship without the pressure of expectation of a physical manifestation occurring. Both knew that it was only a matter of time before it happened; their kisses were becoming more and more fevered each time, their caresses just a little more daring, their looks more smouldering but they were content to prove to themselves and each other that the relationship was founded on much more than pure lust.

"Have I told you how beautiful you are?" Olivia asked as she raised her head, pleasantly surprised to find a rather breathless Sam almost nose to nose with her. "You are so, so breathtakingly beautiful." Liv's words were a prayer, whispered in hushed tones which caressed the deepest recesses of Samia's soul. The slim blonde let out a tiny whimper as Olivia's full lips closed over her own. As they drew apart breathlessly, lazy grins widening on each of their faces, Olivia reached for her partner's smart black jacket, holding it out chivalrously for the younger woman to slip into. She ran her hands down the sleeves, squeezing both Sam's hands before turning and opening the closet from which she grabbed her own dark blazer and slid it on over her deep purple button down shirt. "Ready to go?" Liv asked, giddy at the prospect of spending an entire uninterrupted evening with the woman she had fallen so deeply in love with. It was rare that Olivia Benson asked for time off so when she had approached the Captain and asked for an entire weekend of personal time, his immediate reaction had been one of concern. After much assurance that she was indeed alright, that there was nothing troubling her but that an 'old friend' was visiting town and she wanted a chance to catch up with them without being hauled out to crime scene after crime scene, the downtime had been granted. Olivia planned to make good use of the few days grace from the usual madness of her life, starting that Friday evening with a trip to the theatre (Samia had mentioned once or twice how much she loved the musical 'Hairspray') and a meal at a seductive restaurant. With any luck, Liv was hoping that that night would be the night she finally worked up the courage to invite Sam to stay rather than them both getting worked into a sexual frenzy only for one or the other of them to back off at the last moment due to work commitments.

"Will you tell me now where we're going?" The young woman asked, casually slipping a hand into Olivia's open palm as they strolled to the elevator.

"You'll see when we get there. Until then, it's a surprise." Olivia punched the button to take them to street level and guided Sam to the back of the empty elevator.

"If I'm not driving, don't we need to go to the parking level to pick up your Mustang?" Sam pointed out reasonably. Liv just shook her head, the hint of a smug grin threatening to burst across her face at any given moment and a mischievous twinkle in her eyes that both thrilled and slightly scared the blonde teacher. As the elevator reached their floor, Olivia guided Sam forward, positioning herself behind the smaller woman and covering her eyes before the doors could open.

At the tiny tension that presented itself in Sam's muscles, Olivia murmured, "trust me honey," directly into her right ear. The effect was instant and two fold; the muscles relaxed into a boneless, fluid state and a shiver spiralled down the length of Sam's spine, setting off tingling sensations in areas that were as yet unexplored territory to the woman currently holding strong hands over Sam's eyes, obliterating her view. Feeling the rippling of Olivia's muscles behind her spurring her forward, she used the motion to guide her to their destination. Despite having her eyes closed, Sam noticed the difference in light tone as the hands were removed. "Open your eyes, darling," Olivia purred.

Sam gasped at the sight which greeted her; a shiny black limousine complete with impeccably tailored chauffeur waiting to usher them inside it stood waiting at the curb. Turning around to face the taller brunette, Sam had a million questions racing through her mind, her expression one of shock and disbelief.

"Happy birthday Sami." Never had Liv had someone in her life whom she had wanted to make feel so special on the anniversary of their birth. She, herself, felt like each and every day that Sam loved her was her own birthday, stunned that anyone so loving, so generous, so caring, so beautiful could consider her worthy of their affections.

"Oh Olivia, it's beautiful…" Gentle fingers stilled any objections Sam may have been thinking of raising. The detective swept her off the stoop and into the waiting vehicle, letting her get settled in the plush leather seats before handing her an ice-cold glass of champagne.

Raising her own glass in toast, Olivia smiled lovingly at the woman seated beside her. "To you, may you have an extraordinarily happy birthday."

"There's no doubt in my mind that I will. I have the best gift I could ask for; I have you." Sam's eyes sparkled, the green flecks retreating allowing the deep blue of her irises to come to the fore as they often did when she looked at Olivia. Her gaze conveyed every ounce of her love for the athletic brunette looking back at her with an equal expression of adoration. The pair shared a tender kiss, reigning themselves in before things got too heated. They settled in each other's arms against the bench seat of the limo, Olivia reaching for the strawberries and insisting on feeding one to the blonde. Brown eyes were transfixed on kiss swollen lips as they wrapped around the ripe, fleshy fruit, pupils dilating at the sensual vision it created. Sam returned the favour but opted to hold a smaller berry between her own lips, passing it to Olivia via an open-mouthed kiss. They continued in that same fashion until the fruit was gone but it had definitely served to distract the teacher from their destination until the limousine had come to a complete stop outside the Neil Simon Theatre. The sexual tension which had been humming at high voltage was replaced by a different kind of giddy excitement as the limousine door opened and the two women stepped out onto the bustling sidewalk, drawing a number of interested glances from passers-by.

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><p><em><strong>Friday May 9<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**00.03**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

"Olivia, how can I ever thank you enough? That was the most incredible evening I have ever had and certainly the most anyone has ever done for me for a birthday celebration." Samia was overwhelmed with how special Olivia had made the night, first with the limousine ride, then the theatre tickets and finally a spectacularly intimate meal at a cosy restaurant.

"Just tell me you had a good time," Olivia requested holding her girlfriend gently by the upper arms.

"I had the best night of my life. It was so much more than I could ever have dreamed of for this evening. I don't deserve you," Sam told her earnestly moving closer and kissing Liv soundly, hands roaming over the thin cotton shirt wishing she could remove the barrier to the taut skin contained beneath it.

"The night doesn't have to end yet," Olivia murmured in between kisses, feeling the passion rising between them once again. Pulling back enough to gaze into desire-clouded eyes, she whispered, "stay with me tonight."

"You don't have to work tomorrow?" The teacher wanted to know before she answered, knowing that if she did stay neither woman would be leaving the bedroom until it was absolutely vitally necessary to their survival.

"I'm off until Monday," the brunette informed her, eyes imploring her to take that last step towards cementing their relationship, physically. Each knew they were in it for the long haul, both settled and comfortable with their partnership, emotionally and practically. All it lacked was the consummation. As blue eyes met brown, they knew that was about to change. No longer would they deny themselves release; no longer would they leave one another's company breathless and on edge.

No further words were necessary as they stripped each other of their outer layers, stumbling backwards towards the bedroom not even stopping long enough to turn on any lights. They fell onto the bed in a tangle of limbs. Olivia's hands caressed the smooth pale skin she had found lurking beneath the aquamarine tunic top which lay forgotten on the floor next to Liv's own purple button-down. Sam fumbled with the button at the top of the brunette's fly, finally snapping it open and tugging the zipper down as Liv knelt over her lavishing moist attention to her neck and chest with her lips. The detective teased one breast out from it's cotton confines, bringing the rosy nipple into her hot, wet mouth and worshipping it reverently. Sam's hands slid into Olivia's pants, grasping the tight ass cheeks she found there and pulling the older woman closer to her own body.

"I need to feel you… I want your skin on me… I want _you_ on me, in me… I want _you_ Liv, all of you." Sam panted as her hips bucked of their own accord seeking something, anything, to gain purchase on to ease the delicious ache growing in her loins. Olivia needed no further invitation.

The two women lay in a haze of afterglow, their blood pressures and breathing rates slowly returning to medically acceptable levels. Sam rolled onto her side, curling into her lover and placing a gentle kiss against her shoulder.

"Olivia?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"Would you come to lunch with me tomorrow? I'd love you to meet my parents." Olivia's stomach flipped nervously at the thought of being introduced to Sam's family.

"Are you sure you don't want to spend time with them on your own? It is your birthday after all." Liv stalled, wondering if she was ready for that step.

"I want them to meet the woman who has made this my favourite birthday ever. I want them to see who has put the spring in my step and the song in my heart that they've been commenting on for weeks. I want them to meet _you_ Liv, you who do all these things for me and more." Sam's enthusiasm was infectious and Olivia felt her nerves turning to excitement at the thought of being so important to this amazing woman that she wanted her to become an integral part of her family. "But I fully understand if it's too soon and you'd rather wait a while. I'd love to share my birthday lunch with three of the most important people in my life but I don't want you to be there unless you really want to be, unless you're completely comfortable with coming."

"So long as you don't think your parents will mind me gate-crashing, I can't think of anywhere I would rather be." Olivia turned into her girlfriend, looking adoringly into the deep blue eyes to show how sincere she was.

"Are you kidding me? They've been badgering me every day for the last week to invite you!" Sam laughed at the light blush making its way up Olivia's neck. Unable to resist now that she had tasted Olivia's passion, her lips found their way to the sensitive pulse point on the older woman's smooth neck, worshipping the olive-toned skin. Liv moaned at the feel of a hot tongue against her oversensitive flesh, fearing that she would need a caffeine IV to get her through the lunch – sleep seemed surplus to requirements.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Disclaimer: see chapter 1**_

_**You guys are amazing! I love the fact that so many of you are buying into Sam's character - I know that makes it all the more evil that I've killed her off at the beginning of the story (believe me, it pains me too!) but without that, this story wouldn't be what it is. Just like, if it wasn't for all you lovely people reading/reviewing etc, I'd have less motivation to continue writing. So thank you, for your comments, your constructive feedback and your perseverance. I hope it turns out to be worth it in the end!**_

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday February 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.03**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"You should wear that colour more often, it suits you," Olivia observed from her place on the leather couch as she watched Alex put the finishing touches to her outfit; a stunning deep, rich blue evening dress, with plunging neckline and back, which almost swept the floor with its length and navy sandals with heels high enough to accentuate the creamy-skinned, well toned calves occasionally revealed by the knee-high split at the side. The outfit was complimented by a necklace of multiple diamond droplets and matching tear drop earrings. Alex's blonde hair was swept up in a twist, pinned neatly in an ornate clasp at the back of her head with just a couple of lightly curled locks framing her flawless face. "You look stunning, Alex." Olivia's admiration was earnest, her voice betraying her awe at the spectacle before her.

Alex smiled warmly over at her house guest, "thank you, it's nice to know the effort is appreciated by someone, even if the stuffed shirts I'll be spending my evening with don't notice." In truth, the attorney was not looking forward to her evening but alas it was part of being a Cabot to attend such occasions, which were less about fundraising for worthy causes and much more about being seen in the right social circles to maintain appearances and reputations. Checking her watch, she saw that her 'date' for the evening would be arriving shortly; Mike Williamson, a young, up and coming attorney currently assigned to white collar crimes. He was still a little wet behind the ears in many ways but he was eager to learn and had a true desire to serve justice. Alex admired his enthusiasm and was willing to offer him assistance should he need it. His accompanying her to the Robertson's gala was merely a business transaction to her: his company in return for a letter of recommendation from Alex to the DA of the Homicide unit which is where Mike's preference lay. That fact had been made abundantly clear to Mike prior to agreeing that they would attend the event together to avoid any awkward or embarrassing situations on the night which would muddy the waters for future dealings with one another. Mike was at great pains to assure Alex his intentions would be purely honourable and platonic, discretely showing her a photograph of his stunningly handsome boyfriend.

Olivia's voice cut into her thoughts, "anyone who doesn't notice you in that should probably be checked for a pulse." Alex blushed lightly at the comment, her heart leaping a little to hear the brunette admiring her. The doorman chose that moment to contact Alex to inform her of Mike's arrival. The blonde attorney tossed a casual wink across the apartment at Olivia as she made her way towards the door.

"Be good while I'm gone, no throwing wild parties and trashing the place. There's plenty of food in the cupboards, help yourself to whatever you like or there are takeout menus by the fridge – just make sure you let Otis on the door know to expect a delivery if you decide to order in."

"Alex, relax, I'll be fine. I'll stick a movie or some music on or something if the place gets too quiet. Go, have a good evening and I'll see you in the morning. I'll probably be in bed by the time you roll on home." A quiet knock at the door halted any further banter. A hush descended over the spacious apartment as the front door clicked shut behind Alex's departing figure. Olivia swallowed convulsively and tried not to think about the silence crowding in on her, grabbing the remote control and flicking through the various channels the cable provider offered, finally settling on a noisy action movie which she hoped would provide the perfect distraction from her solitude.

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday February 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**23.56**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Olivia pulled the blanket up around her ears fighting off a chill she knew was emanating from within her rather than from the cool night air. With all the machinery in the apartment powered down for the night, there was little to disturb the eerie peace. Feeling the walls closing in on her once again, the brunette clambered out of bed and retrieved her mp3 player and its small speakers, arranging them on her bedside cabinet. Scrolling through her list for something suitable for the hour, Liv settled on a mellow album, adjusting the volume to a gentle, soothing level and crawling back under the covers. She closed her eyes and allowed the music to wash over her, the haunting melodies and floating vocals bringing her comfort in their company. The album she had chosen also made her feel closer to Sam, the younger woman having introduced Olivia to the joys of this particular artist thanks to hearing her music on a web series Sam had been hooked on. Many an evening, Sam had played the album and serenaded Olivia, much to the older woman's delight. It may not always have been pitch perfect but it was always special. Tears formed in the rich, chocolaty eyes of the detective as she was assaulted by a new wave of grief and despair. She turned on her side, facing the tiny music player and willed herself to imagine Sam spooning into her from behind, holding her gently and singing into her ear.

Alex crept into the darkened apartment, slipping off her heels and depositing them quietly in the closet just inside the front door. Liv had left a single lamp on in the hallway to illuminate her passage through the wide open space, its rays falling well short of the corners. The effect was quite eerie, especially when coupled with the soft strains of music which seemed to be drifting ethereally on the air. With a weary sigh, Alex crept across the room towards her bedroom, hearing the music increase slightly in volume as she neared the guest bedroom currently housing the SVU detective. Despite her fatigue following an exhausting evening, Alex could not retire to her own room without first checking on the older woman. Tentatively, she pried the door open a couple of centimetres, just enough to peep through the gap and get a visual on the brunette, whom she hoped was sleeping peacefully. The sight which greeted her in the dimly lit room tore at her heart. In the light from the lamp on the bedside table, Alex saw that Olivia was indeed asleep but the tear stains marring her face and the pained expression told Alex all she needed to know about how restful her slumber was. Snippets of lyrics from the current song pierced her conscious mind as she ventured further into the room on stealthy feet. She stopped in her tracks, listening to the melody intently.

"_The light of another day fades_

_As I sit in the shell of my life_

_The photo of you slips from my hand_

_Glass shatters along with my heart_

_Tears roll down my face_

_My hands start to shake_

_As I realise that I'm all alone_

_Where are you now?_

_Are you happy?_

_Are you free from the pain?_

_From unrelenting rain?_

_Do you see me,_

_From where you are?_

_Will I meet you again someday?_

_Dare I hope our love wasn't in vain?"_

The song was mournful and seemingly fitting of Olivia's current state of mind. Alex tiptoed beside the queen-sized bed which Liv was sleeping on the very edge of. She reached for the mp3 player, halting the soft music as she mentally lambasted herself for leaving the vulnerable woman alone. The sudden silence seemed to jolt Olivia awake, for which Alex kicked herself even harder.

"Hey, I'm sorry I didn't mean to wake you."

"Alex?" Olivia rolled onto her back and scrubbed at her face, embarrassed that her friend should see how pathetic she was. She felt a lump growing in her throat and the all too familiar prickle of tears as she thought of the memories which had led to her crying herself to sleep. She pressed her balled fists against her eyes in an effort to ward off any more tears.

"Olivia, why didn't you call me? I'd have come back if I'd known you were having difficulty being on your own." Alex's gentle chiding was accompanied by her hands attempting to prise Liv's fists from the soulful brown eyes.

"Exactly. I have to get used to being on my own. I have to learn how to handle the quietness of an empty apartment, best I do it sooner than later so that when you're sick of me I won't fall apart in my own place." Olivia griped snappishly, angry at no one other than herself in that moment, hating herself for being weak.

"I won't get sick of you Liv and whilst I agree you do need to find a way to be alone without being consumed by your loss, that will only come with time. You can't force or rush grief sweetie, you know that. It will take time for the shadows to stop chasing you, for the quiet to be a place for calm reflection again so please don't beat yourself up for struggling or for crying or missing Sam. It's been barely a week, if you were already over it I'd be seriously questioning either your sanity or your feelings for her." Alex's tone was imploring, almost pleading with the brunette to think rationally and not set too high expectations of herself, knowing that it would only lead to disappointment and frustration.

"You always sound like you're talking from experience, what happened to you?" Olivia asked, wanting to deflect the conversation away from herself. She sat up in the bed, patting a spot beside her legs silently inviting Alex to take a seat.

Alex demurely lowered herself onto the edge of the bed. "Well in a way, when I had to go into the program I went through my own grieving process. In effect, I lost my family, my friends, the career I had worked so hard to build up and my whole identity, my sense of self. And it took me months to find a way to deal with being alone in the pokey little townhouse I'd been stashed in. I don't know whether it is better or worse to know the people you expect you'll never see again are alive and walking around, living the life that was torn from you. I felt like a ghost, invisible to everyone who mattered to me. I dealt with it by spending a lot of time in noisy bars, not really socialising with anyone and changing the bars I went to almost every night to avoid people questioning me or recognizing me. Despite my fears, I felt like I needed to be surrounded by people; silence was suffocating and filled with all the regrets and things I wished I'd done." Alex's response was measured but honest, her eyes fixed in a wistful gaze on the wall behind Olivia's bed.

"What changed to make the silence more bearable?" Olivia's voice was timid, quivering slightly as though she was fearful of what it would take to make her comfortable with quietness again.

"Honestly, I don't know. I was just reading a paper in the house one Sunday morning around three months after I was put into the program and I realised that the music I'd put on had been finished for some time. When I realised that the house was quiet, I waited for the waves of oppression to settle over me but they never came. I sat on my couch for, oh it must have been nearly an hour thinking about nothing and everything and it just felt a little empty, not at all like the desperate need I'd had up until then for distractions and noise." Alex watched Olivia sigh and shrink even further into herself, knowing she had hoped to discover some key to getting back to her usual self-assured persona. "I don't think there is any magic bullet, Liv honey, besides patience with yourself. And until you get there and even beyond if you choose to, you're more than welcome to stay here, no matter how long it takes, ok?" The detective looked doubtful and Alex could tell that she was about to raise some feeble objection so changed tack slightly, appealing to the protective side of Olivia's nature, "consider it this way, after so many years living alone in the program, it's nice to finally have someone to share this huge apartment with."

Relenting finally, Olivia nodded. The logic of Alex's argument was undeniable. "So long as you promise to let me know when I've outstayed my welcome, no matter how I'm handling things." Both women knew deep down that even as Alex agreed for the sakes of sealing the deal, she would not be complying with that condition. There was no way she would walk away from her friend until she was 100% convinced she was truly ready to move out.

"You should try to get back to sleep and I need to get changed out of this dress." Alex mentioned quietly, her gaze still lingering on her friend, whose own eyes were beginning to droop once more.

"Would you ummm…" Olivia faltered, her tongue uncooperative in her mouth as she tried to formulate her question. "It's ok if you don't want to or think it's weird of me to even ask but is there any chance you could just…" Again, Liv's nerve failed her at the last moment.

Taking pity on her, Alex placed a tender hand on the brunette's blanket covered thigh, "would you like me to lie with you for a while 'til you fall asleep?" Immensely grateful that the young blonde could read her so well, Olivia simply nodded her head, a tiny sad smile tugging at the corners of her full lips. "Ok, just let me go and change out of this damn thing and I'll be back." Alex squeezed the leg beneath her palm as she stood and left the room.

Olivia sank back against the pillows awaiting Alex's return. The quietness this time did not bother her as the total silence had earlier. With the faint sounds of Alex moving about her bedroom, water running and drawers opening and closing, there were enough distractions to keep Liv's mind occupied. She allowed herself to marvel at how the mere presence of the blonde attorney could help to ease the pain from the void lurking within the detective's soul. It seemed like no sooner had Alex left the room looking like a stunningly debonair wealthy bachelorette than she was back, dressed down in a pair of flannel pants and a shirt which looked a few sizes too large for her. Her face was scrubbed clean of makeup and her hair falling loosely around her face. Olivia was once again awe struck by just how naturally beautiful the young woman was. Another thought struck Olivia too; Sam had looked uncannily similar to the lithe blonde now making her way across the bedroom and climbing into bed beside the brunette detective. Liv swallowed thickly wondering if her subconscious had been trying to find a replacement for Alex when she had first noticed Sam. She knew that she had harboured an attraction to the attorney since the early days of working together but had repressed any such feelings for fear of destroying the team. And then Alex had been ripped from their lives before she could find the courage to consider acting on the desire which had continued to burn brightly, even as Olivia attempted to vacuum pack it. The similarity between the two women had never occurred to the detective, despite them all spending countless hours socialising together. Perhaps it was the lighting or seeing Alex so casually dressed and devoid of makeup, Olivia could not be sure but the spark of something it ignited within her left her troubled and confused.

Alex climbed into the bed beside her troubled friend and settled herself against the headboard, pulling the brunette into her arms and guiding her head to rest against her shoulder. "So how many nights have you cried yourself to sleep?"

She felt Olivia shrug against her shoulder. "I don't know, most nights I guess."

"I'm always just down the hall, Liv, all you ever need do is ask and I'll be here for you." Alex softly stroked a hand through Olivia's silky hair before gently pulling the thumb nail, which the brunette was currently worrying at with her teeth, away from the sensuous lips.

"I don't want you to lose sleep because of me Al, you've already been so good to me." Olivia moved her hand to squeeze the fingers which had rescued her thumb.

"That's what friends do, honey, they look after one another and make sure they are there when they're needed the most." Alex paused before asking her next question but she needed to know how Olivia was truly coping not just with the loss of her lover but with having witnessed it firsthand. "Do you see it happening over again when you close your eyes? Or is it the lack of a warm body beside you that prevents you from sleeping?"

"Both," Olivia admitted quietly, her voice cracking with emotion.

"Well, I can hold you any night you want me to until you fall asleep, if you think that will help at all." The blonde knew that she would find it difficult to be in bed with the attractive detective and not be with her the way she had hoped to for so many years but valued their friendship too much to not be willing to make her own sacrifices for the sake of Olivia's recovery. "And there's something else I might be able to arrange for the other. I have a friend who is a war veteran, he served several tours of Iraq and Afghanistan but was retired on medical grounds. He's a trauma counsellor now, mostly he works with other ex-servicemen and women but he does do civilian work too. If I call him and arrange for you to speak to him, would you be willing to see him?"

"I already see someone for PTSD Alex, I'm sure they can help me." Olivia was unsure of the benefit of opening herself up to another stranger. It had been hard enough after Sealview but to speak to an ex-military man, who in all likelihood would not consider her relationship with Sam to be anything other than abhorrent, seemed as though it would do more harm than good.

"I realise that but Michael has firsthand experience of losing someone in a manner very similar to how you lost Sam. His partner of seven years was on a tour of Iraq, she was tasked with disarming IED's to make routes through the regions safer. Michael's platoon was waiting for her to disarm a device when insurgents opened fire on them. A rocket grenade landed not far from where Elise had been disarming the bomb, she was attempting to find cover. The grenade exploded but that wasn't what killed her. It jostled the IED she was disarming which triggered that to detonate. Michael held her as she bled out from her wounds." The silence was thick between the two women, each lost to their own thoughts.

"You really think he'll be able to help me?" Olivia asked tentatively, realising that the experience Michael had had would result in a greater understanding of how she herself was currently feeling; the helplessness, the rage, the guilt and despair.

"I do. It's what he specialises in mostly. And you needn't worry about him being from a military background, Michael is open to all kinds of relationships and believes in equality for everyone." Alex had successfully addressed one of Olivia's unspoken fears, a testament to their close bond.

"Ok, I'll meet with him. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get through this. I promised Sam I wouldn't let it destroy me as well and that is a promise I intend to keep." Shuffling down the bed, Olivia turned back onto her side, facing away from Alex, and reached for the lamp plunging them both into darkness. Despite her earlier misgivings, Olivia reached back in the dark and guided Alex to spoon her, needing the comfort of a warm body pressed against her if she hoped to find any sleep that night. She was dreading the day that was to follow but knew that she would need all her strength to get through it and for that, she must attempt to find sleep.

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><p><em><strong>Thursday February 12<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**08.16**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex knelt beside the brunette as she heaved the contents of her stomach into the toilet basin. She held the silky brown hair out of Olivia's face with one hand, the other rubbing in a gentle circling motion in the small of her back. Tears streamed down the weary face of the detective as another wave of nausea hit her. She had known the day would be tough to get through but the level of anxiety she was currently in the grip of was like nothing she had known.

"I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't say goodbye to her, I can't let her go. I can't… I can't… Please Alex, I can't…" Olivia's breathing was shallow and quick, barely drawing any oxygen into her body. Her head felt light, the world receding in a haze of white and her entire body rigid yet quaking.

"Olivia? Liv, look at me? Come on, focus on me sweetie." Watery chocolate eyes rose until they found concerned blue orbs. "You can do this, you're strong and you're going to get through today. It's going to be hard as hell, you're going to feel like the ground is coming out from under your feet but I'm going to be right there to remind you that it's not." Olivia still looked dubious, her already ashen face losing the little colour it had remaining, lips beginning to take on a worryingly blue tint. "Liv, honey, you're hyperventilating. Slow down, focus on your breathing for a minute." Alex held Olivia at arm's length, eyes locked into the distraught woman's own as she instructed her to breathe in, hold and then release slowly. Gradually, the panic attack receded and the brunette was able to breathe normally once more. Alex rose and reached for a washcloth, damping it under the cold water tap before crouching back beside her friend. She held the cloth out to see if Liv would prefer to clean herself up but the brunette just looked at it as though she had no idea where to start with it. Putting it on the side of the bath, the attorney encouraged Liv to sit herself on the toilet so that Alex herself could tend to her. The brunette followed the directions numbly, feeling detached from everything around her, as though nothing could puncture the crushing despair enveloping her. She knew she had scant little time remaining before she would have to pull herself together and hold her grief inside for the sake of her lover's parents, whose pain she could only imagine was many times greater than her own. Thoughts of Gina and Fausto, of how much they must be suffering as they prepared to bid farewell to their daughter, not even able to bury her due to the nature of her demise, led to a new wave of nausea and grief to roll over Olivia.

"I think I'm gonna be sick again."

Alex helped Liv to hurriedly spin back onto the floor, resuming her stance holding the shoulder length chestnut locks out of harm's way and rubbing what she hoped were soothing patterns between the older woman's shoulder blades. After a few more minutes, Liv's body accepted there was nothing left in her to purge. The brunette rose on shaky legs, feeling as unsteady as a newborn lamb but knowing she needed to press on and get herself ready to face the ordeal. Alex hovered nearby, unconvinced her friend would remain on her feet very long, even less so as Liv leaned heavily on the countertop surrounding the sink. Alex reached around the slim woman, noticing not for the first time how much weight was dropping off her – weight that she couldn't really afford to lose in the first place. She turned on the faucets, filling the bowl with comfortably warm water.

"Want me to leave you to it for a few minutes?" Olivia nodded, not really knowing whether she did or she didn't but realising that Alex too needed some time to get changed and ready for the memorial service.

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><p><em><strong>Thursday February 12<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**11.32**_

_**Church For All Nations, West 57**__**th**__** Street**_

Olivia stepped up to the podium, the paper in her hands shaking, a solemn testament to her struggle for self control. "Mr and Mrs Camanetti have been kind enough to invite me to say a few words about Samia. I tried to think of what I could say, about how to sum up what Sam meant to me but…" Liv paused for a moment to compose herself, clearing her throat softly, eyes finding Alex's comforting blue ones, "but there are no words that can accurately convey everything that this beautiful, generous, caring and selfless woman will always mean to me. So I turned to W H Auden whose words are far more eloquent than mine can ever be." Liv took a steadying breath, feeling the now familiar prickle of tears once more threatening to blur her vision. With every ounce of self control she could muster, she falteringly recited the poem she had chosen to read.

"Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,

"prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,

"silence the piano and with muffled drum,

"bring out the coffin, let the mourners come."

She lost herself in the words, eyes focused on the photograph of Samia taken on Venice Beach, the photograph that seemed to have captured the very essence of her soul.

"She was my North, my South, my East and West.

"My working week and my Sunday rest,

"my noon, my midnight; my talk, my song;

"I thought that love would last forever." Her voice cracked and raw with emotion she fought to continue, "I was wrong." Tears coursed freely across her smooth cheeks. She tore her eyes away from the picture of her lover, looking to her printed copy of the poem but finding the words obliterated by the tears welling over in her eyes. She felt a presence beside her and looked up to find Gina standing close to her. Olivia collapsed into her embrace, burying her head in the solid shoulder of the shorter woman as she listened to her dulcet tones complete the poem.

"The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,

"Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,  
>"Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;<br>"For nothing now can ever come to any good."

Gina held Olivia tightly, both women sobbing into one another as the poem ended. Fausto and Alex rose as one, each making their way to the distraught pair. Fausto guided his wife back to her seat, supporting her and keeping a protective arm around her once she was seated. Alex similarly escorted Olivia back to her place beside Gina, arm around her waist, hand at her elbow in case the fragile woman collapsed under the weight of her grief. As Olivia sank into the rigid chair, she reached for Gina's hand clutching it tightly as though it were her only lifeline. Alex allowed her friend some space, not wanting to crowd her, but Olivia had other ideas, grasping one of the blonde's own hands with her free hand. The remainder of the service was a blur to the brunette who sat silently, unmoving, staring at the floor in front of her feet, no further tears leaking from her blank stare. The last thing Olivia was consciously aware of was the faint strains of 'Con Te Partiro (Time to Say Goodbye) reverberating around the snug hall in which all of Sam's family and friends had gathered. Alex was concerned by her friend's demeanour, it struck her as very similar to her behaviour in the crib following the explosion; the complete withdrawal and shutdown of her emotions. As the service ended, Alex placed a hand on Olivia's back to prompt her to stand up with the rest of the people gathered to pay their respects. The brunette rose, her expression still shut down and remote as though she was running solely on autopilot. Mr and Mrs Camanetti made their way to the back of the room, dutifully accepting the condolences of everyone as they left. Olivia's gait was slow and unsteady, her gaze fixed on an unmoving spot on the far wall.

"You lose more weight every day I see you, Olivia. You need to take better care of yourself." Gina scolded gently as the two women reached the grieving parents, understanding the young woman's self neglect but unwilling to watch her waste away. "Next week, you come have dinner with us, both of you, you're both too skinny." The motherly woman laid a hand on Alex's waist in similar fashion to the way she was touching Olivia's and tsked as she felt how far round her single handspan could reach. Every time Alex met the older woman, she realised more and more why Olivia had so willingly become a part of their family. Gina shared Samia's easy manner but combined it with an almost overwhelmingly nurturing soul that desired to take care of everyone around her – qualities not dissimilar to those of the detective.

"Do as your mother-in-law tells you, you should know by now it's pointless to argue!" Fausto's quip was quiet and gentle. He had begun to refer to Olivia as their daughter-in-law shortly after Sam's death. The attorney figured it to be his way of showing his acceptance of Liv as still a member of their extended family.

"Samia would be so proud of you today, sweetheart. Your reading was beautiful." Olivia showed no outward signs of hearing the conversation directed at her. She blinked occasionally but made no movement towards the comforting embrace being offered by the mother of her late lover.

"Olivia, honey?" Alex attempted to rouse the mute detective, a hand at the small of her back rubbing gently. Liv slowly turned towards Alex, looking in her direction but obviously not seeing her. "Ok, I think we better get you home." Alex's concern grew by the minute. She decided that she would be placing a call to Dr Huang as soon as she had Liv settled back at her apartment.

"Call us and let us know she's ok, please?" Gina grasped Alex's hand tightly, her own features drawn and pinched. Fausto reached for his wife, offering a comforting one-armed hug as he too peered worriedly at the tall brunette.

"Of course," Alex assured them with a brisk nod. "I really am very, very sorry for your loss. Sam was an incredible young woman and I have never seen Liv happier than she was with your daughter."

Looking at and replying to Olivia, Gina spoke earnestly. "I know that Sami felt like she had won the lottery when this special young lady agreed to be part of her life. I have never seen my daughter glowing as much as she has this last year." Reaching a hand up, Gina gently cupped Olivia's cheek with a soft palm, "you gave my baby girl the happiest, brightest twelve months of her life; you made her believe in herself and in love. I know you're missing her sweetheart, we all are, but hold on to the knowledge that she knew she was truly and wholeheartedly loved right up until the very end. You gave her that." Gina leaned in and placed a tender, motherly kiss on the cheek opposite the one cradled in her palm. A single solitary tear leaked from Olivia's eye, the only outward sign the something had penetrated her stupor. Alex led Olivia from the building, nodding in the direction of the detectives who had been present at the service to see if anyone piqued their interest and warranted extra surveillance as part of their ongoing investigation into Sam's murder.


	11. Chapter 11

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**A little light relief to start this chapter after the emotional wringer of Chapter 10! Not promising it won't tug your heartstrings again by the end of the chapter though ;)**_

_**Thanks, as always, for your amazing comments/reviews etc, I really do appreciate and enjoy reading all of them. Enough from me, on with the show... **_

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><p><em><strong>Saturday May 10t<strong>__**h**__** 2008**_

_**11.47**_

_**Fausto's restaurant, East 4**__**th**__** Street**_

"Mamma? Pops?" Sam called through the hatch into the kitchen area, dodging bustling waitresses and waiters. Even at this early hour, the restaurant was doing steady business.

"Samia, baby!" An older, rather chunkier version of Sam appeared from the back of the restaurant, dressed in a classic black dress decorated with a deep red floral design. "Come here and give your mother a kiss." Olivia hung back, watching the exchange with a shy smile, enjoying the easy affection displayed by the mother and daughter. "Your father's upstairs, he'll be down any minute. Now let me look at you." Mrs Camanetti held her daughter at arm's length, inspecting her glowing skin, the joyful glint in her eye, the genuinely relaxed aura she exuded and beamed a wide grin back at the younger blonde.

"Mamma, I'd like you to meet someone." Sam reached back and tugged Olivia, who had been standing with her hands jammed into her front pockets, forward by the wrist. "Mom, this is Olivia Benson, my beautiful girlfriend."

"Mrs Camanetti, it's a pleasure to meet you," Olivia stated politely as she thrust her hand forward hoping it wouldn't tremble as her butterflies took flight in the face of the piercing stare of Samia's mother.

"Please, call me Gina, dear. Samia has told us so much about you Olivia, it is so nice to finally meet the lady who's made my girl smile this way." Gina Camanetti took the proffered hand and shook it warmly, impressed by the firm yet gentle grip. The meeting was interrupted by the arrival of a fair-haired gentleman who carried himself with military poise and exuded an air of confidence.

"Papa!" Samia exclaimed, hugging her father fiercely.

"Happy Birthday sweetheart, you look fabulous." The older man remarked, greeting his daughter warmly, his eyes raking over Olivia as if sizing her up for her worthiness for his daughter's hand.

"Thanks Dad. Olivia, this is my father, Fausto. Pops, this is Olivia Benson." Gina smiled benevolently as the tall brunette stepped forward respectfully offering her hand once again, nervousness written all over her face.

"So you're the one responsible for this?" Fausto flicked a hand at his daughter, his face an impenetrable mask.

"Uh…" Liv looked to Sam, checking to see what she was being blamed for, "yes sir, I guess so." Her voice betrayed her lack of confidence in whether she wanted to be responsible for whatever Samia's father thought she was.

"Good. It's about time I put a face to the person making my girl so damned happy." The brawny man's face cracked into a broad smile, the teasing twinkle Liv had become accustomed to in her girlfriend's eyes shone brightly in the bright blue orbs looking at her.

"Dad, that was not nice!" Sam scolded, playfully punching Fausto on the shoulder as she slid a protective arm around Liv's slender waist. "You'll scare her off!"

"Oh I somehow get the impression it would take more than that to scare off Detective Benson," Gina supplied as she watched Olivia gaze tenderly at her lover, sinking into the shorter woman's body and sliding her own arm around the teacher's waist. Olivia smiled gently, a soft blush creeping over her cheeks at the continued teasing. Despite not having had much in the way of a stable family life of her own, she had seen enough of Elliot's clan to know this kind of ribbing occurred in loving, happy families.

"It better had, I like this smile on you; it's a definite improvement," Fausto informed the three women before him, winking at Olivia and offering her a cheeky grin.

"Don't worry sir, I've no intention of going anywhere." Olivia was still hiding behind formalities and extreme politeness, knowing the meeting was going well so far but not wanting to overstep the boundaries.

"Please, Olivia, it's Fausto. Sir makes me feel like a school teacher and I leave that gladly to my daughter! Now come, let's sit, this place is cluttered enough without us adding to the jumble standing around." The quartet moved over to a table marked reserved in the quietest corner of the bustling restaurant. Almost instantly, a waitress was beside their table with a jug of iced water.

"Can I get anyone a drink?" The bubbly young raven haired woman asked, pen poised over her order pad.

"I'll have an orange juice, thanks Tina," Samia replied. "What about you, Liv, what would you like?"

"A black coffee would be great thanks," the detective supplied sinking into the seat beside her lover. Sam's parents waved the waitress away, Fausto murmuring something quietly in her ear which she responded to with a short nod and scuttled away.

"So Olivia, Samia tells us you're a police detective…" Gina's head was tilted to one side in a silent invitation for Olivia to provide further details about her career.

"I am indeed, a detective with Manhattan Special Victims' Unit." Liv was reluctant to share further information over what she hoped was going to be a relaxed lunch. Not too many people could stomach talk of what her work entailed, especially not over food.

"That must be a tough detail." Fausto had heard basic details from his daughter about what the unit dealt with and could see the young woman suiting that kind of work well; she had an air of kindness about her and an open face which invited a person to talk candidly to her.

"It has its days, that's for sure. But it's not so hard to deal with when I have your daughter to remind me life isn't all about cruelty and suffering; that there is a large part of life that is truly beautiful." Olivia's response was semi-directed at her lover with a gentle smile, knowing that she was indeed finding it easier to leave work at the door when she returned home after a shift. Gina exchanged a delighted look with her husband, the affection the detective held for their baby girl obvious to anyone who so much as glanced their way. Sam slid her hand onto Liv's knee beneath the table and squeezed it tenderly, eyes glistening at the heartfelt sentiment. Fausto broke the moment by sliding a menu across the table and instructing each of the women to choose whatever they liked, the afternoon was on the house in honour of Sam's birthday. There was a comfortable quiet as they each perused the options, picking what they would order, Sam leaning in once or twice to offer words of advice to Olivia about the choicest dishes. When Tina returned with the drinks they had ordered, each member of their party gave her their food orders and she left them to resume socialising.

"You'll never guess where Liv took me last night. Oh Mamma, it was such a special night." Olivia blushed at Sam's effusive praise of their previous evening, remembering just how special it had ended up being as they finally made love for the first, but certainly not the last, time.

"Well don't keep us in suspense Samia, tell us all about it," Gina instructed, knowing it must have been quite some night for her daughter to be so giddy about it; she was not known for her effervescence except in exceptional circumstances. Needing no further prompting, the young blonde enthusiastically filled them in on every detail she could comfortably share with her parents, beginning with the limousine ride and the champagne, onto the theatre tickets complete with a rundown of the show and finally the restaurant they had dined at where Liv had arranged for a cake to be brought out as Samia was serenaded by her lover and the entire restaurant. Fausto was satisfied, hearing about the lengths the detective had gone to that, Olivia was suitable for his daughter so long as she continued to put in effort to woo Sam after the initial lust had worn off.

Gina for her part grinned widely and simply said, "my birthday is July 22nd, just for your information, Olivia!"

"Mamma!" Samia exclaimed but was unable to suppress her grin. Turning to Olivia, she saw that her brunette lover was wearing a similarly wide smile.

"Consider it duly noted, Gina. I'll be sure to grill Samia so I know what to surprise you with." Olivia's response resulted in guffaws of laughter from all her lunch companions. Tina arrived back with their appetisers, dishing them out with impressive efficiency.

The remainder of the meal passed with comfortable chatter; Olivia hearing all about how the restaurant had begun, how Gina and Fausto had met and fell in love, a few colourful stories from Samia's childhood. The detective was content to let the conversation flow around her, relaxing into the warm ambience and soaking up the love and laughter surrounding her. For the first time in a long, long time, the brunette felt like she was exactly where she was meant to be and that nothing could improve on her current situation. It was a heady experience.

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><p><em><strong>Thursday February 12<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**12.56**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex looked over at where Olivia sat unmoving on the couch as she fiddled with the telephone in her hands wondering whether to make the call to Dr George Huang or not. Liv had been unresponsive the entire way back to the apartment but Alex worried that once she called in Huang it would have to be made official about the brunette possibly needing psychiatric help to get over her trauma and loss. The possible repercussions from that scared her if truth were known. Olivia without SVU would not be Olivia. Her intercom buzzer sounded, interrupting her mental battle. The slender blonde crossed her apartment to see who was calling on them.

"Ms Cabot, I have a Detective Elliot Stabler asking to come up," the doorman informed her.

"Could you please put him on the phone, David?" Alex requested politely.

After a brief conversation, a familiar voice sounded in Alex's ear, "Hi Alex, I thought I'd swing by and see how Liv is doing."

"And today of all days you thought would be the best day to reconnect with your partner?" Alex was angry at the man for deserting the woman she cared a great deal for.

"I know, I know, I've been an ass. Can I come up and we can talk about it? I want Liv to know I'm here for her." The brawny detective sounded genuinely contrite at his absence.

"I don't know if now's such a good time El, Liv's not doing too well." Alex chewed her bottom lip, her brow knitted in a frown.

"I was there at the service Alex, I saw her shut down. I headed out of there before she could see me, I didn't think she'd want me seeing her that way twice." Hearing that Elliot was already aware of his partner's mental state brought a flicker of relief to Alex, for which she felt immediately guilty but she carried the burden of responsibility for healing the emotional wounds like an atlas stone on her shoulders.

"Put David back on and come on up," Alex instructed the man. She repeated her permission for Elliot to enter her apartment to the doorman and heard him let the detective through the inner security door. Alex turned around to cast a worried glance back at Olivia but found the brunette was no longer on the sofa where she had been sitting since their return. "Liv sweetie, you've got a visitor." Alex called into the hauntingly quiet apartment. Receiving no response, her heart began to beat a little faster. Ordinarily, she would not consider the images that raced through her head in reference to the stoic detective but then Alex had never seen her this broken before. A soft knock at the door had her jumping. She snatched the door open, beckoning Elliot inside. "Let me go find where she's got to, we'll be right out. Make yourself at home." She hoped her tone did not betray just how afraid she was of what she might find when she did locate Olivia. She was infinitely grateful in that moment that Olivia's gun was back at the precinct. Elliot nodded and turned left at the end of the entrance hall heading into the spacious lounge and sinking into one of the inviting arm chairs, marvelling in the softness of the luxurious brown leather.

Alex walked straight across from the hallway, knocking lightly on the door to the guest bedroom which had become Liv's room for the duration of her stay. There was no response to confirm the brunette was inside the room so Alex took a deep breath and opened the door just wide enough to peer around it, scanning the empty room. Considering Alex had not heard the brunette move past her whilst she was briefly on the intercom phone, she moved next through to the kitchen, looking into the galley space but not seeing any sign of her house guest and so moved on through the exit leading to the dining area. In the shadowy room, it would have been easy to miss the detective leaning against the wall in the farthest corner staring absently out of the window.

"Hey you, Elliot's here," Alex informed the mute woman approaching her quietly. As she drew level with the brunette, the dull wintry light flooding in from the window drew attention to fresh tear tracks streaking across Olivia's cheeks. Alex felt guilty relief flood through her at the sign of grief; whilst heartbreaking it was a definite improvement on the vacant withdrawn state.

"I can't…" Liv whispered, her voice raw with the emotion she was struggling to contain.

"Ssshhh, it's ok sweetie, you don't have to do anything you're not ready to today. I'll ask him to come back another day." Liv nodded glumly, genuinely sorry to be hiding behind her friend but not having the strength of spirit to face seeing her partner for the first time since the explosion. Everything was simply too raw and painful.

"Thanks." The brunette refocused her attention out of the window, leaning her forehead against the cool pain, feeling the chill seeping into her body matching the icy grip on her soul.

Alex stepped away, grateful to hear at least a few words from the woman, hope flickering in the depths of her soul. On quiet feet, she made her way back into the lounge area to where Elliot was waiting. "I'm sorry Elliot, Liv's just not ready to talk yet," she informed him, her eyes sympathetic but steadfast.

In hushed tones, he asked, "how is she doing, Alex, really?" The muscular detective rose from the chair he had taken up residence in and angled his body back towards the front door, making it clear he would not fight against Liv's wishes.

"She's grieving; she's hurting; she's up and down with it but she's dealing with it in her own way and we have to respect that. Pushing her or expecting too much of her too soon won't help anyone." Alex implored the man to understand his partner's need for space and time.

"They're going to make her see the department shrink before they let her back to work, you know?" Elliot warned, leery that the woman would be benched indefinitely based on what he had seen that day.

"I know, it's standard procedure, and Liv knows that too. I'm going to make sure she has all the help she needs. She'll be back at work when she feels ready and able to be there. When that will be, I can't tell you." Alex paused, a heavy sigh escaping from between her pursed lips, "I just wish I knew what more I could do right now to comfort her."

"Be there for her. Just be there for her like you were in the crib. It was enough then and it will be again now, Alex. That's all any of us can do right now, the rest will come with time, patience and come from within Olivia." Alex nodded at the sage advice, knowing he was right and that nothing could ease the brunette's pain in the short term. As he reached out for the front door, Elliot remembered a card from the rest of the squad. Retrieving it from his pocket, the detective handed it to the slender blonde attorney, "could you make sure she gets this please? It's from all of us at the 1-6."

"Of course. Just give it a few days Elliot and I'm sure she'll talk to you." Alex placed a gentle hand against the strong forearm, seeing that he was struggling to handle what had happened to a woman he loved like a sister.

"I hope you're right, Alex," was all he said as he shuffled out of the door, head bowed and a sadness haunting his eyes. Closing the door softly, Alex turned back into her apartment and went in search of Olivia, carrying the envelope with her. She found the brunette where she had left her, in the corner of the dining room, still gazing out at the New York city skyline through the tracks made by fresh raindrops mirroring the tears still trickling down her face.

"He's gone," the attorney informed her friend, standing close beside her. "He left this for you from the guys at the precinct." Alex held the card out encouraging Liv to take it, to read it and see how much she was being thought of. When the brunette made no move to take it, Alex turned slightly and tossed it onto the dining table for a later time. Taking a chance, Alex positioned herself next to the tall detective, sliding an arm around her waist and leaning her head onto the broad, strong shoulder. They remained silently side by side for long minutes, each lost to their own thoughts of what had been lost and what remained.

"I'm scared, 'Lex." The words were whispered so quietly, Alex was unsure she was meant to hear them.

"What of honey?" Her own response came out barely louder, as though she were unwilling to risk breaking the spell and causing the brunette to clam up again.

"Everything." Sensing that was not all she was going to say, Alex kept her counsel and waited for Olivia to continue, "of facing life without her, of forgetting her; forgetting her voice, her laugh, her smile, her scent; of having to start over again; of finding out that I had my one shot at knowing true love, a true family, and having to deal with losing that too; of waking up in a morning and realising all over again that she's not there to see it, to share in all its triumphs and trials. There's so much I'm afraid of. What happens if I can't do it? What happens if I can't face going back to work? What if I can't be content and can't handle living every day with this pain? What happens…" Liv paused again and Alex felt as though they were getting to the crux of Olivia's truest fear, "what happens if I prove I'm just like my mom? If the only way I can handle going on is through the bottom of a bottle?"

"Liv, the very fact that you are acknowledging your mom's problem, the fact that you are scared of treading that same path, tells me you will never resort to hiding from your problems by seeking oblivion in a bottle. Is that what you want to do right now? Are you itching to raid my drinks cabinet and drown your sorrows in the strongest liquor you can find until you don't remember your own name? Until you don't remember who Sam was?" Alex questioned gently but persistently.

"No, I don't want to do anything to forget her," Olivia sobbed raggedly.

"Then you are nothing like your mom because if you were going to go down that road, you would already be halfway to being in an alcoholic coma by now," Alex assured her companion, raising the arm she had wrapped around the slender waist and rubbing gentle circles in between her shoulder blades. "As for the rest, Samia will _always_ be a part of you and you will always be able to recall her from deep in your soul. We never truly lose anyone we love and whom loves us, because for as long as we acknowledge the impact they have made on our lives, they're with us still. The only way you could forget her is to ignore she ever touched your life."

"I miss her so badly, Alex. It physically hurts." Olivia placed a hand over her heart, rubbing at a pain which no amount of medication would ease. Alex felt a lump grow in her own throat at the raw agony in Liv's tone. Turning to her side, she eased the brunette into an embrace, her free hand wrapping around to rest against the back of Olivia's neck and guiding her head down onto Alex's own slim shoulder. Her fingers buried themselves lightly in the soft, downy hair at the base of Liv's skull, gently massaging the taut muscles beneath the skin in a comforting gesture her own mother had used on her many times when she had awoken at night after terrifying dreams.

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday May 13th 2008<strong>_

_**23.09**_

_**Samia Camanetti's apartment, Third Avenue, Midtown**_

"Hiya baby, I am so sorry it's so late," Liv murmured against Sam's lips as she entered the teacher's apartment.

"It's ok, you're here now, that's what matters," Samia replied, wrapping her arms around the weary brunette and pulling her deeper into her home. "Come on and sit yourself down while I get you a glass of wine. Have you eaten today?" Liv just shook her head, stifling a yawn a she allowed herself to be guided onto the plush sofa with the cushions that felt so heavenly it should be criminal. She scrubbed both hands across her face, trying to erase the almost crushing fatigue settling over her, not wanting her time with her lover to be dominated entirely by sleep.

Sam returned with two glasses of wine and a tray of cut up fruit pieces, some cheese and a few crackers. The blonde teacher had learned during their short courtship of Olivia's wont to neglect her body's need for food when working on a particularly tough case but also that pushing her lover to eat a full meal at such a late hour would be unsuccessful. She slid the tray onto the coffee table in front of the couch, placing her own wine down beside it and handing Olivia her glass before sinking into the sofa beside the brunette. Immediately, Sam's hand reached across the void, her fingers sliding into Olivia's luscious chestnut locks, caressing the side of her head softly, a caress into which Liv's head leaned, her eyes fluttering closed.

"Keep doing that and I'm going to be asleep in minutes!"

"You look like that wouldn't be such a bad thing, sweetheart. When was the last time you slept?" Sam asked quietly, still running her fingertips through her lover's hair, basking in the sensation of being allowed to touch her freely.

"Umm what day is it?" Liv joked lamely, knowing it was in advance of twenty-four hours since she had gotten any kind of sleep, longer since her slumber was uninterrupted.

"It was a tough one huh?" Sam didn't expect Liv to share details and the detective knew that but was touched by her girlfriend's concern.

"Yeah, there were complications…and a blast from the past," the brunette supplied in between taking sips of her wine, feeling it soothe a path down her throat adding to her increasingly relaxed state.

"A blast from the past? Someone you've come across in previous investigations?" Sam's interest was piqued by Olivia's tone when she had shared that snippet of information.

"You could say that. Our old ADA, Alex Cabot. She's back working with the squad it seems." Olivia's words were measured, her mind still in turmoil over how she felt about Alex's return.

"Sounds like you two have history," Sam's fingertips stilled but remained in contact with the older woman as she reached for her own wine, taking a healthy swig, not sure she was going to like where this conversation was going.

"We were friends, getting to be close friends – nothing more – and then she took on a case that resulted in her having to be taken into Witness Protection." Olivia paused to take another sip of wine, letting her head drop onto the back of the sofa, gazing up at the ceiling, legs stretched out beneath the coffee table, the position pulling the buttons of her pale blue button down shirt tight across her ample bosom.

"Alexandra Cabot? The Alexandra Cabot who was shot and 'killed' only to come back from the dead to testify against the man who shot her?" Sam's eyes widened as she remembered photos of the blonde bombshell attorney adorning the front pages of the New York Ledger. She took another healthy gulp of wine. Even if Liv assured her they had only been friends, that did not prevent flickers of insecurity lighting up in the darker recesses of the teacher's mind. The woman was stunning and by all accounts went all out to get what she wanted; if she decided she wanted Liv, Sam feared she would lose her lover to the formidable ADA.

"Yeah, she was taken back into the program after that but the threat was eliminated a couple of years ago. I tried contacting Alex when I heard she was back but she never returned my calls so I gave up trying. I had to assume she needed to put the part of her life that included our friendship behind her so that she could move on." Liv rolled her head to the side so she could look directly at her lover. "It was a surprise to see her, she just turned up at the scene like no time had passed. It seems she's finally ready to talk. I agreed to meet her after work tomorrow for a drink." Sam watched the shadows swimming in Liv's tired eyes, seeing the mix of emotions contained in their depths and something else which took her a moment to place; a silent request for her lover's permission and approval. Olivia needed to know Sam was ok with her meeting the woman socially. The teacher's fears melted as she realised she had nothing to be afraid of with regards to where Liv's affections lay, knowing in her heart that the older woman would not be speaking to her about the ADA's return if she had any intentions of hiding anything.

"I think that's a wise idea honey, you've got a lot of lost time to catch up on and I'm sure you have some unresolved issues around the lack of contact since Alex has been out of the program." Sam leaned in close, placing a tender kiss on the end of Olivia's slender nose, watching as her eyes fluttered shut once more. It was with great difficulty that the detective managed to prise her eyes open again and when she did, she saw her blonde girlfriend reaching for the now empty wine glass drooping in her own limp hand. "Why don't we take this into the bedroom?" The tone was soothing with just a hint of sexiness, a tantalising tease which reawakened parts of Olivia even as her energy flagged.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**Another day, another chapter and perhaps another emotional rollercoaster ahead perhaps? Well I'm not saying you won't need your tissues... Lol. Thank you as always for your kind words and reviews, I'm glad so many of you are sticking with this story and hope your patience and perseverance will pay off in the long run (and it will be a LONG run since there are already 37 completed chapters!) Hope you all continue to enjoy and if it so moves you, feel free to drop me a review or a PM but even if you just want to sit back, relax with a cup of your beverage of choice, read awhile and then move on, I appreciate you taking the time to look in on this story.**_

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday May 14th 2008<strong>_

_**20.36**_

_**Drogan's Bar**_

"Thanks, Olivia, I needed this." Alex took a long pull on the martini the brooding detective placed before her, watching the athletic brunette slip into the seat opposite her at their table.

"Cheers Counsellor," Olivia raised her own glass in toast to that, feeling somewhat awkward and wishing she had relented to Elliot's badgering to join the two women in their drink.

"I missed you…" Alex began quietly, knowing she had a lot of explaining to do and not expecting her companion to forgive her on the basis of just one night of casual drinks.

"But not enough to return my calls?" Olivia tried hard to keep the bitterness from her voice and almost managed it. She might have stood a chance of fooling the casual observer but not the sharp eared attorney.

"I don't expect you to understand, I barely understand myself, why I hid away from you of all people when I came back to New York. I never thought I would slot straight back in as though I'd never been away; I knew everything would have changed, that everyone would be in a completely different place to where I had left them but I never expected to feel quite so much like an alien in my own home. I didn't even recognise myself, I didn't know who I was meant to be any more. I had to adjust to people calling me Alex again; I had to adjust to life in New York without my family support; I left behind the few friends I had made yet again. It was just another new start, just like the rest of them had been, just another name that held little meaning to me. I had to relearn how to be myself, I had to find out who _I_ was again, who _Alex_ was and I wanted to reach out to you, I wanted your help doing that but I knew only I could find me. I didn't want to burden you with the pressure of trying to turn back the clock and I was scared that you wouldn't like the me I'd become. I thought it would hurt less not having you in my life than seeing you grow to dislike me or worse, to hate me and resent me for having come back and shattered the memories of our friendship." Hearing Alex's soliloquy, Olivia couldn't help but feel her coolness towards the younger woman thawing. She couldn't deny that she was hurt but the logic of what Alex was telling her pierced her stubborn pride. Until a person was in that position, Liv knew that no one should judge or presume to know how they themselves would react upon being thrust back into a world they'd been forced to leave behind.

"Alex, I'm so sorry you had to go through any of that. I blamed myself for the longest time; I should have taken the bullet for you, I should have insisted on leaving via the back door or checking there was no threat before we left the bar, I should have done better at persuading you to drop the case. So many what if's went through my mind that I thought I'd go crazy. I've spent a lot of time at your 'grave' talking to you about cases, about my life, about how much I missed you…" Olivia felt her eyes well up as she recalled the hours she had spent sitting on the cold ground beside the headstone pouring out her heart over the events at Sealview… "but I realised that life moves on and so must we. You're here now and I don't want to lose the chance of reforming our friendship because of things neither of us can change. So I propose a toast, to new beginnings and to getting to know one another again." The brunette raised her tumbler high, the amber liquid it contained sloshing against the sides of the glass.

"I'll definitely drink to that!" Alex exclaimed, relief flooding her body and her expression as she held Olivia's gaze.

The two women spent the next hour catching up with the main headlines of one another's lives from the previous few years, leaving the more delicate, painful memories for another day. Olivia's cell phone chirped on her belt signalling an incoming text message.

"Excuse me a moment," she requested as she pulled the device from its clip.

"_Hi babe, hope ur having fun catching up w/Alex. I'll call u 2moro, gotta get an early nite, early mtg in morning. Txt me when u get home so I no ur ok. Love u, Sxox_"

Olivia felt her cheeks warm slightly as she read the message in front of her old friend, wondering what the other woman would make of her new relationship. Rapidly moving her fingers over the keys of her battered phone, Liv replied to her lover,

"_Hiya sweetie, eve's going well, we r reconnecting r friendship I think. U sleep well & speak 2 u 2moro. Fancy coming 2 mine 4 supper? Missed u 2day. Love u 2, txt u l8r. Liv 3 x_"

"Sorry about that," Olivia murmured shyly, knowing Alex hated bad manners. Alex assessed the faint colour tracing its way across her friend's honey-toned skin, the twinkle in her eyes and the small smile playing at the edge of her full lips and realised that Liv looked happier and more relaxed than Alex had ever seen her during their time knowing one another.

"Must be someone special for you to look like that," she concluded with a gentle smile of her own, genuinely glad the woman had found someone to share her life with even as disappointment set in at the realisation her ship had sailed when it came to taking her chance to explore a more intimate relationship with the brunette.

"Like what?" Olivia asked coyly, refusing to give up information that easily to the attorney.

"Like happy, like life is good and you have someone to remind you of that." Alex drained her drink, indicating to Liv's own glass and standing to head to the bar. Olivia nodded, watching Alex go as she considered the attorney's words and realised that she had no reason to hide her happiness from this woman whom had shown her time and again in the past that she was a good friend.

When Alex returned from the bar with yet another martini for herself and a generous helping of bourbon for Olivia, the detective admitted, "I am happy, Alex, happier than I remember being in a long time."

"So do I get to hear about this mysterious man who's making you so sickeningly happy or am I going to have to turn prosecutor on your colleagues to find out details?" Alex grinned, her tone light and teasing.

"Oh Counsellor, you could grill any one of my colleagues all you like and they wouldn't tell you anything. In fact, they would probably have more questions than you do." Olivia replied cryptically, eyes twinkling with mischief as she relished the light-hearted banter.

It took Alex a moment to realise what Liv was trying to tell her, "they don't know? Haven't they noticed the difference in you?" The blonde attorney could not believe that some of New York's finest detectives had failed to spot what seemed to be fairly glaringly obvious to her.

Keeping any hint of accusation out of her tone, Olivia explained, "it's been a pretty gradual change I think, possibly too subtle for them to really notice. And if they have noticed, they've chosen not to grill me about the cause of it – I guess either because they're too tied up in their own lives or because they're just glad that I've finally remembered what it is to smile. They see me every day, I think maybe because of our absence from each other's lives it's more noticeable to you."

Alex conceded that it was possible she was noticing the change more because it had been so long since she saw the older woman. "Who is he then? Please tell me it's not Trevor Langan!" Both women laughed heartily as Olivia practically spat her drink across the bar in her haste to assure Alex it was not the sleazy defence lawyer.

"I'm not the one who dined with the enemy, Alex!" Olivia couldn't help but remind Alex of the time she and Elliot had busted in on the attorneys' date when they needed her assistance with a case. She also knew she was stalling, and the longer she avoided Alex's questions, the more determined the blonde would become to wheedle at least some minute detail out of her regarding her current lover. "Please don't hate me," she murmured to herself, steeling herself to admit that she was in fact dating a woman.

"Why would I, Liv? Unless you're dating some kind of monster who should be behind bars and I know you wouldn't do that." Olivia blushed. Alex hadn't been meant to hear her plea and whilst her assurances touched the detective, she was still nervous about 'coming out'.

"I'm dating a school teacher called Sam." Alex's confused expression would have been amusing to the detective under other circumstances. She clarified before Alex could cut in, "Samia Camanetti. I met her a few months ago on a case – she wasn't in anyway involved – when we needed to talk to a student of hers who was being abused. We kept in touch after the case ended, meeting for drinks, the occasional meal. We've officially been dating for over a month."

Alex took a moment to take in the revelation, not at all shocked that Liv would consider a woman as a partner since she had always been exhibited an empathy towards same-gender relationships but needing to formulate a response from a friendly stance rather than her personal, emotional disappointment. "Liv, you should know I wouldn't care that you're in a relationship with a woman so long as it is what you want and it is good for you. And I can see just by looking at you that this relationship _is_ good for you, very good for you."

Olivia released the breath she was unaware she had been holding, infinitely grateful to her friend for her acceptance. "I've never been in a serious relationship with a woman before. I've had my share of one night stands just like I have with guys but Sam's different. I feel like I want to be with her all the time, I want to share everything with her, to do everything with her by my side." Olivia took a healthy swig from her glass, relishing the burning liquid coursing down her throat. "If I'm completely honest, it scares me how much I want her."

The admission was quiet but heartfelt. "That's love, Olivia," Alex informed her with a sympathetic smile, knowing the feeling all too well. Worrying at her bottom lip with her teeth, Liv nodded in response. They lapsed into companionable silence as each contemplated life.

"I'd like you to meet her sometime. I mean, if we're going to be socialising, I'd like you to be comfortable spending time with us both." It would be the first time Olivia had introduced her lover to anyone and just there mere thought left her with frantic butterflies.

"I'd like that very much, Liv. I'd like to shake the hand of the woman who has put such a smile in your heart." Alex was earnest in her response, raising her glass in mock toast to the absent Sam. "It's about time you knew true happiness and love."

"Of course, now we just have to work on finding the same for you," Olivia responded with a sly smile.

"Oh God, you've turned into one of those sickening people who finds love and assumes everyone else is missing out if they don't already have it!" Alex's quip was accompanied by a wry smile and a roll of her eyes dramatically. Olivia released a deep, full throated laugh, glad to have agreed to drinks with the ADA.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday February 12<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.32**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex sat with her feet propped up on the coffee table as she leaned back into the leather sofa watching the mindless movie they had opted to watch. Her right hand was playing with the soft chestnut hair on the head resting in her lap, her left arm draped over Olivia's shoulder where she lay curled up on the remainder of the couch not taken up by Alex's slender body. She was unsure at what point in the movie the detective had drifted off to sleep but Alex was not about to move and risk waking her from much needed rest. They had talked for a short while following Elliot's departure, Alex had convinced Olivia to allow her to run a hot bath for her and both women had changed into casual clothes rather than the outfits they had each worn for the memorial service earlier in the day. The brunette had opted for a pair of well worn jeans and a sleeveless white tank, leaving her feet uncovered. Olivia's bare arm felt cool beneath the blonde attorney's palm so, trying to jostle the slumbering woman as little as possible, Alex reached for the comforter folded over the back of the couch. As best she could from her seated position, the younger woman shook it out and spread it over the prone figure, tucking it around her gently to keep draughts out. Olivia murmured in her sleep but barely stirred as Alex settled back into her previous position and refocused on the film. Only a few more minutes had passed before Alex was disturbed by the buzzing vibration of her cell phone against the arm of the couch. She picked up the tiny machine, looking at the caller-ID before deciding whether to answer the call or to let it go to voicemail. Seeing who was phoning, Alex flipped open the clam shell case as she paused the DVD with her other hand.

"Hi Gina, how are you doing?" The blonde had been unsure of what time was best to call the Camanetti's, not certain of how long the wake would have lasted for their daughter but she had been intending to call them before too much longer.

"It's been a long day, one I'm not in any hurry to repeat. How's Olivia?" Gina's voice was tired and defeated sounding, testament to her trying day.

"She's a little better, she did come round a bit this afternoon. She's sleeping at the minute."

"I worry about her. She feels everything so deeply, not just her own pain but that of others too. She always carries some sadness with her, either from her job or because someone around her is hurting. Her heart is too big and I worry she'll make herself ill using so much of her energy trying to take on others' problems," Gina fussed over the detective's wellbeing, every bit as concerned as she ever had been about the welfare of her own child.

Alex looked down at the still slumbering detective, seeing telltale signs of a frown lines marring her forehead and realising that even in sleep, there were some demons she could not lose. She returned her hand to Olivia's hair, running her fingers through it gently, hoping to soothe the woman's mind and soul through the tender action. "I worry about her too, Gina, but between us, I'm sure we can help her. And we'll make sure that she gets the support she needs, the people to speak to whom can help her to see that what happened wasn't her fault."

"The sooner they find the son of a gun who did this to my little girl and her beautiful detective the better – whoever it is deserves to rot in a cell for the rest of their miserable life." Tears sprang anew to Gina's eyes at the mention of her daughter.

"You certainly won't hear me arguing that point. I just wish I were the one who would be prosecuting the case so I could make sure the full weight of the law was brought to bear."

Gina let out a watery chuckle, "something tells me, Alex, that you will somehow make sure whomever is prosecuting will make that happen anyway!"

"Guilty as charged, I'm afraid," Alex replied with a smile.

"Please, promise me that you'll persuade Olivia to come for dinner next week?" Gina knew her voice had taken on a pleading tone but she was keen to ensure the brunette continued to be a part of their family and truly felt that she should be spending more time with them while they all adjusted to life without Samia rather than less.

"How about we set a date and time now and I will promise to do everything within my power to get Liv there?" Alex responded, believing that in a more settled and lucid moment, the detective would need very little persuading at all.

"When are you free? Do you have any evenings you can't make? We can fit around you and Olivia."

Mentally, Alex ran through her known court appearances for the following week, setting aside Monday evening for final preparation for her case being heard on Tuesday and knowing that Thursday would be a long day leading to a late finish. "I can do Tuesday, Wednesday or Friday so whichever suits you better."

"Tuesday is good, Tuesday is usually a quieter evening in the restaurant so Fausto and I can both be away for the night. Is 7.30 too early for you?" Gina scribbled notes on her wall calendar to alert her husband that they would be entertaining.

"7.30 is perfect, we'll be there." Alex appreciated Gina for including her in their plans.

"Do you eat meat or should I prepare a vegetarian dish for you?"

"I'm a lover of most things edible! Whatever you would like to serve, I'm sure I will be more than happy to eat," Alex replied warmly, realising more and more how much of a true family Olivia had finally found.

Gina considered her options before informing Alex she would serve a traditional Italian dish that Olivia had declared as her favourite on one visit to their home above the restaurant. "I'm sorry Alex, I must go, my husband needs me." The blonde attorney could hear quiet sobbing in the background, her heart clenching.

"Of course. Take care Gina and if you want to come over and see Liv before we come to dinner, you know where we are." They exchanged hasty goodbyes and thanks before disconnecting the call.

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday May 20<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**19.11**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

Sam watched as Olivia paced back and forth around the small dining table, tweaking place settings and generally exhibiting a level of nervousness the teacher did not normally associate with her lover. Approaching her on silent feet, Sam wrapped her arms around the strong body, resting her cheek against the tense muscles between the taller woman's shoulder blades, stilling her frantic motion.

"Baby, it looks perfect. Come and sit down for a few minutes and try to relax. Alex is your friend, isn't she? It's not like she's never been here before." Olivia turned within the circle of the comforting embrace, gathering her girlfriend in close and tucking the tousled blonde head beneath her chin as her arms snaked around the slender waist moulded against her own.

"I know I'm being an idiot… but it's the first time I've introduced a partner to any of my friends." Olivia hid her face in the soft blonde curls, feeling her cheeks grow warm at her admission.

"Liv, sweetheart, I can go if you're not ready to do this. You and Alex can have an evening to yourselves…" Sam made to move away from the supple, muscular body curled around her but felt Olivia's toned arms tighten their hold.

"No!" Her voice was adamant, head rising and seeking Sam's gaze. Looking into the clear blue eyes intently, Olivia repeated, "no, I don't want you to go anywhere. I want you and Alex to meet, I want her to meet the woman who has made me so happy. I'm just a little nervous about it. I'll be fine once she gets here, I'm sure." Liv hoped that Alex wouldn't grill the young woman too harshly, knowing her prosecutorial nature tended to take over when she was protecting something or someone she cared about. Samia moved in even closer, grazing her lips over the full, inviting mouth still pursed a little in the detective's anxiety. She felt muscles, which had been full of tension, melt into liquid putty beneath her hands at the tender contact. It amazed her every time it happened that with just the merest of kisses or touches, Olivia's body would react so strongly, so quickly to her.

"No matter how tonight goes, I want you to know that I love you and I will continue to love you for as long as you'll have me." It wasn't the first time Olivia had heard those words from the young woman's mouth but in that moment it felt like the most precious admission she had ever heard.

"I love you too, sweetheart and, right now, I can't imagine that ever changing. Will you stay tonight? I know it's a school night and we both have to work tomorrow but I really want to go to sleep with you in my arms tonight." Olivia kissed Sam's temple lovingly as she ended her request, contentment washing over her as she held the woman who had captured her heart.

"I'd like that. I can get up when you do and have time to head back to my apartment to change before I head into work myself." The petite blonde buried her head into the crook of Olivia's neck, placing her lips against the thumping pulse point she encountered, hearing the deep, long intake of breath as the older woman fought to control her rising desire, knowing they certainly didn't have time to ravish one another. That would have to wait until later, she conceded.

Right on cue, the intercom buzzed alerting them to their visitor's arrival. Olivia let Alex into the apartment building and then waited beside the front door for her arrival as Sam busied herself with opening the bottle of red wine, allowing it time to breathe. They had decided mutually that that evening warranted opening the vintage bottle Alex had bought Olivia before she was whisked out of the detective's life. The blonde teacher heard voices approaching and smoothed her hands over the aquamarine tunic top she was wearing, flattening imaginary creases, her own nerves suddenly increasing tenfold.

"Alex, this is my partner, Samia Camanetti. Sam, baby, this is Alex Cabot, our ADA at work and my good friend." Olivia stood beside her lover as she made the introductions, eyes alive with emotion as she watched two women she cared deeply for make their acquaintances.

Alex stepped forward, offering her steady hand to the young blonde, a warm smile on her face. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Samia."

Sam accepted the hand graciously, feeling the other woman's presence like it was a separate living entity from her physical form. Formidable did not even begin to cover this woman. Stuttering slightly, Sam replied, "pleasure to meet you too, Ms Cabot. I've heard a lot about you."

"Please, it's Alex." The ADA cut the formalities in the bud, squeezing the hand she was shaking before letting it go. "And don't believe everything Liv tells you about me, I only breathe fire when the occasion warrants it!"

"Hey, I never made you out to be a dragon! A harridan and a slave driver maybe but never a dragon!" Liv exclaimed with a wide grin dodging the feeble punch aimed in her direction. Noticing that her lover looked a little intimidated by Alex still, Liv slipped an arm around her waist and drew her close, placing a gentle kiss against the side of her head. A delighted smile lit up Alex's face at the sign of affection, the response immediately reassuring Sam that Olivia's friend seemed genuinely pleased about their relationship.

"Can I get you something to drink, Alex?" Sam asked as she squeezed Liv's waist affectionately.

"I'd love a glass of wine, thanks," Alex responded, a little amused that it was Sam to offer and not Olivia despite them being at the detective's apartment. Sam turned to Olivia, eyes silently asking the same question of her lover.

"You two go and sit down, I'll fix the drinks and bring them through then we can decide what we want in the way of food. Are you having wine, sweetheart?" Samia nodded. She was still a little nervous and had hoped that she could take a few moments to gather her composure whilst pouring drinks while Olivia and Alex talked in the lounge.

"You mean you're not cooking for us, Olivia?" Alex's voice was incredulous, one sculpted eyebrow raised above a twinkling cobalt blue eye.

"Are you kidding me? I'd rather live to teach my class at least until the end of the semester!" Sam joked caustically earning a genuine laugh from both the attorney and her lover.

"Well I did think she might have actually learned how to at least make a simple meal after all this time!" Alex rejoined, glad to see Sam interacting with her directly.

"Oh I can see how this is gonna go – I'm going to regret introducing you two aren't I? No tag teaming me over dinner ok? I can take either one of you, just not so sure about both at the same time!" Two sets of blue eyes zeroed in on the brunette as a much more lewd interpretation of her words occurred to them both – short moments before Liv realised why they were fixing her with such amused stares. She felt her colour rising and a warmth enveloping her as she imagined sharing her bed with both the stunningly beautiful blondes, an image she quickly erased feeling voyeuristic and unfaithful just thinking of it. "Ummm, yeah, you know what I mean. Oh will you two just go and sit in the lounge?" Liv shooed them out of the room, turning to the bottle of wine and moving to pour 3 generous glasses. The brunette had long ago stopped denying that she had been attracted to Alex during her initial tenure as SVU's ADA; it was pointless not to acknowledge at least to herself the undeniable chemistry which had led them to seek out one another's company, sometimes even initiating hostility to exorcise their passion. But that was in the past, wasn't it? Olivia was happier than she could ever remember being with Sam and the thought of not having the diminutive blonde teacher in her life resulted in an empty aching chasm in her chest. Having Alex back was a bonus but Olivia was certain her crush on the formidable attorney had faded and been replaced by a genuine, requited and wonderful love for her partner. Still, Olivia conceded, she was only human and who wouldn't have had a momentary thrill at the thought of two steaming, hot blonde women pleasuring them?

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday May 20<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**20.39**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

By the time the Chinese takeout arrived, the three women had settled into an easy, friendly and comfortable banter, each teasing the others as freely as if they had been friends for years. Olivia jumped up to grab the food from the delivery guy when her cell rang diverting her attention.

"I'll get the food, you see to your phone call," Sam instructed, rising from the sofa she had been sharing with her girlfriend and making her way to the front door of the apartment. Liv disappeared towards the bedroom, cell clamped to her ear.

"Benson," she barked, irritated at the interruption to their evening.

"I need you at the precinct, Olivia. I'm sorry, I know you're not officially catching tonight but I need all hands available on this – we've got a child abduction." Captain Donald Cragen called the last of his warriors to battle, looking out over the quiet bullpen which would soon become a hive of activity as the investigation got fully underway.

"Give me half an hour Captain and I'll be there." Liv informed her boss with a quiet sigh. Hanging up, she changed her comfortable t-shirt for a plain white tank over which she pulled on a baby blue v-neck sweater Samia had persuaded her to buy. She retrieved her gun, cuffs and badge from the lock box she kept them in when off duty and clipped them to the belt of her black jeans with efficiency borne of experience. Finally, she made her way back to the lounge, the sounds of gentle laughter reaching her ears before the two women in her apartment came into her line of vision. Alex was first to look up, eyes immediately drawn to the equipment now adorning Liv's belt.

"You've been called in?"

"Yeah, Captain needs all detectives at the precinct for a new case we caught." Olivia was reluctant to share that a child was involved in front of Sam, knowing that it was a painful reminder for them both of how they had met. Alex made to pack up the Chinese cartons she had been laying out but Olivia shook her head, "you two stay as long as you like, eat the food and whatever's left just put it in the fridge for me ok?"

Samia sauntered over to her lover, "will you be coming home tonight?"

"Even if it's only for an hour or so, I promise I will be home. Will you be here when I get in? Please?" Olivia looped her arms around the smaller woman's waist, pulling their bodies closer together. Alex refocused her attention on the food, suddenly feeling as though she were intruding on a private moment between the two women.

"I'll be here, love," Sam assured the smouldering detective. "Be safe." The instruction had become a normal part of their exchange whenever Liv headed out to work and every time, Olivia determined in her own mind to honour her partner by returning home in one piece and unscathed. Of course, it didn't always work out that way but she had so far always returned. Their lips met briefly before Olivia pulled away.

"I love you," the brunette told Sam quietly.

"I love you too, honey. Go do what you gotta do, Alex and I will talk about you in your absence!" Sam winked to show she was kidding, although part of her was keen to hear some unedited, uncensored stories from the attorney about her lover while Liv wasn't there to object.

"Night Alex, sorry to have to run out on you. We'll do this again soon, I promise." Liv called to her friend.

"Night Liv, call me if you need a warrant or anything." Alex knew that a case requiring all the 1-6's detective power meant that she too was now officially on standby to be called in also. She looked longingly at the last drops of wine in her glass and sighed, pushing them away and resigning herself to water for the remainder of the evening. She heard Liv retrieve a bottle of water from the fridge and then the sound of the front door closing signalled the detective's departure.

Samia casually sunk back into her seat on the sofa, helping Alex sort out the food cartons and serve the delicious dinner. "So come on, Alex, spill. What stories can you share with me now that Olivia's not here to censor you?" Samia grinned impishly at her companion for the evening.

"Oh you want to hear all about the real Olivia Benson do you? Then sit back and make yourself comfortable, I've got tales about that woman that would make your hair curl even more than it already is!" Alex quipped, tucking her legs up beneath her in the comfortable armchair, balancing her plate laden with noodles, chicken and vegetables on her knee and settling herself in for an evening of regaling the young teacher with stories about her lover.


	13. Chapter 13

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**Wow, some lovely reviews on this story so far - it may sound trite but my honest, sincere thanks go to all of you who are taking the time to read this but especially those of you who are taking the time to let me know your thoughts. I really do appreciate the feedback and it does inspire me to continue writing. **_

_**So, onwards with another chapter and perhaps another emotional rollercoaster...**_

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday May 20<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**21.17**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

Olivia stepped off the lift and walked forward into the hectic bullpen. Her colleagues had beaten her to the precinct and were already huddled together around the board displaying the scant few details of their latest case.

"Ok, we're all here so listen up," the captain barked as he spied Olivia join the fringes of their group. "Mathew Braddock failed to return home from school today. Mathew is five years old and lives with his mother, Lisa Braddock, and step-father, Andrew Connaught, in Midtown. He travels to and from school by bus but when Mr Connaught went to meet him this afternoon there was no sign of him and the bus driver had no recollection of seeing him waiting at the school. Mr Connaught contacted the mother to see if Mathew had an after-school activity she had forgotten to mention to him but she said not. Mrs Braddock telephoned the school, according to them, Mathew was present in all his classes and left with a man who matches the description of Mathew's natural father, Steven Anderson. Munch and Fin have already checked the father's last known address and found this pinned to the wall of his studio apartment," Cragen indicated a child's drawing of a young boy sitting on a man's knee, the boy in the picture was crying while the man's hands were resting where the boy's hips would be. Beside the picture, there was a note written in the simple block handwriting of a youngster. It simply read, 'please stop it, Daddy.' The note was ambiguous and could be taken as a plea to his father to prevent another person from abusing him or it could be read as a desperate request that his own father stop abusing him. "Benson, Stabler I want you to focus on investigating all the men who have contact with Mathew Braddock who might have opportunity to abuse him, including Steven Anderson. Munch and Fin will continue to track down leads to find where Mathew is. At this point, we can only suspect that Steven Anderson has his son but we can't afford to rule out other possibilities either so pick up surveillance camera tapes in the area of the school, question the staff member who saw Mathew leaving and find out which way they were headed, whether they were on foot or in a car. The clock is ticking on this and if Mathew is with his abuser, we need to find him before he comes to any more harm." Cragen looked around at his squad, proud to see them all spurred into action as soon as his words ceased.

Olivia's fingers sped over the keyboard as she entered search after search into the many databases at their disposal, scanning for any information which would give them a clearer picture of the kind of man Steven Anderson was. She found no prior records of any arrests, nothing so much as a citation for speeding. A check on his social security showed that he worked regularly and had done ever since leaving school. She shared the information with her partner who suggested that they talked to the mother to find out what Anderson had been like to live with. Olivia, not wanting to step on their colleague's toes, approached Fin and checked if there were any objections to them approaching the mother for information. With his approval and the captain's clearance, the two detectives made their way out into the cool spring night on the hunt for any kind of information that would lead to them finding the missing boy safe and well.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday February 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**09.02**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex awoke to pale sunshine trying to break through the gloom of another winter's day, a brief respite from the snow which had been falling steadily since around lunchtime the previous day. She stretched tight muscles out and listened for any signs that Olivia was awake in the apartment. With a frown, Alex realised that the home was too quiet and had a distinctly empty feeling about it. She jumped up out of the bed, grabbing a robe and sliding her feet into her slippers as she raced out into the hallway, hurtling down the corridor to Liv's bedroom and poking her head inside. The bed was made, curtains pulled back to allow the weak daylight to cast its eerie light over the room but there was no sign of the brunette. Backing out of the room, Alex cast a glance at the guest bathroom but saw the door was open and that room empty too. She continued down the passageway into the lounge but still there was no sign of the detective. She searched the kitchen and the dining room before she concluded for certain that she was alone in the apartment for the first time since Olivia had been allowed home from the hospital. What concerned her most was the fact that the older woman had not apparently seen fit to leave a note to let Alex know where to find her but a quick glance in the closet indicated that Olivia had not gone out dressed for the weather – her warm woollen jacket still hanging in its place amongst Alex's own coats. Alex returned to her bedroom and collected her cell phone from where it had been on charge beside her bed, hitting the speed dial she had reserved for Liv. The call was directed immediately to Olivia's message box, not even ringing once before it was diverted.

"Hi Liv, it's just after 9am. I'm sorry I wasn't awake before you left. Give me a call and let me know where you are ok? I know today's going to be tough for you and I understand if you need some time on your own but please just let me know you're alright." Alex disconnected the call, hoping against hope that Olivia would check her messages and respond. Alex returned to her bedroom and changed into a comfortable pair of denim jeans and a dark grey ribbed turtle neck sweater. She pulled her long blonde hair back into a loose pony tail not bothering to waste time applying any make up to her flawless face. She pulled on a thick pair of white sports socks and sunk her feet into well-worn hiking boots which she hoped would stand up to the icy sidewalks. She scribbled a note on a legal pad asking Olivia to call her cell if the detective returned to the apartment before Alex did and grabbed her warmest coat out of the closet. She slipped her hands into soft leather gloves and reached for her keys. Pausing before leaving the apartment, Alex returned to the closet and grabbed Olivia's woollen coat, bundling it into a shoulder bag and then setting out in search of her friend. She had a few ideas of where to try first, if they drew a blank, she vowed to telephone Elliot to see if he had further suggestions.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday February 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**09.17**_

_**Samia Camanetti's memorial stone**_

"Happy Valentine's Day, my beautiful, beautiful love." Tears coursed freely across Olivia's cheeks as she knelt on the frozen, snow covered ground beside the marker bearing Samia's name. The white cala lilies she had brought with her were propped up next to the dark marble plaque, arranged as best she could in the plant holder she had bought for the occasion. She had no idea how long she had been there talking quietly in the almost deserted memorial park. She was oblivious to the cold, to the icy dampness seeping into her dark indigo denim jeans, to the tinge of blue already forming at her naked fingertips, the bright redness bordering on purple of her bare arms where they peeked out from her flimsy t-shirt. None of the freezing elements could match the chilling emptiness within her. "I wanted to make today so special for you, I had so many ideas of how we could spend today. I have to say, this wasn't in my plans, darling. I miss you so badly sweetheart every single minute of every day. It's like I have this hole inside me and no matter what I do, I'll never be whole, I'll never be complete again, for as long as we're apart. I want to do as you asked me to, I want to make you proud but I'm scared to let you go; I'm scared in case I forget you; I'm scared in case I'm not strong enough to let myself find happiness again; I'm scared in case I do let someone in only to lose them and I can't bear this pain again, I can't… Why did you have to leave me? Why…?" Olivia's words died as fresh sobs wracked her body. She rocked back and forth, hugging her arms around her frozen body in a feeble attempt to keep the pain out, knowing it was futile when the hurt was coming from deep within her. She placed a teary kiss against her numb fingers and pressed them tenderly against the marker before rising on unsteady legs and fleeing the memorial garden. She had no conscious thought of where she was heading, she simply allowed her legs to carry her to wherever they took her. She had no interest in her own welfare, too consumed in her guilt and distress at being there to mark Valentine's Day when the love of her life was not.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday February 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**10.43**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

Olivia's hand shook as she fumbled with her key trying to slide the uncooperative metal into the lock. "Damnit," she cursed softly as the key slid from her cold, stiff fingers. Water ran from her sodden hair into her eyes blurring her vision further than it was already.

"Olivia?" Alex approached the detective, thanking her luck for finally finding her. The ADA had drawn a blank at the precinct and at the memorial garden, although the fresh flowers and disturbed snow had alerted her to the fact someone had been there, almost undoubtedly the woman now standing before her on the verge of severe hypothermia. The apartment had been her last resort before she conceded she would need help locating the detective. She drew in a sharp breath as she drew closer, seeing the extent of exposure to the cold the older woman had suffered and wondering how long she had been outdoors in her thin cotton t-shirt and jeans with no jacket or even a sweater to fend off the icy wind and driving sleet. Her feet were crammed into tired sneakers which had definitely seen better days and, in all likelihood, were far from waterproof. Olivia crouched awkwardly on shaky legs as she stooped to retrieve her keys, overbalancing and ending up sitting on the floor with a confused expression which Alex would have found adorably amusing under other circumstances but currently just worried her.

"I'm such a fuck up," Olivia spat, her voice low and filled with bitterness directed only towards herself.

"No, you're not, Liv. You're human and you're grieving." Alex swept the keys up from the floor, tucking a hand beneath Olivia's ice-cold elbow and assisting her to stand and maintaining her grip as she felt the brunette's legs quiver under her weight.

"Can't even open a damn door," Liv continued as though Alex wasn't there. She watched mutely as the key was slid into the lock smoothly by the attorney's outstretched pale, slender hand. The door swung open but Olivia remained rooted to the spot as the familiar scent of her apartment washed over her and brought with it a whole slew of fresh memories to torment her. She knew she was being maudlin and that this was not healthy but that day should have been one of the happiest of her life. Instead, it was just a painful reminder of what she would never get to share with Sam. Olivia had been planning their evening together for Valentine's Day since before Christmas, wanting to make sure she could make it a night never to be forgotten by either of them. It wasn't an anniversary she had ever felt any much inclination to embrace in past relationships but, whilst she showered her lover with affection every day, it seemed important to utilise the occasion to impress upon the young woman just what a huge impact she had had on Olivia's life.

"Liv, you don't have to go inside if you're not ready." Alex watched her friend carefully, looking for any sign of what was going through her mind being confronted with her home for the first time since losing her lover. The tall brunette suddenly started forward, striding into the apartment, through the open doorway and deep inside the home, turning automatically to the right and heading towards her bedroom. Alex stepped over the threshold, unsure if she was meant to follow or to allow Liv time on her own.

Olivia stood inside the door to her bedroom, looking around at the chaotic space; the unmade bed, the clothes strewn across the floor, a mixture of her own and Sam's, Sam's hairbrush on the dresser, her favourite perfume beside it. The detective inhaled deeply letting her lover's scent surround her, envelope her and soothe her. As much as she missed the young woman and as hard as it was seeing the evidence of her existence in her life, it also provided Olivia with a tangible connection to the woman she had lost, a connection she had feared was slipping. In her mind, she could once again hear Sam's light laughter, her throaty groans whilst in the throes of passionate lovemaking, her even tone as she cautioned Olivia she had better come back to her safely whenever she was called into work, the softness of her voice as she spoke of her love for the brunette. She was unsure of when she had closed her eyes or climbed onto the queen sized bed but when Olivia became aware of her surroundings, she realised that she was curled into the blanket, cuddling it to her as though clinging onto it would keep her anchored to her lover's memory. Surrounded by the fading scent of Samia and the familiarity of her own bedroom, Liv drifted off into a light slumber.

Alex paced the floor of the apartment, her mind in turmoil. Olivia had been gone for almost half an hour and she was still debating whether she was supposed to go after her. There were no signs of movement coming from the bedroom, no sounds at all to indicate what the brunette was doing in there. The longer she left it, the more unsure she became as to whether she should even be inside the apartment. Olivia had made no effort to acknowledge her presence or call her through to what Alex could only assume was the master bedroom. Deciding that the best way to ascertain whether her presence was required would be to ask, the lithe blonde took a deep breath and headed the same way she had seen Olivia disappearing. A tiny gasp and whimper fell from her lips as she rounded the corner and spied the brunette curled into a foetal position, hugging the blanket to her chest tightly, face buried into the soft material, sleeping soundly as tears dried on her cheeks. She hated the thought of having to wake the woman but she was conscious of the vast majority of her clothes being sodden and in need of changing – the last thing Olivia needed was a bout of hypothermia. Alex wondered if there would be any way to change the clothes without disturbing the detective but given her sleeping position, it appeared impossible.

"Olivia, sweetie?" Alex murmured gently, placing a hand on the shoulder closest to her and shaking it slightly, applying the merest of pressure, not wanting to startle the woman awake. She was hoping to bring her round only enough to gain her cooperation with moving into a position which would allow Alex to undress her. The detective stirred slightly under her attention so Alex persisted, shaking a little harder, applying slightly more pressure, calling Olivia's name once again with the slightest increase in volume, voice still breathy and gentle. "Liv, honey, let's get you out of these wet clothes then you can sleep all you want to, ok?" The words appeared to penetrate Olivia's subconscious as she rolled onto her back and straightened her legs, bringing the blanket with her, still clenched tightly in one hand like a child's comforter. Her eyes flickered open blearily, struggling to focus on Alex. "It's ok Liv, let me do the work, you just lie there and rest," Alex whispered, squeezing Olivia's muscular shoulder lightly. With a little negotiation, she managed to divest the brunette of her clothing, trying not to ogle the expanse of flesh on display as she felt her eyes drawn to the still healing surgical scar and the smaller scrapes and grazes littering her body from the explosion. The medical incision was small and neat but it would remain a constant reminder of the nightmare Liv was currently living. Alex turned away from the almost naked woman, lying so still she wasn't sure Liv hadn't already fallen back asleep, rooting through a dresser to find a warm pair of trackpants and a long sleeved shirt for the brunette to sleep in. She grabbed a fresh pair of socks also, the frigid cold of Olivia's feet and blue tinge to her toes concerning the attorney. The final item the attorney grabbed was a soft towel so she could at least take some of the dampness from Olivia's tousled brown hair. Alex returned to the bed, manoeuvring Liv's uncooperative legs into the holes of the pants, softly requesting the brunette to raise her hips so that she could pull them all the way up the long, toned legs. Once that half was dressed, Alex grabbed up the shirt and looked at Olivia who was gazing back at her with heavy lidded eyes, expression unreadable. "Come on, sit up a minute," Alex instructed, watching the woman struggle to comply. Tucking the shirt under one arm, the attorney assisted her friend into a seated position, prising the blanket from her fist long enough to feed her arm through the sleeve. As soon as her hand was free again, Liv reached once more for the blanket, eyes almost rolling back into her head such was the level of her fatigue. Alex wondered idly how long it had been since Olivia had slept restfully and how much was due to her exposure to the elements. Propping the detective up with one hand in the centre of her back, Alex moved to kneel on the bed behind the older woman. Settling Olivia's weight against her own body, Alex rubbed the towel over the chestnut locks, soaking up as much water as she could. She tossed the towel aside and ran her fingers through the silky hair to try to tame it somewhat after her attentions before steadying the detective and climbing off the bed once more. As Alex lowered her to the bed, Olivia flopped bonelessly back onto the cushioned mattress, moving to curl into her previous position until Alex pulled the covers over her, leaving her to find a new section to hold against herself. An expression of wonder tinged with the pain of her loss settled over her beautiful face as she buried herself into a segment which smelt more strongly of her lover and the warmth of the blanket seeped into her. Alex watched for a few moments, stroking the chestnut hair tenderly, seeing shivers set in and acknowledging ironically that that was actually a good thing – with hypothermia, she knew, it was when the shivering stopped that was a real cause for concern. The shivering showed that Olivia's body was reacting to the heat and the difference between her inner and outer temperatures and doing what it needed to so the warmer blood reached every part of her. A faint, distant buzzing pulled Alex's attention away from the brunette and she padded out of the bedroom realising that it was the intercom requesting attention.

"Delivery for Olivia Benson," the disembodied voice informed Alex.

"I'll be right down," Alex replied, palming Liv's keys. She jogged down two flights of stairs, rounding the corner and seeing a pimply-faced teen peering out from behind a large orchid. She approached the door, opening it and ushering him inside out of the grim weather.

"Ms Benson?" Alex chose not to get into a discussion and merely nodded, figuring he didn't need to know that she wasn't the intended recipient of the beautiful flower. She took the plant when he thrust it at her and scribbled her signature, knowing it was wholly illegible and doubting the young man would study it that closely anyway. He seemed to be keen to get on his way, which was hardly surprising since he probably had many more deliveries to make before he could finish for the day. "Have a nice day, ma'am."

Alex held the door open for him to exit, smiling serenely and making sure the door was securely shut before she retreated back up the stairs, balancing the flower on her hip as she slid Olivia's key into the lock.

"NO!" The cry was a raw, painful sound, ripped from Olivia's throat. Alex set the flower hurriedly onto the nearest flat surface, kicking the door shut behind her and racing into the brunette's bedroom. Liv was twisting and turning beneath the blanket, face contorted with grief as demons haunted her dreams and tormented her soul.

Alex crouched down beside the bed, placing a hand against the fevered brow and brushing her thumb across the smooth forehead tenderly. "Ssshh, Liv, it's ok sweetie, it's a dream, it's ok." Alex doubted very much that it was ok or that what was terrorising Olivia was simply a dream but in that moment she would have sworn the world was flat if it would have helped to ease the woman's pain. "It's ok honey, you're ok." She continued to coo platitudes softly into Liv's ear, stroking her thumb back and forth across her creased brow. Slowly, the nightmare receded and Olivia became aware of her surroundings; the scent of her lover filling her nostrils, the tender, gentle caress against her head, the quiet words of comfort being whispered into her ear.

"I'm sorry," she whispered back coarsely, voice mournful as reality came crashing back down upon her. Alex was unconvinced the apology was directed at her and opted to maintain her silence, thumb still working its way across Olivia's head. They remained in the silent semi-embrace for many moments and Alex found herself hoping Olivia had fallen back to sleep. Unfortunately, that was proving impossible to do for the brunette. The comfort she had found from her lover's scent previously was now just a tortuous reminder of her no longer being there, like a memory that dances at the very edge of conscious thought and refuses to be pulled forward. "Can we go back to your apartment, Alex? Please? I can't stay here, it's like she's everywhere and nowhere at the same time."

"Of course we can, Liv. We can do whatever you need to do. While we're here though, is there anything else you want to bring with you? Anything I forgot to grab for you? That way, you don't have to come back for a while if you don't want to. There's plenty of storage in your room at my place." It sounded so natural to refer to it as Olivia's room, even though she had only been staying there for a short while. Truth be known, Alex was appreciating having someone to come home to at night, having had more than enough of empty houses and apartments during her time in Witsec. She stood as Olivia sat up in bed, the covers falling from her still deeply chilled body. The brunette swayed a little unsteadily on her feet as she stood, grateful for Alex's arm which slipped around her waist and held her upright. Exhaustion hit her like a sledgehammer and she wondered how she was going to make it to the attorney's apartment. She barely had the energy to put one foot in front of the other, there was no way she could walk all the way uptown – whatever adrenaline had kept her going this long had drained away and been replaced by molasses.

"I'll call us a cab," Liv slurred, hand rising sluggishly.

"There's no need, I've got the car downstairs," Alex informed the brunette, wondering whether it wouldn't be better just to tuck her back into the bed and let her sleep for a short while at least. "And I've got your jacket in the lounge – do you want to change or are you ok travelling as you are?"

"I'm 'k." Liv's voice was becoming quieter, more mumbled, her weight resting more solidly against Alex's side. "You're the best friend anyone could ask for, you know that right, Al?" Olivia surprised the blonde by wrapping her up in a tight hug.

"I'm not that special, honey. I'm not doing anything you wouldn't do yourself." Alex manoeuvred her friend through to the lounge depositing her on the sofa as she went to look for some more suitable footwear for the brunette. There was no way she could wear the sneakers she had arrived in again until they were dry. As she rooted in the closet by the front door, Alex spied the abandoned orchid. Grabbing up a pair of solid looking black boots with only a low heel, the blonde attorney returned to the lounge, boots in one hand and the flower in the other.

"As amusing as it would be, I don't think I can wear that on my feet!" Liv indicated the plant with a quizzically raised eyebrow.

"These are for your feet, smart ass," Alex thrust forward the boots, shaking her head slightly even as she was relieved that Liv appeared to be rallying a little. "This was delivered while you were asleep."

"Who's it from?" Olivia was immediately on edge, knowing that whoever created her nightmare knew where she lived. That thought made her more determined to vacate the apartment as soon as she could. Being there, especially with Alex in tow could be endangering them both and countless other tenants.

Alex slipped the card out from amongst the foliage, passing it to Olivia for her to read. She had a sneaking suspicion she knew who it was from and was not entirely sure how the brunette would handle the gift.

Olivia read the short message written in her lover's distinctive slanted script, vision blurring once again as yet more tears clouded her eyes:

"_To my darling O, this orchid is just a tiny symbol of how beautiful this year has been with you by my side. I love you barely seems sufficient to express how much I care about you. Thank you for sharing yourself with me. Always yours, S xxx_"

Alex sunk into the couch beside her closest friend, seeing the tears in her eyes and her lip quivering. She slid a comforting arm around her shoulders, letting Liv know that she wasn't alone, her own throat constricting.

"God this hurts, Alex. Why do we do this? Why do we fall in love?" Olivia asked, her tone resigned and defeated.

"Because the good times, the joy and happiness that love brings, those are what last forever no matter how any relationship ends. No amount of short term pain can take away the special memories we share with those we love. When we look back, the pain of remembering fades but the joy of the experience always remains." Alex did what she could to reassure her companion that loving was worthwhile.

"Can I bring this with me?" Liv asked quietly, neither conceding nor denying Alex's point.

"Of course you can, sweetie. You can bring anything you want to."


	14. Chapter 14

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**As always, thanks for continuing to read/review this story :) A little light relief for the most part in this chapter. a break from so much grief!**_

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><p><em><strong>Friday May 23<strong>__**rd**__** 2008**_

_**14.57**_

_**Roof of The Egerton Hotel, Midtown**_

"Mr Anderson, please let Mathew go and step away from the edge." Olivia stood stock still in front of the distraught father who was holding his son captive against his body and backing slowly but surely towards a six storey drop from the edge of the fleabag hotel they had been hiding out in. Heights did not usually bother Olivia, she rock climbed in her scant spare time, but she certainly disliked children so close to such drops. She held her hands out in front of herself to show she was no threat, was not brandishing a weapon. Elliot stayed beside the entry way to the roof his weapon drawn and aimed at Anderson. Whilst he did not want to spook the already agitated man any further, he needed to cover his partner and ensure her safety.

"They're going to turn my son against me, they're going to stop me from seeing him." Steve Anderson's despair made him irrational. In his mind, there was only one solution; if he took his son with him over the edge, no one could ever hurt Mathew again and nor could they be separated.

"You were acting in what you thought were your son's best interests, that will be taken into account by the courts," Olivia reasoned, eyes flicking to Mathew who looked frozen in terror.

"You're just saying that to gain my trust. Well it's not going to work, I know fathers never get custody." Anderson shuffled back closer to the precipice.

"That's not true Mr Anderson. Up until now, you have never hurt Mathew, you have tried to do everything you could to protect him. He told you someone was hurting him and you did what any responsible parent would do – you removed him from harm's way. But this _is_ hurting Mathew now. And you're not the type of father who hurts his son. Please Mr Anderson, don't become another man Mathew is scared of. Let him go." Olivia stepped a little closer, seeing her words penetrating the fog surrounding Anderson's frantic mind. She was almost within touching distance of the pair, just a little closer and she might be able to salvage this whole mess.

"You know who hurt my boy? You can prove it?" There was more than a flicker of hope in Anderson's voice, his grip loosening almost imperceptibly on the terrified young boy.

"We do, we know it was his step-father and we're going to make sure he never hurts Mathew or any other child again. Mathew will be safe now but he will need his Dad more than ever, to show him it wasn't his fault, to show him how to be a good and honest man himself. He needs you to be there for him, to continue to be a good role model." Olivia pressed, edging a fraction nearer and then nearer still when Anderson did not back off. Her arms were relaxed by her sides and she held the man's gaze as one hand slipped to release her handcuffs. Deftly, she closed one bracelet around her own wrist. "Please Mr Anderson, let Mathew come to me and then we can figure a way to sort this out." Olivia reached for the boy with her unshackled hand successfully distracting his father momentarily. Elliot watched as time seemed to slow down. Olivia reached for the boy and the father simultaneously. Anderson thrust Mathew at the detective and carried on backwards, off the roof just as Olivia secured the spare bracelet around his wrist. The ex-marine was in motion before he saw Olivia drop to her knees, bracing herself to counter the man's weight and prevent herself and Mathew, who had attached himself to her like a limpet, from following Anderson over the edge. The air was knocked from her lungs as she was slammed into the shallow wall surrounding the rooftop and she had to swallow an agonised cry as she felt her shoulder part company with its socket from the jolt of taking the dead weight dangling from the edge.

"Liv, you ok?" Elliot was beside her almost instantly, peering down into his partner's face concerned for her welfare given the lack of colouring in her normally tanned looking skin.

She gave him a tight nod, regretting it instantly as it jostled her shoulder and collarbone, both of which were screaming at her. "Get Mathew off the roof for me would you, El? And then get Anderson up." The words were uttered through gritted teeth, her pain evident to the man who had worked closely with her for more than ten years. Elliot beckoned over a young female uniformed officer and crouched down so that he was face to face with Mathew.

"Hey buddy, I'm Elliot, I work with this lady detective here. I need you to be a brave man for me and go with this police officer so I can help your daddy, can you do that for me?" Mathew momentarily tightened his grip on Olivia, his tiny hands pressing on a particularly painful spot on her injured shoulder as he hugged her neck but then released his hold and shuffled forwards towards the officer who was to escort him down off the roof. "Good man," Elliot called after him, earning a quick wave from the young boy.

"Can you take his weight but give me a minute before you pull him up?" Olivia knew moving her shoulder would be painful and needed a moment to prepare herself. Their prisoner wasn't going anywhere and judging by his own whimpers was also suffering as a result of Liv's actions.

"We'll go on your signal," Elliot informed her, not needing details to know the woman was fairly badly injured. He reached over the edge of the roof, after anchoring himself securely, and grabbed a fist full of Anderson's shirt in one hand and instructing the man to give him his free hand before gripping that wrist tightly and guiding Anderson to wrap his own hand around Elliot's own thick wrist. "Ok, I've got him, Liv. Whenever you're ready." Liv had felt the dead weight lessen, the burning pain in her wrist easing slightly. She took a deep breath, swallowing down a wave of nausea and closed her eyes. Gritting her teeth, she gave Elliot the go ahead to pull up the man currently dangling from the building. Elliot hauled the father back up on to the roof as though he weighed nothing, not wanting to prolong the agony for his partner. The tiny remaining bit of colour drained from her face as her shoulder was brought back into a more natural position.

Olivia fought the darkness creeping into the edge of her vision, determined not to pass out no matter how much pain she was in. Her entire arm felt like it was being jabbed with red hot needles, her shoulder sitting painfully outside of the socket and the skin on her wrist broken where the metal bracelet had bitten into her . She could only dare to fear what other damage had been wrought as a consequence of her determination to save both the child and his father. She made to get to her feet but a fresh wave of nausea convinced her it was more prudent to remain where she was. She was vaguely aware of Elliot calling for EMT's to attend to her and Anderson but the world seemed to be receding rapidly despite her best efforts to remain focused and alert.

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><p><em><strong>Friday May 23<strong>__**rd**__** 2008**_

_**16.23**_

_**Mercy General Emergency Room**_

"Where is she?" Alex demanded of Elliot who was reluctantly heading back to the precinct with Anderson in tow, freshly bandaged and with his arm in a sling.

"Through there," Elliot thumbed over his shoulder. "I gotta get this guy back and take his statement. You ok to make sure she's alright for getting home?"

"Of course, I'll take care of it," Alex assured him, knowing how much he would have preferred to hover over the female detective protectively. She was rather glad he was leaving, it would make battling with Olivia's carers easier to ensure Samia would be granted access to her lover and be kept informed of her condition. Olivia had insisted on speaking to Alex on the phone before she accepted treatment following her doctor's refusal to contact her girlfriend on the grounds that she was not a recognised next of kin and therefore had no rights to information regarding Liv's condition. Alex intended to approach the subject of drawing up legally binding papers for Olivia which would ensure that such things would not happen in future, knowing that the two women considered themselves to be family. The blonde attorney watched Elliot's retreating form, making sure he was gone before she strode over to the floor desk and demanded to speak with the physician in charge of Olivia Benson's care.

"Ms Cabot, how can I help you?" A young woman in a pristine white lab coat approached the attorney, a polite smile plastered on her face that entirely failed to reach her eyes.

"I'd like to see Detective Olivia Benson and I'd like to know what her condition is." Alex's voice was steady but cool, her polished tones even more precise than usual.

"I'm afraid Detective Benson is undergoing treatment just now and unable to accept visitors. If you'd like to wait in the waiting area, I'll make sure someone comes to get you when she is ready to see people." The doctor turned to leave, mentally having dismissed the blonde woman.

"Dr… I'm sorry what did you say your name was?" Alex questioned directly, knowing full well that the woman had not introduced herself and Alex refused to be forced to read it on a name badge.

"Dr Sullivan."

"Well Dr Sullivan, perhaps I did not make myself clear. I am Assistant District Attorney, Alexandra Cabot. I need to speak with Detective Benson urgently regarding a case we are currently prosecuting." Alex's gaze never wavered, even as she blatantly lied to the doctor.

"I empathise with you, Ms Cabot, but Detective Benson will not be of any use to you until the medication given to her wears off. I will make sure you are able to see her just as soon as possible." The doctor turned to leave once more, leaving a very frustrated Alex in her wake, but another voice stopped the woman in her tracks.

"Excuse me doctor, my son would like to give the detective who rescued him this picture he drew for her." Dr Sullivan turned, preparing to give the woman the same speech. Alex saw the disinterest in her eyes and stepped in before she could open her mouth.

"Perhaps I could pass it on to Olivia for him when I see her?" The almost skeletal brunette nodded her approval to Alex's solution and encouraged her son forward to pass on the drawing. The doctor drifted away without another word, returning to her previous position at the nurse's station, exchanging idle gossip and flirting with a rugged looking male dressed in surgical scrubs. Alex crouched down beside the young boy who was clutching a colourful piece of paper where he stood, partially hidden behind his mother's legs. "Hi, I'm Alex, Olivia's my friend too."

"'Tective 'Livya's a superhero, jus' like Superman, 'cept she's a girl. She saveded my daddy when he couldn't fly off the roof," Mathew informed Alex with a shy smile, looking up at her in wide eyed wonder from beneath his shaggy blonde fringe.

"She did huh? Wow, she sounds kinda special," Alex stifled a small laugh and smiled fondly at the boy's description of her friend's actions, glad to see he didn't appear to have been traumatised too badly by seeing his father try to take his own life.

Mathew nodded seriously, holding the paper out for Alex to take, "I drawed her a picture."

"That is a beautiful picture, Mathew, I'll make sure Olivia gets it as soon as I can. I'm sure she will love it." Alex was surprised when the slender boy wrapped his arms around her and placed a sloppy kiss against her cheek.

"You give her that too?" He asked hopefully.

"I will," Alex informed him gently, standing up straight again as she watched mother and son walk away, the boy holding tightly to his mom's hand as though afraid she might disappear without him. She looked down at the brightly finished drawing, recognising Mathew attached to Olivia's hip as his 'superhero' flew through the air, a man she presumed to be Mathew's father, Steve Anderson, held firmly in Olivia's outstretched arm.

"Should I be jealous?" The voice in her ear startled Alex out of her reverie.

"Sam! You really shouldn't sneak up on people, you know!" Alex admonished gently, briefly hugging the younger woman who was fast becoming a firm friend. "Olivia has an admirer, but don't worry, I think your place in her heart is safe…he's only five."

Sam peered at the drawing, barking out a laugh as she took in the black leather jacket that was doubling as a cape as her girlfriend soared in the sky, saving the young boy from his demons. "Well I always knew she was my hero, guess the rest of the world is just catching on," the blonde teacher joked. Her expression turned more serious as she focused on their reason for being at the hospital. "Have you managed to find out how she is?"

"No, the doctors won't tell me anything either but I did manage to wheedle out of them that Liv's been medicated and is currently undergoing some kind of treatment," Alex replied, letting out a frustrated sigh and motioning for Sam to join her sitting in the waiting area.

"Treatment's better than surgery, right? That means whatever it is, it's not too bad doesn't it?" Sam sounded unsure and Alex realised that this was her first real taste of the dangers Liv faced in her job.

"It is and they're in no hurry to find out who her next of kin is so I'm sure she's fine." Alex reached for the younger woman's hand squeezing it lightly and resting their joined palms in the nook between their knees. Nervous tension rolled off the blonde teacher in waves, despite Alex's assurances, a testament to how deep her connection with the detective was. The not knowing for certain her lover was ok was driving the dynamic woman to distraction.

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><p><em><strong>Friday May 23<strong>__**rd**__** 2008**_

_**16.39**_

_**Mercy General Emergency Room**_

"Ms Cabot?" Dr Sullivan approached the blonde attorney, casting a distasteful glance in the direction of her hand where it lay still entwined with Sam's. Seeing that she had her audience's attention, the ER doctor continued, "you can visit with Detective Benson for a few minutes now but I doubt you'll get anything coherent out of her which will assist your work." Alex rose from the uncomfortable plastic seat, pulling Samia along with her. "I'm afraid we will have to restrict it to one visitor at the moment," Dr Sullivan attempted, not even bothering to hide her contempt for the other woman.

"Dr Sullivan, this is Olivia's partner and she _will_ be visiting Detective Benson with me or I will make life very uncomfortable for you and your colleagues. You might have heard of William Harriman, Judge William Harriman? I believe he is a very generous contributor to this hospital's funds. If Uncle Bill were to hear about the way you obstruct your patients from seeing their loved ones at a time when they need comfort most, I'm sure he would reconsider his position." Sam tried very hard to smother her smirk as she listened to Alex effectively dress down the doctor in the crowded waiting room without ever raising her tone above her usual quiet speaking voice.

"There really is no need for threats, Ms Cabot. I was merely stating hospital policy to restrict the number of visitors a patient sees if their physician deems it detrimental to their well being for more than one person to be at their bedside," Dr Sullivan bristled haughtily.

"Fine, I can wait then. Please take Ms Camanetti to see her partner, I'm sure her presence will be far more beneficial to Detective Benson's recovery than my own would be." Alex refused to back down to the blatant smoke screening of discrimination, daring the doctor to challenge her further and strengthening her resolve to have papers lodged on Olivia's record to reflect that Samia was her next of kin and should be treated as such. Alex passed the drawing Mathew had done to Liv's lover indicating the discussion was over.

With an agitated huff, Dr Sullivan barked at Samia for her to follow her through to Olivia's room. Liv's girlfriend caught Alex's eye as she walked past and mouthed a thank you at her earning a wink in response and Samia realised that the poor doctor had never stood a chance, playing directly into Alex's hands. Every time she spent any time with the attorney, Sam realised why Olivia had been so keen to reconnect with her. Alex was a force to be reckoned with, that much was a given, but she was also fiercely loyal to her friends, caring, compassionate, witty and generous with both her time and her seemingly unlimited funds without being flashy. Alex simply had a way of making things happen.

"Five minutes then we'll have to ask you to let Detective Benson rest." Dr Sullivan turned on her heel and left without waiting for a response. It was clear that despite her gaining access to her lover, she was not being invited to ask any questions about her condition. Sam's gaze fell on the prone figure lying in the bed, wrist in a back-slab and her entire arm contained within a sling to keep it immobile. The normally sharp chocolate eyes were clouded with medication but a lazy smile still broke across Olivia's face as she saw who had come to see her.

"Hey pretty lady!" Olivia giggled girlishly, a sound so totally out of character for her it momentarily threw Sam.

"Liv?"

"I sure will, I'll do anything you ask me to," Liv beamed, trying to wink but ending up scrunching her whole face up in a very comical blink.

"Sweet talker!" Sam laughed before her face twisted into a devilish grin, "so you'll do anything I ask will you?" She sidled closer to the bed, positioning herself on the non-bandaged side and taking her lover's hand between both of her own.

"So long as it involves you and me spending eternity together, you betcha I will." The blonde teacher decided she kind of liked high Olivia, there was no barrier to her adorable honesty.

"Baby, you don't need to be in a hospital bed for me to promise to be here always and forever. For as long there is breath in my body, I will be beside you in my heart, my body and my soul." Sam punctuated her words with gentle kisses to each of Olivia's cheeks, to her forehead and finally to the tip of her cute nose, avoiding the lips she so wanted to devour and earning herself the most adorable sullen pout from the detective. "I brought something to show you. Seems you're a superhero to more people than just me," Sam made to bring up the drawing Mathew had given Alex.

"Ah but only you get the spidey kiss," Olivia quipped giddily, causing her lover to laugh out loud, drawing the attention of the nurse across the ward who scowled slightly at the women.

"I'm very glad to hear it," Sam admonished gently before drawing Liv's attention back to the picture she had propped up on her midriff. "Mathew was quite insistent you had this for saving his daddy." Liv's eyes fell on the child's drawing and she gently extricated her hand, running soft fingers over the figures in the picture with an expression of pure wonder on her face. Sam ran her own nimble fingers through Olivia's hair, effectively cuddling the detective's head close to her bosom, needing her own physical connection to her lover to prove to herself she was indeed alright.

"Well don't you two look the picture of a happy family?" Two sets of eyes, one startled, the other blurry, focused on the speaker.

"Alex?" Sam's expression changed to confusion as the attorney slipped into the room.

"Ooh another pretty lady! Hey 'Lex," Liv murmured feeling herself getting lost in the gentle ministrations her lover was lavishing on her scalp.

Alex spared Olivia an amused glance and waved at the detective before she moved to reassure the teacher, "it's ok, Dr Sullivan said I could come back for a few minutes. Seems the hospital administrators got word of my suggestion I could damage Uncle Bill's support of this place and told her to talk to me and make nice with me." She watched as Samia relaxed back against the head of the bed, Liv's head lolling closer and closer to resting on her breast, eyes drooping. "Looks like they've got her on some pretty good stuff!"

"She's been priceless, I can't wait for her to get better so I can tease her mercilessly about it!" Sam retorted jovially. "So did you find out what my superhero here has been doing to herself? I don't get the impression she's in much of a fit state to fill me in herself."

"She has a hairline fracture of her collarbone and both bones in her wrist have fractures but they're clean breaks that don't need surgery. Her shoulder was dislocated and with her other injuries, they had to sedate her to get it back into the socket, hence spaced out Liv. Apparently, she'll need physical therapy and it will take time for her to regain full strength and use of her arm but they're not expecting any lasting damage. Looks like she'll be on desk duty for a good few weeks though." Sam groaned, realising how much that would irritate the dynamic detective who thrived on being an integral part of every investigation she was involved in. "I know, I can only imagine how that's going to go down when she sobers up enough to realise it." Alex tilted her head on one side, looking fondly at the now sleeping detective whose head had indeed found its way to rest against the side of her lover's breast.

"Does she have to stay in hospital overnight?" The question was directed at Alex but answered by another voice.

"Not so long as Detective Benson is not left alone. She will need to make sure she keeps her shoulder as still as possible for the next two weeks so someone will need to assist her with dressing and personal care, that sort of thing. We will arrange for her physical therapy appointment to be sent to her home address. I've written up a script for pain relief for her that I would advise her to take three times daily for the first two days and then twice daily for a further week. After that, she should be able to take them only when the pain warrants it." Dr Sullivan handed the bottle of tablets to Alex who slipped them into her purse without flourish. "As soon as the sedative has worn off properly, Ms Benson will be free to leave. One of you may sit with her until she wakes up if you wish to." It was obvious that the woman was only offering because she had been forced to by unseen people higher up the food chain but Alex would take any small victory.

"I'll wait for you in the waiting room Sam, when you're ready, I'll help you get Liv home." Alex slipped back out of the door without waiting to hear if the young teacher had any argument to her plan. Sam noticed Dr Sullivan have a quiet word in the ear of one of the nurses who wheeled a stool over and positioned it beside Olivia's bed for Sam to sit on while she waited on her lover waking up.

"Thank you," she said, grateful to be allowed to be there despite not having any legal standing given the nature of their relationship. The nurse favoured her with a small but genuine smile and a slight nod. In the quietness of the room, Sam's thoughts turned back to Alex's comment as she had entered, upon seeing herself and Olivia looking affectionately over the childish drawing. With a flutter in her chest, she realised that she could definitely envisage being a mom with Olivia, knowing the detective would make a fantastic parent. As Olivia slept, she allowed herself to dream of a miniature version of the brunette running about and keeping them on their toes, wreaking havoc as he or she played the superhero. The thought made her smile serenely, an expression of total adoration plastered to her face as she kept watch over her slumbering lover.

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><p><em><strong>Saturday February 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**12.16**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex looked over at where Olivia rested on the couch, seeing the detective gazing unseeingly at the orchid, her expression unreadable once again. When they had returned to her apartment, Alex had insisted on running Liv a hot bath to chase away the last of the cold she had exposed herself to and then got the older woman settled on the couch wrapped up in the throw which was always on the back of the sofa.

"How about I make us something light for lunch and we stick a movie on?" Distraction was to be the key in Alex's plan. She hoped she could find enough ways to make the difficult day pass for the brunette and ease her suffering in some tiny way.

"I'm not really hungry but you go ahead." Olivia pulled the cover closer around her, yearning to drink herself into oblivion so she could escape from the dull pain buried deep within her.

"Liv, you need to eat," Alex began only to be cut off.

"You're not my damn mother, Alex." The brunette shrugged off the throw and stormed from the room, retreating into her bedroom and shutting the door firmly.

"Guess we've hit the anger stage then," Alex mumbled to herself quietly as she set about brewing a pot of coffee and considered what she wanted to eat herself.

Olivia sat on the edge of the bed in Alex's spare room, mentally berating herself for snapping at the young woman who had given over her home to Liv. But there was a burning hatred beginning to flame into life inside of her, a raging anger at the injustice of the situation. Elliot could keep his God, Olivia had no time for any Deity who could offer a glimpse of happiness only to allow it to be snatched away in the cruellest of manners. That wasn't the mark of a benevolent god in Olivia's mind. She wanted to lash out, to hit something, to punish someone or something for her pain. She wanted to keep hitting until her knuckles bled and then hit some more just for good measure. She wanted to scream and shout and yell at the world about how unfair it was that Sam wasn't alive to share in what should have been one of the most joyful days of Olivia's life.

"_Every day is a gift baby, every day we have on this earth we have to make the most of it, of each precious moment."_

Sam's words rang clear in Olivia's mind. They had come during a discussion following a particularly gruelling case, a case which had seen the detective attempt to withdraw from everyone around her, fearing her presence in their lives would only lead to pain and suffering for them. Olivia had wondered aloud how some people kept going, no matter what was inflicted upon them and that had been Sam's answer. At the time Olivia had thought the words glib, the sentiment sweet but inappropriately simplistic. In that moment however, Olivia suddenly understood that it was exactly that kind of optimism which kept people going through their darkest hours. It was also what had drawn Olivia to the young teacher in the first place. The thought of how she had treated Alex crowded her subconscious, making her restless and uneasy. Thinking back on the plans she had made for that day, a way to apologise to Alex formed in her mind. She allowed herself a tiny smile as she considered how Sam would have approved of her idea.

Alex sat quietly at the dining table, looking over her schedule for the week and making notes on the cases she had penned on the docket to remind her of what preparation still needed doing. She heard a door open in the apartment and braced herself for hearing the front door following suit but it never came. Instead, she heard steady footprints padding through the apartment.

"Al?" There was a tinge of anxiety in the voice as it called out to the attorney.

"Through here, Liv." Alex responded using the detective's pet name, reserved only for those she cared about, to show there were no hard feelings following her earlier outburst.

"I thought maybe you'd left," the brunette murmured softly, slipping into a chair beside the young blonde.

"No, just doing a little prep for next week," Alex replied, turning to look at the woman now seated beside her, body angled towards her.

"I wouldn't have blamed you if you did. Leave, I mean. I shouldn't have snapped at you, I know you're only trying to help and I do appreciate it, really I do." Olivia ran a hand through her shaggy hair, not so sure her master plan was such a great idea now it came to actually vocalising it to her friend.

"No need to apologise, I should know when to back off and give you some space." Alex reached over and squeezed the detective's closest hand gently before sitting back in her chair and twiddling a pencil between her fingers.

"Well I think I do need to apologise. You have been so great to me; you've opened up your home, you've been there for me every step of the way, you've put up with me. I really don't feel like staying in tonight, I'll only spend the evening dwelling on Sam not being here. Weeks ago, I made reservations at Eduardo's, would you… I mean I'm sure you already have plans for this evening…" Liv trailed off, fidgeting with the edge of the table in front of her.

"You'd like for us to go out to dinner tonight to Eduardo's?" Alex placed her glasses down on the folder on the table next to her, looking evenly at her house guest.

"It's ok, forget I mentioned it, it's a stupid idea, of course you have plans already, why would you not, you're a beautiful woman…" Alex forestalled any more of Olivia's ramblings with a gentle finger against her lips.

"Liv, honey, I don't have any plans for this evening that don't involve take out. I think it's a lovely idea. I just want to make sure that you're really okay with the idea of taking another woman to the restaurant you had planned to dine at with your partner. I understand you want to be distracted and maybe you feel that being around a lot of other people is what you need but is a restaurant on Valentine's Day really the right kind of distraction? Won't that just drive home that I'm not Sam?" Alex was genuinely concerned.

"There isn't anything that can make the fact that she's gone any more real than it already is to me, Alex. I know it will be hard, I know it will hurt but I am also sure that it is what Sam would want me to do. She wanted me to keep living, to embrace every day that I am alive and live it to its fullest. I lose sight of that at times but there's always a memory of her that reminds me. Please Alex, share a meal and a bottle of wine with me and let's use it to celebrate Sam's life, to celebrate the fact that we're both here, that we're back to being friends despite circumstances conspiring to keep us apart. I don't really care what we celebrate but please, help me choose to live." There were tears in the blonde's cobalt blue eyes as Olivia completed her plea.

"I'd be honoured to share this evening with you." Alex leaned forward and wrapped her friend in a warm, comforting hug, rubbing her back gently as she struggled to compose herself.


	15. Chapter 15

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**Thanks, as always for the reviews of the last chapter and I'll waste no further time other than to say yes, you do get to read about the dinner... ;)**_

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><p><em><strong>Saturday February 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**18.43**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Liv looked at herself in the full length mirror one last time. She had settled on a pair of smart black pants and a vibrant turquoise button down shirt with white camisole top beneath it. She cast a critical eye over her image deciding it was satisfactory; the blue of the shirt complimented her olive skin, the black pants fit snugly to her curves, the heels on her highly polished black boots accentuating her strong, toned calves. She grabbed her tan suede jacket to complete the outfit and strode out into the lounge to await Alex, feeling Sam's presence with her like a comforting blanket surrounding her.

"Wow, Liv, you look great! That colour really suits you," Alex purred as she spied the detective's outfit, raking her eyes the entire length of the athletic body before she could reign herself in. Olivia watched the open appreciation and felt a distinct thrill at the response to her chosen attire. She shook it off, dismissing it as simply being an organic reaction to having someone so freely admiring her, especially someone as drop dead gorgeous as Alexandra Cabot. The brunette allowed her own eyes to take in the stunning attorney, standing before her in the entrance to the lounge.

"You look amazing too," Olivia told her sincerely. Amazing was an understatement actually, Alex looked radiant yet understatedly elegant. Her own button down shirt was a deep purple with sheer sleeves encasing her milky, toned arms. Her pants were the colour of cream and showed her long, slender legs off to their absolute best. Her dainty feet were resting in shiny black court shoes with a heel high enough to give her a height advantage over the detective but not so high as to cause a hazard on the slippery sidewalks. Over her arm was draped a long, flowing black jacket made of soft, supple leather. There was no mistaking that they would make a dashing couple that evening and likely turn more than one head.

Alex blushed a little as Olivia continued to hold her gaze, looking at her with undisguised admiration. She shrugged on her jacket, buttoning up against the cold winter's evening chill and grabbing her purse. "The cab should be here any moment, shall we wait in the lobby?"

Olivia followed suit, slipping into her own jacket and pulling it around her. She slipped a tan scarf around her neck to fend off the worst of the cold and motioned for Alex to take the lead as they left the apartment.

The cab ride was quiet, a few murmured snippets of small talk breaking the comfortable silence between the two women, with even the driver seeming to sense it would be wiser to keep his peace. They arrived at Eduardo's restaurant a quarter of an hour before their reservation was due to open up. Bypassing the steadily growing queue outside, Olivia gave her name to the maître d' and they were shown into the snug bar area to wait. Alex looked out of the window at the miserable faces of some of the women who were queuing to get in to the popular eatery and wondered how many of those relationships would last to see another Valentine's Day. She was certain that stipulations, such as making reservations in advance, would be becoming unwritten rules for many of the men currently receiving the cold shoulder from their other halves on the frigid sidewalk.

"What can I get you ladies to drink?" The bartender asked them jovially, his deep brown eyes alive and twinkling.

"Alex, what would you like?" Olivia was behaving like a true gentleman, deferring to Alex and had even ushered her through the door to the restaurant ahead of herself.

"A white wine spritzer would be lovely, thank you," Alex responded with a smile in the barkeep's direction. He acknowledged her with a quick nod and turned his attention back to the brooding brunette.

"And I'll have a Jack Daniels on the rocks please." Faced with so many other obvious couples, Olivia felt the need for a little Dutch courage to get her through the meal. "I hope you don't mind Mexican food," she mentioned to her companion as the swarthy, dark haired bartender turned away and began to fix their drinks.

"Not at all, I love Mexican," Alex assured the brunette with a genuine smile. "I've been wondering about trying this place for a while but never had an excuse to."

"Excellent, well tonight can be a celebration all round then and I hope that the reality of dining here matches your expectations." Olivia raised the glass, which had been set down beside her, in a toast to the evening ahead. The amber liquid swirled in the bottom of the tumbler, crashing over the chunks of ice like waves against the shore. Alex demurely raised her own wine goblet, silently tilting her head as she joined in Olivia's toast.

"I'm sure it will be wonderful." Alex was indeed sure that the evening ahead would be memorable, hopefully for all the right reasons. She still harboured a few reservations regarding Liv's plan to distract herself but had vowed to herself that she would make the most of sharing a meal on Valentine's Day with someone whom she considered to be the most gorgeous woman in the whole of New York. She looked around the restaurant, taking in the tasteful yet authentic décor. It was little wonder the place was so popular judging by the tantalising scents wafting through from the kitchen and Alex placed a hand across her stomach as it growled appreciatively in anticipation.

"So Alex, tell me, how were your last few Valentine's Days spent?" Olivia was genuinely interested to hear more about Alex's life during their years apart.

"Hmm let's see, my first year in Witsec was spent in my house in Wisconsin with a takeout meal for one and more bottles of wine than I care to remember. The second year I went out to a bar and hooked up with a stranger, we had drunken and very unfulfilling sex in a car. Needless to say I never saw him again. Third year, at my apartment in Arizona alone again. Fourth and fifth followed that same pattern at different 'homes' in San Diego and New York respectively. Sixth year, Robert took me to his family's place in the mountains for a long weekend which turned out to be a disaster – he tried to cook a meal for us and ended up having to call the fire department to come and tame the grill! Seventh year, well I'm still waiting to see how that one turns out." Alex was happy to share details of her years in the program with Liv, knowing it could only serve to bring them closer again.

"Sounds lonely," Liv murmured, her face reflecting her concern at the thought of Alex spending so much time alone on days made for sharing with those a person cared about. "You were moved around quite a lot after the Connors' trial then? Must have made it hard to form any kinds of relationships or even friendships."

"I think Agent Hammond figured by moving me fairly often they could better guarantee my safety but yes, it became pointless to even try to form more than a loose bond with anyone I met because I never knew when I'd be ripped from that life too. And if I didn't let anyone through the walls I'd built around me, I didn't have to remember which name I was supposed to answer to so often. I ended up so confused as to whether I was Emily or Alison or Jeanette or Sarah that it was easier just to be alone. Good job I don't mind my own company too much." Alex remembered the number of times she had been torn from people's lives with no chance or hope of saying goodbye or explaining to them why she had to leave.

"Did you meet anyone in the program you wish you could have stayed in touch with? What about the claims adjuster you mentioned when you were back for Connors' trial?" Olivia asked, sipping her drink slowly.

"Steve? No, there was no chemistry there in truth. I wasn't too sorry that I couldn't go back to him after the trial ended. I was ready to leave Emily behind. Those few days of being Alex again reminded me that I didn't need to be timid all the time, I didn't need to be always looking over my shoulder – I had the whole of Hammond's team doing that for me. Alison was a whole different person entirely, more free and more willing to be open to reaching out to others. I did make some good friends there, one in particular that I've been thinking about contacting but I wasn't sure it was such a good idea. She had a son whom she had christened while I was in Arizona, a son to whom I'm God-mother, or at least Alison is…was. Anyway, I'd like to reconnect with her and see if she still wants to give me the time of day. Greg will be almost six years old now. I've often thought about them. But when I was forced to leave there in the early hours of one morning because of a 'credible threat' to my identity that Hammond had received, the pain of leaving them behind reminded me so much of leaving you and Elliot that night, so I closed myself off again, not out of fear for my life this time, rather fear for my heart. I didn't think I could take hurting that much again and since I was only Jeanette for the grand total of four months, I'm glad I didn't let myself get close to anyone in Chicago. San Diego was a longer stay, I was there over twelve months before Agent Hammond came to tell me I could go home." Alex fiddled with her wine glass as she spoke, twisting it round in a circle on the bar by its stem, eyes focused on it intently.

"You should reconnect with your friend and Godson from Arizona Al, life's too short to let it slip you by. If Sam's death has taught me nothing else, it has sure as anything rammed that point home to me. We have to make the most of what life throws at us and grab the chances that come our way whenever we can. Soon as I get myself together and I can get back to some kind of normal routine, that's what I intend to do." Olivia hoped she sounded sure of herself, more sure than she felt anyway. She doubted that anything would rid her of the darkness which had become a permanent companion in her soul but that didn't mean she wanted Alex or any of her friends to let their own lives slip quietly by because they were too afraid to take a chance. Little did she know that Alex had no intention of letting Olivia give in to her fears and remain an impassive neutral in life's toils forever more either.

"We'll see, maybe this will be the year when I finally pick up the phone and call Beverley. I'll just have to hope she's willing to forgive me for my silence all this time." Alex pondered how the young woman she had befriended might react, knowing that liars were not a breed she was particularly fond of.

"Well I forgave you and I'm sure Beverley can't possibly be as stubborn and as obstinate as me!" Olivia smiled brightly, determined to lift her friend's mood. She wanted the evening to be light hearted, she dared not stray into maudlin territory again lest she sank back into the blackness which had enveloped her that morning.

"Ladies, if you'll follow me please, your table is ready." The young Hispanic waiter paused to make sure his guests were about to follow him before striding through the restaurant and showing them to a table tucked away in a quiet alcove, away from the hustle and bustle of the main thoroughfare. He pulled Alex's chair out for her and went to do the same for Olivia but found that the detective was already seated. "Could I get you some more drinks while you choose your menu for this evening?"

"Could we have a bottle of the Californian rioja please?" Olivia answered for them, knowing Alex loved her red wine every bit as much as the brunette herself did and knew from experience that that was a particularly succulent drink. With a cursory 'of course' the waiter left them to mull over their options for food. "I hope you don't mind me presuming you wanted to share a bottle of wine," Olivia mentioned, suddenly worried that Alex may have taken offence to her ordering without consulting her.

"Of course not, I always order wine with a meal so if you hadn't I'd have been asking to see the wine list!" Alex smiled gently at her dinner companion, letting her eyes linger just a little longer than necessary as her brain wandered into dangerous territory of dreaming what it would be like to share a romantic meal with sultry detective as the keeper of her heart.

"I can highly recommend the chicken enchiladas, I had them last time I was here, they were divine." Olivia scanned the menu, knowing she would likely opt for having the same again, not because she wasn't adventurous with her food, simply because she had enjoyed them so much on her previous visit.

"Sounds like something I need to try then," Alex murmured, knowing anything that pleased Olivia was more than likely bound to satisfy her appetite too.

"I'm sure pretty much everything on the menu here would be excellent, don't let me deter you from trying something else." Olivia closed her menu and placed it on the table in front of her.

"No, no, they sound perfect. Are you a starter girl or do you prefer to leave room for dessert?" Alex queried, eying up both the choice of starter dishes and sumptuous desserts available.

"Well now that depends entirely on the dessert being offered!" Olivia accompanied her quip with a saucy wink directed at her blonde companion who rapidly focused intently on her menu as she felt a blush creeping across her cheeks.

After a few moments, when she had regained her composure, Alex sent a wry smile in Olivia's direction and told her, "I walked into that one."

"Yes you did, Counsellor. But to answer your question, I'm happy to go with either. If you want we can share a starter and a dessert, that way we get the best of both without having to blow an entire week's calories. I'm not sure I'm up to running the entire way round Central Park just yet to burn off a full three course meal."

"Sure, sounds good to me. So what can you recommend in the way of appetisers then?" Alex asked, still trying to recover her wits after Olivia's none too subtly flirtatious remark. She had fears that it would be difficult to keep the lines of fantasy and reality from blurring if the brunette kept up that kind of behaviour.

"I'll let you pick the starter since I seem to have influenced your choice of main," Olivia informed the attorney, glad that she had talked Alex into coming out for the meal.

"Ok, loaded potato skins it is then." Alex closed her menu and passed it to Olivia who had held out her hand to take it and place it on top of her own menu.

"Ladies, your wine. Would you care to taste it, ma'am?" Their waiter addressed the question to Olivia and Alex conceded she was unsure if it was because the older woman had ordered or simply in respect of her looking the more 'butch' out of them. As she considered that, she realised that she had no concerns or apprehensions regarding being seen dining in public on a romantic holiday with another woman. It hadn't even crossed her mind to be worried about the political implications or the impact it might have on her career should she be seen. That fact in itself told her a lot about how much she had changed and grown during her time in Witsec and also how important the woman seated across the table from her was to her for Liv to be not only her primary focus for the evening but her only one. Alex feared she was headed into stormy waters. Unrequited love always caused pain.

"That's fine, thank you." Olivia was telling the waiter as Alex tuned back in to the present.

"Are you ready to order or should I give you a few more minutes?"

"Could we have the loaded potato skins to share please and two of the chicken enchiladas? And can we have a side order of Southern fries as well please?" Olivia placed their order as Alex picked up her wine glass and sipped the rich ruby liquid, feeling it trace a pleasantly warming path down her throat. Their waiter left, leaving the two women in companionable silence.

"This wine is amazing," Alex murmured, looking over her glass at Olivia who, in the dim light of the restaurant, looked even more stunningly beautiful than usual. Her makeup was natural and scarce; the cuts and grazes on her face from the explosion mostly healed or as near as damn-it; her rich, chocolate eyes looked like endless pools of onyx, their depths limitless and enticing; her hair was tamed to look stylishly tousled, an effect Alex knew took time but appeared effortless.

Olivia raised her own glass in a fresh toast, "let's drink to life; to all those who share in our triumphs, our achievements, our happiness and our sorrow and to those who live life to its fullest even if they are snatched away too soon."

"To the amazing people who we're lucky enough to know, no matter how long we know them for, who touch our lives and leave an everlasting impression," Alex rejoined, hoisting her goblet and clinking it against Liv's. Both ladies took a long swig of their wine, savouring its flavours and richness and feeling the alcohol seeping into their veins.

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><p><em><strong>Saturday February 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**22.43**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Olivia leant against the doorframe as Alex fumbled a little with the keys to let them in. The ladies had managed to sink a full bottle of wine each plus a liqueur coffee over the course of their meal. Subsequently, both were feeling the buzz from the alcohol. Olivia had had an enjoyable evening, far more so than she had imagined would be possible. Alex had been the perfect companion, letting her share some of the happier memories she had of her time with Sam and then switching the conversation to less weighty topics when she sensed Liv becoming at all maudlin. They had laughed about past arguments they themselves had battled through regarding cases, teasing one another mercilessly about their matching stubbornness. Alex had regaled Olivia with some tales of her work during her Witsec incarceration; of how she had learned that she was an utterly disorganised and ineffective tutor but had found a talent for boring captive museum-goers with endless facts and statistics regarding historical displays. When they finally managed to gain entry into the apartment, Olivia found herself reluctant to end the evening but knew that Alex had to get up early for work in the morning. Olivia herself had another few days off before she was getting back to the daily grind, a few days she hoped would soon pass as she yearned for the constant distraction of work to occupy her mind.

"You want to put a movie on or something? Unwind on the couch for a while before we try to sleep?" Alex appeared, not for the first time that evening, to read Olivia's mind, a skill which both intrigued and alarmed the detective who normally prided herself on keeping her guard up enough to be unreadable.

"Sure. Mind if I change into pyjama's first? I'm feeling a little full after all that food!" Olivia grinned as she patted her stomach lightly, puffing her cheeks out in jest.

"Fabulous idea! I'll meet you back on the couch in a few minutes." Alex kicked her shoes off and turned to head into her own room.

Before she could wander too far, Olivia grabbed hold of her arm and pulled her in close, wrapping her arms around Alex's slender waist and enveloping her in a gentle hug. "Thank you for tonight, Al. You have no idea how much it's meant to me."

"It was a pleasure, Liv. I've really enjoyed your company. Thank you for persuading me it was a good idea to go out." Alex cocked her head to one side, offering a gentle lopsided smile to her companion. Both women lost themselves in each other's eyes for long moments, still holding one another in the loose circle of their arms mutually resting in the hollow at each other's small of their back. Alex felt the air becoming charged with something different, a kind of tension which crackled and fizzled dangerously. She knew she should look away, that it was not the right time, not by a long shot, to be venturing into that kind of territory with Olivia. Doing just that was proving rather more difficult however. No matter how much her brain was screaming at her to move away, look away, do something, anything to break the spell being woven between them, her eyes and body refused to obey, drifting only so far as to focus on extremely kissable lips mere inches away from her.

Olivia felt the magnetic pull of attraction holding her captive in Alex's arms. Her eyes were locked onto the blonde woman's own and when those dazzling blue orbs drifted downwards to fix on Liv's lips, a surge of adrenalin shot through the detective's core. Her heart began to pound a little harder, her hands itched to bury themselves in the flaxen hair, her suddenly parched lips parted of their own accord and she was vaguely aware of her tongue running over them, trying to moisten them once again. She watched Alex's eyes flutter briefly at the sight, a new flood of desire surging through Olivia's veins as the younger woman trembled slightly in her arms. She felt as though she were watching herself from across the room, her body reacting on impulse alone as her head dipped lower, closer, narrowing the gap between her lips and Alex's oh-so-tempting mouth.

The movement of Olivia's head startled Alex from her inaction. Every part of her was on fire but her mind was still screaming that it was too soon, it would be a terrible mistake that may cost them their friendship and their working relationship too. She pulled out of Liv's embrace with a shaky smile. "I'd better go get changed or it'll be too late to watch anything." Without waiting for a response, Alex turned and fled swiftly into the sanctuary of her room, sinking on to the bed and letting out a ragged sigh at what had very nearly just happened, at what she had almost allowed to happen and at the realisation of how much she had _wanted_ it to happen. She ran her fingertips lightly across her lips, imagining them to be Olivia's own lips and felt a shudder of pure desire course through her. Perhaps it was the romance of the evening, perhaps it was the alcohol, perhaps it had been the vision of Olivia in the dim light of the restaurant head thrown back and laughing carelessly, Alex couldn't be sure but something about that evening had pushed her attraction to the sultry brunette into a higher gear. She sighed heavily, feeling the need for a cold shower but knowing she didn't have time. The attorney had to hope that a strong mug of something hot and non-alcoholic would lift the images from her brain that were currently taunting her mercilessly. Pulling open a drawer in her dresser, Alex grabbed a fresh, clean pair of adorable but definitely not sexy pyjamas and set about the task of changing.

Olivia stood in front of the full length mirror looking at herself in shock and no small trace of disgust. Barely a week since she had watched her lover be killed in a most brutal fashion and yet there she had been moments earlier, considering kissing another woman. And not just any woman but her closest and dearest friend, Alex. She cringed as she considered what a disaster may have unfolded had she allowed herself to complete that particular lapse in judgement. Even if she herself was in the right frame of mind to be pursuing another relationship – which she knew she wouldn't for many months, possibly years, if ever – Alex would never be interested in someone like her. For a start, Alex seemed to prefer the company of men. Not to mention her being a trust fund baby, born with a bank balance bigger than Olivia could ever hope to amass in her entire lifetime. And then there were the work implications of Alex dating a detective in the squad she primarily worked with – one of them would have to leave the job they loved and that kind of thing was bound to add tension and strain to a relationship. Olivia didn't even want to consider the political ramifications for Alex's career if it were to become public knowledge she was dating a lowly woman detective. She knew that Sam would have told her to be happy, consequences be damned but that was not Olivia's style. She wouldn't ever put her own potential happiness above the welfare of others.

"Stop being an ass," she told her reflection haughtily before turning away, unable to bear the sight of herself any longer. She grabbed her yoga pants and sleeveless t-shirt which were her current sleep attire and busied herself with shedding the outfit she had taken so much care to prepare hours earlier.

Olivia was already seated on the sofa in the dark lounge, staring absently out of the large panoramic window, when Alex appeared from her bedroom.

"I'm going to put the kettle on, can I get you a mug of tea or a hot chocolate or something?" Alex asked the question casually, determined not to let the earlier tension develop into something awkward.

"If you've got any chai tea, that would be lovely," Liv answered, glancing over at the blonde. Shock, disbelief and then a broad grin flashed across the detective's face as she took in the sight of Alex dressed in adorably cute pyjamas. The pants were dotted liberally with smaller versions, at various rakish angles, of the larger than life Spongebob Squarepants which grinned manically at Olivia from the blonde's slender torso, taking up most of the pale yellow, thin strapped tank top. The sight was so incongruous, Liv couldn't hold in the hearty, full belly laughter which shook her body.

"Hey! Don't you be laughing at Spongebob! I'll have you know Greg thought I was the coolest Auntie on the planet for owning these." Alex felt her own cheeks quivering as she tried vainly to contain her own mirth at Olivia's reaction to her sleepwear.

"They're just so… so… un-Alex," Liv managed to sputter out before collapsing into a fit of helpless giggles once more.

"You can go off people you know," Alex retorted, one eyebrow raised in mock distaste at Olivia's laughing at her but the twinkle in her cobalt eyes belied her apparent irritation.

"Oh Alex, I'm sorry, they're great, you're… great. I just never imagined I'd ever see Alexandra Cabot in something so…" Olivia gestured with her hand at the visage before her while she tried to come up with a suitable word to describe what she was seeing, "so unrefined! I always had you down as someone who slept in silk nightwear between Egyptian cotton sheets of the highest grade." Olivia smirked as she teased the young blonde, watching the other eyebrow join its companion, both attempting to crawl off Alex's face.

"Oooh detective, you are skating on some very thin ice right now!" Alex's mind was racing as she kept up the banter, mentally stunned at Liv's unintentional slip that she had in fact though about what Alex slept in long enough to come up with some pretty detailed mental images. Olivia held her hands up in mock surrender, collapsing into a fresh fit of laughter every time she saw her hostess. "Fine, you can go without a drink for that! You want something, you know where the kitchen is, you can make it yourself," Alex informed her, still trying to keep her own face straight before bolting into the kitchen and letting her grin spread across her cheeks, glad her attire had had the desired effect and dispelled the possibility of any tension lingering.

Olivia dived off the couch suddenly worried she had offended Alex with the speed she had left the room. She peered into the kitchen and saw Alex, back to her, shoulders shaking. "Alex, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to upset you, honest…" Olivia felt the guilt hit her like a punch to the gut, her face wracked with the shame she felt.

Alex's head whipped round, revealing a mirth filled expression tinged with confusion. When she saw how crestfallen Olivia was, she let her amusement show unabashedly, "you didn't upset me, Liv, far from it! I'm glad I could make you laugh, even if it was at Spongebob's expense." Olivia went from looking like someone killed her puppy to wanting to throw something at Alex.

"When I saw you dash out of the lounge and then you were in here and all I could see was your shoulders shaking… You sod!" Liv laughed again lightly despite herself, moving closer to Alex and swatting her playfully on the shoulder. She set about reaching down a couple of mugs as Alex grabbed a couple of chai rooibos tea bags. They made the beverages in silence, moving around the small area with practised ease. To a casual observer, the scene would have appeared to be part of a naturally developed domestic routine between two people who were completely comfortable with sharing living accommodations, a thought which occurred to both Alex and Liv independently as they worked side by side.

They carried their steaming mugs through to the lounge and Alex directed Liv to make herself comfortable while she herself turned the large flat screen television on, powering up the DVD player and selecting a suitably light comedic movie to round off the evening. Olivia watched Alex fiddle about with settings and get the movie started, admiring the difference in relaxed, off duty Alexandra Cabot to the usual façade the blonde attorney presented to the wider world on a daily basis. Her mind was a blur, conflict raging within her as she had to acknowledge that the attraction she had always harboured for the leggy blonde had merely been hibernating, waiting for the opportune moment to make itself known. Despite her promise to Sam though, Olivia could hardly believe that mere weeks after the young teacher's death was in fact the opportune moment to be feeling anything for anyone else. There was also no small measure of fear within her that worried she was only having the feelings she was for Alex because of how much she was missing Sam; missing their easy banter, their comfort being in one another's personal space, missing the warmth of another body when she attempted to sleep at night. She realised that Alex had joined her on the sofa, the distance between them feeling like a cavernous chasm and yet her presence threatening to suffocate the brunette also.

Alex had seen Olivia's distant and closed off expression as she had approached the sofa and was a little unsure of the best course of action. She didn't want to sit too close to the brunette and risk making things uncomfortable but she wanted to remain within easy reaching distance in case the detective needed or wanted to be held. Alex knew from experience how emotions could switch minute to minute when dealing with loss and how the sadness could wash over you without warning. She sat on the couch beside the silent woman, gaze focused on the television screen but mind elsewhere, reliving her early days in the program, allowing herself to feel the same pain and grief she had felt then, hoping to be able to use it to help her friend through her current trials.

"Want to talk about it?" Olivia's voice shook Alex from her reverie, the blonde's gaze swinging in her friend's direction, a questioning expression on her face. "Whatever has put that sombre frown on your face, want to talk about that?" Liv clarified, reaching over automatically smoothing her thumb over the crease that had formed on Alex' flawless brow.

"Not tonight, it's late and I don't want to end the evening on a down note," Alex replied, fighting the urge to close her eyes under Olivia's tender caress.

"Well how about, I show you a trick that Sam taught me? Sometimes, when we were watching movies, she'd notice me frowning or notice I wasn't relaxing as much as I could and she'd do this thing with my hands. How about we give it a try? She always told me it relaxed her too so…" Liv trailed off, shy about sharing something she and Sam had had but wanting to offer any semblance of comfort she could to her friend, realising that whatever paths her mind her taken her down were not comfortable ones.

"Ok, what do I need to do?" Alex asked, a little nervously, wondering what the lovers had shared that Liv was considering introducing her to. She watched Liv shuffled closer to the centre of the couch.

"Scoot over here a bit and then just let me have your hands one at a time. If you don't like it or it doesn't feel comfortable, tell me and I'll stop ok?" Alex nodded as she swallowed thickly, holding her hand out for the detective to do as she pleased with. "Good, you just watch the movie and relax." Olivia took the proffered hand between her own, letting them both get into a comfortable position before beginning to gently massage the delicate muscles contained within the limb, starting at each fingertip and working any tension down towards the palm before moving on to the palm and back of her hand and on to her wrist and a little way up Alex's right arm. When she was content that hand was less tense and well ministered to, Liv beckoned for Alex to pass her other hand over. She looked up into Alex's face, seeing the heavy eyelids betraying her fatigue and the relaxed posture giving evidence to her submitting to the effects of the gentle massage. "Want me to leave it there so you can get to bed?" Liv's voice was barely above a whisper, reluctant to disturb the comfortable young blonde.

"Would you mind doing the other hand too? I'm ok for a few more minutes yet." Alex simply didn't want to move. The feeling of Olivia manipulating her hand was divine, soothing her body even as it set off yet more alarm bells within her mind and heart. She knew she should take herself from temptation's path and go to bed but whilst rationally it seemed a good idea, physically she just couldn't bring herself to comply. Once again, it felt like there was some spell binding her to being in Liv's orbit.

Olivia positioned herself closer to the almost comatose attorney, resting the slender pale hand on Alex's own thighs as she worked on it, thinking it would be more comfortable for the blonde woman. She focused her attention on the tiny muscles beneath her fingertips and tried to block out the heat radiating through her own hand from where it was in contact with the taut, toned thighs, only a thin layer of cotton between their flesh. Liv lavished the same attention on Alex's left hand, wrist and lower arm as she had on her right. When she finished, the only indication that the attorney was still conscious was a tiny chuckle at the movie still playing out on the screen somewhere over Olivia's shoulder. Liv patted the back of Alex's hand gently, indicating she could have the limb back, that the massage was complete. Alex's right hand rose lazily off the couch where it had been lying between them and cupped Olivia's cheek tenderly, her thumb brushing across the prominent cheekbone.

"Thank you, Liv, that feels amazing." Alex wasn't sure how she had managed to restrain herself as she had felt the older woman's knuckles graze across her thigh time and again during the ministrations to her left hand. She had forced herself to get lost in the movie, which she had seen numerous times before, just so she didn't push Olivia into the cushions of the couch and plunder her body. It had been so long since Alex had been touched by anyone in any kind of intimate way beyond the platonic hugs she had shared with Liv and the other detectives since her return to SVU. The last person she had slept with was Jim, that ill-advised liaison which was based purely on lust. Alex had to wonder if that encounter, their brief, heated liaison on the desk in her office, had actually been her way of acting out what she had wanted to do many times to Olivia when they had clashed over warrants and cases and procedure. She realised that her hand had moved to the back of Olivia's neck and was teasing the feather soft hair at the base of her skull. Fatigue, it appeared, caused her to disregard personal space and appropriate behaviour. Not that Olivia was making any attempt to stop her or to move away from the light touch.

"You're welcome," Olivia murmured, her voice low and a little gravelly as she revelled in Alex's teasing touch. "I think it's time for you to go and show Spongebob a good time in your bed!" Olivia hid her arousal behind a thin veil of humour, knowing for both their sakes that they needed to stop where this was going once more.


	16. Chapter 16

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**Aww glad you enjoyed Alex and Liv's dinner for Valentines Day :) Thanks for the reviews and the suggestions, all comments are taken on board and consider - can't promise what my muse will do with them but she's listening! I'm still blown away by the number of hits and the interest in this story, you're all awesome! And so, without further ado, onwards, or rather a little backwards to start with...**_

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><p><em><strong>Thursday July 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2008**_

_**08.15**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

Olivia peeled off the open button down shirt she had been wearing over her sleeveless vibrant green tank, the oppressive heat of the precinct causing sweat to bead finely over her face and arms. It was typical that the air conditioning would choose the hottest day of the year so far to die. Despite it not yet being 9am, the temperature was already in the high eighties, promising an unbearably hot and sultry day when the sun reached its peak. The brunette had only been back on full active duty for a week following her enforced period of desk and limited duties as a result of her dislocated shoulder. The physical therapy had worked in allowing Liv to regain full range of movement and flexibility in the shoulder and whilst the journey had been tough, it had ultimately been worth the pain. That morning, she had made her first arrest since receiving her injury, having nailed a rapist who had been preying on elderly women returning home following his latest, and hopefully, last attack. Munch and Fin had been drafted to question the most recent victim as Liv and Elliot sat on their prime suspect's residence, hoping to catch him leaving. As it turned out, they managed to intercept him as he returned to the building instead, having spied him sauntering down the street casually swinging a bag of expensive items he had lifted from the victim's brownstone. Their perp, an habitual lowlife named Morgan Jackson, had lashed out with the bag of treasure, clattering Elliot around the head and adding assault of a police officer to the growing list of felonies with which Alex would be charging him. El had been momentarily stunned by the solid blow and Olivia had been forced to deal with the suspect herself, giving her ample opportunity to test out her shoulder's capabilities as the man resisted, screaming about not being taken down by a woman.

"Benson, my office, now." Captain Cragen's voice rang out loud and clear across the crowded bullpen. Her colleagues looked at her as Olivia rose from her desk, their faces etched with a mixture of sympathy, pity and intrigue, wondering what she had done this time. Liv herself was wondering much the same, knowing she had been driving operations from her desk for the previous six weeks, having only been allowed back into interrogation rooms a fortnight previously in case a suspect needed restraining and she was unable to physically handle them.

"Captain?" Liv entered the office of her direct supervisor with some trepidation. Being summoned rarely resulted in anything good. The older man indicated for her to close the door behind her and invited her to take a seat.

"You've been attracting a lot of attention at 1 PP recently, Olivia," the Captain informed the brunette, whom he looked upon as a surrogate daughter.

"But I've done nothing to warrant IAB digging around…" Olivia protested, knowing that she was innocent of whatever she was about to be accused of doing but having little faith that would be sufficient for her to duck whatever investigation was to be conducted into her conduct – remembering how it had gone when she had been framed for murder.

"Relax Olivia, I never said the attention was from IAB. It seems that you have a lot of admirers after your recent run of results, especially how you have gone above and beyond to protect the public. As such, they've invited you to a ceremony next month to receive a commendation." Olivia noted the twinkle in her boss' eyes and knew she had been played. She wasn't sure what to say. As far as she was concerned, all the results had been a team effort and her contribution had been no more worthy than the next person's.

"Will the others be receiving commendations as well, Captain?"

"Not this time. Your actions have been exemplary of late Olivia, you have shown a commitment, both physical and mental, that is above and beyond the realms of any requirements placed on you, as well as a respect for the boundaries of the laws we uphold. Your work on the Mendez case, the fact that you saved Mathew Braddock from being traumatised for life by watching his father hurl himself off a roof and that you were back at your desk only a week later despite being seriously injured – all of that and more has contributed to this commendation. You've earned it, you deserve it, so go grab your moment in the spotlight with pride. The invitation is for you and a partner of your choosing so if you've got anyone you'd like to share this with, you'll be able to take them along." It had not gone unnoticed by anyone in the unit, including their leader, that Olivia was leaving work at more reasonable times, that she was less inclined to spend nights in the crib unless they were working a case which made it simply impossible to go home nor had they failed to notice that she exuded a relaxed happiness that only came with complete contentment. Don Cragen was happy for his sole female detective, having seen her struggle through more dark times than any one person should have to face and having seen work be her life for too long. If she had found someone to share her life with, someone to show her the value of a life outside of the squad room, he didn't need to know details to be overjoyed for her.

"Who else will be there?" Olivia was flattered and a large part of her wanted to take Sam along to the occasion, to share this triumph with her lover, but she also knew the realities of their situation. Sam worked in a school, with impressionable young minds whom some narrow-minded parents would not want 'warped' by a lesbian teacher so they had agreed that they would be careful about being seen together as a couple in public.

Captain Cragen reeled off a list of names of high ranking police officers and mentioned that other officers who were receiving commendations that day would also be present with their partners. He informed Olivia that he himself would be there as her supervisor and members of the press had been invited to attend also. "There's no obligation for you to bring anyone, Liv. I just want you to know you have the option to."

"Thanks, I'll think about it," Liv replied shyly rising from her seat on the opposite side of the desk to where her captain sat.

"Full dress blues, a week next Tuesday, 1 PP, 9am sharp. If you do bring a guest, get them to meet you here and we can all go over there together if you like." Cragen signalled that the detective was free to leave by turning his attention to the phone which had started ringing a moment previously.

Olivia closed the office door behind her and strode through the bullpen, throwing a smile at the three inquisitive detectives who tracked her progress to reassure them that all was well. Without pausing, she headed into the ladies bathroom, pulled her cell phone off the clip by her hip and typed out a text message to her lover, wanting to make sure Sam was the first person she told about her commendation. She knew the young woman would be delighted for her but was unsure how she would feel about coming along to the actual presentation or if she would be able to get the time off from school.

"_Hey baby, hope ur days going well. I got some news 2day, Im getting a commendation, got2 go 2 presentation a week Tues 9am. Wud u come? No prob if cant. Love u O xox"_

Almost immediately her cell phone rang, the caller ID showing an unknown number but Olivia suspected who might be on the other end of the call.

"Detective Benson, SVU." Liv answered the phone with her standard greeting just in case it wasn't her lover sneaking in a quick call before her class begun.

"Hi, is this the superhero hotline?" Sam giggled into her handset, her heart swelling in pride at the detective's news.

"Hi you, no superhero's here I'm afraid, just me," Olivia relaxed back against the sink, tucking one arm across her chest and resting the elbow of the arm holding her cell to her ear on it, a soft smile playing on her lips and love burning bright in her eyes. Just the sound of her girlfriend's voice could make her feel like a teenager in the first throes of love every time.

"You're all I need sweetheart, always and forever. I am so proud of you right now I could burst. Let me talk to Mr Jackson and see if I can take some personal time on Tuesday. If there is any way in the world I can be there, I will be there. Thank you for asking me to come, it means so much to me you'd even consider wanting me with you," Sam spoke in hushed tones in the empty classroom.

"Are you kidding me? I can't think of anyone I would rather have by my side. You're a big part of my life and I want to share everything with you. I will totally understand though if you can't get time off to be there, I know it's a work day. Either way, would you join me for a meal in the evening so we can celebrate together?" Olivia marvelled at the humility of her partner, never ceasing to be amazed by the wondrous new facets to her personality with each new discovery.

"Absolutely, it's a date," Sam agreed readily, knowing it would take a natural disaster of a monumental scale to prevent her from showing Olivia just how proud of her she was. "I'd better go honey and let you get back to work too. Be careful, be safe and be brilliant. I'll call you later when I'm home, ok?" Sam had become aware of her class gathering outside, waiting to be let into the room and knowing her privacy was about to be obliterated.

"I'll look forward to it. Go shape the minds of the future. I love you," Olivia felt her grin grow as she heard Sam repeat her last statement, her heart leaping each time she heard the words as though it was the first time the young woman had told her how she felt. Hanging up and snapping her cell phone shut, Olivia took a moment to compose herself while she slid the phone back into the clip on her belt before heading back out into the bullpen to face her inquisitive colleagues.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday July 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2008**_

_**19.24**_

_**Samia Camanetti's apartment, Third Avenue, Midtown**_

Sam sank into her sofa gripping the steaming mug of decaffeinated coffee tightly in one hand as she dialled the familiar number of her girlfriend's cell phone from her house phone with the other hand.

"_Detective Benson,_" came the disembodied voice from the other end of the line.

"Hey babe, how's your day going?" Sam settled back into the cushions of the sofa. She could hear the noise in the background receding as Olivia moved some place which afforded her more privacy for this particular conversation.

"_Hi you, I'm still at the precinct, this heat seems to have driven a lot of people crazy enough to do despicable things today. It's going to be a long night I'm afraid._" Sam heard Olivia sigh and could picture her running a hand through already unruly hair in exasperation.

"Come over whenever you're done, even if it's the early hours of the morning? I'd love to see you, to show you how proud I am of you." Sam told the brunette with a beaming smile on her face. "I won't keep you talking but I spoke to Mr Jackson, he's agreed to let me take a couple of hours off a week on Tuesday so if you still want me to tag along, I'm free to come with you to your presentation."

"_Really? Sam, that's great news…_" Olivia's voice telegraphed her joy. Sam heard a voice calling her in the background followed by Olivia hollering she'd be there in minute. "_Baby, I've got to go, sounds like we caught a break in this case. I'll come by if I get away from here at all tonight. If I don't, I'll let you know. I love you, sweetheart._"

"I love you too, Liv. Be safe." Sam snuggled deeper into the cushions as she tossed her cellphone on to the coffee table. Her stomach churned at the thought of her girlfriend battling against all manner of monsters during her work day and each day offered up a silent prayer to any Deity listening that she would return home unharmed. "Please be safe baby, I need you to be safe," she whispered into the silent apartment.

Across town, Olivia and Elliot burst out onto the sidewalk, the heat still hitting them like a furnace blast as the doors to the precinct swung open.

"Want to drive?" El offered, casting another sideways glance at his partner, the latest of many as he tried to figure out what was different about her.

"No, I'm tired, you drive I'll try to get hold of Munch or Fin again, let them know the latest." Liv slunk into the passenger seat of the unmarked sedan, hunkering down in her seat and flipping open her cellphone, scrolling through until she found Munch's number. Once again, it went straight to voicemail. Disconnecting, she tried Fin instead. The call connected but signal quality was too poor for the brunette to understand anything of what was said. She hung up and sighed in defeat, realising that she and Elliot would be going this one alone and hoping her shoulder was up to two arrests in one day. "Damn crappy cell service," she muttered darkly.

"What's up with you? Got somewhere better to be?" Liv's grim mood was unusual, her fervour for her job usually tended to outweigh any external interests but lately, the whole squad had noticed a subtle but definite shift in her behaviour.

"Is it so hard to believe that I actually want to go home tonight? I'm getting too old for crashing in the crib for an hour or two here and there. I'm hot, I'm tired and I'm sick of the depravity humans inflict on one another coming between me and a decent night's sleep." The detective kept her face turned to the side window as she spoke, not willing to risk her partner seeing the truth in her eyes. She missed Sam fiercely, hearing her voice on the other end of a phone was small consolation. Despite the heat, all Olivia wanted to do was to curl up in the young blonde's arms in bed and shut out the horrors of the day.

"You need to get laid, work off some of that pent up tension. An old buddy of mine from the Marine's is in town this weekend, you'd like him. How about you guys come over and join Kathy and me for Sunday dinner? I know the kids would be glad to see you, Eli especially." The swarthy man glanced towards his sullen partner, hoping to tempt an admission out of her at his suggestion.

"Elliot…" Liv's voice held a warning tone, one which ordinarily he would have acknowledged but the big brotherly instincts in him spurred him on to press the issue.

"Oh come on, live a little. When's the last time you went on a date? You need a life outside of work, Liv. The job can't be your everything."

"I'm only going to tell you this once Stabler so you'd better make sure you listen." Olivia turned her glare full force on the man beside her. Watching the twinkle in his eyes deepen, she realised that this was another of his fishing expeditions. She'd noticed recently that he had taken to asking seemingly innocuous questions regarding her evenings and time away from the office more frequently than was strictly necessary, a ploy, she deduced, to discern details regarding her private life. Like hell was she going to tell him anything until she was ready and certainly not in anger. "I have nothing to say to you regarding my private life and if ever I need your help to find a suitable companion for me, I'll be sure to phone you as I jump off the nearest bridge. Concentrate on your own life or even better, while we're at work, focus on doing your damn job and leave me alone. Now stop driving like a grandma and let's nail this sick son of a bitch so you can go amuse yourself someplace else." As she finished her speech, Liv felt her mobile vibrate against her hip alerting her to an incoming text message. Snatching it off her belt, she flipped open the cover and pulled up the text, having to fight the urge to smile goofily as she read the words on the tiny screen.

"_Hey u, I know ur busy & can't talk but I miss u. Wish u were here w/me so I cud show u what u mean 2 me. I'll b waiting 4 u 2 get home 2nite. I love u, my superhero ;)_"

Elliot watched the rapt attention the small device received from his partner, wishing he could just see across the divide enough to read the miniscule print. The softening of her eyes, the release of tension around her shoulders and the faintest upturn of the corners of her mouth suggested that whoever it was from was someone who meant a great deal to the woman beside him. Despite his frustration at being kept in the dark, he truly did wish her well and only had her best interests at heart in his quest to know who her mystery suitor was. He wanted to make sure the guy was worthy of dating his partner, a woman who deserved only the very best in his opinion. Pulling the car to the curb, Elliot drew Liv out of her quiet musings by opening his door and clambering noisily out in readiness to bring their latest suspect in for questioning.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday February 17<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.24**_

_**Fausto's restaurant, East 4**__**th**__** Street**_

Olivia stood on the sidewalk in front of the familiar restaurant, watching the hustle and bustle inside with equal parts dread and contentment. She felt so close to Sam, felt as though she was there with her, supporting her in her first visit to the family since her death but at the same time, she also felt the pain of what had been ripped away from her more deeply than elsewhere. There she could not deny Sami was no longer with her, beside her. She'd never been to the restaurant without the young blonde before and the prospect of it threatened to overwhelm her. Alex was silent beside her, offering quiet, unspoken support but allowing Liv to come to terms with being there at her own pace. Closing her eyes momentarily, Olivia drew in a deep breath before taking Alex's hand and leading her around to a plain door at the side of the building.

"Olivia, darling, come inside out of the horrible cold." Gina fussed over her daughter's lover, 'tsk'-ing as she always did at the tiredness in her expressive brown eyes and the ever decreasing size of her waist. She drew her in close for a tight, warm hug, rubbing gentle hands over the brunette's back and shoulders. Alex watched as the older blonde cradled Olivia to her, soothing the trembling body with soft words of love and comfort. When the detective pulled back from the embrace, her face was wet with newly shed tears which she shyly dashed away. Gina simply grasped her hands in her own, pulling them away from her face and leaned in to kiss the taller woman's brow. "Go freshen up, Fausto will be joining us shortly." Olivia nodded and left the room on silent feet. Alex was torn between wanting to go after her, to see that Liv was alright and staying to make sure Gina was okay. The decision was taken from her as Gina took her into her arms and thanked her profusely for bringing the other woman to them.

"How are you and Fausto doing?" Alex enquired kindly as she was ushered through into the comfortable lounge and seated in front of a roaring fire after being divested of her woollen winter coat.

"As is to be expected, we have our bad days and our not so bad days. Fausto is finding it difficult, Samia was always the apple of his eye, he misses her terribly. As do I of course but I know life must go on and so must we. How is Olivia, really?" Gina perched on the chair opposite Alex, eyes tired and lacking any joy.

"She's getting there. It'll take time, for us all, but she's talking about it when she can at least. That's a start." The older woman nodded her understanding.

"She looks so tired," Gina fretted quietly, casting a cautious glance over her shoulder.

"It's difficult for her to rest but she is getting some sleep. She's hoping to go back to work next week. She'll be on desk duty for a while until her surgery site is healed properly but we both think it'll be good for her to be busy, to have things to fill her days and wear out her brain. Time can be a great healer but it can also be an empty chasm when you've nothing to fill it with." Alex's sage wisdom surprised Gina. She realised that there were depths to the woman seated beside her she had had no inkling existed. Olivia wandered back into the room, standing in the doorway for a moment as she watched her friend and the mother of her late lover sitting beside the fire. Taking a deep breath, she rocked forward, about to step into the room when she became aware of a presence behind her.

"Olivia," Fausto breathed, pain flashing through his eyes momentarily before being replaced by a gentle kindness. He opened his arms and beckoned for the young brunette to step into his embrace, a move uncharacteristic for the stoic man.

"Fausto, I'm so sorry…" Olivia began, her voice faltering as she felt his arms wrap tightly around her.

"Ssshh baby girl, we'll get through this together, as a family." The man patted Liv's back tenderly and placed a kiss against her temple before withdrawing from the embrace and ushering the brunette through to the lounge where his wife and Alex were still seated. Gina rose from her chair and hushed Olivia's objections as she was steered into the seat beside the fire.

"Would you ladies like something to drink? Some coffee perhaps?" Gina slipped into motherly mode, finding comfort in having someone to take care of.

"Coffee would be fantastic, thank you. Gina makes the best coffee you'll ever taste." Liv addressed her second statement to Alex who smiled and agreed that she would love to sample the much hyped beverage. The buxom blonde patted her husband's shoulder as she passed where he had settled himself on the sofa on her way into the kitchen.

"Coffee all round then. I'll be right back."

"So Alex, any more news you can share with us about the investigation?" Fausto was keen to hear the developments if there had been any.

"I spoke with the detectives in charge of your daughter's case this morning actually. They've made some progress in tracing people of interest from surrounding CCTV cameras. They're cross referencing the pictures against Liv's past cases to see if anyone is familiar. It's slow going but it's a good avenue. They're confident they'll find who did this and from what I can tell, they are not just saying that. I get the impression they might have more information than they are at liberty to give me right now but I did sense that things were moving in the right direction. I know they want to speak to Olivia again tomorrow, we're going over to see them after I get out of court in the morning."

"We'll let you know how we get on, as soon as we come out from speaking to the detectives, I promise," Liv interjected as she saw Fausto open his mouth to speak. He nodded gratefully, thankful that the astute woman knew they would want to know at the earliest opportunity.

"That's good, they cannot be allowed to get away with doing what they did. If they get away with it once, what's to stop them thinking they can get away with it again? What's to stop them destroying more lives, more happiness, more families? If there is anything we can do to help, you let us know. And when these animals are brought to court, I want to be there, to see those responsible for my daughter's death exposed as the cowards they are. Anyone who deals in such death and destruction is a coward."

"You won't hear any argument from us. I intend to be in court as much as I can when this finally comes to trial too," Alex informed their host vehemently. She had felt strongly about cases before but this was personal. Only an unavoidable need to be trying a case in court herself would prevent her from sitting in the gallery of the court room once Sam's case was brought to trial. And she was determined it would be brought to trial, that there would be no deals, no hint of leniency. No matter who she had to go up against, Alex would fight tooth and nail to see that the fullest measure of justice was exacted in return for Samia's murder, Olivia's attempted murder and the wilful disregard for the lives of everyone present at the diner and at the school.

Gina returned to the lounge with a tray filled a pot of aromatic coffee, 4 fine china mugs, a jug of cream and a bowl of sugar. Lying beside the mugs was a small square black velvet box. Alex's eyes landed on the box but she remained silent as Gina quietly poured each of them a mug of coffee, inviting them to add their own embellishments to it. Once they were all served and settled, the plump blonde reached for the box and perched herself on the arm of Olivia's chair.

"My Samia asked me to take care of this for her so you wouldn't see it before it was time. She planned to give it to you last Sunday, on Valentine's Day. I think that you should still have it, she would want it that way. Whether you choose to wear it or not is up to you but I hope that you will accept it for what it was. My daughter was so very much in love with you and after you gave her that beautiful ring for Christmas, she wanted to reciprocate. It took her a while to find one she considered special enough for you but this one caught her eye and her heart. She wanted you to know she intended to spend her life by your side, for as long as you were willing to let her be with you. I know that knowledge is probably more painful than joyful right now but I wanted you to know how much she cared for you, how special she considered what you and she shared to be." Gina pressed the tiny square container into Liv's clammy palm, feeling the trembling of barely concealed distress racing through the brunette. Looking deep into her watery chocolate eyes, Sam's mother continued, "my daughter wanted to marry you, to raise a family with you and I cannot thank you enough for giving her that gift. She may have been taken from us too soon, but she knew the most exquisite joy any person can know because of you. You were her lottery win, her every Christmas and birthday wish come true, her soulmate. You will always be a daughter to us, Olivia, always welcome in our home and in our hearts." There was an expectant silence which hung in the air as Gina's words tailed off, the only sound to break it was the crackling of the fire in the hearth. Alex watched her friend struggle against tears as she looked wordlessly between the box in her palm and the woman perched beside her. Liv's lips moved but no sound escaped. Fausto remained statue-like on the sofa, watching the scene before him with silent tears rolling across his own cheeks. Finally, after long moments, the brunette prised open the carton with trembling fingers, sucking in a sharp gasp of breath as she laid eyes on the most enchanting ring she had ever seen.

"Oh God…" Liv's hand flew to her mouth, fingers covering her lips as tears trickled over her smooth cheeks. Her eyes darted first to Gina, then Fausto and Alex before fixing back on the ring, lowering her hand to trail a single fingertip reverently over the gold band studded with tiny diamonds and deep red garnet stones alternately. With shaking fingers, she plucked the ring from where it rested amongst the velvety folds, sliding it into position on the appropriate finger, marvelling at how well it fitted.

"It's perfect," Gina whispered reverently. Olivia nodded, unable to speak as emotion overcame her.

"Now you officially have to do as your mother-in-law tells you. Service or no service, that ring makes you a fully paid up Camanetti. And we're proud to call you family." Fausto rose from his seat, leaning over Olivia and placing a gentle kiss against the crown of her tousled brunette head before stepping out of the room with the excuse of finishing preparations for their meal. Gina followed quietly, knowing her husband too was feeling the sentiment of the moment and the keen loss of his baby girl.

"May I see it?" Alex asked quietly, watching Liv, whose attention was focused on the ring. The brunette rose unsteadily, stepping the few paces across the room to where Alex sat and extending her arm. Her hand was still trembling until Alex took hold of it between her own, stilling it enough to take a proper look at the exquisite gift the older woman's lover had bought for her. "It is perfect and so beautiful. Sam would be so pleased you're wearing it."

"I wanted all that she wanted; the life together, the family, the children, marriage. For the first time, I wanted to commit myself, my life, to one person. I never thought I'd find that." Liv confessed quietly, fresh tears tracking across her ruddy cheeks.

Alex rose smoothly and swept her friend into a warm hug, rocking her gently in a soothing motion. "I'm so sorry that it's been taken away from you sweetheart but hold on to the joy you felt at finding such love. Not everyone gets to feel what you felt for Sam, what you shared with her, even though it was far too short." Alex felt her own throat constrict, fearing that she herself would never be free to find such a connection thanks to her remarkable ability to fall for the wrong person at the wrong time or put her career before her life. She felt Liv nod her agreement of Alex's assessment.

"I know. Believe me, I told myself every day how damn lucky I was that Sami even gave me the time of day let alone consented to sharing so much of herself, her life, with me." Pulling away slightly but remaining in the circle of Alex's arms, Liv gazed into the blonde's clear blue eyes. "Thank you, Alex." Seeing the wistful sadness, the detective continued, "we all have to hold on to the hope that someday, we will share that kind of love with someone special. You deserve that happiness and someday, when you least expect it, it'll find you too." Alex didn't respond, just tossed a sad smile Olivia's way and extricated herself from the older woman's arms, reaching for her coffee.

"Dinner is about to be served ladies, if you'd care to take your seats at the table," Fausto called through the kitchen doorway.

The meal turned out to be a rambunctious affair, after a tentative start, with stories of Samia's exploits and achievements flowing freely. Rather than a sombre occasion, the delicious dinner became a joyous celebration of everything the young blonde's life had been about; her love for her work with young children, her zest for life, her love of musical theatre, the few failed dates she had had with men before she had admitted to her parents that she just couldn't find it in her to feel anything for any guy. Olivia and Alex both regaled the Camanetti's with tales of their early interactions, the sparks which had flown between them and the legend that had sprung up around them courtesy of their male colleagues. Alex also entertained all three of them with anecdotes from some of her times in the WPP, recalling just how inept she herself had been as a tutor and how one student had found her asleep at her desk shortly before she was due to take a class. Fortunately, she shared, the student in question had opted to remain silent about it rather than open her up to the ridicule of the rest of the class but Alex had still felt it necessary to be a little more generous, a little more lenient with her grades to ensure the continued radio silence! By the time the dishes were done and the visitors bade their leave, Olivia felt more rejuvenated and alive than she had since the explosion. She thanked Gina and Fausto for their hospitality and promised that she would be back again soon to visit with them. Alex too thanked them both, receiving strong hugs in return and an open invitation to visit them any time she wanted to.

Liv & Alex returned to Alex's apartment in decidedly better spirits than they had left in. Liv sauntered into the kitchen, flipping the kettle on and pulling mugs down from their shelf.

"What do you fancy doing tonight?" Alex called from the lounge, as she flicked on a couple of lamps to illuminate the space and chase away the night-time darkness.

"I'm easy," Liv responded casually, throwing a couple of chai teabags into the mugs and pouring on the boiling water.

"That, I very much doubt Detective Benson," Alex quipped with a chuckle.

"Ha ha, you know perfectly well what I mean," the brunette groused in reply. "Do you have any work you need to get done? Any trial prep?"

"No, I'm up to date on everything I needed to get done so the rest of my night is completely free. Do you want to stay in or do you feel like getting out somewhere, going seeing a movie or something? It's still early enough." The attorney looked up from her laptop, which she'd been checking her emails on, as her houseguest wandered out from the kitchen. She accepted the steaming mug with a contented sigh and a heartfelt thanks, the warmth seeping back into her following a chilly cab ride back from Fausto's.

"I was wondering if it would be ok to give Elliot a call and see if he's free to come over for a little while? I'd really feel more comfortable about going back to work if I had chance to thrash things out with him first." As she spoke, Liv fiddled nervously with the handle of the mug she was holding.

"I think that's a great idea. I'll get out of your hair when he gets here so you two can talk freely," Alex informed her friend.

"Actually, I was kinda hoping you'd stay… just in case things get a bit heated."

"You think you're going to need a referee?" Alex asked, hoping to add a little levity to the discussion.

"I honestly don't know Al. The fact that he stayed away so long, it hurt me. He claims to want what's best for me and yet when I need him to be there for me, he runs a mile. I don't know whether it's because he doesn't know what to say to me, because he's mad at me for not telling him about Sam or because he can't handle me being with a woman. And I need to know before I go back to work. I can't be partnered with someone I don't trust and who doesn't trust me, that would lead to all kinds of catastrophic situations whenever we needed to rely on one another." Olivia ran a hand through her unruly hair before releasing a frustrated sigh.

"I realise that, Liv, and I wholeheartedly agree that you two should talk openly and honestly. If you think you can both do that with a third party in the room, I'll gladly stay. If not, I'll make myself scarce for a while. Give Elliot a call, see if he can come over and we'll take it from there, ok?" Alex was unsure that Elliot would want their conversation to be a three-way event, thinking that there might be things he needed to say to his partner which he would only want her to hear but for Olivia's sake, she would do whatever was needed of her.


	17. Chapter 17

_**Disclaimer: see chapter 1**_

_**Thanks for the reviews and for sticking with the story :) Slightly shorter chapter, but still a fairly decent length...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday July 4<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**05.43**_

_**Samia Camanetti's apartment, Third Avenue, Midtown**_

"Baby, is that you?" Sam stirred sleepily, brushing her hair from her face with a sluggish hand as she felt the bed beside her dip.

"Yeah, sorry Sami, go back to sleep." Liv stretched out beside the woozy woman, opting to remain on top of the covers in the hopes that she wouldn't succumb to the almost overwhelming pull of sleep.

"What time is it?" Sam squinted against the already bright morning light, trying to read the blurry figures on her digital alarm clock.

"It's not even six yet, you've got hours before you have to get up," Liv murmured as she guided the young woman's head to rest against her shoulder, wrapping an arm around her torso.

Sam felt the fabric of her girlfriend's shirt beneath her cheek, her warm scent tickling her nostrils. "Are you just getting in?"

"Yeah, our break in the case went to Hell. It turned into a very long night, a lot of paperwork to fill out." Liv really didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to remember the vacant look in the eyes of Eric Davidov's sister as they had freed her from the basement dungeon in which she had been kept for five years. Davidov had been a suspect in a seemingly straightforward date rape case; the victim's drink had been spiked in a bar, she had wandered outside for some air and been found in an alley nearby, badly beaten and naked from the waist down. CCTV and receipts from the bar had sent them after Davidov despite him having no prior record of anything to warrant a red flag. At first, Davidov had been charming and seemed to have a solid alibi. It was only after Elliot performed a wider search of the computer databases that the disappearance of Aleesha Davidov had been discovered. Aleesha bore a striking resemblance to the woman who had been attacked and with some further questioning, Eric's alibi had disintegrated. When they arrived to bring him in to the precinct for further questioning, Eric had bolted into the cellar of his townhouse, barricading himself inside. By the time Elliot had got the door open, Davidov was holding a knife to his own throat, the limp emaciated body of his sister bleeding steadily at his feet, her own throat slashed savagely. Davidov chose to end his life in the basement rather than face the consequences of his actions, unlike his sister and his other victim who would be forced to live with what he had done to them every day for the rest of their lives.

Sam felt the tension rolling off the woman lying beside her, the blanket feeling like an impenetrable barrier between them. "Anything I can do to help?"

"I'll be fine, you should sleep. I just came by to… I'm heading home to shower and change then I'm going back to the precinct. I just needed to… to see you… to know you were ok. I'm sorry, it was selfish of me to come." Liv made to roll off the bed but was held captive by a lithe arm which snaked out from beneath the covers and snagged itself around her waist.

"Don't you ever apologise for coming here. I told you, no matter what time you got away from work, I wanted you to come here. I don't expect you to tell me about what happened tonight, I don't expect you to be able to switch off instantly from what you see at work. All I ask is that you don't shut me out, that you let me help you, let me hold you… let me love you so that you have something good to remember each day." Sam tightened her grip, dragging the exhausted older woman back towards the middle of the bed and refusing to surrender her hold. "Now, when did the Captain tell you to be back in?"

"He doesn't want to see us before midday but I need to get things done. Fin's catching this weekend so unless something major goes down, I'll just be finishing up paperwork and interviewing a victim. I want to get it over with so she can start rebuilding her life. I doubt I'll find many of our witnesses around since it's the holiday weekend so that'll have to wait until next week."

"Why don't you give yourself a couple of hours to sleep? Or at least to lie down and let your body rest? You've been on the go since the early hours of Thursday morning, you can't run on caffeine indefinitely. Come on Liv, you'll do much better resting, even if only for a short while, than you will by running yourself into the ground. We can set the alarm for 9am, you have clean clothes here you can change into, you can be in work by 10am, 11 at the latest." The release of a sigh seemed to melt the coiled tension from Liv's body. She sagged back against the warm mound of her blanket wrapped lover, wishing she had the strength to fight the suggestion but already feeling the oblivion of sleep crowding the edges of her conscious thoughts.

"Set the alarm for eight and you have yourself a deal," she murmured through a wide yawn.

"Let's get you out of those clothes and under the covers so you can get comfortable." Sam deliberately ignored her lover's attempts at bargaining, knowing that the older woman would be unable to turn back the clock once she woke up at nine and willing to face her wrath in favour of granting an extra hour's sleep to the detective.

"What time do you have to be at the school?" Liv vaguely remembered them discussing the details already but her mind was too fogged to dredge up the facts she needed.

"I promised I'd be there by eleven to help set up. I'll still be here when you wake up sweetheart." Sam instinctively knew that Olivia needed that reassurance. Having assisted a rapidly fading Liv out of her clothing and into more suitable sleeping attire, Sam laid back down beside her lover, nestling them both beneath the covers and feeling Liv's breathing settle almost instantly.

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><p><em><strong>Friday July 4<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**09.08**_

_**Samia Camanetti's apartment, Third Avenue, Midtown**_

Sam stroked Liv's hair back from her face, placing gentle kisses along her smooth brow as it was uncovered. "Liv baby, time to wake up," she murmured quietly, lips brushing against the shell of the brunette's ear. Moving her hand to tenderly stroke her cheek, Sam covered Olivia's luscious lips with her own in an intimate morning greeting. She felt the detective begin to stir, felt her reciprocating the kiss before she was even fully conscious and then heard her groan tiredly as her body fought against wakening further.

"What time is it?" Liv asked, mirroring what Sam herself had enquired a few hours earlier when the brunette had arrived in her bed.

"Just after nine. I've run us a bath so hop to it before it goes cold." Sam pulled back the covers, exposing Olivia's taut body to the cooler air-conditioned room, watching in rapt fascination as her body responded instantly; goosebumps rising along her naked arms and legs, nipples hardening and straining against the thin cotton tank they were encased in. She licked her lips subconsciously as her gaze lingered on that part of her lover's anatomy, her own body responding in kind to the gorgeous display before her.

"Nine? I thought we agreed I was getting up at eight? I don't remember the alarm going off." Liv tried to sound grouchy about Sam going against her wishes but could only muster groggy as her mind still fought to clear the fog of her too short sleep.

"You needed more than an hour and a half's sleep and I knew I'd be awake before nine so I didn't set the alarm. Now up and at 'em missus before that bath goes to waste." Sam set about shedding her own night clothes in a tantalising invitation. She watched Liv haul herself upwards, eyes darkening even as her body lagged on energy. With a seductive wink, the blonde teacher sashayed towards the en suite bathroom where she had drawn a tub full of warm water, scented with Liv's favourite oils. Needing no further encouragement, Liv was out of bed in seconds, fighting to rid herself of the clothing which had become suddenly too restrictive and binding. Tossing the black tank and bikini briefs aside, she strode into the bathroom, wrapping her arms around her lover from behind and placing an open mouthed kiss against the juncture where her neck and shoulder met.

"Have I told you lately that I love you? That I love how you take care of me and make me take care of myself?" Liv's voice was deep from a combination of sleep and arousal. It reverberated through Samia's skin and sent delicious tingles of anticipation to her core.

"You have but I'll never tire of hearing it. Now, want me to take care of you or is this an occasion where you'll take care of yourself later?" the younger woman asked with a cheeky leer, sliding her hand down Olivia's toned thigh and earning herself a swift gasp from the brunette.

Without another word, Olivia swept Sam up into her arms and placed her into the bathtub, clambering in behind her. She sank into the welcoming water, her legs spread to accommodate her lover who lay against her, facing the older woman and tracing idle patterns on the smooth skin of the valley between her breasts. Olivia ran her hands over Sam's slender body, pausing here and there to caress, massage and tease the pliant flesh. As Sam leaned in to kiss her lover passionately, Liv took her buttocks in both palms, squeezing them gently and pulling her in closer. Sam's own hand strayed to a breast, teasing and rolling the nipple, revelling in the feel of their hips rocking in tandem. Each needed more contact, more friction to satisfy their cravings. Liv traced a hand across Sam's skin, round her hip and slid it between their bodies, parting her lips and entering her without pause. Sam gasped in response to the intimate contact, water sloshing around them as she matched her lover's rhythm, her own hand trailing southwards. She found Liv wet and waiting for her touch as she slipped three fingers inside the sensitive flesh. They played one another's bodies like maestros of their instruments, drawing out nuances and inflections, building to an emotional crescendo. The water was barely lukewarm by the time they actually got around to bathing but Sam knew it had been worthwhile as she saw some of Liv's usual sparkle return to her eyes, despite her on-going fatigue. They dressed quietly, stealing shy glances at one another, each wishing they could spend the day together.

"If you get away in time, the fireworks start at 9pm at the school, behind the gymnasium. I'd love it if you could join me to watch them." Sam made the offer which had been on her mind for weeks. She knew that she had to be cautious about her relationship with Olivia around the school, she understood that it might impact on her career if people were to know, but if Liv was willing to include her at the presentation of her commendation, she felt it only fair to invite the detective along to the annual 4th of July fireworks display. All eyes would be on the sky and truth be told, Sam would not enjoy the celebration unless her lover was there to share in it.

"I'll do my best, I'd love to watch the fireworks with you. And then, maybe, afterwards, you could come back to my place and we can make a few fireworks of our own?" Liv grinned slyly, knowing that the following morning neither of them had any place in particular they needed to be.

"That sounds like a perfect end to the evening, count me in," Sam agreed readily, raking her eyes longingly over the picture of perfection her girlfriend cut.

"I'd better go," Liv gulped, her body threatening to melt under the blonde's incendiary stare. Crossing the room to drop a chaste kiss on Sam's lips, Liv promised to call her later to let her know whether she'd be able to make the fireworks display.

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><p><em><strong>Thursday February 19<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**09.33**_

_**Manhattan Special Victims' Unit**_

"Come on in Olivia, it's good to have you back." Captain Cragen rose from behind his desk and swept his detective up in a brief, fatherly embrace.

"Thank you Captain," Liv acknowledged, feeling on edge and tense about facing not just the departmental shrink but also her colleagues. It would be the first time she had seen Elliot since the explosion, the two of them never having had the chance to talk before her return to the squad.

"How are you doing? You ready to be back?" Don asked, needing to hear the answer both as her friend and as her superior. He couldn't allow her back in the unit unless he was sure she was mentally and physically able to withstand the pressures of the job.

"Physically, I'm getting there. I know I'll be on desk duty for a week or two yet but mentally I need something to focus on, something else to think about. Too much time on my hands isn't the best thing for me right now Captain, I need to feel like I have something to offer someone before I drive myself mad. I guess the shrink will let us both know if that means I'm ok to come back or if I need more time off." Olivia knew she needed to be honest, both with the captain and with herself. She had had plenty of time during her convalescence to consider how she felt about returning to work not just as a police officer but to the SVU itself. "I still feel like this is where I belong, this is where I can do my best work."

"I'll go and see if Dr Sharp is ready to speak with you. You can use my office, that way you can be assured there'll be no ears listening or interruptions. Take as long as you need, Olivia. If you're not ready to be back, take whatever further time off is suggested. You know you have my complete support." Don took a step towards the door before turning back and fixing a sympathetic gaze on the woman he considered to be a daughter to him. "I really am truly sorry for your loss. I didn't make the connection until Detective Stabler mentioned it. Sam seemed like a lovely young lady."

"Thank you," Olivia husked through a sudden lump in her throat, willing her tears to remain unshed. With a final nod, the captain left the office, allowing the detective chance to compose herself before the psychologist arrived.

Moments later, the door opened and a red-haired woman who looked to be in her mid-50s entered. Closing the door and the blinds behind her, she turned to Olivia who remained standing in the centre of the office. "Good morning Detective Benson, my name's Dr Angela Sharp. I won't patronise you by giving you the speech regarding why we're here today, let's cut to the chase shall we? Why don't you take a seat and we'll begin." The woman's voice was gravelly, the voice of a heavy habitual smoker, but it had a kind, motherly edge to it, inviting a person to confide in her. Olivia couldn't ascertain if it was simply a ploy for her job or if it was a naturally occurring phenomena. Liv perched in the chair closest to her, nearest to the door as though she would bolt at the earliest opportunity. It was an observation that didn't go unnoticed by the doctor. "I realise you're apprehensive Detective but I hope you understand I'm not here to prevent you from recommencing work or to make things any more difficult for you. We're simply making sure that you are fully fit, emotionally and psychologically, to return to active duty, that you won't pose a danger to yourself or to others because of the recent trauma you have suffered."

"Can we start with you calling me Olivia, please? Detective sounds so official. If I'm going to bare my soul to you, I'd rather be a little less formal about it." Liv smiled tightly as she reached out a proverbial olive branch to the psychologist.

"Very well Olivia. I'm glad you're willing to talk openly about your experiences, that in itself is encouraging. Can you tell me how you're feeling right now? How being back at the precinct makes you feel?" Dr Sharp settled herself into the other chair on the visitor's side of Captain Cragen's desk, crossing her legs and focusing her attention on the woman beside her.

"Petrified, nauseous, anxious of how my colleagues will be around me, nervous of how I'll be around them – they know more about my private life than I ever chose for them to know," Liv admitted, pausing a moment to take a breath. "I'm scared that I'll throw myself into my job to avoid having to deal with going home to an empty apartment."

"How would you deal with your colleagues if they did treat you differently?" Dr Sharp jotted down some notes as she observed Olivia considering her question. The brunette studied her hands, head bowed as though in prayer.

"I'd hope that we could talk about it and come to some understanding that nothing's changed. I'm still the same person I was before they knew about Sam, my relationship with her has never harmed my ability to do my job."

"And if talking about it amongst yourselves didn't work?"

"I'd speak to Captain Cragen, ask him to reassure them that I'm still able to perform my duties and back them up any time they needed it. I'd also hope that my own actions, the way in which I approached my work, would speak to that." Olivia struggled to remain composed under the close scrutiny. The thought of not being able to be a part of the team, that they would not allow her to move beyond what had happened, pained her and brought on the beginnings of a panic attack. Dr Sharp watched with interest as the brunette schooled her features and controlled her breathing, watching her manage to stave off the impending hyperventilation mere seconds after it had threatened to begin. She made some more notes before asking her next question.

"How would you say you are handling your partner's death?"

"I… um… I'm… I'm working through the stages of grief but acceptance might take a while. I know that I would give anything to have Sami back, even just for a moment but it won't happen, it'll never happen no matter how much I wish it would. I miss her every second of every day but I know that she wanted me to look forward and carry on living, not just existing. She wouldn't have wanted me that for me and I want to honour her memory by doing everything I can to cherish the memories I have of her. I'm learning to focus on the good times and I've got a great friend who is helping me with that. Alex - ADA Alexandra Cabot – talks to me often about Sam and is helping me to put together a photograph album of my favourite memories. I'm keeping in touch with Sam's parents, we're all helping each other come to terms with her loss."

"And how about whoever is responsible for Sam's death? What do you think should happen to them?" Olivia took another deep breath before answering, reigning in her knee-jerk response that they too should die in favour of a more considered answer.

"I hope that they are prosecuted to the full extent of the law for what they did, not just to Sam but what they potentially could have done to those children at the school and to all the other innocent people who were at the diner that day. So many lives could have been lost and destroyed through their actions, they should be made to take responsibility for that just as I must take responsibility for my part. I don't yet understand what actions I took or didn't take to bring these people after me, whoever they are, but at some point, I must have acted in a manner which led to someone wanting me to lose the person who meant most to me."

"Do you think that knowledge will affect how you approach your work? How you deal with those you come into contact with?" The psychologist scribbled yet more notes at Olivia's response.

"Until I'm faced with dealing with victims or suspects, I can't say for sure but I think I'm professional enough to separate my personal feelings from my work, even in this job. You can't afford to become attached to the cases we deal with or you'd burn up and wash out within weeks. My heart is still in the work though, I still want to bring justice to victims of sexual violence and child abuse."

"How have you been filling your days during your period of convalescence?" Dr Sharp adjusted her position in her chair slightly, relieving pressure on her left leg trapped beneath the right as she felt the beginnings of pins and needles.

"At first I hid away at Alex's apartment only leaving to go to hospital or PT appointments, then Sam's mother started coming by to visit. We talked, a lot, about Sami, her death, her life, everything. I've been seeing a friend of Alex's who specialises in helping people recover from this kind of trauma and I've revisited the counsellor I saw previously for PTSD. And more recently, I've been spending time at Sam's parents' restaurant, giving Alex some time alone in her apartment since I've been there practically constantly since she brought me home from hospital. I'm still not ready to face moving back to my own apartment just yet though, too many ghosts, too many raw memories still yet."

"That's understandable. It sounds like you're taking a lot of healthy steps in dealing with this and that you're talking to others, opening up and sharing your grief rather than destructively bottling it up. Do you feel that Alex needs that space from you? Are you concerned that you are outstaying your welcome, as it were?"

"Not from anything she's said or done, just that I've been there for almost 3 weeks now and in that time, up until this last week, she's not had a single evening where she had the place to herself. She's been fantastic and is making me feel so welcome that I don't want to take advantage of her generosity by overcrowding her. She works hard, she needs to be able to relax and unwind when she gets home – I don't want to impede that." Olivia struggled to explain why she felt compelled to give the attorney some time alone, not really having stopped to justify it in her own mind.

"Have you asked Alex at all if your presence prevents her from doing just that? Are you certain that she doesn't find your presence there a help to her relaxation rather than a hinderance? What do you do together on evenings when you stay at the apartment after she gets home from work?"

"It varies really, depending on what kind of day she's had; if she wants to, we talk about whatever case she's been working that day, sometimes she uses me as a sounding board for an opening argument or closing summation, other times we make a meal together or get takeout and just watch TV or a movie or listen to music while reading. We talk about Sam, plan the photo album, she lets me share memories of her when I need to talk about her. I've never really discussed what my being there means with her, I just figured that she'd appreciate some space having gone from living alone to having someone invade her apartment full time," Olivia admitted, knowing Alex would probably tear a strip off her for assuming she was a nuisance by being there all the time but still not entirely trusting the attorney to be brutally honest with her if she did want some quiet time alone either.

"Perhaps it is something the pair of you should discuss then? It doesn't sound to me like you are expecting Alex to entertain you or distract you from your grief constantly, nothing that would ordinarily wear on someone's willingness to play hostess. I urge you to talk to Alex, you might be surprised with what she tells you. I'm not suggesting that it's not a good thing for you to be spending time with your partner's family, not at all, but perhaps Alex might put to rest any apprehension you have about how much time you spend at her apartment." Dr Sharp observed Olivia as she thought about the suggestion, gratified to see a determined nod of the head in response as the brunette clearly decided it was sage advice. "Okay, just one or two things more that I need to check and then I can let you escape. Have you noticed any anxiety when faced with sudden loud noises? Any experiences on the street or at home which have triggered flashbacks?"

"To begin with, when I first got to Alex's apartment, every time I heard her neighbour's door slam shut, I froze and panicked. I had a panic attack the morning of Sam's service and the first time I went to the restaurant after her death… that almost made me physically sick. But I'm doing better with that, it gets a little less like an open wound each time I go there and I react no more than Alex does now to her neighbour's door. A car backfired in the street while I was out the other day; my heart leapt into my chest but I could still function, I didn't flashback to… to the diner, to that day." Angela nodded, scribbling a few more notes as she listened intently to what Olivia was telling her, not just verbally but also through her posture and body language, which was open, nervous but not overly anxious and certainly not indicating that anything being said was a fabrication.

"And how are you sleeping? Do you have nightmares at all?"

"Yes, I do, most nights still. I know that they will fade in time and I have ways of calming myself down so that I can get back to sleep afterwards. And if that fails, I wake Alex and talk to her for a while until I calm down enough. With the nature of my work, sleepless nights are unfortunately not all that uncommon, my body's used to functioning on a couple of hours and caffeine." Liv smiled self-deprecatingly at the psychologist with a tiny shrug.

"What about alcohol intake? Are you finding yourself drinking more or wanting to drink to get through the day or night?"

"No." Olivia's tone was definite, her statement vehement. "My mother was an alcoholic. I've seen firsthand the damage that using drink as an emotional crutch can do. Just after Sam's service, I voiced that same fear to Alex – I worried that I would resort to drinking to numb the pain – and she pointed out that I had had ample opportunity to do that but hadn't and that if I intended to, I would already have drunk my way through her drinks cabinet rather than worrying about whether I might be tempted to. Even so, we've made it a rule that neither of us drinks alone, that way I know I have a safety net just in case my mother's influence isn't enough."

"Good, that's good. Okay, last question and I need you to continue being honest with me, even if you find it difficult to answer. Have you had any thoughts of self-harming? Any suicidal thoughts?" Dr Sharp fixed an intense gaze on the detective, looking for any tiny tell that would suggest an untruth or evasion.

"When I was in the hospital, being operated on, I didn't care if I died. I'd have welcomed it at that point. I couldn't imagine how I was supposed to carry on when it hurt so much. But I've accepted that I would be dishonouring Sam's memory and her final wishes if I didn't grab each day by the scruff of the neck and make the most out of living my life. And just in case she's waiting for me on the other side, I'd rather not get there to find her pissed as Hell that I ignored what she wanted me to do for her! I still miss her just as much and I don't doubt that I will always miss her, that there will always be this hole inside me that I can never fill but no, I have intention of swallowing my gun or putting myself in unnecessary danger to join her any time soon."

"Alright Olivia, I'm going to clear you to be back at work since you're still physically convalescing and will be confined to desk duty. I am putting a proviso on your file though that you need to continue to seek the counselling to deal with the trauma you've been through and I'd like to review your progress once your physically deemed fit to return to the field to make sure that you're psychologically ready as well. I'll inform Captain Cragen so welcome back to work and I'll see you again in a few weeks. Here's my card, if you need anything in the meantime, if you find you're struggling with being back at work and want someone to talk to, you can contact me on that number and we'll set up an earlier appointment. I would also strongly encourage you to make full use of the support network around you. Alex and Sam's family obviously care a great deal for you and want to help you every way that they can."


	18. Chapter 18

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one**_

_**A little more Sam/Liv to start with in this chapter... As always, thank you to everyone who is reading/reviewing/adding this story to their alerts etc, I'm incredibly amazed that it's reached 80 reviews already! Hope you keep on liking what you're reading...**_

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><p><em><strong>Friday July 4<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**20.55**_

_**St Joseph's School, Brooklyn**_

Liv wandered up to the edge of the large school playing field which was teeming with people of all ages. She scanned the crowd, looking for any sign of her partner. She checked her phone again to make sure she hadn't missed an incoming message or phone call but the screen remained resolutely blank.

"Can I help you, Miss?" A young girl, no more than ten or eleven years old, approached the swarthy detective, innocent face turned up to gaze at the tall stranger.

"I'm looking for Miss Camanetti, do you know where I might find her?" Olivia was grateful that someone was assisting her, but a little perturbed by the young girl's willingness to talk to a stranger without guard.

"Sure, I'll take you to her if you like? She's over by the face painting and tombola cos Jimmy Nelson's mom had to take him home after he punched Bryan Keening in the face. My name's Jaime Fisher, what's your name?" The thin, dark-skinned child grabbed hold of Olivia's hand, pulling her through the throng of people towards where she assured her Sam would be.

"My name's Olivia, I'm a police officer. Honey, you really shouldn't talk to strangers you know, it might not be safe. Your class has had talks about that, haven't they? Or your parents have told you about how to keep yourself safe when out and about?" Liv trailed after her escort, warm hand gripped in a tiny, sweaty palm.

"Yeah, I know but you look nice and you're here at school surrounded by millions of people. You couldn't take me anywhere I didn't want to go without someone knowing about it. I know to shout and draw people's attention to the fact I don't know you, someone would stop you from hurting me," Jaime assured the older woman with the solemn determination only youthful innocence could afford. "Are you a friend of Miss Camanetti's? She's my favourite teacher. She smells nice and has a nice smile. Not like Mr Barton, he smells like cabbage and has hair in his ears." Liv had to prevent herself from laughing out loud at the exuberant babbling of her guide.

"That doesn't sound very nice," the detective grinned. "Miss Camanetti and I are friends, yes. She invited me to come and watch the fireworks with her."

"You're _just_ in time then, come on we'd better hurry or you'll not see her before they start. They're going to be awesome, I watched them setting them up earlier and they have them all fixed on this trailer-thingy with wires everywhere. My mom says that the wires are for the remote deteronators so Mr Phillips – he's the janitor – doesn't have to stand too close to let them off or he might get burned and that would be bad." Another adoring smile spread across Olivia's lips as she listened to Jaime's mispronunciation of 'detonators', wishing she could spend more time around kids like this, kids who weren't broken and old before their time. Her internal musings were interrupted by a sharp cry from the child clinging to her hand, "Miss Camanetti! Miss Camanetti! I found someone looking for you." Sam spun around as she heard her name being called.

"Hi," Liv offered shyly, trying to keep her admiration for the younger woman to a subtle minimum but having difficulty given how beautiful she looked.

"Hi Olivia, I see you met Jaime," Sam replied with a beaming grin. Turning to their small companion, the teacher bent down until she was at face level. "Thank you Jaime, I'll be sure to add a star to your chart after the holiday weekend for being so helpful. Now, why don't you go and find your mom, I'm sure she wants to watch the fireworks with you."

"Yay, you're the best Miss C. Enjoy the fireworks, Miss Olivia." The young girl skipped off happily leaving the two amused adults in her wake.

"She's quite something. Does she always talk to strangers though?" The detective in Liv was still troubled by that.

"Relax sweetheart, she's a sensible kid. There's no way she'd ever approach, talk to or go willingly with anyone she didn't know unless she was sure she was safe to do so. Believe me, she's a lot more savvy than she comes across but she's also one of the friendliest, warmest and sweetest children I've had the pleasure of teaching this year." Further discussions were prevented by the loud klaxon signalling the beginning of the pyrotechnics, following by a rumbling drum beat of music before shoots of sparks and flame flew into the air in a carefully co-ordinated duet with the melodies. Liv shuffled around until she and Sam were stood, side by side. She was about to bury both her hands into her jeans pockets in order to control them and prevent her from wrapping an arm around her lover, having to valiantly restrain herself due to their very public location, when she felt Sam's palm slip into her own, fingers wrapping deftly around Liv's and squeezing gently. The brunette cast a sideways glance in the direction of her girlfriend, heart clenching joyously at the serene smile adorning her face as she watched the sky fill with multi-coloured sparkles. A deep, almost overwhelming sense of contentment settled over Olivia as she too turned her attention in full to enjoying the show, safe in the knowledge that she was in the company of the other half of her heart.

After the fireworks had ceased and the crowds were beginning to disperse, Olivia made herself useful, helping Sam to clear away the remnants of the face painting stall. They were boxing up the paints and sponges, their backs to the thinning throng of people, when Liv felt a small tug on the bottom of her shirt. She spun around to face whoever it was who was trying to get her attention only to find one leg encased in a fierce hug.

"'Tective Livya! See Momma I tolded you it was 'Tective Livya," the little blonde haired bundle pronounced proudly.

"So you did Matty," his mother, Lisa Braddock, replied with a warm, apologetic smile. "I'm sorry to intrude but Matty wouldn't leave until he came to see if it really was you." Another older boy of around eight years of age stood shyly beside the rake-thin woman, his dark unruly curls falling into his eyes as he cast nervous glances at the detective the younger child was clinging to like a limpet. "I'm sure you probably don't even remember Mathew."

"Of course I do," Liv assured, beaming a genuine grin at the family. Crouching down until she was at eye level with the blonde boy she had had to separate from his misguided father, Steve Anderson, on the roof of a motel, Olivia told him, "I never got to thank you for your fantastic picture you drew me. I still have it on my fridge door at home."

"You do?" Matty's voice was filled with awe, as though he couldn't believe his hero would do something like that.

"Absolutely and every time I look at it, it makes me smile and think of you and what a brave young man you were. Every superhero needs a partner, don't they?" At a vigorous nod of a blonde head, Liv grinned and continued, "well how would you like to be mine? I've got an extra special secret mission I need you to complete for me, ok?" Again, Matty nodded enthusiastically, his eyes alive with wonder and excitement despite the lateness of the hour. Liv leaned in close and whispered her instructions into his ear, asking him to take extra special care of his mom and make sure he told her every day how much he loved her. "You think you can do that for me?"

"Yeah," Matty cried gleefully, standing tall as he absorbed his new responsibility.

"I knew you'd be a good partner to have," Liv told him proudly before rising to her full height again. "How are things?" she asked his mother as she felt Mathew drift back to Lisa's side and take hold of her hand.

"Getting better," Lisa replied with a wan smile of her own. "We're moving on with things and starting a new life together. Matty has a big brother to look out for him now too. Dominic, say hello to Detective Benson," she instructed gently.

"Hello," he muttered gruffly, hiding a blush behind his dark, floppy mop of curls.

"Hi Dominic, it's nice to meet you," Liv offered softly, seeing the boys blush deepen further and finding it adorable.

"Dominic's father and I are dating, he's a teacher here hence why we're here today," Lisa supplied nervously.

Liv smiled again, in understanding, realising that she too would have to offer an explanation for her own presence. "It's good to hear you're moving on and building something good for all of you. I was invited by a friend of mine, I'm just helping her clear up." As she finished speaking, Liv became aware of Sam at her shoulder.

"Hi Dominic, did you enjoy the fireworks?" The young teacher asked.

"Yes thank you, Miss Camanetti," the shy boy murmured, casting only a brief glance in the direction of his teacher.

"They were pretty but very loud," Matty piped up, not wanting to be left out.

"They sure were, Matty," Olivia replied sticking her fingers in her ears dramatically earning a deep belly laugh from the young boy and a chuckle from her lover beside her. Even Dominic managed to crack a smile at her goofiness.

"Well, I'd better find Martin and get these two home otherwise I know we are going to have one very grouchy Mr Grumpypants tomorrow. I don't think your Nanna and Pops would be too impressed by that, do you Dominic?" Lisa asked, indicating that she was referring to his new little brother. The older boy simply shook his head, still painfully shy around the two unknown women.

"Ok, well it was nice seeing you again and I'm really pleased that things are working out for you all. If ever you do need anyone to talk to, if ever there are any issues either because of what happened or anything else, please do give me a call," Liv assured whilst handing over a business card with her contact details on it. "I'm sure you won't need it, Matty seems like he's taken it in his stride."

"If only we could all retain that youthful resilience as we grew up!" Lisa quipped, slipping Olivia's card into her purse with a grateful smile. "I'm glad to see you're ok too and that there was no lasting damage from…that day on the roof." With brief goodbyes, the trio melted back into the night, mingling with the few remaining stragglers as they attempted to locate Dominic's father.

Olivia felt Sam's hand rest briefly against the small of her back, the contact warm and welcome even on the sticky night. "Are we all set to go?" Liv asked quietly, overcome by a sudden need to be alone with her partner.

"As soon as you earn your keep and load these into the car for me," Sam jested, nudging Liv with her hip playfully.

"Earn my keep? Is that so? Hmmm we'll see about that!" With a quick glance around to make sure there would be no serious repercussions, Olivia swiftly tackled Sam and tossed her over her shoulder. The young blonde squeaked in surprise and began hammering her clenched fists on Olivia's back and squirming in an effort to be released. Her gales of laughter however belied her struggle and impeded her efforts so much that she could barely regain her balance when Liv did finally deposit her beside her car.

"Oh you are so going to pay for that, Olivia Benson," Sam purred, her voice full of promise.

"For what? I was just trying to earn my keep, as requested." Olivia ducked out of range of Sam's half-hearted punch aimed at her shoulder just before it made contact. "Keep that up and I might just have to arrest you for assault of a police officer, Miss Camanetti." Stepping closer, Liv murmured huskily, "and then I'd have to strip you down and perform a full cavity inspection, just to be sure you weren't concealing any weapons or illegal substances about your person." Sam shivered at the images her girlfriend's words were conjuring in her mind.

"God Liv, help me pack up the rest of these boxes and meet me at my place? Please? I need…" Sam's words were cut short as she spied Mr Jackson, her boss and the headteacher of the school strolling towards them. She straightened her posture and attempted to wipe the traces of desire from her face, even though her pulse still raced and her body yearned to be performing unspeakably delicious acts with the gorgeous brunette in front of her. "Mr Jackson, another successful event I think," she called brightly, watching Olivia's demeanour change instantly to a more suitable one for their surroundings.

"Indeed it was, Miss Camanetti. Thank you for your assistance, though I see you've roped in some additional help for the cleanup operation," Jackson remarked pointedly as he flicked his gaze over Olivia, who turned around to face their latest companion.

"I'm just the brawn here to carry boxes," Liv stated with a nod in the direction of the items still needing transporting to Sam's car.

"Not just the boxes, it would seem," the headteacher rejoined, making it painfully clear he had been witness to the tomfoolery of moments before.

"Just a little fourth of July high spirits," Sam waved it off as though it was nothing, just a fun moment between friends.

"That may be the case Miss Camanetti but need I remind you that there are young, impressionable minds around who look to you as a role model for their own behaviours and actions? Seeing you participating in something so risky could encourage others to follow suit and I'd hate for us to become embroiled in any legal actions if a student was to think that kind of behaviour is condoned at this school." Whilst the threat was veiled, both Sam and Olivia picked up on the true meaning of Mr Jackson's warning. Internally, Sam fumed at the insinuation she had done anything wrong while Olivia mentally berated herself for coming in the first place. She knew it had been a risk, had worried over it all day because of her fears she would let slip the true nature of their relationship somehow and ruin everything for Sam. With a quiet apology, Liv trudged over to the remainder of the boxed items and stacked a few on top of one another before carrying them back towards the car.

"My apologies, Mr Jackson, I'll be more careful to conduct myself appropriately in future," Sam bit out as she fought against her instincts to go after her lover.

"See that you do, Miss Camanetti. I'd hate to lose a good teacher over something so trivial as this but the school must consider its reputation first and foremost." With that, the weaselly man turned on his heel and slunk back into the rapidly descending darkness.

Between them, Liv and Sam made short work of loading the car, no further banter or joviality. "So, I'll see you back at mine in a few minutes then?" Sam asked hopefully as she climbed into the driver's seat of her sedan.

"I think it's probably best I head home, Sam. Thanks for inviting me this evening." Liv turned away preparing to go and find her own car but was stopped by a hand on her forearm.

"Why?" Liv sighed as she heard Sam's whispered question.

"There are so many reasons; my stupidity just very nearly cost you your job, a job that you love. I wasn't thinking about anything other than how much I wanted to touch you and I lost sight of myself. I shouldn't have come at all, I shouldn't have put you at risk like that." Liv once again attempted to extract herself from her lover's presence but was stalled by the grip on her arm tightening.

"First off, I invited you knowing full well that we would have an audience and that there was a possibility someone might read something into how we are together but it was an invitation I made freely and with every intention of being natural with you. Secondly, you did nothing wrong. We did nothing wrong. If you had been a guy who had thrown me over his shoulder like that, okay I would have had an issue with that but the school wouldn't. There is no way that Jackson would have had that talk with me if you had been Oliver instead of Olivia. And thirdly… thirdly I need you to come back to my place so that I can show you I'm not ashamed of us, of what we have. That I have to hide it, that I have to pretend to be someone I'm not to mollify the ignorant masses infuriates the life out of me but I am _not_ ashamed of what I feel for you. If Jackson had asked me outright if you and I were sleeping together, I would have told him the truth in an instant. I will agree not to push it in people's faces, I accept that not everyone acknowledges the love we have is real or valid or natural but I will not deny it." Sam's words were uttered fiercely, vehemently, her quiet tone doing nothing to detract from the sentiment. "Now, will you please come back to my place with me or do I have to lug all these boxes up to my apartment myself?" This time, there was the hint of a teasing grin to accompany her question, a sparkle of mischief in her clear, blue eyes.

"I knew it, I knew you only kept me around as cheap labor," Liv sighed dramatically, although her mirth did not quite dispel her lingering insecurity about the risks she was asking the younger woman to take.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday February 19<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**10.38**_

_**Manhattan Special Victims' Unit**_

"Liv, great to see you back at that desk! How you doin' girl?" Fin made a beeline for the unit's sole female detective as he and Munch re-entered the bullpen after being out chasing down leads since the early hours.

"I'm getting there, thanks Fin," the brunette acknowledged, receiving his gentle hug a little bashfully.

"Same goes, Liv. It's good to have you back. You cleared by the shrink then?" John asked in his usual subtle way, earning a roll of the eyes and a tut from his partner.

"Enough to let me drive a desk for a while so any grunt work you guys need doing, I guess you can pass it my way," Olivia replied with a shrug.

"Well anything we can do for you too, just say the word. We're all here for you, any time, anything," Munch assured her, patting her on the shoulder before slouching into the seat at his own desk and bringing his computer back to life from its dormant state. Fin followed his lead and sat down, busying himself with the information they had dug up that morning on their latest case. Liv found herself immensely grateful for their lack of fuss over her, feeling herself calm somewhat over how her return to work would go. All she had to do now was to face Elliot for the first time, get that showdown over with and then she might be able to convince herself that she could begin to move on, at least professionally. The captain's office door opened, breaking into her reverie as her eyes met Cragen's.

"Can I see you in my office for a moment, Olivia?" She rose, wondering if she had been too optimistic, too soon. His tone did not fill her with any kind of confidence, it was too soft, too inviting, too sympathetic.

"Cap'n?" she asked as she hovered just inside the now closed door.

"Take a seat, Olivia," Don directed, his stare making it plain that there would be no further discourse until she had done as he asked. Reluctantly, she lowered herself into one of the seats in front of his desk, trying her best to mask the lingering discomfort from her surgical site as she did so. "I've just got off the phone with Detective Sykes. There were no useable fingerprints on the note besides your own, Sam's and the officer you gave the note to. The partial license plate is taking longer to track down, unfortunately, there are seventeen possibles. The persons of interest from the CCTV have mostly been ruled out, no one has cropped up that has any recognisable connection to any past cases you've worked. I'm sorry it's not better news but don't think that they're not searching every database known to man in their efforts to find whoever is responsible for this. I have it on very good authority that no stone will be left unturned. They will get this guy, Liv."

"Thanks for the update. If it's ok, I'm going to go see if Fin and Munch need my help on anything. Any word on when Elliot will be back yet?" Liv asked quietly, disappointed with the lack of progress and surprised at how much it stung to hear justice would not be as swift as she had hoped.

"I've not heard from him or Cabot so I presume court is in session. It's a pretty straightforward case, shouldn't be too long before he's back here. Have you and he spoken since it happened?" Don asked gently, having witnessed Elliot's detachment and own struggle to accept that Liv had kept a part of her life from him.

"No, we errr… we never had chance to," Liv supplied nervously, her agitation evident to anyone who cared to look.

"Well if you need a little time to yourselves to talk it out, take it. I need you pulling together as a team so if there's going to be a problem with that, I need to know sooner rather than later." Cragen hated having to play the heavy but knew that they could ill afford a split in the unit.

"Yes Captain," Liv murmured as she rose and headed for the door, taking a short moment to compose herself before she strode out into the bullpen and re-took her seat at her desk, reaching for one of the numerous files which had piled up there in her absence.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday February 19<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**11.57**_

_**Manhattan Special Victims' Unit**_

Elliot strolled back into the precinct, shrugging his jacket off as he went and draping it casually around the back of his chair. Ordinarily, he would have sunk straight into the seat at his desk but he spied his partner hunched over her own desk, seemingly lost in the paperwork spread out before her.

"Anything interesting? Sure looks like you're riveted," he mocked gently in an attempt to break whatever ice there was between them.

"Not really, just passing time. How was court?" Liv asked, raising her head and looking at the man she had come to consider as a brother.

"Uneventful, unimpressive," Elliot responded as he mimed an action with his little finger to illustrate his meaning.

"Another one that can't keep it in their pants? Even in a court room?" Liv balked exasperatedly, wondering idly if Alex had managed to keep a straight face.

"Yeah, some of them just never know when to quit. I thought Cabot was going to burst, her face was a picture!" Elliot laughed at the memory of Alex's pale skin flushing a deep pink, one elegant hand rising to shield her eyes from the view of Mr Gorman's exposed parts while a sculpted eyebrow threatened to crawl off her forehead in disbelief. "She actually told the judge it might have been an error to charge him with _gross_ indecency since it hardly merited that grand a title!"

"Oh my God, she didn't? Which judge was it?" Liv couldn't help the proud smile that spread across her face upon hearing Alex had been in fine, feisty form.

"Judge Petrovsky who fortunately shared Alex's opinion and overruled Langan's objection as his client was being dragged out of the courtroom by the court officers. Petrovsky's ordered a psych evaluation so until that's done, the trial's adjourned." Liv nodded her understanding at the development, feeling the elephant re-enter the room as the small talk faded. "Hey listen, you wanna get out of here and grab some lunch with me? My shout."

"Sure yeah, I could use a change of scenery," Liv acquiesced knowing that the discussion would never come easily but hoping that a more public setting would keep a lid on both of their tempers should things become heated.

"Ok, I'll go let Dad know where we'll be if he needs us."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday February 19<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**12.26**_

_**Scotty's, 39**__**th**__** & Lexington**_

"What can I get you?" Their server was a spotty-faced young man who looked to be in his early twenties at most.

"I'll take a Texan Burger with a side order of waffle fries. Liv? What you having?" Elliot turned to his partner with an expectant gaze.

"Umm, a tuna salad on rye please," she requested directly to the young man hovering over them. "Could I get a glass of water with that too, please?" The brunette was painfully aware that her medication was wearing off and it was coming close to time for her to pop more pills. Some days were better than others with regards to her physical recovery but she knew she had overdone it the day before at the gym and was consequently paying the price.

"Of course ma'am. Anything to drink for you sir?" the attentive waiter asked.

"No thanks, I'm good," Elliot replied a little gruffly, wanting to be left alone with his partner so that they could clear the air and get back to some semblance of comfort with one another. They waited in tense silence until Olivia's water had been delivered before beginning the uncomfortable conversation.

"Elliot…"

"Listen, Liv I…" They both spoke at once, stopping and glancing at one another for a moment before Olivia grinned wryly.

"You go ahead, say what you have to say," she invited, sitting back in her seat and glancing around at the busy diner, a little unnerved by the comparison to the one she had been seated in a few weeks previously.

"Why didn't you tell me about Sam? Why didn't you say you were dating someone? You let me keep trying to pair you up with guy friends and kept fobbing me off? Why? Is it because she was a woman? You think because I'm Catholic that I'd, what? That I'd abandon you or something?" Elliot tried to keep the hurt out of his tone but found an edge crept in regardless.

"At first, I wasn't sure how serious it was going to be or how long it would last. I kept having to pinch myself to make me believe it was real. El, she was young and beautiful and smart, I didn't want to jinx it. And then when it became obvious she was around for the long-term, I didn't want to have my work life spill over into my home life. She had an innocence about her, a naivety that I envied and cherished and wanted to protect at all costs. Whether it's right or wrong, I wanted to keep those two parts of my life as separate as I could. And yes, I had my concerns that you might have an issue with our relationship because she was a woman, you've not exactly shown all that much tolerance towards lesbian relationships on some of the cases we've dealt with."

Elliot cut her off at that, assuring her, "but Liv, that's different, that's work. We see people on one of the worst days of their lives, it's hard not to think that their lifestyle choices, no matter what those might be, might have been a factor in them becoming a victim of crime."

"Lifestyle choices? You think that I chose to be attracted to women? Did you? Was it a conscious choice for you to be attracted to Kathy?" Liv spat bitterly.

"No, being straight is never a conscious choice, it's just what you are… unless you look elsewhere," Elliot replied earnestly.

"So you think now I've got it out of my system that I can go back to being a good little heterosexual? That all I need is the right man to come along and I won't feel the need to look for women to share my life, my bed, anymore? Geez Elliot, I think you need to go back to sensitivity training because you clearly have some more learning to do. I like women, El, just the same as I have enjoyed relationships with men too. That doesn't make me deviant or ill or unbalanced so don't you dare undermine what I had with Sam and dismiss it as something I chose to pursue until a man came along to show me the error of my ways." Olivia was livid at her partner's insinuation, feeling that he was suggesting she had put herself and Sam in the crosshairs of the man responsible for the bombing simply by pursuing a relationship together.

"Liv, I'm not saying you're at fault, merely that Sam came into your life when things were looking bleak on the relationship front and you looked at her in a way that, perhaps had you two met under different circumstances, would ordinarily have developed into simply a strong friendship."

"No, it wouldn't. No matter when I had met Sam, she would always have been as important in my life as she has been this last twelve months. I love her every bit as much as you love Kathy, if not more so because I know for sure I would never have cheated on her by even thinking about being with another woman or man. She was it for me, Elliot. She was everything I could ever have dreamed about in someone to share my life. If you can't accept that, if you can't accept that this is who I am, then perhaps it's time I asked for a new partner or transferred out of SVU altogether." Liv paused as their food was delivered, requesting for hers to be boxed up, needing to leave and give herself some space from the stubborn-headed man seated across from her.


	19. Chapter 19

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one**_

_**As always, thank you so much for your reviews/adding this story to your alerts/just simply reading it and a big wave and hello to those new readers only recently stumbling across this tale. Glad to have you all onboard :) And just for GSRCSILVR25 for the gentle hint in your last review, a bonus chapter today! ;)**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday February 19<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**12.52**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

"Knock knock," Liv said as she poked her head in through the open door of Alex's office, her hands full of food cartons and coffee cups.

"Hey Liv, come on in. I called the precinct but Don told me you were out to lunch with Elliot," Alex informed her guest, rising from her place on the floor and relieving the brunette of some of her wares.

"Yeah, I needed some space away from him and his bigoted ideas so I thought I'd come and see if you fancied splitting a tuna salad on rye with me? I got you a skinny cinnamon dolce latte on my way over." Liv set down the remainder of the goods she carried before perching on one of the visitors chairs in front of Alex's grand desk.

"You're a lifesaver, sounds divine! I'd completely forgotten to get any food. I got stuck into some research for the Mendelssohn case as soon as I got back from court and lost track of time. Let's eat over here where it's more comfortable," Alex directed Liv to the comfortable looking leather couch, not dissimilar to the one which was in her apartment. Once the brunette was seated, she ventured, "so things didn't go too swimmingly with Detective Stabler?"

"He thinks that Sam was just a distraction for me until the right man came along, that being gay is just a lifestyle choice – his words." Liv pulled her half of the sandwich apart savagely as she spoke, depositing most of its contents back in the wax wrapper.

"He's Catholic Liv, it's what they're bred to believe," Alex supplied calmly, internally wishing she could strangle the brawny detective.

"I thought the work that we do would have opened his eyes to the fact that life isn't that black and white. That he might have realised there are shades of grey in between which are just as valid as either extreme."

"And probably in a more rational debate he would concur with you. But Liv, you're like his flesh and blood. He cares about you, he's hurting for you and perhaps that's making him act a bit more stupid than normal," the ADA suggested gently with the barest hint of a smile in her expressive blue eyes. "Now, are you going to actually eat some of that before you dismantle it completely or should I split my half and we can have an intact quarter each?" Liv dumped the remains of her shredded sandwich onto the coffee table with a sigh before leaning back against the couch, fighting the urge to wince with the pain it brought to her still healing scar.

"I'm not really hungry anymore anyway. You eat yours Al, I'll be fine with my Americano."

"You skipped breakfast this morning, don't think I'm about to let you miss lunch as well, especially not since you obviously need to take some pain relief. Do you want to give yourself an ulcer?" the stern blonde admonished as she twisted around to cast a critical gaze over her friend.

"I'm fine," Liv tried in an effort to appease the younger woman.

"Yeah? So you're ok if I do this," Alex laid a hand gently over Liv's lower stomach, applying only the softest of pressure but still earning herself a sharp hiss of pain. "Yeah that sounds like you're fine to me too," the attorney informed her sarcastically. "Where are your meds?"

Olivia reached into her jacket pocket and retrieved the bottle of small, white tablets with a recalcitrant expression. Alex took the container, opening it and shaking two out onto her palm, offering them to the reluctant patient. Clumsy fingers closed around the two pills but her hand was stayed before she could toss them into her mouth.

"Food first, then you take those with some water, not your coffee. I've got some bottles in my mini fridge, I'll fetch you one after you've eaten something." Seeing that her friend was still of a mind to object, Alex played her trump card, "don't make me call Captain Cragen and tell him that you're neglecting your own welfare and shouldn't yet be back at work."

"Harsh Cabot, kick a girl while she's down why don't you?" Olivia grumbled but grudgingly placed the tablets onto the glass tabletop and picked up what she could salvage of her lunch.

"I only do it because I care about you, Liv and I hate to see you hurting yourself. That and I wouldn't like to explain to Gina or Fausto why you were back in hospital so soon!" Both of them shared a warm smile at that statement, knowing that both the Camanetti's could be fearsome when they wanted to be. "Speaking of them, are you planning on going to the restaurant again this evening?" Alex kept her tone light and enquiring, not wanting to pressure the detective either way.

"I can do if you want the place to yourself again or if you've got plans, got someone you want to invite over? Perhaps it's time I moved back to my place, then you don't have to worry about me getting under your feet at all." Liv once again began picking at her food until Alex's warm palm closed over her hand.

"That's not why I was asking, not at all. Is that how you feel? Have I made you feel like you're in the way? Because honestly that has not been my intention at all, not for a moment have I felt like that. I realise that you need your own space and I respect that but aside from the circumstances which brought you to my apartment, I've loved having you stay with me. The apartment feels like a home rather than just somewhere to lay my head on a pillow or an extension of this office." Alex shifted a little closer to her friend, willing her to believe what she was telling her.

"It's nothing you've done. Alex you've been nothing but incredible since I came to stay with you and I can't tell you how much I appreciate you opening your home to me. But I feel guilty for invading your space like that and assuming that you're ok with it. That's why I've been taking off in the evenings, so you won't feel like I'm crowding you, so you can have some space in your own home after a hard day at work." Liv took a shuddering breath as she prepared to confess to Alex that she had spoken about it earlier that day to the departmental psychologist. "This morning, in my evaluation with Dr Sharp, I mentioned that to her and she asked me if I'd asked you how you felt about me being there every night when you get home from work, if my being there helped or hindered you relaxing from your own work day."

The blonde attorney could see the uncertainty in Olivia's poise, in the way that she refused to meet Alex's eyes and worried at her top lip with her teeth. Without conscious thought, Alex reached out and prised that lip gently from between Liv's teeth so that it wouldn't become damaged or sore, soothing its surface with the pad of her thumb. "You do help me to relax Liv. Coming home, talking to you over a meal, watching random shows on television or a DVD with you, it all helps me to leave my work at the door. And honey, if there was ever a time when I wanted to bring someone home with me – which is highly unlikely since my social calendar is decidedly unexciting – I would discuss it with you in advance. I like your company, I like our evenings in together so whilst I'm not going to discourage you from spending time with Sam's family, please don't feel like you have to be gone all evening, every evening on my account. You're free to come and go as you please but you will always, _always,_ be welcome in my home." Olivia turned her face into Alex's palm, pressing a tender kiss against it in thanks before capturing the limb between her own hands and holding it tightly.

"How are you still single, Alex? I'd love for you to find someone you could find happiness and joy and love with. You deserve it Al, I expect you'll accept nothing but the best but you really do deserve it." Olivia murmured, holding Alex's warm gaze with her own soulful brown eyes.

"Maybe one day," the blonde concurred softly, knowing it was unlikely to happen for her as her heart's desire was out of reach. Glancing at the clock, Alex sighed and reluctantly retrieved her hand. "You'd better get that eaten, take your tablets and head back before Don sends out a search party for you."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday July 15<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**8.25**_

_**Manhattan Special Victims' Unit**_

Olivia tugged on the collar of her dress uniform, feeling uncomfortably warm and conspicuous in the crisp trousers and jacket. She felt her phone buzzing against her hip where it rested clipped to her gun belt.

"Benson," she barked into the tiny receiver.

"Hey Liv, it's me. I'm outside, am I coming up or are we meeting out here?" Sam's voice floated through the device instantly calming Olivia's nerves even as it ignited a frisson of worry about the Captain's reaction.

"Hi, I'll be right down. Are you out front?" Olivia's voice softened instinctively as she spoke to her lover, a gentle smile and faint blush adorning her face.

"Aw come on Liv, let your mystery man up to meet us." Elliot called in the background, enjoying watching his partner squirm at his teasing, still a little sore at not being invited along to watch her receive her commendation.

"Bite me," Olivia rejoined, flipping him the finger as she rose from her desk and headed out of the bullpen.

"Gladly, but I think that might have to wait until later," Sam retorted teasingly, wishing she could witness the deep red blush which would undoubtedly be adorning her girlfriend's skin at that moment. She heard the older woman groan her name into the receiver with a whispered warning to behave. The familiar cadence of heels clicked along the sidewalk behind her and Sam spun around to greet Alex, glad that the attorney had managed to take time out from her hectic schedule to witness her friend's presentation. "Alex has just arrived too sweetheart so we're all set to go whenever you are."

"I'm just about to get in the lift. Captain Cragen had to head over early so he's meeting us there." Liv felt the butterflies which had been dogging her all morning take flight once more in her gut. She had no doubt that the Captain would never outwardly disapprove of Sam's presence but it was the first time she had even considered introducing her lover to anyone from the squad, besides Alex, and that thought made her nervous. She knew it was irrational but it was almost as though she worried that allowing any of her work colleagues into her personal life would burst the bubble she and Sam had been operating in, that one would somehow taint the other.

"OK," Sam paused, sensing the tension from her partner's clipped phrases. "It'll be fine Liv and if you just want to introduce me as your friend, that's no problem. However you want to do this, you have my complete support. Today is a day for celebrating what a remarkable woman you are, it shouldn't be stressful for you." Alex smiled warmly as she got close enough to hear Sam's words, reaching out a supportive hand and squeezing her arm warmly in greeting.

"Thanks Sam, we'll figure it out when we get to the precinct. Let me see how the captain is after his meeting with the brass first."

Sam was about to respond when she saw the brunette walk through the front doors and onto the sidewalk. Any words she had were stolen as she drank in the sight of Olivia in full dress uniform.

"It's quite a sight, isn't it?" Alex murmured beside her, having been captivated herself the first time she had seen Liv in the smart uniform.

"It… umm…uh… wow," Sam stammered, snapping her phone closed as Olivia drew closer.

"I take it you approve?" Liv teased, watching her girlfriend practically ogle her openly and adding a little extra swagger to her step to further tantalise the young woman.

"God Liv…" Sam left the remainder of her reaction unspoken in deference to their company. Whilst Alex was fine with their relationship, Sam doubted that knowing she wanted to fuck Olivia right there and then was an image the counsellor wished to carry with her.

"You scrub up pretty well Detective but if you're done preening, let's move this along. Elliot has sent spies out to try and catch you canoodling with your mystery man," Alex informed the two women with a wry smile watching Munch attempt to use his height to see around Liv's frame to where Sam stood. The trio began the short walk to headquarters where the ceremony was to take place without so much as a backward glance.

"False alarm, my friend. Liv was escorted away from the building by our esteemed ADA Cabot and an unknown female. No luck this time in finding out who the lucky guy is that gets to put that smile on Olivia's face." Munch reported back as he sank into his chair at his desk, an air of defeat surrounding him.

"Damn, I was sure she'd invite him to something like this. Maybe the other woman's a ruse and mystery man is meeting them at 1PP," Fin suggested.

"Or maybe Babs Duffy planted more than a seed of doubt in Liv's mind and she's sampling the delights of Sapphic romance these days," Munch proposed with a sly grin. The three men each looked to one another, momentarily considering that possibility before dismissing it and laughing amongst themselves as they remembered Liv pestering each of them for a straight answer as to whether she gave off gay vibes for weeks after Ms Duffy had made advances towards her.

"I know she keeps her home life separate from work but she's had something going on with someone now for months and we don't even know his name." Elliot let a small amount of his frustration show, knowing that it spoke volumes about the distance that had grown between himself and his partner during recent times. Her resistance to share such details with him served as a reminder of how their relationship had been irrevocably changed and he was at a loss as to how to bridge the chasm.

"I know, call ourselves detectives!" Munch quipped in response before snatching up the ringing phone on his desk. A new case ended further talk of Olivia's love life or frivolity as the three men began a fresh investigation.

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday July 15<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**08.52**_

_**1 Police Plaza**_

"Captain Cragen, I'd like you to meet Sam, my partner." Liv had decided as the three of them had walked through New York's streets that she had to be honest with the captain regarding her relationship with Sam. She figured she owed both Captain Cragen and Sam that much. Hearing herself speak the words out loud caused her heart rate to pick up significantly but it also felt surprisingly natural and right. She watched Sam smile broadly as she shook hands with the man who was as close to a father as Liv was ever going to get.

"Very nice to meet you Sam, it's about time I got to put a face to the person who has given my detective so much to smile about." Don Cragen was never an effusive man but even he understood the enormity of Olivia admitting Sam was more than just a friend.

"It's good to meet you too Captain, Olivia always speaks very highly of you." Sam returned the handshake firmly, feeling Liv step a little closer and ghost her hand across the small of her back in a silent gesture of support.

"She knows what's good for her, that's why," Don informed the young blonde with a smile. "Alex, glad you could make it this morning. It's not every day one of our own is acknowledged at these events."

"I wouldn't have missed it for the world, Don. It's about time everyone saw what a remarkable detective Olivia is." The brunette blushed at hearing her two colleagues discussing her award.

"Hello, I'm still here you know!"

"Hey, let them be proud of you today, Liv. Let us all be so very proud of you today. Today you don't get to be modest and bashful. Today you're every bit the superhero that drawing on the fridge makes you out to be." Sam nudged the older woman slightly as she spoke, her words only adding the Liv's heightened colour. The detective gazed into her girlfriend's adoring eyes and felt her world settle, knowing she could get through the embarrassment of the ceremony simply because Sam was there, for her and only her.

"We'd better get you seated before you miss your moment of glory," Don stated as he inclined his head in the direction of the modest hall in which the presentation would be taking place. Liv pulled Sam along as Captain Cragen hung back a little to speak with Alex. "Did you bring a camera? I want Liv to have a memory of this day forever; the day her family helped her celebrate her achievements."

"It's in my case, Don. I'd had the same thought this morning when I was getting ready to leave my apartment. I've never seen her like this about anyone else, honestly I can see them growing old and grey together." Alex's joy at the knowledge Liv had found someone to share the good times with was tempered, as always, by the sting of her own loss but she couldn't help but hope the pair could hang on to every moment of happiness together. With a fatherly nod of approval, Don escorted the ADA into the auditorium, both of them taking their seats beside Sam just as proceedings began.

The ceremony was a dry affair, as much a public relations exercise for the gathered press as it was a celebration of their officers' achievements. After what seemed like an age, all medals, awards and commendations had been distributed, official photographs had been taken and the plucky law enforcers were released into the custody of their family and friends. Don was the first to sweep Olivia into a short, fierce hug as she rejoined the trio awaiting her, offering her more words of congratulations not just for her award but also for her finding happiness and contentment with Sam. Alex too stepped forward, kissing the brunette's cheek and sweeping her into a tight embrace, overcome with pride on her behalf. When she was finally released, Liv stepped in front of her lover and smiled shyly.

"Hi," she said, turning the box containing her medal over and over in her hands betraying her nervousness.

"Hey you," Sam murmured quietly, wanting nothing more than to display precisely how proud she was of the other woman but not knowing whether Liv would welcome any display of affection. Silently, the brunette stepped forward, wrapping her arms around the petite, slender body of her lover and moulding herself to the curves she knew so well. Taking her cue from the older woman, Sam pulled her in close, holding on tightly and whispering into her ear, "you are so amazing, Liv. I've never been more proud in my life and I can't wait to get you home tonight to show you just what the sight of you in your dress uniform has been doing to me!" Liv released a quiet chuckle at that statement, even as a jolt of desire spread through her body.

"Do you have time to join us for a quick coffee before you get off to school?" Olivia asked as she drew back, keeping her love within the loose circle of her arms.

"I'd love to, but I really should head off. Mr Jackson was adamant that I had to be at the school for the start of second period," Sam confessed disappointedly.

"Before you go, let me get a photo of the two of you," Alex requested, mentally adding a 'posed' photo since she had surreptitiously already snapped a few candid shots when they were too busy staring into one another's eyes. Liv flushed a beautiful red hue but dutifully posed proudly with her girlfriend, displaying her medal when requested. Alex then directed Don to join them, promising she would only be brief when Liv began to protest.

"And now you too ADA Cabot, hand over the camera and switch places with me," Captain Cragen instructed, his tone brooking no argument. Sam's face ached from smiling so much but found she was unable to wipe the grin off no matter how hard she tried.

"Ok, now let me take one of the three of you before I really have to dash off," the teacher suggested, hoping to give Liv a picture she would feel comfortable sharing with the rest of the squad who had not been able to attend. "Beautiful," she exclaimed as she surveyed the snap she had taken before handing the camera back to Alex. "I've really got to go, Liv, I'll see you later though?" At her partner's nod, she continued, "come over whenever you're free, I'll be home by six at the latest. It was really nice to meet you, Captain Cragen. See you again soon Alex, you'll have to come over for dinner again when you're free." The detective's two colleagues called their goodbyes to the woman Olivia obviously adored. They watched as Liv caught the young blonde before she had time to bolt and placed a tender, brief, chaste kiss against her lips.

"Thank you for being here. Have a good day and I'll let you know what time to expect me later," the brunette murmured affectionately. "See you tonight, sweetheart." Olivia watched her go for long moments before turning back to a grinning Alex and a benevolently smiling Captain Cragen. She felt her skin flush once more and accepted Alex's gentle teasing as good naturedly as it was offered.

"Congratulations Olivia, looks like you've really hit the jackpot with Sam," Don assured his surrogate daughter, clapping her warmly on the back as he guided her through the crowd towards the exit.


	20. Chapter 20

_**Disclaimer: see chapter 1**_

_**Two posts in one day and still you guys review each chapter - you really are great! So, challenge for you, we've hit chapter 20 and so far there are an awesome 91 reviews. If you feel so moved to leave a word or two about this chapter and help it on its way to 100 reviews, I'll post not just one, but two, yes that's right TWO, further chapters today! Even a grand total of 95 reviews will stimulate my generosity to post one more chapter today, so what do you say? Think that's incentive? )**_

_**As always though, thank you to everyone who is taking the time to read this story, whether you review or not. All of you provide the incentive for me to continue writing this tale. Anyway, onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday February 19<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**16.34**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

A knock on Alex's door tore her from her case-law research induced stupor. "Come in," she called tiredly, expecting a warrant request from one of her detectives or a reprimand from her boss for her remark in court that morning.

"Alexandra Cabot, long time, no see," came the sultry Texan drawl, accompanied by five feet ten inches of lean body, expressive brown eyes and almost black hair fastened in a loose pony tail.

"Abigail Carmichael, what the devil are you doing here?" Alex rose from her desk and ushered her acquaintance into the office, closing the door snugly behind her and turning to face the other woman with arms folded across her chest in her usual fashion. Their paths crossed infrequently, though they kept up with one another's movements through mutual friends and acquaintances.

"Well, you know, last I heard, trying to blow up a school and strapping a bomb to someone in a busy diner was an act of terrorism… which makes it a Federal offence, which gave me jurisdiction to fight like a mother to be the one to try the son-of-a-bitch when they catch him. Looks like I won." Abbie replied, sinking in one of the chairs in front of the luxurious mahogany desk and dropping her attaché case to the floor by her side. "How's Olivia doing?"

"As well as can be expected really. She has her good days and her not so good days. She's staying with me for a while until she can face going back to her apartment. Why don't you come over later and join us for supper? I'm sure she'd welcome another friendly face." Alex knew some of Liv and Abbie's shared history, knew that there had been a brief dalliance before she herself had joined SVU and understood that the two women had maintained intermittent contact since Abbie's move to Washington DC. She moved back around her desk as she spoke, perching primly in her own chair as she extended the invitation.

"If you're sure it wouldn't be too much for her, I'd like that." Abbie admitted with a quirk of her lips on one side in a half-smile-cum-grimace. "As much as I'd like to say this was simply a social call to check up on a friend, I'm actually here to ask for your help. If and when this goes to trial, I have a suspicion it's going to turn into a media circus, once all the details are known. I've been given permission to select my own choice of second chair, I'd like you to fill that position."

Alex's expression of shocked gratitude would have amused Abbie to no end under other circumstances but truth was she was pissed as Hell someone had tried to destroy all that was good in her friend's life and she wanted only the best on the case. Liv had waxed lyrical to her numerous times about what a fantastic, passionate prosecutor the blonde was and Abbie herself had been impressed by her win/loss ratio. The fact that she obviously cared for the detective would only make her all the more determined to see this perpetrator be handed the maximum penalty for his actions.

"We'll be looking for murder in the first degree, death penalty, no deals to be made under any circumstances. Think you can handle that?" Abbie asked, her stare unwavering as she watched for any tell, any sign of nervousness.

"Absolutely," came the vehement reply. Not even the slightest flicker of apprehension registered, such was Alex's determination to contribute in any way she could to seeing justice done for Olivia and Samia's family. "Have you spoken to Jack McCoy about this?"

"Not yet. I wanted to extend the invitation to you first as a matter of courtesy before running it by your boss. I'm sure Jack will see the wisdom in having you on board." Abbie cast her gaze over the visage that was Alex Cabot in the flesh. Their previous meetings had always been brief, momentary occasions which had never afforded her the luxury of studying the infamous attorney. The charcoal colored suit matched with an ice blue blouse lent the formidable blonde an air of impenetrability. It flowed over her body like water, skimming the surfaces of her curves and offering tantalising hints as to what lay beneath. Alex looked at the Federal prosecutor and swallowed thickly, watching the woman's pupils expand as her eyes wandered openly over Alex's own body.

"I'm sure you can be very persuasive when you put your mind to it," she murmured, the words sounding more husky than she had intended.

"Oh I can, Ms Cabot," Abbie replied with a wolfish grin. "It's amazing what two intelligent, attractive women can achieve together."

Clearing her throat a little, Alex attempted a tone somewhat nearer to her norm. "If, we're going to be working together, please, call me Alex." She waited for a confirmatory nod before continuing, "shall I… set up a meeting with Jack? Perhaps over lunch tomorrow?"

"Let's not waste a good lunch on him. Are you free first thing in the morning? We could thrash out the details with McCoy and then perhaps we could discuss finer details between ourselves over lunch?" Abbie purred invitingly and despite her best intentions, Alex found her body reacting to the hungry way she was being appraised.

Alex opened her diary, checking her appointments for the following day and finding that there was nothing pencilled in until trial prep with Detective Tutuola at 10.30am, barring emergencies preventing him from attending. "Tomorrow morning looks fine," she informed her visitor, her tone slipping back to its usual business-like formality. "Let's see how it goes with Jack before we decide if you have time for our lunch meeting though, shall we? I'm sure there are plenty of people queuing up to keep you occupied whilst you're in town." Though Alex was meaning in a professional capacity, she couldn't help but acknowledge that it also could be interpreted as fishing into Abbie's private life too.

Abbie chuckled throatily, "oh I've no doubt Jack will attempt to persuade me to dine with him, which is why I was hoping to be able to turn him down in favour of a legitimate pre-standing arrangement." There was something almost shy, almost coy about Abbie's demeanour as she related her motives to the blonde counsellor.

"Ah I see, I'm a convenient decoy," Alex demurred with a playful mock pout. Despite the reasons for Abbie's arrival, Alex had to admit to herself it was a refreshing change to be able to exchange some light-hearted banter again. She had no regrets, no resentment at being Liv's main support throughout her ordeal but being alert all the time to the tiniest of drops in her friend's demeanour was exhausting. She wasn't sleeping well, always keeping one ear out for the cries and whimpers which heralded another nightmare. When Liv was out of the house, she worried constantly that she wouldn't return and when she was at the apartment with Alex, the blonde found herself always aware of where the other woman was, of the rate of her breathing, of the vibes coming off her. Abbie watched as Alex's guard slipped momentarily, something she suspected was a rarity, allowing her to see the toll the events of the previous week had taken on the younger woman.

"Partly," the raven-haired prosecutor admitted, "but also, I just thought that you might like an all-expenses paid lunch, courtesy of Washington. We don't even have to discuss the case or anything to do with work. We can talk about whatever springs to mind; the weather, the latest celebrity gossip, fashion... Perhaps view it as more of a lunch with a potential friend."

Alex released a weary sigh. "That actually sounds perfect, right about now."

"Excellent, we'll talk times after the meeting with Jack tomorrow. What time should I come over this evening? That is assuming you're still happy for me to invade?" Abbie asked with a genuine smile.

"Of course, Liv will benefit from having someone else's company besides my own and her partner's family," Alex assured the Texan. "I'll be home around seven but Liv is on light duties so she finishes," with a quick check of her watch, Alex continued, "any time now actually. Why don't I give her a call and she can meet you here? You two can go back to mine and catch up for a while and I'll join you later. Unless you had other plans for the early part of the evening…"

"No, not at all, that sounds like an excellent plan, if Liv's agreeable," Abbie concurred, eager to see her old friend again and hoping that if nothing else, she could provide a distraction from her heartbreak. Alex was already dialling, hoping she could catch the detective before she headed home for the day.

"_Benson_," came the tired voice from the other end of the line.

"Liv, it's Alex, where are you? Have you left the precinct yet?"

"_Not yet no, I'm just packing up and getting ready to head out, why? Did you need me to pick something up on my way back to your apartment?_" Olivia asked, pen poised over her notebook ready to jot down whatever shopping list her host had decided on.

"Sort of. There's someone at my office here who'd like to see you. Could you come over on your way?" Alex answered cryptically.

"_Are you ok? Do I need to call for backup? Al, what's going on?_" The panicked tone which greeted her made Alex cringe at her thoughtlessness.

"No, no, nothing like that. God Liv, I'm sorry, no, it's Abbie... Abbie Carmichael. I've invited her to join us for dinner this evening, if you're ok with that?" There was a watery sigh of relief on the other end of the line.

"_No, Alex, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. Of course it's ok for Abbie to come over tonight, you don't need to ask my permission to ask anyone over. I didn't realise she was in town_." Olivia kicked herself for the negative road her thoughts had taken upon hearing Alex's response, fearing that somehow, the bomber had chosen to target her too due to the attorney's connection to her.

"I didn't wish to assume you'd want company tonight, it must have seemed like a long day for you today, being back at work," Alex explained softly. "I'll let Abbie fill you in on why she's come to New York." The prosecutor allowed the audible half of the conversation to settle in her mind, listening to the tone as well as the words. There was definite affection flowing from the stunning blonde, as well as concern and a certain amount of nurturing too. Abbie surmised that Olivia's initial response had to suspect a threat to Alex's wellbeing, which in turn spoke volumes to her about Liv's own level of care for her friend. She suspected that in another time, they might have found their way to one another as more than friends.

"_Ok, I'll see you shortly. I'll just grab my jacket and let the Captain know I'm out for the day._" Alex murmured a quiet farewell before disconnecting the call and turning back to her companion.

"She's on her way." Abbie nodded with a soft smile of her own.

"You really do care about her, don't you?"

"I do, she's my closest friend and I hate to see her going through this. I just want to try and make it a little less lonely for her any way I can," Alex supplied wistfully.

"She's lucky to have a friend like you," Abbie replied sincerely.

"I'd do the same for anyone I called a friend," the blonde informed her, sliding her glasses back onto her face.

"Then I'll work doubly hard to be inducted into that elite group," the Texan quipped with a cheeky wink. "I'll let you get on with your work, looks like you're up to your eyes." Abbie settled back in her chair, reaching into her jacket pocket for her Blackberry, prepared to sit silently until Olivia arrived.

"I'm looking into whether I can apply People vs Marchant in my current case but I'm not sure it's precedent setting enough." The frown that appeared on Alex's smooth brow made Abbie's fingers itch to soothe it away. Nothing should be allowed to mar that facade of perfection, in her opinion.

"What precedent are you hoping to bootstrap your case to?" Abbie asked, her tongue lodged firmly in her cheek and a teasing grin tugging at her lips. She listened as Alex outlined the case she was prosecuting and the gaping holes in the evidence her detectives had been able to secure through measures which would make it admissible in court. "Have you considered using Grikes vs Dobbins? It's a little obscure but it sounds like it would apply to your argument here. It certainly worked in Nevada, judge ruled similar evidence admissible there on the grounds of what happened in the Grikes case."

Alex's frown deepened as she wracked her memory. "I'm not sure I'm familiar with that case," she admitted in frustrated fashion, wondering if there would be any end to the reading she had to do to salvage the case against Louise Sherringham, a woman who had framed her boyfriend for abuse she had meted out to her three young sons. The boyfriend had given the detectives permission to search the loft he was sharing with Sherringham and the children but it had later come to light that he was merely a visitor there with no legal rights to grant such consent, rendering all evidence found inside the apartment and subsequent revelations inadmissible unless Alex could work some magic when she appealed the ruling.

Abbie glanced at the law volume lying open on the desk before crossing to the well stocked shelves on the back wall of the office, behind the large mahogany desk. She trailed a long, slender finger over the spines of the mammoth books held on the shelves until she found the one she was searching for. The raven-haired attorney plucked a dusty tome out of its slot and flicked to the index to locate the case to which she had referred. "Here you go," she exclaimed gleefully, placing the weighty read down on Alex's desk, indicating the passages which she hoped might be of use to her colleague. Neither woman was aware of how close they were to one another until their heads turned. Abbie's free hand rested along the back of Alex's executive leather office chair, her right hand still resting against the page of the book she had deposited in front of the attractive blonde. Alex had leant forward, craning towards where the text of the relevant case began which meant her body was angled against Abbie's own boyish figure, hands resting primly in her lap.

"Thank you, I'll read over it and see if I can work it in," Alex murmured gratefully, her throat feeling a little restricted as she looked up into incredibly soft brown eyes.

"You're welcome." The tension which had seeped into their interactions earlier returned tenfold, as Abbie shifted a little closer, brushing her hand against the seated woman's shoulder. "If you bring a copy of it home tonight, I'd be happy to go through it with you." The way that the brunette referred to them spending the evening together at 'home' sent a frisson of something chasing down Alex's spine. Her pulse began to race and she was sure that there was a blush blooming over her cheeks. It appeared Abbie too had noticed it as she picked her hand up from where it rested on the desk and ever so softly caressed a the warm, peach-like skin with the backs of her fingers. "Perhaps we could rearrange tomorrow. Can I take you to dinner instead of lunch?" the attorney asked of her New York counterpart.

Caught up in the moment, Alex allowed herself to lean into the gentle touch. It had been too long since anyone had shown her this kind of affection, had looked at her with such hunger and desire. The fact that her previous lovers had all been men, at least within her adult life, mattered little in that very moment. "I'd like that," she husked, eyes fluttering shut for a brief second. In that time, Abbie turned her hand and cupped Alex's cheek against her palm.

"Me too. You're a very beautiful woman, Alex…" Any further words were prevented by a sharp rap on the door. Abbie adjusted her position, refocusing on the book containing the case-law she had suggested to the flustered blonde attorney.

"Come in," Alex managed to croak, looking up to see Liv's tousled head poking around the door frame. Abbie smoothly stepped around the desk and pulled Olivia into a warm, comfortable hug as she entered the office, greeting her friend but also allowing Alex time to compose herself.

"Hi Abs, good to see you," Liv stated, dropping a gentle kiss against the taller woman's smooth cheek.

"You too, Liv, always. I just wish it was under better circumstances. I'm so sorry about Sam, sweetheart." The detective simply nodded, her throat constricting in familiar fashion at the heartfelt commiserations.

"Hey Alex, anything you want us to pick up on the way back to your place? We getting takeout tonight?" Turning to their visitor, Olivia asked, "you are joining us for dinner aren't you?" Abbie nodded her assent, turning to look at the woman she had shared a 'moment' with just before Olivia arrived.

"Yeah, I thought so. Whatever you're in the mood for; Thai, Chinese, Italian. As long as it's edible, I don't mind." Alex rubbed her temple, massaging away the beginnings of a headache. "Everything else, I think we already have in unless you want to pick up some beers or something for yourself and Abbie if either of you don't fancy wine with your meal."

"Not cooking for us then, Alex?" Abbie asked, one eyebrow raised which climbed even higher at Liv's bark of laughter.

"You think my cooking's bad, Abs, Alex beats me hands down. How many times have the fire department visited your apartments over the years, Al?" Liv asked teasingly.

"Enough times to know that my place is definitely not in a kitchen. Believe me, it's safer all round if we order in," Alex stated with a self-deprecating chuckle.

"Well if you're willing to trust your kitchen in someone else's hands, I don't mind cooking for us all. We can stop by the store on the way can't we Liv, pick up some steaks and stuff to go with them?" A sparkle of interest lit the brunette's expressive chocolate eyes as she listened to the Texan's enquiry.

"Sure," the detective stated simply.

"You're a guest, I can't expect you to cook." Alex's expression suggested she was aghast at the very idea of a visitor being put to work, a legacy of her upbringing Abbie surmised.

"You're not expecting, I'm offering and the pair of you look like you could use something more nutritious than a takeout." Seeing that she was still facing fierce opposition from the formidable attorney, Abbie changed tack. "Please, Alex, allow me to thank you for offering your apartment as a venue for me to spend some time with Liv. I'd like to cook for you both. For me, it's not a chore in the slightest."

"Well in that case, at least let me give you some money towards it," Alex replied, rising from her seat to fetch her purse but was waved off by an insistent Texan.

"We'll see you in a while, Alex. Let us know when you're leaving so we know what time to expect you home ok?" Liv requested, striding across the room to wrap the slender blonde up in a brief, tight hug. Alex simply nodded, knowing the older woman's concern was borne of her residual fears for all those around her following the bombing.

"Ok, well we'll see you later Counsellor. Remember to bring your appetite and those papers too if you want to brainstorm Grikes vs Dobbins," Abbie called as she and Liv headed out of the door, leaving Alex to attempt to get something productive done with the rest of her working day.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday 9<strong>__**th**__** August 2008**_

_**20.08**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

Sam opened the door ushering Alex inside, pressing a finger to her lips in an effort not to disturb her lover who had crashed on the couch a short while ago.

"Hi," she whispered, moving to take Alex's jacket from her. "Birthday girl had a hard day at work today. Dinner won't be ready for about another half hour so I thought it wouldn't hurt her to grab a catnap."

"Absolutely, I understand. Is there anything I can help you with? I wouldn't advise leaving me in charge of anything flammable but I can pour wine or cut up vegetables at a push." Alex replied, sotto voce so she didn't disturb the slumbering detective. She followed Sam through into the cramped kitchen, allowing herself to be guided by the younger woman's requirements to finalise the preparations for their feast. The quiet, low key meal had been Olivia's request, the detective not wanting a big fuss made of her birthday, it never having been an occasion she felt warranted much celebration given the circumstances surrounding her conception. Fausto and Gina had only agreed to allowing the event to go ahead after extracting a promise from their daughter that she would bring her lover over the following day for a family lunch, so that they too could toast to her continued good health and happiness. The two blondes worked almost silently side by side for almost the entire half hour, their quiet pattern broken only by the occasional prompt from Sam and the sound of knives against wooden chopping blocks.

"Why didn't you wake me when Alex got here?" a groggy Liv groaned as she stumbled into the kitchen rubbing at her eyes and trying to tame her bed hair. "Hi, 'Lex," she tossed out through a yawn, almost as an afterthought, earning herself a quiet, amused reply from the attorney.

Stepping up to her partner and kissing her tenderly, Sam informed righteously, "because sweetheart, you are exhausted and I decided you could do with a few more minutes sleep."

"Urgh, I'm getting too old to chase a suspect down over ten blocks on foot," Liv complained as she leaned heavily against a free area of the breakfast bar.

"Nonsense, you're every bit as fit and active as ever. It's just when you do these things after only a couple of hours sleep and little to no food that your body rebels," Alex supplied knowingly, having been privy to the unit's hectic schedule over the previous few days. The case they were working was a particularly troublesome one and it had touched Olivia deeply. A young woman in her early twenties had arrived at the precinct midweek sharing a horrific tale of long-term abuse at the hands of a male cousin, who in turn had confessed he had been lashing out in response to his own abuse by his father. The father had hired a thug to make the victims recant their statements and it was that thug whom Olivia had had to chase on foot through the busy streets of Manhattan earlier in the day. There was a warrant out for his arrest after he beat the initial complainant so severely she was currently in a coma at Bellevue Hospital with a poor prognosis for recovery even if she did survive her injuries. As was often the case, Liv carried the weight of the attack on her shoulders as though she were personally responsible for not preventing the act of retribution.

"Listen to your friend, Liv, she talks a lot of sense," Sam supplied, turning away to pull the lasagne she had prepared out of the oven as the timer sounded.

"Ok, ok, I get it. I knew it would come back to haunt me, introducing you two to each other. Do I have time to go wash up, babe?" Liv asked, stifling another yawn with a mumbled apology.

"You'd better, you have a touch of drool just here," Sam teased, brushing her thumb sensually against the corner of her lover's mouth. Liv's hand flew to the same area, groaning once again and swatting Sam's pert butt when she found no evidence to support the accusation.

"You're incorrigible and even worse when you have an audience to play to!"

"That was simply amazing, Sam, thank you," Alex expounded enthusiastically as she sat back in her seat, patting her flat stomach in appreciation.

"It certainly was," Liv agreed picking up her lover's closest hand and kissing its knuckles in gentle affection before aiming to rise from her seat and gather the dishes.

"Don't you dare, Olivia Benson. This is your birthday celebration, you do _not_ get to raise a finger. So keep both butt cheeks on that chair or so help me I will let my mother loose on you tomorrow!" Samia threatened, an expression of affronted disbelief on her face which had Alex smothering her laughter so as not to undermine the sentiment, which she wholeheartedly agreed with. She reached out to grab the used plates herself, pausing when the stern gaze swung around and fixed on herself. "And you, Alexandra, are a guest so the same rule applies to you." Alex threw her hands up in submission, knowing better than to argue with the teacher after a few heated debates early into their friendship. "Good, now both of you relax, drink your wine, talk about anything except work and I'll be back in a few minutes with dessert."

The two friends looked at one another after Sam exited, breaking into a peal of laughter at having been so successfully put in their places. "Never mess with a school teacher!" Liv quipped, the food and conversation seemingly having revived her energies. "So come on then, how did your date go last night?"

"Don't ask!" Alex sighed heavily, casting her mind back to the shambles of the previous evening. "He talked the entire time about his ex-wife and his mother, who incidentally are actually now having a relationship with one another! Having spent a couple of hours in his company, I can see why they may have chosen to cut him out of the equation. I kept hoping you'd call asking for a warrant to give me an excuse to get out of there early!"

Liv almost spat the mouthful of wine she had just taken across the table. "Oh please, no tell me you're kidding?" Alex simply shook her head, taking another healthy swig of her own wine whilst wondering why she attracted such pathetic excuses for men as potential partners. "What made you agree to go out with him in the first place?"

"Right now, I honestly don't remember. He seemed like a genuinely decent guy I think." Alex's shoulders slumped a little as she desperately tried to remember why she had overridden her instincts and accepted the dinner invitation with Simon Jacobs. He wasn't stunningly handsome, nor did he hold a position of particular importance. His family were not well connected and he seemed to care little for high end tailoring. In truth, if Alex were to examine her motivation closely, she could only surmise that it had been because his almond-shaped milk chocolate eyes had reminded her of a certain detective.

"A decent guy? Seriously, that's all you think you should be aiming for? Alex, when was the last time you actually looked at yourself in the mirror? You're a beautiful woman and a fantastic person, you deserve so much more than decent. Never settle for adequate when you can have something incredible. If I'd done that, I'd never have considered a relationship with Sami and I'd never have known the best love of my life." As Liv finished her speech, the woman to whom she was referring strolled back into the room bearing a luscious looking baked lemon cheesecake complete with eight candles arranged around its perimeter, one for each decade and one for each additional year to illustrate Liv's 44 years.

"Aw you're such a romantic softie at heart, babe," Sam husked adoringly having caught her lover's final remark. She dropped a kiss on the older woman's head as she passed on her way to the table around which they were eating. "Liv's right though Alex, you shouldn't settle for anything less than you deserve." Alex chose not to respond, preferring to hide her troubled disappointment behind another swig of wine. Sensing the older blonde's discomfort, Sam moved proceedings along, lighting the candles and inviting her lover to make a wish and blow them out.


	21. Chapter 21

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one**_

_**I like a crowd that rises to a challenge! Only 2 more reviews until we reach the dizzy heights of 100 and since we've now whizzed past 95, as promised, the first of (hopefully) two additional chapters today... I'll even give a special public note of thanks to the kind person who posts that 100th review, and perhaps a plate of cyber-cookies too!**_

_**Thank you as always for each and every review. I'm beyond happy to hear so many of you are being won over by Sam's involvement in the story and I thank you for sticking with it, even when original character relationships are not your thing. And so, without further ado, onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Thursday February 19<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**18.06**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Abbie slid into the couch beside the already reclining Olivia. "So how are you holding up really? I know we don't talk all that often but I am here for you, you know that right? Anything you need, any time, just say the word and if I can do it, I will."

"Just promise me you'll nail him when the time comes," Liv pled. The prosecutor had filled her in while they were shopping on the main reason behind her visit. Olivia was glad that the woman had battled to take the case on, knowing that her tenacity would be unleashed full force to see the correct verdict returned.

"You have my word on that. I reckon Alex and I will make a pretty fearsome team, don't you?" The question was asked lightly, but the detective sensed that the Texan was fishing for something more.

"She's not on the menu, Abbie. She's straight and she's a good friend. What she needs is someone to offer her a serious, stable, mutually beneficial relationship not a frantic but short-lived fling that lasts only as long as you're in town for. She's not like I was, she doesn't do one night stands, not with men and to my knowledge, she's never considered a woman." Whilst the detective had been a willing and fully informed recipient of Abbie's indisputable skills in the bedroom, she was also aware of her reputation as a heartbreaker.

"Easy there tiger, no need to build up the barricades. Alex is a grown woman, if she's not interested all she needs do is say so and I'll back off. But I wouldn't be so sure about that assertion she wouldn't consider pursuing at least a little horizontal exercise with a woman, she seemed pretty receptive in her office earlier when she agreed to have dinner with me tomorrow night."

"Abbie…," Olivia practically growled.

"Relax, Liv, I promise I won't break her heart. If she wants something, I'll make sure she knows what she's getting herself into before it goes too far. I daren't run the risk of you kicking my ass into next week if I did anything to hurt her," the raven-haired beauty advised seriously, taking a long pull from her bottle of beer. "Now, how about we chat in the kitchen while we make preparations for dinner? You're not too culinary challenged to cut up vegetables are you?"

"I think I can just about manage that," Liv supplied, allowing the change of topic even while her brain was racing at Abbie's admission Alex had shown some sort of reciprocal interest in the Texan.

The two women set to work finding their way around Alex's pristine kitchen, hunting down utensils, Abbie laughing heartily when she found some of the items she needed still in the packaging in which they had been bought.

"So, how's Washington treating you? You met anyone there you're interested in for anything more than a quick fling?" Liv was genuinely interested to hear where her friend's life was at, not having had much chance to keep up with her news over the past few months.

"It's ok, not that much different to New York really in what's on offer. You know me, not really the settling down type." Abbie busied herself with mixing a unique combination of spices, herbs and chilli flakes together to which she would a dash of lemon juice to create a paste and then use it to coat the sumptuous steaks she had purchased.

"I used to think I was the same, before I met Sam. I'd never wanted to be tied down to one person for the rest of my life. The very idea brought on a sense of claustrophobia. I was afraid I'd lose myself, lose who I was, what made me who I am if I let someone else have that much of a hold on me. But I never felt like that with Sami. She made me want to spend every moment I could of every day with her and it never once felt restricting or overshadowing. If anything, I've felt freer to be myself these last twelve months or so simply because I knew that she loved me unconditionally, because of who I am not in spite of it."

"I'm really sorry I never got the chance to meet her in person, she sounds like she was an incredible woman," Abbie murmured, pausing in her preparations long enough to offer a gentle squeeze to the slightly shorter woman's shoulder. "I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but you are so lucky to have known that kind of connection with someone. I may be a serial philanderer but that doesn't mean I don't dream of the fairytale kind of romance. I've just never met anyone who made me overcome my own disinterest in changing my ways."

"Yet. Don't bet against it ever happening, Abs. After all, I'm no spring chicken and it only just happened for me." Liv gave a tiny shrug as she tried to convince her friend that there was more to life than one night stands and short lived affairs.

"Well, until it does, I'll keep sampling all the delights the menu has to offer," Abbie threw over her shoulder with a saucy wink. Liv simply shook her head with a resigned sigh.

A key in the lock signalled Alex's arrival home from the office. She wearily dropped her keys into the bowl reserved particularly for that purpose on the table in the entry lobby of her spacious apartment. Succulent scents of spices greeted her as she inhaled, reminding her of the company which awaited her once she rounded the corner. Part of her wished she could just go and sink into a hot bath before curling up with a book but she straightened her spine, slipped out of her shoes and nudged her attaché case underneath the table she had deposited her keys on. Plastering on her brightest smile, she wandered into the main part of the apartment, spying the two brunettes reclining casually on the couch, chattering away and catching up on some of Abbie's Washington exploits judging by the snippets Alex overheard.

"Hi, you're home," Liv called softly, spying Alex's approaching form from where she sat, angled towards their visitor, back to the panoramic windows.

Abbie twisted around in her own seat, throwing a warm smile in the direction of the blonde attorney, startled to see just how much more tired the younger woman looked since they had parted company earlier. Southern manners kicking into overdrive, Abbie shot out of her seat, ushering Alex into her vacated spot and ordering her to stay put. "Liv, why don't you go run Alex a bath? Dinner can be held back for another half hour or so."

"I'm fine, I'll be ok in a few minutes, I just need to sit down for a while," Alex lied smoothly, not really feeling in the mood to be centre of attention.

"And I'm the Queen of England," Abbie scoffed gently. "Let us take care of you for a change, you look like you've had a hell of a long day."

"She's right Al, you do look exhausted. Come on, let's get you into a nice hot bath, changed into some more comfortable clothes and by the time you've done that, Abbie's feast should be ready to devour." Liv rose from the couch, holding out a hand to her closest friend, her nurturing instincts driving her to try and revive the young woman's obviously flagging energy reserves. Relenting, purely because she didn't have it in her to continue arguing against two of them, Alex allowed Olivia to help her to her feet and guide her towards her bedroom and the en suite. "You pick out what you want to wear when you get out of the bath, I'll go and get the water running for you. Want me to put any oils in it?"

"No, I'll just freshen up a bit, try and wake myself up a bit and be out to join you in a few minutes," Alex stated quietly, still subdued and preoccupied.

"You sure you're ok, sweetheart?" Liv asked, reaching out a hand to rest her palm against Alex's tense shoulder.

"Yeah… course, just… y'know tired, long day." Alex didn't feel she could share that her mind her been troubled all afternoon by the instantaneous chemistry with the visiting Federal Prosecutor, unsure what it meant or what she should do about it. Having been unaware of Liv moving closer, Alex started a little as she felt strong arms wrap around her, cradling her close and soothing her with gentle strokes along the planes of her taut back. Releasing a long sigh, she sank into the embrace, sliding her own arms around Olivia's slim waist and resting her cheek against a strong shoulder. The brunette felt some of the tension flowing out of the tired body of the attorney. She was content to simply stand there holding Alex for as long as the blonde needed her to, mindful of Abbie's presence but knowing the Texan would not begrudge either woman their moment of comfort. Finally, after long moments, Alex pulled back, retracting her arms and rubbing both hands over her face in an apparent effort to wipe away the lingering fatigue but also to remove the few tears which had launched a sneak attack on her whilst in Liv's hold.

"You looked like you could use that," Liv murmured softly, tucking a stray strand of silky golden hair behind a delicate ear.

"Thanks, Liv." Alex took a deep, shaky breath as she attempted to rein in her emotions and replace her usual stoic mask. Feeling a little more composed, she looked directly at her friend and told her, "I'm going to just grab a quick shower I think now. I don't want to keep Abbie's meal waiting and I'm so tired I'm afraid if I lay in a bath I'd be asleep in no time."

"Sure, I'll leave you to it. Give me a shout if there's anything you need, ok?" Liv stepped out of the bedroom pulling the door closed behind her and wandered back through to the lounge in search of their chef for the evening.

"She ok?" Abbie asked quietly as she strolled out of the kitchen wiping her hands on a cloth.

"She will be, I think she's just had a long, hard day," Liv advised, thinking that perhaps Alex could use some TLC to lift her flagging spirits, so long as she didn't expect Abbie to offer her a long term exclusive relationship.

The three women each groaned as they sat back in their chairs around the dining table, all reaching for their stomachs and rubbing them contentedly.

"Wow, Abbie, that was amazing. Thank you. I don't think I've eaten that much since Liv and I were at Fausto's and Gina tried to feed me an entire year's worth of food in a single sitting!" Alex quipped, the food, wine and company having rejuvenated her somewhat. There were still shadows of fatigue beneath her eyes and she had seemed more content to listen to the tales Abbie and Olivia were freely sharing rather than adding her own input so much but she seemed a little less likely to keel over at least.

"It certainly was, those steaks were divine. Dare I ask you to share the recipe or would there be murder involved?" Liv added her own praise to the cook.

"I'm afraid I would have to kill you, it's a secret family recipe handed down through generations of Carmichaels. My Gramma would come back to haunt me if I let it slip outside the blood line!" Abbie joked with a cheeky grin, moving to gather up the empty plates only to have her hand physically slapped away by the other brunette.

"You cooked, I'll clear up," Liv informed her determinedly.

"You just want to snoop through the trash to find the secrets to the recipe," Abbie teased but allowed her plate to be removed and stacked by the detective.

"Of course I do," Liv replied nonchalantly, as though that was patently obvious. "Why don't you and Alex make yourselves comfortable? I'll be through as soon as I've got this lot in the dishwasher."

"I'll help you clear up, Liv." Alex went to rise from the table but a hand on her shoulder stalled her movement.

"No, you'll go and relax with a glass of wine. Don't make Tex toss you over her shoulder!" At Olivia's instruction, Abbie flexed her bicep as though proving she could and would do just that if needs be.

"Fine," the blonde attorney groused, knowing when she was beaten. "But do just load up the dishwasher, Liv, don't go washing anything by hand."

"Yes boss," the brunette detective agreed with a wink, shooing the pair of them out of the dining room promising to bring more drinks with her when she joined them.

Alex sunk into the luxurious leather of her sofa, tucking her feet underneath her and huddling into the far corner, allowing plenty of room for Abbie to join her if she chose to. Abbie did indeed opt to take a seat on the couch rather than distance herself in one of the armchairs, wanting to be close to the enigmatic blonde.

"Thanks for the tip about Grikes vs Dobbins, I've brought it home with me like you suggested, along with my notes about the case I'm hoping to apply it to, if you'd still be interested in looking over it with me?"

Abbie took a moment to observe the woman beside her, taking in the vulnerable body language, the nervous fiddling with the stem of her wine glass before carefully formulating her response. "When do you need it by? When's your appeal being heard?"

"Monday afternoon," Alex replied, unfurling herself and placing her wine glass on the end table beside the arm of the sofa she was leaning against. Abbie moved swiftly to prevent her from getting up from the couch, scooting closer, placing a hand on Alex's slender knee and squeezing it gently.

"Well I think Liv might have my head if she comes in and finds me encouraging you in bad habits such as working this late at night when you're obviously in need of rest and relaxation. How about we look over it tomorrow after this breakfast meeting with Jack McCoy, if you can spare the time?" Alex looked at the striking brunette who was leaning over towards her, offering a glimpse of the minimal cleavage hidden beneath her crisp, pale blue shirt if she allowed her eyes to drift just beneath the attractive face peering at her.

"That sounds good, I'm not sure I could take much of anything in tonight anyway," the attorney confessed, attempting to suppress a wide yawn.

"That's settled then, no work talk tonight, at all," Abbie stated confidently, leaning back into the sofa's cushions and draping her arm along the back so that her hand rested just behind Alex's head. She couldn't prevent herself from toying gently with a few of the baby soft strands as they began to exchange small talk about their experiences at law school, comparing horror stories of late nights and chauvinistic tutors and students. They had migrated closer to the centre of the sofa, their bodies moving of their own accord without conscious effort, so that by the time Olivia joined them, they had their heads bent together laughing heartily at a particularly descriptive story Abbie had shared.

"Now that looks like trouble; two lawyers with their heads together, cackling evilly. Please tell me I'm not the one who's about to be on the receiving end of whatever you're plotting?"

"Oh no, don't worry, I've long since exacted revenge on the person responsible for causing this particular bout of laughter!"Abbie assured her friend, turning to watch Liv lower herself, still a little gingerly, into one of the nearby arm chairs. "I was just sharing my Schillick encounter with Alex and explaining to her how I got my own back." Liv nodded, an expression of realisation settling over her features, almost but not quite masking her grimace. "You ok there, Liv?" Alex's attention focused sharply on her friend at Abbie's gentle question.

"Yeah, just taken my last lot of pain meds for the night so you might have to excuse me before very long. The day time ones are ok but the night ones are still that little bit stronger, tend to make me drowsy," Liv confessed with a wry smile. Alex offered her a proud smile in return, glad to see the older woman listening to her body and taking action without prompting this time.

"That's ok then. I was just about to whip your butt if you hadn't already taken something to help you with the obvious pain you're still feeling. Is that normal? To still be in noticeable pain this long after the surgery?" Abbie asked, genuinely interested, never having had to undergo an operation of any kind fortunately.

"It might have something to do with the fact that she insisted on running five miles on the treadmill yesterday at the gym," Alex informed the Texan, her tone still admonishing her friend for pushing herself too hard so soon after her hospital stay.

"If I want to get off desk duty any time soon, I need to push myself some. I won't do more than I feel able to do, I'm not about to jeopardise my career." Liv had made a similar promise to Alex the day before when she had arrived back from the gym cradling her stomach with one arm, obviously in a significant amount of discomfort. She knew that both women were only taking her to task over it because they cared about her long term welfare.

"I trust you won't or you'll not only have Alex to answer to but me too," Abbie assured the older woman sternly.

"And Gina and Fausto as well, I've no doubt," Alex added. Liv felt the familiar clouds of fog beginning to smooth off the edges of her consciousness and opted to make a move to bed while she was still able to make it under her own steam, not willing to let Abbie see her so weak she needed that much assistance.

"Thanks for dinner tonight Abs, it was wonderful and I've really appreciated your company too. I wish we could have got together under better circumstances and that you could have got to meet Sam in person, you'd have liked her and she'd have kept you on your toes, wouldn't she Alex?" The blonde grinned at the notion.

"Oh absolutely, she ate lawyers for dinner – I should know, she got the better of me on more than one occasion!" Abbie released a hoarse bark of laughter at the notion, suddenly even more sorry she hadn't made the time to come and visit sooner. That would have been a sight for sore eyes, she was sure.

"If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and let these tablets knock me out in bed." Liv kissed both women on the cheek as she made her way out of the lounge and into her bedroom, leaving the door ajar just in case she had a need for Alex during the night. Once she was gone, Abbie turned back to the younger woman seated beside her, glad to see she hadn't moved away too far.

"I should probably be heading back to my hotel too, let you get some rest. I'll need you firing on all cylinders in the morning if we're to persuade Jack McCoy to release you for the duration of a trial when an arrest is made." Abbie softened her words with a genuine smile and a squeeze of the nearest porcelain-skinned hand.

"You're welcome to stay… if you like… I mean I can only offer you the couch with Liv staying in the spare room but it's late and I've plenty of blankets and pillows…" Further rambling was prevented by soft fingers over her lips.

"I'll stay on one condition," Abbie paused, making sure she had Alex's complete attention before continuing, "if Liv needs anything during the night, I'll see to her. You're exhausted, you need a decent night's sleep so close your door, put ear plugs in, whatever you need to do to sleep through until morning without being disturbed." She could see that the attorney was preparing to offer further objections and opted to play on the chemistry she knew she wasn't imagining between them. Cupping Alex's alabaster cheek, she tenderly ran her thumb over a sculpted cheekbone. "Please, Alex, let me take the responsibility off you, just for one night."

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><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**01.37**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Despite her promise to Abbie, Alex was out of bed and running towards Olivia's room as soon as she heard the detective's horrified cry. The Texan's long legs meant that she just beat the blonde through the door, scowling at Alex and shaking her head.

"I thought we had a deal," she growled softly, not breaking her stride once. The raven-haired attorney slid onto the queen-sized bed beside the thrashing detective, soothing a hand over Olivia's brow and through her hair. Seeing Alex approaching the opposite side of the bed, Abbie whispered, "is she often like this?"

"Less often than when it first happened but some days are worse than others," Alex perched on the farthest side of the bed, reaching across to place a delicate hand on her friend's shoulder. Turning her attention to the stricken woman completely, Alex begun murmuring, trying to coax Liv out of her nightmare without startling her.

"Alex?" the detective muttered groggily as she became more aware of her surroundings. As consciousness returned even further, she also realised that the hand still stroking her hair didn't belong to the blonde lawyer. Tilting her eyes towards the door side of the bed, she groaned at the realisation that Abbie was still there. Then her attention was drawn to the fact that both attorneys were in sleepwear belonging to Alex and her mind jumped to the only conclusion it was capable of in that moment. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt anything. I'll be fine now, go back to bed, both of you…"

"Liv we weren't…" Alex began as Abbie too chimed in.

"I'm on the couch, Olivia." All three women blushed a little at the insinuation Abbie and Alex had been in bed together. Liv simply looked to Alex, hoping she would know what she needed without her having to vocalise it in front of their guest.

"I'll take it from here Abbie," Alex advised softly, eyes never leaving Liv's distraught face.

"No you won't, we had a deal, remember Counsellor. Why don't you go and get yourself tucked back under the covers, Liv and I will be ok, won't we?" Abbie asked, one eyebrow raised as she flicked her gaze between the two women.

"It's fine Abbie, I'm awake anyway and I won't settle again until I know Liv's ok. Please, don't make a big deal out of this." There was a pleading tone to Alex's voice, begging the Texan not to make it more difficult for Liv than she knew it already was, just from the expression on her face.

"This bed's big enough for all of us, shuffle over Liv, you're about to be the filling in a lawyer sandwich." Abbie stood and pulled the blanket up, giving neither woman further chance to object as she slid into the space that Liv hurriedly created to avoid being lain upon. With a tiny shrug and a shake of her tousled blonde head, Alex followed suit, crawling beneath the covers on the opposite side of the bemused detective.

"You ok with this?" she asked quietly as Liv rolled onto her side, Abbie moulding herself to her back and spooning her from behind.

"I…I…I guess," Liv stammered, not entirely sure she'd be able to relax and get back to sleep in Abbie's arms.

The brunette attorney soothed a hand down Liv's arm. "It's ok, Liv, I've no designs on doing anything besides holding you. I am capable of being your friend you know and I was just trying to help Alex to get some rest too. You're both worn out. If it really does make you uncomfortable though, I can go, I can head back to the couch, just say the word." Liv twisted her head around, her body still facing Alex, so she could respond to Abbie's questions.

"No, no, it's… it's fine. It's just been a while since you and I have shared a bed. Stay, you're here now, both of you. Let's just try and get some sleep and I'll try to keep the kicking to a minimum." Turning back around to face her blonde friend, Liv requested on a whisper, "could I hold you like you usually hold me?"

"Of course you can sweetheart, anything that'll help you get some rest," Alex agreed dropping a tender kiss on the older woman's brow before shuffling around until she was facing away from Liv, backing up until she felt the firm body at her back. The last thing the woman in the middle was aware of was Abbie draping her arm across both Liv's and Alex's bodies and murmuring a quiet 'goodnight'.


	22. Chapter 22

_**Disclaimer: see chapter 1**_

_**You've surpassed yourselves! 104 reviews! Huge thanks to all of you and as promised a special shout out to kcn . fanfiction for leaving the 100th review - cyber-cookies coming your way. (Had to put the spaces in or it wouldn't accept your screen name!) I'll be raising a toast to you all this evening. And also as promised, a third chapter for today. Hope it lives up to previous chapters :)**_

_**I'll be back tomorrow with another chapter.**_

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><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**04.16**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Abbie stirred as the woman in her arms shifted a little further away from her embrace. The Texan let her go, figuring that she was gravitating towards the body she was more comfortable with… until she became aware that there were only two bodies in the bed; her own and Olivia's. Groggily, she watched the brunette cuddle into the pillow Alex had been lying on, apparently finding sufficient comfort from her lingering scent to remain steadily slumbering. Releasing her friend entirely, Abbie slipped out of the bed as stealthily as she could and went in search of the errant attorney, checking her own bedroom briefly but unsurprised to find it empty. Her bare feet made quiet sucking noises as they traversed across the wooden floors of the apartment, announcing her approach unintentionally. She padded into the lounge area, frowning a little when that too came up empty. Wandering further, she poked her head around the doorjamb of the kitchen but once again found no signs of life. The quiet rustling of paper alerted the prosecutor to the whereabouts of the woman she sought and with a soft sigh, she pushed off the wall outside the kitchen doorway and made her way through into the dining room. Sure enough, there sat Alex, bent over numerous loose-leaf pages of written text, her workspace illuminated only by the desk lamp which Abbie had previously seen residing on the bookshelf during their meal.

"That doesn't look much like getting a good night's sleep, Counsellor," the Texan murmured softly, hoping not to startle the focused woman. Despite her intentions, Alex still jumped in her seat, clutching a hand to her chest as she spun around to face her inquisitor.

"What are you doing up? Is Liv ok?" Alex asked a little frantically, casting her gaze into the gloom beyond her second houseguest as though expecting the detective to appear at her shoulder.

"She's fine, cuddled up with your pillow fast asleep. I wanted to check you were alright when I saw you weren't in bed with us still. I didn't keep you awake snoring or anything did I?" Abbie asked teasingly, stepping further into the room and pulling out the chair closest to her blonde co-counsel.

"No, not at all. I woke up and my brain kicked into gear. I knew there was no way I'd get back to sleep so I figured I'd do something useful." Alex shuffled the papers in front of her, pulling another sheaf towards her with every intention of reading over the information they contained too. Her eyes felt like they had an entire desert in them, so scratchy and irritated were they in her fatigue but her mind was awhirl with ideas and notions, arguments and interpretations. Abbie's soft, long-fingered hand paused her motion, capturing her own more dainty hand and pulling it into the Texan's lap.

"Useful? Or just something to distract yourself from your own pain?" Despite the younger woman's attempts to escape, Abbie refused to let her go.

"You know nothing about me," she spat uncharacteristically venomously.

"Maybe not but you'd have to be blind not to see that you're suffering too, right along with Olivia." With her free hand, the raven-haired beauty reached up to tuck Alex's flaxen locks behind her ear, trailing gentle fingers down the smooth porcelain cheek which lay beneath. "You're trying so hard to be so strong, so together, so stoic for your friend that you're not allowing yourself to grieve, to mourn Sam's loss, to process the full implications of what has happened." Alex finally tore herself away, wrenching her hand free as she shot up out of the chair, looking to bolt, to escape from this woman who seemed to be able to read her so clearly despite her walls and defences.

"Leave it alone," the SVU attorney hissed dangerously. Less fearless opposition would have heeded the warning and allowed her retreat but Abbie was nothing if not relentless.

"I can't do that." She followed the other woman step for step, prowling towards the kitchen in Alex's wake.

"Please…" This time it was more of a whimpered plea, Alex's resolve weakening in the face of the dogged pursuit. "Why are you doing this?" she cried.

"Because Liv needs you. She needs you to be there for her for years not just a couple of weeks or months until you're too exhausted to do anything for anyone including yourself." Abbie closed the remaining distance between them, effectively trapping Alex against the work surface, leaning into her with one arm on either side of the lithe blonde's body. Alex raised her own arms, pushing feebly against her captor. "Let it go, Alex," Abbie murmured encouragingly.

"Don't…" Alex implored, her quiet voice hitching.

"You'll feel better for it in the long run. Please, don't make Liv go through watching you destroy yourself." The dark-haired woman gathered the attorney into a fierce embrace, still feeling her struggling against the need to release all her pent up tension and fear and frustration. "It's ok to be human, Alex. It's ok to hurt, you don't have to be strong all the time. You're safe, I've got you, let it out. Let go." As though a switch had been flicked within the blonde's soul, she swung from pushing Abbie away to clinging on to her as though her life depended on maintaining their physical contact. She cried harder than she had cried since her first days in Witsec, leaning heavily against the visiting brunette, burying her head into a solid shoulder and allowing all the pain, regrets and fears she had suffered over the years flow out of her. Abbie offered no promises, no false platitudes, no glib words of advice, simply standing by silently, giving physical comfort and a safe haven for Alex to breakdown in. Eventually, the distraught blonde cried herself out, the heart wrenching sobs tapering off to occasional sniffles and hiccoughs. Still, Abbie made no move to relinquish her hold on the other woman, allowing Alex as much time as she wanted and needed to regain herself before responding to the almost imperceptible withdrawal Alex was attempting.

"I'm sor…" Alex's attempted apology was cut off by two slender fingers pressing against her lips.

"No, you don't apologise. You let me tuck you back into bed with Olivia and you finally get some rest." Abbie was already guiding the lithe blonde through her apartment towards the guest bedroom, not prepared to be dissuaded from her path. To both of their surprise, Alex offered no resistance, nor did she make any further attempts at apologising. Something within her felt freer and more settled than she had in as many years as she could remember, as though a knot of tension she had been unknowingly carrying was suddenly unravelled leaving behind a sense of calm. Abbie steered her into the dimly lit bedroom, the nightlight Olivia insisted on keeping on illuminating only a relatively small area, casting great swathes of shadow across the generously sized room. They negotiated their way over to the bed as Alex released a wide yawn, her eyes already drooping at the prospect of having an opportunity to sleep some more. Abbie helped her to climb under the covers without disturbing the still snoozing detective, tucking the blankets back around her and soothing a tender hand over the crown of her head affectionately. "Sweet dreams, Alex," the Texan whispered before pressing a soft kiss to the smooth brow of the attorney.

"What about you?" Alex murmured sleepily, fighting not to give in to the almost crushing need to close her eyes.

"Don't worry about me, I'll be fine on the couch. Sleep now, you've got time for another couple of hours before the alarm goes off." Even as Abbie completed her command, Alex was getting lost in a descending fog of fatigue, letting the warmth of the covers and the comfort of Liv's body beside her lull her off to sleep.

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><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**06.24**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex slowly became aware of the world around her, sleep receding and consciousness flooding back. With it came a comfortable awareness of Olivia's body still pressed up against her front, although at some point the brunette had turned in the embrace and was now facing her, head buried into the crook of Alex's neck. She inhaled deeply, breathing in the scent that was uniquely Liv along with the unmistakeable aroma of rich, freshly brewing coffee. Gently extracting herself from the tangle of limbs, the attorney hauled herself out of bed, rubbing her face tiredly and grimacing at the pounding headache standing up had triggered.

"Mornin' Counsellor," Abbie drawled softly as she caught sight of the approaching blonde. She pulled out a stool for her at the breakfast bar and slid a mug of coffee into place along with sugar and cream to be added as required.

Alex sank gratefully into the seat, the pain in her head almost overwhelming her. "Hi," she murmured as she let her head drop, resting it against her palms, elbows propped up on the breakfast bar to take the weight.

Abbie was studiously aware that there had been no attempt at eye contact and hoped that she had not overstepped the mark during the early hours of the morning when she had encouraged Alex to release some of her pain. "Do you have any pain meds around here? You look like you could use a couple," the Texan inquired stepping around the island and moving a little closer to her companion, making sure not to crowd her too much.

"I'll be fine as long as someone got the licence plate of the truck that hit me," Alex quipped, head still bowed, a mirthless chuckle escaping her lips. Aware of Abbie's approach, she forced herself to look up into concerned eyes, "I'm ok really, just takes a while some mornings to convince my head it's time to wake up."

"Yeah?" Abbie couldn't help herself. She reached out and stroked the back of her fingers down Alex's cheek softly. The blonde sighed and leant into the touch, eyes flickering closed momentarily. It felt so nice, so good, so long since anyone had shown her such open affection that she was helpless to resist. "Did you sleep any better when you went back to bed?" Abbie allowed her caress to continue, shuffling just a little closer, still giving the younger woman ample room and time to flee should she choose to.

"I think so. I'm not consciously aware of being awake again during the night," Alex answered, her head lolling a little in her ongoing fatigue, rolling towards Abbie's toned torso.

"That's good. Must mean you and Liv both got a few hours undisturbed sleep." The brunette let her hand drift down onto the seated woman's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze before nudging the coffee closer to Alex. "Get some caffeine in you, grab a shower and I'll meet you at your office in about an hour, ok? Breakfast is on the Federal Government so is there anything you'd particularly like this morning?"

"Whatever you bring I'm sure Jack will appreciate the Federal Government's generosity. I'd settle for a multigrain bagel with low fat soft cheese or a fruit pot." Alex breathed in deeply, adding a dash of cream to the coffee in front of her and bringing the steaming mug to her lips.

"I'll see what I can do. I'd better head back to the hotel, to shower and change myself so I've time to pick up breakfast on my way to our meeting with McCoy." Abbie pushed herself off the island counter, letting her hand run down Alex's arm as she moved, squeezing her forearm supportively before adding, "by the way, I had a quick look over your case. I've made a couple of notes for how Grikes vs Dobbins might help you win your appeal. I hope you don't mind."

"Thanks, I'll look over them before the meeting," Alex made to get up, obviously intending to investigate immediately.

Abbie forcibly steered the blonde back into her seat, firm hands on both shoulders. "Coffee, shower, meeting at your office, then you can take time to look over the appeal. It's not going anywhere, it's not urgent and you have a good case for the evidence being included on the grounds of it being a good faith search. Don't make me take the notes with me, Alex." The Texan watched shadows chase one another across Alex's patrician features as an internal battle obviously raged. Finally, resignation became the overriding sentiment displayed, satisfying Abbie that the dedicated attorney wouldn't defy her as soon as she was out of the door. "I'll see you in around an hour."

Once the front door closed behind the lanky brunette attorney, Alex released a ragged breath, her skin tingling from where Abbie had stroked it so tenderly. She flicked her eyes towards the arched doorway leading to the dining room, knowing it would be so easy just to take a stroll through and skim over the notes Abbie had mentioned but decided that, as her companion had stated, it could wait until after breakfast. Instead, she swigged down the rest of her coffee, placed the mug in her deep stainless steel sink and padded into her en suite to take a refreshing shower.

Olivia groaned as she rolled onto her back in the spacious queen-sized bed, her limbs stiff and unco-operative, a testament to a night devoid of too much thrashing around. She heard quiet humming coming from the direction of Alex's room and decided to go and see what had the attorney in such a good mood that morning. The sight which greeted her made her jaw drop comically. Alex stood by her bed, hair piled on top of her head and messily held by a raft of clips, grips and barrettes but it was not that which stole Liv's attention. Rather it was the visage of Alex Cabot, always meticulously turned out, humming quietly to herself as she stood in only her bra and suit pants obviously struggling over which shirt she should wear. Before she could extract herself without the blonde noticing, Alex's head rose, eyes locking with Liv's wide, brown orbs.

"Ah, perfect timing!" Alex cried, seemingly oblivious to her current state of undress… or to what it might do to a person's libido! Liv defied any human not to marvel at the fine musculature on display. "Come and help me choose which colour goes best with this suit," Alex called, beckoning the detective closer.

"Ummm…" Liv stuttered, shuffling into the room on autopilot, barely able to tear her eyes away from the almost naked torso in front of her. Clearing her throat in an attempt to avoid sounding like a puberty-stricken boy, Liv tried to engage in semi-normal conversation, "I've never known co-ordinating an outfit to be a problem for you before, what's different about today? Someone you're out to impress, Counsellor?" The brunette suspected she knew the answer already, surmising that the object of her friend's desired affection might just happen to be a tall, willowy brunette ADA from Washington. It was an assumption she wasn't altogether certain she was happy about.

"Not particularly, I think they both look good but I'd like a second opinion. It's not a luxury I usually have, living on my own," Alex supplied demurely, confusion flooding her core as she tried to avoid examining too closely a) why she wanted to make an extra effort with her appearance that day and b) why she had impulsively invited Olivia to join her despite her current lack of clothing on her upper body. Granted, she had seen Olivia topless frequently, over the past few weeks in particular while she tended to her injuries, but it was the first time the detective had been present when Alex was anything other than fully-clothed in some manner. The way the older woman's eyes darkened as they raked over her toned body sent shivers chasing down her spine.

"Trust me, 'Lex when I say that you never look anything less than spectacular," Olivia husked, voice deeper and more sensual than she had intended. Her eyes drifted to the puckered scar at Alex's shoulder, a stark reminder of how they had been separated for too many years. Without thinking, the brunette stooped and placed a gentle kiss against the marred skin.

"Liv…" Alex gasped, stiffening at the contact for two very diverse reasons. She had allowed no one to touch her in any intimate way in the region of her scar since the shooting, not wanting to draw attention to it. But Olivia had, she had simply laid her lips against the ridged, uneven flesh, without giving her chance to object. And Alex was both terrified and elated by it. Terrified of the flood of memories that it unleashed; memories of lying on the sidewalk, vaguely aware of pressure against her shoulder, eyes glazed and staring up at the night sky unable to focus on anything except the occasional soothing word from Olivia's frantic lips. And elated because it didn't bring her to her knees because of her fear. Rather it filled her with a sense of awe, a feeling of deep-seated contentment and the sensation of being truly, wholly accepted in spite of her scars. Not to mention the flood of desire which raced its way to her core as lips she had dreamed about, fantasised about, latched on to her flesh for real.

"You're beautiful and anyone who gets to share their life with you is a very lucky…person," the detective hedged as she raised her head and looked directly into Alex's cobalt gaze. She had found herself unwilling to vocalise her assumption that Alex was categorically and unequivocally heterosexual, lest she prove herself an unobservant fool. No small part of her also acknowledged that she didn't want to have it acknowledged, not sure she could handle losing that tiny flicker of a fantasy she carried regarding a possible mutual attraction between them.

"Thank you, Liv, so are you," Alex gulped, desperately trying to compose herself and not do whatever it took to feel those lips again.

"So what are you looking for?" Olivia asked ambiguously.

"I er…ummm… what… what?" Alex stammered, mind racing as to what Olivia could possibly mean.

"Your shirt choice, what look are you going for?" Liv clarified, a little amused by her friend's stupefied expression.

"Oh right… of course… umm, well something professional and confident without seeming arrogant, something that Jack McCoy will take me seriously in when I meet with him and Abbie this morning but that will look ok for the meeting this afternoon with Mrs Tallec and her attorney also." The two women looked between the slate-gray pants the attorney was wearing and the choices Alex had laid out on her bed; a pale lavender button down with oversized cuffs at the wrist or a more feminine and distinctly lower cut baby blue blouse with intricate patterned stitching across the front panels.

"Will you be changing before going to dinner with Abbie?" Liv asked casually, as though the knowledge was merely an aid to her decision making process.

"I…uh… I presume so yes," Alex flustered, a blush creeping over her still semi-naked chest and up her neck as she realised Liv knew that Abbie had asked her out… and that she had agreed to go. Suddenly, she felt exposed, which she considered was rather ironic given her lack of clothing throughout the entire conversation.

"This one for the day then, it's more business-like," the detective decreed, laying a hand on the lavender shirt, fingers caressing it softly.

"Thanks," the attorney murmured genuinely, reaching to retrieve the selected garment, suddenly in a hurry to finish dressing. "So… um… are you ok with me going out tonight? With Abbie?" she asked at length as she fumbled with the shirt's miniscule buttons.

"Alex, you're a grown woman, you don't need my permission to go anywhere… with anyone," Olivia began, her tone suggesting that there was more she wanted to say prompting Alex to keep her counsel. "Do I have an issue with you going out for the evening with a woman? Unlikely, unless I'm going for the title of 'World's Greatest Hypocrite'. Do I have my concerns that that woman is Abbie Carmichael? A few, if I'm honest, but she's promised me she won't hurt you and as long as you know what you're getting yourself into then… if you want to pursue any kind of liaison with Abbie, you'll have my support, both of you. So long as it doesn't get in the way of you two working together."

"And what if I don't know what it is that I want, Liv? What if the only reason I'm even reacting to Abbie is because it's been so long since anyone wanted me?" Alex brutally yanked her hair down from where it was piled haphazardly on top of her head, crossing to her dresser and beginning to attempt to tame it into something more suited to her schedule for the day.

"Are you averse to pursuing a purely physical thing? Abbie is a dear friend, but I can guarantee that if you go into anything with her expecting romance and long-term plans, you'll be sadly disappointed," Olivia cautioned. "And don't kill me for asking but just how long is it since you were with someone you wanted to be with? Not out of duty or for appearances sakes but because they made you want them, made you want to be with them in every sense?"

"I…I don't know. Robert was… a mistake. Jim an even bigger one. My Witsec fling was because I was lonely and desperate to feel alive, to feel anything. The few other… liaisons since I came back to New York were as a result of me trying to find myself, trying to define who I was, who I wanted to be but I just ended up finding out more about who I'm not. I've slept with men before casually, one night occasions never to be repeated or spoken about, is it really all that different with women? Is it not ok just to want some affection, some companionship, a decent…?" Alex asked, shying away from completing her final thought, as she continued to tousle her hair into a carefully styled creation.

"Wow, I… I never realised you felt that way. If you're that lonely, Al, why not make a more concerted effort to find someone who you do connect with?" A sudden realisation hit the brunette, "you're saying you've never slept with a woman before?"

"No, not really. I fooled around some in college with a classmate one year but I just put it down to youthful experimentation. I've successfully managed to suppress any such urges during my adult years. As a Cabot, certain things are expected of you and certain things you are raised to know are definitely unacceptable. To the Cabot dynasty, marrying for love is a myth; marriage is to be viewed and conducted like a business transaction. The match should be beneficial to both parties, if it happens to be complimentary as well, that is simply an irrelevant by-product," Alex recited with practiced ease, obviously lessons she had had drilled in to her from an early age.

"So you simply haven't met the most beneficial candidate to merge with yet?" Olivia asked incredulously, unable to perceive of her closest friend ending up in a loveless, unhappy union solely for appearances sakes.

"I've made it clear I have no intention of making any kind of merger simply to appease my relations. I think that was one of Mother's most bitter disappointments even before my 'death'. I've no doubt she carried the burden of shame of me 'dying' a spinster with her to her own grave. Daddy was less entrenched in all that archaic nonsense but even so, he tried so hard to talk me out of pursuing a career in law. He thought that it would make me too argumentative and feisty to be a good wife and, someday, mother. He considered it a waste of my physical attributes. I pointed out that the only boys or men who came sniffing around were only interested in getting their hands on our money or their bodies in my bed for very little in return, not what I would consider to be a successful merger and not something I would accept regardless of my career." In some respects, Alex's assurances only served to heighten Olivia's growing horror at what she could only envisage to be a long, bleak and lonely existence for her friend.

"You make it sound like you're resigned to being alone for the rest of your days."

"Perhaps that's how it's meant to be. If I still want to stand any chance of becoming DA one day, I can't afford to be distracted. That's not to say I'm not open to the occasional, very discrete brief dalliance with someone I can trust not to use it against me further down the line and that would especially apply to a female lover until such a time as society has evolved enough to consider voting for an openly gay District Attorney," Alex confessed, startled at just how raw the wound was which their discussion had unintentionally opened up. She realised with a grim clarity that it was not just the prospect of growing old alone which hurt so deeply but also the thought of Liv not being an integral part of her life.

"So you'd never allow yourself the kind of relationship Sam and I shared? You'd never give yourself that chance to be happy?" Liv asked, her voice thick with emotion, distressed at the thought of anyone being so isolated through fear of repercussions from society.

"I can't imagine it, not unless someone very special asked me to," Alex admitted quietly, her own voice tight and tense.

"I'd better let you finish getting ready. I'll stay elsewhere tonight, give you and Abbie some privacy in case you want to… bring her back here after dinner." Alex wanted to stop her friend, wanted to tell her that she didn't have to do that but Liv had already made good her escape, disappearing into the guest bathroom and locking the door behind her. With a heavy, aching heart, Alex finished getting ready for her early meeting.


	23. Chapter 23

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**Wow... just WOW! You guys are awesome and possibly quite spectacular overachievers too! We shot for 100 reviews yesterday and rocketed up to 123! Thank you so much! That just rocks my world and my muse is jumping up and down itching to get more writing done as I type this (she's actually battering me over the head with ideas screaming at me to get them down so I'm going to keep this brief lest she go into a sulk and refuse to talk to me if I ignore her much longer!) But to quickly answer elliebelliemellie's question about the expected length of this tale, I can see it lasting a good while longer yet. So far, 37 chapters are written, a 38th is well on its way to completion and there is a whole lot of mileage left to go yet so I'd say it's possible there could be 50 or more chapters but it will all depend on little miss muse :) Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Friday October 17<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**19.34**_

_**Fausto's restaurant, East 4**__**th**__** Street**_

"Sorry I'm so late," Olivia apologised as Gina let her in through the family entrance. Taking in her daughter's girlfriend's dishevelled appearance and subdued demeanour, Gina ushered her inside, waving off her apologies with a warm smile and a brief tight hug. She watched the detective stride over to where Samia and Fausto sat at the dinner table where she offered Gina's husband a firm nod of greeting before dropping a tender, chaste kiss against Sam's pale cheek. Standing behind her seated lover, hands resting on her shoulders, Olivia's attention returned to the matriarch, asking, "can I help you with anything?"

"You certainly can, my dear girl, you can help me by taking the weight off your feet and eating a generous serving of my food," Gina informed her with a stare which brooked no argument.

The brunette meekly slid into the vacant chair beside her partner, allowing the younger woman to take hold of her hand. Ordinarily, the small act of comfort would soothe her soul instantly but after the events of her day, there was little, she suspected, which would offer any kind of salve that night. Her expression remained troubled during the first two courses of the meal and although she offered occasional input into the conversation around her, it was clear to all parties that her mind was predominantly elsewhere. There was a brief break in the feast as Gina invited Fausto to join her in the kitchen to assist with final preparations for dessert and to set the coffee going, a convenient excuse to give Olivia and Sam a moment alone.

The ebullient blonde swivelled on her plush dining chair to face the older woman, sliding a hand up a toned, trembling thigh. "Bad day huh?" she murmured sympathetically.

"I don't want to talk about it," Liv replied firmly, turning her head towards her lover and stilling the motion of Sam's hand by placing her own over the top of the wandering digits.

"That's ok, no one's going to push you to, but can you please try to let it go and join us fully here?" Sam asked, gently, not meaning for it to come across as a dig but finding it increasingly uncomfortable to carry on conversations around the brooding detective.

"You think I wouldn't love to be able to just walk away from my job and forget about it when I'm off duty?" Olivia spat, more bitterly than she intended. Rubbing a tired hand over her eyes, she sighed, "I'm sorry, that was unfair, I shouldn't have snapped at you." With a pause, Liv continued, "it was a mistake coming tonight, I'm not good company. I'm just going to…"

"You're going nowhere," Sam interrupted, knowing where the brunette was headed. "You need to be around people, not be by yourself with nothing to do except brood over whatever it is that happened today that has affected you like this." Sam cupped a smooth cheek in her palm, bringing Olivia's chocolate gaze up to meet her own. "If you want to just sit and listen to conversations, that's ok but sweetheart, please do _listen_, don't hide away from us, from me, inside your head and struggle on in silence." Liv couldn't bring herself to respond verbally, not trusting her voice to hold out and not sure she could offer any kind of promise to obey the request. Instead, she simply leant forward and place a tender kiss on the teacher's cheek, accompanied by a brief, sad smile. Further discussion was prevented by the return of Sam's parents, ferrying a pot full of steaming, rich, aromatic coffee and a sumptuous-looking tiramisu dessert to the dinner table.

"I made the coffee de-caff, I don't want to prevent us all from sleeping tonight," Gina stated in her typical motherly fashion as she poured a mug of the hot beverage for every person at the table, leaving them each to add cream and sugar as they pleased. "Who has room for dessert?"

"I do Mama, you know I'll never refuse your tiramisu," Sam replied giddily as she spun back around in her chair to face the table.

Olivia reached for the glass of water in front of her, taking a delicate sip and trying to quell the churning turmoil which was making her queasy. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to pass. As delicious as it looks, if I ate anything else I'd spoil what I'd already eaten. Thank you, for a wonderful meal."

Gina frowned slightly, having watched the brunette push the lasagne around her plate, nibbling only scant few mouthfuls before declaring herself finished. Wisely, with the aid of a pointed stare from her daughter, the older blonde opted not to challenge the detective's statement, instead turning her attention to her husband.

"Well, if there's spare dessert going, I'd better have twice as much, hadn't I?" Fausto joked to ease the growing tension.

"How can you be so scrawny when you eat like a horse?" Gina queried in an astonished tone, her husband's appetite never failing to amaze her. She envied his metabolism, knowing that she only needed to look the wrong way at a piece of cake for it to attach it's sweet calories to her hips.

"It's all the energy I expend keeping up with you, bella," the hen-pecked husband rejoined, good naturedly teasing his wife and offering her a twinkling smile filled with genuine affection. As peace fell over the table once more, with three occupants busily tucking in to their delectable dessert, each Camanetti became hyper-aware of Liv's vacant stare fixated on her water glass. Surreptitiously, Samia reached across the expanse separating them, under the cover of the table and placed a hand on the distracted brunette's knee, stroking it tenderly, offering silent support and, she hoped, comfort.

"Sami, I think it's your turn to help me with the dishes this evening. Fausto, you and Olivia go through to the lounge, sit by the fire, relax. We'll be through in a little while." The matriarch shooed her husband and the brunette out of the dining room once their meal was over, giving them no room for objections or negotiations. Olivia still looked as though she might argue but Fausto intervened.

"Come Olivia, will you join me in a drink of something a little stronger than water? I have a taste for whiskey after all that rich food." With a silent nod of acquiescence, Liv followed Sam's father through to the lounge, sinking as directed into one of the fireside armchairs and losing herself in the flickering flames of the open fire.

"Thanks," she murmured distractedly as Fausto handed her a crystal tumbler containing numerous ice cubes and a generous three fingers of amber liquid.

"You look like you could use it," Fausto explained cautiously, wondering where to begin to try and ease the young woman out of her stupor. "I was in Vietnam for a while, during the war. There were days when I saw things I couldn't begin to comprehend, days when there wasn't a thing I nor anyone else could do or say which would make it any less unfathomable. I was like you are now on those evenings; a shell, merely existing in the world around but so caught up in my own mind that I might as well have been invisible."

Olivia heard his words, his patient tone but instead of accepting it as an opening to talk to someone who might know how she was feeling, she felt it like a punch, like an accusation that she was failing his daughter. "I'm sorry, I knew I shouldn't have come tonight. I told Sam earlier, I said I'd leave but she wouldn't hear of it. I'll go and find her, say my farewells and leave you to enjoy the rest of your evening without me causing an atmosphere." Liv shuffled to the front of her seat, placing her tumbler on the table beside her and preparing to stand.

"You'll do no such thing, young lady. Where else should you be after such a bad day at work than with your family? With the people who care about you the most? What happened today that has troubled you so deeply?" Fausto fixed her with a level stare, almost daring her to try and run.

Olivia's eyes flicked towards the door, checking that her lover and Gina were not about to overhear her if she chose to share the horrors of her day with the stoic gentleman sitting beside her. She had been undone, her defences crumbling in the face of Fausto's referral to them all as her family. Closing her eyes momentarily, she drew in a shaky breath. "My partner, Elliot, and I were shot at today."

"What?" Fausto exclaimed before cringing and lowering his voice, hoping his outburst hadn't attracted the attention of the two women in the kitchen. "You're both ok though, right? You're not hurt? Elliot too?"

"Physically, we're both unharmed. Mentally, emotionally, psychologically… I'm not so sure," Olivia admitted shakily, reaching again for the whiskey beside her and taking a healthy swig, relishing the burn as it slipped smoothly down her throat.

"I'll assume it's not the first time you've been in such a conflict, what made it different this time?" the kindly man asked carefully, encouraging the detective to open up to him, to let go of some of the tension she carried with her.

"The shooter… we couldn't see who was shooting at us to begin with. It was… he was just a kid, no more than thirteen years old. We told him to stop, that we were police but he just kept firing and firing and firing this semi-automatic. Elliot… he shot him, we had no choice, we had to stop him and he wouldn't… he just wouldn't stop…" Liv dashed a stray tear off her face but it was too late, the floodgates had been opened. She buried her head in her hands, shoulders shaking silently as she recalled how they had stood over the tiny, bleeding body of their would-be killer, his pale face etched with a grimace of pain and rage, dirty blonde hair limply lying across his forehead. His indiscriminate firing had left them no alternative, they had to shoot to kill before he took them out and who knew how many innocent bystanders. She felt a strong hand grip her shoulder as Sam's father lowered himself to perch on the chair arm beside her.

"It is a tragedy that one so young had to die but I for one am glad your partner took that shot. I would hate to have to console my daughter if anything should happen to you." Fausto paused, letting his words sink in before asking, "what brought you to that place? Why were you there?"

"The father, he's implicated in a… case we're working," Liv supplied, not wanting to divulge the horrific details of the minority children slaughtered, maimed and sexually assaulted by the white supremacist. "We had a warrant for his arrest and to search his premises. The boy, his son, answered the door and said his father wasn't home. We entered, began the search of the house but when we tried to gain entry to the basement, he ran upstairs to his room. The next thing we knew, somebody was firing at us from the top of the stairs. We didn't have a clear view so we couldn't be sure if the father had been hiding upstairs somewhere and was the shooter. We took cover anywhere we could, the kid started walking down the stairs, firing shots as he went aiming at anyone he saw no matter who they were. Elliot managed to shoot him as he… he… the kid was about to shoot me. He saved my life. I made a judgement call, I wanted to talk him down, I thought I could get him to stop shooting at us." Once again, the stresses and strains of the day overcame Liv and she cried softly into her hands.

"It's not your fault Olivia. It sounds like he was a very troubled and damaged young man, damage which was inflicted long before you entered his home. To shoot at people that way, he made his choice to disregard anyone's life, including his own. You are not to blame for his death." Fausto rubbed his hand back and forth across the brunette's hunched shoulders, knowing that being told such things and believing them were two very different things. "I killed a young man, during the war, what is referred to nowadays as friendly fire. He stumbled out of a building in the early hours of the morning while I was patrolling, it was dark and all I could see was a figure waving a weapon around. When he swung it towards me, I shot him, didn't hesitate, all I knew was he had a weapon and was about to point it at me, I couldn't let him steady himself or I'd be the one flying home in a bag. I found out later that he'd lied about his age to sign up, he was just 17 when he died, an American killed by my hand. It took me a long time to forgive myself, longer still to believe that I wasn't solely responsible for his death but it did come, with time and the support of friends, family, comrades." Fausto urged Olivia to look at him, continuing only when she was looking, "take comfort from those around you, don't shut yourself off from life, use this instead as a reminder to cherish each and every moment you have with those who love you and who love you in return." Inhaling deeply, Liv composed herself, knowing that it wouldn't be long before her lover and Gina joined them.

"I'll try," she murmured softly, draining the last of her whiskey. Fausto rose from his perch and plucked the tumbler from her fingers, crossing to the cabinet in which the liquor was kept and pouring them each a refill.

"Why don't you go and freshen up a little? Don't want my girl shouting at me for making you cry now do we?" Liv nodded, pulling herself to her feet and surprising the gentle man with a brief but heartfelt hug.

"Thank you. I've never had this before, never known what it's like to be part of a family like this. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your support for my relationship with Sami." With a final nod and a weak, watery smile, Liv strode from the room in search of the bathroom so she could throw some water on her face and hopefully look slightly less of a wreck than she knew she currently must.

"…stood up in the middle of the restaurant, went around the table and got down on one knee. Her face was a picture when he proposed but his was even better when she told him to take a hike, that she knew he was only asking her to marry him because he was afraid she'd find out about the affair he was having!" Gina recounted to her daughter, laughing along with the other two occupants of the lounge heartily, before spying the detective hovering in the doorway. "Ah Olivia, come and have a seat, Fausto was just about to drink your whiskey!" the older blonde quipped with a teasing nudge of her husband's shoulder.

"Such lies, woman. Do you know a good lawyer, Olivia? I think I must sue this harridan for slander!" In spite of her long and trying day, Liv sniggered at the light hearted banter.

"Oh I know more than one, I'll be sure to leave you their numbers," she promised with a wink and a smile. Sam cast a relieved glance from her seat in the armchair the brunette had vacated, glad to see that whatever her father had said to the older woman had managed to rouse her somewhat from her brooding reverie.

"Not if they are as young and as attractive as you, you won't my dear," Gina rejoined, with a raised eyebrow in Fausto's direction.

"Damn, in that case, I can't help you, Fausto, I'm afraid. All the lawyers I know who I'd recommend are younger and definitely prettier than me." Olivia smiled in fake apology to the man who had fathered the love of her life before slipping further into the room and making her way over to the chair where Samia sat. Holding out a hand, she indicated for the younger woman to get up, slipping into the generously sized seat when she did so and pulling the teacher back down into her lap, cuddling her close to her body and allowing herself to draw comfort and support from her familiar weight. Sam adjusted to the new position gladly, draping one arm around Liv's strong shoulders, her free hand taking the brunette's own and clasping them together atop her knees. Gina and Fausto looked over at the clearly besotted pair, contented smiles settling on both their faces as they watched the two women reconnect. Olivia nuzzled her face into Sam's shoulder, pressing a tender kiss there and murmuring something so softly even the blonde had to strain to catch it.

"I'm sorry."

Cupping the detective's strong jaw, Sam guided her gaze up to meet her own, allowing every drop of the love, concern and support she felt to shine through her eyes. "You never have to apologise for having a bad day baby, so long as you come back to me when you can. I love you, every part of you." Sam reinforced her words with a soft, almost chaste kiss to Liv's succulent lips.

"I love you too, sweetheart," Liv replied earnestly, captivated by the azure blue eyes staring at her adoringly.

"Mama, I think I'm going to take Liv home, if you don't mind us skipping out on you?" It was with some difficulty that Sam tore her gaze away and turned to face her parents, wanting nothing more than to drown in the open, honest emotions in her girlfriend's chocolate brown eyes.

"Of course we don't mind, you two should be having fun on a Friday night, not visiting with us old folks," Gina assured softly, never failing to be moved by the connection she was witness to between her daughter and Olivia. "You call me, in the week and we'll arrange another dinner when you can both make it. We'll fit around your schedule, Olivia, honey."

"Thank you Gina, and thank you for a wonderful meal, as always. Perhaps some time soon, you could all come to my apartment for a meal… if Sam would be willing to provide the catering that it, I'm beyond useless when it comes to cooking." It was the first time Liv had extended such an invitation, knowing that just as it was difficult for her to get away from her work, it was also problematic for Gina and Fausto to both be away from the restaurant at the same time.

"We'd love to, that's a wonderful idea. We'll talk soon and make a date. Having my daughter cook for us will be a novelty!" Gina enthused warmly.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday October 17<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**22.18**_

_**Samia Camanetti's apartment, Third Avenue, Midtown**_

"Want a drink of anything? Or something to eat? You didn't seem to have much of an appetite earlier." Sam busied herself as she spoke, reaching down a glass tumbler for herself and filling it with orange juice from the fridge.

"I'm fine thanks, I might just get a glass of water in a while," Liv replied sinking into the sofa and letting her head fall back against the cushion. She closed her eyes briefly, intending to rest them for just a moment. Visions assaulted her of a young scruffy-haired blonde boy running amok with a gun, firing in every direction with no regard for whom he hit. The crack of a cupboard door shutting sharply startled Liv, sending her shooting bolt upright, heart pounding frantically in her chest.

"I was thinking maybe we could…" Sam's words trailed off as she spied her lover's wide-eyed haunted expression, her heaving chest as she fought to stave off her panic. "What is it baby? What's the matter?"

It took Liv a few moments to gather her senses enough to realise that she was safe, she was in Sam's apartment and there was no immediate threat to their health, no gun-wielding teenager wreaking havoc. "I just lost my bearings there for a moment, the cupboard door startled me is all." Liv ran a shaking hand through her hair, leaning forward and employing techniques her PTSD counsellor had taught her following her Sealview assault. Sam kept her distance for a few moments, not wanting to crowd her lover while she was regrouping, having become accustomed to the flashbacks the older woman suffered as a result of the ordeal she had gone through a short time before they had met. Falteringly, over the course of their relationship, Liv had opened up to her and told her what had happened, how close she had come to being raped and Sam had held her tightly, told her that she was proud of her for getting help to deal with it and vowing to be there in any way she could. Together, they had adapted to manage the symptoms of her PTSD and Sam had proved to be an invaluable source of support and strength for the detective in her fight to overcome the experience.

"Was it Sealview?" Sam asked at length, placing her glass quietly on the coffee table.

"No, for a change. A hangover from my day." Liv's resigned tone illustrated that she didn't want to talk about what had led to this relapse so instead, Sam opted for a proactive approach.

"What can I do to help?" There was no contempt, no frustration in her tone, just a simple, honest, genuine request to assist.

"Hold me… please just hold me and tell me about your day? About kids who aren't broken and damaged, who don't run around with guns firing at anyone they see. Please just remind me that there are some good people, some good parents in this world." Liv pleaded, giving her partner a small insight into the horrors which haunted her mind.

"Of course I will. You want to sit up or lie with me, babe? However you want, you tell me what you need and I'll do it if I possibly can." Liv beckoned for Sam on the other end of the sofa before she lay down and placed her head in the young teacher's lap, releasing a soft sigh when she felt Sam begin to tenderly run her fingers through her fine brown hair. It was something which always soothed her, an action so sweet, so innocent that she was powerless to resist the temptation to relax and just drift on the sensations it caused.

"Just tell me about some of your students, what they get up to, what they do to make you smile or laugh, please," Liv murmured, eyes closing once more as she got herself as comfortable as possible.

"Ok, well do you remember Jaime? You met her the night of the fourth of July fireworks when you came to the school?" At Olivia's slight nod of recognition, Sam continued, "we had a sort of show and tell this morning, I'd asked them to bring in something that meant a lot to them. Jaime brought a photo of her Mom and her 'new' Mommy in. I had no idea that Mrs Fisher wasn't still with Jaime's father but Jaime was so precious talking about her Mom's new relationship and how cool it was to have two moms. Jeannie, the new partner, is taking them to Florida for Christmas. According to Jaime, she wants them to spend Christmas with fairytale princesses because that's what they are to Jeannie. When she'd finished, Andrew showed us the latest song he's learned on his guitar. He's so talented and obviously loves learning to play and performing. He gave us all a little impromptu concert and was so proud afterwards when he got through without making many mistakes at all. That boy is going to have a big career ahead of him if he keeps on playing like he does now, he just disappears into the music. It's quite something to see. Let's see what else happened today… Greg managed to read a whole page out of the book we're studying in front of the class without stammering once and it was so sweet, the whole class gave him a round of applause without me needing to ask them to. His friends made such a point of congratulating him on a job well done and he looked proud as a peacock. I really think it might be the breakthrough he's been needing for his confidence to grow and grow." Sam beamed as she remembered the glow she had felt from watching the painfully shy young boy overcome his nerves. She glanced down at her lover to find she had drifted off to sleep, the combination of Sam's soothing voice and the motion of her fingers through her hair providing the balm she needed in order to rest. Reluctant to disturb the detective, Sam settled back into the sofa, content to simply watch the gorgeous woman sleep.


	24. Chapter 24

_**Disclaimer: see chapter 1**_

_**So... I'm feeling generous! Lol, not really, I just suspect I won't have time to upload a chapter tomorrow so I figured I'd put it up tonight instead. I'm ducking and running now since there's quite a lot of Abbie in this chapter - please keep anything you throw at me to soft fruits or vegetables, ok? Lol. Remember, good things come to those who wait. Patience grasshoppers and ye shall be greatly rewarded (I hope! That is right isn't it, muse? Muse?) Oh well, onward...**_

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><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**07.46**_

_**Jack McCoy's office, 1 Hogan Place**_

"Does your boss know you're splashing out on such a lavish breakfast?" Jack asked, reaching forward and helping himself to a couple of the biscuits she had brought, pouring over a generous helping of gravy.

"Of course, it's all a necessary part of my plan to convince you to let me borrow Alex. Andrew knows that and supports my strategy," Abbie assured, confident enough that Jack wouldn't turn down two formidable women to be blunt about her reasons. "We want this guy to pay for what he did, Jack. I have the authority to make that happen, Alex has the fire and passion to sell it to any jury, no matter what their personal views of homosexuality are."

"And you want to do this, Alex? You don't think it's too close to home, too personal, for you to handle?" Jack asked his subordinate, still not entirely trusting her stability following her time in Witsec. There was a vulnerability, a brittleness, about her which hadn't been there in the young ADA he had seen in action pre-Velez.

"I do, I want this as much as Abbie wants it. The very fact that it is personal, that it is close to home, only makes me want it more. I won't lose sight of the case, I won't allow it to become a crusade but I will put my heart and soul into making sure that the full extent of the law is applied to whoever is responsible for Samia Camanetti's death and the threat to countless other innocent lives," Alex replied vehemently, picking at her own bagel, tearing off a small chunk and slipping it between her luscious lips as she looked expectantly between Abbie and McCoy. She watched the Federal prosecutor's eyes glaze over momentarily, noticing with interest that it coincided with when her tongue peeked out from its warm cocoon to swipe a stray spot of soft cheese from the corner of her lower lip. It was a fleeting lapse in concentration which went unnoticed by the only man in the room, so busy was he chewing his own breakfast.

When he had swallowed a particularly large bit of biscuit, Jack asked, "what cases are you working at the moment, Alex?"

"I've got the Mendelssohn case coming up for trial but I could go for a deal on that one, I think he'd go for it. I'm meeting with Deidre Tallec this afternoon to try and thrash out a deal there too. I've got some work to do to rescue the case against Louise Sherringham but thanks to Ms Carmichael, I think there's definitely a way to salvage that and I'm meeting with Detective Tutuola on that case this morning. We're only at the initial hearing stages so any trial won't be scheduled for months yet and I'm sure if I needed to I could juggle that as well as Sam's case."

"I promise not to take too much of her time, Jack. Most of the prep work, evidentiary hearings etcetera I'll handle myself, we'll just need regular meetings and briefings so that Alex is up to speed with everything for when it goes to trial. If it had meant you or SVU losing their ADA for a big chunk of time, I wouldn't have suggested it. I won't do anything to jeopardise getting justice for SVU's victims," Abbie stated pointedly, wondering if Jack recalled the time she confessed to him about her own experience with being raped.

"I can handle the extra work, Jack," Alex pushed, backing up Abbie's arguments with her own assertion that she was more than equipped to cope. "If I want to push for the big chair some day, I need to be involved in cases such as this; high profile, important cases."

"How soon are you thinking there might be court time on the Camanetti case?" Jack asked, deliberately not responding to Alex's reminder that she didn't intend to remain an ADA for the entirety of her career.

"If I answer that, I need you both to swear you'll repeat nothing of it outside this room," Abbie warned, looking directly at Alex, making it abundantly clear that she was referring to the younger woman's close friendship with Olivia. Receiving two confirmatory nods, she continued, "Detective Sykes and Morientes have found links between an old SVU case and a Kieran O'Keefe who has ties to the IRA. O'Keefe's nephew was one of many boys abused by his math tutor but his abuser, a Milo Pathitis, was granted a pitifully low bail thanks to a seriously misguided judge and so was free to continue terrorising his victims. Pathitis and his brother, Jason, snatched Edward O'Keefe, beat him, sodomised him, stabbed him and dumped his body in Central Park," Abbie informed them as dispassionately as she could, still fuming at the negligence she considered the judge to have shown releasing Pathitis and giving him the opportunity to go after his young victim. She had made tentative enquiries as to the possibilities of charging Judge Coniston as an accessory but had been told in no uncertain terms not to pursue that line of investigation.

"That case was before my return but I remember Liv saying that was when she and Sam met. They started dating after Eddie's funeral – Eddie was a student at the school where Sam taught, she was his homeroom teacher at the time," Alex supplied, wracking her brain for anything else the detective might have shared with her about the case.

"According to Detective Stabler, he recalls the uncle singling Olivia out at the funeral as a focus for his grievance at Edward's death. He couldn't remember the exact words but there was a veiled threat he was sure and Kieran spat at Olivia before leaving the cemetery." Abbie leaned forward and reached for the tall black coffee she had brought herself to accompany the generous breakfast.

"So what has O'Keefe been up to since then? Anything to suggest he's been planning this since then and just waiting for an opportune moment to get his revenge? Is there an ongoing threat to Detective Benson or anyone else who was involved in that case?" Jack asked with a thoughtful expression, mind wandering over the possible implications if this was just the beginning of a wave of revenge attacks.

"Sykes and Morientes are doing a full background check on O'Keefe as well as tracking down known associates. I'm meeting with them again this afternoon at the precinct for an update. Soon as I know more, I'll let you know. Presuming that you'll let me have Alex that is," Abbie stated, throwing a subtle wink at her soon-to-be-co-counsel. Alex swallowed reflexively as her body responded of its own accord to the gesture. She mentally chastised herself for her lewd thoughts, berating herself that it was highly inappropriate and reminding herself that she should have more control over her hormones than a teenage boy, although current evidence tended to support an alternative verdict.

"As long as it doesn't negatively impact Alex's SVU workload, I can't see I have any choice but to comply with your request really. Sneaky Abbie, to go to Alex first. You knew it would be impossible to decline you both once you'd made your minds up on this," Jack griped, only sounding slightly upset.

"What can I say Jack? I learnt from you." Abbie rose from her leather chair, picking up her attaché and grabbing her coffee before turning to the door. "I'll leave you to decide what to do with the rest of this food, Jack. Alex and I have work to do. Oh by the way, I'll need some office space to work out of while I'm here. If you could arrange that too and let me know where I can set up?" Alex scrambled to follow her temporary new colleague as she led the way out of the DA's office and towards Alex's own, struggling to contain her mirth until she was sure she was out of sight and earshot of her boss.

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><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**08.54**_

_**Alex Cabot's office, 1 Hogan Place**_

The two women worked seamlessly side by side, bouncing ideas off one another, thrashing over the theories and suppositions the detective's discoveries had given rise to. It felt natural and exhilarating to them both, each relishing testing their wits against a worthy recipient, finding each other to be fiercely intelligent and more than a little competitive. They had also shared a few laughs at Jack's expense; Abbie congratulating Alex on reminding McCoy his seat as DA was far from safe while Cabot was around and Alex sharing her jubilation over Abbie's parting demand, having loved how the Texan had shown who had the power between them now.

"I'd better get out of your hair and give you some time to read over those notes on Grikes vs Dobbins before your meeting with Detective Tutuola. I might swing by the 1-6 and see how Don, Elliot and John are. They wouldn't forgive me if I came to town and didn't make a concerted effort to see them. It won't hurt to see how Liv's holding up back at work either." Abbie straightened from where she had been leaning over Alex's desk, looking at a transcript from the bail hearing against Milo Pathitis.

"Just don't crowd her, ok? Don't make it obvious you're there to check on her, you know how proud she is." Alex's body was singing with repressed sexual tension having been in such close proximity to the stunningly gorgeous and obviously interested woman for the past hour. Their arms, their thighs, their shoulders had repeatedly brushed against one another, at first innocently, accidentally, but as time passed and the frequency increased, Alex begun to suspect at least some of it was deliberate.

"I promise, I won't ride in there on my white charger and make a big show of checking how the little lady's doing," Abbie quipped sardonically, knowing Alex's advice came from a place of concern but unable to resist a little gentle teasing all the same. In truth, she was reluctant to leave the blonde's company but knew if she stayed, the body contact would definitely stray beyond what could be brushed off as a side effect of working together in the limited space provided by Alex's desk. She wanted Alex but she had no intention of their first time being over that same desk with a sex crimes detective busting in on them mid-act. Alex fixed her with a level stare as Abbie quirked one eyebrow jauntily. "I'll just make a casual enquiry while I'm there, in passing. I can be discrete when I want to be."

Alex nodded, her expression contrite, knowing she tended to come across as overprotective where Olivia was concerned. "Tell her I said hi, would you and I'll speak to her later?"

"Of course. Everything ok?" Abbie noticed the slight slump in the blonde's shoulders as her thoughts turned to their mutual friend.

"Yeah, everything's fine," Alex assured, still a little more subdued than previously as she recalled Liv's parting words and wondered if Liv would really not be at the apartment that night. The idea filled her with a sense of conflict; partly excited about the prospect of being able to take Abbie home after dinner if the mood took her but also hugely guilty for putting her own selfish desires before her friend's needs and comfort.

"I'll pick you up at your apartment around seven tonight then but I'll speak to you before then if I find out anything more of interest from the detectives on Samia's case." Abbie only just restrained from kissing the seated attorney goodbye, forcing herself to walk round to the opposite side of the desk, collect her attaché case and head for the door.

"See you later," Alex called shyly, a soft smile and a twinkle in her eyes despite her internal misgivings.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**09.24**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

Abbie strode through the doors of the squad room and paused as she entered the ordinarily bustling bullpen. "Do I smell or something? Where the Hell is everyone?"

Olivia raised her head and chuckled at the counsellor's outburst. "Sorry to disappoint you Abbie, but there's only me here at the moment. Elliot and the Captain are out on a possible rape/murder and Fin and Munch are interviewing an witness on their current case before Fin meets with Alex." The brunette detective eyed the box the Texan carried eagerly, wondering what goodies were being delivered. Seeing where the older woman's eyes were directed, Abbie shrugged and strolled further into the room, sliding the box onto Liv's desk and opening the lid with a flourish revealing fresh, mouth-watering donuts.

"Guess that means you get the pick of these then. The menfolk'll just have to make do with whatever scraps you leave them. Mind if I help myself to some coffee?" Abbie was already halfway to the pot before Liv had chance to reply. Scampering after her, the detective reached around her snatching the offending brew away before Abbie had chance to dispense any of it into a vaguely clean mug.

"Trust me, you'll thank me if I put some fresh on rather than subjecting you to that," Liv explained, dumping the contents into the sink and setting about preparing a new pot.

"Was it a poisonous Munch-potion?" Abbie asked, clutching a hand to her chest in overly dramatic style at her near miss.

"Yeah, potent and disgusting – why do you think there was so much left at this time? No one wants to touch it in case it strips the lining off their stomachs! I'm surprised it hadn't actually eaten through the glass of the coffeepot," Liv quipped heading back to her own desk to retrieve her own mug, throwing in a spoonful of sugar and setting it down on the counter to await the coffee's readiness. Abbie reached for the mug, looking at the colourful cartoon antics on it.

"That's cute," she said, with a genuinely amused grin.

Taking the mug carefully from the Texan's hands and placing it back on the side, Olivia explained her overprotective actions, "Sam bought it for me for Christmas. She said she was tired of me whining that I couldn't ever find a clean one and that I work with pigs."

"We'll get the bastard that did this to her…to you, all of you. We will get him, Liv," Abbie vehemently promised, eyes flashing protectively.

"Thanks. How did your meeting with McCoy go? Is Alex on the case with you?" Liv asked, wanting to avoid losing it in the middle of the bullpen over something as stupid as a mug.

"She is. He never stood a chance against the pair of us and he knew it. Alex was brilliant, she had the audacity to tell him she needed to take on cases like this so she can take over as DA one day!" Abbie barked out a short peel of laughter as she recalled Jack's expression, somewhere between shock and outrage with a healthy hint of awe mixed in.

"She's certainly ambitious," Liv agreed recalling their conversation of the morning.

"She told me to let you know she'd speak to you later. I'll try not keep her out too late this evening so you and she can catch up when she gets home." Abbie sensed that, despite Alex's assurances that all was fine, something had occurred between the two proud women after she had left the apartment that morning.

"I won't be there, I'm staying with Sam's parents tonight. You and Alex don't have to worry about me being at the apartment and getting in your way," Liv busied herself with pouring the freshly brewed into a fairly clean mug for the Texan before letting the dark liquid flow into her own cup.

"I won't make a move on her if it's going to make things difficult between you two. I'm sure there'll be other opportunities when I'm in New York that Alex and I could have a little fun together." Abbie watched Liv walk back to her desk, a weight sitting blatantly on her broad shoulders.

"I'm not stopping you, either of you, from doing whatever you want to do. You're grown women, you're both single – I presume you are single and not stringing some poor woman along back in DC?" Liv suddenly asked, pinning her friend with a piercing stare.

"Relax, there's no one in DC, hasn't been for months. I know you won't tell us not to do anything, you're too noble to do that even if it's killing you to watch it. So how about a compromise? Whatever happens with Alex, I promise I won't let either of us push it in your face. We'll be discrete. I don't want it to become too hard for you to spend time with your friend when you need her the most. I'm not a heartless bitch, Liv, I realise that seeing someone else chasing the intimacy you've lost can't be easy." Abbie attempted to offer support, trying to convey her sympathy towards what she assumed was Olivia's main reluctance to being at the apartment when Alex returned from her date.

"Whatever you two do, it'll just be fucking on both your parts, nothing like what I had with Sami. Alex made it quite clear this morning that appearances and her career are far too important to her for her to risk it having a relationship with the wrong kind of person. So congratulations and good luck Abbie, I think you might just have met your match in Alexandra Cabot. You can scratch each other's itches without anything as messy as emotions getting involved." Abbie was prevented from replying by the arrival of a young woman, who looked to be in her early twenties, asking to speak to a detective. Stunned, she made her way out of the bullpen with a bemused backwards glance, mind reeling with her friend's rebuke.

Liv led the skittish redhead into an interview room, getting her seated before offering her a drink of water. When she returned, the seasoned detective took in the latest traumatised person to ask for their help and barely suppressed a sigh, wondering if it would ever get any easier to deal with the endless cycle of depravity.

"I'm sorry," the young woman started, glancing at the door wistfully as though wishing she could escape.

"Why don't we start with your name? I'm Detective Benson," Olivia eased herself into the vacant seat, trying not to jostle her still healing injuries and keep her expression open and approachable.

"Shannon… Shannon Arkwright," the redhead stammered. Her skin was pale, almost translucent and Liv was unsure if it was genetic or due to trauma.

"Ok Shannon, can you tell me what brought you here today? Take your time." There was a pad of paper in front of Olivia, a pen poised between finger and thumb ready to take down whatever scant details of another crime, another brutalised body she was about to hear. Shannon wrung her hands on the tabletop, obviously struggling with what to say, where to start, how to confess her reasons for seeking help.

"I ummm…I think… I was… I mean I don't know if it's possible, if you could call it…" The brunette detective waited silently, patiently, for the woman to compose herself enough to continue. "I know I was sexually assaulted last night. Can a woman rape another woman?" Shannon's chest began to heave, her breaths quickening, her hands shaking violently as she started rocking back and forth in the chair.

"Anyone has the means to sexually assault anyone else, no matter what their gender," Olivia assured her gently. "If someone forced you to have sex with them against your will, we can and will arrest them."

"I…we…she was… I thought she was my friend. We work together. There was an office party last night, it was a colleague of ours birthday so we'd gone out for a meal and then on to a club." Again, Shannon seemed to run out of words so Olivia tried to help her along by asking for clarification of some details from what she had already shared.

"Where do you work?"

"At the Chandler Association Charitable Trust, I'm one of the administrators," Shannon supplied.

"And where did you go for the meal? Which club were you at?" Olivia prompted.

"Err the restaurant was called San Morito I think, I shared a taxi there straight from the office with some of the others so I didn't take much notice really. I lost track of the clubs, we hit a few, starting at Select and I'm pretty sure we were in Banjo's at some point. I don't remember…things are all jumbled up in my head, I'm not sure what happened when. It's like I have these flashes of something happening to me but they're disjointed. I don't know if I can trust my memory."

"Ok, what's the last thing you do remember clearly?" Olivia asked, suspicions growing and knowing that time was of the essence if she was to prove Shannon had been drugged.

"Arriving at Select, Terri bought a round of drinks for everyone." Shannon rubbed at her forehead with one hand as though trying to either clear the fog or erase the memories altogether.

"Terri?" Olivia interjected.

"Terri… Theresa Gabbidon… she's my supervisor, the office manager. I woke up in her house this morning, in her bed… naked," Shannon filled in with a shudder. "I'm not… I respect that she's lesbian but I'm not… I don't… I'd never consider sleeping with a woman, it just does nothing for me."

"How many drinks do you remember having? Were you drinking with the meal?" Olivia asked, bracing herself for the explosion which so often came, with victims assuming that blame was being apportioned to them for allowing their assault to happen because they were drunk.

"I had a couple of sodas with the meal but Terri insisted on me having at least one alcoholic drink so the drink she bought me was a Jack Daniels and coke. I can honestly say I don't think I was drunk." There was no anger, no recrimination just sincere conviction in Shannon's voice.

"This might be really important, can you remember what time it was when you left the restaurant? Or when you got to the first club?" the detective asked, placing her pen onto the pad at a rakish angle.

"I know it was just after 9.30pm when we were heading out of the restaurant, I remember catching sight of the clock on the wall by the front door because it was so ornate, it caught my eye. I'd guess that it took us about 20 minutes or so to get enough cabs to ferry everyone to the club so I'd estimate that it was closer to 10pm when I had the drink Terri bought for me."

"Shannon, we need to get you to a hospital so that any evidence of the assault can be collected and documented. If you're agreeable, I'll ask for them to take a urine sample as well as bloods to test for the presence of drugs. Did you willingly take anything last night that might show up on a tox screen?" Olivia asked gently.

"No, I don't even like drinking more than one or two when I'm out, I'd never take anything, I want to be aware of what's going on around me." Shannon pushed her chair back from the scarred table, asking, "will you be with me at the hospital?"

Liv was caught, knowing that technically she shouldn't leave the precinct given that she was only cleared for desk duty but also realising that there was no one else available or suitable to accompany the young woman. "Let me just call it in to my Captain and we'll go to the hospital together, ok?" Shannon nodded, opting to remain standing as Olivia left the room rather than sit back down.

Olivia strode to her desk, looking around for any sign that any of the guys had returned while she had been interviewing the victim. Finding herself still alone in the squad room, she grabbed her cellphone from her hip and hit the speed dial for Captain Cragen.

"Captain, I've got a walk-in at the precinct, probable sexual assault after being drugged. Am I clear to take her to the hospital for a sexual assault kit to be done? There's no one else here who could go with her and the window for getting physical evidence of her being drugged is rapidly closing." The detective was grabbing her jacket even as she filled in her superior, doubting that he would prevent a victim from seeking justice because of a technicality. She wouldn't be engaging any suspects, wouldn't be making any arrests, just holding the hand of a traumatised young woman while evidence was gathered.

"If you're alright with taking her to the hospital, Olivia, I'll permit that but then you are to go straight back to the precinct. I'll send Munch over to meet you there, he can take care of following up leads, taking the victim home, delivering any evidence collected to the lab."

"Should I ask a couple of uni's to go to her attacker's address, get them to bring her in for questioning?" Olivia asked, keen to continue looking into the case when she returned from the hospital.

"Not yet, let's see what the examination gives us first." The two officers rang off allowing Liv to return to the interview where Shannon had begun pacing.

"Let's go shall we?" the compassionate brunette asked, popping her head round the door and holding it open for the young woman to exit.


	25. Chapter 25

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**I'm taking a brief break from my job before I explode myself! Seriously having a rubbish day with the only bright side being that I'm off tomorrow! So I thought I'd do something enjoyable to bring my blood pressure back down out of the rafters, which translated into you all getting a new chapter :)**_

_**Thanks as always for all the reviews on the last chapter and on all chapters up to this point. A warm hello and welcome to new readers/reviewers and thank you to those who have recently added this story to their favourites/alerts. Honestly, I'm blown away by all your support for this story. (And for those not liking the Abbie stuff, remember that sometimes, we all need a catalyst to give us a boot up the backside... ;o) )**_

_**Better get back to the grind. Thanks for being my safety valve for the day :) Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**10.47**_

_**Bellevue Hospital Centre**_

"You're doing great, Shannon," Olivia murmured as the young woman squeezed her hand tighter as the nurse inserted a speculum so that she could properly assess any damage. The still forming bruises on the redhead's inner thighs, the contusions and grazes were definitely indicators that whatever had happened had been against Shannon's will, her body telegraphing that she had not been sufficiently ready to receive whatever penetration had occurred. When Olivia had attempted to leave the room at the beginning of the examination, Shannon had begun to panic, reaching blindly for the brunette's hand, claiming she couldn't go through it alone. And so the detective had stayed, swallowing back her own desire to flee the hospital in favour of tending to the needs of a woman who had so obviously been traumatised.

"Almost done, Ms Arkwright," the kindly Hispanic nurse assured her patient, intently focused on completing the exam as swiftly and as painlessly as possible. Liv felt the room closing in on her once again, forcing herself to concentrate on her breathing, on keeping it steady and even, on not hyperventilating but still it spun mercilessly. Images of the last time she had been there flooding her mind; snatches of memories of the pain, the listlessness, the apathy to survive her injuries.

"Detective?" Shaking her head slightly, the brunette struggled to bring her focus back into the present. With some difficulty, she turned to look at the timid woman gripping her hand, realising that her own hand had clamped down around the smaller one in her palm. Easing back her vice-like hold, she sent an apologetic grimace at the victim.

"There's a stool behind you, Detective Benson. Why don't you take a seat while we finish up with this part of the exam?" The nurse had witnessed enough people fainting in the ER to be well aware of the signs before they actually slumped to the floor. Without releasing Shannon's hand, Olivia pulled the stool closer, perching on it gratefully, feeling her cheeks colour at the outward signs of her struggle.

"How long have you known Terri Gabbidon?" Liv asked, hiding behind her job once more in the hopes she would hold herself together long enough to get Shannon out of there.

The young redhead grimaced and winced as a swab was taken from a particularly sensitive area. Through gritted teeth, she replied, "about five years now. I started temping for her straight out of school and never left. When she offered me a permanent position, I didn't hesitate to accept. I enjoy the work, it's varied and I get to meet some really interesting people without the stress of taking the job home with me. I can't believe she'd do this, she's never even hinted that she was interested in me that way, not once, not even when I first started there and she was getting to know me."

"Did you see Terri this morning before you left?" The question produced a shake of Shannon's head, copper-coloured hair swishing around her pale face.

"No, I didn't hang around to check but I didn't see or hear her in the apartment. I just wanted to get out of there," Shannon admitted, sucking in a tight breath as the speculum was removed.

"That's the internal exam done. I just need to take some photos of your injuries for the detective and then you're good to go. I'll get a doctor to write you up a script for the morning after pill and we'll send you a follow-up appointment for a repeat blood test to screen for sexually transmitted diseases," the nurse explained gently as she reached for the camera.

Shannon looked a little perplexed but Olivia sought to reassure her, "it's standard procedure. Better to be safe than sorry just in case there was someone else involved."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**12.29**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"Lab have just confirmed the presence of Rohypnol in Shannon Arkwright's urine. You want to call Cabot, Liv and see if we can get a warrant for Theresa Gabbidon's crib? I think it's time we had a chat with Terri," Munch mused.

"You go ahead and call for the warrant, I've got other work I need to get to and it's not like I can come on the search anyway. You'll have to get Fin or Elliot to back you up with that." As she spoke, Liv allowed the scowl she had been wearing since their return from the hospital to deepen considerably, telegraphing her displeasure at not being able to see the case through.

"You ok?" John asked, in a wary but kindly tone.

"I'm fine. I'd be even better if everyone stopped treating me like I was about to break all the time!" Olivia snapped, standing from her desk and storming out in the direction of the restroom. Elliot strode in, almost being pinned to the wall by his partner, as she stalked past him.

"Woah…" he exclaimed, watching her go. "What's that about?" he asked, turning to the only other detective in the bullpen.

John held his hands up in the universal gesture for cluelessness, watching their female detective go with a small shake of his head. "Are you free to help me schmooze Cabot into giving us a search warrant? Liv picked up a case this morning, alleged drug-induced female to female sexual assault. Lab confirmed the presence of Rohypnol so that should give us probable cause to search the premises where the victim found herself this morning."

"Umm, ok sure. I'll just go speak to Dad about it, check he's managed to kick the case we were called out on to homicide, no evidence of sexual involvement at all. Why don't you go ahead and call Alex?" In truth, Elliot wanted to go after his partner, to check she was ok but knew that his first responsibility was to his job. Despite their recent differences, he adored Olivia and considered her as much part of his family as his wife and children. To see her in pain, to see her hurting because of what had happened, caused him pain too. He didn't agree with her choice to pursue a relationship with another woman but that didn't mean he wished her to be going through what she was.

Liv burst through the doors of the ladies' locker room, forcefully pushing her way into one of the stalls and locking the door behind her. Her nerves were raw, putting her on edge and making every little niggle sting like acid in an open wound. The visit to the hospital that morning had jarred her far more than she had anticipated, the scents and sounds triggering flashbacks the like of which she had not experienced in a while. She feared for her sanity, for her ability to go on, to do the job she lived to do. She had come through her ordeal at Sealview partly thanks to the counselling she had received but also thanks to the support and patient affection she had found in Samia. The loss of her lover pained her more greatly than even that horrific event and this time, as she was beginning to realise all too well, there was no one she could rely on for that support this time. She was truly alone and had never felt it more keenly. Taking a couple of shaky breaths, Liv exited the stall and crossed to the well used sinks, deliberately averting her gaze from the scratched mirror which hung above it not wishing to see the reality of her situation etched into her reflection. She splashed cold water on her face, holding her wrists beneath the icy running water until she felt detached enough, numb enough to walk back into the squad room.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**13.26**_

_**Terri Gabbidon's apartment, Midtown**_

Munch stood aside as Elliot hammered on the plain wooden door, demanding attention from anyone inside.

"Theresa Gabbidon, open up, it's the police," the swarthy detective hollered gruffly. There were muffled sounds of movement from inside the abode and then the door opened the barest crack. Both men held their badges up so that the occupant could see they were genuine.

"What can I do for you, detectives?" a hoarse voice asked. No attempt was made to open the door wider, allowing the men only the merest glimpse of the tenant.

"Ms Gabbidon?" Munch asked, wanting to be clear that they were speaking to the person they were seeking before divulging any information about their reason for being there.

"That's me," the woman hiding behind the door replied.

"Ms Gabbidon, we need to ask you some questions about an incident which has been reported to us by a Shannon Arkwright. We have a warrant to search your apartment," Elliot barked, putting one palm flat against the door and applying a little pressure.

"What? Shannon? What happened to Shannon?" The door swung inwards, their suspect choosing to keep the wood between herself and the troop of men who entered as soon as there was sufficient space.

"Theresa Gabbidon, you are under arrest for the sexual assault of Shannon Arkwright…" Elliot began, his voice trailing off as the woman came fully into view, finally coaxed from behind her barrier. Her face was a mottled mixture of bruises and cuts. There was more bruising evident around her neck and obvious signs of restraint at her wrists. She stood before the two men self consciously, folding her arms across her body in a feeble attempt to shield herself once more from their scrutiny.

"I… I don't understand… I didn't… did I? What the hell happened last night?" Terri stuttered.

"Ms Gabbidon, can you tell us what you do remember about last night? How did you get those bruises?" Munch asked, a little more gently than his colleague.

"I don't know… I can't remember last night after coming back here from the second… I think it was the second club… It's all a bit hazy." Terri absentmindedly rubbed her hands up and down each arm as she spoke, a frown marring her pale brow. Reaching up, she fingered a loose strand of dirty blonde hair nervously.

"Let's talk about it down at the precinct, you can use the time on the way to figure out what you do remember," Elliot snapped, his suspicions still aroused despite the woman's dishevelled appearance.

"Detectives, you might want to take a look at this," one of the crime scene techs advised quietly as he popped his head out of the bedroom. Munch indicated for one of the uniformed officers to take Ms Gabbidon outside as he followed his colleagues into the bedroom.

"What are we looking at?" the gangly detective asked, peering over his glasses imperiously at the rumpled bedclothes without seeing any obvious signs of distress.

"We checked for fluids, standard procedure, but we weren't expecting to find evidence of semen. Wasn't this reported as a female to female assault?" The tech held up the UV light which made the bodily excretion in question fluoresce brightly.

"So either Ms Gabbidon has a secret she's been hiding from her colleagues or there was someone else at this apartment with them. Given the state of Theresa Gabbidon, I think it's more likely to be the latter. I doubt she gave herself those bruises or tied her own wrists up. We should take her by the hospital for a rape kit to be done on her too," Munch surmised.

"We don't know she wasn't in on it. She could have set Shannon up and then had second thoughts when they got back here. Maybe her partner decided to show her who was boss while he had his fun." Elliot was still reluctant to let go of the woman as a suspect.

"And maybe you're letting your personal feelings get in the way of your judgement," Munch cautioned, knowing how Elliot felt about homosexuals, given his beliefs.

"It wouldn't be the first time someone had led everyone to believe she was a lesbian only to be found to be swapping more than football scores with a guy," the Catholic detective reminded his colleague, remembering Babs Duffy and the revelation part way through that investigation that she was in fact in a relationship with a man.

"We need to collect any evidence that is still on Theresa Gabbidon, whether she is a perp or a victim. To prove a case either way, we need irrefutable evidence. I'll take her to the hospital, you stay here and finish searching the apartment." Munch needed to step away, to cool his heels a little. He had seen Liv, Fin and even Captain Cragen butt heads with Stabler before but this time it appeared to be his turn. "Keep an open mind Elliot. As the Captain is always drilling into us, we don't get to choose the vic."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**15.45**_

_**Manhattan SV U Squad Room**_

"I keep telling you, I don't remember! How many times do I have to say it before you'll believe me, Detective Stabler? I don't invite men into my home, I certainly don't invite them into my bed and I would never force someone else to have sexual relations with me or with a third party. I don't know what else I can say to convince you." Terri Gabbidon let her head fall forward onto the scarred, well worn table she was seated at. They had been shut in the cramped, claustrophobic room for coming up to half an hour with the two detectives grilling her about the events of the previous night. Stabler seemed to have taken on the role of aggressor, opting to assume her guilt or at least complicity in the attack on Shannon while Detective Munch appeared more amenable to at least considering her involvement was minimal and possibly non-consensual.

"Ms Gabbidon, let's take a moment to focus on what you can remember. Tell us what you can recall from last night," Munch requested, willing Elliot to bite his tongue long enough to let the woman give them her version of events.

"It was Darren's birthday… Darren Mantle, our computer technician. A group of us went out to a restaurant… San Morito… for a meal to celebrate. We moved on from there to a club called Select where I bought everyone a drink. Darren insisted on joining me at the bar when I went to place the order, said something about me needing a hand carrying all those drinks back to our table. We were chatting at the bar about the meal, he was thanking me for arranging the night out and we talked a little about work-related things, nothing major, just some little niggles that had been plaguing the network." Theresa paused, wracking her brain for every little detail she could remember. "I remember there was a man who bumped into me as I was moving away from the bar, he came close to spilling the drinks I was carrying all down me…"

"Whose drinks were you carrying at the time?" Munch interrupted, knowing that although it was unlikely anything had been slipped into the drinks during that moment, it might have provided a distraction long enough for someone else to administer the drug into Shannon's drink.

"Mine, Mike's and Amanda's. Darren had his, Shannon's, Neil's and Phillipe's. Three bottles, one glass. I had two tumblers and a pint glass." Theresa paused again, waiting to see if any further clarification was requested. When none was prompted, she continued, "we returned to the table, dished out the drinks and continued our night. We talked, some danced on and off, I stayed at the table the entire time – no one really wants to dance with the boss and anyway, it wasn't the sort of club to appreciate two women dancing together. Shannon danced with Neil for a couple of songs, finished her drink and then seemed to get quiet after a little while. When we were heading to Banjo, another club, I was worried about her. She seemed to be struggling with her words and couldn't co-ordinate her movements very well and I knew she'd only had that one drink that I bought her. I asked her if she was ok, if she'd taken anything that might have reacted with the alcohol but she seemed to say not. I wanted to take her home with me so she'd have someone with her to make sure she was safe and that she was ok. I didn't think it was right for her to be looking so drunk after just one Jack Daniels. I know Shannon's not a heavy drinker by any means but she's not that easily inebriated either." A sudden dawning of remembrance flooded Terri's face, "I told Neil I was taking Shannon home with me. He offered to help me get her into a taxi. I agreed, she was pretty out of it by then, and he rode back to my place with us. He helped me get her up to my apartment. The last thing I remember clearly is getting Shannon into my bed so she could sleep it off. Beyond that, there's nothing."

"What's Neil's surname?" Munch asked even as Elliot scoffed, displaying his scepticism for all to see.

"Danvers, Neil Danvers. He's one of the people on the PR team for the Foundation." A tap on the glass prevented Elliot from expressing his concerns regarding their suspects version of events, drawing him and Munch out of the room.

"Cap'n?" Munch questioned as he pulled the door closed behind them, standing in the viewing area outside of the interrogation room.

"Traces of Rohypnol were found in Theresa Gabbidon's urine sample – either, luckily for us, her body was slow to metabolise it or hers was administered later than Shannon's. Munch, take Fin with you and track down this Neil Danvers. He had access to them both at the apartment where the assault is alleged to have taken place which makes him a person of interest at the very least. See if he'll come voluntarily to answer some questions, if not, I'll have Alex on standby to get us a warrant. Elliot, why don't you give Olivia a hand checking the Foundations records and the LUDDS from Theresa's apartment and cellphone have just arrived, see if any calls were made last night that we should check out." With a terse nod, the brawny Detective stalked back towards his desk.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**16.29**_

_**Manhattan SV U Squad Room**_

"Take a seat Mr Danvers. Would you like a drink of water before we begin?" Sergeant Munch offered politely, watching the young man squirm uncomfortably in the rigid, plastic chair provided for the interrogation rooms.

"No, thank you. I'd just like to get this over and done with. What is it you wanted to ask me about? Why am I here?"

"What can you tell us about your whereabouts yesterday evening?" Fin asked, flipping a chair around and straddling it, folded arms resting on the now forward facing back of the seat.

"Erm well, I went for a meal and some drinks with colleagues from work. Why?" Danvers asked, fidgeting nervously with the cuff of his maroon sweatshirt.

"What time did you return home?" Munch asked, still giving nothing away about their reasons for asking.

"I uh… I got home around 6am this morning. Look, could you please tell me what this is about?"

"6am? That's a long night of drinking – where were you at with these work colleagues?" Fin inquired, once again ignoring the request for information.

"San Morito, then Select, then Banjo, then I helped my boss take one of our colleagues home – she'd had a bit too much to drink." Danvers' eyes flitted between the two male detectives; one seated in an almost casual pose, the other hovering beside the table in a passive aggressive stance. "The party… ummm… sorta continued when we got to her place."

"And what time did you offer this 'assistance' to your boss?" Munch's sceptical emphasis on the word chosen by their latest suspect gave Danvers pause.

"Should I be requesting a lawyer before answering any more questions? Would you please tell me what the hell this is about?"

"It is entirely up to you if you wish to speak to counsel Mr Danvers. I remind you that you are not under arrest, we merely need to clarify your movements last night. A complaint of sexual assault has been made…"

"What? That bitch said I raped her? No way! No fucking way! She never said no, not once. Frigid bitch." A knock on the two-way mirror drew the detectives out of the interrogation room and into the small observation area where Alex and Captain Cragen were watching them.

"Read him his rights. Anything he says from now on, we need on record and to be admissible in court," Alex instructed, watching the tense, nervous suspect beyond the glass as he muttered to himself. "One count of rape for now, we'll add the other rape later and possibly facilitating a sexual offense with a controlled substance if the evidence supports it." She watched as the two male detectives re-entered the interrogation room, quietly asking the man beside her, "where's Olivia? I'd have thought she'd have wanted to see this through."

"She and Elliot are looking through phone records from Terri's apartment. Why don't you go give her an update?" Don Cragen suggested, concerned about his only female detective's subdued mood and hoping that Alex could reach out to her and persuade her to take a break.

"Hi Elliot, where's Liv?" Alex asked as she strode into the bullpen confidently.

"You just missed her Counsellor, she headed out about five minutes ago," Elliot replied, leaning back in his chair with a grimace as the kinks in his back muscles straightened out for the first time in over an hour.

"Damn," Alex cursed softly under her breath, having hoped to see her friend before she left work for the day. "Did she say where she was going?" the lithe blonde asked, a concerned frown marring her patrician features.

"No, she's not said a word to me unless it was about work the entire time we've been at this, this afternoon. She ok? I mean, I know she's not ok, ok but is she, you know, coping?" Elliot asked, feeling more and more like a complete ass for how he had handled her coming back to work.

"I honestly don't know. Some days it seems so and then others… I'm not sure where her head's at right now. She told Abbie earlier that she was spending the evening with Sam's parents, perhaps she's headed over there already." The attorney considered calling Gina, asking her to try to get Olivia to open up to her but didn't want Liv to feel like she was being smothered.

"I'm sure that's where she's headed then," Elliot soothed, wondering how he could make amends with his partner.

"Yeah…" Alex murmured, "anyway, I wanted to let you both know that we're arresting Neil Danvers for rape. Idiot as good as confessed to having sex with one of the women in that apartment and since they both had Rohypnol in their system, it makes consent a moot point."

"So Theresa Gabbidon was an innocent party?" Elliot asked, feeling even more of an ass for the way he had treated the woman, acknowledging that his personal feelings regarding her orientation had affected his handling of the case.

"It would appear that way but let's cover all our bases and make sure everything is watertight before we take it in front of a court, ok? Keep checking those phone records, you never know what they might turn up and we don't want to be blindsided by a defence attorney producing another credible suspect or explanation that we've overlooked because we fixated on this one guy." Alex offered Elliot no opportunity to assure her that no stone would remain unturned as she spun on her heel and marched out of the squad room.


	26. Chapter 26

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**A big warm hello to new readers and a thank you to those who continue to read/review/add this story to their alerts, you all are amazing! So, new chapter - it will be just the one today I'm afraid as I'm shortly off out on a photoshoot (very informal, I'm the photographer!) then lunching at a pub with a friend where we will remain for the afternoon and into the evening catching up on each other's news :) I love vacation days! Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**18.39**_

_**Drogan's Bar**_

Liv smiled warmly at the ebony-skinned businessman with tightly cropped curly black hair as he sidled up to her at the bar.

"Might you entertain the possibility of me buying you a drink?" he asked, his rich, deep voice washing over her smoothly.

"I might, if you prove yourself trustworthy enough," she replied coyly, flirting subtly with her gaze as she decided he might be just what she needed to escape from the turmoil of her day. She had been at the bar for a while already, her brain shrouded in the beginnings of a pleasant buzz from the few drinks she had already tossed back in an effort to chase away the demons from her day.

"A very sensible answer, I see you're not just a pretty face." Extending a manicured hand towards his companion, the gentleman introduced himself formally, "I'm Jonathon Monroe, no relation to Marilyn!"

Olivia barked out a genuine peel of laughter at the comparison, acknowledging that she never would have surmised that the guy before her, who's skin was the colour of rich milk chocolate, could be in any way related to the late Marilyn Monroe. "Olivia Benson," she informed him, allowing him to grip her hand with his own, the hold strong but not uncomfortably so.

"A beautiful name for a stunning lady. So tell me Olivia, what brings you to a bar alone so early on a Friday evening? Am I stepping on someone's toes?"

"Not at all. I've just had a long day at work and I didn't much feel like going straight home so here I am. What about you? Am I likely to get a drink thrown on me when your wife, girlfriend or significant other arrives?" Olivia had played the role of seductress so many times during her career when the situation warranted it and was thankful to be able to call on those skills at that moment. Rationally, she understood her actions were misguided and would only lead to regret and self recrimination but she needed something to distract her from her misery and figured that sex, albeit mindless and anonymous of sorts, was as good a distraction as any. Alex and Abbie seemed to prefer that type of arrangement and, pre-Sam, Liv too had indulged in her share of one night stands.

"Highly unlikely since that would require there to be such a person in the first place. My work makes it difficult for me to form any real attachments to a place and its people," Jonathon advised, making it clear from his statement that he was not looking for any lasting relationship however their encounter developed. That suited Liv fine.

"What is it that you do?" Liv asked, casting her gaze over his body and finding it acceptable; he carried perhaps an extra pound or two around his middle and maybe should have spent a few more hours in the gym but nothing overly repulsive. Her appraising sweep did not go unnoticed by her would-be suitor who followed her example, taking in her hourglass figure, generously proportioned chest and attractive features, wondering if he really could get lucky enough to take her to his bed.

"I'm a systems analyst for a bespoke software company. I travel all over this state and to many others too, wherever our customers are based really. It's not the most exciting work but I get to see some interesting places and work with some fun people. What is it that you do which has you drinking alone on a Friday night?" Jonathon asked, signalling to the bartender that he wished to order a drink.

Liv suddenly decided that she shouldn't answer that question truthfully, knowing all too well from experience that the disclosure of her career often put a significant damper on people's ardour. Hoping that she would be forgiven by any higher power listening in, she replied, "I'm a school teacher. My class were determined to try my patience today."

"Ah, you have my sympathies there. I don't know how you handle a class full of them every day," Jonathon intoned smoothly. "Might I buy you that drink now? To ease the burden of your day a little further?"

"Why not, what harm can it do? I'll have a light beer please, whatever's on tap is fine." Olivia smiled warmly at her companion, allowing her eyes to linger on his full, fleshy lips as he turned to the young man hovering behind the bar waiting to take their order.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.34**_

_**Cuisine Savoureuse**_

"Alex, you look beautiful. I'm so glad you could join me for dinner," Abbie stated enthusiastically as she rose to greet her companion.

"Thank you," Alex flushed demurely, accepting Abbie's chaste kiss to her cheek before sitting herself across the table from the raven-haired Texan. "This is a very lavish place to dine for a work's dinner, Abbie." The two women looked around them at the openly expensive furnishings; deep red velvet drapes at floor to ceiling windows, a plush crimson carpet, high-backed deluxe dining chairs with well padded cushions to match the interior decor, a vaulted ceiling tastefully decorated with flourishes of fleur-de-lis topped off by glistening crystal chandeliers set at regular intervals to illuminate the dining room in a soft, golden glow.

"Oh don't worry Alex, I'm not making the People pay for this. Tonight's on me," Abbie husked, her ordinarily throaty voice dropping a further octave as she observed just how well Alex slotted in to her surroundings.

"Why Ms Carmichael, anyone would think you were out to impress," the blonde attorney smiled coquettishly, feigning fluttering her eyelashes.

"Would they now? And what would impressing you earn me, I wonder?" Abbie teased flirtatiously.

"Well that would all depend on just how impressed I was by the end of the evening," Alex replied, equally as enticingly, locking her crystalline blue eyes with Abbie's deep, chocolate orbs. Abbie swallowed thickly at the insinuation of what might come from the evening if it proved to be to Alex's liking. Being gun-shy was never something she could be accused of, not in the court room and certainly not when it came to pursuing matters of the heart but there was something formidable about Alexandra Cabot, something which made Abbie just a little cautious about getting too involved.

"I'll drink to that," she replied at length, sweeping an appraising gaze once more over the other woman's lean yet womanly frame.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**20.57**_

_**Holiday Inn Express, West 45**__**th**__** Street, Midtown**_

They had shared an easy early evening of casual chatter, exchanging banter and light-hearted flirting over numerous drinks. When Jonathon had invited Olivia back to his hotel room, she had readily accepted, determined to follow through her plan to rid her mind, just for one night, of the memories which haunted her. Seated in one of the easy chairs with a glass of whiskey in her hand, Liv allowed her nerves to surface a little, toying with her lower lip between her teeth. Jonathon approached her stealthily, stalking towards the gorgeous brunette with every intention of completing the dance of seduction which they had both been playing throughout their time together that evening. He took the glass from between her slack fingers, leaning down as he did so to press his large, fleshy lips against hers. The drink abandoned on a nearby table, he guided Liv to her feet, cradling her body against his larger one, allowing her to feel his growing excitement through their close proximity. He was larger than the men she had previously been with, that much she could tell, even through the layers of clothing. Her heart began hammering in her chest as she realised what she was getting herself into and still she couldn't bring herself to stop him, to stop the inevitable train-wreck she was heading for. A small whimper escaped her lips as one of his hands closed around her breast, a sign he took as encouragement to continue his rough kneading and massaging through her button down shirt. Taking one of her arms by the wrist, he guided her hand to his crotch, silently requesting that she return the favour he was currently bestowing on her. Suppressing her desire to shudder, Olivia ran her palm of his bulge, popping the button open at the waistband of his smart navy suit pants. Gently, almost tenderly, Jonathon guided her back towards the queen-sized bed, laying her on her back and climbing on top of her. Liv felt the panic beginning to rise within her, her skin prickling as sweat beaded on her brow. Her chest heaved and when he raised her arms above her head, pinning them there while he continued his oral assault of her face and neck, visions swam before her eyes; of Sam, of Harris and Sealview. She squirmed against him, feeling suffocated and crushed by his weight atop her.

"No…" she gasped, fighting to free her arms from his grasp.

"Sssshhh, it's ok, we both want this," Jonathon murmured reassuringly, letting go of her wrists and allowing her arms to drop back to her sides.

"I'm not sure…" she fought to explain, fought to clarify in her own mind what she did want, the alcohol in her system making her head fuzzy and unclear.

"I'll be gentle. I know it can be a bit intimidating at first if you've never felt anything that big but I promise you, it'll make you feel great," Jonathon cooed, pushing her shirt up and over her chest allowing him a first proper look at her silk-encased breasts. "You're such a beautiful woman." Her body betrayed her mind as he rolled both nipples between his thumbs and forefingers, her back arching into the touch even as she fought to empty her mind of memories of her assault. In her mind's eye, she saw Sam's face, saw her disappointed expression at Olivia's actions, her choices and her heart broke. Suddenly, it was as though all the alcohol had cleared from her bloodstream. Her thoughts were ordered and startling in their clarity and she craved that cocoon of oblivion once more as she realised what she was doing.

"I can't do this," she insisted, pushing Jonathon's stocky body intently, making her desire for him to get off her plain.

"Sure you can. Just relax," he coaxed, leaning in once more to kiss her.

"NO!" she cried. "Get off me. I don't want this. I don't want you." Jonathon instantly rolled off her, seeing that her distress stemmed from a deeper place than simple intimidation of his size.

"I'm sorry," he apologized, scooting away from the frantic brunette, making it clear he was no threat to her. "I honestly thought we were both after the same thing here."

Liv leapt from the bed, yanking her shirt back down over her torso as she moved, willing her heart to slow down even as she fumbled with sliding her jacket on. "I… I'm sorry… I thought… I thought I could… I shouldn't have led you on. I'm sorry," she stammered, lower lip trembling as she backed away from the bed.

"It's ok Olivia, you're ok, this was obviously a mistake. I'm not going to stop you from leaving." There was a haunted look in the woman's eyes, one which Jonathon had never witnessed before but instinctively knew it must come from a painful place. He propped himself up against the headboard, arms passively by his sides as he attempted to look as non-threatening as possible. "Can I arrange for a cab to pick you up? You don't have to wait here, you can wait in the hotel lobby but I'd be happier knowing that you had transport to get you home."

"I'm… I don't think I'm going home, not yet. I'll be ok, I'll… figure something out," Liv stuttered as she braced herself with her hand on the door handle, ready to make good her escape.

"Be careful, Olivia and take care of yourself, ok?" Jonathon seemed genuinely concerned about her welfare, something which barely registered in the brunette's troubled mind as flashbacks continued to pummel her. Sam's voice was screaming at her that it was her fault, that Sealview happened because she had led Harris on, that she was disgusting and deserved to be in the Hell she currently found herself. She didn't realise her feet were carrying her away from the hotel, her actions autonomous as her mind trapped her in a waking nightmare.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**21.58**_

_**Cuisine Savoureuse**_

"So tell me about Alex Cabot? Who is she away from the office and the law books?" Abbie asked, sitting back in her seat at the upscale French restaurant, sipping her expensive wine whilst looking remarkably at ease in the elaborate surroundings.

"There's not much to know really. I'm a Cabot, I do what Cabots are expected to do; attend fundraisers, gala events, the opera," the blonde attorney confessed dejectedly.

"That may be true for Alexandra but what about Alex? The you that few other people get to see, the one who comes out when your apartment door closes and you're free to be yourself without limits," Abbie pressed gently.

"I… umm… I work mostly, jog some mornings when the weather is amenable and I haven't been up in the night on a case, I read, I listen to music, nothing all that thrilling really." Alex took another sip of her wine, considering just how dull her life sounded when she laid it out to someone else. "What about you? What do you do when you're not working?"

"I watch baseball, football, basketball, play softball sometimes, catch an ice hockey match here and there. I read some, I go to the movies when there's something on I want to see. Or I go out, buy a few drinks in a bar or a club, pick someone up and take them home," Abbie admitted, knowing her reputation preceded her most everywhere she went.

Alex blushed a little at her companion's candour. "Don't you ever worry about what that will mean further down the line? For your career, I mean."

"If we spent every hour of every day worrying about how someone else might view us either in the immediate term or somewhere down the line, life would pass us by without us ever actually getting involved." Abbie reached across the table, tenderly squeezing one of Alex's hands beneath her own for a brief moment. "Don't hide away from life Alex because you want to sit in the big chair. People might not forgive you everything but they also won't want someone in charge who can't connect with them. You need to feel their pain, to live life warts and all and then you'll be able to convince them you're the right woman for the job when the time comes and you push for the DA's position. You're already a hero to many for sacrificing so much of yourself to put Zapata away but you need to find a balance between showing you're fearless and coming across as a cold, ruthlessly ambitious politician who will stop at nothing to get what she wants."

"I'm not fearless," Alex admitted quietly, fiddling with the ornate cutlery in front of her. Looking up and gazing directly into Abbie's soft brown eyes, she continued, "there are so many things that terrify me, so many things that I used to take for granted before Velez and Zapata which I have no idea how to get back. I'm still trying to find myself, find the whole of myself again and that in itself scares me more than I like to admit. There are days when I worry I'll never really get back to being Alex Cabot. Alexandra is easier, she always was a front and a little cold and vacuous. ADA Cabot is getting to be more familiar again now but Alex… Alex is still very much lost in the dark."

"What's holding Alex back?" If either woman found it strange to be talking about the blonde woman in the third person, they didn't show it.

"I wish I knew. Perhaps if I did, I could work on overcoming whatever it was," Alex griped sourly.

"I don't think that's entirely true now, is it Alex? I think you suspect you do know but that you're afraid of tackling whatever it is," Abbie pressed, keeping her gaze level and not allowing the younger woman to break their connection. "You don't have to tell me and we don't have to continue this here, but please, Alex, don't lie to yourself. You'll only end up hurting more if you do." The two women sat in contemplative silence for a while, sipping their wine and mulling over their own thoughts.

"Jack seemed pleased to see you, despite his bluster about wishing you'd spoken to him first," Alex mentioned, more to break the quiet than out of a pressing urge to discuss her boss.

"Let's not talk about Jack, shall we? I think there are subjects infinitely more interesting than he is. Did you speak to Olivia earlier?" Abbie deflected, having no desire to bring work into their evening unless it was vitally necessary.

"No, she'd already left for the day by the time I got a moment to look for her. How was she when you saw her?" Alex asked.

"We had an interesting exchange… about this, us…spending time together," Abbie supplied casually, raising one hand elegantly to attract the attention of a nearby waiter. "Would you like a coffee, Alex?"

"I'd love one, thanks," Alex replied with a slight frown, waiting with strained patience until Abbie had placed their order before addressing Abbie's previous statement. "What did Liv say about us?"

"She seemed to think that she needed to be out of the apartment tonight so we could fuck like rabbits all night. And, by the way, she is under the impression that all either of us is capable of is a quick fuck, no strings attached, told me I had met my match in you that way." Abbie recounted her experience in the bullpen earlier, one eyebrow raised.

Alex cringed, recalling her own conversation with the brunette at her apartment after Abbie had left. "I may have given her that impression about me this morning. I told her I couldn't imagine myself in a relationship with anyone in case it damaged my career prospects but that I wasn't against brief, discrete affairs to tend to any needs."

"Ah, yeah that would explain that. She knows for me it would take a hell of a woman to get me to consider settling down." Abbie contemplated Alex's confession for a moment or two as she stared into her nearly empty wine glass. "Did you mean it? Would you rather spend your life alone in case it impacted on your career than have the chance to share your life with someone you love?"

"Of course I wouldn't rather that but that's just how life is. There's no one available in my life who would make me reconsider putting my career first but that doesn't mean I don't want to share intimacy with people on occasion. If I followed my heart, if I had followed my heart back when it was an option, I might have got myself and the person I care deeply about killed, possibly even taken a little collateral damage with us too." Alex swallowed thickly, willing herself not to remember how painful it had been to be ripped from her life, to leave behind her friends, her family, her career, Olivia. "I daren't take that kind of risk again. I can't… I couldn't handle that kind of pain again." And there it was, sitting squarely between them; the crux of what was holding Alex back from engaging with life, from completely grasping her life again.

"Have you explained that to Olivia? Did you tell her that it is that fear of being hurt that prevents you from forming lasting, meaningful relationships?" the Texan enquired softly.

"I think I sold it more as it being related to my family name," Alex grimaced, wondering what impression she had left her good friend with. "I need to talk to her again about it, when the time's right."

"Yes, you do. You and I both know she'll understand, probably right now more than ever. I can't imagine she feels any differently herself just at the moment," Abbie agreed. "In the meantime, I'll be honest with you Alex, I think that you are a very beautiful woman and if you were agreeable, I'd be very interested in offering you some company tonight, in a short term, no strings attached way."


	27. Chapter 27

_**Disclaimer: see Chapter one**_

_**Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter - I've received email notifications for some that aren't currently showing on here but I have read them all through email so thank you to the 'invisible' reviewers too! To the non-Abbie fans, please don't throw anything too hard at me for this chapter! There is rhyme and reason to her presence which I'm hoping over future chapters will become clearer and you might forgive me, stop sticking pins in that voodoo doll of me etc etc etc ;) So without further ado, onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Friday February 20<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**23.04**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Abbie followed Alex through the door of her apartment, the blonde checking they were indeed alone before spinning around and pinning the Texan to the wall of the entrance lobby, kissing her fiercely as the attraction they had danced around all evening asserted itself. There was nothing to stop them, nothing to prevent them from exploring the obvious chemistry they possessed and Abbie found herself helpless to resist under the onslaught of the blonde's sensuous lips. Abbie's hands found their way to Alex's hips, bringing their bodies flush together with a feral growl deep in her throat. Their tongues fought for dominance, each giving a little before plundering the other's mouth.

"Bedroom, now," Alex ordered, desperate for the feel of skin on skin. The only functioning parts of her brain were those essential for satisfying her carnal desires. Abbie backed off slightly to allow the younger woman to lead the way, sliding her hands back onto her swaying hips as she gladly followed, dropping hungry kisses along the leonine neck as they went, making Alex stumble more than once. As they crossed the threshold into Alex's bedroom, Abbie allowed her fingertips to travel inwards from proud hipbones teasing the soft flesh of her stomach before settling at the clasp of her pants, flicking the button undone deftly and making short work of the zipper too. Alex moaned quietly at the sensation of Abbie undressing her whilst pressed against her length from behind. She reached one hand backwards, guiding the brunette's ragged head back to her neck, encouraging her to continue lavishing attention upon it. Her other hand reached up to cup her own breast through her blazer. Both women groaned as Alex's cream linen pants fell loosely from her hips, pooling around her feet and leaving her long, lean legs naked. Craving the feel of that newly exposed flesh, Abbie slid her palms over toned thighs, long fingers angled downwards towards her new lover's knees, splayed in a move which was equally erotic and possessive.

"Fuck…" Abbie murmured as her hands tingled in anticipation.

"Yessssssssss…" Alex hissed in response, grinding her ass into Abbie's crotch, her intent evident. Never in her life could she remember feeling so turned on, so ready from just a few simple touches and kisses. She felt Abbie pressing into her more solidly, guiding her forward towards the bed. She kicked her pants aside, untangling them from around her feet as she followed Abbie's unspoken request. She stopped at the side of her king-sized bed, held upright on shaking legs by the Texan's firm palms still cradling her thighs.

"Turn around for me, Alex," Abbie drawled, sliding her hands back towards the blonde's slender hips and encouraging her to spin around to face her. As Alex complied, a little unsteadily in her aroused haze, Abbie's fingers began unsnapping the buttons on Alex's baby blue blouse, starting from the bottom. The heat emanating from the beautiful attorney's skin made it very difficult for Abbie to take her time, to savour each moment. Finally, the garment hung open beneath the cream linen jacket Alex still wore, revealing stunningly sculpted musculature that had Abbie's mouth watering.

"Can I…?" Alex raised a tentative hand to the zipper fastening of Abbie's own taupe jacket, wanting to get to the tanned skin beneath it.

"I'd be disappointed if you didn't," Abbie confessed breathlessly, tracing random patterns over Alex's rippling stomach muscles with her fingertips. "How long has it been, Alex? How long since anyone worshipped your body and made you cry out in ecstasy?"

"Too long…" Alex admitted, inhaling sharply at the heady sensations the Texan was creating. She made short work of Abbie's jacket, moving on swiftly to tug the plain, scoop neck T-shirt beneath over her tousled raven hair. The topless attorney surged against her new lover, the motion sending them both tumbling onto the luxurious Egyptian cotton bed covers, Abbie's slender form fitting atop Alex's equally lithe own in a fusion of angles and plains. Alex's hands explored the newly uncovered torso, sliding heated palms over strong back muscles, caressing shoulders and straining biceps as the slightly taller woman struggled to hold her weight above the writhing blonde mass beneath her. "Touch me…" Alex begged, her voice a needy cry in the almost silent night. Needing no further invitation, Abbie rolled to the side slightly, coaxing Alex into a seated position long enough to divest her of her remaining clothing. All that remained between the Texan and her ultimate goal was a tiny scrap of pale blue lace.

"Ooooohhhhhhh," Abbie groaned, feeling a fresh flood of desire seep from her already saturated core. "So beautiful," she husked reverently, lowering her lips to one pebbled nipple, taking it between her teeth and toying with it gently, teasing the sensitive flesh before soothing it with her tongue. Driven on by Alex's quiet mewls and whimpers, Abbie switched her attention to the other breast, lavishing the same attentions on that peak as its twin had enjoyed. She felt one of Alex's hands fist in her hair, holding her head against the straining flesh as two pairs of hips moved simultaneously to try and seek some friction to relieve their tension.

Alex balled a generous handful of the comforter in her other fist, gripping it tightly as though it was the only thing likely to keep her grounded. "Abbie please…" Alex's voice was pleading even as her hand urged Abbie to move further south, to take care of the pressing need she had awakened. Never one to willingly disappoint a lady, Abbie acquiesced, reluctantly leaving those succulent, responsive breasts and trailing a path of kisses down her toned torso, detouring here and there to explore sensitive areas with lips, tongue and teeth. As she drew level with the baby blue thong, Abbie encouraged Alex to raise her hips slightly, allowing her to remove that one final barrier, drawing the tiny garment down over long, lean legs which she delighted in teasing with her fingertips before placing her palms against the insides of quivering thighs, silently asking the aroused blonde to spread them further. She inhaled the younger woman's scent as her delicate folds exposed themselves to her, delighting in the sensation and powerless to resist its lure. Tantalisingly, she trailed the very tip of her tongue through the moist crevice, sampling the tangy, addictive juices of her lover. That one taste, that teasing sample of what lay ahead drove both women wild. Alex's hips bucked almost violently off the bed as Abbie drove forward, latching onto the succulent swollen flesh with her mouth, thoroughly exploring her folds, drinking in her essence and suckling on the pulsating bundle of nerves. The brunette moaned, a deep sensual sound which reverberated through Alex's core and had her crying out in delight. Abbie trailed one hand upwards, laying her palm against the pliant flesh of Alex's right breast as one long, slender finger toyed with her fluttering opening. Laying her tongue flat against Alex's clit and tugging almost painfully on the nipple in her hand, Abbie plunged two fingers deftly into Alex's tight, hot core, drawing further screams and whimpers from the unabashed blonde. She felt her own hips begin to rock against the edge of the bed as she sought to satisfy her own needs as well as her lover's. Strong internal muscles clamped down firmly, trapping Abbie's fingers deep inside Alex's centre and allowing her very little room for further movement. She gentled her tongue's strokes, teasing out the full extent of the orgasm and earning herself a harsh, hoarse wordless cry from the woman beneath her. As Alex lay panting and spent against the covered bed, Abbie crawled back up her body, slowly extracting her fingers from their hot cocoon. With the blonde attorney watching on, golden hair splayed across the bedspread like a magnificent halo, Abbie sucked each digit diligently, cleansing it of all remnants of Alex's excitement.

"Mmmm, so good," she moaned, revelling in the taste of the exhausted woman. Leaning close, she placed a heated kiss against Alex's lips, slipping her tongue into her mouth at the earliest opportunity and allowing the younger woman to share in the taste of herself. Throwing one leg over Alex's thigh, the Texan straddled her and set up a steady rocking pace, coating the well muscled limb liberally with her own juices as she sought to finalise her own climax. Recovering enough of her senses to coordinate a few of her limbs, Alex slipped her hand between their bodies, brushing her fingertips over the swollen nubbin of nerves at Abbie's apex. The tall brunette jerked spasmodically at the contact to her sensitive flesh.

"Tell me what you need," Alex implored, wanting to drive the woman over the edge just as Abbie herself had done for Alex but needing guidance, not being experienced in stimulating a woman's body other than her own.

"Just you… touch me, Alex, please…" Abbie panted, still rocking against the tensed, muscular thigh beneath her, the friction keeping her arousal piqued but not enough to send her over that tantalising precipice. Taking the initiative, Alex flipped them over, rolling until she was on top of the startled brunette, pinning long, lean, spidery arms above her tousled brunette head and instructing her to keep them there. Lowering her lips to Abbie's prone body, Alex lavished a fiery path of kisses over her bronzed skin, trailing from one shoulder across her prominent collarbone, pausing to swirl her tongue teasingly in the shallow dip at the base of the Texan's throat before kissing, nipping and suckling her way across to the other shoulder. Abbie arched into the hot, sensual mouth of her blonde bedmate, fearing she would go insane before she found the release she was so desperate for if Alex insisted on continuing at this languid pace.

"Your skin is so soft, so beautiful," Alex murmured, lips brushing against the smooth plains of Abbie's upper chest as she spoke, hair trailing over the skin of the prone woman's shoulders adding to the dizzying sensations being created. Her slow, leisurely exploration earned her a deep, low growl from the object of her attention, drawing a playful smile to her lips. "And so impatient, I see, Ms Carmichael," she teased.

"You're an evil woman, Cabot!" Abbie groaned throatily, delighting in the immense arousal even as it threatened to drive her mad. It had been a long, long time since she had allowed herself to be so submissive. Each of her lovers had proved themselves to be adept at playing her body but Alex's gentle, almost tentative worshipping of her flesh was a refreshing change from her usual frantic fucks.

"Oh really? If I was really that evil, I'd leave you hanging, wouldn't I?" Alex asked innocently, backing away slightly.

"Don't you dare," Abbie barked, surging off the bed and grappling with the blonde to prevent her from escaping too far. The two women rocked together, their bodies fused and further igniting the growing inferno in the brunette's loins. "Holy shit!" Abbie exclaimed breathlessly as Alex snaked a hand between them, sliding two fingers deep into the older woman's sopping, scorching centre.

"Oh God!" Alex exclaimed, her own core pulsating with renewed need as she felt Abbie's strong internal muscles clutch at her fingers, urging them to stay buried within her even as she withdrew partially only to drive those same fingers back deep inside their fiery cocoon. The feel of their small breasts rubbing against one another only served to heighten both women's desire as they continued to rock against one another, the pace become more frenetic, more frantic as Abbie sped towards her climax. Acknowledging the effect their position was having on her partner, the Texan managed to release her grip on Alex's shoulder and pushed two of her own long fingers deep into Alex's centre, swallowing the blonde's ecstatic cry with a bruising kiss. Abbie hurtled over the edge of her orgasm, writhing and thrashing against Alex's slender body, gripping her to her with untold strength.

"Yesssssssssssssssssssssssssss," she cried as her muscles froze, locking Alex's diligent digits deep within her. Alex, still sensitive from her previous climax swiftly followed Abbie over the edge, clamping down on the fingers pressed into her core and bucking jerkily against the brunette. She released a guttural keening as she fell, the whine forming a single word which brought them both crashing back to Earth.

"…Liv." Horrified, Alex clambered away from her companion, wincing as she tore herself off the fingers still tightly trapped inside her.

"Hey, hey, don't run away," Abbie coaxed, following her skittish lover even as her mind reeled. She had suspected that there were deeper feelings between the two women than simple friendship but she had never considered Alex would go so far as to imagine that it was Olivia with her rather than herself. She couldn't prevent the brief flash of hurt which pierced her, even as she acknowledged that she had been guilty of using others to forget another in the past.

"I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry," Alex sobbed. "I don't know where that came from." Alex curled herself into a tight ball, facing away from the woman who had just shattered her world by unleashing the one thing she had reigned in all her adult life – the truth about herself, her sexuality, the reason why none of the men she had been with had ever fulfilled her wants, needs, desires. And not only that, but she had betrayed two people she hoped she could consider friends; one by fantasising about being so intimate with her so soon after she had cruelly lost her lover and the other by thinking of someone else during what should have been a spectacular moment.

"I do and it's ok. Alex, it's ok." Abbie approached the other woman carefully, not wanting to further traumatise her but needing to show her that she understood, that she was still there for her as a friend if she wanted her to be.

"How can you say that? How can it be ok? I know how much it hurts to hear someone else's name from the lips of someone you're with intimately. I felt it every time, in Witsec, when Steve called for Emily as he came inside me. Only he was calling for a ghost, a woman who didn't really exist, not for his best friend who is grieving the loss of a woman she loved with all her heart." Alex curled up even tighter, hammering a fist against her thigh in self recrimination until the flailing limb was caught in a strong grip.

"Yes, I wish that, physically, I could be enough for you alone but I went into this knowing your heart was elsewhere, Alex. But it is ok to be human, to want to be free to love whomever you are attracted to. Sure, the timing sucks but you and Olivia are both young enough to still have a shot at exploring the connection between you once she is sufficiently recovered from Sam's death, if she wishes to. But Alex, you need to let yourself be open to the possibility of more than this, more than a quick fuck with a willing partner after which you turn on yourself." Abbie slid her body in close behind Alex, cradling her naked form in the most non-threatening way that she could, keeping her hands to neutral places such as shoulders, hair, Alex's knee which was tucked so close to her chin she could almost rest it on there.

"How did you know?" Alex's voice was small, timid, unsure, her body neither relaxing into nor pulling away from Abbie's embrace.

"I've been around enough people to recognise when there's a spark there and what you two have already is so much deeper than any normal friendship. In any other circumstances, there'd be no question that taking it to the next stage would be the most natural progression in the world. Of course, given how things are, you'll need to be patient if you can, until such a time when Liv is ready to think about opening her heart to love again," Abbie explained softly, tenderly running her fingers through silky flaxen locks.

"I've waited ten years already," Alex confessed equally as quietly, her voice trembling with unshed tears. "Maybe the fates or whatever are trying to tell me that it will never be the right time, that I should give up on Olivia and hope I can find some semblance of happiness elsewhere."

"Never settle for less than what your heart desires, Alex but don't close your heart or your mind to the possibility that there might be someone out there for you, someone other than Olivia Benson, as gorgeous as she is. You deserve to be happy just as much as the next person and sometimes, that happiness comes just when we give up hoping for it." Abbie pressed a chaste kiss to the back of Alex's unblemished shoulder. "And if you won't allow yourself that, at least promise me that if you ever need an itch scratching, you'll give me a call and not have unsatisfying, unfulfilling sex with a society boy simply because his face fits in Cabot circles? It doesn't have to mean anything and you can count on me to be discrete so you don't need to worry about your career prospects until you're ready to be honest about yourself, if that day ever comes. And if it never does, then for as long as I'm single and there's breath in my body, I'll be happy to shower you with a little affection here and there. God knows you are more than capable of making it worth my while!" Abbie teased with a chuckle, playfully nipping at Alex's earlobe in an attempt to break the young woman from her torpor.

"I need a drink," Alex stated flatly as she squirmed out of Abbie's hold and rose from the bed, grabbing her satin robe and tugging it around her body as she stood. "Can I get you anything?" she asked, almost as an afterthought.

"Uh yeah, a glass of water would be good, thanks," Abbie replied, rising from the bed herself and pulling on her pale lilac t-shirt after retrieving it from where it had been discarded. After a few seconds more hunting, she found her plain white briefs, slipping them up her long legs before padding out of the bedroom in search of her hostess.

Alex padded into the kitchen, her bare feet slapping softly against the cool slate tiles. She reached into the cupboard above the sink for a couple of tumbler glasses, noticing the light blinking on her answering machine as she did so. Hitting the button to play her messages, Alex turned towards the refrigerator, retrieving the jug of filtered water she kept in there before pouring Abbie a glass of the ice cold liquid.

"_Hi Alex, Olivia, it's Gina. I was just calling to see how you were both doing and when we can get together again for dinner? Olivia, I called your mobile earlier but it went straight to your voicemail – is everything ok? Please call me when you get a moment._" A mechanical voice kicked in, informing the listener, "_message left at eight thirty three pm on Friday February 20__th__._" The recording ended, the sudden silence of the kitchen being disturbed by the sound of smashing glass. The empty tumbler Alex had been holding slipped from her grasp, crashing to the floor and skittering fragments in all directions as her mind took in the implications of what that message meant. Olivia wasn't at the Camanetti's, nor had she had any arrangement to be there that evening.

"Alex? Are you ok?" Abbie raced into the kitchen, stopping short in the doorway as she caught sight of the treacherous path of glass shards between herself and Alex, whose skin was so pale it was almost translucent in the harsh overhead light. "Stay where you are, ok? Don't move, just tell me where you keep your sweeping brush."

"It's… ummm… it's… Liv's missing," Alex suddenly blurted, startling Abbie into silence. "Gina left a message on the machine. Olivia's not at their place."

"What? Well where in the hell is she then?" Abbie barked, dropping her head into her hands and releasing a frustrated groan at her headstrong friend. "Let me grab a brush, sweep up this glass and then we can both get dressed and find her stubborn ass."

"It's in the closet by the front door. I'll phone the precinct, make sure she's not crashing in the crib," Alex supplied, her attention already turning to the cordless handset which rested on the island counter-cum-breakfast-bar.

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><p><em><strong>Saturday February 21<strong>__**st**__** 2009**_

_**00.23**_

_**Samia Camanetti's memorial stone**_

Olivia hugged her arms tighter around her body, shivering in the frigid night air as she lay on the frozen, solid ground beside Sam's memorial plaque. She had no more tears to shed, no more apologies to offer for the mistake she had come so close to making earlier in the evening with Jonathon. She felt the cold chill creep deep into her soul, accepting it as punishment for her transgression; for betraying Sam's memory, for leading a man to believe she was available, for pushing her friends away simply because they were trying to find some small semblance of companionship with each other. The spark of jealousy had surprised her at the precinct, a spark she believed had been ignited by someone else becoming the focus of Alex's attention. Alex had been Liv's rock, the one thing throughout the tumult which had kept her grounded, kept her feeling as though she could weather the storm and come through the other side with only minimal scarring. And she was facing losing that to a woman Olivia had known for years, casually and intimately, a woman who was undoubtedly beautiful and sexy but whom Liv couldn't help but think was unworthy of Alex's devotion.

"_You're jealous because it's not you she wants to take to her bed,_" a niggling voice in her head implied snidely.

"No!" she cried out, her voice lost to the wind which blustered around her, driving the cold deeper into her bones.

"_Yes you are. You want Alex and Abbie to want you not each other. You want them to screw your brains out so you forget all about Sam_."

"Stop, please…just STOP!" Olivia screamed, scrubbing her hands over her face and pressing her palms tightly against her ears as though she could drown out the taunts.

"_You're just a deviant, just like your father. All you care about is sex. That's all Sam was to you, wasn't it? A warm body to fuck whenever you felt like it._"

"No, please, God no. I LOVE HER. I LOVE HER. Sam, please, baby, I love **you**. I love you, I want to be with you. Please baby, this is too hard… I can't do this… I can't keep going without you. I know what I said, what I promised but sweetheart I can't bear this. I miss you, so much, with every breath I take. Every minute that passes takes me further and further away from you and I can't… I can't… Don't make me lose you, please… _please_." Liv was sobbing openly, her face pressed up against the cool stone of the memorial to her late lover. She was heedless of the world around her, lost to her gut wrenching pain. It seemed like every time she thought she was taking a step forward, something conspired against her to dash her against the rocks of her grief once again. Returning to the hospital combined with being pinned beneath Jonathon's bulk had overwhelmed her fragile mind, threatening to shut it down entirely and hold her prisoner in a world of painful flashbacks. Had she been thinking logically, she would have known that she needed to reach out to those around her; to her PTSD counsellor, to Michael, Alex's ex-Army friend whom had been a source of great support, even to Alex herself but her grief, her fear, her anguish had stripped her of that ability. All she knew was the soul-destroying chasm within her which could never hope to be filled; not by substitutes in her bed nor by drink or work. There was nothing she could imagine which would ever fill that void.

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><p><em><strong>Saturday February 21<strong>__**st**__** 2009**_

_**00.47**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"Shit!" Alex exclaimed, slamming the handset down onto the marble worksurface.

"Nothing?" Abbie asked, somewhat redundantly since the blonde's reaction spoke volumes regarding her success, or lack thereof, in tracking down Olivia's whereabouts.

"No. She's not at the precinct, Elliot hasn't seen or heard from her since she left work, her cellphone's turned off or out of range. I'm going over to her apartment and so help her if she's there." Alex stalked from the kitchen, shedding her robe as soon as she was inside her bedroom, grabbing the first pair of jeans, long sleeved t-shirt and sweatshirt that she could find. Reaching clean underwear out of her dresser, Alex turned and tossed the clothing onto her bed, spying Abbie already hurriedly re-dressing herself. "You'll catch your death of cold out there like that Carmichael. Help yourself to anything you want from my wardrobe, I've plenty of sweaters and if you can stand the legs being a little on the short side, I reckon my jeans will fit your skinny ass too."

Abbie threw a grateful smile in Alex's direction, momentarily distracted by the gentle sway of the blonde's small breasts as she leant over to yank on her panties. "I'll be glad to hold her down so you can whoop her ass when we find her, if you need a partner in crime," she drawled, tearing her eyes away before Alex could catch her staring.

"You'd better believe you will or you'll be next in my firing line," Alex snarked. "I've already had to hunt her down like a prize in a scavenger hunt once this month and that was during daylight hours. She's going to feel how much I appreciate being dragged out at this time of the night because she chose to lie to me… to us." Abbie understood that there was no small amount of guilt behind Alex's anger, a realisation that, despite their efforts to reassure her, their chemistry had driven her from the home she had known since coming out of hospital.

"We'll find her Alex. She'll be ok, wherever she is, she'll be ok. She's a fighter." The words were as much to convince herself as they were to appease Alex.

"And what if she's not? What if she's given up fighting? You've not seen her on her worst days, Abbie, not by far. She is strong, yes, one of the strongest women I know but this… I'm scared that this is breaking her. And even if she's not gone and done something reckless, something stupid, what if whoever did this to Sam has decided that it's not enough to take the one person who means most to her? What if they won't be satisfied until Liv's dead too?" The blonde attorney voiced some of the fears which were reverberating round her head. "How will I live with _my_self if I was too busy getting laid to give a damn about my best friend when she needed me most?"

Despite both of their semi-dressed states, Abbie crossed the room on swift feet, sweeping the distraught young woman into her arms and holding her close, tenderly soothing a hand over her fine blonde hair. "Ssshh Alex, you can't think like that. Don't torture yourself with what if's and if only's. What's done is done, we can't change the past but we can make damn sure we prove to Liv that she has a whole lot to live for. Come on, let's get dressed and we'll go whoop us some stubborn Benson ass. She's probably just too proud to come back here having made such a show of giving us the night to screw each other's brains out," Abbie surmised in her usual blunt way, letting go of the other woman and continuing to throw her borrowed outfit onto her lean frame. In an effort to break some of the tension she felt gathering in the silent air, Abbie quipped, "you know, this isn't my usual method for avoiding that awkward morning after. I'm more of a slink out in the early hours gal myself!" A withering look was Alex's only response as she pulled her hair into an untidy ponytail and moved towards the door. Abbie caught her around her waist, stilling her motion for a brief moment to press a tender, almost chaste kiss to her lips. "Despite how this evening is developing, I don't regret what we did. I hope you don't either. I'd hate to think this would sour things between us, I mean we do still have to work together for the next few months at least."

"Not now, ok, Abbie? I can't have this discussion now but I won't let it affect our working relationship, no matter how things turn out. The outcome is too important."


	28. Chapter 28

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**Thanks all for your reviews - I've been reading them on email since for some reason, the site won't let me view them here! Rude! Welcome to new readers and thank you to all who are reading and an extra thanks to those who have added it to their alerts. Glad there have been no boulders flung my way for the last chapter! *heaves sigh of relief* A little break from the angst and the Abbie/Alex action in this one. Onwards to Thanksgiving with Liv and Sam...**_

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><p><em><strong>Thursday 27<strong>__**th**__** October 2008**_

_**19.04**_

_**Fausto's restaurant, East 4**__**th**__** Street**_

The entire restaurant was vibrating with the buzz and hum of the crowd as Olivia and Samia slipped in through the side door. The Camanetti's had closed the doors on their business for the evening, a traditional occurrence to accommodate their extended family when they descended to celebrate Thanksgiving in raucous style. It was Olivia's first experience of the clan, having heard plenty about Fausto's brother's crew from Sam and Fausto himself but Gina's relatives were a little more unknown. She was nervous about meeting so many people but hoped that with Sam by her side, she would survive relatively unscathed. She had had to fudge the truth slightly to throw Elliot off from his incessant questioning about why she wouldn't join them as she had for as many years as either of them could remember since they had been partnered up at work. In the end, she had confessed that she was seeing someone and that she was spending Thanksgiving with their family but remained tight-lipped about the identity of her new 'beau' as Elliot opted to call the mystery suitor.

"Aunty Sami!" a young voice cried above the din. The voice, Olivia realised, belonged to a tiny blonde boy who was hurtling towards his 'aunt', who was in fact his cousin but he was too young to make the distinction.

"Hey munchkin!" Sam greeted, groaning as he flung himself into her arms and demanded to be lifted up. "You're getting too big for this now, little man. Aunty Sami needs more spinach if she's going to be lifting you up much longer," she told him seriously, undermining her words by tickling his ribs, holding him tight to her body as he squirmed.

"I not too big, I'm four and a half," Tony insisted, making himself at home against his favourite cousin's shoulder.

"I stand corrected!" Sam stated, doing her best to look contrite. "Hey Tony, I want you to say hello to someone special." Urging Liv closer to them, she turned her hip-riding-limpet around to face her lover. "Tony, this is my girlfriend Olivia. Liv, this little monster is Anthony Camanetti the third but he insists that we call him Tony. Tony's parents are my uncle's youngest son, Anthony, and his wife, Ella." As she spoke, Sam pointed the people in question out to her lover, smiling reassuringly as Liv flashed her a panicked look at the prospect of having to remember so many names and try to match them to the correct faces. "Say hi Tony," Sam prompted the suddenly shy child.

"Hi 'Livia," he squeaked before burying his head in Sam's neck.

"Hi Tony, nice to meet you," Liv cooed with a warm, friendly smile and soft eyes, well versed in handling bashful youngsters.

"Where's your sister, Tony?" Samia asked, swivelling her head in all directions and scanning the crowd to try and spot Tony's sibling.

"She's upstairs laying down in your old room. She was sicky on the way here in the car so Mamma made her sleep," Tony informed his cousin gravely, laying his head on her shoulder and gazing up at her adoringly. It was clear that he doted on the young woman, that much was patently obvious even to Olivia's eyes.

"Sami, darling," an older gentleman approached. Though broader around the beam and shorter than Fausto, there was no mistaking them as anything other than brothers such was the likeness between them.

"Uncle Tony, how are you? Is Aunt Helena with you this year?" Sam asked accepting a kiss on both cheeks from her father's brother.

"She is, dear girl and I've no doubt she'll be along in just a moment to say hello herself. Now, who is this gorgeous young lady gazing at you with such love in her eyes?" The older Tony chuckled as he watched colour begin a march up Olivia's smooth, sculpted cheeks.

"Uncle Tony, Olivia Benson; detective with the NYPD and light of my life," Sam introduced emphatically, hoisting Tony III back higher on to her hip again. "Olivia, this is my dad's wayward brother, Tony Camanetti the first. We got the more creative genes on our side of the family, thankfully or else I might have ended up being called Fausto regardless of me being a girl!" All three adults let loose a short peel of laughter, causing a confused young boy to watch them and join in belatedly, obviously having no idea what was amusing but not wanting to be left out by his grandfather and cousin. The child's fake laughter in turn set the adults off laughing once more.

"Nice to finally meet you, Olivia. I've heard glowing reports from my brother and sister-in-law about how well you're suiting our little girl, here." Tony leant in, clasping Olivia's shoulders in two meaty hands before planting a kiss on each of her cheeks, smiling warmly at her startled expression. "So Olivia…" Tony began, wrapping an arm around the detective's broad shoulders and leading her away from her lover under the guise of getting to know her better.

Sam wandered further into the melee, scouting out her parents and placing Tony III on the ground at her feet, keeping a watchful eye on where her lover was at all times. "Hi Mamma, hi Papa," she greeted, giving them both a tight, warm hug.

"Hi sweetheart…" Gina paused, frowning a little, "no Olivia? Is everything ok?"

"Oh don't worry Mamma, Liv's here. She's been kidnapped by Uncle Tony who is no doubt either giving her the full family history or terrifying the life out of her with his fictional tales of life as a mobster in days gone by!" Sam quipped jovially.

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><p><em><strong>Thursday 27<strong>__**th**__** October 2008**_

_**20.44**_

_**Fausto's restaurant, East 4**__**th**__** Street**_

"Papa, have you seen Olivia recently?" Sam asked as she popped her head around the doorway of the kitchen. She had barely spent five minutes with her lover all evening, her family seeming to conspire to keep them apart as everyone fought for the newcomer's attention. Sam loved that they had accepted her so readily but was growing frustrated with their lack of contact. Their time together the rest of the week had been limited, with Liv catching most nights to ensure that she could get this one evening off to spend with her lover. At least she knew they would end the night together with a few hours of uninterrupted sleep and snuggling time.

"Last I saw her, she was being led into the lounge by young Tony, Felicia, Luca and Joey. That was about an hour or so ago though, just after the meal finished. She has quite a way with the little ones, that girl. She'd make a perfect mother," Fausto hinted with a wink. Sam simply threw him a benevolent smile and an almost imperceptible nod of agreement before heading out in search of her errant lover once more. She slipped through the thinning crowd of relatives, offering the occasional pleasantry to those who addressed her but not letting them deter her any longer from being reunited with Olivia. She spied her mother ahead, hovering in the doorway to the lounge.

"Mamma, have you seen Liv?" she called quietly when she was close enough. The Camanetti matriarch turned around, beckoning her daughter closer with a finger to her lips, silently instructing her not to draw attention to their presence. Joining her mother in the doorway, Sam peeped inside, her heart catching in her throat at the sight which greeted her. Olivia sat in the centre of the sofa with two children either side of her and three more at her feet, all listening intently to her as read from the book in her hands and watching her with awestruck expressions on their faces.

"…He flew into the water and swam towards the beautiful creatures. They saw him and shot forward to meet him. '_Only kill me,_' said the poor creature, and he bowed his head low, expecting death. But what did he see in the water? He saw beneath him his own form, no longer that of a plump, ugly grey bird—it was that of a Swan. It matters not to have been born in a duck-yard, if one has been hatched from a Swan's egg. And now the Swan began to see the good of all the trouble he had been through. He would never have known how happy he was if he had not first had all his sorrow and unhappiness to bear." Olivia paused as she let Joey turn the page, her gaze fondly sweeping over all her tiny companions, drinking in their rapt expressions before returning her attention to the story.

"The larger swans swam round him, and stroked him with their beaks. Some little children were running about in the garden; they threw grain and bread into the water, and the youngest exclaimed: '_There is a new one!_' The others also cried out: '_Yes, a new Swan has come!_' and they clapped their hands, and danced around." Sam had to stifle a joyful laugh as all the children seated around her lover clapped with Tony and his cousin, Luca, shuffling around on their bottoms in a dance. Felicia quietly mimicked the brunette's vocalisation of the children in the story's exclamations, clearly under the spell of a serious case of hero-worship. Liv waited patiently for them to settle again before continuing the tale of the 'Ugly Duckling'.

"They ran to their father and mother, bread and cake were thrown into the water, and every one said: '_The new one is best, so young and so beautiful!_' And the old Swans bowed before him. The young Swan felt quite ashamed, and hid his head under his wings. He scarcely knew what to do. He was too happy, but still not proud, for a good heart is never proud," Olivia announced gravely, turning the final page in the book.

"He remembered how he had been persecuted and laughed at, and he now heard everyone say that he was the most beautiful of all beautiful birds. The syringas bent down their branches toward him low into the water, and the sun shone warmly and brightly. He shook his feathers, stretched his slender neck, and in the joy of his heart said: '_How little did I dream of so much happiness when I was the despised Ugly Duckling!_'" Olivia smiled warmly as she closed the book to a round of cheers from her audience.

"'Livia, what's a s…si…sirin…" Luca asked, struggling to pronounce the unfamiliar word.

"A syringa? It's a type of tree with purple flowers on it, honey," Liv replied with a warm smile.

"I like purple, it's my favouritest colour _ever_," Ani, another distant cousin of Tony and Sam's, informed their storyteller excitedly.

"Really? Wow, that's so cool. My favourite colour's purple too," Olivia told the dark-haired seven year old, laughing softly as Ani squealed in delight.

"She's so natural with them," Gina cooed quietly to her daughter from their semi-hidden position in the doorway off to the side of the lounge.

"She just keeps on amazing me and making me fall that little bit more in love with her. Mamma, I don't remember ever feeling this way about anyone else. I feel like my heart might literally burst, it's so full of love for her," Sam murmured, her eyes a little teary and wearing an expression of wonder not dissimilar to some of those on the faces of the children gathered around the detective.

"Are my children terrorising your girlfriend, Samia?" Ella, Tony and Felicia's mother, asked as she arrived in the doorway, having been searching for her children wondering what on Earth they were up to. Usually when everything went quiet with the pair of them was when it was truly time to worry about their antics!

"Not at all. I think Liv is in her element," Sam assured the stocky blonde woman, indicating the cosy, heart warming scene in the lounge.

"She's a keeper without doubt if she can handle the terrible twosome and their cousins!" Ella retorted on a laugh. "I'll go and rescue her before they outstay their welcome. We've got to get heading home, Tony has an early start tomorrow. His job, unfortunately waits for no one – accidents still happen and someone has to patch up the patients." She kissed each of the women on their cheeks before slipping between them to retrieve her children from where they were cuddled up to their new favourite adult. Sam followed, making eye contact with her lover the instant she stepped into the room and quickly becoming mesmerized by the older woman's rich mocha orbs. Two young voices whined as they were informed by their mother that it was time to leave but they grudgingly hauled themselves off the couch. Each of them spontaneously turned to Olivia and held their arms out for a hug before they would follow their mom from the room though.

As Felicia bid Sam farewell, she exclaimed loudly enough for all occupants of the room to hear, "Aunty Sam, you have the coolest girlfriend in the world!"

"I sure do, baby girl," Sam agreed, smiling widely at both the besotted girl and her now blushing partner.

Stepping closer to the still seated woman, Sam leant down and pressed a chaste but firm kiss to her lover's lips, chuckling as she heard another mischievous voice pipe up, "Sam and Olivia sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G."

"Luca Benedict Scavello, that will be quite enough of that!" the boy's mother, Bianca, admonished before he could go any further with his rhyme. "Say goodnight now, we're heading home in five minutes. Don't forget to use the bathroom before we go this time. We're not stopping by the side of the road as soon as we get three blocks away again because you can't wait 'til we get home." Of all her cousins, Bianca was Sam's least favourite. It wasn't that she disliked the rake-thin, short-haired brunette but she could be a little brash and occasionally unnecessarily harsh with her children, in Sam's eyes. The young boy meekly did as he was told, his brother, Bruno, following suit, both stopping to request a hug from Olivia and thank her for reading them the story. As the congregation in the lounge dwindled, Gina coaxed Ani and Joey, the only remaining children out of the room, pulling the door to in order to give the two lovers some semblance of privacy in which to reconnect.

Sam lowered herself onto the sofa beside the still reclining brunette, sliding one hand up the toned, muscular thigh closest to her. With her free hand, she reached across and picked the book up from where it had been abandoned on the couch cushion, lovingly caressing its cover with a wistful expression. "This used to be my favourite bedtime story when I was a girl. I loved hearing you read it to the kids," Sam sighed contentedly as she gently tossed the book behind her onto the end table beside the sofa. "You survived the clan then?" she queried, gazing lovingly at the older woman, still swooning from watching her interact so naturally with her young cousins. When the whole family got together, it usually followed that there would be at least two of the children in tears before the festivities ended. This year had proved to be an exception to that rule, with all of the kids being drawn to Olivia's warm and open personality and too distracted by her fooling about with them and then the story-time to bicker amongst each other.

"I love your family, sweetheart. They've all been so kind, so accepting of me… of us, our relationship. I've never had this before, it's… it makes me love you even more, if that's possible." Olivia leant across the small divide, resting her forehead against Sam's and rubbing their noses together in an Eskimo kiss.

"They love you because of who you are; an amazing, beautiful, caring, gentle soul who continues to surprise me in the very best of ways. Watching you with the kids, how they responded to you, how much they adore you even though they only met you tonight, how you engaged them with the story, I can't tell you how that makes me feel. There are no words that can adequately explain how my heart sang with the most exquisite joy, knowing that you are willing to give me more than a second glance and take on my crazy relatives. You are amazing. You make me want to tell everyone that I am so in love with you that I want to burst." Sam's words ran out as Liv crushed her lips to the teacher's mouth, pulling their bodies closer together as she wound her arms around the blonde's slender waist.

When they finally broke for air, long moments later, Olivia assured her partner, "I know honey, I know exactly what you mean because I feel exactly the same way every time I look at you. I feel like I should pinch myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming; like we're still in the first flushes of exciting new love every time I see you or talk to you. Happy Thanksgiving sweetheart and thank you for giving me so many things to be thankful for."

Tears of joy trickled from the corners of Sam's eyes as she hugged the brunette tightly, burying her head in the crook of her neck and breathing in her familiar, intoxicating scent. "Take me home and I'll show you just how thankful I am to have you in my life," she husked enticingly, suckling the racing pulse point beneath her lips to emphasize her point.

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><p><em><strong>Thursday 27<strong>__**th**__** October 2008**_

_**21.52**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

Olivia felt herself being pinned against the wall in the entryway of her apartment, plush, pliant lips massaging her own in a desperate dance of desire. A breathy whimper was released into the air as Sam's mouth withdrew, a whimper which Liv was surprised to learn came from her own throat completely involuntarily.

"It's ok babe, I'm not going far," Sam murmured erotically as she allowed her tongue to trace a path down the strong column of her lover's neck. Her hands were busy unfastening the buttons on Olivia's short sleeved, crimson shirt, opening her body up to continued oral exploration.

Olivia's own hands stroked over her girlfriend's clothed back, across her shoulders and down her bare arms as far as she could reach. Her fingertips tingled in anticipation, her arousal heightened by each nip, each kiss, each languid caress of the younger woman's tongue against her overheated skin. "God woman, I need you…" Liv moaned wantonly.

"You have me honey, all of me for as long as you want me," Sam replied, her words sending tantalising vibrations through the brunette's sensitive flesh as she circled first one and then the other taut straining nipple through the simple cotton fabric of her buxom lover's bra. The button on Liv's charcoal gray pants was popped open easily, the zipper lowered painfully slowly, finally allowing the material to pool around Liv's ankles. "So beautiful," Sam murmured appreciatively as she stepped back slightly to drink in the sight of her panting, aroused partner, leaning heavily against the wall just inside her front door for support; shirt hanging open exposing sculpted abs and heaving full breasts; long, toned, tanned legs trembling slightly under the stress of trying to hold her weight. "Stay right where you are my love and keep your eyes open for me," Sam requested saucily, stepping out of the older woman's reach and beginning to writhe seductively before her, shedding her own clothing in time with a rhythm only she was able to hear.

Another low guttural groan was torn from barely parted lips at the visage unfurling in front of Olivia. Samia unwrapped her body as though it was a precious gift, which the detective was quick to acknowledge it was; possibly the most precious gift the young blonde could give her with the exception of her heart and that had already been given, and accepted, freely. Liv's hips began rocking back and forth slightly, humping the air automatically as she craved friction, contact, stimulation, release, despite there being nothing to provide such things near to her. The groans turned to a long moan of frustration as her cellphone started to ring beside her on the side table. It took all of her resolve not to simply ignore the pesky device in the hopes that whoever was on the other end would get the message and leave her alone. Her ingrained sense of duty however won and she reached for the offending phone, snatching it up and barking her name into the receiver by way of a greeting.

"Liv, hi, Happy Thanksgiving!" Elliot called cheerfully into his partner's ear.

"Thanks Elliot, what do you need?" Liv ground out, barely suppressing a whimper as Sam continued her striptease, removing her bra and palming her own breasts, eyes fluttering shut in ecstasy at the sensation.

"What, can't a guy just call his partner to wish her Happy Thanksgiving?" Elliot chirped, sounding far too chipper to be completely sober.

"He can but now's not the best time for a chat El. I'm kind of… in the middle of something important," Olivia cautioned on a low growl, a gasp escaping as Sam's hand dipped inside her own panties, the other remaining at chest level to toy with her proudly distended nipple.

"Really? Woah stud, whoever he is, he's a lucky guy you know? I mean you know that right? You know you deserve someone amazing? Someone as amazing as you are," the swarthy detective gushed drunkenly.

"I'm the lucky one and I have a feeling I'm about to get a whole lot luckier as soon as I get off the phone so I'm hanging up now and I'll speak to you tomorrow, when you're sober!" Liv stated as calmly as she could as she watched a now naked Sam stalk towards her. She hit the call end button on her cell, powering the phone off so there would be no further interruptions and tossed the tiny device back onto the table, its existence forgotten as soon as a small, warm body pressed up against her own.

"Wise decision, Olivia," Sam congratulated sensually, "I was about to make that a very uncomfortable telephone call for you." Giving the older woman no opportunity to reply, Sam pressed her lips to her lover's in a fierce, fiery kiss, pouring every ounce of love and hunger into it that she could. Olivia attempted to wrap her arms around the naked woman, to hold her close but her hands were batted away as the willowy blonde slithered down her torso, hooking fingertips into Liv's panties at each hip and dragging them down her legs. The scent of the brunette's arousal drifted to Sam's nostrils as the barrier was removed. Combined with the incendiary heat she could feel emanating from the apex of the quivering thighs now level with her face where she knelt on the carpeted floor at Liv's feet, Sam understood that her show had definitely hit the mark, despite the impromptu interruption. Unable to resist temptation any longer, Sam drove forwards, nudging Liv's legs further apart and teasing her nether-lips open with two fingertips and plunged her tongue deep into the crevice it created.

The detective had to brace herself with one arm locked and extended, hand gripping Sam's shoulder as her knees buckled under her lover's oral onslaught. "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm," she keened, breaths becoming shallower as a skilled tongue drank in her essence and worshipped her swollen flesh.

Sam suckled on the older woman's twitching clit, drawing a ragged, hoarse cry from her chest, her weight settling more fully against Sam's shoulders as the muscles in her legs weakened from the myriad sensations hurtling through her body. Pulling her mouth away just enough to speak, Sam requested, "lock your knees for me babe. I promise I won't let you fall." Placing one hand against a trembling kneecap, the young blonde pressed it back towards the wall, assisting her lover to comply with her request. When both legs were straight and straining, Sam rested her left arm across the standing woman's lower abdomen, pinning her hips to the wall and effectively assisting her to remain upright. Her free hand trailed up Liv's inner thigh, her lips following a similar path up its opposite number before the two met at her apex. Two fingertips teased the brunette's entrance lightly as lips settled back to kissing and caressing the sensitive bundle of nerves hiding like a precious pearl amongst her soaking folds.

"Yes," Liv breathed, her own free hand flattening itself against the wall in an additional effort to help herself remain upright. "Please Sami, inside… I need you… inside me… please." She cried out wordlessly as Sam complied with her desperate plea, plunging two fingers deep into her sopping core. The young woman set a steady pace, pumping her digits rhythmically in and out, in and out, circling her clit with the tip of her tongue, occasionally pressing the muscle flat against the pulsating nub for extra stimulation. As Sam felt her lover become accustomed to the presence of those two fingers inside her, she uncurled another from where it rested against her palm, pressing it to Liv's opening and sliding it inside to join the others without breaking from her rhythm. Liv hissed appreciatively as she felt herself being stretched wider, opened up further and filled more fully. The initial slight discomfort was replaced by heightened arousal as she bore down on the fingers as much as her position would allow her to, her body adjusting and accepting the increased girth of the penetration. Deft fingertips grazed against the sensitive ridged flesh inside her core, spurring her on, driving her closer and closer to the edge of orgasm. Fluttering muscles froze momentarily as she felt a fourth finger insinuate itself inside her opening, her legs sliding further apart in an effort to comfortably accommodate the additional intrusion. Sensing that her lover was hovering on the edge between pleasure and pain, Sam stilled her motion, allowing the older woman's body time to adjust. They had never attempted this level of penetration before but Sam wanted everything that night. If it had been physically possible, she would have crawled bodily inside her lover such was her desire to be connected in every possible way to her lover.

"Are you ok, sweetheart?" Sam asked, hand still stationary while she gauged her girlfriend's reaction.

"Yeah… yes… just give me a second," Liv assured, willing her muscles to loosen up. Sam nodded, dropping tender kisses against the sparse patch of coarse hair covering her lover's mound before turning her head and trailing her lips across still quivering thighs, instinctively soothing the brunette and helping her to relax. After only a short while, Sam felt the vice around her fingers slacken and she returned her lips to their previous point of focus, lavishing extra special attention to the hooded bundle of nerves, still refraining from moving her hand until she was convinced Liv was sufficiently lubricated for it not to chafe. "Please baby…" the brunette whimpered, bearing down onto the fingers resting inside her entrance to indicate what it was she was asking for.

"Are you sure?" Sam asked. "I don't want to hurt you," she explained fretfully, rocking her fingers only very slightly to test her partner's readiness.

"You won't. I promise, you won't. You feel amazing, you… inside me… feels incredible," Liv panted as she matched the gentle rocking motion, working Sam's fingers deeper inside her, their passage aided by the fresh flood of juices which seeped from her core in response to being loved so completely by her girlfriend.

"My God, Liv…" Sam exclaimed, her own centre pulsating and oozing copious amounts of fluid as she watched her hand become steadily more deeply embedded inside her lover. Determining by the woman's mewls that she was growing desperate for release, Sam fastened her lips over the brunette's clit once more, suckling firmly and laving it with broad strokes of her tongue. Liv's knees caved at the additional stimulation, the combination of Sam's arm across her abdomen and her own braced against the kneeling blonde's shoulder the only things keeping her upright.

"Yes…yes…yes…yes…YES!" she chanted, encouraging her partner in her endeavours. She released a primal scream as Sam's fingers curled and brushed against her sensitive internal ridge, muscles clamping down almost painfully tightly, trapping Sam's hand deep inside. Undulations pulsed through her inner walls as the blonde coaxed out the full extent of her orgasm, lips still kissing her pliant flesh and fingers still gently, rhythmically moving inside her, ever more slowly, ever decreasing the range of their motion until Liv went completely limp above her.

_(Copyright of the excerpt of 'The Ugly Duckling' belongs to its author, Hans Christian Anderson.)_


	29. Chapter 29

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**As always, thanks for the reviews, adding this story to your alerts and just plain for reading on... and on... and on! Lol. So, what happened to Liv, out there in the cold and dark? What's going to happen between Alex and Abbie next? Will Elliot stop being a douche? Read on and find out, maybe ;) Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Saturday February 21<strong>__**st**__** 2009**_

_**01.29**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

Alex, Abbie and Elliot, who had joined the women when they picked up Liv's spare key from his house, let themselves into the dark apartment quietly. Each fretted silently about what they might find. Alex was torn between wanting Liv to be there desperately and not wanting to find her lifeless body. An eerie quiet met them, a feeling of emptiness enveloping each of them as they concluded individually that the woman they sought was not home.

"I'm going to do a sweep of the apartment, make sure there are no surprises here," Elliot informed them, increasingly worried for his partner's safety. Despite their recent difficulties, he cared for her a great deal and it would pain him if anything happened to her.

"Is there anywhere else you can think of that she might go? Anywhere that meant a lot to her and Sam? A special place they had?" Abbie asked quietly when she and Alex were alone in the entry hall.

"Not that would be open at this time of night, I don't think," Alex supplied with a frown before a horrified expression settled on her pinched, drawn features. "You don't think she'd try and spend the night with Sam do you? At her memorial I mean. It's where she went last week…on Valentine's Day when she wanted to be close to Sam."

"Seriously? She'd freeze to death, it's like six below zero out there," Abbie baulked, equally distressed by the thought. "Stabler!" the brunette called urgently, heedless of the thin walls and the possibility of waking cranky neighbours.

The detective rushed through the small apartment, fearing a development in his absence. "What is it?"

"We need to go to the memorial park where Samia's plaque is. Now!" Abbie stated spurring her companions into action. It was obvious from the atmosphere in the apartment that Liv had not been there. Staying was pointless and unhelpful in their search for her. Elliot trusted the two women to know Olivia well enough to take Abbie's order seriously. They piled into his car, Alex beside him and Abbie perched on the edge of the backseat, seatbelt straining to its limit as she peered out of the windshield from between the seats.

"How come Liv wasn't at yours tonight, Alex?" Elliot tried hard to keep any edge out of his tone which might come across as accusatory but wasn't sure he'd managed it too effectively when Abbie growled at him protectively.

"Alex and I were out to dinner discussing Sam's case. Olivia assured me she was spending the night with the Camanetti's, neither of us had any reason to doubt her word. Do you always drive like my grandmother, Stabler? It's a wonder you ever catch up to any criminals." Fatigue, frustration and fear combined with her own gnawing guilt made Abbie irritable, stripping her of her usual charm.

"Getting us into an accident won't help anyone, certainly not Liv," Elliot barked, keeping his eyes firmly on the road ahead.

"Both of you, please, stop it," Alex pleaded quietly. Her voice betrayed her devastation at how badly she felt she had let her closest friend down. Abbie's hand drifted to the blonde's slender shoulder, squeezing it supportively and letting it rest there as she murmured a quiet apology, which Elliot didn't think applied solely to their minor spat. For the remainder of their journey, the only chatter was Alex's softly issued directions.

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><p><em><strong>Saturday February 21<strong>__**st**__** 2009**_

_**01.43**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

Olivia wandered into the crib as quietly as she could, not wanting to disturb anyone else already catching a few hours sleep in there. She released a relieved sigh as she found herself alone in the dorm-style room containing two rows of six narrow cots each with their heads resting against the wall. She stepped into the furthest corner of the small room, tucking herself away from her obvious sight, still shivering wildly from her time outdoors. After a night watchman had almost discovered her at Sam's memorial, Liv had fled from the park, wandering through the streets aimlessly with little care for her own wellbeing. The alcohol she had consumed had long since worn off but the crushing despair and disgust at her actions remained with her. She hated herself more than she had ever thought was possible for what she had come so close to doing with Jonathon. She was craving a shower, wanted to scrub her skin until it was red raw even though she knew it would do nothing to rid her of the dirty feeling she carried inside her but there would be no hot water in the precinct washrooms until early morning, around seven a.m. Even in her neglectful state, she realised that taking a freezing cold shower after being exposed to the frigid night air for so long would be foolhardy. Toeing off her shoes, Liv shed her windbreaker, opting to remain in her shirt and pants, and then slid beneath the scratchy grey blankets. As the thin material covered her, she willed her muscles to unfurl the tension locked within them so that she might find blissful escape for a few short hours in sleep. She huddled down, shivering violently, eyes screwed up as though that small, simple action could keep the memories which haunted her at bay. Tears squeezed themselves out from between her tightly closed lids trickling down into the soft hair at her temples.

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><p><em><strong>Saturday February 21<strong>__**st**__** 2009**_

_**02.08**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

"Thanks for calling me back. Which way did Detective Benson head?" Alex asked the uniformed officer manning the front desk as she and her two companions burst through the precinct doors.

"Up to SVU last I saw. I've been here ever since and I've not seen her come back down," the broad shoulder man informed the formidable looking trio. Detective Stabler he knew, ADA Cabot he was less familiar with but still recognised. The third woman, the brunette who wore an expression which suggested she could easily commit murder without blinking, was a mystery to him but her presence along with the others meant that she was allowed to pass without delay. The three marched off to the elevators, its call button receiving brutal treatment when the doors didn't immediately open. Alex threw a hand up in exasperation.

"I'm hitting the stairs, I can't wait for this decrepit old thing to deign to work," she announced, already setting off for the stairwell, Abbie hot on her heels. Elliot looked longingly one last time at the elevator doors, still resolutely closed, before trundling after the two women.

Olivia became aware of a presence, someone with her. Her eyes flickered open, fixing on the visage of a blonde goddess surrounded by a harsh halo of bright white light. "Sami?" she whispered reverently.

"Olivia Benson, you infuriating, stubborn, pig-headed…" the goddess began to berate her before breaking down in tears and hugging her hard.

"Alex?" Confusion reigned as Liv's mind struggled to catch up to full wakefulness.

"I'm sorry… I'm so, so sorry…" Alex sobbed, her face buried into her friend's still covered shoulder, arm resting across her chest preventing her from rising. Over the top of the distraught blonde's head, Olivia sensed further movement.

"What the hell were you thinking, Benson?" Abbie asked hoarsely, her own throat tight with unshed tears of relief at having found the detective alive and seemingly unharmed.

"Abs?" Still the brunette was struggling for comprehension as to what had warranted the scene unfolding before her. Piecing the previous night together from her fractured recollections, realisation dawned. "You two needed space to…"

"You lied to me," Abbie cut in, mindful of Elliot's presence even if his partner hadn't noticed him yet. "Gina phoned and left a message while Alex and I were at dinner."

"Oh," Liv murmured contritely before rage got the better of her. "Well I'm sorry if I prevented you from getting the fuck you both so desperately wanted from each other," she spat bitterly, fire erupting within her as anger ignited – anger which was mostly directed at herself but unleashed on the two women she felt had assisted in driving her down the destructive path she had trodden that night. She pushed Alex off her, flinging the flimsy covers back and hauling her frame from the cot. Only then did she notice Elliot hovering uncomfortably by the entrance to the crib. "Careful Elliot, you're in a room full of raging dykes, you might have your Catholic card revoked if you continue to hang around with such undesirables." The slap stunned her and the other occupants of the room. Olivia refrained from raising a hand to her stinging cheek, refusing to give her assailant the pleasure of a reaction. Instead, she crouched down and began cramming her still icy feet back into her shoes, determined to be alone somewhere – anywhere – with her misery.

"So help me, if I have to hold you down myself, you are not running out on us again," Abbie ground out from between clenched teeth, palm hot from where she had delivered the blow to her obstinate friend. "Do you have any clue how scared we were? What we thought might have happened to you? Damn it, Olivia, get it through your thick skull that we care about _you_." Alex remained quiet, eyes cast downwards towards the scarred linoleum floor, eyes still watery.

"You know Olivia, there are times when you can be a royal pain in everyone's ass. I'm here because your friends cared enough about you to want to make sure you were alright, despite the fact that you lied to them. And, in spite of what you might think of me, I hate that you're hurting, I hate that you lost someone who obviously meant a great deal to you but that doesn't give you the right to hit out at me or Alex or Abbie," Elliot griped, too tired to cut the grieving brunette any slack for her outburst. Turning to the other two women, he stated, "I'll be downstairs at my desk when you want a lift home." The three of them remained stationary, in an uneasy silence, until Elliot had departed.

"I'm sorry…" Alex confessed again, so softly that even in the silence of the room it was difficult to hear.

"No Alex, you're not the one to apologize. You, Olivia, _you_ have some apologizing to do but right now… right now we are going to go downstairs, ask Elliot to drop us off at Alex's apartment and then thank him for his trouble. And then we are all going to get some sleep and God help you Benson if your ass isn't still in that bed when morning comes," Abbie growled threateningly.

"I'm not…" Liv began belligerently before reigning in her fury and turning it on herself. "Just go, both of you, all of you, go enjoy being together. I can't be around… people…" She felt the palpitations begin, her breathing becoming shallow and panicked as the room swam before her and another flashback threatened to take hold.

"Breathe through it, Liv. Come on, you know how to handle this. Slowly in, hold it and then slowly out," Alex coached, guiding the older woman back to the bed, perching on it beside her and soothing a hand in circles between her shoulder blades. Switching her attention momentarily to Abbie, the attorney requested, "could you get Liv some water, please?" Abbie moved instantly, startled by the change in her friend's demeanour. The fight had gone, replaced by violent tremors and a haunted, vacant expression.

Alex continued to coax her friend through the panic attack, well versed in what to do after having had to support her through numerous at the apartment since Sam's death. She brushed long chestnut bangs out of Olivia's face, tucking them behind her ears and guiding her head down to rest against Alex's shoulder. She rocked them from side to side slightly as her arms wound tightly around the detective, holding her close, keeping her safe from her demons.

"I made a mistake tonight… Alex, I made a disgusting mistake…" Liv confessed brokenly.

"It's ok honey, whatever it is, it'll be ok," the attorney assured, hoping in her heart that it wouldn't prove to be an empty promise.

"I went to a bar after work. I honestly was planning on spending some time with Gina and Fausto this evening but then… I was at the hospital earlier with a vic." Abbie slipped back into the room unnoticed, opting to remain in the shadows of the room so she didn't interrupt the cathartic moment. "I never imagined it would be so hard, being back there but all I could think about was the last time I'd been in that place. I left work early and I went to a bar. I needed to forget, I needed for it not to hurt so much just for a little while at least. I felt so lonely, so alone that when a guy offered to buy me a drink, I let him." Alex swallowed convulsively, fearing where the tale would end up. "We spent some time together at the bar and I agreed to go back to his hotel room with him. I knew what he wanted and I thought I wanted it too but when he got on top of me…" Another flashback slammed into Olivia, literally taking the breath from her lungs as she saw Lovell Harris standing in front of her with his pants open, penis growing ever closer to her face as she fought uselessly against her restraints. Liv yanked herself from Alex's embrace, shrinking away from her as though her very touch burned.

"It's ok Liv, it's ok, you're safe, he's not here. No one's going to hurt you. Liv, look at me honey," Alex commanded gently, keeping her distance from the distraught detective so as not to further spook her. "Liv, sweetie, I need you to tell me if he hurt you tonight, this man you met in the bar. Did he force himself on you?" The blonde attorney caught sight of Abbie's stricken face as she listened to her friend's quiet confession, recalling all too well how her own rape had affected her for so many years. The detective cowered in a corner of the bunk, huddled up in a ball, arms over her head in a position which must have pained her still tender surgery scar. "Come on Liv, come back to us, please," Alex begged her close friend quietly, keeping her voice soft and as non-threatening as possible.

"It's not your fault, Liv, honey," Abbie cooed, finally stepping out of the shadows and approaching the tiny cot where the other two women sat as far away from one another as was possible. "No matter what happened, no matter what you might have suggested you wanted at first, if you said no at any point and he didn't stop, he and only he is at fault." Not wanting to crowd the obviously distressed woman, Abbie opted to perch on a nearby cot placing the forgotten mug of water on the ground by her feet.

Liv raised her head, looking at the two women as though seeing them for the first time. "What…?" Then realisation dawned on her as she recalled what she had been telling Alex before the latest flashback tortured her. "No… no he didn't… he… actually he was sweet about it. As soon as I asked him to stop, he did. He even offered to call me a cab to make sure I got home ok but I… I just needed to get out of there. When he was… he was on top of me and all I could see was what happened in Sealview and then Sam's face… she looked so disappointed, so ashamed of what I was doing." Liv flicked a glance at Abbie as she confessed about Sealview, knowing that the Texan only knew scant details about what had happened. "I feel so… so dirty… so sick. How could I do that to her? How could I think that I could get over her… get over this pain by fucking a stranger, a man?"

"It's called grief, Liv. It makes us do crazy things we'd never normally dream of doing. I've been there, I did precisely that during my first few weeks in Witsec," Alex admitted, recalling the times she had drunk her way through the best part of a bottle of vodka and then let herself be taken home by a random stranger in a bar once she had finally plucked up the courage to leave the house she had been stashed in.

"And you have no reason to feel ashamed of wanting the pain to stop. Hell, I'd be more worried if you didn't want it to end. I'm sorry if my actions made it worse for you," Abbie stated, rising from where she had settled and crossing the short divide to where her friend was still scrunched up at the head of the cot, leaning heavily against the wall as fatigue threatened to overcome her. "I should have been more sensitive to your needs, to your feelings. It's no excuse but you know me, I act first, think later."

"Don't Abbie, please don't blame yourself for this. Or you Alex. I don't, honestly I don't. I… I was out of order, I can't… I won't begrudge either of you companionship." Liv's eyelids drooped, the fight having drained out of her and leaving a weary shell in its wake.

"Let's get you home," Alex invited quietly, reaching out for the detective's hand.

"I… I can't… I'm not ready… please don't make me go back there on my own. Please Alex, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry," Liv begged desperately, clutching at Alex's hand, eyes glancing wildly between her two friends. "You won't know I'm there, I promise, I won't get in the way of you and Abbie's night. Please Alex, please let me come back to your apartment. Please don't send me…" Alex wrapped Liv in a tight embrace, effectively silencing her.

"Ssshh, I wouldn't dream of you being anywhere other than my apartment, Liv. That's where I consider your home to be for as long as you want to stay so when I say we're going home, I mean to my apartment," Alex explained as she sought to reassure her closest friend. "It's late, we're all going to go back to mine and then we're going to get some sleep. Come on, let's go and see if Elliot's still awake enough to drive us." Olivia winced as she unfurled herself from her crunched position, her abdominal injury reminding her of its intolerance for such abuse. Alex watched warily, still half poised to catch the older woman should she fall. It had not escaped her attention that the brunette was still thoroughly chilled, a testament to her extended exposure to the frigid night air. The attorney decided that she would insist on Liv drinking something warm before they all retired, regardless of how late it was.

Abbie slid into the back seat first, shuffling across to the other side and then guiding a semi-conscious Olivia in next to her. Alex climbed in beside them, Liv settling her weight against the young blonde as soon as she was settled into the bench seat. Elliot gunned the engine, glancing in his rear view mirror at the tired trio, watching the two attorneys tenderly take care of his partner, glad that she had such good friends to watch over her when she hit the self destruct button. They drove in silence, with the brunette detective drifting in that comfortable place between sleeping and waking, semi-aware of the noises, the scents, the sensations around her but her brain shrouded in a pleasant fog of fatigue. Alex rested her cheek against Liv's crown as the ragged brunette head lolled onto her shoulder, her hand clasping Liv's where they rested against the blonde's firm thigh.. Abbie kept a hold of Olivia's other hand between both of her own, thumb casually caressing the cool, soft skin of the detective's wrist. When they pulled up outside Alex's apartment building, Elliot asked if they needed any help getting Liv up to Alex's but they assured him that between the two of them, they could manage. Thanking him profusely for his time and trouble in helping them find Liv and bring her home, they let him head home to his family and his bed, promising that they would make sure Liv got in to work a little later than usual to allow her to rest sufficiently.

"Have you got her?" Alex asked Abbie as they worked together to balance Liv's almost deadweight between them, her free hand fumbling in her pocket for her key.

"Yeah, yeah, we're good, aren't we, Liv?" Abbie asked, trying to keep Liv at least vaguely awake until they could get her upstairs and into bed. The night doorman suddenly appeared, thrusting the outer door open for the three women.

"Miss Cabot, I'm sorry for the delay, I didn't expect anyone to be out so late." The well-groomed employee stood aside as he held the door open, allowing the three women to shuffle through, Liv almost suspended between the two attorneys such was the crushing level of fatigue which had settled over her in the car.

"It's ok, Otis. I know there's not a lot of traffic at this time of day." Alex offered a kind smile to the caramel-skinned man who always looked out for her so well.

"Let me get the elevator for you," Otis said as he hurried in front of them, pressing the call button. Alex and Abbie were both silently relieved when the doors opened immediately, thanking the doorman before the doors closed once again and the car lurched upwards towards its destination. Olivia leant against the back wall of the elevator, taking some of the pressure off her two friends as they fought valiantly to keep her upright.

"Thank you," she murmured quietly, looking between the two women.

"No need, Liv. It's what friends do," Abbie assured her equally as quietly, glad that the evening had turned out amicably.

"Not far now, then you can lie down and get some sleep, ok, Liv?" Alex stated as she rubbed a hand soothingly up and down the older woman's arm, hand clasped tightly in her grasp. As the car slowed down, Abbie eased her arm around Liv's slender waist once again, supporting her weight and guiding her towards the apartment door.

"Just toss me on the couch, I'll be fine there," Liv instructed wearily.

"Don't be silly, you'll do no such thing. Besides, it's further to the couch than it is to your bedroom and you look like you're about to pass out completely so I think we're definitely better off getting you horizontal on the closest available surface," Alex stated confidently as the door to her apartment opened. She let Abbie lead the way, sliding in behind her two guests and kicking the front door shut behind her. Between them, they managed to negotiate the short distance to Liv's bedroom, depositing the tired detective onto the plush mattress as gently as they could. With nothing behind her to support her weight, Liv flopped backwards onto the bed, eyes fluttering shut as her body craved to give in to her pressing need to sleep.

"Stay with us just a few minutes longer, honey then once we get you tucked up under the blankets, you can sleep all you want to," Abbie advised the now prone woman as she crouched to slip her sneakers off. "Bloody hell Liv, you're feet are like blocks of ice!" the Texan exclaimed as she peeled off the thin black socks Liv was wearing and wrapped her warm hands around the cold appendages one at a time, trying to imbue them with some warmth. Alex returned to the bedside with a pair of track pants and a long sleeved t-shirt as well as some sports socks. Reaching for the socks, Abbie slipped them onto the still frigid feet as Alex began to unbutton Olivia's shirt.

"Sit up for me, Liv, so I can get this off you and put on something more comfortable to sleep in," Alex coaxed, helping her friend into a seated position and sliding first one arm and then the other out of the button down shirt. With a little more gentle instruction and minimal manhandling, the t-shirt was slipped on over the brunette's head, offering her a comforting warmth. Next, both women assisted her out of her work pants and into the track pants before pulling the detective unsteadily to her feet. Abbie reached for the comforter, pulling it down and creating space to lie the almost comatose woman down again. They tucked the covers around her tightly, sealing any gaps they could to keep the heat in, knowing that Liv still had a long way to go before she truly recovered her lost body heat. Both of them sat with her until they were sure she was fully asleep, torn between staying with her and letting her sleep in peace. Deciding on the latter, Abbie went to make her way to the front door.

"Where are you going?" Alex whispered askance.

"To the hotel," Abbie stated as though it should have been obvious.

"Stay, please?" the blonde attorney asked, drawing closer to the Texan and tugging her in the direction of her own bedroom. "I… I don't want you to go. It's late and cold out there and I'd worry whether you got back safely…" Alex babbled until Abbie's arms around her swallowed up any further words. The brunette could feel the tiny tremors pulsing through the younger woman as the events of the night threatened to overwhelm her. Silently acquiescing to the request, Abbie began undressing the woman she had shared such a passionate encounter with so many hours before. She kept her actions intimate but non-sexual, knowing that Alex needed comfort, not seduction after the stressful night. When Alex was stripped down to her underwear, Abbie turned her attention to her own attire, shedding the borrowed clothing quickly. Together, they slipped beneath the plush covers of Alex's bed, neither bothering with sleepwear. Gravitating towards the centre of the bed, Abbie pulled Alex's body in close, cradling her in a soothing embrace designed to convey her support. Despite fighting it, the blonde gave in to her tears, quietly sobbing into Abbie's neck as her worry caught up to her.

"I've got you, you're ok, let it out," Abbie cooed softly, running the fingers of her right hand through Alex's silky blonde hair. She felt her own eyes watering as she too reflected on what might have been, what tragedies might have befallen Liv during the evening while they were enjoying one another's company. She dropped a tender kiss against Alex's head, tracing random patterns with her left hand on the smooth expanse of her back. They drifted off to sleep wrapped in each other's arms, tears drying on their cheeks and minds filled with worries for their mutual friend.


	30. Chapter 30

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**Thank you, as always, for your reviews/feedback/adding this story to your alerts and continuing to read. It's always fun and interesting to me to see people's different takes on the character's behaviour. So this chapter you're getting two for one since it's around twice the length of most other chapters! But I just couldn't bring myself to split it up into two shorter chapters. A little out of season but onward to Christmas with Liv and Sam...**_

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><p><em><strong>Thursday December 25<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**02.08**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

"Liv?" Sam's voice was groggy as she rolled towards where she had just felt the bed dipping.

"Mmm, it's me, sorry baby I didn't mean to wake you." Olivia placed a gentle kiss on her lover's temple as she slid further down under the warm covers. "Go back to sleep," Liv whispered as she moved in close and spooned the blonde beauty from behind, relishing holding her in her arms after the hellish evening the unit had endured.

"Merry Christmas sweetheart," Sam mumbled back, already on her way back to sleep, knowing she could rest properly now that the other half of her soul was where she belonged; lying in bed beside her, arm draped over her waist, legs entwined with Sam's own, body moulded along her length.

Olivia dropped a tender kiss on the smooth, naked shoulder before her, replying, "Merry Christmas darling." Olivia allowed a tear to trickle from her eye as she recalled the face of the terrified six year old girl who had forever had Christmas marred by her violent father, who had finally chosen that Christmas Eve to beat her mother to death. Liv had so wished there was more she could do, something that could make the girl's suffering less and help her to retain the childlike wonder of the season but she knew realistically that there was nothing which could now prevent the young child from learning lessons almost overnight that no child should have to learn. She hoped that the emergency shelter she had been placed in made some kind of effort on Christmas Day and wondered idly if she could engineer a way to swing by there so that at least she might see a familiar face. She hadn't realised how many tears were leaking from her eyes until Sam was suddenly facing her, her face a mask of tender concern.

"Oh baby, do you want to talk about it?" Sam's lips kissed away her lover's tears, her hand gently cradling the older woman's face, a thumb tenderly stroking her cheek. The love shining in the young blonde woman's eyes almost undid Olivia's resolve completely.

"I'll be ok, honey. You need to sleep," Liv choked out around the lump in her throat, feeling guilty for having woken the teacher up at such an hour.

"I'm not going to leave you to struggle alone with whatever has you so upset. Talk to me if you want to, if it will help you or just let me hold you and be here for you until you too can sleep. Either way, I'm not sleeping until you do and you know I can be every bit as stubborn as you when I want to be so don't even think about trying to argue with me." Sam scolded gently, snuggling in closer to the brunette, fitting her body along her length until there was no gap between them at all, their foreheads resting against one another. One hand snaked its way to Olivia's back beneath the covers, rubbing in gentle circling motions designed to soothe the older woman.

"I don't deserve you, you're too good to me," Olivia murmured, fresh tears springing to her eyes as she compared the tenderness she had found with Sam to the brutality Jessica Spencer had suffered in her relationship, a brutality to which her daughter Lydia had borne witness.

"Of course you deserve me, Liv. You are one of the most deserving people I have ever met. You give so much of yourself to others always, how could you not be deserving of your own kind of happiness? What can I do to make you feel better honey? Whatever you need from me, you know I will gladly give it because I am head over heels in love with you and I can't imagine ever wanting to be anywhere other than by your side." Sam drove home her point by seeking out Olivia's quivering lips and softly covering them with her own and delivering a chaste, gentle kiss.

"Why do people kill in the name of love, Sam? How could anyone physically or psychologically hurt someone they profess to love? I'd rather kill myself than see anything happen to you and if I ever did anything to hurt you, I'd eat my gun." Olivia ran her fingers down her lover's spine unconsciously as she spoke causing Sam to shiver slightly beneath her touch, her body automatically arching into Olivia's toned body craving deeper contact.

"People who do that don't know what love is. All they know is control and fear and anger and an overwhelming need for power over others. _This_ is love, what we share is love. It's mutual, it's respectful, it's dignified and it is joyful. And I know that, deliberately or not, you would never intentionally hurt me so no more talk of eating your gun, ok?" Sam was firm as she made her request, knowing that as much as it would kill Olivia to see Sam hurt, it would also prove impossible for Sam herself to go on if anything happened to Liv. It was a fear she lived with every day that the detective was working.

"I had to take a little girl away from her home tonight, to take her away from her parents because her father beat the crap out of her mother and didn't stop until she was dead. What kind of Christmas is she going to have? What kind of Christmas will she ever have again? And what kind of love will she find in her life if she's been taught to think it's ok to beat or be beaten? I wanted to bring her home with me, I wanted to show her what a true family can be, what a loving home can be like. She reminded me so much of myself at that age in so many ways, so wise beyond her years because of her home life and yet so naïve to the wider world and its realities." Olivia buried her head in the crook of Sam's shoulder, suddenly needing to hear the blonde's lifeblood pulsing through her veins to convince herself this was real, that she was indeed there in bed with Olivia and it wasn't still just some childish fantasy she was lost in. Sam was unsure what to say to all that. She knew that Olivia was very fond of children but had never actually spoken to her about starting a family, it had always felt too soon, their relationship too new to be discussing such things. Perhaps this was fate's way of forcing their hand though and pushing them to have that conversation.

"We could look into adopting, if it's something you're really serious about wanting to do? I've no doubt you know better than most how many kids there are out there who could use a loving, stable home."

Olivia's head shot up, looking into her lover's clear eyes, seeing no sign that she was talking in her sleep, only pure commitment to making Liv as happy as she could be. Ever the realist, the brunette shook her head. "I've tried that before, they turned me down as being unsuitable. I don't have the right support network…"

"That was before we were together though right? I mean, that may have been true then but now you have me, I work regular hours, I have a steady job and we have Mom and Papa who would be only too happy to help out with a child. Between us, we have everything that constitutes a great home to offer a child in need," Sam replied, not willing to be defeated just yet.

"Aren't you forgetting that we don't actually have a home to offer anyone? We alternate between your apartment and mine, we haven't formally got a place to call 'ours'," Liv responded gently, grateful to the young woman for considering having a family with her but refusing to get her hopes up.

"Would it be such a terrible thing if we did live together? If we moved in together, either to your place or mine or somewhere completely new? I'm already your official legal next of kin thanks to Alex, I think it's pretty clear I don't intend on going anywhere unless you're beside me so what's stopping us from living together?" Sam pressed, wondering if there was something Olivia wasn't telling her, some reason she was reluctant to entertain the idea of them being in one another's space on a more permanent basis.

"You mean you really want to be disturbed at all hours of the morning when I crawl in from work or get a call out? You think you can really put up with this? With me coming to bed and crying because of a case that gets to me?" Liv's heart pounded at the thought of the young woman wanting to commit herself to their relationship enough to move in together. It was something she had been wanting to raise for a while but had never found the courage or the words to ask.

"I would give all I have if it meant I got to wake up next to you most every morning for the rest of my life and that I could be here when you needed a shoulder to cry on, no matter what time of the day or night it is. I want everything and anything you're willing to share with me, Olivia." Sam spoke earnestly, looking deep into her lover's deep brown eyes and conveying how adamant her sentiment was through her expression.

"Well why don't you move in here with me until the lease runs out and then we'll see about getting a place with more space and think about kids if everything's going well then?" Olivia wanted to be sure that they could function in the same space full time before bringing a child into the equation and knew that any case worker worth their salt would also want to see a history of stability before they would be considered as adoptive parents.

"You got yourself a deal and I've got the best Christmas present I could ever ask for," Sam beamed planting an eager kiss on Olivia's cheek, gleeful that the older woman was willing to take their relationship to another level.

"So did I, the moment you came into my life. You're the best Christmas and birthday gift I could ever hope to have. Sharing a home with you, becoming a family, that will all be icing on the cake but for as long as I have you, there's nothing else I need to make me happier than I've been my entire life. I love you so much Samia, I love you with all my heart, all my soul, all that I am and all I can hope to ever be." Olivia moved her head, capturing the small blonde woman's lips with her own and kissing her deeply, the passion rising between them swiftly. Sam rolled onto her back, pulling Olivia with her and encouraging her to move on top of her, having found the feeling of the detective's toned body covering her own to be an addictive sensation she relished. The blonde teacher's hands roamed freely over Olivia's back beneath the thin tank she had worn to bed, nails scraping lightly against the olive skin, revelling in the feel of the rippling muscles beneath the surface. A strong thigh was pressed against her centre as the brunette encouraged her to open her legs wider eliciting a quiet gasp from the younger woman whose own hands slithered down the smooth back and cupped taut buttocks, pulling Olivia harder against her. Olivia tore her lips away from Sam's mouth, trailing kisses along her jawbone, down the long slender neck which arched into her touch granting her even greater access, nipping along her collarbone and laving the shallow dip where the two sides met at the base of Sam's throat with her hot tongue.

"You make me crazy with how much I want your fingers on me, in me; your lips, your tongue, all of you, I want all of you. I've never felt this way before, not with anyone," Sam panted as she brushed her hands up Olivia's sides, teasingly splaying her fingers across the edges of the brunette's firm breasts before burying both hands in the soft, dark hair and pulling her lover's mouth back up to her own, needing another kiss. Olivia's hands never stilled, throughout the kiss, pushing Sam's tank up her body and exposing her small, beautiful breasts, palming them and feeling a flood of fresh desire course through her as the nipples hardened almost painfully against her hands. Removing one hand, Olivia took her weight off her elbows, placing her free hand flat against the mattress and bracing herself to look down at her lover who was gazing back at her with an expression of wanton lust and desire.

"I want to feel your naked body against mine," Liv murmured, eyes raking over the stunningly attractive woman below her, knowing that she needed to satisfy both their needs before any kind of sleep would be visiting. "This is more than I have ever had with any of my lovers before too, I've never had this kind of feral need but when I look at you, especially when you're looking at me like that, I have to touch you, to taste you, to feel you around me as much as I need oxygen." Olivia rose up to sit back on her heels, peeling her own top off and tossing it aside, heedless of where it might land in the night darkened room. Sam rose from the mattress, unable to resist the sight being uncovered before her. She latched onto one tight nipple, licking, sucking and nipping at the tight bud unable to sate her craving to taste the taller woman's essence. Olivia sucked in a tight breath at the sensation of Sam's hot mouth worshipping her breast in stark contrast to the chill night air. Her own hands found the bottom of Sam's pyjama top and she teased it up, encouraging her lover to break contact long enough to allow the material to pass over her head. It too joined Olivia's somewhere in the darkened room as Liv tossed it off the bed, her concentration focused solely on the woman before her who had returned to lavishing erotic attention on both of her breasts. "Oh God, you feel so good," Liv moaned, cradling the back of Sam's blonde head and tenderly massaging her scalp, her fingers' motions subconsciously matching the swirling pattern the younger woman was creating with her tongue. Olivia's own head was thrown back, face to the ceiling, eyes closed in ecstatic rapture as molten rivulets of arousal streamed from her nipples to her throbbing centre. More, she needed, more; more contact, more friction, more access to her delicious lover. Reluctantly encouraging Sam to pull her head back, Olivia captured the blonde's lips in a heated kiss, pouring every ounce of her desire into the action, before shuffling off the bed and shedding her pants, underwear discarded with them, leaving her naked and more than ready for her lover's touch. Sam sensed the movement and hurried to yank her own remaining clothing off, flinging them in the opposite direction to where Olivia was standing. Olivia dived back beneath the warm blanket, wrapping it around them both as she moved back to her previous position on top of Sam's slender body, groaning in absolute pleasure at the feel of naked skin on skin.

"Oh fuck, please Liv, fuck me," Sam panted, hips bucking upwards as she felt her lover's flesh against her own, gasping as a strong thigh met with her sensitive bundle of nerves. She opened herself up wider, encouraging the older woman to do with her whatever she desired. She felt a hand slide down her torso, lightly tickling sensitive spots en route, heightening her arousal to even dizzier heights.

Olivia managed to manufacture some space between their fused bodies, just enough to slide her hand down to cup her lover's sodden core, lightly fingering the outer lips, hinting at the promise of things to come and teasing the young woman who was thrashing about with abandonment. Liv stifled her own groan as she felt how wet Sam was, the knowledge that it was her who had caused that level of arousal still a powerful aphrodisiac no matter how many times they made love. With deft fingers, she opened her lover's folds and slid a single finger inside, deeply penetrating the prone woman, the moist heat immediately enveloping her, welcoming her intrusion. Sam's hips rose off the mattress of their own accord, a guttural groan emanating from somewhere deep inside the blonde's soul as she felt the woman above her teasing her. Deciding she had had enough of being the pliant party in this exchange, Sam wormed her own hand between their bodies, finding Liv's own flooded core and sinking two fingers inside as far as she could reach. The move surprised Liv, a fresh flood of fluid signalling her enjoyment as she matched her lover adding a second finger to Sam's own centre and thrusting in time with the young teacher, riding the digits expertly stroking her sensitive ridge of flesh that all the men in her life had neglected to stimulate. Their eyes locked, startling blue on chocolate brown, words an unnecessary accessory as love and assurances flowed wordlessly between, each driving the other higher and higher, closer to that peak where bones become liquid and muscles turn to stone. Fingers pumped in and out, thumbs flicked, circled and pressed, hips rocked and rolled, breaths became shallow and quick as muscles clenched and unfurled in an age old dance of love, lust and pleasure. The two women climaxed simultaneously, holding onto each other tightly, each grounding the other as they felt their orgasms exploding, their names mingling in the air as they cried out their release, forever joined.

Olivia collapsed onto the mattress beside her young lover as she regained the use of her limbs, gently removing her fingers from their scorching cocoon and bringing them to Sam's lips, painting her juices across them and leaning in to kiss her, halted only by Sam mirroring her actions. The combined taste of themselves on each other's lips sent a tight bolt of arousal spiralling through them both once again, with each grinning at how they were able to turn one another into horny, hormone ravaged insatiable beasts. After a further lengthy session of kissing and caressing which ended with each riding those digits which had only recently been removed from their cores, the two women fell into an exhausted slumber, wrapped around one another, lips hovering close as they shared a single pillow.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday December 25<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**08.36**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

Olivia slowly became aware of her surroundings, morning creeping into her consciousness, along with the feel of a mouth kissing its way down her slender torso, already well on its way to her southern hemisphere. She felt Sam smile against her skin, obviously alert to the fact that her girlfriend was wakening from her slumbers. She felt rather than heard her mumble 'good morning', the vibrations reverberating through sensitive flesh creating a delicious sensation. Olivia snaked a hand down beneath the covers, searching out the tousled blonde head but was thwarted when she continued on her journey, kissing trembling thighs down to her knees and back up the opposite side to that which she had travelled down. Olivia lay back, helpless against her lover's skilled mouth, which was currently intimately exploring her folds, drinking up the evidence of her arousal and enjoyment with fervour.

"Baby, you're gonna kill me!" Olivia managed to grind out between her tightly clenched teeth as a rigid tongue pushed inside her. Her lover's laughter caused vibrations which centred on her swollen clit, rippling out along the sensitive ridges of flesh and only adding to her ever increasing arousal. Olivia conceded that if she had to die that day, she couldn't think of a more pleasurable way to go than being tongue-fucked to death by her incredible girlfriend. "Ohhhhhh Sami… God that's… I'm gonna… Oh God Sam, fuck…" Intelligent thought became impossible for the brunette as she felt Sam's fingers join the assault on her sex, her tongue replaced by three supple fingers which curled and expertly stroked her inner sensitive spots. Lips closed over her hyper-sensitive bundle of nerves at the apex of her folds as a further finger, liberally coated in Olivia's own juices, played at the puckered entrance to her ass. The detective tensed a little, never having allowed anyone to penetrate her there before but the triple stimulation led her body to relax her tight muscles and allow Sam to press a single finger into her back passage as far as her first knuckle. The blonde simply held her finger still at that point, allowing Liv's body to adjust to the unfamiliar intrusion, testing her lover's level of comfort with this new aspect of their lovemaking before pressing any further. Even as Liv's core tightened and contracted against Sam's fingers, other muscles relaxed allowing Sam to begin a gentle pumping action with her other finger too, pressing one in as the others came out in an alternating rhythm, her lips, tongue and teeth further stimulating the brunette's clit.

Liv convulsively gripped and released the sheet, screwing up fistfuls of it before letting it fall from her grasp only to do the same seconds later. Her breath came in quick, shallow pants, the triple stimulation driving her wild, urging her ever onwards to a mind-blowing orgasm she knew would leave her dazed and boneless for a time. Her hips bucked, at first rhythmically in tandem with Sam's cycle and then randomly as she lost the ability to coordinate in her desperate search for release. Her head slammed back, spine bowed and she arched bodily from the bed as she felt Sam simultaneously plunge a fourth finger into her core, work a second into her ass and press her tongue flat against her clit. The world around her receded as everything within her focused on that one area being so well loved, the tightness within her suddenly snapping and throwing her over the precipice of her orgasm with a hoarse, wordless cry.

Sam cradled her lover to her in a one-armed embrace, the other still buried deep within her core as Liv's muscles rippled with aftershocks and refused to loosen enough to allow the blonde to retrieve her fingers. She placed gentle kisses against the older woman's unresponsive lips, along her jaw and fevered brow which was soaked in a light sheen of sweat following her early morning workout. She watched the ample bosom of her lover heaving, the chocolate brown orbs flickering open after a few long seconds as the detective regained her bearings. Sam grinned impishly, whispering another heartfelt, "Merry Christmas," against luscious lips, winking mischievously to show she had no compunction against her methods for waking the older woman up.

"Holy fuck, Sam, that was…" Liv's words dried up as she felt something rubbing against her leg. She swallowed convulsively as she reached a hand down between their two bodies, seeking out the object. Sam watched her lover's face carefully, hoping that she had not misjudged her girlfriend. A firm hand wrapped around the synthetic shaft protruding from Sam's body, the other end of the double-ended dildo buried tightly inside her own core, earning Olivia a gasp of pleasure as the pressure Liv had put on the toy sent fresh ripples of arousal through her own saturated sex. Nimble fingers followed the path of the rubbery protrusion, expecting to find a harness but instead encountering Sam's own lips which were enveloping half its length. With an animalistic growl, Liv tore herself off Sam's fingers which had still been resting inside her, rolling her lover over onto her back and pinning her down, wanton lust once again dictating her actions. She threw her leg over Sam's hip, straddling the now prone woman and lowered herself onto the synthetic cylinder, driving it inside of her still sensitive core, hissing in a deep breath as she welcomed the new penetration. Sam pulled herself up, forcing Olivia to sit back on her heels, and pulled their bodies in close, their position allowing their clits to brush against one another. Between them, they developed a steady rocking rhythm, sharing heated kisses and grasping at one another's flesh as they drove each other towards another climax. Olivia spasmed split seconds before Samia did, still in a heightened state of arousal from her previous orgasm, her jerky uncoordinated movements triggering Sam's own peak to crest. Liv allowed her head to drop onto the naked shoulder in front of her, pressing a heartfelt kiss to the smooth creamy flesh she found there as tears of joy pricked her eyes. Never had she woken on Christmas feeling so loved, so cherished, so fulfilled and at that moment, so damn exhausted! She couldn't believe she had to find some energy from somewhere to have dinner with Sam's family and just hoped that for once New York's perverts were enjoying the Christmas festivities and she wouldn't be required to investigate any cases. She had a distinct feeling her brain had leaked out of her during one of those orgasms.

Sam felt hot wet tears on her shoulder and stroked her lover's back soothingly, instinctively worried that it had been too much for the brunette. "Hey sweetie, are you ok?" Her words were whispered, her voice conveying her concern but, she hoped, masking her fear that she had hurt the woman who owned her heart, or worse, destroyed the trust they shared by introducing the toy without discussing it first.

"Am I ok? Darling, I can't believe you need to ask me that after giving me the most incredible orgasms of my life! These tears are just me being silly and sentimental. Christmas has never really been a time of joy for me before but this year, I feel so happy I might literally burst." Liv didn't lift her head, she didn't have the energy for that, so she settled for turning her face towards Sam's neck, lips teasing the soft skin as she spoke. "For the first time, I get the joy of Christmas, I understand what's special about it and that's all down to you. I have the most amazing, giving, sexy… God so sexy… girlfriend anyone could ask for and I get to wake up with you in my arms every day. How the devil could I not be the happiest woman alive?" Liv gave a watery smile, wrapping her arms around the woman cradling her tightly, the movement causing the dildo still buried within them both to brush against oversensitive skin. Reluctantly, Olivia withdrew from the embrace so she could un-impale herself, knowing she would be feeling the effects of their lovemaking for some time and relishing the physical reminder of the mind-blowing sex she had woken up to. Sam assisted with the removal of the toy, pulling it out of herself and putting it aside for cleaning later before she pulled her lover back into her arms and pulling the blankets up around them to fend off the chill rapidly cooling their sweat-slicked skin, wanting to just lie in one another's arms for a while before they had to get up and get ready to face the day.

"What time is it?" Sam asked drowsily, stifling a yawn as Liv snuggled against her, head resting in the crook of her shoulder, curled into Sam's side, one hand playing with strands of her blonde hair lazily.

Liv squinted at the clock on the far side of the room, " eight forty-ish. What time are we expected at your parents'?" The brunette allowed her eyes to drift shut.

"At eleven. We could squeeze in another hour's sleep if you want to?" She felt the shaggy brown head beside her nod in approval and reached one arm out to set the alarm to wake them in another hour before joining the already dozing detective in a contented nap.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday December 25<strong>__**th**__** 2008**_

_**11.23**_

_**Fausto's restaurant, East 4**__**th**__** Street**_

"So glad you could join us, young lady," Gina scolded her daughter as she rushed through the door to the family section of the restaurant the Camanetti's owned and ran, her lover trailing behind her looking weary and sheepish.

"Merry Christmas Mamma, I am so sorry, we overslept…" Sam began to explain before Olivia jumped in.

"It's my fault Gina, I only got in from work after two this morning. Sam woke up when I got in and I needed to talk for a while before I could sleep." Both women blushed slightly, remembering what their talking had led to, "consequently, neither of us were very ready to wake up this morning. I apologise and I hope that nothing is spoiled because of my tardiness." Olivia awaited the backlash, feeling her lover holding her breath beside her, but it never came.

"Olivia, you work so hard to keep our streets safe, I worry you work too hard. Sit down sweet girl and rest, dinner is coming along nicely and will be served in an hour. First, let me get you a drink of something – what can I bring you? Champagne? Wine?" Gina fussed over the detective, throwing a look at her daughter which said she would deal with her later. Sam just smiled and shook her head, marvelling at her mother's ability to switch into nurturing mode in an instant.

"I'll have to stick to soft drinks I'm afraid, I'm on call so I'll apologise in advance in case I get called away. A fruit juice or soda would be great though, thank you." Olivia sank gratefully into the armchair by the fire she had been directed to by Gina. Sam followed, standing beside her and running her fingers through Olivia's silky hair tenderly, smiling down at her with an expression of adoration. She knew Liv had been nervous about spending Christmas Day with her Sam's family, never having experienced a true family Christmas before and not really knowing what to expect or what would be expected of her.

"And you Samia? What will you drink?" Gina watched her daughter, feeling her heart swell with pride at the pure joy in her eyes.

"What I would really like is a large mug of your amazing freshly ground coffee Mamma so what say I come and give you a hand in the kitchen to make it? You sure you want juice, Liv or would you like some coffee too?" Sam continuously played with her lover's hair as she spoke, combing her fingers through the freshly washed locks, fingertips lightly grazing against her scalp in a motion that was threatening to send Olivia straight back to sleep.

"Mmm, coffee sounds heavenly," Liv murmured, her voice dreamy and content.

Leaning down, Sam placed a tender kiss on Olivia's crown, squeezing her shoulder slightly in an affectionate gesture, "I'll bring it through in a few minutes, you just sit there and relax, ok sweetheart?"

"Let me know if there's anything I can do to help," Liv offered, knowing it was highly unlikely she would be allowed to lift a finger.

"Nonsense, you're our guest, you just relax and keep warm by the fire," Gina instructed patting Olivia's knee gently before turning towards the kitchen.

Sam followed her mother into the kitchen, greeting her father with a tight hug and wishing him, "Merry Christmas, Papa," with a kiss on his stubbly cheek.

"Olivia looks exhausted, the poor child, what are you doing to her, Samia?" Gina winked at her daughter to show she was jesting, suspecting from her daughter's glowing skin what the pair had spent much of their Christmas morning doing.

"She's been working so hard recently, I really hope that today the world is peaceful, or at least this little slice of it, so she can relax and take a break. If I could have just one wish granted this Christmas, it's that Liv gets to spend the whole day here with us and doesn't get called out to a crime scene or in to the precinct." Sam sank into her father's embrace, resting her head on his sturdy shoulder as her arms encircled his waist.

"We can all pray for that, my girl. Now, I believe someone mentioned a pot of coffee?" Fausto patted his daughter gently on the butt ushering her in the direction of the aforementioned machine. "Put plenty on, you both look like you could use the caffeine to stay awake through your dinner," the older man teased affectionately.

"Stop cluttering up my kitchen, old man, go keep our guest entertained," Gina shooed her husband from the room before Sam could fire off a smart mouthed retort. Once they were alone, Gina turned to look at her daughter, taking in the upturned mouth, the relaxed posture, the sparkle held within her clear blue eyes. There had been other relationships, other trysts and liaisons, but never had Gina seen her daughter so contented, so settled, before. It was a look which suited her and she decided to tell her so, to let Samia know once and for all how happy Gina was for her. "I like this version of my Samia, you are happier than I've ever known you."

"I am Mamma, I truly am. Olivia is everything I could wish for and everything I didn't even know I wanted until I met her. I can't ever imagine not wanting to be with her. We talked when she got home this morning, we're moving in together. I'm moving in with Liv for the remainder of her lease and if all works out, when that's up in six months, we're going to look at finding a bigger place… and maybe looking into adopting a child." Sam spoke with quiet excitement, not wanting Liv to overhear in case she was uncomfortable with it becoming wider knowledge so soon after they had discussed it, but needing to share the news with her mom.

"Oh baby girl, that is the most fantastic news. I can see you will make excellent parents, I have always known you would, look at your work, but Olivia has a kindness and a protectiveness in her, any child you take into your home will be lucky. And you know you can count on our support, practical and moral, should you need it." Gina hugged her daughter, feeling the excitement buzzing throughout the slender young woman's body. "My little girl's all grown up," she murmured with a slightly sad expression.

"But she'll always need her mamma," Samia reassured the older woman, kissing her cheek softly and resting her head against her broad shoulder. "I love you Mom, you've always been there for me."

"Of course I have, that's what being a parent is all about. Something I hope you will experience for yourself someday before too much longer." Gina returned her daughter's embrace, squeezing her one last time before beginning to busy herself with preparations for their dinner, issuing instructions to her only child who was happily working alongside her.

"…and then Gina walked out of the kitchen brandishing a meat cleaver. The little punk took one look at that and then back at his own tiny knife, I don't think I ever saw anything on two legs move so fast! He took off out of the door like his underpants had been lit up." Fausto finished regaling Olivia with a tale about an attempted robbery they had suffered soon after setting up the restaurant as his daughter waltzed in bearing two steaming mugs of coffee, one black for Olivia, one with cream and sugar for her father. Sam watched her lover laughing with the older man, seeing her at ease and enjoying his company, a broad smile lighting up her beautiful face. Her tiredness seemed to have receded somewhat, there were still telltale creases and smudges around her soulful eyes but her flagging spirits had definitely brightened.

"Papa, I've been sent to bribe you into helping Mamma lift the beast out of the oven." Samia wafted the brew she had prepared for her father beneath his nose, holding it out of reach until he rose from his chair on the opposite side of the fire to Olivia.

"Your Mamma knows she doesn't need to bribe me, but I will gratefully accept your offering and go rescue a damsel in distress," Fausto kissed the end of Sam's nose as he took the coffee and headed into the kitchen, leaving the lovers alone. Sam brought Liv's coffee to her, placing it on the side table next to her chair and sliding herself onto the brunette's lap, wrapping her arms around her broad neck and leaning in to kiss her.

"You surviving my father's tales?" Sam asked softly, looking deeply into the older woman's eyes, reaching down into her soul for the truth.

"I love your family, sweetheart. Your mom and dad are both such kind and wonderful people, I can see so much of them in you." Liv wrapped her arms around the slender waist of her lover, clasping one wrist with her opposing hand and resting them against Sam's hip, gazing up at the face she adored waking to each morning. "How can I not adore them when I have the most loving, beautiful and amazing partner thanks to them?"

"You are so sweet," Sam stated in awe, feeling herself falling ever deeper for the woman on whose knee she was perched.

"If you two can tear your attention away from each other for long enough, dinner can take care of itself for a while so I think it's high time we opened gifts." Fausto and Gina re-entered the lounge, arms laden with bags of brightly coloured presents of all shapes and sizes. Sam jumped up from her place on Olivia's knee and dashed into the hallway to retrieve the bag of gifts she and Olivia had brought with them, including their gifts to each other since time had been at a premium once they finally crawled out of bed. Gina placed a bag beside Olivia's chair, "those are yours dear." The older woman smiled at the look of surprise Olivia could not mask.

"Thank you, that's…" Olivia's words, which Gina suspected would be admonishing, were dismissed with a flick of the mother's hand and a look which dared Olivia to defy her by continuing to protest. "…unexpected and very generous of you," the brunette opted to say, diplomatically, earning herself a fresh smile of approval from the hearty Italian-American woman.

"Samia, darling, these ones are yours," Fausto handed his daughter a similarly sized bag to that which had been placed beside Olivia before taking his wife's hand and seating her on the sofa beside him and exchanging their own bags with one another.

"Thank you Papa, Mamma. Let's see what we've got in here." Sam rooted in the bulging bag she carried, dishing out the gifts she and Olivia had picked out for her parents, noticing a few extra ones the detective had slipped in which she must have bought by herself. She cast a glance in the brunette's direction, eyebrow raised but Liv just smiled tenderly and slightly shrugged her shoulders. Sam pulled the remaining presents from the bag, splitting them into piles for herself and Olivia before folding the bag away and settling herself onto the floor beside Olivia's arm chair, wanting to be close to her lover.

Olivia discovered that it was family tradition in the Camanetti household to each open one present in turn so that everyone could share in the joy of discovering what the colourful packages contained. Being the youngest member of the family, it was unanimously decided that Sam should begin proceedings. She reached into the bag from her parents, selecting a parcel at random; a shallow oblong-shaped object. Sam delicately teased the paper away, squealing as she saw her parents had bought her a copy of the movie version of 'Hairspray'. She hugged the slim box to her chest, beaming grins at Gina and Fausto who looked delighted that she did not seem to already have the movie in her collection.

Liv felt all eyes shift to her and an unexpected wave of nervousness overcame her as she too reached into the gift bag Gina had set down beside her. She pulled out the first package her fingers came in contact with, a long slim box which the brunette suspected would contain an item of jewellery judging by its dimensions. With somewhat shaky fingers, she fumbled to open the wrapping. Sam sensed the older woman's unease and casually slid her hand beneath the pant leg nearest to her, tenderly caressing the firm calf beneath it in a supportive gesture. The feel of her lover's palm against her skin soothed the detective and she managed to coordinate her fingers long enough to prise the gift from its paper. She popped open the velvet box, immediately falling in love with the simple, delicate gold chain it contained. Nestling in the box, the chain was attached to a tiny medallion in the shape of a police badge bearing an image of St Michael, the patron saint of police officers.

"He will help to make sure you always come home safely to our daughter, to us all," Gina explained softly.

"It's beautiful, thank you. I'll wear it, always." Olivia felt tears spring to her eyes at the thoughtfulness which had gone into the gift. She fingered the tiny badge and lifted the necklace from its resting place. "Sam, would you please help me to put it on? Hopefully, St Michael can start today by keeping me from being called out." Fausto and Gina watched on as their daughter took the gold chain and fitted it around her partner's olive-toned neck. As she completed her task, Sam cupped Liv's cheek tenderly, brushing a thumb across the exquisite bone structure and silently holding her gaze, checking the older woman was alright. Olivia nodded almost imperceptibly, smiling softly at her lover who returned to her seat on the floor, turning her attention to her mother and instructing her she was next to open a gift. Gina opted for a present from the girls as her first gift to open and withdrew an envelope from her own pile of offerings. Inside, she discovered a season ticket to a local theatre company whose plays she frequented whenever she could afford to, sharing her daughter's love of performing arts. She alternated between thanking the lovers profusely and scolding them for spending too much on her.

Fausto did as he was bade next and grabbed the parcel nearest to him, a tall cylindrical box containing something that weighed a fair amount. He teased the top open and peered inside, seeing the bottle cap and retrieving a litre bottle of his favourite malt whiskey, a real treat which he adored but drank sparingly due to it having to be specially imported from Scotland. Like his wife, he thanked his daughter and Olivia and grumbled at them for going to so much trouble and expense on his behalf.

And so the morning continued, with presents being opened and a variety of books, music, chocolates and all manner of confectionary being exchanged. Olivia had purchased Sam a smart leather attaché case, embossed with her initials in gold leaf, to carry her marking and lesson planners to and from work each day and a CD by a new independent singer/songwriter, whose music she had been introduced to via a web series with which she had become enthralled, as well as the first season of the web series on DVD. Sam had hugged her so tightly when she had opened that particular present that Olivia had worried for a moment something might break. The deep, lengthy kiss the young blonde gave her signalled that it had been a popular choice of gift. Sam, in return, had bought Olivia a new watch to replace her trusted friend which was finally on its last legs having been crashed against a wall once too often in pursuit of a suspect, a new i-pod for when the brunette went running and a comical mug for her to use at work after Liv had griped that she was sick of trying to find a cup for her coffee that didn't look like some science experiment was taking place in it. Gina and Fausto excused themselves when each of the two young women just had one remaining gift to open, directing them to continue as the meal would be served shortly.

"How about these we open together, at the same time?" Sam suggested, picking up the heavy box-shaped final gift from her lover. Olivia smiled and collected her own final present, a malleable, bulky item which flexed and bent in her hands, the paper rustling. They each turned their attention to the parcels in their hands, taking less care than had been taken at the top of the present opening session in their haste to find out what the pièce-de-résistance was. Olivia gasped as her fingers made contact with the soft, pliable suede contained within her wrapping paper. She held the garment aloft, letting it fall into its natural shape as she gripped the shoulders of her new black jacket.

"Sam, this is too much… it's amazing, it's so soft." Olivia was almost speechless. She practically lived in her black leather jacket and her tan suede jacket, tending to alternate between the two to the point where she was reluctant to get either of them cleaned.

"Well I know how fond you are of your other suede jacket so I thought this might make it easier to get that cleaned once in a while." Sam grinned impishly, her own gift forgotten for the moment as she stopped to study her lover's reaction. "And nothing could ever be too much for you, sweetheart." They shared a loving stare for long moments before Olivia gently nudged Sam with her leg and nodded to the forgotten, half opened gift in her hands. Looking back down at the plain cardboard box she had uncovered, Sam gently opened one end and reached in feeling smooth, silky wood at her fingertips. She slid an ornate wooden jewellery box out of the cardboard packaging, a gasp slipping from her lips as she took in the detailed parquetry overlay that decorated the lid; an NYPD badge bearing Olivia's officer number resting against a large, ripe looking apple which was adorned with a mortar board, representing the teacher's own career. Olivia watched nervously as the young woman at her feet studied the box, gentle fingers running over its smooth surfaces, tracing the patterns of the soft wood. Sam looked up at Olivia with tears in her eyes. "Is this…"

Olivia nodded, "I saw how much you loved those when we were watching that show a few months ago so I did some research online and found the place that was featured. I emailed them to get a quote for shipping a box over here and was having a hard time choosing which one I thought you'd like best so I had this one custom made. It's travelled all the way from Brienz, Switzerland."

"Oh my God, Olivia… I don't know what to say… No one has ever gone to so much trouble for me…" Sam had tears rolling down her face as she took in how much Olivia had invested in this particular gift and why the older woman had insisted that she leave it until last to open.

"Open it," Olivia gently instructed, heart racing as she hoped what was inside wouldn't prove to be too much.

The box played a gentle, sweet lullaby as the younger woman opened the lid adding to her delight but her breath was stolen as she caught sight of the most beautiful ring she had ever seen nestled amongst the folds designed for that purpose.

Gina stepped back into the lounge, about to announce that she was ready to serve their meal but stopped short, leaning back into the kitchen and softly calling for her husband to join her. The pair watched in rapt awe as Olivia reached into the small musical box and retrieved the white gold band encrusted with two tiny diamonds flanking a rich, blue sapphire. The brunette held the ring between shaking fingers and took hold of their daughter's hand.

"Samia, I know we can't legally marry but I wanted to give you a symbol of my commitment to you and to our relationship. So you can call this an eternity ring, you can call it an engagement ring, call it whatever you would like to, but will you please do me the greatest honour and consent to sharing your life with me for as long as you can stand to have me around?" Liv looked deep into watery blue eyes, her own expression searching and nervous.

"Yes," Sam whispered, "yes, I will, I will. Oh Liv, I will love you forever and a day and would marry you if I could to prove to the world that there is no greater love than that which I feel for you." Sam watched as the ring slid smoothly onto the appropriate finger, fitting her perfectly. As soon as Olivia had pushed the ring into position, Sam launched herself into the older woman's lap, wrapping her arms around her neck and hugging her for all she was worth. She whispered, "I love you," over and over in the brunette's ear as she sobbed into her neck, her joy overwhelming and absolute.

Fausto wrapped his arm around his wife's ample waist and hugged her to him, seeing her silent tears coursing over her plump cheeks. He placed a tender kiss at her temple as he caught Olivia's eye and gave her a proud and approving smile.


	31. Chapter 31

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**A later than normal update (blame an interminably long and aggravating work day!) but better late than never :) As always, thanks for the reviews etc on the last chapter, I'll admit I did enjoy writing that one a lot. Anyway, onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday February 21<strong>__**st**__** 2009**_

_**08.03**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Abbie rolled over in the bed reaching for her companion, frowning when she found Alex to be absent, the sheets cool enough to suggest that the withdrawal had not been a recent one. Hauling herself into a seated position, wrapping the blanket around her semi-naked body, the weary Texan rubbed the sleep from her eyes with her fists, yawning widely. She glanced over at the clock on the table beside Alex's side of the bed, stretching languidly before climbing out of the warm, comfortable bed and grabbing the clothes she had borrowed the night before. Pulling the t-shirt over her head and slipping her legs into the slightly too short jeans, she padded barefoot through Alex's apartment to try and find her friends. Unsurprisingly, she discovered their location at her first attempt. Hovering in the doorway, she simply watched them for a few moments; Alex spooning Olivia from behind, curled up beneath the blankets in the middle of Liv's temporary bed, their hands intertwined and tucked beneath the brunette's chin. Both women were still sound asleep, the previous night's events having worn them out. It made for a bittersweet visage, each of them carrying a pain which belied their peaceful facade; Liv with the loss of her partner and Alex with her unrequited love for the brooding brunette. Leaving them to rest, Abbie wandered through the quiet apartment and into the kitchen, setting the coffee maker going and slumping into one of the stools at the breakfast bar. Propping her elbows on the dark marble surface, the Texan let her head drop into her hands, eyes drifting closed once more as she struggled to wake up.

"Hey," a quiet voice called to her from the doorway. Spinning on her seat, Abbie spied Olivia hovering meekly.

"Hi, how are you feeling?" the attorney asked, keeping her voice down in the hopes that if Alex was still sleeping, they wouldn't wake her. The blonde had been restless, tossing and turning and breaking into sporadic fits of tears until sometime after five a.m.

"Like a prize jerk," Liv admitted, stepping closer and sinking into a vacant stool. "Abs…"

"Don't…" Abbie interrupted with a shake of her head. "Don't apologise for grieving. I'm sorry you felt driven out of here, that you felt you had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. I shouldn't have put you in that position." There were a few moments of awkward silence between them, only the gurgling coffee pot adding to the ambient noise of the apartment.

"So did you and Alex have a nice meal?" Liv asked, trying to show she had no problem with her two friends hooking up if that was what they wanted. Her own sleep had been haunted by visions of Sam berating her for being foolish, for wishing to screw away the memory of them with some random guy she picked up in a bar. Whilst she had spent the remaining hours of the night asleep, she had woken feeling anything but rested. The fact that she awoke to the feel of Alex's arms wrapped tightly around her, their bodies spooned together, had surprised her. Even though there had been quite a few other occasions when she had found Alex still in her bed come morning, Olivia had expected her to have spent the remainder of her night in Abbie's arms instead.

"It was… yeah, it was really nice to get to know her better. She's a lovely lady and obviously cares a great deal about you," Abbie advised with a gentle smile.

"I care a lot about her too. She's been my rock, she's been incredible ever since… I don't know what I did to deserve her but I appreciate her friendship more than I can say." Liv wiped at a stray tear, her emotions still raw from the previous night. "I'm going to go and take a shower before I head to the precinct. I owe Elliot a thank you as well. Will you stay and keep 'Lex company for a while? For me, please?" Despite the nagging pain in her chest as she pushed her two friends into each other's orbit, knowing of their mutual attraction, Liv felt that the very least they deserved was a small sliver of companionship. If they could find that with one another, who was she to stand in their way?

"Sure, at least until she wakes up and tells me to get the Hell out of her apartment," Abbie replied with a soft laugh. "Want a coffee waiting when you get out of the shower?"

"Yeah, that'd be good, thanks. Black, no sugar this morning, I need the kick to wake my brain up." Liv turned to head out of the kitchen but was halted by Abbie's soft plea.

"Just take it steady at work today Liv, please? If it starts to affect you like it did yesterday, will you talk to someone about it? I don't care who it is, whether it's Alex, Captain Cragen, Elliot, me, whoever but please don't try to hide from it like that again. Please?" Olivia nodded, her eyes downcast. "Why not give your therapist a call, Liv? It's not a sign of weakness to need help, especially not after what you've been through in the last few weeks."

"I will, her and Michael, set up a few more sessions. Thanks Abbie… for caring." With one last brief, sad smile, Liv turned and sloped off to the guest bathroom, head bowed and shoulders hunched.

Abbie fixed her own coffee, and one for Liv as per her instructions, before she strolled back through the apartment towards the bedrooms. She popped her head around the door of Liv's temporary room to gaze at Alex, still curled up asleep in the middle of the bed, Liv's pillow hugged tightly to her chest. After assuring herself that the blonde was still sound asleep and not in need of coffee, she pushed herself off the doorjamb and spun back towards the lounge before she gave in to the desire to touch her and risked waking her. Sleep was more important for the blonde attorney after her stressful night than company for herself. She plopped down onto the luxurious leather couch, placing her steaming mug on the glass coffee table before grabbing a fairly recent law journal from the shelf beneath the tabletop and stretching out with her feet up, legs draped across the length of the sofa. Sliding sideways, Abbie let her head fall against the tall cushion at the back of the sofa and opened the journal to an article which she hoped would capture her attention.

Olivia stepped from the bathroom, dressed and ready for work. The apartment was quiet as she moved on stealthy feet through to the lounge, leaving the brunette hopeful that Alex was still lost to a world of dreams. Entering the lounge, she spied Abbie stretched out on the couch, a law journal resting where it fallen against her minimally furnished chest, head lolling against the plush leather cushion, eyes closed and mouth slightly open. Her breaths came in short, deep bursts of almost-snores, indicating she too had succumbed to the need for more rest. Liv approached the slumbering lawyer quietly, deftly plucking the journal from slack fingers and sliding it onto the coffee table. Crouching beside the sofa, Liv brushed gentle fingers down Abbie's cheek. The Texan started awake, sitting up with an adorably confused expression on her face.

"Go back to bed, Abs," Liv requested, placing a chaste kiss against her friend's brow before pushing herself back to her feet. "I'm off to work, I'll talk to you later if you're not still here when I get back."

"You sure you're ok to go in?" Abbie questioned tiredly, already dragging herself to her feet in order to comply with the older woman's plea.

"Yeah, I… I need to do something productive. Besides, there's more detail to wade through on this case we caught than I trust to leave to the boys' brains!" Liv quipped, some of her sparkle peeking through. With a smile and a brief, tight hug, Abbie pointed Liv in the direction of the kitchen where her coffee awaited her in a travel mug, ready to go. Her own coffee the attorney carried through to Alex's bedroom, placing it on the bedside cabinet before ditching the jeans and clambering back under the blankets in just the t-shirt and her panties.

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><p><em><strong>Saturday February 21<strong>__**st**__** 2009**_

_**09.17**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

Olivia strolled into the bullpen, trying to appear nonchalant, even as her heart hammered in her chest. Her eyes flickered to her partner's desk, his form hunched over a pile of papers strewn about his desk. She placed the brown paper bag in a clear space in front of him, waiting while he looked up from whatever had captured his attention.

"What's this?" he asked redundantly as he looked inside, answering his own question. Pulling out a breakfast bagel, Elliot smiled with genuine gratitude.

"Call it a peace offering… and a thank you, for last night… this morning," Liv stammered uncharacteristically.

Elliot stood, stepping close to his partner and wrapping her in a warm, firm embrace. "You didn't need to. I love you, Liv, you know that. No matter what, don't ever doubt that I love you. You're like the sister I never had and whilst we might not always agree on things, it won't ever change how I feel about you." Liv's throat constricted and her eyes prickled at his heartfelt words. Unable to verbally respond, she simply nodded before spinning away from him and seating herself at her own desk, pulling half of the pile of information he was wading through towards her and beginning the painstaking task of comparing telephone numbers, trying to spot patterns or higher frequency numbers.

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><p><em><strong>Saturday February 21<strong>__**st**__** 2009**_

_**09.54**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

When she next awoke, Abbie felt a warm body pressed up against her own. Allowing her eyes to flicker open briefly, the brunette spied a sleeping Alex beside her, arm draped over her hip, holding their bodies close together as they lay face to face. With a gentle smile, she pulled Alex closer still, regretting her action when the blonde stirred and opened sleepy blue eyes.

"Morning," she murmured, burrowing her head deeper into Abbie's lean neck. "Thank you for still being here."

"You're welcome. I kinda promised Liv I'd stay but honestly, I didn't want to leave until I'd made sure you were ok." Abbie stroked a hand though her companion's flaxen locks. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I think so," Alex assured, her lips brushing against the smooth column of Abbie's neck. "How was Liv this morning?"

"She seemed better, a little brighter. I asked her to speak to one of us – any of us – if she felt it was getting too much again. I don't know if it'll happen but at least she realises how much we care about her," Abbie informed the younger woman, trying to ignore the thrills Alex's breath on her neck sent through her body.

"That's good. There are going to be days that trip us all up along the way, I'm sure, before Liv can truly say she's coping with Sam's death. It's just going to be a case of rolling with the punches in the meantime." Alex hummed softly as Abbie's hands roamed over her back, soothing tight muscles and filling her with a sense of comfort. "This is nice," she admitted shyly, never having been one for cuddling in bed with a casual fuck before.

"Yeah, it is," Abbie agreed, her own tone one of surprise and wonder. The brunette felt a certain unexpected fondness for her bedmate which threatened to steer her into murky waters if she did not keep her wits about her. "I was being honest last night when I said I don't normally stick around for morning's after."

"I know. I don't either," Alex confirmed, before adding, "I'm glad you're here now though." She raised her head from where it had been resting, pressing her lips to Abbie's mouth, tongue flicking against the brunette's own lips until she acquiesced to the silent request for entry. The kiss quickly heated up, tongues massaging each other, exploring every corner of the other's mouth, only drawing apart when breathing became a necessity.

"Not that I'm complaining but, what prompted that?" Abbie asked, allowing herself to be rolled over onto her back. Alex hovered over her, blonde hair framing her face in a golden halo. Even devoid of makeup and somewhat sleep deprived, there was no doubting that Alex Cabot was a stunningly beautiful woman. Abbie, though knowing she herself was no ogre to look at, felt plain and ordinary beside the younger attorney.

"Call it a thank you, call it a good morning, call it whatever you want but I just felt like it. Am I overstepping the mark? Would you rather we didn't continue?" Alex asked, pulling back a little as she feared she was breaking some unwritten rule regarding their exchange.

Abbie wrapped both arms around her companion to prevent any further retreat, hastening to assure her, "no, no not at all. I'm very glad you felt like it, your lips, your breath on my neck… I was having a hard time keeping myself from pinning you down and ravishing you all over again!"

"What's to stop you?" Alex purred sensually, looking down on her prey with a hooded gaze, deliberately rocking her hips against the prone brunette's and revelling in the gasp it drew.

"I was trying to be respectful and not assume that you'd want a repeat performance," Abbie drawled, running her hands up the lean, toned arms propping Alex up above her. Her actions produced gooseflesh on the exposed skin and caused a shudder to run through the blonde attorney.

"And they say chivalry is dead! Obviously, they haven't met you, Ms Carmichael," Alex swooned with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. Lowering herself onto the body below her, the attorney allowed her lips to travel along the sculpted column of the Texan's neck, watching the muscles cord beneath the skin.

"God Alex, you're too good at this to be a novice!" Abbie cried, her hoarse voice deeper and throatier than usual.

"I just know what I like, what past lover's have done that work for me, is all. I can honestly say that you're the first woman I've got past second base with," Alex admitted, recalling her juvenile fumblings with her college roommate.

"Oh really? Cabot did a little experimenting did she?" Abbie teased, eagerly assisting the younger woman in her attempts to remove the t-shirt Abbie was wearing. She sucked in a deep, sharp breath as lips fastened themselves to her now naked nipple, fingers latching onto the other so that it wouldn't feel neglected. The Texan released a long, low, guttural groan of appreciation, hands burying themselves in the champagne-coloured locks, holding Alex's head against her chest to prolong the contact.

Drawing back enough to speak unimpeded, Alex murmured, "I want to taste you." A fresh flood of arousal and desire seeped from Abbie's already damp core at the quietly spoken request.

"Are you sure? I mean… I… that would be… you don't have to if you don't want to. But if you do… God if you do…" Abbie struggled to voice her thoughts, not wanting the other woman to feel pressured into pleasuring her orally, simply because Abbie herself had done so the previous evening.

"I do want to Abbie. Trust me, nothing on Earth could persuade me to do something if I didn't want to and I certainly wouldn't volunteer to do something I wasn't committed to. I want to make you feel the same way you made me feel last night. I want to do this, for you, to you. I want to be here, in the moment, with _you_ this time – not thinking about anyone else." Alex began to kiss her way down the tautly muscled torso, hooking her fingers into the white cotton briefs Abbie was wearing and peeling them away from her musky, inviting centre. The blonde's acknowledgement of having fantasized about Olivia during their previous encounter and her earnest wish to make amends for that touched Abbie, even though she had assured the younger woman it was ok at the time. Further thoughts were lost as a hot probing tongue dipped into her silky, moist core, tentatively tasting the copious liquids there. Abbie yipped quietly as the licking and suckling increased in fervour, the flavour apparently to Alex's liking. A searching tongue explored her folds, reverently worshipping the tender, sensitive flesh with a studious attention to detail. When Alex reached the hidden bundle of nerves at Abbie's apex, she pointed her tongue, lazily using just the very tip to draw ever decreasing circles around the nub. The brunette's hips bucked wildly at the teasing sensation.

"Alex… please… I need more," Abbie cried, being driven crazy by the heightened state of arousal she was suspended in. The gentle attention was too much for her to slide back from the brink and yet not enough to tip her over it. She felt Alex's arm move and then slender fingertips positioning themselves at her entrance. Momentarily, the luscious mouth parted from her sodden flesh, drawing a whimper of protest.

"Don't fret Counsellor, I fully intend to take good care of you," Alex assured huskily, pushing her two digits forward with steady pressure, stretching Abbie open and stimulating her further, driving her ever onwards towards her climax with a steady pumping rhythm. Just as those highly skilled lips and tongue returned to their previous task, the shrill ringing of Abbie's cellphone joined the chorus of appreciative hums and moans. Alex stilled her fingers, resting her forehead against Abbie's thigh and chuckling ruefully as the brunette let loose a string of expletives.

"Carmichael," the Texan barked into the phone, fully aware of the fact that her voice sounded as though she had been interrupted in the middle of precisely what she had been interrupted doing.

"Abbie, hey… umm sorry to disturb you," the voice on the other end exclaimed, with a throaty laugh.

"Serena, not a good time. Unless you want me to leave you hanging next time we get together, get on with it or get off the line!" Abbie growled, hissing and biting her lower lip as Alex mischievously resumed a slow pumping action with the fingers still buried inside her lover.

"I'd heard you were in New York. I was wondering if you wanted to get together while you were in town but from the sounds of it, your needs are being met quite adequately," Serena Southerlyn, ex-ADA who had succeeded Abbie working with Jack McCoy, teased mercilessly.

"I'll ring you when I'm free to meet for a drink," Abbie replied quickly, attempting to round off the call before the other woman was inadvertent witness to her orgasm.

"You do that and I'll expect full details on just whose head it is between your legs – if she's that good, I might have to look her up myself," the woman on the other end of the line stated, a smirk in her voice. Abbie looked down to where Alex was gazing back at her, one eyebrow quirked and lips pursed in silent amusement. The brunette's eyes rolled back into her head as the fingers inside her curled, pressing against the sensitive ridge of flesh.

"Ser, I've gotta gooooounggghhhh." Abbie's statement degenerated into a throaty moan as Alex grew bored of waiting for her to end the call and fastened her lips back over the swollen sensitive bundle of nerves hidden in the Texan's fleshy lips.

"Sounds to me more like you need to come, Carmichael," Serena advised with a hearty laugh before disconnecting the call. She hadn't needed to hear her occasional fuck buddy in the throes of orgasm. Her libido was already heightened following a particularly long dry spell in the bedroom and now she seriously needed to get laid.

"Evil, Cabot. Pure evil!" Abbie groaned once her senses had recovered sufficiently to form coherent words. "But damn, you're good at that," she added with a slow smile.

Alex favoured her with a casual wink from her position still between the Texan's thighs, fingers still buried deep inside her tight, hot core. "So you wouldn't suggest I need much in the way of practice then?" she asked, entirely too innocently.

"I wouldn't say it's strictly necessary…" Abbie began, sucking in a deep breath as those fingers resumed their intimate, internal massage, "…but far be it from me to discourage you. No amount of practice ever harmed anybody, right?"

Lowering her head once more, Alex murmured, "yeah, that's what I thought."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday February 21<strong>__**st**__** 2009**_

_**11.48**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

Liv picked up the receiver on her partner's desk, answering the incessantly ringing phone since Elliot was currently interviewing Theresa Gabbidon in the Shannon Arkwright case.

"Detective Benson, SVU," she stated by way of greeting the caller.

"Olivia, hi it's Melinda. How are you doing?" the Medical Examiner greeted her friend and colleague warmly, not having had chance to speak to her since the explosion.

"I'm taking each day as it comes. I've got a lot of people helping and supporting me for which I am exceptionally grateful. What's up? We got a body?" Olivia responded, pen poised, ready to jot down any details.

"No… well yes but a live one, or rather two lives ones. The Arkwright girl, Elliot asked me to take a look at the photos of her injuries and when Munch delivered them, he also gave me pictures of Theresa Gabbidon's injuries as well. Shannon Arkwright has bruising and contusions to her genitals which are consistent with forced penetration as opposed to consensual sex. There is also tearing to her anus which suggests she was also sodomised. Theresa Gabbidon's internal exam showed similar levels of trauma; the physical evidence suggesting that she too was penetrated unwillingly vaginally and anally. I looked at the photographs side by side and noticed an interesting pattern of bruises on them both." Liv pulled up the digital copies of the pictures on the view screen as Melinda spoke, so that she would be able to see what the ME was describing.

"I'm looking at the photos now," Olivia advised briefly to save Melinda having to give too graphic a description of what she had found.

"Great. Take a look at the photos of their abdomens. If you line them up, side by side, they both have heavy bruising around the prominence of their hip bones. The type of bruising indicates a crush injury, not typically evident in a sexual assault unless something is held down over the abdomen to prevent the victim from moving." Olivia peered at the pictures in question, wondering what the women had been trapped by whilst being violated. An email arrived with the trace reports from items found at Terri Gabbidon's apartment. Liv clicked out of that to give it her full attention once she had finished with the phone call she was currently on.

"Any identifying patterns to help us narrow down what was used?" the detective asked, trying to discern definite edges or shapes.

"I have a theory based on that and the other bruises to their faces and upper chests but it is just that at the moment," Melinda supplied tentatively.

"It's more than we have to go on right now. All we have at the minute is Theresa and Shannon's physical exams versus Neil Danvers claims that they had consensual, if a little rough, sex," Olivia assured her.

"The physical evidence could be interpreted as being caused by Shannon Arkwright being pinned to the bed by Theresa Gabbidon's body. The additional weight of a third party on top of that could have led to the bruising on both of their hips. If Theresa was surprised by that third party whilst on top of Shannon, she could have sustained the bruising her face and also caused the injuries to Shannon's nose and cheek as she fell forward, propelled by the weight of her attacker from behind. Anal swabs prove the presence of spermicide in both women but it appears that only Theresa Gabbidon was penetrated vaginally using a condom. Whatever was used to penetrate Shannon wasn't protected by a condom. The semen which was found was minimal, possibly leakage from a discarded condom."

"There were no condoms found at the apartment," Liv informed the ME as she re-opened the email from trace and scanned the inventory of what had been collected. "There was a sex toy beside the bed though which had traces of vaginal cells on both ends. DNA confirms a match to both Shannon and Theresa." Liv looked at the implement; one end shaped in a standard phallic mould, the other an egg-shaped bulb which was obviously designed to be inserted into the wearer to enable them to wield the faux-cock without the aid of a harness. "Theresa Gabbidon's wrists were taped together, there was residue on both her outer wrists. The tape used wasn't found at the scene, possibly Danvers took it with him when he left the apartment, but there was a roll of silver packing tape in a cupboard under the sink in the kitchen. If her wrists were held behind her back, that would suggest she was either restrained whilst already on top of Shannon, or that she was put there after being taped up." The more the theory spun in the detective's mind, the more questions it raised for her. "I think I need to talk to Elliot about this. He's got Theresa Gabbidon in for questioning at the moment but I really think we need to be focusing on Danvers. Thanks for this Melinda." The two women disconnected the call. Liv immediately closed down the files she had open on the view screen and made her way to where the captain was overseeing Fin and Elliot's interview.

"Something on your mind, Olivia?" Captain Cragen asked as the brunette approached.

"I've just got off the phone with Dr Warner," Liv began, filling her boss in on everything she had discussed with the ME, unsurprised when he banged on the one-way glass to signal his wish for the detectives inside to step out.


	32. Chapter 32

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one**_

_**Oooh not a lot of love for Abbie out there hey? Lol. Hopefully, this Abbie-free chapter will make up for the previous Abbie/Alex encounter! Abbie's continued presence is all part of my muse's masterplan - we've had words about it and she assures me she knows what she's doing so... In the muse I trust! :)**_

_**Thanks as always for the reviews and to all of you who are taking the time to read. (BTW LiziJ1987, thanks for leaving the 170th review on this story and don't shoot me if the spoiler I gave you for this chapter isn't quite what you were expecting ;) Lol) Without further ado, onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Saturday February 21<strong>__**st**__** 2009**_

_**12.24**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

"Terri, I know it's difficult for you but is there anything you've remembered about that night – flashbacks, fragments of things you think might have happened – which may shed some light on how it went down when you got back to your apartment?" Olivia's voice was warm and inviting, her tone coaxing and sympathetic. Theresa had become so accustomed to Detective Stabler's aggressive assertion that she must have been complicit that she was loathe to trust this switch to 'good cop'.

"I keep telling you people, I don't remember. We got back to my place, got Shannon into bed and then… nothing. Do you have any idea what it's like to lose an entire night of your life? How scary it is to know something happened to you but have no idea what or how or who did it? And the worst of it is that I took Shannon home with me to keep her safe from something like this happening to her. I put her in that position." Terri let her head drop to the table, wincing as her bruised forehead met the scarred wood. "I care about Shannon, I care about her a great deal. I know she'll never return my feelings for her and I would never do anything to force her but thinking that my actions led to her being… It makes me sick. It makes me want to…" Her words trailed off but the look of devastation on her face made it clear what direction her thoughts had taken.

"Have you ever willingly taken any drugs?" Liv asked, trying to focus the woman's mind on those things she did know for sure to prevent her from torturing herself with what might have happened.

"No, never! I take a hard line with anyone caught under the influence of anything not prescribed at work. Taking that crap myself would make me rather hypocritical don't you think? I, just like the rest of my staff, am screened randomly for drugs and alcohol. Working for a charity, we have to be seen to be operating completely above board and I have no desire to become someone's honey pot to feed their habit."

"You're aware that traces of Rohypnol were found in your system, can you think how they might have got there? Did you leave a drink unattended at any point during the evening? Might you have had drinks with Neil Danvers after getting Shannon into bed when you got back to your apartment?" The detective leaned forward, inviting the younger woman to confide in her.

"I… I don't know. I remember staying with the drinks at the table while the others went off dancing. At the end of the day, I'm still their boss. Socialising with me isn't something they're altogether too comfortable with, it's just the wrong side of awkward y'know? It's possible I offered Neil a drink to thank him for his help in getting Shannon home but I doubt he'd have accepted. He's usually quite quiet and tense around me, as though he's never quite sure if what he says is off the record or not." Terri screwed her eyes up, wracking her brain to try and pin down even the most fleeting recollection of the evening's events. Suddenly, an image raced to the forefront of her mind leaving her pale and shaking.

"What is it, Terri? What do you remember?" Liv asked, knowing that the longer the drugs were out of her system, the more likelihood there was of at least snatches of the lost period coming back. It was a matter of patience and waiting for the brain to piece together the jumble of fragments.

"I was on top of Shannon but… there was something inside me… and her… inside us both. I tried to move, to get off her, I knew she wouldn't want that, wouldn't want me, but there were hands holding me down on my upper arms." Terri broke off, rubbing at the area she had mentioned, hugging her arms across her chest. "My hands… I couldn't move my hands… they were behind my back." Closing her eyes against the growing tide of nausea, Terri swallowed thickly. "I can feel him, behind me, pressing into me, making my hips rock, making me push into Shannon. Oh God… I assaulted her, didn't I?" Tears trickled over the mottled bruises covering Terri's cheeks.

"Terri, if you were forced to do what you did, it was not your fault." Liv rested her hand on top of one of Theresa's own, hoping to convey her sincerity before pressing, "what else do you remember?" The levels of Rohypnol were smaller than had been found in Shannon's tox screen so they were hoping that any memory loss would be less severe. Dr Huang had suggested that the trauma of whatever had transpired might be contributing to Terri's inability to recall the events, that her mind may have been blocking her attempts to remember to spare her from further distress. It had been George's suggestion to let Olivia speak to their victim-come-suspect, to see if she could engage with the woman and make her feel safe enough to share her memories.

"He… him… inside me at the same time as that other thing was in me. What was that? What did I rape Shannon with? Oh no… I know… I know what it was… my… he held me down and…" Sobs wracked the young woman's body, her muscles coiled as she began to rock back and forth in the plastic chair. "He made me rape her with my own dildo," she whispered brokenly.

Outside of the interview room, Alex Cabot's cool facade belied her horror at what she was listening to. "As soon as her statement is complete, I'll have your warrant to arrest Neil Danvers on two counts of rape and sodomy and two counts of facilitating a sexual offence with a controlled substance. If we can prove that he remained in that apartment for longer than twelve hours, I'll add kidnapping to the charges before arraignment. Please somebody blow his claim that he was home by six the following morning out of the water."

"You got it, Counsellor," Fin assured as he spun on his heels to try and do just that, sharing her desire to see the rapist behind bars for the longest possible time.

"I'll look up some support groups and counselling options for Theresa and Shannon. I think they're both going to need some help getting through this," Huang volunteered quietly. Despite his experience of the criminal world, the depravity of humans still had the power to disturb him.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday February 21<strong>__**st**__** 2009**_

_**16.35**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Olivia sunk into the couch, still numb from the revelations the day had uncovered. Neil Danvers was spending the night at Rikers and would be arraigned on Monday but the case against him was solid. The more Terri Gabbidon had talked, the more memories had been released and with physical evidence to back up her version of events, it was looking positive that another rapist would be spending many years behind bars. Alex had yet to return home, having phoned Olivia just before the detective had left the station house, apologising but stating that she still had work to do on the case against Danvers before she could call it a night. Liv had been ordered home by the Captain, who whilst oblivious to what had happened the previous evening, sensed that something was up. He had witnessed Elliot being too cautious, too attentive around his partner. That along with ADA Cabot's insistence that she speak to the brunette alone before leaving the precinct had been enough to concern the fatherly superior. In truth, Olivia was glad to be away from the bullpen, away from Elliot's assessing stare. She was still tired from her lack of sleep the night before and as she lay on the couch, she let her eyes drift closed, hoping for a short, dreamless nap.

Alex slipped into the quiet apartment a little after six pm, having finally completed her arraignment motion. She was weary and in need of a hot bath and an early night, hopefully one not interrupted by having to track down her wayward houseguest again. Whilst she understood that Liv was suffering and bore no ill will towards helping her friend, it couldn't eradicate the almost crushing fatigue she was carrying from the frantic night of worrying. She kicked off her shoes and shed her jacket, closing her attaché case in the closet along with the shoes and jacket and then padded through into the lounge in search of the errant detective. The blonde released a gentle sigh, her face softening into a mask of empathy, as she spied the older woman curled up asleep on the couch, hands tucked beneath her chin, a frown creasing her brow and dried tear tracks on her face. Forgetting her own needs instantly, Alex crossed the short space separating them and dropped quietly to her knees beside the sofa. She reached out and lightly caressed a clammy cheek with the backs of her fingers.

"Liv, sweetheart," she whispered. "Come on, honey, wake up." She continued stroking the soft skin of Olivia's cheek as she coaxed her back to consciousness.

"'Lex?" came the groggy query a few moments later.

"Yeah, I'm home. Why didn't you lay down on your bed instead of scrunching yourself up on here? I'm sure it'd be far more comfortable for you than the couch." Their heads remained close together, blue eyes fixed on brown in a tender gaze.

"I guess I didn't make it that far," Liv admitted quietly, looking away and pulling herself into a seated position. Soothing a hand through her hair, she said, "I'll get out of your way, leave you to…"

"I didn't say it because you're in the way, Liv. You're not, I'm just concerned you'll regret sleeping all squashed up like that. Not to mention that you'll not feel rested or refreshed if you don't get any quality sleep," Alex explained, head cocked to one side, expression imploring her friend to not assume she was being a burden. "I'm going to go and run a bath, want me to run you one when I get out?"

"You saying I smell, Counsellor?" Liv asked jokingly, her mood lightening as she woke up more and the latest nightmare receded.

"Well…" Alex quipped with a non-committal shrug before breaking into a wide grin. "I'll give you a shout when it's ready for you. What do you feel like eating tonight? There's not much in the cupboards so it'll be takeout again I'm afraid but whatever you want is fine with me."

"To be honest, Al, I don't really care. I'm not hungry," Liv protested weakly.

"Really? When was the last time you ate something?" Alex asked, scowling as her friend merely shrugged her shoulders. "Don't make me call Gina, Olivia," the attorney growled.

"Fine, yesterday lunchtime… was when I last ate I guess," Liv grumbled. "You know, I could have you arrested for blackmail if you keep threatening to call Sam's parents every time I do something you don't approve of." Olivia's harsh words had less impact than they might have done had a smirk not been tugging at the corners of her lips as she spoke.

"That would necessitate it being a threat, my dear detective. On the contrary, I am simply upholding a promise that I wouldn't let you neglect yourself and was to inform Gina immediately if you attempted to do so," Alex replied smartly, ever the lawyer. With a playful swat to Liv's closest knee, Alex pushed herself to her feet and made to move towards her en suite bathroom.

"Hey Alex?" When the brunette was sure she had the attorney's attention, she continued, "thanks… for caring and for not letting me push you away." With a satisfied nod and a gentle smile, the younger woman accepted the thanks gratefully before continuing on her way.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday February 21<strong>__**st**__** 2009**_

_**17.54**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex docked her mp3 player in its station, scrolling through until she found an album that matched her mood. Setting it to play at a soft, background level volume, she fired up her laptop so she could check her emails while Liv was in the bath. Letting the computer go through its start up process, Alex thumbed through the available takeout menu choices, deciding on Thai cuisine. She grabbed her phone and punched in the number, efficiently dispatching her order and ending the call having extracted a promise of the food being delivered in approximately 45 minutes. Returning to her laptop, Alex pulled up her personal email account, scrolling through the list of unread messages for any that caught her eye and getting rid of all those she wished to delete. Her heart leapt as she spotted a reply from someone she had all but given up hope of hearing from. With no small amount of trepidation, the blonde opened the message from Beverley, the friend she had made during her second incarnation in Witsec and to whose son she was Godmother.

'_Alex_

'_I scarcely know where to begin replying to your email. To say I was shocked to receive a missive entitled the truth about Alison Humboldt would be, quite possibly, the understatement of the century. Even typing your real name at the start of this email feels foreign. I was so worried for you when you disappeared, especially when there were no attempts made to find you by the local police. I had no idea what had happened to you or what I should tell Greg. What you went through, what you had to do to survive, I can't imagine how you must have felt having to lie to people, to yourself, every day, not to mention how difficult it must have been to start over with a new identity every time you were moved. Please don't think that I am callous enough to hold it against you. You did what you had to do and I can't regret it all because it brought you into mine and Greg's life when we needed a friend. He still talks about you, we both still miss you but I can't say that I'm not scared about the prospect of meeting you again. Was our friendship as real to you as it was to us? Or was that, too, a lie? Please don't think me horrible for asking but I need to know that we will be a part of your life again for the long term if we do come to visit and you won't disappear again. I'm not sure I could forgive that and I won't risk putting my son through that. I do want you to know what an impression you made on me though – shortly after you left, I pulled my head together and finally plucked up courage to ask Tony out for dinner. We've been living together for almost two years now and, eight months ago, our family expanded. Tony and I are the proud parents of a happy, healthy and gorgeous little girl called Alison Rose. I wanted to name her after the woman who had inspired me to grab life by the horns and take a chance on love again. The way you spoke of the chance you had lost, it made me realise that I was being stupid allowing my fear to hold me back. Whilst I realise now that my daughter doesn't bear your name, I hope you will accept the sentiment in which the name was given to her._

'_Please write to me again so I know I haven't dreamt this? My telephone number is still the same but in case it got lost in the shuffle, it's included in my email signature. I'd love to hear your voice again, I've missed you, my friend, and I want to hear all about your life now. Did you get another chance at your 'lost' love? Are you back in your old job? How have you adapted to being your true self again? I do hope we get a chance to talk about all this and so much more._

'_Take care and I hope life is treating you well, now that you're 'home'._

'_Love always,_

'_Bev x'_

Tears streamed over Alex's cheeks, one hand shakily covering her mouth which was fixed open in a silent gasp, as she finished reading the response from the friend she had made in another lifetime.

"Alex, honey, what is it? What's wrong?" Liv's gentle voice sounded close by the attorney's ear. A warm body settled beside Alex's, soothing tendrils of black pepper and ginseng bath oil aroma washing over her. A bare tanned arm brushed against Alex's cotton covered own as Liv leaned in close, damp shoulder length hair resting limply against the blonde's shoulder.

In response, Alex simply angled the computer's screen towards her friend indicating for her to read the message from Beverley. As she read, Olivia wrapped her arm around Alex's shoulders, pulling her closer to offer silent support and comfort. "I should call her," Alex murmured softly.

"You should, sweetheart. We can never have too many friends and she sounds like one of the special ones. It's so sweet she named her daughter after you, you two obviously hit it off." Liv's voice was a mixture of genuine happiness for her friend and a small edge of something Alex struggled to identify.

"We did and I needed that, I needed a friend so badly after I'd had to leave you behind again. You've no idea how hard that was for me. I felt so torn, for so long, about not having said goodbye but… my heart couldn't take that again, seeing the tears in your eyes and that pain on your face. It would have broken me. God Liv, it almost did the first time – so many times when I closed my eyes, I relived those few minutes of saying goodbye to you and Elliot and every time, my heart ached every bit as badly as it did when I was driven away from you in that car by Hammond and his men. I felt guilty for running away without thanking you for what you did: holding me that night in the hotel; bringing that file so I'd know what buttons to push to make O'Connor flip out in court; for making me believe I could do it and for giving me a few hours of relative normality. I spent hours berating myself for not having the courage to face you guys again after the trial, you especially, but honestly Liv, I did what I thought I had to, to protect my heart and yours. And just when I hated myself the most for letting you down again, I met Beverley. She sensed I was a wounded soul and really took me under her wing. In a lot of ways, looking back at it now, she reminded me of you; gentle, caring, a natural protector and nurturer. She let me talk in my own time and I told her, in vague terms, about how I had left behind someone I cared about a great deal but that circumstances meant we couldn't be together, couldn't contact one another. I think she thought I was on the run from an abusive partner or something like that and that I'd had to sever all contact to protect myself from him, which ironically wasn't all that far from the truth, was it?" Throughout Alex's soliloquy, Liv held her close, melding their bodies together along their sides.

"I can't have been that good a friend to you back then, Al. I never realised you felt so strongly about anyone – who was it? Call myself a detective," Liv berated herself, a sharp pang of guilt and regret piercing her chest.

"It doesn't matter who it was. I made sure no one knew and now… well now it's just not an option. No big deal, I'm a big girl, right? I can learn to move on and take what I can get." Alex pulled herself from Liv's embrace. Their close proximity mixed with the brunette's choice of attire – snugly fitting yoga pants and a sleeveless t-shirt beneath which she wore no bra – was proving to be a distraction, especially whilst discussing, albeit in roundabout terms, the attraction Alex had harboured for the brooding brunette for many years.

"Do you still feel the same about him as you did back then? If you do, Alex, then if it's any way possible for you to be with him, you should take that chance. Don't deny yourself the chance to be happy, to share the kind of love you deserve just because you're scared you've missed the opportunity," Liv pressed, not willing to let her closest friend waste her life on meaningless liaisons unnecessarily.

"I appreciate you're trying to look out for my best interests, Olivia, but please, let it go. My 'lost love' as Bev so dramatically calls them… well they're completely unattainable for me. It's never going to happen and there's no point and no use in keep re-opening that sore. Their heart belongs to another." Alex increased the physical distance between herself and the object of her affection, crossing to the window to look down on the New York streets below.

"I'm sorry," Liv murmured softly, coming to stand behind the distressed attorney, wrapping her arms around her slender waist and resting her chin on the other woman's shoulder. "I'm sorry for not protecting you better; for you losing so much of your life; that you missed out on knowing that kind of happiness with this person who obviously still means so much to you," Liv hedged, not having missed Alex's lack of gender-specific pronouns. "I really hope that you meet someone new, someone who can give you everything you fear you've missed out on and whilst I know it can't rewind time, hopefully they can give you a bright, happy future." Liv pressed a chaste kiss to the back of Alex's scarred shoulder, the heat of her lips scorching into the attorney's skin even through her long-sleeved cotton t-shirt. A fresh tear trickled over Alex's alabaster cheek as her heart clenched while she struggled to let go of the notion of any type of love blossoming between herself and the woman cradling her so gently. The grief of losing that hope was every bit as painful as it had been when she had been driven away from the brunette all those years before. Her entire body trembled as she stoically attempted to keep her pain inside, even as Liv held her and murmured soft words, coaxing her into letting go. The moment was interrupted by the arrival of their dinner and not a moment too soon for Alex, who had been too close to giving in to her friend's gentle encouragement.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday February 21<strong>__**st**__** 2009**_

_**23.46**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Liv bolted upright in her bed, going from sound sleep to wide awake in an instant and yet unaware of what had woken her so abruptly. She wasn't covered in the usual sweat that accompanied a nightmare, nor was her heart racing or stomach roiling. A piercing cry filled the apartment, alerting the detective to her friend's distress and enlightening her. Throwing back the covers, the brunette hastened to Alex's room, wishing she had her gun back and terrified of what she might find behind the door, which rested ajar. With a final fortifying breath, Liv flung herself into the room, ready to take on any intruder in hand to hand combat if necessary to rescue her friend. Alex lay in the centre of her vast bed, the covers in disarray around her offering testament to her tormented slumber. There was no sign of a third party being present, although Liv checked every corner of the room and closet just to be sure. The blonde still tossed and turned, trapped in her nightmare as evidenced by the continuing whimpers and cries.

"No, please, don't hurt her! Take me, it's me you want, just please don't… not her. No… no… NO!" Alex screamed out, her voice hoarse and shrill in her panic.

"Alex, sweetheart, open your eyes… look at me Alex, come on sweetie, look at me. It's ok, it's going to be alright, you're going to be ok, Alex, you're fine," Liv chanted, stroking her hands over the distraught woman's face, unconsciously repeating many of the things she had assured her friend as she had lain bleeding on the sidewalk so many years ago after being shot by Zapata's hired hitman.

Blue eyes fluttered open, confusedly fixing on the concerned face hovering above her. For a moment, it was not the soft, plush mattress of her bed beneath her but the solid, unyielding concrete of that sidewalk. A phantom pain flashed through her shoulder in remembrance of that fateful night when her arrogance and stubbornness had cost her so much. "Oh God," she groaned quietly, her throat raw from her agonised screaming.

"It's ok, Alex. It was just a nightmare. You're safe, you're ok," Liv reassured once she was convinced Alex was truly awake.

"Sorry," the attorney murmured, face flooding with embarrassment as she realised she had woken the other woman with her screams. She attempted to roll over, to turn her face away and hide, but was prevented by her friend's warm hand on her upper arm.

"Please, Al, don't shut me out? How many times have you helped me recently when I've had a bad dream? Don't you think this is the very least I can do?" The cool night air chilled Olivia's skin as she crouched beside the bed in her grey flannel sleep shorts and white cotton tank top but still she remained where she was, determined to give something back to her closest friend who had done so much for her.

"You need to rest, to sleep, not this," Alex stated dejectedly, her voice monotone as she wrested her arm from beneath the older woman's hand and rolled away from her towards the opposite side of the bed. She didn't know what she expected Liv to do but her surprise was evident when the blankets behind her lifted and a cool body slipped beneath them, spooning her own frame tenderly.

"So do you. If you don't want to tell me about it, I'm not going to force you but please let me offer you a tiny bit of the comfort you've given to me the countless times I've woken you with my nightmares?" Even though it was phrased as a question, the tightening of her hold indicated that Liv had no intention of leaving the blonde woman alone in her distress. The two women lay in silence until first Alex and then, soon after, Olivia fell into a blissfully dreamless sleep.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday February 22<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**09.04**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

The morning sun peeked through a crack in the drapes, casting it's mellow glow across Olivia's closed eyes which she screwed up in protest at the unwelcome intrusion. At some point during the night she discovered she must have rolled onto her back since she awoke in that position with a protective arm draped across her midriff. She buried a hand in the flaxen hair cascading over the pillow beside her. Without opening her eyes, she let her lips traverse a path over the flesh she found on the head resting on her shoulder. Lips met lips and she worshipped them gently, massaging them, teasing them, nipping at them and soothing them in turn. The body beside her begun to stir, momentarily returning the kiss before freezing and pulling away. Liv finally opened her eyes to see startled blue orbs looking back at her, ash blonde eyebrows almost crawling off the smooth plain of Alex's forehead.

"Alex! Oh my God, I'm so sorry!" Olivia backed away, giving her friend space to escape her clutches as she mentally berated herself for her actions. "I… I… for a moment I thought you were… I thought I was with Sam," the brunette hurried to explain, backing away even further as Alex made to move forward. In her haste to get away, Liv misjudged her position and reached the edge of the bed far sooner than she anticipated. Seeing what was happening, Alex lunged forward to try to keep her friend on the bed. With a little grappling, they managed between them to stave off disaster and Olivia regained her equilibrium on the mattress. "I'll go back to my apartment, I'm sorry, I shouldn't…" Further words were prevented as Alex enveloped her friend in a tight hug.

"It's ok Olivia, I understand." Pulling back slightly, Alex tilted the brunette's proud chin up until she was looking into the attorney's eyes. "It happened, it doesn't have to make things awkward between us and it doesn't mean I'm about to throw you out either." In truth, the kiss had re-awakened the strong yearning Alex had been valiantly trying to suppress but it was neither the time nor the place to be exploring those feelings. Olivia's form was still stiff in the tight embrace, her arms clamped rigidly by her sides as though not daring to touch her friend for fear of forgetting herself again. "Come on sweetie, relax, it's ok. We're ok." Alex's voice was soothing and gentle, filled with warmth and compassion and a healthy dose of sincerity that she hoped would cut through the stoic detective's resolve.

"How can you not think badly of me after what I just did?" Olivia's voice was hoarse, barely louder than a whisper.

"Because I know it was your subconscious mind driving your actions. Listen, honey, neither of us were fully awake nor aware of what we were doing – I think the fact that I kissed you back is testament to that. I would never knowingly have kissed you so soon after Sam had I been fully aware of what I was doing." Ever the lawyer, Alex was careful how she worded her response, knowing in her heart that if circumstances were different, she would gladly be woken that way by the stunning brunette each and every morning. "Think about what you tell victims practically every day – you're not always responsible for your body's physiological responses to things." Alex implored her friend to see the sense in what she was saying. Seeing a tiny smile tugging at Olivia's lips, she realised that something had penetrated the gloomy fog.

"So if I was kissing Sam, who was it that you were kissing, Counsellor?" There was a lighter, teasing tone to the detective's voice but it was her question which floored the usually unflappable ADA.

Alex felt the blush rising across her cheeks as her mind raced for a reasonable explanation. "What can I say, Detective? It's not every day I get woken by a kiss from a beautiful woman!" She hoped the woman still held loosely in her embrace would not question her further, knowing that Alex was not ready to confess her feelings for Olivia and Liv was certainly not ready to hear about them. Her hopes faded a little as the brown-haired head was lifted from her shoulder and retreated to look into Alex's hazy blue orbs quizzically.

"You think I'm beautiful?" Olivia seemed genuinely baffled by the statement, not in an uncomfortable way, but rather in an incredulous, disbelieving way which stemmed from the fact the words had come from the blonde goddess before her.

"Of course. Olivia, you are one of the most beautiful women I have ever had the honour of knowing. You're attractive, you're kind, you're intelligent. You have infinite patience and compassion. You're modest and seem completely unaware of your appeal most of the time. Have you never noticed how many eyes follow you when you walk into a room?" Alex gently cupped an olive-toned cheek, eyes locked onto chocolate brown orbs in which she would happily drown.

"I think you're mistaking me for yourself, Counsellor," Olivia rejoined, a strange mix of emotions flooding through her at Alex's words. No one besides Sam had had this effect on her since she had begun dating the teacher. There was a warmth spreading throughout her core, a lightness of spirit as she gazed into the deep cerulean blue of the attorney's eyes. But there was also a hard cold lump of guilt gnawing away at her for even entertaining such affections. True, she was only human and being admired in such an honest and earnest way, she would have had to have been made from stone not to feel _something_ but that still didn't make it feel any more right to be feeling it mere weeks after losing the woman she loved so dearly.

"Oh but that's where you're wrong, Detective. I am completely self aware, I know that people want me and I am more than willing to use that in a judge's chambers or in a court room or even an interrogation room to get what I want!" Alex joked. She had always been told from an early age how beautiful she was, how she would have men falling at her feet and tripping over themselves to worship her. Her father had seen to it that his daughter was not at all self conscious about her appearance and was capable of using it to her advantage as well as recognising dangerous situations it could lead her into. Alex watched a myriad of emotions flit through the ever so expressive eyes still boring into her own and realised that they were straying away from safe territory. Deciding to stave off any awkwardness and before she overstepped the mark unintentionally, the blonde attorney pulled Olivia to settle back against the head board, propping pillows up behind them as they sat side by side, still in a loose embrace. "How about we go for a quick run and then I'll treat you to breakfast from that bakery you love near Central Park?"

"You've no need to bribe me into joining you for a run, Alex, but I certainly won't say no to breakfast… once I've burned off enough calories to eat it without feeling incredibly guilty that is!" Liv quipped lightly, relieved that her inadvertent actions hadn't led to disaster.


	33. Chapter 33

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**Thanks for the reviews on the last chapter, bit of a mixed reception but I value everyone's right to have an opinion. I don't, as a rule, try to justify what/how I write but I think it's only fair to warn the reviewer (and anyone else who feels the same) who 'skips the flashbacks', that Liv's relationship with Sam and the history which goes with that is really a vital part of this story and will continue to be a major part of the continuing plot. I've never claimed that this story is a uniquely AO story, if that's what you're looking for and are finding this story boring then let's agree to disagree; I'll continue to write the story as my muse wants it to be told and those bored by that perhaps might like to choose to read stories more suited to their tastes. To lose a lover under any circumstances is traumatic and takes time to get over. To jump straight into another relationship would be unwise and unrealistic and I am trying to portray this in a fairly believable fashion. **_

_****_"Pain makes you stronger. Tears makes you braver. Heartbreak makes you wiser. So thank the past for a better future." _****_

_**Anyway, onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday 1<strong>__**st**__** January 2009**_

_**00.23**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

Olivia stepped inside the ladies locker room as she answered the call from her lover, wishing with all she possessed that they could have seen in the New Year together but knowing how lucky she was to have been able to spend time with Sam and her family for Christmas and Thanksgiving without work interrupting.

"Hi baby," Sam's voice, warm, tender and slightly slurred, drifted through the tiny handset clamped to Liv's ear, filling her with the same sense of elation that it usually did.

"Hi sweetheart, Happy New Year," Liv replied, her own tone intimate. "You enjoying the party?" she teased, accepting that it sounded as though her lover had had a few drinks that evening.

"Happy New Year to you too. I'd be enjoying it more if you were here, I miss you," Sam murmured plaintively, knowing that her lover couldn't help being absent but the knowledge doing nothing to assuage her yearning to be reunited with the brooding brunette detective.

"I miss you too and I really wish that I could be there but unfortunately evil runs to its own timetable and cares little about the rest of us." Liv ran her hand through her silky, chestnut locks, leaning casually against the wall as she chatted to her adorably inebriated partner.

"My cousins have been asking when they get to see you again – they all want another story from you. You made quite the impression on them, Liv," Sam informed her girlfriend proudly. "You're such a natural with kids," she added a little wistfully, knowing that they had agreed to wait until they looked into adopting a child but wishing that they could be parents all the same.

"They're great kids, very easy to like and easily entertained." Liv fobbed off the younger woman's praise in her usual modest style.

"Is that Olivia?" the detective heard in the background on the other end of the phone.

"Yes Mama," Sam replied simply before the distant voice grew louder as Gina relieved her daughter of the telephone.

"Olivia, darling, Happy New Year. I've saved you some food, I'll make sure my daughter brings it home to you when she leaves here. What time do you think you'll get off work? So I know when to kick her out and send her back to you," Gina teased gently.

"Happy New Year Gina and please wish the same to Fausto. I'm sorry I couldn't be there to celebrate it with you all," Olivia apologised earnestly, wishing more and more that she was at the restaurant with her new extended family.

"Nonsense, dear girl, we all understand you are doing what you must to keep us all safe from these monsters. And we did get to spend time with you at Christmas so all is not lost. Although, I fear you may have to arrange a play date with Sami's cousins to prevent a world war breaking out between them!" Gina smiled broadly as she listened to Olivia laughing heartily.

"Cute. I should be able to get home by Saturday morning, all being well. Tonight, I'm just going to be grabbing a few hours in the crib if I'm lucky so could you take care of our girl for me?" Olivia requested, adding, "I don't want her to begin the new year alone."

"Of course we will," Gina assured the detective warmly. "I'll send some food by the precinct tomorrow for you, make sure you eat something more than a doughnut."

"You don't have to do that Gina, although I certainly won't refuse your cooking," Olivia advised gleefully. The sensation of being cared for, of having someone – well more than just one person – looking out for her was still a heady experience.

"Of course you won't, you're an intelligent woman who knows a losing battle when she sees one!" Gina quipped in response. "I'd better pass you back to my daughter, she's scowling at me for stealing your time. Take care of yourself and stay safe, Olivia."

"I will, Gina. You enjoy the rest of your night celebrating," Liv replied with genuine affection as she said farewell to the woman who, for all intents and purposes, was her mother-in-law such was the detective's connection with her daughter.

"Please say you don't have to ring off just yet?" Samia whined as she came back on the line, stepping into a quieter area of the living accommodation attached to the family restaurant.

"No, I've got time for a few more minutes yet before they send out a search party. What's up, sweetheart?" Liv probed gently, wishing she could wrap her arms around the young teacher.

"Nothing really, I just… being here, without you, it feels… strange, wrong somehow. Does that even make sense?" Sam sighed, expressing her frustration at their enforced separation far more deftly than she could in words. "I hate sleeping alone," she confessed, cringing as she hoped her partner wouldn't take it as a complaint about her job. Sam had known precisely what she was taking on when she agreed to a relationship with the dedicated detective.

"I know babe, me too but I might be able to come home tomorrow night if things go as we hope they will," Liv cooed softly, no hint of recrimination or defensiveness in her tone. "Will you stay with your Mom and Pops tonight, please? It's too late to be catching a cab back to our apartment and no doubt there are more drunk drivers out there than there ought to be too. I'd just feel happier knowing you're safe where you are, please? Humour me?"

"Say that again," Sam commanded, a strange edge to her voice.

"Which bit?" Liv queried warily.

"Our apartment," the blonde directed.

Understanding dawning on her, Liv smiled into her cellphone. "It is _our_ apartment now, Sami. Our home, together, as equal partners."

"God that sounds amazing," Sam murmured, breathlessly. "I'm still getting used to it but hearing you call it ours… it makes me want to drag you home and christen every room in the apartment, hell possibly every horizontal surface and maybe a few vertical ones too!"

"There's no rush, sweetheart, neither of us are going anywhere. At least, not without the other right beside them," Liv assured warmly, a thrill of anticipation racing through her at the thought of being ravaged by her sexy lover. "I'd better go before I start describing to you precisely what I'd like to do to you right now. Neither of us are in the optimal place for that kind of conversation."

"Be safe, sweetheart and come back to me ready to have your world rocked," Sam instructed, reluctant to let the older woman go but understanding she was on borrowed time.

"I will, honey, but believe me, you rock my world every day just by sharing your life with me," Liv replied quietly, pushing herself off the wall and crossing to one of the sinks lining the far wall. "I love you, Sam. Call you tomorrow when I know more about what's happening and when I'm likely to get home."

"I love you too, Olivia. Speak to you tomorrow. Night baby." The two women each paused for a moment after disconnecting the call, gathering their wits and swallowing down their intense longing for one another before continuing about their business.

Liv strode into the bullpen, surprised to be greeted by a blonde vision in tight, form fitting, faded jeans, plain white sneakers and a navy Harvard hooded sweatshirt. Elliot was standing beside the woman, chatting and sharing anecdotal tales of New Year's events gone by.

"Alex?" Liv queried, not quite believing that the young ADA wouldn't have been out at some formal event to celebrate the arrival of a fresh year of opportunities.

"Happy New Year, Liv," Alex greeted her warmly as she spun on her heel and approached the startled, weary detective. When she was close enough, Alex drew Liv into a tight embrace, placing a chaste kiss against her cheek.

"Happy New Year to you too. I uh… I assumed you'd have been out celebrating this evening or did your celebrations take on a more horizontal form when the clock struck midnight?" Liv teased as she blatantly scoped the blonde's attire.

"Ha-ha," Alex deadpanned, clearly unmoved by her friend's insinuations. "I had been invited to attend the annual family extravaganza with Uncle Bill but knowing how close you were to getting a break on this case, I declined in favour of making sure I was available to help you should the need for a warrant arise." Alex fixed a level gaze on the older woman, one eyebrow raised as though daring her to dispute that explanation.

"Your dedication is admirable, Alex, and appreciated. Not least because if we get the warrant tonight, we might all get to spend tomorrow night doing things which are far more enjoyable!" Elliot chipped in with a smirk.

"Speak for yourself Detective Stabler. I will be attempting to escape from a charity luncheon my Aunt has seen fit to throw which will doubtless drag on into the night. And by escape, I literally mean escape with my sanity, dignity and singularity intact! Aunt Helen makes it her mission every year on January 1st to find me a husband. And every year, the gentleman she chooses for me is a bore with as much passion as a dead fish who only wishes to have a trophy wife for such tedious functions while the rest of the year he's off screwing his whores in various boroughs throughout the state. My time away from New York only seems to have made Aunt Helen more determined to pair me off with a particularly unsuitable suitor!" Alex's eloquent, yet damning speech left the two detectives stunned. Even Olivia, as the attorney's friend, had not realised the extent to which Alex's remaining family attempted to dictate her life solely because of her family name and status. "So Olivia, pray tell, while I'm being hounded to marry a soulless cad and Elliot is making baby number... what number are you up to now? Six? What will you be spending your evening doing when you're released back into the wild?" There was a subtle wink thrown the brunette's way, too deft to be caught by their male companion but clearly visible to Olivia which let her know that Alex didn't expect her to be wholly truthful in her answer.

"I'll be very boring and very predictable: I will be having a hot bath, putting on some comfortable clothes and huddling under the throw with a movie during which I will no doubt fall asleep within the first half hour." Olivia slipped the cellphone, which had still been cradled in her palm following her brief conversation with her lover, into the front pocket of her indigo denim jeans. She neglected to mention that she wouldn't be alone, hopefully not in the bath but most definitely not cuddling on the couch in front of the movie.

With a whining groan of jealousy, Alex narrowed her eyes and fixed the detectives with a patented Cabot ice-princess glare. "If either of you really appreciated me, you'd offer to go to the luncheon in my place or better still, phone my aunt and explain to her why I can't possibly attend this year."

"No offence, Counsellor, but I have no desire to be betrothed to a whore of a man and I really don't think I'd make a good trophy wife," Elliot announced with mock regret lacing his tone. "But you know, you could always crash Olivia's solitary slumber party instead, couldn't she, Liv?" Slightly widened brown eyes met cobalt blue as the two women struggled to respond instantaneously. Alex was equally as aware as her friend that there would already be more than one guest at Liv's apartment, with the attorney having been excitedly informed of Sam and Liv's plans to move in together a few days after Christmas.

"Uh, yeah, sure if you don't mind me being the most antisocial hostess in history!" Liv feigned making the offer sound genuine as best she could, glancing at her partner to assess its effectiveness.

"It's fine, Liv, really. If I don't show my face, I'll only be postponing the inevitable. Or, God forbid, Aunt Helen might even give my number or address to the cretin she's trying to set me up with – she's done that before when I ducked out early!" Alex scoffed with a terse shake of her head, recalling the persuading it had taken for that particular guy to lose her number.

"Seriously? Wow, I don't think I ever want to meet your aunt," Elliot stated, sucking in a quick breath through pursed lips with a wince.

"You know, if any of them are potential stalkers, we'll have your back, Alex," Liv assured her friend, reaching out and squeezing her shoulder gently. The action was two-fold. On the surface it could be assumed that it was a simple act of support, a gesture of good-natured solidarity in the face of hearing about Alex's difficult aunt. Liv and Alex both realised though that it was also the older woman's way of thanking her blonde friend for not letting Elliot know about Samia. Olivia wasn't sure she'd ever be ready to face her staunchly Catholic partner's reaction to her being in a loving, committed relationship with another woman, no matter how much Alex attempted to persuade her that he'd be ok with it because she was who she was.

"Thank you Olivia, it's good to know I can ring you at any time if my aunt's taste and good sense completely desert her. Perhaps this year, he will at least be the right side of sixty!" All three of them erupted into spontaneous laughter at the thought of the blonde goddess, Alexandra Cabot, becoming arm furniture for a sexagenarian.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday 2<strong>__**nd**__** January 2009**_

_**23.59**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

The brunette crept through the apartment as quietly as she could, heading straight for the bedroom where she was sure to find her lover. They had caught a lucky break in their case and managed to sneak away from the precinct without having to spend another night in the crib, grabbing whatever sparse smattering of sleep they could. Olivia almost moaned her appreciation out loud as her eyes landed on the inviting looking bed and the motionless mound already buried beneath the covers. The night air chilled her skin as she shucked off her work clothes and she hastened her movements, throwing on her pyjama pants and cap-sleeved t-shirt. Liv lifted the corner of the blankets, trying to let as little of the cool air into the cosy cocoon as possible as she slid beneath the covers. The warmth enveloped her, surrounding her and holding her like a lover. The softness of her mattress felt divine after the lumpy cots in the crib. But the best sensation of all was the way her partner instinctively rolled towards her, moulding herself along the contours of her body and welcoming her with an unconscious embrace. Deciding it was time to return the favour Sam had so gladly bestowed on her on Christmas morning, Liv allowed her hands to wander over the cotton-covered planes of Sam's back, dipping her slender fingers beneath the waistband of the younger woman's own pants and palming the firm, smooth globes of her buttocks. Her lips suckled at every inch of uncovered skin she encountered as she deftly rolled them over, hovering above the still slumbering teacher. With the desperation of a parched man in a desert, Liv craved the taste of Sam's essence. She carefully, steadily, gently teased the pants and underwear over the blonde's hips and legs until she could toss them aside, kissing her way back up the lean limbs and nestling between openly awaiting thighs.

"Mmmm," came the drowsy response from above as Liv's lips fastened themselves around succulent flesh, tongue darting through silky folds and tantalisingly drawing patterns designed to inflame and provoke Sam's passion. Olivia smiled as she felt her lover's body begin to react even before her brain had woken her. Wanting the younger woman to be in a thoroughly heightened state of arousal once she did realise that she wasn't in the midst of a particularly erotic dream, Liv stepped up her ministrations, focusing her attentions on the partially hidden bundle of nerves with her lips and tongue whilst easing a single finger into her hot, tight core, surprised by the copious amounts of moisture already there. Her own centre clenched, her desire being satisfied by loving her girlfriend in such a fashion. As she worked a second finger into Sam's entrance and pressed her tongue flat against her clitoris, Sam arched off the bed, thrown into wakefulness with a hoarse cry of her lover's name.

"Happy New Year, my beautiful Sami. May it be a year to remember for the very best of reasons," Liv murmured into Sam's ear as she lay beside her, cradling her after swiftly crawling up the bed following the young blonde's orgasm.

"Happy New Year, Liv and as long as you're in my life, this year is bound to be special, just like every year after it will be too, so long as we're together." Sam turned her head to meet her lover's lips, growling as she tasted her own flavour there. "That is one hell of a way to wake up!" she exclaimed with a chuckle. "What time is it? Come to think of it, what day is it? Is it Saturday morning already?" Arousal mixed with a still sleepy mind led to a very confused blonde.

"I got let out early for good behaviour," Liv joked, snuggling down next to her partner and drawing her in as close as possible, content to simply drift into a comfortable slumber. "It's just after midnight, plenty of time to sleep yet. Sorry I woke you but I missed you so much, I couldn't help it."

"Don't you dare apologise for waking me, certainly not for how you woke me! I'd have been having some serious words with you in the morning if I'd woken up and found you beside me. Don't you want me to take care of you before we get some rest?" Sam asked coyly, one hand already beginning to dip towards the juncture of her lover's legs.

"I'm fine, sweetheart. Let's sleep now. Tomorrow's a whole other day and unless we have plans I don't know about, we can stay in bed all day if we so choose." Liv placed a tender kiss against Sam's brow, encouraging her to assume her usual position curled around the detective's body as her own eyes slid shut and remained that way. With a final quiet yawn, Sam too succumbed to the need to sleep.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday 13<strong>__**th**__** January 2009**_

_**19.27**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

"Hi Alex, come on in," Liv greeted her friend warmly as she stepped aside to usher the attorney in out of the hallway. "Sorry we couldn't do this at the precinct but I needed to get home. One of Sam's kids very kindly shared their germs with her, she's laid up in bed with the flu."

"Not to worry. We'll keep this brief so you can focus on taking care of Sam. I'd say it can wait but we're already at the limit of our time on this one," Alex responded, slipping out of her raincoat and allowing Liv to hang it behind the front door for her.

"Thanks. I realise we have to get this done, it's ok. Sami's sleeping at the moment but I'll need to wake her in an hour or so for some more Tylenol. 'Til then, I'm all yours," Liv exclaimed, leading her friend through to the lounge. "Can I get you a drink? There's a fresh pot of coffee that's almost full."

"A coffee would be great, thanks. It's bitter out there, I wouldn't be surprised if it snows later," Alex complained, not relishing the idea of navigating her way back to her own apartment if a covering of white stuff did settle on the city.

"If it does, you're more than welcome to stay here for the night. I can only offer the couch but I'd be happier knowing you weren't out there taking your life in your hands getting back to your apartment," Liv offered warmly as she crossed to the compact kitchen to retrieve Alex's coffee.

"Thanks but I wouldn't dream of putting you out. You've already got enough on your hands taking care of Sam. I'll be fine, no matter what the weather does. It's not going to put down that much in that short a time even if it does start snowing," Alex assured her friend, grateful for her concern but brushing it off all the same.

"We'll see," Liv replied, knowing it was pointless trying to argue with an attorney but not willing to dismiss it out of hand. "How's it going with getting Marcus to accept you're not interested in being his trophy wife?" Liv asked, referring to the latest in the long line of unsuitable men Alex's aunt had attempted to get the attorney to date.

"I think we're nearing an understanding. I may have mentioned your promise to arrest anyone who wouldn't leave me alone and take no for an answer," Alex informed her friend with a smirk, accepting the mug of steaming coffee gratefully.

"Good. Let me know if he still doesn't back off, I'll make good on that promise," Liv told the blonde sternly. She shook her head, acknowledging that she would never understand why Alex allowed herself to be manipulated like a pawn by her family, simply for the sake of an easy life.

"Shall we get down to business and then I can leave you to don your nurse's outfit in peace?" Alex enquired with a salacious wink.

"Yeah right Cabot, as if I'm going to be getting any tonight when Sam can barely keep her eyes open long enough to take the Tylenol!" Liv retorted with a snort of derision. "Come on then, let's get this over with. There's no way this guy is walking away from what he did to Lisa and Edward."

"It's a good case, Liv. The evidence is strong and damning, your testimony will just be the final nail in Benitez's coffin. The evidence will convict him, you will make the jury despise him for the cowardly rat he is," Alex assured the detective vehemently, the strength of her belief in the case they had built swelling Liv's own confidence. For the next hour, the two women concentrated on their preparation with Alex firing question after question at Olivia and the brunette responding efficiently, professionally and with diligent attention to detail whilst taking care to keep her own feelings regarding the depravity and degradation the elderly couple had been subjected to at a minimum. Alex's respect for the older woman grew each time they went to trial. Olivia's handling of the cases, her respectful regard for the victims and her clear, concise recall of the evidence made her own job so much easier to do.

"Liv," a quiet voice croaked from the doorway of the lounge, interrupting the flow of their question and answer session.

The brunette bolted to her feet, swiftly covering the short distance to where her lover leaned heavily against the doorframe for support. "What are you doing out of bed, sweetheart?" Liv asked as she secured an arm around the younger woman's thin waist, helping her to remain upright.

"My head hurts and I need some water. I didn't want to disturb you while you're working but…I don't think I can make it to the kitchen," Sam replied wearily, her voice thin and breathless, testament to the effort it had taken for her to make the short journey to where she was.

Alex stood and began to make her own way to the kitchen, throwing over her shoulder, "I'll get the water, Liv, you help Sam back to bed."

With a brief, "thanks," Liv did precisely that, focussing her attention on her ill lover. "Can you walk back to the bed or shall I carry you?" she asked quietly, pressing a hand to the woman's forehead, startled to feel how high her temperature was.

"I think I can make it, if you don't mind helping me," Sam offered, pushing weakly off the doorjamb, her legs immediately buckling beneath her.

"OK, I think that answers that," Liv retorted, sweeping the young woman into her arms and carrying her the short distance back to the bedroom. She placed Sam gently down onto the exposed sheets, hyper aware of the violent shivers taking hold of the blonde in her fever-ridden state. Reaching for the Tylenol bottle on the bedside cabinet, Liv popped out two capsules and turned to accept the glass of water from Alex. "Sit up for me for a second, sweetheart," Liv instructed her lover who was already threatening to give in to her almost overwhelming need to sleep once again. Seeing that the young blonde was in no condition to comply, Alex rounded the bed, kneeling beside the reclined woman and assisting her into a seated position, allowing her to lean her entire weight back against her since she had no strength in her own muscles to hold herself up.

"I'm sorry…" Sam murmured, though provided no further explanation for her apology.

"Sssh, it's ok baby. Take these and drink your water then you can sleep again," Liv commanded tenderly, her concern evident in her expression. Between them, Alex and Olivia managed to get the pills into the teacher, along with a few sips of water to wash them down, before Sam submitted to unconsciousness once again. Gingerly lowering the now slumbering woman back to the bed, Alex clambered off while Liv remained perched beside her lover, stroking her forehead softly.

"How long has she been like this?" Alex asked quietly, understanding that nothing short of an explosion would wake the younger blonde but still not wanting to risk disturbing her.

"She seemed tired this morning and was complaining of aching muscles but insisted on going in to work. She was sent home after lunch and was in bed when I got back a little after five," Liv replied with a frown. "I wish there was more I could do to make her feel better or to break this fever at least."

"Have you tried her in a tepid bath? That's what my governess used to do for me when I ran a temperature as a child," Alex suggested.

"You had a governess?" Liv asked, momentarily distracted.

"Of course. My parents were busy with their lives, they needed someone to make sure I upheld the Cabot good name," Alex told her friend as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. Despite knowing one another for so long, Liv found there were still things which surprised her about the attorney and which drove home to her how different their worlds were.

"So this bath, what temperature should I make it?" the brunette queried, willing to consider anything if it would aid her ailing lover.

"I'll go run it, you get Sam undressed. Then I'll get out of your hair, if you think you'll be able to manage getting her in and out of the bath on your own?" Both women looked at the heavily sleeping teacher, realising that she would be offering no assistance at all.

"Would you mind staying until I get her out again? Just in case?" Liv asked shyly. It was heart-warming for Alex to see Liv so concerned for the welfare of the young woman whom she obviously cared for a great deal.

"Of course I wouldn't mind, Liv. Whatever you need."

"Is she ok?" Alex asked as Olivia rejoined her in the lounge, watching as the older woman sank tiredly into the couch.

"Yeah, her temperature's come down quite a lot. I'm sure the Tylenol have helped but a lot is down to your bath so thank you for that. And thank you as well for changing the sheets on the bed, that was really sweet of you," Liv gushed, smiling warmly at the attorney.

"You're welcome. It seemed like they'd have been uncomfortable for Sam and wouldn't help her recovery any. Besides, I wanted to make myself useful while you were bathing her." Alex allowed her gaze to wander over her friend's face, taking in the sure signs of fatigue. "I should head home and let you get some sleep too," she stated.

"It's late, 'Lex, why don't you stay? Please? I won't settle until I know you're home safe anyway and I think we could both use some sleep. I've plenty of blankets," Liv stated, hoping Alex would agree if only to appease her protective nature.

"I'll be fine getting home, Liv. I need to be at the office early tomorrow and I don't want to wake either of you when I have to leave at the crack of dawn to head home to change for work," the attorney explained, preferring the idea of spending the night in her own bed. "Make sure you get some sleep, Liv. I need you fit and well to testify so please don't go picking the flu up from your girlfriend, ok?"

"I'll do my best, Counsellor. Let me know you get home alright, please?" Liv requested firmly, knowing there would be no talking her friend around if she had made her mind up. Walking the attractive blonde to the front door, Liv hugged her tightly. "Thank you for all your help this evening, Alex, I really appreciate it. I'm glad we're back to being such close friends again and I'm more grateful than you might realise for your support of my relationship with Sami."

"I just want what's best for you, Liv, and I can see how much Sam means to you. What kind of friend would I be if I wasn't supportive of something that brings you so much?" Alex stepped out into the corridor before promising the detective, "I'll text you as soon as I'm home."

After seeing her friend out, Liv ran some water into the coffee mugs they'd used before turning out the lights and quietly entering the bedroom she shared with her lover. She paused in the doorway for a moment, watching the young woman sleep soundly, her heart swelling with renewed tender affection every time she laid eyes on her girlfriend, even when she wasn't looking at her best. Tiptoeing the short distance to the bed, Liv swiftly discarded her clothing, slipping into a tank top and sleep shorts and crawling under the blankets beside her shivering partner, who instinctively rolled towards the warmth offered by the older woman's body.

"Livie?" came the semi-conscious murmur.

"Ssssh baby, just sleep. I'm here, I've got you," Liv cooed, smiling at the childlike nickname.

"Love you," Sam hummed as she once again succumbed to a flu-induced coma.


	34. Chapter 34

_**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**_

_**Thanks to all of you who have left reviews, I really do value the feedback (of all kinds! I'm putting yesterday's blart down to a stressful week at work with an increasingly stressful manager!) So there's only one chapter after this one that has already been posted online over at Passion & Perfection and then we're into brand new, exclusive, never before published territory! Eek scary business how fast the time goes when you're posting at least one chapter per day! Good news is, there are a few more chapters which are ready to be uploaded so I'll try not to leave too long between updates but I probably won't be able to knock them out fast enough to post every day after 35 is up :( Darn real life getting in the way! But I do promise that I will see this story through to its conclusion. Never, when I started posting this story, did I think that there would be anywhere near this number of reviews so I really do offer you all a huge thank you and a big plate of cyber cookies for continuing to read this tale.**_

_**Before we begin, to answer AnywhereElse's question about the quote in my last author's note, I've scoured the internet looking for who it is credited to but it keeps coming back listed as 'Unknown'. I do love that quote though :)**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday February 22<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**10.41**_

_**Payard Patisserie & Bistro, Lexington Avenue**_

Alex and Olivia pushed through the doors of the quaint little cafe, both feeling in dire need of sustenance and fluids after their punishing run. It hadn't lasted long but each of them had pushed one another hard as though they could outrun their individual and collective demons, and now they were both feeling the effects of their exertions.

"What can I get you ladies?" the young redheaded college kid behind the counter asked.

"Two bottles of water, one cinnamon latte and a black coffee please," Alex directed, knowing what drinks were required. Turning to her panting companion, she enquired, "what are you having to eat, Liv?"

Olivia cast her gaze over the sumptuous display of pastries, specialty breads and rolls as she decided what could satisfy her sudden craving for something sweet. "I'll take a cinnamon roll and a pain au chocolat, please."

"Sounds good," Alex concurred before adding her own choice to the order, "make that two cinnamon rolls, one pain au chocolat and an almond brioche."

"Certainly ma'am. Will you be eating in or should I make those to go?" The atmosphere in the bistro was casually relaxed, well suited to a leisurely Sunday morning. Liv shrugged deferring to Alex's preference when the blonde cast an enquiring glance in her direction.

"To eat in, thanks." Alex handed over the cash to pay for the purchases from a zipped closed pocket in her thin track jacket. After retrieving her change and securing it back in her pocket, the two women made their way to the end of the counter to await their drinks and food to be ready.

"Thanks for breakfast, Alex," Liv murmured gratefully.

"You're welcome. You ok? That was a bit more brutal than the last few times we've run, how are you feeling?" the blonde asked, hoping that the morning's activities hadn't done more harm than good.

"I'll be fine, I've just realised how out of shape I've become in the last few weeks of not running and going to the gym every other day. It'll do me good to get back into the routine, stop me from getting lazy," Liv replied with a self deprecating smile, picking up her tall, black coffee as it was placed beside her. Alex grabbed her own drink and between them, the two friends ferried their wares over to a vacant table towards the back of the bistro.

"Don't push it too hard, too soon, Liv. You're not going to lose your fitness in a couple of weeks and overdoing it will just put you back further on the road to recovery – physically speaking – and we both know you'll only end up more frustrated if your return to full duties is delayed because you didn't listen to your body." Alex felt a protective need to caution the older woman against punishing herself through too much strenuous exertion, understanding her drive and desire but knowing it would prove to be counterproductive. "Trust me on this, please. When I was first in Witsec, I had to have intensive therapy on my shoulder to regain a full range of movement and my therapist gave me some exercises to do in between sessions. I continually overdid the exercises and added my own in too, using furniture and household items as weights to try and speed up my recovery. No matter how many times my therapist told me I had to let my shoulder heal and recover at its own pace, I ignored her and continued my own frantic regime until one morning I woke up and couldn't move my arm at all. The pain was excruciating, almost worse than the actual gunshot wound that caused the problem. I phoned Lisa, my therapist, and she came over, gave me the biggest tongue lashing of my life – and that includes those I've had from my mother and Aunt Helen! I was back to square one, had to wear a sling for weeks afterwards until the muscles had settled down enough for me to restart the treatments and light exercises. No matter how frustrated I got after that, all I had to do was remember how hard it had been to start over and how painful it had been and I'd realise that taking my time was far preferable to going through that again. Please, Liv, don't repeat my mistakes," she implored of the brunette.

"How are you still so… I don't know… well adjusted after everything you went through? You're a remarkable woman, Alex." Liv's tone was awe-filled, her eyes shining with admiration.

"I'm not, not really. I have my demons, I have my insecurities and my dark days, I've just been used to projecting a facade all my life so this is no different. It's mostly just an act while I scrabble around trying to get my feet back beneath me again." Alex picked up her brioche, tearing a bite-sized chunk off and slipping it between her lips. Liv allowed her friend a moment, nibbling at the edge of her own cinnamon roll before she spoke.

"I'll make a deal with you: I'll try to listen to my body more and not be impatient if you'll let your guard down when we're alone together. Let me know when you're struggling to find yourself, to define who you are and we can work on that together just as you're helping me to work on handling my grief for Sam's loss." Liv took hold of Alex's hand where it rested on the table top. "We can share stories of old times, I can remind you of the Alex I used to know and love, of the good times we shared and the more legendary fights we had. Perhaps that might help to coax Alex – the new edition – to settle into herself more easily, if she remembers her heritage."

"Liv, I'll be honest with you, just being around you makes it easier to be myself again. Your friendship, who I am when I'm with you, for the most part, that's who I want to be, that's who I think Alex is. I don't feel like I have to hide behind Alexandra or ADA Cabot when I'm with you. Listen to me, anyone would think I have a multiple personality disorder – sorry dissociative identity disorder," Alex snorted quietly, pulling another chunk of brioche off savagely.

Liv once again reached across the small table, capturing Alex's dainty hand in her own larger one, squeezing it supportively. "Not if they knew what you'd been through, they wouldn't. You amaze me, Alex and since you've been so honest with me, let me do likewise with you; seeing you rebuilding your life, being so strong and confident that you will get your life back to where you want it to be, that gives me hope that I too can get through this. You, Alex, _you_ inspire that hope in me just by being who you are."

The attorney felt tears prick at her eyes and swallowed against the forming lump in her throat as her gaze met her friend's sincere stare. "Thank you, that's the sweetest thing anyone has said to me in a long time."

The two companions were content to eat and drink their breakfast in comfortable silence for a while, each mulling over their own thoughts and hopes for the future. As they readied to leave, Liv held the door open for Alex, pausing in the entryway with a worried look on her face.

"What is it? What's the matter?" Alex queried, trying to peer around the detective to see what was causing her concern. Her gaze landed on a tall, lanky brunette meandering down the street towards the bistro, laughing heartily as she wrapped an arm casually around the shoulders of an attractive blonde and dropped a kiss on her cheek.

"Alex…" Liv's voice held more than a small note of caution and regret that her good friend might be pained by the visage developing before them.

"It's ok, Liv. I knew Abbie was just a casual fuck when I took her to my bed. I didn't expect her to dwell on it. We scratched an itch for each other, simple as that." Alex ran a hand down Olivia's arm, feeling the coiled tension there and silently grateful that the older woman was looking out for her honour, even though it was not necessary. Seeing Abbie with another woman did cause a pang of something to flare momentarily inside Alex but she was reluctant to examine it for fear she wouldn't like what she found.

"You…you and Abbie slept together?" Liv asked as they stepped out on to the sidewalk. "I mean... sorry, it's none of my business."

"Olivia, don't... don't pull back from me and think that you can't ask me about anything. Yes Abbie and I had sex and that was all it was, a quick fuck with a willing partner. After the numerous fiascos of dates I've been on with men my family deem suitable recently, it was a nice change to be with someone who made me feel something more than a moral obligation to be seen out with them." Alex looped her arm through the brunette's, pulling her away from the bistro and the approaching women and back towards her apartment.

"I'm sorry your first time with a woman couldn't have been more meaningful for you," Liv stated quietly, remembering her own first sexual encounter with a woman and how it had opened her eyes to the possibility of their being more to relationships than simple physical fulfilment. Alex sensed there was more the older woman wished to say but was perhaps reluctant to in such a public setting.

"Every time you sleep with someone new, it's a first time experience to make of it what you will. It's for both partners to make it special whether it's the first time you've slept with a person of that gender or the hundred and first time. Abbie gave me what I needed, when I needed it." The blonde attorney spun around so that she was standing in front of Olivia, barring her from escaping. "Does it bother you that I slept with Abbie? Honestly? I know you said you'd be ok with it but is it going to cause an atmosphere between us?"

"No! No, I… who you sleep with is your business Alex, I just don't want to see you get hurt or see you go through life not knowing the happiness that a relationship can bring you," Liv hastened to assure the younger woman, stepping closer and pulling Alex to her, wrapping her arms around her and offering her a warm, sincere hug to show there was no issue between them. Alex melted into the embrace, against her better judgement, laying her head on the detective's broad shoulder and closing her eyes for a moment, allowing herself to fantasise about the kiss they had shared that morning. Feeling her nipples tighten in response to the images her mind was conjuring, Alex sprung from the embrace as though she had been scolded.

"We ought to get back. I could use a shower and you need to rest." Liv opted not to press for an explanation of the sudden retreat, hoping that she hadn't made the attorney uncomfortable with her sudden display of affection or her questioning of what Alex and Abbie had shared. Instead, she contented herself with trotting along beside the blonde who had set off up the sidewalk at a fair pace.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday February 22<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**12.39**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex stepped into her lounge, crisp white towel wrapped around her shoulders, one hand busily towel-drying her mid-length blonde locks. She spied Olivia stretched out on the couch, one leg haphazardly falling off the side, foot firmly planted on the floor to prevent the rest of her body from following suit. One arm was thrown across the brunette's eyes and from the steady rise and fall of her chest, Alex hazarded a guess that Liv was napping. Opting to let her rest for a while, Alex wandered through into her well appointed kitchen, rifling through the refrigerator for a carton of fruit juice and pouring a generous serving into a tall tumbler. She sunk half of the drink, refilling it before replacing the juice in the fridge and heading into her dining room. Her attaché case was still beside the mahogany table, where she had left it. Leaving the towel around her shoulders and placing the drink on one of the coasters, there to protect the polished tabletop from watermarks and other potential flaws, Alex reached into her case and extracted some paperwork, settling herself down to look over her work schedule for the coming week and draught an opening statement for the Danvers case.

"You should have woken me," a sleepy voice called from the doorway, somewhere behind Alex. The blonde attorney started, having got quite used to the silent apartment and having lost track of time. A glance at the clock on the wall showed over an hour had gone by since she started working.

"After that run this morning, the sleep won't have done you any harm," she replied, twisting in her chair to look at the adorably drowsy detective as she approached the table where Alex was seated.

"How can I sleep so much and still be tired?" Olivia grumbled sullenly.

"Because your body and your mind are still healing and that takes a huge amount of energy that you don't normally expend. When you add in your normal daily activities or increased physical exertion, you're going to wear yourself out more quickly. It won't last and you'll start to notice your stamina increasing again in time. Think of it like the flu, Liv – you don't just get up out of bed straight after having the flu and expect to be able to do everything you could before you got sick, do you?" Alex reasoned, putting her pen down on the legal pad she had been jotting notes and arguments on.

"I guess not. I just wish this fatigue didn't keep hitting me out of nowhere. One minute I can be fine, the next my eyes roll back in my head and when I'm next aware of anything, I've lost an hour or two of my life!" Liv exclaimed with a frustrated sigh.

"That aside, do you feel better for your nap?" Alex asked, genuinely hoping that it had been refreshing for the older woman.

"Yeah, it was… I dreamed of Sami, I remember. I dreamed of the first date I took her on," Liv replied, blowing out a shaky breath as she felt her eyes water at the memories her dream had conjured.

"Want to talk about it? I'm presuming this wasn't when you had dinner together after the funeral?" Alex prompted.

"No, we decided not to class that as a date – it just seemed too crass. I think both of our consciences had issues with us getting together at a funeral, especially one of a child. So we agreed that our first 'official' date was when I took her to dinner the following week. I'd been working late into the night all week, as usual, so we'd had difficulty finding time to see one another but we fortunately caught a break in the case we were working and I managed to slip away early enough to make reservations at a restaurant. I called her and asked if she was free for dinner that evening and fortunately she said yes – although later, she did tell me that she was supposed to be spending the night marking papers for her class the following day. It probably sounds very vanilla and lame but we had the most incredible time just talking and sharing stories of our lives. I found myself telling her things that I never tell my dates and she listened to me, accepted what I told her and never once made a big deal of the baggage I was carrying. She was kind and supportive, never patronising or false with her platitudes. I knew by the end of the evening that she was special, that she was different from the other people I'd dated. I didn't even kiss her goodnight, not properly. I dropped her off at her place, walked her to her door and kissed the back of her knuckles before promising I'd call her again, very soon. I wanted so badly to go inside with her, to kiss her and hold her and make love to her until neither of us knew what day of the week it was but I also wanted to make sure it would last first. I wanted to be sure that she was genuine, that she was as interested in the reality of my baggage and my job before I let myself get that involved with her – because I knew once I had her, once we were together in every sense, it would tear me apart to lose her." Tears were streaming down both women's cheeks as Liv completed her reminiscence, both their hearts aching for the loss of a truly special person. "In my dream, Sam told me that I could have that again, that I could find that love again if I just opened my eyes and my heart as I had done to her. She told me not to be blind to what was in front of me because I was too busy looking behind me."

"It's good advice but Liv, you know that it's coming from within you, don't you? That it's not really Sam coming back to you?" Alex cautioned.

"I know and I think my mind is trying to do what Sam wants me to do, to drive me forward to live in the here and now, look to the future and not constantly dwell on the past. Sam will always be a major influence on me, her love will always stay with me and I'd like to think she made me a better person but the best way I can honour what she gave me is to not waste my life pining for her. I need to deal with the fact that she's no longer here and start to look to the future… and part of that will be learning to live at my apartment again… without her. Alex, I appreciate you giving your home over to me more than you will ever know but I think I've realised that being here, being away from the constant reminders of the life I'd built with Sami, it's just delaying me dealing with her not being here anymore. I never shared this space with her, her things aren't everywhere to remind me that she once was there. I know it is going to be hard and it's going to hurt more than I should be able to bear but I _have_ to do it, to be able to truly say I am moving on and dealing with the fact I'll never see her again, never hold her in my arms again, never know what it would have been like to raise a family with her." Liv swiped at the tears coursing over her cheeks, dashing them away impatiently.

Alex swallowed thickly, her own voice choked with tears as she assured her friend she understood. "So long as you know you are always welcome here and there is no rush for you to move back to your apartment on my account. Why don't you try spending some time there alone, maybe even spend a night there by yourself with the understanding that if it's too much too soon, you can come back here for a while? And if you want to alternate for a bit, spend one night there, one night here, so it's not all at once, that's fine too." She had known it was only a temporary arrangement but the attorney had become quite accustomed to sharing her home with the brunette. "I'll miss you," she murmured quietly, not wanting to guilt her into staying but needing her to know that her presence had been appreciated.

"I'm not going far, Alex, we'll still see each other," Liv promised, her own heart clenching at the thought of not waking up there with the young blonde, as she had so many times since she'd been released from hospital. "And if you need me, for anything, no matter what time it is, just pick up the phone and we can talk or I'll come over."

"You'll promise to do the same?" Alex asked, her eyes allowing a tiny sliver of her desperation to show through at the prospect of their impending separation.

"I promise and perhaps, if you'd be willing, you could maybe spend the night there with me the first night I go back? I think, as hard as it will be, I'd get through it better with you there." Olivia pulled Alex to her where they sat, face to face at the dining table, capturing her in a warm embrace. The attorney returned the hug fiercely, a sob escaping despite her attempts to stifle it. "Hey, hey, it's ok. We won't let it make us drift apart again, I promise. I'm still going to be there for you, whenever you want me to be or need me to be and I'll still be reaching out to you every time I struggle or find myself faltering at all. Honestly, Alex, I'm not running away from you, from our friendship, I'm just doing what I need to do to make sure I can be there for you properly in the long term. We'll be ok, sweetheart."

Alex nodded against Liv's neck, knowing the older woman was speaking the truth but still not able to quell the pain that the separation would cause her. Pulling back a little, she asked, in a timid, childlike voice, "this isn't because I kissed you this morning is it?"

Olivia surprised her by erupting into spontaneous laughter. "Of course not! Why would you think that?"

"Just that… this, your decision to go back home… it seems out of the blue and I guess I was looking for a reason… something I'd done to make you think you had to leave," Alex admitted shyly, turning away from her friend and picking her pen back up from where it lay on her legal pad, twirling it nervously between her fingers.

"Alex, you haven't done anything to drive me away. On the contrary, you have been so supportive of me and guided me through this last few weeks better than anyone could have imagined. I meant what I said earlier, you are an inspiration to me and I know that I will get through this because I have friends like you and Gina and Fausto around me to help me." Liv refused to let Alex avoid her, gripping her chin lightly and bringing her face back around to meet her own concerned gaze, "please don't blame yourself for something where there is no blame to be laid." With a teasing grin, she continued, "and think on the bright side, you won't find me cluttering up your couch every time a nap attack strikes!"

"When will you go?" Alex asked plaintively, not willing to be coaxed from her sorrows just yet.

"In a couple of days I think. I'd like chance to get settled back at work and into the routine there and then I'll get out of your hair, if that's ok?" Liv replied, stroking a palm down Alex's cheek, cupping it gently and soothing her thumb across the underneath of a tired eye.

"Whatever you think is best," the attorney responded resignedly, rising from her chair and walking away, into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee. Liv watched her go with a worried sigh, concerned that Alex seemed to be taking her departure as a form of rejection, despite her assurances that it wasn't. Thinking back on their conversation at the bistro earlier in the day, Liv had to wonder if it was linked to Alex's struggle to re-find herself and her assertions that she only truly felt secure in who she was when Liv was around. She bolted from her seat, suddenly needing to reassure the younger woman that she would still be around enough for her to feel that way, that Alex wouldn't suddenly be cast adrift once more in a sea of uncertainty. The buzzing of the entry phone interrupted her plans though as Alex exited the kitchen when Liv entered, heading towards the device to see who was calling on them.

"Ms Cabot, I have a Detective Stabler here wishing to speak with Ms Benson," Jake, the doorman of the day, informed the tenant.

"Very good, send him up please, Jake." Alex replaced the receiver, turning to find she had an audience awaiting her. "Elliot's here to see you. I'll leave you two to it." Without waiting for a response, Alex stalked through her apartment and into her bedroom, closing the door firmly behind her. Olivia paced the in the entry hall as she waited for Elliot, her mind in turmoil as to whether she was doing the right thing leaving Alex. It appeared she may have overlooked how lonely and in need of companionship Alex herself was but she had no time to deal with that just then. Elliot was on his way up and Liv was dreading another confrontational discussion about her preference of sexual partner with the staunch Catholic. A knock on the door had her steeling herself before she granted entrance to the brawny detective.

"Hi Liv, is it a good time to talk?" Elliot asked as he stepped inside, seeming uncharacteristically unsure of himself.

"What are you doing here, Elliot?" Liv questioned in return, not willing to relax her guard.

"I came to apologise: for what I said the other day; for not being a better partner to you and noticing that you had something special going on with someone; for not taking the time to find out why you've seemed so happy, so settled over the last year or so; for letting my personal feelings and preconceptions taint my attempts to offer you my condolences. I talked to Kathy, a lot, since you left me there in that diner at lunch and she made me realise a few things, not least of which was how much of an ass I was to you, dismissing what you felt…feel… for Sam. I'm sorry that I undermined the strength of your relationship with her and if you feel like I diminished your grief, I just want you to know that that was honestly not my intention when I invited you out to lunch. Seeing you in the crib, so shut down, so angry and lashing out at Alex and Abbie, I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that look in your eyes and I hope to God I never see it again. That raw, untempered devastation… Liv, I'm so sorry." The muscular man kept his arms by his sides, his stance open and non-combative, attempting to illustrate his sincerity with every fibre of his being.

"I realise that my relationship with Sam goes against everything you believe in but to me, she was my everything Elliot and when I need my friends around me, you turned against me. First, you withdrew from me altogether and then when we did talk, you made me feel like I shouldn't feel the way I do. Can you even begin to imagine how you would feel if anything happened to Kathy? If one day you kissed her goodbye and the next time you saw her, she had a bomb strapped to her and you were faced with the choice of killing her or killing countless other people? Can you even dare to imagine what you would do in that situation? How you would handle it? Do you blame me for being angry? For feeling like there is absolutely no justice in the world? Or do you think that we brought it on ourselves by being two women in a relationship together?" Liv bombarded her partner with question after question, her voice rising with each one that passed her lips, heedless of the fact she hadn't invited him beyond the foyer of the apartment.

"It would kill me, Liv, if anything at all happened to Kathy so no, I can't begin to imagine what I'd do if I'd been in your position. The fact that you kept your head long enough to save those other people, despite the personal cost to you and Sam… it blows my mind, you held yourself together to do that. No, I don't blame you for being angry, you have every right to be pissed as all Hell that you lost Sam that way and I don't honestly think your pain is any less than anyone else's would be just because you're both women. I think a lot of my reaction came from not having known that you were with _anyone_, regardless of their gender. It drove home to me how far we've drifted apart. What happened to us, Olivia? We used to be solid." Elliot refused to be hounded out of the door, knowing it was cathartic for them to thrash out their differences away from work in the hopes that it wouldn't affect their ability to work alongside one another.

"People change. I've changed, I'm not the same person I was then. Too much has happened since then, I can't turn back the clock and be that person again just to please you. Even if I could, I don't think I'd want to. I was too closed off to life then, too content to let myself be a spectator to the world beyond my work." Liv adopted her frequently used pose, hands on her hips, elbows spread wide beside her body.

"I don't expect you to go back to being a workaholic with no life outside the precinct. You should know that would be the last thing I'd want for you. I just hope that, if you do ever find someone else you're willing to share your life with, you feel able to talk to me about it and know that I'll be happy for you," Elliot explained, imploring his partner to believe him.

"Even if that someone else is another woman? Because I… I think it would be," Liv admitted cautiously.

"So long as she's good for you and treats you right, yes. But if she doesn't, if she ever hurt you, she'd better expect a world of pain from me and the guys. You're our girl, Liv, we can't help but want to look out for you," Elliot responded openly before considering what his partner might be trying to tell him. "Is there someone else you have in mind?"

"What? Elliot, my lover was killed in front of me just three weeks ago and you think I've found someone to replace her already? That just proves you know nothing about how much pain her death is causing me…" Liv cried, horrified in no small part because she was in some ways guilty of considering another relationship given her intermittent thoughts of being with Alex in a less platonic way. The sounds of her renewed distress coaxed the blonde out of her bedroom, the attorney dashing to Liv's side and escorting her into the lounge.

"No…no that's not what I meant!" Elliot attempted to salvage the situation, studiously ignoring the icy glare he was getting from Alex. "You seemed to suggest that you knew you'd be with another woman when you're ready to get into another relationship. I just wondered what made you so sure, if you had had feelings for someone else that you might consider acting on once you're over what happened to Sam."

"Whether Olivia has had feelings for any other woman or not in the past, now is hardly the time to be discussing such things, Detective Stabler," Alex growled protectively even as her own jealously threatened to flare at the thought of Liv being attracted to another woman.

"No, it's not, I realise that. Oh hell Liv, I just want you to know I'll have your back, no matter what, ok? That's what I came here to say; that I'm sorry I was an ass and that it doesn't change anything for me, the fact that you chose – and may continue to choose – female lovers. I'm sorry for being so inarticulate that I just end up putting my foot in my mouth every time I try to talk to you about this. If you need anything, anything at all, I'm here for you ok?" Elliot stammered, watching the attorney attempt to soothe his partner and feeling suspicions pricking at the back of his mind as the two women leaned into one another's touch as though it was the most natural thing in the world. "Take care of her Counsellor, I'll let myself out before I make things any worse."


	35. Chapter 35

_**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**_

_**So this is it, last of the previously published chapters... Apologies for the lateness of this post today - it's actually 1.25am here and I've not long been back from singing at a 20th anniversary concert with my old children's choir! Been busy rehearsing earlier in the day, then getting the gladrags on and then performing with them to round off the concert. So since sleep is a way off yet thanks to adrenaline and Red Bull, I thought I'd slip this up online.**_

_**Thank you to everyone who has taken the time and trouble to read/review this story so far. Whilst the updates may slow down a little from here on in, the drama will continue for sure. I'm stunned that there are 205 reviews (and I had to laugh at the image of readers fighting to be the 200th reviewer! Thanks for that visual, NothingElseCompares) That this has prompted so many of you to leave your views is incredible to me, you all are awesome and all get a plate of cybercookies each. Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Thursday January 22<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**19.12**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

"Come on in Gina, Fausto. I'm so glad you could make it and I'm sorry it's taken this long for us to find an evening which suited us all for you to see where your daughter's now living," Olivia gushed as she greeted her lover's parents with a warm hug and a kiss for each of them. Her affections were returned heartily by both older Camanettis.

"You've no need to apologise, Olivia, we understand your work is unpredictable. Thank you for inviting us into your home," Gina acknowledged.

"You're welcome here any time, we're family so don't feel like you need to wait for an invitation. You know where it is now, any time you want to come over we'd be more than happy to see you." It warmed Gina's heart and brought a proud smile to Fausto's face to hear their daughter's partner so willingly including them in the life they were building together. So often in the past, Samia's partners had been jealous of the close relationship between herself and her parents but Olivia seemed determined to maintain that no matter what.

"Mama, Pops, what can I get you to drink?" Sam greeted enthusiastically, dropping a kiss on each of their cheeks as Liv busied herself with hanging up their jackets.

"I'll just have a water, thank you, sweetheart," Gina requested, stepping into the lounge area and casting an interested glance around her. The place was cosy and had a very homely feel, tempered with a certain sense of having been a bachelor pad until recent times.

"If there's any going, I'd love a coffee, please Samia," Fausto replied, following his wife and smiling at how nervous Olivia seemed despite her calm reassurances that they were welcome in the home she and his daughter shared.

"Let me show you around while Sam fixes the drinks. It's not much but it'll do at least until the lease runs out in a few months." Liv beckoned for the two restaurateurs to join her as she wandered from room to room, giving them a brief tour of her abode.

"You have a lovely home, Olivia. I know Sam very much enjoys being able to be here with you so much more than when she had her own apartment," Gina assured the worrisome brunette as they returned to the lounge.

Sam joined them and handed her father his coffee. "Not quite the gourmet standard you're used to Papa but hopefully it'll suffice." She indicated to Gina that her water was on the coffee table in front of the sofa as Liv invited their guests to take a seat.

"Dinner smells wonderful Sam," the older blonde cooed proudly, glad to see her daughter utilising some of the skills she had learned whilst growing up at Fausto's.

"Thanks Mamma, I decided on chicken Alfredo since I know you'll all eat that," Sam replied with a smile, sidling up to her girlfriend and slipping her arm around the brunette's slender waist. "What will you have to drink, sweetheart?"

"I'll just grab a soda. Why don't you sit down for a few minutes and take a break? You've been on the go ever since you got home from school." Liv waited until Sam acquiesced before asking, "how about you? What would you like to drink, honey?"

"A soda'd be great thanks, Liv," Sam decided with a grateful smile as she leaned back into the cosy armchair.

"How was school today, baby girl?" Gina enquired of her daughter, making herself comfortable on the worn sofa.

"It was ok, the kids were great as usual. One boy, Marcus, treated us all to an impromptu song in the middle of home room, which would have been adorable if I didn't have to ask him to stop when the lyrics became somewhat inappropriate! I asked him where he learned the song and he told me his fifteen year old cousin has come to stay with them for a while and let's him listen to music with him. The whole class had a little discussion about what is and isn't the kind of music we want them to be sharing in school. To say it was an eye opener when they listed some of the artists they listen to, many of them have parental guidance certificates on the sleeves of the CD's but I guess with modern technology they won't actually have to buy the CD, they can just download it so long as they have a means to pay. And I'd dare say a good percentage of them are more computer savvy than their parents." Sam murmured her thanks as Liv returned with two sodas. She watched the brunette place her own drink on the coffee table before perching on the arm of the chair in which Sam sat. Gentle fingers carded through her silky blonde locks, soothing the troubled frown from her face. "Hey Liv, I was meaning to ask you if you'd be available to pop into the school for an hour or so next week? We're having a career's day and some of the parents are coming in to talk about their jobs but I thought the kids might find it interesting to hear about being a police officer. Obviously I know you can't talk to them about the cases you investigate but I thought maybe you could chat with them about the training and what it's like being a police officer," Sam babbled nervously, wondering if she was asking too much of her lover.

"I'd be happy to if I can make it. What day is it, sweetheart and I'll check with the Captain. As long as I'm not due in court or anything, I'll hopefully be able to get away for a little while to come visit with your class," Liv agreed, eager to spend any time with her partner, no matter what the circumstances or how restrained they would have to be.

"It's Tuesday, the 27th. Does that ring any bells immediately? I mean, do you know your schedule for next week with regards court appearances?" Sam asked tentatively, scarcely believing the older woman had accepted the invitation so readily.

"Tuesday's good as far as I remember. I know I have court Monday afternoon and Thursday morning too I think but Tuesday isn't jarring in my mind like I'd be double-booking myself," Liv responded and dropped a gentle, chaste kiss onto Sam's crown. "Thank you for inviting me," she murmured, gratefully, smiling warmly at the young blonde.

"I'd better go and check on dinner," Sam stated, placing her hand on Liv's knee and using it as leverage to heave herself to her feet. "Why don't you three get yourselves settled at the table? It'll only be a few more minutes 'til I'm serving." Rising from her own seat on the chair arm, Liv wrapped her arms around Sam's slender waist from behind, giving her a quick squeeze.

"I love you," she whispered directly into the delicate shell of her ear.

"I love you too, babe," Sam replied with genuine affection before extracting herself a retreating to the kitchen. Gina and Fausto watched the exchange in contented silence. Each time they witnessed their daughter interacting with her partner, it became more and more obvious how deep the connection was that they shared. The matriarch strode over to where Liv remained gazing after her lover and linked arms with her, whisking her to the dining table to comply with Sam's instructions.

"Thank you, Olivia, for being so good for our daughter. This is the happiest I have ever seen my little girl and I am so grateful she has found such love in her life while she is so young and has so many wonderful years ahead of her," gushed the older blonde woman as she sank into a chair beside the detective.

"I'm grateful that Sami is so willing to put up with my crazy hours, my cranky, tired self and my pokey little apartment but I intend to cherish her and her love for as long as she is prepared to stick around. Your daughter makes me feel complete. When I'm with her, it doesn't matter how much horror and evil I've seen, she makes me see the brighter side of life, the good things, the things that are important. She's an exceptionally special woman and I intend to remind her of that, every day for the rest of her life if she'll let me."

"I will, Liv. For as long as you want me to be, I'm yours and yours alone," Sam vehemently announced from her position in the doorway, where she had lingered unnoticed for the majority of Olivia's speech. The teacher placed the steaming dish of food down in the centre of the table, its aroma tantalising the waiting trio. Before returning to the kitchen for the remainder of the side dishes, Sam leant down and captured Olivia's lips with her own in a brief but searing kiss. "You say the most amazing things and make me fall head over heels in love with you a little more each day."

"Ok, ok, let's get to the eating before I lose my appetite with all this sugary sweetness going on around here!" Fausto declared, the twinkle in his eye belying his grumbling words.

"Just because you don't tell me how much you love me anymore, old man, don't rain on your daughter's happiness," Gina rebuked her husband with a playful scowl.

"Oh darling wife of mine, you know I love you more than the air I breathe. Who else would put up with my cantankerous ass in a morning before that first, life-giving coffee of the day?" Fausto rejoined, winking at his wife as Liv and Sam fought to contain their mirth.

"Careful grumpy-butt, or you'll be making your own coffee from now on!" Gina threatened, swatting the mischievous man where he sat beside her on the opposite side to Olivia.

"Ooh, I'd apologize if I were you Papa, that's a threat I wouldn't like to see carried out," Sam joined in the gentle banter, taking a seat between Olivia and her father, opposite her mother.

"Nonsense, child. Your mother would suffer far more than I if she were to deprive me of her wonderful coffee. After all, without that to keep me alert, who would do all the manly chores around the place that she so hates to do, like dispensing of spiders, opening jars, laying the fire?" Fausto continued to dig his own grave, not phased in the slightest by being the only male in the room.

Liv chuckled, deciding it was high time to add her own two-cents worth to the mock argument. "Well, I'd be happy to step into the breach for you Gina with the spiders and the jars since I do a fair amount of that here and I'm sure Sami could assist with the fire."

Fausto clutched a hand to his chest, crying out, "et tu, Olivia? My heart bleeds at the betrayal! I thought us downtrodden spouses were supposed to stick together."

"You're even more of a foolish old man than I gave you credit for if you expected Liv to side with you and run the risk of incurring Samia's wrath." Gina shook her head sadly as she cast a despairing glance at her husband before humour got the better of her and she broke into a peel of laughter, soon followed by her fellow diners.

"Let's eat, before this goes cold or Papa says something he really will regret," Sam decided, reaching out to dish up a hearty serving of the Chicken Alfredo she had lovingly prepared, leaving each person to add their own trimmings and sides.

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday January 27<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**10.09**_

_**St Joseph's School, Brooklyn**_

"Next, we have an NYPD detective. Detective Benson, would you care to share with the class what your job involves?" Sam invited Olivia up to the front of the class, leaning heavily against her desk to prevent herself from swooning. The brunette had arrived at the school in full dress blues, at the command of Captain Cragen who had specific orders from the brass that she must wear her uniform if she was representing the NYPD at the school's careers day.

"Thank you Miss Camanetti. Good morning everyone, as Miss Camanetti said, I'm a police detective based in Manhattan. I knew right from when I was about your age that I wanted to be a police officer so that I could help people and try to stop bad things from happening." Olivia continued to talk to her captive audience about what it was like to be an officer of the law, the training involved and some of the more child-friendly stories she could share, such as helping reunite lost children with their parents.

When the brunette had finished, Sam invited the class to ask any questions they might want answering about what Liv had told them. Numerous hands shot up in the air so one by one, Sam picked out a handful of children to have their questions answered, mindful of the time.

"Do you always wear that uniform?" one young boy, Michael asked, his face wrinkled in disgust at the thought of having to wear something so formal all the time.

"No, not always. Usually, because I'm a detective, I wear normal pants and a blouse or t-shirt. The police you see in the squad cars with the lights on top, they have to wear a uniform but not as fancy as this one. This is what's called our dress uniform and we wear this on special occasions when we need to look at our smartest," Liv informed him with a gentle smile.

"Do you work a lot of the time? My uncle is a policeman and he never gets to come to dinner with us anymore because he's always working," Anton intoned with a sigh.

"We do sometimes have to work a lot of hours, yes, but it's worth it to make sure all of you are safe and won't be hurt by any bad people."

Jaime raised her hand excitedly, remembering Olivia from the Fourth of July fireworks. "Hi Olivia, how many bad people have you arrested?"

"Hiya sweetie," Liv beamed, remembering the exuberant girl as the same one who had shown her the way to Sam at the fireworks. She watched as a few heads turned in awe towards Jaime, impressed that she knew the detective already. "There have been so many bad people I've arrested that I can't remember how many there were. I've been a police officer for so long now, since before you were born."

Another hand went up, requesting an answer. "Have you ever shot someone?"

Liv paused a moment before answering that one, considering her response carefully. "I have had to shoot people on a few occasions but only when there was no other choice. It's not something police officers do unless they have to, to keep other people or themselves safe."

"Have you seen dead bodies?" a voice called prompting a chorus of 'ews' to reverberate around the room.

"I have, unfortunately and when we do have to investigate someone's death, we try to find out what happened to them and who hurt them so that no one else suffers the same way," Liv replied, with emphasis on the positive part of her job rather than the all too often heartbreak that their involvement signalled.

"OK, that's all we have time for. Can we all give Detective Benson a round of applause and thank her for coming in to talk to us today?" Sam requested before the children could stray into any murky territory regarding Olivia's work. Ripples of applause sounded throughout the classroom along with a well practiced chant of thanks. The bell sounded for recess and the kids all scurried to gather their belongings and head out into the yard, buzzing with the excitement of a break from their normal routine of lessons and gym classes.

"Thanks… for rescuing that before the questions got too gory," Liv murmured as she hovered close to the young teacher's desk.

"You're welcome. Thank you for coming and talking to them, I think you really inspired a few of them to consider being a police officer when they're older." Stepping closer, Sam whispered, "I have to admit, seeing you in that uniform is pretty inspiring for me too."

"Somehow, I suspect your thoughts are not so pure and innocent as those of your class," Liv stated on a low hum, her voice intimate and inviting even as their body language remained neutral and professionally detached.

"Would you like a tour of my classroom before you go? I have a cosy little store cupboard where I keep my personal coffee pot," Sam added as though incentive were needed.

"Hmm, well since my phone has been cooperatively quiet, how can I refuse an offer like that?" The brunette followed the teacher, struggling to maintain a suitable distance between herself and her lover, suppressing growls of frustration as they were stopped by parent stragglers who just had to have a final word with their offspring's tutor. It took a few minutes to navigate the short distance but once they stepped across the threshold into the store cupboard, Liv breathed in deeply as Samia closed the door behind them, drinking in the heady mixture of her lover's scent and freshly brewing coffee. Her eyes fluttered shut involuntarily and Sam spied her opportunity, closing the tiny distance between them and capturing the older woman's lips with her own in a passionate kiss that spoke volumes.

"God Liv, you have no idea what it does to me seeing you in your dress blues. When you walked into class, it took everything I had in me not to throw you down on the desk and take you right there – innocent eyes be damned!" Sam groaned quietly, hyper aware of their close proximity to the classroom and hallway beyond it but needing to exorcise some of her arousal if she was to achieve anything productive during the rest of the day.

Liv hissed as Sam's hips ground against her, pressing their pelvises together sensually as the kiss deepened. Her arms wrapped around the petite blonde's waist, bringing her closer still, moulding their bodies to one another in a practiced dance. When the need for air asserted itself, each drew back only slightly, their foreheads resting together as they smiled at one another. "Wow, that was a nice thank you!" Liv murmured, breathlessly. "Should I be worried you're going to jump every cop who happens to cross your path?" she joked.

"Oh no, there's only one who fills out their uniform well enough to invoke this response in me, Officer," Sam stated coyly, fluttering her eyelashes and adopting an overly innocent expression.

"What's her name? I'll kick her ass for distracting your attentions." Olivia adopted a faux-macho stance, dramatically looking around her, even though they were alone.

"Really? How are you at kicking your own ass then?" Sam smirked. "And whilst seeing you in that uniform does unspeakable things to me, right now I'm more interested in seeing you out of it, at least partially." As she spoke, Sam allowed her hands to trail down to the waistband of her girlfriend's smartly pressed pants, unsnapping the button fastening and lowering the zipper painfully slowly.

"There isn't time," Liv begun to protest, her words fading into a low keening hum as deft fingers slid their way between her folds.

"There is if you act a little more and talk a little less," Sam commanded, her free hand gripping Olivia's wrist and directing the detective to mimic her own actions.

Even as she complied, drawing her fingers through copious wetness between Sam's legs, Liv attempted to be the voice of reason once again, "baby, if we get caught you could lose your job."

"Then we'll just have to be quiet and quick and make sure we don't get caught won't we, sweetheart?" Sam, it seemed, had a readily available answer for ever protest Liv threw out there. Knowing that she was fighting a losing battle and not really opposing the course of action in the slightest, Liv focused her attention on providing her lover with the contact and stimulation needed to fulfil her. For long moments, the only sounds were their shared pants and an occasional soft moan. As she felt the first fluttering of her partner's impending orgasm, Liv clamped her mouth over Sam's, knowing they were both going to have difficulty stifling their cries when they came. Sam hungrily suckled Olivia's tongue when it invaded the warm cavern of her mouth, teasing the organ and massaging it with her own in a sensual dance. They bucked against one another convulsively as they climaxed just seconds apart, swallowing down the sounds of their shared ecstasy as best they could.

Liv was the first to extract her fingers, pulling them gently from Samia's core, knowing they had no time to linger. She brought the digits coated in Sam's juices to her lips, erotically cleansing them of all traces of the younger woman with a satisfied smile. The display spiked the blonde's arousal once more so Sam decided to have a little fun of her own with the smug detective. She made to remove her own fingers from where they had remained in Liv's hot, tight core but curled them as she withdrew, tickling the sensitive inner wall of her lover's core. The move left the older woman gasping as another shock of orgasm rippled through her in the wake of the surprise assault..

"That was unfair," whined Olivia once she had recovered sufficiently, her voice low and gravelly and igniting further thrills of desire in the young, blonde teacher.

"Nor was making me watch you clean your fingers like that so I'd say we're pretty even now." Sam fully removed her hand from Liv's pants and crossed the room, on legs still weakened from the strength of her orgasm, to the small sink in the corner. She thoroughly washed her hands with sweet scented soap, taking care to remove all evidence of her tryst before stepping aside to allow Liv to do the same. Liv was just drying her hands when a knock sounded at the store room door.

Mr Jackson poked his head around the door when invited to enter, doing a double take when he saw that Sam was not alone. "Detective Benson, we meet again. To what do we owe this… pleasure?" The tone of his voice made it obvious he was less than pleased to see the brunette.

"Olivia came to talk to the students as part of our Careers' Day activities," the teacher supplied confidently, pouring herself a mug of coffee casually and brandishing the pot at the detective in a non-verbal invitation to join her. After receiving a shake of the head from Olivia, Sam returned the pot to its stand to keep warm. "What can I do for you, Mr Jackson?"

"I uh… I need to speak to you about one of your students," the principal replied, flicking a glance at the visitor and making it abundantly clear that she was not welcome to be party to the conversation.

"I'd better be getting back to the precinct, see what havoc my partner's got himself into while I've been a way. Thanks for letting me speak to the kids today, you've got some real characters in your class, Sam. I'll speak to you soon. Nice to meet you again, Mr Jackson. If you'll excuse me," Olivia slid past the objectionable headmaster, studiously avoiding bodily contact despite his reluctance to move out of her way. At the door, she cast one final glance at her lover and then stepped out into the classroom and made her way from the school, mind lost in what she and Sam had shared just a short time ago.

"People talk, Miss Camanetti and I'm not sure I like the things I'm hearing. Some of the parents have expressed concerns to me about the nature of your relationship with Detective Benson and then I find you and her closeted in here together. Do the parents have cause for their concerns? Are you and that woman conducting a sexual relationship?" Mr Jackson spouted pompously.

"With respect, so long as it doesn't interfere with my ability to do my job, I don't see that it is anyone else's business what I do in my own time," Sam barked defensively, hackles rising at the insinuation that her relationship with Olivia could undermine her work.

"We have a reputation to uphold, Miss Camanetti, and each member of the faculty must be above reproach on every front if they wish to continue to work at St Joseph's. Don't let me catch you fraternising with your…whatever you call her… on work premises or work's time again and if one more parent raises an objection to having a lesbian teach their son or daughter, I will have no choice but to put forward the complaints to the board of directors. If that happens, expect your contract to be terminated with immediate effect. These are young, fragile, malleable minds we are in charge of leading and moulding here, I'm sure you will agree that we cannot be seen to condone any form of perversion or deviant behaviour."

"And that's what you think I am? Some kind of deviant who will warp the minds of the kids I teach? If any of the parents have an issue with the way I teach their children, please direct them to speak to me directly about it. That way, I can address the issues and hopefully reassure them that the intellectual and emotional development of their son or daughter is safe in my hands. If you personally have issue with your suspicion that I am conducting a lesbian relationship with another adult woman, then by all means take that to the board of directors but do it honestly and don't hide behind the guise of complaints from parents. Now was that all, or did you really need to speak to me regarding one of my students?"


	36. Chapter 36

_**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**_

_**Dun dun dun... brand new chapter, never before published online :) Thanks as always for the reviews, the reads and the alert adds for this story. Your continued support gives me added incentive to see where the muse is planning on taking this tale. Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday February 24<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**16.34**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

Alex rubbed tiredly at her temples as she dropped her pen to the jotter on the desk in front of her. Fatigue was holding her hostage, rendering her unable to concentrate or focus on the work she needed to get done. Her mind kept drifting back to the conversation she had had with Olivia the previous Sunday, where Liv had announced she would be returning to her own apartment imminently and each time, her heart clenched anew with dread and sorrow. She had had nightmares the previous two nights since that conversation, tortured dreams of finding Liv's body at the apartment she had shared with Sam. Sometimes cause of death was obviously self inflicted but on other occasions it had been at the hands of the same entity responsible for Sam's demise. Each time she had awoken in a cold sweat, she had lain awake for hours, silently sobbing and trembling beneath her covers, refusing to wake the older woman and seek comfort lest it put too much pressure on her. Consequently, the sleep deprivation was now taking its toll on her but she knew she had to press on, had to keep Olivia in the dark about how much the thought of her returning home haunted her. Resting her elbows on her desk, the attorney allowed her head to drop forward into her hands, eyes fluttering shut as she rested for just a moment, trying to marshal some reserves of energy from somewhere.

A knock on her office door startled her into alertness. Though she had no conscious reference for how much time had passed since she closed her eyes, the fact that the shadows in the room had lengthened considerably suggested that it was more than the mere few seconds she had intended it to be.

"Come in," she called, scrubbing a hand over her face to erase the last vestiges of her inadvertent nap.

"Hey Alex, do you have a minute?" Abbie's tousled raven hair spilled over her shoulder as the Texan leant in through the barely open door.

"Sure Abbie, what can I do for you? Any developments in the case against O'Keefe?" the blonde attorney asked wearily, leaning back in her chair as she watched her co-Counsel settle herself in one of the visitors' seats opposite.

"No, that's the problem. The investigation has reached a bit of a dead end, for the moment at least. They can't find conclusive evidence linking O'Keefe to the bombs nor can they find the man himself to answer any of their questions. It's like he's disappeared – there's suspicion he may have travelled on a false passport to Ireland but again, nothing concrete enough to warrant spending a lot of man hours chasing up vague possibilities of leads. The wider family, Edward O'Keefe's parents, are keeping very tight-lipped about the whereabouts of Kieran O'Keefe. My bosses have called me back to Washington until such a time as fresh evidence of O'Keefe surfaces and Sykes and Morientes can haul him in for questioning." Abbie crossed her legs, draping one slender calf over her other knee, the short dark skirt she wore riding up to mid-thigh and offering a tantalising display of bronze flesh. Her frustration was evident in her tone and in the deep set scowl marring her pretty face.

"So you're heading home." It was a statement of fact, not a request for clarification. "When are you flying out?"

"Tomorrow, mid-afternoon. Apparently, there's a case breaking that needs all available personnel working on it, something big with far reaching consequences, involving a couple of judges," Abbie informed the other woman, fixing her with an appraising gaze. "You look like Hell, Alex. Care to share whatever it is that's on your mind?"

"I'm fine, just tired is all," Alex dodged, averting her eyes and refusing look directly at the inquisitive brunette seated on the other side of her desk.

Abbie scoffed, "yeah, and I'm the Queen of England. Come on, pack up, we're going getting a drink and don't even think about arguing because even if I have to drag you out, you're coming with me."

"Abbie, I can't…" Alex began only to be cut off.

"What did I just say about arguing?" Abbie burst to her feet and rounded the desk, towering menacingly over the younger woman as though about to make good on her threat.

"Fine, I'll drink but don't think that it means I'll pour my heart out to you," Alex groused, tidying her desk up hurriedly lest the Texan offer her practical assistance in that department too. As she stood, Abbie stepped a little closer, reaching out and pulling the blonde woman to her, wrapping her in a tight hold.

"Don't destroy yourself over whatever it is that has you so worked up. You mean too much to too many people." Pulling back slightly so she could look into the drawn, pale face of her companion, Abbie cupped both cheeks in her palms and squeezed them gently, offering an affectionate smile. "Would you rather go straight home? You look like all you want to do is crawl into bed and sleep for a week."

"If only it were that easy," muttered a sullen Alex, tearing herself away from Abbie's tender hold before it proved to be her undoing. "Where are you taking me for this drink then? You do realise you're paying, right?"

"Oh I see how it is, you have the unlimited trust fund but you're still going to sponge off the blue collar workers," Abbie teased, giving Alex the respite she seemed to be requesting through her retreat and change of subject. "I thought we could head over to Mulligan's. It should be fairly devoid of the usual noisy crowd until later in the evening. Or is there some place else you'd prefer?"

"Mulligan's is fine. Lead the way, Ms Carmichael."

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday February 24<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**17.21**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

"Come on Detective, time you were heading home for the day," Captain Cragen instructed as he stepped out of his office, his own jacket draped over his forearm. "I'll walk out with you," he pressed, making it clear he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Give me two minutes, Captain and I'll be right behind you," Liv stalled, making all the right moves to clear her desk and prepare to leave even though she had no intention of finishing work for another few hours. Things at the apartment with Alex were tense, had been ever since she had told her of her plan to return home so she had no burning desire to return to the apartment for another frosty evening until she had to.

"That's ok, I'll wait," Cragen replied, knowing his sole female detective too well to think she would leave if he didn't escort her out. With a resigned sigh, Liv began to pack up her day's work in earnest, locking case files in her drawer and grabbing her black suede jacket from the back of her chair.

"Let's go then," she said as she rose to her feet. She pulled the jacket on as they walked the short distance to the elevator, pulling her shoulder length hair out of the collar and running a hand through it to get it to lie where was most comfortable for her.

The elevator arrived and when the doors closed, for a few moments at least, she was alone with her boss. He took advantage of that, remaining forward facing, his face a stoic mask as he asked, "how are you finding being back?"

"It's getting easier though it's frustrating not being able to get out in the field," Olivia replied, leaning against the far wall, arms crossed over her chest in a typical defensive pose.

"All in good time, Liv," Cragen assured softly. "I've noticed a little tension between you and Elliot, is everything ok there? Anything I should be worried about?"

"We're fine, sir. Just agreeing to disagree on how I should grieve the loss of my fiancée. We'll work it out and neither of us will let it compromise our work," Liv hastened to assure her boss, not wanting to give him cause to re-evaluate either of their roles within SVU.

"Let me know if he doesn't come around or if it doesn't work itself out, before it becomes a problem that impedes your ability to do the job." Cragen waited for his detective to acknowledge the order before asking, "how are things at Alex's?"

"Alex has been great but… I'm going to move back to my apartment at the weekend. There's no reason, physically, that I need to be with someone else now and I don't want to put too much pressure on our friendship and risk ruining that." The brunette was surprised at just how much her heart rate increased at the thought of leaving her temporary sanctuary but she continued to convince herself that it was for the best, that it was what she _had_ to do if she was ever to get past the intense pain of losing Samia.

"Physically, I agree that you're ready to resume your life but are you sure you are in the right place emotionally to handle being surrounded by so many memories of Sam and not have someone there to help you? Have you considered asking Alex to stay with you, at least for the first few days?"

Olivia looked horrified at the idea of putting her friend out in such a manner. "I can't do that to her, it's too much. Besides, I only have the one room at my apartment and I don't think it would do either of us any good to sleep on the couch."

"What about the threat to your life? Whoever it is knows where you live, don't you think it would be wiser to stay where you are until they're caught? Won't it cause all of us more worry if you're such an easy target?" Don attempted to make his surrogate daughter see the sense in what he was saying but her shut down expression left him with little hope that he was making any headway.

"I think the person responsible for Sam's death has got exactly what they want from it. Keeping me alive is far greater torture than killing me would be and if they know anything about me, if they have been keeping tabs on me at all since her death, they will know that and my continued presence at Alex's will only serve to put her in harm's way. I don't fear what they might do to me, neither should any of you." As soon as the doors opened when they reached the ground floor, Olivia sprung out of the elevator and with a hurried 'bye' to the Captain, she bolted from the precinct.

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday February 24<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**22.26**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Abbie propped Alex against her as she located the key to the apartment and let them both inside. The attorney was barely conscious and struggling to hold her own body weight upright. The two drinks which Alex had consumed had not been that potent but Abbie guessed that combined with the almost crushing fatigue the younger woman carried, it had been enough to lull her into a semi-comatose state. Abbie had had to practically drag her from the cab which had ferried them back to Alex's home and the blonde was busily making herself at comfortable using Abbie's shoulder as a pillow as she attempted to steer them through the now open apartment door.

"C'mon Alex, help me out here a little would you? We're almost there, you can lay down and sleep all you want to in a couple of minutes but you gotta walk a little ways first," Abbie cajoled, desperation evident in her voice. Two attaché cases plus one almost-dead-weight attorney had her arms and legs burning from the exertion. Quiet footsteps approached, just in time to catch Alex's response.

"I don't wanna sleep, I want you to fuck me. Fuck me so hard I forget…about everything."

"Oh…umm…I uh…I was going to see if you needed any help but I see you have it…" Olivia muttered, blushing at what she assumed she had interrupted.

"Don't you dare tell me I have this under control or in hand or any other trite bull. Get your ass over here and give me a hand getting our friend here into bed where she will be _sleeping_, alone I might add," the Texan growled, dropping both Alex's and her own attaché just inside the door so she could fend off Alex's amorous advances.

"How much has she had to drink?" Liv barked, assuming the brunette had been neglectful in her duties of caring for Alex. She wrapped an arm around the young woman's slim waist, taking a good portion of the weight to relieve her friend.

"_She_ is right here, you know?" Alex stated haughtily before returning her attentions to trying to latch her lips onto Abbie's neck and jaw.

"Two drinks; a glass of wine and a fruity looking cocktail thing – which I sampled and whilst it had a fair amount of alcohol in it, it was by no means strong enough to induce this alone. What you're looking at, Detective, is the result of sleep deprivation, severe stress and a lack of sufficient food which combined with the aforementioned drinks has rendered our dear Alexandra… like this." Abbie hissed as Alex's teeth clamped down on part of her jaw, nibbling in what she thought was a playful manner but was in reality simply painful. "Alex, stop." The order was issued harshly as Abbie attempted to cut through the stupor which had taken hold of the usually sensible attorney.

"I've never seen her like this before," Olivia admitted, opting to sweep the lithe blonde off her feet and carry her the remaining distance to her bedroom to spare Abbie any further overtures. She braced herself as her ribs and surgery site reminded her of her physical limitations but strode out confidently even as Alex squirmed and objected to being manhandled in such a manner.

"Put me down. I said PUT ME DOWN… this minute or I'll…" Alex trailed off into an undignified squeak as Olivia tossed her onto the comforter-covered bed.

"You gonna manage to undress yourself?" Abbie asked, hovering in the doorway, not in any hurry to enter the room fully.

Leaning up and clumsily managing to prop herself on her elbows, Alex levelled the attractive brunette with a sultry gaze. "I think I might need a little help. Think you're up to the task?"

"Alex, it's not happening, not tonight, ok? Not when you're so exhausted you can barely remember your own name and you're not fully aware of what you're doing." Abbie's voice softened, although her position never altered from her seemingly casual leaned stance against the doorjamb. "I think I should head back to the hotel, will you be ok to take care of her, Liv?"

"You're not leaving," Alex cried, stubbornly attempting to lever herself up off the bed but her limbs proved to be awkward and uncooperative. Frustrated, she slumped down onto her back, staring at the ceiling with tears welling up in her eyes.

"We'll be fine, Abs. Go do what you have to do." Liv dropped to the bed beside her friend, reaching out to soothe her distress but was foiled when Alex rolled away from her and curled up on her side facing away from both brunettes. Turning back, Olivia saw Abbie torn between offering her own comfort, even though she knew it would lead to regrets in the morning, and doing what was right. "It's ok Abbie, I'll take good care of her."

"Thanks Liv. I'll phone in the morning to check how things are before I head to the airport," Abbie murmured and turned to leave.

"Wait, what? You're leaving? As in leaving New York, leaving?" Liv asked stunned, following her friend out of the bedroom. "Is that what this is about? Why Alex is like this? What about the case?"

"I've been called back to Washington. There's nothing I can do here, at least not for the time being but as soon as there are any developments, I'll be on the first plane back, I promise. I won't neglect my part in bringing whoever is responsible for Sam's death to justice, Olivia, you have my word on that. But there are other cases that need my attention. As for what led to this," Abbie indicated the immobile woman still curled into a foetal position in the bedroom a short distance away, "I have no idea what's prompted it. Alex wouldn't talk to me about it and every time I tried to ask her questions, she either clammed up or changed the subject. She's almost as good as you for avoiding issues she doesn't want to discuss but if I were to hazard a guess, I'd say whatever it is that's troubling her pre-dates my informing her that I was going back to Washington. I found her looking exhausted in her office, that was why I dragged her out to have a drink with me. I'd hoped that she'd open up and talk about whatever it is that's causing her so much stress."

"I'll try to get her to talk to me. Unfortunately, I can't make any promises, I seem to be being frozen out myself," Liv admitted with a worried glance in Alex's direction.

"Since when? I thought you two were close?" Abbie queried, fixing Olivia with an unwavering glare, wondering what had gone on and whether it had contributed to Alex's current state.

"A couple of days ago, I mentioned that I'd be moving back to my apartment soon. I need to… I need to get used to the pain of being there without Sami and staying here… it just means I can hide from that part of my new reality. Until I face it, until I accept that she'll never walk through our front door again or mess up the kitchen as she cooks up one of her glorious feasts, I can't really move on with my life. I thought Alex would understand that but ever since, she's been distant and often cold. Things have been tense between us." The brunette fidgeted with an imaginary thread at the cuff of her well worn sweatshirt as she studiously avoided Abbie's gaze.

"For an intelligent woman, not to mention a detective, you can be incredibly dense sometimes. Have you stopped to think that Alex might actually like having you here? After being on her own for so long in and out of Witness Protection, she might actually appreciate the company? She's probably hurting because you're not going to be around anymore but she probably also feels guilty for feeling that way and doesn't want to tell you that in case you feel obliged to stay." Abbie blew out a deep sigh, checking her watch before telling Olivia, "I'll go and have a word with her but then I think you and she need to talk some more about this. I'm not happy about you going back home and being on your own Liv, I gotta tell you, not after how you were a few days ago. What happens if you get that way again and there's no one there to help you pick up the pieces? I understand why you feel you need to but does it have to be all or nothing? Can't you try spending one night here and then the next there, at least for a while? Think of it as conditioning yourself to being back around all those memories and an opportunity to let Alex get used to you not being here too."

"I'll think about it but Alex might want me gone as soon as possible now. She won't let me near her, not physically and certainly not emotionally," Liv bowed her head, expression one of deep sorrow and regret for not being more sensitive to her friend's needs when the younger woman had been nothing but mindful of her own.

"Don't be so sure of that. When she's slept some and is thinking more rationally, I'm sure she would be the first to tell you she understands and supports what you're trying to do, at least from a theoretical point of view. Let me talk to her. Why don't you fetch her a glass of water? She may just need that to flush some of the alcohol from her system." Abbie waited until the detective had stepped away to the kitchen before re-entering the bedroom and crossing the short distance to where Alex lay in the middle of the bed. She had rolled over onto her back and was motionless, staring at the ceiling, legs dangling of the edge limply.

"You said you were leaving," came the accusation, the low timbre of Alex's voice carrying the sound like tiny daggers of betrayal.

"I still am but I wanted to check you were ok before I went," Abbie advised softly, stepping deliberately towards the prone woman on swift feet, knowing their time was limited before Olivia returned. "Liv tells me she's planning on going back to her apartment. Is that what's brought this on, Alex? The fact that she's leaving?"

"What does it matter? It was only ever temporary," Alex intoned flatly, not even attempting to feign being unmoved by it any longer.

"It was but that doesn't mean you haven't gotten used to her being here or come to be comfortable sharing your home with her." Abbie sat on the edge of the bed beside Alex's draped legs, twisting to look at her and placing her palm on the blonde's closest leg just above her knee. "Sweetheart, it's ok to admit you're going to miss the company but this, bottling everything up inside, it's not doing you any good. You're making yourself ill. Now I've said this to Liv and I'm saying it to you too: Talk to one another, properly. Be honest with her about how you're feeling…"

Abbie was cut off as Alex cried, "I can't! How can I tell her that I don't want her to go back home because I'm terrified she'll decide it's too hard to go on or someone else will come back and finish what they started when they killed her lover? How can I tell her that my love for her makes it unbearable for me to think of her being alone and having no one to turn to? I see it every night when I close my eyes; Liv lying dead in her apartment and every night it breaks my heart just that bit more. How can I tell her that without making her feel like she has to stay just to appease my paranoia? How would I live with myself if I held her back and stopped her from being able to move on because of my selfishness?"

"Alex, you have to find a way to talk to her about this because by doing what you're doing, you're risking driving a wedge between the two of you which will prevent her from reaching out to you if she _does_ need someone. Liv thinks you want her to go as soon as possible. She's under the impression you're withdrawing from her and, from what I can tell, she has no idea why but I think I do. I think you're scared of doing something inappropriate because of how you feel about her. Unrequited love is a pisser to go through Alex but she's your friend and she's hurting almost more than she can bear right now. She needs you to get beyond your own hang-ups and to be there for her. Don't drive her away forever because of some misguided noble intention. You're a good person, trust yourself not to take advantage of her. Trust yourself to be a friend to her in the way that she needs you to be. If it's meant to be, it will happen but only when the time is right and if you stop pushing her away. Don't run from her again Alex, I honestly don't think she could take it a third time." Abbie rose from her perch on the bed, leaning down to place a tender, chaste kiss against the attorney's blonde hair before turning to leave.

The two brunettes met in the doorway to Alex's room, Olivia carrying a tall tumbler full of water, Abbie beating her retreat.

"Any joy talking to her?" Liv asked quietly, keeping her tone hushed in the hopes that Alex wouldn't overhear their conversation.

"Perhaps, though I think I did more of the talking than she did but I hope I've given her something to think about at least. Talk to one another, tomorrow. For now, I think letting her sleep is the best thing." Abbie smiled sadly as she brushed a hand down Liv's arm, squeezing her wrist gently before stepping out into the hallway and making her exit.

Liv glanced at the blonde attorney, who had once again turned away from the doorway and was curled up in the centre of her bed. It made her look vulnerable and childlike, not at all like the brash, confident, cool demeanour she projected on a daily basis. Crossing the room on silent feet, Liv slid the tumbler onto the nightstand before perching herself back on the edge of the bed.

"You'd be more comfortable getting into your pyjamas and beneath the covers, Al. Want me to sit with you for a while until you get to sleep?"

"I don't need babysitting," Alex snapped bitterly, rolling herself off the bed and stalking over to her closet, steadfastly keeping her head turned away from her friend to hide the tears streaming down her pale cheeks.

"I know but I also know that it sometimes helps to not be alone when you're trying to get to sleep if you're already feeling down," Liv clarified, referring to the number of nights she had fallen asleep herself in Alex's company after a nightmare. Tentatively she rose from her place on the bed, closing the distance between herself and the aloof blonde. As she drew closer, she became aware of the tiny tremors wracking Alex's body, the miniscule shaking of her shoulders. Liv wrapped her arms around the attorney's tiny waist from behind, attempting to gather her in close and offer her comfort but Alex ripped herself out of the embrace, fleeing to the sanctity of her en-suite bathroom and locking the door behind her. Admitting at least a temporary defeat, Olivia called softly through the barrier, "OK, I'll leave you to it. I'm just down the hall though Alex, if you change your mind any time." The detective shuffled off towards the guest bedroom, shoulders slumped with the weight of her concern for her friend and the myriad confusing thoughts spiralling through her head. Was it really the right decision to move back home? Had it been a knee-jerk reaction to the kiss she and Alex had shared? Could she handle being engulfed by so many reminders of Sam? Was she ready to face up to the fact her home was now just an empty apartment once again? Vowing to sleep on it and see if the answers were any more forthcoming in the morning, Liv changed into her nightclothes and climbed under the covers herself.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Wednesday February 25<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**05.15**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Liv padded through the hallway towards the kitchen in search of a glass of water. She had awoken a few moments earlier from the longest sleep she could remember having in weeks. There had been no phone calls in the middle of the night to wake her, no nightmares of sufficient magnitude to disturb her slumber and if Alex had woken at any point, she had been too quiet for it to penetrate Olivia's unconscious mind. She had to admit, she did feel better for the rest. Her mind was easier, more settled, more ready to thrash out whatever was happening between herself and Alex and determined not to let it damage their friendship. As she entered the kitchen, faint sounds of typing drifted through from the dining room, sounds which halted as soon as the typist became aware of a presence in the kitchen. Filling a tumbler from the filter jug in the fridge, Liv strolled through in search of her friend.

"Morning, have you been up long?" she asked, even though the briefest of glances in Alex's direction could answer her enquiry. The attorney's hair was scraped back messily into a bun, black rimmed glasses shielded her eyes but did little to hide the ever darkening smudges beneath which telegraphed her fatigue for all to see. Those eyes were also red-rimmed, suggesting prolonged spells of tears or too much time sat in front of the laptop screen Alex was still fixatedly staring at.

"A while. Sorry if I disturbed you," Alex murmured, never taking her eyes off the screen.

"You didn't, I just woke up needing a drink. Now I am awake though, do you think we could talk?" Liv lowered herself into one of the dining chairs, leaving a respectable distance between herself and the attorney so as not to crowd the younger woman.

"There's nothing to say, Liv. I know you need to go back home at some point, I've always known that. I… I hope everything goes well for you but if you need a break… from the memories or some company, you'll always have a room ready and waiting here," Alex murmured, still not making eye contact with the brunette.

"Alex? Al, look at me, please," Liv instructed gently, waiting until the other woman complied before continuing. "We do need to talk. I feel like there's suddenly this… chasm between us and I can't reach you anymore. I don't want to lose you Alex, I don't want to lose your friendship and I'm really sorry if I've hurt you somehow. I never intended to and I never wanted to make you feel like I had taken what you've done for me over the last few weeks for granted. You're my best friend and I will never be able to repay your kindness, your consideration, the support you've given me since Sam's death. And I'm not too proud to admit that I'm still going to need you, even when I go back to my apartment, perhaps even more so." Liv ran a hand through her bed-mussed hair, frowning at the almost glazed look on Alex's face. "How much did you actually sleep last night?" she asked concernedly.

"A little. If you'll excuse me, I need to get ready for work," Alex dodged, pushing her chair backwards from the table, the feet grinding loudly against the wooden flooring.

Liv surged to her feet, determined to prevent the younger woman from fleeing again. "No! There's plenty of time before you have to leave for work, Lex. Talk to me. Do you want me to leave sooner? Are you trying to get me to go home already? Because that's the impression I'm getting from you; that I've outstayed my welcome and you're sick of me."

"I can't… please don't do this…" Alex cried, turning on her heel and dashing into the lounge area, intent on sheltering in the privacy of her bedroom until it was time to leave for work.

"Can't do what? Alex? Alex, please what is it that you think you can't do?" Liv called, sprinting through the kitchen and intercepting the blonde before she could shut herself away.

"No!" Alex tried to sidestep the detective but Liv used her years on the job to easily catch and hold on to the struggling attorney. "Let me go," Alex whimpered.

"I can't do that. I can't let you keep doing this to yourself. What is it, Alex? What is causing you so much anxiety?" Olivia steadfastly kept her arms wrapped around the squirming form in her grasp.

It was almost as if the dam which had been holding Alex back had broken, such was the instant change in her disposition. Gone was the fight and the fire, replaced by deep wracking sobs as the lithe blonde clung tightly to Liv as though afraid of drowning if she dared to let go.

"I'm scared," Alex hiccoughed through her tears.

"What of, sweetheart?" Liv coached gently, stroking a soothing hand over the trembling back of her friend.

"You'll hate me… if I tell you, you'll… you'll…" Alex made another feeble, half-hearted attempt to extract herself from Olivia's hold before she was rejected.

"Hey, stop, don't say that. Honey, I won't hate you. No matter what you tell me, I won't hate you, I promise you that."

"Don't make promises you don't know you can keep," Alex cautioned, tearfully, gaze downcast towards the floor at her feet.

"Unless you tell me that you were implicit in Samia's death or something equally as heinous, I can promise you here and now, with the full intention of keeping that promise, that I will never, could never hate you. So please, Al, talk to me and tell me what it is that you're afraid of."

The two women stood toe to toe, still resting in a loose embrace, Liv battling her natural instincts to press Alex for an answer while Alex fought her own internal war over how to express what scared her most about the prospect of Olivia returning home. Finally, the blonde released a weary sigh and steeled herself to lose her closest friend. Raising her head to look into expressive chocolate eyes, she murmured, "I'm scared it'll prove to be too hard and I'll get a call to say… to tell me that you… that you'll choose to end it rather than live with the pain." A lone tear trickled over Alex's smooth alabaster cheek, wending its way down towards her chin until Liv's swift, soft thumb brushed it away.

"Oh Alex…" Liv drew the younger woman closer once again, her heart clenching with her words. She felt the trembling of taut muscles beneath her palms as she pressed her hands flat against Alex's back, keeping their bodies moulded together tightly. "I'm sorry," she whispered, knowing that her reactions, her actions, had led to this. There was a dull pain in her chest, an ache that she had awakened such a fear in her dear friend, only magnified by the knowledge that there were no guarantees she could offer that such a call wouldn't come.


	37. Chapter 37

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Wow, amazing number of responses to the last chapter! Thank you all so, so much and an extra special thank you to NothingElseCompares for being such an enthusiastic convert! ;) Welcome aboard the AO train :D**_

_**Since I'm having a frustrating day at work, I thought I'd reward you all (hmm dubious reward perhaps!) with another new chapter! Some of us might as well get something out of the day! Lol. Tis a chapter of two halves, the first being a flashback, the second being the present day part of the story. Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday January 28<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**06.15**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

Liv slipped into her bed, moaning decadently as her tired muscles appreciated the softness and warmth enveloping them.

"I thought only I could make you moan like that! I'm actually jealous of the bed now," Sam quipped, rolling towards her lover who was only just getting home from an exceptionally long shift at work.

"Morning gorgeous, no need to be jealous, I still prefer it when you make me moan," Liv assured, accepting the soft kiss from the young blonde.

"Oh really?" Sam queried saucily, slipping a hand beneath the old NYPD t-shirt Liv had worn to bed and cupping one breast in her palm.

"Definitely," Olivia confirmed, with another moan, this time definitely caused by her lover's ministrations. The brunette pulled Sam closer, hand resting against the back of the young woman's neck as she guided her face to her lips once more. As Sam settled herself almost completely on top of Olivia, the pair spent long moments reacquainting themselves with one another, having had scant few opportunities since their encounter in the closet at the school thanks to a heavy caseload for Liv. "God I've missed this. I've missed you. Crashing in the crib…it's just not enough anymore. I need more than a couple of hours sleep… I need you, in my arms otherwise whatever sleep I do get just isn't restful. Does that make sense?"

"It does sweetheart. It very much does because I feel the same but I know you don't stay away because you want to. Your job is important to you and by extension, it's important to me too because without it, you wouldn't be the woman I have fallen so very deeply in love with." Sam trailed her lips sensuously across Olivia's strong jaw, breath tickling her ear as she whispered, "and spending a little time apart makes it all the more exciting when I do get you in bed with me." As she finished her statement, Sam allowed her hand to wander down the detective's rippling torso, delighting in the fluttering muscles beneath her touch.

"Sami…" Liv whimpered as deft fingers teased her mound, darting all too fleetingly over the areas most in need of attention.

"Ssshh baby, just relax and let me take care of you so you can get some proper, restful sleep." With no further thought of foreplay, two long, powerful digits plunged into the brunette's hot, tight core, causing her hips to buck and a throaty cry to be torn from her. She struggled to keep up with the frantic pace her lover had set, writhing and thrashing beneath her as her orgasm began to build from deep inside her body. Muscles clenched and tensed, spasming in sporadic fashion, no rhythm to their movement keeping Liv offguard. Seeing her usually composed and controlled lover in the throes of such wanton abandon and lust merely spurred Sam on in her ministrations, loving being the one to undo Olivia Benson. She leant down, fastening her lips over a ripe, plump nipple as she slid a third finger into Liv's sodden core. As the brunette began to crest, the moment was interrupted by the clanging of Samia's alarm, signalling it was time for her to begin her work day. With a feral growl, the blonde slapped the offending intruder with her free hand before returning to her previous task with renewed vigour, knowing that time was of the essence. She resumed her frenetic pumping in and out, in and out, curling her fingers just so to graze her lover's most sensitive inner flesh. Her head bowed back to Liv's heaving chest, once again suckling on her breast, smiling as she felt hands tangle in her hair, tightly holding her in place as the brunette sought to anchor herself to something tangible. Tiny whimpers and moans escaped unbidden from the older woman's lips, further vocalisations impossible as she fought to draw in enough breath simply to remain conscious. Liv's juices ran down Sam's fingers and collected in her cupped palm, a heady illustration of how responsive the detective's body was to the attention being given to it.

"Oooohhhhhhhhhh…" Liv ground out on a low guttural moan as she felt Sam's thumb flatten against her clit, triggering an explosion of sensations to rip through her entire body. Only the weight of her partner atop her prevented her from folding in two as strong contractions gripped her abdominal muscles over and over again, her washboard stomach undulating in time with them. She panted desperately, sucking life giving oxygen into her lungs in great gulps as she rode out the mind-blowing climax. Sam continued to languidly thrust her fingers into Liv's body, coaxing out every last tremor from the strong internal muscles holding her in a vice-like grip. Finally, Liv's body gave out, collapsing bonelessly against the bed, eyes closed as her head reeled from the onslaught of sensations. Slinging one leg carelessly over a toned, naked thigh, Sam pressed her own overheated core into the limb, rocking back and forth frantically, knowing it wouldn't take much for her own climax to sweep through her. Liv made to move, as though wanting to be more of an active participant in Sam's enjoyment but found herself unable to co-ordinate her limbs. "What do you do to me?" she asked breathlessly.

"Nothing that you don't deserve, honey. You are so beautiful, so damn beautiful and sexy, I can't help but want you every time I see you. And to see you, like that, so open, so giving, so in the moment… God Liv, I could cum just watching you." As she spoke, Sam felt her muscles quivering with the first waves of her own orgasm. She gently extracted her hand from between Liv's legs, bringing it to her mouth and cleansing it of every last drop of her fiancée's essence, moaning decadently as she did so and allowing it to increase her arousal even further. She fell forwards, capturing kiss-swollen lips with her own, allowing Liv to taste herself in the kiss. The brunette's hands finally found their way to Sam's buttocks, cupping them, squeezing them and caressing them as she urged her ever onwards towards her own peak. Liv's focus on her lover distracted her from the path Sam's hand was once again taking. Her eyes widened in surprise as a thumb and forefinger closed around her distended clit, milking it and triggering another orgasm within her as she watched Sam's sweep through her. The clung to one another, lost in a haze of desire, their sweat-slickened bodies gliding together as they tumbled over the precipice together. They lay for long moments, neither willing nor able to move much more than was absolutely necessary. All too soon though, Liv felt Sam roll off her, preparing to gather her sense in readiness for the work day ahead.

"I wish you could stay…" Liv murmured sleepily, eyes fighting to re-open every time she was forced to blink.

"I wish I could too but somebody has to mould the minds of the young folk," Sam agreed with a sigh.

"I've been thinking about booking some time off, I've got a lot of leave owing to me. How would you feel about doing something together around spring break time? We could maybe go away somewhere if you're interested?" Liv suggested through a yawn, rolling over onto her side so she could watch Sam wandering around the bedroom more easily.

"I'd love that but you know we could always just stay at home and spend some time together, we don't have to go anywhere. I know places get really booked up and expensive at that time of year…" Sam cautioned, not wanting the brunette to get her hopes up only to have them dashed.

"Perhaps I already have a plan in mind," Liv retorted cryptically, pulling Sam's pillow to her and cuddling up against it, breathing in her girlfriend's perfume. Her eyes fluttered shut and a contented smile lazily settled on her lips as sleep threatened to steal her away.

Sam turned back to face the bed, wondering what Liv was considering but refrained from asking further questions when she saw how comfortable and cosy she looked. Knowing how desperately the woman needed sleep, Sam schooled herself to save the questions for later, opting instead to tuck the blanket up around her lover's shoulders to stave off the early morning chill. "Sweet dreams, Liv," she whispered, pressing a gentle kiss against her temple before tiptoeing out of the room to continue getting ready for work.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Wednesday January 28<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**14.46**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

"…and I think that covers everything I need for tomorrow. Are you ok with your testimony? Anything you want to run through again?" Alex asked setting her elegant pen down on her jotter beside her legal pad.

"No, I'm good to go, thanks Alex." Liv too sat back in her chair, grateful for the thorough preparation her friend was always willing to offer prior to any of the squad taking the stand. Whilst they were confident that they had gathered sufficient evidence to result in a guilty verdict in this case, the time Alex spent going over the details helped to settle Olivia, mentally, for explaining that evidence to twelve jurors. She knew she would be able to stride into court confidently and deliver her testimony with practiced ease, no matter what tricks the defence counsel attempted.

"Ok then, well I think I can let you get back to the precinct then and I'll wade my way through my opening statement a few more times," Alex supplied with a brief smile, professional demeanour firmly in place as was so often the case even when it was just the two of them in her office.

"Before I go, there's something I wanted to ask you. And before I do, I want you to know that you can say no. I won't… act like a jerk and hold it against you or anything…" Liv babbled nervously, wringing her hands in her lap.

"Liv, spit it out, whatever it is you want to ask me. You're making me nervous," Alex requested, leaning forward and resting her elbows on the edge of her desk, hands clasped tightly together, her face a mask of concern.

"You know…that place you have in the Hamptons…" Liv began tentatively.

"The beach house, in Bridgehampton?" Alex queried starting to relax just slightly.

Liv nodded before continuing, "I was wondering if it would be possible for me to take Sam up there for Spring Break this year? Like I said, no problem if you already have plans to be there that week or someone else is or you'd rather I didn't but…"

"Honey, relax," Alex advised warmly, a gentle smile of understanding settling over her patrician features. "Of course you can have the house for a week or two. I've told you, any time you want to get away, it's there and available for you to use. I think it would be great for you and Sam to take a break together and I'm sure you will love it."

"We'd pay you for the use of it, I don't expect you to let us stay there for free," Liv insisted, levelling a determined gaze on her friend.

"There's no mortgage to pay on it, no real overheads of any kind. It won't cost anything to open it up besides a phone call to my parents' housekeeper so really, there's no need pay anything towards it," Alex stated, holding a hand up to forestall any objections from the stubborn detective. "However, if you insist on contributing anything, why don't we agree that you and Sam pay for whatever fuel you use while you're there? There are two gas fires – one in the lounge, one in the master bedroom - and a heated saltwater pool which you're free to use, just let me know if you think you will beforehand so I can get it turned on before you get there, otherwise you'll freeze in it, trust me. Other than that, all the costs will be your own anyway – food, travel etcetera. It's a beautiful place, amazing views of Sam's creek from most rooms, especially the master bedroom," Alex raved, recalling the spectacular sunsets she had witnessed over the creek from the tub in the master bathroom, which was situated right up against the one way glass of the floor to ceiling, panoramic windows, on her many stays at the house. "I can't think of a better place to take the woman you love," she added wistfully, thinking of the many times she herself had dreamed of taking Liv there.

"Are you sure that's all you want? I mean, I'd have to pay a lot more than that if I booked a house, which was my other option if you were against us using your place." Liv still worried that to not pay at least some form of rent would be taking advantage of her friend's generosity.

"Absolutely. Seeing you happy and facilitating you and Sam spending some quality time together, just the two of you, no distractions, is all the recompense I need. Besides, it does the house good to get an airing and to be used more often so consider yourselves doing me a favour. That way, when I visit at Easter, all being well with work, it won't smell so musty and unused as it would if it had been shut up all winter." Alex smiled warmly at her companion, reading the genuine gratitude in her expression.

"You're a great friend, Alex. Thank you, so much, it means the world to me," Liv beamed, gratitude oozing from her as her mind worked overtime for how she might make it up to the younger woman. "It'd just be the week, Saturday to the following Sunday if that's ok?" Liv received an affirmative nod from the attorney before continuing with a suggestion she had been mulling over throughout their discussion. "Maybe, the weekend before we head home, you could join us? When was the last time you took any time away for yourself? We could get some movies in, order takeout, play some cards, swim and just have a lazy girl's day in on the Saturday before driving home on the Sunday."

"That's sweet of you to offer, Liv, but really I wouldn't want to intrude on yours and Sam's time," Alex protested, appreciating the gesture but not sure she'd be happy playing spare part to the loved up couple when her own love life was currently so barren.

"I'm sure by then Sam would be grateful of some company other than mine. Don't rule it out too quickly ok? Just, you know, have a think about it and if you can get away and want to, we'd love for you to spend some time with us." Liv hauled herself from the comfortable leather seat in front of Alex's desk, rounding it and leaning down to give her close friend a warm hug before making her escape. "I'd better get back or Dad'll be sending out a search party. I'll firm up arrangements with you once I've spoken to him about getting the time off, if that's ok?"

"Of course it is and I think we both know that he will approve your vacation time since you never ask to take any more than a few hours off, a day at most, usually. You must have month's of time stacked up owing to you." Alex picked up her pen and flipped over a few pages of her legal pad until she found the opening argument she was looking for, a self-deprecating grin on her face.

"Hello Pot, this is Kettle calling, I do believe you might be black!" Liv quipped in reference to Alex's own failure to take leave unless forced into doing so. "Think about that weekend, Alex, please," the brunette requested pleadingly before turning on her heel and exiting the office.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Wednesday February 25<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**07.28**_

_**Franco's diner**_

"George, thanks for meeting up with me so early," Liv greeted her breakfast companion as Huang slipped into the booth opposite the detective.

"It's fine, Liv. Any much later and I wouldn't have been able to come anyway – I'm here to attend a seminar on the latest theories linking activity in the hippocampus to criminal behaviour," George replied as he settled himself into the booth, glad to see Olivia looking more like herself than she had been the last time he laid eyes on her. "How are you doing? I hear you're back at work."

"Yeah, it's… it's early days," Liv admitted, fiddling with the paper napkin on the vinyl-topped table between them.

"It is and no one would expect you to walk back in as though nothing had happened. How do you feel you're handling being back there?" George gently pried, trying to get the brunette to open up to him since she had requested the meeting and so obviously had something on her mind.

"If I'm honest, I feel like… like I'm an outsider, like I don't really belong there at the minute. I'm hoping that's just because I'm stuck behind a desk, doing basic work, and that once I get back to it fully, once I'm back in the field, I'll find it easier to connect again," the woman confessed, head bowed, shoulders hunched in defeat.

"Give yourself time, Liv. It's only been a few weeks, you're still going to be coming to terms with what happened. You might find that your work helps, once you get back into the heart of it, or you might decide that it is time for a change, a fresh start, as your emotions settle and your wounds – both physical and psychological – heal." Further conversation was stalled as their server approached to take their order, George raising an eyebrow and levelling a concerned gaze on his breakfast companion when she requested only a black coffee, declining any food. "There's more to this, isn't there? You're not just worried about whether you'll want to carry on working at SVU, are you?"

Liv shook her head, glancing up at the kindly FBI psychologist, taking a deep breath and steeling herself to lay bare her soul. "Alex… Alex raised some concerns she had when I told her I intend to move back to my apartment this weekend."

George nodded, remaining silent after their drinks had been delivered in the expectation that Liv would continue. When she didn't after a few minutes, he coaxed, "she's worried about you, about how you'll cope. Did you and Sam share the apartment, Olivia?" The brunette nodded silently, mind a whirl as she struggled to pick the words she needed to express herself, her own fears. "So you'll be moving back to a place where Sam should be but isn't any longer. How do you see yourself managing that?" George asked gently, knowing he would find it unbearably painful to have to return to a home he had shared with a partner lost in such tragic circumstances.

"I don't know," Olivia whispered brokenly. "I feel like I have to do it, like I need to confront the fact that she'll never be there again but… Alex has been having nightmares about me… that I'll kill myself or be killed in my apartment."

"And you need help to convince her you'll be ok? That you'll cope?" the profiler prompted.

"I need help to convince myself she's not right to be scared. How can I expect her to believe I won't do that if _I'm_ not sure I won't?" Liv finally raised her head, her haunted eyes meeting those of Huang. "I do have days when I don't believe I'm strong enough to get through this, to live without her."

Again, George nodded sagely, picking his words wisely to help the stoic detective as best he could. "Liv, have you had suicidal thoughts?" Olivia's head bobbed up and down in solemn confirmation, her eyes clouded with grief and the pain of her loss. "And on those days, when you feel like that, what do you do? What do you do to stop yourself from acting on those thoughts?"

"I remember what I promised Sam, what she made me promise her in that diner, that I'd live my life to the full in honour of her," Liv stated, snatching furiously at the tear which leaked from her eye and trickled over her smooth cheek, the shrapnel cuts from the blast finally having healed almost completely. "But what if it's not enough? What if… what if I'm not the person everyone expects me to be and I can't do it?"

"Close your eyes for me." The doctor waited for her to comply, ignoring her sceptical glance, before he continued, "now imagine yourself in your apartment, late at night, alone. Imagine yourself surrounded by memories and reminders of Sam, of the life you shared with her, doing things you used to share with her, things you took for granted you'd always do together. Imagine lying alone in the bed you shared with her, trying to sleep knowing she wasn't joining you there." He paused again, letting the picture build in her mind, letting her engage emotionally with the scene he had set. Quietly, almost intimately, he requested, "tell me how you're feeling, Olivia."

There was a muffled gasp from across the table, a strangled sob choked down in deference to the public nature of their location. "Oh God! I…it hurts, so much." Her voice betrayed the raw agony placing herself in such a situation would induce, making it redundant for George to hear further words.

"Can you stay with Alex a while longer? If not there, is there somewhere else you can stay? Someone else you can stay with? Clinically, I don't believe you're ready to go back home yet without setting yourself up to fail. By pushing yourself to go back to your apartment, by immersing yourself so entirely in Sam's memories, you risk either completely shutting down emotionally and never moving on from this or aggravating psychological wounds so gravely that you act on your instincts to end the pain, for good. Neither is a healthy option and once done, cannot be undone. My advice, and I'm assuming that you want it since you arranged this meeting, is that you spend some time at the apartment, build up to being back there full-time gradually. Go back for an hour or two at a time, take Alex over there to watch a movie or just go back there to do laundry. Then start to spend a little longer there, do a little more of the things you did when Sam was there but also the things you did alone before Sam lived with you. You can't turn back the clock and remove her from the home you shared, nor would it be healthy for you to want to, but you can learn to tolerate the environment without it being so painfully raw. Think of it like learning to swim; you wouldn't go to the ocean and dive straight in and expect to swim without ever having learned how to, would you? Teach yourself where the hidden dangers are, what are the things which will threaten to pull you under if you don't have the right tools to keep you afloat." George kept his eyes on Olivia the entire time he spoke, making sure she was listening and not lost in the painful scenario he had invoked. "I'm really sorry, I've got to get going but call me, anytime. We can do this again, off the record, just between us, any time you need to talk, ok?"

Liv took a moment to compose herself, reigning in the emotions which had bubbled to the surface before nodding and rising from the booth to escort George out of the diner. "Thanks George, I really do appreciate your advice and I promise, I will listen to it. I'll talk to Alex this evening."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Wednesday February 25<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**07.57**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

Alex fired up her computer, letting it warm up as she set about getting her coffee pot started, knowing it would take a while to get even as far as the log in screen. She pottered around her office while she waited, busying herself with mundane, menial tasks such as watering her potted peace lily which resided on top of a book shelf by the blind-covered window and retrieving the notes she had jotted during her sleepless night from her attaché case. Finally, she slumped into her high backed, leather chair and tapped her details into the computer once it was ready for her, leaning back as she waited for the old machine to load up her profile from the internal servers used by the DA's office. A creature of habit, Alex normally welcomed this time as a chance to completely embrace her work persona for the day ahead but exhaustion made her impatient with the archaic servers and antique machinery and she tapped her pencil aggressively against the jotter covering her mahogany desk, just wanting to get the day over with so she could go home and shut the world out once again. At the same time though, the thought of returning to her apartment, of facing Liv after their intense discussion that morning, filled her with a sense of trepidation. Whilst Olivia had kept hold of her following her confession, Alex had not been blind to the fact that no assurances were offered that her fears were in vain. The brunette had simply sighed, pulling Alex in closer and refusing to let her go for long moments before retreating to the guest room under the guise of getting ready for a breakfast meeting before work. The attorney became aware that her computer now sat idly, awaiting her commands, finally having finished its whirring and flashing of lights as it ground into life. She pulled up her emails, scanning through the list of new messages, discarding a few junk emails offering training which had slipped through the firm's filters. An email from Abbie caught her eye, its title cryptic enough to make the blonde intrigued. She paused, warring between opening it immediately or getting a much needed mug of coffee first. The coffee won but only delayed her curiosity by a matter of minutes. Settling back into her chair, the ADA opened the message, eyes scanning over the words from the Texan.

_Alex_

_I thought about calling you but realised I only have your office number and I know my day is about to explode – ok, bad choice of words there but you know what I mean, I won't have time to talk to you during office hours. Anyway, how are you? Did you manage to sleep at all last night? I didn't enjoy leaving you and I wish I wasn't so far away but hopefully I'll be back in New York before too long, when Morientes and Sykes pull their finger out and give us something we can prosecute. I've asked them to keep you up to speed with any developments since you're there and more likely to be contactable than I am. They said they have your contact number from when Liv was in hospital. Speaking of, did you talk to Olivia this morning? I've gotta go, I'm being summoned but call me ok? My number's in my signature at the bottom of this email but I'll give you my personal cell as well. I have both switched on all the time so use them, I don't care which and I don't care when – ok I do care if it's three a.m., some of us need our eight hours sleep a night to function!_

_Please take care of yourself and remember what I said last night, if you weren't too far gone into your exhaustion-induced insanity to have a clue what was going on. And if you haven't already, talk to Olivia. I don't want to have to fly back there just to knock some sense into the pair of you. You're great friends, don't screw it up, ok?_

_Call me. I mean it. Gotta run._

_Abbie x_

A knock on her office door had Alex hurriedly clicking out of the email and erasing any kind of emotion, she hoped, from her face. Bidding her visitor entrance, she looked up as Judge Donnelly's head appeared around the doorjamb.

"Alexandra, what on earth are you doing here so early? Are they working you that hard?"

"Morning Liz. No, nothing like that." Alex shrugged with feigned nonchalance. "I was awake early and so I thought I'd come and get a head start on my opening argument for next week's case."

"Who's your judge on that?" Liz asked, slipping into the nearest available seat, hands automatically moving to clasp primly in her lap.

"That would be you," Alex replied evenly, wondering what had prompted this visit from her God-mother and whether it was purely professional or if there was an alternative agenda at work.

"Then I wouldn't bother trying too hard to impress me. I know you always arrive in my courtroom impeccably prepared, even on those cases where you're trying to pull a fast one. So what's the real reason you're here at this hour? And why do you look like you haven't slept in a week or more? Don't even think about lying to me, I've known you too long for you to get away with it." The feisty judge pinned Alex with an unerring stare, demanding a reasonable response.

"Are you asking in a professional manner, Judge Donnelly?" Alex snapped, maintaining the older woman's gaze with an equally determined one of her own.

Liz softened her tone, realising that the young woman was in no mood to be dictated to. "Partially. Arthur spoke to me recently, voicing some concerns – not about your standard of work before you go getting apoplectic but about the toll recent events have taken on you. Be honest with me, Alexandra, are you coping with juggling your own workload and being co-Counsel on the Camanetti case? People care about you, none of us want to see you slip under due to avoidable stress."

The ADA relented, shoulders slumping in defeat. "I'm ok, just a little tired. Things have been…emotional recently, with Liv…she's needed a great deal of support and I don't begrudge giving it to her, being there for her, not for a single moment…"

"But…" Liz prompted gently, leaning forward and propping her forearms on the desk, hands still clasped together.

"But nothing," Alex stated before withering under the icy glare sent her way. "Liv is set on going home, back to her apartment, this weekend…and I'm… I'm scared." If Liz was surprised by the admission, she schooled her features well not to show it.

"What about that scares you?" the older blonde queried, wondering how open Alex was prepared to be.

"That she's not ready, that she's pushing herself too far too fast. That I'll be alone…again," the ADA murmured, head bowed, fingers idly pushing her pen around the jotter.

"Olivia Benson is a sensible woman and normally I'd say that she wouldn't do anything she wasn't capable of doing. However, in the circumstances, to be a good friend to her, you might have to be willing to be unpopular with her and force her to realise what you can see, even if she doesn't want to admit it herself. You're a rational person, Alex. Something must have triggered those fears in you and perhaps Olivia needs to be made aware of that to prevent her from doing what you suspect she might. As for being alone, Alex, maybe it's time for you to stop wasting your time with idle dalliances you think would please your family and try to find someone you actually _want_ to share your life with, regardless of how that will look in the society pages," Liz offered with a raised eyebrow, daring her Goddaughter to deny her behaviour.

"Who I want to share my life with isn't open for discussion, nor is it any of your business," Alex barked, picking up her pen and attempting to focus on deciphering her scrawled notes from the early hours of the morning.

"As your Godmother, I'd say it was very much part of my duty to be concerned with whether you are making wise decisions which affect your future happiness, wouldn't you?" Liz retorted calmly.

"I'm not five years old anymore…" Alex began only to be interrupted before she could get into the flow of her rant.

"No you're not. You're a fully grown, attractive, single, 35 year old woman who has a lot to offer in a relationship… if only you were brave enough to let yourself pursue the type of relationship you'd be happy in, rather than hiding behind what society and your family expects of a Cabot," Liz goaded.

"And what _type_ of relationship is it that you, in all your worldly wisdom, think I would be happy in? Please, enlighten me," the younger blonde invited, ice dripping from every syllable.

"You know very well what _type_ of relationship I mean. The type that doesn't involve a sycophantic man – or man of any kind for that matter – who is only interested in what you can do for his bank balance or his societal status. The only time I have seen you approaching anything like the confidence you should have in a relationship is when you had that brief dalliance with that young lady you spent so much time with in your sophomore year at college." The judge watched the younger woman's skin drain of the small amount of colour it had.

"You know about her?" Alex whispered, eyes wide and her poise frozen in place.

"I'm not blind Alexandra, nor was your mother. The two of you were inseparable for months and then all of a sudden, you don't spend any time with her and never speak of her again. What did you expect us to believe? Don't be so naive," Liz scoffed with a dismissive wave of her hand.

"Mother? She never… no one said anything… to me," Alex stuttered, shocked by what she was hearing, having thought she had been discrete enough not to raise suspicions amongst her family.

"Of course not. We both know that your Mother never was very good at talking to you about affairs of the heart. My own personal opinion is that that is why you ended up with the nickname you did when you first arrived at this office. You were ruthlessly and coldly ambitious because of the expectations and obligations drilled in to you all your life." Liz held up one hand to forestall any interruptions. "I know she loved you dearly and I know you never wanted for anything in a material sense but for many years, there has been a barrier between you and most other people. When your mother realised that you had inclinations towards relationships of a more…feminine nature, she deliberately took it upon herself to ensure you would shun any happiness you might find in that type of union in favour of familial and career expectations and aspirations. I know this because she told me one evening when we had an almighty row about letting you live your life. She couldn't – wouldn't – condone your attraction to other women. But she isn't here any longer and you only have one shot at life. You've already lost so much in your life because of other people's actions, don't lose your chance to know love as well."

"You make it sound easy…" Alex intoned, eyes downcast as she idly fiddled with the corner of her jotter.

"It should be, for you. Alex, any woman would be lucky to have you love her and to love you in return. Take a chance, let a few more people in past your walls, you never know, you might find the best thing that's ever happened to you."

"What if I already have found her? What if I know who it is that I want to build a life with but she isn't available? What if I've already missed my chance and there's nothing ahead except for microwave meals for one and long lonely nights in front of the television?" The blonde's mind was consumed by conflicting thoughts of two brunettes; one tall and willowy, the other athletic with hypnotic chocolate eyes.

"It's never too late, Alexandra, not unless one of you is dead," Liz stated with an air of finality, signalling the end of their conversation. She rose from her seat, reaching over the desk and gently patting her Goddaughter's hand. "Get some sleep before I see you in my court next week or else I'll hold you in contempt."


	38. Chapter 38

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Wow, so many amazing reviews! I read and value each and every one - especially those that make me laugh out loud, regardless of how much of a loon that makes me look to those around me! What do they know anyway? Lol. Welcome to new readers, thank you to those who have reviewed for the first time and as always, to those who regularly review/read, your continued investment in this story is greatly appreciated. I'm not going to say a whole lot about this chapter but will wait with interest to see what you think, if you feel so inclined to let me know :) Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday February 25<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**09.47**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

"We have a situation. I just got a call requesting SVU's presence downtown where uniform are trying to talk a woman down off a roof," Captain Cragen announced to his squad.

"Why they want us there?" Fin queried with a frown, voicing the thoughts of the majority.

"The woman wanting to hurl herself off the building is Theresa Gabbidon." The Captain watched and waited as realisation sunk in.

"Terri?" Munch repeated redundantly.

"Where is she?" Olivia asked, the first words she had spoken since arriving at the precinct more than an hour ago.

"On top of her apartment building," the senior officer replied wanly. "The responding officers requested our presence when she told them to tell Shannon she was sorry, that she'd never meant to rape her. Apparently, she's said nothing else since and they're worried she's serious about jumping."

"But she didn't, did she?" Elliot questioned, his own face a mask of tense confusion.

"As far as we understand, not without coercion but Ms Gabbidon may have remembered more from that evening than we have previously been aware of." Captain Cragen looked around at his officers, assessing who would be most suited to speak to the clearly distraught woman.

"Let me go and talk to her, Cap'n," Liv requested quietly, realising that she was likely to be shot down in flames but convinced that she could talk her superior around. "I know I'm not cleared for active duty yet but I wouldn't be having to do anything strenuous and I promise, no heroics. If I try and she still goes to jump, I'll have to let her go but I really do think I stand the best chance of getting through to her."

"What makes you think that?" Elliot asked brusquely.

"Because I think I might understand what she's going through," Liv muttered.

"Why, 'cause you're a lesbian?" Elliot fired back a little belligerently.

"No," Liv sighed, resigned to the growing gulf between herself and her partner, "because I've also done something recently that I'm finding it hard to live with myself for." Her admission hung in the air for seemingly endless moments before anyone else spoke.

"It's worth a shot, Captain. Liv connected well with Terri when questioning her about what happened that night," Fin supplied supportively.

"I agree, so long as you don't get any ideas while you're up there, Liv. Some of us are not too proud to admit we need you in this unit," Munch agreed warmly.

The Captain looked warily around at his detectives, weighing up his options. "Ok, but no heroics and you're going out there unarmed so Fin, Munch I want you with her at all times and I mean _all_ times. I don't expect you to crowd Terri but I do expect you to be within reach of Olivia in case she needs assistance. Elliot, a word in my office, please," Cragen ordered turning on his heel without waiting to see if his commands would be met. Liv's heart pounded with the adrenaline rush of getting a temporary release back into the field. She snatched up her jacket from where it hung on the back of her chair and led her two colleagues out of the door towards the elevator.

"Shut the door, Detective Stabler," Don barked fiercely, waiting for the officer to comply before rounding on him. "What is your problem? Are you deliberately trying to drive Olivia out of this unit with your chauvinistic macho bull?"

"Captain, with all due respect, I resent the inference that I am being out of line. Olivia is supposed to be my partner, I'm supposed to be able to trust her with my life. How can I do that if she's keeping secrets from me? How can I trust her to have my back if I don't know what's going on with her?"

"Would you listen to yourself? You sound like a child. I'm sure there are many things about one another's lives that Munch and Fin don't know, do you hear them making it an issue? No, because so long as each of you do your jobs, it shouldn't matter what is happening in your personal lives. All I've heard from you since you found out that the bombing victim was Detective Benson's girlfriend is bigotry because they are both women. So I'm giving you a final warning, it ends here and it ends now. One more hurtful word, one more snide remark, just one more indication that you cannot get past the fact that Olivia is attracted to women and you Elliot, _you_ will be the one looking for a new post. Now get out of my office and make sure your DD5's are all completed by the end of the day." Cragen turned his attention to the paperwork on his own desk, making it explicitly clear that their conversation was over.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Wednesday February 25<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**10.35**_

_**West 20**__**th**__** Street**_

"Terri, it's Detective Benson, we spoke last week, do you remember?" Olivia called as she edged closer to the ledge on which Theresa Gabbidon was perched.

"Stay back. No one else needs to put themselves at risk because of me. I'm not worth it. I'm a disgusting, despicable rapist. I don't deserve to live." The white knuckled grip on the railing at her back belied Terri's determination to jump.

Turning to Munch, Liv instructed quietly, "get Shannon Arkwright down here if she'll agree to it, if she would be willing to help us convince Terri that what happened wasn't her fault, that Shannon doesn't hold her responsible." After receiving confirmation and watching the sergeant step a few yards away to make the telephone call, Olivia returned her attention solely to the distraught woman. "I just want a chance to talk to you, about what happened. I'm going to join you but I'm going to stay all the way over here. I'm not going to try and grab you, I won't stop you if you want to jump but I'd like to talk to you about why you think what happened is your fault. Is that ok? Can I talk to you?"

"What's to talk about? I raped a young woman I considered to be my friend," Terri cried in despair as Liv crept stealthily closer to her and the edge of the building, Fin trailing in her wake, keeping a reasonable distance away so as not to spook Theresa.

"You were the victim of a sexual assault. Neil Danvers used you, against your will, without consent to assault Shannon. That is not your fault, it does not make you responsible. You were restrained, you were drugged and you were overpowered by a man with one thing and one thing only in mind. He is the one who spiked Shannon's drink, long before you took her home to your apartment. He would have assaulted her whether or not you were there. You took her home with you because you were trying to protect her. You weren't to know when Danvers offered to help that he was responsible – as far as you knew, he was simply a colleague being a good guy." Seeing that she wasn't getting through to Terri, Liv tried a different approach. "Did you go out that night with the intention of having sex with Shannon?"

"No! Of course not! I wouldn't…she's not…there's no way she'd want that," Terri exclaimed with a horrified expression.

"When you decided to take her home, when you saw she was incapacitated and wouldn't resist, did you want to take advantage of her then?"

"No, but…" Liv interrupted before Terri could offer further supposedly corroborating evidence as to why she was responsible.

"Did you at any point intentionally force yourself, sexually or physically, on Shannon Arkwright?"

Terri's sobs reverberated around the rooftop, carried on the icy wind. "No," she acknowledged, shoulders slumping. "But how do I live with knowing what happened? How do I forgive myself for what my body did to her?"

"The same way I go on knowing that my actions killed the most important person in my life," Liv confessed quietly, drawing ever closer to her quarry. "I understand that you're hurting, that you're scared of what it means, that it changes how you see yourself but you are no more responsible for hurting Shannon than I am for killing Sam. We are both victims of the actions of others."

Terri twisted her head around to look at the detective for the first time, staring at her as though trying to assess the authenticity of her words. One glance at the brunette's pain-filled eyes and haunted expression convinced her that the detective was to be trusted. "How do you keep going? How do you handle the guilt?"

"I don't, not always. I've had days when it could have been me where you are right now. Days when I just wanted it all to end; the memories, the pain, the guilt. But I get through it, by talking; to friends, to counsellors, to my partner's family, to my colleagues. And by remembering that it wasn't my actions which caused her death, not directly. I had no choice, just like you had no choice when Neil Danvers used you to assault Shannon. Have you called anyone to arrange some counselling? Or spoken to Shannon?"

"No, I… I tried calling that number I was given but… I don't know how to start…how to tell a stranger what I did," Terri stuttered with a frown.

"You told me what happened, talking to a counsellor wouldn't be any worse than that. You've done it once, you're strong enough to do it again. What about Shannon, would you like the chance to talk to her?" Liv asked, glancing back towards Munch who signalled the younger woman was on her way up.

"And say what? How do I begin to apologise for what I did? How do I look at her and not hate myself for doing that to her? Why would she want to even speak to me? She must hate me," Terri cried, her distress increasing once again.

"I don't…" a new voice called from beside Sergeant Munch. "I hate what happened, I hate that either of us were hurt, I hate Neil for what he did…but I don't hate you. I know you were drugged too, I know he made you do things that you would never normally do. Please Terri, don't do this. I need you…I…I was hoping we could help each other get over this. You're the only one who understands what I'm going through because you were there, it happened to you too. Please?"

"Shannon…" Terri gasped, gaze flickering rapidly, frantically between Olivia and the younger woman.

"Terri, step back over this side of the railing for us, yeah?" Liv coaxed gently, hyper-aware of how close to the edge she was getting as she twisted around to look behind her.

"Please Terri, come away from there and we can talk." There was genuine fear in Shannon's eyes as she begged her friend to get back onto safer ground.

Wordlessly, Terri nodded and carefully, cautiously swung herself back over the metal railing and out of imminent danger. All those looking on heaved a sigh of relief as two feet landed firmly on solid ground. Shannon drove forward, pulling the older woman into a fierce hug, whispering words of reassurance and support. Liv watched the two friends leaning on one another, startled by a sudden clear vision of herself and Alex, of how devastated the younger woman would be should anything happen to her. She wanted to pound herself into the ground for her ignorance and lack of regard for the attorney's feelings, knowing as she peered over the edge that, no matter how bleak things became, she was determined not to take the easy route out. As she made a silent vow to herself and to Sam that she would fight on, no matter what, a break in the dense cloud appeared, shrouding the rooftop in a brief but brilliant shaft of winter sunlight. Olivia smiled to herself, taking it as a sign from her late lover that she approved of and supported the conviction to continue.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Wednesday February 25<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**12.37**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's office, 1 Hogan Place**_

Alex was disturbed from her trial preparation by a gentle knock on her door.

"Come in," she called, tone officious and suggesting that whoever it was interrupting her had better be there with something important or be prepared to lose a limb.

"Hi," Olivia breathed as she stepped around the door, closing it again behind her, making sure to keep her hands out of view.

"Detective, what can I do for you?" Alex queried, glancing imperiously over her black-rimmed glasses at the intruder.

Swallowing nervously, Liv took a deep fortifying breath. "Well firstly, you could accept these as a token of my apology," she offered hopefully, sweeping a bouquet of fresh mixed flowers from behind her back and presenting them to the startled attorney. Before the blonde could regroup and respond however, Liv continued, "and secondly, I was wondering if you might be interested in joining me for lunch? I took the liberty of picking up a couple of salads on my way over." Liv produced a bag of goodies in her other hand from behind herself, placing it gingerly on the very edge of Alex's desk.

Alex slid her glasses off her face, placing them on her jotter, taking a moment to formulate a response but once again, Olivia once again beat her to the punch.

"I'm an idiot. A selfish, self-centred, blind idiot. I talked to Huang this morning about what you told me earlier, about your fears regarding me going back to the apartment and how I found I couldn't tell you that I wouldn't do that. He made me realise you're right, you're all right, that I'm not ready to be back there, not full time. And then I had to talk Theresa Gabbidon down off a roof today." Alex's eyes widened both in acknowledgement of the news of their witness's suicide attempt and Liv's involvement in the field. "She didn't think she could live with what she did to Shannon, for her part in Shannon's assault. I persuaded the captain to let me talk to her…because I too have problems seeing a future for myself after what I did to Sami." Tears pricked the blonde attorney's eyes as she listened to her friend confess out loud the depth of her despair at losing her fiancée. Liv saw that she was about to interrupt once again so held up a hand and silently pleaded with her to hear her out. "We managed to get Shannon - Shannon Arkwright, the other woman assaulted that night – to talk to Terri, to help her see that Shannon doesn't hold her responsible for what happened, that she understands Terri had no more chance to consent to the assault than Shannon herself did. And I realised that no matter how much I'm hurting, I can't use that as an excuse to inflict further pain on others. I should have been more sensitive to your feelings, I'm sorry."

"What are you saying?" Alex questioned, voice trembling with unshed tears.

Liv blew out a sigh, running one hand through her ragged chestnut hair. "I'm saying…well asking really…if you'd still be willing to let me stay at your place for a while longer? Not because I plan on doing anything foolish – I'm a lot more certain now that I couldn't do it, couldn't put my friends, Sami's family through that, and I especially don't think I could do that to you, Alex – but because I'm not too proud to admit I was wrong. George had me think, really think, about what it would be like to go home to my apartment and it hurt, physically and emotionally, so much. If that's what thinking about it does…" Liv trailed off, not knowing how to clarify her thoughts further.

"Thank you…" Alex choked out. "And I'm sorry too; for shutting you out, not talking to you, not being honest with you…about everything."

Liv rounded the desk on swift feet, inviting Alex to join her on her feet. Somewhat sluggishly, the attorney complied, allowing herself to be swept up into a fierce hug, through which Olivia tried to convey her support, her contrition, her desperate desire to maintain their close, comfortable friendship. "At least this won't have to join the ranks of our legendary fights, there's been not nearly enough shouting!"

Alex's laugh was forced and half hearted, a fact which did not go unnoticed by the astute detective. "You're not the only one who's had an enlightening morning, Liv." Alex paused, burying her head deeper into the brunette's shoulder, seeking the comfort and security she always found in her arms. Olivia soothed a hand down her friend's spine, feeling the coiled tension there but opting to remain silent, letting Alex get whatever was on her mind out in her own time. "I had a visit this morning from Liz Donnelly, she told me a few home truths… about relationships…about me…and the type of relationships I should be going for as opposed to those expected of a Cabot. Liv, I…God this is harder than I thought it would be," Alex sighed, torn between pulling out of her friend's embrace or staying where she was and using it to shield herself from her fears. "Sleeping with Abbie, talking to Liz… kissing you…I can't deny who I am any more…"

Liv ducked her head down, partly to make sure she was hearing the mumbled words properly but also to try to make eye contact with the skittish lawyer. Her mind was racing with the possible implications of what she thought Alex was saying. "Alex? Honey, what is you can't deny any longer?"

"I… I'm… I think…no, no I don't just think, I know… I've always known, deep down… Liv, I don't want to share my life, share my bed, my body, my anything with a man. I do that partly because it's expected of me; to get married to a respectable man, settle down, have an heir to the Cabot estate and be a good wife. But I also do it… because I'm scared. Before I went into Witness Protection, before my life was pulled out from under me, I was ready to give my heart to someone and I suspected she might have felt the same. Being parted from her, having to leave her behind, having to force myself to forget any hope of discovering what we might have had, the pain of that damn near killed me those first months in the programme. When I came back, I promised myself I would never open myself up to that kind of pain again, _never_. If it meant that I had to settle for someone whose companionship I could tolerate and a few discrete but meaningless affairs to take care of whatever needs I had, I was prepared for that, in order to protect myself, my _heart_, from that kind of pain again. But I'm not sparing myself the pain, I'm just diluting it. It's there each and every day, keeping the wound open and oozing into the darkest corners of my soul to the point where I don't actually remember what it feels like for it not to be there."

"Oh 'Lex," Liv breathed, her own heart aching to hear of such a lonely, bleak existence. She settled her arms a little more snugly around the attorney's slender frame, holding her securely in an attempt to ease her troubled mind and assure her that she was safe even from demons of her own creation. "I can see how hard this is for you to talk about so I'm just going to ask you one thing and if you can, I want you to answer me honestly. Alex, are you lesbian?"

With a watery sigh and tremulous smile, Alex nodded. "Yes. I realised it in college but I've been too scared to, too pre-programmed to follow the path of least familial resistance, to do anything about it. I discovered today that that was intentional on my mother's part – she realised around the same time I did and apparently made it her mission to see that I'd never shame the family name in such fashion. In a way, Mother created Alexandra and made sure the real me, the Alex part of me, was too ashamed, too self-conscious to follow her heart." Alex dashed away a solitary tear which had escaped overflowing cerulean eyes.

"Then welcome home, Alex. It's nice to finally meet the real you and anyone who really cares about you, about your happiness, your health, about _you_, will be nothing but supportive of your decision to be true to yourself." Liv gathered the younger woman in closer once more, dropping a gentle kiss against her crown and allowing some of her own coiled tension to relax as she felt the release of Alex's own muscles. "Sweetheart, I am so proud of you for having the courage to not only accept this part of who you are but to tell me. That takes a lot of strength," Olivia murmured encouragingly, her tone soft and warm, washing over the trembling woman in her embrace and soothing her fears of rejection.

"You don't hate me?" Alex whispered shakily.

"Why would I hate you, Al? Wouldn't it make me just a little hypocritical if I hated you because you told me you prefer women to men?" Liv was careful to keep any recrimination, indignation or hint of reproach from her tone.

"I mean for being so weak for so long… for letting my family, society, anyone else dictate the direction of my life," Alex clarified timidly, beginning to extract herself from Olivia's arms.

"You're not weak," Liv protested, allowing the attorney a little room to manoeuvre but reluctant to entirely let her go. "Alex, look at me, please." The detective waited until Alex's head rose, gaze eventually drawing level with her own. "You are _not_ weak. You are possibly the strongest person I know. No one else I know of could have gone through what you have been through and still be the warm, compassionate, caring, open, generous woman you are. Wanting to make your family happy, wanting to make them proud, wanting to be the very best you can at your career and advance to a position where you can make the biggest difference, those are not signs of weakness. They are noble intentions which come from that big heart you have hidden behind your walls and there is nothing wrong with any of them…as long as it makes _you_ happy as a person too. When it doesn't, when what other people, people you respect and look up to, when their hopes go so far against your own, 'Lex deferring to their wishes for you isn't weakness. It takes far greater strength to sacrifice your own dreams, your own wants, your own happiness in favour of making those other people, who mean so much to you, happy than it does to be selfish and tread your own path regardless of how many hearts you break in the process. But there comes a point where just as you have to accept that you cannot live your life solely to benefit others, those other people in your life too need to accept that they cannot live their lives, their dreams through you. You have no idea of how proud I am of you for realising that now is the time you need to step out from their shadows and live the rest of your life for yourself, for all that you are, for all that you want and need." Tears were streaming over each of their cheeks as Olivia finished her speech, tears of joy and relief respectively. Liv gently retracted her arms from where they had remained resting against her blonde friend's hips, wiping first her own tears away and then tenderly brushing Alex's away too with the pads of her thumbs. "Now, how about we celebrate your liberation from the shackles of straight-hood with a bottle of water over these salads?"

Alex released a genuine peal of laughter, playfully pushing her friend further away to allow herself room to retrieve the requested drinks from her mini-fridge. "Wow Liv, you really know how to show a girl a good time!"

Olivia was grateful in that moment that she wasn't already drinking the water for fear she might have spat it across the office. "Umm, so I've been told," she rejoined with a rakish grin.

Alex realised what she had implied as she straightened up, blushing madly and groaning, "Oh God, Liv… I…" Mental images assaulted her; of Abbie's head between her thighs, long fingers entering her only to morph into Liv's head and hands.

"Relax Alex, it's ok, I'm teasing!" Liv assured, grabbing the bag containing their salads and carrying it to the low coffee table in front of the sofa in the corner of the office.

"I know… I just… I'm going to go and find something to put these flowers in until I can take them home. I'll be back in a minute," Alex called as she strode out of the door, leaving a bemused Olivia in her wake.

Alex hurried down the corridor cradling her bouquet in one arm, silently, mentally berating herself for reacting as she had to the brunette's jesting. As she entered the kitchenette area and scouted around for a vessel large enough to rest her flowers in, her phone buzzed against her hip signalling an incoming call. "Alex Cabot," she answered crisply, still somewhat distracted by her search for a suitable temporary vase.

"_Alex? Hi, it's Bev…Beverley. I'm sorry, is this a bad time to call you?_"

"Beverley! No, not at all! It's great to hear from you again. How are you? How are the kids?" Alex gushed, attention suddenly focussed purely on her caller, flowers placed beside her on the narrow worktop.

"_We're good, we're all good thanks. That's actually what I was calling for… how would you like to meet our new addition? I was wondering if you'd be free to have lunch with us one day next week? I'm bringing Greg and Alison to New York, unfortunately Tony can't join us but I'm sure there'll be another time you can meet him,_" Bev enquired hopefully.

"I'll make sure I can take the time to meet you all for lunch and you're all more than welcome to come over to mine for a meal too. I won't inflict my cooking on you but we can get something delivered – pizza maybe if Greg's allowed that?" Alex suggested coyly, loving how easy they still found it to chat, despite the circumstances surrounding their estrangement. The first time she had picked up the phone and called Beverly there had been only a few moments of awkwardness before their conversation had begun to flow like old times. "Where are you staying? I can have a car pick you up from the airport."

"_I was thinking we could just book into a motel somewhere, get a family room, I'd not really worked out the details yet. I didn't want to assume you'd be available or want to meet up with us_," Beverley confessed.

"Before you make any arrangements, let me just check something. Can I call you back in a few minutes?" Alex asked urgently, excited at the prospect of meeting up with her friend again even as the thought of harking back to a life that was not her own scared her.

"_Of course you can but please, Alex, don't go to any trouble on our behalf,_" Bev pled through the telephone line.

"It's no trouble, at all. Speak to you in a moment." Alex ended the call, hustling to fill an empty trash can with enough water to keep her flowers sated until she could arrange them properly in a vase at home. She carried the makeshift container complete with sweetly scented bouquet back down the corridor to her office.

"I was beginning to think you'd run out on me!" Liv quipped from her seat on the edge of the sofa as the attorney re-entered the room.

"Sorry, my phone rang while I was looking for something to put these in. Liv, I need to ask you something but in light of our recent conversation, I don't want you to take it the wrong way." Alex paused for just a moment, long enough to draw in a fortifying breath but too short for Olivia to interrupt. "Would you mind sharing a room with me for a few days next week? I mean, more often than not we've been ending up in the same bed anyway with one or the other of us having nightmares but I realise that's different than actually intentionally sharing a bed with someone else for an entire night…" Alex trailed off, realising that she was rambling and from the adorably confused expression Liv was sporting, it appeared she was doing a terrible job of explaining her request. "That phone call I mentioned, it was Bev, the friend I made in Witsec," Alex began again.

"With Greg, your Godson?" Liv clarified receiving a confirmatory nod from her friend. "Is she ok?"

"Yeah, yeah she's fine but she wants to come visit next week. And I was considering offering for her to stay at my place but only if you're ok with that? I don't want you to feel like I'm trying to push you out…or that I'm trying to use it as an excuse to get you into bed with me…" Alex stuttered.

"Alex, it's your place. You can invite whoever you want to stay there – I'm just a temporary occupant of that guest room, I have no right to deny you the chance to spend some quality time with them. If it makes it easier, I'll see if I can stay with Gina and Fausto next week," the detective offered sincerely, eyes warm and caring.

"No…no you don't have to do that…unless you don't want to…bunk in with me. I'd understand if…you don't want to do that…now that…"

"Stop that. Stop assuming that just because you've told me you like women I'm going to automatically presume you and I can't platonically share a bed any longer. You haven't changed to me just because I know that. I'd still hold you if you needed me to after a nightmare and I'd still want you to help me if I had one too and I actually think that it might be for the best if I am there, on hand, beside you while Bev's there, in case seeing her again triggers any further nightmares for you. It's bound to stir up some less pleasant memories as well as good ones, purely by the nature of how you met." Liv watched as Alex fought to believe her words.

"Are you sure? I can arrange for her to stay in a hotel instead…" Alex began again only for the brunette to beckon her over to the couch. The attorney complied, pausing as Olivia shuffled around, swinging her legs up onto the couch and pressing herself back against the upright cushions, making a narrow sliver of space for Alex to lie in.

"Lay down and let me show you that I have no problem holding you while you phone Beverley back and let her know she will be staying with you…with us at your place." Giving in to her fatigue, Alex sunk gratefully into the sofa, pulling her own legs up and carefully arranging herself in the gap available, mindful not to unintentionally jab any sensitive areas. She released an involuntary sigh of contentment as a strong arm wrapped around her midriff, pulling her in closer to the curvaceous body behind her, cradling her gently. "Call Bev, 'Lex, and then give yourself permission to rest for a while. I'll give the guys a call, ask them to cover for me for another hour or so."

Feeling her muscles already relinquishing the tension they had carried ever since word had reached her about the bombing, Alex simply let herself go. Fumbling with her phone, she dialled the number she had for Bev, quietly informing the other woman of the plans for the following week and spending a few moments assuring her that it was not a problem for the trio to stay at her apartment. As she ended the call, her eyes were already growing heavy with an increasing need to close. 'Just for a few minutes,' she promised herself as she lapsed into a light sleep, safe in Olivia's arms.

"Sweet dreams, honey," Liv murmured, pressing a kiss to the tousled blonde hair beneath her cheek, rattling off a quick text to Fin, explaining that Alex needed her to stay for a while and asking him to cover for her. That done, Liv allowed her own eyes to slip shut, her own fatigue overcoming her.


	39. Chapter 39

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one**_

_**Wow, amazing number of reviews on that last chapter! Bringing the total to 250 for this story! I'm honestly astounded! Will have to think of a suitable reward for AnywhereElse who left that 250th review - a character named after you/a name of your choice in a future chapter perhaps? Unless your name's Sam cos then I think that would just be a little too confusing! Lol.**_

_**Hmm since you all seemed to like that last chapter so much I'm not sure if I should confess or not that I struggled to write that one. Don't know why but I still wasn't sure I was keeping it as it was even when I hit the button to post it. So yeah, relieved and a little blown away that it was well received. Thanks to all of you for the comments and reviews :) And the last chapter can't have been all bad...it did give rise to this one to follow it! Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Monday March 2<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**16.42**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex flung the door to her apartment open wide, beaming grin greeting her guests waiting on the other side. "Hi!" she squealed excitedly, beckoning them in out of the hallway. As soon as the trio crossed the threshold, Alex found herself wrapped in a fierce one-armed embrace, soon followed by two tiny arms clamping around her legs just above her knees.

"Al, gosh it's so good to see you. You look fabulous," Bev gushed warmly.

"Aunty Allie!" Greg chimed in, refusing to let the woman go who had been such a big part of his young life for a short time, only for her to be snatched away from them overnight.

Alex crouched down so that she was on eye level with her Godson, opening her arms to him in silent request for a proper hug. "Hey Greggo, wow, you've grown so big. I missed you so much little man."

"I missed you too, Aunty Allie," Greg informed her solemnly, resting his cheek against her shoulder and squeezing her with all his might. "Mom said you had to run away from a bad man so he didn't hurt you, that's why you left. Did you get away from him? Did he hurt you?" There was such protectiveness in his young voice that Alex felt tears spring into her eyes.

"No sweetie, he didn't and he can't any more, not ever. I'm safe now and I'll never have to run away from him again," Alex reassured him, turning her head into his soft neck and blowing a raspberry there, just as she had done many times after bathing him at bedtime. He squealed with delighted giggles, squirming at the ticklish sensation. Alex petted his shaggy, unruly dark curls as she rose back to her feet, spying Bev watching the exchange with silent affection.

"Alex, meet the newest member of our troop, Alison," the rotund woman directed her friend's attention to the shy, wary looking little girl perched on her mother's hip. "Are you going to give Aunty Al a smile, baby?" Bev cooed as Alex smiled gently at the child, her heart melting at the sight of the beautiful tot. Large chocolate brown eyes dominated her round face which was framed by the softest looking dark brown hair. For a brief moment, Alex imagined that this was what a child of Olivia's might look like.

"Oh Bev, she's gorgeous," the blonde sighed, never having been that maternal but having thoroughly adapted to her role as 'Aunt' to Greg during her brief time with the family. "Hi Alison," she said, softly, stroking the back of her fingers over a chubby, rosy cheek. The youngster gurgled happily at the gentle caress, seemingly content that the stranger was not someone she need fear.

Greg effectively broke the moment as he suddenly whined, "Mom, I need to pee."

"Let me show you where the bathroom is, Greg, so your Mom and Alison can have a sit down, ok?" Alex took hold of the little boy's hand to lead him through the apartment, calling to his mom as she went, "make yourselves at home. The lounge is just through there to your left. I'll make us something to drink in a moment."

"Would it be ok if I put little madam down for a nap? We have a travel cot for her," Bev stated, indicating the charcoal coloured bag at her feet.

"Of course. Your bedroom's this way, just opposite the bathroom. I'm afraid I've only the one bed to offer you…" Alex began apologising, only to be shushed.

"Allie, honey, it's fine, we'll be fine. I'm really grateful you're putting us up. We were quite prepared to stay in a hotel. Are you sure it's not too much trouble? Didn't you mention you already had a house guest?" Bev queried, watching from the doorway to the proffered bedroom as Alex ushered Greg into the bathroom opposite, pulling the door too behind her as she stepped back into the hallway. The two women entered the bedroom, Alex taking charge of setting up the travel cot, which she managed without too many issues.

"Olivia? Yeah, she is staying with me at the moment." Checking her watch, Alex stated, "she should actually be home before too much longer." She paused, stepping back from the makeshift crib and allowing her friend to place the weary tot inside it. "Liv is…she's going through a tough time right now. She lost her partner, Sam, a few weeks ago in an explosion. Liv was there when it happened. She got some injuries from the blast so between recovering from that and coming to terms with Sam's death, we decided it was better if she stayed with someone while she healed."

Bev looked around at the evidence of recent, regular use in the guest room. "Where will she sleep while we're here then? I feel awful about kicking her out of her room."

"I'm fine sharing with Alex," a deep, rich voice answered from the entrance lobby.

"Liv!" Alex exclaimed, not having heard the older woman enter the apartment. "Bev, this is Olivia Benson, my best friend here in New York. Liv, this is Beverley whom I met while I was in Witsec." The sound of the toilet flushing, then the gushing of water from the tap in the guest bathroom, briefly preceded a small, skinny boy with a mop of unruly black curls appearing in the doorway, peering at the newest arrival to the apartment. "And this is my Godson, Greg. Greg, this is my friend Olivia."

"Nice to meet you, Olivia. And I really am sorry about kicking you out of your room, are you sure sharing with Alex isn't a problem?" Bev asked, reaching out and shaking the brunette's hand.

"No, not at all. To be honest, more often than not, Alex ends up having to join me in bed to keep me company after nightmares anyway so this just saves either of us the hassle of relocating in the middle of the night," Liv supplied honestly, sending a warm smile in the attorney's direction. "I've learned how to handle her snoring and her flailing legs!" she quipped earning herself an outraged glare from the younger woman. Crouching down on her haunches, the detective brought herself to eye level with the still silent young man hovering in the doorway to the bathroom. "Hi Greg, nice to meet you," she offered with a gentle smile, well versed in coaxing anxious children into trusting her.

"Nice to meet you too, Olivia," the shy child murmured bashfully.

"I hear you're the one who persuaded Al…" Liv faltered over Alex's name, not knowing what the child knew her as.

"I'm Auntie Allie to Greg, Liv," Alex supplied helpfully, realising the detective's dilemma.

Olivia flashed a grateful smile Alex's way, before returning her attention to the timid young boy. "I believe it's down to you that Auntie Allie has those cool Spongebob Squarepants pyjamas," she said, injecting excitement into her voice.

"You still have those, Auntie Allie?" Greg asked in awe, gazing at the young blonde with increased adoration.

"Sure I do, Greggo. I might even wear them later, just for you," Alex informed him proudly.

"Cool!" Greg cried with a little leap of excitement. "I've got these awesome Ben Ten pyjamas. They're green and brown and black and grey and have a big picture of him on the t-shirt."

"They sound great, honey," Alex cooed.

Alison chose that moment to grumble, illustrating her frustration at being left out of the noisy conversation happening right outside the room where she was trying to sleep.

"And that would be my grouchy, tired, grumpy daughter!" Bev quipped, ducking back into the bedroom to soothe the disgruntled tot.

"Maybe we should move this to the lounge. What say you, Greg? Would you like a juice box?" Alex asked, quietening her voice and holding out her hand to lead her Godson away from where his mother was trying to get Alison to settle again.

"Yes please," he replied, trailing in Alex's wake, clinging tightly to her hand as though he still couldn't quite believe that she was real.

"What about you, Liv?" Alex called over her shoulder, assuming the detective would be following behind them.

"I think I'm a bit big for a juice box but I'd love a coffee," the brunette quipped, hauling herself to her feet and trotting after the pair. "You want to sort out Superagent Greg and I'll put a pot on?"

Her nickname earned her a deep belly laugh from the little boy whom, Liv noticed, pulled himself up to his tallest height as though to live up to the title.

"I think I can manage that," Alex replied thoughtfully. "Is orange still your favourite, Greg?"

"Uh-huh, yes please, Auntie Allie," Greg informed her seriously as she hoisted him up to sit on one of the stools at the breakfast bar.

Alex and Liv worked seamlessly side by side in the small kitchen, one making a pot of coffee and reaching mugs down from the cupboard above the back worktop while the other fetched a juice box from the fridge and set about cutting some fruit up to make a snack platter to tide her guests over until they decided on what type of takeout they were having for dinner. Bev watched their interactions as she approached, the ease with which they manoeuvred in each other's space. A soft smile settled over her face as she watched Alex hand a slice of apple to her son before playfully swatting Olivia's hand away when she tried to steal a piece for herself. Relenting, Alex picked up a wedge of the ripe fruit, slipped it between Liv's full lips and then brought her hand to her own mouth to cleanse it of the fruit juice. Deciding that she had lingered in the shadows long enough, Bev strolled in to the kitchen, making her presence known as she filed the images she had witnessed away for further consideration at a later time.

"Ah Beverley, just in time. Can I interest you in a coffee? The pot's just brewed," Liv enquired, brandishing a large mug in invitation.

"A coffee would be divine, thank you," Bev groaned as she slumped into the stool beside her son, rubbing his back affectionately as she watched him wolf down the drink he had been given. "Slow down there, sport, otherwise you'll choke."

The quartet merrily munched on the snacks Alex had prepared, chatting amicably over their drinks and catching up on each other's news. It escaped neither Alex's nor Bev's attention that Olivia offered least to the conversation, rather deferring to the two old friends and allowing them to reconnect. After a short while, the detective noticed Greg wriggling and beginning to look bored with the grown up talk going on around him.

"So Greg, how are you at video games?" she asked during a natural pause in the conversation.

"Do you have some?" he asked, eyes lighting up at the prospect of doing something more fun than sitting around listening to talk he didn't understand.

"We sure do. Want to come and have a look what we've got, see if there are any you think you can beat me at?" Liv challenged with a grin.

"What console do you got?" Greg asked, swivelling in his seat to keep facing Liv as she rounded the breakfast bar.

"X-box 360," Liv announced with pride. The games machine had been retrieved from Liv's apartment when they had called in to pick up her mail. Liv had persuaded the attorney that it would be a useful addition to the not exactly child-friendly apartment in readiness for Greg's arrival and, reluctantly, Alex had agreed.

"Awesome! I got one of those at home!" Greg exclaimed excitedly, scrambling to get down from his perch and racing over to where Olivia now stood. "You don't just have a bunch of girls' games, do you?" he asked sceptically.

"FIFA 2010, NBA 2K10, SEGA Superstars Tennis, Tony Hawk's Project 8, Need for Speed: Shift, Colin McRae: Dirt 2." The list stretched on endlessly, with Liv diplomatically editing out the more violent games she owned. Not that many of those had found their way to Alex's apartment, Liv's bloodlust somewhat diminished by what she had witnessed firsthand in real life. Annihilating characters onscreen no longer held the same thrill for her and there were some games which she had determinedly stated would be being donated to charity stores or otherwise disposed of. Greg trailed after the tall brunette, eyes alight with glee at the range of titles he could choose from to play, figuring that he would be able to beat his opponent hands down – after all, she was only a girl!

"She's a natural with him," Bev commented as the pair left the room, switching her gaze from the retreating backs to the woman across the counter from her. "How did you two meet?"

"I work with Liv. She's a detective in the squad that I prosecute cases with," Alex replied, not realising that a soft smile had firmly attached itself to her lips. "She has to deal with kids a fair amount in her line of work so she's used to putting them at ease and getting them onside but yeah, mostly it's just natural talent."

"You two seem close…" the buxom brunette subtly pressed, wondering if her eyes had been deceiving her earlier with the fruit incident.

"It took us a while but… we've been close friends for many years, since before I went into the programme. Liv was there the night I got shot, she was the one to administer emergency aid and keep me alive until the paramedics took over. Something like that, it creates a bond that isn't easily broken," Alex explained sombrely.

"So she's just a friend?" Bev pumped a little more.

"Of course! Like I said earlier, Liv watched her partner die in front of her just a few weeks ago…" Alex protested vehemently, unable to prevent the flash of disappointment which coursed through her.

"Oh, you meant romantic partner – I just assumed, I mean you'd mentioned she was a police officer, so I thought you meant her work partner, a colleague. Oh God, that must have been awful for her! Were they together long?"

"Almost twelve months. She's… she's beginning to get there I think though. We have good days and not so good days. Getting back to work has been helpful for her, gives her something to occupy her days with, less time to think about how much she misses Sam," Alex expounded, expression turning introspective.

"Sam, that was her boyfriend who got killed?" Bev sought clarification.

"Her girlfriend. Sam was short for Samia. She was a school teacher and about the best thing to happen to Liv in a very long time, possibly ever," Alex provided proudly.

"Her girlfriend?" Bev queried with raised eyebrows, receiving a curt nod in return. "And you frequently share a bed with her?"

"Just because she had a relationship with a woman doesn't make her incapable of being around women without having sex with them, Bev. I never took you for a bigot." Alex seriously began to doubt the wisdom of inviting the woman she thought she knew to stay.

"I'm not, Allie, honestly I'm not. That wasn't what I was trying to say at all. I merely meant that… you're a very attractive woman and if I were that way inclined, I'd find it difficult to share a bed with you platonically," Bev attempted in what she hoped was a smooth recovery from her foot in mouth outbreak.

"Not if you'd lost the person you believed to be the love of your life, especially in the manner that Liv lost Sam," Alex insisted, brushing off the compliment.

"I wouldn't be so sure there isn't some attraction on her part. I watched you both earlier, when you were cutting the fruit up and she tried to steal a piece of apple. There really did seem to be some kind of spark between you." Bev retrieved a piece of the aforementioned fruit, biting into it as she regarded the healthy flush of colour spreading over Alex's cheeks.

"It's… there's… we're just friends. That's all. Just friends," Alex stated, though neither woman was sure which of them she was trying to convince. "Anyway, shall we order something for dinner? Is pizza ok with you?"

Sensing that she would only alienate the other woman if she attempted to pry further, the voluptuous brunette backed off, allowing her friend the change of topic. "Sure, pizza is great. Greg's a fussy little devil, will only eat ham and pineapple I'm afraid."

"That's fine, we'll get an individual one of those and a family-size one with different toppings on if you let me know what you want. Liv's pretty predictable, she likes it with every kind of meat topping there is going on it," Alex rambled, grateful for the reprieve from questions which had been straying into too murky waters for her liking. It had been one thing to admit her attraction towards Olivia to Abbie but to tell Bev would be an entirely different matter altogether.

"Sounds good to me – heart attack on a plate!" Bev quipped, determined to lighten the tension which was coming off Alex in waves.

"Ok, let me call it in," Alex requested scooting over to the wall phone by the kitchen door and dialling a number which was far too familiar to be really healthy. Bev took advantage of the brief lull in conversation to nip and check on Alison, finding her slumbering peacefully and so wandering back into the kitchen but not before poking her head around the corner of the lounge. She re-entered the kitchen with a bright smile in place.

"I think Greg's in love!" she jested, placing a hand over her heart and mimicking the look of impressed adoration she had spied her son wearing moments earlier.

Alex let out a surprised bark of laughter. "Should I be worried about my hero status?"

"I fear you may have to, Olivia seems to be making quite an impression on him," came the earnest reply. Both women laughed, genuine smiles on their faces as the tension from earlier ebbed into the distance.

"So how are things with Tony? You've made a beautiful daughter between you," Alex congratulated, pleased that the fragile, wounded soul she had met in Arizona had taken the chance on the man who was obviously bringing her a great deal of happiness.

"Thank you, honey," Bev replied, truthfully delighting in the praise for her youngest child. "Tony is a great man. I'm so lucky to have him in my life. He's part of the reason we're here actually. I was wondering if I could pick your brains while I'm in town about whether there are any schools you'd recommend here and give me some pointers on which areas to avoid when apartment hunting. There's a firm who are trying to headhunt Tony but it would mean relocating to New York. Think you could handle us being back in your life a little more?"

"I'd love for you to be here in New York, Bev. I've missed you and Greg so much since I had to move and I'd like the chance to see him and Alison grow up. I'd be more than happy to give you a rundown of where to avoid and perhaps Liv could help you out regarding a school since she's dealt with a fair few through her job, not to mention through Sam being a teacher." Alex propped her head on her hand, pondering already where to suggest they look for accommodation which would suit them all.

"We've not mentioned it in front of Greg yet. We don't want him to get anxious about moving if it's not going to happen," Bev mentioned, just in case small ears overheard any talk during their stay.

"I'll be sure not to let it slip," Alex promised understandingly, just in the nick of time too as a blur of dark brown hair barrelled into the kitchen from the lounge.

"Mom, Mom! I beat Liv in best out of five at tennis and I did it all by myself, she didn't let me win, not like Tony does when he plays me. Liv played real well and I had to play my best to win," Greg babbled excitedly, delighted at having won. The older woman had surprised him with how well she played and it had taken all his concentration to beat her, making him all the prouder of his achievement.

"Wow, that's great, honey," Bev told the child, kindly.

"Well done, kiddo," Alex exclaimed, high-fiving the excitable boy. She spied Olivia hovering in the background, watching with amusement. As the brunette became aware of her audience, she painted a mock pout on her face, pretending to be distraught at her loss. "Aw, is my big, strong, detective sad at losing?" Alex jibed playfully. Olivia simply nodded, continuing their ruse. Alex bent down and whispered something in Greg's ear before the pair of them rushed at the brunette and captured her in a huge bear hug, albeit Greg's around her knees. Liv couldn't maintain her 'sad' face any longer and broke out into peals of laughter. Bev too watched the spectacle with a wide grin.

"We did it, Auntie Allie, we made Liv smile," Greg reported with pride.

"That we did, matey-boy. No one can resist a hug can they?" Alex confirmed, oblivious to the fact that her arm still rested casually around Liv's waist. Liv's arm too was still wrapped around Alex's trim waist, her free hand gently ruffling the thick, almost-black curls on the back of Greg's head.

"Nope, hugs make _everything_ better," Greg told the gathered adults confidently.

"When they come from you guys, they sure do," Liv agreed, genuinely feeling lighter and happier than she had in weeks. She sent a smile and a wink at her new fan before switching her gaze to an amazed Alex. There was a twinkle, a sparkle, in those hazelnut eyes which had been sadly, though understandably, lacking since Sam's death. For the first time, Alex dared to hope that Liv would again find that carefree side of herself, would allow herself to be truly happy again. Olivia leant her head closer to Alex and placed the gentlest, most tender of chaste kisses against the peachy skin of her cheek, whispering, "thank you," in her ear as she did so. Not trusting her voice, Alex simply offered a dreamy nod in reply. The spell was broken by the intercom buzzing, announcing the arrival of the pizzas.

"I'll go grab them if you guys want to set the table or whatever," Liv offered. "Want to come give me a hand, Greg?"

"Can I Mom?" Greg asked, delighted to have been asked.

"Ok, but stay beside Olivia at all times and do as she says," Bev instructed firmly, receiving a fervent nod as confirmation.

Once they'd walked out of the door, Alex offered, "I don't think you need worry about him defying Liv or leaving her side, I think he's too besotted with her to go anywhere without her!"

"I'd be inclined to suggest that he's not the only one," Bev rejoined, one raised eyebrow daring Alex to deny it.

"It's not going to happen Beverley, even if I really wish it would. Liv needs me as her friend and that's what I intend to be." Alex moved back into the kitchen to reach plates down from the cupboard, setting them on the breakfast bar before retrieving cutlery and serving implements.

"That may be true right now but give it time and you might find you're able to offer each other so much more than that. Just tell me this Alex, is she the one? Your lost love?" Bev asked softly, rounding the counter to be nearer to her friend.

Alex sucked in a deep, tired breath before sighing, "yes." The blonde found herself swept up in a tight hug, tears pricking at her eyes as she once again struggled to accept that whatever might once have happened between herself and Olivia disappeared the same night Alex Cabot had been 'killed'.

"Don't be so sure she's lost. I have a feeling it's more like temporarily misplaced," Bev assured supportively.

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><p><em><strong>Monday March 2<strong>__**nd**__** 2009**_

_**23.12**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

As Olivia stepped out of the en-suite bathroom in grey flannel sleep shorts and a fitted white cotton tank, Alex turned the page of her novel, eyes steadfastly remaining fixed on the book in her hands rather than allowing herself to be distracted by the swarthy skinned detective. The main light was already turned off, the room softly illuminated by just the bedside lamps, giving the room a cosy, comfortable ambience. Alex had been amazed by how easily she and Bev had fallen back into their familiar style of friendship throughout the evening, the visitor glad to see that 'Alison' had not been a total sham, that large parts of her were still familiar in Alex. For Olivia, it had been more enlightening. Whilst she had witnessed Alex around children in her role with SVU, never had she seen the side of her which appeared in the company of Greg and Alison that evening. The brunette had been more than happy to sit back for the most part and watch the younger woman's interactions, finding herself smiling more often than not, amazed at how the fierce, formidable attorney was so gentle, so natural, so affectionate towards the youngsters, especially Greg who obviously still adored his Godmother. It made her realise how different the 'new' incarnation of Alex was, or at least could be if she amalgamated the care-free, social butterfly Alison with the workaholic, serious but caring, loyal and generous Alex.

"I really enjoyed this evening. You're great with the kids," Liv stated kindly as she slid beneath the covers, grateful to be out of the chill night air.

"Thank you," Alex murmured. "It's been great catching up with her again and it's down to you that I have that chance. If you hadn't persuaded me I should get in touch with her again, I'd still not have taken that leap. So thank you as well for giving me the push that I needed, I'm really glad you did."

"Me too. You're so much more relaxed with them, it doesn't seem like you feel the need to 'be a Cabot' when you're in their company," Liv observed with interest, turning on her side and propping her head on her hand, elbow pressing into her pillow as she gazed up at her friend.

Alex pushed her book onto the bedside table, sliding her glasses off and twisting her head around to meet Olivia's gaze. "I suppose that's because I wasn't, I _couldn't_ be a Cabot when I met them and got to know them. I was doing everything I could not to act like I usually would for fear of sticking out like a sore thumb. I learned while I was Emily that the best way to blend in is to mimic those around you, adapt your behaviour to bring it in line with theirs. The last thing I wanted to do was to draw a lot of attention to myself. When I arrived in Clarkdale, I was so glad to see it was a decent sized place. I thought that meant I could be more anonymous and my arrival would go unnoticed. And for the most part it was like that, the majority of people barely acknowledged me even in passing. But Bev was different. She lived in the same street as me and went out of her way to befriend me. I think, because she was on her own and saw me as a woman living alone, she figured we could maybe both use the company. At first I wasn't so sure it was a good idea, I was in another new place, trying to remember who I was supposed to and didn't want to get too close to anyone in case I slipped up, and partly because I half expected to have to move again having resurfaced for the Connors trial. I was grieving losing myself, losing my friends, my family all over again but she persevered and I began to relax enough to learn that even if the circumstances had been different, she was someone I'd have wanted to be friends with. I really do think having her there throughout my time in Clarkdale made the difference between me going mad and not. I needed a friend more than I realised and in a lot of ways, she reminded me a little of you which went some way towards comforting me while I couldn't have the real you," Alex admitted timidly, her pale skin flushing slightly.

"I'm glad you found someone you could share some happy times with, Al. I hated thinking of you being so alone and I did think of you, often. From what I've seen this evening, had I been in Bev's shoes, I hope to think I would have pushed beyond your initial reserved reticence too. I think I'd have liked Alison a lot," Olivia replied with a soft smile, reaching, with the hand she wasn't leaning on, across the short space between them and squeezing a blanket covered calf.

"More than you like me?" Alex asked. Despite the hint of humour in her tone, the attorney's face betrayed her anxiety at the prospect of having become a lesser person in her friend's eyes.

"Not possible," Olivia assured her instantly. "You're my best friend, I love you. Besides, Alison _is_ you, 'Lex. She's not a total stranger to me – she's very much like the you I was beginning to see before Velez, the you that came out of hiding after a few glasses of wine over dinner, the you that I got to see because you chose to share that side of yourself with me. I cherished those moments, those times when you let your guard slip just a little and allowed me to see who you might be if you didn't have so many external pressures and burdens and expectations resting on you. I think Alison is the you that you would be if you hadn't been raised a Cabot and I think it is highly possible that you can and will find some middle ground between both sides of yourself where you feel comfortable and confident and happy with who you are."

Alex's expression turned pensive as she considered what Liv was saying and the uncanny truth in it. "I think…I'd never realised until you said that just now but…once I adapted to _being_ Alison, I think that's probably the most free I've ever felt. I wore what I was comfortable in within my budget. I ate where I wanted to, what I wanted to. I exercised how and when I felt like it. I found a job that I actually liked – not as much as being an attorney but it was interesting and I got to meet people and in a way help them, albeit I was only helping them to understand exhibits in a museum but still…" Alex trailed off.

"I imagine you inspired many a person to read around for further information on those exhibits. You have a way of capturing an audience, of drawing them in and getting them to hang off your every word. That's partly what makes you a damn good prosecutor, you can be very persuasive when you want to be." A mental image formed in Olivia's head of a rapt group of tourists surrounding Alex in front of an exhibition of local historical interest. Eyes twinkling mischievously, she sat up and reached across to the nightstand, sweeping up the discarded glasses with nimble fingers. "Did you wear glasses when you were giving your presentations?" Alex nodded, swallowing thickly as the brunette slid the dark frames home, settling them perfectly onto the attorney's face. "Mm-hmm, I'd have stayed to listen to you," Liv purred, losing herself in the swirling depths of the baby-blue eyes before her.

Alex remained silent, not trusting her voice not to betray her rapidly increasing discomfort at their close proximity. She dared not move, barely even breathing as they hovered well within one another's personal space. The air around them was becoming charged with a kind of tension that the blonde had never experienced to that degree before. "Liv," she finally breathed at length, not sure herself whether it was a plea or a desperate cry to save her from drowning. Their closeness, the sweet yet spicy scent of the stunning brunette, the adoring way she was gazing at her with those doleful chocolate eyes were all threatening to test Alex's resolve to maintain a platonic relationship to its very limits.

"You are so beautiful," Olivia informed her reverently, voice drifting over her companion like a physical caress.

Blue eyes fluttered shut as Alex released a quiet whimper. "I wish things were different," she admitted, voice so low Olivia wasn't certain she had meant to speak aloud.

"Oh honey…" Liv murmured, scooping the younger woman into her arms and holding her close, rocking her gently and soothing one hand in circles over the toned expanse of her cotton covered back.

The bare flesh taunted Alex's cheek, where it was nestled into the crook of the brunette's neck and shoulder. The embrace was a potent mix of comfort and torture, her body responding in confusing ways to the turn their conversation had taken and its resulting bodily contact. Her nipples hardened painfully even as her muscles turned to liquid, causing her to lean more heavily on the solid, muscular body of her bedmate.

"Lie down with me, 'Lex," Liv instructed quietly, already guiding the younger woman to scoot further down the bed. Liv gently slipped the glasses from her friend's face replacing them on the nightstand.

Alex grabbed the sheets and pulled them higher, hoping to mask the telltale signs of her arousal which were plainly visible through her fitted Spongebob pyjama tee. The brunette settled beside her, reaching across to take hold of the hand furthest away and pulling it back with her own, drawing it over her waist which encouraged Alex to roll onto her side to remain pain-free.

"You're still healing, I could unintentionally hurt you if I keep my arm there," Alex protested weakly, even as she lifted her head to allow Liv's right arm to snake its way around her shoulders.

"I'm fine, I can barely feel it anymore. Aren't you comfortable?" Liv assured her.

"Yes," she croaked, even as her mind supplied any number of alternative adjectives for how she was feeling.

"Then there's no reason at all to move," Liv stated confidently, using her right arm to manoeuvre the blonde closer still until there was no gap between them, their bodies pressed tightly against one another.

'_No reason at all_,' thought Alex, '_except that one minor thing where I'm likely to do something we both regret any moment!_'

"Things will change, Al. They will and they'll get better and brighter and happier, you'll see," the brunette murmured, already succumbing to her need for sleep, content to be holding her closest friend in her arms. Alex doubted that sleep would be visiting her any time soon. Releasing a deep sigh, she resigned herself to a long night of exercising every last ounce of willpower.


	40. Chapter 40

_**Disclaimer: see chapter one.**_

_**Wow... just wow! So many reviews for that last chapter, I'm speechless! In thanks, I thought I'd upload this chapter today - I was going to hang fire for another day in the hopes I could get a few chapters head start but this one is just begging to be released into the wild. So without further ado, onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**06.58**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex slowly became aware of her surroundings as consciousness crept in. She brought one hand to her face, brushing away the hair which had fallen across it in an attempt to clear her vision enough to see the clock. Her view was obstructed by the generous swell of Olivia's chest, a sight Alex had to concede was a very pleasant one to wake up to. Neither woman appeared to have moved much during the night. Liv still lay on her back, cradling Alex to her with one arm securely wrapped around her, though the attorney did note with interest that Olivia's hand now rested at the top swell of her buttocks, rather than around her waist as it had been when she finally dozed off to sleep. Their legs too had shifted, becoming entwined of their own accord, adding to the suggested intimacy of their embrace. The alarm on Olivia's watch sounded briefly before the brunette slapped it into silence.

"Morning," Liv greeted through a yawn, as though waking this way was the most natural thing in the world. Her right hand slowly began to meander up Alex's spine, dipping below the turquoise t-shirt the attorney wore and caressing her smooth, naked skin beneath it. "Did you sleep well?"

"Uh…yeah…I uh…I think so," Alex stammered, hoping the detective would brush it off as an early morning bout of incoherence. "Did you?" she asked almost as an afterthought, distracted as she was by the delicate patterns being traced on her skin.

"Mmmmm, I did. I don't remember a single nightmare. That's got to be the first time that's happened in the last few weeks. I'm beginning to think you have a magic touch," Liv informed the woman in her arms, oblivious to the increased respiration and coiled tension.

Unable to take it anymore, Alex requested plaintively, "Liv, could you umm… Do you mind… Can you take your hand out from under my shirt?" It finally blurted out in a scrambled rush, accompanied by a deep red blush.

The hand froze before being withdrawn as though scolded, flopping back onto the bed and remaining stock still there. "God, Alex, I'm sorry, I didn't even realise I was doing that. I'm really, really sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable…" It was Olivia's turn to ramble, mentally kicking herself.

"Uncomfortable isn't quite the word I'd use," Alex confessed with a brief, self-deprecating scoff of laughter. At the brunette's look of utter confusion, Alex explained, "I'm only human, Liv, one who recently acknowledged her sexual preference lies with women…and you are a very beautiful woman." She watched as the light of understanding switched on in her friend.

"Ah…" Liv squeaked out, suddenly becoming hyperaware of how they were lying and how many body parts were touching.

"Yeah. Sorry. Seems my libido needs a leash since Carmichael showed me the error of my ways." Alex attempted to hide behind humour to dispel any embarrassment before it could reach epic proportions and threaten to drive yet another wedge between them.

"No…no, it's my fault. I shouldn't have acted that way, it's inappropriate for me to be groping you…" Despite their discussion, neither woman made a move to separate.

"I'd hardly class that as groping me, Olivia. I certainly wouldn't take it as a case if that's all that occurred, it's not even a misdemeanour. You don't see me leaping out of bed and demanding your arrest, do you?" Alex attempted to inject a little humour at their situation into her words.

"No, but still…" the detective attempted to berate herself once again, only to be hushed by a pair of slender fingers pressing themselves against her lips.

"I'm the only one who needs to apologise here. I shouldn't let my body go there with you. I should have more restraint. You're my friend and you're grieving for Sam and…" It was Alex's turn to be silenced.

"Alex, it's ok and if I'm honest, I'm flattered…" Olivia began, trailing off as she floundered to express herself.

"My turn to be sorry for making you uncomfortable – and please believe me when I say that I didn't tell you because I have any kind of notion of making a move on you. I wouldn't do that to you, to Sam, to our friendship. I know you don't and will never see me that way and that's fine. Hell, I've only just accepted that I'm interested in women, there's no way I'm looking to get into anything with anyone until I've got my head around _that_..." Olivia found Alex's rambling adorable but felt the need to correct one of her assumptions.

"It's not strictly true that I could _never_ see you as more than a friend, Al. Before you had to leave… I hoped for something more than plain friendship to develop between us and I would have welcomed it. If you'd stayed - if you'd been able to stay - I always thought perhaps I might have eventually grown enough of a backbone and asked you to explore this chemistry that I think I've felt between us." Olivia drew in a deep breath, her mind awhirl with a confusing mix of emotions. Shuffling further down the bed so that she could look into Alex's eyes, the brunette continued, "I realise you may not want to wait around on the off chance of something… of the timing ever being right for us to see if this is anything more than a very close friendship and I understand that, honestly I do, but I just want you to know that you're not alone in feeling it. There are times, even still, that I look at you and it takes my breath away, literally. You are a stunningly beautiful woman, Allie," Liv murmured, the use of Bev's nickname for her making the younger woman smile softly despite the pooled tears in her eyes.

"I think, if I knew there was the slightest, remotest chance of you ever, _ever_ being willing to go on a date with me, I'd wait for all eternity for you to be ready," the blonde whispered, every emotion she was feeling clearly telegraphed across her patrician features.

"Then consider this a promise from me to you: When that day comes, if you're still single, I will be honoured to take you on that date. But I have just one condition," Olivia stated, her own voice thick with unshed tears. Seeing that she had Alex's undivided attention, she laid out her terms. "You have to promise me that you won't close yourself off to the possibility of there being someone else out there for you, someone who can give you all the love and happiness you deserve much sooner than I can try to. You can't put your life on hold indefinitely and risk losing someone far more deserving of your love. If I'd done that when you had to go away, I'd never have known what I had the privilege to share with Sam. Promise me, please 'Lex, that you'll at least try to keep an open mind and an open heart to those around you? If anything between us is meant to be, it will be." Both women had tears rolling down their cheeks as they drew closer, resting their foreheads against one another's and clasping their free hands together tightly.

"I'll try," Alex choked out, recognising the validity of what her friend was saying but fearing it was too much to ask of her.

"That's good enough for me. Consider me your fallback girl; if you've not found your true love, settled down and begun your happy ever after by the time I'm in the right place to start dating again, then I'll gladly take you out and be the envy of all New York." Using their conjoined hands, Olivia tilted Alex's chin up, bringing their faces level on a single pillow. She pressed a brief chaste kiss to the quilted lips so close to her own in a symbolic sealing of the deal. They rested closely together, breath mingling with one another's for long, silent moments, each attempting to digest what had just happened. With an apologetic groan, the detective rolled away onto her back. "I've got to get ready for work."

"I know," Alex murmured, unable to move, still in such shock was she.

"Can I have my arm then?" Liv requested with an amused grin and one eyebrow cocked.

"What? Oh yeah…of course…sorry," the embarrassed attorney stuttered quickly raising herself up sufficiently for the brunette to retrieve the limb which had been the catalyst for their stunning conversation.

"Are we ok? I mean, this isn't going to make things strange between us is it?" Liv asked. "Because, I'm sure I could stay with Gina and Fausto until I can face going back to my own place if you'd rather have some space now."

"No! No, I really don't want you to feel like you've got to leave. Gosh, Liv, it's… it might take me a few hours to process all that but I very much want you to stay. So no more disappearing acts ok? I want you here…with me…as my friend and…fallback girl."

The wide smile that lit Olivia's face etched itself into Alex's brain, seared there as though branded by a heated iron. It was a smile that she determined she would do whatever it took to reproduce, as often as she could.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**09.14**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

Olivia strolled into the bullpen, tray of coffees in one hand and box of donuts balanced on the other palm. She slid the goodies onto the side of her desk, plucking a couple of drinks out and walking them over to Munch and Fin's desks, depositing each of them in front of the appropriate detective without flourish. Returning to her own desk, she reached for the next tall, steaming cup, slipping it onto her partner's desk with a tentative smile.

"Not that I'm complaining Liv but what's all this in aid of?" Fin asked, lifting the cup to his face and inhaling the scent of the freshly ground, perfectly prepared caffeinated nourishment.

"It's a thank you to you all," she explained, "for all your support over the last few weeks." She paused, looking directly at Elliot as she continued, "and an apology; for not trusting you enough to tell you I'd met someone and also for not being the easiest person to be around recently."

"You know that's not necessary," Elliot stated firmly, the kindness in his eyes letting the brunette know he appreciated the gesture all the same.

"Liv, _you_ don't need to apologise for grieving. I'd be first in line to kick your butt if you weren't," Fin argued with a pointed glare in Elliot's direction.

"He's right," Elliot rejoined, expression of contrition firmly etched on his face. "I'm the one who owes you yet another apology," he said waving away his partner's attempts to interrupt him. "I've been a grade A ass to you. I've spent a lot of time looking at why that was and you know what I realised? I realised that I miss you and I let my jealousy that someone else was getting your time, your attention, get the better of me. So, I'm sorry for being possibly the biggest jerk on the planet. Who you love is none of my concern so long as they treat you right. I am glad, you know, that you had that time with Sam, that you knew that kind of happiness and I'm pissed as all Hell that some scumbag stole her from you. I know it may not happen for a very long time but I hope you find someone again who will make you as happy, as content, as loved as you've been the last few months. We did all see the effects of it in you, even when you denied it and told us you weren't seeing anyone. Sam went with you to the presentation when you got your medal last summer, right?" Olivia nodded warily, still a little on her guard despite her colleague's unprecedented public apology. "I know you probably already have a framed print from that day but I persuaded the Captain to let me get another copy done from one of the photos he and Alex took. It won't make up for the way I reacted or the way I've treated you but I wanted to give you something to show you in some small way that I really am sorry." Elliot pulled a carefully wrapped package out of his desk drawer, holding it out towards the dumbstruck brunette.

"El…" she faltered, throat tightening and hands shaking as she reached for the gift. The trembling in her fingers made opening it more difficult than it should have been. She gasped as the paper finally fell away. Nestled snugly in a simple, plain yet fitting silver frame, engraved with the word 'Forever' beneath the picture, was one of the candid shots Alex had taken on that day in July. In the image, a close up of their profiles, Sam and herself were gazing at one another, completely oblivious of their surroundings. Each wore beaming grins and their obvious adoration for the other shone through brightly from the expressions on their faces. Sam had one hand cupping Olivia's cheek and the brunette recalled the moment with startling clarity, remembering how Sam had been professing her pride in the detective and how much of an honour she considered being included in the celebration.

"I thought maybe you might like to keep it on your desk, where family portraits and pictures of loved ones should be," Elliot murmured, hoping from her silence that she was simply a little overawed and he hadn't managed to yet again read the situation completely wrong.

A single fingertip traced the outline of Sam's profile as Liv once again gazed upon the face of the woman she loved so fiercely. "It's beautiful…" she murmured.

Munch and Fin wandered over, deciding that it was safe to enter the territory around the feuding detectives desks now that a cease fire appeared to have been called, at least temporarily.

"Wow, Liv, you have great taste in women!" Fin remarked with a low whistle.

"A little crass but my esteemed colleague does indeed have a valid point. You made a stunning couple," Munch agreed kindly.

Olivia gently, reverently, placed the photograph on her desk before going back around to where Elliot sat nervously. She stood beside him, attempting to reign in her emotions, and beckoned for him to stand. He rose from his seat, bracing himself for a slap but it never came. Instead, he felt himself being pulled into a tight, strong embrace.

"Thank you…so much," she breathed into his ear, much as he had done at the hospital after seeing Eli for the first time, in deference to Liv's part in delivering the youngest of his children and in relief at her being ok following the crash with precipitated the early birth. The two partners drew apart to find that their audience had returned to their own desks, but not before they had raided the stash of donuts the brunette had brought with her. Turning to move back around to her own desk, she caught sight of Captain Cragen watching them through the blinds over the windows into his office. The older man gave her a firm nod of approval before resuming his own work. Picking up the final drink beside her own, she carried it towards the senior officer's room, knocking quietly and waiting for permission before entering.

"Detective Benson, did I miss something or has Christmas come exceptionally early this year?" Don queried with an affectionately bemused half-smile.

"Just trying to make amends and smooth over the waters a little, Captain. I thought we could all use something decent to drink too after days of surviving on Munch's stewed brew." Olivia placed the cup she was carrying onto the older man's desk with a grateful smile. "It's a little belated but I wanted to thank you for trusting me. I know it was unorthodox to let me go out to Theresa under the circumstances and if you take any heat for it, I'm willing to shoulder all responsibility for it."

"There'll be no heat to be felt, Liv. You did a great job with her and you look like it did you some good as well," the captain assured, confident that there would be no repercussions for sending his detective out there and willing to accept the consequences if there were.

"It did, a lot of things that day made me open my eyes more to what was going on around me rather than being so focused on what was going on inside me. I've agreed to stay with Alex for the time being and my lease is up soon on my apartment so I've been thinking I might just look at renting a new place. It might do me good to have a fresh start. I can take with me what I want of Sam's to remember her by and so that she's still part of my life in the new place but it won't be as painful as seeing her ghost in every corner."

"That does sound like a healthy solution. Be sure to let me know when you have your new address so I can update your file, ok?" Don requested before inviting his detective to go about her work.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**14.37**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"That's sorted," Alex announced as she strolled into the kitchen flipping her cellphone shut. "Liv has been ordered to finish early today since she's put in more hours than she should the last couple of days so she's on her way home now. She said she'd be more than happy to sit with Greg and Alison for a couple of hours." The attorney opted not to mention why she and Bev would be going out alone in deference to the presence of young ears. She had called her realtor earlier that day and made enquiries about availability of apartments. Due to her connections and the Cabot influence, the woman had pulled out all the stops and arranged a couple of viewings for them late that same afternoon. As soon as they were confirmed, Alex had phoned Liv to see if it would be possible for her to watch the two youngsters while she accompanied her friend. The detective had just phoned back to let Alex know Don had agreed to her finishing mid-afternoon since she was still on limited hours as part of her recuperation period.

"You're like a whirlwind! Are you always like this?" Bev asked with an amused quirk of her lips indicating her good humour.

"Like what?" Alex queried, genuinely perplexed.

"Like so organised? I only mentioned this in passing yesterday and already you're arranging appointments. I mean, don't get me wrong, I appreciate you pulling strings and getting us in places so quickly I'm just not used to having a friend with such influence." Beverley hoped that Alex wouldn't take offence at her words.

"Well, you're only here for a few days and the sooner you see if this is viable, the sooner you'll be able to help Tony make his mind up, right?"

Beverley released a full, belly laugh at Alex's insinuation that Tony could be bent to her will. "Well it certainly can't harm to be armed with the facts regarding housing options," she admitted with a sly grin.

"Absolutely. What are we going to tell Greg?" Alex questioned, a little concerned that the boy would be reluctant to be left out and unsure whether he had taken to Olivia sufficiently for him to be content alone with the brunette.

"About what? Mom?" a small voice queried from the doorway, tousled dark-haired head peering round the doorjamb.

"About me and Alex going out doing some girly shopping, just the two of us, no men or boys allowed. So I'm going to need you to be every bit the brilliant big brother you are stay here with Alison and Olivia for a little while. You think you can do that?" Bev asked crouching down to the young man's level, face open and inviting complete trust.

"Yes Mom," Greg intoned, parroting the phrase he knew he was supposed to respond with.

"I need you to do me a really big favour too, Greggo," Alex told the child, hoping her mission would appease his being left behind. Seeing she had his rapt attention, the attorney continued, "Olivia got hurt a few weeks ago and is still getting better so I need you to make sure she behaves herself and doesn't do anything that might make her poorly again, ok?"

"Ok Auntie Allie, I'll do my best to make Olivia be good," Greg replied solemnly, determined to make the blonde proud of him.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**15.32**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"Go! Both of you stop fussing, we'll be fine, won't we, Greg?" Liv sighed in mock exasperation.

"Yep, I'm going to beat Olivia again on the Xbox," the young boy stated confidently.

"No games before you've finished that homework I set you," Bev instructed seriously, flicking her gaze between the detective and Greg, making sure they both understood she meant it. "I'll call you after the first appointment and see how you're getting on."

"Relax Bev, Liv's taken care of kids before. She knows what she's doing," Alex assured gently, running a hand unconsciously down the brunette's arm in a gesture of support. Liv merely smiled back tenderly at the attorney in response.

"I have Alex on speed dial in case anything should go drastically wrong but it won't. So go, have fun and get a feel for New York so you can go back with more memories than the inside of this apartment!" Liv was pleased to see the fractious mother crack a genuine smile.

"Why can't I come to?" Greg asked with a slight whine in his voice, disappointed at being left behind now it was actually happening.

"Because it's a girls only trip," Bev supplied immediately. "If you'd rather tag along while Alex and I try on dresses and perfume and makeup, we can put you in a skirt and tie your hair in bunches so you look like one of the girls," she offered, raising one eyebrow in a challenge to her son to keep pushing.

"So not fair. You get to see New York and I have to do homework," the youngster groused miserably.

"Well, if your Mom says it's ok, how about after you finish your homework, instead of getting the Xbox out, we head out to the park for a little while?" Olivia offered temptingly.

"We could?" Greg cried gleefully, suddenly deciding that staying back with Olivia was by far the better option. "Can we Mom? Please?"

"Only if you get all your work done and it's not too dark out," Bev bargained, watching in amusement as her son scampered off into the dining room to focus on completing the math puzzles he had been set. "Don't let him pester you into taking him out if it is going dark or if you don't feel up to it. He'll be just as happy playing on that machine once he's done his studies if going out isn't an option. We can always head out to the park tomorrow."

"I'll make sure he gets the work completed and we'll take it from there. I hope one of the apartments is something like you're looking for. It'd do Alex good to have other friends around here, for when she's sick and tired of hanging out with me!" Liv quipped earning her a playful swat from the aforementioned blonde.

"Hey, I am right here you know?" she cried indignantly.

"Yeah yeah," Liv brushed her off nonchalantly, a teasing twinkle in her eye. "But you shouldn't be, either of you, you're going to be late. So scoot. Me and the kids will be fine until you get back."

"Alison's dinner is all prepped and ready to just be heated up. The instructions are all there, should be easy enough for you. Call us if she won't settle or Greg gives you any problems…" Bev continued talking even as she was ushered out of the apartment.

Alex turned back just before Liv could shut the door, leaning in close and whispering, "I'll never get tired of spending time with you. We'll be back around six." With a fleeting chaste kiss to the brunette's cheek, Alex turned and hurried off with her newly reacquainted friend in tow.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**18.14**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex and Bev slipped into the apartment, surprised by the deafening silence which greeted them. Alex tugged her jacket off, hanging it in the closet along with Bev's winter coat before toeing off her shoes and padding through to the lounge area in stocking feet. The sight which greeted her as she rounded the corner stole the breath from her lungs. The cushions from the sofa had been dragged to the floor, chairs from the dining room stood around the edge of them to form a frame over which a crisp white sheet had been draped. From inside the makeshift den, two heads were just visible, one shaggy brunette, the other a tangled mass of dark curls. Neither were moving. Momentary panic rose in Alex's chest as fear gripped her heart and her thoughts immediately turned to sinister causes for the disarray.

"I swear that boy will live in a house he's built himself one day!" Bev quipped quietly as she too surveyed the scene. "Give him any chance to make any kind of hideaway and he'll be off constructing before you know what's happening."

Casting her gaze around the rest of the room, Alex released the breath she was unaware she had been holding. No other signs of disturbance or intrusion marred the apartment, satisfying her that the upturned furniture was not the result of a break in. Bev took her tense silence for distress at the mess and hurried to apologise.

"I'll get this lot back to where it should be, it won't take me many minutes," the shorter, stocky woman assured.

"It's fine." Alex waved off the concern before explaining, "I just er… for a moment I thought someone had broken in… that someone had hurt them." Looking back to where the detective and her charges were comfortably slumbering in their makeshift cubbyhole, her face softening as she saw how the two children were arranged around the brunette. Alison was lying on Olivia's front, feet draped over her stomach and head nestled beneath Liv's chin, cheek pressed tightly against the V-shape of naked flesh where the detective's button down shirt had fallen open slightly, assisted by the material being tightly bunched in a tiny, pudgy fist. Greg was snuggled in tightly to Olivia's side, her arm cradling him close to her, hand resting protectively over his shoulder. The young boy had his own arm across Olivia and his little sister as though doing his own part in trying to keep them safe while they slept. A book lay abandoned, balanced on the older woman's thigh, a testament to how the trio had come to be in the position Alex and Bev had found them in.

Bev watched her friend as she gazed over the sleeping inhabitants of the lounge, seeing the fondness in the blonde's expression. With a gentle hand to the small of her back, Bev drew the young woman's attention to her. "Let's let them sleep a few more minutes. Shall we have a drink in the kitchen?" she whispered.

Alex nodded her agreement but veered off in another direction. Retrieving her camera, the attorney snapped off a few shots of the huddled sleepers, getting as close as she dared without risking waking them before retreating and heading in to the kitchen with Bev. "I just had to capture that moment. They all look so cute together."

"Let me see," Bev requested, holding her hand out palm up for the camera.

A little shyly, Alex handed the device to her friend, busying herself with filling the kettle while Bev scrolled through the photos which had just been taken.

"I love that one, can I get a copy of that?" the burly woman asked softly as she gazed at an adorable photo of her children wrapped around Alex's houseguest. The next photo gave her pause. "Wow, that's… Allie that's a beautiful shot," Bev commented reverently. The close-up of the attractive brunette highlighted her beauty. Light and shadow played across the peaceful face, softening the lines of her features and giving an almost soft focus feel to the picture. "You really do care for her a great deal, don't you?"

Gently retrieving the camera, Alex blushed but admitted, "I do. I have done for a very long time."

"Why have you never done anything about it?" Bev questioned, her tone and expression telegraphing that she was genuinely perplexed by the blonde's reticence.

"Timing, a misguided sense of familial responsibility, fear, cowardice, take your pick from a very long list of reasons that it's never happened," Alex confessed, though there was one glaring reason that was missing Bev noticed.

"Not because she's not interested in you then?" Her lips quirked up slightly as startled blue eyes met her own.

"No…" Alex whispered, "not because of that."

"So why didn't you make a move when you got back to New York? Surely then would have been the perfect opportunity for you to reconnect and to see if absence really had made the heart grow fonder."

"Yeah, you'd have thought so," Alex began, "but I was so confused when I got out of the programme. I couldn't have saddled Liv with the burden I was as I tried to find myself again. I'd spent so long doing everything I could not to be Alexandra Cabot that…I just had no idea who I was by the time I came back to New York. Then, by the time I had pulled my head around enough to face seeing anyone from my old life again, Liv was in a relationship with Sam. The first time I went for drinks with Liv when I came back and rejoined the squad Liv works for, I wanted to be honest with her but I was too afraid and then she mentioned her relationship and well, once I'd met Sam, once I'd seen them together, I knew there was no way I could compete. As much as it pained me to stand by and be her friend only, I saw how happy she was, how good Sam was for her and no matter what I felt, there is no way I would ever have denied her that."

"And what about your happiness, honey?" Bev supported Alex's noble intentions and even understood them but her heart ached for the loneliness and solitude that her friend had faced.

"That didn't matter then and it may never matter when it comes to Olivia. So long as she is happy and being loved by someone who deserves her love in return, I won't ever stand in her way. Even if that means that I never share with her what I might like to share with her," Alex insisted, voice strong and unwavering in her commitment to doing right by her closest friend.

Olivia slipped back into the main body of the lounge, sinking into the nearest seat with a dazed expression. Alison snuggled closer in her arms, still contentedly asleep, oblivious to the stunned state of the woman holding her. The brunette's mind was reeling. Following their talk that morning, Liv suspected that Alex had shared her own attraction for some time but had no idea how strong it was, nor how long she had kept it hidden and suppressed it. The fact that the attorney had acted so selflessly and willingly sacrificed her own heart for the sake of Olivia's only served to increase the detective's admiration for her young friend. She sat for a few moments longer, pondering how to broach the subject with the blonde attorney and whether indeed it would be a wise idea to talk to her about it at all given that they were only just reaching some semblance of comfort with one another again following the last miscommunication. Instead of tackling the subject directly, the brunette vowed to make sure that Alex knew how special she was and how valued and appreciated she was at every available opportunity.

"'Livia," a sleepy voice called, pulling her from her reverie.

"I'm here, Greg," she assured him gently. The shaggy-haired young boy crawled out of the den they had rigged up, rubbing his eyes tiredly with balled fists as he struggled to his feet.

"I'm thirsty. Please may I have a drink?" the child asked, trudging towards his minder and wrapping his arms around her legs as she stood.

"Sure you can, Champ," Liv replied, running her freehand through his curls attempting to give them some kind of order and style. Alison still slumbered on, resting very comfortable in the crook of Olivia's neck, looking for all the world like it was her own custom-made bed. Liv steered the groggy child towards the kitchen, keeping an arm around his shoulders in an unconscious gesture of affection. The last vestiges of sleep disappeared from Greg as he saw his Mom and Alex had returned from their trip.

"Mom!" he cried, leaving Liv's side and racing to give his mother a hug. The sudden loud noise woke Alison with a start, causing her to grizzle a little. Bev made to rise, intent on rescuing Olivia before the noise became a cacophony but was amazed when the little girl looked up into the brunette's eyes and instantly stopped crying.

"Hey sleepyhead," Liv cooed with a soft, friendly smile. "That was a long nap, wasn't it?" Alison gurgled in response. "Look, your Mommy's back," the detective continued, angling her body so the infant could see the woman in question. "Want to say hi?" Alison's eyes flicked away from her new idol's face long enough to take in the rest of the kitchen. A big beaming grin lit up her face as she caught sight of her mother and she instantly started flapping her arms up and down in excitement, wriggling in indication that she wanted to go to the woman who had given birth to her. Liv relinquished her hold on the youngster as Bev drew near, allowing the two to be reunited.

"Did you girls have fun?" Liv asked with a cheeky grin.

"Where are all your shopping bags, Mom? You never come home without buying something when you shop at home," Greg announced suspiciously.

"That's because I only ever go food shopping at home, Greg. Alex and I did some window shopping today instead," the mother informed her son, pinching his nose playfully before rescuing her necklace from her daughter's inquisitive grasp.

"But why would you want to buy windows?" Greg asked, confused. Sometimes, he just didn't get adults at all.

"Window shopping means that you look but you don't buy anything, Greggo," Alex explained with a smile, watching as the boy gravitated back to Olivia's side.

"Oh, well that's just silly. What's the point in looking at things you want if you're not going to buy them?" Losing interest in the conversation already, he looked up at Liv and asked, "could I have a drink now, please?"

"You want a juice box or some milk?" Liv queried, oblivious to the amused look the pair were receiving from Bev and Alex.

"A juice box please," Greg replied politely.

Liv nodded in acknowledgement, crossing to the refrigerator before casually asking, "would anyone else like a drink?"

"I'm good thanks. I think I'll go and change Little Miss Stinker here who has just decided to greet me with a request for a nappy change!" Bev announced, content that her son had suffered no separation anxiety during their time apart. In fact, he seemed completely blasé about her presence, so smitten was he with Olivia.

"I think I'll wait and have a glass of wine with dinner," Alex decided, leaning her hip against the breakfast bar and folding her arms over her chest in a pose similar to that which she had frequently adopted at the detective's desk.

"That sounds like a good plan," Liv concurred, handing Greg his drink and crossing the small kitchen to stand beside the attorney. "So it went well?" she asked cryptically, very aware of the young ears present.

"It did, there was a definite contender and I think it's given Bev some things to consider. How about you guys, did you have a fun afternoon? That den looks great," Alex exclaimed excitedly, addressing both her friend and her Godson who had wriggled himself into the stool next to where Liv was leaning.

"I'll clear that up before dinner," the brunette murmured apologetically before it dawned on her that Alex must have seen her asleep in the den before she had been aware of their return. "Wait, you've seen that?"

"Yeah, you all looked so comfy and so cosy, we didn't have the heart to wake you when we got back. Don't worry, I won't let anyone know that bada…umm tough Detective Benson is actually a big softie!" Alex quipped, only just preventing herself form swearing in front of her Godson.

"No one would believe you anyway," Liv claimed smugly.

"Oh but I have the proof," Alex retorted, equally as arrogantly, snatching the camera up and scrolling through the photos she had taken as Liv looked on over her shoulder.

"Can I see too?" Greg asked, desperate not to be left out by the two women. Alex spun away from the counter and settled on the opposite side of the young boy so that he was between herself and Olivia. She held the camera down low enough so that he could see the photos on the view screen without straining his neck. He giggled at a shot of them all, each with mouths open a little, fast asleep and oblivious to the world.

"Ya think it's funny do you, sport?" Liv grumbled jokingly, tickling the child and earning herself a shriek of laughter. That prompted an all out tickle war between the three of them with each of them breaking into fits of laughter.

"Remind me again, which one of you is the child?" Bev asked in mock disapproval as she re-entered the kitchen with a freshly changed Alison on her hip. As she passed, she handed the baby to Alex, prising the camera from her grip as she went. "Huddle in close together. I want a picture of you all together." Alex adjusted Alison to her other hip so the girl wasn't in danger of kicking her brother in the head. Her free hand snaked across the counter at her rear to rest in the small of Olivia's back. Greg sat grinning between them, his face a picture of delight as the two women he adored crowded in on either side. Liv glanced down at him and then across at Alex and Alison and felt a strange sense of belonging settle over her. They looked for all the world like they were posing for a family portrait. And, in a moment of startling clarity, Liv discovered that she really rather liked that idea.


	41. Chapter 41

_**Disclaimer: see chapter one**_

_**26 reviews on that last chapter? OMG, you all are amazing! Who knew getting the dynamic duo in bed together would prove so popular? Lol, well duh, yeah! Thank you to everyone who took the time to write their thoughts in a review and welcome to those who reviewed for the first time. Thanks for reading and I hope you continue to enjoy. Thank you all, seriously, for your incredibly kind words - you are all helping to make this story what it is.**_

_**There were some questions asked/points raised in some of the reviews that I wanted to respond to so here's your answers, lovely people :) I take a very organic approach to writing. An idea may form in my mind but rather than planning it down to the nth detail before actually writing, I prefer to just start writing around it and see what forms, see what my muse throws out there. I find it's easier for me to keep my own interest in the story that way (no stifling of the creativity by having to have a plan in place before writing) and I've found that the chapters flow better and the end product reads better too. So I've got ideas of scenes, events etc which will hopefully happen in the future of this story but I'm not tied to forcing them into the plot if it doesn't feel comfortable or if another option becomes apparent along the way :) The request, nay demand (lol), for smut, well there's a little something something ahead and I do have plans for something more to (hopefully) sate that particular need in the interim (and no, it doesn't involve the return of Abbie so you can put that weird rock thing down again!) Hehehe.**_

_**Oh and an additional disclaimer - I make no apologies for making y'all cry! Lol, sorry ;) Another oh, I have to just do a complete fangirl *squee* at the news Stephanie March/Alex Cabot will be back in SVU for Series 13! Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Thursday January 28<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**20.27**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

"Hi baby," Liv purred as she strolled into the depths of her apartment, locating her lover bent over the work surface, furiously scribbling marks on a test she had given to one of her classes. "What are you doing working so late?"

"It gave me something to do, something to focus on, until you got home. Hi sweetheart," Sam replied, turning her head to accept the sensuous kiss the brunette offered. "How was your day?"

"The usual; low life scum and shattered victims, same old, same old. How about you? Your kids behave themselves for you today? You discovering any little geniuses there?" Liv asked as she flicked her thumb down the edge of the papers her lover was marking.

"The kids were great, they most always are," Sam replied with a defeated sigh.

"But…" the detective prompted, leaning against the counter so that she could face her girlfriend.

"Mr Jackson showed me something today… a petition supposedly signed by a group of parents who object to their children being taught by a deviant," the blonde admitted, eyes downcast.

"Supposedly signed? You don't sound so sure it's genuine," Liv queried, hand resting supportively, affectionately on the younger woman's forearm.

"It doesn't really matter if it is or it isn't genuine. He's still planning on using it to force me to quit my post. He told me that he's obliged to pass on the concerns of so many parents to the school's governors unless I gave him good reason not to, assurances that the insinuations in the petition were incorrect."

"And what insinuations were those?" the detective barked, her fierce protectiveness storming to the fore.

"That I'm using my position to further my own agenda. That I consistently promote a homosexual lifestyle to the children I teach through lesson plans, guided reading material and research projects I set." Sam rose from her seat and wandering a little way away, disgust welling up inside her as fears about the validity of the accusations insidiously wormed their way into her subconscious.

"What the hell does that mean?" Olivia asked askance, turning around so she could still face her partner but giving the teacher the space she so obviously craved.

"It means that as far as these people are concerned, the fact that I pull kids up in my class for using words like 'gay' and 'faggot' and 'lesbian' as derogatory terms is actually a way of enforcing a view that the only acceptable type of relationship is a homosexual one." Sam rubbed her hands tiredly across her face, attempting to erase the memories of how Principal Jackson had spat the words in her face as though they were the most distasteful things he had ever uttered.

"I thought schools were supposed to promote tolerance and acceptance," Liv stated, shocked by the vitriol her lover had been faced with.

"I tried that argument too but Jackson countered it with a lovely snippet from the school's policy manual: 'Employees will not undermine the societal or spiritual beliefs provided to the students by parents or guardians and will promote every student's freedom to express themselves without prejudice'."

"And what about the prejudice faced by those students on the receiving end of that 'freedom of speech'? What about their rights to be protected from hate and bigotry? I thought schools were supposed to encourage enlightenment and allow young people an opportunity to question what society, what their parents and guardians tell them. Does that place want free thinkers who can make their own minds up about what's right and wrong or are they happy to churn out mindless clones of their bigoted parents?" Olivia ranted, furious on her girlfriend's behalf but also on behalf of any child who was made to feel worthless in a system which failed to protect them. "Is this because I came to the fireworks? And to the career day? Have I created this situation for you?" she asked, worried that she had contributed to the growing problem.

"No! No, don't ever think like that. Jackson is a bigoted ass who has been looking for an excuse to get rid of me ever since I started teaching there. I've never hidden my sexuality from the staff, just the same as I've never flaunted it in front of the kids. This is nothing to do with us, with our relationship, and I refuse to let him or their archaic system dictate who I can and can't love. I want to be able to kiss you in public, to hold your hand, to demonstrate my affection for you without having to worry about whether someone might see us who will then use that against me and prevent me from doing the job that I enjoy. I don't understand why that is a problem for anyone else. It's not like I'm hurting anyone by being in a relationship with you or any other woman. I'd never push any one of my children into following any kind of path they weren't happy with, not educationally and certainly not sexually." Sam blew out a breath, trying to reign in her frustration, knowing it was not Olivia's fault and that she should not be the target of her venting.

"I know you wouldn't sweetheart," Liv assured, "I wouldn't think for a moment that you would."

"I know… I know… I'm sorry, I didn't meant to…" Further apologies were silenced by Liv's succulent lips fastening over her own, kissing and caressing the stress away. A strong hand wound its way into her long, flowing, blonde hair, gripping firmly and holding her in place. Her own hands wound around a slender waist, settling on shapely hips and pulling her lover's body flush against her own.

"I love you," the brunette murmured reverently, lips still pressed lightly against Sam's own.

"Marry me?" the younger woman responded, breathlessly. Liv pulled back in surprise, eyebrows almost climbing off her forehead. "Let's go somewhere, to a state where it's legal and recognised, have a ceremony, celebrate this, our love for one another."

"Are you asking because you want to marry me or are you asking because you want to flip off Jackson and anyone else at the school who has shown an issue with your sexuality?" Liv questioned carefully.

The challenge gave the teacher pause for thought. Sam looked deeply into her partner's eyes and saw the fear in them. Her own mind was a tumult of emotions; highs and lows, fears and hopes, committal and anxiety. "Honestly, Liv, right now, I don't entirely know the answer to that. I know that I don't want to know what my life would be like without you now that I know what it can be like with you. I know that I want to expand what we have, I want us to look at getting a place we can truly call ours – not that I don't love and appreciate being here with you, but I'd love us to look at leasing a place with more space, somewhere we would be happy to bring up children, together, as a family. I want you to know that I'll be by your side always, that I'm willing to commit myself, body and soul, to you and only you until the day I die and I want the world at large to know that too. But I can't honestly say that the timing of asking you hasn't been influenced by the blatant discrimination I'm being faced with from the school. Part of me does want to prove to them that I'm not ashamed of who I am by openly marrying my female lover but please, please don't think that it is the only reason. I've been thinking seriously about it ever since you gave me this gorgeous ring at Christmas," Samia informed the stunned detective. "You told me then that if I wanted to, to call it an engagement ring and in my heart, that's what I've taken it to be. I wear it with pride, all the time, as a mark of my partnership with you. I don't want you to think this is just a kneejerk reaction to the petition or anything."

Liv pulled out of the embrace they still rested in, giving herself some space so she could order her thoughts and express them coherently. "It's a lot to think about, Sam. I do feel the same; I want the apartment with space for our family to grow, I want you by my side always and I want the world to know how proud I am that you love me and allow me to love you. If it wasn't for the timing, coming on the back of this conversation, I'd say yes in an instant but… I think… I think we both need some time to really consider this. I need to be sure that it's not in response to what's happening at the school and I think you need that too. If we decided to get married with that hanging over us, I don't know…would it always be there at the back of our minds? If things didn't work out, if we… if for any reason we split up somewhere down the line, would we wonder if it had all been a mistake to change what we have right now? Would we wonder if it hadn't contributed to the relationship failing?" Liv attempted to express her concerns, her reservations, feeling like her heart was in the middle of an emotional tennis match, swinging from elation at the thought of being Sam's wife to terror in case it marked the beginning of the end of something so beautiful.

"You're talking like it's a foregone conclusion that somewhere down the line we'd separate, that we'd fail. Why? Why are you so sure we wouldn't make it? Are you trying to tell me something? Do you have doubts about us? About me?" Sam's anxiety peaked again, heart pounding as she panicked.

"Hey no, _no_," Liv stressed, drawing out the 'o' slightly to emphasize her point. "I trust in you, I trust in us, I trust in our love for one another. I just want to be sure _I_ won't screw it up if we do decide to get married and I want to be sure no one else will screw it up for us either. As sure as I can be about it anyway. I'm not saying no, I'm not saying I won't or don't want to marry you. I'm just asking for a bit of time. If you can give me that, if you can wait a little while and you still want to marry me when we've got all this squared away with the school, then I will be the first to shout from the rooftops about how happy I'd be to be called your wife."

Appeased, at least a little, Sam nodded reluctantly, acknowledging the sense in what the older woman was saying but still stung by the rejection. "I'd better finish this marking," she sighed, sliding back onto the stool and picking up her pen.

Liv sidled up behind her, seeing the disappointment oozing from every pore even as the young blonde tried to put a brave face on. Wrapping her arms around Sam's waist, the detective leaned in close, pressing her length against the expanse of back presented to her. She dropped a tender kiss against the back of the slender neck, bowed over the children's papers. "I love you, honey. Don't ever doubt that I do and whether we decide to get married or not, I want to be with you, now and in the future." With a final kiss to her lover's cheek and a tight squeeze from the arms cradling the younger woman's waist, Liv whispered into her ear, "I'll leave you to get on in peace but come find me when you're done, ok? I'll just be watching TV in the lounge or checking emails on the laptop."

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**19.09**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"Right, I'm making dinner this evening. Liv, if Greg will let you go for a little while, could you give me a hand please? Alex tells me that Sam gave you a few lessons in finding your way around a kitchen," Bev announced with a cock of her head in the direction of the attorney's least utilised room in the apartment.

"Sure. I'm no cordon bleu chef but I think I can play sous-chef without us needing to call on the fire services!" Olivia quipped, with a wink in Alex's direction.

"Hey, that was one time!" the attorney protested haughtily, shaking her head in mock exasperation at her friend's ongoing teasing regarding her one and only near-catastrophic mishap whilst attempting to cook. "And it was a long time ago. I've learned to fend for myself since then, I'll have you know."

"I'm sure you have Allie, sweetie, but tonight, I need you to keep young master mischief entertained while I introduce your friend here to how us Arizona girls cook up a storm!" Bev instructed, taking hold of Olivia's hand and leading her in the direction of the small but well appointed kitchen, throwing a look over her shoulder at the blonde which left her in no doubt she was not to attempt to follow them.

"Remind me to introduce you to Abbie, a mutual friend of ours sometime. She's a good ol' Texan girl and would be delighted to challenge you to a cook-off, I'm sure. Her steaks have to be tasted to be believed," Liv stated cheerily, catching Alex's eye one last time as she rounded the corner and offering her a shy smile.

"Sounds like something to look forward to," Bev replied as she set about retrieving the groceries she and Alex had picked up during their excursion earlier in the day. "Here, could you chop these up for me?" the burly woman asked as she slid a bunch of carrots and a paper bag of field mushrooms towards the attractive brunette.

The two women worked in companionable quiet for a while, the only sounds were of knives meeting boards and softly issued directions. Bev watched her assistant from the corner of her eye, taking in the ease with which she moved around the space and the obvious comfort she had with being in Alex's home.

"I'm really glad Alex got back in touch with me and I believe I have you to thank for that, so thank you," she murmured quietly.

Liv nodded in acknowledgement even as she felt it was unnecessary. "Everyone needs friends and Alex especially has too few people looking out for _her_ interests and hers alone. Her family, her career, they place such expectations on her, such pressures that she's had to shoulder all her life. And then Witsec happened and she was forced into a life of loneliness and solitude. When she told me about you… you can't imagine what a relief it was to know that she had had _someone_ there, even if it was only for a short while really. To know she hadn't spent all those years entirely on her own, well I was glad, very glad. But she almost lives like she's still in the programme in some ways. She keeps most people at arm's length even still, she doesn't date unless it's to appease her remaining family. I worry about her, about how happy she is and what kind of future she'll have if she doesn't open herself up to everything life has to offer her." Liv realised that she had said more than she intended to and judging by the expression on Beverley's face, more than she had been anticipating.

"But she does have a very good friend in you," Bev assured gently, resting a hand briefly against the small of the older woman's back as she passed her to retrieve seasoning from the cupboard. "And when the time is right for her, I'm sure she will take time to date someone who really means something to her." The buxom mother fixed Olivia with an appraising stare. "You care for her a great deal, don't you?"

Liv contemplated the other woman, calculating her response as well as Bev's possible motives for asking. "Possibly more than I should as her friend," she admitted softly.

"I'm going to say this to you because from what I have seen of you over the last day or so, you seem to be a woman to respect and I don't doubt that you will appreciate my concerns are genuinely in Alex's best interests: Alex is a wonderful woman but she is also very vulnerable. She adores you, as much more than just a friend. I don't know if you realise it but it's true. Alex is in love with you. Completely and utterly in love with you. When I met her back home, and I finally managed to get her to talk to me about herself a little, she spoke of this one person she had had to leave behind, her one great love who got away. At first, I thought she was just being hopelessly romantic but it took me five minutes of watching her with you yesterday to know that you were that person. I understand that you're grieving the tragic and premature loss of your lover so I don't expect you to return her feelings or do anything about beginning a relationship with Allie – in fact, if you tried right now, I might be forced to kick your ass because she deserves to be so much more than someone's rebound – but I do need you to be aware that sometimes… sometimes how you are around her, it comes across as a lot more than just friends. I don't think you even realise you're doing it, either of you, but it's there and I worry about my friend; about her mistaking it for something more than it is. Promise me, Olivia… promise me that you won't lead her on and hurt her? I like you and I think we could become good friends but I do want you to know that if you hurt Allie, I will be out for your blood." Bev and Liv stood facing one another in the narrow space, the air around them filled with a serious sort of tension.

"Bev…" Liv sighed, taking a moment to gather her thoughts before trying to reassure Alex's friend that her intentions were noble. The butterflies she felt reminded her of how she had been before giving Sam the ring on Christmas morning. "I don't ever want to hurt her, intentionally or unintentionally. We talked this morning…I know how she feels about me, or at least I know how she has let me know she feels about me and I admitted to her that I had feelings for her too, before she went into the programme. Those feelings never completely went away – I don't think feelings that strong ever really do – but I grieved her loss every bit as much as I'm mourning Sam's now. I had to learn to let go; of my love for her, of my hope for something developing between us, of my dreams of a future with her. I had no way of knowing if she would ever be able to return to New York and even if she did, I had no assurances that she would ever want anything more than friendship from me. When she did come back, she chose not to return my calls, she refused to have any kind of contact with me for three years so I gave up even those tiny shreds of hope that I'd clung to and decided that I needed to move on with my own life. I can't regret that because it led me to Samia and I was happy – happier than I have ever been in any relationship. For the first time in my life, I was with someone I was ready to commit to. But Sam is gone… and I'm still here. First and foremost, I need to work out how to live with that and I've been very clear, very honest about that with Alex. And I don't expect her to wait around with her life on hold in case I move beyond grieving for Sam and want to explore something with her. I don't expect her to be satisfied with that. You're right, she deserves so much more than that, than I can possibly ever offer her. However, if she is still single when I reach that point where I can commit my heart to her and her alone, I would consider it an honour and a privilege to be given the opportunity to date her but I won't stand in her way if someone else captures her eye, her mind… her heart in the meantime. More than anything, I just want her to be happy." Liv swallowed past the lump which had taken up residence in her throat, tears pricking at her eyes but she refused to let them leak out.

Bev assessed the older woman, allowing her words to sink in as her mind worked them over. Closing the distance between them, the diminutive brunette wrapped her fleshy arms around Olivia's slim waist, clucking with disapproval at how easy it was to reach around the small circumference. "Be gentle with her when she needs it but don't let her hide away, ok? I've seen her do too much of that too and it took me months to break through that wall she's so good at keeping up."

Liv returned the embrace, sinking into the curvaceous woman's hold and allowing the tension to ebb out of her body. "I'll be sure to take good care of her, just like she's taken good care of me. I'm glad she has a friend in you and I honestly do hope that you and she can spend more time together if and when you move here."

"Me too, honey, me too. I hope we can all spend more time together whether the move to New York comes off or not." With a final squeeze, Bev let go and stepped back, clasping Liv's biceps in her firm grasp. "Now, let's get these patties made before the horde in there comes hunting us down."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**20.34**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"No, you are _not_ doing the dishes, Bev. Liv, please tell her," Alex pleaded with the detective to back her.

"Of course you're not. You're going to join Alex in the lounge with another glass of wine. I'm going to throw this lot in the dishwasher with Greggo's help…" The young man groaned at the prospect but Liv continued heedless of the interruption, "and then I'm going to give him his bath, get him ready for bed and read him a story so you two can put your feet up, relax and have a proper chance to catch up. I'm kinda tired, so I'm going to have a bath myself and read for a bit I think." Liv strode from the dining room with an armful of dirty dishes, leaving no room for argument as was her intent. Greg reluctantly followed suit, carefully carrying his cup in which he'd had his soda with the sumptuous meal of beef patties on buns with mushrooms and fried onion, home fries and sautéed carrot batons on the side.

"I'm just going to go see if she's ok," Alex attempted to follow her friend, concerned about her sudden retreat. It hadn't escaped her attention that the older woman had been notably quiet throughout their meal and her concerns were piqued given what they had discussed earlier in the day.

"No, you're not. You're going to do as she asked, join me in the lounge and drink wine. Please Alex, it's not often we had chance to talk, just the two of us, even when you were back home. Greg never used to want to miss out on a moment with you. I'd like to have you to myself for a little while, knowing that my son is in good hands and my daughter is asleep for the time being. Liv is a big girl, she can handle her own company for a while." Bev was a little concerned with how Alex seemed to want to be beside the brunette constantly. Even when they had been out apartment hunting earlier that day, the majority of the attorney's comments had related back to the brunette somehow and unless directly ordered not to, the younger woman followed Olivia around the apartment in much the same way Greg had taken to doing. Whilst it was adorable in a six year old, it was less cute in a grown woman.

Alex's head swivelled in the direction the brunette had gone, clearly still torn between going after her and spending some quality time with the friend she was still reconnecting with.

"Come on, honey, this wine won't drink itself," Bev coaxed, gently steering Alex through into the lounge and into the welcoming cushions of the sofa.

"Thanks," the attorney murmured as she accepted the glass of rich red wine offered to her. "I'm sorry if it seems like I'm overly protective of her but… there have been… I worry about her," she admitted.

"She worries about you too," Bev stated as she too took a seat on the sofa.

"She told you that?" Alex queried, eyes wide over the rim of her crystal goblet.

"She did. She wants you to be happy. She wants you to get out there and live your life instead of hiding behind these walls you've built up again. Wasn't it you who told me that life was too short and you never knew when your chances might be gone, so I should grab mine and hang on to them as tight as I could?" Bev slid her glass onto the end table beside her, twisting her body to face the anxious young woman sitting next to her. She watched the blonde nod in recognition of her own words. "So what happened to you following your own advice? What was it that stopped you when you got back here from looking Olivia up and telling her how you felt, how much you missed her?"

"I told you…I was afraid and I got caught up in what my family wanted for me. They'd lost so much of me when I'd had to go into the programme and they'd thought I was dead, for so long and then I came back for the trial of the man who shot me but I had to leave again, I still wasn't safe… I thought I owed them. I owed them those years of my life that they'd missed out on and I hoped that if I let them have those years, if I let them take me under their wing and guide me, I might remember how to be myself again. But all I've learned is that I'm not sure I can ever be the woman they desperately want me to be. I can't marry a man for appearances sakes. I can't honestly even say I'm all that concerned about being DA any more. I'm not entirely sure what I want but I know that I want to choose my own friends, my own companions, my own lovers from now on. If one day New York is enlightened enough to consider a lesbian DA, then I'll consider going for it but I'm tired of hiding." Alex took a long swig of her wine, relishing the burn as it slipped down her throat. "Anyway, let's not spend all evening talking about things we can't change. Tell me about Tony, tell me about the wedding and how you finally plucked up courage to ask him out. Tell me all about the things I'd have known if I'd been able to stay in Arizona."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**23.02**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex tiptoed into her bedroom, mindful of Liv's presence and not wanting to disturb her. Her heart swelled in her chest as she spied the brunette fast asleep, the book she had been reading lying face down on her ample bosom. The wine in her system made her unusually courageous as she stepped deftly across the lushly carpeted floor towards her queen-sized bed. The detective never stirred, so deep into her sleep was she, completely oblivious to her surroundings and Alex's presence. With nimble fingers, Alex plucked the discarded book from her friend's body, closing it over after marking the page it had been open to. Idly, she skimmed over the synopsis on the back cover, a little surprised by the nature of Olivia's reading material in that it seemed less gritty than her usual choices. Casting the book aside, the attorney's focus shifted back to the soundly slumbering brunette, taking in her slack jaw, the tiny flickering of muscles around her eyes and the slow, steady cadence of her breathing. In the dim light cast by the lone bedside lamp Olivia had left on for her friend, the older woman looked to be at peace but more than that, Alex thought every ounce of her beauty shone through. A little guiltily, the blonde allowed her gaze to roam over the entirety of Liv's body visible above the blankets; strong, muscular arms covered with smooth barely blemished olive-toned skin; a flat stomach which gave way to voluptuous curves where it met her chest; two firm, rounded globes of pliant flesh which showed a hint of nipple through the thin cotton vest she wore, testament to the nip in the evening air. Alex felt like a teenager discovering her sexuality for the first time, unsure and hesitant of herself but at the same time unable to prevent her thoughts from straying into dangerous, murky waters. Forcing herself to look away, to stop ogling her friend, Alex rose on shaky legs and crossed silently into the en-suite bathroom which still bore the lingering scents of Olivia's preferred perfumes. She closed the door to prevent any noise or steam escaping which might disturb the older woman's rest and stripped quickly as she waited for the shower to warm up. As she lowered her panties to the ground, she was shocked to find them damp from unacknowledged arousal. Her body had reacted strongly to the sight of Olivia's laid out before her eyes even as her rational mind tamped down any such conscious thoughts. Alex stepped beneath the warm spray of her shower, letting the water cascade over her body even as she kept her head tilted away from the torrent, not wanting to have to disturb the entire household by drying her hair at that hour. Her hands caressed and massaged her own body, to being with innocently with their sole intent to cleanse but as her thoughts once again strayed to the brunette so close at hand, the touch became more provocative, more sensual in nature. Long, lean fingers toyed with each of her semi-erect nipples until both stood proud and taut on her modest breasts. Those same fingers then trailed down her own flat stomach, lightly, gently, teasingly dipping closer to her centre. She slipped her digits into scorching velvety heat, gasping at the copiousness of her desire. Her hips bucked into her own hand at the welcome attention, pressing against the sensitive nub and earning a low, throaty moan of approval. Her mind assisted her excitement, imaging the hand stimulating her sex to belong to a gorgeous brunette detective. Gripping the detachable showerhead in her other hand, Alex brought the device down level with her groin, angling it so that the pulsating jets further stimulated her clit. Her knees threatened to buckle at the sensation, especially as she allowed her fingers to slip further between her folds, penetrating her entrance just enough to tease her. Resolve breaking, Alex thrust into herself with two fingers, hips rolling to ride the digits, head thrown back with abandon as her thumb brushed over her receptive clit. She caught her bottom lip between her teeth in an attempt to stifle the sounds of her pleasure, biting down hard as her back bowed and her internal muscles spasmed erratically. Her orgasm came quickly and came hard. The attorney had to wrench her hand out from between her legs to press her palm flat against the shower cubicle's wall just to remain on her feet. The showerhead hung from her limp hand, its water cascading uselessly to the floor as Alex leant forward, forehead resting on her supporting arm, breath slowly returning to normal. The scent of her pleasure mingled with the lingering aroma from Olivia's earlier bath, mixing in Alex's mind and conjuring up fresh images of Liv lying naked in the bathtub, sending fresh bolts of desire through her body even as it still reeled from the aftershocks of her previous climax. With a little effort, the blonde flipped her wrist around until the shower's spray was once again targeting her centre. She kept her other arm where it was, forehead pressed tightly against her quivering forearm, whimpers and groans being swallowed up by the quiet roar of the jets. It took mere seconds for her to crash over the precipice once again, unable to prevent the keening cry which accompanied her second, stronger release. She froze in its aftermath, waiting with trepidation for any signs that her guilty pleasure had been inadvertently overheard but only a quiet grizzle from Alison disturbed the peace of the apartment. Alex tore her attention away from her now sated sex, swiftly washing and cleansing her body of the day's grime and the remnants of her desire, knowing she could not climb into bed beside Olivia – even if the detective did remain oblivious – smelling of sex, albeit of the solo variety. Turning off the spray, Alex stepped out of the cubicle and reached for her towel. Even through the closed door, she could hear Bev attempting to soothe Alison and get her back off to sleep. Alex had to hope that Olivia hadn't been disturbed by the sound or if she had that it had come sufficiently long enough after her own night-time utterances that her own cries had remained unheard.

After towelling off and throwing on a clean pair of pyjamas, Alex extinguished the light and stepped out into the dimly lit bedroom, heart pounding as she spied Olivia watching her from the bed with sleepy, hooded eyes.

"I didn't disturb you with the shower, did I?" she whispered, internally cringing and very grateful that her ruddy cheeks could be passed off as a result of the steamy room she had just exited.

"No, I think it was a combination of Alison waking and a dream I was having," Liv replied finishing with a yawn. "Did you and Bev have a good evening?"

"We did, thank you, but it was unnecessary for you to make yourself scarce." Alex crossed to the bed having finished brushing her hair and slipped beneath the covers beside her friend. "Was it just a dream or was it another nightmare?" she asked gently, lying on her back, head twisted to the side to enable her to look at Olivia.

"A dream…that was heading in the direction of a nightmare. Probably a good thing I woke up when I did. Are you sure you're ok? I thought I heard you crying in the shower." Liv rolled over onto her side, watching with interest as Alex's colour rose in her cheeks and the younger woman hiked the blankets up higher around her neck and shoulders.

"I'm fine, no crying here." The attorney flashed a tight smile at her tired friend, watching the assessing stare grow increasingly drowsy. With a resigned sigh, Alex cocked her head in silent invitation to the brunette. "Let me hold you for a while so you can go back to sleep. Sounds like Alison's settled again for now."

Olivia shuffled across the narrow expanse of bed separating them, curling into Alex's side and resting her head on the blonde's shoulder. She inhaled deeply, drinking in the scent of lavender and camomile and something else, something uniquely Alex. "You smell wonderful," she murmured, already losing the battle to remain awake.

Alex too allowed her eyes to drift closed, revelling in holding the woman she cared so deeply for in her arms, in her bed, despite the circumstances. As she drifted into a light slumber, her brain was given free rein to dream of a brighter, happier, more intimate future for them both, a dream only magnified as the brunette's hand strayed from its resting place around Alex's waist to settle atop a sensitive, responsive breast.


	42. Chapter 42

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Bit of a longer delay in between the last chapter and this - mainly because I've not been around home much to write/upload! Anyway, thank you as always for the reviews on the last chapter - some great and fun reactions and also some very moving, very heartfelt words. I really do appreciate you all so thank you for taking the time to read this story and for those of you who have, or do regularly, for taking the extra time to leave a review also.**_

_**So without further delay, onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday March 4<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**06.30**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex groaned in disgust as she violently turned off the alarm sounding uncomfortably close to her ear. Without opening her eyes, she snuggled back down into the arms wrapped around her, pulling the hand joined with her own closer beneath her chin as a warm body spooned her from behind. A deep throaty chuckle resulted in a resigned sigh from the attorney.

"Morning 'Lex," Olivia husked into her ear, pressing her lips briefly to the back of Alex's blonde head.

"Too early," the younger woman complained, steadfastly refusing to accept that it was time to get up. She didn't appreciate being roused from the very pleasant, very enjoyable dream which had been accompanying her slumbers. Her griping triggered another amused chortle from the woman at her rear.

"Who knew the fearless ADA Cabot was such a reluctant riser?" Liv mused, gently extracting her hand from where it was clamped between Alex's clammy palms and resting it on a blanket covered hip instead. "I'll go set the coffee going. That might make getting up slightly less painful for you." With a final brief squeeze, Liv retracted her hand entirely and slipped from beneath the covers, shivering at the contrast in temperature. She grabbed a hooded sweatshirt from the closet, pulling it over her head as she strode out of the bedroom, relishing its warmth. "Want me to fix you any breakfast?" she called over her shoulder from the doorway.

"Just coffee, please and make it strong," Alex requested grabbing Olivia's pillow and cuddling it to herself, revelling in the lingering scent it carried. Even as warning bells sounded in the back of her mind, the brunette found the sight adorable, almost painfully reminiscent of a number of mornings when Sam too had been reluctant to crawl out of bed.

"Don't fall back asleep, Ms Cabot or else I'll unleash Greg on you as a secondary alarm," Liv cautioned with a quiet laugh, a laugh which grew as Alex flipped her off with as much energy as she could muster.

Alex rolled on to her back, forcing her eyes to open and stay that way, willing her mind to accept that it was indeed morning and she needed to wake herself up completely. Memories of her dream assaulted her as she stared at the pale ceiling, awakening parts of her which she would rather had remained dormant, at least until Olivia was out of the apartment and beyond temptations reach. Hauling herself into a sitting position, Alex swung her legs over the edge of the bed and padded into the en-suite bathroom. She stepped under the shower's powerful jets adjusting the temperature until it was as low as she could bear it, allowing the cool water to extinguish her ardour. Once she was convinced she had full control over her bodily reactions again, she adjusted the temperature to a more comfortable level and set about her morning cleansing ritual. She didn't linger, rushing through the routine, savagely massaging shampoo and conditioner into her hair and scalp before rinsing. Stepping out from the steamy cubicle, Alex wrapped a plain white bath sheet around her dripping body and spun her damp hair up into a twist inside a smaller white cotton towel. Make up free and freshly showered, Alex stepped out into her bedroom, freezing in her tracks at the sight of Olivia standing before her brandishing a heavenly-scented mug of fresh coffee which the brunette had been about to deposit on the bedside cabinet.

"Sorry…" Liv murmured, averting her eyes sharply even as a faint blush rose rapidly over her cheeks.

"No, my fault, I just completely forgot to take my outfit in with me. Guess my mind hadn't caught up to the fact it was time to be up and dressed yet," Alex explained bashfully, anchoring the towel around her body with a tightly clasped hand to prevent herself from inadvertently exposing even more naked flesh to her best friend and heart's desire. The raging inferno in her loins reignited in an instant causing her to let her eyes slide shut, lips pressing tightly together as she suppressed the urge to moan in response to the mental images her mind was bombarding her with.

Unbeknownst to her, Liv was struggling valiantly against a similar reaction within herself. Guilt warred with desire as she caught sight of the tantalising display of creamy, damp flesh. Her palms itched to explore the territory on display even as her brain shouted and screamed obscenities at her for thinking about touching another woman intimately so soon after Sam's death. "Do you…uh would you mind if I jumped in the shower?" Liv stuttered, keeping her eyes turned away lest she lose the battle with her flimsy self control.

"No…no not at all. I'll umm… I'll get changed in here and then see if I can have a quick word with Bev before I head off to the office," Alex responded, crossing to her closet and selecting a suitable outfit for the day. While she had managed to wangle some time off work during her friend's visit, it had been limited and due to pre-standing court obligations, she was needed in the office that day.

"Who's your judge today?" Liv asked from somewhere off to Alex's left, apparently having moved around the bed on stealthy feet and made her way towards the vacant bathroom.

"Liz Donnelly," Alex supplied, still casting her gaze over her choice of blouses and shirts trying to decide which would give the best impression.

"Go with the charcoal jacket and skirt and your pale blue blouse. It's professional, it's demure and you always look like you feel amazing in it. Whenever I've seen you wear it in Donnelly's courtroom, the result's gone in your favour." Liv explained the reasoning behind her suggestion softly, unable to prevent herself from wandering closer. She slid strong arms around Alex's tiny waist, their flesh only separated by the folds of the plush towel. A sharp thrill chased up and down her spine at the thought of so little keeping her from caressing the flesh she had long dreamed of being allowed access to. She pulled in a deep breath, inhaling Alex's freshly showered scent underlined with something unique to the stunning blonde.

"Liv please…" Alex whimpered plaintively, struggling to withstand the torrent of urges to turn in the older woman's arms, to capture her succulent lips and bury her hands in the bed-mussed brown hair, consequences be damned.

"I never thought it would be this hard…" Liv confessed breathlessly, her heart beating a rapid tattoo against her ribs. "What do you do to me, 'Lex?" Through the flimsy barrier, the brunette could feel Alex's own heart pounding, racing every bit as frantically as her own.

"We can't…you…can't… It's too soon," the attorney ground out, hissing in a deep breath as the toned body at her back settled more tightly, more securely, more closely against her own, moulding their shapes together until there really was no telling where one ended and the other began. Her head spun as thoughts, desires, wishes, hopes, dreams and fears chased one another through her mind, never settling long enough for her to process them.

"I know…" Liv admitted reluctantly, loosening her grip. She stepped away, forcing her hands down by her sides, her eyes cast downwards towards the carpet as she fiddled nervously with the thick pile between her toes. "I know," she announced more resolutely. "I'm sorry, it's not fair of me to toy with you like that. I… you're just… God Alex, for so long I wanted nothing more than to see you like this, to be privileged enough to share this kind of intimacy with you but then you were taken away and I had to let my love for you go, for the sake of my sanity. Knowing that it's not only still there, that it survived, but that you return my feelings…" Liv closed her eyes, sucking in a long steadying breath as she attempted to regain some measure of equilibrium. "It's like I can't stop imagining it all over again, as though the seed has been planted and it's growing out of control with a life, a sentience, of its own." Raising her head, she levelled an unwavering gaze on her closest friend. "I think, for the sake of our friendship and hopefully our future, I should move out as soon as I can sort out a new lease on a place. I don't want this to happen once too often, for us to lose sight of what's at stake and act out of the sexual repression we've stifled this with for so long and then regret it. I care too much about you for that and I need to be sure that if and when this does happen, if there comes a time when we both want to take this further, to develop a physical, a sexually intimate relationship, I want to be able to do so without any pangs of guilt about you not being Sam."

"I want that too, Liv. I want to know that you're with me and only me in that moment. I want to know without doubt that it's my body, _me_, you're making love to. If, to get to that point, you need to put some distance between us, you know you'll have my complete support and I think it's a much better option to find somewhere completely new that you can bring some memories with you to but not be overwhelmed by them," Alex assured, grateful that in spite of everything, in spite of them having come so close to taking a step neither of them were ready to take, they could still have a mature, open discussion about how to resolve it. It showed, in her mind, how far Liv's recovery was progressing in dealing with her grief for Sam. And how far she herself had come in trusting Olivia not to run from her or to hurt her.

"Will you help me look for a new apartment? Somewhere with a couple of bedrooms so, you know, you can stay over any time…until…well until…we maybe don't need separate rooms anymore." Liv looked down at her feet once again, bashful in the face of her admission.

"Yeah, that sounds like a fantastic idea to me. I like the sound of having somewhere to stay over when we have movie nights at yours and you know you're always welcome to sleep here any time too." Alex smiled genuinely at her friend, her fantasies receding with the increased space between them. Even the fact that she was still practically naked except for two towels – one atop her head, the other cinched around her drying torso – had faded from her consciousness.

"Great, well… I'll just…" Liv hitched a thumb over her shoulder in the direction of the en-suite. "Oh but, I was wondering, since it's Bev's last night in New York, if perhaps you wanted me to see if we could get a table at Fausto's? Send them back to Arizona with a belly full of hearty Italian food? I know Gina would love to meet them and she's been asking when you're coming over again – something about needing to put some proper meat on your bones!" Liv ducked out of the way of a flying pair of socks hurled in her direction. "Hey! They were her words, not mine!" Liv protested snatching the footwear up from the floor and tossing them back to the attorney.

"I'll have words with her this evening then! I'm plenty fat enough," Alex complained, implicitly agreeing to Olivia's plan.

"Seriously? You? Fat? Have you looked in a mirror recently? There's not an ounce of fat on you. You have a gorgeous figure so don't you dare think otherwise." Liv's statement was vehement, her tone brooking no argument. "Now get yourself dressed to kill and go show Donnelly who's boss in her courtroom." Liv winked as she sashayed into the bathroom, her gaze lingering on the astonished blonde until the door finally obscured her view.

Alex decided to return the favour for her friend, as she picked out the outfit Olivia had suggested she wear. Turning her attention to the selection of clothes they had moved into Alex's closet for the duration of Bev's stay, the attorney pulled out a close fitting pair of bootcut navy slacks, a two-layer effect long-sleeved tee also in navy with white faux undershirt for contrast. Teamed up with the tan suede jacket, which had been a part of the older woman's wardrobe for as long as Alex could remember, the blonde knew her friend would turn heads whilst looking suitably badass to put the fear of God into any criminals she encountered at the precinct.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Wednesday March 4<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**18.04**_

_**Fausto's restaurant, East 4**__**th**__** Street**_

"Benvenuti! Welcome!" Gina greeted their guests enthusiastically, ushering them through into a quieter alcove of the restaurant. "Take a seat," she directed giving Alex a brief hug before stepping in front of the woman she considered to be her daughter-in-law. "You look well, dear girl," the Camanetti matriarch announced, looking Olivia up and down before sweeping her into a warm, tight embrace. "It's good to see you again."

"It's good to see you too, Gina," Liv murmured sincerely truly having missed the woman in the week since she had seen her, despite talking to her on the phone numerous times. "Let me introduce you to everyone," she suggested, half turning towards the rest of their party but maintaining a one armed hold on her late lover's mother. Gesturing to the relevant people, the brunette announced, "Gina, this is Bev, Alex's friend from Arizona, her son and Alex's Godson, Greg and Bev's newest addition to the family, her daughter Alison. Bev, Greg, this is Gina, boss of this restaurant and the closest thing I have to family. Gina's Sam's mom," Olivia explained softly.

"Don't let Fausto hear you say I'm the boss!" Gina quipped with a furtive glance over her shoulder. "It's very nice to meet you all," Gina stated as she smiled benevolently, watching the young boy's head swivelling around as he squirmed in his seat, attempting to take in his new surroundings with an expression of open mouthed awe.

"Nice to meet you too," Bev replied kindly, placing a hand on her son's shoulder as he attempted to kneel on the seat beneath him. "This is a lovely restaurant you have."

"Thank you. We're happy with it," Gina agreed cheerily, watching as Liv pulled Alex's chair out for her as she had done so frequently for Samia. Alex's cheeks flushed a little at the chivalrous gesture, her hand brushing over Olivia's where it rested momentarily on her shoulder, a silent sign of their easy affection for one another.

"Is Fausto around?" the detective asked, wanting to say hello to a father figure she respected and adored.

"He is, sweetheart, in the kitchens. Why don't you go on back and see him while I sort your friends out with drinks and appetizers?" Liv exchanged a glance with Alex, silently seeking the blonde's approval before spinning on her heel and striding through the restaurant with confidence borne of familiarity. After she had departed, Gina asked, "what can I get you ladies?"

"Could I have a glass of iced water," Bev asked as she settled into her seat beside her son, having deposited her daughter in the provided high chair.

"I'd love a red wine please," Alex requested, turning her attention fully to her friend and the restaurateur.

"Certainly. And how about you, young man? What would you like to drink?" Gina asked, her attention solely on the suddenly uncharacteristically shy child. He slunk down a little in his chair, leaning closer to his mother.

"Do you have orange juice?" Bev enquired on his behalf.

"We do indeed. You make yourselves comfortable, have a look at the menu and I'll be back in a few with your drinks and the specials board," Gina replied, already bustling off to prepare their order.

"This place is so cosy and welcoming," Bev reiterated to Alex as the older woman left, reaching for one of the complimentary breadsticks and handing it to Alison who promptly stuck one end of it in her mouth and sucked on it happily.

"I know. Liv loves it here and I have to say I can see why," Alex replied, casting a glance over the extensive menu.

"You've not been here before either?" Bev queried helping Greg retrieve his own breadstick to nibble on and holding the menu between them so he could have a look at it, even though he would struggle to read many of the words.

"Once, a couple of weeks ago, the first time Liv came back here after losing Sam. But we were in the back, in the family part then." The group turned their attentions to the menus, browsing the choices on offer and trying to decide which of the delectable dishes to dine on. Gina reappeared after a short, comfortable silence, tray of drinks balanced on her palm and a blackboard specials menu tucked under her arm.

"Here we are," she breezed, sliding the tray onto the table and expertly distributing the beverages to their respective recipients. She placed the specials blackboard in the centre of the table, advising them that some fresh, oven-warmed bread would be sent out shortly with dishes of balsamic vinegar and olive oil. "Is that girl not back from yapping with that foolish old husband of mine yet?" she clucked in mock exasperation. "Let me go and chase her along. She can see Fausto any time, tonight she should be with her friends."

"It's fine, Gina, really. The night's yet young and it's nice for Liv to see you both," Alex replied politely, reluctant to admit that she missed having the brunette by her side.

"Oh… looks like you don't need find her after all, Gina," Bev commented, indicating to where the detective was approaching them, drink in hand. Just as it looked like she would make it back to the table unimpeded, an older gentleman caught her attention.

"Jack, how are you?" she called, veering off to speak to the white-haired man.

"Much better thank you," he responded with heartfelt gratitude lacing his voice.

"Did you ring that number I gave you?" Olivia questioned gently, taking a sip of her drink to disguise the appraising once over she was giving him.

"I did," he assured her, "and they have been absolute angels. I never knew there were so many good people out there, so much help and support and advice. I can't thank you enough."

Satisfied that he was being truthful, Liv gently squeezed his forearm with a brief firm hand before bidding him an enjoyable evening and resuming her course to her dinner companions.

"Sorry about that," she murmured as she finally took her seat at the table, placing her drink in front of her.

"A friend of yours?" Alex asked quietly, not recognising him and instantly on her guard given recent events.

"A friend of Fausto's. I met him last week when I was in here, Fausto asked me to talk to him. A month or so ago, he was jacked for his wallet and a watch given to him by his late wife, worked him over pretty brutally. Apparently, he's been having problems coping with it, only ever comes here and even then has to have a taxi pick him up right out front and drop him off at his door. I spoke with him for a while, gave him the number for Victims' Services and just let him know that there was help out there for him," Liv supplied, casting another concerned glance towards where Jack was seated.

"Did they get the person/people responsible?" Bev asked, grateful that violent crime was rare in their town.

"Unfortunately not, no. Jack couldn't give a very clear description of his attacker, it was dark, he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, nothing unusual about his voice beyond it obviously being a male," Liv explained with a heavy sigh, hating when the system wasn't able to give victims the justice they deserved. "I think that's partly why he's so scared of going out alone, that fear of whoever is responsible still being out there somewhere free to do it again." Liv barely suppressed a shudder as she too considered her own situation and how true that statement was for herself also. Still Alex picked up on it, sliding her hand onto her friend's knee beneath the cover of the table and squeezing lightly in silent support and understanding.

"You're a good woman, Olivia," Gina declared warmly. "Jack was telling Fausto on Monday how grateful he was to you for taking the time to listen to him and not just dismissing him as a silly old man."

"I was just doing what I'm trained to do," Liv claimed, brushing aside the compliment. "Shall we order? I'm sure I'm not the only one who's hungry, right Greg?" she deflected, grinning at the boy who was sitting so patiently beside his mother.

"Right!" he cried matching her smile with a beaming one of his own. The other occupants of the table laughed at the enthusiastic response while Alison waved the remains of her breadstick around in her pudgy fist, gurgling in a language only she understood.

"Ok, well we can't have that!" Gina exclaimed, equally as giddily. "What can I get y'all? Are you wanting starters or are you skipping straight to main courses?" After a little conferring, they all decided that they would rather dive straight into their main meals, wanting to make sure they had plenty of room to sample the scrumptious desserts they had seen on the menu.

Alex began the order, having decided on her choice as soon as she opened the menu. "I'll have the Pollo Limone, thanks Gina," she requested, her mouth already watering at the sumptuous sounding sautéed chicken breast dish with lemon, white wine and butter glaze.

"I think I'll try the Cosciotto di Pollo," Bev stated, referring to the Ossobuco style chicken braised in mixed vegetable and tomato ragu. "And for Greg, could we have one of the children's menu Spaghetti with meat balls in the tomato ragu?" Gina acknowledged the order with a brief nod.

"Good choice," she informed them, smiling at each new visitor. "Would you like anything warming up for Alison? Or I have some homemade tomato and eggplant soup that I keep for when the young cousins visit that I could bring for her?" the older woman offered, giving Olivia a little more time to select her own meal from the menu, even though the brunette knew it almost as well as Gina and Fausto by now.

Rooting in her bag, Bev produced a container of pureed food for her daughter to eat. "Is it ok if I just give her this?" she asked, unsure if it would be considered bad form to serve the girl food not provided by the restaurant.

"Of course, let me get you a bowl to put it into," Gina offered.

"Oh, no need, really. I brought her favourite dish and spoon from home so we're good but thank you," Bev assured. Alison caught sight of her dinner and shrieked excitedly, abandoning the breadstick on the highchair's tray and reaching for the pot of blended food. Alex gently stroked a hand down the back of Alison's head, soothing her and distracting her while Bev swiftly decanted the contents into a bowl to satisfy her daughter.

"Olivia, sweetheart, have you decided what you're eating this evening?" Gina asked, content that the baby was suitably catered for.

"Hmmm a tough decision as always Gina but I'm going to have to try this Paradiso pizza," Liv replied. "I've toyed with the idea of having it a few times so tonight, I'm just going to go with my gut and try it." Alex looked at her friend, intrigued that she would be interested in a pizza topped with apple, gorgonzola and provolone but wondered if she might be able to persuade the older woman to let her sample a bite for herself.

"Excellent. I'll get this through to the kitchen, chase up that bread for you all and see you in a little while. Enjoy your evening and if there's anything you need, give one of the staff a shout, they'll be happy to help. Or send Olivia through to the kitchen and we'll put her to work on your request!" Gina quipped with a cheeky wink at her daughter-in-law.

"Gee thanks Gina, give them ideas why don't you?" Liv rejoined with mock indignation. Alex and Liv's attention soon turned to Alison who was greedily sucking down her dinner. The attorney deftly plucked her compact digital camera from her purse, snapping off numerous photos of the guzzling girl, smiling adoringly as she scrolled through the results on the view screen.

"Greg, you want to scoot round here and sit with Liv for a moment so I can get some pictures of you two as well? I want lots of reminders of you until I can get to see the real thing again," Alex requested, watching as the young boy scampered out from his seat and promptly settled himself on Olivia's lap, posing sweetly with his new hero. The brunette pulled goofy faces at him, making him grin widely and giggle quietly. Alex took picture after picture of their antics, loving how relaxed and natural they looked together. As Bev finished feeding her daughter, Greg took that as his cue to move back around the table. Before he shuffled down off Liv's lap, her wrapped his short arms around her neck and smushed his face against her cheek giving her a loud, sloppy wet kiss. Laughing delightedly at his actions, he scooted back into his seat, looking distinctly less shy than he had done since arriving at the restaurant.

"My turn to take some photos now," Liv announced, beckoning for Alex to hand over the device, growling a little when the blonde attorney showed reluctance. "Give. Here. Now."

"Let her, Allie, please?" Bev pleaded. "I'd really like a nice photo of the four of us together to show Tony."

"Fine," the slender blonde groaned in unenthusiastic agreement, standing from her own seat and moving around the table. In a swift and dextrous move which caught all the table's occupants by surprise, Alex picked Greg out of his seat, slid into the space she had created and deposited him onto her lap, mock wrestling with him as they sorted out their limbs to sit comfortably. Unbeknownst to the pair, Liv managed to capture a few non-blurry photos of the fun.

"Whenever you're ready Al. Preferably sometime before dessert arrives," Liv jibed with a roll of her eyes and a shake of her head.

Bev snickered beside the blonde at the gentle teasing she was being subjected to and the good nature in which her friend was taking it. She watched as the young attorney leant down to whisper in Greg's ear, worrying a little when he let out a deep belly laugh. "I said a nice picture, not one with you two monkey's pulling faces!" she warned, one eyebrow raised.

From the corner of her eye, Liv saw one of the wait-staff approaching with the complimentary bread platter Gina had promised. "Let's hurry this along guys, food will be here soon and as attractive as I'm sure it will be, I don't think Bev wants Greg to have a face covered in tomato sauce in this picture."

"Alright, alright," Alex groused, throwing a wink in Liv's direction to show she wasn't really upset.

"Ok, everyone huddle in a bit closer together so I can get all of you in," Liv requested waiting for them to lean into one another, pulling Alison's chair round a little more so she was angled towards the camera. Liv clicked off the first shot, laughing heartily as Greg and Alex did precisely as Bev had anticipated, pulling faces into the camera.

"Honestly, you're worse than he is!" Bev scolded, lightly clipping her friend up the back of the head for encouraging her son. Alex threw her head back and released a light peel of laughter, eyes lightly closed, face glowing with mirth. Liv took the opportunity to take some unguarded snapshots of her friend, enjoying watching her so relaxed and open.

"Ladies and young sir, can I just leave this with you?" the waitress requested rhetorically, already placing the basket of oven warmed rustic bread in the centre of the table along with two shallow bowls containing balsamic vinegar and olive oil. The adults murmured their thanks before settling themselves once again in the required pose for the group portrait. After Olivia was satisfied that at least one of the shots had everyone, including Alison, looking in roughly to right direction, Alex patted Greg's hip gently indicating that she wanted to get up. Like he had with Olivia, before he would release her, the young boy reached up and pressed a sloppy kiss to her cheek, which she returned with gusto, adding a quick raspberry and earning another squeal of laughter from her Godson.

Alex slid back into her seat beside Olivia taking back the camera from the brunette and setting it to one side as their attention turned to the bread in the centre of the table. Bev tore off a chunk, passing it to Greg who wanted it plain. Liv and Alex each took a hunk of their own, taking it in turns to dip pieces into the dishes provided. Conversation was sparse until there was only crumbs remaining although Alison did provide an adorable yet unintelligible commentary on the happenings.

As she used her napkin to wipe her hands of excess oil, Alex asked, "so did you have fun shopping today?"

"We did, didn't we Greg? We picked up a gift for Tony," Bev began explaining until an excited voice chimed in.

"We got him a really cool watch, not as great as my Ben Ten one but that's ok, 'cause Tony doesn't like Ben Ten. And Alison has some new shoes, Mom got a real pretty shirt and I got some awesome new jeans," Greg supplied bouncing up and down in his chair.

"You did huh? Wow, that all sounds pretty cool to me," Alex agreed enthusiastically.

"We buyed other stuff too but Mom says I'm not to tell you about that," the boy announced gravely, earning an eye roll and a groan from his mother.

"Bev…" Alex began, ready to admonish her friend.

"Don't start Allie, you don't know what it is and you won't win so just don't start," Bev warned firmly. "Now, let's have a look if you managed to get any photos of me where I don't look like moose in drag." She reached across the table and snagged the camera before Alex had chance to react.

"No deleting any that are on there!" the attorney requested, not wanting to lose any pictures which would make nice mementos simply because Bev was having issues with her self image.

"Fine but I'm vetting which ones you're allowed to email me. I don't want Tony running out on me when he sees any of these." Bev scrolled through the pictures both women had taken, loving some of the posed shots each had snapped. She came across a shot of Alex, laughing freely with Greg, their faces framed in a close-up, looking carefree. It was a beautiful, natural shot of them both and showed the connection they shared despite the years apart. Unbeknownst to her, Gina had come to check on the party. Standing behind the visitor, she had a clear view of the photograph on the camera's view screen. Olivia watched as her lips parted in a silent gasp and the colour drained from her face. The matriarch excused herself and fled from the restaurant into the living accommodation attached to it.

"Can I see which photo you had open then?" Liv requested, wondering what had upset her mother-in-law. Bev handed the camera across the table with the photo of Alex and Greg still on the view screen. As Liv took it, she felt the jolt that Gina must have experienced. Alex could have been Sam in the photo, their likeness stark and unnerving. It was a pose not dissimilar to that of Samia's which had caught Liv's attention the first time she had visited the teacher's apartment in the photographic print taken by her ex. "I…uh…give me a few minutes, please, I just need to check Gina's ok." Both Bev and Alex sensed that it was something serious and indicated for the brunette to go, Alex calling for Liv to take her time.

Liv pushed through the door separating the two halves of the building, crossing into the family residence, grateful for once that the Camanetti's continued to ignore her advice regarding keeping their home locked off during open hours. She strode through to the lounge, spying Gina standing in front of a collection of photos of her daughter.

"She looks just like my Sami," Gina murmured, making clear she was aware Liv had joined her despite her eyes never leaving the pictures.

"I know," Liv agreed equally as quietly, stepping closer in case the older woman decided that physical comfort was needed.

"Is that why you chose her? Was she just a stand in until Alex came home?" Gina asked, fixing the brunette with a fierce, accusatory gaze.

"No!" Liv cried instinctively before taking a moment to consider what it was the whole truth, knowing the woman deserved that much from her. "Perhaps to begin with, her similarities to Alex caught my attention and drew me to her. It's true that physically they share a lot of the same characteristics but it wasn't a conscious choice. I never saw her as a replacement or a substitute for Alex. As I got to know Samia, as she let me see every side of her; her innocence; her optimism; her loyalty; her sense of humour; her good heart; each and every facet of her, that's when I fell completely and utterly in love with your daughter. Her personality, everything that made her who she was, that is what made me love her so very, very much, not the fact that she looked like the best friend I'd known and lost."

"How long were you and Alex involved before she was shot?" Gina asked, confusion and uncertainty in her voice.

"We weren't, not that way. We were friends for a couple of years before she had to go into Witsec but we've never been any more than that." Liv took a deep, shaky breath. "I care about her a great deal but we're just friends, we've only ever been friends."

"Yet…" Gina added. "You've only ever been friends up to now. I see you with her and you treat her like you treated Samia; holding chairs out for her; keeping your hand at the small of her back; deferring to her when you're making a decision. I don't think you even realise you're doing it but you do. Answer me honestly, Olivia: do you have feelings for Alex like you had for my daughter?"

"No…I…maybe…I…it's not the same," Liv stammered, struggling to put into words the jumble of thoughts tumbling against one another in her mind, crashing together and ricocheting off in random directions. "I still love Sam. I'm still _in love_ with Sami and a part of me believes I always will be, that no one will ever occupy that place in my heart again. But I care for Alex too, I have done for a long time – you're right in that whatever I feel for her predates her going away but we never acted on it and I'm not sure we ever will. Just because the feelings are there doesn't mean anything will ever come of them. Even if we do, it will never replace what I had with your daughter and I will never feel like Sam was simply a stand-in until I could have Alex. They may look alike on the surface but they are entirely different women. It was your daughter's heart and soul that captivated me and made me fall in love with her, not the packaging – though I will admit, that was a very attractive added bonus because her inner beauty shone through and accentuated her outer beauty so well." Seeing there was still some scepticism in Gina's eyes, Liv admitted something she had told no one before. "The night before she was killed, Sam and I agreed to get married – she never told me she'd already arranged a ring and was planning on proposing again on Valentine's Day. She'd asked me a few days before but it came out of the blue while we were talking about Jackson and what an ass he was being so I couldn't agree to it then but as we were lying in bed the night before she died, I realised that it didn't really matter what had prompted her to ask me. What mattered was the fact that someone so amazing, so wonderful wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. We were about to look into where we could go to legally marry one another. Alex was already back in my life then, had been for quite some time, but I was ready to commit to marrying your daughter. I've never even let any other lover move in with me before, I'd always make some excuse to back off and end the relationship. Sam was the first person I could see myself growing old with," Liv admitted, releasing a watery sigh as she gazed at photos of the woman herself. "I feel like part of me is missing now she's not here."

"Me too, sweetheart. Me too," Gina admitted softly, gathering the younger brunette into her arms and holding her tenderly. "I'm sorry for doubting you, for doubting what you felt for Samia. I know you have to go on living and I don't, I wouldn't expect you to spend the rest of your days alone, pining for someone no longer with us. It was just a shock to see that photograph, to see the resemblance between them both and I just…"

Liv hugged Gina back tightly, wrapping her arms as far around her robust frame as they'd go and burying her head into the broad shoulder. "There's no need to apologise, Gina. I understand completely." And truthfully, she did. The very same guilty fears had been nagging at her ever since she had acknowledged her attraction to the attorney but talking to Sam's mom, speaking out loud the truthful depth of her feelings for the young teacher reaffirmed in her mind that the two sets of feelings _were_ different, that she wasn't now nor had she ever been superimposing one attraction on top of the other – no matter how startling the physical similarities were.

"You'd better get back to your friends, they'll be thinking I really have put you to work in here!" Gina joked half-heartedly, knowing she should let Olivia go but overcome with an irrational fear that she was losing her too. "Just promise me you'll keep in touch, no matter what happens or who becomes important to you in the future. Please Olivia, promise me that?"

"Of course, I promise. I love you and Fausto, I love being a part of your family and I don't ever want that to change. Anyone who can't accept you in my life isn't a person I want to share my life with," Liv assured vehemently, pulling away to look into the older woman's eyes, allowing her sincerity to shine through. Clasping clammy hands between her own to prevent them from further wringing, Liv promised, "until such a time as you no longer want me around, I'm here to stay."


	43. Chapter 43

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**I know, I know, too long between chapters again! I took a week off work so have been out and about climbing mountains and taking photos! Lol. But in my defence, this is a longer chapter! Some of you reviewed asking what's happening with the case - you know me too well! The case is back in this chapter, little shuffles forward perhaps and a whole lot more besides...**_

_**Thanks as always to everyone who takes the time to read/review this story and a big thanks to those of you who have added it to your alerts and favourites. Your continued support means a lot :) (Re-uploaded this chapter with a minor amendment! Thanks JRBenson for pointing it out! Well spotted!)**_

_**Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday March 4<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**18.38**_

_**Fausto's restaurant, East 4**__**th**__** Street**_

Liv slipped back into her seat at the table, flashing a reassuring smile at those already in residence. The food had arrived moments before her return so conversation was limited while each member of the party tucked in to their dinner. Alison had been taken down from the high chair and was seated on Alex's lap, happily tugging on the attorney's blonde hair with one cookie covered fist while the other hand attempted to steer the cookie remnants towards her own small mouth.

"Let me take my horrible child back from you for a while so you can eat the rest of your meal in peace," Bev offered as she watched Alex retrieve another fist full of freshly yanked hair from the tiny girl's hand.

"She's fine," Alex assured with a warm smile, taking hold of the fist snaking back up to her hair an pretending to nibble on the bunch up digits. Alison squealed joyfully, offering her hand up again after Alex let it go. The blonde was prevented from being punched in the mouth by her wriggling lap companion after deft intervention from Olivia, whose own hand shot across and gently caught the flailing wrist before it could make any connection.

"How about I hold her for a little while so you can eat before it goes cold?" Liv offered, her eyes pleading with Alex to understand she needed that innocent, carefree connection with someone right now.

Alex eyed Olivia's own plate and the barely touched pizza sceptically before releasing Alison into her arms. Without another word, the attorney set about cutting the brunette's dinner into bite-sized pieces, handing her the fork when she was satisfied with her efforts and steadfastly ignoring the astonished amusement of both her friends. "Now you can eat too before it goes cold," she stated, a little smugly, hoping Olivia would see that she was concerned for her wellbeing. There had been an air of melancholy about the attractive brunette since her return from the back of the restaurant.

She watched as Liv focused on Alison, helping her to stand, aided by firm hands at her waist, on Olivia's lap, enabling her to watch the hustle and bustle of the restaurant. All the while, the youngster provided her own commentary which only she understood but to which Liv responded as though she too knew precisely what Alison was saying. As Alison tired and drooped down onto the brunette's shoulder, snuggling in and dozing off, Liv turned her attention to the other youngster at the table who had been quietly attacking his own dinner with gusto.

"How's your spaghetti, Greg?" she asked, smiling adoringly as a sauce covered face turned her way.

"Yummy!" he exclaimed enthusiastically. "Mom makes s'getti sometimes but not good like this." He turned apologetically to his mother after admitting his preference, worried he might be in trouble.

"That's because Mom isn't a master chef like they have here and the spaghetti I make you comes mostly from a packet!" Bev admitted, taking her napkin and wiping the worst of the sauce from around Greg's mouth and cheeks. Seeing that it would take more than that to get him clean, she excused the pair of them from the table, dragging her son in the direction of the restroom to wash his face and hands. Once they were alone with a happily slumbering Alison, Alex's attention focused in on her subdued friend.

"Everything ok?" she asked softly, hand brushing over Liv's shoulders and settling between her shoulder blades, resting against the back of her chair.

"Yeah…just…yeah it's fine, nothing to worry about." Liv speared a mouthful of the pizza Alex had dissected for her, bringing it to her lips and chewing on the morsel slowly, thoughtfully.

"Nothing to worry about rather than nothing being wrong," Alex noted cautiously, placing her own knife and fork together on her plate, indicating that she had finished eating. "Is it something you might talk about later when we're alone?"

"It'd be easier to show you later, back at your apartment where I'm not likely to make a complete ass of myself," Liv advised with a brief tight flash of a smile.

Satisfied that the older woman wasn't shutting herself off but rather acting out of self-preservation until they were in a more appropriate setting, Alex nodded her assent to letting the matter drop. "Mind if I try a bite of your pizza? It sounds like an intriguing combination."

Liv had just picked up a fresh piece on her fork and without thinking, re-routed from her its original destination of her own mouth to Alex's lips instead. Her eyes locked on to Alex's mouth as the fork disappeared between those luscious, glossy lips, pupils dilating at the unintentional sensuality the blonde displayed when the fork was withdrawn and the tip of a pink tongue darted out to cleanse any residual topping. The tiny noise of enjoyment did nothing to dampen the sudden surge of hormones and endorphins chasing one another through the detective's system. The fork still hung limply in the air between them as wide brown eyes dragged themselves upwards to meet sparkling blue. Alex seemed oblivious to her friend's quandary until their eyes met; the swollen pupils threatening to swallow the brown almost completely; the faint flush of colour spreading across well sculpted cheeks; the way Liv's own lips parted slightly almost in invitation all brought the effect to Alex's attention. Knowing that there were very few less appropriate places to explore that which had been ignited, the attorney broke the gaze, dabbing at her mouth with her napkin before cleansing her palette with a sip or two of water.

"That's a really interesting combination of flavours. It works well, even though I personally would never have thought of putting apple on a pizza," she stated, trying to focus on something mundane to allow Olivia to reign in her reaction.

"And yet no one thinks anything of putting pineapple on one," Liv observed, clearing her throat to erase the sensual husk which had settled there. She was infinitely grateful to the younger woman for recognising the dangerous path she was treading and steering them back into safe waters. While she doubted that Gina would reappear until after they had left, she knew that kissing another woman in the middle of the restaurant – which is what she knew she would have ended up doing had Alex not torn her eyes away – would have been reported back to both Camanettis. Olivia had meant what she had said to Gina earlier that evening, that she wanted to continue to be a part of their lives and she doubted that either of them would entertain that notion if she were so blatant as to kiss a woman who was not their daughter right on their doorstep.

"Very true, detective," Alex concurred, stealing another bit of pizza with her fingers from Olivia's plate.

"Hey!" Liv objected with mock indignation. "You already ate your dinner and now you're stealing mine too?" A small form appeared between the two women, Greg grinning up at them both with a freshly washed face.

"You want to try Liv's pizza too, Greggo?" Alex asked, swiping yet another piece before Liv could intervene. Greg gobbled the bite up, amazing his mother at his willingness to try new foods for his two favourite adults.

"Please, feel free to eat my dinner!" Liv continued to grumble playfully.

"Ok," Greg cried joyfully, having found the pizza to his liking and taking Liv at her word. A small hand snuck another mouthful of food from her plate before his mother admonished him.

"Honestly, what am I going to do with the three of you? You're incorrigible when you get together," Bev stated despairingly. "Greg come back over here please and let Olivia finish her dinner in peace. Alex, behave yourself or I'll come round there and tan your hide too. Don't think that I won't!" Bev added as she watched one sculpted eyebrow raise as though daring her friend to try it. Liv attempted to stifle her laughter, grateful to Bev for her sense of humour, it being just what she needed at that moment. "And you, Ms Benson, stop picking at your dinner and get it eaten!" Bev ordered, fixing Olivia with her best stern motherly glare.

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday March 4<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**20.16**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex opened the door to her apartment, letting Bev and Olivia pass by her first. They were carrying two exhausted and steadfastly slumbering children between them, Alison in her mother's arms and Greg sleeping on Liv's shoulder. Bev led the way into the guest bedroom, gently laying her daughter in the travel cot and slipping off her shoes before assisting Liv with getting Greg undressed and into his pyjamas without waking him entirely. They both tucked him in before Liv took her leave and slipped out, pulling the door to behind her, Bev informing her that she was going to have a soak in the bath.

"Those kids adore you," Alex murmured as Liv joined her in the lounge.

"And you, sweetheart," Liv assured, coming to stand beside her friend in front of the panoramic window overlooking the city and resting a hand in the small of Alex's back. "Do you have your camera?"

"It's in my purse," the attorney replied, not making a move to retrieve it but rather trusting Olivia to fetch it herself.

When she returned with the device, Liv explained, "I promised to show you what happened with Gina earlier." Scrolling through the numerous snapshots from the evening, Liv stopped on the one which had triggered the mild confrontation with her mother-in-law. Handing it wordlessly to Alex, Liv then turned her attention to her cell phone, flipping through the images stored on it until she came to the copy of Sam on Venice beach. She held the phone directly above the camera, allowing Alex to compare the two pictures.

"Oh my…" Alex whispered as she took a closer look at the images before her. "That's…uncanny," she breathed, looking towards Olivia with the same suspicion in her eyes as Gina's had held. "Is that what I am to you? Am I an older, poor imitation of Samia?"

Liv sighed, taking her phone away and tucking it back into her pants pocket. Turning towards Alex and pulling the younger woman around to face her, she cupped Alex's chin with gentle fingers, thumb holding her in place. "Never believe that, Al. You're nobody's imitation anything, poor or otherwise. You are a very beautiful woman, one whom I've had feelings for since I don't remember when but I do know it's been years. I will say the same to you as I said to Gina earlier: the physical similarities in yours and Sami's appearance may have contributed to my being attracted to her initially but the feelings I developed for her were because of her spirit, her soul. And the same goes for my feelings for you too. I care about you because of who you are, not what you look like. What I feel is real. But I still feel as strongly about Sam as I ever have too. I won't deny that I'm confused right now, 'Lex but I know that what I feel for each of you is real and separate from the other. So please, _please_ don't ever worry that you're some sort of…substitute or anything for Sam. That photo, it just…it took Gina…and me by surprise. I'd noticed some resemblance in passing before but never to that extent. I don't think Gina had ever really taken any much notice of it before, her mind's been distracted since she's met you." Liv rubbed her thumb slowly, tenderly over the notch of Alex's chin, caressing the smooth skin, keeping her gaze locked with the attorney's own. "You know, I heard you yesterday…" Liv stated cautiously, watching with interest as Alex's head snapped up, eyes wide and a light flush of colour began a steady march over her alabaster skin.

"Wh…uh when? What did you hear?" Alex asked, mind immediately going back to the shower and Liv's comment about having heard what she thought was the blonde crying.

"In the kitchen, you were talking to Bev, before you knew I was awake. You told her that you had feelings for me that pre-dated Witsec…and that you deliberately chose not to act on those feelings when I told you I was with Sam. Do you have any idea how that makes me feel about you?" Liv's tone was guarded, her expression similarly ambiguous, giving Alex no clear indication of whether the feelings were good, bad or indifferent.

"Liv… I'm sorry…" Alex faltered, not sure what she was supposed to say even as a wave of relief washed through her at the realisation Liv was still unaware of her activities in the shower.

"No, you don't need to apologise for anything. What you did, what you put aside regardless of the personal cost to yourself…you amaze me. And I mean that in a good way. Honey, you have been so selfless, such a phenomenal friend…I'm…I'm actually a little overawed. In so many ways I wish we'd had chance to… I don't know, talk about how we both felt before you had to go away… but it almost was more painful than I could bear to lose you as a friend. I'm not sure I could have let you go if we'd been more than that." Liv stepped closer, snaking her arms around her friend's waist and pulling her closer. "I'm not too proud to admit that I was too immature, too insecure back then to really appreciate the kind of relationship we could have, the kind of relationship I want to have… with you. I think I needed to experience what Sam and I shared to make me get over myself, to get over my phobia of commitments. So that, when the time's right, if ever it is right, I can be everything you deserve in a partner and not someone who will get scared at the first sign of anything serious and run – which is what I've always done in the past, with anyone who tried to get closer than a casual fling."

"I wasn't in the right place then either, Liv…" Alex began, bringing her own hands to tentatively rest on the older woman's hips.

"I think you know full well that I'm attracted to you… and I'm finding that, almost daily... I'm finding more and more things to admire about you. When I heard you telling Bev yesterday that you'd always sacrifice your own happiness if it meant I was happy…I honestly have no words to describe how special and yet how sad that made me feel. I don't want you to sacrifice anything for the sake of me…or anyone else, 'Lex. No one should live their lives solely to please others just the same as no one should live only to please themselves." Liv brought her hand up to the attorney's face, gently tucking a stray strand of ash-blonde hair behind Alex's ear. "I don't know what to do with this, with what I feel. When I'm with you, when I look at you, when I hold you…it feels…it…feels…right but then my brain, my conscience kicks in and I feel guilty for having any kind of feelings for anyone else so soon after Sam's death. I feel like I'm betraying her memory, like I'm undermining everything we shared, like it meant nothing. How can I believe that I loved her like I thought I did if I'm ready to move on already?" Tears welled in Olivia's expressive chocolate coloured eyes as she opened herself up to her friend.

"But you're not, Liv. You're not ready to enter into another relationship, you're not ready to act on any feelings you might be developing and you're not undermining anything. You've said yourself that these feelings are not new. The fact that you're acknowledging them may be but having them isn't. Nothing has changed, not between us and not with regard to how real what you felt and still feel for Samia is. I can wait for you…for as long as it takes. There's no rush, no pressure…not from me so please don't put yourself under any undue stress over it. First and foremost, we're friends and that's what I want to be for you. Nothing more, nothing less." Alex placed her hand at the back of Liv's neck, guiding the brunette's head down onto her shoulder, wrapping her up in a soothing, comforting embrace, drawing a hand over her taut, muscular back. The older woman sank into her friend's hold, clinging to her as she let the tears flow. "It's ok, Liv. It's ok to still miss her, to still wish she was here, to let yourself feel her loss. No one expects you to be over it so soon. It takes time and part of her will always still be with you. There's all the time in the world to think about what happens next. What matters now is that you focus on yourself, focus on doing what's right, what's best for you. This, Liv, this is your time to be selfish and not one person has the right to criticise that, ok?"

The two women stood in silent contemplation, resting in one another's arms, Liv's head buried in the crook of Alex's neck. The detective breathed in the younger woman's scent, allowing it to calm her as the words the attorney had offered sunk in.

"Thank you," she murmured, settling even more comfortably against the lithe blonde, their curves fitting together naturally. "Fausto…mentioned earlier that they're finally ready to hear Sam's Will. He's asked me to be there."

"You should go," Alex concurred.

"Why? There's nothing of hers that I want more than I want her back. Hearing that, hearing all that she owned divided up…it makes it so…final. I'm not sure I can handle it…at least not alone. Would you…is there any chance you'd come with me?" Liv asked hopefully, raising her head only high enough to peer up at Alex.

"I don't really think that's appropriate, Liv, especially after Gina reacted so strongly to that photograph today. I think it's probably wise if I keep my distance from them for a while, until it's not so raw. You're stronger than you give yourself credit for and I know you already know that she's gone for good but perhaps it will help to give you that sense of closure you need to truly move forward with your life. It might help you to find solid ground again." Alex kept her gaze open, kind as she tilted her head to one side to maintain eye contact.

"I'm scared…" Liv admitted.

"What of, honey?" Alex asked, still holding her friend close.

"That once I've been there and heard the Will, I'll forget her. I'm already beginning to forget her voice," Liv replied, voice cracking.

"Oh Liv…" Alex breathed sympathetically, gathering the older woman close once again as she tried to find words to reassure her. "Right now, it might just be that it's too painful for your conscious mind to conjure up Sam's voice whenever you will it to and so, as a way to protect you from further grief, it's blocking that. Once her loss is less raw, less immediate, I'm sure her voice will come back to you. You won't forget her, Olivia. And if ever you feel like you are, talk to me about her, about things you used to do together or go and spend time with Gina and Fausto so you can keep those memories alive in your mind. As long as you do that, she won't ever be truly gone."

"Wouldn't that bother you? If we did get together at some point I mean. Wouldn't you feel strange knowing that she was still so much a part of my life, a part of me?" Liv questioned worriedly.

"Of course not. Unless it's your very first relationship, everyone carries something of past partners into their next liaison. It doesn't mean that you care for that current partner less, it just means that they have become a part of you, a part of what makes you the person your next partner falls in love with. For me, having seen you with Sami, having seen how carefree, how relaxed you were with her, I want to keep seeing that in you and if you need to keep those memories vibrant, alive, to do that, I will do everything in my power to help you." Alex felt Liv tremble in her arms with barely suppressed emotions. "I'm here for you, Liv. Any time, any way you need me to be."

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" Liv asked softly, burying her head further into the crook of Alex's neck.

"You took the time to be my friend. This is the very least I can do for you," the attorney responded, guiding Liv to the couch and sitting them both down without letting go of the older woman. Liv wriggled around, swinging her legs up to curl them beside her on the vacant couch, leaning more of her weight against the lithe blonde. They rested against one another firmly, Liv's eyes fluttering shut and a sigh escaping her lips.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday March 5<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**13.09**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"I can't believe it's time for you to go home already," Alex exclaimed as she watched Bev pack up the meagre belongings she had brought for their trip.

"I know but at least you'll have your space back and won't be terrorised by the munchkins anymore," the mother quipped, looking fondly over to where Alex stood cradling Alison in her arms. "I'll miss you, Allie."

"I'll miss you too, Bev, all of you. Let's make sure it's not long before you come and visit again, ok? Please?" Alex pleaded, fussing the little girl she was holding, making her stuffed toy dance around in front of her and drawing enthusiastic squeals of delight.

"We will, I promise. And if you ever take enough time off work, you're always more than welcome to come over to us in Arizona – if you don't think that'll be too painful for you. And Olivia is welcome to come with you too, anytime you want to visit, if you wanted to bring her along. I know Greg would be delighted to spend more time with you both," Bev stated, glancing towards the hallway to make sure her son wasn't eavesdropping. "And if all goes well with Tony's interview, you might be having to get used to the idea of seeing us a lot more often. I'm planning on telling him to really go for it, I'd love to live close enough for Greg and Alison to see you whenever you're free."

"Bev, if you lived here, I'd make time every week to see you all. I'd love it if you moved to New York," Alex assured her friend warmly, excited by the prospect of having them so close at hand. "And if it doesn't come off, I'll see about taking some time away from the office to come and visit you in Arizona. It would be strange but I'd have good incentive to get over myself." Their quiet conversation was interrupted by the shrill ringing of Alex's cell phone – her work cell phone. "ADA Cabot," she barked as she answered the device, switching seamlessly into business mode.

"_ADA Cabot, this is Detective Morientes, we were advised to contact you if we had any developments on the Camanetti case_," the smooth voice advised over the phone-line.

"Of course, Detective, what do you have?" Alex asked, passing Alison to her mother with a mouthed apology and striding purposefully through the apartment to the closet by the front door where her attaché case had been shut away. Rifling through it, the attorney grabbed a legal pad and her pen, preparing to scribble notes down during the conversation. She slipped into the kitchen, perching on one of the stools and resting the pad on the breakfast bar.

"_We've had a forensic accountant going through Kieran O'Keefe's bank records. Mostly it's small time stuff leading back to known dealers but seems to be mostly limited to small enough transactions that it suggests prolonged personal use rather than him dealing himself. But there are two payments which were made to him the week before and just after Samia Camanetti's murder_." Hearing the death of her best friend's lover referred to in such stark terms jarred in Alex's mind, an image of the blonde teacher leaping unbidden to the forefront of her brain, smiling, laughing and gazing at Olivia was undisguised adoration. A gnawing sense of guilt accompanied the vision but she forced herself to tamp it down in favour of maintaining her focus on the present conversation. "_The initial payment was for $20,000 and was transferred to his account four days prior to the bombing. Second amount, a further $30,000, was credited to his account two days after. The whole $50,000 was then wired to an offshore account in the Cayman Islands shortly before all traces of O'Keefe's whereabouts disappear. The accountant has managed to trace the payments back far enough to know that they originated from the same account. We know which bank the originating account is held with but without a warrant, they won't give us any information pertaining to the owner_." Morientes advised urgently, feeling like this was the key they were missing to unlock the motive behind the attack which had cost the life of an innocent young woman.

"These payments are the only indication that O'Keefe received payment for something? Is there nothing on his computer or from his phone records to even hint at an arrangement with someone? No known associates who could shed light on the purpose of the payments?" Alex pressed, reluctant to take the limited information in front of judge for fear of it being dismissed as a fishing expedition.

"_We're still waiting on the techs to trace one number that called him over 30 times in the few weeks prior to the bombing and his subsequent disappearance. O' Keefe has a history of links to the IRA terrorist group and latterly the group proclaiming themselves to be the 'Real' IRA. He was arrested in August 1997 in London, England for his part in a plot to destroy the ceasefire. After he got out of prison – he was granted the maximum sentence for disturbing the peace which was all the prosecution could find to charge him with – he arrived in the US, with false papers that covered up his less than desirable past. O' Keefe was arrested again in 2000 for supplying ammunition and explosives to a crackpot Doomsday faction who secreted themselves away in the foothills of the Catskills over in Ulster County, ironically. Again, they didn't have a whole lot of evidence to go off, had to plead him down to a lesser charge than he'd be prosecuted for nowadays, post 9-11. Since he got out, he's kept out of the courts but word around and about from various sources suggests he still has significant ties with paramilitary organisations and sympathisers. We're running his name against lists of other persons of interest in the case; known offenders with a grudge against Detective Benson, parents from the school where Samia Camanetti taught, anyone who might have come into contact with O'Keefe and either of the two women targeted_."

"Run the other teachers at the school too, just to be sure we've covered all our bases," Alex requested. "And I'm afraid, until those phone records come back with something more concrete, there's no way any judge will issue a warrant to the bank to release the name on the account those payments originated from."

"_Can't you…call in a favour or something?_" Detective Morientes asked hopefully, knowing that the name Cabot came with a certain level of persuasion amongst many circles.

"Even if I could, what would be the point in securing a warrant which would only then be turned over on appeal? Better that we wait and that any and all evidence subsequently gathered be admissible and irrefutable in court should it prove pertinent to the case." Alex doodled frustratedly on the legal pad, having hoped that there was some significant breakthrough in the case, something which would revive her friend's flagging hopes that they would see justice done for Sami's murder. "Let me know as soon as those phone records come through," Alex instructed, ending the call.

"Aunty Allie, what's a wa…wa…warren?" Greg asked as he poked his head around the corner of the doorway into the kitchen.

"A warrant? It's an instruction from a judge that makes someone give information to police officers or lets the police look for evidence of crimes in people's homes or offices," Alex explained in generic terms.

"Are police going to search your home or office?" Greg wondered fearfully, eyes flicking towards the door as though an army of officers would storm through it at any moment.

"No honey, I'm an attorney so it's my job to ask judges for warrants when the police need them to stop people doing bad things to each other," Alex assured him, gesturing him closer and hugging him tightly.

"So you're like a superhero? You stop the bad guys, just like Olivia. She told me she was a police ossifer," Greg informed his Godmother sagely. His mispronunciation of 'officer' made Alex smile but she refrained from laughing in case it upset him further. A sudden thought seemed to occur to him. Greg's head shot up to look directly at the young blonde he adored. "Are you Olivia's sidekick? Every superhero needs a sidekick to help them save people from the bad guys."

Alex crouched down until she was eye level with the boy, schooling her features into an appropriate mask of concerned honesty. "If I tell you I am, you have to promise you won't tell anyone, ok? We wouldn't want everyone knowing, would we?"

With an excited yelp, Greg promised profusely that he would keep Liv and Alex's secret. Alex saw no harm in letting him have his fantasy, knowing how often it was that children had so few heroes to look up to.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday March 5<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**16.36**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Bev hugged Alex tightly as they prepared to say their final farewells. Both women had tears in their eyes, knowing it could be months before they saw one another again even though they were assured they would be speaking and emailing often.

"Call me as soon as you're home, please? I'll only worry whether you made it if not," Alex requested as she finally drew away.

"I promise," Bev confirmed earnestly, cupping Alex's face with one palm and tenderly .

Liv handed over a cranky Alison to the attorney so she could say a quick goodbye, the baby picking up on the tension and reacting to it grumpily. Greg latched on to her pant leg, shyly angling after a hug from his hero. He too was quiet and grouchy, unwilling to be parted from the two women he had enjoyed spending time with over the last few days. The brunette crouched down, gathering the young boy in to her in a one armed, sideways hug. "Hey buddy, you gotta promise me something, ok?" Pausing to make sure she had his unwavering attention, Liv continued, "I need you to make sure your Mom is ok today. She's sad at having to leave Auntie Allie behind too. Think you can do that, big man?"

"I'll try," he promised solemnly, flinging his arms around her neck and squeezing tightly, a few tears leaking from his eyes at their impending separation.

Letting Alison go back to her mom, Alex took over from Liv, gathering Greg to her and wrapping him up in a fierce hug. For long moments, the two stayed locked together, neither willing to let go until Alex kissed his damp cheek and followed it up with a long raspberry against his neck. "I love you, Greggo and I'll see you as soon as I can."

"I love you too Auntie Allie," Greg informed the blonde sincerely, sniffling a little.

"It was really nice to meet you all, Bev," Liv stated as she pulled Alex's friend into a brief embrace. "Thank you…for everything," she whispered.

"Be careful, stay safe and look after Allie for me," Bev murmured in response before pulling away. "It was lovely to meet you too."

Bev gathered up the last of their belongings, calling for Greg to join her and the trio trooped out of the door. Greg's head turned, his eyes locking on Alex's until they were out of sight of her apartment.

Alex closed the door once she could no longer see the family, slumping against it and letting her legs slide out from underneath her until she rested on the floor, back propped up against the front door, knees tucked up beneath her chin. She wrapped her arms around her shins, resting her head atop her knees and giving in to the overwhelming need to cry. Almost instantly, Olivia was beside her wrapping her up in a warm embrace and holding her close, rocking her gently and whispering soothing words of comfort and support. Alex clung to her friend desperately, every ounce of her sorrow pouring out of her, years of pent up pain, frustration and anxiety unleashed in the wake of her friend's departure. Liv gently scooped the younger woman into her arms, standing as though she weighed nothing. Striding confidently through the apartment, she took the attorney into the bedroom, placing her on the bed and climbing on beside her. As soon as she was settled, Alex moulded herself into Liv's side, burying her face in the brunette's shoulder. Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex as they lay facing one another, their legs naturally intertwining.

"What can I do to make you feel better, Al?" Liv queried tenderly, rubbing slow, soothing circles over the exposed expanse of back.

"Just…please…just…hold me," Alex sobbed brokenly, gripping tightly to Olivia's clothing as though she would disappear if she were to let go for even just a second. It was as though that one action, that one sight of her friend walking away had unleashed a tidal wave of years worth of hurt. All the times she had had to leave everything behind in the programme when yet another threat to her life was detected spun through her mind. Liv's face was amongst the images, the tears pooling in her eyes as she attempted to remain stoic in front of Elliot and Agent Hammond as Alex was revealed to be alive but may as well have been dead after Zapata and Velez had arranged to have her shot. The movie in her mind played on, spooling forward to her return to New York, to how she had discovered her mother had died during her time in the programme and whilst they weren't the closest pair, she was still Alex's mother, the only one she would ever have and she had been robbed of the chance to say goodbye. Her body attempted to fold in on itself, to curl up into a tiny ball in an effort to escape the pain, even though it was coming from within her, from inside her heart.

"Hey, sshhhh, it's ok, I've got you, I've got you," Liv murmured over and over again, attempting to soothe the attorney's distress. Part of her realised that there was more to this than simply saying goodbye to her friend, that there was something more significant going through the younger woman's mind but she was loathe to push for explanations, fearing that Alex would opt to shut down rather than vocalise the source of her pain. As Alex's legs moved to curl up between them, effectively pushing Olivia away, she acted on instinct, wrapping her own legs around Alex's, keeping their bodies close but cocooning the young blonde in what she hoped felt to be a safe and comforting embrace.

Alex felt herself being surrounded by Liv's body, let the sensation act as a shield to the worst of her distress, let it ground her and anchor her against the waves of memory threatening to wash her out into a sea of never ending sorrow. Her sobs subsided, finally settling to the occasional hiccough and still Liv held her, keeping her safe, keeping her whole, throwing her the life line she so desperately needed in that moment. "I'm sorry…" Alex whispered miserably.

"Sshh, no need for that. It's what you needed to do and I get the impression it's been a long time coming. You're always so strong, so put together, so… there for everyone else. It's about time you let someone return the favour for you. And that's what makes this so special, 'Lex… this that we have…because we both know that we can do this from either side. You've been there for me when I've fallen apart without judging me or abandoning me and I can do the same for you. You're safe, any time you need to let out anything, even things you've been holding back for years, I'll be here for you in any way you need me to be. You're my best friend, Alex, I hate to see you hurting but I hate even more when you're struggling to keep that pain inside so as not to be a 'burden' on anyone else. No matter what, I'm here for you and will never see you as that, even if you cry on my shoulder every day," Liv insisted warmly, twisting her head around to brush her lips over Alex's brow. The attorney's head shifted a little, bringing those same warm lips to rest over her tear-streaked cheek. Liv pressed a second, then a third, chaste kiss there. Both women froze, their mouths tantalisingly close together. It would be so easy to close the gap. As though drawn by invisible magnets, they moved almost imperceptibly nearer, eyes fluttering shut in anticipation of what was inevitably about to come...

The ringing of a cell phone sounded startlingly loud in the silent apartment, effectively breaking the spell and dispersing the momentary tension. Alex groaned as she recognised the tone as belonging to her cell, knowing she couldn't ignore it and reasoning that, after the near miss of kissing Olivia, it was probably a good thing they were interrupted.

"Cabot," she barked as she raced through to the lounge and grabbed the offending device off the coffee table.

"_Ms Cabot, it's Detective Sykes, I believe my colleague spoke to you earlier regarding the Camanetti case?_"

"He did and I told him my hands are tied, I can't get a warrant for those bank records without some sort of solid evidence to show they are pertinent to your investigation," Alex reiterated, assuming that the detective had sicced his partner on her to try and wangle the warrant.

"_You did and I appreciate that, you not jumping the gun I mean. I'd already told him we needed to wait for the phone records to come back but he's keen to see whoever is responsible for this brought to justice. Detective Benson is one of our own, we all want to see the perp pay, we just have different ways of making that happen. I'd rather be sure when they get put away, they stay away,_" Sykes explained, hurrying on when he heard an exasperated sigh at the other end of the line. "_So I'm calling to let you know the phone records are now back. As you might expect, the calls we're interested in came from a pre-paid cell but we have managed to track where that cell was sold. We've been to the store and asked for surveillance footage but it's been recorded over already. The clerk did remember selling a phone around that time to a guy who seemed particularly nervous, kept dropping his wallet when he was fumbling around to pay. She saw his driver's licence, remembered his name because he actually used to teach her at school. The phone belongs to a Craig Jackson, principal at the school where Ms Camanetti taught._"

Alex's heart pounded as she listened to the development, knowing that they were still a long way from making any arrests but feeling like progress at least on a small scale was being made. "Ok, bring him in for questioning – he's not under arrest yet, we just have some questions about Samia that we need his help with, get him to come in voluntarily. If he won't, if he refuses, let me know and I'll speak to a judge. I'll update FDA Carmichael and let her know what the latest is. Call me when he's at the precinct, I want to be there when you question him."

Liv had been lying on her back in the bedroom, listening to the quiet sounds of Alex's phone conversation, catching only the occasional word. Her mind was racing as she thought of how close she had come to kissing the attorney, despite both their reservations about her readiness to engage in any kind of flirtation. It seemed the chemistry between them, now acknowledged, had its own agenda and was determined to throw them together at every opportunity, testing both of their wills. Sam's name floated on the air penetrating Liv's subconscious and drawing her out of the bedroom in time to hear Alex wrapping up her phone call. She was about to draw attention to her presence when the blonde punched in a new number and began another call.

"Abbie, it's Alex Cabot. I need you to phone me back when you get this message. There's been a development on the Camanetti case that you're going to want to hear. If you can't get hold of me on my cell, you'll probably catch me at the precinct with Sykes and Morientes." Alex rattled off the number for the Midtown South precinct from memory before disconnecting the call.

"What's going on?" Liv asked warily, wondering what the development was that Alex had mentioned.

"Liv, I… can I ask you to trust me to tell you when I know if it's something worth pursuing? If it really is something pertinent to the case? I'm asking you as one of the prosecutors on your fiancée's case, not as your friend. In this, I can't act as your friend…or anything more than a professional, not if we want any case we build to stick." The words stuck in Alex's throat. She hated having to keep Liv out of the loop but knew that it was vital she do so. If the case ever came to court, it was highly probable the detective would be called as a witness, having been in the diner, having seen the bomb firsthand. Nobody would want there to be any chance of the bomber getting off on a technicality and conflict of interest, sharing sensitive information with a witness would definitely hamper any case they could build. Her eyes implored Olivia to understand that, to realise that she was doing what she had to for the integrity of the case, to make sure that when the time was right, the person or people responsible would feel the full weight of the law against them.

She watched the older woman weighing up her options, watched as myriad emotions rolled through her expressive eyes finally seeing resignation set it. With a weary nod, the brunette accepted that her not knowing every detail of the case was vital and for the best. "I do trust you, Alex. You and Abbie, I trust you both to nail whoever is responsible. It's hard…being on this side of an investigation and not knowing what's happening but…I do trust you."

Alex relaxed muscles she hadn't been aware she was tensing, her shoulders easing downwards as she released a relieved sigh. "Thank you. I promise I will let you know what I can, when I can."

There was an awkward pause, a charged silence as both women contemplated what to say and do next. Finally, Olivia broke the moment with a murmured apology.

"I'm sorry…about before…about… nearly… you know. It would have been wrong, I'd have been taking advantage of you while you were vulnerable and needing a friend…"

"No…you… you wouldn't. It would have been me…taking advantage of you. I shouldn't have…there would have been no excuse for me using you to make myself feel better when you've been nothing but honest with me about the fact that you're not ready…" Alex stated vehemently, self recrimination lacing her tone.

"Maybe we just need to accept that we both need…each other…for different reasons but…in the same way. I wish we could be each other's sugar pill, dull one another's pain even if only for a short time but I couldn't do that to you. I can't use you and expect you to still want to be my friend. Why was it easier when I thought my feelings were unrequited?" Liv scoffed, self deprecatingly.

"Because then it wasn't an acknowledged option to act on those feelings so our subconscious minds suppressed our desires. Now…now it's like we both know it will happen but the timing couldn't be worse," Alex admitted head dropping as she toyed with the phone in her hands, turning it over and over.

"It will happen…won't it?" Liv asked thickly, realising that it was potentially impossible to prevent the tide of attraction from cresting and washing them away in its swell.

"It will…so long as you feel the same when the time's right," Alex concluded, stepping around the brunette with a gentle squeeze to her forearm before shutting herself in her en-suite bathroom.


	44. Chapter 44

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Apologies for the longer than anticipated delay - I took a week off work and ended up with less time to write than when I'm in the office! Back to the grind now so will try to keep on top of posting updates :)**_

_**Thanks, as always for all your reviews, I love reading what you think of the chapters. Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday March 5<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.09**_

_**Midtown South Precinct, West 35**__**th**__** Street**_

"Mr Jackson, do you know a Kieran O Keefe?" Detective Morientes asked as he stalked around the interrogation room in which they were questioning a nervy, sweating Craig Jackson.

"I know of him and I've met him on a few occasions at school functions. His nephew, Edward, was a student at our school up until his murder," Jackson spat bitterly.

"Have you ever had reason to have any dealings with O'Keefe outside of school events?" Sykes asked from his seat across the table from the principal, pen in hand poised to scribble down notes.

"We spoke some at Edward's funeral service," the man answered cagily, eyes darting between the two detectives.

"We have reason to believe you spoke to him on more occasions than that, Mr Jackson," Morientes stated, coming to rest beside the anxious suspect, palms pressed flat against the scarred table top.

"Why would I?" Jackson asked incredulously.

"We're hoping that's what you can tell us. You see, Mr Jackson, Kieran O'Keefe is someone we'd like to talk to in relation to Samia Camanetti's death and we're asking anyone who might have any kind of connection to him to help us locate him. The sooner we can question him, the sooner we can get to the bottom of whether he was involved in your teacher's murder. I'm sure you want to do everything you can to help us with our investigation, don't you? What with you being her principal and all." Morientes drawled lazily.

"I've no idea where he is. I haven't seen him in over twelve months," Jackson protested, wiping a trail of sweat from his temple, hand shaking tremulously.

"But you have spoken to him," Sykes reiterated firmly. "Mr Jackson, can you confirm that this is the number of a pre-paid cell phone you bought earlier this year?" Sykes slid a copy of the phone records across the table, with the number in question highlighted every time a call had been placed.

"I…uh…I think so…I don't really know. You know how it is, never know you're own phone number," Craig babbled, swallowing convulsively.

"Are you still the owner of that cell phone, Mr Jackson?" Sykes pressed, leaning forward to crowd the nervous man further.

"Bear in mind we can get a warrant to search your home, your car, anywhere we suspect you might keep that cell phone, before you think about lying to us," Morientes added, resuming his incessant pacing. "Planting bombs, making threats against people's lives, these are very serious crimes Mr Jackson. Federal crimes. If you know anything about that, it really is in your best interests to co-operate with us."

"The phone's in my desk at the school," Jackson admitted bitterly. "It wasn't my idea to blow anyone up. I want a lawyer."

Alex sighed from behind the glass, sensing that she was in for a long night and knowing that their hands were tied until such a time as Jackson's defence attorney arrived. She watched as the two detectives guided the suspect to his feet with the intention of escorting him to the holding cells. She pulled her phone out and began to scroll through her list of contacts, wondering which judge she could approach for a warrant to search the school at that hour of the day.

"He was only supposed to teach her a damn lesson," Jackson griped sourly.

Alex's head whipped around, fist raised to hammer against the glass.

"Shut it. You asked for a lawyer which means we can't speak to you until they arrive so do us all a favour and keep your mouth shut," Sykes growled.

"If I retract my request for a lawyer, what then?" Jackson asked, steadfastly refusing to walk another step, suddenly appearing to want to get a confession off his chest.

"I'll need to speak to our attorney. Why don't you take a seat?" The question was rhetorical as Jackson was steered into the chair he had only recently vacated. Sykes and Morientes stepped out of the room, looking expectantly at the ADA.

"Miranda him and then get him to sign a waiver to say he understands his rights and the consequences of waiving those rights. Then he's all yours, he can say whatever he wants to say…until the next time he squeals for a lawyer," Alex advised them tersely, wishing for once, a perp would just get it over with quickly. Her phone vibrated in her palm, indicating an incoming call. Turning her back on the one-way glass window into the interrogation room, she leant against the low sill which ran along its base. "Cabot," she answered wearily.

"_Hi Alex, it's Abbie, I just picked up your message. What's happening?_" The Texan's low drawl floated through the tiny receiver.

"A whole lot of small things which might add up to a lead on O'Keefe or they may be nothing. Craig Jackson's just been arrested. Sykes and Morientes brought him in to answer some questions regarding phone calls from a pre-paid cell he bought, calls made to O'Keefe. He said it wasn't his idea, that, and I quote, '_he was only supposed to teach her a lesson,_' end quote."

"_Ok, so how does Jackson fit into Samia's death? Do we know the content of those phone calls? Did he incriminate himself?_" Abbie asked, her interest piqued.

"Not yet. He might just be a guy who needs to pick his friends better but the forensic accountant found two payments made to O'Keefe, one the week before the bombing and one almost immediately after. I can't get a warrant from any judge to give us access to those account records without some corroborating evidence." Alex listened as Abbie made encouraging noises on the other end of the phone.

"_Hmmm, it definitely sounds like he's someone we should be asking a lot more questions of. Where are we at with him? Has he requested counsel?_"

Alex spun back around to focus on what was happening in the room behind her. "He asked for a lawyer but then retracted the request and has just this second signed a waiver."

"_Great, I love it when they're too stupid to realise having counsel works in their favour!_" Abbie quipped, pausing a moment before adding, "_didn't you say he's the Principal at the school where Samia taught? Christ, I worry for the state of kids at his school! Anyway, I'll let you get back to listening to Jackson squeal. Text or email me or something when you know anything more ok? I'm home this evening so if you want to talk it through, or just want to chat, give me a call, yeah?_"

"I'll speak to you later then," Alex assured, not clarifying whether it would be case related or not.

"…you've been read your rights and you've waived the right to have an attorney present. Do you understand that anything you say from this point onwards can be used against you in any trial should you be found to have engaged in any illegal activities?" Detective Sykes was asking as Alex tuned back in.

"Yes, I do…I understand," Jackson stammered, still sweating copiously.

"And do you also understand that you still have the right to request an attorney at any time and we will be obliged to suspend the interview until counsel can be arranged for you?" Sykes asked, needing to get his co-operation on record.

"Yes," Craig sighed, slumping back into the chair.

"Alright then, let's start with an easy one: how do you know Kieran O'Keefe? What is your relationship with him?"

"O'Keefe's nephew used to be a student at my school before Edward was killed. I got talking to Kieran after the funeral. He was furious, held the police responsible for his nephew's death – Detective Benson in particular. He felt that she had given Eddie false hope, made him feel safe when he obviously still had a lot to fear from his abuser," Jackson rambled, drumming his fingers against the wooden table.

"We know about that already. What we want to know is where you fit in to his plans to get revenge against Detective Benson," Morientes stated, suggesting that they knew more about O'Keefe's involvement in the bombing than they actually did. Alex realised she would need to keep a close eye on him and pull him out at the first sign of him extracting a confession through coercion.

"I'm getting to that but I need you to understand how he got me involved, how he pulled me into his personal circle of Hell. I have a… small personal habit. O'Keefe discovered that after the funeral and he used me to keep tabs on Detective Benson in return for a regular supply of coke." Alex's hackles rose once again as she listened to the suspect openly admit to being a drug user, knowing that they would need to ensure he wasn't under the influence before anything could be admissible in court. Fortunately, Sykes seemed to know how to play by the rules and interrupted Jackson before he could say anything further.

"When was your last hit? Are you under the influence now?"

"No…no! Do I need to take a piss test or something to prove it? I'm no addict, I just need something to take the edge off some days when I get in from work," Craig insisted.

"When did you last take any cocaine, Mr Jackson?" Morientes reiterated, not wanting anything they discovered to be subsequently thrown out in court either.

"Two days ago," Jackson admitted.

"Ok, so O'Keefe supplied you with coke in return for what kind of information about Detective Benson?" Sykes asked, getting the interrogation back on track, satisfied that they had sufficient assurances that their suspect was clean to prevent anything he said being thrown out in court.

"Where she went, what her routine was, where she lived, who her friends are, if she has any family. That's how I knew about her and Samia Camanetti… that they were _fucking_." He spat the word with such distaste that it left no one in any doubt as to his feelings regarding the nature of Liv's relationship with Sam.

"You get off while you watched them in bed together?" Morientes taunted, leering into the man's pale face.

"Don't be disgusting. I saw them spend an increasing amount of time together. They slept at each other's apartments. They kissed, in the street, in broad daylight. And then Ms Camanetti moved in with her. I checked, it's a one bedroom apartment, doesn't take a genius to work out they were more than close friends," Jackson replied, gagging on the words as though he had a nasty taste in his mouth.

"So you had your own beef with them because they were lesbians?" Morientes asked, coaxing the man into admitting the attack had been a hate crime.

"It's not natural. It's not right. A woman is supposed to be with a man and a man with a woman," Jackson insisted vehemently.

"What about their relationship hurt you personally, Mr Jackson? You fancy your chances with Ms Camanetti before you discovered she preferred the company of her own gender?" Morientes goaded, deliberately attempting to get a rise out of their suspect.

"It wasn't personal, not to me. I just think that sometimes, someone needs to teach their kind that what they're doing is wrong," Jackson insisted.

"Being in love is wrong?" Sykes fired back, shaking his head in disgust.

"Women are not capable of loving other women, not like men love them. Only deviants believe they can. Backstabbing, manipulative, wife-stealing deviants," Jackson erupted, spittle flying from his lips as he raged.

Morientes and Sykes exchanged a look before turning back to the now furiously ranting man.

"…all the same, thinking they're better than me, that they don't need a man to give them what they need. She needed to know she was wrong, that the only way to get what she needs is with a man."

"So you asked O'Keefe to teach her a lesson for you?" Morientes encouraged.

"You bet I did. I was doing all this work for him; following Benson around, watching her flaunt her sick affair with that goody-goody Camanetti, reporting back to him with where she was at, what she was doing, who she cared about. I figured it was time I got something more than that weak ass shit he gave me so I told him I wanted her to realise the mistake she was making, make her see that being with that woman – any woman – would lead to a world of pain. I never told him to do what he did – that bomb thing, killing her, that was entirely his idea. I just wanted her shook up a little, you know, not dead. I mean, what will she learn being dead? Squat, that's what!"

"And what did you give O'Keefe in return for him teaching her a lesson?" Sykes asked cautiously, hoping the man hadn't talked himself out during his previous blabbering.

"A modest payment, which was small price to pay to see her get what she was due. I paid him, $50k, gave him access to her at the school and told him to make her sorry she ever looked at any woman," Jackson stated proudly.

"And what exactly did you think he was going to do for that amount of money?" Morientes asked sceptically, wondering if the coke had warped the guys brain or if he really was just plain stupid.

"I didn't want to know details. I didn't want to hear any graphic description of his plans for her just assurances that she'd never make the mistake of getting into bed with another woman again." Apparently, he was dense enough to believe that fifty thousand dollars would buy him a violent but non-fatal lesson for the target of his ire.

"I'm still not entirely clear why you singled out Miss Camanetti, Mr Jackson. Why her? What had she done to hurt you personally? There are hundreds if not thousands of homosexuals you must have come into contact with during your life, why her? And why now?" Detective Sykes questioned, seriously beginning to suspect that any attorney worth their salt might go for an insanity defence.

"What more do I have to say to make you people see what they were doing is wrong? It's disgusting. No one should be able to tell people that that kind of behaviour is acceptable, that it's ok to break up marriages and homes and families to pursue sick, perverted liaisons with other women." Jackson's temper began to flair again, his chest heaving and his eyes flashing wildly between the two police officers.

"But Miss Camanetti wasn't married, nor was Detective Benson. Neither of them were in a relationship before they became involved with one another. Neither had families nor children." Detective Sykes paused momentarily before conjecturing, "you only seem to have such strong feelings about women who enter into relationships with other women. Do you not see gay men as being equally abhorrent in your eyes?"

"Of course I do…but no gay man has ever stolen my wife from me," Jackson spat bitterly.

"Neither did Miss Camanetti," Morientes pointed out reasonably.

"But she's one of _them_. They're all the same, can't be trusted. And she was teaching children…_children_…that it's ok to be a lesbian so another generation can grow up thinking it's acceptable to welcome perverts into society." Alex's stomach turned as she listened to the ravings of the man responsible for ordering Samia's murder. Whether that had been his intention or not, it was his actions which had set the chain of events into action. Knocking on the glass to draw the men out of the interrogation room, she released a tired sigh.

As the door closed behind them, Morientes complained, "we're not done with him yet."

"You have all you need for the moment and I have sufficient evidence to request a warrant for his bank records and for the bank to release details of where those payments to O'Keefe originated from. I think we all realise it's highly likely the name on the account will be Jackson's but the bank can confirm that for the record. I'll also request a warrant to search Jackson's house, his car and his office at the school so you can get that phone and match it to the calls made to O'Keefe. With any luck, he'll have kept in touch with O'Keefe since his disappearance and we'll have a new number to trace him. Do some more background digging on Jackson, find out if he was ever married and if so, did his wife leave him for another woman? We need to know what sparked this if we're to fight any insanity defence his attorney conjures up – and he will request one sooner or later once he realises how deep he's in." Alex glanced at her watch, internally groaning at the time displayed. "Put him in a holding cell overnight. Go back at him in the morning when hopefully we'll have more information to use. I'll be in my office drawing up warrants and trying to find a judge who will sign off on them tonight."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday March 5<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**23.43**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex crept in to her apartment, closing the door behind her as quietly as she could. She looked towards the spare room, Olivia's room once again now that Bev had gone home. The door was ajar, a nightlight on inside. Stepping out of her shoes and stowing her attaché in the closet, Alex sighed with relief that the day was finally over and began the trek towards her own room. She stifled a yawn, looking forward to falling into her bed and blocking out all thoughts of her day. With Bev and the kids leaving followed by the distressing interview she had witnessed with Craig Jackson, the attorney suspected that her sleep would not be all that restful but all the same, she just wanted to escape the conscious world for a while.

"'Lex?" Liv called softly as she heard quiet footsteps passing by her room.

With another sigh, Alex popped her head around the doorjamb, smiling as she saw Liv sitting up in bed with her laptop balanced on her blanket covered knees. "I thought you had a rule about not bringing that thing to bed," Alex queried admonishingly. "You won't sleep if your brains all wound up from looking at the screen, reading news stories and emails."

"I'm not," Liv shrugged, turning the computer slightly to allow Alex to glimpse what she had been viewing before Alex had come home. "It's a web series Sam used to enjoy watching. I used her details and logged on to let the people she chatted with know that she won't be back. I've meant to do it before but I've never felt up to it. I didn't see the point in putting it off any longer. I clicked on one of the episodes to see what all the fuss was about, ended up watching the whole series," the brunette admitted a little bashfully. Patting the empty expanse of bed beside her, she beckoned the younger woman fully into the room. "You look like the day's taken its toll on you."

"I can't talk about it, Liv," Alex cautioned, even as she stepped further into the room, called by the comfort offered by the bed.

"I know," the brunette assured, folding the laptop closed and slipping it onto the floor beside the bed. "I don't expect you to," she said, straightening up and watching as Alex perched primly on the opposite side of the bed. "You just seem like you could use a little distraction and relaxation." Liv settled herself back against her pillows, opening her arms in silent invitation for the blonde to seek shelter in them. Silently, the attorney accepted the request, snuggling into the proffered embrace. Figuring that she needed something to take her mind off the day, Liv started to talk about whatever sprung to mind. "Bev called earlier to let us know that they made it home safely. She said it took about an hour for Greg to stop crying at having to leave us behind but once Bev promised he could send us pictures and call us once in a while, he brightened up a little apparently."

"I'm going to miss them all. Even though it was crowded, it made this place feel more alive, more like a home rather than just an apartment," Alex confessed dejectedly.

"I know you will sweetheart but you'll see them again before too long, we'll make sure of it," Olivia pulled Alex closer, wrapping her up in a tight, supportive embrace. The attorney allowed herself to sink into the hold, her weight resting more solidly against the sturdy frame of her friend, eyes fluttering shut. As they did so, images of Sam, of Jackson's bitter tirade, of saying goodbye to Olivia after being shot flooded her mind, making her heart race and her muscles clench tightly.

"I need to get some sleep," she stated wearily, hauling herself with much difficulty from her comfortable position. "I'll let you get back to your viewing." Pulling herself from the bed, Alex began a slow trek towards the door.

"You don't have to go, 'Lex," the brunette told her friend as she watched her go, resigned to spending the night alone such was the look of determination on the young woman's face.

"I think I do. You still need to rest and I need to send Abbie an email updating her on where the case is at. I don't want to disturb you and I would, if I stayed…and I…I might do something we both regret," Alex informed the detective cryptically before fleeing from the room and closing the door to her own firmly behind her.

Alex climbed into her bed, having completed her nightly ablutions, pulling her own laptop onto her knee and opening up her email programme. She rapidly typed out a response to Abbie.

"_Hi Abbie_

_Sorry I haven't managed to call you back like I said I would. I've only just got home about ten minutes ago and then Liv wanted a quick chat so I thought rather than disturb you, I'd drop you an email to let you know what's what with the case._

_Craig Jackson is a homophobic son of a bitch who has freely admitted, twice, on record that he wanted Samia Camanetti taught a lesson for choosing to enter into a relationship with a woman. He also admitted paying O'Keefe $50,000 to teach her that lesson but denies any knowledge of what he had planned. I managed to sweet talk Judge Runkin into signing off on warrants for his bank records, phone records and search warrants for his home, his car and his office at the school which is where he claims the pre-paid cell phone is. I've asked the detectives to look more into his background, see if he was ever married – he kept mentioning his belief that all lesbians are 'wife stealers' so I really feel like for him, this was more of a hating all lesbians thing than a direct attack on Sam or Liv. Unfortunately for them, he just happened to be in their orbit and has a very poor choice in friends. I'll email you the transcripts of the interview tomorrow from the office and see what you think but I suspect the defence will be looking for some kind of insanity defence or diminished responsibility at the very least._

_Well, it's been a Hell of a day so I'm going to go and read for a while to try and switch my brain off in the hopes I don't have too many nightmares._

_Talk to you tomorrow but I'll definitely email those transcripts over as soon as they're typed and ready to go._

_Regards_

_Alex x_"

It seemed like only seconds after she had sent the email that Alex received a request from the Texan to begin an instant messaging conversation.

**Tex1973: **"_Hey Alex, I'm still up if you want to chat?_"

**AlCab:** "Hi Abbie, I'm not great company tonight :( Sorry."

**Tex1973: **"_All the more reason to talk it out, whatever's on your mind. Problem shared and all that._"

**AlCab: **"In this instance, I'm really not sure it'll help."

**Tex1973:** "_Don't make me call you, Blondie. You know I will and then Liv will ask questions and since you're on here rather than still talking to her, I'm guessing you shut her down too._"

**AlCab: **"Since when do you think you know me so well?" Fury began to rise within the attorney.

**Tex1973: **"_Deflecting. Another classic avoidance technique. When in doubt, go on the attack and hope the other party backs down. Might work for you in court and in negotiations of plea bargains, Alex, but not with me. So quit stalling and starting talking – or typing rather. I'm waiting..._"

Alex knew she could, and probably should, just shut the computer down but understood that Abbie was a woman of her word and would only call her cell and possibly the landline too in her efforts to get her to talk.

**AlCab: **"It's nothing, just been a long, tiring and stressful day is all. My friend, who's been visiting, went home today and then I had to listen to the suspect spout his vitriolic bull. I just have a lot going through my head right now," Alex admitted, hoping the generic, vague response would satisfy the Texan. She should have known better.

**Tex1973:** "_If that's all it was, you'd be next door with Olivia, letting her hold you. Sleeping alone never did chase away the nightmares for me, I'm guessing the same's true for you too. So while that may be a large part of what's keeping you awake, why don't you tell me the rest of it? The part you can't tell Olivia._"

Alex was very glad she didn't have video chat going as she felt a blush spreading over her cheeks at the truth of Abbie's statement.

**AlCab: **"Fine, ok you're right. Happy now?" Alex hit send, pausing as she considered how to put into words what was plaguing her mind and preventing her from seeking comfort in her friend's arms.

**Tex1973:** "_Not until I hear what's on your mind so we can work through it and help you get some sleep, no. Have you slept much since I left? No matter what you might think of me, Alex, I do care about you and you had me worried when I had to come back to Washington. You're not just some meaningless fuck to me. I like you, in a friends with possible occasional benefits kind of way._" The blonde could almost see the US Attorney shrugging off her statement nonchalantly.

**AlCab:** "Liv and I talked. She knows how I feel about her," Alex typed, sending the message without further explanation.

**Tex1973: **"_When? Tonight?_" Abbie queried almost instantly.

**AlCab:** "No, over the past few days, we've talked about it a few times actually. Abbie she…" Again Alex paused, unsure what to type, how much to tell the other woman or indeed how to tell her. She had never been one to discuss her feelings with girlfriends, mainly because those women she became friendly with were merely for appearances sakes, women with the right surname or the right connections to please her family. Until Olivia, Alex couldn't really say she had had a close female friend since college. "…she has feelings for me too," she finally settled on.

**Tex1973: **"_I know. I figured that much out for myself but I'm glad you two finally got it together enough to talk to one another. So what happens now? You two going to give it a go?_" Abbie asked, genuinely interested in seeing two of her most favoured people finding happiness, preferably together.

**AlCab:** "It's too soon to say. Liv's not ready to think about anything with anyone else yet. She made me promise not to ignore other opportunities for love, for companionship – physical or emotional – because she can't offer me any guarantees that she'll ever be able to share that kind of relationship with me. And I know what she's saying is right and true and I do want to be there for her as a friend...but part of my brain, the part that comes out when I'm sleeping, has other ideas. It's like now I know she shares my feelings, I can't stop dreaming about her, dreaming about how much I want her."

**Tex1973:** "_Ooh Cabot's admitting to having steamy dreams about the luscious Olivia Benson, is she? Lol._"

**AlCab:** "Abbie, grow up. I'm serious. I'm finding it difficult to be around her, as much as I want to, because it's like my hormones know no off switch now that being with her is a viable possibility."

**Tex1973:** "_Maybe that's just because it's been a while since you've let yourself act like a teenager with a crush. We all have a part of us that goes a bit wild when we're attracted to someone. It overrides our usual sensible nature for a while and then calms down to a more manageable level – haven't you ever felt like that before?_"

**AlCab:** "Ummm *blush* no. Does that make me pathetic?"

**Tex1973:** "_No! Of course not! Wow, I'm…you may just have achieved the impossible, I think I might be speechless!_"

**AlCab:** "Don't be facetious, Carmichael or I'm ending this conversation right here, right now."

**Tex1973:** "_I'm honestly not, Alex. Can I call you? So you can hear I'm being genuine when I say I'm shocked and saddened that you've never felt this way about anyone before. Geez Alex, you're seriously telling me this is the first time you've gone all, I don't know, mushy over someone? What about the guy you were engaged to? Didn't you, you know, fantasize about being with him?_"

**AlCab:** "I'd prefer to keep talking this way – it's hard enough for me to type this, I'm not sure I could actually talk about it. And with regards Robert, no I never dreamt about him in any sense – erotic or not. I didn't much care for him but it was expected that I would marry a successful, ambitious man and he met my family's expectations." Alex paused for a moment before firing off another message.

**AlCab:** "How do I get past this? How do I learn to suppress what I'm feeling?"

**Tex1973:** "_I'm not sure you should. What good would it do to keep all that tension, all that sexual frustration pent up inside of you? Do you think that's going to stop the dreams?_"

**AlCab:** "It's not just the dreams. I don't trust myself around her. I don't trust that I won't do something to overstep the mark and make her uncomfortable to be around me. I worry, all the time, that I'll kiss her when she holds me or touch her inappropriately in my sleep."

**Tex1973:** "_If that's truly how you feel then you need to satisfy your craving for her because until you do, you'll just keep pining after her and terrifying yourself with thoughts of ravishing her against her will. But just for the record, I don't believe for a moment that you would ever do anything to upset Liv, intentionally or not._"

**AlCab:** "You don't know that, you _can't_ know that. And how exactly am I supposed to 'satisfy my craving' for Olivia without forcing myself on her when she's clearly not in a position emotionally or psychologically to have any kind of relationship with anyone else, not even just a meaningless fuck."

**Tex1973:** "_I don't know, go out to a bar, find yourself someone who reminds you enough of her to get some of it out of your system for now. Hell, any woman would do to take the edge off whether she looks like Olivia or not. If you want, I can recommend a friend of mine in New York. She's very talented… very satisfying._"

**AlCab:** "That's not what I want and I'm not sure it would work either. Please don't take this the wrong way but I don't think I can be like you are, picking up women to just sleep with them without any deeper involvement. I've done my share of that with men and it never achieved anything, never fulfilled any of my needs or desires. I guess I'll just have to resign myself to a lot of cold showers and unresolved lust in my future."

**Tex1973:** "_Well, there's always the self satisfaction route and I'm always available if you need any…stimulation to help you along, either on the phone or on here._" Abbie felt a flush of desire course through her at her own suggestion, remembering the feel of Alex between her thighs. The blonde attorney too experienced an increase in her arousal in spite of herself.

**AlCab:** "I couldn't…I wouldn't know where to start, what to say/type."

Alex glanced towards her door, hoping that Olivia wouldn't decide to choose to try and join her any time soon.

**Tex1973:** "_Just imagine what you'd like someone to be doing to you right now. Would you want them to start slowly? To undress you and take their time exploring your body? Would you want them to take your breasts in their palms, massaging and caressing them until your nipples were straining, yearning to be touched? What do you see when you dream of Olivia? What do you imagine her doing to you?_" Abbie let one hand slide from the keyboard to caress her own breast much as she had just described to her marginally younger friend.

**AlCab:** "I'm not sure about this Abbie. I'm not sure I'm comfortable…sharing such intimate details." Alex shifted uncomfortably on the bed, feeling a growing dampness at her apex.

**Tex1973:** "_Alex, relax and live a little. It's nothing compared to what we've already shared. After all, I've had my head between your thighs just as you've had yours between mine. What harm can it do? Are you really so straight-laced that you're not even a little bit turned on by the idea of sharing your deepest fantasies?_" Abbie let her hand return to her chest, toying with her now semi-erect nipple as she made herself more comfortable on her couch, contemplating what she was embarking on with her fellow attorney.

Alex allowed another deeper blush to blossom over her features as she considered what the brunette was proposing, appreciating her wanting to offer assistance even as her rational mind baulked at the idea.

**AlCab:** "I can't believe I'm really going to do this." Alex paused again briefly, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath before continuing to type.

**AlCab:** "If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll deny all knowledge until my dying day and I will also hunt you down and kill you, slowly, tortuously and methodically, are we clear?"

**Tex1973:** "_You have my word. Now relax, open yourself up – mentally I mean, although you know, you might want to do it physically after a while too ;-p. What do you need right now, Alex? If I was there in person and you weren't besotted with Olivia, what would you want me to do for you?_"

Alex felt a shockwave pass through her at Abbie's comment, her core clenching in anticipation. The flood of arousal broke the final shred of her resistance.

**AlCab:** "I'd want to feel your skin against mine, to feel the length of you on top of me, pressing into me."  
>Alex felt her hips beginning a slow rocking motion beneath the laptop as her desire increased. Abbie too was becoming hyperaware of a heightened sensitivity in certain areas. Parting her legs, she balanced her own machine on one toned thigh before unbuttoning and lowering the zip on her slacks.<p>

**Tex1973:** "_My hands would be massaging your breasts, playing with your nipples until you were squirming beneath me. Touch yourself for me Alex, put your hand on your breast and imagine it to be whosever you need it to be for this to work for you, even if that's Olivia. Let me help you try to get it out of your system. Tell me how it feels, the hand working your breast to its peak._"

Alex did as was bid, sliding her less dominant hand inside her sleep tee, palming her breast and releasing a quiet whimper as the nipple began to press into the sensitive underside of her hand.

**AlCab:** "So good, so…but I need more. I need to be touched."

**Tex1973:** _"Yes, let the hand slide down your body, teasing your skin before dipping into that silky, hot cleft between your thighs. Touch yourself there, Alex. Touch yourself, trace circles around your swelling clit and drive yourself ever closer to that pinnacle your craving to reach._" Abbie followed her own instructions, teasing herself mercilessly as she slid the laptop onto the cushion beside her, allowing her more access to her own body. "_Let me call you, Alex, please? I want to hear you, to hear your voice. That and typing is getting a little…tricky!_"

Too far gone to be prudish any longer, Alex grabbed her cell phone, hitting the speed dial she had recently assigned to the US Attorney, listening to the call connect after just one ring.

"What are we doing?" she panted breathlessly.

"_I believe it's called having phone sex, Ms Cabot_," Abbie purred into her ear, her tone increasingly husky as her arousal spiralled ever higher. "_Are you touching yourself?_"

"Yes," Alex murmured, sighing a little as she ran her fingertip over a particularly sensitive region of her sex. "Are you?"

"_Yes,_" Abbie confirmed. "_I'm pushing two fingers inside myself. God it feels so good_," she moaned closing her eyes at the sensations her actions provoked.

Alex followed suit, entering herself and groaning her appreciation into the handset clamped between her chin and shoulder. With both hands free, she allowed the other to roam across her chest, returning to pay attention to both breasts, heightening her excitement even further. For long moments no further words were exchanged, only grunts and moans as each woman pleasured herself in the audible presence of the other.

"_I can't hold off much longer_," Abbie stated through gritted teeth, thumbing her clit as she pumped vigorously in a steady rhythm.

"Me either," Alex admitted, far more turned on by the experience than she could ever have anticipated. "Take me there Abbie. Take me over the edge with you."

The brunette needed no second invitation, speeding up her attentions, vocalising as much as she could to let the other woman know precisely what she was doing. Twin cries of ecstasy rang through the phone line as they climaxed simultaneously, Abbie falling over the brink mere moments before Alex plummeted into her own orgasm.

"_Wow…that was hot_," Abbie drawled lazily, spent and sated on the couch, hand still nestled between her netherlips.

"Mmm," was the blonde's only response, her eyes fluttering shut and struggling to re-open.

"_You should try to sleep now, honey,_" Abbie murmured softly, gently coaxing her friend into an even more drowsy state. With a whispered goodnight, she rang off, struggling off her couch and making her way into the bathroom for a quick wash before changing for bed.

Alex tossed her phone back onto the nightstand, closing the lid on the laptop without shutting it down and sliding it to the floor beside the bed. Endorphins were still flooding her system, leaving her brain blissfully empty of everything besides the pleasantly satisfied feeling from what had just occurred. Snuggling down into her pillow, her eyes flickered once more and then clamped shut, remaining that way as oblivion arrived.


	45. Chapter 45

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Another day, another chapter... And I just realised that we're at 45 chapters now which brought to mind a question I was asked some time ago about how long I envisaged this story to go on for. At the time, I said perhaps 50 chapters I think - I'm revising that since there is no way in heck my muse is going to let me wrap all of this up in 5 chapters, especially not if I follow the (very) dark path she is steering me down right now! Muse and Evil Brain scare me sometimes! Anyway, those are scenes for an undetermined point in the future but we've a way to get to them yet so yeah, I hope you're all sitting comfortably cos we could be in for the long haul here - like 100 chapters or something ridiculous! Lol.**_

_**Anyway, thank you all, as always, for your fantastic reviews. So glad you enjoyed the Alex/Abbie spice - I thought perhaps it might ease some of the growing tension between our leading ladies. Apparently, muse has other ideas! Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Friday March 6<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**02.14**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Olivia's eyes flickered behind their lids as she lay sleeping heavily, captivated by her current dream.

_Hands trailed over her naked body, following the path of the luscious, succulent lips worshipping her skin. Blonde hair cascaded around her lover's face, tickling gently where it brushed against the hypersensitive flesh of her abdomen. A deft tongue dipped between her labia, parting them just enough to taste her nectar. A low guttural moan of delight reached her ears as the woman began to feast on her in earnest, lapping at her core and massaging her throbbing bundle of nerves. She tilted her head up, bringing it off the soft pillow to watch her lover's endeavours. The vision of the blonde head nestled between her thighs brought a fresh surge of arousal, the additional wetness coating the young woman's lips and chin. Cobalt eyes flicked up to meet her own sending shockwaves through her as she recognised her best friend. The attorney, oblivious to Olivia's surprise returned to her task, pleasuring the older woman with renewed fervour, slipping slender fingers inside her fluttering opening as rosy lips fastened around her distended clit._

"_Oh God," Liv murmured as she felt the first tell-tale signs of her impending climax even as her mind screamed that she should stop Alex._

"_I've got you," a familiar voice assured her as a well manicured hand drifted upwards to claim one bountiful breast._

"_Sam?" the detective whispered breathily, wondering if she was finally going mad having been convinced the woman loving her so thoroughly was her closest friend._

"_I'm right here, honey." The head lifted again, eyes locking onto wide chocolate orbs. Liv blinked to clear her vision but the image of her late lover remained, lips glistening with the brunette's juices, fingers steadily driving her ever onwards in the quest for the ultimate pleasure._

"_I love you," Liv promised, rocking her hips in tandem with the young woman's thrusts. "I'll always love you."_

"_I know, sweetheart. I know. Let go… for me," Sam instructed before bending her head back to the juncture of Olivia's thighs and resuming teasing out the full extent of her orgasm. Slender fingers wrapped around her proudly swollen nipple, toying with it and sending sparks straight to her sopping core. Olivia climaxed on a scream, a loud keening wail that reverberated around the spartan room in which she lay. The brunette's eyes fluttered shut as her chest heaved and her muscles rode out the aftershocks of her pleasure. _

_Her young lover rested in place for a moment before tracing a wet trail up Olivia's body with her mouth and claiming her lips in a fierce kiss. Liv returned the kiss with every ounce of passion in her, worshipping the mouth latched on to her own and drinking in the heady mixture of her own essence with the unique taste of her partner. Using her strength and skills from years on the job, the detective flipped them over until she was hovering above the blonde goddess who shared the bed. Gazing down into a face she knew so well, hips fitting naturally into the space the younger woman left between her thighs, Liv was surprised to find herself staring once again at Alex, not Sam who had been there mere moments before. Instinct told her to pull away, to retreat but her body betrayed her, rocking her hips into Alex's core and grinding their mounds together sensually._

"_So good…you feel, so good," Alex whimpered huskily, throwing her head back and exposing the tantalising column of her throat in silent invitation. As though on auto-pilot, Olivia felt herself bending, trailing her lips over that smooth expanse, kissing, licking and nipping in response to the encouraging sounds the attorney was making. Her hands wandered freely over the smooth plains of the blonde's naked body, caressing sensitive flesh and stoking the flames of the young woman's desire. She thrust her hips rhythmically, her own body reacting in tandem as Alex's rose to meet her. Strong fingers dug into the muscles of Olivia's back. A leg hooked itself around the back of her thigh, pulling her in closer, increasing the contact and friction from their movements. Their lips met in a heated exchange, tongues duelling and battling for supremacy. Alex tore her head away only to cry out as wave after wave swept over her, body undulating with the force of her climax. The sight and sound, together with the unintentional increase in stimulation to her own core sent Liv tumbling over the precipice after the attorney. Slumping to the bed beside the astute blonde, tears stung Olivia's eyes as feelings of euphoria warred with a deep sense of betrayal._

Olivia woke with a start, sitting bolt upright in bed, heart pounding wildly. Her skin shone with a thin sheen of sweat but the discovery of a dampness of a different kind in her loins did nothing to soothe her mind. The visions from her dream were still vivid in her head, her body reacting viscerally to her recollections of both Alex's and Sam's lovemaking. A glance downwards let her know that it was not only her groin which was affected by the thoughts of sexual activity with the two blondes as her nipples were clearly visible through the plain white cotton vest she wore. Knowing that it was pointless trying to get any more sleep for the moment, she threw the covers back and slid her feet to the cool ground. Pausing for a moment until a brief spell of light-headedness passed, the brunette padded out of the bedroom towards the guest bathroom. A noise from her left had her spinning in the direction of Alex's room, instantly fearful for the attorney's safety. Ignoring her own discomfort, the detective stepped forward on silent, stealthy feet, bracing herself with hand on the door handle before depressing it as far as it would go and cracking it open slightly as quietly as possible. She peered inside, looking for signs of an intruder assaulting her closest friend, ready to fight them off with her bare hands if necessary, but found only the woman herself within.

Alex lay in the centre of her luxurious, large bed, face down, head buried in the shallow hollow between her pillows but it was the motion further down the bed which caught and held Olivia's attention. The younger woman's hips were clearly, visibly moving in a regular rocking motion and though muffled by the pillow, the sounds escaping her lips were unmistakably those of pleasure, leaving Liv in no doubt as to the nature of Alex's dream. Despite knowing in her rational mind that it was wrong to watch her friend in such an intimate moment without her knowledge or permission, she couldn't help but be reassured that she wasn't the only one affected by the growing tension between them. Even as she thought that, she was wracked with guilt; for assuming that she was the one Alex was dreaming of but also for betraying Samia's memory by wanting another woman sexually so soon after her death. Alex squeaked a high pitch squeal as her body stiffened and convulsed with an obvious orgasm. The sound was so unlike her usual alto tone that Liv had to stifle her own surprised bark of laughter even as her lizard brain craved hearing that same sound again and again, preferably as a result of her actions rather than Alex's own. The dampness between her legs reasserted itself as the younger woman's body relaxed beneath the blankets, surprising Olivia when the coiled tension in her core seemed to tighten further. She needed to move. She needed to leave. She needed to touch herself and bring herself some kind of satisfaction before she was discovered, standing in her closest friend's doorway, panties soaked, skin flushed and nipples straining with obvious arousal. Rationally her mind was cognizant of all these thoughts but it seemed lax at processing the necessary motor and sensory commands to make movement happen. The feel of fingers cupping her centre through the soft fabric of her pyjama pants elicited a tiny gasp of surprise, not having realised her hand had shifted. Her hips pressed forward, deepening the contact as her other hand gripped the door frame tightly to help steady her on her feet. A quiet moan from the woman in the bed before her drew Olivia back to some semblance of control and she deftly shut the door as silently as she could manage before dashing into the guest bathroom. She stood in front of the mirrored cabinet over the sink, gazing into her troubled expression as her mind raced with conflicting thoughts and desires. Her pupils were large, masking the brown irises and betraying the level of her arousal. Her skin was tinged with a rosy hue too and although the circumstances were less than ideal, she couldn't help but consider how…healthy she looked. She brought her hands up to her face, tracing the soft lines of her jaw and cheekbones, prominent, proud but not overly so to suggest gauntness in her features. The weight she had lost so dramatically since Sam's death was slowly, gradually being replaced thanks to Alex's tender care and concern and Gina's insistence on feeding her sumptuous homemade meals. Her fingers moved to her shoulder length hair, twisting it up and away from her face as she considered whether she should cut it short again as she had worn is for many years earlier in her career. Deciding that she was now really too old to get away with wearing such a severe style as she had sported previously, she toyed with thoughts of getting it trimmed to a shorter, chin length bob, layered and textured to give it some lift and interest.

Continuing her appraisal of herself, Liv allowed her hands to trail down her neck and chest, cupping her breasts, testing their weight, pleased to find them still reasonably firm considering that she wasn't getting any younger. Her touch moved from being exploratory to enticing, fingers teasing her nipples to prominence, twisting and pinching them. One hand wandered further south, over the flat, toned plains of her torso, feeling the benefits of her regular runs and workouts in the precinct gym. Her injuries were almost fully healed, the nodules of scar tissue diminishing thanks to the regime she had been given and was following religiously. Sliding beneath the elastic waistband of her sleep pants, Liv allowed her fingers to dip beneath her panty-line, teasing the short, groomed patch of coarse hair covering her mound. Her arousal was seeping from her core, the heat radiating outwards and drawing her ever closer to touching where she craved contact most. A quiet moan ripped from her throat as her deft digits brushed over her hooded clit, hips automatically canting forwards to increase the contact. Done with teasing herself, she began rubbing in a frantic circular motion, over and around the sensitive nub. Images from both her dream and from witnessing Alex's own self-pleasuring flooded her mind, further heightening her frenzied desire. Her breath came in short gasps, grunts and moans being emitted with little care for whose ears might be listening. Liv gripped tightly onto the sink, locking her elbow and keeping her muscles rigid in an effort to remain on her feet as the first fluttering of orgasm swept through her. Her ears rang with the twin sounds of Alex and Sam climaxing as she came hard, knees buckling and sending her tumbling to the floor where she lay panting breathlessly. Dimly, she realised that it was the first time she had touched herself since Sam's death – the first time she had felt sufficiently aroused to have any interest in masturbating. The teacher's final words to her in the dream which had triggered her nocturnal wandering floated back into her mind, repeating over and over.

"_Let go…let go… Let go…for me._"

Liv curled up into a ball, fighting back fresh tears as a tumult raged in her brain, swinging between myriad emotions: Outrage at herself not just for thinking about another woman whilst touching herself but for spying on Alex at her most intimate - asleep, aroused and acting on pure instinct alone; relief at having rediscovered some sort of sexual appetite, a sure sign in her mind that she could recover from this tragedy; a crushing wave of guilt for being happy at the thought of getting over losing Sam; excitement at the possibility of a future with Alex even as she felt Sam's loss every bit as keenly as the day the bomb had exploded.

Alex warred with herself, torn between doing the sensible thing, walking away from the guest bathroom without Olivia ever knowing she had been there, and making sure her friend was alright. She had been standing outside the closed door long enough to understand that whatever pleasure Liv had sought had subsequently unleashed a new wave of despair also. The friend in her wanted nothing more than to comfort the brunette, to help ease her pain by offering to shoulder the burden but the part of her that could no longer deny the intensity of their mutual attraction worried she would be overcome with lust, not least as a result of hearing the pinnacle of Liv's climax. Steeling herself and forcibly tamping down her desire, Alex opened the door and slipped into the bathroom, almost tripping over the prone woman bundled up on the floor, muttering to herself and rocking back and forth in the foetal position.

"Liv? Honey, are you ok?" Alex gasped, dropping to her knees and ignoring the sting as they hit the solid cool tiles.

The older woman recoiled as she heard her friend's voice, fearful of what actions she might inadvertently initiate in her current state.

"It's ok, I'm not going to hurt you," Alex cooed reassuringly, making sure to give the brunette space and not risk adding to her distress by crowding her.

Liv let out a whimper before clamping her lips tightly together and grasping at the fine hair either side of her head in two clenched fists. Still, Sam's phrase whirred round and round in her mind, almost taunting her.

"_Let go… let go…let go… let go… let go, for me._"

"Why… why do I feel like this? How can I feel what I feel and still love her so much?" Liv asked brokenly at length, watery gaze finally rising to meet Alex's concerned eyes.

"Because you have a big heart, capable of feeling many wonderful and scary things," Alex attempted to explain, hoping to convince Olivia it wasn't wrong to feel the way she did, not a single aspect of it. "You asked me to help you choose to live, do you remember? On Valentine's Day? This wasn't quite what I anticipated when I agreed to that but I can't say I don't like it. The timing is awful, the waiting is… frustrating," Alex ground out on a sigh but continued before the detective could interrupt, "but you are worth waiting for even if it takes an eternity for you to be ready for love again. And if this is all we can ever have, if this is all that will ever be between us, I'll still take it over not having you in my life at all."

"She told me to let go…in my dream… She told me to let go, for her. I… I can feel her slipping away from me and as much as that scares me, as much as it feels like I'm losing her all over again, it's like part of me knows it's time, that I can't stay in this state of limbo forever. Does that make any kind of sense?" Liv sat up, hugging her knees to her chest and leaning back against the side of the shower cubicle, leaving space for Alex to sit alongside her should she choose to.

The blonde opted to shuffle forward slightly on her knees instead, remaining in front of her friend so she could look her in the eye as she spoke. "It makes perfect sense, Liv," she assured her warmly. "And I think a large part of you feeling like this may be related to both your decision to search for a new apartment and probably, on a subconscious level, your next interview with the departmental psychologist to see if they'll sign you off to get back out into the field. You are choosing to live, Olivia. You're realising you have the rest of your life ahead of you and that your past, everything you had with Sam will be carried forward into that future because it lies in here," Alex stated placing her hand gently over the brunette's steadily beating heart.

Olivia clasped her own hand over Alex's keeping it where it was placed against the naked skin of her chest in the scooped neckline of her vest. "That's where you lie too," she admitted softly, bringing her other palm up to caress the smooth skin of Alex's cheek. "I wish we could lie together tonight, that I could just hold you in my arms while I sleep…but I don't trust myself to do that." Alex felt the pulse pick up beneath their conjoined hands. "You were in my dream tonight too. We were…intimate with one another," Liv admitted shyly, colour racing across her cheeks and flushing into the visible areas of her neck and chest. "I can't lie beside you in bed with those images still so vivid in my mind. I'm sorry Alex." Liv dropped both her hands to her sides listlessly, eyes averted and shame written across her beautiful face.

The attorney reached out then, cupping Olivia's face in both hands and forcing her to turn back towards her. "Liv, look at me, please." Alex waited for the older woman to comply, holding her gaze steadily as she confessed, "I dreamed about you too. I have those very same fears right now and as much as my body craves you, my heart and mind want whatever we have to stand the best chance of not just surviving but thriving. I fully understand that, for now at least, it's best we don't share a bed. But whilst we can't sleep in the same bed, I am fairly certain I can control myself enough to hold you for a while until you fall asleep if ever you want or need me to, ok? It doesn't mean you have to be alone. It doesn't mean I won't still be tactile with you. It just means that until I can control my lust for you, we don't wake up together but the upside is, no more awkward mornings with one of us subconsciously doing something that neither of us is ready for." Alex hauled herself to her feet, holding one arm outstretched in invitation for Olivia to join her. "Come on, it's late, you've a big day tomorrow – well technically today. Let's try to get some sleep."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 6<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**09.39**_

_**Midtown South Precinct, West 35**__**th**__** Street**_

"Morning detectives, what do you have for me?" Alex strode into the bullpen having been summoned by the two men leading the investigation into Samia's murder.

"Morning Ms Cabot," Detective Sykes greeted cordially, rising from his desk to meet her. Casually, Alex noticed that he was still wearing the same shirt he had been wearing the previous evening, though it was decidedly more wrinkled than it had been the last time she had been there. "Let's take this through here, shall we?" He motioned towards a side room, not dissimilar to the ones SVU used for interviewing victims and witnesses. As they stepped over the threshold, Alex's eyes were drawn to a display of photographs, sketches, scribbled notes and assorted other documents lining the entire length of one wall.

"What is all this?" she asked, concern causing her heart rate to increase a little. Stepping closer, she examined the items in greater detail, taking in the photographs of Samia at various locations, sometimes alone, other times with Olivia. There were photos of just Olivia as well, during her working day judging by the prominence of her gun, in the park during her morning run, coming out of coffee shops and bodegas. A smaller group of pictures caught her eye, of lunches and dinners she herself had shared with the detective during their time rekindling their friendship before Sam's death. There were also photographs of a woman Alex was not familiar with, captured in various locations and occasions, including some with another unidentified woman who appeared to be her lover given their body language.

"These were all found when we searched Jackson's place. The entire bedroom was wallpapered with this stuff and more of the same but we couldn't fit it all in here to recreate the entire montage. CSU have photos of everything in situ though in case you want the full experience. The rest is in those evidence boxes on the table. Morientes and I spent most of the night going through it, weeding out duplications and irrelevant ramblings to put together an outline of his obsession with Ms Camanetti and latterly Detective Benson." Sykes stepped up beside the attorney, motioning to the far left hand side of the unsettling display. "These seem to be the earliest photos and observation notes Jackson took, dating back a couple of years. From what we can decipher, he found out that Ms Camanetti was a lesbian around the same time his wife left him…for another woman." Sykes indicated the two women Alex hadn't recognised in the pictures. "Around that same period, perhaps slightly predating it and possibly a contributory factor to his marriage breakdown, Jackson's recreational drug use became more habitual. There's a pattern of decline in his mental state that's clearly illustrated in the copious notes he kept on Ms Camanetti's whereabouts, her activities, the people she met, her supposed underachievement and poor performance at school. As his cocaine use increased, so did his paranoia and his bloodlust. To begin with, he clearly differentiates between his wife and Ms Camanetti but as time goes on, they appear to merge in his mind until Ms Camanetti becomes his sole focus, to focal point of his rage, his feelings of inadequacy and betrayal."

"How the Hell did no one spot his addiction at school? This man has been in charge of vulnerable kids for over a year with a spiralling drug problem and not one person noticed it? Are they all blind?" Alex asked incredulously, struggling to comprehend that level of ignorance.

"From his colleagues' statements, Jackson rarely involved himself in the day to day school business, preferring to defer to his deputy who handled the majority of infractions. Notably, most did acknowledge that he made exceptions for Ms Camanetti, that she was the only teacher he insisted on dealing with personally. The majority assumed that they were having an affair and so by default kept their distance from her also, not wanting anything they said to be filtered back to the boss which could be detrimental to their careers. Jackson routinely shut himself in his office, announcing that he was not to be disturbed – with Samia Camanetti being the only exception – and it appears that no one knows, nor ever asked what he did behind that door. Fortunately for us, he was spending his working hours keeping excessive notes on a laptop which was in a cabinet in his office. It took the techs all of five minutes to get into – whatever else he may be, security minded Mr Jackson is not. Morientes gave up reading the files around six this morning, he's catching a couple of hours in the crib and then getting back to it but so far, we have this: Jackson began stalking Miss Camanetti long before O'Keefe made himself known to him, following her home, watching her apartment building, tracking her movements, keeping detailed records of her daily routines including descriptions of people she met or talked to. Names were added as footnotes wherever he's learned them and then referred to by initial in the main text if she continued to interact with them. At first, he seems convinced that Ms Camanetti is the woman for whom his wife left him – possibly because she is the only other lesbian he is aware of knowing at that point. As the notes progress though, he blurs the line between his wife and Ms Camanetti, referring to them both more often as a 'traitorous dyke' than by name. By approximately six months after his wife left, it's clear that in Jackson's mind by this stage, his wife and Ms Camanetti are one and the same person. To him, it is Ms Camanetti who has rejected him, his love and devotion, in favour of 'lying with filthy lesbians'. Whether he actually ever attempted to pursue a romantic liaison with Ms Camanetti, I doubt we'll ever know for certain but it is possible and that is what prompted the two to merge into the same person in his mind." Sykes paused for breath, directing Alex's attention to the next section of printouts, photographs and handwritten scrawl which were adorning the wall. "These mark the beginning of Jackson's awareness of Detective Benson being someone of importance in Ms Camanetti's life. He characterizes Detective Benson as a home-wrecker, a shameless whore who thinks nothing of breaking up families and stealing men's wives which would again support him believing that Ms Camanetti and his wife are one and the same person. He talks of his desire to make them _both_ pay, to teach them _both_ a lesson." The detective emphasized that Jackson was becoming fixated not just with Samia but with Olivia as well by that point.

"Where does O'Keefe begin to appear? I presume he does refer to him as well in all this? Although it is beginning to look like we have more than enough corroborating evidence to pursue Jackson alone for orchestrating Samia's murder. But he had to get the equipment to make the bomb from somewhere, from some_one_. Have we got this completely wrong? Is Jackson the driving force behind this who saw an opportunity when Edward O'Keefe was murdered and Kieran wanted revenge? Did he take advantage of another man's grief to manipulate him into providing him with the means to make Olivia and Sam pay for slights to his manhood that they hadn't even committed?" Alex asked, feeling the beginnings of a headache setting in. The more they investigated, the more questions were raised. "Any joy tracking the wife?" she enquired as an afterthought, knowing they had encountered some difficulties locating her.

"Not so far no, there are no records of her accessing her bank account since six weeks after she left Jackson but the account was almost completely emptied – the money withdrawn in cash over the six weeks in the maximum lump sums that the bank allowed. Mrs Jackson left no forwarding address and her last known employer informed us that she resigned from her job giving just a week's notice. She doesn't seem to have had many friends to speak of and those she did have claim not to know of her current whereabouts. It seems she disappeared into the ether, bring anything to mind?" Sykes queried somewhat cynically.

"If she hadn't intended on disappearing she wouldn't have emptied her account and doing it by cash rather than transfer suggests she was determined not to be found. I presume you've checked her social security record?"

Sykes nodded, "no activity there either. Think she bought herself a new identity somewhere to stop her husband from tracking her down? Seems she went to extreme lengths to make sure she was, at the very least, difficult to find which suggests either he was intimidating her or she had reason to believe he would try to exact some form of revenge for her leaving him."

"Any people who knew them as a married couple? Anyone willing to fill in the blanks that Mrs Jackson can't?" Alex questioned, perching on a vacant corner of the table in the centre of the room.

"That's our next line of enquiry today, try to get to the bottom of what went on in that marriage to drive Mrs Jackson from it into the arms of another woman. I'm going to do a sweep of Jane Doe's from around the time she disappeared, just so we're covering ourselves. Hate to be looking for her only to find she's been lying in a morgue somewhere, unclaimed," Sykes assured the ADA, flicking through more notes from the haul they'd found at the locations they had searched as a result of the warrants Alex had secured.

"How much of this is computerised? I think I need to look over it properly to get my head around it otherwise I can see reasonable doubt that you can drive a truck through and so would any judge or jury." With a heavy sigh, Alex muttered, "what a clusterf…"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 6<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**12.46**_

_**Manhattan Special Victims' Unit**_

"Here she is. How did you get on, Liv? What's the verdict?" Fin asked, pouncing on their sole female colleague as soon as she set foot inside the squad room.

"You're stuck with me I'm afraid. Got the all clear to go back to active duty. Which means, Munch," Liv stated gleefully, picking up a pile of paperwork which had mysteriously made its way onto her desk in her absence, "these are yours and you'll be doing them yourself." She smiled sweetly as she dropped the stack onto the sergeant's untidy work station.

"Benson, my office," Captain Cragen barked, standing by his door to make sure his command had been heard and was being obeyed. Sheepishly, wondering what she could possibly have done, Liv made her way towards him.

"Cap'n?" she intoned questioningly, remaining standing in front of his desk, a wary expression on her face.

"Were you wholly truthful in your session with Dr Sharp?" he enquired, referring to the departmental psychologist she had had to see, his gaze never wavering.

"I was, sir, completely and totally truthful," the brunette assured, swallowing thickly as she feared her Captain would still find a way to keep her benched.

"And your physician too? You're not going to rupture anything the first time you tackle a perp?"

"No Captain, physically I'm in good shape. I wouldn't lie, I understand what's at stake and while it may have been frustrating to be on desk duty, I recognise that I'm in a much better position now to return to full and active duty than I would have been when I first came back to the precinct." Olivia shuffled nervously under the weight of her superior's assessing stare.

"And you're entirely certain that you are ready, physically and psychologically, to get back out in the field? That you can perform your duties to the same high standard you've previously set for yourself?"

"I am," she confirmed confidently, having talked through various scenarios with Dr Sharp earlier in the day without any kind of adverse reaction. She realised that reality would undoubtedly be somewhat different and that no one could know for certain how she would respond until placed in any given situation but she was as sure as she would ever be that it was time for her to get back to normal.

"Ok then. Hands out, palms up," Captain Cragen ordered, watching carefully for any telltale signs of stress, satisfied when her outstretched limbs were almost completely stationary. "I believe you'll be needing these back," he stated, handing over her gun and her badge.

She stared at the items for long moments, testing their weight in her hands as though it was the first time she'd handled either of them. She was filled with an oddly disparate mixture of emotions; exhilaration at the thought of getting back to what she did best; anxiety at her ability to still connect with the victims with the knowledge of what it had cost her so prevalent in her mind; resentment that despite what she had gone through and the long road she was traversing back to full physical and mental health, nothing had changed in the wider world with perps still raping and molesting innocent victims; anticipation at the thought of telling Alex she had been given a clean bill of health, hoping that the attorney would honour her by joining her and the guys for a drink after shift.

"Still certain you're ready?" Cragen asked quietly, sensing the conflict within the woman he viewed as a surrogate daughter.

Liv cleared her throat, pulled herself up to her fullest height, slipped her holster back onto her belt where it belonged and clipped her badge into place before responding with a firm, definite, "yes."

Rounding his desk to stand in front of his detective, the captain pulled her into a fleeting but fierce embrace. "Welcome back Detective. I expect you to come to me if you have any problems at all, including that partner of yours. He gives you any trouble whatsoever and I want to hear about it, are we clear?"

"Yes Captain," the brunette responded deferentially, even though she knew it was highly unlikely she would report Elliot unless his behaviour was completely indefensible. With a final nod, she turned to leave but was halted in her tracks by the captain's voice.

"And Olivia?" She turned to meet his gaze. "I'll only tell you this once so listen carefully. You are not to try to insinuate yourself into the investigation into Sam's death in any way, no matter what you might learn about who is suspected to be involved. If you do, I'll take have you demoted to a traffic detail so fast your head'll still be spinning after a week. Do I make myself clear?"

"Crystal, sir," Liv acknowledged before stalking out of the office, a little peeved that he would think she might do anything to jeopardise securing a conviction against the person or persons who attacked Sam.

"So you're back? Like, completely back, back?" Elliot asked a little cautiously, not sure if the meeting with Cragen had been all that good judging by his partner's glowering expression.

"I am," she barked before catching herself. With a sigh, she let go of the tension she was harbouring realising that the Captain had probably been ordered to make it plain to her what was at stake should she become a loose cannon. "I am," she murmured more softly, "so who's up for a drink tonight after we get off?"

"Count me in, definitely," Elliot confirmed immediately, already picking up his phone to let Kathy know he'd be later home than originally intended. "I'll even buy you a drink!"

"If Stabler's buying, there's no way I'd miss it. I hear the moths in his wallet have been practicing their formation flying for just this moment," Munch quipped sardonically, earning him a withering glare from the brawny detective and an earnest chuckle from Olivia.

"I'll be there too, girl. Not a thing would make me miss toasting your full return to the team, ain't been the same without you busting perps balls," Fin offered, showing his support and solidarity in his own inimitable way. "You gonna invite Cabot along too? Think she'd want to celebrate with you."

"Yeah, I'm going to give her a call now and see if she's free to join us," Liv agreed, suddenly desperate to share her news with her dear friend.

"You've not taken a lunch break, we're cooling our heels waiting for information and results to come back on the Markson case, why not head over to her office and tell her face to face?" Fin suggested figuring that way Alex could congratulate Liv in the way only women could, with all the squealing and the hugging and the clasping of hands without the rest of their ear drums having to suffer it later. With a grateful smile and a spring in her step, Olivia fled the bullpen to do just that.


	46. Chapter 46

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**A little reassurance after my last author's note: wherever Muse & Evil Brain are heading, it will be in complete keeping with the rest of this story, I'm not about to veer off into 'Torturotica' - partly because it's just not my thing but mostly because I believe it has no place in this story. The potential darkness ahead is purely case related and Muse and I may have come to some sort of compromise regarding my own initial panic about what she was wanting me to write. I say potential because it is the second time she has presented me with an interesting and valid plot development for somewhere towards the end of this tale, the first has already been discarded so there's no guarantee that *this* one will actually make it to the final cut either. If it does, well, expect drama, lots and lots of drama! Lol. (And I was joking...I think...with the 100 chapters thing! Fair few to go, not sure we'll top the ton but who knows!) :)**_

_**So anyway, thanks as always to all of you who are reading, special thanks to those who have taken the time to let me know their thoughts on the chapters and a big hi, thanks, welcome and wow to Ensanguine for reading all 45 chapters in a day! Awesome to have you on board and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story. :) Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Friday March 6<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**13.29**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

Olivia smiled at Alex's secretary as she approached the closed door of her friend's office. "Hi Mandy," she greeted warmly.

"Good afternoon Detective. I'm afraid Miss Cabot has been asked not to be disturbed this afternoon under any circumstances," the young woman replied, casting a furtive glance in the direction of her boss's office door as though she would incur the fearsome wrath of the Ice Queen just for allowing someone within knocking range.

"I'm sure she'll make an exception for me, especially since I brought her lunch," Liv persisted, stepping towards her friend's domain.

"I'm sorry Detective, but I can't let you go in there. Miss Cabot was very precise in her request that no one, without exception, was to be granted access to her this afternoon." Mandy rounded her desk and positioned herself between Olivia and the door, a rhetorical point-making gesture since they both knew Liv could swat her aside in an instant if she chose to.

With an irritated huff, the brunette slipped the deli bag onto the slender secretary's desk and pulled her phone from her pocket, scrolling through her contact list until she reached Alex's cell phone number and punching the call button. She listened to the device ringing just a room away.

"_Cabot_," came the snipped greeting as the call was answered.

"Hey Alex, it's only me. I've brought you lunch, can I disturb you for half an hour?" Liv asked, her tone softening and growing subconsciously more intimate.

"_Ummm,_" The detective heard papers rustling through the phone line. "_Could you give me ten minutes? Where are you?_"

With a growing smirk, wondering what precisely the younger woman was up to that she was so fiercely guarding her privacy, Liv replied, "I'm stood on the other side of your door. Your secretary won't let me in because you've put the fear of God into her that you'll turn her to stone or something if she let's anyone within ten feet of your office."

"_Oh…uh…right, ok… ummm… give me two minutes then and I'll let you in. Just… take a seat or something and I'll be out… yeah two minutes,_" Alex stammered, sounding flustered. The sound of more papers being shifted filtered through the tiny handset clamped to Liv's ear, increasing her curiosity.

"If it's not a convenient time, I can just leave your sandwich out here for you to grab when you have chance. Although the way Mandy's mouth's watering, it might not last long left unattended!" Liv quipped jovially despite an instantaneous flash of hurt at Alex's perceived reluctance to take even the briefest of breaks to have lunch with her friend.

"_No…no, it's fine, really. I've just had a busy morning and needed some quiet time to catch up on paperwork,_" Alex lied smoothly, grateful Liv couldn't see her face which was bunched up in a silent cringe.

The door to Alex's inner sanctum swung open no more than 60 seconds later, revealing a desk strewn with papers and weighty tomes crammed with page markers.

"Come on in, Olivia," the attorney invited, flashing a grateful smile at her secretary for protecting her so fiercely. Closing the door behind them, Alex took a moment to study the older woman, sensing a difference in her. "You look…happy," she noted curiously, mouth quirking upwards in the beginnings of a warm smile.

"I…yeah I am. I really am," Liv agreed sounding as though the revelation had taken her by surprise.

For a brief moment, the blonde was going to ask what had precipitated the upturn in her friend's mood but then realisation struck. "Oh my…this morning, your appointments! How did you get on? Are you…well I presume you're back in the field," she rambled eyes glancing towards the detective's hip where, sure enough, there was her service weapon nestling in its holster. "I'm sorry, I should have called you but I got a little…caught up in a case." Without waiting for confirmation, Alex stepped forward and swept the older woman up into a tight, congratulatory embrace, feeling her own disposition brightening in response to the positive outcome.

"I was going to call you but I figured, what the heck, it's past lunch time and I hadn't managed to eat anything yet today so I thought I'd take a chance and come see you in person instead. I brought food, in case I needed a bribe to buy some time here," Liv murmured with a quiet chuckle, indicating that she hadn't really envisaged having such a hard time getting to spend a few moments with Alex. "I felt like I was asking for an audience with the President!" She dropped a gentle kiss against the blonde's temple as she withdrew from the hug they were still resting in. Alex's stomach grumbled loudly in protest at her own lack of consumption of anything edible that day.

"You are a star," she sighed dreamily, even going so far as to mock swoon against the edge of her desk. "Now quit talking and show me the goods," she quipped.

"Wow, that's forward, Ms Cabot. You haven't even taken me on a first date yet and you're already demanding to see my 'goods'," Olivia protested indignantly, the twinkle in her eye belying her stern tone. She watched with gleeful satisfaction as a light blush began a steady march up Alex's neck, covering her alabaster cheeks with a rosy glow.

"Why do I always walk into these things where you're concerned?" the attorney groaned, burying her face in her hands to hide her embarrassment. Olivia released a peel of genuine laughter, patting the younger woman lightly on the shoulder before retreating to the couch in the corner to allow Alex a moment to recover.

The blonde joined her friend as Liv was pulling out the last of the delectable wares from the paper bag she had brought in with her. "So when do you get back to normal with work? Is this your weekend for catching?"

"Not this weekend no, I think I'm slated for the weekend after next. I had originally swapped with Elliot since I was meant to be going away with Sam that weekend to your place in the Hamptons but we swapped back when I cancelled my vacation time. No point going up there alone and with all the time out I've had recently, I don't feel like I could, in good conscience, leave the guys to it for another week. So we swapped back again which means El is catching tomorrow and Sunday, I'm up next weekend. If you have plans though, I can always stay with Gina and Fausto for a couple of days, I'm sure or, you know, try back at the apartment."

"No, that's not why I asked you at all. I knew you weren't going to the beach house any longer. I just wondered when the sort of …routine we've developed is likely to change. I just…I've got used to the company, you know, at meal times." Alex sighed, struggling to express what she meant. "It'll be good practice for when you find a new apartment though…and move out."

"You won't be lonely, Alex. I might not be able to promise you much right now but I can promise that I'll still be haunting your apartment and dragging you round to mine, probably so often that you'll be begging for a break from me!" Liv assured the younger woman lightly.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to come across as clingy. I've just…grown accustomed to sharing my apartment with you after being on my own for so long. It'll take some adjusting to not having you there all the time. I do understand that you need your own place…your own space…and I will get used to it again. You might just have to bear with me…and occasionally slap me down if I become too whiny," the attorney stated sheepishly.

"'Lex, seriously, stop beating yourself up. It's actually nice to know you're not chomping at the bit for me to get out of your space. And I'll miss seeing you so much too, just…you know…so you don't think you're the only one feeling that way. If it wasn't so soon and I wasn't so sure I'm on the brink of doing something that might jeopardise a future for us…well I wouldn't be overly keen to leave," Liv explained. "Now, which would you prefer; tuna on rye or the chicken Caesar salad?" she asked, picking up her coffee and taking a tentative sip.

"Do you mind if I take the salad? I'm hungry but I don't think my stomach can handle bread right now." Alex absent-mindedly rubbed a hand over her abdomen, attempting to soothe the queasiness and vague discomfort she was becoming more and more aware of. Liv's hand closed over the wandering limb, adding her own caress.

"Are you sick?" she asked worriedly, shifting closer to her friend.

"No, I don't think so. Probably just that time of the month about to descend. With all that's gone on, I'm a little later than usual," Alex replied dismissively, leaning forward and snagging the salad bowl from the coffee table in front of them, suddenly aware that Liv hadn't removed her hand when Alex herself did and that that same hand was now trapped between her lower torso and her thighs. "Sorry," she mumbled, leaning back to allow Liv to extricate her limb, surprised when she simply resumed a gentle, circular massage.

"Want me to get you anything for the cramps? Some pain relief or anything?" the detective asked in an intimate tone.

"It's fine…I'm fine, Liv really but thank you," Alex murmured, gaze locking with the tender-hearted woman seated beside her and offering her a small, sincere smile. Tearing her attention away with some difficulty, the attorney attacked her salad with gusto. Liv retrieved her hand, with obvious reluctance, and reached for her sandwich.

"So, do you think you'll be finishing anywhere near on time this evening? Only, I've asked the guys to join me for a celebratory drink after work and I was wondering…well no I was hoping really…that you might come out with us too," Olivia stuttered, shyly as she tore off a bite-sized chunk of her own lunch and popped it into her mouth.

"I'd love to, really I would…" Alex cast a troubled glance over towards the mountain of work on her desk, knowing that she really ought to stay for a few extra hours to try and get her head around Jackson's journal entries. But Liv had been through so much and was finally beginning to seem like she was making steady progress and Alex didn't want it to seem like she didn't recognise that by refusing to join in her celebrations.

"…but you have to work late," Liv finished for her, trying hard to keep any trace of disappointment out of her tone. She might have got away with it had Alex not flicked her gaze back towards her. While her tone was carefully neutral, the regret was clearly visible in her milk chocolate eyes.

"I should…but I'd much rather come for a drink with you." Alex paused, considering what to do for the best. She needed to plough through the copious notes Jackson had made and could hardly take them home to work on over the weekend – that would be highly improper and potentially harmful both to any case they could build against the principal and to Liv herself. "Do you think it's a good idea anyway, us being together around the guys right now? With this…chemistry getting harder to hide between us?"

"They're our friends, Alex. Even if they do suspect something's up, they're unlikely to say anything – they didn't the entire time I was pining for you before you had to go away, even though Munch and Fin have since told me that they could tell I was into you. As for Elliot, he sees what he wants to see and I think he's dealing with me preferring female lovers by actively _not_ thinking about it." Liv angled her body slightly more towards her friend. "Al, if you can't come out tonight because you're snowed under with work, I understand that and am absolutely fine with it. Sure, I'd love you to be there but there'll be other evenings, other occasions. But please, don't stay away purely because you're worried about what the squad will think. They have to see us together sometime, unless you plan on leaving SVU again," the detective hypothesized, cocking her head on one side and fixing Alex with a worried frown.

"I'm not planning on going anywhere." Seeing there was still a lingering amount of scepticism in the brunette's demeanour, Alex hastened to insist, "honestly, I'm not. And you're right… of course you are… It's just the squad, right? Fin, Munch, Don and Elliot?" Liv nodded, a cautious glimmer of hope reigniting within her. "Oh what the heck, I could use a drink! What time are you meeting? And where?"

"I figured we'd head over straight after shift ends at six. I was planning on hitting O'Malley's, we all like it in there." Liv shrugged a shoulder, knowing it was cliché for them to gravitate towards a notorious cop bar.

A brief flash of panic gripped Alex as she considered the venue her friend had chosen. In all the years she had been back in New York, the attorney had purposely avoided returning to the bar outside which she had been shot. While working as Bureau Chief, it had been easy – the crowd there preferred their own brand of lawyer bars to the more rowdy, rambunctious police-affiliated places. Once she had returned to SVU, there had been few invitations at first for her to join the squad for drinks and when those were extended, Alex had always found ways to decline. The few times she had been persuaded to share a celebratory drink or to commiserate over a loss, it had been at Mulroney's or O'Brien's. Shaking off the chill snaking its way through her veins, the blonde acknowledged that she couldn't and probably shouldn't avoid the scene of her 'murder' indefinitely and hoped that the spirit of the evening would carry her through any lingering discomfort she might experience while there.

"Ok, I'll come for a while. I can't promise to be there at six with the rest of you but hopefully I'll be there before seven. I'll give you a call when I'm packing up here, make sure you're still there and haven't called it a night already or moved on somewhere," she agreed, swallowing down her fear in favour of supporting her closest friend.

Olivia had been watching her companion throughout her silent spell of deep thinking, watching any number of emotions cloud her expressive blue eyes but too fleetingly for her to pin them down, to be able to decipher what paths Alex's intimidating, intellectual brain was taking her down. Accepting that the younger woman would talk about anything troubling her in her own time, Liv thanked her for agreeing to come along to the impromptu celebration and sank back into the sofa to enjoy the remainder of her lunch.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 6<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**18.57**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

Alex glanced once again at the clock on her office wall, slumping back in her high-backed executive chair and casting her gaze over the paper-strewn desk before her. Her mind was in the grip of an unsettling tumult, images conjured by the increasingly unstable ramblings of Craig Jackson intermingling with those created by her own demons of her own body lying wounded and bleeding on a city sidewalk. Her body was joining in the torment also, the vague cramps she had been experiencing earlier in the day having taken hold and causing her to feel as though her entire innards were being squeezed in a vice-like grip and twisted violently. She reached for her phone, intending to fire off a quick, apologetic message to Olivia, knowing that she would understand – hopefully – that it was for physical and psychological reasons she was ducking out and not because of her earlier concerns regarding the possibility of the guys picking up on their newly acknowledged mutual attraction. Strangely, that seemed to be the least of her concerns now that the time was at hand, having been overshadowed somewhat by thoughts of returning to O'Malley's for the first time. That and the fact that she doubted she could feel any less sexually inclined than she did right then thanks to her mutinous body making her pay for her cycle getting thrown off. All she wanted was to curl up on her sofa with a hot water bottle, comfortable clothes, the throw from the back of the sofa wrapped around her and something trashy and mindless on the television.

Her phone vibrated in her hand, signalling an incoming message. Opening it up, she was surprised to see it was from a certain Texan brunette rather than the 'where are you' message she had expected from Olivia.

"_Hey Alex, how's it going on the case? Any further developments I need to know about? Might be free to fly back soon and give you a hand wading through the information, relevant case law etc. You ok? Call me if you need to. Ab x_"

Summoning all her strength of spirit and straightening her spine, Alex opted to phone Abbie back rather than have a conversation via text message which could not only be lengthy but was always open to misinterpretation too. You couldn't show inflections and vocal tonal changes in a text message which could explain the sentiment and true meaning behind words far better than simple characters on a screen.

"_Hi Alex, what's up?_" the US Attorney asked worriedly as soon as the call connected, mere moments after she had sent her message. Wondering if it was simply a spooky coincidence, she added, "_I just text you._"

"I know, that's what prompted me to call. I was going to text you back but…I could use someone to talk to, Abbie, if you're free for a few minutes? I can't be on long, I need to let Liv know if I can't make it to the bar for drinks with the squad." Alex picked up her pen from the blotter protecting the smooth, polished surface of her mahogany desk, resting its tip against the ever-present legal pad and allowing the body of the pen to rotate like a pendulum around the stationary nib.

"_If you're supposed to be with Liv and the guys and you're not, where are you? What's keeping you? I've got as long as you need Alex, I've just got home and I have no plans for tonight._" The sound of a door opening and closing rang through the line as Abbie poured herself a drink of juice from the refrigerator.

"I'm still at the office. I spent half the day going through Craig Jackson's journal entries but then the defence attorney in another case I'm about to take to trial showed up with a Motion to Suppress Evidence that he intends to present. If he wins, not only will it take a miracle for us to get a conviction but I'll have to make myself very unpopular with the squad as well when they have to put in a whole lot more man hours to try and find some more evidence to prove our suspect is guilty," Alex complained, glaring loathingly at the paper Trevor Langan had presented her with midway through the afternoon.

"_As bad as that sounds, just seems to me that you need that drink more, not less so why aren't you making tracks and at the bar with Liv and the guys already? Sounds like just what you need after that kind of day,_" Abbie questioned, sensing that there was more to it. Every lawyer had days like Alex was experiencing but it rarely caused them to actively avoid a chance to unwind with friends, especially on a Friday evening when there was little more which could be done to solve the crises until Monday of the following week.

"Liv got cleared for full active duty again this morning. From Monday, she's back to her normal shifts," the blonde informed Abbie, knowing it wouldn't answer her previous question and was in fact only likely to add further inquiries to her growing list.

"_Even more reason you should be out of there already then. You and Liv haven't had another disagreement have you? Alex, life's too short to be wasting it fighting…_" Abbie's rant was cut off in its prime by Alex's hasty assurances.

"No! No it's nothing like that. Liv and I… we're good… we're really good. It's just… the bar…where they're celebrating… It's O'Malley's. That's where we went the night I was shot. I haven't been back since."

"_Does Liv know? That you've not been back I mean. Obviously she knows you were shot, she was there._" Abbie sank into a comfortable chair, pulling her stocking-covered feet up and tucking them beneath her as she settled in, prepared for a long call.

"No…I didn't want…it's her celebration, it should be all about her. I don't want to…she said herself that she and the guys like it at O'Malley's, it's not fair that they should have to change venue just because I'm too chickenshit to go back to that place. Kick my ass for me, Abbie. Tell me I'm being pathetic and to get over myself and just go, be a good friend and have a drink with her, please?" There was an almost pleading tone to Alex's voice which Abbie hadn't heard before. It made her realise just how vulnerable the young woman was feeling…and how privileged she was that the blonde trusted her sufficiently to let it show.

"_OK. Cabot you're being a pussy. Suck it up, call Liv, tell her you're on your way now and ask her to send one of the guys to meet you outside so you won't have to walk in alone. And then talk to her about why when you get home tonight. Sure, it might take the shine off the evening for her for a little while but better that than she finds out later, from another source and is hurt at the fact you didn't tell her yourself when you had the chance._" Abbie paused and let out a sigh. "_Is that what you wanted to hear? Did it make a difference? Alex, you are allowed to not want to go back to the place you were shot and you can't really think that Liv will think any less of you for it. But she might be upset if you don't feel like you can tell her that that's why you don't want to meet them there for a drink. Put yourself in her shoes. How guilty would you feel if you inadvertently forced her to go back to somewhere that something so traumatic, so life-changing happened?_"

Alex was quiet, doing as Abbie asked and thinking about it from Olivia's point of view, heart sinking at the thought of how hard the older woman might take what she would see as her own thoughtlessness. "I need to talk to her," she admitted resignedly before thanking Abbie and promising to let her know that she was ok and got home safely.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 6<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.12**_

_**O'Malley's bar**_

Liv glanced for possibly the hundredth time at the door, half expecting to see her friend walk through it at any moment even though she had yet to hear from the younger woman to say she was finally leaving the office.

"Our company not good enough for you, Liv?" Elliot jested, jostling his partner with an elbow.

"It's Munch's running commentary on the state of bar snacks today. I don't blame Benson for eyeing the door and wanting to make her escape!" Fin intoned, accompanied by a withering glance at his own partner who in turn sported an outraged expression at the slight on him.

"You'll regret not paying more attention when your body is overrun with bacteria from those lovely bowls of toxic waste you're so busy devouring," Munch rejoined, taking a healthy swig of his beer. Olivia smiled at the good-natured teasing and banter which was flowing, feeling as though things were beginning to finally return to some semblance of normality. The pain of Sam's loss was still with her as she knew it would be for a long time, if not always, but it was less raw, less prohibitive to going on with her life. As her own mood improved and stabilised, she noticed her colleagues becoming less tentative, less wary around her too, returning to their usual boisterous humour and casual insults.

"You know what Cabot's like, she's probably still knee deep in law books or had a better offer to join some of her own colleagues at a fancy wine bar or something." Elliot attempted to pass off his remarks as a joke but the instant cloud settling over Olivia's features suggested it had fallen short of being funny.

"Don't be an ass. Alex has been a good friend to me, especially these last few weeks. She's working her butt off right now not just to keep on top of everything we throw at her but to help Abbie and the Feds nail whoever is responsible for Sam's murder too. So if she has to work late on a Friday night, it's because she is so dedicated to doing all that to the best of her ability and if she opted to go home instead of coming here that's fine, because I know how exhausted she is and how much she is giving of herself to try and be all things to all people. There is no way that she would just throw us over if someone else asked her out. Above all else, Alex is meticulously polite and once she has made plans, it takes something important for her to overturn them." As Olivia finished her rant, her cell phone rang. "Excuse me, I need to take this," she stated, still glaring at her partner. Her heart fluttered a little as Elliot's insinuation about Alex choosing some fancy lawyer bar over their celebration drinks infiltrated the less confident areas of her mind. Stepping out of the main bar area and into a slightly quieter, less crowded section, Liv answered her phone.

"_Hi Liv, are you still at the bar?_" Alex asked, giving nothing away as to her intentions. She gave a slight chuckle as she took in the background noise. "_No need to answer that, I can hear that you are. I'm just packing up for the night. Liv…I…I want to come and have a drink with you but…God this makes me sound pathetic._"

"Alex, honey, what's the matter?" Liv asked, instantly worried. "Are you in pain? Is it the cramps? It's not pathetic if you don't feel up to coming out, sweetheart. You've had a long day and…" Alex cut in before the detective could ramble any further, not wishing her menstrual cycle to be discussed in an open bar, even if she wasn't there to be mortified by it in person.

"_It's not that, well not just that… Yes, the cramps are a lot worse and I'd love nothing more than to just head home, throw on my pyjamas, eat chocolate and hug a hot water bottle but that's not why I'm reluctant to come. Liv…_" Alex growled slightly into the phone, frustrated with her own inarticulation. "_Liv, I haven't been back there, to that bar, since the night…since…_" Realisation slammed home to Olivia with breathtaking force.

"Oh my God. Alex, you were…this is where you were…outside on the sidewalk. Shit, I should have remembered that. I do remember that, now, unfortunately too late to prevent me being a completely insensitive ass. Listen, it's ok, you don't have to come here. I mean, it's not that great anyway. It's crowded, the beer's slightly warm tonight, the company's questionable. We could go somewhere else. How about Drogan's Bar? That's ok right? Or, you know, you don't _have_ to join us at all if you really don't feel like it with…well with everything you have going on right now; the case, the cramps, the fact that a woman supposed to be your friend invited you out for a drink to the bar you were shot and almost killed outside of." Liv's tone became more and more self-deprecating as she rambled on, turning on herself and berating herself for her casual neglect of Alex's feelings.

"_Stop it, please. Don't do that. Don't make this your fault. It's not. It's no one's fault who matters any more. I just don't know how I'll feel walking in there…but I want to. I want to do it. It's just a bar, it can't hurt me and the memories are always there regardless. Perhaps it will do me good, be cathartic or something but even if not, it won't ever be your fault. What I was hoping was that maybe one of you could…meet me outside and walk in with me? So I don't freak out and freeze or worse, run. I want to help you celebrate getting over your injuries, getting a clean bill of health and getting back out there, in the field where you can do the most good – not just for the victims but for yourself too. You've achieved so much and done so well, the least I can do is get over this irrational, stupid fear I have. It's been too long that I've let the shooting control me. I need to take a leaf out of your book and take back control of my life. So what do you say? Will you help me?_" Alex asked, the last question spoken timidly as though in real expectation her friend would shoot her down and refuse.

Olivia's heart melted at the earnest statement which had gone from fierce and determined to meek and uncertain in a single breath. She had thought that she couldn't respect the attorney any more than she already did but apparently she was wrong. The type of courage Alex was displaying was monumental, to return to a place which had taken so much from her for so long, so many years after it had happened. And to acknowledge that she was doing it because celebrating with Olivia meant so much to the blonde was a heady sensation.

"I'll meet you outside, of course I will. I'll be waiting for you on the sidewalk and we can go in together, ok? But 'Lex, promise me that you'll say if it's too much, if you can't do it. Promise me that, please? I won't think any less of you if you jump straight back in a cab and go home so if you need to do that, you do that, yeah?" Liv advised warmly, pouring into her tone every ounce of affection she dared to exhibit in her current surroundings.

"_I promise,_" Alex replied, the relief evident in her own voice. "_I'll see you shortly then,_" she announced, hanging up before Liv responded, not wanting to give herself any opportunity to back out of what she was about to do.

The detective strode back to the table, oozing confidence and joy. She smiled warmly at her colleagues who all looked at her expectantly.

"Alex is on her way now. She just got held up at the office. I'm going to wait for her on the sidewalk," Liv explained when they looked baffled as to why she hadn't retaken her seat in their booth.

"Why? She's a grown woman, I'm sure she can find the place herself," Elliot whined, the drinks he had consumed starting to tell on him.

"Yes she can but she's nervous. She's not to know I've told you this and I'm only telling you so that none of you upset her inadvertently tonight…" She paused, fixing Elliot with a look which told him that her words particularly applied to him. "She's never been back here since she was shot outside. Tonight will be the first time she's been in here since that night."

The table fell silent, each of them thinking back to the night in question, the toll the case they were working had already been taking on their team and the terrible price that was to be paid by the end of the evening. Expressions became sombre, even Elliot had the good grace to look contrite.

"I'll wait with you. It's not safe for you to be hanging around on a sidewalk alone at this time of night and I really should get going soon anyway," Don Cragen reasoned, genuinely wanting to protect his detective but also wanting to make sure the woman who had been such a good friend to her was alright. Their relationship hadn't always been smooth sailing but the police captain had a lot of time and respect for ADA Cabot. She had shown herself to be one of them, one of the elite few in the DA's office who put fighting for justice above their own ambitions – despite what she had told him when they first met about using SVU's shoulders to reach a broader constituent and improve her chances of becoming District Attorney one day.

"Thanks Captain, I'd appreciate that," Liv concurred, surprising everyone with her gentle acceptance instead of her usual stubborn insistence that she was more than capable of protecting herself alone. It was a change they were all grateful to see and hoped that it was permanent. "Elliot, it's your round so I think another pitcher is called for and get an extra glass in case Alex wants beer, ok?" The look she shot her partner made him aware that this was her preferred method of making him pay for his earlier insensitivity, since technically, it had been her own turn to buy drinks. Without a word to Liv, he attracted the attention of their waitress and requested the pitcher and extra glass, tilting his own glass towards Olivia in silent promise to behave better for the remainder of the night.

The two stepped out of the bar, Olivia's eyes drifting over to the area where Alex had lain bleeding out and wondering when she had become so desensitized to visiting the bar again that she had overlooked its potential effect on her friend.

"She's ok, Liv. She made it through her ordeal and so will you. I can't think of two people better equipped to support one another really," Cragen assured supportively.

Liv turned her head back around to fully face her captain, realising for the first time that her cheeks were wet. With a bemused expression, she dashed away the tears she had been unaware of shedding and swallowed down the lump in her throat as she tried to compose herself, not wanting Alex to see her upset and feel bad for bringing up still painful memories. "She's been a life-saver, on more than one occasion, literally," the brunette admitted softly. "I couldn't have got through any of this without her. I just can't believe I suggested this place and forgot that it might be hard for her to come back here. I feel like that makes me a really bad friend."

"It doesn't," the captain stated firmly. "It just means that you've had more time, more opportunities to build better, happier memories associated with this place than Alex has. And now, you get to help her do the same." Don smiled as he spied the attorney slipping demurely from the back of a cab away to Olivia's left. "And your opportunity begins here," he advised. Watching in satisfied silence as his surrogate daughter strode over to her friend and swept her up into a fierce hug.

"Let's get inside. It's too cold to be hanging around out here and there are drinks with our names on at the table." Liv kept her arm around Alex as she guided her over to the captain, away from the spot where she had fallen after the bullet slammed into her shoulder. A phantom pain sliced momentarily through the affected joint, causing Alex to wince but she determinedly shook it off and greeted Captain Cragen.

"Don, are you heading off?" she asked, subconsciously nestling into Olivia's lean body beside her and drawing comfort, strength and much needed heat from her.

"I am. Early start for me tomorrow. I've been summoned to 1PP for a meeting with the brass, something and nothing I expect. I just thought I'd make sure Detective Benson here didn't go picking any fights while she was waiting for you," he added, acknowledging the brunette's need to be cautious until such a time as the bomber was in custody and the threat neutralized.

"Thank you," both women murmured at the same time. They turned to one another with amused expressions, eyes twinkling in the street lighting. Don smiled at them bidding them goodnight and making his way home.

"Shall we?" Liv invited, extending her arm towards the few steps down to O'Malley's door. Alex stepped in front of her, making her way into the bar, feeling more relaxed and less anxious than she imagined she would, mostly due to Olivia's warm greeting and gentle, constant physical contact reassuring her.

"Hey, glad you could join us," Fin called as he spied the two women snaking their way through the throng of bodies towards their booth.

"And the clouds part to allow the mere mortals below a brief chance to gaze upon the beauties held in the heavens," Munch narrated as though reciting lines from a terribly corny play, earning him a unanimous groan and a jab to his shoulder from his partner.

Elliot displayed unusual gallantry, rising from his place on the bench seat to allow the two ladies to sit beside one another. His gesture drew raised eyebrows from Olivia, who looked to Munch and Fin for an explanation, wondering what they had done in her absence to prompt the move. She was greeted with twin shrugs feigning innocence but somehow she didn't believe them. Flashing them a grateful smile, she ushered Alex into the booth first before sinking into the seat beside her and shuffling round so that there was comfortably room for Elliot as well.

"What are you drinking, Alex? My shout," Elliot offered, indicating the empty beer glass and mostly full pitcher but making it clear that she could choose whatever she liked.

"Beer's good. After the day I've had, anything with an alcohol content is good. Thanks Elliot." The attorney accepted her now full mug gratefully, taking a deep pull of the amber liquid before placing it onto the scarred tabletop. "Aaahhhh," she sighed appreciatively, "am I ready for that." She sank back into padded upright vinyl covered cushions of the booth, glancing around at the amused faces peering at her. "What?" she queried.

"Never thought I'd see Alexandra Cabot go all misty-eyed over a cold brew!" Fin exclaimed with a teasing twinkle in his eye.

"I'm not so much of a snob that I can't enjoy the simple pleasures in life, you know. I'll have you know that during my incarceration," as she had taken to referring to her time in the programme, "I developed an appreciation for all manner of things I wouldn't ordinarily have been exposed to." Her statement, designed to deflate the Ice Queen balloon once and for all, earned the haughty blonde a new wave of genuine laughter.

"Oh really, Princess? What were you _exposed_ to that you couldn't get in New York?" Elliot asked saucily, dramatically overacting a pout. Liv was very glad to see him continuing the banter in the spirit Fin had begun it and not retreating into his spiteful commentary as he had looked set to earlier in the evening.

"Were there _really_ big snakes?" Munch asked, comically waggling his eyebrows up and down at the fully intentional innuendo.

Alex groaned and buried her face in her hands, realising that the men around the table were all already slightly worse for wear for drink. Liv chuckled beside her slipping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her in close as though to shield her from their ribbing.

"Aw, give her a chance to have a drink or two before you start asking her for those kind of details, boys," the brunette cautioned, making it clear that she would allow them their fun so long as it didn't cross the line or upset Alex.

"Thanks, Liv," the attorney murmured softly, noticing with a heady mix of delight and trepidation that Liv made no attempt to retract her arm. She felt soft lips caress her through the fine hair at her temple briefly as the brunette placed an all too fleeting kiss there.

"You're welcome. And thank you…for being here. It means the world to me, my brave, brave Alex."


	47. Chapter 47

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**So this chapter would have been up a day or two ago but then muse and I had a chat and decided to scrap 1500 words of it. Rather than post it with the part I wanted to change edited out and leave you with rather an abrupt and bizarre end to a chapter, I took the extra time to add a different 1500+ words on which I'm a lot happier with the direction it takes the story in (and where it allows me to take the next chapter!) Hope that buys a little forgiveness for taking longer than I'd have liked to get this chapter online! ;)**_

_**As always, so many thanks to all of you who are reading, reviewing and adding this story to your alerts - you all make writing even more of a joy than it already is. But I would like to say a superhuge thank you to Reggieme for recommending this story to others (and to anyone else doing the same who I don't know about!) Your dedication and support of this piece really does touch me and I can't thank you enough. Welcome to new readers, great to have you onboard and I hope you stick around to the end. To those who chat on Twitter and want to read my random ramblings about how rubbish my job is or how great my nights with the chorus I sing with are (and I will talk to anyone about writing etc as well when I have the chance), feel free to look me up - my Twitter name is livabuff **_

_**Onwards :)**_

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><p><em><strong>Friday March 6<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**22.37**_

_**O'Malley's bar**_

The evening had passed by in a blur of chatter, laughter and many more drinks. Their booth had become more crowded at intervals throughout the night, with well wishers and colleagues shooting the breeze, which had led to its original occupants being situated somewhat cosily along the bench seats. Alex's head had recently come to rest on Olivia's shoulder, her eyes drooping drowsily as the stresses of the day and the beer mixed with pain relief tablets caught up with her. Only she, Olivia and Elliot remained but the two women had stayed sitting close together, their sides pressed tightly against one another as though holding each other upright.

"Want me to see you ladies home?" the swarthy detective offered.

"No we'll be fine, but thanks. I think it's time we headed off though, before Alex falls completely asleep," Liv murmured, running a hand gently down the dozy attorney's arm.

"Hmmm?" Alex hummed, raising her head slightly to look between the pair of detectives watching her. The early start mixed with more than a few beers and a whiskey chaser or two had left her brain a little fuzzy. Had she been more coherent, she probably would have reasoned it had been unwise to drink so much on so little food and the pain meds she had taken for her cramps earlier in the day.

"I was suggesting we head home so you can get to bed and sleep somewhere far more comfortable than my shoulder." Liv chuckled gently as the blonde mumbled something unintelligible and returned to her previous position, snuggling deeper into the detective's embrace.

"I think Alex is quite comfortable enough where she is," Elliot joked, leering somewhat lasciviously at the two women.

"Alex has ears…and a memory…and will kneecap Detective Stabler if he keeps looking at her like she's a porno star in the latest addition to his collection," the attorney intoned, not moving from her resting place but cracking one eye open wide enough to fix the man in question with her trademark icy glare. He did have the sense to look sheepish, swigging the rest of his drink and standing to leave.

"Come on, let's catch us a couple of cabs," he insisted, refusing to entertain the idea of leaving them behind, alone, even in a cop bar.

"You ready to make a move, 'Lex?" Olivia asked softly, knocking back the remainder of her own drink before pushing the empty glass back onto the table in front of them.

"Yeah, just give me a few…" Alex trailed off, reaching for her own glass and finishing what was left of her beer, grimacing at the taste of the now warm liquid. She gathered her purse and her jacket, nudging Olivia to indicate she was ready to leave. Liv scooted out from the booth, smoothly slipping into her black leather jacket. Alex stumbled a little, swaying slightly on her heels as she stood, only to be steadied by warm, firm hands at her waist.

"I've got you," Liv murmured into her ear, standing slightly behind her friend but still maintaining close contact.

Turning slightly, under the guise of checking she had everything so that Elliot couldn't see or hear, Alex whispered, "yes, you do."

After a brief, shared smile, the duo turned back to Elliot who was watching them with a carefully neutral expression – presumably to avoid incurring Alex's wrath any further. They traipsed through the bar and out onto the street. As they climbed the few steps up to the sidewalk, Alex was hit by an overwhelming sense of déjà vu. She heard the revving of an engine, the squeal of tyres, the whirring of a window winding down, the hiss of a bullet leaving the barrel of a gun heading straight for her. Pain erupted like a fire out of control in her shoulder stealing the air from her lungs. And then she was falling, deeper and deeper into the approaching blackness.

"Alex? Alex, honey. Come on 'Lex, talk to me. Look at me, sweetheart." Liv's soft alto voice rang in the attorney's ears, sounding distant and echoing just as it had that night when she was shot.

"Is she ok?" another voice, a male voice, called urgently.

"I don't know, she's not responding," Olivia stated, panic creeping into her tone. "She didn't drink that much did she?"

"No more than you. I know she's no hardened drinker but she can hold her liquor, right?" Elliot too was beginning to sound concerned about their ADA, who was standing motionless, staring into space with a vacant yet slightly petrified expression.

Ok…ok…" Liv murmured, brain rapidly working through possible ways to bring her friend back. Looking towards Elliot, she schooled her features into as intimidating a mask as she could muster. "If I hear one ounce of shit from you for what I'm about to do, I will make sure you and I never work in the same precinct ever again and I won't be the one leaving." She watched him hold both hands up in a gesture of surrender before focusing solely on her closest friend, suspecting she knew what was happening inside the attorney's mind given their earlier conversation. Positioning herself directly in front of Alex, Olivia cupped her face in both hands, caressing her cheeks with tender strokes of her thumbs. Slowly, she leant in closer, watching warily for any signs that she was triggering a reaction, any reaction at all, in the younger woman. Her lips closed over Alex's, one hand leaving her cheek to snake around the back of her neck, burying itself in the silky champagne coloured locks at the base of her skull. Gently, softly, affectionately she kissed the attorney, pouring every ounce of warmth she could into the exchange. The brunette felt the sparks of desire passing between them, even as Alex remained passive in the kiss. She pulled away after a short while, retreating far enough to look into Alex's clear blue eyes… blue eyes which were blinking at her in surprise.

"Liv…?" Alex muttered, her confusion evident. One hand drifted towards her shoulder, feeling around the area of her scar before she raised the fingers to her line of sight, expecting to see fresh blood. The action confirmed what the detective had suspected.

"I thought I'd lost you there," Liv confessed softly, hand still cupping Alex's cheek.

"I…it…it was happening again… I could feel it, hear everything I heard that night. I… oh God." Alex's voice cracked as she fully realised that it had been a flashback, her body sinking into the solid embrace Olivia was offering.

"It's ok…you're safe. You're safe, sweetheart. You're ok. We're ok, everything's ok," Liv murmured, reassuring the distraught young woman as best she could.

Elliot turned away, giving the two women as much privacy as could be afforded to them on a sidewalk in the middle of Manhattan. He heard Liv's voice drifting on the breeze, her continued words of soothing comfort and support for a woman she obviously cared a great deal for. With a heavy sigh, he pulled out his cell phone and dialled the number for the cab firm they knew and trusted, ordering two cars at their earliest convenience. Turning back, he saw that Alex had collected herself but studiously avoided looking either of them in the eye, telegraphing her discomfort at them having witnessed her moment of perceived weakness. Stepping closer, he offered a reassuring smile.

"You know, the first time I came back here after you were shot, a car backfired as I was about to go inside. I hit the deck and couldn't move. I went home without ever making it inside. You're not alone, Alex. I just wanted you to know that."

Olivia flashed a genuinely grateful smile at her partner for sharing his own experience with the traumatised blonde. Taking a deep breath, she added her own story to the pot. "I refused to come here for around six months after the shooting, just couldn't bring myself to do it. When I finally did – I forget what forced me to now – I went straight to the cloakroom and lost my lunch."

"There's nothing to be embarrassed about, no one saw anything except the two of us and you have to know we wouldn't ever use it against you, or think any the less of you for it. I think we'd probably both be more worried if you didn't react to coming back here in some way – worried about you but more so worried about us being way more chickenshit than you are. And that really would be bad for my street cred!" Elliot quipped trying to lighten the mood a little.

"Thank you…both of you," Alex murmured, finally raising her head to offer each of them a small smile. She stepped back slightly, putting distance between herself and her two companions and pushed her hands deep into the pockets of her beige winter-weight jacket, trying to disguise the fact that she was still shaken - and shaking – from the flashback. Olivia recognised the walls going up in the stiffening of her spine and the squaring of her shoulders, the impenetrable mask of Alexandra Cabot slipping back into place. It broke her heart to see the retreat and hoped that it was only a temporary one, until they got back to the sanctity of the apartment and were alone in each other's company once more.

The cabs arrived and Elliot gallantly held the door open to the first car for the two women to slip inside before venturing to his own transport home. Olivia glanced across the small space towards where her friend sat in stoic silence, gazing resolutely out of the side window.

"I'm sorry," she murmured regretfully. "I'm sorry you had to relive that. I'm sorry you had to go back there. I'm sorry for not realising sooner that it was a bad idea."

Alex remained silent, never moving the entire ride home, leaving Liv with no choice but to travel in silence also as the driver seemed particularly disinterested in making conversation. Still without a word, Alex handed the fare, along with a fairly generous tip, to their Hispanic driver and climbed out of the car, hovering on the sidewalk as thought making sure Liv was following before making her way indoors.

"Good evening Miss Cabot, Miss Benson," Jake, the doorman, welcomed them warmly as he opened the door into the lobby for them.

"Good evening Jake, how's that son of yours doing? He still giving your poor wife sleepless nights?" Alex asked conversationally.

"That he is, Ma'am. Think it's timely that my rota shifts to days next week so I can do my share of keeping him entertained and let her catch some sleep for a change," Jake replied walking them to the elevator and pressing the button to call the lift down for them.

"I'm sure she'll be very pleased to have you there. Take care of them both, Jake." Alex requested as she stepped into the small yet elegant elevator, swiftly followed by Olivia.

"I certainly will, Miss Cabot. You ladies take care now and enjoy the rest of your evening," Jake called warmly as the doors closed, always appreciative of how Alex took the time to talk to him and his colleagues, unlike many of the residents who lived there.

The atmosphere inside the lift was tense with each woman taking up a position on opposite sides of the tiny box. Alex wrapped her arms around her upper body, hugging herself as though fighting off a chill while Liv kept her hands firmly tucked into the front pockets of the black, form fitting jeans she had changed into at the end of shift. They rode up the floors to Alex's apartment in silence, the attorney looking anywhere but at her friend. She was out of the door as soon as they opened, striding down the corridor towards her home without waiting for Olivia this time. The brunette couldn't prevent the hurt which sliced through her as Alex's behaviour suggested she held Liv responsible for the unpleasant end to the evening. Trudging after the determined blonde, Liv sighed and resigned herself to riding out the latest storm, wondering if they would ever find a way to be around one another for any length of time without one or the other of them ending up upset. The door was ajar when the detective reached it, Alex already having disappeared inside. She pushed through, listening for any audible indication of where her friend might be, ready and willing to get down on her knees and beg for forgiveness if needs be to remove Alex's carefully constructed walls. The clatter of something falling in the kitchen had Liv hurrying in that direction.

"…stupid, fucked up, useless idiot," Alex was muttering, crouched on the floor picking up teabags which had exploded from the dropped caddy, as the brunette rounded the corner.

Crouching cautiously beside her friend, Olivia reached out and placed her own hands over the attorney's which were frantically, almost violently, stuffing teabags back into their container, ceasing her movements. "'Lex, talk to me, please? Tell me what I can do to make it up to you? Shout at me, scream at me, cuss me to the heavens… Hell, I'd even take you lashing out and slapping me over this silence."

"Why would I hit _you_? _You_ weren't the one to make a complete ass of themselves in the street. _You_ weren't the one who let her fear get the better of her. Why are you even bothering with me? I'm hopeless, a lost cause, a…"

Before Alex could further berate herself, Olivia had pulled her into a fierce, tight embrace, realising that she had read the blonde's silence entirely wrongly. "_You_ are a wonderful, brave, strong, courageous and inspirational woman. _You_ conquered your demon tonight where that place is concerned. You went back, you faced it and you stayed standing. You've not ended up flat on your face on the sidewalk, like El did, nor have you lost whatever food you've eaten today, unlike I did. You remembered what happened, yes. It hurt, yes. I dare say it scared you a great deal too but it did not beat you because you are strong, so strong." Seeing there was still doubt and self-recrimination flooding her friend, Liv asked, "do you want to know why I was sick the night I went back there for the first time?" She answered without waiting to see if Alex did. "I looked at that spot on the sidewalk where you lay bleeding out and I could _feel_ your blood on my hands all over again. I could smell the coppery scent of it, the warmth of it as it kept on coming out of your body no matter what I did to try and stop it. I could feel how my entire body was shaking, how my heart was pounding and my stomach was churning at the realisation that I was losing you. I remembered how I wanted to scream that I loved you but I couldn't because I could barely speak through the terror that was gripping me. I felt useless and helpless all over again. I felt the force of your loss like it had happened that same day and not months before. I felt like I had failed you so badly that I didn't deserve to call myself your friend and I hated myself more than I have ever hated anything or anyone in my life. And do you know what I did after I was through throwing up?" Again, Liv barely paused long enough to draw breath, certainly not long enough for Alex to interject. "I drank. And drank and drank and drank until I passed out. Elliot had to take me home to his place, toss me on his couch with a trash can beside me and sit up watching me all night to make sure I didn't choke on my own vomit. So don't you _dare_ doubt how strong you are, how gutsy, how amazing you are for finding the courage in you to come to that bar tonight. And don't you dare doubt how much it means to me that you did that because you wanted to help me celebrate getting off desk duty." Finally Liv stopped talking, still holding Alex just as tightly, just as closely to her own body.

Alex's resistance evaporated, her defences crumbling as she sobbed brokenly against Olivia, causing the older woman's eyes to water in sympathy. The two clung to one another on their knees on the cold tiled floor of the kitchen, each letting go of their despair at the events which had driven them apart for so long as they grieved that loss together for the first time.

"I could hear you…the whole time…and I wanted to tell you…I wanted to be able to tell you…I loved you too Liv, even back then, even though I wouldn't ever have allowed myself to do anything about it at the time. But I couldn't. It hurt, so much, to breathe and I just couldn't force my body to respond to my mental commands. I wanted to squeeze your hand, blink, do something – _anything _- to let you know I could hear you…" Alex confessed before trailing off into a fresh round of tears.

"It's ok, sweetheart. It's ok, let it all out. I'm here, I've got you. I'm not going anywhere and you don't have to either now. You don't have to go any place you don't want to go anymore," Liv assured softly, placing a tender kiss against Alex's fine, soft blonde hair.

They stayed locked in their embrace for long moments, neither making a sound beyond the occasional sniffle. Eventually, Olivia sensed that Alex's distress had subsided sufficiently to relinquish the vice-like grip she had on her friend. Easing back a little, she was somewhat gratified to see heavy-lidded blue eyes sluggishly blinking back at her.

"Let's get you ready for bed, hey? You look about down for the count," she murmured tenderly, swiping a final stray tear from Alex's ruddy cheek.

"Would you…will you…do you think you might be able to lie with me tonight? Just to sleep, I don't mean…I'm not trying to pressure you into anything else and I fully understand if you can't or don't want to or anything…" Alex babbled after a slow start.

Liv stopped her with a finger on the younger woman's lips. "Even if it's only until you're asleep and I'm sure you're not going to have nightmares, I'll be by your side tonight. There's no place else I'd be."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday March 7<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**06.21**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Liv padded from her room, rubbing the last vestiges of sleep from her eyes as she headed for the guest bathroom across the hallway. Senses heightened from years as a detective, she realised that she wasn't the first to rise, despite the early hour. Once she had seen to her much needed business in the bathroom, she headed into the lounge area, stopping short of approaching the apartment's owner and giving herself chance to look over the visage, assessing the lie of the land before venturing in. Alex was huddled up on the sofa, knees tucked up under her chin, legs covered by the throw from the back of the couch, a soft, light gray, woollen cardigan wrapped tightly around her body. A book lay open balanced precariously on her knees but clearly the blonde's mind was elsewhere as her eyes stared vacantly out into empty space in the region of the centre of the room.

"Hey, you ok?" the older woman called as softly as she could, not wanting to startle her pre-occupied friend.

Alex's head whipped round all the same, her chest rising and falling rapidly, testament to her shock. "Liv, I'm sorry, did I wake you?" she asked, even though she hadn't made a sound up to that point.

"No, not at all, just the last dregs of that beer making their way through me is all. What's got you up so early? You feeling alright after last night?" The brunette stepped closer on silent feet, plopping down on the couch beside Alex and slumping into its comfortable cushions, head lolling against the back.

"I'm fine, just these stupid cramps. I got up for a glass of water and some more pain meds, ended up here instead of back in bed." Alex tossed the forgotten book onto the coffee table, looking across towards where her close friend sat. "You sleep ok?"

"Yeah, not bad, a few unpleasant dreams but nothing too horrendous. How about you? You still look pretty tired," Liv mentioned in concerned tone.

"No more so than usual at the minute," the attorney hedged. In truth, her sleep had been grossly invaded by gruesome images conjured from having read Jackson's disturbing ramblings intermingled with flashbacks to the night of her shooting. It had been one of the least restful nights she'd had in a while, including those she had spent soothing Liv after Sam's death. At least then, they had taken comfort from one another's arms but she hadn't wanted to disturb the detective, knowing that these might be the last nights of uninterrupted sleep she got in a while now that she was back on active duty. Glancing at the clock, she sighed. "Not much point trying to sleep any more now though. I should head into the office soon, try to clear some of the backlog of paperwork."

"Today? Is it not stuff that can wait until Monday? You need a break, Al. I'm worried you're going to burn yourself out," Liv shared her concerns, rising to a more upright position and angling her body towards the younger woman.

"Unfortunately, it can't wait, no. I'll try not to be there too long. Perhaps we could arrange to go for dinner somewhere tonight, then I have a definite deadline by which I have to be home?" Though she was trying to be stoic, Liv could tell how much the previous night had truly affected Alex. The evidence was all there to someone who took the time to look properly; the tiny tremors in her hands, the slight muscle spasm just beneath her right eye, the vaguest hint of a crease on her otherwise flawless brow, the tension coiled across the back of her shoulders.

"I have a slightly different compromise, if you're willing to hear me out?" Liv asked, waiting to receive the go-ahead before continuing. "Give yourself today off, have a quiet, relaxing day here catching up on some reading – for leisure, not work – watching movies, playing cards, sleep some more, whatever you want to do. Just have one day to recharge your batteries and then I promise I will personally chauffeur you to and from the office tomorrow and I will even put some of these skills Gina has been teaching me into practice and cook for you. What do you say? Could you give yourself just a little respite? Your schedule is so heavy, so hectic, so constant right now that you do need to find a way to balance it with some time for yourself as well."

Alex considered her options, allowing Liv to take hold of one of her hands between both her own, much warmer hands. The contrast in temperature startled the attorney, Alex not having realised just how chilled she was from sitting under the throw in just sleep pants and a capped sleeve tee. The dedicated professional in her pressed for her to suck up her own discomfort and make the move to the office, to continue pouring over Craig Jackson's every thought and musing in the hopes of finding the rope to hang him with as well as something preferably to take O'Keefe down with him. However, there was also a part of her which yearned to do exactly as Olivia was suggesting, to take a day out and do nothing more with it than spend it relaxing, hopefully with the brunette by her side. Would one day away from it really hurt her or the case _that_ much? Would her conscience quieten down long enough for her to simply put her feet up with the crossword and a fresh cup of coffee? Could she remember the last time she had had such a day, when there were no obligations or expectations of her beyond pleasing herself? If she was honest, Alex couldn't ever recall a time when she had shucked duty in favour of doing purely what she wanted to do and she wasn't entirely sure that, at her age, she could learn to do so.

"I'm not sure. I really should do some of the work I didn't get done last night…" Alex protested, the reluctance evident in her voice.

"…and you will, tomorrow, when you're fresher and more rested. You'll get far more done than you would by going in today, working yourself into a stupor before midday and having to re-do everything tomorrow or Monday anyway. Trust me, Alex, as someone who has worked 72 hours without a break. We all have our limits where no matter how much we might want to press on, how much our minds are telling us we _need_ to keep going and just do a little more, physically, mentally and emotionally we just can't. Last night was…it was draining for me so I can only begin to imagine how exhausted you must be. You are allowed to think of yourself once in a while and do what's best for you and you alone. So, in your heart of hearts, what do _you_, Alex Cabot, want to do today?" Liv's expressive brown eyes, open and inviting, bored into Alex's cagey blue ones.

"Ok fine, you win. I don't want to do anything. I feel lousy, these cramps just will not leave me alone, I'm tired, I'm cold and I just want to curl up in a ball and not have to use my brain at all, at least not for a few hours. Satisfied? Just because that's what I want, it doesn't translate to being what I can do. Why not let me work today and we can have a day here, doing whatever we feel like or nothing at all tomorrow?" Alex bargained.

"I promised Gina and Fausto I'd have lunch with them tomorrow to discuss the arrangements for Sami's…for Monday but if you really have to go in to work, I can't and won't stop you. We can have a lazy day together another time, when I'm not on shift and you don't have so much on your plate." Thought Liv's words were placatory, her expression did little to hide her disappointment.

"Oh…" Alex gasped, "I'm sorry. That can't be an easy prospect to discuss over lunch." For the first time, Alex considered that Liv was asking to spend the day with her, not just out of concern but also out of a deep need to be distracted herself. "Well then, why don't I work tomorrow, while you're with the Camanetti's? One day away won't do the cases any harm." The attorney unfolded her legs, holding the blanket up in silent invitation for Liv to join her beneath it. The brunette shunned the request, rising to stand and holding out her hand. Alex placed her own palm against Liv's proffered one, instantly feeling herself being pulled to her feet. Balling the blanket up, she tossed it onto the couch, allowing her friend to lead her through the apartment and back into her bedroom.

"Lie on your stomach, honey, and let me see if I can work out some of the tension in your lower back for you. It won't cure your cramps but it might ease them a little." Liv trotted into the en suite, returning moments later with a bottle of moisturising lotion she had seen the blonde use on more than one occasion. She paused as she saw Alex still standing where she had left her, a faint blush colouring her cheeks. "Relax, Alex. I'm not using massage as a means to get into your pants – not this time anyway," the detective jested, watching with amusement as the blush grew rapidly more pronounced.

"I'm sorry, I just…I didn't assume…it's just, the only time anyone's ever offered to do that for me, I was expected to put out afterwards. And he wasn't even any good at massage, he got bored after a couple of minutes and moaned about his hands cramping up!" Alex scoffed, recollecting the rather unpleasant experience she had had with an early boyfriend.

"I promise to be a perfect gentleman, although if you're not too uncomfortable with the idea, it might be better if you shed the t-shirt," Olivia suggested, placing the moisturising lotion on the bedside cabinet closest to her. "I'll fetch a towel to cover the parts of your back I'm not working on, so you can keep warm and won't feel so exposed." Liv darted back into the bathroom, taking her time retrieving the towel in deference to giving Alex time to settle herself, minus her top, on the bed.

"OK, I'm in…uh…ready," the nervous blonde called softly after a couple of moments. Popping her head around the doorjamb, Liv saw that Alex had indeed complied with her request this time and was settled on her stomach in the centre of her bed, tee lying abandoned on a chair in the corner of the room, head tilted to the side facing the drape-guarded windows.

"If it gets too uncomfortable for you, pain-wise or you get cold or just…yeah…you know personally, let me know and I'll stop straight away. You ok there? Comfortable enough for me to start?" the brunette asked, folding the plush navy towel and draping it across the top of Alex's shoulders.

"I'm good yeah." Alex nestled a little deeper into her mattress, making herself cosily comfortable and surprising herself at how relaxed she felt, despite being half naked in front of a woman she harboured strong feelings for. "Hey Liv?" she called quietly.

"Hmmm?" Liv hummed in response, already settling herself beside Alex's prone body and warming a generous amount of lotion between her palms.

"Thanks, for offering to do this."

No further words were spoken for many minutes as Liv concentrated on working knots out of Alex's lower lumbar region. She focused on one area at a time, easing the tension before moving on so as not to irritate or inflame the muscles needlessly and risk doing more harm than good.

"I'm just going to move the towel down so I can get at your shoulders, ok?" Alex's only response was a deeply satisfied sigh and brief hum of agreement. Her eyes were growing heavier the longer the massage went on. Her muscles felt like they were turning to liquid beneath Olivia's skilful ministrations and she doubted she would be able to leave the bed even if the apartment caught fire.

"So good," she murmured appreciatively, earning her a quiet chuckle.

"Sssshhh Allie, you just relax. Sleep if you need to," Liv cooed, voice hushed so as not to rouse the blonde from her blissfully drowsy state. Repositioning the towel deftly, she switched her attention to the taut muscles across the backs of Alex's shoulders. She applied more lotion, taking a moment to warm it again before she made contact with the fresh skin. Alex released another heavy sigh, her eyes fluttering shut and staying that way.

By the time Liv was content with her work, Alex was obviously fast asleep once more. Opening one fold of the towel out so that it covered the entire expanse of naked skin, Liv pulled the blankets up around the slumbering woman, tucking it under her chin. She remained perched beside Alex, one hand continuing to rub circles between her shoulder blades in a gesture of comfort.

"Sweet dreams, honey," the brunette whispered before hauling herself up from the bed.

She stepped out of the bedroom and into the guest bathroom to wash up, not wanting to risk using the en suite in case it roused Alex. A regular, insistent beeping drew her attention as she padded back through to the lounge. Senses on alert, the detective prowled around the apartment listening intently for the origin of the noise. Alex's cell phone, abandoned the previous night on the breakfast bar in the kitchen, blinked in time with the beeping, signalling low battery. Retrieving the device with the sole intention of plugging it in to charge, Liv saw that there were numerous messages and missed calls awaiting Alex's attention. Torn between wanting to let the attorney rest and her strong sense of duty, the brunette clicked to see who the calls were from, knowing if it was a request for a warrant or something case related, Alex would have no choice but to attend to it. She saw that all the messages came from the same contact: Abbie Carmichael. As she went to clear the screen, another message popped in, opening at Olivia's inadvertent command.

"_Cabot, I swear to God if you don't respond and let me know you're alive, I'm going to get on the next plane to New York, find you and tan your hide!_" the message read. Liv suppressed a chuckle, knowing that the Texan would only have sent such a message if she was frantic but being amused by the image of Abbie berating their mutual friend for being lax in letting her know she was ok.

In lieu of texting back, since Abbie was obviously awake despite the still early hour of day, Liv retrieved her own cell phone from the bedside cabinet in the guest bedroom and dialled a semi-familiar number she used less frequently these days but still kept on speed dial, just in case.

"_Liv? What is it? Has something happened to Alex? I've tried calling her, I've text her so many times I've lost count…_" Abbie rambled urgently.

"Hey, it's fine, Alex is fine. I just saw her cell on the side in the kitchen, the battery was low and she still had it on silent mode presumably from when she was trying to get some work done in peace in her office yesterday. I was putting it on to charge when your message popped up so I thought I'd let you know you can stop worrying…and threatening her with assault! It was fairly late when we got home last night and she was pretty exhausted so it must have slipped her mind to text you." Liv padded back through to the kitchen, away from the sleeping area of the apartment so as to avoid any chance of disturbing the resting young woman.

"_If she's so fine, why is it you calling me and not her? Not that it's not a pleasure to speak to you, Liv,_" Abbie hastened to add, cringing as she hoped she hadn't put her foot in it with the brunette.

"Thanks, Abs, nice to talk to you too!" Liv quipped with a quiet bark of laughter, letting her friend know there were no hard feelings about her off the cuff remark. "She really is fine. She's still sleeping at the minute though. I'll get her to call you later, when she's got some decent rest, I promise." The two old friends chatted for a while about each of their plans for the day before Abbie rang off, claiming she too could get a few hours uninterrupted sleep now she had assurances Alex was safe and well.

Liv grabbed herself a tall tumbler of filtered water from the fridge, goosebumps rising as the cool water slid down her throat, drawing her attention to the fact that it wasn't all that warm in the apartment. Further evidence was provided by two prominent nipples straining at the thin material of her white cotton tank. She opted to fetch a sweatshirt from her room, plodding towards the hallway footsteps quickening as she heard the telltale signs of distress coming from Alex's room through the door which she had deliberately left ajar.

"No…please…no…don't," Alex was muttering, eyes still firmly shut, body face down but writhing beneath the plush blankets. Abandoning her water on the corner of Alex's dresser, Liv hurried to her friend's side, dropping to a crouch beside the bed and reaching out to soothe a gentle hand through her sweat-drenched hair.

"It's ok, Alex. You're ok, you're safe, no one's going to hurt you." She continued to coo words of reassurance and comfort until Alex calmed. In her squirming, the blankets had slipped downwards, exposing the smooth expanse of her upper back. Drowsily, Alex rolled on to her side, unintentionally granting Olivia a brief flash of one pert, tempting breast. Judiciously, Liv pulled the covers back up, trying valiantly not to look directly at the succulent flesh on display, tucking the blanket back around Alex's chin.

Blue eyes slowly flickered open, struggling to focus on the slightly blurry outline of a face peering at her. "Liv?" she croaked, voice hoarse with the remnants of sleep.

"I'm here honey. You go back to sleep, it's ok, it was just a dream," Liv assured softly, hand resting on the younger woman's now blanket covered shoulder.

"Lie with me? Please?" Alex begged, her voice small and timid.

Liv swallowed thickly, at the prospect of climbing into bed beside a half naked goddess. "Let me get your tee," she suggested, presuming that Alex was unaware of her semi-nude state.

"Don't want it, just want you," Alex groused tiredly, arm snaking out from beneath the covers to tug at Liv's own vest top, indicating quite clearly her displeasure at being kept waiting.

After a particularly insistent yank on the thin material of her sleepwear, Liv wisely opted to climb into the space Alex was attempting to forcibly manhandle her into. Instantly, the younger woman moulded herself to Olivia's side, tucking her head beneath the brunette's proud jaw and slipping one arm around her slender waist. The attorney released a contented sigh, sleep already crowding back into the edges of her consciousness. Tentatively, Liv snaked her own arm across Alex's waist, the pale, bare skin meeting her own bronzed flesh and sending thrills down her spine. As they lay, facing one another, Liv was hyper-aware of the blonde's soft, fleshy mounds pressed up against her, further stoking the embers of the inferno of sexual tension building between them.

"Sweet dreams, 'Lex," she murmured, trying to quieten down her mind (and libido) in favour of resting, safe, warm and content in the attractive blonde's arms. Apparently, the attorney wasn't comfortable enough lying as she was and so turned over to face the opposite way, taking hold of Liv's hand which remained across her waist and using it to pull the older woman in close behind her in their more familiar spooning position. Alex drew their conjoined hands up higher, tucking them beneath her chin so that the brunette's arm effectively cradled one of Alex's naked breasts. Both women drifted back off to sleep with lazy smiles pulling at their lips.


	48. Chapter 48

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Phew, didn't think I was going to get this up tonight but just about finished it before I need to dash off, hit the shower and then get some decent sleep. Singing in a big concert tomorrow at an outdoor theatre, lots to do! Apologies if there are any spelling/grammar errors in this one, I wanted to get it online asap cos I know the next few days at least I won't have much time to edit/write, so it's not been proofread very thoroughly!**_

**_Anyway, a little something...nice to kick off this chapter cos you've all been so patient! Lol. Thank you as always to all of you who have left reviews. To new readers, welcome and thank you for joining us, hope you enjoy the ride. To my new Twitter friends, hey there and thanks for the follows, love your enthusiasm :) And to all of you out there, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy what lies ahead. Onwards..._**

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><p><em><strong>Saturday March 7<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**08.37**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex became aware of many things very quickly as she woke from her beautiful dream: she was lying flat on her back with a delicious weight along her entire left side partially pinning her to the bed; a muscular leg was trapped between her thighs almost resting against her centre; a slightly rough, calloused hand was cupping her right breast tenderly and she was hornier than she could remember being in a long, long time. She trapped her bottom lip between her front teeth, trying to remain still and silent, even as her hips yearned to rock, to grind down and make contact with the firm thigh so close to her apex. Olivia apparently was attuned to the attorney's biorhythms, her own consciousness returning moments after Alex's had fully returned. As she became more and more aware, Liv realised where precisely she and her hand had strayed to during her sleep…and that Alex was awake and aware of it. Not _just_ aware of it in passing it would seem either, judging by the beginnings of a reaction from the nipple beneath her palm. Her own core pulsated with need from where it was pressed tightly to Alex's leg, just below her hip.

"You feel amazing," Alex admitted softly, reverently.

Liv tilted her head up where it rested on Alex's shoulder, drawing ever closer, pausing only slightly to give the younger woman one last chance to back out. Alex's head dipped to meet her, closing that final distance and sealing their mouths together in a searing kiss which began slowly, explorative in nature but soon spiralled into a heated, smouldering exchange. Tongues duelled for dominance, invading one another's mouths in turn and plundering their depths. Teeth gnashed together and lips were smashed against each other in the fiery passion which had been ignited. Alex's leg hooked around Olivia's thigh, holding her in place and increasing the contact with her sodden, throbbing core. Her hips drove upwards seeking friction at their juncture, anything to release the almost unbearable pressure building there. The move brought her own thigh more firmly into contact with Liv's centre, the damp heat emanating through her sleep pants telegraphing the brunette's own need. Without breaking the kiss or being truly cognizant of their actions, the two women began to rock together, driving each other onward, ever closer to their peak. Olivia's hands massaged Alex's modest, pert breast, caressing the pliant, naked globe sensually and feeling a fresh flood of arousal as the nipple became completely engorged, prodding relentlessly at her palm. Her own answered the call, proudly displaying her excitement and pushing against the thin cotton of her vest.

Tearing their lips apart to suck in much needed lungs full of air, Liv released a keening whimper as she felt the first fluttering of her orgasm sweeping through her. The feel of Alex' lips closing around the pulse point in her neck, gentle tongue and teeth worshipping the smooth column of flesh only served to increase her desire, heightening her arousal and causing her to buck her hips harder, more erratically. Alex clung on desperately as she too rode out her impending release, her mind focussed only on the intensity of her desire for this amazing, sensual woman writhing against her. As both their bodies tautened, arching into each other and thrashing wildly, Alex heard the call she had been longing to hear for so many years.

Deep in the throes of her climax, Liv tipped her head back and released a long, ecstatic cry, "Allleeeeeeeeeeeex."

The sound of her name being called so reverently in Olivia's most intimate moment sent Alex hurtling headlong into a second, stronger orgasm, her core pressed tightly against the older woman's thigh. "Oh my God, Olivia," she bellowed, drawing out the final vowel before bending it into a low moan as she sank back to the bed, sated and spent. Liv continued to lie atop her for a few exquisite moments before she rolled onto her back beside the heavily panting blonde.

"Jesus, Alex…" Liv murmured, her voice raspy following their exploits. "That was… I've never… wow," she settled for, not sure her brain was yet functioning well enough to put into words how she felt about what had just happened.

Right up until the final utterance, Alex had been terrified; that her emotions, her hormones had got the better of her; that Liv would regret what had happened and withdraw; that something so powerful would overwhelm them both and destroy everything they had worked to build up together. But 'wow' was not something one tended to say if they felt regret and that single tiny word sparked hope in the attorney.

"I didn't plan that…when I… you know, asked you to lie with me earlier," Alex explained, needing to reassure Liv, all the same, that it hadn't been part of some twisted plan to get into her pants.

Liv rolled onto her side and reached out to slide one arm over Alex's toned stomach. "I don't regret it, Al…I can't. I might not be ready to…have a full physical and emotional relationship yet but that was…a long time coming, you've got to admit…" Liv trailed off as her core clenched once again at the mere memory of how it had felt to have the younger woman writhing below her. "What I was trying to say is that I've never…not ever…with anyone…managed to climax without being touched directly," Liv stuttered adorably, blushing and hiding her face in Alex's shoulder as she finally blurted out her admission.

Alex twisted her head around, bringing one hand up to cup Olivia's cheek, running a few strands of her shoulder-length chestnut hair through outstretched fingers. "It's ok, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. I've never… I've never done that either…with anyone else." Alex soothed the backs of her fingers over Olivia's smooth cheek before attempting to reassure the woman she was growing ever closer to. "It doesn't have to change anything. I'm not about to start pressuring you into a physical relationship. It happened, we both got caught up in the moment, let's leave it at that."

"But you're ok with it…aren't you? I mean… we're ok, right?" Liv queried, worried face peering up into Alex's earnest expression.

"Of course we are, sweetheart," Alex confirmed with a gentle smile, leaning in to press an almost chaste kiss against the brunette's succulent lips. Olivia deepened the kiss, making the connection firmer, more meaningful, pulling the younger woman to her before retreating and settling for a full length body hug, knowing it would be harder to assuage her guilt if she allowed it to happen a second time. Her hands gliding over Alex's still naked torso made her swallow thickly.

"I should probably get up," the older woman admitted reluctantly, knowing that the longer she stayed, the more likely it was that she would initiate a repeat performance…or possibly more.

"How about we take a stroll and find somewhere to grab some breakfast?" Alex suggested, realising that being outdoors and amongst others was probably a wise plan of action, at least until the hormones had settled again to a more manageable level.

Liv's stomach growled appreciatively. "Sounds perfect," she agreed with a lazy smile. Leaning in once more, she kissed the attorney tenderly, unable to stop herself now that the dam on intimate physical contact had been breached. Alex, she noticed, did very little to dissuade her from continuing, burying her hands in chestnut locks and holding Liv's head in place until they had each had their fill. "I know I shouldn't want to do that so much but…I can't help myself. God, 'Lex, you're so beautiful."

"If that's all we ever do, if all we ever have is this morning, I'll never regret it and I'll never love you any less but if you want to keep doing that…kissing me I mean…I'm certainly not going to stop you. We can take this as slowly as you need us to go…I hope I'm not overstepping the mark by presuming that this means there is an 'us', that we are an 'us'." Alex leaned back slightly, a small frown appearing on her otherwise flawless brow, a frown which was soon swiped away by a gentle stroke of Olivia's thumb.

"There is…at least I'd like this to mean there's an 'us', at least a tentative one for the time being…so long as you're sure you won't get tired of waiting for me to be in a position to give myself to you completely." Liv too drew back, looking deeply into the younger woman's eyes for any signs of doubt but finding only love and warmth.

"I'll never get tired of waiting for you, Liv. I've been waiting for you for years…sometimes it feels like my whole life. What's a few more weeks or months or even years so long as I get to spend time with you – whether that be holding you and the odd kiss here and there or just spending lazy Saturdays together reading the newspapers and evenings in with movies when our jobs allow it – it will be enough." Alex pulled herself to the edge of the bed, swinging her legs over the side and standing. Turning to face the still prone brunette, the semi-nude Alex offered coyly, "I'm all yours, Liv, for as long as you want me, however you want me, whenever you want me." Liv's slack-jawed expression was priceless, her eyes steadfastly attempting not to dip below eye level despite the very inviting temptation she was faced with.

Before Liv could respond, the blonde had retreated into the en suite bathroom, closing the door firmly behind herself and setting the shower running to warm up. The detective released a groan as the full impact of Alex's parting statement hit home, ratcheting up her blood pressure a few more notches to almost dangerous levels. Knowing she couldn't still be in bed when the blonde temptress exited, Olivia edged towards rising realising as she glanced at the closed bathroom door that Alex was beyond it…naked. And soon she would be exiting from that same bathroom freshly showered and _naked_, completely naked, not just topless but completely, entirely _naked_. Liv scampered from the room as though the devil himself was after her. Her loins burned, fresh arousal coating her folds and seeping into the thin cotton of her panties and beyond. Her lust for the younger woman was like an unquenchable thirst and it scared her. She had never felt so out of control around anyone, not even Sam, though their love-making had always been highly pleasurable and satisfying. They had waited months after starting to date before they had consummated their relationship and whilst it had been difficult to pull back on occasions, it felt like there would never be that option with Alex, that it would be all or nothing. Liv paced around her own room like a caged animal, pent up tension oozing from every pore and threatening to engulf everything around her. Knowing she needed to work some of it off, the detective strode into the guest bathroom, setting the shower running in there and stripping out of her sleep clothes. Her hands immediately reached up to tease her own breasts, to massage the ample flesh and tweak the sensitive, responsive nipples. Stepping beneath the blissfully warm jets of water, one hand strayed further south, sliding through her soaked folds and massaging her engorged clit.

Alex sensed the slight dip in water pressure and surmised that Liv too was showering off their morning's exertions before going out for breakfast. She knew it had been a little unfair to tease Liv with her final statement, especially whilst standing before her topless, but the brunette's reaction had told Alex all she needed to know. There was definite interest there that was straying further and further away from safely platonic. Those soulful, expressive brown eyes had pinned her with an incendiary stare hinting at deep levels of passion as yet untapped but also untamed. Thrills of excitement, anticipation and a trace of anxiousness chased down her spine and nestled between her thighs. Loving Olivia Benson could be dangerous, Alex acknowledged, for her heart and her head but that did little to stop her wanting. Oh how she wanted! She wanted it all; the physical, the emotional, the daily humdrum, mundane routines that came with any serious relationship but she respected that she had to be cautious and allow the gorgeous brunette her time and space. In the meantime, she would just have to satisfy the more unbearable cravings with a little self-loving, she decided, reaching for the detachable showerhead.

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><p><em><strong>Saturday March 7<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**17.53**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex lay sprawled along the majority of the couch, legs draped over the arm casually as she rested her back against Liv's shoulder. The brunette had one arm wrapped around Alex's waist from behind as she sat at a right angle to the attorney, feet propped up on a cushion on the coffee table. Liv, with laptop perched on her thighs, was engrossed in the latest episode of the web series she had fallen into when she had gone to discontinue Sam's account, while Alex was entertaining herself with the daily newspaper she had picked up earlier when they had gone out for breakfast. Their day had been comfortably lazy, each of them surprisingly at ease in the same space despite the earlier tension. In fact, they were considerably more relaxed around one another than they had been for a few days, almost as though now they had got that first physical encounter out of the way it had eased the pressure within each of them…at least for the time being. They had watched movies together, cuddling and sharing a bowl of toffee-coated popcorn. They had made lunch, side by side in Alex's cosy kitchen, feeding one another scraps and morsels and moving about as though they had shared the space for an eternity. They had run a couple of errands together when Alex remembered that it was Mandy's birthday coming up and the secretary deserved a small token gift at the very least for her constant loyal, pleasant and reliable service no matter what the attorney asked of her. It had given each of them a glimpse of what a future together could be like…and neither was too shy or too proud to admit that they liked it, that they would welcome a forever of days just like that one.

"What are we eating for dinner?" Alex asked suddenly, realising that Liv had offered to cook for her but so far she saw few signs of that happening.

Tearing her attention away from the drama unfolding onscreen, the brunette pondered her options for a few moments. "Well, while you were busy picking out the perfect card for Mandy, it just so happens that I grabbed a few things to put together a mushroom lasagne if that will suit Madame's tastes? Or we have rice, I could whip up a risotto but I'm not promising anything greatly exciting from that. Why? Are you getting hungry again already?"

"Not particularly, no. I just wanted to see if you'd forgotten the bribe you offered when persuading me to stay off work today!" Alex replied cheekily, tilting her head back and to the side a little so she could throw a wink at her current leaning post.

"That's a very serious accusation, Miss Cabot. Are you suggesting that your favour can be bought simply by the offer of a free meal?" Liv asked in a mock professional tone, as though seriously interrogating the younger woman.

"Not at all, Officer. It takes far more than a meal to be granted access to my _favours_," Alex husked in return, her expression turning excessively sultry and earning her a playful slap to her stomach from Olivia.

"Let me finish watching this and then I'll chain myself to the kitchen for you," Liv sighed with fake resignation lacing her tone.

"We could just get takeout if you want? I don't really care what we eat or who makes it, I just…don't want today to end," Alex admitted softly, all teasing gone.

"It can be the first of many, Allie. We don't have to worry that we won't get another chance to do this, to just be together without any kinds of special plans or compulsory things to get done. I know both our jobs might mean they're a little more sporadic than we'd like them to be but we'll just make the most of them whenever we do get them," Liv assured, cuddling into the woman stretched out beside her and kissing her cheek. Alex's head turned a little as Liv withdrew, following her retreat and capturing her lips in a brief, closed-mouth kiss.

"Thank you," she murmured, stroking the peachy skin of the brunette's olive-toned cheek with a gentle palm. "And sorry…for being insecure."

"You've nothing to be sorry for 'Lex. It's ok to be scared by this – at least I hope it is because I'm definitely scared. But we're in it together and as long as we keep doing what we're doing, keep talking to one another, being honest with each other, I reckon we're going to be ok. In fact, I think we'll be more than ok, I think we'll be great," Liv suggested confidently, nuzzling the side of Alex's face and pressing her lips to her shoulder before turning back to her laptop. "Now quieten down so I can finish watching Naomi and Sadie have hot steamy sex together!" Alex spun round, eyes fixated on the screen Liv was intently staring at as two very attractive actresses began tearing each other's clothes off.

"That's…that's…bordering on pornographic!" she exclaimed, head tilting to one side to get a better look at the action unfolding.

"Hardly, Alex. For a start, beyond the odd brief flash of nipple, you can't really _see_ anything, it's all power of suggestion. And secondly, there is an actual plot to this series, it's not just sex. In fact, this is the first love scene beyond one other kiss that there's been in this entire series so far," Liv protested, defending her viewing against the sweeping generalisation.

"And how many episodes have there been this season?" Alex asked, one eyebrow raised in classic prosecutorial stance, eyes flicking between the ongoing heated scene on the small screen and the woman so keen to watch it.

"This is episode four," came the slightly petulant reply.

"Uh-huh and these two women were together in all four episodes were they? Or did they just hook up in this one?" Alex quizzed, not convinced of the veracity of Olivia's arguments.

"They're ex-lovers who've recently met up again and fallen back into a pattern of getting together – recently being halfway through last series. Their chemistry just kinda boiled over in this episode, hence them fucking each other senseless in the hallway of Naomi's home," Liv supplied, tilting her own head and feeling her eyes widen in response to a particularly graphic close-up of what was happening between the characters.

"Yeah…not pornographic at all," Alex stated derisively, looking away and aiming to rise from the sofa. "I need a drink. Can I get you anything?" She was surprised when Liv clicked away from the show she had been watching. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to spoil your enjoyment of it."

"You didn't. That wasn't what the show was about in the first season or in the other episodes up to this point. I didn't need to see a strap-on actually going into her to get what's happening – less is definitely more sometimes, you know. You're right, it is beginning to cross that line between artistry and porn. Shame, the plots were actually half-decent." Liv shrugged, not really having become that invested in the show to be devastated by her decision not to continue watching it. "You opening wine?"

"Uh yeah I thought I would, why? You wanting a glass or were you hoping for something stronger?" Alex asked, hovering in the doorway to the kitchen, watching the brooding brunette stalk towards her.

"Whatever you want is fine by me, Al," Liv assured as she sashayed past, brushing her hand over the attorney's toned stomach, enjoying the tiny clenching of muscles beneath her fingers, and dropping a chaste kiss against her cheek. The sound of a cell phone ringing made both women groan, wondering who had the audacity to disturb their peaceful cocoon.

"Not mine," Alex stated as she located her phone.

"Mine unfortunately and given who's ringing, it can't be good," Liv supplied swiftly showing Alex her caller ID before answering. "Benson."

"_Liv, we need you to come in. I know you're only just back on active duty and not on call this weekend but we got ourselves a messy one,_" Captain Cragen advised, his tone clipped in a way it only got when the case was particularly gruesome…or personal.

"I'll be there as soon as I can," Liv assured him, already striding through the apartment with an apologetic glance in Alex's direction as she went to change into suitable work attire. Alex threw her a rueful half-smile which failed entirely to reach her eyes. Those rich, blue, expressive eyes clearly telegraphed her disappointment at their time together being cut short but with it there was also an obvious indication of understanding too. As Liv came pacing back out into the lounge, with gun and badge strapped to her side, Alex handed her a travel mug of coffee to take with her.

"I'll either send or bring some food down for you all in a while. Call me if you need anything…no matter what time it is." Looking up shyly from beneath her pale blonde bangs, Alex requested, "be safe out there ok?"

The words, the way they were spoken, were so reminiscent of the way Sam had said farewell each time she was called out that for a moment, Liv was rendered speechless. Stepping closer, she pulled Alex into a one-armed hug, mindful of the coffee she held, and pressed a gentle, lingering kiss to her lips. "I will and I'm sorry I can't cook for you this evening. I promise I will, soon. Thanks for the coffee, I've a feeling I might need it to see me through tonight. I'll see you later if you do come by the precinct and I'll hopefully be back this side of midnight but I'll let you know if I won't be." Despite her strong sense of duty to her work, Liv found it a wrench to let go of the willowy blonde attorney. Sensing her struggle, Alex stepped out of the loose embrace she was held in, giving the detective some space in an attempt to make the parting easier.

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><p><em><strong>Saturday March 7<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**18.34**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

Liv sunk onto the edge of the table in the interview room which had been set aside to display all the details they currently had on a series of rapes and assaults they believed could be attributed to Daryl Markson, a groundsman at a community garden in the city. The photos of the latest victim were difficult to view, even by the usual standards of things they saw in the unit. A young girl of just sixteen had been snatched off the street on her way home from the library, in the early evening when there should have been enough foot traffic around to make it safe for her to be out. She had been badly beaten, her wrists bound with barbed wire tightly enough for the barbs to make impressions against her skin even where they hadn't actually pierced it. Until the assault, the girl had been a virgin but her innocence had been stolen from her in the most brutal of manners, every orifice violated forcibly. Many of her front teeth were broken stumps or missing entirely, her lips bloodied and split in numerous places. The word 'whore' had been engraved into her abdomen just beneath her navel, pre-mortem as far as the ME could tell, as it had with the other victims. Impressions around her neck suggested manual strangulation had been attempted during the attack, more than once according to Melinda, again consistent with their other reported victims but that was not what had killed her. Her death had been the result of compressive asphyxiation, most likely from the weight of the perpetrator sitting or kneeling on top of the slight blonde girl as he raped her orally. This most recent attack was the first time the perp had killed one of his victims. Attacks on previous women and girls had been progressively more violent, more ferocious and they had feared that it was only a matter of time until someone died at his hands. The body had been found behind the dumpster of an all-night cafe although they were doubtful that the alleyway was where she had been attacked. She had been identified as Rebecca Harbourne from the library card in her purse, the strap of which had been tied tightly around her neck post-mortem. Munch and Fin were handling the parents and the notification, for which Olivia was supremely thankful. There was no easy way to get back on the horse in the unit but that was definitely not the way she could have handled her return.

"You ok?" Elliot's quiet voice sounded from somewhere off to her left.

"We need to stop him, El. We need to find something to prove it's Markson." She rubbed a hand tiredly over her face before slipping from her perch and stepping closer to the board, peering clinically at the photographs trying to spot vital clues rather than seeing the overall destruction and violence of the scenes they portrayed.

"Munch just called. The parents formally ID'd the body from the morgue photo. Understandably, they're in shock. They've had to call a doctor for her mother, think they're hoping to sedate her for a while. From what they can get out of the father, Rebecca was a model student, always kept curfew and told her parents where she'd be, what time she would be home. Good grades, keen to study, wanted to be a marine biologist. Munch and Fin will be heading back soon. Someone can talk to Rebecca's school tomorrow, get a view from them about what her parents didn't know, talk to her friends, her teachers, see if anyone noticed someone hanging around, see if anyone saw _Markson_ hanging around." Elliot joined his partner beside the gruesome display, watching her scour the timeline, the information they had so far, the victims' photographs.

"Where's the theme? What do these women have in common?" Liv asked, genuinely perplexed. "The first vic we know of was Hispanic, brunette, mid-30s. Second was a Turkish mother of four in her early 40s. Then there were two 20-something's, one white, one black, no children for either, one a blue collar worker, the other a charity volunteer and now Rebecca, a white, sixteen year old student. They all live in different neighbourhoods, there are no obvious places they would all frequent regularly enough to link them to one particular place. Are we really looking at trying to find a guy with no preference who stalks the streets looking for his next victim? How do we catch someone who appears to have no kind of pattern to his behaviour beyond needing to attack once a fortnight? And why that gap in between assaults? What is he doing between one victim to the next? Where is he? What sets him off? And why are the attacks increasing in the level of violence but not becoming more regular? That seems contradictory. You'd think that if his agitation is increasing and so he's focusing more anger on his victims that he'd need to release more often," Liv rambled, mostly to herself, knowing that Elliot couldn't provide the answers to her questions any better than she herself could.

"Not necessarily," George Huang intoned from the doorway, having recently been invited to offer his opinion on the case. "I suspect that your attacker is fully in control of his actions and by extension his need to commit them. With each attack, he is becoming more confident, more practiced but he is also needing the extra violence, the extra adrenaline rush to achieve the same level of satisfaction. To begin, the thrill of being caught was enough. Then, when the police didn't arrive to arrest him, he needed to be a little rougher to get the same release from his actions. With each assault, he is growing to need more and more for the act of abducting and raping a woman to get him off. The fact that he took your latest girl off a busy street whilst it was reasonably populated backs that up. If he's not stopped, he might look to target women who are more high profile or snatch them during the day instead of under cover of night. He will have to continue to seek ways to maintain his level of excitement, perhaps even going so far as to commit the act in a public place where the chances of getting caught are higher. You wondered what he did in between attacks, Olivia? I suspect that he watches his next victim. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that he has already picked out his next target before he attacks his current one. He watches, he waits and when the thrill of the chase reaches its peak, he attacks before moving on to the next woman who has caught his eye."

A chill ran down Liv's spine as she considered the scenario George was presenting. A perp like that could mean that no woman was safe. "Are they really as random as they appear to be? His choice of victim?"

"They might be or they might all have done something to set him off, something they didn't even realise they were doing like ignore him as he walked by them or neglected to thank him for holding a door open for them. Or…they might have done absolutely nothing to him personally but remind him of someone who has slighted him in the past. I hear you have a man you believe looks good for these attacks, what do you know about him?"

"Daryl Markson, 35 years old, white, comes from a blue collar family. His dad works in the meat packing district, mother at a Laundromat two blocks from the family home. Daryl lives with them still but has his own entrance and exit to his basement room in their brownstone. Daryl himself works on and off as a courier for a delivery company. The boss there says he's a loner, rarely talks with any of the other drivers but he put that down to him working there so sporadically. He's a misogynist from all accounts, hates that his mother goes out to work, thinks all women should be housewives and mothers, that they shouldn't waste their time on education and that going out to work undermines a man's status as head of the household. Has no friends to speak of, a few passing acquaintances at a bar he frequents but no one seems to want to get that close to him. Nobody has a clue where he spends his time when he's not working or propping up the bar," Elliot supplied from memory.

"Have you spoken to him yet?" George asked thoughtfully.

"We've had no solid reason to as yet, nothing linking him to any of the victims or the locations they were attacked in," Stabler replied, his frustration at their lack of progress obvious from his tone.

"When you do, have Liv leading the questioning to begin with. Play on his apparent distaste for working women, let her emasculate you in front of him. If you sense him biting, if you sense him developing an empathy for you, Liv pull out and let Elliot connect with him," Huang suggested in a reversal of a tactic they had employed in the past, with Elliot playing the chauvinistic dominant character and Olivia the undermined female.

"And what if that gives him a hard on for Liv? What if we can't tie anything to him but she pisses him off enough for him to go after her?" Elliot questioned worriedly.

"I have a gun El and I'm fully trained in taking care of myself. I rarely go anywhere alone. Even if he does fixate on me, he'd never get chance to do anything about it…and I think he really doesn't want to get caught so going after one of the detectives investigating his attacks would be low on his list of priorities – even if it would be the height of adrenaline rushes for him," Liv assured, confident that she would be safe. No one could be unlucky enough to attract the attentions of two men wanting to torture her, surely.

"I agree with Olivia," Huang concurred, his face a mask of calm confidence. "All the same, I would suggest you make sure you don't go anywhere alone and don't give him any opportunity to even think about attacking you, Liv. Just to be safe. You would be a particularly gratifying trophy for him to collect so don't lose sight of that, not even for a moment."

One of the computer technicians popped his head around the door, brandishing a plain brown envelope in his tightly clenched fist.

"We got some stills from an ATM camera across the road from where Rebecca was last seen. I think you might want to take a look at them." He handed the envelope to Elliot who was closest to him, ducking out again to calls of 'thanks' from the detectives. Stabler shook out the contents onto the table Liv had previously been perching on. Fanning the grainy stills out so they could all look over them, his meaty finger landed on a figure who appeared in a fair few of the shots: Daryl Markson.

"Ok, let's speak to the captain and see what he thinks about picking him up. Surely with these, we have reasonable premise to talk to him as a witness if nothing else." Elliot felt a thrill of hope surge through him, even though the man they considered to be their strongest candidate for being the rapist was not particularly close to Rebecca in the photos. He was in the area around the time she was abducted, that was enough for Elliot.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday March 7<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.47**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

Alex sighed, leaning back in her chair, stretching out the aching muscles in her back for the first time in a number of hours. She scanned over the arguments she had prepared to counter the motion to dismiss she had been presented with, satisfied that it wouldn't just get the judge on the People's side but would blow the defence's claims clear out of the water. Her mind felt sharp, focussed and battle-ready, more so than it had in months. She wondered whether it was coincidence or whether clearing the air with Olivia had settled her sufficiently that there needn't be a section of her mind constantly chewing over their interactions. Whatever it was, she was grateful for it. There couldn't be a better time for her to be functioning at her optimum levels, not when she had Sam's murderer to convict, a paedophile to keep behind bars and soon, it would seem, a serial rapist to try. She glanced at the clock on her office wall, double checking when she saw the lateness of the hour. She had decided to come into the office after all. Once Liv had been called away, there was nothing to keep her at the apartment and if she were honest, she had no desire to stay there when it felt so empty, so lonely without the charismatic brunette there to keep her company. Remembering that she had offered to provide nutrition for the squad and surmising since she hadn't heard from the older woman that they were all still hard at work themselves, Alex dialled one of the many takeout restaurants she utilised, placing an order which should have something to please all palates. She arranged to pick up the banquet and then turned her attention to the remaining work she should get done. She reached for Jackson's notes, the copies of his diaries and journals that she had been wading her way through, laying a palm flat against the cover of the folder containing them as she braced herself to open it and resume her descent into the man's murky mind.

"_She was there again today, flaunting her disgusting desires in their faces and they're all completely oblivious to her subliminal brainwashing of their children. The dyke detective was by her side, talking about what it is to be a police officer and all the while, as the class watched her, I was watching SC, observing her undressing her latest fuck-toy with her eyes, right there in front of those innocent eyes. He's welcome to the dyke, I'll hand her to him on a silver plate if that's what he wants but SC is mine. She needs a man to show her the error of her ways, to show her that no matter what she thinks she can get from a woman, only a man can truly satisfy her. It is how it was always meant to be, the natural order of things. She will return to my side, be my wife, obey me, honour me until death us do part. If not freely, then by force if necessary but she WILL return._" Alex's stomach churned as she read the extract, noting that although reference was made to O'Keefe's interest in Olivia – the 'dyke detective' – nothing that they could use in court was written. Skipping forward a few pages, she started to read again.

"_He's getting impatient. His temper is rapidly shortening. He wants to use my SC to make that destructive bitch Benson pay for her sins against the young ones. He assures me it is necessary, that it will send a clear message to them both. I fear it is a test, that I am being tested to see if I am strong enough to sacrifice the one I love for the greater good, for the bigger cause. If God himself could sacrifice His Son then it is the least I can do. I will not fail. He has given me his price, a very fair price too considering what is at stake. It may take some time to find the money but it will be done. And the world will see that their behaviour is not acceptable, not right. We will not rest until God's will is done, until man lies with woman and woman lies with man, without exception. May those who perish in this war against perversity rest in peace in the light of God's forgiveness._" Feeling her stomach roil increasingly the more she read, Alex toyed with the idea of calling it quits. With no small trace of reluctance, she pressed on, skimming forward another few pages, her blood running cold as she read the entry she had stopped on.

"_Today is the day. The day that judgement shall be passed on those who stray from the path of what is good and true and right. Today the blood of one shall be spilled for the good of the many. He promises me that the message will be heard, that it will be impossible to ignore. He promises me they will listen and they will pay for their sins and the world will know the price of refusing to follow God's law. She will be seated with the Father after repenting her sins or she will burn for eternity in the fires of Hell but that can no longer be my concern. I must do my part for the cause. I have sacrificed my heart before, it is time to do it again. It is time._"


	49. Chapter 49

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**A little shorter chapter than normal but it was a good place to stop and I wanted to get something online for you all sooner rather than you having to wait probably until weekend. Still, shorter (hopefully) doesn't mean skimping on quality! Lol. Glad you all enjoyed the last one (I suspect Liv & Alex did too!) and for those interested, my concert last Sunday was amazing! Fantastic fun.**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday March 7<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**20.22**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

Alex strode confidently into the bullpen, shoulders slumping imperceptibly as she saw no sign of Liv there.

"Counsellor, to what do we owe this pleasure?" Munch enquired as he spotted the tall, elegant attorney.

Alex hoisted the bulging bags of food she carried onto the nearest available surface. "I thought you might all be in need of some sustenance to keep you going. Are Elliot and Liv out?"

"They are, trying to hunt down Markson. Captain agreed to let us talk to him after photos from an ATM showed him near to where the latest victim was last seen," Fin supplied, wandering closer, drawn by the tantalising scents of the food Alex had brought with her. "Mind if we don't wait for them to get back before we dig in? I don't actually remember the last time I ate!"

"Not at all, help yourselves. There should be plenty to go around so just leave whatever you don't eat somewhere for the others, ok?" Alex requested, turning to leave.

"Why don't you join us? Or have you already eaten?" Munch invited, pulling a chair out for the generous young woman who had become an integral part of the unit once again since her return.

"I should probably get back to my office, try to get some more work done," Alex hedged, clearly reluctant to just drop the takeout and run out again.

"What will it achieve if you're too tired to concentrate on the work you're doing?" Munch pressed, taking a gentle hold of the young woman's elbow and guiding her into the chair. He shifted his hand to her shoulder, patting it in an almost fatherly fashion. "Let me make you a drink of something."

"No!" Fin jumped in, "let me make you a coffee or you'll never sleep again after drinking one of Munch's poisonous potions."

"You wound me!" The sergeant mimicked mortification at his partner's words.

"Don't tempt me," Fin drawled. Their playful banter garnered a tired smile from the silent blonde.

"Are my two detectives bothering you, Counsellor?" Captain Cragen asked from his office doorway, roused from his desk by the aromas drifting in.

"Not at all, Don. They are very kindly arguing over who will make me a drink in return for my providing them with a meal. You're welcome to help yourself too, I brought enough for all of you." Alex went to rise again but was prevented by Munch's hand returning to her shoulder, keeping her seated.

Leaning in close, he murmured quietly to her, "Liv could use a friendly face when she gets back and you look like you could use a break yourself. Please, Alex, just stick around for a little while. If they're not back in half an hour, I promise I won't try to prevent you from leaving again." With a silent nod of acquiescence, Alex leaned back into the chair, allowing herself a few moments to switch off from the deranged ramblings she had been reading.

"I know we can't know details but how is the case going with finding the person or persons responsible for the bombing? Any closer to getting a name yet or making an arrest?" Captain Cragen asked, perching on the corner of the desk opposite where Alex sat.

"There are some developments, yes. I'm fairly confident that we know at least one person who was fairly directly involved in instigating the attack and there is a lot of evidence to trawl through to see if we can tie our other main suspect to it as well," Alex responded evenly, feeling the beginnings of a headache threatening to set in from the pulsing in her temple. Absently, she reached up to massage the area, knowing that realistically it would do no good but the action making her feel like she was doing something to try and alleviate it.

"That's positive then," Don supplied eying the young woman worriedly. "Make sure you let Carmichael take on the bulk of the work once she gets back, let her pull her weight for a while." When Alex glared at him obstinately, obviously about to protest her abilities to manage the increased workload just fine, he beat her to the punch. "I'm not saying you can't handle it by yourself but why run yourself into the ground when you don't need to? Alex, as your friend – and I hope I can call myself that – I don't want to watch you burn yourself out trying to be all things to all people. No one expects you to be superhuman except yourself. You're there for Liv, supporting her whenever and however she needs it, you're putting in a lot of hours on the Camanetti case and you're still the lead ADA on all our cases too. That's an awful lot for anyone to juggle so when you have the opportunity to share the load, grab it with both hands. Take it from someone who learned the hard way."

"He's right, Alex. Last thing any of us want is you making yourself sick – after all, we might get Grayleck back again or something in your absence and believe me when I say _none_ of us want _that_!" Munch quipped semi-seriously as he delved into the cartons of takeout to see what Alex had brought them, groaning with joy as he saw his favourite food amongst them. "She certainly wouldn't bring us such a sumptuous feast and definitely wouldn't make sure to include the best dish amongst her wares."

"Move your scrawny ass aside and stop hogging the food," Fin grumbled as he placed a freshly brewed mug of coffee in front of the ADA. He too dug into the bag of goodies, honing in on his own preference like a heat-seeking missile. "You're a princess, Alex. Appreciate this," he informed her genuinely before moving off to his desk to devour his pick.

"You're welcome and thank you for the coffee," Alex replied, cradling the mug between her palms and breathing in the aroma coming from the dark liquid within.

"S'all good," Fin rejoined around a mouthful of noodles and stir fried vegetables.

"Come and get some, Don, while it's still warm. Liv and Elliot can always warm theirs up later when they get back," Alex stated, gesturing to the microwave which sat on the corner of the bench housing the coffee pot.

"Or alternatively, we can let Mr Markson wait in the interview room for a few minutes to consider his options while we grab a bite," Olivia called as she swaggered confidently into the squad room, Elliot and their suspect trailing in her wake. "Be a good boy, Stabler, and show our guest where to go. I might even save you a few scraps when I'm done eating." Clearly, Liv had taken Huang's advice to heart and was intent on goading the chauvinistic man as much as possible. There was the definite bonus of getting a little of her own back as well for the way Elliot had treated her over the last few weeks, giving him a taste of how it felt to be belittled and patronised.

"Yes ma'am," Elliot replied deferentially, playing along with the ruse that he was the submissive partner in their duo.

Markson mumbled a string of expletives as he was led from the room, a few of which reached Olivia's ears and had her struggling to suppress her grin as he appeared to be rising to their bait. The way his eyes locked onto Alex, pupils expanding as they swept over her lithe form, concerned her sufficiently for her to step in front of the younger woman, shielding her from his view. It was one thing to put herself in his sights but she was damned if she would let him fixate on Alex.

"Keep walking," she growled menacingly, watching in satisfaction as Elliot 'assisted' Markson on his way via a strong hand to his shoulder.

Alex was touched by Liv's protectiveness, having felt uncomfortable under the suspected rapist's scrutiny. She reached out and briefly brushed her fingertips over the small of the brunette's back to let her know she appreciated her gesture. Once Markson was safely out of view, Alex drew Liv's attention to the bags of food she had provided for them all. "Grab something to eat while it's still vaguely warm at least, Liv."

"Thanks, 'Lex. You didn't come all the way down here specially to bring us this, did you?" Olivia enquired warmly, squeezing Alex's forearm as she leant over her to reach into the bags, foraging amongst the remaining cartons of food.

"No…I was in the office, doing some work so it wasn't out of my way to grab some food for everyone. It's the least I can do for all the hard work and long hours you're all putting in," the attorney explained, ducking her head to avoid Liv's piercing stare at the mention of her going into work. The brunette peered into the bag, seeing a single carton remaining, obviously intended for her partner.

"Where's yours?" she asked the younger woman with feigned nonchalance as she went to fetch a couple of forks, not trusting her dexterity with chopsticks when she was so tired.

"I'm not hungry, I'll fix myself something when I get home later," Alex assured her friend with a casual shrug of her shoulders. Her expression turned perplexed when the brunette held one of the forks she had retrieved out to her.

"Share with me? That way, I won't feel guilty for eating and I'll be satisfied you've at least had something to eat. Not that I don't trust you but I don't trust you!" Liv quipped with a rueful chuckle.

"Gee thanks for the vote of confidence, Liv," Alex grumbled half-heartedly, dipping the utensil into the carton and spearing a small chunk of the sweet and sour sauce covered battered chicken. Liv simply responded with a playful wink, scooping some of the free food onto her own fork and devouring it with gusto.

"Cabot, I could kiss you if that's lo mein I smell," Elliot announced as he strode swiftly back into the bullpen. Two blonde eyebrows almost crawled into an equally blonde hairline in response.

"You'll do no such thing, Stabler unless you want Kathy to skewer your balls to the wall when you get home!" Liv threatened, the look on her face assuring him that she was deadly serious.

"I said I could, didn't say I would," the swarthy detective defended himself, turning away from his grouchy partner to offer his sincere thanks to their ADA. "Thanks for this, Alex, my stomach was beginning to think I'd forgotten where my mouth was."

"Pity your brain didn't do the same," Liv tossed out absently before scooping more chicken into her mouth. Fin, Munch and Alex each laughed a little at the banter between the partners, grateful to see normal service being resumed with them. Even Cragen cracked a smile, hoping that their team could move past their recent difficulties and continue working together as smoothly as they had in the past. Elliot looked a little taken aback by the acerbic wit dripping from the attractive brunette's mouth before shaking his head a little and turning his attention to his own food silently.

"You're all welcome. Enjoy it and don't do anything to get a confession out of Markson that I can't use in court, ok?" Alex cautioned, gathering her purse and making to leave before anyone could stop her.

She made it as far as the corridor to the lift before Liv had tossed her takeout onto the nearest desk and raced after her.

"Hey, you ok?" she called, concerned with the abruptness of the younger woman's departure.

"Yeah, just…I should get back and you all need to get on once you've eaten. Best I leave you to it. Will I see you at…the apartment later?" Alex had only just prevented herself from calling it home, even if she did think of it as _their_ home now and not just hers.

"Probably not, I'm afraid. I think we're going to want to make the most of the time we have with Markson before he decides to up and leave and then we have other avenues to look into after that. We can't afford to take our time with this guy. I'll just grab an hour or two in the crib if I get chance. Please tell me you're heading home now and not planning on going back to your office," Liv pleaded, worried that her friend would be alone in the building with the exception of the security guard.

"I'm just going to nip back and grab some stuff to take home with me. That way, if I don't want to head straight into the office in the morning, I can do some work from home instead." Alex paused, eying her friend with a frown before asking, "Liv you're… you're not avoiding coming back tonight because of this morning are you?"

The uncertainty in the young blonde's voice and her worried expression broke Olivia's heart. "No. Allie, look at me please, so you can see I'm telling you the truth when I say that that is the furthest thing from my mind. I would much rather come back to your apartment, sit with you and share stories of our evenings over a glass of wine or a beer until we both unwind enough to get some rest. I just don't think I'll be in a position to get any much time away before the early hours of the morning and it seems pointless travelling uptown only to have to come back a couple of hours later. Plus, me coming in at that time is likely to disturb you and I don't want to do that, you need your sleep."

"So do you, Liv. Please try to get a few hours, at least." Alex acquiesced to Liv's need to remain at the precinct, satisfied that the older woman wasn't attempting to avoid her.

"I will," the brunette detective murmured softly. Stepping closer, she pulled Alex into a tight hug. She whispered into her ear, "I'll miss you tonight."

Alex felt her stomach flip over at the heartfelt statement, gripping Olivia just that little harder, pulling her in as close as she could possibly bring her without physically sharing the same skin. "I'll miss you too," she admitted through the lump in her throat. Drawing away, she brushed a tender kiss across the smooth olive skin of Olivia's cheek, surprised when the detective captured her face and pressed a quick kiss to her lips in return.

"Let me know you get home safely, ok? I don't care whether you text or phone and leave me a message but let me know somehow, yeah?" Liv requested quietly. Alex nodded once to acknowledge she would comply and then stepped on to the elevator, eyes locked onto Olivia's own until the doors closed completely.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday March 7<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**21.31**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"So let me get this straight, Mr Markson. You're expecting us to believe that you just happened to be in the area where this girl was last seen? And that it is merely coincidence that you were also in the vicinity of the previous two attacks as well?" Olivia scoffed sceptically. "And those are just the ones we know about."

"I can't explain it any more clearly than I already have. I had business in those regions. It is unfortunate that my travels coincided with those poor women's troubles but that is all it is; a coincidence. Beyond my being nearby, do you have anything linking me with their attacks? Do you have witnesses? DNA? _Any_thing?" Markson asked, an almost smug smirk toying with his lips as though he knew full well they didn't have any of those things to tie him to the rapes.

"Perhaps you'd be willing to volunteer to take part in a line up so that those women who were attacked could rule you out as a suspect?" Elliot suggested amicably, trying to illustrate his supposed support for the vile man.

"So that they can pick him out and we can fry his ass you mean?" Liv barked with a sneer in Markson's direction.

"I have nothing to hide. Unless they choose to lie, none of those women could say they saw me attack them." Again, Markson dodged denying involvement without actually claiming he hadn't raped them. Each of the women who had survived their attack had failed to describe their assailant, some having been taken from behind, others having suffered too traumatic head injuries for their memories to be intact. Still Liv felt it necessary to try to plant just a tiny seed of doubt in his mind.

"Are you so sure of that that you'll do the line up? Are you absolutely certain not one of them caught even the slightest glimpse of you while you raped and sodomised them over and over and over again?"

"Detective, I think that's enough," Elliot stepped in.

"No, it's not and you don't get to tell me when to stop. You answer to me, not the other way around," Liv hollered, warming to her role. "Where were you, Markson, on February 17th, February 3rd, January 20th, January 6th and December 23rd?"

"I'm afraid you'll have to be a little more specific if you wish me to answer, Detective Benson. There were 24 hours in each of those days. I couldn't possibly account for my whereabouts for all of those for every date with any reliable accuracy. And you seem like a stickler for those pesky little details." Markson sat back in the rickety plastic chair, arms folded behind his head as though he had not a care in the world.

Releasing a feral growl, Liv leaned right into his face, hissing, "Stabler, deal with this asshole before I wipe that smug smile off his face permanently. I'm going doing some real police work and find a way to prove this piece of garbage raped every single one of those women and murdered Rebecca Harbourne." With a final slap of her palm against the scarred vinyl table top, Liv stalked out, spinning and slamming the door behind her and taking a position on the other side of the one-way glass window to watch the remainder of the interview.

"I'm sorry about her, she gets a little…involved in the cases sometimes, loses perspective," Elliot claimed, feigning an apologetic tone very convincingly.

"You always let her speak to you that way? Macho guy like you…what are you ex-Marine?" At Stabler's nod, Daryl continued, "you a DADT washout? That why you're so pussy-whipped?"

"She's my superior officer and a good cop. I take what she dishes out because it is my choice not to rock the boat. I like the job I do and I wouldn't want to be shipped out because of her having the boss's ear. Who knows, maybe one day the tables will be turned and I'll have the upper hand over her, then she can get a taste of what I've had to put up with." Elliot rested his bulky forearms against the table top, hands clasped together, proudly displaying his wedding ring. "I can assure you, I'm more than man enough for my wife."

"That so? Seems to me like you're just itching for an excuse to teach Detective Benson a lesson in a way your wife wouldn't approve of," Markson hypothesized, tilting his head as he considered the brawny man in the room with him. "Perhaps she ought to look a little closer to home for this rapist she seeks."

"Oh I get enough action at home not to need to look elsewhere. I think my five kids are testament to that," Elliot bragged, inflating his importance and manliness.

"Maybe you should invite a colleague or a friend to pay your _superior officer_ a little visit then, to remind her of the importance of respecting those around her." Daryl's pale blue eyes lighted on Elliot's scowl, attempting to read the emotion behind it. "What? You don't think she's overdue a little education?"

"I think you need to remember that you're in a police station and that making…suggestions like that could lead to misunderstandings which only make you look a better prospect for the rapist she is so desperate to bag herself," Stabler cautioned, glancing towards the door as though expecting his partner to burst through it at any moment.

"Then perhaps I should take my leave before I give her reason to follow through on her previous threat against me."

Elliot shrugged. "You're free to go any time, Mr Markson. There's nothing I can do to stop you if you choose to go, but I can't promise it won't make Detective Benson even more determined to prove you're the man she's hunting. You know how women can be once they get an idea in their heads."

"Even so, I've answered the questions asked of me to the best of my abilities. I really do feel like I should leave now but you know where I live if you need to ask anything else," Daryl offered, rising to his feet, his intentions clear. By the time they cleared the interview room, the audience in the observation room had dissipated back into the bullpen.

"Leaving so soon, Markson? Well the women did say you couldn't last more than a few seconds at a time," Liv goaded as she saw him.

"That mouth of yours might get you into trouble one day, Detective, if you piss off the wrong guy. Lucky for you I'm a forgiving man, willing to rise above your petty taunts. Good luck with finding your attacker." Elliot ushered Daryl out, leading him to the elevator. Markson's insipid eyes lingered for long moments on the brunette woman who had shown him such ill-regard, staring at her until he was physically forced to look away when he rounded a corner and she was no longer visible. Liv managed to suppress her involuntary shudder until he had gone. She had to wonder if she hadn't just pulled the tail of a very dangerous dragon.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday March 8<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**23.42**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"Find me something more than circumstantial evidence and a hunch to connect Markson to these rapes or I can't get you a warrant to search his house, no matter how strong your belief is that he is behind this latest attack and the other five as well. He has reasonable and plausible explanations for his being in the vicinity of the attacks. We need fingerprints, DNA, some sort of incontrovertible forensic proof that places him actually at the scene of at least one attack at the time the attack took place. Find me that smoking gun and I will get you a warrant to search for the evidence to link him to each and every one of these crimes." Alex implored the detectives of the SVU squad not to blame her for being unable to present the case to a judge in its current state, knowing that they were all getting pressurised to put the latest perpetrator of sickening crimes behind bars before he had a chance to snatch another victim. The MO was unique enough to be indicative of a serial rapist rather than multiple perpetrators and whilst he was escalating in frequency and violence, the lack of evidence to point to any suspect was still frustratingly consistent. Despite working almost around the clock since Rebecca Harbourne's body was discovered, they had been unable to unearth the crucial evidence they needed to prove Markson was guilty of any of the attacks.

"So we revisit the evidence, we look at it again and see what we might have missed, we lean on the lab and get them to put a rush on any results they haven't let us have yet. But we do all this tomorrow. All of you, get some sleep, rest up and come at it tomorrow with fresher eyes. You've all been here for over 24 hours straight." Captain Cragen instructed his team, watching them all sag under the weight of the attorney's admission that they still had work to do to make their case against the strongest suspect they had. He watched over them in a fatherly fashion as the men trooped to their respective desks and grabbed their jackets, preparing to head out and follow the informal order issued their way. His one female detective, as stubbornly resolute as ever to solve the case regardless of the consequences to her own welfare, slumped into her chair, pulling photographs and reports towards her. Don frowned and shook his head at the sight preparing to physically remove the brunette if necessary.

"What can I do to help, Don?" Alex's soft voice brought the captain back to the realisation that their ADA was still in the room, standing with them in their attempts to put an end to this latest serial rapist's spree.

"Make sure Detective Benson gets some sleep. If she refuses to leave the precinct, make sure she at least catches some time in the crib." Olivia's head was bowed over the papers in front of her, eyes straining to focus on the details swimming over the pages. She was oblivious to her boss's words and to the concerned gazes of her colleagues.

"Right, give me the easiest job why don't you?" Alex quipped lightly with a roll of her eyes, worried about her friend, who she knew had not slept in at least 36 hours and even when she did sleep, it was still rarely truly restful.

"Liv, come on, leave those, we'll look at them again in the morning." Elliot attempted to prise his partner away from her desk, closing the file over which was lying open in front of her.

"You guys go, I'm just going to take another look over these. I'll grab a couple of hours upstairs if I need to." Olivia brushed off his concern, reopening the folder, leaning her arms on it to prevent anyone from closing it up again. Alex moved to stand beside Olivia's desk, leaning her hip against it and running a hand through the soft brown hair falling in a veil around the older woman's weary face.

"Want me to bring you a change of clothes and some decent coffee?" Alex's tone was intimate and soft, inviting the detective to relax. The attorney had decided in an instant that she would opt for a less direct method to encourage the dedicate detective to seek some rest.

"I wouldn't ask you to come back here, Alex, not until a decent hour in the morning. I'll be fine." Olivia sighed, fighting against the effect of Alex's fingers running through her hair which were creating in her a strong desire to simply close her eyes and drift on the sensation.

"You're not asking me to, I'm offering to. And while you insist on being here, I'm going to be here too so…coffee? And some clean clothes?" Alex continued to comb her fingers through the silky locks, oblivious to Elliot's taut expression.

"You're not meant to be encouraging her to stay, Counsellor," Elliot spat bitterly at the attorney, a muscle in his jaw clenching and unclenching.

"And you should realise that once your partner sets her mind to something, nothing will persuade her to change it, Detective. I can merely see to it that her needs are met in the meantime – all of her needs, whatever they might be." Alex's eyes bore into the concerned gaze of Olivia's professional partner, willing him to understand she was attempting to make it impossible for the woman not to sleep.

"Alex…" Olivia attempted to protest to the blonde woman's insistence that she would remain in the precinct along with herself but was cut off by the attorney.

"And you should know, Olivia, that I am equally as stubborn and resolute once my mind is made up so if you are planning on staying here tonight, you had better get used to the idea that you will be having company." Munch and Fin opted to slink out at that moment, claiming they were ducking before the fireworks began, matching smirks on their faces. Content that Olivia was in safe hands, Captain Cragen also bid farewell to the three remaining people and made his way out of the squad room.

"Well if you're staying, so am I." Elliot sunk petulantly into his own chair, folding his arms across his chest and watching the interaction between the two women opposite him carefully.

"No you're not. You're going to go home to your wife and children and you're going to get some sleep so I don't have to put up with your miserable ass mood tomorrow." Olivia's jaw was set as she looked directly at her partner. "Don't you dare waste a single second being here when you could and should be at home with the people most important to you. Get out of here." For possibly the first time, Elliot saw how much the loss of the woman with whom she had been sharing her life had cost his partner and just how much that day had wounded her soul. He realised that she was falling back into old habits, old comfortable routines for hiding away from life because of it and knew that it was pointless him trying to make her change her mind. He doubted Alex would be able to either but there was something about the way Olivia leaned into the blonde's touch, the way she seemed to melt under her gaze, the way she seemed to seek out the younger woman's approval and permission constantly that gave him some cause for concern. He hated to see anyone become dependent on anything and he feared that Olivia was becoming increasingly dependent on Alex…and that the attorney was encouraging that dependence, enjoying the feeling of being needed and the power she could wield over the brunette. With a resigned sigh, he rose again from his desk, gathering his belongings together and looking over to where his partner was sinking further and further into the gentle caresses being lavished upon her by their ADA.

"For God's sake, make sure you get some sleep too. I don't want to have to put up with a sleep deprived you tomorrow either." He fired his parting shot and moved to the doorway of the squad room, casting one last glance over his shoulder to where the two women remained, oblivious to his presence.

"Please Liv, come and lie down for a while. Even if it's just an hour or so, give yourself a break and come back to this after some sleep. You won't find anything with your eyes half shut and your brain in a fog." Alex slid her fingers from Olivia's hair and moved them onto the back of the brunette's tense neck, slowly, deftly massaging the muscles. She felt Olivia's head loll against her side in response, a tiny nod of acquiescence her reward. "Come on then, let's get you up these stairs before you're too tired to make it." Olivia rose to her feet sluggishly, steadying herself on the other woman's shoulders and looking into her hypnotic blue eyes.

"Lie with me?" The plea was whispered but heartfelt and Alex sensed Olivia's need to have someone near her.

"Any time, you know you only need ask," Alex replied, cupping the older woman's cheek tenderly before taking one hand in her own and leading the exhausted detective up the stairs into the crib. Elliot watched them go, an expression of disbelief on his face before turning on his heel and stalking out of the precinct, wondering what the precise nature of the relationship between the two women was, given his partner's easy acquiescence to the ADA's request. He vowed to keep a close eye on them and monitor their interactions for signs of an unhealthy attachment developing.


	50. Chapter 50

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**We've reached the half century and there's still life in the old dog yet! Quite a lot of it too it would seem! Might have to employ some folks to sell ice-creams and find a good place for an intermission. Lol. I was hoping to have this online earlier in the day but then the football (that's soccer to those in the US!) season kicked off between my team and our closest rivals - in the geographical sense that is! So yeah, I was distracted for a while! But hey, better late than never right?**_

_**Thanks for all the reviews on the last chapter, as always and a warm welcome to new readers. Thanks to ttandme69 for your dedication of reading all 49 chapters in such a short space of time (and everyone else who has achieved similar feats too), remarkable! And such a lovely review at the end of it as well, glad to have you on board reading :) That goes for everyone really. I doubt this story would be what it is if it wasn't for all of you who read, take the time to review, give me feedback on Twitter etc. You're all as much a part of this creative process as I am.**_

_**So, this chapter: Will Elliot wind his neck in? Will Markson target one of our leading ladies? Will Alex and Liv share any more moments? Why are you reading this when the answers lie below? ;p Onwards**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday March 8<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**23.58**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

Liv sat numbly on the edge of the cot in the empty crib, passively allowing Alex to strip her of her shoes and socks. The younger woman rose from her kneeled position on the floor, fingers straying to the pale purple button-down cotton shirt the detective wore, untucking it from her black pants and deftly popping the fastenings open to reveal a plain white tee beneath. Shucking the shirt from Liv's shoulders, Alex folded it neatly and placed it on top of the discarded shoes.

"Stand up for me for a second, Liv," Alex instructed softly, already moving into position to help the exhausted woman to her feet. As soon as she was clear to do so, Alex peeled back the blankets on the narrow cot, eying the space dubiously as she considered how cosy it was going to be to lie with her friend there but knowing she couldn't and wouldn't let the brunette down. "OK, I think it's best to leave your pants on but am I alright to take your belt off? I don't want it keeping you awake by digging in to you all night." As though acting on autopilot, the detective's hands fumbled with the fastening on her belt, falling aside when Alex's more nimble limbs took over the task made arduous by the overwhelming need for sleep.

"Seems I'm out of practice at this," Liv grumbled, words slurring slightly with fatigue.

"You're only just back on active duty and you dive straight into it by working, what is it, almost 30 hours straight now without a break. You are allowed to be tired, even if you do see yourself as some kind of machine that runs on pure coffee and adrenaline! Now lie down, close your eyes and rest. I'll be right here with you." Alex softly threaded her slender fingers through the silky chestnut locks of her close friend, soothing her into a semi-conscious state. The older woman turned onto her side, scooting as far over to one side of the cot as she dared go and held up the blanket.

"This is where you should be. You need sleep too and since you're possibly more stubborn than I am and refuse to go sleep in your perfectly nice, comfortable, spacious bed at home, the least you can do is humour me and lie with me here."

"I will, Liv. I'm just going to pay a visit to the ladies' room first but I promise I will be back in just a few minutes," Alex assured, with a gentle squeeze to the brunette's shoulder as she rose to leave.

"I'll keep the bed warm for you," Liv jested, eyes drooping under the weight of her need to sleep.

"Glad to hear that," Alex whispered warmly, smiling indulgently as she glanced over her shoulder before stepping out of the room and closing the door almost silently behind herself. She hurried to the ladies' cloakroom, using the facilities and freshening up as best she could with the limited amenities available to her. There was a definite nip in the air as she strode back to the crib, Spring not yet showing any signs of arriving and even some threat of snow falling within the coming week. She slipped her heels off as she reached the top of the stairs so she wouldn't disturb Liv in the event the detective had already managed to drift off to sleep. Cracking the door open just wide enough to get through it, Alex re-entered the crib, sending another adoring smile Olivia's way as sleepy brown eyes watched her approach. The curvaceous woman had turned over in the bed so that she was facing the doorway, as though waiting for Alex's return. Alex placed her pumps on the ground beside Liv's brogues, shrugging off her jacket and laying it on another cot nearby. She perched on the edge of that same cot, shedding her stockings, leaving her in just an ice blue shift and charcoal pencil skirt, having opted to dress for work when visiting the office even though she was doing so in her own time. Liv once again shuffled to the opposite side of the bed, still facing the door but vacating the spot she had warmed and offering it to the shivering blonde.

"Sweet dreams, 'Lex," Liv murmured dreamily as she wrapped the younger woman up in her arms, holding her close as she spooned her from behind.

"Sleep well, Liv," Alex responded softly, soaking in the warmth and security found in Olivia's embrace. Both pairs of eyes drifted shut, tender smiles tugging at twin sets of lips as sleep claimed the two justice seekers.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**07.03**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

Elliot took the stairs to the crib two at a time in his haste to find his partner. She had left a note for the detectives, obviously having spent more time working the case during the night, detailing a new theory which had come to her after a period of rest. At some point, Elliot guessed the need for sleep had overcome her again since there was no answer from either her cell or Alex's home phone, and so he was searching her out in the crib. He opened the door stealthily, not wishing to invoke the attorney's wrath if she had remained at the precinct all night and he woke her abruptly. The sight which greeted him made him stop in his tracks; Olivia lay on her side facing the door, arms wrapped tightly around the slender frame of their blonde ADA, spooning her from behind as Alex too lay facing the door. Both women were sound asleep, resting peacefully in one another's arms. Despite his own reservations about their closeness, even he had to admit they would make a stunningly beautiful couple from a purely aesthetic point of view. Recovering his senses, Elliot approached the cot on silent feet, moving around it to the side where his partner lay, precariously close to the edge of the narrow bed.

"Liv, time to get up, we got leads to follow up." Elliot whispered into his partner's ear, leaning over her. She stirred, pulling Alex in closer as she began to wake up.

"What time is it?" Olivia's voice was raspy from sleep.

"Just after seven, we need to get moving on these leads you found," Elliot supplied quietly, coaxing the attractive woman to get up.

"Gimme two minutes and I'll be down," Liv murmured groggily, wanting nothing more than to go back to sleep but knowing duty called and she must drag herself into the waking world. Alex stirred in the brunette's arms, the sound of voices pulling her from her own light slumber. Once again, Olivia cuddled the blonde woman closer to her, smiling softly as blue eyes flickered open. Elliot strode to the door, wanting to give his partner privacy while she collected herself enough to venture down into the bullpen. Glancing back he saw her drop a gentle kiss on Alex's temple and heard her murmur, "good morning, Al," as though waking up with the attorney in her arms was the most natural thing in the world. With a puzzled expression and a troubled mind, he turned to leave, stomping back down the stairs to where his colleagues were gathering.

"It'll be a good morning when we get some decent coffee," Alex exclaimed through a yawn. Despite the bed being narrow, the mattress lumpy and the blankets scratchy, she was reluctant to move from the warm embrace Olivia held her in. She knew the moment would be broken any moment however, having heard Elliot requesting the detective's presence downstairs.

"You stay where you are, catch a few more minutes sleep and I'll bring a coffee up to you, give you chance to come round properly before you have to face they guys," Liv suggested, swinging around to sit on the edge of the bed, wiping both hands across her face to rid herself of the last vestiges of her too short sleep. Alex turned over and propped herself up behind the brunette, draping herself over the broad, muscular shoulders and resting her chin in the crook of her neck.

"I should really get moving myself. I need to head home to shower and change before I go into the office and I have more than enough to keep me busy all day today. Hopefully, you'll be bringing me something to nail Markson with as well before the day is done so the sooner I can get a head start on my outstanding work, the less time it'll set me back when I need to draw up that search warrant. Let me know how you get on this afternoon, won't you?" Alex requested quietly, her breath tickling the fine downy hairs at the base of Olivia's neck and raising goosebumps in its wake.

Liv angled her body slightly, granting her a side-long view of the sleep-mussed attorney. Despite their surroundings and the circumstances, she couldn't help but reflect on how gorgeous the younger woman was, even when she was still wearing the previous day's makeup (or at least that which had survived the night) and a crumpled blue shell with dark grey skirt. "I'll let you know as soon as we have anything," she assured Alex, sending her a brief warm smile before glancing towards the door. Checking they had no audience, she leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to the shocked blonde's lips before dashing out to chase down the new avenues of enquiry she had discovered during her nocturnal restlessness.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**12.24**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

Mandy glanced up as Olivia bounded towards ADA Cabot's office, displaying the exuberance of a puppy.

"Good afternoon, Detective Benson," she greeted, smiling.

"Hi Mandy, am I allowed to disturb her today?" Liv teased with a grin of her own. "I need to ask her about a warrant."

"I've had no instructions to keep people at bay. Go ahead and knock yourself out," Mandy assured, waving the brunette on and turning her attention back to the screen in front of her. She vaguely acknowledged the hurriedly called 'thanks' as the detective whisked by.

Alex heard a firm knock on her door just as she was about to hurl her stapler through the nearest window. It had been trying her patience all morning, which was already stretched due to her heavy workload and her constant concern over how Liv was getting on at Sam's Will reading.

"Come in," she barked, wondering what more she was about to be expected to do.

A shaggy brunette head appeared around the doorjamb, followed by an athletic body. "Have I caught you at a bad time?" Liv asked tentatively.

"Liv! What are you doing here?" Alex cried, looking at the clock which hung on her wall over the door.

"I think we've got him!" the excited woman exclaimed, sliding into one of the seats in front of the attorney's cluttered desk. "Markson, Alex, I think we've finally cracked a way to prove it was him. In the early hours of the morning, I took another look at the trace evidence taken from each of the women's wounds, where they had been branded. There was the same type of dust in each of them. That in itself wouldn't have been enough to narrow the field, I mean dust is dust, it's everywhere, nothing special about dust. But this dust…_this dust_ had particles in it that could only be found in a few select locations." Alex listened, growing increasingly shell-shocked as Olivia rattled off scientific names for the aforementioned particles and which areas they were specific to and how that might be linked to Markson's line of employment.

"Ok…I'll talk to a judge and see what I can do to get a search warrant for any vehicles he uses for work and for the workshop he is mostly based out of," the attorney informed Liv carefully, knowing it would be less than the zealous detective was hoping for but also that it was all she was likely to be able to convince any judge to sign off on. "This is great, Liv, really it is but…aren't you meant to be somewhere?" Liv fixed Alex with a perplexed stare.

"Where else should I be but asking our ADA for a warrant so we can put a stop to this sadistic son of a bitch's escapades? And why such a limited warrant? Why can't we search any vehicle he owns regardless of what he uses it for?" The detective leant forward, forearms braced against her knees, hands clasped in front of her, brown leather jacket creaking as she moved.

"Because the evidence only links to his place of work and it is minimal at that, I'm afraid. Markson isn't the only one with access to the areas where this dust accumulates, I'm sure, and it will be a stretch if a judge signs off on a search warrant even for those places given that we can't prove he actually had contact with any of the victims, only that he was in the area a few of them were last seen. As for where else you should be…well…ummm…haven't Gina or Fausto called you?" Alex asked, face taking on a slight grimace as she anticipated Liv's response when she finally recalled the prior engagement she was inadvertently overlooking.

There was a moment when Liv's frown deepened along with her confusion, brain wracking why either of the Camanetti's would be calling her during the work day and then crushing, painful, heartbreaking realisation set in. "Oh God…!" The older woman lost all colour from her face, a groan bubbling up from her chest. She rummaged in her jacket pockets, pulling out her personal cell phone and cursing as she saw that the battery had died sometime after she had spoken to Gina the previous day, apologising for not being able to make it to lunch as planned. All thoughts of her late lover's Will had been banished from her brain by the overwhelming need to find sufficient evidence on Markson to prevent another woman being attacked.

Seeing the older woman's blind panic, Alex offered the use of her own cell phone so that the brunette could at least explain why she had been unable to make it to the reading and had failed to let them know she wouldn't be there.

"All I could think about was coming here, getting the warrant, seeing you. What kind of person does that make me? What does that say about how I felt about Sam? I won't blame them if they hate me and never want to see me again." Liv berated herself savagely, hands trembling as she reached for the proffered handset.

"It makes you human, Liv, that's all. It makes you human and it just means that you're dedicated to your work. They may well be upset you didn't let them know but once you explain the circumstances, I'm sure they will understand and realise that you meant no offence by not being there. I know that you certainly wouldn't have chosen not to be with them and if they understand you at all, they will realise that too," Alex attempted to reassure her dearest friend and prevent any further self-recrimination. "Give them a call," she nudged. "Talk to them, apologise and explain."

Shakily, Liv scrolled through Alex's list of contacts, finding Gina's number which the attorney had stored in there during the brunette's physical recovery period so that she could keep the Camanetti's informed of her progress. Sucking in a deep breath and attempting to ignore the almost violent churning of her stomach, Liv punched the button to make the call, listening with an ever increasing sense of dread to the ringing at the other end of the line.

"_You have reached the messaging service…_" Liv tuned out slightly as the mechanical voice drawled the instructions into her ear, composing herself mentally in preparation for the apology she needed to make.

Upon hearing the beep in her ear, Liv began tentatively, "Gina, it's Olivia. I am so, so sorry I didn't make it today and didn't let you know I couldn't be there. I…my cell phone died and I got caught up in a case at work. I totally lost track of time, not that that's any excuse but I just…I just had to ring and apologise as soon as…I realised." Liv opted to diplomatically avoid mentioning that it was Alex who had reminded her and that had she not, she would still have been none the wiser about her faux pas. "I'll speak to you later, hopefully. I'm going to put my phone on to charge as soon as I'm back in the squad room so you can get me on that number if you want me but I completely understand if you don't…want to talk…now or well, at all really." With a sigh, Liv signed off, "I hope you're both as alright as you can be expected to be after today. I hope…" She faltered, not wanting to marginalise their suffering by telling them she hoped it hadn't been too painful. Of course it would have been painful. It must have been excruciatingly painful to listen to remnants of their daughter's life being divided up between those she had cared about. "Well, I just hope you're ok."

Alex rounded the desk seeing the tears forming in the detective's doleful hazelnut eyes. She stood beside the older woman, sliding an arm around her shoulders and offering what small morsel of support she could. She gently extracted the cell phone from Liv's hand, tossing it carelessly back onto the desk to her right, more concerned with comforting the still grieving woman beside her. Bringing her right hand around, she cupped Liv's cheek, stroking it softly with her thumb and encouraging her to rest her head against her washboard stomach. The brunette wrenched herself from Alex's grip, rising to her feet and bolting for the door.

"I can't do this…I can't be here. I'm a worthless piece of crap, incapable of having any kind of true feelings about anyone else. How could I forget? _How_ Alex? How could I have been so intent on seeing you, even if it was because of a warrant, that I _forgot_ that I was supposed be at my murdered fiancée's Will reading? What kind of bitch does that make me? I need…I…I'm sorry…I've got to go…I've got get back. I'll… I'll…I'm sorry, I've got to go," she babbled, clearly agitated and fractious, almost like a wild animal trapped in an enclosed space for the first time.

"I'm not stopping you from leaving Liv but I won't let you hate on yourself, especially not for all the wrong reasons. You came here because you are a dedicated, diligent, professional police officer and you want to stop a rapist from hurting any more women. Had it not been for this case, for your passion for your job, there is no way in the world you would have overlooked something so important to you. And make no mistake, it is hugely, vastly important to you, despite what you might think right now. If you cared so little for Sam, and for Gina and Fausto too, you wouldn't be hurting like this at what you see as letting them down. If she meant nothing to you, the fact you hadn't made it wouldn't raise any kinds of anxiety in you at all. It's not like you came here, knowing where you should have been, for a midday fuck or a make-out session. It was _Detective_ Benson who was driven to come here by her lifelong vow to serve and protect the people of New York." Alex could see the words penetrating the anguished fog surrounding Olivia's mind. The older woman's demeanour swerved from anger at herself to devastation.

"What do I do to convince them I still care about her? That I always cared about her from the moment I met her? Did I ever tell you how we first met? Before the Eddie O'Keefe case?" Despite her pressing workload, Alex realised that her friend needed her. Unable to ignore the call, she simply shook her head, perching on the edge of the desk, listening to how Samia had approached Liv's table in a club, seeking shelter from a particularly aggressive suitor. The circumstances, the way Liv had taken the young woman under her wing and made sure she wasn't hassled further by the woman she had been trying to shake off was so typical of the brunette that Alex couldn't help but smile. "I think a part of me knew that night that Sam was someone special, someone who could change my life, change me. I think that's part of why I didn't phone her afterwards. She scared me, deep down, because somehow I realised she was different from the other women I'd had flings with. I think I understood that if I chose to pursue a relationship with her, it would force me to address my hang-ups around commitment and my reluctance to settle down with anyone. And then our paths crossed again at the school. After what happened to Eddie, I didn't want to be alone and Sam was there. She was there and instead of being scared by how much that meant to me instantly, I finally understood what it was to have that constant, unwavering support to share the burden with. And I realised that I didn't just want it, I _needed_ it. I needed her. She was so innocent, so naive, so intent on seeing the world through positive eyes, it was as though that was the exact balm I needed to balance all the darkness and cruelty we see every day in this job. Instead of my job driving a wedge between us, it made me appreciate her all the more." As she finished speaking, Liv slumped back against the doorframe, mirroring Alex's pose against the desk unconsciously. "I'm not sure I know how to find that balance without her to help me."

Alex was across the office in an instant, standing before the solemn brunette and reaching out to grasp one of her calloused hands between both her own. "You let your friends, those of us around you who care about you, help you to find it. You've let someone in past your defences once, you know you can do it again. Let us help by giving you a nudge when you're sinking too far into that murky blackness and by us offering you a reason to pull yourself out of it. None of us can promise to be like Sam was, we've all seen too much of the same things you have for that, but there are other ways we can be there for you. There are other ways _I_ can be there for you, if you'll let me be."

"I don't deserve you. I didn't deserve Sam and I don't deserve you…this," Liv protested quietly, blinking back more tears.

"You deserve every good thing that comes to you and a whole lot more besides." Seeing the older woman about to protest, Alex insisted, "you do, Liv. With every fibre of your being, you deserve to be loved, to be happy, to be able to leave the stresses and strains of your work behind so you can better cope with them during the times you have to face them on the job. You deserve to have everything your heart wants, whatever that might be."

"Even if that's something I shouldn't want?" Olivia questioned timidly.

"If _you_ want it, it can't be wrong," the attorney affirmed, squeezing her friend's hand where it was clamped still between her warm palms. Watching the older woman take a moment to pull herself together, Alex realised that Liv was preparing to leave. "I'll call you as soon as I have a decision on that warrant. Am I likely to see you tonight?"

"I…honestly, Alex, I don't know. I feel like…I need to spend a little time with Sam. I know she's not there but I…I want to talk this…us…through there – is that weird?"

"No, honey, it's not. Promise me you won't stay out in the cold too late though. There's no telling when this snow they keep threatening us with might arrive." Alex released Liv's hand, stepping back to give the brunette opportunity to leave whenever she wished to.

"I won't. I actually thought I might go and visit Gina and Fausto this evening too, try to talk to them in person…and try to explain how I'm feeling to them as well. I think they have a right to know…about us. I need…I need to know they'll be ok with me…in the long-term I mean…exploring a new relationship. After the photograph incident, I feel like I ought to explain to them in person…I don't want them getting the wrong impression again and thinking I'm being disloyal to Sami's memory or like she was always just some temporary stand-in." Liv stepped forward, crowding back into Alex's personal space, slipping her arms around the blonde's slender waist and drawing her in close for a fierce hug. "I really do appreciate you…for everything you do and are to me. I just hope I can properly reward your patience with me when the time's right."

"Having you here, like this, is more than enough reward. Anything else will be a bonus if and when it happens. And if Gina and Fausto don't take it well, if they can't deal with you thinking about a future without their daughter… I'll step back at least for the time being, until everything is less raw and more settled. I won't cost you that family network you've found through them and their extended families, not when you've been without that for so much of your life," the attorney assured her, returning the hug and feeling a lump developing in her own throat at the thought of never being able to realise the attraction between them.

"Let's hope they don't try to make me choose, Al…because as much as I'd hate to lose them, the fact that I _have_ been without that type of close-knit family for so many years might make me more inclined to walk away from it if it meant sharing my life with someone who means so much to me. I'm not sure I can stand to lose you…lose this…not now that I know you have feelings for me." Liv pulled away slightly, keeping her arms loosely circled around Alex's waist. She leant her head in close, worshipping the lithe blonde's mouth with her lips, kissing her as though it might be the last time she ever had the opportunity to do so. Their tongues moved against one another, chasing and duelling with their counterparts alternately in a sensual dance of desire. Two pairs of eyes drifted shut, allowing the women to focus entirely on the feel of their melded mouths and the sensations the kiss triggered in each of their bodies. Liv greedily swallowed Alex's tiny mewls of pleasure, hands moving to caress her proud jaw, her finely sculpted cheekbones, to run through her silky champagne locks and cup the back of her neck. Alex's hands gripped tightly to the lapels of Liv's leather jacket, remaining there as though that alone was anchoring her in the sea of sensation threatening to wash her away.

"Wow…" the younger woman breathed when they finally broke for air, refusing to let go of the detective's jacket. Her head fell forward, forehead resting against one broad shoulder.

"Wow's right!" Liv chuckled, still cupping the back of Alex's neck with one warm hand teasing the fine downy hairs there, the other resting against the slight swell of the attorney's hip. "I'd better get back before they send out a search party," she sighed, knowing she was delaying Alex and therefore delaying their own investigation into Markson's involvement in the string of violent rapes.

"Liv?" Alex called as the detective went to open the door.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you…for not running and shutting me out," the young woman replied earnestly. Liv merely smiled genuinely in response as she slipped out of the door, closing it quietly behind her.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**15.57**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"Please tell me you got something from all that?" Captain Cragen requested as two of his detectives stalked back into the bullpen, faces wearing matching scowls.

"Nothing probative but the scope of the warrant didn't give us much to go on," Elliot grumbled.

"It's not Alex's fault that a judge wouldn't let us search for anything other than sharp, metallic objects which could have been used to brand the women who've been attacked. We knew when we asked for the warrant that it was a long shot. We still have to wait for the results of the rest of the CCTV footage from around where the women were killed. Maybe we'll get lucky and the same vehicle will turn up on a traffic camera in each of the locations," Liv reasoned, feeling a need to jump to her friend's defence.

"And maybe, if Cabot tried harder, she would have been able to secure a warrant to search for the bindings used on the women too. Maybe we could have looked for the barbed wire he tied them up with since there was rolls and rolls of that stuff in plain sight at Markson's workshop. Maybe by now, we might have been able to have that wire in for DNA testing," Elliot snapped back peevishly.

"And maybe you need to take a few moments in the crib to calm down, Detective Stabler," Cragen growled, intervening in the growing dispute. "Benson's right, we were fortunate to get the warrant we did. Anything else would have been thrown out as bootstrapping. The wire isn't unique to Markson's workshop and as you said yourself, it was lying around, open to anyone picking it up. I highly doubt that the rapist would leave the pieces he had used where anybody might find them. Not unless he is completely senseless. Take a break, Stabler. Get some sleep, hit the gym, I don't care but don't come back until your head is in the right place to focus on this investigation without slinging blame around your colleagues. Benson, Gina has left you four messages. Perhaps you should return her call."

"Another one of your women?" Elliot hissed as Don stepped back towards his office. "How many does that make? Sam, Alex and now Gina? Geez, Liv, I thought it was us men who weren't supposed to be able to keep it in our pants."

"Fuck you, Elliot," Liv spat venomously, eyes narrowed to furious slits. She stormed away from him after snatching her cell phone off her desk. Reaching the doorway, she spun around and bellowed across the room at her partner, "you're a bigoted, homophobic, insensitive dumbass. Gina is Sam's mother. Alex is my friend and colleague. Not that it's any of your business but I am not currently and have never screwed either of them. I thought you had at least a little respect for me but it seems I got that wrong. Just because I am open to relationships with women as well as men doesn't make me any more likely to sleep with every woman I come into contact with any more than you are. Don't make assumptions when you clearly know jack shit about me or my life." Without waiting for a response, she whirled back around and stomped out, needing to put some distance between herself and the ex-Marine before she physically hurt him.

Captain Cragen hollered at the brawny detective still standing in the middle of a bullpen shocked into silence. "Stabler, get out of here. You're out until at least tomorrow and you're only back in then because I need all hands on deck to catch this rapist. As soon as this case is done you and I are going to have a serious talk about your future in this unit and you _will_ be revisiting sensitivity training at the earliest opportunity. Do not attempt to contact Olivia and do not return to this precinct until nine am tomorrow. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes Sir," Elliot announced sullenly, snatching his jacket from the back of his chair, slamming files into his drawer and locking it. No one moved for long moments after his departure, still in shock from the blow up.

"Don't you all have things to do?" Cragen grumbled sternly prompting a flurry of action to begin once again.

"I'm gonna go check on Liv," Fin advised his lanky partner who was staring at the door with an expression of deep concern.

"Let her know we're not all assholes like Elliot for me, ok?" Munch requested, making it clear he had no time for the nonsense their colleague had been spouting.

"Sure will but I think she knows that already. Least I hope she does. Glad Dad kicked him out when he did, or I'd have busted my knuckles on his ugly ass face," Fin announced determinedly.

"Detective Munch, a word please?" Captain Cragen called from his office doorway.

"Wish me luck!" the tall, gangly sergeant muttered as he passed by Fin, their paths taking them in opposite directions.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**16.03**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

"_We have someone at the precinct willing to go on record about what went in on Jackson's marriage prior to his wife's disappearance. Figured you might want to be here for the interview,_" Morientes drawled down the phone-line to the ADA handling the case they were attempting to build.

"Who is it?" Alex asked, interest piqued.

"_The woman Mrs Jackson was having a relationship with before she left her husband,_" the detective advised, letting the implications make themselves apparent.

"She's not still with Mrs Jackson? She doesn't know where she is? Where she went after she left him?" Alex asked with a mix of incredulity and anxiousness in her tone, wondering what fate had befallen the woman.

"_Not asked her yet, Sykes told me to call you, invite you down here. Figure he thinks she'd be more comfortable talking if there's a woman in the room,_" Morientes explained brusquely. "_Can't say I'd blame her for that either, if her record's to be believed. She's had her own fair share of domestic callouts from uni's over the years 'til she left her own bastard of a husband. Her ex was a police officer himself, sounds like he knocked her around on a regular basis, might be that commonality that drew her to Shona Jackson in the first place. You know, recognise a wounded soul when you see one. Upshot is, she doesn't have much reason to trust cops._"

Alex had been about to jump on the detective, assuming that he was being a little disrespectful but felt her irritation recede as he explained her circumstances. "Ok, I'll be there as soon as I can. Where is she at the moment?"

"_Sykes has got her holed up in one of the interview rooms with a cup of coffee and a Danish left over from lunch today. He explained that we're contacting you to see if you're available to sit in when we talk to her so she doesn't get spooked. She seems real jumpy._" Alex once again assured the man that she would make haste to their precinct to avoid keeping the potential character witness waiting any longer than was strictly necessary. Hanging up, she dialled Mandy's extension from her desk phone, explaining that she would be out for a few hours so the assistant would need to take messages until the end of her working day. After receiving assurances that everything would be handled, Alex packed a legal pad, some of Jackson's notes and her trademark black-rimmed glasses into her attaché case, slipped on her beige raincoat and fastened the belt to keep it closed. Just as she was about to step out of the door, her cell phone rang once again.

"Cabot," she barked impatiently, striding down the corridor and punching the call button for the elevator with the hand gripping her case.

"_Alexandra, that's no way to answer the telephone to your aunt!_" At the imperious tone which drifted through the phone-line, Alex only just suppressed the urge to roll her eyes and groan out loud.

"Aunt Helen, I'm afraid now is not a good time to talk. I'm just on my way to a meeting at the police precinct." The attorney kept her tone cordial but aloof as she stepped onto the elevator, selecting her destination and leaning back against the rear wall.

Her aunt made a sound of distaste in her ear at the thought of her visiting such places but kept her counsel about her niece's choice of career. "_I'll be brief, then. James – you know James Rutherford - has been taken ill. He was due to be the key note speaker at Friday's charity dinner in aid of the Dream-makers Foundation. I know you had declined to attend but I'm afraid I really will have to insist you reconsider now in light of the circumstances. You are, after all, co-Chairperson of the Foundation, so it falls to you to take on the duties James was scheduled to perform. I'll expect to see you this Friday, no later than seven pm. Will you be bringing a guest or shall I arrange for a gentleman to meet you there to escort you?_"

"No…no need to arrange an escort. I have a… There's someone I have in mind to bring. Is Mr Rutherford in a position to email me the notes on what he was planning to talk about? So that I can prepare something along similar lines and utilise some of the information I'm sure he had gathered regarding the performance and achievements of the Foundation this last year." Alex stifled another groan, knowing that it would be an evening full of inflated egos, patting themselves on the back and congratulating themselves for the paltry difference they had made through financing events such as that one. The fact that the real hard work, the real achievements had been made by those on the ground, dealing with the hardship cases who were offered the opportunity of a lifetime, the terminally ill kids who were granted one final wish, the young carers who were allowed to be children and teenagers for a while through the Foundation's projects seemed to pass them all by. That was precisely why Alex had opted not to attend in the first place, preferring to organise her own luncheon to recognise those she considered to be the real heroes without whom the Foundation would flounder, no matter how much money was poured in from the overly rich elite looking for a tax break.

"_I look forward to meeting this mystery young gentleman on Friday. I do hope he's better than that last cretin you deigned to bring. I'll speak to James on your behalf and ask him to send you whatever information he has that he was planning to use. And, of course, you have the financials from the last fiscal year. We're all counting on you to make a good impression, Alexandra. Please try to keep to the pertinent facts for the duration of the address. Our guests don't wish to hear about the dirty, sordid details behind the need for the Foundation._" Without another word, Helen disconnected the call. The ending was so abrupt that Alex actually pulled her cell phone away to check whether her signal had dropped out but found it to be sufficient to still have maintained reception. Not for the first time, she thanked her stars for having seen enough of life to know there was more to it than the money and greed which so consumed many members of her family, immediate and extended. Now all she had to try and do was persuade Olivia to accompany her to the evening fundraiser.


	51. Chapter 51

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Thank you, as always, to everyone who is reading this story, especially those who take the time to review and share their thoughts with me. A big 'hi' and a wave to Dee Hensley for making the long trek through the wilderness of this tale to catch up on all chapters to date! Great to hear what you think and thank you for the kind comments :)**_

_**So this one is a shorter chapter (booooo, yeah I know, I'll try harder next time) but I thought where it ends was a good place to wrap up this installment...I hope you'll agree when you read it. The next chapter will hopefully be online by the end of the week/early weekend - the muse is on a roll with ideas flowing (keeps her away from battering those mindless morons rioting into submission!) Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**16.11**_

_**Manhattan 1-6 Precinct**_

"There you are, Liv," Fin exclaimed, finally having located the errant detective on the roof.

"Cap'n send you up here to fetch me so he can chew me out for that spat with Elliot?" Olivia asked, arms wrapped around herself in an attempt to shield her body against the brisk, icy wind.

"Nah, I came to see how you were doing after Stabler showed himself to be a prize ass," the ex-narcotics detective announced, pausing a moment to look over his colleague. "So how _are_ you doing? You want me to go round his house and let the tyres down on his car? Put sugar in his fuel tank?" Fin settled beside Liv, arms braced against the short railing around the edge of the roof, providing anyone who ventured up there with some semblance of security against falling over the side.

"Nice offer…but no, thanks. Elliot needs to work this out for himself. He needs to figure out on his own that I'm… still me, that I've not changed just because he now knows I share my bed with women. If he can't… well I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, won't we? I don't want either of us to have to leave the unit because of this. I don't want to break up the team like that but I won't stand by and just take whatever he feels like dishing out, whenever he feels the slightest bit insecure or pissed off. What next? Let him suggest that I'm sleeping with Alex in return for warrants? Or perhaps he might like to imply that I'll sleep with a victim to get her co-operation on a case?" the brunette ranted hotly, still fuming from her altercation with her partner.

"I doubt he'll do any of that. We're all tired, we're all running on empty and it's absolutely no excuse for him making you out to be some kind of bed-hopping womaniser but once he's got some sleep, I'm sure he'll be falling over himself to apologise." Fin risked a side-long glance at the older woman, seeing the deep lines of fatigue around her eyes. "You called Gina back yet?"

"Not yet, no. I wanted to calm down a while first. Last thing she needs to deal with today is my bad mood."

"Yeah? What's up with today in particular?" he asked gently.

"It was Sami's Will reading. I was supposed to be there but I missed it…because I was at Alex's office getting that warrant when I should have been there," Liv supplied sombrely, letting her head drop until her eyes were fixed on the ground beneath her feet. Without speaking, Fin wrapped one well-muscled arm around his colleague's broad shoulders, pulling her into his own body in silent support.

"If they love you at all, they'll understand you would have been there if you could have been." He was getting the sense that there was more to the brunette's distress than missing her late fiancée's Will reading. "You don't believe they'll hold it against you because you had to do your job, do you?"

Liv shook her head, leaning into the casual embrace and attempting to stifle a yawn. "Not really, no. But…I need to talk to them about something else which will be harder for them to hear. That…I'm scared that might make them want me out of their lives. I don't want to hurt them. I don't want to lose them but I owe it to…myself and to everyone involved to be honest with them."

"You want to talk to me about it? It could be a sort of dummy run in preparation for talking to Gina," Fin offered in his quietly spoken way.

For long moments, Liv was silent, mulling over the invitation and whether it was a good idea or not. Before she had chance to decide either way, her cell phone rang again. She snatched it from her pocket with a hint of desperation, brows knitting in confusion as she saw a name she didn't expect on the caller-ID. For a split second, she considered letting it go to her answering service but then opted to bite the bullet. "If you're calling to defend your husband, this is going to be a very short conversation," she barked as the call connected, drawing raised eyebrows from Fin.

"I wouldn't. Not if he said to you half of what he told me he had," Kathy Stabler assured her other half's partner, with whom she had had a tempestuous relationship over the years the detectives had worked side by side. "Are you ok? I mean aside from being spitting mad at my stupid, brainless, witless wonder of a husband? I've made sure he knows he was in the wrong and that he's sleeping on the couch, for the foreseeable future, until he's got over himself. I thought we'd got past this with him, I thought he'd seen sense and realised that who you date is none of his concern."

"I'm fine, Kathy, just disappointed in him," Liv replied noncommittally, not wishing to give away just how hurt she had been by the insinuations Elliot had made in front of everyone in the squad room.

"And you've every right to be. I just…I wanted you to know that this isn't my doing. This is not coming from me and that stupid jealousy I carried for far too long about how close you two are. This is all him and while I can't condone what he has said or the way he keeps on behaving with you, I do know that it is coming from his love for you. You're like a sister to him, Olivia. He wants you to be happy and have someone who loves you, he just doesn't know how to reconcile that with the bigotry he was brought up to believe." The long-suffering wife attempted to explain, if not justify, her husband's actions.

"You're right, nothing can condone his behaviour these last few weeks. I'm sorry Kathy, I know you mean well and please don't think that I hold it against you in any way but this time it's going to take more than an empty apology and a photograph for me to forgive him. I trusted him but I can't do that blindly any more, not if he's not willing to respect me. If he wants my forgiveness, he'll have to earn it, along with that trust and you can let him know it won't happen overnight." The two women ended the call with Liv agreeing it was alright for Kathy to keep in touch with her, as long as she wasn't going to try and force the brunette's hand with regard to her husband.

"I'd better get back before Dad gets even more mad. You gonna be ok?" Fin asked quietly, realising the moment for Liv to confide in him had passed.

"I'll be fine, yeah. I'm just going to give Gina a quick call and let her know I'll call round to see them later then I'll be back down." Liv pulled in deep lungs full of frigid air, welcoming the icy chill as it froze her heart, sealing the emotions inside and allowing her to re-build her defences. Fin watched the transition, shivering a little as he saw her gaze harden, the light dimming in her expressive brown eyes and the shutters coming down to mask the true woman beneath the facade. With a final glance to assure himself she would genuinely be ok, Fin turned and strode from the roof.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**16.34**_

_**Midtown South Precinct, West 35**__**th**__** Street**_

Alex strode confidently into the squad room, eyes scanning the crowded room for the detectives working Samia's case. Catching Morientes' eye, she followed his casually thrown direction towards the interview she presumed was housing their witness and the lead detective. Stepping up to the plain wooden door, its blind closed to keep out prying eyes, she raised her fist to knock. She had barely made contact with the frame when the door swung open and she was admitted inside. Her gaze was immediately drawn to the young woman seated at the table, a crumpled tissues slowly being shredded by anxious, fidgety fingers. Her oriental descent was obvious from the almond shape of her dark brown eyes and the sleek dark hair, so dark it looked almost black, which hung in straight tendrils to the middle of her back. Flawless olive skin covered her thin, exposed arms, the same accentuating her beautiful face. And there was no mistaking that she was a beautiful woman. It wasn't hard to see why any woman, or man for that matter, would be drawn to her instantly. Realising she was staring, Alex mentally shook herself and cautiously approached the clearly agitated young woman.

"Hi, my name's Alex Cabot. I work for the district attorney's office. The detectives asked me to come and sit in while they talk to you about Shona Jackson. Is that ok with you?" The lithe blonde kept her expression soft and compassionate, a trick she had mastered over her years working with the Special Victims Unit, honed by close observation of Olivia, who was a genius at putting people at ease.

"It's fine. I just…after all these months…I hoped she'd just got away. He killed her, didn't he? That bastard husband of hers finally went and made good on his threat, didn't he?"

"We don't know for certain where Mrs Jackson is at present and we have no evidence to prove that she has come to any harm. Let's start at the beginning shall we? Can you tell us your name?" Detective Sykes probed gently, settling his bulk into a chair at the furthest corner from where the delicate woman sat, doing everything in his power to appear non-threatening and unintimidating.

"Of course, I forget my manners. My name is Tian Mei," the lady replied deferentially.

"That's a beautiful name, Ms Tian," Alex responded genuinely, feeling an almost instant affinity with the timid woman.

"Thank you, Ms Cabot," Mei smiled softly, eyes flicking up to meet the cool blue ones gazing at her from across the table. It was not often that Westerners knew how to address her correctly and the fact that this lady from the DA's office did served to settle a few of her nerves.

"Ms Tian, could you tell us how you first came to know Mr and Mrs Jackson?" Detective Sykes asked, pen poised over his notepad ready to make the copious notes he sensed would come from this interview.

"Mrs Jackson, Shona, used to shop at my parents' convenience store. It was just a few blocks from where she worked so she would stop by a couple of times most weeks on her way home to pick up groceries. I was usually working on the shifts she came in. One day, I was having to clear up a display which had been knocked over by a naughty child who threw a tantrum in the store and Shona offered to help me. I declined but she insisted that it would take less time with both of us re-stacking the cans. We started talking as we were working and discovered that we had a lot of interests in common; painting, music, books, a love of art exhibitions. There was one exhibition in particular opening a few weeks later which I had been hankering after visiting, a local artist whose work I'd seen on many occasions before and always found fascinating. I thought Shona would appreciate it too so I invited her to come along with me. She refused, told me she was married and her husband didn't like her being out without him more than was strictly necessary. Warning bells rang in my mind but I put it down to an overreaction because of my own history – I married when I was very young, a supposedly good man whom my parents approved. Fortunately, they are not so traditional that they forced me to stay with him when he hospitalised me after beating me with his night stick." Mei explained, watching the two other occupants of the room for their reactions. The brawny detective's expression remained inscrutable, giving nothing away, though the slight clenching of his jaw did give her some hope that he was not unaffected by the knowledge of her abuse at her husband's hands. The attorney was another matter entirely. Her gaze hardened, eyes turning the colour of steel as she listened to the violence meted out to her.

"So you suspected from the start that Mrs Jackson's husband didn't treat her the way he should have done?" Alex asked, voice just as steely as her eyes.

"I suspected that he was domineering and liked to have control over her, yes but as I say, I passed it off as being coloured by my own experience and didn't press for more information. Not then, at least. I didn't see her for a week or so, my shifts changed so I don't know if she still came in or not but the next time I did see her was the day after the exhibition. I had bought a souvenir booklet which gave details of the pieces on display as well as photographs of most of the works. When Shona arrived at the cash-desk to pay for her groceries, I offered to lend it to her so she needn't miss out entirely. As she went to take it from me, her shirt sleeve rode up a little way, the cuff receding enough to show a brief flash of a nasty looking bruise around her wrist. I felt her freeze as she realised I'd seen it and tried to cover it as a foolish accident on her part but that was unmistakably the result of her being grabbed tightly. You could see the outline of the person's fingers. No one else was in the shop so I asked her if she was ok, if she needed help to get out of a bad situation. She flatly denied anything was wrong and invited me to mind my own business. I apologised, for overstepping the mark but told her that if she ever reconsidered, I knew what it was like and would help her to get away just as I had escaped from my own nightmare marriage. For weeks after that, whenever she shopped at our store, she barely spoke to me beyond the requisite small talk about her groceries but something about her spoke to me and I watched her closely. There were so many times when I would see hints of fading bruises inside the collar of her work shirt, around her wrists, one time there was even a bruise she had tried to cover up on her cheek. One day she came in, earlier than usual I recall, and I noticed that she was deliberately slow in gathering her usual items, as though she was waiting for something. The store emptied except for the two of us and she finally approached the counter. A single, fleeting look into her eyes and I knew she was ready to accept help – not just ready but desperate to. I locked the shop up and brought her through to the back, to the store room. I sat her down and made her some herbal tea and waited for her to be able to tell me what had happened to prompt her to seek my assistance. Gradually, she told me how she had refused to allow him to have sex with her the previous evening. She was on her period and didn't want to but he claimed that there were other holes he could…penetrate despite that." It was clearly difficult for Mei to talk about what Shona had described to her but her two interviewers remained silent, allowing her to tell the tale in her own time. "He forced her…into having anal sex even though she tried to stop him every way she could. In the end, she struggled that much that he tied her up. She was sick from getting herself in that much of a state but he just kept doing whatever he pleased, saying that she had no right to stop him, that she'd consented to this the minute she had married him and signed the register. She lay awake all night waiting for him to start again. He refused to untie her until morning, said he didn't want her getting ideas she could deny him his right to access her body any time he pleased." Alex made a sound of utter disgust, unable to disguise her automatic reaction to hearing a man treating his wife as an object for his pleasure and service alone. Mei flashed her a brief look of understanding before returning her gaze to the scarred table top between them. "I asked her if she had been checked by a doctor to make sure there was no damage which needed treating but she refused and became quite hysterical at the prospect of someone examining her. I couldn't do anything for her except hold her and reassure her that I would help her. She insisted on leaving then, on going back to him, saying he would be more dangerous if she didn't. I advised her to start emptying her bank account a little at a time and to keep the money somewhere safe, where it couldn't be traced. I didn't ask where she was planning on hiding it, I didn't want or need to know. I told her about some friends of mine who could move her to another state without any trace - probably not entirely legally I'll admit but for women who know their lives are in danger from their husbands it is a literal lifeline." Mei took another pause to re-order her thoughts, again grateful that there was no prompting from her audience.

"Over the following weeks, she visited more often, stayed longer when there was no one else in the store and even helped me serve customers or stack shelves on a few occasions. Her husband was starting to question her about where she was spending her time, what she was doing when she wasn't home with him. From what she told me, I got the impression he was putting her under more and more pressure, his jealousy was spiralling out of control. She mentioned that she was taking the maximum she could out of her account and that she had enough money to see her through at least a couple of months without having to find another job. She was that concerned, that _scared_ by him, by what he was becoming and she had no idea why or how to stop it from happening. She told me that he wasn't the man she had married, that she never would have married him if he had shown any signs of being like that when they were dating or engaged. I think the last straw came when he brought another man home with him, a man who wanted to film her having sex with her husband. She didn't know this other man and there was no way she was agreeing to it but between them, they subdued her and tied her to the bed. She sobbed on my shoulder as she told me what they had forced her to do, what they had filmed her being made to do. She cried herself to sleep in my arms in the store room. I only just held myself together long enough to get her comfortable then I ran into the restroom and was sick over and over and over again. I vowed that I wouldn't let her go back to him, that I would do anything to prevent her from being put in danger by him again. I took her home with me, I let her sleep in my bed while I watched over her from the chair but I fell asleep and when I woke in the morning, she was gone. That was the last time I saw her."

"Ms Tian, Mr Jackson is under the impression that his wife was engaged in a relationship…with another woman and that she ran off with that woman when she disappeared. Therefore I must ask, were you in such a relationship with Shona Jackson? Or do you know of any woman she may have been conducting an affair with?" Detective Sykes asked as gently as he could, not wishing to insult the witness if Jackson had managed to grab hold of entirely the wrong end of the stick.

"Shona…was a complex woman. Some days when she came into the store, she would be overly flirtatious with me, other times she was almost aloof and abrupt. The more cruel her husband came to be, the more she craved someone to show her at least a small amount of affection. She mistook my offer of friendship for something more and one evening, she kissed me, in the middle of the store. Anyone could have seen it. It only lasted a few seconds, I pulled away as soon as I realised what she was doing. I explained to her that I couldn't be with her that way unless it was because she wanted to be with me and not because she wanted _not_ to be with her husband. We were just friends, nothing more right up until she disappeared." Mei resumed fidgeting with the tissue in her hands until Alex reached over and placed one of her own atop the restless limbs.

"No one is going to hold you responsible if you had feelings for Shona Jackson which went beyond the realms of friendship, Ms Tian. We're not here to judge you. We simply want to get to the bottom of what happened and how it might relate to the death of another young woman." The attorney gave a slight squeeze with her palm before retracting it once again.

"I didn't…I'm not like that…I wouldn't take advantage of her. I…I liked her, a lot and I may even have loved her in some way but it was the sort of platonic love a woman can have for a close friend or a relative. I had no interest in sleeping with her and she certainly wasn't in any sort of place to explore a physical relationship of any kind given what she was being put through. If Jackson deluded himself into thinking she and I were having some sordid affair behind his back then that is entirely what it was: a delusion. Nothing more, nothing less." Alex felt her soul die a little at the realisation that this whole travesty could very well have been the creation of a drug-addled, paranoid mind alone, with little to no foundation in reality.

"And you never heard from her after that night she slept in your bed? She never came by the store again?" Detective Sykes enquired, flipping over to a new page in his notebook having been furiously annotating the tale the young woman had to tell as she spoke.

"Not once. I even mentioned it to a patrol unit who called in one day a couple of weeks afterwards but he told me I didn't have enough cause for him to investigate her as a missing person. All I know is she was there when I fell asleep in that chair at around two am but gone by the time I woke up just after seven the following morning. If she went back to him, after spending the night away, I honestly believe he was capable of killing her. That's why I was so determined to get her out of there and move her somewhere he couldn't find her. I hate that I failed her."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**18.47**_

_**Samia Camanetti's memorial stone**_

"Hi sweetheart. I'm sorry I haven't been by in a while. It's not because I haven't been thinking about you. I have, honestly I have." Liv knelt on the ground, absentmindedly fingering the flowers she had left the last time she had visited. "I feel like everything's changing around me, Sami. Like I'm the centre of this whirlpool with nothing to hold on to any more. I lost my anchor when I lost you and I…I've felt like I was drifting without anything to stop me from being pulled under. I've never known pain like this, never experienced anything that came close to this sort of agony and no matter what I do, it never eases, never fades. Even now, there are days when I have to force myself to get out of bed in the morning. I can't go back to our home, to our apartment, I hope you understand that. I just can't cope with being in that space I shared with you and not have you be there anymore. I know we weren't living together for long but honestly, you're the first person I've actually wanted to share a home with and you made it so easy to live with you. Alex has been great, opening her home to me and making me feel welcome there for as long as I need to be and I know I should move on, I know I should look for a new apartment of my own and let her have her space back but, honestly Sam, the thought of going back to an empty apartment scares me. Who'd have thought I'd do such a complete turnaround hey? That's what you did to me, honey. You showed me what life could be like if only I stopped being so stubborn and let people in a little. You changed me, so much, and I'm not sure I want to go back to how I used to be, if that's even possible. I'm not sure I want to leave Alex's as much as I know I should. I like sharing her space just as much as I loved sharing ours with you. I remember what you told me, in the diner, just before…about wanting me to go on and find someone else to love, let someone else love me in return and I know you wouldn't have imagined it happening so soon or like this but…but I do love her, Sami. I don't think I ever really stopped loving her from when I first realised it before she went into Witsec but when I met you, that love got superseded by my devotion to you, to what we built together, to the person I could be when I was with you. And then Alex came back. I was never unhappy that I was with you, please never think that I was settling for you because I couldn't have her but there was a part of me I guess, buried deep inside which always wondered 'what if', a tiny part of me that regretted not taking my chance with her. Why am I telling you all this? Well, because it looks like I haven't missed my chance with her entirely. We've talked…a lot over this last few weeks and…she loves me too, like _loves_ me, loves me. I'm terrified and elated by that all at the same time. I want to give her everything she deserves. I want to make her feel as special, as loved, as cherished as you made me feel and I hope I made you feel too. I want her to experience what real love can be like. But I'm not sure I can let you go enough to do that, not yet at least. When I stop to think about it too closely, I hate myself for betraying you, for betraying our love as though it _was_ just some temporary stop gap like your Mom suggested. She saw a photo of Alex that looked just like you did on Venice Beach and she thought I'd been using you as a stand-in until Alex was available for me to make a move on. I never really appreciated how similar you two looked until it was there in front of me like that. Maybe that was why I didn't tell you to keep moving that night in the club. Maybe that _is_ why I was instantly attracted to you. Maybe I was looking for a replacement for Alex. I know I still missed her terribly. It was hard enough for those hours I believed she had been killed in the shooting but I think that at least would have allowed me closure. Just like knowing you're gone and I'll never see you, or get to hold you again, or kiss you, or make love to you forces me to move on from what we had. My heart won't survive if I don't. I know that without doubt because until I met you, I existed in a living death, held in limbo knowing the woman who held my heart was out there somewhere, that she might come back to me one day and if she did I'd want to be able to profess my love for her. I was younger then, I had more energy to focus on my job. I had the possibility of being a mother. I had my responsibilities to the victims who deserve justice. And I still have the job but somehow, my fire for it has dimmed. I've made my peace with never being a mother, I think," Liv swallowed, feeling a lump forming in her throat and a deep ache in her heart belying her words, "at least enough to be able to live with myself if it never happens for me. But to go the rest of my life without love? That I know I can't do. And as much as I want to, as much as I know I should wait and hope that Alex doesn't find someone else, I'm terrified that if I do, if I don't take this opportunity with her, I'll lose my last shot at sharing life with someone so very special. It…I…I honestly believe it's my last chance at seeing if the attraction between us is as strong as it feels, that it's now or never…and I can't live with never. I…I'm sorry sweetheart. Sorry that I lost you, sorry that we couldn't celebrate a future together, sorry that I'm leaving you behind but I will _never_ forget you and I will never appreciate what I had with you any less. I promise that, no matter what, I will still come and visit you whenever I can and that I will always carry you in my heart. You'll always be a part of my future every bit as much as you're part of my past. I love you, Samia Camanetti and letting you go is the hardest thing I have ever had to do…even though I know I must and I will. I am. Rest easy my sweet, sweet heart and take care of those around you wherever you are. Let them know your light, your goodness, your kind spirit." The brunette wiped her tear-streaked face with both hands before pressing a kiss to her fingertips and brushing them across the cool, marbled stone marking her fiancée's memorial. "Goodbye, my love," she whispered brokenly.


	52. Chapter 52

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**First up, apologies to anyone I made cry/teary with the last chapter...and a disclaimer that I can't promise you can put your tissues away just yet! I had intended to move the plot along a little in this chapter but once I got to writing, it turned out Gina and Fausto had more to say than I anticipated. So whilst this is a fair bit longer chapter than the previous one, it still centres around the same day as the last chapter. Maybe next installment, the muse will let us see what's in store the other side of midnight and beyond!**_

_**Next up, the much deserved thanks to all of you for reading this, especially those who take the time to let me know what you think, either by way of a review, a message or on Twitter. I really do love all your feedback and take any comments, suggestions or reservations onboard when muse and I sit down to write. Welcome to new readers & reviewers, welcome back to those who've been with this a while and let's all throw a party for making it through over three hundred thousand words! Whoooo, long voyage this is turning out to be!**_

_**And so, without further wittering, onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.39**_

_**Fausto's restaurant, East 4**__**th**__** Street**_

By the time Liv had walked the four miles to Gina and Fausto's restaurant, she was freezing cold and soaked to the bone from the sleet which had begun to fall not long after she left the memorial park. Her feet were so chilled they were partially numb and her leather jacket was doing very little fend off the biting cold night air. She decided that she had no desire to traipse through the main body of the restaurant, looking like a drowned rat and feeling as emotionally drained as she was, and so opted to tread the familiar path down the side alley to the side door. With a little effort, she raised a weary hand to knock leaning heavily on the surrounding stonework for support as she waited for someone to answer.

"Olivia! Oh my goodness, dear girl, get yourself in here!" Fausto fussed, unusually flustered by the brunette's appearance. "Come, come, sit by the fire while I fetch some towels and find Gina." He steered her into the living accommodation attached to the eatery, guiding her into a chair which he pulled right up close to the roaring open fire. "Stay here, warm up a little and I'll be right back with my wife." The older man bustled off, marching through their home as though on a military route march, hollering his wife's name as he went.

"For the love of God, man, what is the emergency?" she bellowed when the two finally met in a hallway a short way from the lounge where Fausto had left their daughter's fiancée.

"We have company. She's frozen and soaked and looks like Death himself is on her heels," Fausto supplied quietly.

"Olivia?" Gina queried, wanting to be sure. Her husband nodded, slipping around her generous frame and ducking into the bathroom to retrieve some towels from the closet. Gina relieved him of them as soon as he exited, taking it upon herself to play mother hen to the woman who seemed lax at taking care of herself. "Why don't you put some of your soup on to heat up? I doubt she'll have eaten and that will warm her and give her nutrition without over-facing her." Fausto nodded his agreement, hurrying off in the direction of their own kitchen to do as he was bid.

Gina strode into the lounge, tossing the towels onto the floor in a heap beside the fireside chair, eyes immediately alighting on the slumped form of her pseudo-daughter-in-law. Liv was leant forward as though she wanted to hug the flames, arms wrapped around her upper body as shivers raced through her. "Let's get some of those cold, wet layers off you, shall we?" the matriarch cooed, treating the brunette as she would her own daughter, helping her out of the sodden leather jacket, so damp it looked almost black. Her button down shirt beneath it had faired almost as badly with large patches of water-logged cotton clinging to Liv's upper back, where the sleet had fallen down the neckline of her jacket, and a panel down the centre of her torso from where she had neglected to fasten her coat. "This needs to go too, honey," Gina advised softly, unbuttoning the soaked garment and helping Liv manoeuvre her arms out of the sleeves, leaving her in a plain pale green tank. Goosebumps erupted over every inch of exposed flesh, telegraphing the brunette's need for heat. Unfolding one of the large plush bath sheets Fausto had retrieved, Gina carefully wrapped it around shaking broad shoulders. She rubbed her hands up and down the younger woman's upper arms for a few moments, creating friction and generating a little additional heat. After a moment, the older Camanetti woman glanced at Olivia's boot encased feet. Despite the blackness of the plastic uppers, she could easily distinguish water marks where those too were soaked through. With a heavy sigh, she set about unfastening the zippers on each boot, tenderly instructing Liv when to lift her feet to aid her relieving the detective of her footwear, the soggy black socks following suit and being laid out to dry on the hearth. Another large, fluffy towel was wrapped around the frigid extremities, tucked in tightly to create a cosy cocoon. "I think your pants are not too bad, if you're more comfortable leaving them on?" Gina asked, clutching at various parts of the leg material, checking there were no horrendously damp spots.

"They're fine…" Liv insisted, reaching for Gina's hands and stilling them with her own, clinging on to them fiercely. "I am so sorry for not being there this afternoon. How are you and Fausto holding up?"

Gina rose to her feet, shoulders sagging at the reminder of where she and her husband had spent part of their day. She perched beside Liv on the chair arm, using a hand towel to pat the brunette's hair dry, or at least drier than it had been. Liv leant into the tender touch, relishing the feeling of being taken care of in such a maternal fashion. Even as she allowed herself to enjoy it, her heart ached at the realisation it might be the last time she would get to experience such things with the affectionate Italian.

"We are as you'd expect I suppose. Just as you start to think the wound is healing a little at least, along comes something else to remind you that you're not getting over her loss after all. Hearing her life being reduced to a bank account and a meagre collection of belongings… Well, a large part of me is glad you didn't have to go through that as well." Gina wrapped an arm around Liv's shoulders, pulling her in close and holding her tightly to her, aiding the warming process with her own body heat as well as drawing her own comfort from the embrace.

"I wish I had been…for you, so I could have supported you. I…I shouldn't have let myself get caught up in the case…" Liv murmured regretfully.

"Nonsense," Gina blurted, interrupting the younger woman before she could offer any further self-deprecating excuses. "You were doing what you had to, what you must do to keep people from being harmed by evil ones such as those who took Samia from us. My baby girl would not have wanted it any differently. She knew you took your work very seriously when she ventured into a relationship with you and she admired you all the more for your dedication to the job." For long moments neither woman spoke further, simply resting against one another in quiet solemnity.

Fausto strode into the room carrying a folding card table under his arm and all the makings of a place setting in his hands. He passed the cutlery to his wife for her to hold while he erected the makeshift dining table. Without a word, he swiftly placed everything where it should be. Liv looked between the table and the two parents, protestations dying on her lips at their matching expressions of determination. "Don't you think to argue with us, young lady. It's just a bowl of soup and a bread roll, nothing fancy but will warm you better than most other things I know. I'll get you an Irish coffee to go with it, that should guarantee you thaw out in no time," Fausto announced gruffly, clearly not intending on taking no for an answer.

"I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of this," Liv complained plaintively, head dropping forward.

"Why? Why would you say that? What would make you think you don't warrant being cared for like a decent human being?" Gina questioned hotly, rubbing one hand in smooth circles across the taut line between Liv's shoulder blades, trying to soothe the tension she felt there.

"Because… because…" The brunette's heart hammered in her chest, pulse thundering in her ears as her breathing grew shallow and the world began to recede in a cloud of white. "Because I love someone else," she managed to force out in between shallow pants, determined to see the conversation through and not submit to the panic attack threatening to overwhelm her.

Gina let go of her as if scalded, standing abruptly from the chair arm. "This was going on before my Sami died? You were having an affair?"

"No!" Liv cried desperately, tears streaming over her cheeks once more as she struggled to explain the dilemma she found herself faced with. "No, I would never do that to Sam. I… There's… It's complicated." Liv took a moment to compose herself, sucking in deep, slow breaths and releasing them steadily as her PTSD counsellor had taught her to do. Charitably, despite their anxiousness to know what was going on, Fausto and Gina kept their counsel, choosing to wait for further explanation before jumping to any more conclusions. "You were some way to being right the other day, Gina, about Alex. I had feelings for Alex long before I met your daughter, feelings that never amounted to anything because Alex was shot in an attempt on her life. She was pronounced to the world as having been killed but was really put into the Witness Protection Programme, had to leave everything behind – her job, her family, her friends, her entire life, without the chance to say goodbye – for years until the man responsible was killed and the threat receded. I buried my feelings for her even though I knew she was alive and out there and might possibly return some day but I never really moved on…not until I met Sam. Your daughter… your beautiful, angelic, miraculous daughter taught me how to not just love again but to _live_ again too. And I was so very happy with her, even when Alex came back into my life, I wanted for nothing beyond that which I shared with Samia. No matter what else you might think of me, please, please don't doubt that I truly love Sam and I always, _always_ will. She was quite possibly the most remarkable, most genuine, most selfless person I have ever had the good fortune to meet. That day…in the diner…before she died, she made me promise her that I would let myself love again, that I wouldn't use her death as an excuse to hide away from all the good that life has to offer. I think maybe she knew… that I still had strong feelings for Alex even though I had never and would never have acted on them while I was with Sam."

"You think she gave you her permission, her consent, to follow what you felt for Alex? What you _feel_ for Alex?" Gina asked, her voice no more than a whisper.

"In her own way, yes, I think she was," Liv replied equally as quietly, visibly trembling as she laid her heart on the line and exposed herself to rejection from the closest thing she had ever known to a real family. "I don't imagine she envisaged it happening for a long time after she was gone and if I'm completely honest, neither did I, but I can't help the way I feel for Alex any more than I could help how I feel about Samia."

"How can you be so sure you're not just transferring your feelings for Sami onto Alex? They look so alike, I can see how you would do that," Gina persisted, struggling to comprehend what the curvaceous brunette was trying to tell them.

"And I would think the same…had I not felt this way about her for a very long time. Until very recently, even though I acknowledged I had stronger than just friendship type feelings for Alex, I assumed nothing could come of them, firstly because as far as I knew she was straight and totally uninterested in pursuing any kind of relationship with me or any other woman. Secondly, latterly, I was the one who wouldn't, couldn't, didn't have the drive to act on it…because I was so besotted, so smitten with the woman I was already in a relationship with. Had Sam survived, I'm confident we never would have been having this conversation. I would have married her and made it my life's work to keep her as happy as I possibly could. But unfortunately, I can't do that. That chance has been stolen from us much like I thought my chance with Alex had been taken by the bullet which 'killed' her for so long. How long do I wait for that last chance to be snatched away as well? No matter what you think of me, I can promise you that no one could hate me more than I hate myself for even considering a life without Sami in it."

"If Alex loves you, she would wait forever for you," Gina argued sourly, the conversation physically paining her.

"That's a little unfair, to expect them both to simply exist in an agonising state of limbo until you're ready to accept that Olivia must live her life for the future now," Fausto suggested, attempting to placate his wife.

"And you're ok with her moving on to someone else? Doesn't it seem like she's casting your daughter aside as soon as another good looking woman shows an interest?" the matriarch spat back, crowding her husband as her temper threatened to spike.

"What I see is a woman whose heart is too big to be spending a life alone pining for a love she can't have and another she daren't allow herself to pursue. What I see is a woman clearly struggling to make sense of what has happened, find some kind of peace with it and honour our daughter's final wish for her, no matter what the personal cost to herself. What I see is a young woman giving us the gift of her honesty despite knowing what she stands to lose if we cannot find it in our hearts to give her our blessing. Part of being in a family is accepting that we might not always agree with the decisions of those we care for, nor may we always understand or accept them, but also realising that it doesn't ever change the depth of our love and respect for them. Love and the expression of it should never be used as an excuse to divide a family. To do so undermines the very fabric of that love." Fausto stepped towards his daughter's fiancée as he spoke, pulling her to her feet and wrapping her in a firm embrace. "Give her time," he whispered into her ear. "She'll realise, when she's had chance to digest it, that this is what you need to do." Pulling away slightly, he announced in a clearer voice, "you will always be welcome in my home, Olivia, as one of my family. No future relationship you choose to explore will change the fact that you are one of us now."

Expectant eyes turned towards where Gina remained rooted to the spot. She wore an expression of deep sorrow, eyes filled with a pain which tore at Liv's soul. "Gina…please…don't shut me out," she pled, voice cracking with emotion. "Even if you need to scream at me, curse me out, hell even hit me, please do whatever you need to do but don't shut me out."

"I'm sorry…I…I can't…I'm sorry, I can't," the older woman cried as she turned and fled, sobbing, from the room. Liv stood, shaking, eyes fixed on the door Gina had disappeared through, heartbroken expression on her face.

"Sit down, Liv. Let me fetch that soup for you and you can eat and warm up properly while I go and talk to my wife."

The brunette allowed herself to be manoeuvred back into the chair before offering feeble objections. "No, I should go, my being here is only hurting her more."

"It's doing no such thing. The situation is hurting her. The Will reading today certainly hurt her. You are not hurting her by trying to do what you must to survive. But you cannot survive on love alone, so you'll eat soup, you'll warm by the fire and once your clothes are dry, you will go find your Alex and show her you love her." Fausto swept out of the room without giving his guest the opportunity to reply, leaving her little choice but to stay where she was. Suddenly, despite the fire roaring in the grate, that soul-deep chill had returned which would not be thawed by any amount of flames or hot food.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.47**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

Alex wearily threw her pencil down onto the jotter protecting the surface of her smooth, rich mahogany desk, blowing out a tired sigh and rubbing her hands over her face. She hadn't heard from Olivia since the woman had left her office earlier in the day and while she was anxious to know the older woman was alright, she was also loathe to contact her for fear of appearing overprotective or too clingy. As though summoned by sheer will, her cell phone began vibrating, travelling in tiny increments across the polished wooden surface. She snatched up the tiny device, glancing at the caller ID display and trying not to sound as disappointed as she felt when answering the call.

"Abbie, hi! What can I do for you?"

"_Hey Alex, I just wanted to let you know that things are pretty much wrapped up here – at least from a preparatory point of view – so I'm heading back to New York. I've got a seat on the Red Eye so the Texan will be back in town by breakfast time! You up for an early morning meeting over coffee and bagels? I figured you could catch me up on the latest developments in the case and then while you're doing your day job, I can catch a few hours sleep before I touch base with Detectives Sykes and Morientes._" Abbie's voice sounded buoyant down the phone line, as though she was well-rested in preparation for her travels despite having been working hard.

"Umm yeah…yeah I can do breakfast. I have a court appointment tomorrow afternoon, need to persuade a judge that a real, sick piece of work deserves to stay behind bars and shouldn't be let out on a technicality," Alex replied, knowing her fatigue was seeping into her voice. "What time's your plane getting in? I'll arrange a car to meet you and bring you to the office."

"No _need, I'll take a cab. You sure you want to do it at the office? I mean, meet up at the office,_" Abbie corrected herself, hoping Alex didn't take it as an assumption she would be a willing fuck-buddy again. The Texan knew the lie of the land had changed and had no interest in getting her butt handed to her by Olivia Benson. "_We could talk over breakfast in a cafe somewhere closer to your apartment, save you having to come out so early?_"

"It's fine really. If we meet at the office, you can start looking over Jackson's journals – though you might want to hang fire on that until after you've eaten. I've lost count of the number of times I've lost my appetite thanks to his ramblings. So, what time?"

Abbie growled into the phone at the sheer stubbornness she was encountering. "_My flight lands at five am. I can promise you I am **not** meeting you at the office at that time so I will catch a cab to a motel, catch an hour's sleep, maybe a shower and meet you at Hogan Place around eight if that suits you? And I'm providing breakfast – me this time, not the Federal Government - so hit me up with your order and no skimping, ok?_"

"Don't take that tone with me, Carmichael. Liv is still staying at my place and I will not discuss this where she might overhear. So I will see you at my office at eight am. Just bran muffin and a Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte will do me for breakfast, I don't like to eat much before court." Alex leant back in her chair, feeling the muscles in her lower back object at the long hours she had been putting in at her desk.

"_OK fine, eight am, your office with a highly exciting bran muffin and Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte – not that you have any reason to need a skinny anything, Miss I-disappear-if-I-turn-sideways! So are you home already for the night?"_ Abbie asked, knowing when she was beaten and moving on to what she hoped was a safer topic of conversation.

"No, I'm still at the office. There are a lot of cases I'm juggling at the moment, all of them demanding my attention so I'm giving it to them. It's the least I can do after all the work the detectives have put in to bringing them this far," Alex replied, sounding as though she was trying desperately to convince herself every bit as much as she was attempting to convince her friend.

"_I'm sure that's true but even from this end of the phone I can tell you're beyond ready to call it quits for the day. And you know that from tomorrow, I'll be around to take a chunk of the workload off you, at least where the Camanetti case is concerned, so cut yourself some slack and head home already. Don't make me call Olivia and have her come drag you out of there._" Though there was a teasing edge to Abbie's tone, the blonde ADA realised that she would in fact do just that if she thought it was in Alex's best interests.

"Did anyone ever tell you you're incredibly bossy, Abbie? In a passive aggressive kind of way but bossy all the same," she complained, despite following orders and beginning to tidy away the contents of her desk. Stifling a yawn, she acknowledged, "I'm packing up, boss, ok?"

"_I'm staying on the line until I hear the elevator ding. I don't care if you don't speak to me between now and then but I'm not hanging up until I know you've actually left the office and are on your way out of the building! Of course, I'd much prefer it if you did chat to me or I might be inclined to ramble endlessly into the dead space and who knows what I might tell you in the time it takes for you to get on board that elevator?_" Alex couldn't help but chuckle at the marginally older woman's antics.

"Since when did I give you so much reason not to trust me at my word?" she couldn't help but ask playfully.

"_You didn't. I'm a lawyer, naturally sceptical by nature as you well know. I recognise a lot of myself in you, Alex and I know if I was juggling half the case load you are at the moment, I'd be burning the midnight oil every chance I got too. But I also want you firing on all cylinders when this all heats up with Jackson and O'Keefe. I have a feeling we're going to need all our wits about us to pin those two slippery scumbags to the wall._" Abbie paused, listening to the sounds of drawers being locked and an attaché case being closed. "_So, you have any plans any night this week or can I interest you in dinner one evening?_"

"Abbie, we can't…hook up like we did last time. Things have changed, with Liv and I. We've talked about how we feel, the fact we want to see if we stand any chance of being together and no matter what she says to me about her being ok if I see other people until she's ready, I…I can't do it to, to us…or to you. It wouldn't be fair on anyone." Alex had ceased clearing away the debris from her day, leaning heavily against the edge of her desk as she tried to make her position clear, knowing that once Abbie was in the same room, the lines needed to be drawn to prevent her from being pulled in by the magnetism she had felt last time.

"_Hey Alex, that's great. Honestly, I am so happy for you and Liv that you've finally admitted to each other how you feel and I respect that we can't…tread the same path we did last time. I can handle that but I'd still like to think we can dine out together as friends, perhaps Liv could join us too if she's not on call or working or anything. I'd very much like to spend some time with both of you, socially._" Abbie couldn't prevent the swift flash of jealousy which raced through her at the knowledge she'd no longer be permitted to worship Alex's divine body but she sat on it the best she could, knowing she needed to rein in her libido for the greater good.

"Ok, I'll ask Liv and see what night's she thinks she might be free to get together. The only night I know is out is Friday. I'm expected to attend a fundraiser for a Foundation I co-Chair, the keynote speaker dropped out so I've been drafted in to fill his shoes. Actually, I need to ask Liv about that as well since I told my aunt I had a date so she wouldn't palm me off on some lecherous old codger like she usually does," Alex murmured, talking more to herself by the end than to Abbie.

"_Well, if all else fails and Olivia can't attend with you, I'd be happy to defend your honour against creepy guys your aunt might try to set you up with when you turn up with a woman in tow. You do realise that that might just be tantamount to exploding out of the closet, don't you?_" Abbie teased gently, knowing her sexuality was still a raw subject for Alex and wondering if she had really thought through all the consequences of being seen, at a high brow society event with a woman on her arm, no matter how stunningly attractive that woman might be.

"Perhaps it's what is needed to finally get Aunt Helen to let me be the one to decide my own personal life instead of her. I swear sometimes it's like being in a Jane Austin novel, the way she chooses the best 'family' for me to be paired off with. Half of me expects Uncle Bill to be discussing dowries with these guys so they know what I'm worth!" Alex scoffed, grabbing her attaché and raincoat and stepping out into the hallway, pulling her office door closed behind her before locking it.

"_I'm sure they're just looking out for what they think is best for you in their own, weird, warped way. Better that than for them to be completely indifferent to you and not care whether you're happily shacked up with someone,_" Abbie claimed, thinking of her own family and their lack of interest in her life on any scale.

"Maybe I'll skip asking Liv and just drag you along on Friday since you're so keen on my Aunt's matchmaking skills. Let's see how you handle seeing them firsthand and having to fend off the amorous advances of every single septuagenarian in the room!" The elevator sounded its arrival, opening its doors and beckoning Alex to come aboard.

"_Right…sounds such an appealing prospect I'd be an idiot to refuse. But do me a favour and ask Liv first, ok? I don't want her getting the wrong impression about me stepping on her toes or anything. You two would be good for one another, I don't want to mess up your chances before you even begun. I can hear you're following orders and vacating the building so I'll bid you goodnight, Miss Cabot. Get some sleep and I'll see you bright and early tomorrow morning at your office._"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.53**_

_**Fausto's restaurant, East 4**__**th**__** Street**_

"I never meant for this to happen, you know. I never went looking for someone else, never even thought for a moment I _could_ love anyone else," Liv murmured into her steaming bowl of spicy butternut squash soup Fausto had brought for her.

"I don't imagine you did, Olivia, not for one moment. But perhaps there's something to be said for the kind of love that finds its way to us in the darkest of times. It must be a strong and powerful kind of love which can make itself known during a time of heartbreak and sorrow. That love is what brought me home from war in one piece to my beloved Gina and I would consider you a fool if you chose to be blind to such a wondrous opportunity. I've never pegged you for a fool, Olivia, so please don't prove me wrong now." Fausto patted the young woman's shoulder firmly from where he sat, having pulled up a chair to sit beside her, partly in acknowledgement for her need for company but also to ensure she actually ate some of the food served to her. There was a bone-weary despair surrounding their daughter's fiancée which concerned him. It was too reminiscent of some of his comrades during the war, shortly before they sacrificed their lives either by their own hand or by deliberately stepping into the enemy's crossfire.

"The thought of leaving her behind terrifies me, Fausto. And…I'm scared that I'll…hurt Alex by comparing what I have with her to what Sam and I had," Liv worried, swirling her spoon around in the bowl, watching the patterns the rising steam made.

"If I have to, I'll feed that to you myself," Fausto informed her firmly, tone brooking no argument and drawing a small sheepish smile out of the distressed brunette. He made certain that she ate a few mouthfuls and a chunk of bread before he addressed the concerns she had raised. "Do you care for Alex as deeply as you do Samia?"

Liv swallowed down her instant reaction, taking the time to seriously ponder how she felt about each woman as individuals. "Sami was…she was like the other half of my soul that I'd never know was missing until I found her, as ridiculously clichéd as that sounds. She completed me…I don't really know how else to describe it. I just…I felt like I never had to be anything or anyone other than myself with her and that it was always enough. Alex is different. She challenges me, more or less every day in some way or another. We've not always got along and we still do have occasional arguments, although not as much these days and they're less legendary. The guys at the precinct always used to dive for cover when 'Lex and I went toe to toe over a case. Whereas Sam was content with the simple things in life – and that is by no means a slight on her, it's one of the things I loved most about her – Alex has always had money and enjoys fine living, has certain familial and political expectations resting on her. A relationship with Alex would draw a _lot_ of attention, not least from the hacks who write for the society pages. But I'm drawn to her all the same, despite our ability to butt heads and drive each other crazy, despite the fact that I'm likely to face stern opposition from her remaining relatives and those around her who wish to ride on her coattails up the political ladder. When we're at her apartment, and it's just the two of us, when I get to see the real Alex and not the front she presents to the wider world, I feel like the most privileged person in the world. I know that being with her would present a whole new world of issues to overcome because of our relative statuses in society but none of them are significant enough to make me want to bury my head in the sand and hope this infatuation goes away." Liv brought another spoonful of the heavenly soup to her lips, revelling in its taste and the warmth it ignited within her.

"You know in your heart and in your mind that they are different women entirely. Trust yourself, Olivia, because it doesn't sound to me like you have for a single moment or would ever be likely to compare them to one another. It would be like comparing chalk and cheese, as they say. You have so little faith in yourself and yet so much in others, despite what you see every day in your work. I curse whoever it was that taught you to have such low self-esteem, Olivia, and wish that you could see yourself as those of us who care for you see you." Fausto took a sip from his coffee, welcoming the kick from the whiskey he had added as it slid down his throat.

"I've never…had this before…a real family. It was just Mom and I when I was growing up mostly and I know she did what she could in difficult circumstances. I don't blame her, not any more, for the drinking even though it did rob me of a real childhood and adolescence. Just like everything else that happens in life, it makes us who we are and it brought me to your daughter and by extension to you and Gina. Had my Mom not been raped, I wouldn't have existed, I wouldn't have become an SVU detective and I wouldn't have known one of the most wonderful women to have walked this earth." Liv toyed with the final chunk of her bread roll, obviously deep in thought. "What did the Will have to say, Fausto? I'd like to know so I can honour Sami's wishes the best I can," she asked before dropping the pulverised doughy morsel back onto her side plate and sitting back, her appetite diminished.

"Honour? You talk of honour? You can honour my daughter's memory by not inviting some other woman into your bed as soon as the sheets have cooled. You can honour my daughter by returning all her belongings to her family, where they belong since you obviously have no need for them now you've found someone else to sleep with. You should forget about us the same as you are forgetting my Sami. My husband may be a blind old fool but I'm not. I see you wanting to know whether you had manipulated my daughter into believing you loved her enough to include you in her Will. She may have been deluded by your lies but we'll see whether a court will be when we contest it. You'll not get a thing, not a single dime if I have my way," Gina ranted after exploding back into the room, having been passing by from the restaurant as Liv asked about the Will reading that afternoon.

"Gina, be quiet before you say something everyone regrets. We will do no such thing as to contest our daughter's final wishes," Fausto argued, rising to his feet and positioning himself between his irate wife and their visitor.

"You take her side? You defend her when she is turning her back on our daughter? On this family?" Gina bellowed, complexion bursting with a startling red hue.

"There are no sides to take. You are the one trying to drive a wedge between us and Olivia, not her. I realise it is a shock to hear her talk of finding another love to share her life and that it hurts but that is no excuse to lash out and deliberately try to hurt her in return. You are acting like a petulant child and that is not the woman I know and love. This day has seen too much pain, too much sorrow as it is. Let's not add to it if we can avoid it, please?" Fausto's tone had turned pleading, willing his wife to realise she was being unreasonable even though he understood it came from a place of deep-seated hurt.

"I should go," Liv announced, rising to her feet and hurriedly re-dressing despite her clothes still being largely sodden and highly uncomfortable. Seeing that Fausto was about to object, she insisted, "no, I'm making this worse by being here tonight and the last thing I want to do is cause either of you additional pain. I won't…" Liv's voice cracked with emotion as she attempted to walk away from her last physical connection with her late lover. "I'll give you both some space and time to come to terms with things. If you could just let me know within the next few weeks what I need to do with Samia's things from the apartment, I'd appreciate it. I won't come here again. I'm sorry. I'm really so very sorry." With tears threatening to spill over onto her cheeks once again, Liv dashed out into the night, not waiting for either Camanetti elder to respond.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**20.47**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

Liv slumped down against the wall inside the door to the bedroom she and Sam had shared, watery gaze fixed on the bed where she had last made love to the woman who had meant so much to her. It had been the longest, most consistent relationship Olivia had ever known but it was over, ending in the most final of ways. She looked around at the items she had gathered together, mementos of Sam's invasion into her territory. It didn't amount to much when all piled up in one small space, almost taunting her with its reminder of the temporary, transient nature of their cohabitation. Vaguely, she was aware of her cell phone ringing but her heart ached too much to deal with anyone else right then. She headed into her bathroom, setting the water running into the tub before stripping out of her still damp clothing and thrusting them into the linen basket. She tested the water, feeling that it had gotten hot before plugging the drain and leaving the bath to fill up by itself. She padded back through to the bedroom, pulling a drawer open and retrieving some flannel sleep pants and a fresh t-shirt. Her cell was still ringing, or perhaps ringing again, she didn't know and frankly didn't care. She was better alone. Alone she couldn't cause anyone pain. Alone she couldn't take anyone's heart and rip it to shreds…beside her own. For possibly the first time in her life, Olivia understood her mother's compulsion to drink, not just accepted it but fully, completely and thoroughly understood what drove Serena Benson to pick up a bottle and not put it down again until it was empty. For that very reason, she was grateful there was no liquor in the apartment. Her only choice of liquid refreshment was water. At least from that particular demon, she was safe. One down, countless more to battle. She laid the sleepwear out on her bed, ignoring yet another call, knowing it was unlikely to be work related given that it was her personal cell phone which seemed to be somebody's hotline that night. Stepping into the bathroom and closing the door to behind her, Liv shut off the water and stepped into the filled tub, bracing herself against the sting of the almost scalding temperature. She sunk down, lying back and slithering down until she could completely submerge her head, shutting out all extraneous noises and leaving her alone with just her thoughts. She lay there, unmoving, allowing the burn in her lungs to grow, willing herself to remain beneath the water, almost punishing herself for the outcome of the day. Just as she was about to concede defeat and sit up, a shadow fell across her. Through the water, the outline of her visitor was the image of Samia. Forgetting that she was submerged, Liv opened her mouth to gasp…and felt herself being physically yanked into a sitting position. Suddenly, she was face to face with Alex…a furious and terrified Alex to be exact.

"What the hell are you doing?" the attorney yelled, keeping a firm grip on Liv's upper arm lest she attempt to sink back beneath the water.

Liv performed a sterling impression of a goldfish, opening and closing her mouth numerous times without her brain connecting sufficiently to provide any kind of explanation.

"How many times are we going to do this, Liv? How many times am I going to have to chase across New York trying to find you? Do you have any idea how scared I was when I couldn't get you on the phone? Can you comprehend at all what was going through my mind, especially with Markson out there and you having actively put yourself in his sights?" Neither woman seemed cognizant of the fact Liv was naked, with nothing to spare her blushes should Alex's gaze drop at all. The gravity of the moment prevented either of them from acknowledging it.

"Who…? What…? How…?" Liv fumbled, struggling to comprehend the sudden arrival of her dearest friend.

"Fausto called me after you bolted. He explained everything to me, Liv – what you told them, Gina's reaction, all of it. He was really worried about you, about what you might do. So I tried calling your cell but it just rang out every time. Didn't you hear it? I called my apartment building, the precinct, I even called Elliot to see if you'd gone there even though I knew it was a long shot, but no one had seen you or knew where you were. I came here as a last resort. I thought…I thought you might need to feel close to Sam after today and since you'd already been to the memorial garden, this was the only other place I could think of. I hope you don't mind, I kept the spare key you gave Elliot. That's how I let myself in." Alex had seen the evidence of Liv's activities as she had rapidly scoured the apartment; pictures removed from their mountings and propped up against the walls in stacks; personal knick-knacks collected together in a huddle on top of a dresser in the bedroom; clothes piled up in a heap in front of the closet.

"I've lost them, 'Lex. I can't… Gina was so hurt, so…betrayed by me telling her how I feel about you. I told them I won't see them again. I can't, not if my being around just continues to keep the wound of Sam's loss open and bleeding." Liv let her head drop forward, water still trickling off her hair and down over her trembling shoulders.

"Fausto seemed confident that Gina will come round. He really doesn't want to lose touch with you. I told him he's more than welcome to come visit you at the apartment whenever he wants to, whether Gina is with him or not." Alex ran her fingers through Liv's saturated hair, slicking it back off her face. "You want me to leave you alone tonight?" The question was quietly spoken, with controlled neutrality to prevent the detective from hearing just how difficult it would be for Alex to comply with that request should it be confirmed.

"I…I don't know…what I want. No, that's not true. I want this pain to end, for everyone. I want everyone to be happy again. I want… I want to feel like all my relationships aren't falling apart around me…"

"They're not…" Alex protested.

"Yes, they are. You're the only one who isn't pulling away from me, Allie. Elliot's shown his true colours – I may as well be damned to all eternity in his eyes because of who I fall in love with. And now Gina hates me, probably close to as much as I hate myself, and because of that I can't see Fausto either – I won't come between them, I won't be responsible for causing tension in their marriage. I'm tired, 'Lex, so damned tired of this constant up and down. If this is what life is going to be like from now on…I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. I can't keep doing this. I can't keep ruining people's lives, hurting them and then having to live with the consequences. I can't…" Liv trailed off into a sob, bringing her knees up to her chest and hugging both arms around her shins. She let her head fall forward to rest atop her knees, releasing her sorrow with quiet hiccupping cries.

Alex reached into the tub, pulling out the plug and letting the water begin draining away. She was concerned by how cool the bath water had become, the realisation steeling her determination further to bring the brunette to somewhere more comfortable, where she could at least offer some sort of physical support to her. "Stand up, Liv," the blonde dictated with gentle insistence. When the older woman made no attempt to move, Alex placed a hand on her shoulder and tried again. "Come on, Olivia, we both know I can't lift you out of the bath but that doesn't mean to say I won't try and I'm sure neither of us want to explain to an ER doctor how we got injuries resulting from that." A shaggy chestnut-locked head rocked from side to side in negative response, not willing to face the younger woman. "Ok fine, but don't say I didn't warn you when we both fall on our butts." Alex grabbed the nearest towel she could find and wrapped it around her weeping friend's shoulders in a gesture heartbreakingly similar to Gina's from earlier in the evening. With a firm grip, she prised the older woman's arms from where they were clamped around her legs and began pulling them forwards, away from her body and upwards, coaxing her to rise. The dead weight of the uncooperative detective barely moved, Olivia doing nothing to assist the blonde in her task, so Alex changed tack. She leant in close, sliding her arms beneath Liv's armpits until she could clasp her hands together in the centre of her broad back. With little care for her own spinal health, Alex used all her might to force Liv to stand, managing to raise her a small way despite the awkward angle. Turning her head slightly, she growled directly into the shell of the stubborn brunette's ear, "Olivia Benson, get your ass out of this bath tub right now or so help me I will call Elliot, Fin, Munch and Captain Cragen to haul you out."

"Why are you doing this?" Olivia whined, voice hoarse from her tears.

"Because I love you, you obstinate, stubborn, infuriating woman," Alex grumbled, grateful to have at least garnered some response.

"You shouldn't. I'll hurt you," Liv protested, attempting to push the younger woman away.

"No, you won't. Not unless you keep this up. This hurts me, Liv. You shutting me out and keeping me at arm's length hurts me. Seeing you suffering like this and being allowed to do nothing to help hurts me. Having to watch you blame yourself for things that are beyond your control hurts me. But do you know what loving you does to me, Liv? Loving you makes my heart want to burst. Loving you makes me feel like laughing out loud for no reason in particular. Loving you makes even the worst of days seem that little bit better because I only have to see your face to be reminded there are some great things in life…not just good, but _great_ things. I love you, Olivia, with all that I am and nothing that you say or do will stop me from loving you. Nothing. Now can you please get up out of this bath? Because right now, the only thing that's beginning to hurt is my back from holding you like this and I would much rather be able to hug you properly."

Alex felt the older woman reluctantly begin to rise to her feet. She released her hold and stepped away, turning away to retrieve another towel in order to offer her friend some semblance of privacy. As much as she wanted to feast her eyes on the heavenly body so close to being on display, she refused to give in to temptation, knowing it would be taking advantage of Liv's distressed state. She opened up the bath sheet to its fullest and held it out like a shield between them for Liv to step into. As the brunette did so, Alex folded it around her slim, athletic form, tucking the ends inside so that it stayed in position without being held. Rather than stepping away, Alex kept her arms around the slightly shorter woman, cradling her gently and offering a silent embrace of support and understanding.

"How long are you willing to wait? How many times can I build up your hopes that I'm ready to move on with you only to…be set back again? How many times before you get sick of it and leave me?" Liv whispered, arms reaching around Alex's back, tentatively at first but then clinging to her more desperately as the idea of losing Alex really hit her.

"Hey, ssshhh, don't think like that, sweetheart. Please, please don't think like that." Alex leant back, capturing Liv's face between her palms and forcing her to look at her as she spoke, hoping that she would see the truth of her words in her eyes. "I will wait for as long as you need me to wait. I will wait and I will wait and I will keep on waiting if that's what you need me to do. And I will keep on reminding you that I love you, I have loved you for a long time and I want to be beside you throughout this, to help you, to support you, to hold you up when you don't feel like you can stand by yourself. I will not leave you. No matter how many times we have to have this conversation, no matter how many times I have to hunt you down when you get skittish and bolt, no matter how many times you try to convince me I'd be better off without you, I will not leave you." As though to emphasize her point, Alex pressed a simple chaste kiss to Liv's cheek, making the gesture as non-sexual as she could.

The dam holding back Liv's emotions was breached once more, tears cascading over her cheeks as she buried her face in Alex's neck, murmuring apologies over and over again. They stood in the middle of Liv's bathroom, swaying together slightly re-affirming their connection, until Alex became aware of how much the brunette was shivering.

"Let's get you into some clothes," she suggested.

Liv let out a small laugh. "Normally, when there's an attraction between two people, they're trying to get each other _out_ of their clothes, not into them!" Alex smiled, grateful to see a little of Liv's humour returning.

"And I'm sure there'll come a day when that's true for us as well," she assured the older woman. "But for now, I just want to keep you from catching your death of cold. As much as you seem to think otherwise, I do actually _like_ having you around."

Olivia allowed herself to be guided back into the bedroom she had shared with her fiancée, slumping onto the edge of the large, comfortable bed beside the clothing she had laid out for herself in preparation. Alex eyed the obvious sleep attire, raising an eyebrow in Liv's direction.

"You were planning on sleeping here alone? At any point tonight, did you consider letting me know you were alive?" she asked, allowing a little of her ire to infiltrate her tone.

"I…uh…I wasn't really thinking clearly... which I guess is obvious seeing as I'm here. Alex, please, don't take it to mean that I didn't want you to know where I was…" Liv attempted to explain, her tired brain struggling to comprehend her reasoning making it even more difficult to defend her actions.

"Liv, I don't mind if you want to sleep here tonight. I don't even mind if you want to be alone. I just wish…I just wish that you would trust me enough to let me know when you need to be closer to Sam. I'm not about to overreact and throw a fit of jealousy. I understand it. I understand that desperate yearning to surround yourself with things that remind you of what you had. I lived with it for years and…I wouldn't deny you anything that can give you any semblance of comfort, not ever but certainly not after the day you've had. So please, sweetheart, just tell me what you to do, what you want me to do and that's what'll happen. No arguments, no dramas, no lingering tension. Whatever you need, that's all that matters." Alex kept her distance, physically, allowing the older woman a chance to make a decision without distraction.

"No, it's not. It's not all that matters. You matter. To me." Liv scrubbed her hands across her face, attempting to wipe away the fatigue. "God, I'm such a screw-up."

"No sweetheart, you're not. You're grieving. There's a big difference," Alex assured her kindly, still waiting for her to decide what she wanted to happen for the remainder of the night. She watched as Liv glanced over her shoulder, clearly craving some time to rest as the events of the day caught up with her and still recouping sleep lost over the hectic weekend.

"Would you mind taking me home? I mean…to your apartment…I don't mean to assume…" Liv's rambling was cut off in its prime by two of Alex's fingers pressing firmly against her lips.

"You get dressed, I'll call a car to pick us up. Let's go home," Alex replied, making clear that she too thought of her place as home to them both. As the attorney turned to leave, Liv reached out and caught her wrist in a loose grip, stalling her retreat.

"Alex?" she called softly, inviting the younger woman to turn around again. When she complied, the brunette looked her directly in the eye and murmured a heartfelt, "thank you…for everything. You have no idea how much your support means to me, how much you being here helped me tonight. I honestly…I don't know what I'd have done if you hadn't come in when you did. I don't know what I did to deserve you but I'm gonna fight like hell to keep you."


	53. Chapter 53

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**I was hoping to have this installment online yesterday but then sleep deprivation kick my butt and stole my ability to type more than two words an hour! (No lie!) As is becoming quite usual, I sat down to write with a vague idea from El Muse in my mind, thought I knew where it was going and then almost got whiplash when she switched direction on me at the last minute...but the end result? Well, I'll leave that judgement to you :)**_

_**As always, a sincere thanks to those of you who take the time to review. I find it fascinating to hear how you each respond to the chapters and even though I would still continue to write this story whether there were no reviews or as many as you do keep blessing me with, it does make the process feel like more of a two way street with your feedback to guide me as to the pacing of the developments etc. So thank you and I hope this chapter lives up to the standards previously set.**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**05.47**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex padded out of her bedroom, rubbing sleepily at her eyes as she battled to convince herself it really was time to get up. Her alarm had not been at all welcome when it clanged loudly beside her ear. She paused as she passed the doorway to Olivia's room, peering inside and casting her gaze over the prone form of her still slumbering house guest. The older woman had insisted on sleeping alone, not wanting to disturb Alex any more than she already had that evening, little knowing that the attorney merely lay in the room next-door listening out for any tiny signs of distress. The last time she had looked at the clock, it had been just after four a.m. and if Liv had had any nightmares, she had been careful to keep them to herself. Watching over her as she slept, Alex couldn't help but smile sadly at the sight of her sprawled on her stomach, limbs stretching to cover the majority of the bed's surface, spare pillow gripped tightly to one side. The sheets twisted and tangled around her body belied her currently serene state, telegraphing the restless night she too had obviously had. It made Alex's heart ache to know she had been tossing and turning, struggling to deal with the day's events in silence, without reaching out for support and comfort. How she wished it was her in Liv's arms and not that pillow.

With no small amount of effort, she tore her gaze away, continuing on her journey to start a fresh pot of coffee, knowing she would need large amounts of caffeine in order to get through the day ahead. Handling Abbie Carmichael was a little like trying to lasso a tornado at the best of times. Handling her on little over two hours sleep was going to be an uphill battle and an interesting one at that, she surmised. Judging by the evidence in Liv's room, she too would need significant amounts of caffeine to make it through the day looming large before them. Once the machine was stirring into life and promising to deliver an aromatic fresh brew, Alex re-trod her path back to her own room. On autopilot, she stripped out of her nightwear, depositing it on the sheets where she had attempted to sleep before strolling lazily into the en-suite bathroom. She reached into the shower, turning on the pounding jets and giving it a moment to warm up. As she waited, she glanced at herself in the mirror, shocked by her gaunt, drawn appearance and almost haunted expression. With her guard down, she saw just how much of a toll events were taking on her. With renewed determination to shake off her fatigue and melancholy, she walked into the shower cubicle and began her morning routine, intent on having put herself back together before Olivia saw her. The woman was suffering enough already, the last thing she needed was to see how hard Alex was finding it to cope with as well. Knowing Liv as well as she did, the attorney could guarantee she would withdraw even further out of misplaced feelings of guilt. No, she had to put on a mask once more, just for a little while. Though she hated hiding anything from Olivia, it was for the best. It really was. Liv couldn't know how much last night had terrified her, how she had lain awake for hour after hour not just listening for nightmares but for signs that Liv would go through with her threat to end her life. Hearing the words spilling from the older woman's lips had made her blood run cold, reignited the flickering flames of fear she hoped had been extinguished when the nightmares receded. She felt her body beginning to tremble, her legs weakening and a deep-seated ache settling in her chest at the mere thought of losing Liv before she had had a chance to share any kind of happiness with her. She could no longer hold back her sobs, doubling over in agony before collapsing to the floor of the shower, water pounding down on her and, she hoped, drowning out the sounds of her despair.

Liv lay in her room, the faint hum of the shower running in Alex's en-suite providing her with the comforting sense of not being alone. The faint aroma of coffee drifted into the bedroom, coaxing her out from beneath the tangled sheets. She looked back at the chaos which had once been a freshly made bed, the history of her tortured night written all over the crumpled sheets and the tear-stained pillow. With a deep sigh, she turned her back on the scene and the memories it triggered to taunt her, stepping with deliberate pace towards the tantalising scent emanating from the kitchen. Seeing two mugs already set out and waiting, Liv poured some of the dark liquid into each, fixing both to perfection. She carried them both on stealthy feet back towards the bedrooms, opting to deliver Alex's first so she could be sure it was there when the blonde woman finished in the shower. She figured it was the very least she could do as a gesture of appreciation for her support and sympathy the night before. As she was depositing the steaming cup onto Alex's bedside cabinet, she heard a soft whimper from the en-suite. For a second she froze, thinking she had once again inadvertently interrupted Alex during an intimate moment she was not yet privy to sharing. But then she heard another sound, a sound which tore at her soul, the unmistakable sound of Alex in distress. Abandoning both mugs on the cabinet, Liv dashed to the bathroom door, knocking softy so as not to startle the woman inside.

"Alex? Alex, honey, can I please come in?" There was no response except for the sudden silencing of the sobs.

On the other side of the door, still curled up on the floor of the shower, Alex clamped both hands over her mouth to stifle any further sounds which attempted to escape. She wanted to send Liv away so she didn't see her in her current state – not so much naked bodily but rather the vulnerable soul-baring nakedness she felt. It would be too much for the older woman, she was sure of it. It would be the final straw, the last nudge she needed to send her hurtling over the precipice on which she teetered. And if that happened, in that moment, Alex was certain she too would follow her into the abyss.

"Alex, talk to me please! If you don't tell me to leave, I'm coming in regardless. I know you're hurting in there…and I suspect I'm a good deal of the cause of that pain if not the _only_ cause of it so the least I can do is help you now. _Please_!" Olivia begged desperately, hand resting against the doorknob as she prepared to enter.

Despite what she wanted to do, Alex couldn't force the words past her lips to send Liv away. As she removed her hands to try, another deep wracking sob escaped her. No sooner had the sound left her mouth than she heard the door crash open and rapid footsteps approaching. She curled up tighter into a ball, as though she could disappear or become invisible against the cool white marbled tiles.

"Oh my God!" Liv gasped, the sight halting her in her tracks and knocking the wind from her like a physical blow. "Jesus, Alex…" There were no other words she could utter which would make everything alright, nothing she could say to ease the agony her closest friend was suffering. So she let her actions speak for her, climbing into the shower along with her, easing herself down onto the floor beside the huddled form. With complete disregard for the fact she was still in her pyjamas, she reached out and coaxed Alex to shift until she was curled against her side rather than the unyielding tiles. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so, so sorry," she murmured, over and over again, holding Alex tightly to her, arms wrapped around her upper body. Alex never responded, never showed any signs of acknowledging Liv's presence at all until the older woman attempted to move, intending on turning off the water before they drowned. Then Alex moved. She moved with lightning speed, gripping at the brunette's sodden clothing fiercely, pinching handfuls of the flesh beneath along with the wringing wet fabric.

"Don't go! Please don't go, don't leave me. Please…don't leave me…don't ever leave me," she cried with pure desperation and terror in her voice.

Olivia's heart broke upon hearing the pleas, knowing it was her own actions from the night before, her words, her willingness to sink beneath the tide of her grief which had created Alex's despair. She allowed herself a moment, just a single brief moment, of imagining how Alex would cope if Liv ever did end her life deliberately. A vision of her lying like this in the shower sprung to mind, only this time there was no one to overhear her tears, no one to hold her and attempt to soothe her pain, no one to notice when the light inside of her died right along with Olivia…and Liv knew it would, she understood all too clearly how a part of a person died at the point of losing someone they cared for deeply. Her thoughts turned dark as she allowed her mind free reign to hypothesize over what would transpire next; Alex attending Olivia's funeral service, standing apart from the rest of the attendees, deliberately distancing herself from humanity; Alex rejecting offers of company from the rest of the squad, from Captain Cragen, from Abbie and Bev even; Alex sinking further and further into a well of depression and isolation; finally Alex giving in to the urge to end her own pain and join Liv in oblivion. And in that moment, in that moment of startling clarity, Liv was overcome with a new sense of desperation to give Alex a reason to live, to give her a reason to battle through each and every day.

"I know my words won't mean very much to you right now, because words are cheap and promises too easily broken, but I won't leave you, Alex. I'm not leaving you. I'm here, now and for as long as you'll allow me to be. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. Not anywhere. You are my future, the future I want to build, the future I want to watch grow and develop and blossom into something so very special." She looked deeply into Alex's eyes, seeing tiny sparks of hope flickering within them despite the lingering uncertainty. "Let me turn this water off and we'll talk some more about this next door, ok? My bones are getting too old for spending this much time on the floor," she quipped, hoping to coax a little glimmer of a smile out of the younger woman with her humour. She was irrationally delighted to see the self-deprecating jibe garner the desired response, albeit briefly but it had been there all the same.

Alex released her vice-like grip of her companion's clothing, allowing her to stand and turn off the water. The blonde remained on the floor a moment longer, sitting back against the wall, head lolling backwards, eyes closed, chest still heaving as she fought to recover from the tidal wave of emotions which had crashed through her. She tried to focus on how good it had felt to be held so tenderly and yet so protectively in the detective's embrace, how elating it had been to hear her assurances that they would find a way through this minefield together, that she would not be abandoned or cast aside. Slowly, her anxiety receded to more manageable levels once more, her breaths evening out and becoming more controlled. A gentle hand on her shoulder forced her to return to the present, snapping her eyes open. They landed on a saturated white vest, clinging to every sinewy curve of Olivia's muscular stomach. In spite of the circumstances, Alex couldn't help but appreciate the view, knowing if she allowed her eyes to drift a little further upwards they would be rewarded with a similarly revealing vista of Liv's breasts, the flimsy fabric so soaked it was translucent. She swallowed thickly, swiftly clamping down on such thoughts as being inappropriate. As she accepted Liv's outstretched palm, using it as leverage to regain her footing, Alex was heedless of her own state of undress…until Olivia's other hand steadied her at her waist, warm and vibrant against her rapidly cooling damp skin. She felt a blush rising across her upper chest, crawling up her neck towards her cheeks and dropped her head, hoping to disguise the reaction. It was a mistake as her eyes immediately fixed on those generous fleshy mounds straining at the thin cotton, nipples protruding as the water cooled. Her flushed skin ignited into a furnace in her mind as she greedily drank in their appearance, unable to tear her gaze away. Her hands, which hung limply by her sides, itched to cup the bountiful breasts, to test their weight in her palms and explore their sensitivity to her touch. Her breath hitched as her core clenched and she had to summon all her willpower to suppress the shudder which yearned to run through her.

Liv watched the reaction to her touch, saw the beginning telltale signs of a flush appearing on the pale skin of Alex's smooth, almost flawless skin. It began just above the cleft between her modest breasts, rising over proud collarbones and onwards up her neck, swallowing the few freckles in its path. Her view was then blocked as the blonde head dropped in an adorably bashful gesture. The detective felt eyes on her, their caress washing over her like a physical touch. Her body responded to it as though it was, as though it was those elegant hands roaming over her chest, nipples tightening even further, pushing against their sodden cotton barrier.

"Alex…" the brunette murmured breathlessly, half plea, half question. She tightened her hold on the younger woman's waist, drawing her imperceptibly closer.

"We shouldn't…," Alex finally ground out, tearing her eyes from the almost irresistible vista before her.

"We shouldn't…," Olivia echoed, cupping the attorney's chin with one hand and bringing the cerulean gaze back up to meet her own. The brunette leant in, closing the distance between them before Alex could object further or withdraw completely. Full lips closed over thinner ones, worshipping their surface before lapping at them teasingly with her tongue.

Alex let out a brief moan, her mouth opening to suck in a startled breath as Liv wound her arms around her tighter, bringing them together bodily. The water on Liv's pyjamas had cooled rapidly, the temperature difference uncomfortable and shocking. Liv's talented tongue dipped inside Alex's heated moist cavern, capturing the blonde's own tongue and massaging it thoroughly. She devoured the attorney's mouth and lips reverently, allowing one hand to wander upwards along the ridged column of Alex's spine, fingertips tracing the outline of each vertebra. Alex's listless hands were suddenly spurred into action, tugging at the hem of Olivia's sodden vest, prising it up and away from the sculpted torso beneath it. When it got to her neck, the younger woman tore her mouth away only long enough to remove the offending article entirely, tossing it aside with a wet thwack where it hit still damp tiles. Next the questing hands dipped into the waist line of the detective's pyjama pants, pushing them downwards insistently. The water-logged cotton clung to curvaceous hips hampering proceedings leading to Liv needing to assist her with their removal. She kicked them aside once both feet were clear of the legs and surged back against Alex, naked flesh meeting naked flesh for the first time. Desire and arousal clouded their brains, leaving rational thought on the floor of the shower cubicle along with the discarded pyjamas. Alex tentatively traced patterns over the smooth plains of Olivia's back, dipping ever lower with each pass until her palms cupped taut buttocks. She squeezed them reflexively as Liv's teeth gently closed over one earlobe, tugging at it before soothing the area with her lips and tongue. That talented, tempting mouth drifted lower, placing heated kisses down the column of Alex's neck, pausing wherever she recognised was sensitive as the attorney tilted her head to one side allowing greater access.

"Liv…bedroom…please…" Alex ground out, her legs shaking and threatening to collapse beneath her in the face of the onslaught of desire the older woman's actions were triggering.

Liv straightened up, reluctantly detaching her lips from the skin she was so hungrily exploring. The two women shared a look, each silently offering the other a final chance to back out. Neither accepted the invitation, taking hold of one another's hands and hastily heading into the adjoining bedroom. As they approached the bed, Liv guided Alex to lay down on her back, immediately crawling on top of her and settling a fair portion of her weight onto the prone blonde's body, legs intertwining automatically as hands once again began to roam over the highly sensitive flesh on display. Their kisses began languidly, as though they had all the time in the world, but soon the fires of their passion erupted and it became a battle of wills to see who would come out on top – figuratively and literally. Alex flipped their bodies over, pinning the brunette to the rumpled sheets and grinding her pelvis against a toned, strong thigh.

"Let me give you a reason to live," Alex requested, panting as her own pleasure increased in direct correlation to the beautiful friction being created between her legs with her rhythmic rocking motion.

"Touch me…please touch me…" Olivia begged, willingly relinquishing control to the fiery woman above her.

Alex growled her appreciation of the implicit permission, greedily feasting on the detective's mouth, swallowing the tiny mewls generated by her wandering hands. Palms settled over the rock-hard peaks of Olivia's breasts, massaging them gently and testing their weight and texture as she yearned to do when gazing at them through the translucent fabric of her tank. Fingers crept inwards, tortuously slowly until finally they fastened onto the swollen nipples, rolling and pinching them, sending molten bolts of fluidic arousal straight to Olivia's core. Alex ground down harder, inadvertently pressing her own thigh into Liv's saturated centre.

Liv's head thrashed from side to side as she tore her lips away from Alex's mouth. The sight of the younger woman riding her mixed with the heady sensations from her manual attentions was driving her wild. Her hands flew to rest on the minimal curve of the blonde's hips, thumbs subconsciously and rhythmically stroking the prominence of bone there.

"More…" she moaned, hoping Alex would understand her craving, through just that one simple word, knowing it would be impossible to explain further whilst so distracted.

Alex felt her breath hitch in her chest at the heartfelt plea. Powerless to resist, she dipped her head, fastening the hot cavern of her mouth over one gloriously coral tipped breast, licking, sucking and nipping at the hardened bud with fervour. The move freed one of her hands, allowing it to trail further south. Deciding this was not the time for cruelty, Alex slid her fingers into the scorching pool of Liv's natural lubrication without delay. Both women hissed at the sensation, their ardour spiking and driving them both to act on animal instinct alone. Liv's hips rose from the bed, silently begging for Alex to enter her, to bring her to climax. With a primal growl, Alex coated her fingers liberally in the older woman's juices, spreading them around her folds and dancing over the hooded bundle of nerves hidden at her apex. Alex held her breath as she trailed her fingers through the molten heat, resting the tip of one finger just outside of Olivia's entrance.

"Look at me…" she whispered raggedly. "I want you to look at me when we do this."

Liv's eyes flickered open, their pupils so dilated that there was very little brown to be seen. Hunger warred with apprehension momentarily leading Alex to pause. "Slowly," Liv requested, locking her gaze onto Alex's and keeping it there. As directed, Alex began to push forward, testing the older woman's readiness to be penetrated. Liv's hands bunched in the sheets, her face screwing up at the discomfort brought on by the intrusion, as she willed herself to relax, to accept the loving attention being offered. Sensing the unusual tightness in the muscles around her finger, Alex stilled her motion, leaving her digit buried inside the older woman only as far as the first knuckle. After a few moments rest resulted in no greater relaxation, Alex withdrew as gently as she could, resuming lavishing oral attention on each bountiful breast. She let her fingers caress Olivia's saturated folds, drawing lazy patterns over and around her clit. Only when the brunette's hips began to cant once again did the attorney trail lower, back to the clenching entrance beyond which, Alex was sure, lay nirvana. Without fanfare, she once again teased the sensitive opening for a mere second before pressing inside as gently as she could with a single finger. All her senses were alert to Liv's reactions and immediately she stopped as the whimpers veered from pleasure to pain. Realisation swept over the younger woman, bringing with it a crushing sense of clarity. She rolled off the brunette after extracting her finger, flopping listlessly onto her back on the bed beside her.

"This was a mistake… Your body's telling us what we both rationally know. We shouldn't be doing this…not yet. You're not ready. Hell, I'm not even sure I'm ready…" Alex blew out a frustrated breath, not at the fact they couldn't yet consummate their ever deepening connection but that she had allowed lust to overrule what she knew to be right. Self-loathing began to settle in, its effect dousing her arousal as swiftly as any cold shower.

"We don't have to… I don't need… There are plenty of ways to bring each other pleasure without penetration is what I'm so ineptly trying to say," Liv babbled, rolling on to her side and sensually drawing patterns on Alex's heaving abdomen with the backs of her fingertips, trying to hide her distress at what she perceived a rejection of Alex as a compatible lover. Her hand was stilled by Alex's palm atop it, flattening it and holding it firmly in place in a neutral zone.

"I know," Alex admitted softly, "and if I thought for a single minute that it was just that, I'd have no reservation in burying my head between your thighs and making you scream my name. But it's not that simple, Olivia. Your body is telling you that _this_ isn't right, either not right for now or not right at all. And as much as I pray it is a temporary thing, we _have_ to listen to it. Ignoring it won't make it go away. It is a physical manifestation of all the tension, the anxiety…the doubts you're carrying with you. To pretend they don't exist, to carry on regardless…any orgasm either of us had would be empty…and eventually, it would lead to resentment from one or other of us, or possibly even both of us." Alex allowed a small amount of her disappointment to show through, letting the older woman know that the situation was not easy for her to handle either.

"I'm sorry…" Liv choked out, tears pricking her eyes. She withdrew her hand, using it instead to shield her eyes as a few droplets leaked out.

"It's not your fault, Livie," Alex cooed warmly, prising the hand away so that the older woman would see the earnestness in her eyes. "You're not to blame. If anyone should be blaming themselves, it's me. You only came in there because you overheard something I should never have let you hear. It was me who was ogling you and reading things into having you touch my skin when all you were doing was trying to offer me support. I should never have let it get this far. I should never have let it happen in the first place. Primarily and most importantly right now I need to act as your friend, not as some out of control, lust-filled, selfish bitch. So I'm sorry, Liv. I'm sorry for taking advantage of you, I'm sorry for hurting you and I'm truly, truly sorry for making you feel like you were at fault."

"How can I know so little about what I want anymore? When did the world disappear from under my feet and send me into this complete tailspin where I can't get a definite fix on reality?" Liv asked, despite knowing the answer all too well. Alex neglected to answer, choosing instead to offer one final squeeze of the older woman's hand. She rose from the bed.

"I need to get ready for work," she stated. "I've got a breakfast meeting with Abbie. She flew in on the red eye. I'm bringing her up to speed on the case."

"Good…that's good. At least that'll take a little of the pressure off you if you're not having to handle all the paperwork for Sami's case too. I know you're in court today, right? The Deckman appeal?" Liv asked, still sounding somewhat distracted as she sat up and watched the younger woman head to her closet. The attorney nodded her head briskly, not looking forward to butting heads with the defence attorney on that case, especially given the way the day was panning out so far. "We all know it's a crock of shit he's trying to pull and everyone has faith in you to make the court realise that too," the detective supplied vehemently, slipping behind the mask of her professional persona as she beat an emotional retreat.

"Thanks," Alex tossed over her shoulder as she fastened her bra, wishing she had the same confidence in herself.

"I'll leave you to get dressed. There's a coffee for you by the bed, it might still be somewhere near drinkable," the brunette advised as she rose from the bed, sensing that her continued presence was adding to the ADA's anxiety. Unable to resist touching her one last time, Liv placed one hand at Alex's still naked waist, leaning in to press a chaste kiss to her cheek. "I really am sorry for how this morning turned out," she murmured into the delicate shell of Alex's ear, breath teasing the wispy blonde hairs which had begun to dry there.

"Me too, Liv. Me too," Alex agreed before stepping away with a sigh, withdrawing not just physically but emotionally as well as she attempted to ready herself to face the day.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**08.21**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

Abbie Carmichael cracked one eye open as she heard the door to Alex's office crash open. She took in the ADA's flustered appearance, her red-rimmed eyes contradicting the rosy hue of her cheeks.

"Which one of us caught a red-eye flight here again?" she queried caustically, though the wink she tossed in Alex's direction took the sting out of her words.

"Abbie, I am so sorry…" Alex began, dropping her attaché case behind her desk and shucking off her coat.

"It doesn't matter, you're here now. So get your butt over here and give me a hug, woman. I need to make sure you're not wasting away and since clothes can hide a multitude of sins, I'm going to measure by good old-fashioned groping." Abbie hauled her lanky frame out of the sofa she had collapsed into when Mandy had let her in to the office to await Alex's arrival. Upon witnessing the blonde attorney's comical double take, she assured her, "I mean that in a totally non-sexual way, you horn dog!" With an ever widening grin, she muttered, "geez, introduce a girl to the delights of Sapphic lovin' and all of a sudden everything takes on a sexual undertone!"

"Shut up, Carmichael," Alex groused, blushing deeply in the face of the good natured teasing. Her libido was still on edge from having come so close to…well coming earlier as she ground herself against Olivia's thigh.

"Hey I'm not complaining! Least I wouldn't be if I thought I stood any kind of chance with you. I know when I'm outta the game and I have no intention of making life even more difficult for you and Olivia by coming between you," Abbie assured the younger woman as she took her into her arms and held her warmly in greeting. The Texan felt how rigid and tense her friend was, almost as though her muscles were straining with the pressure of holding something back. "What's up?" Alex simply turned her head away, attempting to extricate herself from the loose hold Abbie had her in. The brunette refused to allow her the retreat though, locking her arms more securely around the slender frame and asking again, "what is it, Alex? What's the matter? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

"We need to get to work, we have a lot to get through," Alex dodged, clearly not intending to take the other woman up on her offer.

"And we will, after you get off your chest whatever it is that has you so highly strung," Abbie insisted, keeping hold of the young blonde but guiding her to sit on the couch in the corner of the office. "Sit down, eat your breakfast, drink you coffee and talk to me. I know we're on a time limit and on the clock but that doesn't mean we can't spend a few minutes touching base with one another first."

Alex closed her eyes, Abbie's words unintentionally triggering a recollection of being on top of Olivia, hands roaming the body she had long desired unfettered access to. Her head dropped, hanging limply as a fresh surge of self-recrimination swept through her. "I'm a class A bitch, that's all you need to know," she spat, the venom purely directed internally.

"I fail to see how you would think that answers the concerns I have right now – both as a friend and as your co-Counsel on the Camanetti case. And why on earth would you think that about yourself anyway? Did you and Liv get into some sort of fight, _again_? I swear to God, if you did, I'm going to lock you both in a room together and refuse to let you out until you work it out," Abbie grumbled, reaching into the deli bag on the coffee table and pulling out a cellophane wrapped bran muffin just as Alex had requested. She held it out for the blonde to take, concern deepening by the second when Alex simply ferried it from Abbie's hand back to the coffee table.

"I damn near raped her, ok? Happy you know now?" the ADA growled, fighting to keep her voice down and her temper in check.

"What?" Abbie choked out. Her look of utter disbelief might have been comical under any other circumstances. "OK now you _have_ to explain that statement because if you don't, as an officer of the court, I'm going to be obliged to report a suspected sexual assault…and I really don't want to have to do that, Alex. So you start talking, right now."

"I was crying in the shower. She heard me and came in. I let my hormones overrule my brain. I kissed her, I groped her, I practically ripped her clothes off her. I took her into my bedroom, into my bed and I pinned her down and climbed on top of her. I fucked myself against her thigh and while I was doing that, while I had my mouth clamped over her nipple, I put my finger in her…and it hurt her, Abbie. _I_ hurt her but I still did it again…" Alex trailed off, tears coursing over her cheeks, perfectly manicured nails digging into her palms as she savagely clenched her fists.

"Did she ask you to stop?" Abbie asked simply, suspecting there was far more to the incident than Alex was giving her, more mitigating circumstances which would suggest at least some level of cooperation from the detective.

"No but that's no excuse. I know she's not ready for that. Sam hasn't even been dead much more than a month, how the hell could she be ready to sleep with another woman? But I still tried to fuck her, still took advantage of her." Alex shifted to the opposite end of the couch, as far away as she could from Abbie, as though not trusting herself to not do the same thing to the US Attorney.

"If she didn't ask you to stop, why did you?" Abbie persisted.

"Are you even listening to me? _I was hurting her_, why do you think I stopped?" Alex practically screamed, wrapping her arms around herself.

"I'm listening but the question is, are you? How many rapists have you prosecuted who stopped, not because their victim asked them to but because they didn't want to cause them pain? How many, Alex? Give me a number."

"What other people do is irrelevant here. I took advantage of her. I forced her into a position where she was always going to get hurt, if not physically then emotionally," Alex insisted, refusing to budge from her assertion that she was no better than those she worked so hard to put behind bars.

"Why were you crying? In the shower, why were you crying?" Abbie pressed, deciding to come at it from an alternative angle.

"It was Sam's Will reading yesterday. Olivia missed it because of a case…and because she was in my office," Abbie's head shot round in interest at the statement leading Alex to hurriedly clarify, "requesting a warrant! But she felt guilty about it because it had slipped her mind that she had an appointment with the Camanetti's. She visited them last night…and she told them about her feelings for me. Gina took it badly, very badly from what I can make out from the tidbits of information Fausto and Liv gave me. Fausto called after Liv fled from the restaurant, filled me in on what she said and what happened as a result of it. I'm very grateful he did. I took a gamble and went to her apartment when I couldn't find her anywhere else. I let myself in…and I found her under the water in the bath as though she was planning on trying to drown herself. I listened to her talking about wanting it all to end, wanting to go to sleep and not wake up and I told her I'd wait forever for her to be ready. I told her that and then the very next day, I prove I'm just full of shit but pouncing on her."

"So you were crying because…?" Abbie asked, still not entirely sure what in particular had caused the normally stoical blonde such grief, although she acknowledged it must have been difficult to try and support Liv through yet another devastating day.

"Because I was selfishly terrified I'll lose her. Because I'm so self-centred, all I was concerned about was whether _I_ was enough of a reason for her to want to go on living," Alex barked, the disgust she was levelling at herself rearing its head once more and marring her attractive face with a fierce glower. "And she blamed herself, for my tears. She thought it was her who had upset me and I did nothing to dissuade her of that notion. Nothing."

"When she found you crying in the shower, what did she do?" Abbie opted to question her friend dispassionately, much as she would a witness on the stand, ignoring the extraneous, irrelevant opinions offered in preference for cold hard fact.

"She climbed right on in next to me and held me to her, telling me how sorry she was. And then she promised me a future with her. She promised me she wouldn't leave me." Alex scoffed, "I can kiss that goodbye, now. She'll never trust me again."

"Was that when you kissed her?" Abbie sought to clarify, head reeling as her sleep-deprived mind struggled to comprehend the sequence of events.

"Shortly after that, yes. She turned the water off and suggested we talked more in the bedroom. I almost slipped as I stood up and she steadied me with her hand on my waist. I'd honestly forgotten I was naked until then. I made the mistake of looking down at her chest – the white vest she was wearing wasn't doing anything to hide her body from me and I was just staring at her breasts, practically drooling all over her like a puberty-ridden boy! _That_ was when I kissed her… or she kissed me… I'm not entirely clear on who initiated it but that's not the point. That's where it started, that's the point where I let reason fly out of the window and acted unforgivably selfishly."

Abbie knew Alex might possibly slap her for her next question but she hoped the shock value of it would make her see reason. "So it sounds like she kissed you back and was a willing participant in the lead up to what happened in the bedroom. Did you take pleasure from her pain? Did you get off despite hurting her? Did you cum, Alex?"

Silence descended on the room, an uncomfortable, heavy silence thick with the anticipation of an explosion about to happen. "Fuck you, Carmichael," Alex raged after a beat.

"That's not an answer I can accept, Alex. Did you cum?" Abbie reiterated, annunciating every individual word as she repeated her question.

"Of course not," Alex ground out, clearly furious but trying to contain it. Being on the receiving end of that intense ire sent chills down Abbie's spine but she held firm, knowing she was on the verge of getting through to the younger woman.

"And after you stopped? What did you do? Did you hit her for not giving you what you wanted? Did you tell her it was her fault? Did you belittle her about being too tight?" Abbie continued to push for a full disclosure of the events.

"No! I wouldn't…I couldn't, ever… It wasn't her fault, she couldn't help it. It's not like she deliberately tensed her muscles or anything. I told her it was her body's way of telling us she wasn't ready, not nearly ready," Alex admitted, the fire and anger draining from her almost as swiftly as it had risen.

"So after Olivia found you in a vulnerable and distressed state, she reached out to you, initiating physical contact despite you being unclothed. You shared a kiss which either of you could have instigated but in which both of you participated after which you led Olivia, at least semi-willingly, to bed, attempted to make love to her, which she made no attempt to prevent, and stopped when you realised she was physically incapable of consummating your coupling without experiencing pain. And then you went on to reassure her that you understood, that it was not her fault. Is that what you're telling me? Because if it is, and forgive me if I'm way off base here because I didn't work SVU as long as you have, that is quite possibly the weakest example of attempted rape ever presented and would never make it to court, let alone get a conviction." Abbie edged a little closer towards her tightly-wound friend, cautiously sliding one arm along the back of her shoulders, afraid that any sudden movement would cause her to bolt. "It was ill-advised, yes. It was too soon, yes. It must have been devastating, to think you caused her pain, of course. But it was _consensual_. Alex, from what you've told me, there was no point during the exchange where you ignored Olivia's freewill or prevented her from stopping you. There might be many reasons why she didn't, why she let it go as far as she did, just as I'm sure there are a lot of complex psychological roots in your own behaviour but it took both of you to act as you did for it to happen. You both bear the responsibility for it and will have to find some way to come to terms with it, without it destroying the closeness you share but I truly, honestly believe that if anyone can overcome all of these things, it's the two of you. The connection you have… you make even me want to find someone like that to see what all the fuss is about!" Abbie stated, only partially in jest. Seeing that her humour had fallen short of the mark, she tried to reassure her friend as best she could. "Look at this as just a temporary setback, a reminder of where you both are emotionally and psychologically right now, and how far you need to go to be where you need to be to take that next step. Any relationship is a marathon, rather than a sprint. You've had these feelings for long enough now to know that they won't go away if you wait a little while longer to act on them. And, Alex, just think of how incredible it is going to be on that day when you both _are_ ready to act on your feelings, together, fully knowing that it's each other you want and that neither of you are pining for a phantom love that doesn't exist." Abbie pulled Alex in closer via the one-armed hug she was giving her, coaxing the younger woman to take a little comfort from the support being offered.

"I really hope you're right, Abbie," Alex admitted wistfully. "And I really hope it isn't too awkward between Liv and I until then. I'm not sure I can handle months or possibly years of treading on eggshells with one another."

"Then make sure it doesn't come to that. Forgive yourself for what happened this morning – and I'm not saying that'll happen overnight – but once you have, don't change how you are with her. In turn and in time, Liv too will relax again and any lingering tension will subside."

For a moment, the two women simply sat in silence, side by side, Alex's head resting lightly on Abbie's shoulder. With a deep sigh of resignation, the blonde attorney murmured a heartfelt, "thanks, Abbie. It's good to know I can count on you as a friend, despite what happened last time you were in town. And…just so you're under no illusion that you're losing your touch…I'll never regret that you were my first. If circumstances were different, and you were the relationship type, I'd have been interested to see where we could have taken what we had."

"If circumstances had been different…you might just have been the one woman I'd have made an exception for where relationships are concerned," the Texan conceded quietly, leaning forward to retrieve hers and Alex's food from where it lay abandoned on the table. This time, the ADA accepted the proffered muffin with a sweet, shy smile in her companion's direction, feeling a little more settled by their talk.

"So, given the circumstances, I think it would be unwise and unfair to thrust Liv into the limelight by dragging her along to this fundraiser on Friday. Would you… I mean, it sounds awful, like I'm only asking you because I can't take her but… I'd be really grateful if you'd accompany me to the Foundation fundraiser, if you think you could stand an evening of my company." Alex fiddled nervously with the final crumbs of her bran muffin, frustratedly folding the wrapper around them and tossing it back onto the coffee table. She reached for her latte, cradling that in her hands and staring intently at the lid as she waited for Abbie's response.

"I would be honoured to go with you to the Foundation fundraiser and I am sure I can not only stand your company but thoroughly enjoy it. I'll even be your decoy if you need one to fend off any particularly enthusiastic suitors your aunt sees fit to sic on you," Abbie offered benevolently, thinking an evening of pretending to have the arm of the stunning blonde Goddess, whose slender legs seemed to stretch on for miles.

"Be careful what you promise me, Miss Carmichael. I'm an attorney and will take your word as a legally binding verbal transaction," Alex retorted smartly, her humour returning as talk drifted away from the stressful situation that had occurred earlier that morning.

"Then I'll be sure to include a buyout clause that states I'll unashamedly ditch you should a better offer along!" Abbie purred, raising her own takeout cup of freshly ground coffee and proposing a mock toast. "To what is sure to be an entertaining evening and the continuance of a friendship I hope will stand the test of time."

Alex tilted her cup, knocking it gingerly against Abbie's and repeating the toast back to her with a genuine, warm smile.

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><p><strong><em>In the next chapter, I will address the aftermath of the morning and the previous daynight from Olivia's point of view but I suspect that might take an *entire* chapter by itself! 'Til next time, good people, I bid you a fond farewell :)_**


	54. Chapter 54

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Firstly, apologies for the delay in posting this chapter - I've hit a busy time at the office so have been working overtime which has limited my chances to get anything written. Also, the chapter I had intended to write didn't materialise, or at least not in the way that I'd envisaged, so it took me a while to work through that frustration and accept this slightly different direction for the continuance. Hope it doesn't disappoint too much :)**_

_**Secondly, I appreciate all reviews - the good, the bad and the ugly - and I thank you all for taking the time to write anything. Everyone has a right to their own opinion and a right to voice it...all I would wish for is that opinions of any nature are voiced with respect for the opposite point of view too. We're all borrowing these characters for fun purposes therefore what is generated is merely one individual's interpretation of those characters outside the bounds of where we normally see them portrayed. As for what constitutes constructive criticism, for me that would be suggesting greater research into laws/locations/holiday dates to prevent future mistakes, a suggestion to beta-read a piece to cut down on spelling and grammatical errors etc, something which gives a writer a targeted means of improving what they write rather than simply saying you don't like something without further explanation. If you really feel the need to tell me that, in your opinion, any aspect of the story is ridiculous/pathetic/unbelievably stupid etc, please feel free to do so, preferably via PM, so that I can at least reply to any points raised and discuss why you feel that way. I won't use it to tell you you're wrong but I would be interested to know the grounds on which you've reached that decision. I'm not forcing anyone to read/like this, I'm writing it mainly for my own enjoyment but given that there are those reading who also enjoy it, I'd rather not have the reviews section become an area for heated debate unnecessarily. I'll never be churlish and threaten to pull the plug on the story should people disagree over its merits but I would like to hope that we can all remain civilised in respecting one another's rights to speak their minds and defend either side of the debate without recrimination.**_

_**Enough on that. Thank you to those of you still reading. Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**09.04**_

_**Manhattan Special Victims' Unit**_

"I should kick your ass into next week but, for reasons I don't quite understand, I'm giving you this one chance to tell me why you keep doing this, Elliot. One chance and one chance only. You're either honest with me, completely honest, right here, right now or we're done. For good. No more chances, no more taking you back as a partner when you decide you're a little bit tired or pissed or whatever you have going on that causes you to lash out like that at me. So talk." Liv stood in the corner of the interview room, arms folded across her chest in typical defensive stance, physically and emotionally distancing herself from the brawny detective she had been paired with for so many years.

Elliot had been surprised when the brunette had summoned him as soon as he arrived in the squad room, fearing she was gearing up to tell him he'd finally blown it completely. He took his time to formulate a response, leaning against a table at the edge of the room, arms braced against its surface, posture open in contrast to the woman glaring at him across the small room. "I've lain awake all night asking myself the same question. I'm not proud of it, of what I said and I know I have no right to expect you to forgive me for what I implied. I don't even know _why_ I said it, I don't believe that's who you are, not for a second. I… The only thing that I keep coming back to is…God this makes me sound like a pathetic jerk… I'm jealous. We're partners, we've been partners for more years than either of us probably want to think about, and I always hoped that you'd talk to me if ever you found someone you wanted to spend your life with. When I found out Sam was your lover, that was the first slap in the face but to find out that Alex Cabot knew about it before I did…well my ego took that as a low blow. Rightly or wrongly, it hurt to know you talked to a woman you've known a fraction of the time I've known you about something, some_one_, so important to you. And then after it happened, you kept shutting me out, you and Alex between you, like she was the only one who could understand what you were feeling, what you were going through." He held a hand up to forestall her immediate objection. "Please, just hear me out? You can chew me a new one all you like once you hear it all but please, just let me get this out there, ok?" He waited to receive confirmation before continuing, "I realise that none of us can really know what it is that you're having to deal with because none of us have ever been in that position and as selfish as it sounds, I pray to God none of us ever are because I could never handle it as stoically as you have. If something like that happened to Kathy… I spent a good deal of last night thinking about that too, really thinking about it, not just in passing. If I had been faced with the decision you had to make…I can't honestly say I wouldn't have gone against every moral and ethical standard I have tried to live up to my entire life and done everything I could to save Kathy, regardless of the cost.

"It's no excuse and it makes me sound – and feel – like a whiny child vying for the cool kid's attention but every time I try to talk to you, whenever I try to be a supportive partner to you as best I can, Alex is always there. I know you two are friends and she has been good enough to give you a refuge since you came out of hospital but I've got to be honest, Liv, the way you two are with each other concerns me sometimes. She has more than friendship in mind from you and I just don't think you need that sort of thing around you to muddy the waters at the minute. If she was any kind of true friend to you, she wouldn't be trying to insinuate herself into every facet of your life and make herself invaluable to you in the hopes you'll give her what she wants in return. You can't possibly be in a position to pursue any kind of complex relationship right now. What you need is friends, who will be there looking out for your interests and your interests only, no one else's and certainly not their own. I think that was partly what prompted my bout of insanity-induced BS yesterday, powered by a shameful lack of sleep and lack of dignity which loosened my tongue far too much. I'm worried about you, about what happens to you once you leave Alex's and she's _not_ there all the time. Not because I approve of the way she's seeming to encourage you to rely on her but because of that reliance I see growing. Have you spent much time alone – I mean really alone, sleeping alone without her in the apartment, over 24 hours without seeing her – since Sam's death? How do you know how you're really dealing with losing Sam if you've just substituted one domestic partner with another ready-made and more than willing replacement?

"You see me as this chauvinistic, bigoted ass and I understand why – because that's how I've let my concerns manifest themselves when you're around but it's not about the fact that Sam was a woman or that Alex is either. It's not about my religion and my beliefs telling me I should condemn you to Hell if you won't repent your evil ways. Of course, it's not what I would have chosen for you, if I had any kind of say in who you build a life with outside of work, but that's because of the struggles and the inequalities and the prejudice I know you'll face… and the increased risks living an openly gay life brings because of the narrow-minded hatred of others. But I wasn't completely blind to the changes in you this last year and even though you denied it, I figured there must be someone behind the secret smiles, the earlier than usual finishes and the phone calls you tried so hard to hide. She was good for you, even in the dark from the outside, I could tell that. I think, in all the years I've known you, that's the first time I could ever have described you as completely content. No matter what the Bible says, I know the God I believe in wouldn't condemn any kind of love that brings that amount of happiness. And neither can I. I just don't want to see you hurt by someone, _anyone_, taking advantage of you while you're down." Elliot's mind stalled momentarily, before he hastened to add, "I'm not trying to justify how I've behaved towards you but you asked for an explanation and that's the best I can give you, for now at least, while I work out the rest."

Liv remained motionless, face set in an impenetrable mask throughout Elliot's speech. She took her time, considering his words before choosing her own. She blinked slowly, arms reaching further around herself in an unconscious hugging motion. At length she asked, "so this is going to keep happening any time I confide in someone that isn't you? Any time Alex and I are in the same room because you can't handle the fact that I talk to her rather than talk to you?"

"Now that I recognise why I was acting that way, I'd hope not and if I show any signs of it, I give you full permission to ream my ass for it wherever we are when it happens. But my concerns regarding Alex's intentions towards you aren't going to go away overnight. Seriously, Olivia, _have_ you spent much time without Alex there, hovering over you?" the swarthy detective pressed gingerly, knowing he was on very shaky ground.

"Alex hasn't been hovering," Liv snapped automatically leaping to the younger woman's defence. "She's been a damn good friend to me both before and since Sam's death. She accepted our relationship, right from the beginning, she never once told me I shouldn't be happy to have found that kind of love. And since…in the last month, she's been so supportive, so strong in helping me put one foot in front of the other every day, even when I thought I couldn't."

"And what does she get in return? What does she get from you for all this generosity and support?" Elliot argued, not unreasonably he thought, trying to cut through the… brainwashing, for wont of a better word, his partner seemed to have been subjected to.

"I'm not sure I follow? What makes you so certain Alex is after anything more than the knowledge that she helped me through this, like any friend worth their salt would, like _I_ would if our situations were reversed? Are you seriously telling me that you think she's been, what grooming me, all this time just so she can get into my pants? Do you even _know_ Alex at all? What put that ridiculous thought in your head in the first place?" Olivia exploded furiously. "This is unbelievable!"

"Is it? Why are you so defensive if there's no truth in it? I might not have spent time away from work with her like you have but I recognise lust, desire and infatuation when I see it," Elliot insisted.

"That's what you see when you see us together?" The fire faded instantly, replaced by tentative enquiry.

"In Alex? Yes, I do," Elliot replied simply.

"And in me? What do you see in me?" Liv asked, fearfully.

"Honestly? I see someone who's conflicted and susceptible to suggestion and who needs time and space to find out what it is she really wants from her life, her future. I see a woman who is still trying to make some kind of sense out of the brutal loss of a cherished loved one and not really knowing what to do with the hurt and the anger and the emptiness inside of her. I see someone who is phoning it in on a job that she used to live for because of the above and that is by no means a criticism of your professionalism. I've just known you long enough to know when you're not fully engaged. You came close with Theresa Gabbidon but there was still…a distance. It wouldn't be noticeable to anyone else I wouldn't have thought but I know you, Olivia, inside and out. Whether you like it or not, I know you and I know that you're not handling Sam's death as well as you lead us all to believe…as well as you want to believe you are yourself."

"What would you have me do, Elliot? Sit at home – my home, the apartment I shared with Sami, pining for her for months on end? Should I become a recluse and refuse to see anyone? How, in your expert opinion, am I supposed to be acting? What am I not doing, precisely, that you think I should be doing? I am doing the best I can to keep on living, to move on from what happened and whether you appreciate her methods or not, Alex has been instrumental in getting me this far. Whatever is between us is not something borne solely in the aftermath of Sam's death. It's complicated," Liv rambled, attempting to explain the complexities of her situation with Alex.

"Precisely…and it shouldn't be, at least not for the moment. I'm not saying never explore whatever attraction there is you and Alex, if once you're truly over Sam's death you still find you have those kinds of feelings for her but right now, can you honestly say that you want Alex and only Alex in your arms? In your bed? Can you really say you don't still have a large part of you that wishes it was Sam? If you can't, is it really fair, to either you or Alex to take it any further? There's no right or wrong way to grieve someone, Liv. You and only you can know what's best for you, I just don't want to see you being convinced something is right when it's not." Elliot risked taking a few steps towards his partner, testing the waters to see how willing she was to let him approach. When he felt no increased hostility, he continued to draw nearer, still with some caution and trepidation. Finally, as he came to stand beside her, mirroring her pose, he sighed, "I honestly do care about you, perhaps more than I should and perhaps I let that cloud my judgement and my actions, but it comes from not wanting to see you hurt any more than you already have been. All I've ever wanted was for you to be happy."

"I was. For the first time in my life, I was completely and wholly happy. Everything made sense, everything I'd ever questioned, suddenly I understood it – I had a family who weren't afraid to show their love for each other, I had a lover who seemed to know when I needed her without me even having to say a word, I had a reason to go home, someone that even after witnessing the worst aspects of humanity could make me smile and put it out of my mind for a few hours at least. I had a future I was looking forward to, not one I knew I simply had to get through." Olivia shook her head sadly. "But that's all gone now and I need to find a way to learn to live again. Before I had all that, I might have wanted it, I might have craved it but I didn't really know what I was missing, I didn't know how it all felt to be in that moment, in that place where you want for nothing more than you have already. Now that I do, I can't just go back to how I was, to _who_ I was. The job alone isn't enough, not any more. I need more than this."

"It's not all gone. You still have Sam's family, her parents. They seem to be very keen to keep you in their lives…" Elliot protested.

"They were…until yesterday," Olivia admitted.

"What happened yesterday?" the ex-marine asked, offering to be a sounding board for his partner.

"I told them that I have feelings for another woman…for Alex. Gina couldn't accept it, she doesn't want to see me and I can understand why, as much as it hurts to think of not seeing them again. I've no desire to knowingly cause anyone pain but my being around seems to be doing that a lot just lately. If it wasn't for me, Sam wouldn't have been targeted, she wouldn't have been killed and Gina and Fausto wouldn't have had to lose their daughter."

"You can't know that, Liv, not for certain. We don't know the details of the investigation into Samia's death. There could be any number of reasons behind the bombing…" Elliot tried in an attempt to assuage his partner's guilt.

"I think it's perfectly clear from the messages I was sent that I am responsible for the anger and hatred which led to that bomb being strapped to my fiancée. I appreciate what you're trying to do but false platitudes are not what I need," the brunette replied wearily.

"Well I hope, for all of you, that you can reconcile with Sam's parents. Families need to draw together at times like this, not let it drive them apart. I can't help but feel you were a bit premature in telling them about your feelings for Alex – I mean _do_ you know what you feel for Alex is real? Can you be entirely certain that what happened to Sam hasn't driven you to mistake a deep, close friendship for something else? Don't you feel it is a little soon to be acting on an attraction even if it is there and real and available?" Elliot pressed gently.

"I don't know what to think about anything anymore. I thought I was ready, I thought I knew what I wanted but then… I… Alex and I… we almost slept together this morning but I couldn't… it… I… I just couldn't do it when it came to it. And Alex stopped, as soon as she realised it was… that I wasn't ready. She wouldn't have done that if she was just using me, would she? She'd have kept going regardless until she was satisfied if it was all about her needs, wouldn't she?"

"I don't think you want to hear what I believe," Elliot responded carefully.

"I do. I promise to try not to fly off the handle at you. Please, Elliot, you've been honest with me up to now today, don't stop now. I…I'm not sure I trust my own judgement at the minute. Be a friend to me. You say you care about me, prove it now by telling me what you think I need to hear, even if I might not like it," Liv instructed.

Elliot looked closely at the woman beside him, at her slumped posture, at her defeated expression and made his mind up. "Ok, you want my honest opinion. Here it is: I don't think anyone who cared about you as much as Alex claims to would put you in that position so soon after the brutal, unexpected death of your fiancée. If she loves you as much as she has led you to believe she does, she would realise that a new relationship is the last thing you need right now and she wouldn't initiate any kind of physical intimacy for a long, long time yet and if and when it gets to that stage between you two, she should allow you to be the instigator so you'll both know for certain that it is what you want. I don't doubt that she has genuine feelings for you – I'll admit I had my own suspicions about how close you two were before she was shot – but I do worry she's unconsciously taking advantage of where you're at right now to fulfil her own needs without stopping to really consider what damage it could do to both of you in the long run. I think that maybe it's time for you to move out of her place and learn to live by yourself again, to stand on your own two feet without any kind of crutch there constantly. That's not to say you should cut all ties with her, just that some distance might help both of you gain some perspective on what's going on between you and help you decide if it's really something you want as your future."

The door to the interview room burst open, revealing their captain with a deeply concerned expression on his face. "I told you, Stabler, you weren't to approach Detective Benson…" the fatherly man growled protectively.

"Captain, he didn't. I asked to speak with him. It's ok, we're ok…we're ok," Olivia repeated, as though it was a revelation to her also.

"We are?" Elliot questioned, not hiding his surprise.

"We are… as long as you don't ever pull anything like that again," Liv warned gravely. "But I do appreciate your honesty, Elliot and I'm not dismissing what you've said without giving it a lot of thought. Despite how it's seemed recently, I do honestly think that you care."

"That's all very touching but I still think a little distance is needed for the time being. I can't afford for either of you to behave like you did yesterday on the job. I spoke with Sergeant Munch and Detective Tutuola yesterday. I'm reassigning you to new partners for a temporary period, consider it probation until I'm satisfied you can be civil towards one another for longer than a few days. Olivia, you'll work with Fin. Elliot, you're with Munch. No arguments, no negotiations, no exceptions. Now get to it. We still have a rapist to catch before he snatches his next victim."

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**12.32**_

_**Manhattan Special Victims' Unit**_

Abbie strolled into the squad room, gaze swiftly roaming around the bustling bullpen, finally landing on the attractive brunette she had come looking for. Olivia was leaning on Fin's desk, their heads bent together as they looked at something on the computer screen, the ex-narcotics detective pointing something out to his colleague.

"…could be some sort of warped pattern in all this. They almost seem too random to be random," Fin claimed.

"Ever a lover of backwards logic there, Detective," Abbie drawled, announcing her presence.

Olivia spun around, flashing a brief smile at her friend before striding closer and surprising the younger brunette with a quick, tight hug. "Alex said you were flying back in overnight. What can we do for you, Counsellor?" she asked, suspecting it was not a social call.

"I was actually wondering if I could borrow you for a few minutes, Liv. There's something I need to discuss with you, about Samia's case," Abbie requested softly, having more than just the case she wanted to talk about but not wanting anyone to know who needn't.

"Go ahead, I got this. It'll take this hunk of junk a while to go through all the data we plugged into it anyway. If it's ready before you're back, I'll give you a shout," Fin promised before Olivia could object.

"Thanks, Fin," Abbie said, grateful to him for the lack of fuss he made.

The two women walked a short distance away from the detective's desk, Abbie looking around at the hive of activity.

"Is there somewhere quiet we can talk?" she asked a little doubtfully.

"There's the lounge upstairs, that's less crowded, fewer ears to overhear us," the athletic brunette suggested waiting for a confirmatory nod before taking off up the short flight of steps and flopping onto the well worn couch a little way away from the balcony overlooking the squad room. The noise was less of a roar up there but there was still a dull rumble of voices wafting up from below. Given that it appeared to be the only option Liv was planning on considering, Abbie accepted it would have to do. "So what can I do for you? Or is it that you have news for me? Are you ready to charge someone for Sam's murder?" Liv asked, getting straight to the point.

"Unfortunately not, not yet at least although we are making some headway on her case. How much do you know about Craig Jackson? Did Samia mention him much?" Abbie asked, settling herself into the sofa beside her friend, taking a moment to study her as the older woman formulated a response to the questions asked of her.

"She did talk about him, a fair bit. He was…he unnerved her. The attention he gave to her, some of the things he said and implied were bordering on outright harassment but never quite enough to report him and have the school's board take action against him – not that they were likely to have done even if she had reported his behaviour to them. As much as she loved that school and its kids, even she admitted that the people responsible for it were close-minded and none too liberal in their opinions. She doubted they would have seen Jackson suggesting she was promoting a lesbian agenda and asking her to refrain from doing so as a bad thing, that they'd have been likely to agree with him that any endorsement of anything other than traditional family values should be strongly discouraged, to protect the innocent, vulnerable minds of the children who attend the school." Liv's eyes became hard as she recalled some of the more heated debates she and Sam had had regarding the need to hide her sexuality from the school.

"Did she ever mention him having made advances towards her? Trying to persuade her to pursue a relationship with him?" the US Attorney enquired cautiously, really not wanting to upset her friend but having requested to be the one to speak with her about the matter rather than the detectives.

"Nothing serious. She told me of this one time when he had asked her to dance at one of the end of term proms. She turned him down, told him it wasn't appropriate because people – both the students and the staff – might get the wrong impression about them and that there were already enough rumours about them as it was. She did tell me that he seemed keen to fan the flames of those rumours, that he suggested they should prove whoever started them right and be honest about their feelings for one another. She promised me she told him that she felt nothing for him. Is he saying they were in a relationship? Is he claiming that she was cheating on me with him? It's BS if he is, Abbie. I may be confused about a lot of things right now but there is no way she'd do that. No way on earth, not with anyone but certainly not with him. She could barely stand to be in the same room as him, she'd never willingly go out of her way to be alone with him."

"It's just a line of enquiry. We have to pursue everything and prove which are truths and which are fallacies so we can build a case, you know that yourself. We're talking to everyone who knew Sam but I thought you'd appreciate me asking the difficult questions slightly more than Morientes or Sykes. As much as they're good detectives from what I've seen, occasionally their approach to dealing with interviewing innocent parties can be a little robust," Abbie stated with a shrug, mind replaying what Olivia had said during her vehement defence of Sam's loyalty. "What is it you're confused about, Olivia?" she asked, switching seamlessly from attorney to friend in the time it took her to draw breath.

"Too much to get into right now. You don't have time, neither do I." There was a finality to the statement which troubled the Texan but what concerned her more was the closed off expression and flat tone with which it was uttered, the detective's defences firmly in place.

"I can make time if you need someone to talk things through with? I have a feeling I might know at least part of what's troubling that big brain of yours," Abbie suggested, twisting around to more fully face her friend.

"Why would you?" Liv asked incredulously before a light of realisation spread over her exotic features. "Alex." It wasn't a question, not a request for confirmation, merely a statement of fact that she believed to be true.

"She was worried she'd overstepped the mark this morning," Abbie admitted quietly. Olivia's head snapped up, eyes boring into cagey brown orbs.

"_She told you what happened?_" Liv whispered ferociously, clearly less than impressed with the younger woman's willingness to share the details of their intimate close encounter with anyone else.

"She compared what happened between you to attempted rape. She was pretty distressed about the whole thing and blames herself entirely for what happened, for hurting you, for pushing you into something you weren't ready for." Abbie's tone was one of forced nonchalance even as her words cut Liv to the quick.

"What the hell…?" the brunette detective barked. "She can't think that's what I saw this morning as, does she? Please tell me she's not convinced herself I blame her for that? We were both there. We both admitted before it got that far that we shouldn't but we _both_ let it continue. It shouldn't have happened but it is not just her fault. I need to make sure she knows that, I should talk to her later."

"So if that's not what's confusing you, what is?" Abbie questioned, a bemused expression adorning her attractive features.

"It is…partly at least…in a way. Elliot and I talked this morning. I think for the first time he was completely honest with me and some of the concerns he has…I can't dismiss them outright as being unjustified. As much as I've been telling myself and anyone else who'd listen that my feelings for Sam and Alex are entirely separate, when I stop to think about them I get less sure of that. What if I've jumped the gun and told Alex what she wanted to hear but it's not the truth? What if the feelings I used to have for her have faded and I'm only feeling the way I do now because I'm missing Sam? What if I get into a relationship with her only to hurt her because I can't return her feelings? What if I lost the closest thing to family I've known for nothing? And then I get to thinking about whether I really had as deep feelings for Sam as I thought I did or if I was just using her as a substitute for Alex. I've no idea what to believe any more. I don't trust myself to really know what's real and what's being generated as a result of losing Sami."

"No one can claim to know what will or won't happen in the future. In any relationship there are risks involved and even when you're certain of your feelings for someone else, that doesn't guarantee you'll live happily ever after. Even if you were a hundred percent sure that it was Alex you wanted to be in a committed relationship with, that wouldn't be a failsafe assurance that the reality of being with her lived up to your ideals. And if Gina and Fausto love you as much as it sounds like they do, they'll find their own way to make peace with you having to move on with your life – although you probably could have given them a while longer to get used to their daughter not being around before you sprung a new relationship on them." At the withering look she received, Abbie protested, "what? I'm just saying that from their point of view it must be shocking to hear you talking about making a life with someone else so soon after you were talking about doing the same with Sam. Rightly or wrongly, I can understand why Gina might have felt that undermined everything you claimed to feel about Samia but that doesn't make it true, doesn't necessarily mean you didn't love her as much as you think you did. And it's not, or at least it shouldn't be, an issue to anyone if it takes you weeks, months, hell even years more before you figure out if Sam really was the one for you or if Alex is it or if neither of them are but they were amazing lovers while it lasted. When you're ready, you'll know in your own mind what the truth is. Until then, why don't you just enjoy being good, close friends with Alex without putting either of you under pressure to take it further? I'll be honest with you, Liv, because in spite of everything you have going on, I think you can take it and I think you'd want to know. I'm worried about Alex. I'm worried about how much stress she's under right now and I'm seriously thinking of asking someone else to be second chair on the investigation – not because I don't think she's doing a good job, I do, but she has so many other cases she's trying to juggle as well. And with trying to be the best person she can for you too, in any context, I'm worried she's spreading herself too thinly and that at some point, something has to give. Just as you don't need added complications right now, neither does Alex."

"I worry about her too. I'm looking for a new apartment, in fact I've got an appointment to view one tomorrow evening after work. I think it's probably for the best if I move out as soon as I can and give her some space. If I'm not there, if she's not constantly having to worry about me, she might be less on edge and actually get some rest when she's at home. Less time around one another would also reduce the chances of either of us crossing that line again as well…and it will give me a chance to see how I'm really coping with not having Sam around. Elliot made a good point earlier when he said I'd just switched one domestic partnership for another. For myself and for any future that Alex and I have, I need to be sure I grieve Sam's loss fully, that I'm confident with who I am and what I want from life and any relationship I enter before I rush into something and end up hurting her. I'm not willing to risk that. I'm not willing to risk doing that, not to her. But I want her to feel involved, I don't want her to think it's a kneejerk reaction to this morning. Do you think, if I asked her, she'd come to view the apartment with me? Are you around? Would you come too? For both of us? I know Alex values your support and I…value your honesty. I know you'll tell me if you think the place is a rat-hole." Liv raised her eyes, fixing Abbie with a hopeful stare.

"I think, if you explain it to her the way you just explained it to me, Alex will fully support your decision and be more than willing to come with you to look at a new apartment. I will too, of course I will if that's what you'd like. Just make sure she knows you're not running away from her, ok? I'm loathe to put any more pressure on either of you right now but I think you do need to be aware that she needs you to be a good friend to her just as much as you need her. I agree that some space is probably a wise thing right now, let you both gain some perspective on this attraction that's growing between you, so long as you both feel able and willing to call on each other any time you want company. And as long as you're careful – there's still someone out there who's bearing a grudge against you for whatever reason so I hope this place we're going to view has some pretty hefty security measures in place."

"You don't think it's Jackson that's behind it then?" Liv queried, allowing a little of her anxiety at the reference to the threat still being current to show.

"We're not entirely sure of the extent to which he's involved but no, we don't believe he built the bombs which means he's either the inspiration behind the attacks or a convenient scapegoat for the real perpetrator to hide behind. Until we've found the bomber, you really do need to take the ongoing threat seriously and be at least somewhat cautious," Abbie advised, realising it was tantamount to teaching her grandmother to suck eggs but needing to say it out loud for her own peace of mind, knowing that way she had done everything she could to help protect the detective.

"Seems I'm collecting crazies at the minute," Liv muttered mindlessly.

"What does that mean?" Abbie pounced on the dark statement with a frown.

"This rapist we're investigating at the minute, I put myself in his sights as a tactic to try and get him to trip himself up. We're waiting to see if he took the bait. Trouble is, he seemed a little too interested in Alex as well – she was in the squad room when he was brought in for questioning, I couldn't help but act protectively towards her. I need to know she's going to have someone looking out for her after I move out. I know it's a lot to ask and she wouldn't appreciate me suggesting she can't take care of herself but is there any way you could maybe stay with her while you're here in New York, once I'm out of the way and she has her spare room back? I don't even…I won't object if you and she pick up where you left off last time if it means she has some companionship and someone to know that she makes it home safely each night.…" Liv assured, ignoring the pang of jealousy images of Alex and Abbie together caused.

"Get those ideas out of your mind. I wouldn't do that to either of you, not now I understand what's at stake for you both. Yes, I find Alex attractive and if things were different I wouldn't turn down the opportunity to take her to my bed again but they're not. Things are as they are and I wouldn't knowingly continue to sleep with her when casual sex isn't what she needs or wants, certainly not from me. I was wrong to let it happen before and I won't be letting it happen again. If, and it will be entirely down to Alex, but if she wants company – of an entirely platonic nature – once you've moved out then I would be more than happy to crash in her spare room. Hell, her apartment is way more decadent than the motel I'm staying in on the crappy budget I've been set, I'd be mad to turn down the opportunity to sleep in a comfortable bed where I don't have to worry about how many DNA samples the mattress contains. But regardless, whether I end up staying with her or not, between us, I'm sure we can persuade her to check in with at least one of us every night. If for no other reason than to get some peace because if she doesn't agree to it, I will be constantly phoning her to see where she's at!" Abbie stated firmly, prepared to make a deal with the doormen at the apartment complex if needs be to monitor the younger attorney's comings and goings.

Liv nodded her agreement, vaguely hopeful that between them they could persuade Alex that they were simply looking out for her best interests. "I'll miss being with her," the brunette admitted quietly.

"I'm sure she'll miss you being there too but it's for the best, Olivia. You know it is," Abbie assured warmly, giving the detective's toned forearm a quick squeeze before retracting her hand when heavy footfalls sounded bounding up the stairs.

"Liv, we got something you're gonna want to check out," Fin exclaimed, almost bouncing on the spot in his excitement. "Sorry to bust in, but this could be the break we've been looking for."

"It's fine, I should get back anyway and let you get on. I'll see you tomorrow, Olivia," Abbie stated, rising from the couch with one final pointed look in the older woman's direction.

"Thanks Abbie, I'll let you know what time and where," Liv promised earnestly, dragging her own carcass to her feet and turning her attention to her excited temporary partner. "Lead on then and show me this miraculous discovery. I'll take great delight in throwing Markson's ass in jail."


	55. Chapter 55

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Thank you to all those who read/reviewed the last chapter and thank you to choeyfan88 for bringing my rapid aging of Olivia to my attention! When I get chance, I will find that and edit it!**_

_**I was aiming to get this online tomorrow but since sleep is yet to call me, I figured, what the heck, I might as well celebrate Wednesday by posting it now instead (partly fuelled and encouraged by the fact I'm watching an old episode of SVU, S2 ep16 which has plenty of Alex Cabot badass-ness in it and partly fuelled by Fearless74's review. I'd hate you to have to suffer those withdrawal symptoms any longer than necessary!) Hope you all enjoy (and there aren't too many typos etc that I've missed - I may not be sleeping yet but I am running on fumes alone!) Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**14.56**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"That's the last of them that the computer's linked so far," Fin advised as another dot appeared on the large display screen. "There's a lot more than we thought to begin with if these are all related attacks."

"How come this didn't flag up originally?" Olivia asked somewhat sceptically, fearing the computer's search engine had not been as discriminatory as they themselves would have been when comparing cases for similarities.

"The criteria we used for the search was pretty specific; the type of wire, the branding of the victims, the areas the victims were found, plus the partial licence plate that was spotted at three of the known linked cases. The case details had to match at least three of the parameters for it to be included in the results so there's a high probability of related hits. Do they fit the pattern we found earlier?" Fin questioned, stepping back from the screen to better see the overall layout of the locations of the results from the search they had performed.

"There's definitely a correlation with a high number of them. If you look, there's only a couple here and four or five here which deviate from what we'd expect if your theory is accurate," Liv stated, tracing her finger over the lines of red dots. "What kind of sick mind comes up with something like this?" She pondered, sickened by the thought of someone targeting women who happened to stray through a particular zone just so the perpetrator could continue his depraved tattoo of the city. The investigations Fin had been conducting had led them to a further seven assaults which could be linked to the rapes they were liking Markson for. Those additional attacks, when plotted on a map appeared to form the letters 'A' and 'T'. The knowledge that whoever was responsible could have struck more times than originally assumed led Fin to cross reference against the database containing all reported crimes, narrowing the parameters down by a range of dates as well as the known facts from their current case. More than thirty similar assaults had been returned as possible matches, which when added to the most recent assaults spelt 'U', 'C', 'A', 'N', 'T', 'C'. It had taken them a few moments to work out the pattern but had drawn the conclusion that the rapist was taunting them with the message, 'you can't catch me'.

"Well at least it gives us a target area to be on the lookout for him," Fin intoned, drawing attention to a region on the map where they could surmise he would be stalking his next victims.

"Can we match Markson's customers against these areas? See if there's anyone around there who has had work done by the firm he works for within the last month or two? I think we need to reconsider that he selects the next target after he's assaulted his previous victim. What if he has already staked out the area and picked who he is going to go after next by the time he makes his move? He might scope out a place, fix on one, maybe two women he sees there regularly, and then narrow it down, stalking his next victim after the thrill of the previous one fades," Liv hypothesized, trying to put herself in the mindset of the latest abuser to cross their paths.

"It's worth investigating. Ok so, what do we have around here?" Fin pulled up a directory of businesses and populated premises within the area of interest. "A clinic, office buildings, a gym, apartments, a day care facility, a hair salon, the New Yorker Hotel and a couple of restaurants. Could be a whole lot of women at any one of those places, how's he choose the women he goes after?"

"Every time we think we're getting somewhere, it's like he's deliberately setting us up to fail. He has no specific type of woman, they have nothing in common that we've managed to pin down; various ages, ethnicities, hair colour, eye colour, body type, marital status and sexual orientation. What was it you said before about them being too random to be truly random? I wonder if the same goes for his victims. Do we have details on the victims in all these other possible linked cases?" Fin nodded. "Let's map them out too, we might begin to see a pattern that wasn't apparent before."

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**16.19**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"Let me get this right; you want me to sanction an operation which will take up huge amounts of man hours with absolutely no guarantee of preventing another attack? Run by me again the theory behind this request," Captain Cragen ordered, letting his exasperation show at the prospect of having to justify authorising so much overtime with a low prospect of successfully apprehending their suspect.

"It doesn't have to be a huge operation to begin with, just Liv, myself and a few other officers to scope out those few blocks, get a feel for where someone like Markson might lie in wait for a potential victim, see if we can spot anyone who matches the loose profile we've managed to put together with Huang based on the vague pattern we distinguished when looking at the fuller picture of attacks. We have every reason to believe that his next victim with be Caucasian, mid to late 30's, no children, probably no significant other of either gender waiting at home for her. It needs to be low key so nothing tips him off that we're watching if he is in the area. Last thing we need is him disappearing into the sewers like the rat he is and making it even more difficult for us to stop him," Fin supplied, imploring their captain to see the worth of mounting the stake.

"And you really think Detective Benson is the best person to perform this surveillance with you, give her recent history with Markson? Do you not think there's a high risk he might recognise her after her stellar efforts to rile him when he came in for questioning?" Cragen pointed out reasonably.

"So send Munch with Fin, Captain. I'm quite prepared to stay out of sight and work on the victims angle of the investigation if it means we can prevent anyone else having to go through what these women have. I'd like to re-interview each of the victims in the attacks we now believe to be linked, see if any of them can't give us something more concrete to work with," Olivia replied, making it clear she was not about to let her ego override what was in the best interests of the investigation.

"I think that is a better place to begin. We know his time frame. We can be confident he won't attack again for at least ten days. Use that time to talk to all these women, any witnesses from these assaults, make nice with the original investigating detectives and encourage a spirit of co-operation. Let's see if we can't trip Markson up somehow or find something concrete which will help us to prevent another attack." As Captain Cragen dismissed his detectives, the sound of familiar heels could be heard clicking along the corridor towards the squad room. Olivia's heart rate increased slightly at the thought of seeing Alex for the first time since that morning, hoping any tension between them would not be too blatantly obvious. All thoughts of their personal issues evaporated as the enigmatic blonde rounded the corner. Though she was trying valiantly to hide it, the detective in Olivia immediately picked up on the attorney's distress.

"Counsellor, how'd it go in court? They throw him back where he belongs?" Munch asked as he too spied the usually formidable woman.

"Unfortunately not, no. The judge overturned the verdict and nullified the conviction. The evidence we had presented at trial apparently wasn't deemed sufficient to prove beyond reasonable doubt that Deckman was the one responsible for molesting Timothy. I'm sorry. I wanted to let you all know in person and thank you for all the work each of you put in to try and give Timothy and his family justice," Alex informed the gathered group sombrely.

"So what now? We can still get him, can't we?" Fin asked heatedly, scowling in disbelief at the naivety of some judges.

"We can, double jeopardy doesn't apply since the verdict was vacated, although I'd like to have something more to convict Deckman on so we can avoid this happening again. For everyone's sakes, if we're to take the case to trial again, we need to be sure that it's the last time we have to do it." Alex turned to leave, having delivered the message she intended to. She had made it out into the corridor before she heard her name being called.

"Alex! Wait!" Liv shouted at the attorney's retreating back as she hurried to catch up with her. "Do you have a minute so we can talk?" the brunette asked when she finally reached the younger woman.

Alex made a show of checking her watch, stalling for time before answering. "I really should be getting back, I've still a lot to get done today before I can leave."

"Please, Alex, just a couple of minutes?" The dedicated detective's expression turned plaintive, appealing to her friend's sympathy.

"Can we make it brief? I'd rather like to get home this side of midnight." Alex rested one arm across her body, palm curling around the sleeve-covered bicep of her opposite arm in a protective, almost defensive stance.

"Let's find somewhere a little more private to do this, shall we?" As Liv spoke, she could see the protestations forming in Alex's mind, her expression clouding with a tiny trace of panic which would have been imperceptible had the detective not been looking directly into wide blue eyes. "I just don't think it's something either of us want anyone overhearing." With a brief, reluctant nod of affirmation, Alex trailed after the brunette, eyes downcast, following Liv's route by watching her feet.

"Whatever you're going to say, I know. Say whatever you need to get off your chest, I deserve it. There's nothing you can say that will make me feel any worse about what happened than I already do," Alex announced with resigned tone.

"What do you think it is that I'm going to say?" Olivia questioned, her tone indicating genuine interest in the response.

"That I took advantage of you. That I betrayed your trust. That I proved myself a liar. And it's true. It's all true. I can't defend my actions. All I can do is apologise, give you assurances that it won't happen again and let you know that I won't blame you if you want to file a report against me," Alex explained, refusing to look at her friend as she spoke, fiddling with a loose thread at one corner of her attaché case.

"Why on earth would I file a report against you?" Liv asked incredulously, knowing full well what Alex would say thanks to her earlier conversation with Abbie, but not being willing to let the attorney know that.

"I practically raped you, Olivia. I deserve to be punished for that," Alex spat bitterly, clearly still placing the blame entirely at her own door despite the Texan's attempts to convince her of the joint culpability shared between herself and the brunette for what had transpired.

"That's not how I remember it," Liv protested. "I instigated it by touching you inappropriately when I should have been focused on being your friend and nothing more. I was fully capable of saying no at any point but I didn't, not once, not even when… when the pain began. If anyone needs to apologise, it's me, for putting you in that position in the first place. _You_ were vulnerable. _You_ were the one being taken advantage of because I needed to feel…something and I'm not really sure I can explain it any better than that right now because I don't fully understand it myself. But I needed to feel loved and attractive and as though I had something good to focus on and I used you in a way I never should have done. So _I'm_ sorry, Alex, so very sorry and I hope that you won't keep beating yourself up over something that wasn't just down to you. We both should have realised what we were doing and that neither of us were in any position to be taking that kind of step. Either one of us should have had the balls to stop at any point before it got as far as it did but Al, _you_ did stop as soon as you realised that what you were doing was causing me pain. That's not the same as the people you convict. What happened between us, whilst it was misguided and definitely ill-timed, was born out of a place of love and affection for one another. Rape, any kind of sexual assault, is about power and control and domination. Those people enjoy inflicting pain and terror on their victims. You didn't and you never would. I trust you, completely and implicitly, in that respect, you have to know that." Liv took a step towards the skittish younger woman, distressed when Alex maintained the distance by scooting backwards towards the door.

"You might trust me, Liv, but I can't say the same. I don't trust _me_, I can't. I won't let myself become complacent again, I won't risk doing that to you again," the young blonde murmured sadly, vowing to herself that she would restrict physical contact to an absolute minimum to avoid temptation.

"It will get easier…this…us…but I will respect you wanting space if it makes it easier for you to deal with this limbo we're stuck in right now. I won't knowingly put you in a position you're uncomfortable with and I want you to tell me if I ever unwittingly do that as well. I actually need to ask you something, and please don't think that this is because of what happened this morning, I've had the appointment set up since yesterday. There's an apartment that's available to lease. If it's suitable, I could move in as soon as I wanted to. I've got a viewing arranged for tomorrow evening after work… and I'd really like it if you'd come with me to see it. Elliot and I talked today…really talked, no yelling, no name calling, just an open, honest heart to heart and he made some valid points. Since losing Sami, I've never had to be alone, I've never had to cope with the silence of her not being there, the realities of my life as it is now because I've had you – and don't get me wrong, I am and always will be more thankful for that than I can ever express. But for me to move on, for me to convince myself and you and everyone else that I've mourned Sam's death, I've adapted to life without her and am ready to move on to whatever the future holds, I _need_ to deal with that. I _have_ to know that I can be on my own without falling apart and not knowing if I can make it through to morning. I want to do this, for me…for us. I want…no, I _need_ to show myself that I'm strong enough to survive Sam's loss and that I know what I want from the future. Right now, my head and my heart are at war. I'm being told different things by different people, constantly, and whilst no one's at fault for that, everyone's trying to be helpful and supportive and I appreciate it, it's not making the truth any clearer in my own mind. I don't know what I think, what I feel, and what's a result of everything I've heard. So, for the sake of my sanity and my future…hopefully, _our_ future, I think that finding a place of my own, learning who I am again and discovering for certain what I really do want is not only a wise move but a crucial one. I'm sure I will have setbacks. I'm sure there will be days when all I want to do is lie in bed with the covers over my head and hide from the world but as hard as it is, I think I need to prove to myself I can get through those days too without relying on anyone else. I don't want you by my side as a crutch, Alex. I want you beside me as a partner, an equal, independent partner who can be confident in my feelings for you being one hundred percent genuine. I think if we're both entirely honest, neither of us can say that with any sincerity right now." Olivia paused, offering her closest friend a sad smile before she reiterated her request. "So, will you come view this place with me? I really would like your input…since I'm hoping that you'll be spending a fair bit of time there yourself, either as my friend or, in time, as my lover."

"Of course," Alex replied thickly, knowing that what Olivia was proposing was the only way to proceed in reality but that knowledge doing little to quieten the pangs of regret in her heart at the thought of the gorgeous brunette no longer sharing her own apartment as though it was their joint home. Clearing her throat, she tried to formulate a more eloquent response. "You're right and all that matters is that you fully process and recover from Samia's death. What time do you need me to be available tomorrow?"

"I wouldn't say it's all that matters but it is important, for us both, that I do this. The viewing is scheduled for seven. I've asked Abbie to join us as well, I know I can count on her being brutally honest with me if the apartment doesn't meet her exacting standards," Liv advised with a wry grin as she remembered Abbie's colourful expressions of distaste regarding a previous apartment Olivia had been residing in when the two of them hooked up.

"And you think I'd let you rot in some rat-infested hole?" Alex questioned, an expression of genuine horror adorning her attractive features at the suggestion.

"No, that's not what I meant at all. I just…well I didn't want to assume you'd come and there's no harm in having more eyes looking the place over. Please, don't turn it into me undermining your opinion because that won't happen. If you don't like it and I'm undecided about it, Abbie's opinion won't matter, I won't take it – so long as your reasoning is sound. I know that Abbie won't look for things wrong with the place in order to delay my departure from your apartment – I can't honestly say that I won't because even though rationally I know I need to do this, it doesn't mean that I'm happy about leaving you. And I'll risk you shooting me down and calling me on my self-inflated ego but I suspect that you too might do that too, subconsciously at least, for the same reason." Olivia waited for the explosion of protest from the fierce prosecutor but surprisingly none came.

With a sigh of weary resignation, Alex admitted, "you're probably right. No matter how much my brain tells me you're doing the right thing, my heart doesn't want to believe it. Even though I've known this day was coming, to hear you actually making arrangements to secure a new apartment to move to…it's hard." Both women took a moment to absorb everything in companionable silence before Alex announced, "I'd better get back to the office and fill Jack in on the result. I'm actually surprised he's not phoned me yet, I've no doubt the grapevine has informed him of the outcome by now."

"Good luck with that…and I'll see you back at the apartment later?" Liv's inflection turned the statement into a question.

"It might be late when I get away. I'll try to be quiet when I come in so I don't wake you if you're asleep." Alex hefted her attaché into her opposite hand, idly flexing the fingers which had been wrapped around the handle previously to work out the slight residual stiffness from the tightness with which she had been clinging onto the case.

"Give me a call if you're going to be there beyond dinnertime, ok? I'll return the favour for you and bring something over." Seeing that Alex was about to object, Liv jumped in and gave her no chance. "No arguments, you need to eat something. Either you eat at home, with me or I bring you takeout and stay with you while you eat it so I can satisfy myself you're sufficiently fed."

"Ok, fine. I'll call you," Alex ground out with the air of someone lacking the energy to continue the fight. She trudged to the door before straightening her spine and squaring her shoulders, the ADA Cabot mask once again slipping into place as she prepared to venture out into a more public arena.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**16.48**_

_**Jack McCoy's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

"What the hell happened in there, Alex? Where was that tack sharp mind of yours when you should have been defending that conviction?" the DA fumed as his subordinate squirmed in the chair before his desk.

"I did everything I could, Jack. Judge Perriman made his sentiments quite plain from the moment we began the appeal arguments when he overruled my objection to the defence's claims that Detective Munch was too personally involved with the victim and had used his influence to exert undue pressure on Timothy to make false allegations. It was a cockamamie trick. There's never been any suggestion of John Munch being anything other than professional at any point during the investigation or the trial, he's had no more contact with the family or the victim than was strictly necessary, I'm sure – not unless I've completely overlooked something that's not in any of the reports. I'll speak to him, of course, and get his side of the story but I cannot see any realistic basis for that argument," Alex protested, not willing to be held entirely responsible for the failure that had occurred.

"Clearly there was enough merit for Judge Perriman to see fit to side with the defence. Fix it, Alex. Find a way to build a stronger, water-tight case and take it to retrial. Anders Deckman is a manipulative paedophile who has preyed on a vulnerable boy who trusted him. He needs to be locked away for the good of all young boys he comes into contact with." Jack fixed Alex with an unwavering stare. "I need you to keep your head in the game. If you can't do that, if you're not capable of detaching yourself from the fact that Samia Camanetti was your friend's lover for the duration of the investigation into her death, you need to tell me so I can get you taken off that case. I won't have your other work suffering because of that, no matter what Abigail Carmichael has to say on the matter. Give me some assurance that this isn't the beginning of a worrying trend for you."

"What do you want me to say, Jack? I did everything I feasibly could on this case, the same as I do on every case I'm handed. You weren't in that court room today, you didn't see the way Judge Perriman smirked as he let Deckman walk. There was nothing - _nothing_ – that I could have done to change the outcome of that appeal. It's one result, one verdict overturned. I can't promise it won't happen again but I can assure you that I'm not deliberately neglecting my duties. I have never and will never compromise my commitment to my job, not for Olivia, not for Abbie and not for you. Now if you don't mind, I'll be getting back to work to see how I can fix this mess," Alex retorted haughtily, rising from her seat and making her way to the door.

"See that you do, Alex. I expect this to be a priority for you to get this case back in the court room and get Deckman back to Rikers before the ink is dry on his release papers," Jack ordered by way of a parting shot.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**23.17**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"How long has she been up there?" Olivia asked as she breezed back into the bullpen having responded to the Captain's concerned call about their ADA. Her own calls to the younger woman's cell phone and office had gone ignored and she had been on the verge of reporting her missing when Cragen had phoned to ask for her assistance in persuading the dedicated attorney to take a break.

"She hasn't moved in over four hours, not once. We've offered her drinks, invited her to join us for something to eat but nothing, she just won't let it go." The decision by the appeal judge to release Deckman had hit all of them hard but Alex appeared to be taking it personally, an occurrence Olivia hadn't witnessed in a long time and had wished never to see again.

"Cap'n's tried cajoling her, Munch's tried bombarding her with conspiracy theories, we even had Huang try coaxing her into taking a break," Fin explained glancing up to the lounge area just outside the crib where Alex sat hunched over the low coffee table, scouring page after page of information; witness statements, DD5's, forensic reports, the coroner's report, crosschecking and doubling back to find what they had missed, what _she_ had missed in the trial prep which had led to the overturning of the verdict on appeal. Occasionally, she called down to the detectives, asking for clarification on certain points but beyond that, all attempts at interaction were met with stoic silence or stinging barbs of acerbic dismissals.

"Amateurs," Liv muttered darkly, shaking her head slightly before striding to the stairs and climbing them swiftly. Without another word, she slipped into the low seat Alex was perched on the edge of, settling her body behind the intensely focused blonde, one leg either side of Alex's own thighs. Gentle hands reached out and began a tender massage of tight shoulder and neck muscles, feeling them tighten further at the initial contact.

"Liv," came the warning growl, Alex instinctively knowing who her latest companion was without needing to look over her shoulder for clarification. If the subtle scent of sandalwood and black pepper hadn't been enough of a clue, the firm yet affectionate touch confirmed it.

"Ssshhh, just let me…" Olivia trailed off, never ceasing her rhythmic ministrations, the miniscule unconscious relaxing of the tension beneath her hands spurring her onwards. After a few moments of heavy silence, Liv spoke again on a breathy whisper, "do you remember Sam Cavanaugh?"

"Of course I remember him. How could you even ask me that? Do you really think me so shallow that I'd simply put him out of my mind and move on after what I did to him? What I caused him to become? If you do, then you don't know me at all. I can't forget him, I never will and I cannot allow that to happen again, not because of me, because I failed in my duty to protect another young man from his abuser," Alex snapped, leaning further forward in a quest to avoid Liv's hands, which were threatening to destroy her resolve and focus to find that elusive explanation as to what went wrong.

The brunette detective followed her quarry, keeping her hands busily kneading knots in the taut limbs of her closest friend. "Alex, this is not all on you. We all bear equal responsibility for not building a strong enough case to convince the judge to uphold Deckman's conviction." Liv paused for a brief moment, hands still pressing, probing tight muscles. "I assume you remember how close Sam's case came to breaking you. How hard it hit you, how defeated and deflated you were when you believed you personally had failed him. What it nearly cost you, personally and professionally. Think of that Alex, think of it and rationalise what you're doing to yourself right now. Can you not see you're letting yourself go to that place again? That place where the lines between right and wrong, what is acceptable and what should never be done become blurred beyond a dangerous point. Don't do it to yourself, sweetheart. Please. Don't do it to us, don't make us have to watch you going through that again." Alex's new, almost prone position, actually aided Liv's cause, allowing her to exert a little more pressure, to garner a little more purchase on the expanse of musculature which was in dire need of loosening up. The detective methodically worked her hands down either side of Alex's spine, stopping here and there when she found a particularly knotty area. She felt the attorney stiffen and flinch as her fingers probed a solid mass of tension at the very base of her back, moving to protect the sore spot instinctively. With one firm hand in the centre of her upper back, Liv held her in place, directing her to let her ease up the muscles and thereby lessen her pain.

Alex hissed in a breath between clenched teeth, fighting against her will in order to remain where she was during Olivia's assault on the tender knots. "Ow, Liv…"

"This is what you get from sitting slouched over such a low table for so long without moving, on a chair which offers little to no support for your back. It's better if I loosen you up now or else you might not be able to move much at all by tomorrow morning," Liv murmured softly, still probing and pressing and kneading away the tension. Alex's protestations continued through moans and whimpers but became decidedly less vehement as the muscles began to soften under Olivia's massage. By the time the detective was satisfied her work was done, Alex was far more pliant and malleable, allowing her friend to guide her into an upright seated position before Liv wrapped both arms around her from behind, cradling her close to her firm yet unmistakably womanly body. Olivia continued to lean backwards until her own back was resting against the upright support of the chair, Alex almost lying on top of her.

"I need to keep going. I have to find what we missed, what _I_ missed," Alex whimpered, half-heartedly squirming in the comforting embrace, feeling the prick of tears and refusing to allow herself to give in to her despair and fatigue.

"Sshhh honey, you need to rest too. Come back to it in the morning with fresh eyes. If there's anything there to find, you'll find it but not if you're too exhausted to see what's right in front of you." Olivia kept her voice low, her tone soft and warm, the tone she reserved for the most damaged victims they dealt with, the ones who were reluctant to let anyone close to them. The detective tightened her arms a little more around her friend, cradling her closer to her own body and laying her cheek against soft blonde hair. Turning her head slightly, she pressed a gentle kiss to the troubled attorney's crown, feeling the woman in her arms begin to tremble almost imperceptibly under the tender onslaught. "Let it go for tonight, sweetheart," Olivia encouraged.

"No!" Alex cried, angry at her inability to prevent the tear from trickling down her ruddy cheek. She stepped up her efforts to free herself from Olivia's grasp, knowing that it would be her undoing if she remained in the warm embrace any much longer. She twisted around, semi-facing her captor and thrusting her face towards the older woman's own. "Get your hands off me, Detective Benson. NOW!" she growled forcefully, her expression one of devastated determination.

Despite the use of her professional title, indicating she was on dangerous ground, Liv still held firm. She cupped Alex's damp cheek in one gentle palm, guiding the fractious blonde's head into the crook of her neck, her other arm still wrapped tightly around Alex's slender waist. "No," Liv whispered, stroking the backs of her fingertips lightly across the cheek beneath her chin.

"Liv…" Alex whimpered plaintively, sinking into the warm cocoon provided by Liv's arms and neck, feeling the older woman's tenderness surrounding her like a shield to her pain.

"It's ok, I've got you, Alex," Liv assured on a whisper.

"I've got to keep going. Jack wants this back in court as soon as possible which means I need to find something to convince a judge to grant us a fresh warrant for Deckman's arrest. I still have piles of notes to go through with Abbie on Sam's case. I need to keep on top of the Markson rapes as well so you don't have to waste time bringing me up to speed whenever you do get a breakthrough on that. I have to keep going or there just won't be enough hours in the day to do everything I need to do. I can't let him think I'm not handling all this or he'll pull me off the case," Alex growled, hauling herself out of Olivia's embrace and turning her attention back to the assorted papers scattered about the table.

"Which case? Sam's? Jack actually threatened you with that because of one ridiculous decision by an errant judge who, it's widely believed, should have hung up his gavel years ago?" Liv questioned, temper flaring at the lack of support the attorney appeared to be receiving from the DA. "He should be bending over backwards to get you an assistant if he's that worried about your workload. Having one of his ADA's involved in a capital murder trial? I'd have thought that would be right up his street. Great publicity for his office and his promotion of bright, young ADA's."

"Perhaps if it had been his decision in the first place to include Alex in the trial team, that would be true, but I snowballed him and gave him very little room to deny my request. If I know anything about Jack McCoy, it's that he hates being backed into a corner. I should have realised he'd pull something like this, the first opportunity he got," Abbie's Texan drawl offered from the top of the stairs. Two startled sets of eyes swivelled around to fix on her.

"Abbie, what are you doing here?" Alex asked, heart pounding as she irrationally feared appearing weak and incompetent in front of her peer. Liv's expression mirrored the blonde's question, clearly confused by her appearance.

"The guys phoned me and sent up the bat signal after leaving Olivia a voicemail, in case she didn't pick it up for a while," Abbie explained with a shrug.

"They shouldn't have done that. I'm fine and you should be sleeping." Alex punctuated her statement with a glare over the balcony at the sheepish faces still huddled together below.

"Yes I should be sleeping," Abbie acknowledged, also shooting a withering glance at the assembled detectives behind her, "but I'm not, I'm here to try and drum sense in this stubborn woman I've heard is ignoring the advice of her friends and colleagues. And you're evidently not fine, as illustrated by the fact that it is fast approaching midnight and you're still working at a table that would cripple the back of the smallest person. I have neither the energy nor the patience for a long debate so pack up your papers and let's go."

Olivia had to stifle a snigger as she reclined in the seat she was sharing with the attorney, listening to the Texan issuing orders in her alluring husk, made more pronounced by her fatigue. Even from behind, she could see the tension beginning to set back into Alex' muscles as she geared up to protest. Pre-empting any response before it could degenerate into a battle of wills between the two prosecutors, Liv leant forward, returning her hands to their previous position at the blonde's shoulders.

"I promise no one will stand in your way if you want to come back to work early tomorrow if you leave with Abbie and I now and get some sleep," the detective bargained. She had considered including a caveat about eating something as well but thought that it was a little late in the day and would only delay the younger woman from getting much needed rest.

"You don't fight fair, either of you," Alex complained through a barely stifled yawn.

"I'm hearing too much talk and not seeing enough movement. Don't make us physically remove you because I'm pretty sure Liv could do that solo but see, I have the cheap man's Chippendales back here who owe me for waking me up just as I was getting nicely off to sleep and I _know_ between them, they can definitely drag you out of here," Abbie grumbled, good-naturedly volunteering Munch, Fin and Elliot for the physical labour if Alex didn't get a move on.

"Dirty tricks, Carmichael. Just plain dirty," Alex growled as she grudgingly began gathering together her paperwork together, slipping some into her attaché and others into the sleeves she had pulled them out of many hours earlier. With a sideways glance towards the stairs, Alex murmured, "I'm sorry they woke you up and dragged you down here, Abbie."

"Yeah well, it's partly my fault you're so overworked right now so I'd say we're pretty even. Keep stalling though and I might reconsider, so let's hustle already," Abbie encouraged with a wave of one long-fingered hand.

"Alright, alright, I'm coming," Alex insisted as she piled the folders she had been browsing together into a neat stack. Liv slipped out from behind her and whisked the tower off the coffee table and down the stairs before the blonde had chance to rise from the seat. With no further excuse to delay her departure, Alex shuffled daintily towards the short staircase, taking her time as the blood rushed out of her head. Her lack of movement, combined with not having eaten since breakfast – and then only the bran muffin Abbie had provided – made her lightheaded. The tall brunette noticed the slight swaying and slid one arm around her friend's waist, assisting her down the steps and out of the bullpen with Olivia trailing in their wake.

"My car's downstairs," the detective announced, reaching to take Alex's attaché from the younger woman's grasp.

"Excellent. Let's get you home, Miss Cabot," Abbie concurred, with a slight squeeze of the slender waist she held onto before letting go, satisfied that the brief unsteadiness had faded sufficiently for Alex to be capable of walking out under her own steam and wanting to afford her that dignity.


	56. Chapter 56

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**I decided to take a brief break from work to upload this (yes I know, it's Saturday and it's a holiday weekend but alas, the staff won't pay themselves - though I'm sure they would love to!) Crispy75, yes I did say it would take longer to get chapters out didn't I? Hmm guess insomnia has its plus points then - more writing time! Lol ;) JRBenson, seriously hope you're ok and didn't get hit with that tornado! To all those who are being threatened by hurricane Irene, my thoughts are with you and I hope you all are suitably battening down the hatches, have supplies and emergency stuff to hand. Please, please be safe out there people! Law-and-Order-SVU-fan-Germany really good to hear from you and glad you like long stories cos whooooo this one just keeps on going! Jessica-loves-Katie, I'll try and swing by your story and give it a read when I can but as evidenced by the fact I'm working (without pay, yes I am that dedicated/mad, delete as appropriate) on a Saturday to keep on top of my job, it might take me a while to have the free time to do so. I'll give it my best shot though for sure and will let you know what I think as soon as I've read it :) And to everyone who has read/reviewed/added this story to their alerts, huge heartfelt thanks and I hope you keep on enjoying what you're reading.**_

_**This one's (hopefully) a little bit more fluffy than some - ok most - of the chapters have been recently. The calm before the storm or the beginning of smoother waters? Time will tell! So without further ado, onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Tuesday March 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**23.48**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"That's quite some sweet ride you've got yourself, Benson. Sometime, when I can keep my eyes open longer than a couple of minutes at a time, you'll have to take me for a ride so I can fully appreciate that thing of beauty," Abbie purred as they entered Alex's apartment, referring to Olivia's vintage Mustang.

The youngest of the trio had been silent for the entire ride home, sitting in the backseat and staring resolutely out of the side window, watching the late night city streets whizzing by. Abbie had ridden up front with Olivia, talking quietly about life in DC, the case she had been called back to work on and how some discoveries still had the ability to surprise her, despite what she had seen during her tenure as a prosecutor.

"You're assuming I'd invite you for a ride there, Counsellor!" Liv quipped with a teasing smirk.

"Oh I think you'd be more than happy to have an excuse to show off your new toy, don't you agree Alex?" Abbie retorted, nudging the still silent blonde who was hovering in the lobby area, apparently undecided as to where she should go and what she should do now that she was home.

"Hmm?" Alex hummed, clearly not having been following their banter.

"Never mind, let's get you into bed." Abbie took charge, gently cupping her hand around the younger woman's elbow and steering her towards her bedroom.

"I'll make some chai rooibos tea. Would you like a cup, Abbie?" Olivia murmured, deciding on Alex's behalf that she could use something warm and non-caffeinated before she attempted to sleep, hoping that it would soothe her and help her to drift off into a peaceful slumber.

"That sounds great, thanks," Abbie replied softly over her shoulder before returning her focus to her friend. She assisted Alex into her room, guiding her to sit on the edge of the bed. The ADA was moving on autopilot alone, expression vacant and unresponsive in her fatigued state. "You going to be ok getting yourself undressed?" Abbie asked warily, suspecting that the answer would truthfully be no but wanting to allow the young woman as much independence as possible.

"Yeah…yeah I'll just…give me a few minutes, ok?" Alex murmured vaguely.

"Of course, honey. I'll just be in the kitchen with Liv if you need anything," the Texan assured warmly with a squeeze to the narrow shoulder beneath her palm.

Stepping outside, Abbie pulled the door to behind her and wandered through to the kitchen, scrubbing her hands over her face and yawning widely. Liv looked up as she entered the space, face softening into a concerned half-smile as she watched the younger brunette slump onto the nearest stool. As Abbie's head dropped into her upturned palms, elbows resting heavily on the countertop, Liv rounded the breakfast bar and slid a steaming mug of the spicy herbal tea into the gap, idly rubbing a hand soothingly across the arched expanse of back presented to her.

"Please say you'll stay here the rest of the night, Abs. You're too tired to be heading back to your motel and I'm too exhausted to be waiting up to hear you got back safely." Olivia returned to the kitchen to collect the two remaining drinks, ferrying them to the counter as she awaited the US Attorney's response.

"Thanks, Liv, I was hoping I could just crash on the couch here. Honestly, I don't think I have the energy to be doing any more travelling right now." Abbie inhaled the tantalising aroma of the hot drink Liv had made her, allowing the comforting sense of being cared for to wash over her.

"Don't be ridiculous. Pick a bed and sleep with either Alex or myself. There's space in both beds and you need proper rest, not a catnap on the couch," Liv protested vehemently. "In fact, if you don't mind and she doesn't argue too much, would you…will you lie with Alex for me tonight? I need some peace of mind that she gets rest too and I know she won't wake me no matter how distressed she gets so I'd really appreciate knowing you're there. It's harder to hide if someone's next to you…and that way, no matter what, she won't feel like she's alone. I know it's a lot to ask when you're so short on sleep yourself but I'm really worried about her and I'm afraid she's going to withdraw from asking for help now."

"I'll ask her if it's ok but if she's agreeable to it, of course I'll sleep beside her and help her if she needs it. That way, you might get some sleep too. You look almost as shattered as I feel." Abbie tilted her head up and fixed Olivia with a look that dared her to deny the statement.

"That's probably a fair assessment. I will be glad to get into bed tonight, I'm not going to say I won't and yes, I will sleep better knowing that Alex isn't on her own," Liv admitted coyly.

"First thing tomorrow, I'm going to have a quiet word with Jack. I'm not having him use Alex to get at me and I won't stand idly by and watch him try to destroy her confidence in her own abilities because he's scared she'll oust him from his precious DA's chair on the back of this," Abbie stated, allowing some of her fury at her old boss to peek through her calm exterior. "I should have known he'd try some sort of cheap trick as payback for the way I ambushed him when I asked for Alex to co-chair. Gah, why can he not just discuss any issues with me like the grown up he's supposed to be?"

"Hey, there's no point getting yourself worked up over it tonight. You can't tackle him over it until tomorrow and you won't do yourself any favours if you wake your mind up now. It'll only keep you awake and that's the last thing you need. Why don't you take Alex's tea into her and see if she's ready for bed so you can ask her if she minds you bunking in with her? If she does, I doubt she will but on the off chance she says no, I have no problem sharing with you. I'll sort you out something to sleep in. Feel free to help yourself to anything you need in the guest bathroom," Olivia offered, sipping from her own steaming mug before stepping out towards her temporary bedroom.

"Liv?" Abbie called softly, stalling the older woman's exit.

"Yeah?"

"Alex is really lucky to have you caring for her. I hope you know that, I hope you realise how amazing you are." Abbie watched with rapt fascination as a deep blush blossomed over the brunette's attractive face.

Ducking her head to avoid the unwanted scrutiny, Liv replied quietly, "I'm not, not really. I'm just doing what any good friend would do."

"No you're not, it's more than that so don't diminish it. A good friend would probably have picked Alex up and seen her back home. A really close friend might have seen her inside her apartment and made sure she got into bed. But to break down her defences, ease her physical discomfort before she was even aware of having any, bring her home and _then_ make sure she wasn't alone to suffer through a tormented night, that takes someone special to even think of that, never mind do it all. No matter what else you believe about yourself and your feelings right now, to me at least, your actions speak volumes." Abbie dearly wished she could find a way to transport her two friends to a happier, more secure point in time when they were both free to express and explore the obvious connection they shared. Her heart grieved for their continued struggles against the hurdles and obstacles presented to them.

With a shrug, Liv simply said, "I just want her to be ok."

Abbie knocked lightly on the bedroom door. "Are you dressed, Alex? I've got a cup of tea for you here," she called softly through the small crack between door and frame.

"You're fine to come in," came the slightly muffled response from inside. The Texan pushed the light wooden door open just enough to enter, nudging it against the doorjamb again once she had crossed the threshold. Alex appeared to have merely crawled across the bed kicked the covers out of the way and was lying, still clothed in her work attire, curled into the foetal position facing away from the door.

Abbie rounded the bed with long strides, depositing the still gently steaming mug of tea on the bedside cabinet before dropping into a crouch beside Alex's pillow. "Hey," she cooed tenderly, "I realise you're shattered and just want to sleep, but you'll be much more comfortable if you change into something resembling appropriate sleepwear. And no, you're current outfit does not, by any stretch of the imagination, fit that description. Come on, up you get," she ordered, holding out one hand, palm upturned, to assist should the other woman need it.

"I just needed to lie down for a few minutes," Alex groaned, forcing herself into a sitting position but remaining seated on the edge of the bed, curling forward before jolting upright again as her back muscles protested strongly to resuming the position she had endured for so many hours during the evening.

"Where are your night clothes?" Abbie asked softly, rising to her feet, dropping a tender, chaste kiss to Alex's bowed crown on the way past.

A floppy arm was flung out in the general direction of the dresser at the foot of the bed. "Top drawer."

"Is it ok if I stay here tonight? I'll go if you really want me to but I think we could all just use some sleep," Abbie requested as she pulled a soft, brushed cotton, dusky pink t-shirt and a pair of well worn, dark pink and white checked flannelette pants out and tossed them onto the bed beside her friend.

Alex couldn't help but smile a little when she clutched the selection to her chest, seeing that Abbie had unwittingly chosen the ADA's favourite pyjamas. "Thanks Abbie. Of course you can stay," she assured her co-counsel. "Do you need something to change into? You're welcome to anything in that top drawer," Alex offered, the impeccable manners drilled into her from an early age ever present.

"You're ok, Liv is sorting me out something of hers but thank you…for the offer and for letting me invade. Mind if I share with you?" the tall Texan enquired, keeping her expression casually neutral so as not to give any indication of her earlier agreement with Olivia. "I don't have to worry about you kicking me as much as I would sleeping next to Benson. She used to be squirmier than a squid, the few times I've shared a bed with her!" she quipped, alluding to their past liaisons many years previously.

Alex's eyebrows drew upwards towards her hairline, indicating her surprise at the description of the detective, who she had found to be a very still sleeper whenever they had lain together. "I've not noticed that about her but if you'd prefer to sleep in here, I'm not about to refuse you a comfortable bed. Especially as it's my fault you're not already asleep in your motel bed."

Abbie was very glad the blonde didn't put up more of a fight, her last dregs of energy fading fast. "Perhaps she just finds more peace in your presence than she ever did in mine," she suggested gently, with a soft smile. "I'll give you some privacy to get changed while I go and do the same but so help me, if you're not in those pyjamas when I get back, I'll dress you myself young lady. Don't think I won't either, I don't make idle threats. So hustle, climb under the covers, drink your tea and I'll be back in a few minutes so we can get some rest."

Her words resulted in a quiet chuckle from the still seated attorney, a sound which warmed Abbie's heart as it was the first remotely joyful noise the young blonde had made since her arrival back in New York. "Yes boss," Alex intoned teasingly, throwing a mock salute in for good measure.

Olivia was sitting on the sofa in the darkened lounge staring unseeingly into the middle distance, the area illuminated only by the light from the hallway. Though outwardly she appeared quite serene, her mind was racing with memories, thoughts, hopes, fears, facts and imaginings. She had slipped into her own room and changed into a pair of worn, light gray track pants which she teamed with a loose-fitting navy academy t-shirt once Abbie had retreated to Alex's room. Her bare feet were tucked beneath her, hands wrapped around the mug which held the remnants of her now lukewarm tea. Abbie almost missed her as she passed the entrance to the lounge on her way to the kitchen to retrieve her own drink and whatever sleepwear the detective had reached out for her. The lanky brunette paused mid-stride, torn between continuing on her journey and checking if the older woman was alright. Opting to grab her tea while it was still somewhere near drinkable, she hurried into the kitchen and snatched it up off the counter. Abbie glanced around the pristine area, seeing no signs of any clothing and so exited, turning the light out as she went. Retracing her steps, the Texan walked speedily into the gloomy lounge, slowing her stride as she allowed her eyes to adjust to the diminished light, having no desire to walk into any item of furniture. Though she had visited Alex's apartment previously, she wasn't convinced of her familiarity with it to be navigating around without the aid of sight.

"You ok there, Liv?" she asked quietly, not wanting to startle the older woman who had given no indication of being aware of her presence.

"Yeah, just…thinking…about everything and nothing. How's Alex?" Olivia queried in return, eyes finally focusing and landing on the towering form of her friend.

"She's exhausted but seems to be ok, all things considered. She'd crawled onto the bed but not changed when I went in. I've given her until I'm ready this time or else!" Abbie replied with mock sternness lacing her tone.

"You may want to think twice about pulling on the tail of a tiger. Even when she's down, Alex Cabot is a fearsome woman to cross. You're braver than me if you're willing to follow through on that ultimatum," Liv announced sardonically, slanting her eyes sideways at the Texan. "It's not much I'm afraid and the pants will probably be a bit on the short side but it's something at least." She picked up the small, neatly folded pile beside her and handed it off to Abbie.

"They'll be fine. Thanks for the loan. Am I ok to use the bathroom? You don't need it for anything for a few minutes?" Abbie enquired, tucking the parcel of clothing beneath one arm and sinking the last dregs of her spiced herbal tea.

"No, no, I've done what I need to do. I just wanted to make sure you had everything you needed and a bed to sleep in. I'm going to…" Liv waved a hand in the general direction of her bedroom, voiced laden with weariness as her own crushing fatigue hit home full force.

"Get some sleep, Olivia. I'll see you in the morning," Abbie instructed, leaning down to place a chaste kiss against the detective's cheek and snagging the empty cup from her limp fingers.

"Night Abs…and thanks again."

Abbie crept back into Alex's bedroom, placing her day clothes in a neat pile on a chair inside the door. Alex had changed and was back in much the same position she had been previously, only beneath the covers this time. The blonde made no attempt to move as Abbie moved quietly around the room, leaving the Texan unsure as to whether she was still awake or not. The brunette slipped beneath the covers on the opposite side of the bed to where Alex lay, careful not to jostle too much in case the younger woman had managed to drift off to sleep already. Her hopes were dashed when a quiet whisper broke the silence.

"Night, Abbie."

"Night, Alex. Wake me if you need anything, ok?" Abbie requested, settling into the comfortable mattress on her back, head tilted towards Alex's side of the bed.

"You need sleep, I won't disturb you." The response did little to reassure Abbie.

"I mean it. Want me to hold you until you get to sleep?" the brunette offered.

"No…thank you," Alex offered tightly.

"I was offering in a purely platonic way. I'm not about to take advantage of you, I wouldn't," Abbie explained, assuming that she had offended her friend.

"Unlike me, you mean?" Alex huffed, curling more tightly in on herself.

"What?" Abbie baulked. "No! That is…Not only is that not what I meant, it's the biggest pile of shit I've ever heard." She gripped Alex's shoulder and forced the younger woman onto her back. "Now you listen to me, Alex, and you listen good. You are not some sexual deviant who forces herself onto other people. What happened between you and Olivia was a mistake that you were both culpable in creating. It was a one time thing, not a habit. Trust yourself because I can assure you, I trust you. You really think I'd climb into bed with you if I thought for a second you'd try to have sex with me against my will? Snap out of it, Alex, and accept it for what it was. Stop comparing yourself to those you prosecute because you are nothing – _nothing _ – like them. Now, do you think you can get to sleep lying all the way over there curled up in that tight, uncomfortable ball? Or would you let a friend help you out so that we can both get some decent, restful sleep?" Prolonged lack of sleep short-circuited Abbie's temper, making her even more direct than she usually was. Fortunately, the harsh treatment seemed to work like a splash of cold water on the supine blonde.

"I'm sorry, I… I don't know why I said that. I know it's not what you think of me…and…" Alex's voice faded as she pressed her eyes shut in frustration at her inarticulation.

Abbie flopped onto her back beside her, growling, "shut up and get over here before your damn alarm goes off." At Alex's residual reluctance, Abbie bargained, "consider it a way of proving to yourself that you can be this close to a sexy, adorable and downright irresistible woman without fucking her!"

A startled squeak of laughter escaped Alex's lips upon hearing the brunette's description of herself. Finally acquiescing, she shook her head and rolled into Abbie's side. "You're full of shit, Carmichael," she murmured, slapping the washboard stomach beneath her palm.

"Sshhh," the Texan hissed, "attempting sleep here." Abbie cracked one eye open, squinting at the younger woman as she pulled her into her side more snugly, a teasing smile tugging at her lips.

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday March 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**06.00**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

The sound of an unfamiliar alarm catapulted Abbie from her sleep with a groan. As consciousness raced to greet her, was aware of a weight briefly leaving her side. A thump followed, then silence and the weight returned. It became apparent that the weight was in fact a body, a warm, slender body with a definite dislike of mornings given the way the other person's head was attempting to burrow its way into the gap between the back of Abbie's shoulder and the edge of the pillow beneath it. Unconsciously, the brunette tightened her hold with the arm which was wrapped around her mystery companion, encouraging them to stay where they were pressed up against her. Not usually one for spending the nights with conquests, Abbie's confusion grew as her mind attempted to recall how she had come to be in someone's bed last night. Reluctantly, she forced her eyes to open, blinking a few times to allow them to adjust and to clear away the remnants of too short a night of sleep. The room she lay in was still dark, too dark to be able to make out any identifiable features with which she might jog her memory. Abandoning the sweeping perusal, she twisted her head to the side, examining the crown of champagne coloured hair nestled close to her face. Recollection flooded through her as she recognised Alex beside her, a soft smile gracing her lips at the vision of the younger woman clinging desperately to the sleep she had needed so badly the previous evening. They appeared to be lying in much the same position they had ended up in once Abbie had persuaded Alex to trust herself and be held, with Abbie on her back, right arm cradling the ADA to her side and Alex's own right arm slung across Abbie's midriff. Due to her recent wriggling however, Alex did appear to be lying more on her stomach than on her side, half her body pressing the Texan into the mattress beneath them.

"Morning Alex," she called quietly, trying to coax the blonde into a higher state of awareness.

"No," her companion whined, "too early."

Abbie chuckled and dropped a tender, chaste kiss to the top of Alex's head, smile growing as the attorney released a contented sigh, clearly on the brink of falling back into a deep sleep. Figuring that a few more minutes wouldn't hurt her, Abbie took to rubbing soothing circles between the young blonde's shoulder blades with her left hand. As Alex's breathing evened out, Abbie let that hand stray higher, running her fingers through the luxurious golden locks and tenderly massaging her scalp. Her actions drew a quiet mewl of appreciation from the goddess pinning her down, filling Abbie with a deep sense of affection. It was a new experience for her, this morning after cuddling - even though she was fully aware that nothing sexual had or would happen between the two of them – but she found it oddly satisfying. Ordinarily, she was careful to be gone before morning arrived following a carnal encounter and the few times she invited any woman back to her home, she made it clear when their time was up. She couldn't help but wonder if she had been missing out on some of the best parts of loving women by not allowing herself or her partners to share such comfortably intimate moments as this and vowed to try harder should she meet anyone who interested her sufficiently.

Her early morning musings were interrupted by a quiet knock on the door. Seeing that it had not roused Alex at all, Abbie called out softly, "come in."

Liv appeared in the doorway as it opened, a tray precariously balanced on one palm. The scent of fresh coffee and the tantalising aroma of bacon mixed with something sweet wafted across the room. "Morning Abs, you sleep ok in here?" the detective asked on a whisper, having assessed Alex with just the briefest of glances and correctly deducting that their friend was reluctant to greet the day.

"I don't remember waking at all once I dropped off so yeah, I'd say I got a good five and a half hours in. How about you? Did you sleep? I'm guessing you've been up a while," Abbie gestured to the tray laden with two steaming mugs of coffee and two plates which held the bacon she had smelt plus a couple of light, fluffy looking pancakes liberally drizzled with maple syrup.

"I wanted to fix breakfast in bed for you both, partly as a thank you to you for yesterday but also to make sure Alex actually eats something of substance today. She's already so thin, she can't afford to drop any more weight. I set my alarm for 5.30 to give me plenty of time to get this together before Alex's alarm went off," the detective explained quietly, sliding the proffered breakfast onto the foot of the bed, holding it steady with one hand as she passed Abbie her coffee. Action completed, Liv swept Alex's coffee up from the tray and rounded the bed to place it on the cabinet beside the blonde's alarm clock. She stooped over the bed, holding her hair back with one hand, and pressed a quick kiss to the back of Alex's head by way of greeting.

As the older woman straightened, Abbie asked, "where's your breakfast? Did you eat already?"

"No, it's in the kitchen still," Liv explained, stepping back towards the door.

"Bring it in here so we can all eat together," Abbie requested, watching Liv's gaze flicker towards the still steadily slumbering Alex. "Please? I think it's going to take both of us to convince this one it's time to wake up this morning."

"Why? Did she not sleep?" Liv questioned, immediately concerned for the younger woman's welfare.

"If she didn't, she hasn't said so but then I've managed to drag about three words out of her so far before she fell back to sleep!" Abbie informed the brunette, sliding her coffee onto her own bedside cabinet.

"And _she_ would very much like to continue sleeping but there are two people in this room who seem to insist on chattering like old women at a bake sale!" Alex growled, surprising them both as neither woman had realised she was awake.

"Wow, somebody's really not a morning person, are they?" Abbie joked, rolling her eyes at an amused Olivia.

"Morning Alex," the detective intoned, used to Alex's less than enthusiastic greetings early in the day. "Your coffee's on the cabinet beside you."

"And breakfast is at the bottom of the bed, courtesy of your very kind friend. So quit being such a grumpy butt and accept that the day's beginning already," Abbie concluded, poking Alex in her ribs with one long bony finger which was slapped away before the younger woman rolled over to face away from the two brunettes, pulling the covers up around her head in defiance.

"I'll go fetch my plate. Eat up, Alex, before it goes cold," Liv requested fondly as she conceded Abbie's earlier point about needing backup to persuade Alex to stay awake.

Abbie carefully rolled over onto her side, propping herself up on one elbow, resting her head on her palm and curling her legs up behind her to avoid kicking the tray off the end of the bed. She scooted in as close as she could get behind Alex, moulding her body along the sinewy length of the blonde's torso and slipping her left arm around the tiny waist. "Come on Alex, it's time to wake up," she murmured directly into the delicate shell of the younger woman's ear. "You've got a busy day ahead with finding that crucial break to nail Deckman once and for all, there's a beautiful looking breakfast waiting for you to wrap yourself around it and we have Olivia's apartment viewing later so you can't be late leaving the office tonight. Don't make me tickle you," the Texan threatened, moving her arm until her palm was cinched around the top swell of Alex's hip.

"You wouldn't dare," Alex snarled, body tensing in preparation, just in case Abbie called her bluff.

"Oh wouldn't I?" the brunette husked into her ear, tugging on the fleshy lobe teasingly with her front teeth. She flexed her fingers slightly as though about to launch into a tickle attack, grinning when the attorney flinched beneath her touch. Pressing a quick kiss to the area just behind Alex's earlobe, Abbie bolted upright. "You're right, I wouldn't. I'll just steal your breakfast instead," she gloated in an overly smug tone, scrambling to the base of the bed where the tray still sat and plucking a juicy strip of bacon from one of the plates with her fingers. Slipping it between her lips, she moaned decadently, the sound overtly sensual. "Oh my God, Alex, that's so good."

Liv paused outside the door upon hearing Abbie moaning Alex's name. Bile rose in her throat as anger surged through her veins. She barged through the door, expecting to find the two women in flagrante, bursting into relieved laughter as she spied Abbie attempting to slurp up the dribble of maple syrup which had trickled down her chin from the bite of pancake she had just shovelled into her mouth. As quickly as it rose, Olivia's ire dissipated again, replaced by traces of guilt for jumping to such conclusions about her friend, who had given her no reason to doubt her intentions.

"Liv, this is divine! Seriously, I may have to move back to New York just so you can cook breakfast for me," Abbie announced on seeing she now had an audience of two.

"Glad you approve," the detective replied, moving to sit beside Abbie on the vacant half of the bed, watching with amusement as Alex finally conceded defeat and hauled herself into a seated position, sinking heavily back against the headboard.

"Jesus, it's like sharing a place with two kids having you around. How the hell are you so chipper this early in the morning when you've had next to no sleep the last 48 hours?" Alex groaned, reaching for her coffee and inhaling its scent as though that alone would give her the strength she needed to face the day ahead.

"Part of my natural charm, Cabot. Now quit whining and get that down you before I really do steal it from you. It's just that good, I'm sorely tempted to keep it for myself but I'll try and be the bigger person here and accept that you need to eat too," Abbie jested, passing Alex's plate to her but feigning reluctance at letting it go once the blonde had moved to take it.

"Bite me," Alex spat, the venom taken out of her statement when she accompanied it with sticking her tongue out at the attractive Texan.

Olivia, for one, was very grateful for the US Attorney's presence. It took a lot of the pressure out of what could easily have developed into a very tense situation between herself and Alex, with neither of them having the opportunity to be awkward around one another thanks to Abbie's quick wit and quiet support. "I wouldn't invite her to do things like that, if I were you Al. I found out the hard way that Ms Carmichael takes things a little too literally at times!" she advised, grinning at the recollection of a particular memory her statement triggered.

Alex merely raised an eyebrow, silently instructing her friend to elaborate, grumbling when no further explanation was given. She switched her gaze to Abbie, who was suddenly keenly interested in watching the food on her plate, the vague hints of a blush colouring the tanned skin of her face. "I'm not above torturing either of you if you don't tell me what the hell that means. You can't allude to something like that and then just clam up."

Olivia desperately looked to Abbie for help in how to explain their shared memory in a way that wouldn't sound salacious and perverted.

"Don't look at me like that! You're the one who started it," Abbie protested, her blush deepening as more memories of _that_ event flooded back into her mind. She tugged at the collar of the t-shirt she was wearing, its crew neck suddenly feeling a little restrictive.

"Ok, fine but just to clarify, it was a long time ago, we were both younger and infinitely more stupid – well I was anyway, I think Abbie's still just as likely to do the same again given the chance…" Liv began, only to be interrupted.

"Hey! Less of the character assassination when I'm sitting right here, if you don't mind!"

Flashing her friend a withering apologetic glance, Olivia continued, "we had gone out for drinks one night after we both finished work. It was before Abbie worked with SVU at all but we'd seen each other around the courthouse a few times and got chatting over the water fountain. Neither of us had very many female friends so we gravitated towards one another and decided it would be a good idea to go out socially on occasion. Let me tell you, never drink Tequila with her. She has a cast iron constitution for that stuff and will outlast anyone." Seeing that Alex was growing restless with her blatant stalling, Liv got to the point of her story. "So we went out for drinks and towards the end of the evening we wound up at this bar Abbie had suggested – and I had _no_ idea what kind of bar it was before we got there. We went inside and there were all these women – just women, no men – dancing with one another, gyrating against each other, kissing and making out. I turned to Abbie to ask what was going on and there behind her was one of the judges, a woman I'd testified in front of in court earlier in the day, pinned to a wall by this butch looking woman in a leather jacket, being kissed senseless. It just slipped out, I never even realised what it was I'd said until Abbie here glibly said, 'ok,' and steered me towards the powder room. She locked us both into a stall, kissing me to silence my questions and before I knew it, her hands was in my pants, inside _me_. I was shocked but there was no denying it was…a very enjoyable experience. It was the first but not the last time we were together," Liv finished, ducking her head in embarrassment at having to share such an intimate tale.

"I'm confused, what was it you said to Abbie?" Alex questioned, not at all squeamish about hearing of the hook-up between her two friends. She'd already known they had history, it appeared she was learning how that history had begun.

"Fuck me," Abbie supplied huskily, unable to prevent the spark of arousal that shot through her at the recollection. It had been swift, frantic and as unromantic as anything she could imagine but still, the prosecutor had not needed anything more than to press herself against Olivia's jean-clad thigh to bring her own orgasm to bear during the encounter.

"Mm-hmm, first and only time I've said anything like that in a public setting without actually meaning what I said!" Liv exclaimed, clearing her throat uncomfortably. Alex's peel of laughter went some way towards easing her discomfort, grateful to have coaxed the younger woman out of her early morning funk at least, even if it was at her own expense.

"I'll consider that a lesson learned then and I'll try to avoid the use of such phrases on Friday when we're out, unless I really want to make Aunt Helen's toes curl!" Alex quipped.

"What's happening Friday?" Liv asked, curiosity piqued.

Alex released a short groan of disenchantment, both at the prospect of the function she was expected to attend and at her own lack of consideration for not already having mentioned it to Olivia. "The Wish-makers Foundation, which I co-Chair, is having its annual fundraising benefit. I had declined to attend but unfortunately the keynote speaker for the evening has been taken ill, therefore Aunt Helen has demanded I step into the breach. I…I was going to ask you but then…I thought it might make you feel awkward, like I was asking you to come with me as my date and…"

The blonde's ramble was cut off by Liv's quiet assurances, "it's fine, Alex, really. You don't need to explain yourself to me or anyone else. You're free to ask whoever you please to accompany you, I've no monopoly on your time or attention. Besides, I'm on call Friday evening so I'd have had to take a rain-check anyway in case I get called out to a victim. I think it's great that you're taking Abbie, you two could do with some fun. Does your Aunt Helen know you're taking a woman as your guest?"

"Umm no," Alex answered, her tone indicating her remaining reservations about that.

"It's no big deal, though, right? I mean, it's not like I'm going to be making out that I'm your girlfriend, am I?" Abbie asked, wondering if she'd signed up for more than she bargained for. "'Cause as ways to come out to people go, that would be a pretty spectacular explosion out of the closet!"

"No…no, I'm not looking for anything that blatant…just someone I trust to have my back if my aunt tries to marry me off to any more sleazy men she deems a suitable match for a woman of my societal position." Alex pushed the last mouthful of her remaining pancake around the plate, idly drawing patterns in the sticky remnants of the maple syrup with the morsel.

"Oh, well I got no problem doing that but like I warned you before, if there's an eligible bachelorette there who catches my eye, you may find yourself on your own in the shark pit!" Abbie joked with a wink, cramming the last of her own bacon and pancakes into her mouth with a satisfied moan of approval. "Damn that was good, thanks Liv. I'd better get dressed and call a car to take me back to the motel so I can get showered and ready for the day."

"You're welcome to shower here and I'm sure I have suits that will fit you," Alex offered generously, wanting to repay her friend's kindness from the previous evening in some small way.

"And we could swing by your motel later, after the apartment viewing for you to change into something more casual. I'm assuming you're joining us for dinner this evening, if that's ok with you both?" Liv suggested, looking between the two attorneys for confirmation.

"Sounds good to me," Alex stated. Both New Yorkers fixed expectant gazes on their visitor.

"Ok, well, if you're sure, that would be really good. I could do with getting in early so not having to trek across town would be fantastic. As for this evening, if you're not sick of the sight of me by then, I'd love to join you for dinner," Abbie announced, offering them both a warm smile of appreciation.

"I'll be heading out in around half an hour or so. If you think you can be ready for then, I'll give you a lift," Olivia proposed, having already showered and dressed before breakfast.

"Really? Excellent!" Abbie exclaimed, before her face fell. "Ah no, damnit, I need to go back to the motel. My briefcase is there with all the notes and papers I need in it. Thanks for the offer though, both of you."

Olivia considered her options. "Well, I could use the extra time at work looking at statements from past victims in our latest case so if you give me ten minutes or so while I load the dishwasher and finish getting ready, I'll drop you back at the motel. Quicker and easier than a cab and you did say you wanted a ride in the Mustang when you were awake enough to appreciate it. I'll even hang around while you change, you can stash a set of clothes in the trunk for later and I'll drive you to the office."

"I can't ask you to do all that, Olivia. Just a ride to the motel would be great," Abbie protested.

"You're not asking, I'm offering. Instead of sitting here arguing, you'd be better spending the time hustling to throw on last night's clothes so we can head out," Olivia argued reasonably. Knowing when she was defeated, Abbie rose from the bed, placing her now empty plate back on the tray and dropping a kiss on Olivia's cheek on her way past.

"Thanks, Liv. I'll owe you," the Texan stated warmly.

Olivia turned her attention to Alex, gesturing to the mostly clean plate on her lap. "You done with that, 'Lex?" The brunette was infinitely pleased to see how much Alex had eaten during their playful conversation, buoyed by the knowledge that she wasn't going into battle on an empty stomach at least.

"Yeah, thank you," Alex murmured, passing the plate over.

Something in the younger woman's tone caught Olivia's attention. She cocked her head to one side as she regarded the attorney's slumped posture and downcast eyes. "You ok, honey?" she asked, resisting the urge to move closer and wrap the young blonde in her arms.

Alex nodded, avoiding Liv's gaze by swinging her legs out from beneath the covers and sitting on the side of the bed, facing the opposite wall.

"You're not still worried I'm upset with you about asking Abbie to go with you on Friday, are you? I'm really not, Alex. Yes, I would have been proud to be there with you under different circumstances and I hope that one day we can go to one of these things together. I think the charity work you do and the support you give to projects that can really make a difference is incredible and I am so proud of you for taking that initiative. But it's not meant to be just yet. I'm on call, we're still working out how to be comfortable around one another for the moment and the last thing you need is your Aunt Helen passing judgement on me, because let's face it, she would find me lacking in every department. I've next to no money compared to you, I work a blue collar job, I'm in between apartments, not to mention my family background…and I'm a woman!" Liv explained, hoping to make her friend realise that she truly understood and supported Alex's decision. "I'm just glad you'll have someone there who's got your back and will be looking out for you. No matter what she says about ditching you if some pretty young thing flutters her eyelashes at her, I'd be very surprised if Abs let you out of her sight all evening."

"I appreciate that, Liv but… Oh ignore me, I'm just being silly," Alex grumbled.

"It's not silly if it's distressing you. Talk to me, Alex, please? What is it?" Liv persisted, ignoring her rational brain's advice to keep some physical distance between them and moving to sit beside the blonde attorney.

"Don't say I didn't warn you," Alex muttered self-deprecatingly. "I just…I won't have chance to get ready in the time it takes Abbie to throw on her clothes from yesterday and for you to stack the dishwasher – which you can leave for me to do by the way seeing as you cooked breakfast. I'm ridiculously and stupidly disappointed that I'll have to make my own way to work later. And now I feel like I'm about twelve again, whining because I can't go to the movies with my friends."

"Oh sweetheart, ordinarily I'd wait for you and we'd all go in together but…" Olivia threw a cautious glance over her shoulder to make sure Abbie wasn't within earshot before continuing, "I know Abbie wants a word with Jack McCoy before you get in this morning." She draped her arm across Alex's hunched shoulders, gathering the younger woman to her side in a one-armed hug and pressing a tender kiss to her temple.

"Why? Is she kicking me off the case?" Alex asked, her distress increasing exponentially against Olivia's intentions.

"No! God no! 'Lex, she's pissed as hell about what he said to you yesterday, about what he implied. From what I can gather, she's planning on tearing him a new one and telling him to grow up." Olivia felt her stiffen beside her and rushed to defend Abbie's intended actions. "She's a fiercely loyal friend but first and foremost, she's doing this because she believes in you, in your abilities as a prosecutor and she won't stand for anyone undermining that. Let her at him, it's about time someone brought his pompous ass down a peg or two. He doesn't value you anywhere near enough. How many other prosecutors does he have under his remit with a conviction rate as high as yours or even in the same ballpark?" With another furtive glance over her shoulder, Liv pleaded, "she can't find out that you know about it. Please Alex, just let it go and enjoy a more leisurely start to your day. How's your back feeling after being scrunched up at that tiny table for so long? Why don't you have a bath and take your time getting ready?"

"Fine but if it backfires, I'm kicking both your asses. And I'm only agreeing to it because he deserves to get his ass kicked." Alex grimaced as she flexed the muscles along her spine, testing out their range of movement following her abuse of them. "My back is unsurprisingly kicking _my_ ass. Your idea sounds like a good one. I'm going to start running it. I meant what I said earlier though Liv. You concentrate on getting yourself ready, I'll take care of the dishes."

Both women rose from the bed together. The brunette half turned towards her friend and enveloped her in a warm hug. There was a moment's hesitation before Alex responded but when she did, she clung to the other woman like she was a lifeline in the middle of a bottomless ocean.

"Thank you," the detective murmured into Alex's ear, brushing her lips across the smooth skin of her cheek in passing.

"What for?" Alex queried uncertainly.

"Not fighting us on this. Letting your friends help and support you. Not pushing me away just now when I hugged you. So many things, I have to thank you for."

"Then thank you, as well because as many things as you think you should thank me for, undoubtedly I have double that to thank you for," Alex replied, brushing a warm palm against Olivia's expressive face briefly before stepping out of the loose embrace she was still held in. Although the attraction was still evident between them, each was relieved to find that they could still exchange casual embraces without incendiary fires of passion erupting. The tentative bridge building gave them both silent hope that navigating the waters ahead might not be as tricky as either of them had feared and that their strong bond of friendship would prove to be a strong ally rather than a distracting hurdle.

"If you're in the bath by the time we leave, I'll give you a call later to arrange plans for the viewing this evening," Olivia murmured, her tone intimately affectionate.

Alex nodded before requesting, "be careful out there and find something to nail Markson on."

"I'll do my best. Let us know if there's anything we can do to help you get Deckman back behind bars," Liv responded with a final squeeze to the attorney's forearm. "I'd better go before Abbie starts whining that I'm the one holding her up. I'll see you later." Instinctively, Olivia leaned in and pressed a chaste kiss to Alex's cheek before departing. In her wake, Alex raised her fingers to the spot where those succulent lips had been, caressing the slightly damp skin lightly with reverent fingertips and allowing her heart to truly believe for the first time that she hadn't alienated Olivia through her actions the previous morning.


	57. Chapter 57

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**I was aiming to have this online around Wednesday but managed to punch it out today and I know it'll only keep whispering to me if I don't upload it until then so Happy Monday! FrozenPurple & any other readers affected by Irene, hope you're all ok & you're not facing too much damage/destruction to clear up. Fearless74, whew that might be a whole oneshot by itself right there! ;) Not saying it won't get written at some point in the future. Never say never ;) **_

_**Thanks to everyone for reading and special thanks to those who do review and/or add this to their story alerts. Hope you all enjoy Abbie taking Jack to task for his asshat-ness in the last chapter. It's a fairly lengthy installment this one which sees elements of the story moving on a notch or two. And that's all I'm going to say for now... Read on, you'll see why!**_

_**Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday March 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**08.10**_

_**Jack McCoy's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

"Abbie, what a pleasant surprise. To what do I owe this pleasure?" Jack enquired as the US Attorney strode into his office without bothering to wait to be invited.

"As if you don't already know," Abbie fumed, dropping her attaché into one of the luxurious vintage leather chairs in front of the DA's desk. "What the hell was that about yesterday? Why did you attack Alex like that? If you had a problem with me requesting Alex as co-Counsel on the Camanetti case, you had your chance to object. Alex Cabot is an incredible attorney, a ferocious prosecutor and about as hard a worker as you're ever likely to find. Do you have any clue what your misguided rant did to her yesterday? Do you have any concept of the influence you have over the attorneys beneath you? Detective Benson and myself had to forcibly evict Alex from the SVU squad room shortly before midnight. She had been there for hours, pouring over every statement, every document, every photograph to try and find something she missed. Never took a break, never ate, barely drank anything despite the squad's best efforts to prevent her neglecting her welfare. And do you know why she believes that _she_ missed something? Do you know why she thinks that the judge's ridiculous decision to throw out the conviction is her fault? Because you put those ideas in her head, Jack, _you_ did. You badgered her into believing she had failed in her duty, despite having been the one to secure the conviction against Deckman in the first place – with solid evidence I might add. The appeal should never have been given the time of day let alone have been upheld. Judge Perriman is on the radar of the investigation I was called back to assist with. His days on the bench are numbered and he knows it, seems determined to cause as much chaos as possible before he's arrested for accepting bribes and promoting underage prostitution. The guy is a prize ass. The only reason he's still being assigned to hear cases is because there's not quite enough evidence yet to nail him but I wouldn't be surprised if Deckman proves to be the final straw, the one that is his downfall. No rational judge on the up and up would have bought that bunkum defence about a detective of John Munch's calibre coercing the victim into pursuing a conviction against Deckman. So tell me, Jack, what was really behind yesterday's stunt with Alex?" Abbie finally paused for breath, glowering menacingly down at her old colleague.

"What I do with regards to censuring my ADA's is my business, not yours and if Alex Cabot has an issue with that, she needs to discuss it with me herself," Jack replied sanctimoniously, sitting up straighter in a subconscious attempt to reduce the height difference their respective positions afforded them.

"I'm sure it was explained to you when you took the DA's seat but becoming District Attorney brings responsibilities along with those rights you so dearly flaunt. One of those responsibilities is to mentor, guide and promote talented prosecutors coming through the ranks below you. Brow beating, belittling and berating do not feature in that anywhere, especially not when it's unjustified. If you don't want Alex to succeed here in New York, I'm sure I could persuade my bosses that she would be a terrific asset in the US Attorney's office," Abbie obliquely threatened to headhunt the young, hotshot ADA. "With her conviction rate, it would be an easy cause to champion."

"Don't try to play games with me, Miss Carmichael. Just because you work for the Federal Government now doesn't mean I have to bend to your every whim. Alex Cabot is a grown woman who is more than capable of standing her ground if she believes I'm being too hard on her," Jack protested gruffly.

"Ordinarily, I would have no hesitation in agreeing with your assessment of her but right now, Alex is a woman who is putting herself under an inordinate amount of pressure in an attempt to be all things to all people and in doing so is risking spreading herself too thin. At some point, she will crack under that pressure if it continues at the rate it currently is doing and woe betide you Jack if you haven't done everything in your power to ease her burden on a professional level. Back the hell off and let her try her cases the way she sees fit without your attitude hanging around her neck like a noose waiting to choke her. Your behaviour could be seen by some as bullying, harassment. I'm sure you don't want that impression getting out," Abbie postulated before sweeping out of the office once again without giving her old boss the right of reply.

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday March 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**09.58**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

"Knock knock," a husky voice purred from the doorway, breaking Alex's concentration on the file in front of her.

"Hi Abbie, come on in," she invited, sitting back in her leather chair and tossing her pen onto the jotter. "What can I do for you?"

"I came to let you know that Jackson's arraignment has been pushed up to this afternoon. I'm not expecting you to drop everything and be in court with me for it, I just wanted to keep you in the loop," Abbie informed her as she stood behind one of the chairs in front of Alex's large, paper-strewn desk, hands braced against the back of the seat.

"I'd still like to be there," Alex argued. "Bail or remand?"

"Remand. No way I'm accepting letting this guy back out on the street without one hell of a fight. As long as there's breath in his body, he's a threat to women everywhere. Morientes and Sykes are still trying to track down Shona Jackson, no sign of her since Tian Mei let her sleep at her place. I've asked them to do a thorough background check into Ms Tian, just so we're covering our bases. I'd hate to be looking at Jackson for his wife's disappearance only to find there was a more local reason no one saw Shona after she went to Tian's that last time." Abbie rolled her head from shoulder to shoulder a few times, working out kinks in her neck.

"You want to ask Liv to look at that for you. She worked wonders on my back yesterday despite my best efforts to cripple myself," Alex directed with a wry smile at her own expense. "Do you honestly think Craig Jackson isn't responsible for Shona going missing?"

"I think it's highly likely that he's either directly or indirectly involved in her disappearance but suspecting it and confirming it are entirely different things and unfortunately right now, turning gut feeling into solid evidence is proving to be difficult. With the journals he kept, we have more than enough, I'd hope, to keep him behind bars until his trial. It should be a straight forward hearing. I know you have your hands full with the Deckman case…" Abbie hedged, not wanting to unduly pressurise her friend.

"Actually, Jack has taken it upon himself to handle the Deckman case. He claims he wants to make sure there's no possibility of Deckman getting off again when it goes back to trial. You wouldn't happen to have had anything to do with his change of heart, would you?" Alex asked, being sure to school her features into a mask of open curiosity.

Abbie twisted her mouth into a grotesque frown, shaking her head slowly from side to side. "Probably just Jack being his usual control-freak self. I'm sure you know as well as I do how much he likes to think the world would grind to a halt if he wasn't around to keep it turning."

"Sure," Alex replied simply, pausing to level an even stare directly on the fidgeting Texan. Her lips quirked slightly upwards at the corners at the tell-tale signs of what she already knew, thanks to Olivia. "Thank you," she murmured sincerely, eyes boring in Abbie's dark ones, letting her know that she was aware of the brunette's involvement and how much she appreciated it.

The Texan brushed off the gratitude with a terse nod. "So your workload just got a little lighter, doesn't mean you should load it right back up again straight away. Give yourself a break. I can handle this today. Catch up on some of this other stuff and take a little time out for yourself. I need you with your rational, analytical head on later when we view this place Liv has in mind for her new apartment."

"Fine but don't you dare let Jackson walk out of that court room unless he's being escorted back to his cell," Alex grumbled, grudgingly conceding that it wasn't entirely necessary for her to be in court, no matter how much she might want to see Jackson as he realised he wasn't getting out.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Wednesday March 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**18.23**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

"Judge Donnelly was incredible. That woman is fierce. Every argument Jackson's defence attorney tried for why he should be released on bail she rejected almost before I had chance to open my mouth. Both Jackson and his public defender left court looking like she'd kicked their favourite puppy. One of my easiest mornings in court in a long time. If only the trial goes as smoothly." Abbie cut a picture of satisfied relaxation as she lounged on the sofa in the corner of Alex's office with a bottle of water dangling limply from her long fingers. She had joined Alex after returning from the courthouse, deciding to wait for Olivia there so the brunette only needed to make one stop to collect them both.

"That's great, Abbie," Alex congratulated, her tone upbeat but barely masking her subdued mood. As the afternoon had drawn on, she had found herself increasingly dreading the apartment viewing. A gnawing sense of abandonment was swelling uncontrollably within her even as her rational mind fought it.

"Get your butt over here," Abbie instructed in a no nonsense tone, raising a sculpted eyebrow when Alex failed to comply immediately. She knew that Olivia would be joining them at any moment but sensed that there was something Alex needed to get out before they left for the apartment. "Don't make me drag you out of that chair."

"Why do so many of our conversations revolve around you threatening me?" Alex asked with mock indignation, rising to her feet all the same lest the brunette make good on her word to physically relocate her.

"Because you're too stubborn to do what's good for you without a little incentive. Now stop trying to distract me and talk to me about what's on your mind. We have about five minutes before Olivia arrives, plenty of time for you to unburden yourself to Aunt Abbie." The Texan pulled Alex down beside her on the sofa by her wrist as soon as she was close enough, earning a startled squeak from the younger attorney. "What's going on in that scarily big brain of yours?" the brunette asked softly, tracing a deft fingertip across Alex's brow with a feather-light touch.

"I'm being stupid again," Alex admitted with a deep sigh. Her chin dropped to her chest, lowering her gaze as a renewed sense of shame flooded her. "I can't help but feel…rejected…abandoned almost at the thought of Liv moving out. And before you say it, I know, rationally I know that it's for the best and it's a positive move but my heart and my brain don't seem to have any intention of being on the same page about it. Not yet at least."

"Try thinking about it another way then: At the moment, Liv spends time with you because you live together, for all intents and purposes, so she _has_ to spend time with you. I'm not saying it's not what she wants, I'm sure it is, but it's by necessity and circumstance. Once she has her own place, whenever you spend time together, you'll know that it's because she _wants_ to, not because she _has_ to. She'll be with you out of choice because she enjoys your company. There's no way you two won't be seeing almost as much of each other as you do now but it will purely be because it is both of your choices to get together and that makes whatever time you do spend with one another all the more special, don't you think?" Abbie suggested, gathering Alex closer and tucking her head beneath her chin, encouraging the young woman to draw comfort from her physical presence as well as her words.

"And what if, once she's away from my apartment, she decides she doesn't want to spend time with me? What if the only times I see her are at work and this whole thing has been a mistake? What if, when she's got some distance, she decides that I'm not what she wants because I'm just a makeshift Sam?" Alex questioned hotly, picking at a spot of lint on her otherwise immaculate black pencil skirt. "What if I find I can't deal with being alone again?" she added, almost inaudibly.

"None of those things are going to happen. You know how I know that? Because I've watched the two of you and no matter how confused either of you are right now about what you want and don't want, what's right and what's not, there _is_ an undeniable connection, a chemistry, between you that will always draw you back into one another's orbits. It brought you back after your return from Witsec and it will do so again when you're both in the right place emotionally. You will get through this, together and individually. You're Alex Cabot, you can do anything you put your mind to and nothing, not a thing, will stop you from achieving something if you want it to happen. Focus on believing in yourself, in how you feel and what you want for the future and then go out there and make it happen."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Wednesday March 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**18.58**_

_**East 48**__**th**__** Street, Olivia Benson's potential apartment**_

"So what do you think? Honestly?" Olivia asked of her two friends as the realtor left them to look around while she answered a particularly persistent caller on her cell phone.

"It's… yeah, it's a little smaller than your other one but I can see you in here," Alex replied, warming to the place more the longer they stayed. Already, she could envisage Liv's furniture fitting into the space and the detective pottering about during evenings and weekends when she wasn't working. She could also see herself enjoying spending time there with the brunette, lounging on a sofa in the cosy den with takeout and a movie. "It's actually very you, it has that almost bachelor pad feel to it – and I mean that in a good way!" Alex hastened to add fearing she might inadvertently upset the proud detective.

"I was hoping you'd feel that way, Alex. I really like it. It has lots of functional space and I think there's a good chance at least the essentials of my furniture will fit. I mean sure, the kitchen's basic but I'm not home often enough for that to really trouble me and it has room for a fridge so if all else fails, I'll go back to living on takeout deliveries," Olivia expounded with a nonchalant shrug of her shoulders, as though the thought really didn't disturb her in the slightest. "You're very quiet Abbie, let's hear it," she requested pinning the Texan with an unwavering stare.

"It could use a lick of paint and that second bedroom's…compact shall we say…" Abbie began, watching the two women opposite her with interest.

"Abbie," Liv growled, "I'm not looking for anything palatial and I'm perfectly willing and able to wield a can of paint around the place. Would the size of the spare room be a deal breaker for you, Alex? Since I'm hoping you'll be using it most often out of everyone I know. For the time being, at least," she added shyly, hinting at her longer term hopes for them to share the master bedroom.

Before responding, Alex wandered back into the room in question, heels clicking against the wooden flooring and echoing off the bare walls in the vacant space. She took her time, imagining a bed big enough for two plus a dresser and perhaps a couple of bedside drawers filling the currently empty shell. It would be snug but not overly so and once it had been decorated to Liv's tastes, the blonde was sure it would be very homely. "I think it's a very manageable size. After all, who wants a load of wasted space in a bedroom that you only have to spend more time keeping clean of clutter and the detritus of human living? We don't all need huge bedrooms to have wild rampant sex in, Abbie. For some of us, just the one surface is enough," Alex stated in dry tones, managing to keep her face straight even as the Texan flushed a deep red hue. When the blonde switched her gaze to Olivia however, she lost her composure entirely. The detective was gaping at her, mouth open wide and eyes even wider, a similarly vibrant blush colouring her cheeks. "Why Detective Benson, are you telling me you want floor space to ravage your unsuspecting guests on even though there would be a perfectly good bed mere inches away?" Alex drawled in a surprisingly good imitation of Abbie's natural twang.

A strangled gasp escaped from somewhere deep within Olivia's throat while Abbie simply whimpered and pressed a hand to her eyes, though whether that was in an attempt to block out the images Alex's words conjured or to try to preserve them she couldn't honestly say.

"I'm…uh…" Liv squeaked, clearing her throat before trying again. "I'm not telling you anything!"

Alex released a genuine peel of laughter at having flummoxed her friends so effectively. With a shake of her head, she muttered, "hounds, the pair of you. Nothing but a pair of hounds!"

"So, have we decided whether we're taking it?" the incessantly chipper realtor asked as she breezed back in to the apartment.

"I have and I will. Take it, I mean. I'll take it," Liv stammered, still trying to recover her wits.

"Excellent, I'll start drawing up the papers tomorrow. I'll need the security deposit by the end of the week. As soon as that's dealt with and the contract's signed, assuming your references come back satisfactorily, you can begin moving in." The woman's forced enthusiasm, a trademark of her profession, was a little nauseating but still the trio couldn't help but be at least a little excited to have found Olivia's new home. It was a bittersweet moment for Olivia, the point at which she truly believed the next chapter of her life was about to begin, one which would see her moving further and further away from Samia but hopefully closer towards a second chance at a settled, fulfilling life with Alex at her side, surrounded by the very best of friends.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 13<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**18.47**_

_**New Yorker Hotel**_

Abbie stepped into the bustling convention room slightly behind Alex, allowing the guest of honour to be greeted ceremoniously by those in charge of the door.

"Alexandra! I was beginning to think you weren't going to appear," an immaculately dressed and styled woman who appeared to be in her mid to late 60's exclaimed as she honed in on the stunning blonde ADA.

"Aunt Helen," Alex greeted cordially, kissing both cheeks loftily. "I said I'd be here, we agreed seven o'clock at the latest," she admonished coolly, not willing to allow the put downs to go unchallenged as soon as she set foot in the door.

"Where's your date, dear? You said you were bringing a gentleman escort with you. I'll have to re-organise the entire seating plan if you're alone. There's no possible way I can arrange for someone to accompany you at such short notice," the overbearing woman continued as though oblivious to her niece's disquietude.

"I'm not alone and I never said I was bringing a man. You assumed that's what I meant. I merely said that there was someone I had in mind to accompany." Alex reached back behind her and grabbed Abbie's wrist, tugging her forward until the svelte brunette was standing beside her. "Aunt Helen, I'd like you to meet my good friend, Abbie Carmichael. Abbie's a US Attorney out of Washington DC. Abbie, this is my Aunt Helen, Uncle Bill's – Judge William Harriman – wife." Abbie extended a slender hand in preparation to appropriately greet Alex's aunt.

The older woman merely glanced down at the open palm before sweeping her gaze critically over every inch of the tall, Texan brunette. "You should have told me you couldn't find a date, Alexandra. I could have intervened on your behalf. There really was no need to drag a friend along."

Alex watched, horrified as Abbie's hand dropped back to her side like a stone. While her friend admirably masked her distaste at the less than warm welcome, Alex allowed her ire to shine through her expressive eyes. Their blue hardened to the colour of cool flint. Deliberately, she wrapped one arm around Abbie's slender waist, moulding their bodies together along their length. "Abbie _is_ my date this evening. I have no interest in entertaining your latest choice of completely unsuitable man for as long as is polite and then spending another month threatening him with a restraining order if he doesn't take no for an answer."

Abbie was momentarily stunned by the bold move, even more so by the ice dripping from every syllable which fell from the younger woman's lips. Recovering smoothly, she brought her own arm up to rest around Alex's back, palm wrapping itself around the prominent hip bone beneath the smooth, silky fabric of the attorney's blood red dress. She felt Alex relax into her, resting just a little more of her weight against her in a move so natural that for a fraction of second, the brunette allowed herself to imagine their fabrication to be true. A hissed screech brought her back to the reality of the moment.

"_You brought a woman as a date?_" Helen looked apoplectic, a vein bulging dangerously near her temple. "Do you have any idea what this will do to the Foundation? To the family name? To your career? Alexandra, you cannot seriously expect us to condone this type of rebellious behaviour. You're a grown woman, the time for such ridiculous attempts to garner attention has long since passed. Now, put your _friend_ down, invite her to leave and let me find you a suitable companion for the remainder of the evening."

"No," Alex stated vehemently, leaving her audience with the impression she would have stamped her foot too if it wouldn't have made her look exactly like the temperamental teenager her aunt seemed to be comparing her to. "This evening is for _my_ Foundation. The Foundation _I_ created from the money left to me by Daddy. _You_ don't get to tell me what I can and can't do, not tonight, not tomorrow, not ever. You are not my mother," she hissed, face flushing brighter as her temper continued to rise.

"Alex, it's fine. If it's going to cause a scene, I'll go," Abbie murmured, aware of those in the crowd around them beginning to take an interest in the exchange.

Cobalt eyes spun round to pin her with a fierce glare so quickly Abbie half expected the owner of them to experience whiplash. "You'll do no such thing. You're here as my guest and I would very much like to spend the evening celebrating the Foundation's successes with you. If my aunt can't handle that, then perhaps _she_ is the one who should leave." Turning back around just as quickly as she had switched her gaze to Abbie, Alex glowered at her aunt. "I appreciate everything you have done to make this benefit happen but if Abbie leaves, so do I and you'll be without a keynote speaker. Abbie and I are just friends, for goodness sakes, but even if we weren't I would expect you to treat anyone I date with at least some small modicum of respect, regardless of whether they are male or female. It's not a scandal to prefer the company of your own sex any longer, Aunt Helen, and if it is in the circles you choose to move in, then I feel sorry for you. Open your mind and your heart to all life has to offer, not just those which your narrow-minded friends deem palatable. You might just be surprised at how many wonderful people there are out there." Alex never released her grip on Abbie's waist, despite clarifying that she wasn't romantically linked to the tall, willowy brunette, needing the connection to keep her steady. Her knees were shaking and her legs felt like jelly, never having talked back to Helen in her life, no matter how many times she had wanted to physically shake the woman for her matchmaking attempts and blatant snobbery.

"Well, you ungrateful…" Helen groused, glaring with ill-disguised disgust at the pair.

"Unless you really want a scene, I wouldn't complete that sentence," Abbie warned protectively, wanting to shield her friend from further upset. She could feel the tremors running through Alex and though she wasn't entirely sure if it was from adrenaline, anger or distress, she wasn't taking any chances.

Helen threw one hand up, effectively dismissing them from her consideration, and spun on her heel, marching off into the crowd, no doubt in search of her husband. Alex and Abbie watched her go in stunned silence, neither moving nor speaking for long moments after her departure.

"You ok?" Abbie asked gently at length, angling her body towards the stunned blonde without letting her go.

"I need a drink," Alex admitted with a wry chuckle. "Let's grab a glass of champagne and find out where we're sitting. I suddenly hope it's with anyone but Aunt Helen and Uncle Bill."

"Champagne?" Abbie queried, surprised (even though she acknowledged she shouldn't have been looking around at the decadent surroundings). "Does the cost of that come out of people's donations to the Foundation?"

"No, God no!" Alex assured, retrieving her arm but hooking it around Abbie's elbow instead to maintain their connection. "I set up a separate budget for events such as this. All the costs are met from that," she explained.

"And who puts the money into that budget?" Abbie pressed, concerned that Alex alone was paying for the lavish evening and all its trimmings.

"Ten percent of the price of each ticket sold goes into that account towards the costs of hosting and organising the event. The remainder is provided by the annual interest from a sum of money I invested after Daddy died. Whatever is raised in ticket sales this evening and the amount of that interest dictates the venue and catering for the following year's fundraiser so in effect, it goes towards paying for itself." Alex spoke in a casual, almost blasé manner, telegraphing how money had never been in short supply as she grew up but also that she had been taught to invest it wisely to maximise her assets.

"Impressive," Abbie purred, genuinely interested in the life-changing organisation Alex had been so involved in creating. "So how much do tickets for this fancy shindig retail for?"

"$400 per ticket. Maximum numbers depend on the size of the venue we're able to secure. This year, we're fortunate to have been able to provide 1500 tickets, although not all of those are sold at $400. I insist that 100 are set aside for volunteers from the projects the Foundation supports as a thank you for their amazing work throughout the year. Plus, of course, myself and other members of the board don't pay for our tickets which is another 20 tickets – members plus a guest – but the remaining 1380 have all been sold." Alex led Abbie through the crowd towards the large seating plan, snagging two flutes of ice-cold champagne as a waiter passed by. She handed one off to her companion, snaking her arm back through the crook of Abbie's elbow and taking a sip nonchalantly.

"So you've raised over $500,000 in ticket sales alone this evening?" Abbie squawked, eyes widening with incredulity. "That's incredible!"

"Not really. It's rather a paltry amount when you break it down among the projects that need our funding to continue. This is the single largest income generating event of the fundraising calendar and it provides us with a good base from which to build but we do smaller, more accessible events throughout the year also. I never want us to be in a position where we have to give preference to one project over another because there isn't enough money in the account to support both. I'd rather support neither than be forced to choose a preference between good causes needing assistance. How do you rationalise a decision to say yes, a group of terminally ill youngsters can have one last holiday of a lifetime with their families but no, a local orphanage which is running out of places for their kids to sleep can't have an extension? I make a point of reading some of the letters we get sent each year and every time, it breaks my heart to read of the suffering and the struggles some of these families go through. Their stories are inspiring and that, those people out there who have been kicked so many times by life are the ones who drive me on to raise as much money as we can." Alex's gaze softened as she recalled a few of the more memorable tales she had been privileged to hear. "When I went into the Witsec programme, once I'd adjusted to my new life a little, one of my greatest fears was that no one would continue the Foundation, that it would falter and peter out without me around. And it wasn't my legacy dying that bothered me so much as it was the prospect of those so much less fortunate than I've been no longer receiving that support, those opportunities the Foundation provides them with. Once I came back and saw that it had not only continued but it had flourished, I truly realised what a special, amazing team we had running it. I leave a lot of it to them nowadays and show my support instead by volunteering at some of the projects when I can, although they do know that they can come to me if ever they need anything at all."

Abbie pulled Alex to a halt, off to the side of the room and out of the path of the milling human traffic, spinning the gorgeous blonde around to face her. "Alex Cabot, you are…" Abbie's eyes glistened a little as she attempted to find suitable words to describe the goddess standing before her. "You are quite possibly the most complex, contradictory, amazing, generous and beautifully-spirited woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. If only the voting masses knew the real you, you would be DA and more in a heartbeat. You are exactly the kind of role model this country needs – not just young women but women, men, people of all ages should follow your example. God, Alex…I'm in awe of you. You are incredible," Abbie breathed, enunciating every word of her final statement with extra precision and emphasis. Swept up in the moment, she gathered the younger woman close, holding her tightly against her own body and squeezing her fiercely, being careful not to splash Champagne on her as she did so. "If you weren't spoken for, I'd be kissing you right now, regardless of the fact that we're in a room full of pompous, bigoted, stuffed shirts who are only here to network, congratulate themselves and stuff their faces with free Champagne and canapés," she whispered into the delicate shell of Alex's ear, breath tickling the fine hairs which had escaped from the elaborate up-do her stylist had created for her.

A tremor of desire raced through Alex's body at the earnestly spoken words, knowing that nothing would happen between them in deference to Olivia's importance in both their lives but still feeling that same spark of desire which had flooded through them the last time they had met. "Abbie…" she husked warningly, exercising her every inch of self-control.

"Sorry," the Texan murmured, stepping back and releasing her friend. "Sometimes I just can't help myself. And can you blame me, really? I mean, look at you! In your crimson dress that clings to every curve, your eff-me pumps which, if I may say so, accentuate your calves exquisitely, your hair swept up like that to expose your neck and frame that amazingly beautiful face, you're irresistible even before you open your mouth. But when you talk like that, when I hear how selfless you really are…Jesus, Alex, I'd have to be made of stone not to react to you. I am sorry, really I am, if it makes you uncomfortable and I'll work harder on keeping myself to myself." One of Abbie's hands clenched and unclenched convulsively by her sides, the other gripped her Champagne flute tightly, thumb unconsciously brushing over the smooth swell of the glass.

"Uncomfortable isn't exactly the word I'd use," Alex replied, a gentle blush rising from where her dress dipped in a daring V over her chest, offering a tantalising glimpse of the encased modest cleavage. "But you know I can't…that I'd feel like I was cheating on Liv if we…let anything happen between us again."

"I do and the last thing I want is for anything to stand in the way of you and her being together." They each looked away from one another, willing the spell captivating them to end so that there didn't have to be any awkwardness or tension between them for the remainder of the evening.

"You're not the only one…feeling it," Alex admitted haltingly. "You…in that dress…and your hair…so naturally beautiful. Abbie, you're gorgeous and I'd have to be blind not to see it...to react to it, to _you_, too." Alex raised one trembling hand, reaching out to cup Abbie's cheek as she warred with temptation.

"_Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please take your seats. The evening's address will begin shortly_," a male voice announced over the tannoy system, effectively breaking the moment. Their gazes met and they shared a tremulous smile before hurrying to the seating plan and locating which table they were sharing.

Alex groaned as she saw that not only were they about to be forced into spending the first part of the evening with Helen and Bill Harriman but that the other occupants at their table included their bratty daughter, a direct clone of her mother, and her date plus a variety of other socialites with similar views. "I'll apologise in advance for anything any of these people might say to you. Please, whatever happens, don't think this is a reflection of who I am," she pleaded.

"Alex, I know you better than any of these people. They won't sway my opinion of you," the brunette assured her friend warmly, with a reassuring smile and a squeeze to her forearm. As her hand retreated, Alex grabbed it, gripping it tightly as she led the way to their table, a testament to her nerves.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 13<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**20.34**_

_**New Yorker Hotel**_

"…thank you all for your generous donations to the Foundation over the last twelve months, your continued support has and will continue to make a difference to so many lives." Alex paused in her address, glancing over to the table where Abbie sat, surrounded by people who had shunned her from the moment they had taken their seats. "I was explaining how the Foundation works to the remarkable woman who has accompanied me to this event earlier tonight and her enthusiasm, her fresh vision of what we achieve every day with the money available reminded me of the real reason I created this charity. I'm not looking for a pat on the back, or a tax break on my investment – perhaps that was part of my driving ambition when I created the Foundation but once I became involved at the ground level, that swiftly changed. My own personal reward now comes from the letters written to our office daily from people seeking assistance and from those who have received help from one of the projects we support. Please, bear with me while I share one such story with you," Alex requested, chancing a glance at her aunt who predictably looked as though she was sucking on a particularly sour lemon. Taking a breath to steady herself, the blonde attorney continued, discarding her notes as she deviated completely from her prepared speech. "One of the project leaders wrote to the Foundation about a woman who had approached them with a heartbreaking story. Over a period of just two years, she had lost her husband after a long battle with cancer, her mother and sister in a motor vehicle accident, her eldest son to meningitis and her middle child, another son, was, at the time, critically ill in hospital following a fall. Now you might all be thinking that whilst tragic, her circumstances do not warrant any intervention from the projects the Foundation supports and you'd be right. Except she wasn't writing for assistance for herself but for her ten year old daughter, whom I will call Molly. Molly had shown signs of becoming more and more introverted with each death but stopped talking completely after her eldest brother had died. She had still communicated after that via flashcards and written notes but the trauma of all those events had caused her to withdraw to such an extent that she never, not once, made a sound. She never spoke, she never cried, she never laughed or sang or screamed or shouted from that point onwards. The school Molly attended brought in educational psychologists but it was beyond their realm of expertise and so they walked away from her, telling her mother that the only option was for her to see a psychologist who specialised in such issues. Their insurance wouldn't cover such treatment and with having had to pay for so many funerals, the family were struggling financially. When her other brother had his accident, Molly began refusing to leave her mother's side. Wherever her mother went, Molly would follow. Even in their home, she would show signs of acute distress if she couldn't be in the same room as her mother but still Molly wouldn't speak. The friends that Molly had had at school abandoned her, unable to understand the change in her. She was a little girl alone and sinking under the weight of the loss of most of her family. Molly's brother died from his injuries shortly after her mom wrote the initial letter so it's just the two of them now.

"The project Molly's mother contacted arranged for them both to spend some time with a therapist. Through various mediums and methods, the therapist addressed some of their joint issues and coaxed Molly into believing that her mother could leave her side and would return, that she too wouldn't leave her, would die. Over a few months of daily sessions, the length of time they could be separated before Molly became anxious increased until one day, Molly's mother was able to leave her daughter at a play centre for a whole afternoon. When it was time for Molly to go home, her mother asked her what she had spent the day doing, like she did every time they had been apart…and Molly spoke the first words she had said in over twelve months. Instead of showing her mom what she had done with the flash cards she constantly carried, that brave young girl described how she had been making models of animals out of clay and building a fort with another little girl." Alex took a moment to flash a watery smile in Abbie's direction, still incredibly moved by the child's plight.

"As part of the support this family have received from the Foundation, a commemorative garden has been commissioned as a place where both Molly and her mother can go to feel close to those members of their relatives they have lost. They have planted a tree for each of the people in their lives who have died within the last two years as a living memorial. Nine months have passed since her mother wrote that letter. Molly has just returned fulltime to a mainstream school, is making new friends and, with the project's help, is continuing to meet with a therapist to work through her anxiety and separation issues. This is just one example of the hundreds of young people and families whose lives the Foundation touches every year, with your support. There's no reason now why Molly can't go on to live a full, happy and productive life, a life she might have been deprived of had the project not been accessible to her and her mother. Your support means a lot to me…but it means so much more to those people, those families who benefit from your donations so please, give as generously as you can and if anyone would be prepared to give up just a little of their time to volunteer at any of the projects supported, please do consider doing so. There are representatives from each of the good causes the Foundation has contributed funds to over the last twelve months here this evening who will be happy to talk to you about what each of them does and how to go about volunteering. From personal experience, I can assure you it is a life-affirming process which will stay with you for good." Alex took another breath, reining in her emotions as best she could. "Thank you very much for your time this evening. Enjoy yourselves and the festivities but please do take a moment to remember why we are all here." The attorney demurely stepped away from the podium, polite applause ringing in her ears. She made her way to the side of the stage area, preparing to descend back into the main body of the convention hall, grateful that the worst part of the ordeal was over. A gentle smile spread across her face as she saw Abbie waiting for her at the foot of the short staircase, hand outstretched to assist her safely to solid ground.

"That was incredible," Abbie informed her, adoration shining in her eyes as her smile widened, creating deep dimples in each cheek. "You were incredible," she reiterated, clasping her hand securely as she escorted her back to the table.

"Thank you," Alex murmured sincerely, touched by Abbie's grace and chivalry. As they arrived at the table, she was aware of Aunt Helen fixing them both with a disdainful sneer.

"Was that saccharine tale of pity really necessary, Alexandra? We want to encourage donations, not deter patrons with the gruesome details that needn't trouble them," the woman intoned loftily, earning sycophantic hums of agreement from a few others around their table.

"Indeed. God forbid any of you actually hear about the sordid, unsanitary reasons for being here this evening," Alex fumed, snatching her purse up from the seat she had left it on when stepping up to make her speech and striding purposefully in the direction of the bar.

Abbie stood motionless for a moment, torn between tearing a strip off the sanctimonious crone and rushing after Alex to see she was alright. Bill Harriman intervened before she could open her mouth.

"Ms Carmichael, forgive my wife's ignorance and snobbery and please let Alexandra know that I found her speech incredibly moving and insightful."

"_Ladies and gentlemen, please make your way to the ballroom where further refreshments will be served and your entertainment for the evening is waiting_," the booming voice of their compère requested. Abbie's attempts to follow Alex out of the room were hampered by the milling crowd who were also now making their way to the exits.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 13<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**21.12**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"Benson," Olivia said in clipped tones, knowing that a call at that time of night rarely signalled anything good, especially when she was catching.

"Liv, looks like Markson's struck again. We got a report of another body matching his MO," Fin explained through the tiny speaker beside her ear.

"It hasn't been two weeks yet," Liv stated, already pulling her holster and badge on as she held the cell phone tucked between her cheek and shoulder.

"I know but description given fits. Blonde female, posed in a service alleyway behind the New Yorker Hotel, bound with barbed wire, branded. If it ain't him, we got ourselves a copycat," Fin supplied gravely.

"The New Yorker?" Liv asked, blood running cold in her veins.

"Yeah, that a problem?" Fin queried, detecting the note of panic in her tone.

"Alex is there tonight at a fundraiser for her Foundation." Her urgency to get ready and leave the apartment escalated exponentially.

"Shit!" Fin exclaimed. "I'm on my way there, I'll see you at the scene," he said knowing the brunette would be keen to clear the line so she could call Cabot's cell.

Liv merely grunted a response before hanging up, immediately redialling Alex's number. "Come on, come on, pick up," she muttered as she slipped her arms rapidly into her leather jacket. The number rang out until the answering service picked up. Ending the call without leaving a message, she tried it again, hoping that Alex just hadn't found her phone in time to answer but once again it went through to her answerphone. As she bolted down the hallway to the lift, frantically stabbing at the call button, she punched in Abbie's cell phone number, hoping to speak to the Texan and reassure herself that the body reported did not belong to her closest friend.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 13<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**21.17**_

_**New Yorker Hotel**_

"Excuse me, Judge Harriman, have you seen Alex?" Abbie asked tentatively, having scoured the bar and the ballroom, the cloakroom and the convention hall in case the blonde had doubled back in search of her.

"Not since my wife drove her away from the table earlier, no, I'm afraid not. When she was younger and wanted to get away from overbearing…situations, she would take herself off to her father's study or the library. Is there a reading lounge in the hotel? I'd suggest looking for her there since I presume you've already checked in the obvious places," Bill Harriman recommended with a sympathetic smile before turning back to his companions.

Abbie strode through the crowded ballroom, cursing having allowed herself to be distracted from her pursuit of her friend by the appearance of an old adversary. It might have only cost her the few minutes it took to exchange forced pleasantries with the obsequious defence attorney but she still worried that it would have looked to Alex as though Abbie was unconcerned about how much her aunt's insensitivity had hurt her. She was vaguely aware of a phone ringing beneath the general hum of the room. It took until she stepped out into the quieter hallway for her to realise that it was her cell phone.

"Hi Liv, what's up?" she asked as the call connected.

"Abbie, thank God!" Liv gasped, urgently. "Is Alex with you?"

"No, do you need her for a warrant? We got separated about half an hour ago, I'm trying to track down where she's got to." Abbie's head swivelled all around, trying to catch any glimpse of the errant young woman.

Olivia groaned, her hopes fading fast for Alex's welfare. "I need you to find her. Now, Abbie. I need you to find her so I know she's ok, that it's not her." Liv's voice broke as she uttered her desperate request into the hands-free microphone she had attached to her phone, gunning the engine of her vintage Mustang and peeling out of the parking garage.

"What do you mean? What's not her? Olivia, what's going on?" Abbie asked, her efforts to find the blonde attorney doubling at the raw pain in her friend's voice.

"There's been reports of a body…behind the hotel. It sounds like Markson's work," Liv explained tightly as she manoeuvred around obstacles in her path as though she was on a racetrack.

"What? The…which hotel? _This_ hotel?" Abbie squawked, horrified as her mind leapt to gruesome conclusions. "Where? Where's the body?"

"In an alley out back but you can't go out there, Abbie," Liv protested, swearing at a driver who cut her up and blasting them with her horn.

"The hell I can't," the Texan growled, storming out of the front door of the hotel and looking around for the tell-tale strobing of blue and red lights and a gathering crowd. She dashed, as fast as was possible on the icy sidewalk, to the nearest alleyway, peering into it with no small amount of trepidation. There was nothing there, no police presence, no mutilated body, nothing. Swift feet carried her along the front of the hotel, dodging in and out of the foot traffic with such purpose that most stepped out of her path

"Abbie, stay away from it, please," Liv was pleading in her ear, desperate to prevent her friend from being traumatised unnecessarily if the body did turn out to be Alex's.

"I should have stayed with her. This is on me. If that body is hers, this is all on me," Abbie chanted, staggering slightly as she rounded the corner and saw the huddle of officers beginning to form a perimeter to hold back any onlookers. She stepped forward with determined strides only to be brought up short by the familiar form of Detective Tutuola barring her from going any further.

"You don't need to see that, Abbie," he murmured gently, his normally coffee-coloured skin pale and wan.

"Is it her? Is it Alex?" Abbie asked, fighting against him in her desperation to see for herself whether she had failed the younger woman in the worst possible way.

"We can't tell," Fin replied cryptically, tightening his hold and attempting to steer her back to the street.

"Why? What's he done to her? Why can't you tell whether it's her or not? Surely you recognise your own ADA," Abbie insisted, while Olivia yelled similar questions in her ear.

"Abbie, we can't make a visual identification. Her face…it's gone, busted beyond recognition. Perp did a real number on her. We'll have to wait for fingerprints or DNA to know," Fin explained as gently as he could, hearing Liv's anguished cry floating through the still open phone line.

"Get EMT's here, now! She's got a pulse," a voice hollered from the alleyway.

* * *

><p><strong><em>If you really feel the overwhelming need to throw things, please can I request that they're not too sharp, pointed or heavy? I'll do my best not to keep you all hanging on the edge of that cliff for too long ;) Evil may be my middle name!<em>**


	58. Chapter 58

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one**_

_**Wow, that was quite some response to the last chapter and I'm not saying threats work but I couldn't bring myself to make you wait until weekend for this chapter after leaving you out there dangling on that cliff edge! I must say, some very inventive and creative readers finding things to throw at me that were not included in the list of banned items - that pork chop was tasty by the way, Dee Hensley, thanks for tossing it my way! ;) I'm using the brick shaped objects to build me a nice fort, just you know, in case I should need protection in future! ;)**_

_**Thank you to you all for reading, reviewing and generally making me smile during what is proving to be a pretty exhausting time work- and family-wise. Your words of appreciation, encouragement and critique are very much welcomed. And to anyone just joining the story, serious kudos for wading through this many chapters! I take my hat off to you and hope you all, each and every one, enjoy the continuing journey. Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 13<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**21.23**_

_**New Yorker Hotel**_

"Let me through. Let go of me, let me see her. I'll know if it's Alex," Abbie begged, wrestling against Fin's hold with all her might. "Her dress, she was wearing a red silk dress, crimson. I'll know if it's her from her dress."

"That's not going to help, Abbie. Right now, you need to let the EMT's do their job," Fin insisted. "Whoever the victim is, whether it's Alex or not, getting in the way of the medics is just going to endanger her life further. We have to give them a shot at saving her."

"I won't get in the way, I just need to see. Please! If not for me, let me see so I can let Olivia know whether it's Alex or not. I'll recognise the dress she was wearing if you just let me see her," Abbie persisted, not hearing what Fin was telling her, or the hysterical requests for information through the still open phone line.

"There's no point, Abbie. The victim is naked, her clothes weren't anywhere obvious around the body. I need for you to go back inside and let me work this scene." Fin pushed Abbie's rigid body into the arms of a burly patrol officer, barking instructions at the muscle-bound young man to remove the distraught attorney from the street. He gently extracted the cell phone from her clenched fist. "Liv, you there?" he asked tersely.

"Fin! What the…Is it her? Is it Alex?" A screech of tires sounded through the line accompanied by a string of expletives.

"Woah, slow down there. Where you at? How far out are you?" Fin enquired, trying to reach Detective Benson rather than Olivia, terrified friend of Alex Cabot.

"About five minutes away. Talk to me, please Fin, tell me what's going on," Liv pleaded.

"I can only tell you what we know for certain so far," her temporary partner cautioned before hurrying on, hoping to calm at least some of her worries lest she get into a wreck whilst driving in her haste to make it to the scene. "A kitchen worker found what was assumed to be a dead body of a woman near the bins when he was putting some trash out. The hotel called it in, asking for discretion due to the number of high profile guests in attendance at this fundraiser they're hosting. Responding officers reported that the victim was female, blonde hair, age indeterminate due to the extent of her injuries, bound with barbed wire and posed in a suggestive position. There appear to be marks across her abdomen in keeping with the branding in the other victims we suspect Markson of attacking. She's been heavily beaten, particularly around the head and face, making any kind of definite visual identification impossible until we check her fingerprints or DNA." Fin paused as he watched a gurney being rushed past him in a flurry of frenetic activity.

"We've lost output," one of the EMT's called grimly.

"Is that her? Are they…Is she dying?" Liv choked out, the distance to the crime scene growing ever smaller even as it felt like it was increasing.

"They're doing everything they can for her, Liv," Fin assured softly, turning away from the heinous sight but the image was burned into his memory. The extent of the beating had rendered intubation impossible, leading to the medical team having to perform an emergency tracheotomy to secure an airway for the victim. From behind him, he heard the ongoing battle to save the unidentified woman, medics shouting instructions and talking through what they were doing to treat her. He cringed at the sounds of her body being shocked with a defibrillator in an effort to revive her heart.

"Are there signs of sexual assault?" the brunette enquired, voice watery and timid.

"It appears so, in keeping with the previous victims," Fin answered shortly.

"Her shoulder…Fin look at her right shoulder," Liv bellowed urgently, suddenly recalling a way to determine whether the woman was Alex or not for certain without having an excruciating wait for results. "If it's Alex, there'll be a scar from where she was shot."

Fin spun around, striding towards the back of the ambulance where the EMT's were frantically trying to save their patient. Another wave of electricity was pumped into her prone form, causing her to arch up from the gurney on which she lay. The heart monitor tracking her progress continued to flatline but still the medics fought. Carefully, the EMT not providing cardiac massage checked the woman's vitals, testing her pupils reaction to his torch as best he could.

"Both pupils fixed and dilated," he announced sombrely, withdrawing from the patient and sitting back on his haunches. "I'm calling it, no way she's coming back from this. Time of death: 21.29."

Liv sprinted over, having slewed her car to the side of the road haphazardly, flashing her badge and growling at anyone who tried to prevent her progress. She skidded to a halt as the EMT's pulled a blanket up over the battered face of their latest victim. "No! No, no, no, no, NO!" she whimpered, hesitantly stepping forward, torn between confirming it was her friend and desperately not wanting to kill the tiny shred of hope that lingered inside of her.

Abbie paced restlessly inside the room they had set aside to corral her in, hands wringing in front of her over and over again, eyes darting around the space as though calculating her odds of escape even though she had made no attempt to leave since being brought there. She was replaying the evening over and over in her mind, wondering what she could have done, what she _should_ have done, differently to prevent this. If only she had gone after Alex straight away. If only she had told that sleazeball Brett Michaels where to go instead of forcing herself to be courteous. If only she had thought to check outside the hotel earlier. If only it had been her and not Alex. If only…

"Where is she? Where is Miss Carmichael?" a familiar voice asked from beyond the heavy wooden door.

Abbie froze, panic rising within her. She couldn't do this. She couldn't face Olivia, not after failing her so pitifully. Her eyes darted around the room with renewed vigour, looking for any available option. She couldn't be here when that door opened. She couldn't stand to see the despair, the distress, the disappointment in the older woman's eyes. But it was too late, the door was opening and there was nowhere for her to go. Bracing herself for the world of hurt that would surely follow, Abbie faced her visitor with the air of someone walking to their execution.

Olivia stepped over the threshold, eying the young brunette warily, trying to assess how best to break the news to her. She opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by the clattering of heels against the marble floor, rapidly approaching their location.

"Abbie…" Liv called rapidly, urgently, wanting to get the words out.

A blonde vision, wrapped in a form-fitting red dress swept into the doorway before she could get any further. Abbie's breathing went from frantic, panicked pants to non-existent, lungs frozen in her chest, at the vision of Alex before her, safe, sound and not a scratch on her.

"Abbie, breathe," Liv barked, watching in horror as her friend's complexion lost all colour. Her loyalties were torn between smothering the woman who had just arrived to reassure herself that she was really there and tending to the obviously shocked Texan who had had no idea the younger attorney was not the victim in the alley. In the end, Alex made the decision for her, rushing past where she stood and dashing to Abbie's side.

She pulled the tall Texan to her, wrapping her up in a fierce embrace and whispering in her ear, "Abbie, look at me. Abbie, I'm here, I'm ok. It wasn't me. It wasn't me." Alex kept repeating that reassuring phrase until she felt her friend begin to breathe again, deep wracking sobs of relief.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" Abbie cried, over and over again, clinging to Alex as though terrified she would disappear if only she loosened her grip.

Olivia approached the pair, aiding Alex to guide Abbie down into an armchair, perching on the opposite arm to where the young blonde situated herself, surrounding their mutual friend and aiming to provide reassurance and comfort as best they could.

"Where were you? I looked all over for you and then when Liv phoned…and the victim…and you weren't anywhere to be found…" Abbie stuttered almost incoherently, fixing Alex with an accusatory glare. "Why couldn't I find you?"

"I am so, so sorry…both of you, that you couldn't get hold of me to know it wasn't me in that alley. My phone was still on silent and I… After Aunt Helen pulled me up short following my speech, I stepped out into the bar to get some distance from her. An actress approached me, wanting to talk to me about how she could become a regular patron of the Foundation and how she might go about offering her services as a volunteer. She's staying in an executive suite here at the hotel so we went to the lounge on that floor to talk somewhere quiet – she wanted her involvement to be kept under the radar, insisted that she isn't doing it for any kind of publicity and would prefer it if no one knew what she was planning to do. She told me about how her younger brother had struggled during his early teenage years, lashing out and acting up with nothing anyone tried helping or getting to the bottom of his behaviour. He hanged himself on his nineteenth birthday, leaving a suicide note for his family in which he explained his confusion and fear about himself. He had been fighting against accepting he was gay, terrified that he would lose everything, that he wouldn't be able to be the man he wanted to be. His sister told me how she wished there had been a project available to him then like one we support now through the Foundation, somewhere he could have gone to talk through his worries and anxieties with people who understood. She believes that had he had that kind of support network, he would still be alive today and she has been looking for a suitable charity to support ever since she had the money to make a difference. I got so wrapped up in talking to her about it, about what she could do and how she could help that I completely lost track of time. When I came back downstairs, Uncle Bill saw me and told me you had been looking for me. One of the patrol officers outside filled me in on the rest and pointed me in the direction of where I could find you." Alex reached out as she spoke, gripping Abbie's forearm firmly and reaching across the divide to hold Olivia's hand, needing that physical connection with them both.

"Don't you ever – _ever_ – scare me like that again!" Abbie growled, menacingly, her shock subsiding and being replaced by irrational anger directed towards the younger attorney. "I honestly don't know whether to kiss you or kill you myself right now."

"Abbie!" Liv baulked, understanding the sentiment but not being willing to speak it out loud.

"It's ok, Liv, I deserve that," Alex conceded.

The willowy brunette appeared to make up her mind which option she favoured, bolting to her feet and dragging Alex with her. She hugged the young woman tightly, squeezing her with all her might for long moments. Drawing back only as far as was physically necessary, Abbie reached one hand out to Olivia, grabbing her wrist and hauling her into the huddle. The three of them crowded together, one arm around each person beside them in a circular hug.

"I was so scared," the Texan admitted quietly. "I thought I'd let you both down so badly and I knew you'd never forgive me, Liv, for letting that happen."

"I wouldn't have blamed you, Abs," Olivia assured, giving her friend an extra squeeze before adding her own confession to the mix. "I was terrified. I still am. Alex…when I thought it was you…when I thought I'd lost you, for real, for good this time…it made me physically ill. I don't know if I can do this…if I can open myself up to this kind of pain again. You have the power to destroy me…and I don't know if I can live with that knowledge. I think…no, I _know_ I need to…to step back from this…from us. I can't care about you as much as I do…not right now. I'm sorry…I just can't…it's too much." She extricated herself from the embrace, wrenching herself away from Alex's desperate grasp.

"Don't do this, Olivia. Please, don't do this," Alex begged, watching in despair as the attractive woman withdrew from her, not just physically but emotionally also.

"I'll get an officer to take your statements and then you can go home. Take Abbie with you, she shouldn't be alone tonight," the detective instructed dispassionately, turning on her heel and walking away, leaving two shell-shocked attorneys in her wake.

Alex froze for a moment before moving to go after her closest friend, only to be stopped by Abbie's hand on her arm.

"Let her go for now, Alex. Give her some time to wrap her head around everything and talk to her when she's capable of a rational conversation," the attorney advised, rubbing her hand supportively up and down Alex's naked bicep.

"What would you know about it?" Alex spat, directing her own pain in the brunette's direction.

"I know that I'm just a casual friend but believing that woman was you damn near killed me. I know that Olivia has already lost so much recently that she must be terrified of leaving herself vulnerable to that kind of pain again and that this evening must have made her realise how close she is to that with you. Should anything ever truly happen to you like this…like we suspected had happened tonight or like happened to Sam…I don't think it's an overestimate to suggest it would actually kill her. Maybe not outright but slowly, little by little, it would kill her soul until one day her body just couldn't take it anymore," Abbie explained sagely, gathering the younger woman to her once again. "She's going to need some time to come to terms with that fear…and to decide if she's willing to take that risk with you. It won't happen overnight and it's not something that can be forced. You're going to have to be patient with her and let her call the shots with how it is between the two of you, just for the time being until she trusts that she's not going to get hurt like that again, that you're not going to go anywhere any time soon."

Alex sagged against the marginally taller woman, allowing the offered embrace to wrap around her in an attempt to shield her from some of her own pain.

"Alexandra, there's someone you should meet. Marcus Rossenburg, this is my niece, Alexandra Cabot, co-Chair of the Wish-makers Foundation. Alexandra, Marcus Rossenburg, senior partner at Fielding, Marshall and Rossenburg," Helen announced, barging into the room uninvited and dragging a hapless looking corporate lawyer in her wake.

"Not now, Aunt Helen," Alex groaned, shoulders slumping in defeat. "Please, don't do this right now."

"Marcus is a very busy man, he can't wait around for you to get over this ridiculous notion that this _woman_ is a suitable companion for you," Helen bristled, spitting out 'woman' as though it was the filthiest word in her vocabulary.

"Oh for the love of God, give it a rest! I'm gay, Aunt Helen. Do you understand that? I am a lesbian. I sleep with women. I **love** women. I want to spend my **life** with a woman. I have no interest in being arm furniture for some good ol' society boy of your choosing, a trophy wife trapped in a marriage, a relationship, without love. It's not a phase or some temporary insanity you can brush aside. It's my life. _My_ life, no one else's and _I_ will decide who I want to be with. It's who I have always been, deep inside, but been too afraid, too concerned with opinions of people who don't matter, to be true to myself. And because of that, because of my inaction, it may have cost me the one thing I want more than anything in the world. Stay out of my business and, unless you can accept me for who I am, stay out of my life," Alex ground out, never raising her voice but pouring every ounce of ice into her tone that she could muster.

"Must you always be so melodramatic?" Helen sighed dismissively, ushering her latest candidate forward despite Alex's vehement declaration.

Hoping that actions would speak louder than words (and that Abbie would forgive her for using her so) Alex spun around, grappling with the stunned brunette and planting a heated kiss on her lips. She wound her hands into Abbie's free-flowing raven locks, moulding her body sensually along her length. It took mere seconds for the other woman to respond, to join her in the searing exchange.

Marcus cleared his throat reflexively as he adjusted his stance to try and disguise his physical reaction to the erotic visage they were witnessing. Helen clucked a sound of utter disgust beside him which for a moment he suspected was actually at his own expense for having been unable to dissuade the stunning blonde from her proclivities.

"Such vulgarities are beneath a woman of your standing, Alexandra. I insist you cease this despicable display immediately. You're making a spectacle of the entire family," Helen sneered bitterly.

Alex took her time breaking apart from the woman she was so soundly kissing, remaining wrapped around her, forehead resting against the tanned skin of Abbie's own even when she did manage to draw her mouth away from the succulent lips expertly worshipping hers. Looking at no one else, Alex husked as sexily as she could manage, "take me home, lover." So as not to leave their audience of two in any doubt as to what they would be doing once they got 'home', Alex rolled her hips seductively into Abbie's abdomen, causing the Texan's hands to fly to the blonde's tiny waist in an effort not to succumb to the temptation being placed in front of her. Forcing her eyes away from the blonde minx, she glanced over her shoulder, inwardly cringing as she saw Olivia watching from the doorway, her face a mask of undisguised hurt.

"Alex," Abbie hissed, desperately trying to attract the younger woman's attention before any further damage was done. Her hopes were dashed as narrow lips attached themselves to the taut tendon of her neck triggering an automatic fluttering of her eyes as bolts of liquid desire ran through her mutinous body. When she forced her eyes open once more, the detective had vanished from view, taking with her any chance of explaining that their actions weren't as they seemed. "Alex, listen to me, please," Abbie tried again, grinding her teeth together as the woman in question nipped at her pulse point vampishly.

"Please get me out of here before I physically hurt her," Alex moaned directly into her ear, ensuring no one else could hear her words as she maintained her facade of seduction.

"We have to give our statements," the Texan protested weakly, supporting the intention but battling vainly to remain neutral in the face of the tactics Alex was employing.

"We're both officers of the court, I'm sure we can give our statements to Liv at the precinct tomorrow. Please Abbie, take me home," Alex pleaded, leaning back to look deeply into her friend's eyes, willing her to take her away from the woman who seemed intent on inflicting fathomless emotional pain on her.

"I have never, in all my years, witnessed such a shameless display of debauchery. You'll be lucky to have any patrons left after this, Alexandra. The Foundation will be a noose around all our necks once you're actions have driven the respectable benefactors away. The family will be scandalised, cast out and forever tarnished because of your selfishness…" Helen ranted until Abbie's Texan twang cut her off in her prime.

"ENOUGH!" she roared, unable to hold her peace any longer. "Lady, I may have only met you this evening, but from what you have displayed since that moment onwards, I can only conclude you are a stuck up, selfish, self-centred, self-serving cretin of a woman who cannot see what an amazing, generous, humble and noble niece she has. Honestly, you sound like a character from a Jane Austin novel with all this ridiculous garbage about family name and the right kind of acquaintance. I have news for you, we're in the 21st century, times have changed since then. I suggest you move with them or risk losing someone very special from your life as a result of your narrow-minded bigotry. As for word getting around and everyone finding out this supposedly scandalous revelation that Alex is, shock horror, a lesbian, I only see the two of you here to witness her coming out. I highly doubt you yourself will be going around telling all and sundry about it given how shameful you find it and as for Marcus here, well, I suggest he thinks very carefully before repeating a single word he has heard uttered in here given that he has been trying desperately to hide his…excitement…at the spectacle for the better part of the past five minutes," the brunette concluded with a pointed glance at the man's crotch. Turning to Alex, she softened her tone, cupping the distressed face in warm palms. "If, and only if, the police say it's ok for us to make our statements tomorrow, I will gladly get you out of here and take you any place you want to go but before we do, you need to find Olivia and explain to her why she saw you kissing me, ok?"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday March 13<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**23.37**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"I can't believe she wouldn't let us leave until we'd made our statements," Alex grumbled as she threw her purse down onto the table in the hallway. She toed off her shoes, kicking them into the closet and hastily hanging her jacket up. She reached for Abbie's coat, draping that too around a hanger before shutting the door forcefully.

"Technically, she was just following procedure…" Abbie attempted to defend the detective.

"She was being unreasonable and stubborn. If she's going to be like that, maybe it's for the best that she wants some space. Maybe her moving out will be the best thing for both of us. I'm not sure I could live with her attitude for very long before I brained her," Alex griped, although the longer she went on the more it sounded as though she was trying to convince herself rather than her audience.

"She's hurting. I'm not saying that that's any excuse for her shutting down on you and treating you like a stranger but you have to admit, it would have stung you as well if you'd been in her shoes and seen her kissing me like that," Abbie advised gently, following Alex as she strutted through the lounge to the liquor cabinet in the dining room.

The disgruntled blonde grabbed a bottle of tequila, sloshing generous quantities into two shot glasses and handing one off to Abbie without even asking if she wanted it. "She's the one who walked away from me, from us. She is the one who said she couldn't care about me anymore so what right does she have to give a damn who I kiss?" the younger woman lashed out verbally.

"Drinking isn't going to help matters," Abbie cautioned sagely, knowing from experience that the only thing to come from drinking to forget was a sore head and a belly-full of regrets in the morning.

"It's just a night cap. I'm not planning on finishing the bottle. Please, I've had just about as much as I can take of overbearing mother figures today. If you intend on trying to tell me what to do with my life, just leave. I'm too tired to argue with you," Alex stated wearily.

"I'm not looking for a fight and I'm not looking to mother you. If you think that's what I'm doing then I'm sorry but I won't apologise for caring about you, for caring about your welfare. I don't want to leave because I don't believe you should be on your own tonight and if I'm honest, I'll agree with Olivia in that I'd really rather not be alone either. If you'll let me, I'd like to stay here so that when I wake up in a cold sweat thinking that body in the alley belonged to you, I can see you, see for myself that I've no reason to worry about that, see for myself that you're alive and in one piece." Abbie tossed her tequila back in one go, savouring the burn of the high quality liquor as it slid easily down her throat.

With a suitably chagrined expression, Alex nodded her acquiescence. "I'm sorry…for whining and snapping at you…and for kissing you like that. It wasn't fair of me to use you to shock my aunt."

Abbie shrugged one shoulder with feigned nonchalance. "Not like I didn't get anything out of it. Damn girl, you're a great kisser," she drawled, rounding off her statement with a mock swoon. Alex chuckled and slapped the brunette's upper arm playfully.

"You're not so shoddy at it yourself, Carmichael." Her mood sobered as she thought of the consequences of her actions. "Olivia must hate me right now. She must think I'm so shallow and never meant anything I said about caring for her."

"In time, she'll hopefully come to understand, once she hears what Helen said to you, how she'd been with you all evening. I'd like to think, if it was me, I wouldn't hold it against you. I couldn't begrudge you doing whatever you felt was necessary to get your point across to Helen," Abbie replied earnestly.

"She just made me so mad, not listening to me, not taking no for an answer. I didn't think it through and now I've hurt everyone," Alex admitted taking Abbie's empty shot glass and placing it on the drink's cabinet with her own. Stepping closer to the tall Texan, Alex asked quietly, "can you forgive me for what I did? Seriously Abbie, I need to know if you're ok with it or if I have to win back your trust, your friendship too." Tentatively, she reached out, letting her hands rest atop Abbie's narrow hips.

Abbie nibbled on her bottom lip for a moment as she contemplated her answer. "Honestly, I'd have to say that…I'll be ok so long as you and Olivia get past it. I kissed you back. I let my lizard brain override my good sense and in doing so I let everyone down; you, Olivia…myself. I need to apologise to her, to you, just as much as you do for my part in this whole mess. So I'm sorry too and yes, I can forgive you, if you can forgive me? And I really – _really_ – need to learn self control around you so I don't keep on acting like a hormone driven ass." To emphasize her point, Abbie grabbed hold of Alex's hands, pulling them away from her body. At the blonde's look of confusion, Abbie raised one of the captured palms to her chest, allowing Alex to feel the rapidly beating heart encased there. "I'm sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, knowing that I'm finding you almost irresistibly attractive in that dress."

"I'm flattered," Alex admitted with a shy smile, "but perhaps it would be best if I changed out of it into something less…enticing." The chemistry which had sparked earlier in the evening threatened to ignite again.

"I think that's a very wise idea. Mind if I put the kettle on?" Abbie asked, needing to step away before she threw caution to the wind, and two friendships along with it, in a quest to satisfy her growing hunger.

"Not if you make me a drink too," Alex replied cheekily. "I know it's a lot to ask but do you think you could start my zip off for me? I can't quite reach it from the top, my shoulder isn't flexible enough," she explained, referring to the small amount of residual damage from when she was shot. Most times there was nothing she couldn't do but she had learned from many frustrating tussles with dresses which had central back zippers that there was some limit to her range of motion.

Blowing air out through pursed lips, Abbie steeled herself, swallowing down her baser instincts and spinning Alex around. She tugged the zipper down until it rested in a more accessible region on the mostly flawless alabaster skin. As she moved away, she placed one warm hand over Alex's right shoulder in silent acknowledgement of her scar there. "Give me a shout if you need anything else," she murmured softly, almost intimately, allowing herself one brief moment of fantasy that this was her life, that she and Alex were partners and indulged in such affectionate exchanges daily. With a sad sigh and a shake of her head, she padded through into the kitchen out of temptation's way.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday March 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**02.47**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"I wondered if you'd come back tonight," a voice called from the gloom, startling Olivia and causing her to reflexively draw her service weapon, pointing it into the darkness frantically. "Put it down, Detective, unless you plan on facing murder charges for shooting an unarmed US Attorney." Abbie leaned over on the sofa, flicking on a nearby lamp and throwing soft illumination around the area.

"Shouldn't you be cuddled up in bed with your new girlfriend? You don't waste any time before moving right on in there, do you?" the brunette spat, holstering her weapon and unclipping it from her belt. She strode through to the bedroom she was temporarily sleeping in to stow the gun safely in her lock box. The sound of the door closing firmly had her spinning around. "Get out," she hissed vehemently. "Or have you grown bored of Alex already and decided to try your luck with me? Well guess what Abbie, I have no interest in fucking you."

Abbie stood motionless, silent, barring the only exit from the room, allowing her friend to vent her spleen as much as she needed to. She tried to deflect the words and not let them penetrate her mind but it still stung to hear such character assassination being directed at her.

"Got nothing to say for yourself?" Liv asked, clearly not yet done lashing out. "Worn you tongue out on her, have you? Are you planning on giving her name and number to your circle of regular lays? I'm sure they'll all be overjoyed to know there's a new toy in town."

"Are you done?" Abbie asked hotly, temper flaring despite her best intentions. Olivia merely turned away petulantly, determined to ignore the other woman's presence. "Good, because that was the one and only free shot I'm planning on giving you. You're not the only one who cares for Alex. You're not the only one who was petrified tonight that it was her body lying in that alley. You think you know what you saw…" Abbie's rant was cut off by a furious growl.

"What I saw was Alex with her tongue down your throat. What I saw was the pair of you going at it like a couple of horny teenagers who couldn't keep it in their pants," Liv fumed. "You weren't exactly trying to hide it."

"What you saw was Alex's misguided attempt to make an undeniable point to her bigoted shrivelled up prune of an aunt. What you _saw_ was a woman in a desperate amount of pain struggling to cope with the shit being piled on her from every direction. If you'd stopped to listen to her before we left the hotel, if you'd spared just a couple of minutes of your precious time, I'm sure she would have told you herself how her aunt had seen fit to humiliate and belittle her at every opportunity tonight, how disappointed she was that you couldn't be by her side to see the amazing achievements the Foundation has made this year and the flipside to human nature she's been blessed to witness. She came out of the closet, in spectacular style, to her aunt this evening and the woman just brushed it aside as though Alex couldn't possibly know her own mind enough to decide that. Yet again, Helen attempted to manipulate Alex into getting involved with a man deemed suitable for her 'the family'. That was when Alex grabbed me and kissed me, purely to shock her Aunt Helen into believing what she was being told. And yes, I kissed her back and I shouldn't have done, for that I'm sorry – and before you say it, I'd still be sorry even if you hadn't witnessed it. But Olivia, _you_ walked away from her. _You_ rejected everything that you and Alex share because of your fear of being hurt and whilst Alex understands it, that doesn't stop it tearing her heart in two. I know you're hurting but imagine how Alex felt at the hotel tonight when you told her she wasn't worth the pain. That her love for you, the promise of a future, a life, with her wasn't enough. She tried so hard to hide it behind those walls of hers but she cried herself to sleep tonight and I know it sure as hell wasn't me she was crying over."

"So why aren't you in there with her, playing hero of the hour and comforting her? I'm sure she'd welcome your attention," Liv growled, not yet willing to give up her anger born of pure terror at how vulnerable she had allowed her heart to become where the young blonde was concerned.

"Oh for God's sakes, if that's what you really think of her, if you really believe that she could transfer her affections so easily from you to another, then not only do you not know her at all but you don't deserve her either. Whether you're ready to accept it or not, whether or not you are willing to learn to adapt to her presence in your life as something more than your friend, Alex is in love with you. _You_, no one else. Head over heels, completely and wholly in love with you. This constant to-ing and fro-ing you're doing with her emotions is cruel. You get her hopes up, you tell her you share her feelings and want a relationship with her in time only to back off again, to retract your words when it gets a little bit scary or a little too tough. I thought you had balls, Olivia. I didn't think you of all people would let fear rule you. So make your mind up; either front up and handle your worries in an adult fashion allowing Alex to help you through them as an equal and willing partner or tell her it's not going to happen and stick to it. Hold her close or set her free but once you make that decision, for both of your sakes, make it final," Abbie instructed vehemently, the lateness of the hour shortening her already waning patience. Spinning on her heels, she stalked out of the door, grabbing her shoes and jacket from the closet with every intention of leaving.

"Where are you going?" a quiet voice called in confusion.

"My being here isn't helping anyone. I'm going back to my motel," Abbie replied, not looking back as she fought to slip on her pumps without falling over.

"Please, don't go," Alex requested, chest rising and falling rapidly.

"Olivia's here, you won't be alone," Abbie insisted tightly.

"Yes, I will," Alex stated with gut-wrenching finality. She turned around, locking eyes with the brunette detective who was watching the exchange silently from her bedroom doorway. Without a word, Olivia closed the door, blocking out the world and effectively pushing the attorney away. Alex's head bowed, her shoulders drooping slightly before stiffening. Abbie watched intrigued as the young woman pulled herself up to her full height.

"Alex?" she queried gently.

Icy blue eyes swivelled around to meet inquisitive brown ones. The lack of spark, of life, in them made Abbie's blood run cold. "Goodnight, Abbie," Alexandra Cabot, cool, calm, collected and unapproachable announced. Alex, it seemed, had retreated behind her defences in an effort to shield herself from any further pain.

"'Night Alex," Abbie murmured regretfully as the bedroom door was closed firmly behind the lithe blonde's retreating form.

* * *

><p><strong><em>I think I might just need to re-apply the list of banned items to be thrown here again! The muse gives with one hand...and snatches away again with the other! ;) While there's breath in their bodies though, there's hope, right?<em>**


	59. Chapter 59

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_***peers out from behind the barricade* Is it safe? ;) Wow, you're all invested in this, aren't you? And there was me, thinking I was the only one 'living' with these characters. Judging by some of the reactions to the last chapter, I've revised that opinion! I have loved reading all your comments and reviews here and on Twitter (even those that threatened me with bodily harm!). It fascinates me how the same writing can create such divided opinions of a character like Abbie!**_

_**So I'll not keep you any longer except to say thank you, for your continued reading, reviews, comments and investment. I'm beyond amazed and touched that you're all willing to take this journey with me. Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday March 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**09.16**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex groaned as a patch of pale, early spring sunshine snuck through a gap in her drapes, falling directly into her reluctantly opening eyes. With a quiet murmur of protest, she hauled herself in a sitting position, the covers falling off the top half of her body and pooling around her waist. She raised one clenched fist, using it to rub the remains of sleep from her eye as she grudgingly accepted it was in fact morning. Sleep had not been her friend the previous night. After Olivia had returned and exchanged words with Abbie, the blonde had struggled to quieten her mind sufficiently to rest. Between wondering if the older woman would come round from her dark mood any time soon and feeling guilty for evicting Abbie during the early hours, she hadn't been able to find any kind of peace. As she sat there, trying to gain her bearings and find some will to face the day, Alex realised that the apartment was silent. Almost eerily so. Too quiet for anyone else to be home given that Olivia only slept past 8am when she was ill or had been working long hours. Resigned to having to wait to talk to the detective, Alex dragged herself from the warm bed, snagging her robe from the back of the closet door and wrestling her body into it. She cracked the door to her bedroom open and slipped out, padding along the hallway on bare feet, heading for the kitchen to brew some much needed coffee. It struck her as odd that the brunette hadn't already set the machine going, it having become somewhat of a routine that whoever rose first – usually Liv – would start the first pot of the day. With a sigh of disappointment, Alex acknowledged that times had changed and not for the better. Instead of growing steadily closer, there appeared to be a cavernous gorge separating them from one another, one she only hoped she could breach if the stubborn brunette would just give her a chance to talk to her. An envelope caught her attention as she entered the kitchen, lying on the breakfast bar with her name scrawled across the front of it in Olivia's unmistakable angular script. All thoughts of coffee forgotten, Alex hurried forward, snatching the packet up and tearing it open. A pile of money fluttered from it, floating to the work surface and staying there, staring back at Alex almost accusingly.

"_This should cover some of what I owe you for letting me stay. I'll send the rest when I have it._"

The note was brief, unsigned, no salutation to ease the insulting harshness of the words.

"What the…?" Alex raged, confusion mixing with annoyance. She stormed out of the kitchen, intending to throw on some clothes, find the older woman and get to the bottom of what was going on but was distracted by the door to her guest room lying open, revealing a sterile, unoccupied space. All trace of Liv's presence had been removed, replaced by a crushing emptiness. Alex felt the last pieces of her heart shatter before they hardened into a cold, solid stone sitting heavily in her chest. The Ice Queen had been re-born and this time, there would be no thawing, no opening herself up to believe she had been accepted for who she was only to be tossed aside.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday March 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**09.32**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"There's no way his choosing that victim was coincidental. The shortening of his usual timeframe, the fact that he went to all that trouble to make it so we couldn't identify her immediately, this was an attack designed to taunt us. This one wasn't as well thought through as the others, it can't have been. It was more opportunistic – he saw a way to get us twisting and he went with it but that meant everything had to be pushed up. Maybe, in all that, we'll get lucky and he'll have left us some usable evidence that we can nail him with," Olivia suggested hopefully, with absolute certainty the killer's actions had been premeditated.

"It's a stretch but not entirely beyond the realms of belief. How would he have known Alex would be there though? It's not like it was common knowledge and far as Alex tells it, it was a last minute stand-in arrangement for the guy who was meant to be speaking," Fin argued reasonably, not wanting to waste time on a wild goose chase and give their perp more of a jump on them than he already had.

"So we need to speak to this guy, this James Rutherford, and find out if he was telling the truth about why he had to call off his plans to give the address at the Foundation benefit. We can do that while we wait for Melinda to be done with the autopsy. What reason did he give for not being able to be there?" Liv persisted, hopped up on too much caffeine and no sleep to be willing to cool her heels while she persuaded others her hunch was accurate.

"Helen Harriman said that he telephoned her on Monday afternoon last week to say he was sick, didn't give details but then the uni's that took her statement didn't ask for anything else given we have no reason to believe he's a person of interest. The circles these people move in, I'd say it's highly unlikely he and Markson ever crossed paths." Fin returned to browsing through statements from those who had been at the hotel when the attack took place, looking for any suggestion that someone had seen the perp, even if they didn't realise it.

"There are scumbags of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds, Fin. Just because a guy has money and wears Armani doesn't mean he can't have questionable acquaintances," Benson raged, refusing to accept any notion she might be wrong.

"Liv, no one's saying he's not worth speaking to but it's not something that is at the top of the priority list right now. There are literally hundreds of statements to go through from guests and staff who were at the hotel last night when Jane Doe was attacked. By the time we've looked through all those, Warner should have something for us from the autopsy. _If_ nothing comes from all that, then we can look into why Alex was there in Rutherford's place. It might just turn out to be coincidence that she bore a passing resemblance to Alex in hair colour and build. From Warner's initial exam, it appears she is also typical of what we were expecting from his next victim. Might just be that he's feeling us closing in on him and he wants to finish whatever weird-ass crusade he's on before we stop him and throw his ass in jail. It would really help if you simmer down and grab a pile of reports to go through," Fin griped having been at the precinct since six o'clock that morning making a head start on reading statements and noting down any unidentified persons who had been spotted in or around the alley way close to the estimated time of the attack.

"You know what, fine, forget it, I'll go ask him myself," Liv stormed, grabbing her leather jacket and heading for the exit before anyone could stop her. She needed to get out of there. As much as she willed her mind to be consumed by the case, a small part of her was constantly on edge, wondering if Alex had woken yet and discovered the cash she had left for her, along with the spare key she had given to the detective shortly after she had left the hospital. She couldn't be anywhere the attorney could find her when that discovery had been made, fearing the younger woman would hunt her down and confront her for her cowardly actions. As soon as she'd pulled the door shut behind her when she snuck out of the apartment, she had regretted it but there was no way to undo what she had done. Abbie's words rang in her head, those thrown at her in the heat of their exchange the previous night about making sure that whatever decision she made was final and not to keep playing with Alex's emotions. Her choice had been to walk away, to run, just as she always did but this time rather than liberating her, she felt its weight around her neck dragging her down and making her wish more than anything she hadn't listened to that tiny voice of doubt. She knew that seeing Alex, seeing the hurt, the disappointment…the hate in her eyes so soon would only serve to further open the wound she had inflicted upon herself. She couldn't face that. Not yet…maybe not ever. Maybe it was time for a change, a move away from SVU. Maybe that's what all the signs were trying to tell her. Maybe her continued presence in all their lives was only serving to cause pain and expose those she cared about to grave threats against their lives. First Sam had perished and now…now Alex seemed to be being used in an effort to goad her. What if taunting her wasn't enough? What if merely threatening Alex became too tame for Markson? What if he actually went through with hurting her because of Olivia's presence in her life? The mere thought of repeating what she had been through with Sam tore at her soul, squeezing the breath from her lungs and gripping her heart in an iron fist.

"Liv! Liv, wait up." Elliot's voice rang in her ears as she pounded the call button for the lift, finally giving up on the archaic piece of crap and bolting for the stairs, desperate to get outside into the open air in the hopes that breathing would become easier. Heavy footsteps chased her, gaining on her she could tell. "Liv, would you stop before one of us falls and breaks our necks?"

Olivia slowed slightly as she did almost lose her footing rounding the corner of another flight. The falter allowed her usual partner to catch up to her, grappling with her and pinning her to the wall so she couldn't continue to flee. "Let me go," she panted, breathless both from her sprint and from the growing terror gripping her.

"Liv, look at me," Elliot ordered firmly, watching the brunette's wide eyes darting everywhere as they assessed her situation and possible routes of escape. "Liv, it's just me, look at me, please," the swarthy detective tried again more softly but still holding her securely.

"I've gotta find him. I've gotta find him before he hurts her," the distraught woman muttered, over and over.

"What's going on, Olivia? Who do you think he's going to hurt?" Elliot queried, growing concerned for his partner's mental health.

"Alex. He knows… He knows I care for her. He'll kill her, he'll use her to hurt me. I can't… I can't…" Liv gasped harshly, fighting for every breath in the midst of her panic, everything crowding in on her and threatening to smother her.

Gripping her chin firmly in his palm, Elliot barked, "Benson, you look at me right now and you follow my orders, got it?" His hard tone drew her attention and he used it to his advantage. "Breathe with me, slowly in to the count of ten. One…two…three…that's it, keep going…six…seven…suck it up, officer…nine…ten. Hold it. Don't you dare let it out," Elliot instructed steadily. "Ok now you can breathe out. Keep it slow, take your time. That's it." When he was sure her lungs were emptied, he directed her to repeat the process, coaching her through a few more times before he watched her growing calmer, more aware of her surroundings. He released her, stepping back so as not to crowd her, giving her a moment to gather herself. "Want to talk about what that was about?" he asked, face an impenetrable mask of ambivalence.

Olivia squirmed uncomfortably as she realised her partner had just witnessed her panic attack.

"Liv, I don't care that it happened, ok? I'm not about to think you're weak so you can cut through the macho bullshit and talk to me. This isn't you. Nothing fazes you this much normally so what's eating at you this time?" Elliot spoke rapidly, willing the stubborn woman to believe him.

"I… So many things right now… I told Alex last night that I can't risk my heart to be with her. The thought that I'd lost her, when I thought that woman in the alley was her…it hurt every bit as much as it did the moment I woke up in hospital and realised that Sam really had died. I can't go through that again…I don't have the strength in me to do that again. So I told her I couldn't care for her that way and this morning, without talking to her, without telling her or saying goodbye, I packed up my stuff and left. I left her with just some money in an envelope and the key she'd given me, no explanation at all. I ran…I ran out on her, on anything we might have shared and I can't go back, I can't take it back and change what I've done. Abbie called me on my shit last night, told me to stop toying with Alex's feelings for me and she's right. Alex has been nothing but patient, letting me pull her close only to push her away and she's always there, standing with me even though I don't deserve her. I can't keep doing it to her, I can't keep hurting her and it is…this whole thing is hurting her and she's just taking it. Damnit El, why does she just keep taking it?" Elliot merely looked at her dumbfounded. His lack of articulation led the athletic brunette to continue her rambling vent. "Markson knew Alex would be there at the hotel last night. I don't know how but I intend to find out. But he used that knowledge to get to me. He's gunning for me after we had him in for questioning. I was supposed to put myself in his sights, not lead him to Alex. She shouldn't have been involved but she is…because of me, because of her importance to me. How can I justify being in her life, in anyone's life, if all I'm going to do is make them targets for crazy people intent on causing pain and suffering?"

Elliot tried valiantly to keep up with what Olivia was telling him, what he thought she was asking him to explain. "What so you're going to go live in a cave and be some hermit now or something? You're going to live under a rock just in case someone you happen to have feelings for gets caught up in a case we're working? Alex is a grown woman, perfectly capable of keeping herself out of trouble…or getting herself into it." He paused, considering his partner's distressed state. "This isn't one-sided is it, this thing between you and her? I thought it was just her having convinced you that she was what you needed but you really do still have feelings for her, don't you?"

"I…I think…" Liv closed her eyes, struggling to maintain her composure. "I love her…but it's not enough. I can't protect her, I can't keep her safe and give her the life she deserves, the life she needs. I love her…but I've got to find a way of letting her go, letting her be free to find someone who _can_ give her everything she should have."

"Bullshit!" Elliot's response caused brown eyes to snap wide open, peering at him with undisguised hurt. "Don't stand there and try to convince me that you're walking away from her out of some noble intent. You're walking away from her because you're too chicken shit to put your heart on the line again for a woman who just might be the only other one who can put up with your crap. I understand why that might be but don't lie to yourself about why it is you're running out on her. You want to know why I think she keeps taking it every time you mess her around? I'm beginning to suspect that it's because she might genuinely have strong feelings for you. For the life of me right now I can't think why she would but she sounds very much like Kathy is with me." Elliot groaned as he considered the implications of the brunette's actions. "Aw Liv, why'd you have to choose this one time to listen to me when I'm spouting complete trash?"

"I thought you'd back my play. You never seemed too keen on the attention Alex gave me, now you won't have to put up with it any more since she's likely going to hate me," Liv muttered miserably, slumping back against the wall.

"You need to find a way to fix it, even if it's just to rescue your friendship with her for the time being until you work out whether you want more from her. She's the best ADA the unit's ever had, Liv. We can't afford to lose her because of personal difficulties driving her from the job," Elliot pointed out gingerly.

"You think she'll leave because of this? Because of me?" Olivia asked, panic flashing through her eyes once again at the thought of Alex not physically being around.

"Honestly? I don't know. You know her better than I do, I'd listen to what your gut's saying on that score. Personally, if it were me, I'm not sure I could handle being around someone I was in love who refused to act on feelings they admitted to having. You've listened to me before and I've let my petty jealousy lead you in completely the wrong direction. Let me at least try to fix this. Let me talk to Alex for you," Elliot offered, knowing he was volunteering to enter the lion's den, willing to submit himself to the mercies of their wounded ADA on his partner's behalf.

"It won't make a difference. She won't want to know…and I won't blame her. Thanks…for offering…and for…well, this, listening, not fobbing me off with false platitudes you think I want to hear. I'm going to…go, take a walk, speak to this James Rutherford and just get this nagging doubt out of my mind before it drives me crazy." At Elliot's sly sideways glance, she amended her statement. "OK, crazier than I already am." The pair shared a wry half smile before Liv trudged off down the stairs, intent on satisfying her curiosity.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday March 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**10.43**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex leant against her now sparkling kitchen counter as she snatched her cell phone up from where it lay, peering at the screen to see who was calling before deciding whether to answer it or not.

"Cabot," she intoned imperiously as the call connected, knowing her caller would simply continue to ring until she answered.

"_Morning Alex_," Abbie greeted, tone subdued and a little wary. "_I wanted to see how you were today, how things are with you and Olivia_." The Texan had worried the entire way back to her motel and the proceeded to toss and turn for the remainder of the night, worrying about whether she had done the right thing or not in leaving the two independently stubborn women to thrash things out between themselves.

"I wouldn't know. By the time I woke up this morning, she'd packed her stuff and gone," Alex responded coolly, not allowing herself to become emotionally involved with the conversation. She had spent her morning since discovering the detective had fled cleaning every inch of the apartment. Bookshelves which hadn't been dusted in months were emptied, washed down and the books restacked with the type of precision any librarian would have been proud of. Floors had been brushed and mopped, work surfaces wiped and polished. She was in the midst of emptying out the entire contents of her kitchen cabinets so that she could ditch any out of date packets and cans.

"_What do you mean she'd packed and gone?_" Abbie growled threateningly, almost overcome with an urge to find the swarthy skinned detective and physically beat some sense into her.

"How much more clearly would you like me to spell it out for you, Abigail? Olivia has moved out. Left an envelope on the kitchen counter with her key and some money in it and went without saying a word." Alex's tone remained chillingly dispassionate. Abbie could see in her mind's eye the expression the blonde had worn as she had bid her goodnight almost exactly eight hours previously; the hardness in her eyes, the mask of feigned indifference locking the pain deep inside her.

"_I'm sorry. I really am. Are you… I mean, stupid question but are you ok? Do you want me to come over and keep you company?_" Abbie asked, genuinely worried about her friend and wanting to do what was best for her.

"That won't be necessary," Alex stated, not feeling any compunction to elaborate just to appease the other woman's concerns.

"_Oh…OK…well, if you're sure… You will call me, if you change your mind, won't you?_" Abbie requested, a little dumbfounded by the outright rejection.

"I'll see you at work whenever our paths next cross," Alex informed her, making it abundantly clear that she would, in fact, not be reaching out to the Texan on any level beyond the professional.

Abbie sighed, accepting that the ADA must hold her at least partly responsible for the breakdown in her relationship with Olivia, having convinced herself of her own guilt during the long, lonely hours of the night when sleep eluded her. "_Take care of yourself, Alex, please and you know where I am if you change your mind. I've got two broad shoulders that you're welcome to any time you need them._"

Alex hung up without any further discourse, tossing her cell carelessly back onto the side, not caring as it skittered across the highly polished surface and onto the floor. She left the infernal device there, refocusing her attention on the strewn packets and tins littering the narrow workbench along the back wall of the kitchen. Ruthlessly, she swept the majority into a refuse sack, disregarding whether they were still viable or not. She wanted no reminders of the brief time she had shared her home with a woman she had considered to be a close friend, possibly more, and since she herself was no kind of a cook, she saw no point in having such well-stocked cupboards.

A knock at her front door drew a frustrated growl from her. Stalking towards it with murderous expression, she peered through the peephole to see who dared disturb her. The identity of her visitor surprised her and did little to improve her mood as her mind raced to all kinds of conclusions. She considered pretending she wasn't home but relented, opening the door just wide enough for her thin frame to fill the gap, barring entrance to her domain.

"Detective Stabler," she announced, eying the obviously uncomfortable man hovering in the hallway outside of her residence. "How did you get up here without the doorman alerting me first?" she questioned, pinning him with her trademark stare which had seen many a felon wither on the stand in a court room.

"I'm…uh…on your list of approved visitors," Elliot replied, nervously. The woman before him was not the Alex he had seen growing closer and closer to his partner over the previous weeks. This was the woman who had swept into their squad and earned herself the nickname 'Ice Queen' many years previously.

The lithe blonde made a mental note to remove him and his partner from that list, not wishing to be on the receiving end of any future surprise visits from either of them. "I see," she stated, offering no further pleasantries or hospitality of any kind, clearly intending to keep him standing on her doorstep rather than inviting him inside.

"Could I talk to you? About Olivia?" he requested, softening his tone as he mentioned the brunette's name.

"What about her?" Still Alex gave no ground, even as she felt a tiny tremor of anxiety chase down her spine at the very real possibility the detective had come to some harm, either by her own hand or by someone else's. She tamped down the concern, refusing to let it manifest. The older woman had forfeited her right to have Alex care about her welfare when she ran away.

Elliot sighed, resigning himself to at least beginning what would inevitably prove to be a difficult conversation in the corridor. "She told me what she did…this morning. She told me how she walked out of here without a word to you. I'm not here to condone what she did or excuse it in any way and I have told her she's an idiot. But I think you need to know that she regrets it, regretted it as soon as she closed the door behind her." He paused just long enough to summon up the courage to make his next admission. "And I think you should know that I am at least partly responsible for the way she reacted." The sharpening of Alex's gaze resulted in a convulsive, nervous swallowing reflex kicking in for the seasoned detective, having seen that same look given to any number of perp and their defence counsel over the years. It wasn't something he had ever hankered after being on the receiving end of and now that he was, he realised that it was even more intimidating than he had ever imagined.

"If Detective Benson believes that it is acceptable to claim that another person's point of view can affect her behaviour to such a reprehensible degree, perhaps she might care to examine what that says about her character. I have no interest in listening to feeble attempts to explain her decision. She made it, she opted not to discuss it with me like a rational, reasonable adult, now we all must live with the consequences of that." Turning away from the door but leaving it ajar, Alex swept back into the apartment to collect the envelope Olivia had left upon her departure. She trusted that Elliot would know not to attempt to enter the apartment and she wasn't disappointed to see him still standing where she had left him moments before. Having already removed the key, she thrust the envelope at him. "You can give that back to her when you next see her. I'm not interested in her money. If that's all, I will see you at work."

Knowing he had been summarily dismissed, Elliot still tried one last time to plead his partner's case. "She's not herself right now, Alex. She's lost and confused and absolutely petrified. This whole thing, it's brought back a lot of her old insecurities about her presence in people's lives leading to pain, to violence. On top of that, she's had to deal with me and the crap I've put her through while I got my head around her not having told me about her relationship with Sam." Seeing that he was losing his audience, the ex-Marine hurriedly requested, "all I'm asking is that you don't write her off completely. Give her a chance to show you what you mean to her, show you that she cares for you and wants to see what this thing between you could be."

"No relationship, of any kind, has any basis without trust and I don't…I can't trust Olivia," Alex replied firmly, remaining impassive despite the heartfelt appeal.

"Trust can be re-gained…if both parties are open to trying to salvage that relationship. Kathy had no reason to take me back but she did and though it took time, I do believe I've re-earned her trust through my actions since we reunited. Maybe Liv, in time, can prove to you that you too can trust her again as well." Sensing that any further conversation would weaken his position rather than strengthen it and satisfied that he had at least given the ADA something to think about, he turned to leave. "I'll see you around, Alex. You have my number if ever you need anything."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday March 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**13.27**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

Olivia slunk back into the bullpen, hoping her arrival would fly under the radar. Those hopes were soon shattered.

"Turn around and keep walking, Warner's got something for us from the autopsy," Fin called, hurrying towards her and gripping her elbow, steering her out of the room. "You're going to want to keep out of Dad's way for a while," he informed her too quietly for anyone else to overhear.

"I'm sorry…" she began.

"Save it but you owe me a hotdog for covering for your ass," the committed detective stated firmly. "You can tell me what you found or didn't on the way to the morgue."

"Nothing. As you fully expected me to. James Rutherford was home, in bed with a flare up of his ME last night. That's why he knew on Monday he wouldn't be able to make it, it's not something that goes overnight and usually takes him a couple of weeks to get over. His wife can confirm he was genuinely sick but no one could fake that, he looked awful. So if it's any consolation, I feel like a prize jerk." Olivia spoke rapidly as they rode down in the elevator. "I'll get on to those statements when we get back, give you a hand going through them."

"Cap'n split them between Munch and Stabler. By the sounds of Warner's cryptic message, we're going to have more significant leads to chase down. Seems you were right about the attacker being less methodically prepared this time. He left something behind." Fin barrelled out of the doors ahead of his temporary partner, focused entirely on his mission, figuring to deal with the lack of respect she had shown him at a more opportune moment.

Olivia's steps faltered momentarily as her mind caught on to the realisation they might finally have something with which to nail Markson. "When did the call from Warner come in?" she cringed, wondering how much of a delay her absence had cost them.

"Fortunately for you, only about ten minutes ago but Cragen wasn't too impressed when you didn't pick up your cell. I told him I'd sent you to speak to Rutherford so we could cross the possibility of Alex being lured to the New Yorker out as a serious avenue of inquiry. When he asked why I hadn't gone with you, I told him it had been a mutual decision to split up, that you'd suggested you could handle interviewing Rutherford alone so I could concentrate on wading through the guests' statements. I don't think he entirely bought it, especially after Carmichael came looking for you looking fit to spit. Whatever's going on with you – and I don't need to hear it – get it sorted, get your head on straight and let's focus on nailing this sonofabitch before he ruins any more lives." Fin fixed his colleague with a pointed stare, making it clear that, as far as he was concerned, that should be the end of the conversation. He returned Liv's tight nod of acceptance, grateful to see her professional persona reasserting itself.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday March 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**13.33**_

_**Liz Donnelly's townhouse, East 85**__**th**__** Street**_

Alex made her way to the front door she hadn't visited in a long time – too long for her to be able to pass this off as a casual visit. She still wasn't entirely sure why she'd come but her feet had carried her here after she'd let go of some of her anger and frustration in the gym. Once she'd finished blitzing her apartment earlier, she had still been too restless to settle, still had too much pent up energy to allow herself to stop and sit down so she had thrown her workout gear into a holdall and headed out to her regular gym. A fearsome workout later, bodily she was more at ease but her mind was still keyed up. No matter how much she had pushed herself on the spin bike or the rowing machine, the elliptical trainer or the treadmill, her brain kept on replaying Olivia's rejection of her, the slicing pain of finding her gone, how affronted she had felt when discovering the money as though her hospitality had been cheapened by that very act and with each remembrance came a renewed sense of betrayal. She was furious although the lengthy session had brought with it the realisation that she was every bit as mad at herself as she was at the attractive brunette. Eventually, one of the trainers at the gym had suggested to her that perhaps she ought to call it a day, almost undoubtedly because they didn't want an insurance claim against them for her collapsing on their premises such was the punishing regime she had put her body through. After a quick shower and a change of clothes, she had walked the few blocks to her Godmother's townhouse which is where she now found herself, standing on the doorstep, looking up and willing herself to raise a hand to announce her presence. With a weary sigh, she did just that, pressing the doorbell briefly and then holding her breath in anticipation.

"Alex?" the older blonde queried as she opened the door and saw who was calling on her.

"Hi," the attorney greeted feebly, dropping her gaze under the assessing stare of a woman who had been so much like a second mother to her over her formative years.

"Come in and sit before you fall down," Liz instructed, standing aside to grant the young woman entrance to her home. "I'm surmising from your attire that this isn't a professional visit?"

"No…" Alex replied, faltering as she groped around in her brain for how to explain why she was there.

"Let me make us some tea before you launch into what I can already tell is going to be a long and involved reasoning of why you find yourself here today." Liz swept out of the room before Alex could object, leaving her to sit in the lounge which had barely changed since she was last there. Rising from her seat, wincing a little as overused muscles objected, she crossed to a new photo of Liz's son, Jeremy. Alex and Jeremy had been close as children, playing together often and looking out for one another. They had drifted apart as they grew older, each finding their own natural path in life but still she had a fondness for the fop-haired young man. She smiled softly as she recalled him defending her honour one time when a mean-spirited local boy had attempted to pull her skirt down. With reflexes that defied his lumbering size, Jeremy had positioned himself between Alex and the bully, pushing him onto his butt with a resounding shove and warning him to think twice before trying anything like that with her again. The warning had worked. Neither that kid nor his friends ever bothered Alex again, knowing that in Jeremy she had a fierce protector.

"That was taken a couple of months ago in Ethopia. He's there helping to build wells and irrigation systems in remote villages, training up local people to continue building and maintaining an infrastructure that will help them to flourish and provide better lives for themselves and their families," Liz supplied proudly as she came back into the room and saw what held Alex's attention. "He asks after you when I speak to him."

"He's a remarkable man, Liz, a credit to you and Richard," Alex replied genuinely, replacing the framed picture carefully.

"He's his own man. Whatever he chose to do with his life, I'd have supported him and I'm sure Richard is looking over him," the judge admitted, casting a momentary gaze over to a photo of her late husband. "But I'm certain you didn't come here to talk about my son, no matter how much you like to sing his praises." She smiled to soften her words. "Come and sit with me, drink some tea and tell me what's on your mind."

The pair sat side by side for long moments, one lost deep in thought, the other observing with growing concern. Eventually, Alex drew in a long breath, preparing herself for what she was about to say. "I've been doing a lot of thinking, about my life, about what I want from it, about what I'm doing. I came to the conclusion at the gym that I should consider taking a leave of absence from work, that I should use my time to volunteer somewhere. I was thinking about the projects the Foundation supports and initially intended to put more into some of them but," Alex's eyes flickered back over to the picture of Jeremy, "maybe getting further away, going somewhere completely different might be more suitable."

"Why?" Liz asked simply before expanding. "It's not that I don't find it a noble intention for you to want to give up a comfortable job in favour of helping those less fortunate than yourself but I am intrigued as to what has triggered this sudden attack of conscience?"

"I've always been willing to do my part for the charities I support, in more than just a financial way. This is just…an extension of that," Alex protested.

"Ok, let me rephrase it then. Why now? What has happened to create this burning desire in you to walk away from your work, your friends? What about Olivia? Are you sure she's strong enough to lose you from her life right now?" Liz watched with fascination as Alex the woman was replaced by Alexandra. It was a transition she had seen before; after Robert called off the engagement, after other failed relationships or friendships had broken down, after her return to the ADA's office had seen her stuck in Appeals initially until the SVU post had become available once more. It appeared to be a defence mechanism the younger woman employed whenever she felt like she had let herself down by misjudging people or situations.

"Olivia moved out this morning. She has a new apartment to move into and has made it abundantly clear that she has no further need for me in her life." Alex's tone was coolly clinical and detached.

"So you're running away?" Liz suggested, baiting her God-daughter.

"I'm reassessing my priorities," the ADA protested, defending her plan to take some time away from New York, the Special Victims' Unit and a certain brunette detective.

"Bull. You're running away," Liz reiterated more firmly. "Your pride is wounded so rather than sucking it up and finding a way to work through it, you're scuttling out of town." The surrogate mother figure in Alex's life paused, debating whether to ask her next question before pressing on and hoping it didn't backfire. "Do you love her?"

"That's irrelevant," Alex snapped in response, crashing her cup back to the table with a resounding slam.

"I'll take that as a yes. If you love her, why are you letting her drive you away?" Alex's chest heaved in her fury, her eyes hardened to a cold, steely glint but she remained silent, remained seated, not yet bolting from the conversation. "There's more to this. Why did Olivia moving out upset you if you knew she had an apartment to move into?"

"The apartment won't be ready for another few weeks. Olivia ran out on me this morning without a word, just left her key and a few dollars in an envelope on the kitchen bench."

"She ran out on you…so you're planning on doing the same to her? To the unit? Had you two had words about something? Come on Alex, give me something to work with here. I can't help you figure out how to get beyond whatever it is if you won't talk to me about it. And since you're here, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest that you do want my help, at least on a subconscious level," Liz pressed, allowing a small trace of her exasperation to show.

"The unit are investigating a string of rapes which are growing increasingly violent – the last two victims have died as a result of their injuries. There was another attack last night, behind the hotel where the Wish-makers Foundation fundraiser was being held. The victim…she was badly beaten but there were enough similarities between her and myself for Olivia and Abbie Carmichael to worry for my wellbeing. I had needed some space after a run in with Aunt Helen and when I stepped out to the bar, someone had approached me to discuss some work for the Foundation. We'd gone to another lounge to talk so Olivia and Abbie couldn't find me, couldn't contact me – my cell was on silent. By the time I knew what was happening, Olivia was at the hotel and had thought I'd died…until she examined the body and saw there was no scar on her shoulder." Alex paused, absently rubbing a hand across the area on her own shoulder where she had been shot.

"That must have been…distressing, for all of you," Liz murmured understandingly, placing her own cup quietly on the coffee table in front of her plush sofa.

"Olivia…we'd…been working towards the beginnings of a relationship. I know it's too soon after she lost Sam for anything to come of it yet and perhaps it was a mistake to even admit we had feelings of any kind to one another but we did and it wasn't without its hiccups but we were talking, working through things, building…something. Last night, when she discovered that I was safe, that it wasn't me on my way to the morgue, instead of being relieved, she chose to walk away from whatever we had, whatever we might have had. She announced, in front of Abbie, that she wasn't prepared to risk being hurt again, that I wasn't enough. She pulled away and even when she did come home…come back to the apartment in the early hours of the morning, she shut me out, physically and emotionally. By the time I woke up this morning, she had cleared everything she owns out of the apartment and was gone." Alex's voice cracked, the dam on her emotions finally being breached as she laid out the reasoning behind her wanting to disappear.

"Did she give you a reason for wanting to pull away?" Liz asked gently, resisting the urge to reach out to her young protégé, at least until she had unburdened herself entirely.

"She said she couldn't handle losing me, that it's too much, what she feels is too much," Alex whimpered, still valiantly battling to remain stoic as she furiously dashed away the lone tear tracking over her cheek.

"And you think that taking a leave of absence, effectively running away from her and forcing her to lose you from her life, will help that in any way? I'd bet this house that her actions, her words last night were coming purely from a place of sheer terror. Put yourself in her shoes, Alex. Think back to when you first went in to the Programme – would you have opened yourself up to that kind of pain again if you'd met someone you cared about those first few months? Would you have been willing to risk having your heart broken again?" The older woman's tone was kind, soothing, as she finally gathered her God-daughter into her arms. "Alex, if you leave her now, you'll just be proving to her that she was right not to trust that what you feel for one another is strong enough. You'll reinforce her fears of being left alone and destroy any hopes either of you have for any kind of future relationship, friendship included. I'm not advocating you forgive and forget immediately – Olivia should make amends for the cowardly way in which she chose to act – but you should give her the opportunity to earn your forgiveness, to regain your trust and respect. If you love her, you need to stay and work through this with her."

Alex settled into the warm embrace being offered, soaking in the maternal care being shown to her, a facet which had been absent from her life for more years than she could remember, her own mother never having been overly tactile or affectionate. Liz, over the years, had guided her on numerous occasions, taking her responsibilities as God-mother very seriously. "Why does it hurt so much to care about someone?" the attorney asked sullenly as she nestled into Liz's arms.

"It only hurts this much because of how strongly you feel for Olivia. If you only found her attractive in passing or had superficial feelings for her, you'd brush off her rejection and move on. It won't feel like it right now but the fact that you're this upset, this devastated about the prospect of not being with her, it's a good thing. It means you deeply care about her presence in your life and want to preserve that…even if your initial instinct was to run and hide from her. Once you get past this - and make no mistake, you will get past it if you're both willing to try – you'll both be in no doubt about how much you want to be together and that Alexandra, is the mark of something truly amazing. You know Olivia better than probably anyone, except her late lover. Trust in the woman you have come to know over the years that you've been friends, not in the actions of a grief-stricken shadow of that person." Liz squeezed the young woman whose weight was resting against her. "Now, tell me what that harridan of an aunt has been saying to upset you this time. She may be his sister, but why your father insisted on maintaining contact with her is beyond me. He never had any time for her, or her outspoken views and heaven knows she has an opinion on _everything_."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday March 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**13.47**_

_**Office of Chief Medical Examiner, Manhattan**_

"There was blood and tissue beneath Jane Doe's fingernails. I've sent samples to the lab for testing but I don't think it's too much of a stretch to suggest that her attacker will have some scratches on him. Whoever she is, I think she may just have handed your killer's identity. Whether he's in the system already or whether you compel a DNA sample from a suspect, it seems like you do at least have something to compare it against now. Beyond that though, he left something else behind. He used his feet, at least for part of the attack. There are shoe prints from where he stomped on her, with clear outlines of the treads. Lab are running them now to see if they can match them to a brand or specific design. It does mean I can tell you your killer's shoe size," Melinda advised, handing Olivia a folder of information. "Your guy has size eight and a half feet."

"If someone had realised she was alive as soon as she was found, would it have made a difference to her chances of survival?" Fin asked, as Liv glanced over the contents of the folder.

"I doubt it. She was bleeding from her ears and there was cerebral fluid mixed in with that. I can't determine which of her injuries was the one which finally killed her but there was significant damage to her brain. She had a total of seven severe fractures to her ribs one of which had punctured her right lung. Bilateral fractures to the supraorbital process, the supraorbital foramen and the zygomatic bones of her face. Her nasal bone was crushed and her mandible had three separate fractures. No defensive wounds to her hands or arms beyond a broken nail on her left forefinger, suggesting she was bound prior to the beating. Injuries to her lower half, as you can see from the report there, are consistent with what was found in the other victims. She did suffer trauma to her abdomen also, resulting in a tear to her spleen which led to profuse internal bleeding. The tattoo was carved perimortem – there was some reaction from the surrounding tissue but nothing excessive." Melinda looked between the two detectives, her face grave. "Catch this man, before another of his victims crosses my table, please? The violence of this attack, I don't want to see any more of his handiwork."

"You've given us every chance of that, Doc. We'll do our best," Fin assured the coffee-skinned ME tightly, not wanting another night like the previous one himself.


	60. Chapter 60

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Thanks to everyone for the feedback on the last chapter - apparently my muse is a sadist so threats against my personal wellbeing apparently cause her no distress! Nice of her that, to throw ME under the bus that way! Lol. So, Liv and Alex meet again in this chapter. Want to see what happens? Then read on, I won't delay you. ;) Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday March 14<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**16.29**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

Familiar heels clicked along the lino flooring, approaching the bullpen. No one would have noticed the slight hesitation in that final step before rounding the corner into the open squad room unless they were listening for it but Olivia, Elliot and Fin were all listening, avidly, for wildly different reasons. Elliot was remembering back to the woman he had encountered earlier in the day, the unnerving intimidation she conjured with a single stare. Fin was wondering how Alex was after the frantic trauma of the night before, not having seen her after she gave her statement. Olivia, on the other hand, was doing her best not to show outwardly just how nervous she was of seeing the younger woman for the first time since running out of her apartment like a thief in the night. Elliot had delivered the money back to her when he had returned to the precinct, practically throwing it in her face as he told her again to fix it with Alex. He had described their encounter at Alex's door and with every word that passed his lips her sense of regret grew. When he told her of the blonde's cool aloofness, of the re-emergence of Alexandra Cabot, Ice Queen, she knew without a shadow of a doubt just how much she had hurt the attorney and that her hopes of ever being privileged enough to see beyond that facade were slim to none. She swallowed convulsively, stomach roiling in her anxiety and when she heard that falter in Alex's step, knowing that she had caused it, caused that slight trepidation in the usually unflappable woman, a wave of guilt hit her so strongly that she had to sit down.

Alex stepped into the main body of the bullpen, spine ramrod straight, head held high, expression coolly neutral. Her eyes were hiding behind the barrier of her black-rimmed glasses, the glasses Liv had always admired on her ever since they had met, loving the way they telegraphed her strength and intellect. At present, she wished she could rip them from Alex's face, tear down the mask, the barrier, they represented and see beyond to the woman she believed was still hiding inside.

"Detectives, please tell me you have a damn good reason for dragging me all the way down here at the weekend," Alex announced sharply, her gaze sweeping over Elliot and Fin without even flickering to where Liv was sitting behind her desk. Her heart was racing and she kept her fists clenched tightly around the handle of her attaché, holding it in front of her body like a physical shield, to disguise the fact that her hands were in fact trembling almost violently. It took all of her willpower not to acknowledge Olivia's presence in the room but it was necessary. If she looked into those expressive brown eyes, if she saw the disdain she believed they must hold for the older woman to have treated her so callously, it would be her undoing. And the squad needed her to be ADA Cabot, not a simpering mess. The victims needed her to do what she could to bring justice to bear for them. For that, she had to push everything else aside.

"Doc Warner found skin cells and blood beneath the fingernails of the woman who was attacked last night outside the New Yorker," Fin explained, focusing her attention even more keenly on the case at hand.

"Do we have a match?" she asked briskly, tone business-like to mask her almost overwhelming desire to get out of there, feeling as though she would suffocate under the tension she could feel in the room.

"Results came in 'bout two minutes before I called you. DNA was a match to Markson. His latest victim has been identified as Katya Jacobsen, native of Viborg, Denmark originally, moved to New York in July 2000. Worked as a receptionist at the fitness centre two blocks over from the hotel. Left work around an hour before she was found at the back of the New Yorker so we're guessing he snatched her while she was walking to the subway. No family, no kids, no real ties to the community beyond a few acquaintances from work. She fits perfectly with the pattern Liv and I uncovered and the location is central to the area we had expected his next victim to be attacked in. We have footprints from Katya's body that we can match to the shoes that made them if we can search Markson's apartment, his work locker, anywhere he might be storing them." Fin explained the basis for them calling Alex in, filling her in on the results of the autopsy Melinda had supplied them with, watching her already pale skin turn even more wan as he listed the injuries Katya had suffered.

"Give me an hour, I'll have your warrant to arrest Markson and search anywhere you need to look for those shoes. I still have one or two judges who'll take my calls on the weekend." Alex turned on her heel, having heard enough to convince her there was sufficient basis for the warrant to be granted.

The two men watched her go, one with barely disguised relief, the other with an expression of utter confusion. Elliot turned to his partner who hadn't moved from where she had fallen into her chair upon Alex's arrival.

"Don't you think you should go after her?" he suggested none too gently.

As though the words shocked her out of her stupor, Olivia bolted to her feet, darting from the squad room and hurtling after the aloof attorney.

"Alex? Please, Alex wait!" Liv called. Throwing herself on Alex's mercy, Liv admitted, "I know I have no right to expect you to speak to me but please, can we talk?"

"I have work to do, Detective. If you want to pick Markson up before he goes to ground, I suggest you don't attempt to delay me." Alex stepped onto the elevator and turning to look at the woman who had reached out to her. With Liz and Elliot's words ringing in her ears, the blonde sighed. "Come to the apartment when you're done. I think this is a conversation better had in private." As the doors began to close, Alex spoke again, her tone brooking no argument. "And Olivia? No matter how late it is, don't you dare call to cancel unless you want us to be done for good."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday March 15<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**00.32**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Olivia stood outside of Alex's front door, feeling more nervous than could ever remember being in her life. She knew that this could very well be one of the most important conversations she would ever have and the pressure of it threatened to have her hightailing it. Swallowing down the urge to bolt, she raised a shaking hand to knock lightly on the door in front of her. Footsteps approached from the inside, a faint shadow falling as the attorney wisely peeked through her peephole.

The door opened to reveal a tired looking blonde, hair scraped back into a loose ponytail, feet bare, carpenter-style faded denim jeans encasing her long, slender legs. The ensemble was completed by a baggy old, faded sweatshirt baring the crest of Alex's alma mater. The outfit was clearly intended for comfort as though the young woman needed something to help her feel at ease in her own skin.

"Come in," Alex invited, exuding calmness belying the incessant churning which had taken up residence in the pit of her stomach all evening as she waited for the brunette to appear on her doorstep. Understanding the detective's job as she did only went some way towards quelling her anxieties as the clock ticked on, knowing how long the procedure of arresting someone and being present at the subsequent searches could take. Still, as the hours passed and the night grew colder, niggling doubts had surfaced, taunting the ADA for believing the woman would come, for believing that she meant anything to her at all.

"I'm sorry it's so late," Olivia murmured as she passed by her close friend… Could she even consider Alex that anymore? She honestly wasn't sure they could currently even be termed friendly acquaintances given this strained distance between them. "Thank you…for still agreeing to let me in." They stood in the entrance hall, both watching one another warily, waiting for some sign that this wasn't a mistake, that they could move beyond what had occurred during the previous 24 hours or so and rekindle some kind of closeness, some kind of ease around one another.

Alex nodded slightly, acknowledging silently Olivia's attempts to reach out to her. "Can I get you anything to drink?" she asked, feeling oddly like she was entertaining the woman for the first time and not talking to someone she had up until early yesterday effectively been living with.

"Umm…a glass of water would be good, thank you," Liv replied nervously, needing something to occupy her hands with that wouldn't see her fidgeting restlessly. She didn't want anything to give the younger woman the wrong impression, not her words, not her behaviour and certainly not her inadvertent body language. She was here to throw herself on Alex's mercy, to beg for another chance if necessary. Being on the outside of Alex's comfort zone, not allowed to even peek over the barricades and walls she had put up, was lonelier than she could ever have imagined it being. If she felt that way after just one day, she knew there was no way she could survive being around the attorney long term if that was how their relationship was to be.

"Go through to the lounge and take a seat. I'll be through with your water in a moment." Alex stepped hurriedly into the kitchen, needing a moment to rein in her emotions as the expression of complete contrition Olivia wore threatened to seep through a crack in the still hardening shell around her heart. She couldn't allow herself to be ripped apart again and had to stand strong against the temptation to fall at the older woman's feet and beg to be given a chance to prove she was worth her love, worth the risk of being hurt. She needed, for her own protection, to remain aloof and detached until such a time as she was sure this wouldn't happen again, that Olivia wouldn't pull her close, allow her to falsely believe she was safe and secure in being loved only to cast her aside when something spooked her. She rested her palms against the cool surface of the workbench, letting her head drop, chin pressing against her chest. "I can do this," she whispered to no one but herself.

Olivia perched on the edge of one of the arm chairs, not wishing to be presumptuous enough to assume Alex would want to share the couch with her. She looked around the room, noticing the differences in the layout. It appeared the attorney had been busy rearranging the place with the sofa now resting in front of the floor to ceiling windows instead of at right angles as it previously had been. The two chairs, including the one in which she currently sat in, were now facing the wall-mounted television with one of the side tables between them. Other ornaments and knickknacks had found new homes too with some missing entirely. Liv hoped they hadn't been smashed or damaged during the move. She wasn't sure she liked the changes. It made the space seem more geared towards single-occupancy, more lonely in a way though she couldn't have verbalised quite how or why. The longer she sat there alone, the more the room seemed to scream at her, to crowd in on her and oppress her for her part in causing the changes.

Alex arrived on silent feet, setting the requested glass of water down beside the brunette before retreating a safe distance away and huddling into the farthest corner of the couch.

"You've had a change around," Liv mentioned, redundantly, grabbing her water and taking a long pull from the glass.

"I needed to do something with my energy," came the somewhat bitter response. Olivia, to her credit, managed to contain her wince at the harsh sentiment directed at her. "Did you arrest Markson?" the attorney asked raising her own glass, filled with white wine, to her lips.

"We did. He's spending the night at central booking. Arrogant son of a… He didn't even try to get rid of the boots he wore when he stomped that poor woman to death. CSU bagged everything they could find that might connect him to the rapes and murders." They both fell silent, knowing that work wasn't what they needed to discuss but struggling to find a suitable way to broach the real subject looming large like an elephant in the corner of the room. Finally, with a frustrated sigh, Olivia blurted out, " I hate this. I hate that I created this. I hate that we can't just…talk like we have done in the past. I hate that my stupid, misguided, selfish actions have driven this wedge between us. Alex…" She fixed the younger woman with a heartfelt stare. "…I am so, so sorry for what I said last night and for how I left things this morning. You have absolutely no reason to believe me but I am truly sorry, for it all."

"Did you mean it?" the attorney asked, not acknowledging the apology, not willing to accept it at face value but rather needing to dig beneath the surface to see what exactly had provoked it so she might know whether it was something which would repeat again and again should she allow Olivia back into her life.

"I meant that if anything like that happened to you it would kill me, yes. I meant that the very thought of it scares me more than I can describe, yes," Olivia insisted, holding a hand up to forestall Alex's interruption. "Please, hear me out, ok? You can say whatever you like but please just let me get this out." Now that she had started to talk, the brunette felt an overwhelming urge to unburden herself of so many fears she had kept inside of her throughout her life in the hope that Alex would see it wasn't anything about her personally which had led to Liv running but that it was a predisposed defence mechanism, drilled into her from an early age. "Everyone has always left me, throughout my life, in one way or another. As a child, every man my mother hooked up with lasted a few weeks, maybe a month or two if he was lucky. Until I was around six years old, I'd look to each one like he was going to be my Dad, he was going to be the one who stuck around and taught me how to fix cars and took me to football, baseball, basketball games. He'd be the one to walk me down the aisle when I got married. I let myself get attached to them, I believed every one of them when they said they wouldn't leave us. Then I learned they'd all say that but in the end, none of them could cope with my mother's drinking or having to look after her bastard daughter who she only had because she was raped. It always ended up being just the two of us again and I was the one who had to handle her drinking and her mood swings and her lashing out at me. My own boyfriends, lovers, even close friends throughout school, they all left in the end, when they found out what I was, what my heritage was. Then Mom died too and I was alone, completely alone. I was working in the unit by then and I know I had the guys but except for the occasional drink after work, there was no one in my life who wanted to know me just for me. I learned to be the one to walk away, to leave on my terms rather than waiting for others to do it because I knew it would happen eventually. I sought relationships, hook-ups with men and women who I knew I could never develop any attachment to because it made leaving them easier. I wasn't risking any part of my heart so I couldn't be hurt. And then you changed that. You swept into the squad room, you worked your way into my life just by being there, by being who you are and I started to let myself believe that, even if only as a good friend, you'd be there, always. But then you were shot and I lost you too. In some ways, it might have been easier for me to deal with it had you really been killed but knowing that you were out there, somewhere… I shut down again. I kept everyone at arm's length again because letting my guard down, letting myself believe in forever had just resulted in me having to get over yet another person walking out of my life. When you came back and wouldn't make any effort to reconnect, in my mind, that just reinforced the fact that I'd been wrong to open myself up to you in the first place. Sam was the first person who broke through those walls I'd built up, she was the first one who battered away at my defences and wouldn't take no for an answer. And I truly believed that I'd finally…finally found the one person who wouldn't leave me. But she did. She sacrificed herself and made me leave her there to die without knowing what that would cost me. And in the aftermath, you were there to pick me up and set me back on my feet again. You got in behind my walls before I could put them back up and you gave me hope that I wouldn't have to be alone, even though Sam was gone. But life isn't under our control. It's in the hands of some other power, some entity which chooses who lives and who dies, who stays and who leaves, who gets to be happy and who finds every hour of every day a living Hell. Last night…last night reminded me of the pain I'm opening myself up to by allowing you behind those walls…and it terrifies me. I've known what it is to be without you before but then there was always that tiny spark of hope, knowing that you were still alive, that you'd come back to me someday. When I thought it was you in that alley…when I thought that I'd finally lost you for good…it was like I couldn't shake off that emptiness, that deep aching chasm of loneliness. Even when I knew it wasn't you…all my mind kept telling me was that it might not have happened yet but that was what the future holds, that I'd had a glimpse into my future to the time when you do eventually leave me…and I know that it will tear me apart. When it finally happens, when you finally grow tired of me and all the baggage that comes with including me in your life…I know how much that's going to cost me and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to live each day knowing that that day is coming. So I did what I always do, thinking I could protect myself if I got out before I was any more invested: I ran away. I left before you could leave me. And I'm an idiot for thinking that I didn't already care too much for that not to devastate me." Olivia braced herself to Alex's reaction, fearing that the younger woman would decide she was too needy, too damaged to be worthy of giving any kind of chance to.

"There are never going to be any guarantees in any kind of relationship, Olivia. You need to deal with your fear of being left alone, to really get to the bottom of why the thought of having only your own company scares you so much. Otherwise, it will destroy any and all relationships you have throughout your life." Alex was troubled. She was grateful that the older woman was being so honest with her but it drove home just how much she still had to learn about the brunette. "I'll be frank with you. I've thought a lot today about taking some time away from the DA's office, perhaps away from New York itself, to give myself a chance to figure out what it is that I want from my life. You're not the only one who's dealing with a lot of changes in their life. Up until recently, I'd accepted that I would never be in any kind of relationship for love, that I'd settle for a marriage with a man who didn't repulse me or belittle me or slap me around behind closed doors while I made my way up the ladder to becoming Governor one day. I'd never allowed myself to consider any alternative. I'd never allowed myself to believe that I could have so much more satisfaction from walking away from my political aspirations and instead pursuing a genuinely loving relationship. With you…with you I opened my eyes and my heart to that notion though…and I discovered that it was more than I could ever have dreamed it would be. We weren't even together as a couple but I knew that once we were – and I always believed we would be, eventually – it would have surpassed any kind of joy and sense of achievement I might have had by becoming Governor. You gave me hope that I could have something more than just an existence in which I served to please others. Last night…you snatched that hope away. This morning, when I found you gone without a word…you made me question everything I ever believed there was between us. Especially when I saw the money you'd left. Do you have any idea how cheap, how used that made me feel? Was that all staying here was to you? Was that all that it meant to you, being here? Just a roof over your head and a bed to sleep in? Did our closeness, our friendship, mean so little to you that you could put a paltry price on it and walk out without a backwards glance?" Alex drew in a shaky breath. Olivia, wisely surmising the attorney wasn't finished, kept her counsel. "You're not the only one with baggage, Olivia. Do you have any idea what I had to put up with from Aunt Helen last night? What I've had to put up with from her my entire life? From the first moment I can remember, she has always been there pointing out my flaws, my shortcomings. My hair was too blonde, too fine, too straight. What a shame, I needed glasses but then at least they might hide that hideous bump on the bridge of my nose. Did you know that when I was eight years old, she tried to convince my mother I needed a nose-job? No one would ever marry me looking like I did, she announced one evening over the dinner table. And Mother agreed. It was only when my father stepped in and forbade them from taking me to have it done that prevented me from having that surgery. But that didn't stop her from continuing to put me down at every opportunity. My grades were disappointing even though I was averaging a GPA of between 3.6 and 3.8. When puberty hit, she really went to town; my hips were too narrow, I'd never bear children without having to have a Caesarean and then I'd have an ugly scar; my breasts were too small which combined with my narrow hips made me look like a boy; my voice was too deep, too masculine, were my parents sure I wasn't born a Hermaphrodite and they chose the wrong gender for me? That was the sole reason my father used to always drum into me how attractive I was, how good looking I was, to counteract the effects of his sister's jibes at my expense. As I grew older, I understood that her attacks came mostly from a place of jealousy since she and Uncle Bill had never been able to have children of their own so my presence was a constant reminder of how she had failed in what she saw as her duty as a wife and a woman. When Daddy died, there was a letter he had written to me lodged with his Will. In it, he told me that it would make him very proud if I would continue to include Aunt Helen in my life because otherwise, if anything ever happened to Uncle Bill, she would be alone and no one deserved that. So for him, I do tolerate her, even though she takes that as invitation to meddle in my affairs and to continue to diminish any and all achievements I make. I do it out of respect for my father and most times, I can let it wash over me without any of her blows landing. But she caught me at a vulnerable moment yesterday, firstly by denying my right to choose who I can love and then by actively seeking to 'cure' me of my homosexuality by way of bringing me another 'suitable' man to date. When you saw me kissing Abbie, I was lashing out at her…and I suppose at you too for walking away from what we had… in the only way I thought would get through to her. I knew I couldn't disappoint her, to do that, she'd have had to have had a raised opinion of me in the first place but I did hope that maybe she would finally see that she has no hold over me anymore, that I'm finally about to start living my life the way _I_ want to and not the way she, or anyone else, says I should. But still she won't listen and all I ended up doing was hurting you, using Abbie and making Aunt Helen all the more determined to wear me down.." Olivia was stunned into silence by Alex's soliloquy, never having expected to hear such tales of psychological abuse from the proud, confident woman seated across the room. "You're only the second person ever to have seen me naked – with the exception of my parents," Alex admitted, blushing slightly as she did so. "Despite my father's best efforts and my own projected facade, I do believe Aunt Helen had a few pertinent points regarding my physical appearance. So I never permitted my male partners to undress me, not entirely. They didn't need me to be naked for what they wanted from me. As long as they had access to what was between my legs, they were content." There was another pause as each weighed up in their minds the information which had been shared. "Abbie's the only other person, in case you were wondering."

Olivia tamped down on the automatic flare of jealousy at the mention of Abbie's name in such a context, knowing that they had shared what she could only ever dream of sharing with Alex now. Even though she had no justification to be jealous any longer, having sacrificed that right when she callously walked out of the apartment in the early hours of the morning, it lingered just the same, sitting in her stomach like a heavy knot and refusing to budge. Alex watched the older woman attempting to control her response to hearing about her sexual liaison with the US Attorney, her mind and heart warring over her own reaction to the blatant hostility. Part of her was glad to see the spark, hoping that it meant the brunette was prepared to fight for her, to fight for them and their future. But similarly, a separate part of her wanted to fan those flames, to make Olivia hurt every bit as much as she herself had hurt that morning.

"Alex…I had no idea…" the detective began, clearly struggling to put into words her jumbled thoughts. "You need to know that your Aunt Helen is a blind fool. You are stunningly and breathtakingly gorgeous. There isn't a single thing about you that you should feel the need to change…that you should be anything less than supremely confident about. You are, physically and spiritually, the epitome of beautiful." There was a reverence to the brunette's tone which threatened to envelope Alex's better judgement, an earnestness in her expression which chipped away at the solid walls of her heart. "I know I have absolutely no right to ask anything of you but please…will you reconsider taking a leave of absence and give me the chance to show you, not only how sorry I am, how committed I am to cherishing each and every moment I'm given with you, no matter how or when it might end…but also to prove to you just how spectacularly amazing you are? Let me get to know you, completely and wholly – I think tonight just proves how far we have to go before we can honestly say we _know_ one another and in return, I'll open myself to you. Anything you ask of me, I'll tell you. Anything you need from me, I'll give you."

"I…" Alex closed her eyes against the well of hope rising in her chest. "I…don't know," she confessed softly. "I think I need some time to think it over. I know what you're asking of me and I do…I would like to say yes, I'll stay, I'll give you another chance but I don't trust you not to change your mind again by morning or in a few days or a couple of weeks and if that happened, I'd just…well it would just prove me a fool. So, for now, I'm not saying no…but I'm not saying yes either."

"I understand," Olivia replied and for possibly the first time in her life, she truly _did_ understand that need to take time out before making a decision. And she was grateful to Alex for asking for that time, for giving them both an opportunity to really assess where they went from this point. Whatever the outcome of the decision, it would be one which changed the shape of both their futures exponentially. "I'll let you get some rest," she stated, rising to her feet in preparation for leaving.

"Where are you sleeping tonight?" Alex asked, also standing but maintaining a physical distance from the athletic brunette.

"At my old apartment. Partly because I need to face that fear too, something I should have done long before now and partly as penance for my actions. I don't deserve to sleep comfortably after what I did," Liv supplied, not looking for any kind of sympathy but merely stating what she wholeheartedly believed.

Alex bit back her initial response of agreement, settling instead for a tight nod. "Do you need me to ask Jake to call you a car?"

"I drove here so I'm good, but thanks for offering," Olivia replied, stepping out of the lounge and to the front door. "Thank you, for seeing me, for giving me a chance to talk to you and I really am sorry…for all of this." They stood looking at one another for a moment, neither sure how to part. In the end, Olivia turned to open the door and shuffled out into the hallway with a quietly murmured, "goodnight Alex."

Closing the door behind her guest, Alex leant forward, resting her forearms and forehead against the smooth wood. Her mind was racing with thoughts of what she should do, what path to take for the best and how to learn to trust Olivia again. She doubted that sleep would come any easier to her that night than it had the previous one so instead she pushed off the door and padded through to the dining room, to where her laptop was set up. Pulling up a new document, she began typing, letting everything inside of her pour out onto the page in the hopes it would not only quieten her mind but also make the way forward more clear to her.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday March 15<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**01.40**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 34**__**th**__** Street**_

"I figured you'd come crawling back here eventually," a raspy voice barked from the shadows opposite the entrance to Olivia's apartment.

"Christ Abbie, that's twice in two days I've nearly blown your head off. Will you stop loitering in dark places or at least announce your presence somehow so I don't accidentally shoot you!" Olivia gasped, willing her heart rate to slow down to a more reasonable speed. "What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night."

"You've been avoiding me all day and it was either here or the precinct that were the most likely places for you to be tonight so I got Stabler to let me know if and when you left there." Abbie stalked across the hallway towards her friend, thunderous expression on her face.

"How long have you been waiting here?" the detective asked, unlocking her door and ushering the younger woman inside, preferring not to attract the attention of her neighbours by continuing the discussion in the corridor.

"A couple of hours or so. Long enough to know that your nextdoor-but-one neighbour gets his rocks off while listening to the noisy couple above him having rampant sex," the Texan replied. "Where the hell have you been since you left work?"

"Alex's," Olivia admitted sheepishly, ducking her head at the pointed glare she received.

"I'm surprised she let you in after the stunt you pulled this morning. I'm even more surprised you're not sporting at the very least a rosy cheek from where she slapped you. She must be far more restrained than I'd have been if you'd tried that shit with me. What the hell were you thinking? _Were_ you even thinking? That woman has been nothing but good to you and you repay her by tossing her aside when you get a little bit afraid of how much she means to you and then to rub salt in the wound, you try to _pay_ her for the hospitality she's shown you? What was that, Olivia? I thought I was an asshole but even _I_ wouldn't stoop to that," Abbie raged hotly. "You gave her hope of an adult relationship with you, of a future with you and then at the first sign of it being difficult, you hightail it outta there like your ass is on fire."

"I know…" Liv groaned, sinking into a nearby chair, head in her hands. "She's thinking of leaving…the DA's office and New York…at least temporarily. I hurt her…so badly. I was so focused on myself, so selfish that I didn't see what I was doing to her and now…now that I do, it might be too late, I may have lost her for good this time."

"You've only got yourself to blame if she does go but I hope for the sake of the unit she doesn't. Do you have any concept of what it is you've put at risk? I'm not talking on a personal level either. She is second chair on Sam's case, Olivia. If she walks, that puts Jackson's trial back while I bring in someone new and brief them on everything they need to know. Not to mention that Alex is possibly the most skilled prosecutor I have seen in action in many years and has greater integrity than practically everyone of our colleagues." Abbie released a frustrated growl as she considered the very real possibility of losing her co-counsel thanks to this whole sorry mess.

"She's said she'll take some time to think about it before making any final decision. Maybe you can talk to her, convince her to stay around for the trial. If needs be…if it's what she needs to be able to do that, I'll leave the unit so she doesn't have to see me, doesn't have to work with me." Olivia rose from her seat, crossing to her kitchenette and yanking open the door to her refrigerator.

"You think that's what she's going to want? To make you less of who you are? To force you to give up something so personal to you? Are you even listening to yourself?" Abbie ranted. "Will you please drop this wounded act and start being the woman that Alex loves and respects? Olivia, I am sorry that you lost your lover but this…the way you're acting just makes you look like a weak, feeble woman who doesn't know how to stand on her own two feet. Where's the Olivia Benson who kicks the ass of perps who prey on those more vulnerable than themselves? Where's the Olivia Benson who looks out for victims and gives them hope that life can be ok again, no matter what they've been through? Where's the Olivia Benson who struts into a room and commands it without saying a single word? That's the woman Alex fell in love with. That's the woman Alex would want to spend her future with. So I suggest that whatever Alex decides, whether she stays or goes, you use whatever time you have to sort your head out once and for all. And when you've done that, I suggest you either front up and do whatever you need to do to win her back or you get out of her life and stay out of it so she can find some sort of happiness somewhere, with someone who won't mess her around. If you're stupidity costs us the verdict at the trial of Sam's killer, I'm leaving it to you to explain that to her parents." The Texan rose from her seat, stalking to the exit and seeing herself out without another word.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday March 15<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**10.09**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex answered her phone on the second ring, flopping back onto the cushions of the couch an staring over the back of it at the buildings she could see from her window. "Cabot," she intoned, automatically.

"Hi Alex," Beverley's soothing voice greeted as it drifted down the line, instantly making the world seem a less lonely place.

"Bev," Alex breathed, gratefulness lacing her tone.

"How you holding up, honey?" the maternal woman asked, wishing she was closer so she could wrap her friend up in a comforting hug.

"I've been better," Alex admitted. When she had sat down to write out her thoughts following Liv's departure, Alex hadn't intended for anyone else to read them but as she typed out the last sentence, she had found herself copying it into an email message and sending it to her Witsec friend before her conscious mind had really processed what she had done.

"Oh love… I thought you and Olivia were stronger than this. You seemed so close, so natural with one another when we were there. Are you sure need to get so far away for you to be able to get your head around how you feel about her?" Bev questioned gently, talking to Alex in much the same way she had spoken to Alison, her alter-ego, when she had first got to know her.

"I don't know. I don't know what to think, what to do. The only thing I'm sure of is that seeing her right now just confuses me and makes me even less able to sort out what's right and what will lead to me just getting hurt over and over again. The only way I see that changing is for me to leave," Alex explained, fiddling with the label on the inside of the throw draped over the back of the sofa.

"Why don't you come here for a visit though instead of something more drastic? Take a week or two's vacation time, I'm sure you've got plenty owing to you, and come see us. You could finally meet Tony and I know Greg and Alison would love to see you again. Maybe that'll be enough of a break for you to sort out how you feel and if not, well you've not really lost anything and can still take your leave of absence," Bev suggested calmly, worried that the young attorney was on the brink of throwing away her career and a chance at the kind of love few people ever were lucky enough to experience.

"I'm not the best company right now…" Alex hedged, even though she desperately wanted to jump at the offer of an easier, more temporary escape route. Everything about the situation had her second guessing herself, leaving her unable to trust her instincts.

"All the more reason to spend some time with friends who have no expectations of you," Beverley insisted kindly. "The kids will lift your spirits if nothing else. You know Greg and his natural ability for clowning around, you can't help but smile. And Alison's latest trick is to blow raspberries whenever she has juice in her mouth! I'm tempted to hold you responsible for teaching her that, by the way."

In spite of herself, Alex laughed at the image conjured and at the blame being laid at her door. "How do you figure that?" she asked incredulously.

"Because Greg gives her raspberries on her stomach every opportunity he gets just like you give him. That boy dotes on you," Bev informed her tenderly.

The more she thought about the idea, the more it appealed to her. "Are you sure I wouldn't be imposing?"

"Of course not, we'd love to have you. When can you get here? I'll make up the guest bedroom for you so you don't need to worry about having your own space. And you don't have to feel like you need to be sociable all the time if you don't want to, either. You can spend time with us as much or as little as you like." Bev tried to control her excitement at having enticed the young woman to come visit with her and the family in deference to Alex's fragile emotional state which was prompting the trip.

"I'd probably be looking at the next couple of days. I need to get an arraignment hearing out of the way first but once that's done would be a good time to get away. Is that too soon for you? Would next weekend be better?" Alex asked, concerned still that she was putting her friend to too much trouble.

"Not at all, honey. You come whenever you want to, whenever you can get time off. Just be sure to let me know when you're on your way so I can meet you at the airport ok?"

"I can catch a cab, you don't have to drive all the way out there to pick me up," Alex protested.

"I know I don't have to but I happen to want to," Bev insisted, a smile in her voice. "Give me a call once you've worked out the details at your end and we'll be here waiting to see you but Alex?"

"Yeah," the attorney called softly.

"I'm here in the meantime if you need to talk sooner than you can get here, ok? Phone me or email any time. You're not on your own, I promise. I'm here for you so don't feel like you can't pick up your cell."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 16<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**16.27**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

Alex swept into the bullpen, confidence exuding from her posture.

"Lookin' good Counsellor," Fin cat-called, adding a whistle for good effect.

Alex smiled at the gaudily dressed detective. She actually felt better than she had in days too. "You can all breathe a little easier too. Judge Petrovsky agreed with us that Markson belongs behind bars until his trial."

"Excellent," Fin decreed, with a quick pump of his fist.

"Good job, Alex," Don Cragen agreed.

"Indeed. Nicely played, Counsellor," Munch chipped in, squeezing Alex's shoulder as he breezed past her on his way to the coffee pot.

"Ah Alex, need you to get us a warrant…" Elliot announced as he walked in, his usual partner trailing behind him.

"Sorry Detective, you'll have to give that request to my temporary replacement. As of half an hour ago, I'm officially not responsible for your warrants, at least not for the next fortnight," she announced, smiling a little more tightly as her gaze flickered between Elliot's stunned expression and Olivia's more panicked one. "Try not to give her too many problems," she requested, with a pointed look at each of them before turning on her heel and breezing out of the room. As she passed Olivia, she snagged her wrist in one hand, tugging on it gently in silent instruction for her to follow her.

"You're going then?" Liv asked through the lump which had suddenly erupted in her throat.

"I'm taking some vacation time, going to visit with Beverley, Tony and the kids. I just… I need to get away…from everything. The job…this…us…the constant tension. I need a break from it…and I think it will help us both to have some time apart." Alex stated from where she stood by the closed door of the interview room she led the detective into.

Liv bit her lower lip as she nodded, willing the tears pooling in her eyes not to fall. "OK," she managed to husk out.

"Olivia…" Alex sighed, stepping away from the wall and moving closer to where the increasingly distressed brunette stood, hugging herself in an effort to maintain her composure. "Liv," the attorney started again, softening her tone and addressing her by her nickname for the first time since the situation blew up. "I am coming back. I'm just going for two weeks to see my friend, relax in the company of her children and to gain some perspective on what I want from a relationship…with you. I will be flying home on March 28th…and I would really, really like it, if you'd pick me up from the airport…as long as you're not working."

With a watery smile, Liv assured her, "I'll swap with one of the guys if necessary. I'll do whatever it takes to be there." The brunette released a tremulous breath of relief. "I don't deserve you giving me another chance…"

"No, you don't," Alex agreed firmly, "but for some reason, I can't find it in myself not to. So I'll see you when I get back." Alex reached out and placed a hand briefly on one of the forearms curled tightly around Liv's torso. "And Liv, when I do get back, you'd better be prepared to show me you're serious about this, about a future for us, together. I'm not promising things will go back to how they were, you're going to have to work to prove I can trust you to be there, no matter what. That's something that's going to take time…time that I'm at least mostly sure already I'm willing to give you. So please, don't spend the next two weeks thinking of all the ways I might come back and tell you I don't want you in my life any more. Spend them thinking of ways you can make it impossible for me to not want you by my side." She turned away, walking back to the exit and opening the door. Closing her eyes, she paused to murmur, "please don't make me forever regret this."


	61. Chapter 61

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Just a short(ish) update today. I'm trying to exercise mind over matter that I'm not ill so energy supplies are not optimum just now but I didn't want to keep you all hanging. Still hopefully, this won't disappoint :)**_

_**Thanks to everyone who shared their views on the last chapter and to those still adding this to their story alerts etc, many, many thanks. Hopefully, the next update will be online by the end of the weekend, all being well. Oh and Dee Hensley, I've sent those graded papers back to you via pigeon post so I hope they make it to you safely! Lol. This one's dedicated to SaraHargitay, feel better soon ;)**_

_**Onwards**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>S<strong>__**aturday March 28**__**th**__** 2009**_

_**14.42**_

_**La Guardia airport**_

Olivia did her best to contain her anticipation, valiantly trying not to bounce up and down on the balls of her feet as she waited for Alex to appear. The plane had landed a few minutes ago so any moment she would be reunited with the woman whom she realised meant so much to her. The attorney's absence had hit her hard, especially in the first few days as she adjusted to the younger woman not being at the end of a phone or close at hand to offer her support and guidance and affection. It was then that she had understood just how reliant she had allowed herself to become on Alex and that, in effect, she had unwittingly used her as a substitute for Sam. From that point onwards, she had focused her energies on truly coming to terms with the loss of her lover and the life that they had shared. She had visited Sam's memorial a couple of times, bumping into Fausto on one occasion and joining him for coffee. They had talked openly about Sam and Alex and the future that Olivia hoped to be able to build with the stunning blonde once she returned from her trip. Fausto had surprised her by being generously supportive, guiding and advising her much like she hoped a father would. Gina was still estranged from her but Fausto assured her that given a little more time, the older Camanetti woman would come around and that there were already signs of her attitude thawing towards Olivia now that the initial shock and hurt had worn off. The previous weekend, Liv had finally moved into her new apartment with the help of Elliot and his family. Munch and Fin had called round after they finished work, once all the heaviest lifting was done but they had stayed to help her to organise furniture into preferred positions. The move had been a breath of fresh air for her. The new surroundings brought with them a sense of rebirth, a bright new dawn and the beginning of the rest of her life. Enough of Sam remained to remind her of what she had been fortunate to have but also, the promise of what she might share again if she allowed herself to be open to it with Alex. As she stood in the arrivals lounge waiting for her friend to disembark, old fears niggled at the back of her mind but were swamped by the excitement at the prospect of being able to spend time with the erudite blonde again. She could only hope that Alex's time had been as cathartic for her too and that her mind hadn't been changed by the distance.

A blonde head appeared amidst the sea of strangers, craning over the crowd as though looking for someone in particular. Olivia felt her heart beginning to hammer in her chest as her breath caught. Alex looked radiant, even with the tiny frown marring her brow as she scanned the bodies. To aid her spotting her, Olivia raised her hand to draw attention to herself. Blue eyes honed in on her and a spectacular smile lit up her face. Alex hurried forward, manoeuvring expertly around the obstacles between herself the attractive brunette.

"Olivia!" she called, relief and gratitude evident in her voice.

"Hi Alex," Liv replied, her own smile matching the blonde's.

They came to a stop in front of one another, watching, waiting for the other to make the first move. Olivia deferred to Alex, not know whether she had a right to make any kind of physical overtures given her behaviour before they parted. Alex for her own part was reticent, unsure as to whether Olivia would welcome her greeting her as exuberantly as she wanted to. In the end, she threw caution to the wind and pulled the slightly shorter woman into a fierce embrace, wrapping her arms around the toned, curvaceous body and resting her chin on Liv's broad shoulder. They remained silent for long moments, content just to reconnect through their physical proximity, each feeling a reassuring sense of being home washing over them.

"I'm so glad you're here," Alex eventually admitted softly, sinking into Olivia as the brunette returned the hug emphatically.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be," Liv assured her, the hammering in her chest easing a little the longer she held the lithe blonde in her arms.

"I was scared…that you'd have decided this was a mistake while I was gone," Alex replied, determined to start with a grounding of honesty.

"Not having you around…it made a lot of things clear to me. There was never a moment when I thought I wouldn't be here if you still wanted me to pick you up," Olivia informed the obviously still fragile woman, tightening her hold, unwilling to let her go now that she had Alex in front of her again. Fortunately, it seemed Alex was just as content to remain where she was, oblivious to the stares their extended embrace was attracting. "I'm sorry I made you doubt that I'd be here."

"I'm sorry to…for the expectations I put on you, the pressure, for kissing Abbie. So many things I've realised I could and should have done better." Alex finally began to withdraw although she remained within Olivia's personal space, hands resting against her broad shoulders. "I wasn't being fair to you. It's no excuse to blame it on the pressures I've been under myself but I recognise that now and I should have been more sensitive to you, to your fears and concerns. I should have listened more to my head and let my heart lead me less. So I'm sorry, for trying to push you into situations you weren't ready to deal with."

"Apology not necessary but accepted," Liv murmured as she placed her hands on the younger woman's hips. "So…where would you like me to take you? Want to go straight home or could I interest you in a coffee somewhere en route?"

"Coffee sounds good but let's do it someplace we can talk. I want to start getting to know you as the woman I intend to share my life with…if you'll let me?" Alex pushed herself away from Olivia before the urge to kiss the brunette overwhelmed her. She stood back a little way, giving the older woman a shy smile.

"That sounds perfect," Liv admitted. She cleared her throat, uncharacteristically unsure of herself. "If you don't think it's too presumptuous of me, would you like to come and see what I've done with the new apartment?"

"You've moved in?" Alex asked, allowing her genuine surprise to show.

"Last weekend," Liv announced, growing more confident since Alex hadn't outright dismissed the idea.

"I'd love to see your new place," the attorney replied warmly, grabbing her case and making it clear she was ready to make tracks.

"Let me get that for you," Liv offered, gently taking the luggage from her friend and shifting it to the hand on the opposite side of her body to where Alex was walking so she wouldn't accidentally knock into the younger woman with the wheeled case. As they were making their way out to where she had parked her car, Olivia spoke again. "There's still a lot to do on the apartment. I've only redecorated one room so far and I've not touched the spare room…since I hoped that you'd still maybe like to help out with that one."

Alex was touched by the gesture, glad to see the older woman seemed to be serious about including her in her life and, by extension, her living space. "That sounds good, thank you," the ADA answered earnestly, mind already racing ahead to a time when they would be sufficiently at ease around one another again for her to make use of the room.

Extending her chivalrous gestures, Olivia held the passenger door open for Alex, allowing her to get settled in the car before she stowed the luggage in the trunk and rounded the vehicle to slide into the driver's seat. There was a moment of charged silence as both women recognised they were alone together for the first time in almost a fortnight, with so much to say lingering between them. Opting for a topic she hoped would be safe enough to see them to her apartment, Olivia asked, "so tell me all about the kids. Were they pleased to see you?"

"They were adorable. Greg was so excited I was there that for the first night he insisted on sleeping in my room with me. Bev limited it to just that one night, which was probably a good thing since he wriggles and kicks, a _lot_! I'd have been coming back with bruises like you wouldn't believe if he'd slept with me the entire time I was there. It was sweet though and good for me that he was there that first night. It stopped me from having too many nightmares about being back there. It was a very strange feeling, being there as myself rather than as Alison Humboldt," Alex admitted, twisting around in her seat so that she could look across the centre console as she talked. Sensing that her touch would be welcomed, Liv reached across and gave one of Alex's hands a squeeze where it rested in her lap, conveying her silent understanding and support. "Alison's growing up so fast. She said her first word while I was there, it was an incredibly moving moment. Bev looked so proud. I finally got to meet Tony too – he seems like a great guy, perfect for Bev. He's placid and easy going but won't put up with her railroading him if he really doesn't want to do something. Greg demanded I bring you home some drawings he's done for you, they're in my case. Remind me to get them for you when we get to your place." Liv contentedly let Alex babble on endlessly about her time with the family who had befriended her when she needed it most, not once but twice now. She smiled broadly as she heard of how Greg had insisted on Alex taking him to the park, even though it wasn't really warm enough to be playing outdoors, listening with rapt joy to the vibrant way in which Alex described her time there. "It was such a change of pace, precisely what I needed. And watching Tony and Bev together – they reminded me so much of how you and I are when we're together; the banter, the playfulness, the subconscious affectionate gestures. It made me realise how much of a fool I'd be if I did anything to risk throwing that away. I'm not saying it'll be easy or that we'll go right back to how it was when we were sharing my apartment and just being comfortable in each other's space…but I do want to work towards getting it back to that and more, so much more."

Olivia parked in the underground lot, taking a moment to absorb what Alex was telling her before making any move to get out of the car. Looking across to where the younger woman was sitting, anxiously awaiting her response, the detective offered her a most heartfelt smile. "Let's continue this inside, so I can look you in the eye properly as I tell you how much I want that too."

Olivia unlocked her apartment's front door and then stood back to allow Alex to enter ahead of her. The attorney stepped inside, looking around with keen interest at the populated space which had stood empty and barren the last time she had seen it.

"Oh Liv," she murmured reverently as she surveyed how the brunette had arranged the apartment to suit herself. "This is so very becoming of you."

"Thanks…I think," Olivia hedged with a slight self-deprecating chuckle.

"It was meant as a compliment!" Alex assured, momentarily worried that she had offended the older woman. Moving on, she asked, "how are you settling in?"

"I'm adapting to being on my own, learning to appreciate my own company again," the detective replied openly, admitting that she was still finding her feet. "I'm certainly not averse to entertaining company though," she added with an impish grin. "What can I get you to drink? Coffee? Tea? Something stronger?"

"A coffee would be fantastic thanks. It seems a long while since Greg decided we needed some more quality time together at 5am this morning!" Alex laughed lightly as she recalled how the young boy had clambered up onto her bed, bouncing up and down until she was fully awake and prepared to entertain him.

Olivia couldn't help but let her amusement show, having experienced the reluctant riser that Alex was in a morning and wondering how she had taken the rude awakening. "Does he know how dangerously he was living?"

"He's cute enough that I'll make an exception for him…now and again. I will admit I'm glad not to have to try and deal with that every day though. There was more than one day when I ended up far more exhausted than he did. I don't know where he got all his energy from," Alex stated, eyes twinkling with adoration as she talked about the child.

"Why don't you go on through to the lounge and take a seat? I'll be through in a minute with your drink." Olivia veered off to the left as Alex walked into the lounge as instructed. The detective busied herself with placing all the fixings they would need for coffee onto a tray before retrieving the muffins and cookies she had picked up earlier and adding those too. She moved on to pouring coffee into two large mugs and then carried her plunder through to the lounge in search of her friend.

"Seriously, Liv, this place looks great. Your furniture fits perfectly," Alex exclaimed as she spied the brunette entering. She moved swiftly to clear a magazine off the top of the coffee table, leaving it empty in readiness for Olivia to put the tray down. She glanced at the magazine, chuckling slightly at the subject matter. At Liv's quizzical glance, she held it up, with a raised eyebrow, "very original."

Olivia flashed her a wry smile. "I need to keep up to date with the latest hardware for the job," she groaned, reaching for the Guns & Ammo magazine and tossing it onto the shelf beneath where the tray of coffee and snacks now sat. "I'll be back in a second but help yourself to whatever you'd like." Even though the older woman knew how Alex took her coffee, she opted to let the attorney fix her own drink however she pleased, wanting to give her as much control as necessary over all aspects of the situation for her to be comfortable. Retrieving the pièce-de-résistance now that she had a spare hand to carry it, Olivia strolled back into the lounge. She presented the small package to the seated blonde with a shy smile, hovering on her feet for a moment as she mentally debated where she should sit. Alex had taken up residence on the two-seater sofa and Liv was torn between sitting beside her or retreating to the armchair at right angles to it. Would Alex see it as crowding her if she sat with her on the couch? Would she think Liv was being aloof and distant if she sat in the chair? Alex watched the uncertainty flickering behind Olivia's expressive hazel eyes, reassured that she hadn't been the only one who was unsure of the correct etiquette in their situation. In an effort to help her out, Alex patted the vacant seat beside her in invitation. With a relieved sigh, Liv sank into the cushions gratefully.

"You don't need to buy my affection or attention, Liv," Alex stated softly, touched by the gesture but also a little troubled by it. "That wasn't what I meant when I said I wanted you to be prepared to show me you're committed to wanting this…to wanting a future for us."

"I know," the brunette assured her. "And that's not what that is, I promise. It's just…well it's a tiny token of appreciation for all the support and kindness you've shown me since Sam died. And it's a welcome home gift from one friend to another, which I would have bought for you no matter what developed between us or didn't. I saw it during the week and it just…I thought of you as soon as I saw it." She nervously fiddled with a loose thread on the cuff of her button-down shirt. "If you don't like it, I can take it back."

Alex reached over and captured the fidgeting limb with one warm hand, stilling its movement. "I just didn't want you to think I expected you to shower me with gifts or that that would be the only way to win me over. I'm not saying I don't like receiving the occasional present and I'm sure I will love this," she stated confidently, gesturing with the still wrapped gift, "but it's you that I want. Just you, to be yourself."

"I am, Alex. I am being myself…and I will be," Liv said with a surety that gave Alex heart.

The attorney teased the edge of the paper away from the gift it contained, daintily unwrapping the small parcel. With slightly trembling hands, she pulled the lid off the slender, oblong box which lay in the centre of the folded back wrapping. "Liv…" she breathed, her tone one of unrestrained awe, as her eyes fell on the gift within.

"I know how much you like handwriting your motions and your opening and closing arguments so I thought this might be a pen worthy of the amazing words you write," Liv explained, still watching Alex's reaction closely for any sign that it was too much or unwanted or disappointing.

Alex, for her own part, was relieved. When she had first unwrapped the box, its shape and design had fooled her into believing there was an item of jewellery inside. A gesture that extravagant would have undermined the detective's insistence that she wasn't trying to buy Alex's favour. The pen, whilst undoubtedly expensive by the brunette's standards, was stylishly elegant and thoughtful. Picking it out of packaging, Alex tested its weight in her hand, feeling it settle perfectly into the crook between her thumb and forefinger as though it was an extension of her. She turned it around, examining the marbled emerald green veneer with gold trim, watching how it caught the light and almost glowed in its luminosity. "It's beautiful," she breathed.

"I wanted you to know that above and beyond anything else, I appreciate you for the amazing prosecutor you are. The unit's very lucky to have you as our ADA…and I'm very glad that you're assisting Abbie with trying Sam's murderer," Olivia stated, hoping that Alex wouldn't have decided to step down from that case during her vacation, knowing Abbie would bust her ass. She had made her peace, of sorts at least, with the Texan although they had kept their distance from one another in the two weeks Alex had been away, letting the dust settle.

"Thank you," Alex murmured earnestly. "Really, I love it. You didn't need to but I will use it often I'm sure and when I do, I'll think of where it came from, what it means." She leaned forward to slip it onto the coffee table beside the tray before reaching across to where her close friend was sitting, still a little stiffly, and enveloping her in a warm hug of gratitude. The embrace was much shorter, much less charged than the one they had shared at the airport but just as welcome to both of them as it proved they still had the ability to be at ease with showing one another affection.

When she was released, Liv relaxed back into the cushions with her mug of coffee, settling in for what she hoped would be a productive and positive chat. "I did a lot of thinking while you were away," she began, only a little tentatively. "I wish I could say that I couldn't believe how I acted towards you but unfortunately, I've realised that it's actually very typical of me – to run before anything can get too serious, to be the one to leave before I'm left. I tried it with Sam too, when I first realised that she was different from the other women I'd have flings with. I've never been all that good at letting people get close to me but I made myself make an exception for Sam and despite how it ended, it was worth it. I wouldn't have missed out on that twelve months for the world. Before you left, all I was seeing was the pain loving her had caused me. I forgot all the amazing experiences I had because I opened my heart to her, all the fun times and the incredible feelings sharing life with her invoked. I can't go through my whole life assuming the worst will happen because eventually, I'll wake up one day, alone and full of regrets that I sleep-walked through life instead of taking my chances when I had them. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make sure I don't let my kneejerk instinctive responses rule me. I've been speaking to my PTSD counsellor and she's given me the name of a grief counsellor she believes might be able to help me to really come to terms with Sam's death – the fact that she's gone rather than just the manner in which it happened. I want to get past this automatic assumption I have that anyone I let close to me will leave, not just because it's destructive but also because it's insulting to you. It's like I won't let myself trust that you care enough to stick around and that's not fair. I should believe in you. I _want_ to believe in you so I'm going to work at listening more to what I rationally know to be true than to that little voice in the back of my mind that says it's only temporary, I don't deserve your love and sooner or later you'll realise that." Olivia paused to take a sip of her rapidly cooling coffee, gathering her thoughts.

"I think that the situation, the way in which we discovered that this attraction between us was mutual, can't have helped that. You were…and still are…vulnerable and in a lot of ways susceptible to suggestion. You'd lost the woman you intended to marry, the woman you were ready to begin a family with, in the most horrific of ways. No one can blame you for wanting to grab onto anything that replicated that…or for getting scared at the prospect of having it again only for it to be snatched away. As for me finding out you're not worthy of my love, Olivia, I will tell you every day for the rest of my life if I need to just how wrong that sentiment is. You are a remarkable woman. You have done so much for so many in your life, helped so many others to move on from the horrific trauma they've endured, sometimes at your own expense – physically and psychologically – but you still remain empathetic to their plights, you still reach out to them and help them in every way that you can. And the fact that you do it without any kind of acknowledgement for how much skill and dedication that takes just proves what an incredible woman you are – because you do it from that big, generous, wonderful heart of yours and not because you're looking for praise or doing it to make yourself look good. You deserve to be loved and to love someone in return just as much as any other decent, warm human being. We'll find a way, together, that you can learn to believe that." It was Alex's turn to pause, looking intently at the brunette sat beside her, assessing the likelihood of her being receptive to a suggestion she had been mulling over for much of the two weeks she had been away. "I'd like to make a commitment to you, if you'd be willing to hear it?"

Olivia nodded cautiously, wondering what was coming.

"I promise to try not to pressure you into doing anything you're not ready to do, to try and respect when you need time and space alone and to not even consider sharing any kind of intimacy with anyone until you and I both decide that we're ready to explore a physical relationship together. I need to apologise to Abbie for using her like I did and at the same time, I intend to make it clear to her that there can never be anything between us beyond friendship. And I don't mind if you and I end up in bed together next week, next month, next year or in ten years time because I don't just want you for what you can offer me physically – although I'm sure we'll both enjoy that aspect of a relationship too. I want a relationship with you because you complete me, you make me feel at ease with who I am and what I want from my life, more so than I've ever had with anyone, including my own family. So what do you say to us taking our time, learning everything there is to know about each other and just seeing what feels right when?" Alex asked, her own nerves telling on her just a little as she twisted her cup round and round on the centre of one palm.

"I think that sounds perfect. I'd like us to take it slowly. I'll be honest, I didn't sleep with Sam until months after we started dating and if I'm honest, when it did finally happen, it was so much easier because we were both absolutely certain it was what we wanted from each other. And while I have no intention or interest in trying to recreate what I had with her – I know that's impossible – knowing that it worked for me, knowing that it gave me time to control my instincts to back off, I'd very much like to follow that route again. In the spirit of fairness, I'd like to match your commitment with one of my own. I'll promise to talk to you rationally and sensibly any time I feel myself getting anxious about our relationship. I promise to try and be open with you about my fears, no matter how hard it might be for me to talk about them and for you to hear them. I promise to listen to you if you come to me with concerns about how I'm acting and not to dismiss you without considering what you're telling me. And mostly, I promise to make time for you around the job so that we _can_ spend time together, getting to know one another." Olivia smiled, looking intently into Alex's clear blue eyes and letting the love she saw reflected there warm her, buoy her and settle any anxieties that remained. They each wanted the same thing: to build a strong, solid foundation from which they could launch a lasting relationship.

"I won't mind if you still want to talk about Sam a lot. I understand how important she always will be to you and I meant what I've said in the past that I love you because of your history with her and not in spite of it. I know that you are capable of that kind of relationship, you proved it with Sam. It just took me a while to have the confidence to really believe that you'd want that same sort of permanence with me. But the fact that you were at the airport to meet me, the fact that you're willing to address issues you know you have and everything you've already done for me in the time we've known each other, it all tells me that my own worries are baseless. I can't say that I fully trust you again yet but I'm willing to be open about letting myself grow to. It's not going to happen overnight but I do honestly believe that we have a strong enough friendship that we _will_ get through it…working at it together." Alex set her now empty mug down on the tray, snagging one of the luscious blueberry muffins before she sank back into the sofa.

"We will," Liv agreed vehemently. "I know it'll take time for you to forgive me but…"

"No it won't," Alex interrupted. "I already have forgiven you," she informed a rather stunned Olivia.

"Oh…" the brunette murmured, trying to wrap her brain around that and settling instead for a blistering smile. "Then in that case, would you do me the honour of allowing me to take you out to dinner this Friday?"

"Work permitting, consider it a date," Alex agreed with a beaming smile of her own. They sat in companionable silence for a few minutes, chewing thoughtfully on their respective sweet treats. "I'm really glad we can do this," Alex admitted at length.

"What share coffee and muffins?" Liv asked, cheekily adding, "you're a cheap date to impress!"

The facetious comment earned her a playful slap to the shoulder. "No, I mean relax with one another without there being stupid amounts of tension to get in the way. This…just being with you and enjoying your company, I've always found that my most effective way of unwinding. We don't even have to be doing anything in particular – like that day when I was reading the paper and you were watching that porn, sorry web series." This time it was Alex who received a teasing punch to her upper arm. "Ow! Careful Detective or I'll have you charged with assault," Alex claimed with a wink.

"Really? That so?" Alex nodded in response to the brunette's growled questions. "Hmmm, I'll take my chances that no jury would convict. After all, you have no physical evidence to support your accusation. I on the other hand, have a mortally wounded shoulder from where _you_ assaulted _me,_ Counsellor. Let's see how far you'd get in that court of law you love to strut about in so much."

"I do not strut!" Alex protested haughtily, though the effect was somewhat diminished by her laughter.

"Oh but you do. You strut around the courtroom in your power suits and heels that can only have been designed to accentuate those amazingly toned calves you have, with those glasses perched on your nose to draw people's attention to your eyes, eyes which you can say so much with without ever opening your mouth. Do you honestly have no idea how incredible it is to watch you at work? Alex, every time you enter a courtroom, no matter what the outcome, you own that space. The power and confidence you exude…it's mesmerising. And the way you can reduce even the most complex of cases to pertinent facts while still encouraging the jury to connect emotionally with the victims is nothing short of miraculous." The reverence with which Olivia spoke sent whispers of a shiver down Alex's spine. No one had ever spoken about her like that before and she struggled not to dismiss it as mere talk.

Deciding that she was too shaky to respond seriously, the attorney quipped, "so that's why you seem to be in court so frequently, even when you don't need to be is it?"

"Partly, yes, I'll admit it is but I'm also there to support you, to let you know that I admire what you do, how well you do it, how fortunate we are as detectives to know the cases we pass on to you are in the best hands to try them." Olivia blushed as she realised her presence had been less subtle than she had hoped.

"Don't be bashful about it. Would it help you to know that you being there actually spurs me on to do my best, to make you proud of me?" Alex felt her own colour beginning to rise a little as she admitted to being affected by the dedicated detective's attendance.

"Well I'm glad to hear I don't put you off," Liv replied with a genuine smile. Another comfortable silence settled between them, neither feeling an urgent need to fill it, simply content to enjoy one another's company. "So, this getting to know each other thing…anything you want to ask me, I'll answer as fully and as honestly as I can," Olivia offered after a while.

"That's good to know," Alex told the brunette, "but I'm not about to bombard you with a million questions that I expect you to answer all in one go. I'm happy to take my time with that too, to learn who you are, what makes you happy, what your favourite films are, all those little things that make you the woman you are. I'm pretty much up to speed on the biggest events in your life, or at least I'd like to think I am…"

"You are," Liv assured her. "I'd like to be able to say the same about you but from some of the things you said before you left, I suspect that's not entirely true. I want to know everything there is to know about you, Alex but I understand if it's going to take you some time before you're willing to share your history with me. I can be patient…for you I can wait forever if I need to."

"A sweet sentiment but an unnecessary one. I can't promise to open my entire life to you right now but I have no intention of making you wait forever." Alex brushed a few crumbs from her pants into the palm of her hand, depositing them on the tray. It was an unnecessary action really but one designed to hide her nervousness at what she was working up the nerve to ask.

"You ok?" Liv asked quietly, growing a little concerned by the tension gathering along the muscles at the backs of Alex's shoulders.

"Yeah, I was…I just wondered…if," Alex swallowed the tiny growl of frustration that threatened to escape from her at her inarticulation.

"What is it, 'Lex?" the brunette pressed gently, shuffling a little closer on the cosy couch.

"Could we, put a movie on or something? I just…I've really missed just spending time with you, doing nothing in particular, not really talking about anything deep and meaningful…"

With a sigh of relief that nothing was troubling the younger woman, Liv agreed readily. "I'd like that, very much. Anytime you're ready to head home though, just let me know and I'll take you. I know you must be keen to see home after your early start."

"It will be nice to see my apartment, especially my bath, but…I'm already home…I'm with you," Alex confessed sweetly.


	62. Chapter 62

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one**_

_**Firstly, I'd like to dedicate this chapter to svu1love one of the (very vocal) Twitter readers who are making this journey even more enjoyable for me with their chatter around this story. Happy Birthday and I hope this proves to be a suitable cyber-gift :) Of course, as well, my thoughts are with all those who were affected in any way by the horrific events of ten years ago today.**_

_**Thank you to all of you who are reading this tale with special thanks to those who take the time to let me know their thoughts on it either by way of a review, a message, a tweet or by adding it to their alerts. Your feedback is much appreciated and helps me continue to strive to improve as a writer. Rae D. Magdon, don't worry I'm still surreptitiously building my defences - the drama's not yet done but I do foresee smoother waters dead ahead! tuesboomer, apologies, you might find your pork chop a little ummm fluffy on its return, Muse was using it as a cushion to lean on whilst proddin me to write this chapter ;) GSRCSILVR25 Muse took your review under advisement and well...you'll have to read on to see what her thoughts are on kissing and makeout sessions, maybe ;)**_

_**This is a much longer update than last so I hope it'll tide you over until around midweek when I hope to have the next one online. I'll be working on it today but I'm still a little under the weather (just a throat/chest infection, nothing that'll floor me for long) so progress is slower than usual thanks to the meds I'm taking to combat symptoms. Come to think of it, Muse has been wearing some pretty psychodelic clothing these last couple of days...not sure if that's an unrelated matter!**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 30<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**10.17**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

The comfortingly familiar sound of sharp heels clicked along the corridor, steadfastly approaching the unusually serene bullpen. For a Monday morning, traffic was slow through the unit and the detectives were all able to spend some time catching up on outstanding paperwork and court preparation. Each of their ears pricked up at the sound of their approaching visitor, small smiles breaking out across the face of every detective. They had all missed Alex in her brief absence and were more than glad that she was back to take charge once again.

"Ah Counsellor! Suddenly the morning looks a lot brighter," John Munch quipped sardonically from his seat at a desk groaning under the weight of his files.

"Bony-boy has a point," Fin rejoined, never missing an opportunity to get in a dig at his partner. "Glad to see you back, Cabot."

"To what do we owe this pleasure?" Elliot asked, offering Alex a genuine smile of relief to see her looking much more refreshed and confident again. The quick shy smile exchanged with his partner did not escape his attention either and only served to increase his own joy. "You look like you had a good vacation."

"My vacation was great, thank you Detective although I could have done without coming back to the news that my temporary replacement had left the DA's office entirely. What on Earth did you people do to her?" Alex asked, the vaguest hint of a smile threatening the corners of her mouth.

"I swear, we were on our best behaviour! Why'd we get stiffed with an ADA who can't stomach the work though? You tryn'a make us appreciate you more or something?" Fin fired back, his own tone light enough that Alex knew he wasn't really upset with her personally.

"I go away for two weeks and you manage to drive a seasoned ADA from her post, leaving me with no one to brief me on what cases we have outstanding. Could you not have handled her with kid-gloves, just for that fortnight? And no, Detective Tutuola, I didn't pick her because I thought she would make you look at me more favourably. ADA Torrance has worked with numerous squads including the Homicide division previously, there was no reason to suspect she would find this post overly taxing," Alex defended her boss's choice of temp prosecutor. Despite her vehement defence, part of her did secretly suspect that Jack had deliberately chosen someone likely to quit in an effort to play on her conscience and prevent her from taking any more time off, at least in the near future.

"Dead bodies don't rip your heart out quite like the live victims of this unit do though, Counsellor," Captain Cragen offered from his doorway. "Benson, Stabler, I think I trust you two not to run off another ADA. Bring Alex up to speed with the cases we caught while she was gone."

Olivia spoke for the first time since Alex had entered the room. "Let me grab you a coffee, you might need it before we're through."

"Is it safe?" Alex asked with exaggerated wariness.

"Yeah, Elliot made it. You really think I'd expose you to Munch-juice after the Captain's strict instructions not to scare you off?" the brunette woman joked easily. The comfort with which the two females interacted was a welcome sight for the rest of the unit, each of them thankful that the tension of the past few weeks seemed to have passed.

"In that case, I'd love a coffee," Alex replied.

"Hey! Mortally offended, over here! I thought you and I were tight, Counsellor," Munch whined. Alex merely flashed him a shameless grin in response.

"Sorry, John but your skills elsewhere don't extend to brewing a decent cup of coffee, I'm afraid," she advised kindly.

"And just what exactly do you know about Sergeant Munch's other skills, Ms Cabot?" Elliot teased with an overly lewd wink. "Have you and John been getting it…"

"Detective Stabler, I suggest if you wish to ever stick it to your wife again, you don't complete that thought – out loud or in your mind!" Alex barked sharply, effectively silencing the macho man and making him aware that he wasn't yet fully forgiven for his part in the mess which had driven her to take a fortnight's break. She managed to school her expression sufficiently for all of thirty seconds before her composure slipped, revealing her own humour at the suggestion.

"Ooooh Stabler got owned!" Fin crowed, impressed by the fire with which Alex had shut the ex-Marine down.

"Do you children not have enough work to do?" Cragen bellowed from inside his office, growing tired of the tomfoolery. Heads went down and bodies scurried back to their desks. Olivia handed Alex a mug of steaming coffee, placing one hand at the small of her back and guiding her towards one of the interview rooms so that she and Elliot could update her as had been requested.

"El, would you grab the case files from the last two weeks?" Liv requested, making it clear that she had no intention of leaving Alex's side to retrieve them herself. In actual fact, the brunette merely wanted a few seconds alone with her closest friend and potential lover, not having seen her since dropping Alex off at her apartment early Saturday evening. Somehow, knowing Alex was back in New York made it harder to keep her distance and strangely made Olivia miss her all the more. As they stepped into the empty room, Liv regarded the younger woman, a warm smile adorning her attractive face.

"Thanks for the coffee, Liv. It already seems to have been a long day and it's only just beginning. Jack was on my case as soon as I set foot in the office this morning," Alex admitted with a frustrated sigh, remembering the ass-reaming she had been greeted with by her boss.

"You'd have thought that the fact that your replacement couldn't hack it would have made him appreciate you a little more," Liv grumbled, unable to prevent herself from feeling fiercely protective of the younger woman.

"I think he was embarrassed by the fact he insisted on Carolyn Torrance being the perfect candidate to fill in for me so her running out on the DA's office made him look like a poor judge of character," Alex supplied, gratefully sinking into one of the chairs, having gotten used to wearing sneakers or no shoes at all during her vacation leaving her calves and feet protesting at being crammed back into heeled pumps.

"That he failed to reinstate you to SVU at the earliest opportunity, stashing you in Appeals for so long, already made that abundantly clear, to me at least." Olivia took one of the seats opposite the enigmatic blonde, glancing towards the door to check Elliot was not about to enter before she broached a more personal topic. "Are you still on for Friday evening?"

"Assuming that Torrance didn't leave me a whole world of mess to clear up that makes me work until midnight every night, you can count on it." Alex watched a delighted smile crinkle the corners the brunette's eyes, adoration shining in them which warmed the attorney's heart knowing it was directed solely at her. She felt her own smile growing in response until they were beaming at one another in giddy anticipation.

The door bursting open, followed by a string of expletives, saw them tearing their eyes off one another. Liv stepped over to where her partner was struggling to control a teetering pile of document wallets containing the particulars of all the cases which they were currently working or which would be going to arraignment or hearings within the next few days.

"So kind of you to help," Elliot sniped at his partner as she relieved him of the top half of the pile of folders, allowing him to see where he was going without obstruction at least.

Alex groaned when she saw the size of the pile, her gaze bouncing between the folders and her now half drunk mug of coffee. "I think it might take more than one of these to wade through that lot!"

"If we're not done before lunchtime, I'll shout us all to a sub at that coffee-shop down on the corner of the next block, the one that has that frothy, foam monstrosity you enjoy so much," Elliot promised, his latter comment directed at his partner, as he sank into a chair across the table from their attorney.

"Whether we're done or not, I'm holding you to that for putting images of John Munch in Alex's bed in my mind and you're buying Alex's by way of an apology!" Liv told him, slapping him lightly up the back of the head with one of the folders she held in her hands.

"Assault and battery of a police officer!" Elliot complained. "You saw that, Alex, didn't you? You'll be my witness."

"I saw nothing of the sort, Detective. I merely witnessed the understandable actions of a fellow officer in the face of extreme provocation and you should consider yourself lucky it wasn't _me_ who 'assaulted' you or I can promise it wouldn't have been that head you needed to rub," Alex informed him, her tone brusque and business-like, just as it usually was when she was speaking to one of their suspects.

Olivia released a peel of genuine laughter at Alex's vehement objection to the mere thought of her having any kind of intimate liaison with Munch…and her continued threats of violence against Elliot's manhood. "Shall we get started?" the brunette asked, slipping into a chair beside Alex and flipping open the first of the files her partner had brought in.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 30<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**12.39**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"…and that's the last of the delightful encounters you missed during your vacation. Aren't you pleased to be back?" Elliot announced, leaning back in his chair with a groan of discomfort as his back objected to having been leant over the desk for the past two hours.

"Overjoyed," Alex retorted caustically, flipping through the numerous pages full of hastily scribbled notes she had made which left her with a long list of things to follow up on, to apply for or just plain put right. She wished she could hand a good number of them over to Jack since he was the one who had instigated the mess in the first place but she knew that that would not be tolerated and that she owed it to the victims and the detectives of the unit not to let her absence hinder their quest for justice.

"Well, I'd say it's definitely lunchtime," Elliot stated, rubbing his stomach as it growled either in protest to the prolonged lack of food or in agreement to his assertion. "What do you say, Alex? You got time to slum it with us a little while longer so I can appease your need for caffeine?"

Alex cast a long glance at her watch before answering, knowing that realistically she should get back to her own office but she was hungry and ready for a decent cup of coffee rather than station house swill. Plus there was the added bonus of getting to spend a little more time with Olivia, which was certainly no hardship. "We'll have to make it quick before Jack sends out a search party."

"I'll put these away," Liv stated, indicating the case files they had been going over, "if you'll go make sure it's ok with the Captain."

Elliot rose to his feet without responding, gathering the files into a tight pile and hefting them into his arms. "I got it. You ladies take your time." With a brief smile at both his partner and their ADA, he manoeuvred his way to the door, attempting to juggle his load and open it at the same time.

"Let me get that for you," Alex offered, jumping up and hurrying across the small space to clear the way for Elliot's exit.

"Thanks," he muttered as he passed her.

"No, thank you," she replied sincerely, understanding that he was, in his own way, showing that he was ok with the developing closeness between herself and Olivia.

"I think we just got my partner's blessing," Liv stated as Alex closed the door again, surprisingly elated at the easy way Elliot was accepting them.

"I think we did," Alex answered, taking the opportunity to reach out to the older woman and give her a quick hug.

"Are you alright with him knowing?" Liv asked cautiously, wrapping her own arms around Alex's slender frame and clasping her hands at small of her back.

"I'm fine with it…and I think it proves he was more hurt by the fact he didn't know you were in a serious relationship than he was about the fact Sam was a woman since I'm pretty sure he's aware I'm female," Alex stated, running her hands down Liv's back and breathing in her musky, almost spicy scent before pulling away. "We'd better get out there before he thinks we're engaging in behaviour unbecoming of our positions. We don't want him to think we're taking advantage of his newfound tolerant demeanour." Alex crouched down to retrieve her attaché case, placing it on the table and packing away her legal pad and the pen from Olivia.

Liv stepped to the door, holding it open for the younger woman to exit through and then following closely behind, careful to keep her eyes facing forward and not let them drift down to the gently swaying backside preceding her, no matter how tempting it was.

"Munch and Fin got called out to a scene. I promised Cap'n we'd keep our phones with us and be available if another call comes in," Elliot advised as he rejoined them, snagging his jacket from the back of his chair and checking he had his wallet and that it contained sufficient cash to fulfil his promise of lunch before striding briskly out of the squad room.

The three of them walked the short distance to the coffee shop, weaving in and out of the foot traffic like the experience New Yorkers that they were, sure to remain within touching distance of one another. They entered the small, cosy shop, casting their glances around for a vacant table.

Spying one in the back corner, Alex drew her companions attention to it. "I'll go save it for us while you two order."

"You know what you want?" Elliot asked, expecting the attorney to give him some long complicated request that he'd never be able to pronounce even if he could remember it.

"I'll let Liv choose for me, she knows what I like," the blonde replied with a gentle smile before strutting through the crowded room, her goal as clear as her determination to let no one deter her from her mission.

"She got you runnin' errands for her already?" Elliot joked, nudging his partner who was still staring intently after the ADA.

"No!" the brunette protested. "It just makes sense that one of us grabbed the table while it was free and Alex is right, I do know her preferences because we've been friends for a long time already." Liv reluctantly tore her eyes away from where Alex was settling herself at the table, seeing that they were next in line to be served. "Stop giving me that look and decide what you're going to have," she demanded, feeling the beginnings of a blush creeping over her cheeks at her partner's intent studying of her.

"Excuse me, Miss Cabot?" a voice to Alex's left called softly, interrupting her silent musing. She turned to face the man who had addressed her, feeling a small spark of recognition but struggling to place it.

"Can I help you?" she asked, diplomatically keeping her tone neutral, never knowing if someone was approaching her on work related matters or due to her involvement with the Foundation and its many projects.

"I'm Marcus Rossenburg, we met briefly at the fundraiser evening for the Wish-makers Foundation. Your aunt introduced me to you…" The man flushed as he drifted off, recalling the events which had followed that introduction.

"Ah," Alex groaned as she finally placed him. "Of course. What can I do for you, Mr Rossenburg?" She waited for his answer with baited breath, hoping that he wouldn't attempt to persuade her to date him in spite of her vehement explanation of her sexual orientation he had witnessed.

"I actually wanted to apologise if I made you uncomfortable in any way that evening. Had I realised that you were unavailable, I never would have agreed to let your Aunt introduce us as she did. I am however a genuine supporter and admirer of the work the Foundation does and I wanted you to know that I took the advice you gave at the end of your speech. I spoke to one of the project workers who was there and have been to visit one of the drop-in centres for young carers a few times since. It's such an enriching experience, I don't know why I didn't do it before…or why more people won't come down from their ivory towers. I've signed up as a volunteer, going to do some informal math tuition with anyone who wants it at the centre," Marcus informed the seated woman with pride.

"I'm glad that the work of the Foundation appeals to you and I'm very grateful you're in a position to contribute in a practical way," Alex responded demurely.

"Can I buy you lunch?" Upon sensing an immediate rebuttal forming, he hastened to add, "purely as a thank you, no ulterior motive."

Though he had given her little reason to suspect it, Alex doubted he was being wholly truthful but with politeness which was a little more strained than previously, she advised him, "it's very kind of you, thank you but I already have company joining me."

Olivia arrived at the table just a moment later, swiftly followed by Elliot. Each of them reacted to the subliminal signals Alex was sending out and proceeded to metaphorically circle the wagons. The food trays were slid onto the clear surface as Liv stationed herself beside her friend. "Everything ok here?" she asked tersely, not at all surprised by the flash of jealousy she felt as she considered the possibility of this man trying to garner Alex's attention. The casual ease with which the younger woman reached out and squeezed her hand did wonders for her, the sign clear and unambiguous.

"Olivia, this is Mr Rossenburg, one of the donors to the Wish-makers Foundation. He was just telling me how he's starting as a volunteer at one of the drop-in centres the Foundation helps to finance." Alex offered the brunette a grateful smile as she felt the palm beneath her own curl around to grip her daintier hand, sealing their connection. "Mr Rossenburg, this is Detective Olivia Benson and her colleague Detective Elliot Stabler. They work for the Manhattan Special Victims' Unit which I'm assigned to." She opted to avoid mentioning her connection to Olivia on a personal, hoping the physical contact would be sufficient and not yet being comfortable announcing that they were partners or lovers, not entirely sure how she would define what they had. Given that it was still so much in its infancy, she hoped that Liv would understand her reticence. As though reading her mind, she felt the older woman squeeze her hand in support, allowing her to relax slightly.

"Pleased to meet you both. Alexandra is a very inspirational woman," Marcus announced pleasantly.

"She certainly is," Olivia agreed releasing Alex's hand and idly dishing their food out to the relevant recipients. "She's also an incredible prosecutor and a wonderful friend." There was the slightest edge to the detective's voice, just a tiny trace of possessiveness. It should have annoyed Alex but she actually found it comforting that the brunette was willing to demonstrate how much she cared for her. She looked down at the sandwich which had been placed before her and her adoration merely blossomed to another level, seeing her cherished favourite lunch of choice awaiting her attention. And what made it all the more endearing was the knowledge that this wasn't Olivia attempting to seduce her but rather was just being herself, being the thoughtful, attentive woman she normally was.

"Would you excuse us? We need to talk business over lunch and we're all working with a short window of opportunity before we're called back," Elliot advised of the still lingering man who was clearly not taking the numerous hints being sent his way that his presence was no longer required.

"Of course, forgive me. It was nice seeing you again, Miss Cabot and thank you, again, for inspiring me to become a volunteer," Marcus stuttered, confused by the almost electric connection between the two women seated beside one another at the table. That was not the same woman he had seen Alexandra kissing so passionately at the Fundraiser. He wondered which was her true girlfriend and if she knew that there was another woman in the picture also. Apparently infidelity was not just a heterosexual curse.

"No, really, thank you and good luck with your work at the centre," Alex offered warmly, thankful he was leaving.

"I think he was hoping he could get a little more than gratitude from you," Elliot scoffed after the interloper had beat his retreat.

"He was the latest pawn in Aunt Helen's attempts to see me married off," Alex explained in off-hand fashion, not particularly wanting to invite memories of that evening to the table.

"Why don't you just tell her to butt out?" Stabler asked, genuinely interested in the strange family dynamics at play with Alex's aunt.

"I did. I told her that I had no intention of ever getting married to any man, chosen by her or otherwise," Alex answered tersely, her discomfort apparent. A warm palm touched her back, low down, just above the recess at its base.

"It's ok, Alex. You don't have to explain yourself to us…or to anyone else," Liv assured, fixing her partner with a glare which clearly told him not to pry any further. She stroked the attorney's back a few times until she felt the muscles begin to relax once again before retrieving her hand and picking up her drink bringing it to her mouth to take a swig. As she breathed in, anticipating the first sip of her indulgence, she recoiled with a grimace. By the smell of it, the milk they had used had seen better days. "Excuse me for a moment while I take this back. Are yours ok or do they need to go back too?" she asked, reaching already for Alex's tentatively raising it to her nose and pulling a similar face as the offensive odour of rancid milk assaulted her senses once again. Elliot sniffed his own, almost gagging at the stench which greeted him.

"Oh man," he groaned, swallowing a few times as his stomach rolled. He restrained himself from making further comment in deference to wanting to actually be able to eat his food without disturbing images accompanying the experience. Alex chuckled quietly to herself, grateful to the brunette for having spared her from having to test her own drink. "I could have done without that," Elliot admitted, tentatively picking up his sandwich an inspecting it thoroughly to check its fitness for consumption before taking a small bite, rich tomato sauce oozing out from beside a meatball and threatening to drip onto his shirt.

Alex tossed a napkin across the table towards him. "You might want to use that if you hope to keep that shirt on the rest of the day!" she mentioned, tearing a modest corner of her sandwich off and slipping it between her lips.

"Thanks," the swarthy detective acknowledged around his mouthful, earning him a raised eyebrow from his companion at his lack of table manners. Learning his lesson, he chewed rapidly and swallowed the load before speaking again. "So I guess I should give you 'the speech', shouldn't I?"

"And what speech would that be?" Alex asked, suspecting she already knew but wanting to make the man squirm if possible.

"The one where I tell you that I'll make your life a living hell if you hurt Olivia…and don't worry, I'll be giving her the same speech too. I consider you both friends and I can't honestly imagine the unit without you both now so please, whatever happens, just try to keep that close friendship you've always had. I'd hate to lose either of you." Elliot cleared his throat and cracked his neck as he tilted his head side to side. "I know I was an asshole about Sam and I'll always regret that but Liv's like my sister and I see now how much you mean to her and how much she means to you in return. I'll admit, I thought at first your timing and intentions were off but she assures me you honestly do care for her…"

"I do…and I have for a long time," Alex interrupted. "I never acted on it because I was scared and then, when I finally got over myself enough to reach out to her again, she was already involved with Sam. I'd have never done anything to come between them but I can't help but want to explore what we share now. I know it's only a short time after Sam's death and I'm not expecting to fall into a deep, committed relationship with talk of weddings and children immediately. I'm more than willing to let Olivia dictate the pace of whatever happens between us, at least for the foreseeable future."

Elliot watched Alex carefully as she spoke, adding his observations to those he'd already made while watching them interact during the morning and the casual way in which they exchanged affectionate physical gestures. "Well, in my role as pseudo-brother, I'll be looking out for both of you and won't be backwards in calling either of you on it if I see you messing about with the other. I actually think you're a good match for Liv. You've already shown you have a knack for knowing when she needs pulling out of her shell and when she needs time to deal with her demons her own way. She could certainly do a lot worse for herself, Counsellor," Elliot admitted in friendly fashion before adding, "welcome to the family." He held out a meaty hand pumping it up and down as Alex slipped hers into his outstretched palm, the hand tiny in comparison to Elliot's.

"That looks ominous. Should I be worried?" Liv asked lightly as she slid back into her seat.

"Not at all," Alex assured her with a serene smile.

"We're good," Elliot agreed, eyes twinkling with genuine happiness as he watched his partner's features soften unconsciously as she looked into Alex's eyes. With every passing moment he spent with them, he grew ever more confident that in the blonde attorney, Liv had found someone capable of loving her unconditionally.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday March 30<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**13.52**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

"Miss Cabot, there was a delivery for you while you were out. I put it in your office for you," Mandy mentioned kindly as she saw her boss approaching.

"Thank you," Alex replied with a frown, not expecting anything. "Any urgent messages I need to deal with?"

"Nothing that can't wait except DA McCoy wanted to know when you got back and Ms Carmichael was looking for you about ten minutes ago. She asked me to let you know she'd be in her office whenever you have chance to go and see her." Mandy flicked through a few telephone message slips on her desk, handing them to Alex, eager for the kind attorney to enter her office and see the delivery she had received. She had missed her during the past two weeks, not having got on so well with the assigned replacement before she hightailed it out of there.

"Ok, thanks. I'll go speak to Abbie shortly. I think I'll deal with Jack over the phone," Alex admitted with a grimace and a wink at her loyal assistant, knowing the banter would go no further. "I need coffee first though. Would you like one?" It wasn't unheard of for the blonde to offer to make a drink for Mandy but it was rare enough for her to regard Alex with a raised eyebrow in question. "I know it can't have been easy for you this last couple of weeks so I just want you to know that I appreciate what you do and to thank you for still being here!"

"In that case, I'd love a cup of your coffee. It beats the instant stuff in the staff room into the shade," Mandy agreed in friendly fashion, touched by her boss's thoughtfulness.

"I'll give you a shout when a fresh pot's brewed then," Alex advised, continuing on her way into her office. Her breath caught in her throat at the beautiful spray of assorted flowers which sat in the centre of the blotter on her desk. Dropping her attaché by the coat stand, she hurried across the room to see if there was a card.

"_Welcome back. We've missed you_," the card read and though it was signed from all at SVU, Alex detected the distinct influence of a certain brunette. She contemplated the mixed bouquet, absently running her fingers over the smooth leaves of the accompanying foliage as she breathed in the fresh floral scent. Retrieving her case and rounding the desk, she took out her cell phone, tapping out a generic round robin message of thanks to all bar one of the detectives in the unit, including Captain Cragen. To Olivia, she sent a more personal response.

"_Just got back to my office where the most exquisite flowers were waiting for me. I know you were responsible & wanted you to know I genuinely appreciate the gesture. You do know how to make a woman feel special ;) I'll see you soon. Let's do lunch again soon? Love Axox_"

Placing her phone on the desk, Alex pottered about the office, fixing a fresh pot of coffee and setting it going to brew. Her eyes kept drifting back to the flowers, a gentle smile lighting up her face each time she caught sight of them. She felt giddy, wishing she could fast-forward to Friday already in her eagerness to experience a 'real' date with Liv. As much as she tried to tell herself that it needn't be any different from other evenings they had shared, trying not to put too much pressure or expectation on either of them, she couldn't help but recall the meal they had shared on Valentine's Day and imagine being free to explore that chemistry without censure. The gentle vibrating of her cell roused her from her brief reverie. She grabbed it up, opening the message swiftly.

"_You're very welcome, I'm glad you like them. You are special, Alex, very special and deserve to be treated accordingly. SVU is lucky to have you but I'm even luckier. I'd love to join you for lunch again, will let you know when's a good day and hope you're not too busy to get away. Speak to you later :) Love Liv xx_"

Alex read the message over a few times, willing her heart not to succumb to her excitement but losing the battle at the acknowledgement that she would hear from the older woman again that day. She'd never been one for needing to speak to or hear from lovers in the past…but then she supposed that was possibly because her heart had never been invested in those relationships to the degree it already was where Olivia was concerned. Once again, she was interrupted from daydreaming, this time by the soft burp her coffee filter machine gave when it had finished drawing the water through from the reservoir. She stepped back over to the door, opening it and inviting Mandy inside to fix herself a mug.

"Those are quite some flowers, Miss Cabot." The petite assistant gestured with her empty mug towards the stunning display of blooms, not fishing for information, but rather acknowledging the beauty of the delivered gift.

"They certainly are. I think the detectives of the Special Victims' Unit are scared I'll leave them to the mercies of temporary ADAs again in the future," Alex jested, knowing Mandy would have accepted not knowing who had sent the bouquet had Alex not volunteered the information herself.

"It's no bad thing for them to appreciate what they have in you," Mandy replied as she finished pouring coffee into her mug, raising it to her face and inhaling the aromatic steam rising from the fresh brew. "Mmmm thank you, Miss Cabot. This will certainly help to make a Monday after much more tolerable."

"You're welcome, Mandy. I'll take mine to Ms Carmichael's office so that's where I'll be if you need me, or if Mr McCoy comes looking for me again."

"Call this an office? It's more like a broom cupboard!" Alex sneered as she peered into the office Abbie was basing herself from during her stay.

"Beggars can't be choosers…and in this instance, I pissed Jack off once too often so he's using accommodation as a way to try and put me back in my place," Abbie groaned in response, hauling herself up from her seat, and edging round the tight-fitting desk and clearing a stack of law books from the one chair in front of it. "Come on in," the Texan beckoned as she deposited the books on the floor as out of the way as she could place them. Upon straightening, she found Alex standing close to her, two mugs of coffee in her hands. The ADA held one out for Abbie, earning her a very grateful smile. "You have no idea how welcome this is."

"Oh I suspect I might," Alex retorted, surprised by how tired the other woman looked, a stab of guilt gnawing at her conscience. Leaning forward, she pushed her own mug onto the edge of the cluttered desk. Taking the tacit hint, Abbie too put her cup down, allowing Alex to pull her into a warm embrace. "How are you? I'm sorry I ran out and left you to deal with everything for Jackson's trial at such short notice."

"It's fine, honestly. The courts are backed up right now anyway so we've only just got Jackson's trial date through. Opening arguments are slated for 20th April, three weeks from today. Hopefully, in that time, we'll have found out what happened to Jackson's wife," Abbie replied, pulling out of the hug and closing the door, ushering Alex into the seat she had cleared and then making a space for herself to perch on the edge of the desk, not wanting to retreat behind it as it felt too formal.

"Still no sign of her?" Alex asked.

"A few possible sightings that Morientes and Sykes have been following up and a probable lead from that but if it pans out, it doesn't sound like there'll be any good news from the outcome." At Alex's probing stare, Abbie admitted, "there's a possibility that Shona Jackson has been at the morgue since the day after she disappeared. There's a Jane Doe who was found with severe head trauma, seemingly having fallen down a flight of stairs in a park not far from Mei Tian's home. Death was ruled accidental, there was no reason to suspect foul play but because no one's claimed the body, it's never been released. Shona Jackson was never officially reported missing so there was no description of her in the database to match against the body when it was found. We're waiting for her dental records to arrive so a comparison can be made."

"If it is her, are you thinking of requesting a second opinion on the manner of death? In the light of what we now know about Craig Jackson and the state of their marriage, it could result in a different conclusion," Alex suggested, even as she hoped that Shona hadn't come to such an end.

"I don't know if it would even be down to me to pursue that case since it's not directly linked to Samia's murder," Abbie hedged.

"I'd argue that it is. Since Jackson's whole premise for going after Samia was because she reminded him in some warped way of his wife who had, in his mind at least, left him for another woman. It was his wife's apparent betrayal that directly led him to hate what Sam represented and created in him a need to punish her, thus hiring O'Keefe who subsequently built the bomb which killed her," Alex countered heatedly.

"I'm not saying I won't, I just need to weigh up all the options and letting him plead out on that charge might be a useful bargaining chip to get us closer to O'Keefe," Abbie advised. "Adding in extra charges could delay the trial…which would mean you have to put up with me hanging around for longer."

"If there was any kind of foul play involved in Shona Jackson's death…if that body is even hers... she deserves justice just as much as Sam does." Alex sidestepped Abbie's remark about remaining in New York for an extended period.

"I realise that but Jackson's going to be in prison for life, without parole, God willing based on the evidence that we've gathered. There's no way he can claim that this was anything other than a hate crime and that, mixed in the terrorism aspect of planting bombs, he'll be lucky to avoid the needle himself." Abbie fiddled a little nervously with the corners of one of the books resting on her desk. "Alex…you look like it did you some good getting away from everything," she said, not managing to hide the fact that she'd switched track on what she was going to say at all well.

Figuring that the Texan would come back to whatever was on her mind when she was ready, Alex humoured her. "It did. It really did. Spending time with two completely innocent and adorable children helped me to relax enough to see what it was I really want from my future."

"And?" Abbie prompted, hoping her two friends would have made their way back to each other.

"And…we're working on our relationship…together…I guess you could say we're officially a couple but we're not putting ourselves or each other under any kind of pressure with regards to any expectations of that. We're taking it right back to basics, Liv asked me out on a date this Friday," Alex admitted, not able to prevent the genuine joy from showing on her face.

"Oh Alex, I'm…" Abbie dashed a tear from her cheek, waving away the blonde's concerns. "I'm ok, ignore me, I'm just being sentimental. Think I must be hormonal!" she joked dismissively. "I really am delighted, for you both," she managed to choke out before finding herself swept up into a firm embrace by her friend.

"I'm sorry if you were hoping we could maybe pursue something between ourselves, Abbie. I should never have used you like I did and I shouldn't have kissed you knowing you were attracted to me," Alex murmured into the brunette's ear.

Abbie chuckled derisively, not aimed cruelly at the attorney but rather at her own inarticulation. "I knew I never stood a chance with you, not really. This is just me being incredibly relieved that my own stupidity didn't cost you and Olivia your shot at happiness. And if I'm completely honest, I have you to thank for a lot right now." Abbie pulled out of the hold Alex still had on her. "After your speech at the Foundation fundraiser, you really inspired me so I spoke to someone who volunteers at a project working with kids with cancer. I've been down there a few times since, just helping out, reading stories with them, doing arts and crafts with them, all sorts of stuff. I've met someone there, her name's Kate. She lost her own daughter to cancer last year and wanted to give something back to the charity that had helped to make their lives that little bit easier during Erin's final months. She's…she's actually a pretty remarkable woman when you get talking to her; smart, funny, passionate about the difference projects like that can make and determined too to do her part."

Alex couldn't conceal her chuckle at hearing Abbie describe the woman who had made such an impact on her. "What's this I'm hearing? Is Abbie Carmichael considering something more than a quick fumble between the sheets with a woman? I think I need to meet this Kate." As she finished her teasing speech, Alex was stunned to find Abbie showing distinct signs of blushing.

"I think seeing you and Olivia and hearing about what Liv shared with Sam, I don't know, it just seems to make more sense now. Maybe I'm just getting old," Abbie grumbled self-consciously.

"Or maybe, you've just met a woman who you're meant to share something more meaningful with," Alex suggested gently. "Don't over-think it Abbie, just let it be whatever it'll be."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**19.26**_

_**Enchanté, Madison Avenue**_

Olivia held the door open for Alex, allowing the devastatingly beautiful woman to enter the restaurant ahead of her. Numerous heads turned their way, casting admiring, wistful or plain jealous glances at the vision they created. Liv couldn't blame any of them. Alex did look particularly ravishing in her close-fitting iridescent teal dress which hugged her modest curves from the capped shoulders right down to where it ended mid-thigh, leaving a large expanse of her long, toned legs on display. The evening was unseasonably warm so she had chosen to team her dress with a simple three-quarter sleeve crocheted white bolero. Liv stepped in close behind her date, placing a hand at the small of her back in an almost primal, possessive manner, subtly letting everyone know that the goddess was spoken for.

"Good evening, ladies," the maitre-d' greeted them with warm professionalism.

"Good evening. We've a reservation for two in the name of Benson," Liv replied, exuding quiet confidence as she stood beside the collected beauty attracting attention from the diners already seated.

"Of course Mesdames, please step this way." The smartly dressed gentleman spun on his heel, leading the way crisply through the moderately populated restaurant.

Once seated at their out of the way table, he hustled back to his post at the front of the classically decorated space, signalling with a click of his fingers for the sommelier to attend to the newly seated patrons. A suave man arrived, dressed in a finely tailored suit, flourishing a list of the wines offered on the premises.

"Bonsoir Mesdames, would you like any assistance choosing a suitable bottle of wine this evening?"

"I think we'll be fine choosing for ourselves, thank you," Alex announced, teasing the list from Olivia's hands and browsing the extensive selection with a critical eye. "Do you have a preference for red or white, Liv?"

"I'm more of a red wine drinker usually but I've nothing against white if that's what you prefer," the brunette deferred, trusting Alex's experienced palate to select an enjoyable wine for them to share.

With a nod of acknowledgement, Alex turned her attention to the patiently waiting sommelier, "we'll have a bottle of the 2007 Ronan Bordeaux."

"Excellent choice. I'll bring it to you momentarily," he informed his customers, departing without flourish.

"You didn't mind me taking charge like that, did you?" Alex asked, a tiny frown marring her otherwise flawless brow.

"Of course not, I trust your choice," Liv replied instantly with a genuine smile. "You look incredible," she breathed.

"So you said at the apartment," Alex teased. "You look pretty damned amazing yourself," she replied earnestly, taking stock of Olivia's freshly trimmed chestnut hair carefully styled into flattering soft waves which accentuated her strong features. Olivia had opted to wear a classically beautiful black dress, its modest neckline hinting at the ample cleavage contained within and the jersey-type material offering a sleekly wrapped suggestion of the womanly bodied it hid. The two of them took a moment to simply watch one another, sharing intimate smiles as the sommelier returned and poured their wine, allowing Alex to sample it before filling both glasses.

"Your server for the evening will be with shortly to take your food order," the man announced prior to leaving them alone again. The women perused their menus, quietly discussing dishes which sounded appealing, until a young girl approached with a notepad in hand and took down their selections, promising for their starters to be delivered in due course.

"This is beautiful, Olivia, thank you." Alex raised her glass, leaning it towards her companion in invitation to make a toast. Olivia followed suit, tilting her own goblet until it rested gently against Alex's. "To the beginning of something wonderful and may this be the first of many such occasions."

"I'll definitely drink to that," Liv murmured. It had surprised her how relaxed she had felt whilst preparing for the date and sitting across from the gorgeous blonde she felt only the expected fluttering of anticipation instead of the crippling nervousness she had thought would take hold. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to make time for that lunch this week."

"You don't have to keep apologising for that, you know I fully understand the demands of your job. Besides, with putting right the mess Torrance left and the developments around Craig Jackson's missing wife, I've been swamped myself. Abbie and I have been meeting up in my office most days for working lunches just so we can keep up to speed with the findings of the second autopsy that was ordered once the dental records confirmed the Jane Doe in the morgue was Shona Jackson, Craig's missing wife." Alex took a sip of her wine, savouring the smooth texture of it and the rich, ripe flavour.

"Is it looking like the original ruling was inaccurate? Is there a possibility that Jackson killed his wife?" Liv asked, worried that the younger woman was once again working too hard, knowing that she had been staying at the office until well into the evening as well as working through lunch. Her own schedule had been fairly punishing and she was grateful to have the pre-standing arrangement with Alex to look forward to or else, she knew, she would have been passed out on her couch before ten o'clock. Knowing that, she could only imagine how tired Alex must be, having had a fortnight off and then having to hit the ground not just running but sprinting at full pelt.

"There are certainly signs to suggest that it wasn't the result of the fall alone that killed her, both from the second examination and from the original photographs. As for whether we can prove Jackson was involved, the detectives investigating it are following up on some leads so there's hope yet." Alex offered Liv a small shrug. "Anyway, let's not spend tonight talking about work."

"No, let's not. Tonight's about us as people, not us as ADA and Detective." With just a brief pause to consider a more pleasant topic of conversation, Liv pressed on. "What do you make of Abbie getting all coy and giddy about this woman she's met?" Liv asked with a sweet smile, having heard more than once from the US Attorney about the mystery woman who appeared to have stolen her heart.

"I think it's so sweet. She's so bashful about it, like she's embarrassed to have feelings for anyone," Alex replied with a wide smile of her own.

"I know but I think it's great that she is allowing herself to consider something more than her usual one night stand. I'm quite intrigued, I want to meet Kate – not because I want to vet her or anything, I wouldn't do that to Abbie but I'd like Abs to know she has our support if she does take the plunge and want to date this woman." Liv sat back as she spied their waitress heading their way with their starters in hand, removing her carefully styled napkin and unfolding it across her lap, prompting Alex to do the same.

"Kate sounds like she's a calming influence on Abbie, a good counter-balance to her boisterousness," Alex agreed, smiling at the girl who placed a plate of artfully arranged slices of melon and assorted berries drizzled with a vibrant red coulis in front of her. "It's been a while since I visited any of the projects, maybe it's about time I remedied that. Fancy joining me for a spot of reconnaissance tomorrow?" she asked impishly, a twinkle in her bright blue eyes.

"You're devious! I like it," Olivia decided after offering a murmur of thanks to their server for her own melon starter. "Consider me signed up to the mission," she joked. "I've noticed that although she's obviously very much attracted to Kate, Abbie doesn't seem in a hurry to get her into bed – which is truly a first, in all the years I've known her. My only real concern is what will happen when the trial's over and Abs heads back to DC. I can't see her wanting a relationship over that kind of distance."

"It's early days yet. She might find it's all just an infatuation that comes to nothing and that it fizzles out before she has to cross that bridge. If not, I'm sure between them, if they're both committed to making whatever it is they have work, they'll find a way to keep it going," Alex suggested, hinting at the hidden romantic in her.

"I hope so, for Abbie's sakes. She might cover it up well at times, but she really is a genuinely good person. She deserves to know that kind of love with someone," Liv asserted softly, smiling as Alex reached across the table and placed her hand atop Olivia's own, giving it a quick squeeze and rubbing her thumb across the smooth, silky skin she found there before moving to slide away again. Olivia deftly flipped her hand over so that she was palm to palm with Alex and prevented the retreat by lightly clasping the delicate limb, making it clear she wanted the contact to remain. "Have you spoken with your family since you got back from Arizona?" the brunette asked carefully, now knowing a little more about the tempestuous relationship with Helen.

"I called Uncle Bill to let him know I was home. He agreed to keep Aunt Helen away from me for a while but even he couldn't resist giving me the 'we're so disappointed in you' speech, as though my being a lesbian hurts them somehow." Alex shook her head, trying not to let the bitterness she felt seep in to the evening.

"Would your father have wanted you to put yourself through all this, if he'd known what control his sister would try to have over your life, over you? Or would he say, you did your best to give her a chance to get to know the wonderful person that you are and now, it's time to cut your losses and admit that some people just don't appreciate what they have?" Liv felt the tension building within the younger woman and was torn. While she didn't want their date to take a depressing turn, she did want Alex to know that whatever she chose to do, she would stand by her and support her in any way she could.

"To Daddy, family was everything. He always told me how proud he was of me, how beautiful I was, how I could do anything I set my mind to and I've worked so hard to make sure his is the voice I hear in my head whenever I set foot in a court room or in an interview room with a suspect or a judge's chambers. Aunt Helen… she resented Daddy, he told me so on one of the few occasions he was candid about her. He was the little brother she never wanted, the much glorified son who, in their parents' eyes, made the family complete. As they grew older and Aunt Helen found she couldn't have children, it only got worse once I was conceived. It was more evidence in her eyes that Daddy was 'the chosen one' between them, that he would always have the better breaks in life. After I was born, he told the family he didn't care whether he and Mother had any other children, that he would always be happy, no matter how many offspring they were blessed with but he wouldn't put Mother under pressure to bear another child simply in the hopes that the next one would be a boy, which is what Daddy's parents would have preferred. Apparently, Mother's pregnancy was not a smooth one, her body fought against being pregnant and made her really quite ill so she already wasn't overly fond of me before I arrived, for being the source of her suffering. Daddy was determined not to repeat his parents' mistakes. He didn't want me to grow up feeling unwanted and unloved because of circumstances beyond my control – which is what he put Aunt Helen's demeanour down to. So for every cruel jibe thrown at me by her, for every invitation that went unattended by Mother, Daddy was there to assure me that to him at least, I was his world. I feel that I owe it to him to keep making an effort with Aunt Helen in the hopes that one day, she'll see that no matter what their parents thought, she was a vital part of the family to Daddy. Maybe she never will. Maybe she will always be a bitter, sour, vengeful woman but I look at her and I look at my own upbringing and I can't help but think it could so easily have been me had Daddy not been the man he was." Throughout Alex's speech, Olivia remained silent and transfixed, still holding on to the hand she had snagged earlier in the conversation.

"Your father sounds like a very special man, I wish I could have met him. I'd have liked to have thanked him for raising such a wonderful daughter, especially in such testing circumstances," the brunette informed her companion, not preventing Alex's retreat this time as she withdrew her hand in order to concentrate on eating her food.

"I'm not that special," Alex denied humbly, spearing a raspberry a little venomously with her fork.

"We'll have to agree to disagree there then because I'm with your Dad on that one. To me, you are so very special. To me, you're the world," Olivia insisted reverently.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 3<strong>__**rd**__** 2009**_

_**22.49**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Liv followed Alex out of the cab, instructing him to wait while she walked Alex to her door. They were both sorry the evening had to end but the brunette had watched the last dregs of Alex's energy reserves beginning to ebb away during the liqueur coffee they had ordered to round of a beautiful meal. Parting was made slightly easier by the knowledge that they would be spending a good portion of the following day together though, having made plans for Olivia to pick Alex up for an early lunch and then they would head to the centre where Kate and Abbie volunteered.

"Thank you for a wonderful evening, Liv," Alex purred, wishing that they were both going inside and wanting to curl up in the brunette's arms as she slept but knowing that they were neither of them truly ready for that to recommence yet.

"You're welcome. Thank you for your company," the detective replied, deftly sweeping a stray loosely curled strand of hair away from Alex's eye. Alex unconsciously tilted her head and let her eyes slide shut, trying to prolong the contact from those soft, warm fingers on her cheek. She let out a quiet whimper as the touch eluded her but was rewarded when she felt the length of Olivia's body settle against her own frame. Automatically, her arms reached around the older woman, steadying herself with strategically placed hands on the expanse of back between powerful shoulders. Muscles rippled beneath her palms as the brunette drew in closer still, embracing her gently. The contact sent thrills of desire chasing down the length of Alex's spine and surrounded her with an almost overwhelming sense of being cared for. "I should go before the cab gets tired of waiting," Liv murmured, breath tickling the fine hairs wafting around Alex's ear. "Can we do this again soon?"

"Yes," Alex hummed, voice throatier and more sensual than usual. She cupped Olivia's face as the detective made to withdraw from the embrace, stalling further movement until she pressed her lips against the brunette's. Though stunned by the forwardness of the move, Liv swiftly recovered, almost instantly becoming an active participant in the kiss. She nipped at and suckled on the attorney's lower lip before soothing it with gentle swipes of her tongue. Alex's hands were buried in her hair, tightly holding her in place as their mouths completed a familiar dance of passion. Her own hands were wandering between Alex's hips, her neck and her cheeks, stroking, gripping, caressing as she drowned in the sea of sensations Alex's talented lips, teeth and tongue were creating. When they finally broke apart, both were breathing hard, pupils wider than normal in recognition of the flood of hormones and endorphins being released. "I'm sorry…I just…a date this beautiful deserved a goodnight kiss and…" Alex's apology was cut as Olivia's lips brushed against her mouth once more, though this time in a more soothing manner.

"You'll never need to apologise for kissing me, 'Lex," Liv whispered, gazing deeply into swirling blue eyes. "I wanted to kiss you too but I wasn't sure if you were ready for that yet."

"I want us to take it slowly, yes, but that doesn't mean you have to wait until we're married to show me physically that you're attracted to me," Alex teased with a coy smile.

"In that case…," Liv hummed, moving in for a final, lingering kiss which left Alex's legs less than steady beneath her. "Now I really should go," she groaned, reluctantly tearing her body away from Alex's and backing up a step or two to avoid overstepping the appropriate amount of physical affection being offered.

Alex nodded, slowly regaining her wits and realising that the older woman had quite probably saved them from making a rather public spectacle of themselves. "I'll see you in the morning," she purred, stretching languidly which elicited a whimper from her companion as it accentuated every curve of her body showcased to perfection by her dress.

"You will. Sweet dreams, Alex," Liv ground out forcing herself to keep walking backwards towards the waiting cab.

"You'll know if they're sweet, you'll be in them. Night Liv," Alex called with a mischievous wink and a final radiant smile as she entered her building.

"Oh God," Liv groaned as a flood of moisture pooled between her thighs at the thought of exactly what she and Alex might be getting up to in those dreams…and how Alex might find it necessary to relieve her resulting arousal. Suddenly, sleep was the last thing on her mind, although she still intended on crawling into bed as soon as she got home. Alex wasn't the only one who might need a little self-service before morning arrived.


	63. Chapter 63

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**I'm beginning to think the Muse is holding my voice to ransom until I type out all the ideas she's planting in my head at the minute! So many plans, tidbits and plot points she's flinging my way, not sure they'll all make the final cut but some... some I already know are keepers. What lies directly ahead (i.e. this chapter) is pretty much pure fluff once again. What can I say? Muse does respond to positive reinforcement after all ;)**_

_**Thanks to all of you for reading, reviewing, messaging, tweeting and adding this story to your alerts. Hope you enjoy this chapter. I'm off to type a little more before bed, a little scenario from some as yet undefined chapter in the future (not too far away) which is plaguing my brain and won't let me rest until I get it down.**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 4<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**11.22**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

The door opened to reveal Alex in a fitted white t-shirt and faded carpenter style stone-wash denim jeans. Her feet were bare, face complimented by only a minimal hint of makeup and her hair still a little damp in places, suggesting she had not long since been out of the shower. The effect, though simple and a far cry from the classic elegance of her outfit the night before, caused Olivia's heart to hammer a little more quickly in her chest.

"Good morning," Alex greeted her visitor with a devilish smile, knowing from the look in the brunette's eyes that she liked what she saw.

"It certainly is now," Liv replied, allowing some of the hunger she felt to seep into her tone. Clearing her throat, worried that she would throw all their plans out of the window if she was alone with the younger woman for much longer, Olivia asked, "are you nearly ready to go?"

"Yeah, just give me a couple of minutes. Come in," Alex invited, stepping aside to allow Liv to pass by her, taking the opportunity to admire the older woman's own attire. Indigo jeans hugged the curves of her hips and ass tantalisingly, leaving the attorney struggling to suppress a low groan of desire. Her torso was equally enticingly clad in a familiar combination of white undershirt layered beneath a maroon V-neck sweater. As Alex closed the door behind Liv, she lost the fight to prevent herself from reaching out to touch the other woman, stepping towards her retreating form and palming one of the smooth, toned buttocks.

Olivia spun around at the touch, pulling Alex into her body and capturing her mouth in a searing kiss. "I think it's only fair to warn you, that that is playing with fire this morning, Alex," the detective growled.

"Hmmm," came the hummed response as supple, soft lips worshipped the smooth column of Alex's neck. "And why might that be?"

Liv worked her way up the leonine neck until she met Alex's ear. "Because if you keep it up, I might end up doing to you what I did in my dreams last night," she whispered hotly. "I'd want to take my time and we have somewhere we need to be."

Alex swallowed thickly, feeling her own core clench and flood as she recalled her own highly erotic dreams following their date. She let a quiet whimper escape from between her parted lips, rationally knowing that she should do something to take the heat out of the exchange but mesmerised by the brunette's rapidly darkening pupils. "We…uh…I…shoes… Let me get my shoes then we can head out," she managed to stutter out at length.

"That sounds like a wise plan," Olivia admitted grudgingly, unable to resist pressing one final chaste kiss against Alex's lips before she consented to release her.

"There's coffee in the kitchen if you want some before we go. Just help yourself, you know where everything is," the attorney stated, backing away but not looking anywhere other than directly at Olivia.

With a grateful nod and a beaming smile, Liv turned and headed into the kitchen breaking the gaze between them before she ignored everything they had said about taking things slowly. Exiting the kitchen with a small shot of freshly brewed coffee in hand, Liv was very pleased to see Alex had rearranged her furniture once again, returning it to the something more closely resembling the cosiness which had been present while she had been staying there. A new selection of photos stood on the corner unit beside the window, drawing Liv over there. A gentle smile settled on her lips when she saw the image of herself, Alex, Greg and Alison which Bev had taken during their visit. Beside it was a framed print of Greg, Alison and herself asleep in the den they had made in Alex's lounge. It was a powerful vision of what a future for them might hold, of their family, their children. It should have scared her but in that moment, she knew it would happen and when it did, she would welcome it with open arms.

Alex padded back out into the lounge, feet now encased in worn, comfortable sneakers and a light grey zip-up hoodie casually thrown over her tee, the zipper fastened only as far as her navel. She knew the image was a far cry from her court persona. That was her intention. She wanted those she would meet during their day to know that there was an approachable, informal woman behind the fearsome facade she had to project on a daily basis. She watched Olivia in silence for a long moment, wondering what was going through the older woman's mind as she gazed over the selection of photos Alex had chosen to have on display.

"You're a natural with kids. You'd be a fantastic mother," she asserted gently when she saw where the woman's focus remained.

"I'd like the chance to find out if that's true," Liv admitted without turning around, allowing the younger woman a glimpse of her hopes for the future. "You look good with Alison in your arms too. She and Greg adore you." Finally facing Alex, she smiled tenderly. "I would love to be a mother some day but I want you to know that, if you don't…if you have no interest in adding children to your life…I'd be ok with that as long as I have you."

"Honestly, Liv, right now, I can't give you an answer either way as to where I stand on children. I'm still trying to get my head around the fact that I'm finally allowing myself to pursue the kind of relationship I've always wanted but never felt I could have. I'd assumed that, at some point, I would have the required offspring but that's been out of a sense of obligation rather than a conscious desire to have a son or daughter of my own. I suppose now that it won't just happen naturally, it's something I need to take some time to think about," Alex stated, a slightly troubled expression marring her face.

"There's no rush, 'Lex. It's not something that will be happening overnight, there's plenty of time for you to see how you feel about children, motherhood and all that goes with it. And if you do decide it's not for you, there's no shame in that. I don't want you to think you can't tell me honestly if that is how you discover you feel. It won't make a difference to how much I care for you because even though I could see myself as a mother, I've already resigned myself to the likelihood it'll never happen for me."

Alex felt a pang of distress at the brunette's words, not wanting her to give up on something so important to her. "Never say never, Olivia. And once Bev and the family move to New York, I suspect that I'll be getting a lot more chances to test my hand at having children around this place and in my life. She already warned me to expect requests for sleepovers from Greg and that I'll be their first call when looking for a childminder!"

"They're definitely moving here then?" Liv asked, instantly happier at the thought of Alex being closer to the friends who obviously meant a great deal to her. She had to admit though that she was slightly nervous of the reception she would get from Bev the next time they met, knowing how protective of Alex the woman was.

"They are. Tony came up during the week to view a brownstone that they liked the sound of. They've already arranged terms and paid the deposit so they're looking to relocate in the next couple of weeks. Tony's planning on coming up first so he can get some of the rooms as ready as possible then Bev and the kids will follow on behind. Tony's new job starts at the end of the month so he wanted them to have a bit of time to settle in before he gets into that." Alex couldn't hide her own excitement at the thought of having the family closer, relishing the prospect of being able to spend more quality time with Bev. "I'm really glad you convinced me to reach out to them when I did. I'd have hated to bump into her on the street or for her to have seen me on a news bulletin or something. She deserved to know the truth a better way than that so thank you for giving me the push I needed."

"I'm glad you got in touch with her too, for both of you and for the kids. You're like me, the friends you have are people you've met through work so it'll be good for you to have time with someone completely away from that. I know that's one of the things I appreciated about Sam – she wasn't tainted by what we deal with every day," Olivia supplied, turning away from the bank of photos and giving Alex her undivided attention.

"So what does that make me then? Tarnished goods?" Alex asked a little sharply.

"No! God, no. Alex, don't do that, please don't think that I'm comparing what I hope to have with you to what I had with Sam. It's completely different. Sam was my first serious relationship with a woman. It was beautiful, it was enlightening and it was a breath of fresh air but it wasn't perfect, not by any means. We had our disagreements and because she had no clue about the horrors we have to deal with, she didn't always know when to give me time to myself, she didn't understand that sometimes, talking about my day even in roundabout terms just leads to those images getting trapped in there with no way to shake them off. You already understand that and don't think I haven't noticed that you instinctively know when I need to talk and when I need to be by myself. You have no idea how much I appreciate that and I know that, if you weren't immersed in the same world as me, you wouldn't have that instinct. So no, you're not tarnished in any way. You're intuitive and understanding…and that's great but I'm not as adept at reading you yet as you are at reading me…which is why I think it can only be a good thing that you have someone who you can talk to and hang out with who doesn't carry the same demons that we do on their shoulders." Olivia risked stepping closer to the tall blonde, reaching out tentatively, giving her ample opportunity to back away if the touch wasn't welcome.

"I don't want you to feel like you're having to settle for something less than you've already known or…" Alex began, neither moving into nor away from Olivia's arms, only to be interrupted by the brunette.

"How could you think that my being with you is me settling for anything? Honey, never, _never_, think that about yourself. You're more than anyone could ask for…as a friend or as a partner. You and Sam are very different people and I'm attracted to you every bit as much as I was to her…perhaps more if I'm completely honest. With Sam, it was easy to be a different person away from the job but I had to be that different person with her for us to work, she couldn't handle the darker side of me that sometimes comes with the job. With you, I feel like I only need to be myself period, all the time. You take me, all of me, for who I am. So, please, don't let me hear you saying I'm settling for you again because nothing could be further from the truth." Olivia had accompanied her vehement words with a firm grip to Alex's upper arms, keeping her gaze steadily level with the uncertain blue eyes of the younger woman so she could see the heartfelt truth in what she was saying.

Alex sighed and looked down to one side in resigned defeat, settling into the embrace gratefully as she felt Liv's arms wrap around her. "I'm sorry…" she whispered, voice timid and small.

"Don't be," Olivia replied. "I want you to be open and honest and to be yourself with me too. I do recognise this isn't easy for you either, that there are changes going on in your life that you're having to try and deal with. I want to be here for you. I want to be the one you turn to, the one you lean on, the one you talk to." She pressed a kiss against Alex's temple, breathing in the attorney's unique sense and allowing a familiar sense of belonging to wash over her. "I know this is where I want to be, right here with you, preferably in my arms."

"I'll try," Alex promised quietly, nestling her head into the crook of Olivia's neck and shoulder with a contented sigh. "I'm not used to…being that talkative in relationships. None of the men I've had liaisons with were all that interested in how I felt about anything. As long as they were content and satisfied, life was good enough for them and there was nothing more to discuss. So you might have to bear with me for a little while until I get used to having someone around who gives a damn."

"I can do that. I'm not going anywhere," Liv assured her friend, lips moving against the fine hair at Alex's temple. Her heart ached to think of the lack of genuine caring the younger woman had experienced in her life. Even in her more brief dalliances with men and women in the past, she could at least say that some of them had cared for her as a person, not just as a body to warm their beds and service their physical needs.

"That's something I won't tire of hearing you say in a hurry," Alex admitted, wondering if they really needed to go out or if she could persuade the detective to stay in the apartment watching movies while curled up on the sofa together.

"Then I'll tell you every day, several times if necessary. I'm not going anywhere without you," the brunette reiterated tenderly. "And right now, we should be heading down to this drop-in centre so we can catch Abbie and meet Kate before they finish."

Alex suppressed her disappointment, knowing there would be other days, other times when she could be alone with Olivia and that this whole ridiculous mission had been her idea in the first place. Honestly, did she really care that much about this woman who had caught Abbie's eye? Was she really that desperate?

Olivia sensed that there was a newly evident reluctance when Alex failed to leave her embrace at the mention of going to visit the project her charity supported. It was further evidenced by the slight slump in her shoulders and the increased heaviness of her head where it leant against her collarbone. "Are you ok? Would you prefer not to go?"

"I'm fine. You're right, we should get moving or we'll miss them," Alex agreed, heaving herself out of the comfortable hold and pushing her hands into the low-slung pockets of her zip-up. Gentle hands cupped her face, guiding it back to meet Olivia's concerned gaze.

"Talk to me. What is it?"

"It doesn't matter. It's nothing that we can't do another time," Alex attempted to pass it off but Liv kept her tender hold in place, eyes imploring the blonde to not clam up on her now, not after what they'd just discussed. "It's just this…feels nice…it feels right. Part of me…a large part…just wants to curl up next to you on the couch and watch mindless movies."

A smile of relief appeared on the detective's face. Rather than dismissing the suggestion as being ridiculous, she merely offered, "well, we could do that too. After we get back from the centre, I could maybe come back here or you could come over to mine and we could do just that. I've no plans this afternoon or evening and spending more time with you would be a definite bonus. What do you say? Fancy having your cake and eating it too?"

This time, it was Alex's turn to smile, a grateful smile of genuine joy. "I would very much like that, yes. I didn't want you to think I was being clingy or anything but what you said, about me being in your arms, that's how I feel too. That's when I know I'm home."

Olivia felt her heart melt at the sentiment, knowing it would be a test of restraint for them both but willing to take the chance if it meant she would get to hold the younger woman for an extended amount of time. Still cradling her cheeks between two warm palms, Liv leant forward, placing a reverent kiss on Alex's succulent lips. What began as an exchange of reassurance soon became something much more sensual with tongues lapping at one another's lips, silently requesting entry into the hot moist cavern beyond the barrier. Olivia captured Alex's lower lip between her teeth, nipping at it playfully and then laving it with her tongue in a soothing caress. Alex retaliated by drawing the tip of her own tongue lightly along the inside of Liv's top lip, teasing and tickling before plunging deeply into the brunette's mouth, massaging her tongue along the length of Liv's own. One of Olivia's hands had strayed to the back of Alex's head, buried in long flowing tendrils of champagne coloured hair, while the other was trailing upwards from her hip, skirting along her ribs and growing dangerously close to fondling the attorney's breast. Wrenching herself away with no small amount of reluctance, the detective gasped, panting heavily, pupils wide as her desire spiked.

"And that's why I think it's a good job we still go out, at least for the moment," she chuckled when she had reined her hormones in again to a more manageable level.

With a grudging smile, Alex nodded her agreement, her own skin flushed with a healthy pink hue following the passionate exchange. Her body yearned for them to continue, for her to grab Olivia's hand and to place it over the breast which had very nearly been caressed but her brain knew that stopping, slowing things down and resetting to neutral was more advisable. Still, she couldn't help but long for the day when they wouldn't have to draw back, couldn't help but hope that it wasn't too far in the future when they could at least engage in something more than the kisses they had already exchanged. With a final feral growl of disappointment, she barked, "come on then, let's go and watch Carmichael squirm!"

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 4<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**11.57**_

_**Ivy Martin Centre, Midtown**_

"Miss Cabot, how wonderful to see you," a short, stout, older woman greeted warmly as Alex and Olivia stepped through the door.

"Mrs Kenyon, thank you. I'd like you to meet a very good friend of mine, Olivia Benson. She's a detective with the Manhattan Special Victims' Unit, we work together." Alex shook the palm extended to her before releasing it and ushering Liv forward to do the same.

"Very nice to meet you, Olivia."

"You too, Mrs Kenyon. Alex has told me a little about the work you do here, just the tip of the iceberg I'm sure but I have to say I'm in awe from what she has said. It sounds like a wonderful project to be involved with," the brunette stated, in her usual charming manner.

"We do what we can to make things a little more normal for the children who come here, somewhere away from the hospitals and the needles and drugs and people constantly worrying about them. We do always have a paediatric nurse on hand in case of any emergencies and such but for the most part, everyone comes here just to be normal children," the kindly charity worker explained, casting a fond glance over her shoulder to where the day's guests were happily mixing, wandering from activity to activity. "Of course, it wouldn't exist without the generous support we receive from Miss Cabot's Foundation."

"Nonsense, I'm sure there would be no end of benefactors to support such a worthy cause," Alex argued, waving away the praise dismissively. "I believe another friend of ours is currently volunteering here; Abbie Carmichael?"

"You know Abbie? Oh she's a darling girl, comes in as often as she can. The kids adore her. In fact, one of them follows her around everywhere. Whatever activity Abbie's running, that's where you'll find Lola – even if it's not something she can physically take part in, Abbie lets her sit with her and help organise it. We'll be very sorry to see her leave when she has to go back to Washington." Mrs Kenyon beckoned them to follow her, leading them through to a secondary room, smaller than the one they had seen off the entrance lobby. There sitting amidst a bank of throw cushions and pillows was Abbie, surrounded by a sea of children of varying ages, reading them a story. Sure enough, right beside her was a young girl who looked to be no more than seven years old, curled into Abbie's side sucking on her thumb. Her skin, which should have been a rich milk chocolate colour, held a pallor which telegraphed the sickness ravaging her frail body. Around her head was wrapped a brightly coloured bandana with cartoon characters adorning it and though she was clearly fighting a tiring battle against the cancer within her, her eyes were alive with life and light and mischief. The gathered crowd of youngsters gave a rousing cheer as Abbie turned the last page of the story book, some mimicking her voice she had given to one of the characters. Alex and Liv shared an adoring smile as they watched their mutual friend acting so naturally despite being so far out of her usual comfort zone.

"Um…hi! What are you doing here?" Abbie asked nervously as she approached the two women, her little shadow still trailing along behind her.

"We…uh…we actually came to see if you wanted to join us for lunch?" Liv explained with a slightly sheepish grin.

"No you're not. You're here to spy on me, aren't you?" the Texan asked, hands on hips, tongue poking into her cheek as she called the duo out.

"We really do want you to join us…but we may have been hoping that Kate might come along too," Alex confessed.

"Miss Abbie?" a little voice said from beside the tall, gangly brunette.

"Yeah honey?" Abbie replied, her tone and demeanour instantly changing to a surprisingly natural maternal one.

"Do you _have_ to go?" The US Attorney crouched down so that she was face to face with Lola.

"I do for now, sweetie, but you remember what I said about next weekend?" The little girl nodded, her expression a mixture of sorrow and excitement. "I'll be with you all day next Saturday so we can read some more stories and we can carry on with your collage of pictures of your family and maybe, if there's time, we'll see about decorating some cookies. What do you say? Is that sounding good fun?" This time, the nod was more vigorous, more enthusiastic. "Okay then, why don't you go see if Magda's got those paints set up yet? I'll come and say bye before I go, I promise." Lola skipped off, appeased by her adult friend's assurances.

"You have a real fan there," Olivia commented gently, having found the exchange adorable.

"She's a sweetheart and such a trooper. I mean obviously from looking at her you can tell she's ill but she never lets it stop her, never expects anyone to tell her she can't do something because of her cancer. She'll take it if you tell her she's too young or too small but never if you say she's too ill. I've met some of the most incredible kids - and parents – here since I first came. I definitely feel like I shouldn't complain about whatever's going on in my life when I see some of what these families are going through," Abbie stated, shaking her head in awe.

"It's hearing stories from volunteers like you that remind me perfectly of why this is where I choose to truly celebrate the work the Foundation is able to do every year. It's not just the lives of those who access the services that can be changed by the projects we support but those of the men and women who give up their time to help run them as well," Alex mentioned with sincerity. "Promise me, when you go back to DC, you won't stop volunteering? Promise you that you'll find something there where you can do this too?" she begged of her friend, seeing how relaxed and at peace Abbie was.

"I certainly plan on it if I can find something similar that'll have me. Here, I had the power of your name and the Foundation behind me!" Abbie remarked, only half in jest, knowing that she had minimal ties or influence in Washington thanks to her dedication to her job and not having made an effort to put down roots beyond the most shallow kind with the women whose lives she had drifted in and out of.

"Hey Abs, have you seen…? Oh sorry, I didn't realise you were with someone. It doesn't matter, I'll…" a woman blustered having wandered into the room, already calling out to the Texan before she laid eyes on her.

"It's ok, Kate. These are a couple of friends of mine, Olivia Benson and Alex Cabot. Alex, Olivia, this is Kate O'Shea, another of the volunteers here at the centre who has been kind enough to take me under her wing and show me the ropes," Abbie made introductions as she beckoned the flame-haired woman over to join their huddle.

Green eyes widened to their fullest as Kate approached. "Cabot? As in, _the_ Alex Cabot of the Wish-makers Foundation?" When Alex nodded her confirmation, Kate launched herself at her, wrapping her arms around her in a fierce hug and murmuring, "thank you, oh thank you, thank you," over and over again. Alex was momentarily stunned into inaction but she was soon returning the older woman's embrace. Abbie and Olivia stood looking on, their own reactions somewhere between amused and intensely proud of Alex.

"You're welcome," the attorney murmured after a while, drawing back from Abbie's current infatuation with an understanding smile.

"My daughter, Erin, came here in the months before she died. It made all the difference to her…to both of us really. Your Foundation not only gave us this wonderful centre though, Erin was one of the lucky children to have one final holiday." Turning to Olivia and Abbie, she gripped Alex's hand between both of her own. "This wonderful woman allowed my daughter to fulfil her dream of going kayaking. Erin didn't care that it was in a swimming pool with a wave machine turned on or that there were carers there controlling the kayak. What mattered was that she did it." She spun back around to Alex again. "I'll never be able to thank you enough for allowing her some fun during those months which were otherwise Hell on Earth. When she finally fell asleep for the last time in my arms, she did so with a smile on her face remembering that holiday." Tears pricked Alex's eyes as she listened to Kate's story, her lower lip trembling slightly as she fought to retain her composure. The kids got to her every time.

"I'm so sorry you lost Erin," she said when she found her voice, though it was still thick with emotion. "I'm glad the centre and the Foundation could give you both a little bit of respite though." There was a brief silence until Abbie remembered that Kate had been asking her something when she came into the room.

"What was it you were looking for, Kate?" she asked, touching the redhead casually at the small of her back, as though it was a naturally occurring phenomenon between them. Liv and Alex exchanged a sly sideways glance of acknowledgement, both allowing small smiles to tug at their lips.

"What? Oh…uh not what, who…I was looking for Trey, have you seen him?" Kate asked, a faint blush colouring her pale skin as she realised she had been sidetracked from her intended mission.

"Oh yeah, poor little buddy got sick so Anya took him to lay down for a while 'til his Mom could come collect him," Abbie supplied with a grimace.

"Great, thanks. Mom's just arrived, I'll send her to the office." Kate turned to the two visitors, "excuse me and apologies for interrupting. It was really nice meeting you."

"Kate?" Abbie called as the flame-haired woman turned to leave.

"Yeah?" Kate spun on her heel still walking backwards towards the door, not wanting to keep Trey's mom waiting any longer.

"Alex and Olivia have invited us to join them for lunch, if you'd be interested?" Abbie was unusually coy as she extended the invitation to the woman she was rapidly befriending.

"Really?" Kate gawped, looking from Abbie to the two silent women, noticing the closeness of their body language; the way they stood with their arms just brushing against one another's, they way their chests rose and fell almost in perfect tandem, the way the nodded in synchronised fashion. She filed the information away in her memory for consideration later, wondering if she was jumping to conclusions or if there was in fact something deeper than friendship between the beautiful pair. Not that it would bother her if they were lovers, she was all for equal opportunities even if she'd never considered it herself. Realising that she'd been silent for far too long and was staring like some star-struck idiot at Alex, she hurriedly answered, "I'd love to. Are you ok to give me five minutes or do you want to go on and I'll meet you somewhere?"

"It's fine, we can wait as long as you need," Olivia assured her with a smile. The smile broadened as Kate dashed from the room and the brunette turned her attention to a fidgeting Texan. "She seems sweet."

"Please don't make a big deal of me…and her…and…we're just friends. Hell I don't even know if she…considers women as lovers," Abbie finished with a groan, hiding her face in her hands.

"Abbie, it's ok. We're not here to make you uncomfortable. It's not too late to back out. You could take Kate for lunch and we'll do our own thing," Alex backtracked, concerned that their presence was putting too much pressure on the brunette.

"No…no, it's…it's not that I don't want you to meet her and get to know her but just…" Olivia was finding tongue-tied Abbie amusing in an endearing way.

"We'll behave, I promise," the brunette assured her friend. "Abbie…" she began with a slight frown as something the Texan had previously said registered, "…be careful, ok? Neither of us wants to see you hurting over a woman you grow to care for who can't give you that same affection back."

"I know. Gah, I'm probably just making an idiot out of myself, aren't I?" the attorney sighed, shoulders slumping in defeat.

Olivia stepped forward, taking hold of Abbie's forearm. "I'm not saying that, I just don't want you getting your hopes up only to have them dashed."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 4<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**12.34**_

_**Top Table Bistro, Midtown**_

"So how do you two know Abbie?" Kate asked across the table, as the foursome sat sipping at a variety of drinks and waiting for their food to be delivered. Her faint lilting Irish accent leant every word a melodic effect.

Olivia was the first to offer a reply, "I've known Abbie for years, from when she worked at the DA's office here before she became a bigshot US Attorney. At the time, there weren't that many women around the place so those of us who were there tended to gravitate towards one another…and I've been trying to shake her off ever since." The last statement was accompanied by a teasing wink thrown in Abbie's direction who childishly poked her tongue out at the detective in response.

Alex gently slapped Olivia's arm from beside her in admonishment for her dismissal of hers and Abbie's friendship. "I knew Abbie in passing when she was at the DA's office too but we've really become friends over the last few months since we started working together on a case," she supplied to explain her own connection to the Texan, glossing over quite how close they had become during that time.

"And the two of you work together?" Kate asked, indicating that she was referring to Alex and Olivia.

"We do. I'm the brawn, she's the brains," Liv jested with a wide grin.

"It's true," Alex concurred, flicking her hair haughtily over her shoulder and puffing her chest out with inflated self-importance.

Kate couldn't help but laugh at the pair's antics, already seeing why Abbie connected easily with them.

"Urgh, please don't encourage them," Abbie groaned with a roll of her eyes before letting out a small laugh of her own. Despite her protestations, she was infinitely grateful to both of them for trying to put Kate at ease.

"Oh let them have their fun," Kate replied, nudging Abbie with a gentle shoulder barge and a wide smile, clearly enjoying herself.

"Do you work, Kate?" Alex asked, attempting to steer them back to a more adult conversation.

"I do, though it's nothing fancy or exciting like you all do. I work at sales in an electronics store so if ever you're in the market for a new DVD player or television or anything, I'm your woman," the redhead explained without flourish, not ashamed of what she did for a living but feeling it was rather mundane in comparison to her companions' professions.

"That sounds good. I've just moved into a new apartment so if I find there's anything I need, I'll be sure to come and see you, if you'll let us know where your store is? In fact, what do you think about getting a sound system for the second bedroom?" Liv addressed her latter question to Alex. Kate's eyebrows raised slightly as she turned to Abbie with a question in her eyes which was answered with a quick shake of the Texan's head. Whether that meant don't ask or that no, Olivia and Alex hadn't moved in together she wasn't entirely clear although the detective had referred to it as _her_ new apartment and not _theirs_.

"I think there's nothing wrong with just getting another docking station for an i-pod. It's not like someone's going to be using that room every day, so why spend money on an expensive set up that will only rarely be used? If you really want to upgrade, why don't you switch it around, have the new system in the lounge and put your old one you already have in either your room or the second bedroom?" Alex countered reasonably, touched that Liv wanted to make the room as comfortable as possible for her but not wanting it to be unnecessarily lavish.

"That sounds like a good plan," Abbie chipped in. "You wanna make sure you have the best stuff in the rooms you're going to be living in most. No point in hiding it away."

"Ok, I guess that makes sense. Whatever you're comfortable with," Liv told Alex with a tender smile. Alex couldn't help but melt slightly at the amount of adoration in Olivia's expression, her eyes drifting towards those full lips which had kissed her so thoroughly earlier in the day.

"It's your home, Liv…" the attorney protested softly.

"And we already agreed that the second bedroom is going to be your space in my apartment, so I want your input into what goes in there. I want it to be your home from home," the brunette stated firmly but lovingly.

Kate leaned across to whisper in Abbie's ear, "ok I get they don't live together but they're seeing one another, right? They're more than just friends, aren't they?"

"Yeah," Abbie murmured softly enough that her friends wouldn't hear her. "Does that bother you?"

The redhead drew back slightly with a frown and whispered, "God no!" in response. "I just wanted to be sure so I didn't say anything stupid to them. I'd rather your friends don't think I'm an idiot."

"Since you're not an idiot, I'd dare to say that would be impossible," Abbie responded softly, allowing a little of her own attraction to show, testing the waters.

With a light peel of laughter, Kate replied, "you're only saying that 'cause I haven't let you see that side of me yet. Stick around, you'll soon seen how stupid I usually am."

"Oh really? So what's this then? Are you trying to impress me by being someone other than yourself?" Though her tone was teasing, Abbie was genuinely concerned that Kate didn't feel comfortable enough to relax around her.

"No, I'm just saving some of my more… 'special' traits for when you know me better, when it's harder for me to scare you off," Kate informed the Texan with a soft blush.

"Kate," Abbie grumbled, reaching beneath the table to squeeze her newest friend's hand briefly.

Any further conversation was interrupted by the arrival of their food. They each directed their server where to deposit the plates until each woman was faced with the sustenance they had ordered.

"Your wrap looks good," Alex stated as she eyed Kate's lunch over her own Caesar salad.

"It's huge! Want to share with me?" the redhead queried, adding, "I'll never eat all this by myself."

"I'm fine with my salad but thanks," Alex replied with a smile, touched by the generosity of Kate's offer but not feeling comfortable with literally taking food out of her mouth.

"Abbie, what about you? You want to help me out with this beast?" the redhead then asked, turning to the woman seated beside her.

Rather than answering outright, Abbie switched her focus to the pair across the table. "Have either of you ever known me to turn down food?"

"Umm no," Liv confirmed, flashing a grin as she picked up one of her own chunky fries and swirled it in the small mountain of mayo on her plate before slipping it between her lips.

Abbie sniggered. "You…uh…you've left a little sauce behind there, Benson. Real classy."

"Where?" Liv demanded, trying to hide her mortification but unable to prevent the growing blush spreading up her cheeks. Alex's steady hand on her chin, brought her face around to the blonde's.

With the softest of touches, the attorney told her, "right here," swiping the offending traces of white gloop from the top of Olivia's lip with her thumb. Without thinking, Liv captured the retreating hand by the wrist, closing her lips around the digit which had so casually cleansed her face. Alex swallowed her moan as a bolt of intense arousal shot through her, triggered by the feel of the brunette's tongue swirling around her thumb and the heat of the mouth in which the digit had been encased.

"Yeah…uh…there," Abbie stuttered, feeling her own skin flush at the rather erotic display.

"Thanks," Liv muttered huskily as she released Alex's thumb, suddenly fascinated by the food in front of her.

"You're welcome," Alex replied, reaching for a napkin and wiping her hands on it before shuffling her chair a little closer to the table…and closer to Olivia.

It was then Abbie's turn to offer thanks as she looked down at her own plate to find a sizeable chunk of Kate's wrap nestled amongst her own lunch. "You want anything of mine, help yourself," she offered, nudging the laden plate towards the woman beside her.

Alex almost choked as her mind interpreted Abbie's words in an entirely different manner to which they were intended. Olivia was immediately attending to the blonde, patting her on the back and offering to fetch her a glass of water. Alex waved away her fussing, assuring the older woman that she was fine but all the same didn't object as Liv kept one arm draped casually across the back of her seat.

Kate eyed the two of them, the ease with which they invaded one another's personal space without a second thought, thinking that it must be nice to have someone you felt that comfortable with in your life. Even with Erin's father, whom she had believed to be the love of her life at the time, she had never felt at ease with his public displays of affection, sensing that they came more from a place of possessiveness than from genuine love for her.

"Do you have any other children, Kate?" Olivia asked gently, wary of broaching the subject but wanting to know more about the mysterious redhead.

"Unfortunately not, no. Erin was my only one but she was all I needed while I had her. I know I'm biased and every parent would say the same but my daughter was a truly beautiful creature, inside and out, always laughing and smiling and seeing the good in the world…even when it wasn't being so good to her." Kate put her utensils down, reaching into her pocket for her cell phone. Scrolling through the index of photos in the memory, she pulled up her favourite shot of her daughter, taken just a few months before she was diagnosed. Handing the device over to the detective, she stated, "that pictures sums up all that Erin was. It's how I'll always remember her." The image showed a younger version of Kate, with matching flame-red hair and vibrant green eyes which sparkled with life and a sense of mischief. Erin was hugging an adorably fluffy puppy and laughing heartily, the essence of a happy little girl.

"She was gorgeous," Alex stated, having leant over Liv's shoulder to look at the picture.

"She was," the brunette agreed warmly, handing the phone back across the table, placing it in Abbie's outstretched palm.

"It's a fantastic photo, a great way to remember her," Abbie told Kate as she passed her phone to her.

"I still miss her, all the time, but being at the centre helps. Being around those kids who are so like her in the way they're fighting against their illnesses makes it feel less like I've lost her somehow. It's hard to explain," Kate grumbled, wishing she could articulate what she meant.

"I know exactly what you mean," Liv supplied softly. "I lost someone close to me, my lover, a couple of months ago. It happened very suddenly and unexpectedly but being around places, people, things that remind me of her, they keep her alive in my heart."

"I…uh…sorry I thought you and Alex were…" Kate stammered, looking to Abbie accusingly as though she had lied to her.

"We are…but it's very new. It's a crazy, complicated tale but there's always been a connection between Alex and I, a strong bond but the time's never been right to do anything about it before now. Losing Sam – my previous partner – that taught me that life's too short and that you have to take your chances when they come to you. If you're lucky enough to find something, some_one_, special, you have to grab onto it with both hands and not let go, no matter what." As she spoke, Olivia turned to look at Alex, allowing her to see the sincerity of her words. The younger woman reached out to stroke her cheek with the backs of her fingers, offering her an adoring smile.

"I'm sorry, I just assumed you'd been together a while. You seem so natural, so at ease with one another." Both Alex and Olivia waved off Kate's apologies. "Well, I am sorry, that you lost your previous lover but I'm glad you've finally been given the chance to explore what you have with Alex. I've only just met you but even I can see that it's definitely something special. And while I wouldn't wish the death of a loved one on anyone, we can both at least say that we have something good which has come from it. You have Alex and I have my voluntary work at the centre and all the wonderful people that's bringing into my life." Kate looked towards Abbie, meeting her gaze as she added, "without Erin's illness, I'd probably never have met you and for that, my life would definitely have been poorer."

Abbie reached out and took hold of Kate's closest hand in one of her own, cradling it tenderly. "I wouldn't have wished it on you either but I'm glad we've had the chance to know one another too." Kate felt an unfamiliar sensation settle over her as she looked in Abbie's soft, brown eyes. It wasn't unpleasant, not in the slightest, more of an unexpected fluttering in the pit of her stomach. The last time she could recall feeling anything like it was during one of the few dates she had gone on since Erin's father had left them. Her companion that evening, Harry, had been a charming man, of around her own age, who had experienced issues with a television set he had been sold by the store she worked in. Her kind manner and professional approach had seen him requesting to deal with her again when he had had to return a second time thanks to an intermittent fault with one of the internal parts, of which it transpired the manufacturers were aware but were reluctant to do anything proactive about. She had fought the cause on his behalf and secured him a replacement set, a different model with higher specifications in compensation for his trouble. He had asked her to join him for lunch that same day as a thank you, which she had accepted after checking with her manager that she wasn't prohibited from doing so. Her manager had in fact encouraged it, suggesting that she do whatever she needed to keep Harry sweet in the hopes he would use their store again for future purchases. She had promptly invited her boss to rethink his statement as it could be viewed as a suggestion she prostitute herself for the sake of sales – it had earned her a profuse apology and an additional half hour lunch-break so she could relax for a while without clock watching. Harry had wooed her over the course of their lunch and she had felt those same thrills chasing down her spine when he had pressed a gallant kiss to the back of her hand as they parted ways. A brief, passionate though short-lived affair had followed, the sex very satisfying but the conversation and the companionship non-existent. She had been neither surprised nor devastated when he regretfully informed her they could no longer see one another. There was no way she could attribute the same reasoning to Abbie though, could she? Surely it was just an automatic response to the chemistry Alex and Olivia were exhibiting combined with the tender friendly affection the Texan was showing her, wasn't it? Taking stock of her increased heart rate and a distinctly flushed feeling in her cheeks, Kate wasn't entirely convinced she could say that it was with any great certainty…and she had absolutely no idea what to do with that information. So she did the only thing she felt comfortable doing, she retrieved her hand with a soft smile of her own and excused herself to the ladies' room.

The other three women watched her go, each with their own thoughts about her abrupt retreat. Abbie was immediately concerned that the talk of Erin had distressed her friend and went to follow, wanting to make sure she was ok.

"Would you mind if I go talk to her?" Alex asked, surprising both brunette. She had watched the flashes of confusion passing through Kate's emerald eyes and suspected she might have more of an insight into what the woman was experiencing. Olivia was a little troubled. Kate's reaction to the subtle overtures Abbie had made combined with what the Texan had previously mentioned regarding her lack of insight into Kate's openness to pursue relationships with women pricked her conscience, alarm bells ringing in her head.

"Stay here Abs. Let Alex go. You know you can trust her to have your best interests in mind," the detective stated, supporting her partner.

The US Attorney had a moment of indecision before sinking back into her seat, pushing her plate with the remnants of her lunch away from her, appetite depleted. "Shit…" she muttered quietly, screwing her napkin up and tossing it disgustedly onto the table.

"Don't do that. Don't think the worst before you know what's what," Liv cautioned, knowing only too well how destructive that path of thought could be. "But Abbie, if she doesn't want anything more than friendship from you, would you be able to cope with that and still volunteer at the centre?"

"I'd have to be, there's no way I'd let Lola and the other kids down like that. They're already going through enough without me disappointing them too…even though I know I'll do it eventually, just like I screw up everything," the Texan spat, her bitterness directed solely at herself.

"No, you don't. You've never managed to do anything to screw up our friendship," Liv tried to console her friend.

"Not for lack of trying though. I mean look at the stunt I pulled with Alex. You have every reason to hate me for my part in that," Abbie protested hotly, almost daring the detective to deny it.

"But I don't because even though I might not like it, I do understand it. I don't hate you because if I did, I'd have to hate Alex and I'd have to hate myself too and I refuse to let hate dictate my life. You're my friend Abs and as much as you drive me crazy sometimes, I love you and wouldn't want you to be any different." Liv reached across the table, gently squeezing Abbie's restless hand. "Now pick your bottom lip up off the floor, stop sulking and act like you enjoy my company would ya?" she requested with a wink.

Alex leant against the edge of the counter housing the washbasins, waiting for Kate to emerge from one of the stalls. She watched the redhead's steps falter slightly as she saw the attorney standing, arms folded across her chest, one ankle resting over the other, toes of that foot pointed to the tiles. Kate walked to the bank of sinks, turning on the faucet and proceeding to wash her hands silently.

"Abbie cares for you a great deal," Alex stated, making no attempt to mask her reasons for being there.

"I care for her too. She's coming to be someone I consider a good friend," Kate replied carefully, furiously lathering up her hands with the liquid soap provided.

"And that's all she can ever be to you? A friend?" Alex probed, never altering her position.

"I…uh…" Kate stammered, a blush racing up her cheeks.

"I realise I've only just met you and you have absolutely no reason to think that I'm not just prying into something that's none of my business but Abbie is a good woman who doesn't risk her heart, not ever. All I'm asking of you is that you're honest with her, even if you think it's something she doesn't want to hear. Better that she knows the truth from the beginning than builds her hopes up only to have them shattered further down the line," Alex told her.

"I've never…it's not something I've…ever really considered," the redhead confessed uncertainly, stepping around Alex to dry her hands.

"Then that's what you should tell Abbie," the attorney responded calmly. "Can I ask you…would you, if the circumstances were right…would being in a relationship with another woman be something you'd think about?" Seeing the conflicting emotions once again dancing in her audience's expression, "if you can't answer that right now, that's ok but please, at least think about it before you talk to Abbie."

"When she held my hand…and looked at me like that…I felt…" A frown furrowed across Kate's smooth, pale brow. She huffed in frustration, wringing her hands in front of her despite them now being thoroughly dried.

Alex reached out and grasped the restless limbs with her own hands. "What did you feel? Butterflies in your stomach? A tingling in your spine? Like you never wanted her to stop looking at you but like it was too much all at the same time?"

"Yeah, that about sums it up," Kate breathed, flashing a tight smile the blonde's way. "I…I've only felt like that when men I've been attracted to touched me before. It's…It just unsettled me to find my body reacting to a woman."

"Honey, you need to talk to Abbie. She's sitting out there right now, probably thinking that she's blown her friendship with you because she can't keep her feelings for you hidden. She'll understand. We've all been there, we've all experienced that first time being attracted to someone we never expected to be. It doesn't have to result in anything if you don't want it to and it may well pass without you ever feeling the need to act on it but there's also a chance that it could open the door to something wonderful. Isn't that what life's about, taking chances?" Alex pushed herself off from the counter, stepping towards the older woman with a gentle smile. "Come on, let's get back out there before Carmichael convinces herself you've run off to some backwater town to join the circus or some such nonsense!"

Abbie spied the two women walking towards the table, their heads bent close together conspiratorially. She released a breath she hadn't been aware she was holding when Kate released a melodic peal of laughter. Her troubled expression didn't quite clear though and as they neared the table, Kate slid into the seat beside her, leaning in close and murmuring, "I need to talk to you later, after lunch. Come home with me?" The Texan nodded numbly, heart pounding in her ears as she considered all the ways the redhead could tell her to get out of her life and stay out of it. A swift kick to her shin beneath the table saw her wincing. She fired an agitated glare in Olivia's direction but found the brunette looking back at her intently.

Liv mouthed clearly, "don't assume the worst," before feeding a fry to Alex, who accepted it without protest, chewing on it thoughtfully as she watched the two women sitting across from them.

At length, to break the somewhat tense silence, Alex asked, "so Liv, how would you feel about me dragging you shopping now that you've been fed? I feel inspired to decorate that spare room of yours."

"I say, lead on Miss Cabot. Your bedroom awaits!"


	64. Chapter 64

_**Disclaimer: See Chapter one. **_

_**Big thanks to all those who have commented on the story up to this point, I'm loving reading your thoughts every bit as much as I'm enjoying writing the story :) I think this may be the first chapter in the entire story (I know, impossible to believe) to contain a sccene that doesn't have either Alex or Olivia in it! Shocking I know, but Muse wanted to follow Kate and Abbie, just for a little while...and don't worry, there is still plenty of AO-ness in the chapter.**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 4<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**13.47**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

"Come in. Take a seat. Can I get you anything to drink?" Kate fussed as she bustled Abbie into her home for the first time. The other occasions when they'd spent time together away from the centre, it had been at a coffee shop or diner, never somewhere so personal to either of them. Her nerves were fraying at the prospect of what she needed to discuss with the tall, dark-haired attorney, feeling completely out of her depth and uncertain of how or where to begin.

"A glass of water would be great, thanks," Abbie replied, standing awkwardly in the middle of the lived-in looking lounge, hands rammed into the pockets of her jeans.

"Coming right up. Please, sit down, you'll make the place look untidy," Kate joked lamely, attempting to put them both at ease.

Abbie sank heavily into the nearest chair as Kate fled the room. She reached up with shaking hands and scrubbed her face, trying to calm her inner turmoil to a more manageable level. This entire situation was reminding her of why she usually kept her heart out of the equation when selecting bed-mates.

"Here you go," Kate announced, placing the tall tumbler of water Abbie had requested on the short bookcase beside the chair where the brunette sat. "Are you ok? Do you have a headache?" She was genuinely concerned by the defeated posture of her friend, whose head was resting in upturned palms, elbows propped on her knees, fingers entwined in the silky, dark locks. "I can get you something to take for it if you need it?"

"No…no I'm fine, really. Thanks for the water." Abbie, picked up the glass taking a sip before growling at the way it shook in her hands. "Can we just get this over with?" she moaned. "Give it to me plainly. I'm a big girl, I can take it. If you're not interested, I can live with being your friend and nothing more."

Kate perched on the edge of her two-seater sofa, mirroring Abbie's pose with elbows resting on her knees, upper torso hunched over, leaning towards the younger woman. "Abbie, I…I'm confused about what it is I feel for you. I've never looked at a woman and considered them as a potential lover, it's just not something that's ever even crossed my mind." The redhead held up one hand to forestall Abbie's interjection, needing to get it all off her chest before she lost her nerve. "But today, at lunch, when you held my hand and you looked at me like I was something precious, something special, I can't deny that my body reacted strongly to it. I don't know that that means I'm ready or able to do anything about it though. I'm sorry I can't give you a definitive yes or no and I don't expect you to put your life on hold while I figure out if it's something I want."

The Texan swallowed the lump in her throat, sucking up her pride and looked directly at her friend. "Thank you…for being honest with me." She took a deep breath, fortifying herself before continuing. "I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable and I will never, intentionally, overstep the boundaries between friendship and more with you unless at some point down the line you decide that's what you want. I don't want to lose you as a friend and I don't want for this to be awkward between us. Can we just please forget that you know I find you attractive?"

"I don't want to forget it. If I do then I'll never seriously think about the idea of being with you…and I owe it to you and to myself to do that. Alex reminded me that life is about taking chances when they come along. I don't want to miss an opportunity to be happy because of fear of the unknown. Would you mind if we talked about…being attracted to women? I mean in general terms."

"Ok, sure," Abbie agreed a little warily but accepting that it was only fair to be prepared to give Kate some guidance, given that she was the more experienced out of the two of them on the subject matter. "What do you want to know?"

Kate took a moment to consider that question before launching into her fact-finding mission. "I guess… umm, have you always known you were attracted to women? I mean, have you never slept with a man or wanted to?"

"I've known for a long, long time that my preference for a partner would be female, at least since I was in my teens and understood why I was different from my girlfriends. But even before that, I wanted to be one of the boys who chased after girls in kiss-chase rather than being kissed or chased by the boys. As for sleeping with men, it's not something that's ever appealed to me and I've never met a man who I would voluntarily climb into bed with." She alluded to her past, to the rape which had tormented her for many years until one particular case she had assisted Jack McCoy with, during her tenure as ADA under him, set her free from the notion she was to blame for what had happened. Still, it wasn't a topic she felt comfortable discussing and she didn't want Kate to think that her sexual preference had been decided as a result of that event.

"Where I grew up, it just wasn't something that was discussed. No one in our town was in an openly gay or lesbian relationship and so it wasn't until much later, when I moved away and opened my eyes to the wider world that I even realised it was something that happened. By then, I'd had it so ingrained in me that men were meant to be with women and women with men that I never thought to challenge that belief. Certainly no one I met caused me to do so. Don't get me wrong, I've never been a chest-thumping bigot who demanded that anyone I met who felt differently renounce their ways or anything, I just always thought that they were different to me somehow, that they were born different, so what applied to me didn't to them and vice versa," Kate stated with a frown, hoping she wasn't inadvertently offending her friend.

"That is true for some people. Many people go through their entire lives without being attracted, even in passing, to a member of their own gender or, in the case of those who prefer their own sex, to the opposite gender. For others, sexuality is a more fluid, less rigidly defined concept with a lot more shades of grey to navigate. They might be attracted to one gender or the other or both depending on where they are in their lives. For me, personally, I can't ever see me wanting a sexual relationship with a man but that doesn't mean I don't recognise what may make a guy attractive to other women. I don't think there really is a right or wrong when it comes to finding that connection with someone. After all, who am I to tell anyone else who they can or can't love if I'm not willing to let another tell me the same? We're all different, we're all unique and that's what makes the world such a wonderful, exciting place to live in. It's also what can make it heartbreaking and cruel too," Abbie finished with a shrug, the conversation having taken a far deeper and more philosophical turn than she had been expecting but a turn with which she was comfortable.

Kate took another long moment to consider Abbie's words and to prepare her next question, one she felt awkward asking but was also experiencing a burning need to know the answer. "When you…sleep with a woman…do you…I mean are you totally fulfilled by it? You don't feel like there's anything missing?" She groaned and buried her flushed face in her hands. "Urgh I sound like a customer satisfaction survey!"

Abbie released a small laugh at the self-deprecation, wanting desperately to reach out and reassure her friend that it was ok, it was natural to be curious about such things and that she was safe asking her. She refrained from touching the redhead in deference to maintaining Kate's level of comfort with talking so candidly and in case it was viewed as a passive aggressive attempt to seduce her. "For me, yes, it is a wholly satisfying experience having sex with a woman…so long as you choose a suitable partner. I'd imagine it's the same with women as it is with men, that some lovers are more skilled and more attentive to their partner's needs than others so it does depend on the individuals involved. But no, I've never really found anything lacking, in a physical sense. Women have plenty of available equipment with which to stimulate another's body…and if a partner wishes to be penetrated by more traditional means, there are almost limitless options for synthetic phalluses to cater to that need. It's something you can only know by trial and error. You can't predict in advance that it will work for you just as you can't know for certain that it won't. It's for each person to trust their partner enough to experiment as much as they need to until they find what does work for them both." It was Abbie's turn to ask a question, genuinely intrigued by the answer she might receive. "Have you always found sex with men gave you what you needed? Was every partner you've had concerned with giving you an orgasm?"

"Not always…but then I was raised to believe that sex was more about procreation than about enjoyment. I realise now it can be both of course but sometimes it's been more of a means to an end, an expected duty to be performed, than something to look forward to or an expression of love. There've been…uh…more times than I care to admit when I've been left teetering on the brink only for my partner to satisfy himself, pull out, roll over and fall asleep!"

Abbie winced, knowing that feeling from the few times she too had been left unsatisfied when a lover's stamina waned before she had peaked herself. "It happens occasionally with women too, although not often I have to admit. There's usually been a definite sense of being in it together whenever I've slept with a woman…and I believe multiple orgasms are more common among lesbians than straight women enjoy," she added with a smirk, actually surprising herself with how fun she was beginning to find their topic of conversation. She had never been coy about sex or how much she like having it. She saw no reason to change now. If Kate was even going to consider moving their relationship beyond the platonic friendship they shared, she would have to know that Abbie was indeed a sexual creature with a healthy appetite.

"I don't know if I'd have the stamina for that," Kate confessed with a blush, leaning back into the cushions of the sofa as she grew more comfortable, glad that Abbie wasn't shying away from talking to her, even adding her usual dose of humour into the mix which gave her hope that no matter what, things wouldn't be unspeakably awkward for any length of time.

"You'd be surprised what your body's capable of given the right stimulation and encouragement," Abbie practically purred, voice laden with sexual innuendo as she too leant back in her seat, casually resting the ankle of one leg over the knee of the other, forearms braced against the chair's arms. "It's not just about sex though, being with a woman. That's not the only aspect of a relationship that differs from a traditional heterosexual partnership. Women are intuitive by nature so we can pick up on one another's moods more easily. We still might not understand what triggers those moods or how to improve them but I think we have more empathy around when to approach and when to steer clear and give each other space."

"You make it sound so easy," Kate stated hopefully.

"It's just love at the end of the day. Nothing more scary or mysterious than that," Abbie replied sincerely offering her friend a soft smile and a tiny nonchalant shrug. Kate nodded thoughtfully, her expression pensive and guarded.

"Do you want more than sex with me or is your attraction purely physical?" she asked fixing Abbie with an unwavering stare, green eyes penetrating her defences in an almost hypnotic fashion.

"I find you physically attractive, I can't deny that, but…I don't normally pursue anything other than casual relationships with women. I sleep with women, a mutual release of physical need, then I move on. But recently…I don't know why or what it means but I've been wanting more. I see the connection between Olivia and Alex and I hear about Liv's relationship with Sam and I realise that I've been missing the best part of sharing that intimacy with someone else, the part that makes it mean more than just that simply a physical transaction. I think, for the first time in my life, I'm ready to have a mature, adult relationship, with all that goes with it; the responsibilities, the being faithful and committed to one person, caring about another's needs and wants outside of the bedroom, everything. I want a partner, not just another fuck buddy, I've had plenty of those. And then I met you. The more I get to know you, the more I want to know about you, the more time I want to spend with you doing mundane things like reading stories to the kids at the centre, going out for coffee or to the movie theatre. That's not me, not normally. I don't go on dates, I arrange hook-ups, but for you… for you I want to make an exception. For you, I want as much as you're willing to give me, whatever that might be; friendship or more, I'll take it." Abbie's response was heartfelt, leaving her feeling deeply vulnerable and exposed as demonstrated by her nervous tapping up and down of her foot, bouncing the one resting on her knee manically.

Kate scooted to the edge of the sofa once again, leaning as far forward as she dared without risking toppling off. She reached out with both hands and stilled Abbie's legs, reassuringly squeezing a surprisingly muscular calf. "Give me a little time to sort my head out ok? I promise I won't keep you waiting any longer than I absolutely have to."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 4<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**16.23**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48**__**th**__** Street**_

"Oh my word, that was exhausting!" Alex exclaimed as she flopped bonelessly onto Olivia's couch.

Her brunette companion grunted, depositing the numerous bags she had carried from the car onto the floor beside the sofa. "You can say that again! Why on Earth did I let you convince me I needed all this stuff? The apartment's not even that big, I've no idea where I'm going to put it all," she groaned.

"We'll find places for it. You'd be surprised how much you can fit in when it's organised properly," Alex assured her with a wide grin.

"As opposed to what? The disorganised way I've got it currently? You cheeky…" Liv protested jauntily, buoyed by the ease with which she and Alex had interacted throughout the day, laughing, joking, chatting and just generally enjoying one another's company.

"No…but there is definitely room for improvement here and there," Alex stated calmly, bracing herself for the detective's reaction. She wasn't disappointed as the older woman launched herself at the attorney, tickling her mercilessly.

"I've been in here less than a month, madam. How about cutting me some slack before you diss my new home?" Alex squealed and squirmed beneath Olivia's questing hands, trying to prevent her from getting any purchase on sensitive areas. They wrestled back and forth for a few moments before Liv slumped back onto the opposite side of the couch, breathing hard and laughing merrily. "The flippin' cheek of it!" she cried with mock outrage.

"Oh shush, you wouldn't have caved and bought any of that stuff if you didn't really want it in your home," Alex pointed out smugly, her own chest heaving, cheeks flushed.

"Well, just so you know, you're not leaving here until it's all in place and organised. I'd hate for you to have to tear it apart and re-do it next time you come over when you don't approve of my efforts if left to my own devices," Liv stated facetiously, folding her arms in front of her and sticking one foot out to nudge Alex's nearest knee with her big toe. The attorney moved with lightening quick reflexes to capture the straying limb, gripping it tightly in the crook of one elbow as she attacked it with the fingertips of her free hand, exacting her own style of revenge. This time it was Olivia's turn to yelp as she desperately tried to free her trapped limb and escape Alex's incessant fingers but the blonde hung on with a surprisingly strong hold.

"Ok, ok, ok, I give, you win! I love everything we chose to buy together today and it will look fantastic in here," she pleaded frantically, grappling with Alex's shoulders in an attempt to try and get her to let go. Eventually, the blonde conceded possession of the older woman's limb to prevent either of them coming to any harm in the ensuing melee. Each of them were grinning like fools, their cheeks aching from the width of their smiles.

"Let me catch my breath then I'll make you a drink if you like?" Liv offered, careful to keep a considerable distance between herself and the sneaky attorney, not willing to drop her defences and leave her vulnerable to another stealth attack.

"Sounds good. Want me to start taking some of this through to the spare room?" Alex asked, making to rise from her seat.

"No, it's fine where it is for now. I'd only have to haul it out again when I start to paint in there so it hardly seems worth it," Liv replied warmly. "I was only joking when I said you couldn't leave until it was all in place."

"Well then, in that case, let me make myself useful by making those drinks. I'll let you rest your old bones since you did most of the heavy lifting today," Alex stated with another cheeky grin, knowing she was living dangerously with goading the brunette but unable to resist continuing the dynamic they had settled into throughout the day. She waltzed past Olivia's still seated form on her way to the kitchen, shrieking and dashing out of reach as the detective swatted her backside in response to her flippant remark.

Olivia dragged herself up from her place on the couch, moving the assorted bags containing the day's spoils into a tidier pile so they wouldn't cause a hazard or be a nuisance. Wanting to do everything she could to promote the continuance of the relaxed atmosphere, she picked out a mellow CD to put on as background music, turning the volume down low enough to not hinder conversation but still to be easily audible.

"So tell me what your honest thoughts are about Abbie and Kate," Alex requested as she wandered back into the room with two mugs of coffee and a couple of glasses of juice balanced on a tray, from which she suspected Olivia had eaten many a TV dinner.

Liv accepted the juice with a softly murmured, 'thanks', before addressing the topic of conversation. "I like Kate, I think that she seems like a down to earth, fun, friendly woman. She's not what I'd have expected Abbie to be drawn to but then none of us can ever really accurately predict who we'll fall for, can we?"

"But…" Alex prompted, suspecting the brunette had reservations.

"But I'm worried that Abs is setting herself up to get hurt. She's already showing a keener interest in Kate than I've known her to take in any other woman she's been attracted to. The fact that Kate's never been with a woman, that she's never even thought about being with a woman, that has to ring alarm bells, doesn't it? Should Abbie's first real relationship be with a woman who might only be using her to satisfy some sort of curiosity? Doesn't she deserve to have someone who is genuinely invested in exploring a full, adult relationship, someone who wants to be with her for who she is? Plus there's the whole issue of her only being here temporarily, what happens when she goes back to DC? She's a good friend, I just want what's best for her…and right now, I'm not convinced that Kate is it. Am I being too cynical?" Olivia asked with a frown.

"No, I don't think you're being overly cynical. Like I said earlier, when I was filling you in on what Kate told me in the bathroom, I think they're sweet together and there's definitely a spark of something between them but I'm not sure I see it being a lasting thing either. A big part of me hopes they prove me wrong though – I suppose that's the romantic in me showing. I think, for Abbie's sake though, that we need to keep any concerns we have to ourselves and support her in whatever she decides to do, unless she specifically and directly asks for either of our opinions. If it all goes horribly wrong, we'll just have to be there to pick up the pieces." Alex took a healthy swig from her tumbler of juice, before sliding it back onto the tray on the coffee table. She twisted to sit sideways on the sofa, one leg tucked up under the other, elbow propped on the top of the upright cushion, head cocked to one side leaning on her upturned palm. She gazed across the distance at the brunette, admiring the strong lines of Olivia's jaw, the definition of her cheek bones, the delicacy of her eyelashes. She really was a stunningly beautiful woman and while that revelation was not new to Alex, it was something which had the power to steal her breath every time she took a moment to truly appreciate it.

"I hope it doesn't come to that," Liv murmured, aware of Alex's gaze but not uncomfortable under its heat.

"So do I," the attorney agreed softly.

An intimate quiet settled over them as they both became lost in their own thoughts. The first chords of a lilting melody rang out of the speakers, causing Liv's ears to prick up as she recognised the song as one of her favourites…and when she thought of the words, she realised it was one that applied perfectly to Alex in her mind. She sprung to her feet, turning to look down on the startled blonde who had been drifting quite happily to the music, not expecting any sudden movements from her companion.

Holding out one hand, Olivia requested, "dance with me?"

Heart swelling with love, Alex let herself be pulled from the couch and into a solid yet tender embrace, Olivia's arms resting comfortably around her waist, as the first lines of the song began, Eva Cassidy's clear voice drifting sweetly on the air.

_For you there'll be no crying  
>For you the sun will be shining<br>'Cause I feel that when I'm with you  
>It's alright, I know it's right<em>

Alex let her arms wrap loosely around Olivia's neck, her head naturally falling to rest against the older woman's own, cheek to cheek, as her eyes fluttered closed. The lyrics caressed her senses, warming her soul and filling her with a serene hope of a bright, happy future.

_And the songbirds keep singing  
>Like they know the score<br>And I love you, I love you, I love you  
>Like never before<em>

Orchestral tones complimented by the subtly melodic sound of an acoustic guitar filled the air as the two women swayed together in one another's arms, slowly twirling around the small space of Olivia's lounge. Liv breathed in deeply, inhaling Alex's sweet, fresh scent, revelling in the pleasure of having the younger woman so close to her. It really was true that when Alex was with her, in her arms, everything felt right and all her fears melted away into insignificance. She drew back just far enough to be able to tilt her head to look into clear, content cerulean eyes. With a gentle smile, she held Alex's gaze as the next verse began, mouthing along to the words in the hopes the blonde would understand how sincerely she felt they applied to her.

_To you, I would give the world  
>To you, I'd never be cold<br>'Cause I feel that when I'm with you  
>It's alright, I know it's right<em>

_And the songbirds keep singing_  
><em>Like they know the score<em>  
><em>And I love you, I love you, I love you<em>  
><em>Like never before<em>

_Like never before; like never before._

As the song ended, Liv brushed the backs of her fingers over Alex's cheek with just a feather-light touch. "I do love you, Alex, like never before," she whispered reverently.

"I know," Alex replied breathily, leaning into the caress as she soaked in the adoration the brunette was pouring over her with her rich chocolaty eyes. "I love you too," she told the older woman sincerely.

"I know," Olivia answered, still maintaining her gaze, the soft, loving smile still in place. "Will you stay and have dinner with me tonight? I'll cook something or we could order in, whatever you want. We can do like you wanted to earlier, curl up on the sofa and watch a movie, if you'd still like to?"

"That sounds perfect," Alex agreed. "I vote for ordering in pizza so we can eat in front of the television…unless you'd rather we didn't, if you'd rather we eat at the table or something. It's your apartment…"

Olivia hushed Alex by pressing a kiss to her lips, smothering any further babbling. She cupped the attorney's chin, stroking the smooth skin with her thumb, her other hand resting lightly against Alex's hip. She felt the blonde's fingers winding into the fine hairs at the base of her skull, holding her in place even as the kiss naturally ended and they drifted into another embrace, cheeks brushing against one another as the contours of their bodies moulded together seamlessly. They resumed swaying in time to the song that was currently playing, another sensual ballad which leant itself to close contact and fluid movements.

"We should probably put a movie on or something," Liv murmured, voice low and husky telegraphing the effect the attorney's proximity was having on her body.

"That sounds like a wise idea," Alex concurred, her own register having dropped to the deepest tone Olivia had ever heard it. The timbre sent a thrill of pure desire chasing down the brunette's spine leading her to clutch Alex initially closer. For a few seconds, Alex allowed the tighter hold but as she felt her resolve breaking down under the sensation of the brunette's hot breath against the naked skin of her neck, she carefully extracted herself. "What's your favourite movie?" she asked.

Liv shook off her sultry haze with some difficulty before responding. "I'm not sure there is a single movie that I could pick as an all-time favourite. I have lots of them that I watch time and again, depending on my mood and what I'm looking for from it. Have you ever seen Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe?"

"It doesn't ring a bell, no. Is it what you're looking for this afternoon?" Alex questioned, an unintentional sultriness about it.

Thoughts and images flooded both women's brains, many of which were decidedly racy as they considered precisely what they were desiring from their time together. After clearing her throat, Olivia responded, "I think it could provide some quality cuddling time, if you'd be willing to indulge me in that?"

"If I recall correctly, I'm the one who initially suggested that activity this morning which leads me to concur that I would definitely be willing to indulge," the attorney replied contentedly, sinking into the plush cushions of the couch and waiting for Liv to put the movie in the player and join her.

Olivia slid the disc into the machine, grabbing the remote and padding back over to the couch. She settled herself into her seat, raising one arm in silent invitation to her companion to move closer. Alex accepted readily, curling herself into Olivia's side and draping one arm across the detective's toned, flat stomach.

"You comfortable?" the brunette asked softly, pressing a gentle kiss to the attorney's temple.

"Hmmmm," Alex purred, nestling even closer and releasing a long sigh of satisfaction as the movie began.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 4<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**18.59**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48**__**th**__** Street**_

Alex trembled with barely concealed tears as one of the main characters in the movie succumbed to her disease, her exceptionally close friend and companion sobbing into the dead woman's chest. Olivia, for her own part, was struggling to hold herself together. It was the first time she had watched this since Sam's death and she'd never thought of how it ended when she suggested putting it on. Hot tears spilled across her cheeks as she felt the pain and anguish of losing a loved one so very keenly. Subconsciously, she gathered Alex closer to her, pulling her in tight against her side to reassure herself that the blonde was still with her and still very much alive. Somehow the characters of Ruth and Idgie reminded Liv of herself and Alex, their relationship always having walked that fine line between friendship and something so much more, so much deeper. She didn't realise that she had let her distress show, that the quiet sob which escaped into the room had come from her until Alex's own tear stained face tilted up to meet her. Tender thumbs brushed the wetness from her cheeks, followed by soft lips tracing the same path as those thumbs, kissing away her pain, her loneliness, instinctively knowing that it was what she needed. Olivia twisted her body at the same time as gripping Alex's hip, guiding them both around in the centre of the couch until they were face to face, chest to chest. It wasn't particularly comfortable for either of them but each tolerated it as they clung to one another, heads burrowing into the soft skin of each other's necks, allowing the proximity, the solidness of holding a warm body to soothe their sorrow.

"I'm sorry, I genuinely forgot about that part," Liv croaked after a while, heedless of the finale of the film playing out on screen.

"It's a beautiful movie," Alex assured her, asserting that it had been the plot and the connection between the characters which prompted her own tears. "Thank you, for sharing it with me."

"Yeah, really know how to show you a good time, don't I?" Liv chuckled, tone laced with self-deprecation.

"You do. Today has been everything I could have wished for it to be and so much more. This," Alex murmured, indicating between the two of them, "this is perfect."

"Well that's good to know because I could happily keep you right here in my arms forever," Olivia admitted shyly, manoeuvring them back into a more natural sitting position without ever letting go of the gorgeous blonde goddess.

"I could live with staying here indefinitely, although my bladder is trying to tell me it thinks otherwise right now," Alex sighed, never having known such contentment before but rapidly becoming addicted to it.

"How about you answer your body's demands then while I order us pizza? And then you can pick the next movie we watch." Olivia stretched her legs out, arching her back to work the tension out of the muscles there.

"Ok, that sounds like a deal I can accept. I'll trust you not to pick anything too rancid to go on top of our pizza – that means no anchovies," Alex instructed firmly as she reluctantly rose from her place beside the brunette, admiring the way her taut muscles coiled and flexed as she stretched. She turned away before she gave into the temptation to touch the older woman's body, striding purposefully towards the bathroom being sure to add a little extra sway to her hips as she went, knowing that Olivia's eyes were on her. As she reached the edge of the lounge, the detective's phone began to ring leading both women to groan. "If that's your work calling you away, I may be forced to castrate someone!" Alex hollered as she disappeared behind the bathroom door.

"Benson," Liv barked into the handset, letting her frustration at being interrupted creep into her tone.

"Liv, it's me," Abbie's voice sounded from the other end of the line. "Sorry to disturb you but…I…I could use a friend to talk to."

"Hey, it's ok, Abbie. We were just going to call for a pizza and put a movie on if you want to join us? We're at my apartment." Something about the Texan's tone put the detective in Olivia on high alert. She was subdued and timid sounding, not words anyone could ever normally associate with the brash, ballsy attorney.

"No…no I don't want to intrude or anything…just…never mind, forget I called." Abbie went to hang up but was prevented by Olivia's sharp shout.

"Carmichael, don't you dare! Get your ass over here. Now! Alex and I have no desire to chase all over Manhattan looking for you but we will if we have to so if you don't wish to have to placate a very pissed Alex Cabot, I suggest you start making tracks to get yourself to my apartment. When should we expect you?"

"Fine," Abbie grumbled, "but please try to keep the sickly sweet shit to a minimum while I'm there at least? Have a heart and spare me feeling like a third wheel. I'll be there in about twenty minutes, probably around the same time as your dinner."

"Like that's unusual. I know I can always rely on you to show up when there's food around," Liv teased with a small smile. Turning more serious, she added, "and I'd hope you know neither Alex or I would ever do anything to make you uncomfortable around us. You're our friend, Abbie."

"Thanks, Olivia. I guess I'll see you soon, then," Abbie replied sombrely before disconnecting the call.

"Work?" Alex asked as she wandered back into the lounge.

"No…Abbie. She's um…she's on her way over. I'm not sure her talk with Kate went well, she sounds…I don't know, she sounds down. I've never heard her like that before. I'm sorry to change our plans without asking but…" Liv was shushed by Alex's fingertips resting against her lips.

"It's ok, I've had you to myself for a good part of the day. I can share for a while," the attorney assured with a soft smile. "I may have to demand a kiss though before she gets here since I won't be able to for the rest of the evening."

"No need to demand. My kisses are given freely to you any time you'd like them. Let me order the food and then I'll kiss you all you like until Abbie gets here."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 4<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.37**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48**__**th**__** Street**_

"I'm guessing since the food's already here, that'll be Abbie," Alex remarked as there was another knock at the door.

"Either that or tonight's turning into some warped sort of house-warming, where I'm not aware I'm hosting the party!" Liv responded as she wiped her hands on a nearby hand towel.

"It's ok, I'll let her in," the blonde stated, already moving towards the door. She pulled the barrier open, stepping aside to grant the Texan entry, surprised by the older woman's subdued demeanour. She let her get just inside the apartment, far enough to allow her to push the door closed behind her, before wrapping her up in a warm hug. "Come on through. Pizza's only just arrived so you're in luck, I've managed to stop Liv attacking it as yet. Much longer and I couldn't have guaranteed there'd even have been a crust left for you to nibble on."

Alex was relieved to see a small smile and a short huff of laughter from the visitor. "You already look at home here," Abbie stated, her tone wistful as she looked Alex over, taking in her bare feet and casual appearance.

"So kick your boots off, shed your jacket and make _your_self at home here too," the blonde invited, tugging on one long sleeve in an effort to assist her friend out of her coat.

"Hey Abs," Liv called softly from the doorway to the kitchen, watching fondly as Alex coaxed her into looking like she intended to stay. She approached the pair, pulling Abbie into her body as the blonde went to hang up the discarded jacket. "Bit of a day, huh?" the brunette murmured into Abbie's ear.

"You could say that. I brought beers, I didn't know what you'd have in," the Texan offered, holding the evidence aloft.

"Excellent. Let me put them in the fridge for a bit and get you a chilled one. Why don't you go and sit down, I'll be through in a minute with the food and drinks?" Liv prompted, ushering her friend through towards the lounge with a soft hand between her shoulder blades.

"Are you sure I can't give you a hand?" the attorney asked, feeling the need to keep busy.

"No, I think I can just about manage to bring takeout through, thanks," Liv teased with a wide smile and a wink.

"Ha ha," Abbie groaned sarcastically, flipping Olivia off and stalking through into the lounge as directed.

Alex arrived back in time to see the gesture but merely raised her eyebrows at the hostess. Olivia waved away the silent question with a gentle shake of her head.

"Wanna grab three beers? I'll bring the pizza, plates and napkins in."

Alex agreed, wandering into the kitchen and grabbing the desired drinks from the fridge smiling as Liv reached past her to stash Abbie's offering in place of those being removed. Her smile widened as she felt gentle lips press a brief kiss to the back of her shoulder as the brunette retreated. Swiftly, she popped the tops on the bottles she had retrieved from the fridge, gripping two between the fingers of one hand firmly by their necks and snatching the other off the side with her free hand. With one last charged smile shot in Olivia's direction, Alex padded out of the kitchen to join Abbie in the lounge.

"Now I know why my offer of help was refused," Abbie grumbled when she saw Alex approaching carrying the beers. "Benson could have just told me not to come if all she wanted to do was make-out with her girlfriend." Alex frowned at the Texan's tone, at the vehemence in it and the very slight slurring of her words.

"Have you already been drinking, Abbie?" she questioned cautiously.

"So what if I have? Last I checked, I'm a grown woman and you're not my mother," Abbie stated.

"No I'm not but I am your friend and I'm worried about you, we both are. Talk to us, what's this about? Did Kate say no?" Alex asked, ignoring the body language telling her to stay away and perching on the chair arm beside the brunette.

"Not exactly," Abbie started, pausing as Olivia entered, having no burning desire to go over it any more than she had to, waiting until they were both present and giving her their attention before continuing. "She asked me to give her some time to think about it. She's never even thought about being with a woman before, not sexually." The Texan groaned, burying her head in her hands. Her muffled voice cried, "why did I have to meet her? What was wrong with my life the way it was?"

"It obviously wasn't enough for you or you wouldn't be feeling the way you do about her. If she's not said no, that's good right?" Olivia suggested gently. "It means she's not repulsed by the thought of it so there's still a good chance she'll be willing to give it a chance."

"Maybe… I don't know what scares me more, the thought of her saying no or the thought of her saying yes. I'm not cut out for relationships, I've no experience at them. I'll fuck it up, I'll hurt her and then she'll think all women are like that…" Abbie whined.

"If you've no experience, how can you know you'll mess it up?" Alex asked calmly, cutting through Abbie's panic.

"Because I've already gone out my way to do so this afternoon and she's not even agreed to anything yet," Abbie said, shuddering as she recalled her exploits.

"I think you'd better explain that to us," Olivia ordered quietly, her tone rock steady, gaze focused and penetrating.

"After Kate and I talked, I went to a bar. I don't even know why I went there, not consciously at least but I ended up looking for someone…another woman, any other woman who was interested. I drank…whiskey, bourbon, vodka and then there was someone beside me, her hand was on my thigh before I could really register what was happening. She wasn't even someone I'd look at twice normally, not my type at all, too butch for me. But I just wanted… Hell I don't even know what it was I wanted…maybe to prove to myself that I hadn't changed, that I could still hook-up without it having to mean anything but when she led me to the cloakroom, when she backed me into a stall and pinned me against the wall, all I could think of was Kate, of how disappointed she'd be if she knew what I was doing. I pushed her away before she could get anything more than a quick grope of my breasts and at first she thought I was just playing. When she realised I was serious, she screamed a multitude of things at me – nothing I haven't been called before – but that wasn't what bothered me. How can I have changed so much, so quickly? How can it have happened without me noticing? What if I don't like who I've become? What if Kate says no and its all for nothing anyway? What if I can't go back?"

"Would you really want to go back to sleeping with women just to scratch an itch? Don't you really, truly want the riches that can come with letting your heart get involved in a relationship? It may not be all sweetness and light, Abs, but I know the difference from firsthand experience and I gotta tell you, I wouldn't go back to that for the world. You're still you, the same you that you've always been, this is just an extension of who you are, not someone different. And you didn't go through with it so Kate has no reason to be disappointed in you. If she ever found out, and there's no guarantee she will unless you're planning on telling her, she might surprise you with how much she understands your reaction. Just as she's probably scared of the unknown, so are you. Trust me Abbie, if you're given the chance, take that leap of faith because I can promise you, you'll never look back," Olivia informed her distraught friend firmly, seeking to reassure her.

"Even though you've been hurt so badly because of it?" the Texan asked meekly.

"Yes. There've been far more good times than painful ones…and I have so many more great things to look forward to because of grabbing hold of an opportunity, fully knowing and accepting the risks that come with it," the detective replied, letting her gaze flicker between the two women in front of her. Alex's expression softened at her words, fixing her with a look of such wondrous love that any further words died in her throat.

"She's right Abbie. Be open to that chance of something more. It's the most amazing feeling you can imagine," Alex concurred, eyes never leaving Olivia.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 4<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**22.11**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48**__**th**__** Street**_

"I'll take her home with me, she can sleep in the spare room," Alex stated as she prepared to leave the comfort of Olivia's new home, looking over at an exhausted Abbie who was on the verge of passing out in the armchair she had collapsed into on her arrival. Several slices of pizza and a couple of beers later, the US Attorney had been coaxed out of her fear-fuelled funk but fatigue was rapidly replacing it and threatening to hold her hostage.

Liv nodded slightly, conceding that her own accommodations were still inadequately equipped to offer her friend a bed for the night, given that the bed she and Alex had picked out earlier in the day wouldn't be delivered until later in the week and she doubted it would do Abbie any good to try sleeping on a mattress on the floor. "Promise me you'll let me know you get home safely?"

"Of course I will," Alex assured the woman who held her heart. "Thank you for everything today. I've really enjoyed just spending time with you."

"Me too. I'm glad we had chance to do this," Olivia agreed quietly. "There's…umm…there's an independent artist playing at a club on Thursday night. I know it's a work night so we'd not have to make it a late one but would you be interested in going with me? I've heard some of her music and it's really good, really mellow but with just a tiny bit of an edge to it. I couldn't really define a specific genre that she'd fit into but I can email you a couple of links to some of the tracks I've heard if you want to listen before you commit to coming." Liv fidgeted as she asked the attorney out on another official date, hoping that she'd say yes. "I feel it's only fair to warn you in advance that the venue is an exclusively women only club."

"I trust your taste, I know you wouldn't ask me to come if you didn't think I'd enjoy it," Alex replied before realising just how much that statement meant to both of them. She did trust Olivia implicitly in that sense at least. The rest was still undecided, as much as she wanted to believe this was how it could be for them, a large part of her was still waiting for the honeymoon period to be done, for the other shoe to drop and reality to set back in. "I'd love to go with you. Let's arrange it in the week. For now, I'd better get Abbie back to mine before she decides she's sleeping right where she is." Alex leant into the older woman, brushing the lightest of kisses against her full lips, knowing she daren't make any firmer contact while they had an audience. "I love you," she whispered with a soft smile which made her eyes sparkle.

"I love you too," Olivia replied sincerely, reaching for Alex's hand and giving it a quick squeeze. "I'll call for a car while you try and rouse Abbie enough to get her boots and jacket on."

"Sure, give me the easy job why don't you?" the attorney quipped sardonically but moved towards the almost comatose brunette all the same. "Hey Abbie, come on, let's go back to mine so you can get some sleep in a nice, comfortable bed."

"Olivia, your girlfriend's offering to take me home with her," Abbie teased wearily.

"I know so you'd better behave and keep your hands to yourself or I'll be forced to kick your ass, Carmichael," Olivia replied with a raised eyebrow, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of her lips the only indication she wasn't deadly serious.

"Yeah? You and who's army?" Abbie asked, hauling herself out of the chair and dramatically draping her lanky frame over Alex's body.

"Don't flatter yourself, Abbie, I'd take you down in my sleep. Now, stop mauling Alex and get yourself dressed, the car will be here in a few minutes." Abbie wandered off towards the bathroom, mumbling and grumbling under her breath. Alex and Olivia exchanged an amused glance. "You sure you're going to be ok with her?"

"Yeah, I think she's going to prove to be all talk and no action tonight. I'm willing to bet she'll be asleep before the cab's made it a block from here. Don't worry, even if she's not, on the off chance she does get a little too grabby, you can rest assured I have no interest in indulging her." Alex once again stepped into the brunette's personal space, sliding her arms around her trim waist and sighing contentedly as Olivia wrapped her in a firm embrace.

"I know, I trust you. Give me a call if you need any help getting her up to your apartment though if she does fall asleep," Olivia stated, brushing off Alex's assumption that she was concerned given the sexual past between herself and the Texan.

"We'll be fine. I'll call you soon," the blonde assured Olivia reluctantly releasing her as Abbie rejoined them, fully dressed and ready to leave. The brunette stepped towards the detective, pulling her close in a fierce, brief hug.

"I promise I'll be good. You don't need to worry about me, even if I was an idiot at that bar earlier tonight."

"It's ok, Abbie, give yourself a break. We all do things we're not particularly proud of but you recognised it was a mistake before it went too far. I really do hope you hear from Kate tomorrow…so you know where you stand and can begin to adjust to that either way," Olivia said, rubbing her hand up and down the side of Abbie's arm.

"Thanks. 'Night Olivia," the Texan murmured tiredly.

"Night Abs. Night 'Lex."

"Night Liv," Alex husked, brushing one final kiss against the corner of the older woman's mouth before walking away, Abbie shuffling along wearily beside her.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Additional disclaimer for this chapter: The song referenced is 'Songbird' as sung by Eva Cassidy, I don't own any part of that either and use it for no kind of profit at all. Same goes for the film referenced, I had no part of the making or distributing of Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistlestop Cafe and am just throwing into the mix for a little fun.<strong>_


	65. Chapter 65

_**Disclaimer: See Chapter one.**_

_**Apologies for not getting this up sooner (although I'm sure those lucky enough to be able to watch the Season 13 premier midweek had plenty to keep them entertained!) I took a week off work and ended up ironically with less time to write than I usually do when I'm a slave to my desk 9-5 Mon-Fri! Having kept you waiting for the next installment, I'll not delay any longer than necessary so thanks to those of you reading and huge thanks to those who share their views with me as well.**_

_**Re-uploading this due to a slight faux-pas where I called Abbie Jane in error! Thanks JRBenson for letting me know, too much watching Rizzoli & Isles while writing methinks! ;)**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 7<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**12.21**_

_**Alex Cabot's Office, 1 Hogan Place**_

"Well?" Alex queried as soon as Abbie had hung up on her call. They had been going over the preparation for Craig Jackson's trial, drafting plans for who would question which of the witnesses they were calling, when Abbie's cell phone had rung. Shortly into the conversation, Alex had worked out that it had been Kate who had phoned and she was now eager to find out what the outcome was, knowing that Abbie had been on tenterhooks waiting for the redhead to make a decision.

"Uh…she's invited me to her place tonight for dinner," Abbie replied, expression dazed, bordering on terrified.

"That's it? She hasn't said whether she's inviting you as a friend or as a potential lover?" Alex asked.

"No…no, just that I come over so we can talk. Oh God," Abbie groaned, knowing she would now be distracted for the rest of the day. She dropped her head to the edge of the desk, banging it softly against the solid surface. "Why couldn't she just put me out of my misery over the phone? Why does she want to torture me by saying no to my face?"

"Maybe she's not planning on saying no. Maybe she's planning on getting you over to her place tonight so she can say yes and then see where things go from there. Maybe she's realised that you're the person she wants to share her life and her bed with. Maybe you should take off early today, give yourself time to shower, get ready, pick out something gorgeous to wear, maybe pick up some flowers or wine to take with you…" Alex rattled off, getting into her flow.

"Right, 'cause that wouldn't be at all awkward if she then tells me she just wants to be friends, or worse wants nothing to do with me at all!" Abbie grumbled miserably.

"If she didn't want anything to do with you, I hardly think she'd be inviting you to dinner anywhere, especially not at her apartment. Come Abbie, think positive. If a woman I'd expressed an interest in invited me to dinner at her place, I'd be thinking that was a very good sign she shared that interest. It's much easier to say no to someone over the phone than it is face to face. I suspect you, Ms Carmichael, have yourself a girlfriend." Alex couldn't resist teasing her friend lightly, grinning even more madly as the brunette's head rolled to one side she was fixed with a dark glower.

"Just because you're sickeningly happy with your newly non-single status doesn't mean my own circumstances will develop as favourably," the Texan replied, sitting back in her chair and absently rubbing at her forehead where she'd banged it a little forcefully on the wooden surface.

"For all I've seen of Liv this week, I might as well be single," Alex stated, an air of frustration lacing her tone.

"You miss having her at your apartment." Though it was phrased as a question of sorts, Abbie's comment sounded much more like a statement of known fact.

"I do. I know it's silly and everything's good between us right now but…I miss waking up to her being there, having coffee with me before work, having her around at night when it gets quiet and lonely. I never realised how much I dislike being alone until I knew what the alternative felt like." Alex's quiet confession hung in the air between them for a moment.

"Honey, given how long you were on your own in the programme, and even before that, is it really that surprising to you that you're ready to share your life completely with someone? Especially someone you have such a connection with as Olivia." Abbie reached out a hand, resting it against Alex's bare forearm.

"The thought of letting her back in that much scares me though. I want to believe that this is it, that she's sure I'm what she wants and she's willing to commit to that but as much as I want to, I can't let go of how she was prepared to walk away, not yet." Alex pulled away from the touch, rising from her desk and crossing to the mini-fridge in the corner, yanking the door open and pulling out a couple of bottles of still water.

"I'm not saying you should ask her to move back in with you but would it hurt if she spent the night occasionally? Maybe this is your subconscious minds way of telling you that you're ready to let her back in to your bed, even if all you do is spend the night in one another's arms," Abbie persisted, accepting the water gratefully.

"We never…not fully…we haven't…gone there…had sex," Alex stammered with a furious blush.

"It'll happen, Alex, all in good time. You're going on another date in a couple of days, right? Why not see how that goes and if it feels right, ask her to stay at yours for the night then? It'd just be a natural continuation of the evening." Abbie sank half her bottle of water in long, fluid gulps.

"Maybe…I don't know…I want it to be up to Olivia to make that first move…I want her to be ready. The last thing I want is for us to try and for me to end up hurting her again. I couldn't take that a second time and I'm not sure how I'd reconcile that with her assurances that she wants to share a full, physical, intimate relationship with me if it did happen again either," Alex informed the Texan, mind flashing back to her previous attempt at making love to the beautiful brunette detective.

"All you'd be doing is inviting her to spend the night at your place. You have a spare bedroom if she doesn't feel ready to share a bed with you but if she does, you're letting her know subtly that it's what you want too," Abbie suggested.

"You know, for someone who thinks she'll be awful at this relationships thing, you sure do have a lot of ideas about how to behave in them!" Alex quipped, nudging her companion with her shoulder.

"Ah but for me it's all theoretical," Abbie rejoined. "I can talk the talk…"

"After tonight, I suspect you'll have to learn how to walk the walk too," Alex stated with conviction.

"We'll see," was all Abbie said in return.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 7<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.34**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

Abbie gulped audibly as Kate opened the apartment door to grant her entry. Her mouth went dry and she felt her face flush. Kate's normally wild hair had been some way tamed, with half of it swept back from her pale, freckled face and loosely clipped back. Her green eyes sparkled warmly, enhanced by the barest hint of makeup to compliment their colour. Kate's clothing was simple, a stone-coloured shift dress which skimmed over her curves hinting at the womanly body beneath. To Abbie, she had never looked more stunningly beautiful.

"Come in," the redhead requested, stepping aside and reaching out a hand to physically guide Abbie inside if needs be. "Let me take your jacket."

Abbie slipped her arms out of the garment as instructed, eyes still riveted to the older woman. "You look gorgeous," the Texan muttered before she could stop herself.

Kate ducked her head shyly, trying to hide the fierce blush the brunette's words had triggered. "Thank you," she murmured in response, genuinely touched by the praise. "You look lovely too," she added with a tentative smile, not attempting to hide her nervousness. Her words were true. Abbie did indeed look stunning in her form fitting cream slacks and rich, royal blue short-sleeved turtle neck. The outfit accentuated the lithe brunette's figure perfectly, drawing attention to her womanly curves without flaunting them. The two women stood inside the front door, looking at one another anxiously, trying to read each other's expressions.

"I…uh…I brought you a bottle of wine. It's red, I hope that's ok? I mean, if not I can run to the store and get white or rose or something else." Abbie stumbled over her words as she brandished her offering with a concerned frown, feeling seriously out of her depth.

"Red's fine, Abbie," Kate assured the other woman, reaching out to squeeze her forearm as she extracted the bottle from the Texan's clenched fist, fearful that it would shatter under the fierce hold. "Relax…please," Kate requested, almost begging as she felt the telltale tremors of tension coursing through Abbie's body.

"Easier said than done, sorry," the brunette replied tightly, drawing in as deep a breath as she could manage and trying to release it in a controlled manner.

"Come through to the kitchen and keep me company while I finish making dinner?" Kate suggested with a gentle smile, relieved that she didn't seem to be the only one almost crippled by nerves. It gave her hope that Abbie did want more from her than she usually sought, that her confession had been genuine and that she wouldn't run from Kate once they had slept together…if they made it that far. "How about a glass of wine while we wait for the food to be ready?"

"Point me in the right direction, I think I can just about handle pouring a couple of glasses of wine without getting myself into too many difficulties," Abbie responded, grateful to Kate for taking the lead, even as recognised that it was a role reversal for her, who was ordinarily the more dominant in any encounter she pursued.

"I should think you can do a whole lot more than that without taxing yourself," Kate dared to suggest, allowing a hint of flirtatiousness to creep into her voice.

Abbie swallowed convulsively, footsteps faltering as her brain struggled to merge the tone with what she had convinced herself would be a swift and definite rejection of her advances. "I…uh…I'm not sure…what kind of signals you're meaning to send me but…if your answer is that you just want us to be friends, I think I should warn you that you're sending mixed messages," the brunette stated, coughing to clear her throat and hoping her face wasn't as red as it felt.

"And if that's not the answer I'm giving you? What will you do if I'm trying to tell you that I want to see…what this could be between us?" Kate asked, unaware that she was holding her breath and gripping the edge of the counter in anticipation of a response.

"I'd want to know how sure you were that you want everything that goes with a relationship with a woman; the kissing, the sex, the emotional baggage that's bound to come into it, the nights in cuddling on the couch, the pointing, the whispering, the name-calling and judging." Abbie stepped forward, not really daring to believe what she was hearing from the woman who had enchanted her.

"I've spent the last couple of days thinking about very little else," Kate assured the skittish brunette, turning to greet her approach. "I'm not saying that I'll be any better at being a woman's girlfriend than I am at being a man's but I like how you make me feel. I like spending time with you, I like how easy it is to be myself with you and know that you're not judging me or likely to ridicule me for it. I like how my body reacts when you touch me…" Kate's words trailed off as Abbie daringly slipped one hand onto the swell of her hip, feeling her skin tingle as though the connection had lit up her nerve endings.

"Does this mean you're willing to give me a chance?" the Texan asked with no small amount of wonder in her voice, though her expression was still one of trepidation, as though she was waiting for her hopes to be dashed.

"I am…if you're still willing to give me a chance too?" Kate responded softly, letting her own hands settle at Abbie's hips, tugging gently until the taller woman's frame rested lightly against her own.

"I am," the brunette confirmed vehemently, "and I'd very much like to kiss you, if you'll let me?"

This time, Kate opted for action as an appropriate response rather than waste more words. With a firmer grip, she pulled Abbie flush against her, tilting her head up to receive the promised kiss. Abbie cupped the redhead's face in two warm palms, cradling her tenderly as she lowered her head slowly, allowing the older woman time to back out should she wish it. Their lips met in a slow, exploratory close-mouthed kiss, neither in any great hurry to deepen the contact. Both women smiled, mouths still fused together, before making a mutual decision to grant one another access beyond the superficial barrier of lips and teeth. Even still, there was no explosion of desire, no overheating of the senses just a continuation of them making more intimate acquaintances with each other. Abbie's hands moved to entwine themselves in Kate's luscious flame-red hair, gently massaging the corded muscles of her neck and lightly scratching her scalp. Kate was content to keep her hands at the Texan's hips, using them to ground her as her head swam from the sensory overload resulting from the feel of Abbie's lips, tongue and teeth worshipping her own so thoroughly, so tenderly, so lovingly. It was everything she could hope for from a kiss and so much more too. It was softer…oh so much softer than kissing any of the men she'd kissed and infinitely more polite. There was none of the pressing, the groping, the forcing of the pace that she had encountered so often. With Abbie, it was as though there was nothing she would rather be doing than kissing her, no hurry to get Kate out of her clothes and into a bed. It was a distinct and refreshing change though Kate had no fear that they wouldn't eventually get to the point where that desperation, that carnal hunger kicked in – at least not if her body had its way. A constant pulse of pleasure was flowing through her, teasing and tantalising her with the promise of what was to come, of what she could be privileged to share with the tall, leggy prosecutor. When they finally separated, both their faces were flushed and their chests were rising and falling rapidly.

"Wow…" Abbie murmured breathlessly, her body singing at the flood of endorphins which had been released. Kate giggled, thoroughly enjoying seeing Abbie as flustered as herself by the exchange.

"Well I know that felt good for me but do I take it that it wasn't too shabby for you either?" the redhead teased, coyly.

"I may need to conduct further investigations but first impressions are definitely favourable," Abbie replied, regaining her wits and her playful sense of humour, caressing the side of Kate's face gently with the back of her fingers on one hand, the other remaining cupped around the back of her neck.

"I could be persuaded to take part in further experiments," Kate advised with mock seriousness before sighing, "but right now, I need to give this food some attention or else I'm not going to be able to feed you." To show that she wasn't already running from their new-found closeness, Kate leaned forward and brushed an almost chaste kiss against Abbie's supple lips. "How about you pour that wine now, or do you think your motor skills might be too impaired?" Kate asked with a wink and a cheeky smile.

Abbie swatted the older woman's ass on her way past to retrieve the wine and a couple of glasses. "Keep that up and you won't get a demonstration of just how fine my motor skills can be!" she quipped.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 7<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**21.47**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

"I should make a move, I'm sure you've had more than enough of me by now," Abbie groaned as she made to stand from where she had been relaxing beside Kate on the couch. Their evening had been surprisingly easy-going once the initial awkwardness had passed. The meal Kate had prepared had been delicious, a fact Abbie had been certain she shared with the redhead, and subsequently, they had spent their time talking, getting to know one another and becoming more comfortable expressing their newly physical relationship.

"You don't have to…" Kate protested, reluctant to bring their time together to an end, fearful that the spell would be broken once Abbie left and the brunette had time to consider what it was she was settling for. Kate wasn't worldly-wise like Abbie, nor was she stunningly attractive. She didn't have Abbie's model figure; her hair was too wild, too red, too thick; her body had seen better days and bore the telltale signs of childbirth. The Texan could have most any woman she wanted.

"I should…before I try to take this somewhere I doubt either of us is really ready for it to go just yet," Abbie murmured, gazing down at her new lover. Seeing the fear, the doubt in her eyes, the Texan reached down and pulled Kate to her feet. "Hey, what's up? Are you…are you having second thoughts?"

"No…no, I'm not, really I'm not," Kate hurried to assure the brunette, cuddling into Abbie's willowy body and clinging to her. "Are you? Will you still feel the same after you go? Or am I likely to get a message from you saying this is a mistake?"

Abbie coaxed Kate to look at her, needing the redhead to see the truth in her eyes as she hastened to reassure her. "There is nothing about this, you and me, that I think is a mistake. Not one thing. The only message you'll be getting from me later, is to tell you that I'm back at the motel, thinking of you and missing you already."

"So don't go," Kate suggested hopefully.

"I'd love to stay, honestly I would, but I couldn't promise I'd keep my hands to myself and as much as I want to wake up with you in my arms tomorrow morning, I also don't want to rush this and scare you off before we have a real chance to explore a relationship. It's not that I'm not… It's not that I don't want you, I can't tell you enough how that isn't the case…but I want it to mean more than just sex. Does that make sense? I've fallen into bed with so many women with little thought to the longer term and it was just sex, no emotions involved at all. It's already so much more than that with you, so I want it to be special, to be perfect when we decide to take that step to share a bed together," Abbie explained as best she could.

"Perfection doesn't exist, Abbie, but I do understand you wanting it to be special. I want that too…I want our first time to mean as much as it can so I can wait, for as long as you need us to wait. As long as you know that I do want to be with you, physically, as well as spending more evenings like this. I wouldn't object if you wanted to take me out now and again either," Kate teased gently, smiling softly as their eyes locked.

"I think that could be arranged," Abbie agreed, settling more firmly into the embrace being offered to her.

"Could I get a goodnight kiss?" Kate requested.

Abbie dipped her head, pressing her lips to Kate's own, lapping at the barrier with an insistent tongue until those lips parted and granted her entrance to the hot cavern of Kate's mouth. For long moments, the only sound in the apartment was the occasional moan and grunt as they kissed deeply, passionately, affirming their connection and lacing the exchange with promises of a future to be looked forward to.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday April 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.53**_

_**Acoustic Sonata, **_

Alex settled herself into the scarred and well-worn vinyl covered armchair, cradling the sweating glass of her Long Island Iced Tea in one palm. Her other hand rested on Olivia's knee as the detective perched a little precariously on the side of the chair, one toned arm lazily draped across the top of the cushion behind Alex's head, a bottle of beer clenched in her fist. Liv let her free hand come to rest atop Alex's on her knee, squeezing it lightly.

"You comfortable?" Alex asked, tilting her head up and back slightly to look at the older woman.

"I am," Liv assured her, leaning down to press a kiss against her lover's crown, leaving the weight of her torso resting a little more solidly against the attorney's shoulder as she relished the contact. "You ok?"

"I am," Alex echoed the brunette's previous answer with a subtle smile as she let her head drop against Liv's body, almost purring with delight at their closeness. The lights in the club were low, a moderate rumble of chatter passing among the patrons as they awaited the start of the evening's entertainment. The attorney had no idea how Liv had found this place and from the outside it hadn't looked like anywhere Alex would have wanted to frequent but once through the doors, they had emerged into another world. Women of all shapes, sizes, ages and races mingled happily, comfortable in their own skins amongst their own kind and free to show their affection for one another whenever they felt the urge, without fear of censure or bigotry. She honestly hadn't known what to expect when Liv nervously invited her to a bar for an evening of acoustic music by an artist she'd never heard of but she was very glad she'd accepted. "I've missed you this week," Alex confessed softly.

Before Olivia could respond, the speaker hissed into life and a resonant voice boomed, "_ladies and ladies, put your hands together and give a big Acoustic Sonata welcome to the fabulous, the lyrical, the hilarious Nova Loreto_."

Alex felt Olivia's arm move from behind her, presumably while older woman took a swig of her drink since there was no other obvious shifting of her body. Raising her own glass to her lips, she went to suck a long pull up the narrow black straw, pausing as a twinge of pain spasmed through her abdomen. Mentally, she calculated how many weeks through her cycle she was, wondering if somehow she had lost track and was due again. With a frown, she realised that it was only a fortnight since her last visit so she doubted that it was of any kind of gynaecological origin. Squirming a little to find a more comfortable spot, she drew her legs up slightly and turned more to the side, angling her body towards Olivia by a greater degree. Thankfully, the pain eased, the spasm subsiding and as a bonus, she found that her head was conveniently placed to use Olivia's ample bosom as a pillow. She let her eyes drift shut, allowing the lilting music to wash over her. Loreto's voice was just the right side of husky, adding a smokiness to her tone which leant an air of sexiness to the lyrics. Her skill on the 12-string acoustic guitar was mesmerising too, chords merging with one another in a melange of harmonious sound.

Olivia felt Alex curl into her, the glorious blonde mane coming to settle against her chest. Peering down, she saw that Alex's eyes were closed, a serene expression adorning her beautiful face. Liv felt a smile spread across her own face at the picture of contentment Alex painted. Gingerly lifting her arm so as not to jostle her lover, Liv downed the remainder of her beer, looking around for a free surface on which to discard the empty bottle.

"Let me take that for you," a deep voice requested from beside her ear, low enough not to disturb anyone listening to the haunting music but clear enough for Olivia to make out without straining.

Turning her head to face her mystery assistant, Liv was grateful to see a butch looking woman, standing behind the chair she and Alex were sharing, with one hand extended in readiness to take the empty bottle while the other was firmly clasped around a woman's hip. Her relief came from the knowledge that there was no ulterior motive, no need to politely decline an invitation for a threesome or any such awkwardness. "Thanks," she mouthed with an appreciative smile as she handed over the finished beer.

"Not at all. It'd be criminal to disturb your lady when she just got herself so comfortable," the woman replied. Olivia's smile widened as she nodded in agreement, turning her attention back to Alex and dipping down to press another sweet kiss to the younger woman's crown. She felt, rather than heard, the vibrations of Alex's mewl of approval as applause erupted around them with the dying notes of the first song. Alex roused herself enough to tap her hand against Liv's knee, unable to applaud with her cocktail still clenched in her other hand.

"Is your drink alright?" Liv asked noticing the attorney hadn't drunk much if any of it, leaning in close so Alex would be able to hear as the music started up once more.

Alex tilted her head up so she could look at Olivia, flashing her a brief smile and a nod. "Yeah, just…I don't know, not what I'm in the mood for after all."

"I can get you something else if you prefer?" the brunette offered kindly, releasing the hand she was holding against her knee and reaching out to brush a strand of hair off Alex's face.

"No, it's fine. I'm not really that bothered about drinking, not while I'm this comfortable," the younger woman assured her partner sweetly earning her a brief tender kiss on the lips. The pair of them settled back against one another, drifting on the melodious music being served up and just revelling in being able to spend a relaxing evening together.

As the first set ended, Liv gently extracted the still mostly full glass from Alex's slack hand, placing it on the floor beside the chair they shared. The attorney's arm had gradually wrapped around her own abdomen, hugging herself as she had curled more tightly into the seat.

"Talk to me honey. Are you not feeling well?" the brunette murmured as she hopped off her seat to crouch in front of her subdued companion.

"It's nothing, just a stomach ache. Probably my body's way of shouting at me for not eating much today. I'll be fine," Alex assured her through slightly gritted teeth as another cramping pain took hold.

"You want me to take you home?" Liv offered sympathetically, her only concern for the young woman obviously suffering but trying to be stoical.

"No, I don't want to ruin your evening and the music is _really_ good. No point in me sitting at home miserable when I can be here, being distracted and sharing your lovely company." Alex managed a genuine smile as the pain receded once again.

"Promise you'll tell me if it gets worse? I don't care if we miss the rest of the concert so long as I know you're ok. There'll be other times when Nova Loreto's in town, I'm sure we can catch another of her shows. I'm going to go grab a bottle of water from the bar, you want one?" the detective asked, not really convinced by Alex's protestations of being ok.

"Yes please," Alex replied with a tight smile, wrapping both arms around herself in an attempt to ward off the pain.

"It's ok, we'll keep an eye on her for you," the butch who'd taken her bottle from her earlier assured Olivia, seeing her hovering uncertainly.

"I'm fine," Alex grumbled, embarrassed by the attention being drawn to her. She watched her partner reluctantly walk away, sinking down into her seat to await the older woman's return.

"So how long have you two been together?" her self-appointed guardian asked, squatting at one side of the chair. Another woman, whom she assumed to be the partner of her watcher, crouched beside her.

"Not long, a few weeks, officially but we've known one another years. How about you two?" Alex asked, straining to be polite when all she wanted was for Olivia to return and wrap her up in her arms. The pain in her abdomen was persisting, too diffuse to be able to specify where or what might be causing it but strong enough to be making her nauseous and irritable.

The two women shared a loving smile before answering. "Five years today and we've never looked back. I'm Sandra and this is my wife, Lorraine. You make a stunning couple and your partner clearly adores you," the more butch of the two, Sandra, announced.

"Congratulations," Alex replied as warmly as she could through gritted teeth as a fresh wave of pain hit. "I'm Alex, my partner's Olivia."

"Mind if I check your temperature?" Lorraine asked, already reaching out to place her palm against the blonde's pale, clammy brow. "I'm a nurse…on a paediatric ward but the principles are the same for everyone," she mentioned with a wry smile. Alex simply nodded, knowing she was in no position to argue really. "Good news is you're not spiking a fever. Did you eat anything today that might be disagreeing with you?"

"I've not eaten since breakfast," Alex admitted, ducking her head at the scowl she received from both protective women hovering around her.

"Well that's probably what's causing your pain then, you're body's likely crying out for some food!" Sandra stated confidently.

"It is one possibility. Is there any chance you might be pregnant?" Lorraine asked cautiously, worried that there might be a more severe cause at the root of the young blonde's pain, such as an ectopic pregnancy or impending miscarriage.

"No! No chance of that at all," Alex responded firmly, glad to see Liv approaching.

"Here you go, Al. Get some of that down you and hopefully it'll help flush out whatever's in your system that's making you feel ill," the brunette offered hopefully as she handed over the bottle of water. She turned her attention to the couple who had kept Alex company in her absence. "Thanks for looking out for her."

"No problem. You might want to persuade her to get herself checked out if that pain doesn't ease up or gets any worse though," Lorraine said, standing and stepping out of the way, pulling Sandra along with her to allow Olivia room to settle herself back beside Alex.

"Believe me, I'll be insisting on taking her myself if it doesn't get better of its own accord," the brunette announced, fixing Alex with a determined stare, daring her to defy her.

The lights on the informal stage went back up to their fullest, signalling the return of their entertainment. Olivia hurriedly got herself seated once again, wrapping one arm around Alex's slender shoulders and cuddling her into her own body. Leaning down, she whispered in the blonde's ear, "are you sure you want to stay?"

"Give me five minutes to see if it eases up, ok?" Alex requested, sagging against the muscled curves of her lover as thankfully the pain subsided a little again.

"Ok," Liv agreed softly, kissing Alex's brow before straightening and taking a swig from her own bottle of water.

A few songs passed with no greater signs of discomfort from her lover, allowing Olivia to begin to relax once more. Seconds later, she felt her cell phone vibrating in her pocket signalling an incoming call. Since she wasn't catching, she opted to ignore it until the end of the song at least, knowing it would be impossible to hear over the music anyway. As soon as one call ended however, it seemed like a new one began, suggesting that whoever it was trying to reach her had something urgent to discuss.

"I gotta nip outside to take a call. You want to stay or are you ready to leave?" she asked quietly, murmuring directly into the shell of Alex's ear.

"I'll come with you, that way if you're getting called in you don't have to waste time coming back inside for me," Alex replied, covering her own relief at being given an out without it drawing further attention to her.

As her phone began to ring again, Liv nodded tightly suspecting that that was precisely what was about to happen and vowing that she would find a way to make sure Alex was alright before disappearing into the night. Rising from her perch on the chair's arm, she reached for Alex's hand, helping the attorney to her feet. Looking around, she spied Sandra and Lorraine watching them with interest and beckoned them over.

"Have a seat ladies, we're calling it a night. Thanks for everything," Liv told them, neglecting to explain that it was duty calling them away and not Alex's ongoing discomfort.

"Feel better soon, Alex," Lorraine wished as Sandra waved, watching the handsome brunette loop an arm supportively around Alex's waist and guide her out of the club.

"Benson," Liv barked into her cell as soon as they were in a quiet enough area for her to take the incessant call.

"Olivia, you need to get down to the precinct as soon as you can. There's been a development you're going to want to know about and I'd rather you not hear it over the phone or from anyone else." Abbie's voice was clipped, her stress evident.

"Ok, um are we meeting at the 1-6 or…" Olivia began, concern written all over her face which served to worry Alex.

"Yes, I'm here already. How soon can you get here? And do you know where Alex is? I've been trying to get hold of her too."

"Alex is with me. We're about fifteen minutes away." Liv flipped her phone shut as Abbie hung up, turning to face Alex who was regarding her warily. "We're both wanted at the precinct. Are you up to coming in with me?"

Fixing an impenetrable mask of professionalism to her face, Alex pulled herself up as tall as she could and nodded. "Let's go."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday April 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**21.47**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"What's going on?" Liv barked as soon as she entered the bullpen, looking around at pale faces of her colleagues and friends.

"Come through to my office," Captain Cragen requested firmly, making clear that there would be no discussion in the open area. Alex leaned heavily on her partner as they walked, the pain in her abdomen having sharpened considerably during the short journey to the 1-6. She felt Liv's arm clutching at her waist, holding her upright as best she could even as Alex herself tried to mask how much discomfort she was in. She sank into the chair in front of Don's desk when Liv steered her towards it, stifling a yelp by biting down on her bottom lip.

She waved off Liv's concern and through gritted teeth ordered, "we're here now, so tell us what this is about."

"Judge Coniston's body was discovered at his summer house in the Hamptons earlier today. He was beaten to death and sodomised with a gavel. A message on the wall was written in his blood." Abbie tossed a copy of one of the crime scene photos onto the Captain's desk, watching it spin wildly until Olivia's hand shot out to stop it. Her own skin lost some of its natural tone as she saw the crudely daubed 'FOR EDDIE' on the plain wall.

"Coniston was the judge at the arraignment hearing who let Milo Pathitis out on bail," Olivia recalled.

"Pathitis is the one who molested Edward O'Keefe isn't he? The one who went on to kill him with his brother's help?" Alex asked, seeking clarification since she was not with the unit during the time that case was being tried.

"He was. Because of his connection to O'Keefe, when I heard on the grapevine at the DA's office that he'd been killed, I got the case assigned to Morientes and Sykes. It has to be connected, no way is it a coincidence. As a precaution, I'm asking them to check the defence attorney and prosecutor who had been involved with the case too. We can't afford to assume that anyone connected with the O'Keefe case is safe from this vendetta." Abbie's voice was huskier than usual, her eyes stormy with fury at the knowledge so many had died in the wake of one man's vendetta…and that her friend's life was still under threat.

"We need to consider arranging protective detail for you until O'Keefe's caught," Elliot stated, not considering his own vulnerability given that the man had fixated so firmly on Olivia at Eddie's funeral.

"I appreciate you giving me the heads up but he has already done what he wants to me. I took his nephew away so he took away someone who meant as much to me as Eddie did to him. He's had ample opportunity to kill me if that was his intention but I'm still here. He knows that killing Sam hurt me far more than killing me would," Liv stated vehemently, watching with increasing distress as Alex whimpered lightly and hunched over in her seat, clutching at the right side of her abdomen, low down, close to her hip. "So thanks but no thanks to the protective detail and now, I'm taking Alex to the hospital." Moving swiftly, she went to help the attorney stand, trying to be as gentle as she could be so as not to cause her further pain. She knew Alex must be in agony when the blonde grabbed her arm, squeezing tightly enough to cut off the circulation to her hand. "I knew I should have insisted on you getting checked out earlier," the brunette growled.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Alex managed to force out. Her skin was pale and covered in a light sheen of sweat as she battled the now incessant sharp stabbing pain in her gut.

"Hang on in there, honey," Liv requested, stooping to scoop the younger woman into her arms with the intention of carrying her to the restroom on her way to the car if needs be. She strode out of the Captain's office with the rest of those gathered in tow.

"Has this been going on for a while?" Abbie asked, horrified at the pain etched into Alex's face.

Liv merely nodded, offering a quick, "couple of hours. Started as a vague abdominal pain but has been getting worse."

"Alex, have you ever had your appendix out?" Elliot questioned, his expression troubled.

Alex merely shook her head, tightly clenching her teeth and stifling another cry of pain.

"I'll drive you to the hospital," he insisted, grabbing his keys and jacket and hustling towards the exit. "That's just how Dickie was when he had appendicitis. We need to get her there before it ruptures if it is her appendix."

The two detectives swept out of the bullpen, Olivia still cradling Alex securely in her arms, swiftly followed by Abbie who was loudly insisting that she _would_ be going with them. They bundled into Elliot's sedan, the Texan riding shotgun since she knew there was no way Liv would be parted from her sickly lover. Olivia carefully manoeuvred Alex onto the bench seat in the back, quickly clambering in beside her, surprised when the blonde attorney immediately fell into her, clinging on for dear life.

"It's ok, Alex, you're going to be ok. You're going to be fine, sweetie," Liv chanted over and over again, stroking her hand over Alex's fine hair, concerned by the rise in her temperature as her body fought the toxins building inside her.

"I'm scared," Alex admitted through gritted teeth, gripping a fistful of Olivia's button-down in a fearsome hold.

"Me too, honey," Liv replied, allowing her concern to be clearly seen on her face.

"Don't you dare leave me," the attorney spat.

"I won't if you don't," came the immediate reply, laced with sincerity.

"I mean it Liv…" Alex's argument tailed off as another stronger wave of pain hit her. She buried her face into her lover's cleavage, trying to muffle her sob. She felt Olivia's arms tighten around her, quiet words being whispered into her ear, soothing her soul.

"I'm not leaving you. I promise, I'm with you, I'm right here, I'm staying beside you." Olivia gently coaxed Alex's face up to her own, pressing tender kisses to her cheeks, her eyelids and eventually her lips. "I won't leave you. Hang in there, we're nearly there." The brunette looked up as Alex's eyes squeezed shut again, casting a worried glance in Elliot's direction and catching Abbie's eye where she was watching the pair over her shoulder.

"Just a few more minutes, Alex, then we can get you treated," the Texan assured, flicking her eyes out of the window at the seats whizzing by. Elliot's focus was solely on the road, determined to get them to the hospital as soon as possible.

"You're my next of kin, Liv," Alex stuttered, voice tired as the constant pain wore her down.

"I remember signing the forms," Olivia assured her, recalling how Alex had made the request at the same time as she had formalised herself and Samia as Olivia's next of kin. "I'll be there if you need me to be. I promise, Alex, I won't let you down." As though a weight had been lifted off her, Alex released a long sigh, her head drooping to rest down on Olivia's ample bosom once again. "Stay awake, honey," Liv cautioned, not liking the way the attorney's energy was fading. Her words barely roused any response from the exhausted woman in her arms. "Come on, 'Lex, talk to me about something…anything!"

"Tired," Alex moaned, gasping as the car hit a bump in the road.

"Sorry," Elliot called with a grimace.

"Where's your pain, Alex? Describe it to us," Abbie demanded, knowing that it was a two-fold suggestion. If Alex passed out, they would need to be able to give the medics all the information they could to help them definitively diagnose and treat their friend but she also hoped that it would encourage Alex to stay alert.

Reluctantly, the blonde began to haltingly tell them how she felt, where the pain was, dragging Olivia's hand to the region to illustrate her point, holding it there as though hoping it would magically cure the discomfort. By the time she had answered all the resulting questions fired at her, they had slewed to a halt outside the doors to the emergency room of the hospital. Without waiting to be asked, Abbie unbuckled her seatbelt and shot off in search of assistance.

"We're here, Alex, honey. We're here. You're going to be fine now," Liv cooed softly, ignoring her partner's presence as she dipped her head to kiss Alex's fevered brow.

"Please…" Alex whimpered desperately, clutching frantically at the woman cradling her.

The car door opened and hands reached in to prise the two women apart and guide Alex out onto the gurney which had been wheeled out at Abbie's insistence. Physicians and nurses surrounded the trolley as it was whisked back into the ER, Abbie and Olivia chasing in its wake as Elliot took care of parking the car.

"I'm sorry, you can't go back there," a bulky nurse stated, stepping into their path with outstretched arms.

"I'm her partner and legally her next of kin," Olivia barked, desperate not to be separated from the younger woman, knowing that Alex would fear the worst and not wanting anything to distract her from fighting to regain her health.

"And a doctor will be out to see you as soon as they know how the patient is doing so I suggest you take a seat and wait," the immovable nurse replied.

Abbie saw Olivia about to object, to insist, to create a scene and realised that though it was understandable to her, knowing their history, it would likely only result in her being invited to leave the hospital…the last thing any of them wanted to happen. "Come on, Liv. Let's sit down and let them do their job. Alex is in good hands now, they'll sort her out."

For a few long minutes, they could only sit in sombre silence, clinging to one another's hands in a gesture of support until the doors through which Alex had been wheeled peeled open.

"Olivia? Is there an Olivia out here?"

The brunette's head shot up, followed by her bolting to her feet, face holding an expression of sheer panic. "That's me. What's going on? How's Alex?"

"Refusing treatment unless we get you to come into the room with her," the frustrated man replied, beckoning her forward. The detective glanced back to where Abbie remained seated.

"Go on, I'll wait here for Elliot," the Texan assured. With a curt nod, Liv strode towards the medic who had summoned her, proceeding him through the door as directed.

"Is it her appendix?" the brunette asked, words falling from her lips as rapidly as her feet were moving.

"We suspect so which means time is of the essence and we could do without these kinds of histrionics," the doctor informed her haughtily.

"She's scared, cut her some slack. She's not had the best track record with hospitals. Last time she came in here as a patient, she left it officially dead and was put into the Witness Protection programme for years. Besides, I've not exactly given her reason to think I'd stick around recently," Liv supplied, her own tone sharpening a little at the perceived lack of patience.

"That's as may be, Miss, but as I said, time is critical if her condition is due to an inflamed appendix. If we act swiftly, we can remove the organ via laparoscopic surgery which has a far shorter recovery period and obviously less scarring. However, if the appendix ruptures, we may be forced to proceed with an open procedure and it also increases the risk of peritonitis developing." The mention of an increased threat to Alex's life spurred Olivia on to walk faster, make her strides longer, to reach the woman she loved and soothe her concerns so that they could fast-track her through to the OR.

"Liv!" the attorney's pained voice cried out as she spied the tall brunette hurrying towards her. Alex had been stripped of her clothing and dressed in a gown, adding to her sense of vulnerability.

"Alex, honey, you need to calm down and let them do their jobs," Olivia ordered as she rushed over to the bed where Alex was being physically restrained. One of the nurses stepped aside to allow the visitor in closer, seeing that their patient was becoming infinitely more cooperative just by her very presence. Liv leant over Alex's prone form, kissing her forehead and stroking a hand through her hair. "You need to let them examine you, sweetheart," the brunette murmured softly, her tone loving but firm.

"Stay?" Alex whispered, allowing her fear to show through the stoical facade she had been attempting to maintain.

"I'm right here and that's where I'm staying, so long as my being in here doesn't get in the way of these good people making you better. So come on, lie back, let the doctor examine you and let's get you on the road to recovery." Alex took a moment to look deeply into the brunette's eyes, as though committing them to memory, before nodding her assent. With Olivia's hand tightly gripped in one of her own, Alex submitted herself to the medics' mercies, swallowing her cries of pain as her abdomen was palpated, poked and prodded. She answered their questions succinctly, just wanting the torture to be over.

"Miss Cabot, your appendix is enlarged and needs to be removed immediately. If we don't operate, it could rupture and cause peritonitis. If we act now, there's a very good chance your appendix can be removed through a laparoscopic procedure, which involves making three smaller incisions, rather than an open procedure. Following the laparoscopy, you'll need to remain in hospital for a day or two, so we can monitor your recovery and make sure there is no residual infection but you should be back on your feet within a week, all being well. I have consent forms here which I will need you to sign and as soon as they're done, we'll get you up to the OR." The doctor spoke brusquely but kindly. Like a well-oiled machine, nurses swarmed around the bed, fixing Alex up to monitors, an intravenous line was inserted into the back of her hand to enable them to inject her with the sedation she would need for her operation. With a shaky hand, Alex scribbled her signature onto the forms in the appropriate places, flopping back against the pillow and turning her head towards Olivia. Tears pricked her eyes and her face scrunched up in pain.

"Be here…please, be here," she gasped.

A syringe of clear liquid was injected through the cannula in the back of Alex's hand, the fast acting pre-med sedative beginning to have an effect almost as soon as it entered her bloodstream.

Olivia leant in close, soothing the younger woman's hair back from her heated brow, pressing her lips to the creases there. "Sleep now, sweetheart. Don't fight it. You'll feel much better when you wake up again."

"Please…don't leave me," Alex murmured drowsily.

"I won't, I promise. I'll be right here beside you when you wake up. You just concentrate on getting better, ok? I'll see you very soon." Olivia brushed a feather-light kiss against Alex's lips as the attorney's expression went slack and she succumbed to the powerful sleep agent she had been given. "I love you, Alex Cabot, so don't you go leaving me either. You hear me? You come back to me soon."

"Let's roll," the doctor barked, prompting a fresh flurry of activity. "Follow us up to the surgical floor, there's a waiting room up there you can use while you wait for news," he informed Olivia as she was forced to let her lover's hand go so they could wheel her unconscious form out.

She strode with hurried paces back to where she had left Abbie, collecting the pacing Texan and Elliot before leading them to the elevators and punching the number for the surgical floor. The trio swept out as soon as the door opened, hastily making their way to where they might find someone to point them in the right direction. A kindly, though harassed nurse ushered them into a quiet waiting area and advised them that someone would be out to update them in due course.

"Did they say how long the surgery's likely to take?" Abbie asked, her voice tense and low in the hushed room.

"No…I…I never thought to ask. It was all a bit of a rush," Liv stated, disappointed in herself for not having thought to question someone, anyone about what to expect. Her main concern, her _only_ concern had been seeing that Alex received the treatment she needed.

"When Dickie had his appendix out, he was in the OR for just under an hour, in hospital for a day and then back to school after a week," Elliot announced, wanting to offer his partner some small semblance of comfort.

"That's good, that's not long to wait," the brunette murmured, pacing up and down in the small room like a caged animal, unable to quell her anxiety or shake off her excess energy.

"Come on Liv, come and take a seat. If you keep that up the entire time, you'll wear a hole in the floor and your legs will be a good few inches shorter by the time Alex is out of surgery!" Abbie joked, hoping to lighten the mood. Seeing that her friend was too anxious to be cajoled, she stated confidently, "she's in the best place, Olivia. They can do whatever needs to be done now and she'll be back on her feet in no time."

"I know…I know…I'm just…" Liv finally collapsed into a seat beside Abbie. "Do I go to her apartment and get her something to wear or will they keep her in one of those horrible gowns? She's going to need a change of clothes to go home in though, something soft, comfortable. I should probably call her family, even if they won't care, they should probably know she's in surgery. Do I have time to get to her apartment and back before she's out of surgery? I have to be here, I can't…I can't…" Liv began hyperventilating as the adrenaline rush from the evening wore off and shock set in.

"Hey, hey, slow down. Alex is going to be pretty out of it until the morning so you've got plenty of time to be sorting out things like clothes and telling her family. Right now, all you need to do is concentrate on how much better she's going to feel when she wakes up…not just because her appendix will be gone and no longer causing her that pain but also knowing that you faced your fear and are still there for her. Only a few weeks ago, you'd have bolted out of the door by now, terrified at the thought of losing her and I get that you're still every bit as scared right now but the important thing is that you're controlling it rather than it controlling you." Abbie pulled a somewhat reluctant Olivia into her arms, tenderly soothing her hands in random patterns over the older woman's back until she had calmed.

Seeing that the Texan had things under control and feeling like he needed to do something, Elliot informed them, "I'll go check in with the Captain, let him know how Alex is doing so he can update Munch and Fin." Receiving a couple of distracted nods in response, he headed for the door, where he turned and called back, "she'll be ok, Liv, she's a tough one. If a bullet can't take her out, I'm damn certain a little useless bit of flesh will do her any lasting damage."


	66. Chapter 66

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**So I left Alex in the OR? For this long? Oops, that's a marathon operation, isn't it? Lol. I've not been idle in that time, I promise. Muse has had me slaving away writing this installment and a good majority of the next too so I'm very hopeful the next chapter after this one will be up at weekend.**_

_**As always, thank you to all of you who are reading this and to those who take the time to let me know your thoughts. Welcome to new readers - I truly salute you for wading through 60+ chapters and I'm touched you've stuck with it this far!**_

_**The sun is shining, the temperature is climbing and I'm sulking because I'm back in work! I think Mother Nature is being deliberately mean seeing as how it was cloudy and cool(ish) last week while I was on vacation! Oh well, it's Wednesday at least, soon be weekend.**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday April 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**23.14**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

"Olivia, any news?" Liz Donnelly barked as she stalked into the waiting room.

"Nothing since she went into the OR," Liv replied sadly from her seat beside Abbie, whose arm was still draped around the detective's shoulders in a small gesture of support. "Did Captain Cragen call you?" Olivia asked, her mind sluggish to work out how the judge knew to come to the hospital.

"He did. I would lambast you for not doing so yourself but I can see that you only have Alexandra on your mind, so you're forgiven…this time," the formidable blonde warned. "I've brought some of Alexandra's things so you'll have no need to leave her to fetch anything." There was a definite ice to the older woman's tone, letting Olivia know that while Alex may be willing to offer her forgiveness, Liz would be less swift to forget how badly the brunette had let Alex down.

"I'm not going anywhere. I made Alex a promise and it's a promise that I fully intend on keeping. Nothing and no one will make me leave her side once she's out of that operating room," Olivia insisted firmly.

"I'm glad to hear it because I've told the staff you will be spending the night in Alexandra's room with her and I'd hate to be made to look like a fool." The brusque way in which Liz spoke of the trouble she had gone to for the comfort of her God-daughter belied the worry she felt for the young woman's welfare.

"I won't let her down…or you," Liv assured her tiredly, letting her head drop forward.

The medic who had been in charge of Alex's care stepped into the waiting room, glancing around at the small crowd. Spying Olivia, he approached her directly. "Detective Benson? Could I speak with you please?"

"How's Alex? Is she ok? Please, tell me she's ok," the brunette practically begged of the surgeon. He looked uneasily around at the gathered group, seeing each of them listening in with keen interest. Olivia saw where his attention was and snapped, "they're Alex's friends and colleagues. You can talk to me in front of them, they have just as much right to know as I do."

With one final wary glance at those hovering around him, the doctor gave in to the easiest course of action, wanting nothing more than to go and find a large, strong cup of coffee. "The operation to remove Miss Cabot's appendix was as successful as we could have hoped for. There was no sign of the infection which had caused the inflammation having spread to the surrounding tissue although we would ask that someone remain with her for the first 24 hours after she's discharged, just to make sure there is no residual infection. We were able to remove the appendix via laparoscopy so, as long as Miss Cabot progresses as we'd hope she does, there's no reason why she won't be released tomorrow afternoon. She's currently in the recovery suite, just while the nurses check she has come round from the anaesthetic satisfactorily, but once she's settled into her room, I'll send someone out to fetch you. I'm afraid we will have to limit visitors to just Detective Benson for tonight. It's late and Miss Cabot will be best served sleeping to allow her body time to heal itself." There was a collective sigh of relief as the news was delivered that Alex was going to be ok.

"Thank you," Olivia offered on behalf of all of those in the room, both for the information and for the care their friend had been afforded.

"You're welcome. If there's anything you need during the night, just let one of the staff know," the surgeon replied genially, offering her a sympathetic smile.

"I'll be fine. No one will need know I'm here," Liv promised, grateful for the leniency being shown to her even as she realised that it was Alex's money and her family connections which were greasing the wheels in a way that had never been possible for herself and Samia.

"I'll call Captain Cragen, let him know you'll be taking a day tomorrow and that you're unavailable this weekend," Elliot offered as the surgeon left them.

"I'm sure Don will understand. If he doesn't, I'll explain it to him," Liz Donnelly retorted, not prepared for anyone to inadvertently assist in hurting the God-daughter she cared for so deeply.

Abbie rose from her seat beside Olivia with a tired sigh. "You mind if I go make a phone call too?" she asked the still seated brunette.

"No, of course not. Do whatever you need to do, Abs," Liv assured her friend, fixing her with a grateful smile. "Thanks for everything tonight, all of you."

"We're staying until we know Alex is settled in her room with you by her side," Liz advised firmly, making it clear that she expected the other two to stay that long also, presumably in case she needed assistance with whooping Liv's ass if she tried to bolt.

"I wouldn't have it any other way," Olivia replied equally as confidently.

Abbie stepped away from where Elliot was calling the Captain, wanting some small semblance of privacy for her own phone call. She realised it was late but there was a pressing need within her to make contact with Kate, to reach out to the older woman and hear her voice.

"_Abbie? What's up?_" Kate asked as soon as the call connected, having seen the Texan's number flash up on her caller-ID.

"Hey Kate, sorry to call you so late. I've just had a really long day and…I needed to speak to you. I'm sorry if I disturbed you," Abbie stated, contrition lacing her tone alongside the almost crushing weariness.

"_Don't apologise. I'm glad you phoned. Want to talk about your rough day?_" Kate offered warmly.

"I'm at the hospital with Olivia. Alex was taken ill, appendicitis. She's had to have emergency surgery. We're just waiting for her to come out of recovery. Liv's staying with her overnight." Abbie felt a shiver run through her body as the cool early spring night air seeped into her bones, her work attire doing little to protect her from the cold.

"_Why don't you come over here when you get away from the hospital? You don't sound like you want to spend the night alone and if I'm honest, I'll only be worrying about you being alone all night if you're not here with me,_" Kate suggested tenderly, wishing she was there with Abbie so she could hold her close and reassure her that everything would be ok.

"Would you mind? I mean, I'm not the greatest company tonight but…" Abbie began, already thinking of reasons why going to Kate's was a bad idea.

"_But nothing. Text me when you're leaving the hospital so I know what sort of time to expect you. Doesn't matter how late it gets, ok? Come over and let me help you unwind from your day._" The two women exchanged a few further words of endearment before disconnecting the call. Abbie turned back to where she had left Elliot, surprised to see him standing close behind her.

"Arranging tonight's booty call?" he sneered, tiredness and worry releasing the ugly side of his nature once more.

"Not tonight, Elliot, ok? Don't do this tonight. We're all too tired, too stressed and too highly strung for that. Not that it's any of your business but I was actually arranging to see a woman I'm dating. Yes, dating. Not sleeping with, not fucking and running but full-on, adult relationship style dating." Abbie breezed past the brawny detective, leaving him speechless in her wake as she made her way back to the room where they had left Olivia to the mercies of Liz.

"I hope you realise how privileged you are that Alexandra decided to give you another chance," Liz mentioned shortly after Abbie and Elliot had left the room.

"For what it's worth, I do realise that. I know that lucky doesn't even begin to describe it and I know that I have a lot I need to do to prove to Alex and to those who care about her that I won't hurt her that way again," Olivia assured the older woman, squirming slightly under her unrelenting stare.

"All you need to do is love her and treat her as she deserves to be treated. She has had so many disappointments in her life, don't be yet another that she has to learn to live with," the judge advised. "Give me your cell phone," she ordered sternly. Olivia handed it over without complaint although her expression did betray her bemusement. After tapping a few buttons, Liz handed the device back. "I've programmed my personal cell and home phone numbers into you address book. They are not for sharing with anyone else under any circumstances and I counsel you to use them wisely. I expect to hear from you tomorrow when Alexandra is being released. If there's anything more she needs bringing, I will be available to collect it from her apartment and deliver it here."

Further discourse was prevented by the return of Abbie and Elliot, their faces tense and their body language screaming an underlying hostility.

"Everything ok with Captain Cragen?" Liv questioned, assuming the friction was work-related.

"Yeah, he said for you to take whatever time you need and to send Alex the squad's best wishes for a speedy recovery," Elliot replied, perching in a chair some distance away from where Abbie had stopped.

"You ok, Abs?" Liv queried, cautiously approaching the lithe brunette whose body was humming with barely concealed tension. "Did you speak to the guys working Sam's case?"

"No, I called Kate," Abbie informed her friend tightly, glancing over her shoulder at Olivia's work partner with a derisory glare.

"Is she ok? Is everything ok with you two?" Olivia asked worriedly, fearing that on top of the stress of the day, Abbie was having to deal with rejection by the woman she had developed feelings for.

"She's fine…she actually invited me over to her place tonight so I don't have to be on my own. It's actually…you know, it's nice to know there's someone willing to be there for me after a bad day." Abbie's tone and expression softened as she recalled the insistent way Kate persuaded her to visit.

"That sounds like just what you need. It's been a hell of a day all round, you deserve some happiness to end it with. So what's with the scowl you had when you walked back in here?" Liv pressed gently, her voice low and intimate, keeping their conversation as private as it could be in an open waiting room with Liz and Elliot looking on.

"Your partner can be a total asshole sometimes," Abbie stated vehemently. "He jumped to conclusions after eavesdropping on my phone call with Kate, assuming that I was more interested in getting my rocks off than in Alex's wellbeing." Olivia's head whirled round to fix the sole male in the room with a withering glare.

"What did he say?" Liv demanded fiercely.

"He asked me if I was 'arranging tonight's booty call' after I'd hung up," Abbie supplied without remorse.

Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and forefinger, exasperated beyond belief by her partner's lack of grace. "Leave him to me and don't let him get to you, Abs, ok? You know the truth. Alex and I know how much you care for her, for us both, and we also know that Kate means far more to you than a quick fuck. Why don't you call for a cab and head over to Kate's now? I doubt you want El giving you a ride anywhere and there's nothing more you can do here really."

"I'd rather wait until I know Alex is settled in her room, if that's ok? I don't think my brain will really believe she's alright until then." Abbie allowed herself to be pulled into a warm hug, gratefully clinging on to the older woman offering her support and encouragement as she negotiated the tricky waters of her first real relationship.

"Of course it's ok," Liv acknowledged, guiding them both to sit in chairs beside Liz who merely looked quizzically at Olivia over Abbie's bowed head.

"Olivia Benson?" a female voice called from the doorway, forcing Liv to her feet once again. "If you'll follow me, I'll take you through to Miss Cabot's room."

"Send her our love, Olivia," Liz requested kindly towards the detective's retreating back. Once Olivia was out of the room, the judge's attention turned to Elliot. Though she had given nothing away, she had managed to overhear the vast majority of the conversation between the two brunettes. "Why don't you go home, Detective Stabler? I can give Miss Carmichael a lift to wherever she needs to go. Your services are no longer needed."

"Alex is my friend too," Elliot protested petulantly.

"Wrong Detective, Alex is your colleague. If she was your friend, you wouldn't have assumed that she was trying to manipulate Olivia into a relationship before she was sufficiently recovered from her grief and trauma. If she was your friend, you would know that she has had strong feelings towards your partner for many years but has always denied herself the joy of acknowledging them. If any of these women were truly your friends, you would put aside your own beliefs and prejudices and be happy for them wherever they found love, affection and companionship. Go home, Detective Stabler and the next time you speak to Miss Carmichael, the first words out of your mouth ought to be a well thought out apology," Liz commanded in her sternest tone, usually only heard in court. The swarthy detective rose from his seat and stalked out of the door, anger emanating from his every pore at being so callously dismissed, even as he acknowledged that it was mostly his own fault for losing his cool with Abbie and saying something so stupid, so hurtful. It appeared he still had a way to go before he could truly say to himself he accepted the relationships chosen by Liv, Alex and Abbie as viable but it was work he intended to put in if it meant he could avoid causing any future distress.

Olivia followed the nurse through a warren of corridors until they came to a private room whose door was closed. With a quiet knock, the tiny woman who had fetched Liv from the waiting area pushed open the door and granted her entrance. In the centre of the spartan room lay Alex sleeping in a narrow hospital cot, body encased in crisp white sheets. Her skin was pale, almost as white as those blankets lying over her but the strong regular beeping of the heart monitor the attorney was connected to reassured Liv that her lover was doing well.

"She's still quite groggy from the sedation but she was awake and talking in the recovery suite," the nurse assured the brunette, accurately reading her tense stance and slight frown. "I'll bring you a pillow and a blanket so you can get yourself as comfortable as you can in the chair. I'm on duty until six o'clock tomorrow morning so if you need anything, just come and find me and I'll see what I can do."

"Thank you," Liv murmured sincerely, walking further into the room and dragging the chair closer to the bed. She sank into the seat and reached for Alex with shaking hands, gripping a limp palm in her own.

The blonde stirred at the touch, eyes flickering open and blinking a few times before managing to focus on the slightly blurry outline of a brunette beside her. "Liv?" she husked, throat dry and scratchy from where they had had to insert a breathing tube while she was under the anaesthetic.

"I'm here, honey. You just rest up and sleep it off. I'll still be here in the morning when you wake up," Olivia assured her, reaching up and brushing a stray lock of hair from Alex's brow, tenderly stroking her thumb across the smooth skin of her forehead rhythmically in a soothing motion.

"Thank you…for being here…for not running from this…from us," Alex managed, trying to twist slightly so that she was angled more towards Olivia but thwarted by the pain from the site of her surgery.

"Hey, don't go moving about yet. I don't want you busting your stitches open. Liz Donnelly brought you some things from your apartment, some clothes and bits, but the doctors are hopeful I'll be able to take you home tomorrow afternoon so you won't have to be in here too long." Olivia kept her voice low, soft, tender, hoping it would lull the younger woman back off to sleep.

"Did she put a book in there?" Alex asked, her eyes drifting shut again only to be forced back open by the stubborn attorney.

Liv rifled through the meagre collection of Alex's belongings, fingers skimming over clothing and toiletries until she felt the edges of a paperback. "It would seem so. Want me to put it on the locker beside your bed then you can read it if you wake up in the night? I've got your glasses here."

"Will you read a few pages to me?" Alex requested quietly, still fighting the urge to sleep in deference for spending a few more minutes with her partner.

"Will it help you to get back to sleep?" Olivia asked sceptically.

"Hearing your voice…it's soothing. I hate hospitals…I hate the smell of them, the sounds, everything about them. Nothing good ever comes from being in hospital," Alex allowed the brunette a glimpse into the damage done by the numerous occasions Alex had been forced to wake up alone in a hospital bed following the shooting. All of a sudden, the blonde's desperate fear that Olivia would leave her made even more sense. It wasn't only the detective's previous actions which had struck that fear into Alex's heart but her own prior experiences also.

"I think in this instance we might be able to make an exception to that precedent, Counsellor," Olivia purred, hoping to help Alex focus on the potential positives which might hopefully arise from their predicament.

"On what grounds are you basing that?" Alex asked, her mind still foggy from the sedation.

"On the grounds that I was forced to face the prospect of losing you tonight and, whereas a few weeks ago I would have retreated from you rather than deal with that, tonight…my only thoughts were that I couldn't stand to be apart from you. There is nothing that would have driven me away from you tonight and while I'd rather you didn't have to go through what you did, it has proven, to me at least, that I'm getting better at coping with living again…and all the risks which come with _loving_ again. The thought of losing you still petrifies me but I don't want to lose a single solitary second that I can have with you because of that fear. This, being here with you…this is where I know I'm supposed to be. No more running, no more hiding, no more living in the past. I know, fully and completely, that I want everything a future with you has to offer; the good, the painful, the screaming fights, the making up afterwards…" Liv leant in close, hovering over Alex's prone form so she could look into the younger woman's eyes. "I love you, Alex Cabot. I am completely, totally, unashamedly in love with you and I am so happy you've come through this operation and given me the chance to tell you that."

"Kiss me?" Alex requested with tears in her eyes, silently agreeing with Olivia's assertion that something good might just come from this particular hospitalisation. The brunette braced her weight against the head-rail of the bed, lowering her lips to Alex's own The kiss was a sweet, tender affirmation of their love.

Olivia pulled away with a wide smile as she heard the heart monitor speed up. "Ah-ah-ah, you need to keep calm, Miss Cabot, or else I'll be thrown out for over-exciting you." She sat back in the chair beside the bed, once again taking hold of Alex's hand to keep their connection.

Alex rolled her head towards the brunette, returning the pressure in her palm by curling her fingers tightly around Olivia's own hand. "I love you too and your being here, this, means more to me than you can imagine."

"Still want me to read to you for a while?" Liv asked, seeing Alex's eyes drooping again, the fight to stay awake draining from the blonde. All the same, the stubborn woman nodded, a beatific smile settling on her lips at the offer. "Ok," the brunette said as she opened the novel Liz had brought in, finding Alex's book marker placed at the beginning of a chapter, which made knowing where to begin easier for the detective. In dulcet tones, she started to read the words on the page before her, resting the book on the bed beside Alex's hand so that she could maintain some physical contact with the prone woman. The dimness of the lights added an air of intimacy despite their location and Liv allowed herself to imagine a time when they could do the same in an apartment they shared. She continued reading, even after Alex's eyes fluttered closed and stayed that way. Once her breathing had evened out and Liv was certain that the younger woman had succumbed to her need to sleep, she placed the book onto the bedside locker silently.

The door opened with a soft sucking sound, admitting the friendly nurse back into the room with a blanket and a pillow tucked beneath one arm. She shuffled over, handing the bedding to Olivia with a brief smile. "You should get some rest too. She's going to need you to be there for her for the next week or two, no matter how quickly she might want to bounce back. It will take her a while to recover her full strength and stamina," she whispered, patting the brunette on the shoulder before noting down Alex's obs on her chart.

Liv stood from her chair, following the nurse out as she left. "I just need to let my friends know they can go home, that Alex is fine," she explained in response to the puzzled look she received.

"Olivia, how is she?" Abbie asked, bolting to her feet as soon as the brunette stepped back into the waiting room.

"She's fine, sleeping right now but she was awake for a little while and seems much better. She's going to be sore for a while obviously but she's going to be ok. Thanks for staying but you might as well all head home… Where's El?" Liv asked, noticing the burly detective's absence.

"I sent him home to reconsider his attitude. Don't worry, I'll see to it that Miss Carmichael gets to Ms O'Shea's apartment safely," Liz Donnelly provided, gathering her purse and preparing to leave. At Olivia's startled expression, she sighed, "oh for goodness sakes, did you expect us to sit in silence while you were visiting with Alexandra? Unlike Detective Stabler, I see no issue with Miss Carmichael choosing to pursue a relationship with a woman she finds attractive."

"It's fine, Olivia, honestly," Abbie assured the detective with a tired smile, glad to hear that Alex had come through the operation fine. "I'll give you a call tomorrow and see how you're both doing."

"Ok. Say hi to Kate from us, won't you?" Liv requested, allowing the Texan to envelope her in a warm hug as they bid one another farewell.

"Expect a call from me tomorrow too, Olivia. Now move your ass back into that hospital room before Alexandra wakes up again to find you not there," Liz advised with a firm point of her slender finger towards the door the brunette had entered through.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thursday April 9<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**23.51**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

"Come in and let me get you a drink. You look exhausted," Kate cooed as she ushered Abbie into her apartment. "What can I get you? Wine? Beer? Something stronger?"

"As good as that sounds, I think what would really help me right now is…" Abbie paused, unusually reticent to voice her opinion. "You know what? It doesn't matter. A beer would be great."

"No, it wouldn't, obviously. What is that you really want? What can I get you that will make this day any better?" Kate caught Abbie by the elbow as the tall, willowy brunette attempted to brush past on her way into the lounge.

"It's nothing, it doesn't matter. It'd be too much to ask you," the Texan answered dejectedly as she subtly tried to wrest her arm free from Kate's surprisingly strong grip.

"Try me, please?" Kate implored, worried about her new partner, about how lost and defeated she seemed.

"Just…you…your arms…around me," Abbie managed to churn out slowly, each word an effort. This was new to her, having someone to share her burdens with, someone who would be there to support and comfort her after a long and tiring day. She wasn't used to asking for that comfort from anyone and it was an adjustment which would take some time for her to become accustomed to.

"Oh honey," Kate breathed, relieved that the request was something she could freely and easily deliver. "You never need to think that asking me to hold you is too much. My arms would have been open to you even if we'd decided to remain just as friends. Anytime you want me to hold you, I will be more than glad to." Looking up into Abbie's eyes, she still saw a flicker of uncertainty there, as though the younger woman didn't quite believe it would be that easy. "Abbie, if you want to stay here tonight so I can hold you while you sleep, I'm not going to deny you that. In fact, I'd prefer it if you did stay. That way I can know how much rest you're getting and I can feel like I'm helping you in some small way. I can't take away the worry about Alex or the horrors you're dealing with in your work but I can at least offer you a refuge from all that, somewhere to go where you don't have to carry the weight of all that alone. Let me do that for you, please." As she spoke, Kate pulled Abbie into her, wrapping her up in a warm embrace and allowing the affection she felt for the brunette to show in the tender way she cradled her.

Abbie sank into the hug, her weary body drawing strength from the physical support being given to her. Her own arms wormed their way around Kate's waist, her head coming to rest against the side of the redhead's fiery mane. She felt some of the residual tension from the day draining out of her, her mind quietening down until she could pick out individual thoughts from the multitude which had been bombarding her. Kate, it appeared, was the salve her soul needed, the balm which her entire being was yearning for. "You're amazing," she murmured reverently. "I'd love to stay but…"

"No!" Kate hushed her swiftly before she could make any excuses for why it was impossible for her to stay. "Tonight there are no 'buts'. You'd love to stay, I'd love for you to stay, so stay you will."

The fight drained out of Abbie, allowing her to silently acquiesce to the older woman's determined insistence. As much as she fought being reliant on anyone except herself, she had to acknowledge that it was a heady and not at all unpleasant feeling having someone offering her their unwavering support. She felt herself being manoeuvred towards the back of the apartment, to where she assumed Kate's bedroom was, and allowed her legs to carry her forwards unresistingly. Fatigue was lapping at the edges of her brain, her eyes gritty and dry from the warm hospital air and too many hours of being open.

"Any of my sleep shorts would fall off those skinny legs of yours so you'll have to make do with an old t-shirt I'm afraid," Kate confessed as she handed Abbie a generous white cotton tee which had undoubtedly seen better days but felt refreshingly soft in her hands. She lifted it to her face and breathed in the undeniable scent she had come to associate with the redhead, unable to prevent the contented smile which lazily settled on her lips as her brain processed the olfactory information.

"It smells of you," she hummed dreamily.

"It is clean," Kate assured, worried that it was deficient to Abbie in some way.

"It's perfect," the Texan replied, looking up from where she had sunk to the edge of the bed and pinning her lover with an earnest, grateful gaze. "You're perfect."

Kate snorted softly an shook her head. "No, honey, I'm not but I hope I'm what you need me to be tonight…and always."

"You are, Kate. You're exactly what I need and what I want, even if I didn't realise it until I met you." Never having been ashamed of her body and having undressed in front of many women in her time, Abbie stood from the bed and began shedding her clothing.

Kate's skin flushed, her eyes darting away from the smooth, toned flesh being uncovered. Hastily, she grabbed her own sleep attire and made to leave the room. "I'll…uh…I'll leave you to it while I…use the bathroom." She dashed out of the door before Abbie could stop her, leaving the Texan to curse herself for making the older woman uncomfortable. She mentally berated herself for not considering Kate's feelings, for not realising that while she had disrobed frequently in the presence of other women, Kate had probably not done so and so would likely be more skittish about displaying her body…or viewing Abbie's.

"Idiot," she muttered, cursing herself as she violently folded the suit skirt and jacket and blouse she had taken off. She slipped the borrowed sleepwear over her head, reaching inside it to shed her bra in a deferent attempt at some form of modesty, in case Kate returned. She looked down at herself, satisfied that the length of the tee was decent enough not to make the older woman any more uncomfortable, though there was still a long expanse of her legs which were exposed to the still chilly night air.

"You look like that was bought for you to grow into," Kate joked from the doorway, lips pursed together in an effort to stifle the laugh threatening to bubble out from within her.

"It's fine," Abbie assured her softly, returning the smile with less humour. She took in Kate's own choice of pyjamas – a loose tee of her own and long flannelette pants which hung loosely from her more generous hips – and she couldn't help but swallow thickly at the pang of desire which coursed through her veins. "I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable…before when I…you know, just started tearing my clothes off. I forget that not everyone wants to see my body flashed in their faces…" Though her tone suggested she was joking, the expression of utter contrition on Abbie's face tugged at Kate's heart.

"Oh honey, you have nothing to be sorry for. Hell, if I had your body, I'd be proud to show it off. You just caught me by surprise is all and I knew…if I'd stayed while you undressed…if I'd seen what you hide beneath your clothes, I'd want to do more than just hold you in my arms tonight. And I honestly don't think that's what you need right now." Kate stepped into the room, placing her own pile of folded clothes in the bottom of the closet out of the way. As she straightened up, she became aware of Abbie behind her, far closer than she had been previously.

"Kate, you being here in any capacity is precisely what I need right now. If you want more than to hold me and to be held tonight, I won't deny either of us that." Reaching out and grasping one of Kate's hands loosely, Abbie brought it to her chest, pressing the palm over the solid ribs beneath which her heart was beating a rapid tattoo. "Can you feel what you do to me? That is the effect your presence has on me."

"It scares me…that the reality won't match up to what you imagine me to be. I'm not like you, Abbie. I don't have a toned body, pert breasts and a tight butt. I have stretch marks from when I was pregnant with Erin. My breasts sag when they're not strapped into my industrial strength bra. I have a scar from my C-section. I have fat on my belly and hips that I think I semi-successfully hide beneath carefully selected clothing…" Kate continued the assassination of her image until Abbie's lips silenced her with a searing kiss.

"None of that could make me want you less. Do you really think I'm that shallow that I'd be put off by the fact that your body is a little bit lived in? _You_ are the woman who drew me in and attracted my attention. _You_ are the woman who has the ability to make my heart race and my stomach churn with anticipation. _You_ are the woman I would like to kiss and touch and share every physical expression of love with. To me, you are every bit as beautiful as any movie star or idol who is held up as the epitome of attractiveness, if not more so because your spirit is so adorable too and because you are so unaware of just how amazing you are," Abbie murmured, her lips still resting lightly against Kate's own as she sought to reassure her insecure lover. "I'm not without my own shortcomings either: my hips are too narrow; my breasts are too small; my legs are so long I look like a giraffe. I have a scar on my right knee from where I had to have a cartilage repair done in my teens after I pushed myself too far, too fast running track. I have another scar over my left hip where I wiped out on my bike when I was 24 years old." Abbie took a fortifying breath as she readied herself to share her most closely guarded scar, the invisible one that very few people knew about. "I carry my own fair share of emotional baggage too. For instance, I don't like to be pinned down by a lover because it reminds me of when I was raped as a freshman."

Kate gasped, horrified to hear that the younger woman had gone through such an ordeal and all the more amazed by how cool and well-adjusted Abbie was. She saw that the brunette had misread her reaction, assuming it to be disgust aimed at her personally rather than the heinous crime committed upon her, and with lightning fast reflexes, she dragged Abbie's body back against her own, preventing her retreat. "I am so, so sorry you were raped, sweetheart, but that doesn't make me feel any differently about you. Well no, that's not technically true because if anything, it makes me admire you more. You're so strong, so sure of yourself and of what you want, so confident. I wish I could be more like you. I wish I could believe I was worth even half of what you tell me you feel about me."

"It'll come, in time. I'm pretty persuasive when I want to be," Abbie advised, cuddling deeper into the older woman's embrace. "But for what it's worth, I think you're pretty adorable just as you are." The brunette attempted, unsuccessfully, to stifle a wide yawn.

"Come on, let's get you into bed," Kate instructed, steering Abbie towards the large divan which dominated the room. Her maternal instincts took over as she cooed over the younger woman, helping her to climb beneath the covers and tucking her in before stepping around the bed and slipping into the other side. As soon as she settled onto her back, Abbie rolled into her side, cuddling up against her and draping one arm across her midriff. Kate placed her hand on top of the lean forearm, holding it in place and caressing it gently with her thumb.

"Thank you…for letting me be here with you tonight. I had no idea I needed this as much as I do," Abbie murmured, voice already beginning to betray her sleepiness.

"I'll be here for you any time you want me to be, honey. Any time, any way, anywhere," Kate assured her, letting her own eyes drift shut as a gentle smile settled on her lips. "Wake me if you need me…if I don't already wake up with you."

"Night Kate," Abbie whispered, pressing the briefest of kisses against the redhead's neck.

"Night sweetheart," came the heartfelt response before both women let fatigue claim them.

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><p><em><strong>Friday April 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**03.29**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

A nurse slipped into Alex's room as quietly as she could, stepping on silent feet towards the bed, smiling softly when she saw her patient was awake. "You should be sleeping, Miss Cabot," she whispered, sparing a glance at the woman's companion who was curled around her borrowed pillow in the chair, fast asleep. The blanket draped over her had fallen off her shoulders, pooling in her lap and leaving her upper torso exposed to the marginally cooler night air.

"She's even more beautiful when she's sleeping," Alex stated softly, relishing the opportunity to witness Olivia so untroubled. "Could you fix her blanket for her, please? I don't want her waking up because she's cold."

The nurse did as she had been requested, pulling the soft material up and gently tucking it back around the brunette's twisted form. For a moment, both the nurse and Alex held their breath as Olivia stirred slightly, the sensation of being re-covered penetrating on some level but not sufficiently to rouse her. "Do you need me to get you something to help you sleep?"

"No, thank you. I have everything I need right here," Alex replied, her gaze never wavering from her partner. Part of her barely dared to believe that if she looked away, the spell wouldn't be broken and Olivia wouldn't vanish like an apparition.

"How's your pain?" the nurse asked, still busying herself with her patient's welfare.

"It's manageable. Compared to how it was prior to the operation, it's nothing," Alex assured the kind woman, still not managing to tear her eyes away from the gorgeous brunette detective.

"She's a very lucky woman, to have you look at her that way," Alex's nurse stated with a wide smile.

"I'm the lucky one. It's not everyone who'd squash themselves into a chair like that all night with little regard for their own comfort simply to keep me company. It's definitely me who's lucky to have her in my life," Alex protested softly, wishing she could lean over and run her fingers through Liv's hair, an action which had previously proved soothing to them both.

"It shouldn't be too long before you can get back to all your normal activities…although I'm sure the doctor will advise you in the morning to abstain from strenuous physical exertion for the next week or two. We'll try getting you out of bed after breakfast and see how you get on with walking around the ward a little. Then, once your body has proven it's functioning normally – which means passing urine and opening your bowels – it's highly likely you'll be discharged into Miss Benson's care. So I strongly suggest you do try to sleep while you can, you might be surprised with how much tomorrow will take out of you." The veiled references to not being able to engage in any sexual activity for a while left Alex irrationally frustrated, despite their relationship not having progressed that far yet. As she allowed her mind to sift through the information however, she felt an element of relief taking hold, knowing that it would allow her and Olivia time to enjoy being around one another again, to share living space – since Alex assumed it would indeed be the brunette who would be taking care of her – without the pressure of expectation for anything more to occur.

"I will sleep…I just…seeing Liv like this is rare, I just wanted to take a moment to cherish it," Alex admitted with a gentle blush.

"Ok. Well I'm done here for now so I'll be back to check on you in a few hours. Sweet dreams," the diminutive nurse mentioned with a quick wink and a cheeky smile.

"Thanks," Alex answered with her own grin, settling back into the pillows behind her head and letting her body relax. She closed her eyes, satisfied that her lover would still be there when she woke up again.


	67. Chapter 67

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Seeing as how I have what is shaping up to be a busy weekend ahead, I figured I'd upload this chapter tonight rather than keeping you waiting til late on Sunday/into Monday for it. Alex is continuing with her recovery, Kate and Abbie are continuing to connect and the world continues to turn.**_

_**Thanks to everyone for reading and to those who have taken the time to offer their thoughts. To the anonymous reviewer who considers the portrayal of Elliott to be OOC in this fic because I'm pushing some personal agenda of my own through him, I'm not saying you're not entitled to think that but I would like to take the opportunity to offer an alternative point of view. In my mind, Elliot's responses are generated intially from his deep disappointment and hurt that Olivia didn't confide in him that she was in a serious relationship of any kind, let alone with another woman. They are also the result of his strict Catholic background, which is not best known for its sympathy towards same sex relationships. As has been illustrated by a subsequent review responding to points raised, Elliot's character on screen has, time and again, lashed out verbally at those around him when stressed, anxious or overtired. He has well documented anger issues and has previously displayed a lack of respect for his colleagues through his actions and words. Just my perspective of him, a character I consider to be heavily flawed, just like a regular human being. As for me personally writing him as I do because I'm a man-hater, I would like to put out there that there are numerous other characters (Fin, Munch, Cragen, Fausto) who last I checked were all male and all displayed no hostility or testosterone-filled posturing regarding Olivia's relationship with either Sam or Alex. Again, not saying each person is not entitled to their own opinion, just offering an alternative perspective...**_

_**Moving on, a big wave and a cheery hello to first time reviewers LogicBomb.32, MHfanSmoezz & bristow1965 and to those who regularly review, have PM'd and tweeted me, thank you all. Your feedback does encourage Muse regarding the direction of the story ;) (Muse is pleased Kate is proving popular!)**_

_**Onwards...**_

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><p><em><strong>Friday April 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**06.45**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

"Morning Miss Cabot, how are you feeling this morning?" an overly cheerful nurse called as she entered the room, effectively startling both occupants to alertness. Alex merely groaned and tried to bury her head into the pillow, determined to ignore the intruder. Liv scrubbed her face with both hands, pushing the blanket down into her lap and attempting to stretch out the kinks in her muscles as they screamed at her for sleeping in such an awkward position.

"She's not much of a morning person," Liv supplied, leaning forward to grasp Alex's hand between both of her own. "Morning sweetheart," she murmured warmly, raising the hand to her lips and kissing its knuckles reverently.

"I need you to wake up for me, Miss Cabot, so I can check everything I need to before your breakfast is delivered. Once you've had something – I'm afraid it will just be some juice or jello for now until the doctor is sure your digestive system can cope – we will be getting you up out of bed. Do you have some easy clothes to change into?" the nurse asked brightly.

"There's a bag of things in her locker that a friend brought in last night. I'm sure there'll be something suitable in there that she can wear," Liv replied helpfully.

"Can Olivia be the one to help me getting dressed?" Alex mumbled shyly, not wishing to be even semi-naked in front of any more people than she had to be.

"If you're both comfortable with that and think you can manage, I can't see it being a problem – as long as you take care not to over exert yourself and put any stress on your stitches." The nurse pulled Alex's chart out of the holder on the wall, flipping it open to the appropriate page and laying it flat on the over-bed table at the patient's feet. She began noting down Alex's pulse rate and blood pressure, taking her temperature and checking a few other things. "It says here that you declined pain meds during the night. I'd recommend taking some this morning so that they have time to work before you start moving around."

"Why didn't you want them during the night?" Liv questioned worriedly. "Were you awake a lot? Why didn't you wake me up?"

"I was awake for maybe half an hour and the pain wasn't bad enough that I felt the need for any more meds. I didn't want to wake you up, not when you were actually sleeping for a change. The nurse who came in during the night said you're going to need your strength to look after me anyway, so it's only fair I let you sleep while you had the chance," Alex quipped huskily, her voice still rough from her slumbers.

Liv removed one hand from Alex's shifting it to stroke the blonde's hair gently. "Please take some pain meds this morning. I don't think I could stand seeing you suffering when they get you on your feet."

"Ok…for you," Alex acquiesced, leaning into the tender touch as Liv's hand drifted lower to cup Alex's cheek. The nurse stifled a smile as she watched the exchange, knowing that the brunette would find a way to persuade the patient to do anything for her, just by the way they looked at one another.

"I'll get those dispensed to you for you to take with your breakfast," she mentioned. "Just a couple more things, then I'll leave you ladies to it. Miss Cabot, have you used the toilet since you came out of surgery?"

"Umm…no," Alex stammered, never having been comfortable with the need to discuss bodily functions during her hospital stays.

"We will need to be sure that everything is functioning properly before the doctor will consider letting you go home," the nurse advised. "If you find you have any difficulties passing water or opening your bowels, let one of us know immediately. Whatever you do, don't strain to make it happen, you stand to do damage to yourself and will only be masking a potential underlying cause." By the time the nurse had finished, Alex's skin was pink tinged, her eyes downcast away from the other occupants of the room. "Alright, that's all I need for now. Someone will be along shortly with something for you to eat and I'll be back in a little while to see how you get on out of bed."

Liv looked at her uncomfortable lover after the nurse had left the room, waiting to see if she would voluntarily reinstate eye contact now that they were alone. "Hey," she called softly when it became apparent that Alex had no intention of raising her gaze. "You ok?" the brunette asked gently.

"Yeah…just…it's…it's embarrassing, having to have that kind of stuff monitored," Alex complained tiredly.

"It's short term. It stands to reason they need to know everything's ok down there given where they were operating on you. All you need to do is what comes naturally and you'll be on your way home where I promise, I won't keep tabs on how many times you go to the toilet…unless you don't, at all, and then I might start asking questions and getting worried," Liv joked lamely.

"And what if I don't feel the need to go? I ate next to nothing yesterday and by the sounds of it, I'll be on a restricted diet today. What if my metabolism just doesn't…produce anything? Please, don't let them keep me in here just because I can't take a crap on demand," Alex pleaded desperately.

"Don't get worked up about it. I'm sure you wouldn't be the first person, or the last, to experience…performance anxiety in that department and I've no doubt that they have methods they can employ to check things are moving through as they should which won't involve you taking up one of their beds any longer than necessary," Liv assured the younger woman confidently. Seeing that the attorney's mind was still working overtime, considering all the worst case scenarios which might befall her, the brunette distracted Alex with a gentle kiss to her lips. When Alex's hands wound into her hair and massaged her scalp and the monitor tracking her pulse rate began to beep more quickly, she tried to ease back, to cool the kiss down but the attorney had other ideas. Alex gripped her more tightly, pulled her more firmly against her mouth and kissed her even more fervently. When they finally parted, both of them were breathing deeply, their chests heaving simultaneously. "Not that I'm complaining but what brought that on?" Liv asked as she caressed the younger woman's cheek.

"I didn't thank you…for still being here this morning…for being here during the night when I woke up. This is the first time I've been in hospital and not been alone…and it means the world to me that you were willing to put yourself through a night in that chair just to be here for me," Alex replied, pressing her palm over Olivia's and tilting her head until she could kiss the warm hand.

"There's no 'just' about being here for you. I love you, this is where I want to be and after all you did to help me get back on _my_ feet, this is the absolute very least I can do in return," Olivia informed her partner sweetly, leaning down to rest her forehead against Alex's and gently nuzzling their noses together before pressing another, more swift, kiss to her thin lips.

"Oh sorry," a male voice called from the doorway. Both women looked across to the latest interloper with matching apologetic smiles. "I just need to drop this off for Miss Cabot. Miss Benson, the nurse asked me to let you know that the canteen is open from 7.30am if you want anything to eat or drink any time. To find it, take a left out of here, then your first right, up one flight of stairs and it's just through the double doors." The young man slid the tray containing Alex's meagre breakfast onto the over-bed table, manoeuvring it until it was within the patient's reaching distance.

"Thanks," Olivia offered on behalf of them both, knowing it was unlikely she would be leaving Alex, no matter how hungry she got.

"See how you get on with this for now, Miss Cabot, and if this stays down ok and doesn't upset your system, we'll try you on some solid food. The tablets in the small pot are the pain meds you've been prescribed." With a final glance between the two women, still maintaining physical contact with one another through tightly held hands, the young man fled the room on swift feet. Alex and Olivia shared an amused glance after his departure, each chuckling lightly in his wake until the blonde hissed in discomfort at the overuse of her sore abdominal muscles.

"Hey, take it easy there. Want me to help you sit up a bit so you can drink this?" Liv asked, indicating the tumbler of pale pink liquid which had been left for her.

"Yeah, please," Alex replied, gritting her teeth in anticipation of the pain it was likely to cause her. Between them, and with only a few expletives being uttered, they manoeuvred Alex into a semi-seated position, propped up by the numerous pillows at the head of her bed. By the time it was done, there was a thin sheen of sweat peppering Alex's brow with the effort of exertion it had taken. She groaned dejectedly, letting her head flop back as she accepted that her recovery would be less instant than she had hoped. "How can _that_ tire me out? I barely moved," she complained.

"Alex, sweetheart, your body has been through traumatic surgery not even twelve hours ago. How about cutting yourself some slack? As much as you'd like to believe you are, you're not a superhero with magical self-healing powers. I'm afraid you're a mere mortal, like the rest of us, and it takes time – and patience – to get over surgery. You're going to need to rest, a lot, over the next few days, combined with short, regular walks around the apartment, nothing more strenuous than that for now," Olivia instructed, handing Alex the plastic glass and the medicine pot containing her tablets. "Now drink some of that, take your meds and hopefully they'll take the edge off that pain for you so you're ready for when we get you dressed."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**07.02**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

Abbie gradually felt awareness returning to her as the early morning light slipped between a gap in the curtains. As consciousness kicked in, she became aware of a body pressed up against her front, her own spooned in behind it, her arm draped casually across Kate's waist. Their legs were semi-entwined with one of Abbie's resting between Kate's splayed thighs. The Texan breathed in deeply, inhaling her lover's scent and revelling in the sense of comfort it brought. Subconsciously, she pulled their bodies closer together, moulding herself against Kate's length and nuzzling her face into the crook of the older woman's neck, absently kissing the soft skin she found there.

Kate was roused from the light sleep she had fallen back into by the feel of gentle lips against her neck. A contented smile spread across her face as she pressed back into the embrace her lover was offering. "Good morning," she murmured sleepily, twisting her head around as far as it would go to meet the brunette's warm gaze.

"Morning," Abbie hummed as she propped herself up on one elbow allowing her to better see the older woman's face. She dipped down to kiss Kate, surprised when the redhead turned her head away.

"Give me a chance to brush my teeth first so you don't have to suffer my morning breath," Kate explained shyly.

Abbie merely cupped her cheek, guiding Kate's face back around to her own and holding it in place as she planted a kiss against reluctant lips. The Texan lapped at the barrier with her tongue, pressing and probing, hinting at her desire to be permitted entrance despite the older woman not yet having seen to her personal hygiene routine. As arousal began to flood her system, Kate acquiesced to the silent request, diligently returning the feverish kiss, squirming around to lie on her back so that they could cling to one another more comfortably. Abbie's thigh slid back between Kate's legs, hovering close to but not yet making contact with her centre. Their kiss grew ever more passionate as Abbie settled a little of her weight against Kate's side, leaving one hand free to roam and explore the redhead's body. Her fingers toyed with the hem of the tee Kate had slept in, lightly teasing the silky smooth skin which lay beneath it.

Kate groaned at the feel of the enticing touch, molten bolts of desire coursing through her veins and settling at the apex of her thighs. Her hips squirmed unbidden, reacting instinctively to the tender caress. "Abbie…" she moaned, gutturally, letting her own hands claw and cling to the toned, muscular back of the taller woman hovering above her.

The Texan raised her leg, dragging her thigh upwards until it was pressed tightly against Kate's hot, moist core, earning her a deep hiss of appreciation from the redhead. Her hand slid more fully beneath Kate's top, travelling upwards towards her breasts until it cupped one of the ample mounds, testing its weight and texture in her palm. Simultaneously, their hips began to rock against one another's in rhythmic motion, Abbie's thigh creating a delicious friction which only drove Kate's arousal higher. The brunette thumbed Kate's already distending nipple, stimulating it until it was fully erect before taking it between her thumb and forefinger to pinch and twist it gently. Abbie became impatient to see the body beneath the clothing, wanting to wrap her lips around the sensitive nub her fingers were teasing, and withdrew her hand, drawing a whimper of protest from her passive lover. Manoeuvring until she was kneeling, freeing up both of her hands, Abbie reached once again for the hem of the sleep t-shirt aiming to remove it but was thwarted by Kate's palms pushing it back down.

"Please?" the brunette begged, wanting nothing more than to offer the woman a glimpse of how special being intimate with a woman could be.

"It's not an attractive sight. Once you see me, you won't want me," Kate stated with grim determination.

"Yes I will," Abbie insisted, reaching for Kate's hand. "Trust me?" she requested quietly, watching a flash of fear flicker across the redhead's face before Kate nodded. Abbie pulled the captured limb towards her own body, shifting closer so that Kate could reach without having to stretch or contort herself. "I want you to feel what touching you…what the feel of you reacting to my touch does to me," Abbie informed the trembling woman as she guided Kate's hand inside her panties. She pressed their joint fingers against her own sodden core, barely stifling her moan of appreciation at the intimate touch.

"My God…" Kate gasped as her fingers encountered the scorching wet heat between Abbie's nether-lips. She allowed her hand to be manipulated, to flex and play in the abundant silky moisture until she grew more confident that her touch was welcomed. "This…is because of me?" she asked in awe, never having imagined she could invoke such a reaction.

"It is…" Abbie ground out, hips beginning to buck under the explorative touch. A selfish part of wanted to continue, to guide Kate's hand to thrust inside her, to massage her clitoris and bring her sweet relief but a larger part remembered that she had only made the move in order to assuage Kate's fears about not being desirable. "Please…let me touch you? You can undress me too if that would make you any more comfortable?" Abbie's hand retreated, withdrawing from her own underwear expecting Kate's to follow but the redhead remained where she was, fingers still lazily dragging through the liquid heat, continuing to stoke Abbie's fire. There was still reticence in Kate's expression, still a reluctance to bare herself to her lover so Abbie backtracked a little, worried that she was forcing the redhead into something she wasn't yet ready for. "If you say no, I won't think any less of you. If it's too soon or you still have doubts, we can stop right now, so please don't worry about how I'll react if you can't go through with this."

"No…I do…I want this…I want you," Kate insisted instantly. "I'm just…I'm afraid…that _you_ won't if you see me naked…and that I won't be enough for you, won't be able to satisfy you."

"Kate, honey, trust me when I say that you have no need to be worrying about that," Abbie husked, grinding herself more firmly onto the older woman's touch as Kate instinctively drew her fingers up towards the brunette's clit. "You're already closer than you might imagine to giving me an orgasm!" she confessed breathlessly, skin flushing with a healthy glow. "You feel wonderful…you're making me feel wonderful. If that's all that's preventing you from saying yes, let me prove to you that you needn't worry." To illustrate her point, Abbie settled her hands on Kate's hips and bent close to the redhead's body, nuzzling her chest and locating a still rigid nipple, capturing it between her teeth lightly through the thin cloth covering it. Kate moaned, arching her back in an attempt to increase the sensations triggered by the contact.

Again, the Texan let her hands crawl upwards bringing the redhead's t-shirt with them, this time encountering no further resistance. She pushed the thin cotton away from the treasures she sought, guiding it to rest above the bountiful breasts. Her mouth watered at the sight of the pliant flesh, the dark, mocha coloured areolas encircling proudly erect nipples. Her hands cupped the large globes, pushing them together before she closed her lips around first one and then the other nipple, worshipping them with a combination of teeth and tongue. The sweet contact sent Kate spiralling into a frenzy with the fortunate side effect of the redhead cupping her hand around Abbie's centre, one fingertip just teasing her entrance as Kate's palm pressed against her sensitive bundle of nerves. The brunette's resulting moan reverberated through Kate's malleable breast, increasing the tantalising stimulation even further.

"You don't do yourself justice," Abbie murmured, barely raising her head. "Can I take your shirt off?" This time the reluctance to comply had less to do with Kate's self image and more to do with her not wanting to lose the intimate contact she had established with Abbie's saturated centre. Eventually, she did grudgingly remove her hand to enable Abbie to push the tee over her head and toss it aside. The athletic brunette tore her own top off shortly after before settling herself against Kate's more generous frame, pressing their breasts together and capturing her lips in another heated kiss, swallowing their dual moans at the sensation of flesh on flesh for the first time. Kate's arms wound around Abbie, keeping her in place on top of her, hands roaming freely over the bare muscular back of her lover. She allowed her palms to wander further down Abbie's body, slipping over the firm rounded buttocks barely encased in the briefs the Texan wore and kneading them gently.

Abbie tore her lips away from Kate's mouth, panting heavily as her back arched and her hips drove forward. The action pressed her centre down onto Kate's thigh, her own mirroring the action against the redhead's heated core. For long moments, they were both content to continue their dual rocking action, letting their desire be stoked by the movement. Abbie craved more, slithering downwards, kissing a trail across Kate's breastbone with one destination alone in mind. As the brunette continued on her path, past the breasts she had previous worshipped orally, teasingly dipping her tongue into the older woman's navel, Kate became aware of her intent.

"No…" she protested half-heartedly, attempting to dissuade Abbie from her goal.

"Ssshhh, it's ok. You'll enjoy it, I promise," Abbie promised softly, capturing one of the hands trying to push her away and squeezing it tenderly and offering her lover a reassuring smile.

"I haven't…I didn't expect anyone… It's a few days since…I shaved down there," Kate confessed, burying her face behind the crook of one elbow in an attempt to hide her shame.

"Kate, look at me," Abbie pleaded, willing the redhead to move her arm. When Kate peeked out from behind her barricade, the brunette deliberately softened her gaze. "It doesn't matter. Relax. Let me just…" Abbie motioned to Kate's pants, tugging slightly at the elasticated waist. "If you try it and really don't feel comfortable still, I promise I'll stop," Abbie coaxed, inching the material over Kate's hips as she stealthily removed the only remaining barriers between her and her treasured prize.

"I…don't know. I've never…" Kate attempted to explain the foundation of her insecurity.

"I'll take it slowly and be really gentle. You can tell me to stop any time, ok?" Abbie promised, waiting until she had received permission before continuing. She took her time worshipping the expanse of flesh she uncovered, taking care to pay special attention to the areas Kate had expressed insecurities about. Once her pants and panties were completely removed, Abbie settled herself amidst fleshy thighs, easing them far enough apart for her to comfortably reach the older woman's centre. A few more teasing kisses to her inner thighs and Kate's eyes slammed shut as a skilful tongue dipped into her cleft, tasting her juices. Abbie felt the shudder which raced through the redhead at the first touch of her mouth offering her the most intimate of kisses, returning for a second pass, smiling to herself as she felt the same response being generated. Her smile grew as she heard Kate release a long, guttural moan of enjoyment.

"Yesssssss," the redhead hissed as Abbie began to feast on her in earnest, lapping at the copious secretions her body was producing and probing her entrance with her questing tongue. When supple lips fastened around her clit, she almost bucked off the bed, hips flying forward only to be gripped firmly by the brunette who was loving her so thoroughly. The hold limited her motion, keeping her where the Texan wanted her. Abbie followed the undulations of the older woman's pelvis easily, alternating between suckling on her clit and circling the nub with the tip of her tongue. Sensing that Kate needed something extra to tip her over the edge, she trailed one of her hands down the redhead's abdomen, slipping it beneath her own chin and letting two of her fingers rest lightly against Kate's fluttering opening. Kate bore down, desperately trying to impale herself on the probing digits, almost overwhelmed by the sensations Abbie was generating within her. Taking pity on the writhing woman, Abbie thrust her fingers into the searing heat, curling on the outward stroke as she sought to stimulate the hidden, sensitive ridge of spongy flesh. At the same time, she flattened her tongue against the older woman's clitoris, propelling Kate headlong into a breath-stealing orgasm. Abbie continued to attend to Kate, coaxing her through the climax and nursing her during the aftershocks before removing her fingers from their tight cocoon. She crawled back up the bed, greeted by a lazy smile and a leisurely kiss which soon sparked into an exchange of renewed passion as Kate tasted herself on Abbie's lips and tongue.

Abbie's hips rocked against Kate's thigh piston-style as she sought her own release. Unbidden, Kate slid her hand back beneath the small panties Abbie still wore, slipping her fingers between their flesh. She fumbled for a moment as she attempted to find the younger woman's hidden bundle of nerves but hit the jackpot after only a couple of misfires. The added physical stimulation combined with the vision of a well loved, sex-mussed Kate lying beneath her tipped Abbie over the precipice of her climax. She ground out the full extent of her release with a long, wordless cry of satisfaction, before collapsing beside the redhead, body still partially atop hers, sated and feeling closer to her lover than she could have imagined. The trust Kate had placed in her made Abbie's heart swell and her head spin.

"You're incredible," Kate breathed, soothing one hand down Abbie's arm.

"So are you," Abbie concurred, kissing the older woman's nearest shoulder before glancing at the clock on the bedside cabinet and groaning. "I don't want to go…but I need to get back to my motel to shower and change before work."

"The real world waits for no one…no matter how much we might like it to," Kate sighed, still tracing idle patterns on the Texan's bronze skin, delighting in the goosebumps her fingertips left in their wake.

"This is part of the real world, Kate. This…us…it's not some dream or a fantasy. I promise you, to me, this is completely real," Abbie assured her new lover, offering her one final lingering kiss before withdrawing and reluctantly beginning the ritual of redressing in the clothing she had worn the previous day.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**08.11**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

"Ok, let's try getting you sat on the edge of the bed, Miss Cabot," the young nurse instructed as she tugged the blankets covering Alex's lower body clear. She handed a spare pillow to her patient, explaining, "hold this to your abdomen to support it while you move. We advise people to do this for a few days after their surgery when standing or moving around and also if you need to cough or laugh. It just helps take some of the strain off the muscles around there while they heal and minimises pain." She watched as the blonde woman gingerly tucked the pillow into her stomach, cradling it there with one arm before attempting to shuffle the short distance to the edge of the bed. "Take your time," she advised, watching carefully for any signs of difficulty but finding only stubborn resilience.

"You're doing great, sweetheart," Olivia stated with a proud smile as she hovered by the bed.

"Ok, now slowly bring your legs round off the bed," the nurse coached. Alex's observers stood back, allowing the young woman to take control of the speed and range of her movement. "That's it. Rest there for a few moments. How does that feel? Any excessive pain or tightness anywhere?"

Alex took a minute to properly assess how she was feeling, knowing she shouldn't glibly retort that she was fine in case that wasn't true, even though it was on the tip of her tongue to do so. "A little dizzy but no pain I can't cope with, certainly nothing I wouldn't expect after being sliced and diced," she responded with a small smile.

"The dizziness is probably residual effect from the general anaesthetic and your blood pressure is a little on the low side, again an understandable reaction to the surgery. I'll give you a few minutes for your partner to help you getting dressed but press the call button if you need anything before I get back, ok?" The nurse stepped towards the door and exited without a backwards glance, leaving Olivia and Alex alone.

"You ready to try getting some clothes on or do you want another minute or two first?" Liv asked gently, remembering from her own experience how exhausting she herself had found the simple task of getting dressed the first time after her surgery.

"Let's get it over and done with then hopefully I'll have time to recover before my slave-driver comes back and makes me walk," Alex jested tiredly.

"They just want to be sure everything's as it should be after your op, honey," Olivia explained supportively, understanding the younger woman's fatigue but knowing she would need to push through it for the next little while if she stood any hope of being released that day. "Besides, the sooner you do this, the sooner it will get…other things moving and you'll be able to go home."

"Never in my life has there been such fascination with my bowel movements!" Alex grumbled good-naturedly. "So where do we start? What did Liz bring me to wear?"

Olivia pulled the plastic bag out from inside the locker where she had stashed it the night before, opening it up and rifling through to find a complete outfit. She laid out Alex's favourite, soft brushed cotton pyjama pants followed by a thin long-sleeved white jersey top. A thick pair of white sports socks were included, along with plain white cotton briefs and a simple white cotton bra, edged with a thin strip of lace. Liv dropped to a crouch, grabbing the panties and working them onto Alex's bare legs as though it was the most normal thing in the world. Her brisk, efficient manner was her attempt to assuage the attorney's discomfort at having to be dependent on someone, anyone, else to dress her and for that, Alex was infinitely grateful. The detective eased the briefs up as far as she could without Alex having to stand, leaving them to rest against her upper thighs beneath the veil of the hospital gown. The blonde went to slide off the bed so she could pull the underwear the rest of the way on but was halted by her partner's gentle hand silently instructing her to stay put. Reaching onto the bed, Olivia tugged the pants down to her level, helping Alex to put her feet through the correct holes and smoothing them up her legs also until they were at the same level as her panties.

"No point making you stand twice just yet or for longer than necessary when we can do both of these in one go. Use me for support if you need to when you stand and don't forget to use your cushion too." Olivia kept hold of the loose fitting material of Alex's pants as the blonde eased herself to her feet to prevent them from succumbing to gravity and tumbling back to her feet. The attorney's free hand clamped down on Olivia's shoulder as she fought to steady herself on shaky legs. "You ok there?" Liv asked, tilting her head upwards so she could peer into her lover's drawn, pinched face. She received a tight nod in return as Alex sucked in as deep a breath as she dared through her nose, teeth clenched together to combat the pain, nausea and dizziness. Olivia had been planning on suggesting Alex complete the task of dressing her lower half herself, so she could situate the clothing where it felt most comfortable and afford her a modicum of privacy, but it became apparent immediately that was not going to be an option. Carefully, the brunette eased the combined briefs and pyjama pants over Alex's hips, thumbs brushing lightly against the peachy soft skin of her buttocks as she negotiated the twin mounds. Working blind, her view still blocked by the hospital gown, Olivia settled the material where she hoped it wasn't resting against the site of Alex's surgery.

Feeling more secure on her feet and much less exposed now that she had underwear and pants on, Alex glanced down at her still crouched lover, moving her hand from the older woman's shoulder and threading it through the luxurious chestnut locks. "Thank you," she murmured sincerely, smiling genuinely as Liv looked up at her.

"You're welcome. They feel ok there? Or do you need me to hold you steady while you adjust them?" Liv offered, pushing herself to her feet, careful not to knock Alex off balance as she rose.

"No, they feel fine," Alex stated, lowering herself gingerly back to the edge of the bed.

"Want me to give you some privacy while you put your bra and top on?" Olivia asked softly.

"Why would I? It's nothing you haven't seen before and it's certainly nothing I'm not comfortable with you seeing again…unless you don't want to?" Alex replied, suddenly beset by an irrational sense of worry. Olivia's lips gently covering her own soon put paid to that.

"I do want to. I don't think I'll ever tire of being privileged enough to be able to look at your body without having to worry you'll catch me and report me for harassment! I just…I know this whole thing must be difficult for you, having to let someone else take control of some of the most basic aspects of your life, right now. I didn't want you to feel like I assumed you couldn't take care of certain things by yourself. I know you're still more than capable of dressing those parts of you which don't involve bending, twisting or lifting, just like you're still able to do a whole lot for yourself…and I'll be expecting you to once we get you home as well so don't go getting used to being waiting on hand and foot!"

Alex put her pillow aside, holding her hair to one side and inviting Olivia to untie the flimsy gown she was wearing. Between them, they slipped it from her torso, leaving Alex perched on the edge of her bed naked from the waist up. Olivia's eyes automatically drifted to the firm, pert breasts adorning Alex's chest, her mouth salivating slightly as she imagined suckling on the dusky pink nipples. Alex swallowed thickly as her body responded automatically to the dilating of Olivia's pupils and the older woman's slightly hungry expression. Knowing that she wasn't in any fit state, nor would she be for a few weeks, to explore that particular avenue of activity, Alex casually reached for her bra, her skin flushing under the appreciative stare of her partner.

"Sorry…" Liv muttered, tearing her eyes away as she realised where they had fixated.

"Don't be…but I've already been warned that sex will be off limits for the next couple of weeks, until I'm able to engage in…more strenuous activities without running the risk of rupturing something. So unless we both want to spend the next fortnight in a state of near permanent frustration, I might _have_ to refrain from undressing in front of you…and you in front of me," Alex cautioned with a tiny smirk.

"I can behave…I think," Liv protested pressing a chaste kiss to the blonde's cheek as she handed her the white jersey top.

"You don't have to completely behave. There's nothing wrong with my lips." There was a suggestiveness to Alex's tone, coupled with a twinkle of mischief in her eyes which generated a growl deep in Olivia's throat.

"That's not what I call playing nicely, Counsellor!" the brunette grumbled, lips brushing against Alex's teasingly. "Now put your top on before that nice nurse comes back in and gets more of a show than she bargained for."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**12.22**_

_**Mercy General Hospital**_

Liv looked over to where Alex was sleeping in the hospital bed, the morning's exercise combined with the lingering effects of the anaesthetic and her disturbed night having worn her out. In true Cabot style, Alex had pushed herself to her limit, listening to the medical advice offered to her but testing her own personal boundaries all the same. The attorney had lasted admirably, staying out of bed for three full hours, spending much of that time strolling around her room and the corridors immediately surrounding it, Olivia always by her side, but eventually, her energy reserves had given out and she had had to admit defeat. Sleep had stolen Alex mere minutes after they had got her settled back in the bed and the nursing staff had advised Olivia that they would let her get a few hours rest before rousing her again. The detective's stomach rumbled, sounding loud in the silent room. Mentally calculating how long ago her last meal was, Liv was unsurprised to find herself craving food. She rose from the seat she had claimed beside the slumbering blonde's bed, placing Alex's book, which she had been reading to pass the time, onto the locker and padded stealthily from the room. Wracking her brain, she tried to recall the directions she had been given earlier in the day for the canteen but came up empty. Spying a passing orderly, she asked for assistance and was pointed in the right direction with a cheery smile.

"If you hurry, there might be some lasagne left. It's very popular so goes quickly but it's very tasty and satisfying without being too heavy," the genial giant of a man told her.

"Great, thanks," Olivia replied with a smile of her own. She stopped by the nurses' station, letting them know where she was in case Alex woke and began fretting. She jogged up the stairs and slipped inside the bustling canteen, joining the back of the long lunchtime queue. As she inched closer to the front of the line, she cast her gaze over the menu choices available, tempted by the recommended lasagne but also not entirely sure she could stomach something so robust during the day without it inducing severe sleepiness. When directed to choose, Liv selected a ham and tomato sandwich, a large black coffee and a fruit pot. She paid for her lunch and cast her gaze around the room looking for somewhere to sit. The majority of tables were already occupied but she spied a small, two-seater space right at the back of the room. With only a few sticky moments, she negotiated the maze of tables and bodies, sinking gratefully into the unoccupied seat.

"The nurses told me I could probably find you up here," a familiar voice burred as Liv picked over her mediocre sandwich.

"Liz!" Olivia exclaimed, startled by the intrusion. "I've only just come up here for a quick lunch…" she rambled, feeling the need to assure the older woman that she wasn't intending on leaving Alex for any longer than was necessary.

"I don't expect you not to eat, Olivia. I actually stopped by to see if you wanted me to sit with her for a little while so you could take a break but when I put my head round the door, she was fast asleep." Liz perched in the chair opposite the brunette who pushed the vaguely edible sandwich towards the middle of the table, indicating for the judge to help herself. Her offer was waved away. "You need that more than I do."

"Alex has had a busy morning. She's been out of bed and walking for much of it so the nurses are letting her get a little rest before the doctor examines her and decides whether she's well enough to come home," Liv supplied, protectively defending Alex's right to be sleeping.

"That girl doesn't let anything stand between her and her goals. I hope you realise you're going to have to be firm with her about what she can and can't do for the next few days at the very least. Knowing Alexandra, she will be angling after going back to work first thing on Monday morning," Liz advised, silently amused by how eager the detective was to leap to the blonde's defence.

"I'd hope that Jack McCoy would back me up in saying there's a snowball's chance in Hell of that happening!" Liv said, tossing her half eaten sandwich onto the plate and reaching for her coffee, appetite waning as her stomach churned at the thought of the inevitable battle they would have when attempting to persuade the attorney it wasn't in her best interests to go back so soon.

"Perhaps Miss Carmichael could negotiate a compromise and present Alexandra with some light reading and research for the Camanetti case, work which could be completed in her own time, at her own home or yours with very little strain placed on her body?" Liz suggested sagely, knowing that Alex would see straight through the attempt but hoping that she would be wise enough to appreciate that they were trying to act in her own best interests.

"It's worth asking. I'll have a word with Abbie when I call her later and see what she can do," Olivia replied, flashing the older woman a grateful smile.

"So how is the patient doing? Is she behaving herself?" Liz asked, sitting back in the chair and exuding an aura of relaxed power.

"Unbelievably, she is, yes. She tested herself this morning but when cautioned against pushing it too far, she did listen to the advice being given. I'm under no illusion that it'll last but I'm willing to take it for as long as it does." Liv sank the last dregs of her coffee, shuddering slightly at the strong bitter aftertaste of stale brew. "So far, so good though. She's obviously a little sore and a little tight in the muscles around her surgery site but the staff here seem pleased with her progress," the detective added with a genuine smile.

"And how do you envisage you'll keep her occupied over the next few days?" Liz queried, her expression inscrutable.

"Well, if she comes home this afternoon, I think that will probably be enough excitement for her for one day. Tomorrow, I need to be at my apartment for a while to take delivery of a bed, for the spare room, so I thought maybe I'd see if she felt up to coming with me, having a change of scenery. Other than that, I've not really thought of a plan beyond letting Alex dictate the pace within reason. I don't want her to feel like I'm treating her as though she's some fragile doll but I also don't want her doing too much too soon." Liv prodded at the forgotten sandwich, pushing the plate away from her and reaching for the fruit pot she had purchased.

"I hope you're planning on including food in your regime," Liz stated pointedly glaring at the uneaten sandwich, clearly unimpressed by the brunette's diminished appetite.

"I'll make sure Alex eats what she's supposed to. The nurse advised her earlier about what sort of things she should go for over the next week or two and things to avoid…like alcohol," Olivia assured the blonde seated opposite her.

"And who will ensure Alexandra feeds herself if you collapse in a heap from malnutrition?" Liz asked, head tilted to one side and a single eyebrow raised in an expression startlingly similar to one Alex used when grilling the brunette. "If you don't take care of yourself, Detective Benson, you can't hope to take care of Alexandra." With that, Judge Donnelly rose from her seat, pushing the plate back towards Olivia to emphasise her point. She swept out of the canteen, leaving a stunned Olivia in her wake. Had the enigmatic judge really just hinted about caring for Olivia's own wellbeing, albeit in conjunction with ensuring Alex's continued health and happiness?

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**14.53**_

_**Midtown South Precinct, West 35**__**th**__** Street**_

Abbie ran her hands through her thick, wavy hair as she levelled an assessing stare at the two detectives in front of her. "And you're sure Peter Rees wasn't legitimately killed by one of his less than stand-up clients?" she asked, glad she was already perched on the edge of a desk as she heard details of yet another killing linked to the Edward O'Keefe case. Peter Rees had been the defence attorney who had represented Milo Pathitis both at the arraignment hearing and his subsequent trial. Sykes and Morientes had been following up on the whereabouts of those remaining who had been involved in any way with the O'Keefe trial when they had discovered that Rees had been killed over a fortnight previously in a seemingly random attack shortly after leaving his Tribeca office one evening. Because there had been no message, no proclamation associated with the killing, it had not come to their attention before now.

"It's highly unlikely. It also means that there is a high probability that someone is assisting O'Keefe to avoid detection. We'd like to set up surveillance on his brother and sister-in-law but our Captain says we gotta run it by you first, make sure anything we find would stand up in court." Morientes stated gravely, scrawny arms folded across his narrow chest.

"Just surveillance, right? No approaching them, no tipping them off, no letting them know they're being watched," Abbie asked, seeking clarification and reassurance that she wouldn't end up cleaning up a whole new mess.

"Absolutely. We just want to see if they're delivering food parcels or anything to a regular address where O'Keefe might be crashing or if there's any other way they might be aiding the fugitive brother," Sykes assured, keen to stress that they wouldn't be doing anything to risk the integrity of the case should it ever reach the court room.

"Ok. Well legally, I think I could persuade any judge in the land that we have sufficient justification for looking at anyone connected with Kieran O'Keefe in our attempts to find him before he kills anyone else," Abbie sighed, pushing herself off from the corner of the desk she was perched on.

"When we finally nail this son-of-a-bitch, Miss Carmichael, I'll be sure to buy you a very large drink," Sykes promised, grateful for the backing they had received every step of the way from both the dark-haired US Attorney and from ADA Cabot during the investigation.

"Just find me the evidence to put him behind bars and do nothing that will give the defence any excuses or wriggle room to get him off, that's all I need. That's not to say I won't join you in a drink once the case is done, I think we'll all have earned it by then!" Abbie responded sincerely, not needing any additional incentive to do her job to the best of her abilities. The buzzing of her cell phone against her hip distracted her attention. "If you'll excuse me gentlemen, I need to take this call." She stepped out of the interview room, walking a short way down the corridor as she answered her phone. "Hey Olivia, how's Alex?"

"_Hi Abbie, she's good yeah. We're getting ready to head home actually. The doctor's really pleased with how she's come through the surgery and post-op period. How are you? Did you sleep ok last night?_" Liv's soft voice floated gently through the receiver.

"That's great to hear," Abbie replied joyfully, thankful that there was at least some good news to brighten her day. "I'm good too, last night at Kate's was…well…she's amazing. She's so caring and so trusting…and that scares me as much as it excites me. I'm petrified I'll let her down but at the same time, there's nothing more I want than to prove myself worthy of her trust in me. It's quite a heady feeling."

"_It certainly is. It's the most incredible…and the most terrifying feeling in the world. Abs, you deserve to have that with Kate and she's lucky to have you in her life every bit as much as you're lucky to have her. Listen, I've only nipped outside for a second while the doctor's doing one final check on Alex but I did promise to let you know how she was doing. I'm not promising she'll be brilliant company later 'cause quite frankly I think the trip home is going to exhaust her, but if you wanted to come visit her this evening, I'm sure she'd be happy to see someone other than me,_" the brunette detective extended the invitation, knowing Abbie would not outstay her welcome if Alex proved to be too tired to entertain.

"Thanks, I'll see what time I get through with working and what Kate wants to do tonight, then I'll let you know but I would like to call round for a few minutes at least, so Alex knows I'm thinking of her. Can I bring anything if I do come? Grapes for the invalid or anything?" Abbie joked, earning a snort or derision from the other end of the line.

"_Yeah, I dare you to refer to Alex as 'the invalid' in her presence. Recovering from surgery or not, I'd still not rattle her cage if I were you. Her memory is long and her ability to deliver retribution at the most opportune of moments is unwavering! I'm going to see what she's got in her cupboards when we get back to her place, maybe risk leaving her for ten minutes while I run to the store and pick up essentials so can I get back to you on that one?_" After receiving confirmation, Liv continued, "_great thanks. I've got another favour to ask actually. It was Liz Donnelly who suggested it but would it be possible for you to find some light research work, some case law reading or something that she can do from home, at least for the beginning of next week? We're both concerned that she might try to go straight back into work before she's ready to and hoped we could have a compromise in place beforehand._"

"I'm pretty sure I could find her a whole lot of reading and research to be getting on with that she can do from anywhere she has access to a computer, especially with the latest development. Peter Rees is dead," Abbie advised gravely, all levity gone from her voice.

"_Peter Rees?_" Liv repeated blankly, brain racing to try and place the name.

"The defence attorney who represented Milo Pathetis," the Texan supplied. "Don't mention it to Alex today, ok? She doesn't need any distractions and I don't want to encourage the workaholic in her to even think about trying to overdo it by coming back to the office on Monday."

"_Has Sandy Brunswick been reached yet? Do we know she's ok?_" Liv asked, desperately hoping their old temporary ADA too had not succumbed to the violent vendetta.

"Last anyone heard of her, she moved to Florida. Sykes and Morientes are still trying to locate her but hopefully she's far enough away that she's not in imminent danger from O'Keefe. I can't see him travelling all that distance to exact some kind of twisted revenge, it's too risky for him," Abbie stated with a confidence she didn't entirely feel. "We're still going to pull out all the stops to try and find her though and at least warn her that she may want to step up security measures until we have him in custody."

"_Do you believe I'm still in danger from O'Keefe?_" Olivia asked suddenly.

"I don't think any of us can know for certain what he will and won't do to those he holds responsible for Edward's death. I can see your point of view, that he's made you suffer more by taking Samia away than if he had killed you…but if I'm honest, I can't say I'm not worried he won't see that only as a temporary punishment for you. You're a cop, Olivia. You're the one who promised his nephew he would be safe and convinced Edward to admit to the abuse in the first place. I'd say that makes you a good candidate for being his swansong," the Texan admitted, allowing the full extent of her concern to colour her tone. "I don't want you having to look over your shoulder all the time but I'd hate for something to happen to you because of complacency either. So just…be careful, yeah?"

"_Yeah, I will be and the first suspicion I get that someone's following me or whatever, I'll report it. I'm not about to let anything separate me from Alex. I can't do that to her. Speaking of which, I'd better get back before she orders someone to come find me. I'll hopefully see you later at Alex's but if not, have a nice evening with Kate._" The detective rang off as soon as Abbie had said her goodbyes, presumably hurrying back to her partner's side before the formidable blonde began to think she had been deserted.

"Please God, don't let anything happen to either of them," the attorney murmured sincerely with a small shake of her head.


	68. Chapter 68

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Quick update in between finishing work and getting ready to go and see comedian Peter Kay live this evening! That's not to say it's a short one though, in fact it's longer than most so I don't feel guilty for chucking this out there and running!**_

_**Thanks as always to everyone who takes the time to read this story with particular thanks to those who let me know what they think. Sh, it's great to hear your family could put aside their religious beliefs and realise they stood to lose more if they renounced you when you came out. Unfortunately, not everyone is that enlightened and some do indeed choose to cling to religion rather than accept love for love no matter what form it takes. ttandme69, Gina will be back, perhaps in the next installment or possibly the one after but there are plans afoot to bring the Camanettis back into Olivia's orbit :) Crispy75 welcome back, good to hear you weren't washed overboard on your travels, will mail you this weekend when my life calms down a little! you caught that Abbie left rather soon did you? Fear not, it will be addressed, read on! Oh and JRBenson, you can stop re-reading that same scene over and over now ;) Lol.**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**15.32**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"You want to head for the sofa or the bedroom?" Olivia asked, realising that Alex needed to rest after insisting on walking out of the hospital and then having to walk from the cab into the elevator and also down the corridor into her apartment. Though the distances weren't epic by any proportion, it was longer on her feet in one spell than she had previously attempted. The cushion Liz had brought for her was clamped in a white-knuckled grip against her side, betraying Alex's stoic expression.

"Umm, sofa I think. I can make it. I _can_ make it," the blonde repeated, more to convince herself than anyone else.

"Want me to bring one of the dining chairs through here so you can rest for a couple of minutes first?" Liv asked, concerned by the younger woman's pallor.

"No," came the immediate, vehement response before a soft grunt of frustration as Alex's legs threatened to buckle. "Okay yes," she admitted grudgingly, the request bitter on her tongue.

Olivia took a moment to be sure her lover was securely propped against the lobby wall and wouldn't attempt to move before walking briskly through the apartment to retrieve the required seat. Hefting the chair effortlessly, the brunette returned within a minute and set it down beside Alex, guiding the attorney to sit.

"Damnit Liv, I'm tired of this already," Alex complained.

"It won't last long, sweetheart, a few days and you'll be feeling more or less back to normal. That's what the doctor said, right? Just listen to what your body's trying to tell you and you'll be fine. Want me to fetch you a glass of water?" Olivia was trying her hardest not to hover over Alex, not to compound the feeling of dependency and helplessness but her nurturing instinct made it hard not to want to wrap the attorney up and prevent her from coming to any more harm or distress.

"What I want is to be able to walk more than a few paces without being exhausted. What I want is to be able to put my own shoes and socks and underwear on. What I'd really like is to be able to hold you properly without having to worry about not putting pressure on my abdomen," Alex griped sourly, turning her head away in disgust.

"And you will be able to do all those things and more if you're patient and give your body a little time to heal. It's less than a day since you underwent pretty major surgery, Al, I think you're entitled to be a little sluggish right now," Liv protested, running her hand through her partner's hair, valiantly attempting to mask the hurt she felt as Alex withdrew from her touch.

"My hair's disgusting, it needs washing," the blonde offered by way of explanation.

"Want me to wash it for you? I'm sure we can improvise something over the sink in the bathroom so you don't have to lean over or strain your stitches," Olivia offered softly, risking reaching out to her sullen lover once more and cupping a palm over her thin shoulder.

"You're sweet to offer but you shouldn't have to," Alex stated, desperately wanting to let the older woman take care of her in such a way but her misplaced sense of pride refused to allow it without at least some sort of fight.

"I'm not offering out of a sense of duty. I want to do anything I can to make you feel as good as you can, not just now but always. If washing your hair for you will make you feel more comfortable and less grungy, I'll gladly do it for you, either now or after you've had chance to rest and recover from the trip home." Liv was mollified by the fact that Alex hadn't flinched from her touch a second time, content to believe that Alex's initial avoidance was, as she had stated, due to self-consciousness about her hair.

"Maybe in a little while…if you're sure you really wouldn't mind?" Alex asked shyly.

"Of course I don't," Liv assured her warmly, leaning down to press a tender kiss to Alex's lips. "You ready to make the trek to the lounge or you want to wait here while I go and fix us a couple of glasses of juice?"

"Give me a couple more minutes, ok? You go do whatever you need to do and I'll shout you when I'm ready to move," Alex directed, succumbing to the realisation that her body was currently failing her determined mind.

Liv assessed the attorney's instructions for a brief moment before offering a quick, "ok." With one final kiss to Alex's cheek, she stepped further into the apartment, lugging Alex's belongings through to her bedroom and putting them where they needed to go efficiently. Throughout, she was keeping a keen ear out for any sounds from the younger woman, listening intently without actually being aware of her hypersensitivity until a soft curse caught her attention. She strolled out of the bedroom, arms laden with laundry in need of doing and a feigned nonchalance in her step.

"Liv, leave that, you're not here to be my servant," Alex grumbled as she saw the brunette, hidden behind the generous pile of worn clothing.

"It needs doing, you shouldn't be lifting and I'm perfectly capable of setting the machine going. Besides, it'll give you something to keep you busy once it's all dry – you can fold it all!" Liv jested with a teasing grin. She stepped around Alex and saw the cushion had fallen to the floor, probably explaining the swearing she had heard. "And don't even think about trying to pick that up. I'll grab it for you in a sec, just as soon as I put this lot in."

"I have a feeling I'm going to be saying this a lot to you in the coming few weeks but seriously, Liv, thank you…for everything; the washing, the taking care of me…the standing by me rather than running. I do realise that yesterday must have been…for want of a better word, scary for you and I can't begin to express how grateful I was to wake up and see you there. I want you to know…Liv…I…you don't have to prove anything to me…not now… This hasn't been ideal but…I trust you. I trust you, Olivia Benson, not to run from me, from us. Please, don't let me down," Alex requested plaintively.

Olivia tossed the clothing in her arms to the floor, following it as she dropped into a crouch beside her lover. "I won't, I promise, I won't," she chanted, over and again, interspersing her words with reverent kisses to Alex's lips, cheeks, eyelids, jaw. "I won't lie, there was a moment when I wanted nothing more than to bolt from the hospital but just thinking of you, of everything we have the potential to share, was enough to convince me to stay, that staying was the only real option. I'd never have forgiven myself if I'd given in to fear again. This, here, is where I want to be, where I need to be. For as long as you'll let me be by your side, I won't leave you again."

"I hope you have plenty of stamina then, Detective, because I don't intend on letting you get away for a very, very long time," Alex purred, her lips teasing the brunette's own before capturing them in a demanding kiss which foretold of the passion they shared for one another. As they broke apart, Alex whined, "and I very definitely can't wait until we can do more than kiss."

"Are my kisses not good enough for you, Counsellor?" Olivia asked with a mock pout.

"Your kisses are amazing…they just make me want so much more of you. I want it all, Liv, everything you're willing to give me," Alex replied honestly, chest heaving a little.

"And you'll have it, 'Lex, when you've been given the medical all clear and _you_ have _your_ stamina back, 'cause, honey, I intend to make you use every last drop of it," the brunette husked seductively, lasciviously running her eyes up and down the attorney's body.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**17.43**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"Hi Abs, come on in," Liv greeted in hushed tones, ushering the tall Texan into the kitchen. "Alex is having a nap on the sofa. It's been a long day for her. Want anything to drink?" Olivia offered, at home in Alex's space having spent so long there during her own convalescence.

"A coffee would be great if there's any on or a soda if not," Abbie replied, slipping into one of the stools in front of the breakfast bar.

"There's always coffee here," Liv replied with a grin, grabbing a mug from the shelf and fixing Abbie's drink for her. She slid it onto the counter in front of the seated woman, watching her carefully. "So… are you seeing Kate again tonight?"

Abbie worried at her bottom lip with her teeth for a moment or two before answering. "I am…although she wasn't as keen as I was hoping she'd be when I spoke to her earlier. She seemed…I don't know, just a bit…reticent I guess. Am I expecting too much, too soon from her? Should I give her some space rather than go there again tonight?"

"How was she this morning when you left her?" Liv asked bracing her forearms against the vinyl surface.

"Okay…I think. We didn't really have a lot of time to talk… We woke up, we…umm…we had sex," Abbie ground out, surprised to find herself blushing and coy, a first for her when talking about her sexual encounters, "and then I had to leave so I wouldn't be late for work."

"So you fucked her and left? No talking about how she felt after her first time with a woman? No holding her for a while to reassure her that everything was good for you, that she hadn't disappointed you? Geez Abbie, I wonder why she might be less than thrilled about seeing you again?" Olivia scoffed with an incredulous stare fixed on her friend.

"Oh God…" the Texan groaned, "I told you I'm no good at this relationship stuff! I don't have the social skills for the niceties and nuances that go with actually dating a woman."

"So you're content to just sleep with them and never grow as a person? Don't you want to be there for Kate through this? Because if you don't Abbie, then you'd better walk away now before you hurt her any more than it already would," the detective stated fiercely.

"It's not that I don't want to be with her, I do…at least I think I do… Urgh why is it so complicated?" Abbie grumbled.

"It doesn't have to be," Liv assured the prosecutor. "Let me ask you this; now you've slept with her, are you still as interested in spending time with her? Do you want to do more than just sleep with her or have you decided that all you want is a physical relationship?" She watched Abbie considering her answer and decided to pose another question, the answer to which might be more telling than the responses to the previous enquiries. "If I were to make advances towards you…if I, or any other woman you found attractive, invited you to sleep with me – and I do mean a hook up, not just to sleep in the same bed – would you accept?"

"No," came the instant reply, before an adorably quizzical expression settled on Abbie's features. "I wouldn't…It wouldn't feel right, to do that, not any more. When I think of Kate, my imagination seems to take on a life of its own: I see us at the centre together working with the kids; I see us spending leisurely weekend mornings in her apartment reading newspapers and relaxing over breakfast; I see us going out to dinner, to the movies, spending time with friends; I don't just see us in bed together – although I do see us doing plenty of that too!" Abbie closed her eyes for a moment, trying to re-order her thoughts into a more logical progression. "I do want to spend time with her, I want to know everything there is to know about her…and the fact that I've already fucked up so monumentally terrifies me. What if I've blown it? What if my thoughtlessness has caused her to rethink her position and she decides I'm not what she wants? What if I've put her off women because I'm too stupid to realise how my actions might look?"

Liv rounded the breakfast bar, coming to stand beside her frantic friend. "If you're honest with her and tell her your fears, your insecurities, I'm sure she'll understand why you did what you did this morning, even if you weren't consciously running out on her. If you talk to her, she'll see how much this means to you."

"Listen to her, Carmichael, for once she's talking sense!" Alex croaked from the doorway, having shuffled in unnoticed by either brunette.

"Ooh I see having your appendix removed didn't soften your tongue any," Abbie taunted with a wink before sliding from her seat and cautiously approaching the younger woman. "Can I give you a hug or are you too sore for that?" she asked gently.

"As long as you don't squeeze me too hard, I'm good for a hug," Alex replied, opening the one arm which wasn't already cradling her ever present pillow against her side. Abbie slipped into the space the blonde attorney had created, giving her a brief hug and pressing a chaste kiss to her temple.

"You're looking a damn sight better than the last time I saw you," the Texan mentioned as she released the recovering patient.

Alex released a short laugh before pulling up short as her abdomen reminded her that it was a bad idea. "For the most part, I'm feeling it too," she agreed, allowing Abbie to guide her forward into the stool the brunette had vacated. She wistfully eyed the coffee Abbie had abandoned, breathing in the familiar enticing aroma.

"Think your stomach can handle a small cup now?" Liv asked, head cocked to one side as she assessed her lover's state of wellness.

"I'm not sure…but I'd like to try," Alex stated as she gingerly got herself in the most comfortable position she could find. Olivia busied herself fixing the coffee for the younger woman, adding a more generous than usual splash of cream to take some of the bitter edge of it in the hopes of it being less likely to upset Alex's somewhat delicate constitution.

"See how you go with that," she said, placing the half-filled mug in front of her partner and leaning in to press a gentle kiss to her lips, both of them aware of Abbie watching on.

"Come round here, Carmichael, so I can see you while we talk since I can't twist worth a damn right now," Alex ordered on a growl to which Abbie rolled her eyes dramatically but obeyed the directive all the same. "That's better. Now what's this about you and Kate? You getting cold feet already?"

"No…no, not really. I just…Olivia made me realise that I need to think more about what I do before I do it. Kate and I had sex for the first time this morning and then I had to leave for work…almost straight afterwards. I never even thought how that would look to Kate until Olivia pointed it out to me. It was never something I had to consider with previous liaisons. There was always an understanding that I wouldn't be hanging around. It's a habit I'll have to make an effort to break," Abbie supplied honestly.

"Come here," Alex demanded firmly, beckoning the Texan closer. When Abbie once again obliged, leaning over the breakfast bar which separated them, Alex none-too-gently slapped the back of her head.

"Ow! What was that?" Abbie protested, rubbing the spot where Alex's hand had made contact.

"That was what I want you to remember the next time you do something so thoughtless, preferably before you do it. Consider it incentive for you to think before you act," Alex advised. "Being in any kind of relationship requires you to think outside of your own thoughts, your own feelings, your own experiences. If you want to stand any chance of it working between you and Kate, you need to be sensitive to what's going on with her…and how what you do might look to her and make her feel, even if that's not how you intend it to. She's a lovely woman, Abbie. She's worth putting in that extra effort for."

"I know that…I do…" Abbie agreed.

"I'm sensing a 'but' coming," Olivia said with a frown.

"…but now you have me paranoid that she's going to tell me to go to Hell when I see her tonight, especially seeing as when I spoke to her, she sounded reluctant," Abbie concluded forlornly.

"I would imagine she's feeling rather insecure right now too. She gave herself over to you, opened herself up body and soul only to have to watch you leave soon after. She's probably wondering if she did something wrong, if you're only asking to see her tonight so you can tell her you're not interested now that you've slept with her. Expect to have to offer her a lot of reassurance when you do see her and let her dictate how the evening ends – i.e. if she invites you to stay over again or not, if she wants to be physically intimate with you again, that kind of thing. That said, there's no harm in taking her a token gift, some flowers or something, to show her that you do care," Alex suggested, grateful to have something other than her recent illness to talk about, even though she wished it was a more positive topic of conversation.

Seeing their friend was allowing herself to become anxious and over-think things, Liv stepped in and assured, "trust me Abs, it gets easier with time. When I first got together with Sam, I acted like a complete ass more than once, stepping on landmines I never even knew existed until I'd triggered them. And there'll always be times when you get it wrong," the older assured, looking to Alex in acknowledgement of those occasions where she had done just that recently, "but it gets easier to recognise what your partner wants and needs from you, as long as you're willing to pay attention to her and learn her language. Put the effort in and over time, you'll come to understand what every facial expression means, what her body language is indicating, what she's saying with her eyes and the hidden meanings between the words she's speaking. And I'll tell you what, when you _do_ crack that code, you feel like one of the most privileged people in the world…because you get to see things about another person, another woman that very few others get to see."

Both attorneys released a gentle, wistful sigh as Liv finished speaking, Alex holding one hand out to invite her lover closer. Olivia accepted the silent request along with the proffered kiss, resting one arm around the back of Alex's shoulders as the younger woman embraced her waist in her own single-armed hug, her blonde head leaning slightly to rest against Olivia's firm torso.

"I can't wait for that," Abbie admitted, watching the quiet ease with which her two friends reached out for one another and being reminded of what she could have with Kate. "I'm uh… I'm going to go and find somewhere to pick up a really nice bottle of wine, some flowers and maybe some chocolates too." Suddenly, the Texan was keen to see her own lover again, keen to bridge whatever gap there might be between them and to explore every facet of their connection. The other two women laughed at her eagerness, pleased to see the turnaround in the Texan in spite of their humour.

"Go get your girl, Abs," Liv instructed warmly, accepting the kiss to her cheek that Abbie offered.

"Treat her right or I'll kick your ass, just as soon as I can do it without tearing anything," Alex stated vehemently, letting Abbie kiss her too and releasing Liv so that the brunette could see their guest out.

Before she left, Abbie called over her shoulder to the still seated attorney, "I'll give you a ring over the weekend to see how you're doing. If you're feeling up to it, I might have some work for you to do from here on Monday but it'll keep if you don't."

"As if a little operation is going to keep me from working. It's not like I have a heavy manual job," Alex protested.

"We'll see…"Abbie hollered ominously.

When the detective sauntered back into the kitchen, Olivia asked, "are you ready for some food yet?" She decided against wading in on the debate regarding when Alex would be returning to work, knowing the headstrong young woman would ultimately do what was best for her – even, if when the time came, Liv had to employ some unorthodox methods for making her realise what exactly that was.

"Would you mind if we give washing my hair a try first? I feel like I can still smell the hospital everywhere," Alex requested bashfully.

"Of course I don't mind," Liv assured her softly, capturing her lips in a sweet, tender kiss before pulling away. "I'll take one of the dining chairs through to the guest bathroom, I think there's a bit more space to negotiate in there. You take your time, ok? Do you have a jug or something we could use?"

"There's probably a mixing jug in one of the cupboards under the sink. Aunt Helen insisted that I have a full set of kitchen equipment even though I'm highly unlikely to ever use most of it," Alex replied with a self-deprecating grin, admiring the view of dark indigo jeans stretched taut over firm buttocks as Olivia bent down to root around in the cupboard. She hummed happily to herself, thinking, not for the first time, about how lucky she was…and how giving the brunette a second chance was the perfect decision to make. In spite of their circumstances, Alex couldn't be happier with how loved, how cared for, how cherished Olivia made her feel. She only hoped that she too helped Liv to feel the same way.

"Alex? You ok?" the detective asked quietly, a little concerned by the vacant stare her lover was sporting.

"I'm great," Alex assured, raising her gaze to meet Olivia's soulful brown eyes and allowing a broad, adoring smile to settle on her face. "Thanks to you, I'm happier than I think I've ever been."

"Oh sweetheart…" Liv gasped, a tremulous smile of her own stretching her full lips. "I'm happy too…so very, very happy and I never thought I'd really be able to say that again. You make me happy, 'Lex, and there's nowhere in the world I would rather be right now than here with you." The pair shared a searing kiss, hands wrapping around one another's necks, burying in each other's hair and caressing shoulders, faces, arms, anywhere within easy reach. They only drew apart when oxygen became a necessity, their reluctance evident in the minimal gap between them as they rested their foreheads together, panting desperately.

"I can't wait until I'm healed," Alex husked, eyes fluttering shut in a sensual display of longing.

"As much as I hate the circumstances, I rather like having the opportunity to redress the balance and take care of you for a while," Olivia admitted shyly, pressing another swift kiss to Alex's lips before scooping the discarded jug up from the breakfast bar and heading into the dining room to retrieve the chair they would need. "That's not to say I'm not looking forward to you getting better though. There are so many more things I want to do with you…and to you," she called throatily, making Alex very much aware that she was not alone in yearning for a deeper physical exploration of their love.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**18.57**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

Abbie's hand shook as she knocked on the solid wood of Kate's apartment door. Her stomach was a churning mess of nerves, Alex and Olivia's words having been swirling around in her mind since she left them.

"Hi Abbie, come in," Kate greeted cordially as she opened the door, stepping aside to allow the Texan plenty of room to get by.

Abbie breezed past, pausing just inside the doorway as the older woman shut the door behind her. "These are for you," the brunette stated, holding the modest bunch of flowers out towards Kate, her face telegraphing her contrition. "I'm sorry I left so abruptly this morning."

Kate brushed off the apology. "Your work's important, I understand that…"

"So are you," Abbie interrupted, not willing to let the redhead dismiss her thoughtlessness as though it hadn't mattered. Kate's reticence to allow Abbie within her personal space spoke volumes to the attorney.

"No, I'm not," Kate stated with a conviction which pierced Abbie's heart.

"Of course you are," she cried, risking moving closer though still not touching the older woman, abandoning the flowers and wine she still held on a nearby surface. "Kate, please, don't take my leaving this morning personally. It wasn't anything you did or didn't do that was behind it. I just looked at the time and saw that I needed to go if I was going to be at work on time. I'm ashamed to say nothing else crossed my mind…and it wasn't until this afternoon when I realised how it must have looked to you." Abbie thought it wiser not to mention that it had been a third party who had made her see sense, fearing that Kate wouldn't take her discussing their encounter with anyone else and not wanting her to think that that was a habit Abbie was prone to.

"It's fine, Abbie, really. I expected it," Kate sighed, turning away from the brunette and making to retreat.

"You expected what? It's obviously not fine, Kate, so talk to me, tell me what it was you expected of me? Is that what you think of me? You think that all I'm capable of is screwing around and running out?" Abbie asked, hurt lacing her own tone.

"No…it's not a reflection of you…it's just what people do. Every guy I've been with over the past few years has made all the right noises, done all the right things until they've seen me naked…and then they can't get away fast enough," Kate explained sadly.

"I'm not one of those guys and I am so sorry that I made you feel that way. There's nothing about you that makes me want you less, _nothing_. And if that's all I wanted, I'd think nothing of taking you in my arms right here, right now and proving that to you. But it's not _all_ I want, it's just a small part of what I want with you – an important and amazing part, yes but _only_ a part. And as much as I want all that with you, as much as I want everything there is to have from a relationship with you, I'm not too proud to admit you terrify me. The power you already have, the ability to hurt me you've got already…God that scares me beyond belief. I've told you things I've told only a handful of people before and everyone else I told, I'd known for years before I confided in them. Hell, you know things about me my own family don't know, that my closest friends don't know. If you ever wanted to hurt me, you have more than enough ammunition to destroy me and that's after only knowing you for a short time." Abbie paused, gulping as her anxiety threatened to overwhelm her.

"I'd never do that to you, honey," Kate stated assuredly, her expression softening in the face of Abbie's honesty. "Not even if this doesn't work out will I ever use anything you've told me in confidence as a weapon against you. Just as I'd hope you wouldn't throw anything that I've told you back in anger either," she cautioned, making clear that she had no intention of tolerating that kind of behaviour.

"I wouldn't, at least not intentionally. I'm…I've got no experience of relationships, not really. I can't say how I'll act because I've no benchmark to measure myself against. So there may be times when I am insensitive and ignorant and inconsiderate…but that won't be because I don't care about you, never because of that. Things that I say and do may hurt you and I'll need you to tell me, to be honest with me, when that happens because I can't know where I'm going wrong unless I know that I _have_ gone wrong so until I develop a keener sense of when everything's ok between us and when there is an issue, will you do that for me? Will you slap me up the back of the head and call me on my shit?" The Texan fiddled with her hands, wringing them tightly against one another over and over until a warm palm stilled their frantic motion.

"I will as long as you promise to try to learn to pick up on it yourself too. You're not the only one who's scared here, Abbie. I look at you and every time, I have to ask myself what someone as gorgeous, as young and attractive as you would want from someone like me. I have issues, a lot of them I suppose, with my self-image and self-esteem. I'm going to drive you mad with my insecurities, I'm sure and there'll be times when I've no doubt you'll want to scream and shake me. I hope, in time, if this works and you're still here, I'll learn to see myself a little more like you say you see me so yes, I will tell you if something you do or say hurts me, if you'll be patient with me and not become exasperated if I don't believe myself worthy of you?" Kate requested tentatively, startled as Abbie closed the gap between them and pulled her into a firm, solid embrace.

"I will," the brunette whispered into Kate's ear. "I will and I'll do my best to prove to you that you are not only worthy of my love but so much more than that too."

"Your love?" Kate gasped, clinging to the taller woman's willowy frame as though she feared she would disappear should she let go.

"My love," Abbie confirmed. "I've never before met anyone else I was willing to risk my heart for but I am for you…and for me to be prepared to do that, I know that what I feel for you must be something special. I know it's early days and I don't expect you to return the sentiment but it is how I feel, about you."

"I was so sure you were going to come over this evening and tell me you'd made a mistake," Kate confessed, a little tearfully, "but you've given me the greatest gift anyone could ever have given me. I care for you too, Abbie, so very, very deeply and if it isn't already, I'm sure that it will grow to be a great and treasured love."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.09**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"Well that was successful," Olivia groaned sardonically as she peeled her sodden shirt from her body.

"Help yourself to whatever you can find to wear, my entire wardrobe is at your disposal as a mark of gratitude for the trouble you went to," Alex cringed, feeling the need to apologise for the umpteenth time.

"It wasn't your fault. I should have wedged the towel better under your neck so it didn't slip out. How's your side? Is it still hurting as much?" Liv asked again, even though she had only received assurances that the pain was fading a few minutes earlier.

"It's fine, Liv. Honestly, it's easing off and I don't feel like I did any damage. It was just a little jolt anyway, not like I fell off the chair or anything. And I think I did more harm to you than myself! How is your leg?" Alex enquired, glancing at the toned thigh she had fiercely gripped as the chair on which she was sitting, which Liv had tilted slightly and wedged against the side of the sink to prevent Alex from having to slouch, had slipped, threatening to toss her to the ground. In her haste to steady herself, Alex's nails had dug into the denim-covered flesh as instinct took over and she reached for the first readily available thing she could cling to. In response, Olivia had jumped, throwing the jug full of water intended for Alex's hair over herself instead, drenching her shirt and a fair portion of the bathroom floor too.

"It's ok, I'll live. I may have a few nice bruises but they're battle scars I'll wear proudly if you feel better now your hair's at least a little fresher." Truth be told, Olivia had enjoyed washing Alex's hair for her, enjoying the opportunity to lavish some affection on the blonde and providing a thorough head massage for her. It was something she hoped Alex would allow her to recreate at a future time, although preferably in a more stable arena, such as the bath.

"It feels fantastic. Thank you." Alex, too, shed her damp tee, the neckline having inevitably become wet during their endeavours. The two of them faced one another, topless except for their bras, in front of Alex's closet. "If you can't find anything to wear, I wouldn't object to you spending the evening in your current attire, until your shirt dries at least."

"I'm sure you wouldn't," Liv replied, trying desperately not to let her body betray her as she watched Alex's hungry gaze sweep over her exposed torso. "If you were well enough to act on those ideas you're having right now, I'd be more than happy to oblige," she informed the younger woman, reading her like an open book, "but you're not and I think you've had quite enough vigorous exercise for one day with that debacle in there. So put that brilliant mind of yours to good use and find me something to wear, woman, while I go clean up the mess I made."

"Before you do, could you do me one little thing – well no, two actually?" Alex requested innocently with a brilliantly blinding smile.

Liv squinted at her suspiciously, "what's that?"

"Could you plug my hair dryer in over by the dresser so I don't have to try to bend down to pick it up?" Alex asked sweetly, waiting patiently for her lover to comply.

"Ok, done. That was one thing, what's the other?" Liv pondered, still wary of what her partner was planning.

"Can I have a kiss?" This time, Alex's smile faltered, just slightly, as a tiny sliver of doubt crept into her eyes. "I just…want to feel your skin against me. I know we can't take it further and I know it's not really fair of me to ask you to but…" Further words were cut off by a pair of soft, full lips capturing her own.

Olivia stood as close as she dared, resting her upper torso against the lithe blonde's, whimpering slightly at the sensations it generated. Alex's arms wrapped around her, caressing the smooth skin of her back and sending shivers down her spine. She trapped Alex's lower lip between her teeth, nipping and tugging at it before soothing it with her tongue. The brunette felt her lover's own tongue probing, initiating a duel which she eagerly participated in. They allowed themselves to get lost in the tide of emotions, relishing the depth of their connection and the soul-deep rightness of everything they felt.

"That's what I call a kiss," Alex growled as they parted, voice husky and deep. "You've left me feeling quite lightheaded," she stated with a mini mock swoon.

"Whilst I don't disagree that that was an amazing kiss, I'd be more inclined to put your dizziness down to the extended length of time you've been on your feet. Find yourself a top and sit down for a while. I'll be back as soon as I've mopped up the mess and then we can see about some food." Looking at her (fortunately waterproof) watch, Liv stated, "it'll be about time for your dose of Advil too if you want some more?"

"Yeah, I should probably take some, just to see off the last twinges from before." Seeing Liv's anxiety level automatically rising again, she hastened to add, "it's not hurting any worse, it's just letting me know it's there is all. But all in all, it's been a pretty good day, I think – I've been up and about plenty, I've eaten, I've drunk a lot, I've napped when I felt I needed to…and I've had you by my side for all except that half hour when you dived out to the store."

"Well, when you put it like that, it's not overly surprising that you'd be a little tender by now is it? You have packed a lot in today considering you only had surgery last night. I do, however, predict an early night for us both. Tomorrow, I was wondering if you'd like a change of scenery, if you feel up to it? Your bed is being delivered at my apartment any time between ten and one so I need to be there to let the delivery guys in. If you don't it's not a problem, I'm sure you'll be ready for some time to yourself by then anyway and I trust you not to do anything your body asks you not to but the offer's there," Liv informed the younger woman as Alex turned away to root through her closet for something to wear.

"I'll see how I am in the morning but, in principal, I like the idea of spending some time at your place with you," Alex called over her shoulder to Olivia, who was already on her way out of the bedroom.

"That'll do me," the brunette assured wearing a soft smile, even though her lover wouldn't see it.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**19.54**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

"Oh my, I'm so full I don't think I can move!" Kate groaned. "Why did I let you talk me into eating that last slice of pizza?"

"Because we paid for it and cold pizza for breakfast is just too reminiscent of being a student," Abbie quipped, rubbing her own replete belly with a self-satisfied smile.

"It's alright for you, Miss Skinny-as-a-Rake. Some of only have to look at calories for them to pile onto our hips and butt," Kate continued to gripe.

"Well that just gives me more of you to love then, doesn't it? And since I can't get enough of you, there is no such thing as too much," Abbie replied, stalking across the floor on hands and knees to where her lover was reclining against the sofa. The younger woman curled herself into Kate's side, draping her arm lightly across the redhead's abdomen and resting her head on her shoulder. As Kate's arm tightened around her, drawing her closer and holding her more securely, Abbie released a contented sigh.

"You're sweet," Kate announced, dropping a tender kiss to Abbie's crown. "Full of bull, but sweet all the same."

"Not bull," Abbie mumbled, letting her lips begin a decadent dance of seduction across the smooth skin of Kate's neck. "I happen to adore every bit of your body that I've had the privilege to explore so far and I'm sure I'll find those parts I've yet to lavish attention on every bit as beautiful too."

Kate bit her lip to try and stifle her appreciative moan as talented lips teased a particularly erogenous area of her neck and though her attempts were valiant, they simply muffled the sound. "Abbie, I don't think you want to start this right now…" she warned, voice dropping into a rich alto register as desire flooded her core.

"I think I do…" Abbie responded cheekily, continuing her oral assault.

"No…you don't…unless you want my dinner to make a reappearance!" Kate ground out, feebly attempting to bat the Texan away with one palm, only to have her capture the hand and transfer her attentions to each of her fingers in turn, sucking them seductively into the hot cavern of her mouth and toying with the tips with her tongue. "Oh God…!" the redhead squeaked, feeling her panties flood with moisture in response to the erotic gesture. "Abbie…please…I need…"

The brunette was merciless in her quest to fulfil her desire, sensing that she was breaking through her lover's defences. "What do you need, sweetheart?"

"Time…I need time…to digest…dinner. Later, I'm all yours to with me as you will but just for now, please, can we just…hold one another?" Kate asked hopefully, as the attorney seemed to realise she was serious about stopping.

"Yeah, course we can," Abbie agreed readily, settling herself back against Kate's shoulder, moulding her length the older woman's side.

"You sure you don't mind?" Kate checked, twirling a lock of Abbie's dark brown hair between her fingers.

"Why would I mind?" Abbie asked, genuinely perplexed. She was more than happy to take the evening slowly if it made the older woman more comfortable and she was also certain that she had effectively distracted Kate from further concerns regarding her weight.

"Well, if a guy had just done what you did and I shut him down, I'd be accused of being a tease," Kate explained, adoring the bemused expression the brunette was sporting.

"Well you did promise to put out later so…" the Texan teased with a wide grin, earning her a playful slap. "Seriously, I'm just delighted you're still willing to give us a chance after the way I behaved this morning and I want to do whatever I can to show you that that's not me, not when I engage my brain. Would you be amenable to coming out for dinner with me on Sunday evening?" Abbie enquired, feeling her skin threaten to flush as she asked the older woman on an official date.

"I'd be very amenable to it. In fact, I'd go as far as to say I would jump at the opportunity," the redhead advised warmly. Further organisation was interrupted by the ringing of Kate's cell phone. She edged away from Abbie slightly while she retrieved the device but re-settled in her previous position once she had hold of it, cradling the brunette against her lovingly. "Declan, what's up?" Kate asked as she answered the phone to the eldest of her two younger brothers, who rarely, if ever called her.

"_Hey Katie-cat, Phil and I were chatting earlier about Mom and Dad's anniversary next month. It's the big six-oh, that's a major deal, staying together that long, especially with Dad's snoring and Ma's badgering. We were wondering if you'd thought about how to help them celebrate the event? Only, we were thinking a party might be nice, you know get caterers in, hire a room somewhere, deck it out with balloons, find a DJ who won't offend their sense of bad music, that sort of thing._" Declan paused as if expecting some sort of rapturous response. "_Well? What do you think?_" he prompted when none was forthcoming.

Kate sighed. "I think it sounds lovely Dec but it also sounds like a lot of work to organise – a lot of work which I can already tell will be sent my way What's wrong with taking them out for a nice meal somewhere and inviting along their closest friends and family? That way, we can pitch in for a few bottles of sparkling wine for everyone but the main costs can be shared out among everyone who's there, rather than the three of us trying to find some way to foot the bill," she stated, hinting that she suspected the largest portion of the cost would also fall to her to find.

"_It's not exactly special though is it? I mean, they've dedicated 60 years of their lives to each other and the last 44 years looking out for their kids too. Don't you think that is deserving of something more than a quick meal in some generic restaurant with piped music and sharing everyone else's conversations? And you do have the most free time on your hands…_" The little rat always knew how to play his sister, appealing to her sense of righteousness and decency.

Retrieving her arm from around Abbie's shoulders, Kate leaned forward, her palm pressed against her forehead. "You're right, it's not. Leave it with me and I'll see what I can come up with. I'll call you in a day or two and let you know what I've managed to organise."

"_Thanks sis, you're a legend! Phil said to say hi and not to get any of that veggie crap on the buffet again this time,_" Declan announced with glee, ringing off before Kate could generate a response.

Abbie sat quietly beside her lover, watching her response to the phone call with unguarded interest. There was a palpable tension rolling off the older woman which the brunette was yearning to soothe from her shoulders but was unsure whether her touch would be welcomed.

"My brother, one of them at least. Apparently, I've been volunteered to organise a 60th wedding anniversary party for our parents," Kate supplied without any prompting from her companion.

"When is their anniversary?" Abbie asked, having guessed there was some kind of celebration involved given what she had heard of Kate's side of the brief conversation.

"Middle of next month, which gives me a little over four weeks to arrange a room, a caterer, music, transport for Mom and Dad and invite guests, get RSVP's so I know how many I'm feeding…" Kate moaned, realising just how much work she had let herself in for.

"I'm happy to help ring round places and write names on invitations, things like that," Abbie offered genuinely, rubbing the space between Kate's shoulders with the palm of one hand.

"That's kind of you but I wouldn't expect you to do that. You're already busy enough with your work," the redhead protested.

"You're not expecting and I'm not offering to make myself look good. I'm here, I'm willing and able, what's the harm in making use of me? Save you shouldering the stress all by yourself. And if you won't let me do that, I'll be forced to hold your cell phone hostage and threaten your brothers with Federal prosecution if they don't do their fair share of the labour!" Abbie quipped with a look of stern determination, the effect of which was completely undermined by the amused twinkle in her eye.

"Pinch me," Kate suddenly blurted.

With a quizzical frown, Abbie did as directed before asking, "why?"

Kate laughed gleefully, gently rubbing her arm where Abbie had followed her instruction. "I was just checking you were real, that I wasn't dreaming this," she explained. "I would love your help with Mom and Dad's party. Any tiny amount of time you can give me would be fantastic. Thank you," the redhead purred graciously, offering the Texan a loving kiss in return.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**21.11**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"Why don't you go and get ready for bed?" Liv asked softly as she watched Alex shift uncomfortably for at least the twentieth time in the previous half hour. Her eyes were heavy-lidded and numerous yawn had peppered Alex's speech, effectively signposting her flagging energy reserves. "I'll bring a glass of water through for you in a few minutes."

"You are staying the night, aren't you?" Alex asked timidly, still experiencing bouts of insecurity.

"Of course I am, as long as you're okay with that?" Liv replied, carding her fingers through Alex's freshly washed hair.

"I'll kick your ass if you leave. Does that answer your question?" Alex quipped, only half joking. Her eyes fluttered shut once again, the effort to re-open them greater each time.

"It does…and you won't need to follow through on that promise," Liv assured her lover. "Come on, let's get you into bed. If you rest now, hopefully you'll be strong enough to come over to my apartment with me tomorrow so you can have the joy of ordering the delivery guys around."

"Oh goody," Alex cheered with feigned brevity, letting her head fall back against the upright cushion of the sofa. "Can't I just sleep here?" she whined, not sure she had it in her to walk the short distance to her room.

"No honey, you can't. It won't do you any good and you won't get the kind of rest you need. I can carry you if want, if it won't hurt you too much?" Olivia offered, already preparing to stand.

"I should walk…" Alex muttered, her usual determination buried under her fatigue.

"You've done enough walking for today," Olivia announced firmly, working her arms underneath Alex's knees and encouraging the younger woman to loop her own arms around Liv's neck. "Let me know if it's too sore."

Alex nodded tightly, bracing herself for the pain she expected to come. She was pleasantly surprised when the discomfort was tolerable as the older woman hoisted her off the couch. "I'm good," she promised her lover when Liv paused to assess her comfort level. She leant her head to the side, resting it against Olivia's cheek. "Thank you," she breathed.

"You're welcome," Liv husked, carefully navigating her way through the apartment with her precious cargo cradled in her arms.

"You know, most couples wait until the honeymoon to do the 'carry across the threshold' thing and yet this is the second time in the last two days you've swept me off my feet. This may be a dangerous precedent you're setting here, Detective," Alex teased, her breath ghosting over the smooth skin of the brunette's cheek.

"I've told you before not to get too used to this type of treatment. Once you're well again, I'll definitely be reserving it for special occasions…and when you're at your most obstinate, although then I'm more likely to just toss you over my shoulder!" Olivia quipped in return, grinning at her outraged lover and throwing a wink in her direction for good measure.

"Pile it on, madame. Keep it coming. My body may not be a hundred percent right now but there's no impairment to my memory. You'll get your comeuppance for mocking the afflicted," Alex stated, her assuredness undermined by the weary tone to her voice.

"Of that I have no doubt, sweetheart," Liv cooed with gentle amusement as she set the younger woman on her feet in order to free up her hands and enable her to turn down the covers. "Want to change or you happy to sleep in what you're wearing?"

"This is fine, or will be once I get rid of this bra," the tired blonde stated as her arms disappeared inside the fresh cotton tee she was wearing, rummaging around until she produced the aforementioned garment. She tossed it aside and shuffled towards the bed. Olivia darted round her, handing her one of the pillows to hold against her side for support. Once she was settled in the bed, Olivia turned to leave, intent on fetching the glass of water she had promised the blonde woman many minutes previously. "Stay…please?" Alex's plaintive voice rang out.

"I will sweetheart, I'm just going to bring you some water," Liv explained, watching closely at the shadows chasing across the younger woman's features. "But it can wait for a few minutes," she agreed, walking back over to the bed and lying down beside her lover. "I'll just stay 'til you're sleeping. I can't sleep with you…I'd never forgive myself if I turned over to hold you in the night and ended up hurting you. But I'll still be at the apartment whenever you wake up, no matter what time that is, so if you want or need anything, all you'll need to do is shout me." Alex's arm wormed its way out from beneath the blankets, her hand finding Liv's own, needing that physical connection to allow her to relax enough to drift off to sleep.

"Love you, Liv," were the last words she murmured as she gave in to her crushing fatigue, a vague smile settling on her lips as she heard the sentiment returned.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Friday April 10<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**22.54**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

Abbie gazed lovingly up at Kate as her lover leant over, half covering the Texan's body with her own.

"You ok with me like this? I'm not making you feel trapped or anything?" Kate asked gently, hand caressing the side of Abbie's face.

"No…no this is great…perfect," the brunette stated, revelling in the feel of naked skin on naked skin.

The redhead allowed her hand to wander lower, to trail down the side of Abbie's neck, her lips following suit as the attorney tilted her head to allow greater access. Kate took her time exploring, delighting in discovering those areas which made Abbie's pulse race and her hips squirm. Her palm brushed over a tightly distended nipple, drawing a long hiss of encouragement from her lover. Kate wriggled further down the bed, dipping her head and kissing her way across the smooth, open expanse of Abbie's chest until her lips too found that sensitive bud. She remembered what Abbie had done, how Abbie had used her own mouth to excite her and tried to replicate that herself for the younger woman. Judging by the fist which tightened in her hair, holding her in place, and the whimpers of excitement which Abbie was emitting, Kate surmised that her efforts were being appreciated. She let one hand drift to the opposite side of the brunette's chest, teasing and toying with the other nipple, doubling the sensations shooting directly to Abbie's core.

"Kate…kiss me…please…" the wanton attorney implored.

The redhead gladly obliged, raking her lips over the hypersensitive flesh of Abbie's upper chest, across her neck and jaw and finally latching on to already parted lips, worshipping them with a hunger which surprised her. "You feel so good beneath my hands, my lips…" Kate murmured against Abbie's mouth, one hand still lazily rolling and pinching a receptive nipple. Abbie's hips were undulating gently, rocking back and forth against the air.

"Please…your leg…your thigh…between my legs…" the brunette panted desperately, yearning for friction where she needed it most.

"No," Kate replied teasingly, leaving Abbie's lips once again and slithering back down her body, offering oral attention to the opposite breast to the one she had previously enjoyed. Her own body sang in harmony with Abbie's as the whimpers and pleas became more heartfelt, more intense. She stroked twitching inner thighs with the backs of her fingers, marvelling at the way they instinctively opened wider, inviting her to explore further, deeper into the sacred territory at their apex. Her lips reluctantly left their new favourite toy in favour of laying a trail of kisses along the path of Abbie's proud sternum, descending lower in search of hidden liquid heat.

Abbie's mind was awhirl at the heady sensations flowing through her body under Kate's diligent ministrations. It took her a moment to become cognizant of a coolness around her now neglected nipple, the night air chilling it as it dried. She forced her eyes open to see if what she thought she was feeling was real. "Kate…you don't have to…Oh God!" Her eyes slammed shut again as she felt Kate's tongue dip into her navel and swirl around. Never before had she understood how good it could feel.

"I may not have to, but I happen to want to. I want to know what you taste of. I want to know how you feel against my tongue and my lips…but if you're not comfortable with this right now, we don't have to," Kate purred, resting her chin gently against the washboard stomach beneath her.

"I want…I very, _very_ much want…I just…don't want you to think you have to," Abbie gasped, voice gravelly with desire.

"I'm not doing it because I feel I should, honey. I want to love you this way. I want to make you feel the same way I felt when you did this for me," Kate stated reassuringly, tracing a prominent hip bone with her thumb in soothing fashion. She watched the reticence drain from Abbie's expression in response to her honest admission. As the younger woman relaxed beneath her, Kate resumed her journey down Abbie's taut, toned abdomen, prising swollen lips apart with her thumbs and glimpsing the hidden treasure for the first time. The redhead swallowed thickly as she stared in awe at the beautiful sight before her. Just as Abbie began to grow concerned, Kate bent close, breathing in deep lungs full of the Texan's unique scent. When that proved to be insufficient to satisfy her desire, the older woman dragged the tip of her tongue along the exposed inner folds of deep pink flesh, gathering the nectar they contained and letting its flavour dance on her tastebuds. The first hit unleashed a deeper hunger within Kate, causing her to feast on her lovers core voraciously. She licked and sucked, attempting to drain every last drop of juice Abbie produced, loving that the brunette's body simply produced more for her to enjoy. The first time her tongue slipped inside Abbie's fluttering opening, the attorney barked out a hoarse cry of ecstasy, one hand shooting downwards, fingers pressing against Kate's scalp, keeping her in place.

"Amazing…" Abbie groaned, marvelling at the redhead's enthusiasm and her innate skill which was currently driving her wild. She felt Kate smile against her, as the older woman's tongue plunged in and out of Abbie's fluttering centre. When Kate's nose nudged her clit, Abbie could no longer control her hips. They bucked off the bed, bowing her spine and inducing a long guttural moan. Still Kate remained committed to her cause, despite having to encircle Abbie's hips in order to stay attached. Withdrawing her tongue, to whimpers of protest, Kate shifted her attention to the bundle of nerves prodding her nose. She explored the area with her tongue, brushing over the fleshy hood before pushing beneath it to the shielded gem. Abbie cried out, tightening her hold on Kate's head and inadvertently deepening the contact between them. As the brunette felt two fingers slip inside her and lips wrapping around her clit, she screamed out her orgasm, riding her lovers mouth and fingers until she was unable to take any more. She coaxed Kate's head away, urging her to lie beside her as she flopped bonelessly back onto the mattress. "If that's you as a novice, you may just kill me when you've had more practice!" Abbie stated throatily once she had recovered, earning her a hearty chuckle from the woman now nestled in beside her.

"I doubt that but it will be fun practicing all the same," Kate replied before accepting a loving kiss from her exhausted companion. "Consider it my secret weapon to make sure you're in no fit state to run off again," she quipped cheekily as Abbie's eyes fluttered shut.


	69. Chapter 69

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Thank you all for reading, reviewing, adding this story to your alerts. Allie-Livvy, welcome aboard and thanks for taking a shot at reading even though it's not yet finished - emphasis on the yet, because it will be finished, in another 30 or so chapters at this rate but we'll get there! Dee Hensley, you're too kind but thank you for saying each chapter improves on the one before. How? Well I can only put that down to me actually falling a little more in love with the story myself every time I write it! JRBenson, how many times have you read that part now? ;)**_

_**Consider yourselves fortunate! Lol. Only because, I really didn't expect to be able to get anything up until at least Tuesday, not having had a lot of time over the last few days to write. But this morning, Muse held me hostage until I'd typed this up so here you go, this is the end result of being tied to a chair and not let go until Muse was satisfied I'd written a sufficient amount to tide you over. It's shorter than the last and doesn't include everything I assumed it would when I set about writing it but that simply means more to go in the next chapter instead! Off to visit my aunt in hospital now so must dash and make myself look vaguely human!**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**08.13**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

Kate stretched as she awoke, consciousness returning and with it a delicious ache in muscles she had not needed to use in a very long time. The previous night – and well into the early hours of the morning – had been spent both lavishing attention upon and receiving similar devoted care from her gorgeous new lover. She never would have believed herself capable of achieving so many orgasms in such a short space of time…or of developing such a passion for giving oral pleasure but once she had tasted Abbie, the younger woman had to practically beg her for a rest! Along with her burgeoning wakefulness, Kate also came to the crushing realisation that she was alone, that Abbie's lithe body was no longer wrapped around her, cradling her close in a warm embrace.

"Damnit," she cursed softly, mentally berating herself for being so foolish as to believe Abbie would have stayed. The sound of a heavy thud from the direction of her kitchen had the redhead sitting bolt upright in bed, heart pounding. She leapt to her feet and dashed towards where the noise had come from, no thought for her own safety.

"Stupid, shitting, clumsy idiot…"

"Abbie?" Kate queried in confusion, able to hear the younger woman's voice as she berated someone but not seeing her. A still sleep-tousled head peered over the kitchen counter, sheepish expression settling on the brunette's features.

"Please tell me I didn't wake you?" the Texan begged with a groan.

"You didn't wake me…your absence from my bed however may have contributed to my wakening," Kate advised with a raised eyebrow. "What on earth are you doing behind there?" she asked, making to step around the island.

"Don't!" Abbie barked urgently. "It was supposed to be breakfast in bed for you…but half of it is now liberally covering your kitchen floor because I'm too much of a klutz to do anything right," she expanded, not wanting to add insult to injury and have Kate slip on the mess she had managed to create.

"Oh honey, you're too sweet to me," the redhead announced adoringly as she carefully picked her way through the debris to where her young lover was slumped dejectedly against the side of the island counter. "They say it's the thought that counts right? And I am very, very touched by the thought. Although I will have to strongly disagree with your assertion that you can't do anything right, seeing as how my body is very definitely reminding me of everything you did so very well last night…and this morning," she purred huskily, dropping to her knees beside Abbie.

"I wanted to wake you up with a special breakfast to make up for running out on you yesterday morning," the brunette whined.

"Having you here makes up for it well enough," Kate assured her, pressing a gentle kiss to reluctant lips as she settled herself in close beside the attorney. "Want a hand clearing this lot up?"

"No," Abbie sighed, "I made the mess, I'm the one who should clean it up." The Texan went to shift her weight to her knees, preparing to recommence the mammoth task of removing the now spoiled breakfast from the formerly pristine tiles.

Kate caught her around her waist, pulling her back against her own naked body. "I have a better idea," she murmured directly into the shell of Abbie's ear. "How about we both clean this up, then take a shower, preferably together, and after that, I'll treat us to breakfast somewhere on our way to the centre?" Her hands slipped beneath the hem of the plain t-shirt Abbie had found to throw on, fingertips teasingly stroking Abbie's stomach lightly.

"I should be the one treating you…" Abbie protested, allowing her body to sag into the comforting hold.

"Having you here, with me, is all the treat I need," Kate hummed, wrapping her arms tighter around Abbie and resting her chin on the brunette's thin shoulder. "Please, Abbie, don't keep beating yourself up over this. The fact that you went to all this time and trouble makes me feel so special, so incredibly lucky and I'm sorry it didn't turn out exactly how you planned it to but I appreciate the effort and the reasoning behind it, which means it's not entirely wasted. The sooner we get this tidied up, the longer I have to show you just how appreciative I am too," she added, for extra incentive. Releasing the Texan, she crawled over to the sink, pulling a dustpan and brush out from the cupboard underneath it to aid the clean-up operation. Without any further fuss, she set to sweeping up the remnants of the pancakes and scrambled eggs which were liberally adorning her kitchen floor. She felt warm hands at her elbows as Abbie's body folded over the top of hers.

"Please let me do that?" Abbie begged.

"I've got it, why don't you grab a cloth and wipe over where I've swept up?" Kate suggested, keeping a strong hold on her equipment.

"You don't want me following you around, not unless you're prepared to be taken right here on the kitchen floor," the Texan husked into Kate's ear, rolling her hips and grinding her centre into Kate's butt to emphasize her point. "I have a rather enticing view from back here."

"I highly doubt you could find following my fat ass any kinds of arousing but you're sweet to try and use that to persuade me to give in to your demands that I leave you to clean up," Kate persisted, wriggling away a little and moving on to the next spot which needed attention.

A low growl sounded from behind her before two warm hands planted themselves on her ass cheeks, rubbing and caressing them lightly. "You think seeing this can't drive me wild?" Abbie asked, voice low and throaty. "For that, I'm going to show you just how wrong you are." The brunette once again folded herself over Kate's back, cradling her from behind. The older woman drew in a sharp breath as she realised Abbie had removed her t-shirt and was now also naked. Proud, rigid nipples pressed into her back, prodding her just beneath where her shoulder blades ended. The hands which had been palming her buttocks trailed lower, moving inwards to tease her inner thighs, coaxing her legs wider apart.

"Abbie…" she gasped as long fingers teased her sensitive slit.

"Watching you, so open, so available to me, how could I not want to bury myself in you? To take you hard and fast, right here, right now?" As Abbie spoke, she plunged two fingers into Kate's willing opening, glad to find her lover already sufficiently lubricated to accept her entry, though nowhere near as wet as she intended to make her. She retreated swiftly before thrusting back inside, using her hip and thigh to give her additional leverage in the motion, penetrating Kate as deeply as she was able. Her free hand dropped to the floor, propping herself up and steadying herself as she set up a frantic, frenzied pace. A third finger slipped easily into Kate as the older woman's juices began flowing in earnest and her body reacted strongly to being taken so wantonly from behind.

"Oh my…" Kate squealed, elbows buckling. Her upper body dropped forward, braced against the lino floor on her forearms, inadvertently offering better access to her lover. Abbie's thrusts increased in pace and force, lips kissing their way over her back, drifting from side to side in an ever descending spiral. Teeth nipped at first one buttock and then the other as the talented fingers inside her began to rhythmically massage the hypersensitive internal ridge of flesh and nerves. Kate felt her lower body undulating madly in time with Abbie's rhythm, riding out her pleasure, crying out as a slight rotation was added to the mix.

Abbie was lost in lust, consumed by the erotic sight of her lover writhing helplessly beneath her, taking everything she had to offer. She rolled her wrist around, working the tight opening and caressing Kate's inner walls firmly. "Can you take any more?" she growled, the sound sending thrills down the redhead's spine.

"More?" Kate questioned breathily, not sure she understood what Abbie meant, already feeling as though the brunette was filling her completely. Her meaning became crystal clear as the pace of her thrusting slowed to a gentle rocking and another finger probed her entrance. She tensed slightly, already feeling stretched to her maximum. "I'm not sure…"

"If it hurts at all, if it's at all uncomfortable, I'll stop, ok? As soon as you say the word, I'll stop," Abbie assured her, the mood changing from primal to sensual, though the undercurrent of animalistic hunger remained.

Kate nodded her assent, panting out, "okay," for good measure in case Abbie couldn't see her head movement clearly.

"Just relax, sweetheart," the brunette coaxed, rolling her hips and guiding the three fingers already within Kate to resume a languid thrusting motion, again with the gentle rotation designed to open Kate to her maximum in preparation for the additional girth. Without fanfare, Abbie slid the fourth finger home on the next inward push, continuing her previous motion to assist Kate's body with accommodating the intrusion.

"Yes…" Kate hissed, feeling more filled than she ever had. Abbie's fingers were long and slender, reaching deep inside her as they buried themselves right up the third knuckle. "Fuck me…" Neither woman was sure whether it was a declaration of contentment or a direction but the baser instincts rose once more. Abbie's pace quickened, the pressure inside Kate increased and all too soon for either of them the redhead's muscles clamped down in hard spasms, milking the hand buried within her savagely. The final position of Abbie's hand left her thumb in perfect position to flatten itself against Kate's clit, earning her a piercing scream of pleasure and a tightening of core muscles which threatened to squeeze all feeling out of her fingers.

As the orgasm subsided, Abbie extracted her hand from its hot cocoon, bringing it to her lips and thoroughly cleansing each finger with a string of satisfied mewls. Kate remained slumped on the floor, completely spent from the shattering climax delivered to her. Satisfied that her lover was going nowhere in a hurry, Abbie stood and washed her hands at the kitchen sink, drying them briskly before stooping to swipe the dustpan and brush from Kate's limp fingers.

"Abbie…" Kate weakly protested, trying to coordinate her movements sufficiently to retrieve the cleaning equipment.

"I'll have to remember how effective that persuasion technique is," Abbie quipped throatily, laughing delightedly at the glare Kate attempted.

"You don't play fair," the redhead groaned, pushing herself back onto all fours with some difficulty, arms still quivering. "But I'll be damned if I wouldn't submit to that kind of persuasion again sometime," Kate admitted.

"Oh really?" Abbie murmured, one eyebrow raised suggestively as she advanced towards her lover.

Kate squeaked and backed away. "I said _sometime_ not right now!"

Abbie released another hearty laugh as she bore down on the older woman. "I'll take pity on you…for now…if you'll let me steal a kiss and then let me clear up this mess."

"Fine…but only because you've exhausted me too much to keep arguing with you. Though I would like to point out you have no need to steal kisses. Those I will always give to you freely," Kate replied, before demonstrating just how freely she was prepared to offer her lips to Abbie.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**08.47**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"Good morning, how are you feeling? I was just going to come in and see if you needed anything," Liv greeted Alex cheerily, gladly accepting the kiss the younger woman offered as she shuffled closer.

"Hmmm, now it's a good morning," Alex sighed, nestling herself against Olivia's side and breathing in her unique, spicy scent. "I'm very pleased to report that I'm feeling less tired today and less sore too. I still feel a little punch drunk but I guess that'll take a day or two to clear completely. I think I must have slept like the dead though, I don't remember waking at all in the night."

"That's great to hear, sleep will do you the world of good. It will take time, yes, but you're looking brighter today. There's fresh coffee in the pot," Liv announced, pointing in its direction from her seat at the breakfast bar, knowing Alex was capable of pouring her own drink and having made sure to reach a mug down already for her to use.

"Thanks, love," the attorney murmured, appreciating being allowed to fend for herself a little. "Have you had breakfast already?" She realised, looking Liv over, that the brunette must have been up for a while. Liv was dressed in comfortably casual clothes – her indigo jeans and a sweater Alex had leant her, which fit her far more snugly than it ever had Alex – and her hair was almost dry but still showed signs of having been washed, suggesting she had showered before Alex had woken up.

"No, not yet. I thought I'd wait and see what you felt like eating, although, if you're planning on coming to mine with me this morning, we'd better make it something quick, or something we can eat on the run," Liv advised, checking her watch and seeing it was already approaching nine o'clock.

"Let me take this coffee to my room then so I can drink it while I get ready and dressed. How about we pick up some bagels or waffles on the way to yours? We can eat them when we get to your apartment," Alex suggested rationally, already beginning to make her way back towards the master bedroom.

"Sounds like a good plan to me. Give me a shout if you need a hand with any of your clothing or anything, don't go undoing all the good work you've done so far by getting impatient now," the brunette cautioned, eyeing the attorney with an assessing stare, knowing full well how headstrong the young woman could be.

"I won't, I promise. I don't want anything to jeopardise my recovery, Liv. I want to be well again as soon as I can…for us," Alex promised. "I think I'll manage most things myself though, if I wear a skirt instead of pants. I may still need your help with…" Alex blushed and looked down to the side.

"With what, honey?" Olivia cooed softly, rising from her seat and approaching her lover.

"…with getting my panties on," Alex admitted grudgingly.

Liv tipped Alex's head back up to meet hers, placing a tender, loving kiss against thin, pursed lips. "Don't be embarrassed about asking me to help you. It's probably the only time I'll be tasked with putting panties on you instead of taking them off," the detective joked, wanting to lighten the mood and ease her partner's discomfort. Pleased to see a grin tugging at the younger woman's lips, Liv directed, "come on, I'll keep you company while you dress, I want to run something by you."

"Oh?" Alex enquired, curiosity piqued enough to forget about her earlier discomfort.

"Yeah…what do you think about the idea of me having a housewarming at my new apartment? Nothing lavish or fancy, just the guys from work, Abbie and Kate, you obviously…and I thought I'd ask Gina and Fausto along too," Liv announced as they walked slowly, side by side, towards Alex's room.

"I think that's a wonderful idea, the party and inviting the Camanettis. If the only way Gina will come is if I'm not there, I'll stay away. Obviously, I'd hope that I wouldn't have to but if it's too soon for her to see us together, I can understand that and I won't do anything to stand in your way of reconnecting with her. I know how much they both mean to you." Alex's stride never faltered, never wavered as she offered to sacrifice her own attendance in deference to making sure Olivia could build bridges with Gina.

"She needs to get used to seeing us together some time if she's going to be a part of my life," the brunette replied, concern adding an edge to her tone.

"Yes she does, but one step at a time. She might need to see you and just you, not you as part of another couple, to begin with until the pain of losing Sam is less sharp for her. I want to be there too but I won't do so at the expense of your relationship with people who have become your family," Alex insisted, pulling her sleep tee over her head and tossing it onto the rumpled sheets of her bed. She watched with amused fascination as Olivia immediately began straightening the bed, smoothing out the sheets and pulling the blankets back over them. The lithe blonde untied the drawstring at the waist of her pyjama pants and allowed them to pool to the floor, stepping out of them, leaving her naked except for her white cotton briefs. Olivia's attention remained steadfastly on the bed, plumping pillows and arranging them perfectly, folding down the top of the blankets much as you'd find in a hotel. Never had Alex's bed been made so precisely. It finally dawned on her that the brunette's actions were deliberate, an attempt to distract herself from her mostly naked girlfriend, whose body she couldn't yet ravish, no matter how badly they both craved it. Feeling cruel for putting temptation so blatantly in Liv's way, Alex stepped into the en suite bathroom to begin her morning routine, out of Olivia's line of sight.

"I'll speak to Fausto later and invite them but you're my family now too, Alex," the detective's voice called softly through the door left ajar.

Alex hurried through her ablutions, managing to shed her current panties whilst sat on the toilet but having to leave them on the bathroom floor. Attempting to bend down had resulted in a pain she was not willing to make worse by pushing the issue and so she resigned herself to having to ask Liv to pick up after her. She grabbed her thick, plush bathrobe from the back of the door, wrapping it around herself and tying the belt off as securely as she could without it irritating her incisions. Satisfied that she was done and sufficiently hidden beneath the fluffy material, she stepped back out into the bedroom, surprised to see Olivia seated on the edge of the bed waiting for her.

"Did you check you operation site? How's it looking?" the brunette asked quietly, taking her responsibilities as Alex's care giver very seriously, not wanting to glibly overlook some small inflammation which could escalate without the proper attention.

"It looks…like I was stabbed with some weird triangular knife," Alex stated, not sure how else to describe it or whether its appearance was good or not.

"Can I take a look at it?" Liv asked, not moving from her spot on the bed.

Alex chewed nervously on her lower lip, knowing it would increased the caring brunette's anxiety if she refused but feeling self conscious about being naked beneath her robe. "I uh…I've…nothing on…under here," she confessed bashfully.

"I promise not to look anywhere you're not comfortable with me looking," Olivia assured the skittish blonde, who despite her protestations had stepped closer and was now standing between the detectives splayed knees.

"That's not the problem. I think it's more a case of me being entirely too comfortable with the idea of you seeing any part of me but frustrated that I can't do anything more than let you look," Alex growled, fidgeting with the tie holding her robe closed before tugging on it and letting it fall open, revealing a narrow gap through which her nude body was clearly visible. Her arms shot out to brace herself against Olivia's shoulders as the detective gently parted the material wider.

"Amazing…" the brunette purred sensually, unable to prevent her eyes drifting over the vast expanse of pale, creamy white flesh which rippled a over surprisingly muscular stomach and abdomen, despite her previous promise. Her breasts sat high and proud on her chest, topped by rosy areolas and puckered nipples which were beginning to show signs of coming to attention under the scrutiny and the cool air. "You're a Goddess," Liv breathed, losing herself in the delightful view and leaning her head closer to trail gentle, reverent kisses across the smooth, toned stomach before her.

"Liv…" Alex whimpered, feeling her knees weaken, purely from the feel of those lips worshipping her body. "I can't…" she ground out on a sob of pure frustration.

"I know…" her lover sighed with equal disappointment, "but soon…" she promised, placing one last kiss against the attorney's skin before leaning back and turning her attention to the healing surgical scars. "These look perfect," Olivia informed Alex happily, seeing minimal inflammation and irritation around the cuts. "You're healing well," she congratulated the younger woman. Moving her hands to safer territory back outside of the robe, Liv patted Alex's hip. "Now, let me grab some panties and get them on you before _I'm_ the one responsible for undoing all this good work."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**10.09**_

_**Ivy Martin Centre, Midtown**_

"Hey Lola, you ready to do some more on your beautiful collage?" Abbie called jovially as she saw her young friend arrive with her mother. She approached them on swift feet, dropping to a crouch in order to greet the girl properly.

"Lola's a little under the weather today but she insisted she wanted to come," Mom advised, running one hand tenderly over Lola's dark locks.

"Aw, I'm sorry to hear that honey. Well, you stick with me and let me know if you feel worse any time, ok? If you can't stay and need to go home, that's alright. We can hang out together next weekend instead when you're feeling better again," Abbie cooed, embracing the fragile child as she practically fell into the Texan's arms.

"I wanna stay," Lola croaked, burying her head in Abbie's neck and clinging to her as tightly as she could manage.

"If it's ok with you, I'll just run to the store and get some basic groceries and then come back and check on her. If she needs to come home then, I can take her with me," Lola's mom offered, earning her a nod of acceptance from the lithe brunette her daughter had taken a shine to.

"Lola and I will be fine for a little while, won't we sweetie? Why don't we go and sit in the quiet corner, get ourselves all cosy on the cushions and read a book together?" Abbie suggested, hefting her limpet-like friend onto her hip as she stood.

Lola laid her head against Abbie's shoulder, arms wrapped around her neck as she let her newest friend carry her over to the area set up with large, brightly coloured, overstuffed cushions. "Could we read The Velveteen Rabbit, Miss Abbie?" The attorney set Lola down on the ground, keeping gentle hands steadying her until she was certain the girl had found her feet.

"Of course we can. You get yourself comfortable, I'll grab the book and be back in no time," the Texan agreed readily, having had the same story read to her many times growing up, before her family had turned their back on her. Shaking off melancholy thoughts, she hurried back to her young charge with the requested book clenched firmly in her hands. Her heart melted at the sight of Lola's small, cancer-stricken body looking lost and so very fragile against the colourful cushions. Gently, she sunk into the pile beside her young friend, opening the book to the first page and resting it against her thigh so that she could turn the pages one-handed. The other arm, she raised, creating a space for Lola to snuggle against her, the child silently accepting the invitation as soon as it was presented. The two of them relaxed, as best they could, into the welcoming embrace of the cushions as Abbie began to read, keeping her voice soft and soothing.

Kate watched the scene from the doorway, seeing how tenderly Abbie took care of Lola and the genuine affection that there was between them. Conflicting emotions tore at her as she thought back to the conversation she had just shared with Lola's mother. The young girl had developed secondary tumours, despite the best efforts of the medics involved in her care. The prognosis wasn't hopeful. Kate's thoughts automatically turned to Erin, to how she herself had felt after being told her daughter only had limited time left to live. Silently stepping away from the quiet room where her lover was reading, Kate knew she needed to talk to Abbie later, to prepare her for what lay ahead, in order to spare the deeply caring brunette the pain of losing Lola unexpectedly. It would still hurt her, of course it would, but hopefully not as much as if she thought the girl was going to get better.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**11.04**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48**__**th**__** Street**_

Olivia paced up and down the lounge nervously as she waited for her call to be connected. The background sounds of Alex instructing the poor delivery men did nothing to calm her, even though she would have found it highly amusing at any other moment.

"_Hello?_" a woman's voice sounded in her ear, only adding to her tension.

"Gina, it's Olivia…" she trailed off, expecting the older woman to do as she had become accustomed to her doing, passing the receiver over to her husband without another word.

"_Olivia, hello. What…how are you?_" Gina managed, obviously feeling just as anxious as the brunette.

"I'm good, you know, getting there a little more each day. How are you?" Liv asked politely, eagerly taking the opportunity to build bridges with Sam's mother.

"_I'm much the same as you, learning to get by a little better every day. How's Alex?_" Gina enquired, no venom in her tone just a careful neutrality as though she was making an effort to accept Olivia was moving on but that it still pained her all the same.

"She's ok. She had to have her appendix removed on Thursday night so she's still in the early phases of that recovery but she's a trooper," the detective supplied, her own voice unintentionally softening as she spoke of the younger woman she adored every bit as much as she adored Sam.

"_Oh, I'm sorry to hear that,_" Gina cried, genuinely concerned as her motherly instinct took over. "_I remember Samia having appendicitis. The pain, watching her suffer with that was horrible. Did they catch it in time before it burst?_"

"They did thankfully, yes. She was allowed home again the following day. I stayed with her last night, to make sure she was alright but she's being a surprisingly good patient – unlike I was, I'm sure," Olivia mentioned self-deprecatingly.

"_The circumstances were somewhat different in your case, Olivia. Your wounds weren't just physical ones needing to heal,_" Gina advised gently, easing into the conversation the longer it went on. "_Wait…you said you stayed with her? Are you not still living at her apartment?_"

"No…I…actually that's why I was calling. I've moved into a new apartment of my own. I couldn't go back to my old one, it hurt too much to be in that space where I'd shared so much with Sam if I couldn't build a future there with her too. I'm having a small get together to christen the new place next Sunday and I was wondering…well hoping really, if you and Fausto would be willing to come?" Liv stuttered, tripping over a few of her words as an overwhelming fear of further rejection gripped her.

"_That sounds like a wonderful idea. I'm sure I can speak for my husband and say we'd both like to be there,_" Gina replied, heart pounding at the tone of her daughter-in-law's voice, knowing it had been her actions which had driven this wedge between them and determined to put it right. It had taken her time and a lot of deep, philosophical discussions with Fausto but Gina had come to the realisation that life was too short, too unpredictable not to cherish every second she was lucky enough to be granted. She still cared for Olivia as she had her daughter and wanted to deny herself of the brunette's company no longer.

"You would?" the detective squeaked, failing to mask her surprise at the easy acceptance.

"_We would. Olivia, I…I'm sorry…for how I reacted. I care for you and I shouldn't begrudge you any chance to find happiness, wherever that might be. I understand now that it doesn't mean you loved my Sami any less and I do know that she would want you to do exactly as you are doing. She would want this for you. If my daughter could give you her blessing with her last breath, who am I to deny you the right to go on living? I'm sorry that it took me so long to see._" Gina felt a swell of emotions rise up within her as Fausto approached, holding her tenderly to him from behind, having heard her words. He placed a proud kiss of approval against her cheek, acknowledging the strength it took for her to admit what she had.

"I'm sorry too, Gina. I'm sorry for so many things. I shouldn't have sprung it on you the way I did…I wasn't thinking rationally…" Olivia gushed, tears of happiness trickling down her cheeks as she reconnected with a woman who had come to be so much more of a mother to her than her own biological one had ever been.

"_Of course you weren't, dear girl, you were grieving and falling in love again at the same time. How could anyone have expected you to manage rational thought? I'm surprised you didn't have a complete breakdown with the stress and strain you were under. Sami was right about how strong you are, she always said you would withstand even the fiercest storm. You are a very special woman, Olivia Benson. My Sami was lucky to have such a wonderful relationship with you and now Alex is too,_" Gina persisted warmly, all traces of tension gone from her voice and her body. "_Now, what are you doing for catering for this party?_" For the matriarch, food was her greatest gift and her favourite way to show someone she cared for them.

For a moment, Liv was thrown by the non-sequitur, still reeling from the heartfelt defence Gina had presented in her favour. "Umm I'd not really thought about it, to be honest. I suppose I was imagining a few finger foods and snacks, nothing elaborate. My new apartment doesn't really warrant anything lavish!" she claimed with a sweeping glance around the place, eyes landing on Alex hovering in the doorway watching her with interest. With a flick of her wrist, she beckoned the attorney closer, walking towards her and meeting her halfway across the lounge. Alex settled into Olivia's one-armed embrace, happily nestling against her, her ever present pillow between them to prevent any uncomfortable pressure being placed on her surgical scars.

"_Nonsense. I'll help you prepare some foods if you like? I can come over early on Sunday and we can cook up a storm together in your kitchen. If we're going to celebrate your new home, we need to give it a proper workout, don't you think?_" Gina continued without waiting for a reply, "_perhaps Alex would be available to join us too? I'd enjoy teaching her how to use a kitchen without needing the fire service's assistance._"

Olivia released a peel of genuine laughter, delighting in hearing Gina chortle along with her. "Alex is here with me right now, let me ask her," Liv advised before turning her attention to the blonde cuddled in beside her, now looking at her quizzically. "Gina has offered to help with the catering for the housewarming next Sunday."

"That's fantastic," Alex erupted with a wide beaming smile and a tiny excited bounce on the spot, ceasing as her side reminded her not to get too giddy.

"She also wants to know if you're available next Sunday morning for a cooking lesson?" the brunette added, her own smile broadening at her lover's spontaneous response.

"If Gina's feeling brave enough to try to teach me how to cook, I'm sure I can do everything in my power to be available," the attorney replied, recognising the offer for the olive branch that it was and willingly grasping it with both hands. "Although I do think it would only be fair that we phone ahead and pre-warn the fire service," she added sardonically.

"Did you catch that, Gina?" Liv asked into the phone.

"_I did and you tell Alex there'll be no need for her to trouble to fire service again once I've finished with her,_" Gina answered. "_Thank you, Olivia, for inviting us and for indulging this old woman to be let loose in your kitchen. I'm looking forward to next Sunday very much._"

"Me too, Gina. I've missed you," the detective informed the older woman sincerely. Her words were not meant to inspire guilt but merely a statement of fact. Olivia had very much missed the matriarch's calm, caring presence since their estrangement, and was desperately glad it now seemed to be coming to an end.

"_I've missed you too, darling child, so very, very much. Next week, we can begin making up for lost time,_" Gina promised warmly.

"Sounds good to me. I'll speak to you during the week and we can arrange what time we'll be seeing you and what grocery shopping I need to do before then," Liv announced before they said their goodbyes and disconnected the call.

"Well that sounds like it went well," Alex mentioned, pressing a kiss to Olivia's cheek which was slightly flushed from the exhilaration of the conversation.

"Better than I could ever have dreamt it would," Liv agreed, tossing her phone onto couch and turning to offer Alex a long, tender hug. When she finally withdrew a little, the brunette asked, "did you wear the delivery guys into submission and get them to assemble the bed for you?"

"There was no wearing down needed," Alex informed her. "I merely suggested that I would write to the managing director of their company to point out some glaringly erroneous and misleading statements in their customer care policy, which clearly stated that delivery charges included the purchased furniture being installed in the room of the customers' choice. Installed does not mean that the boxes are brought in and merely deposited in that room. It means that when delivery is complete, the product will be ready for use."

Olivia groaned. "Remind me to check all the screws and bolts are secure before you try lying on it, ok?" She hated to think of how grudgingly the bed would have been assembled and wouldn't put it past the men to have done a half-hearted, slapdash job simply to appease the nagging blonde and get the hell out of Dodge.

"No need, I had the heavier of the two test it before they left to make sure there was no issue with the construction of it. It stood up to his weight just fine so I'm fairly certain it can handle our combined body mass without concern," Alex assured dismissively.

"Oh really? So you're imagining us sharing that bed already, are you?" Olivia teased coyly.

"There are many places I've imagined being with you," Alex retorted, waggling her eyebrows for good measure.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**11.37**_

_**Ivy Martin Centre, Midtown**_

Abbie was growing increasingly concerned by the lacklustre responses she was getting from Lola. They had moved on from reading after the first half hour when the girl's attention had obviously started to wander. The brunette had tried to interest in her completing her collage with little success and had only managed to persuade her to join the cookie decorating group on the proviso that she could sit on Abbie's knee.

"That's a pretty cookie, honey," the Texan cooed gently as she watched the child in her lap struggle to find the coordination to place the small chewy sweet she was holding onto the blob of icing Abbie had positioned for her to make an eye for her confectionary creature.

"S'my Velveteen Rabbit," Lola whispered tiredly, flopping back against Abbie's body as she finally managed to steady her hand well enough to place the gummy sweet onto her cookie.

"It's beautiful," Abbie assured, running a hand over the little girl's brow, her own furrowed with concern. She was worried, very worried, by the marked deterioration in Lola since her mother had dropped her off. Part of her hoped that the woman would arrive back soon so that the child could be taken to see her doctor but there was also a part which was reluctant to let go too, suspecting that this would be the last visit Lola would be well enough to make to the centre. It seemed clear that her body was giving up the fight against the disease within her, that the cancer was winning this battle just as it had won Erin's war too. "Are you tired, sweetie? Would you like me to take you for a lie down?" the Texan offered, trying to shake off her melancholic thoughts.

"Yes please," Lola admitted, squirming out of Abbie's lap to allow her to stand. Abbie knew then how ill Lola must be feeling. There had been other times she had asked her the same question only to receive a firm and determined 'no' in response, no matter how exhausted she was. Abbie pushed the small chair back from the low table, unfolding her long legs and hauling herself to her feet.

"You guys be good for a couple of minutes, ok?" she requested of the remainder of her small gathered group. "Jay, keep an eye on the littlies for me, would you?" Abbie asked the eldest, a boy of ten who had had to have numerous skin grafts for skin cancer.

"Sure will, Miss Abbie," he agreed readily, eyeing Lola sympathetically. Unfortunately, seeing other kids going downhill was a fairly common occurrence for those who frequented the centre.

Abbie returned her attention to Lola, who was leaning heavily against the tall brunette's leg – or at least as heavily as her dainty frame would allow her to. "Want me to give you a ride?" she asked Lola who just raised her arms in a silent request to be carried on Abbie's hip. Squatting down slightly, Abbie hoisted the tiny child into her arms, pressing a quick kiss against her forehead as Lola nestled beneath her chin.

"I'm tired of being sick, Miss Abbie, but it's ok, I don't think it'll be long now," Lola murmured as Abbie carried her through the corridors towards the nurse's room. A lump rose in Abbie's throat at the resignation in the little girl, silently agreeing with the sentiment and offering a prayer up that someone would watch over Lola. "Make sure Mama knows I love her, Miss Abbie, please?"

"Honey, your mom will be here very soon and you can tell her yourself but I'm sure she already does know how much you love her. You know she loves you very, very much, don't you?" Abbie assured as she lay the fading girl down on the cot in the quiet room, the nurse hovering at her back, awaiting an explanation and a chance to examine the child brought to her. Lola's eyes rolled back into her head as her body went rigid. Muscles spasmed jerkily, throwing the girl's thin frame around uncontrollably on the bed. A hand on her arm guided Abbie away from the bed, letting the nurse in to work on the patient.

"Lola's very sick, Abbie. Her mom spoke to us this morning before she left. The cancer has spread, she has secondary tumours in her liver, her lungs and her brain. Apparently, she's been having intermittent seizures like this for the last week, they think it's because the tumour is growing so rapidly, so aggressively." Kate's voice was soft, warm, sincerely sympathetic as the older woman held Abbie back. The Texan had been struck mute by the suffering of her young friend, her face fixed in a mask of horrified distress.

"Kate, could you call for a bus," the nurse requested firmly, spurring Abbie into action.

"I'll do it," she announced, pulling out her cell phone and dialling without ever taking her eyes off the upsetting scene before her.

"I really do think Kate should be the one to speak to them, Abbie," the nurse reiterated as Lola's body slumped lifelessly to the bed. "Her pupils are unresponsive, I can't get a pulse. She's not coming back from this one."

Abbie almost dropped her cell as one hand flew to her mouth. Tears pricked at her eyes as she rushed forward, falling to her knees beside the bed. "She knew," she whispered brokenly. Twisting her head around, she looked up at Kate through watery eyes. "She told me to tell her Mom she loved her. She knew it was her time."

Kate ended the call to the emergency services, explaining the situation as best she could, having snatched Abbie's phone from her before it succumbed to the laws of gravity and toppled from her palm. She felt her own throat tense in the face of her lover's distress as the life of the young girl she had grown so attached to ebbed away. "They're on their way. We should call her mom," she murmured to no one in particular.

"No need…I'm here," Lola's mother whimpered from the doorway, dashing to her daughter's side. Abbie backed away, turning to the wall to hide her own despair as the sounds of grief filled the small room. Arms settled around her waist, tugging her out into the corridor to give the woman some privacy with her child. Abbie felt herself being guided into another room, heard the door being closed gently behind her.

"Let it go, Abbie," Kate advised, watching the tall, willowy brunette trying to reign in her emotions.

"I don't have a right to… I only knew her a few weeks," Abbie complained bitterly, snatching at her tears angrily.

"I've only known you for a few weeks too but I'd still cry if I lost you," Kate pointed out reasonably. "You forged a bond with her, of course you're allowed to be saddened by her death." The redhead tried to approach her lover but the younger woman shied away from any consolatory contact.

"I should get back, make sure the rest of the group are ok," the Texan advised tersely, determined not to breakdown, not there, not when she couldn't be sure she'd have the strength to put herself back together again. She wouldn't do that to Kate, who had lost so much more than her to this bastard disease.

"You did everything you could for her," Kate called after Abbie's retreating back, understanding the need to bottle it up and carry on.

"Did I?" Abbie questioned so quietly on she herself could hear. "Then why do I feel like I failed her."


	70. Chapter 70

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Wow, I log on and see we've hit 700 reviews! Blown away! Completely. Sincerely, thank you all who have taken that time and trouble to leave your thoughts. I have read and appreciated them all, even those where the opinions may differ from my own. Considering viewpoints beyond the limits of our own thinking is what helps us to grow. So this chapter is shorter than most and my original plan was to move on to the following day as well but then it might have become the longest chapter in living history...and there's only so much reading you can do in a day right! Besides, I hope you'll agree that where it ends is a pretty fun place to leave this one ;) You can blame/thank my sweet friend Sara from Twitter for this going online today - I teased her with what this chapter includes, she persuaded me to get it out to you without delay!**_

_**JusticeReader, I agree that ordinarily one wouldn't associate Abbie with being insecure or self-deprecating but then we've only ever seen her within her comfort zones until now...and the fact that she blamed herself for the sexual assault she was the victim of for so many years does suggest a tendency to internalise and assume responsibility for the actions and reactions of others. I'm not saying that's how she'll always be in this relationship or that it's right, just my view of her character at this point in the plot :) Thanks for reading and reviewing.**_

**_Sorry for making so many of you cry with Lola's demise :'( I had to speak long and hard with Muse about going down that route but she assures me there is a higher purpose to it so we shall see!_**

**_Onwards..._**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**11.55**_

_**Ivy Martin Centre, Midtown**_

Abbie strode back into the room where she had left the small group decorating cookies. She plastered on a small smile, hopeful that the children wouldn't notice it didn't reach her eyes. She sunk back into the chair she had previously occupied, looking around at the various faces who all seemed fixated on her. "How are you all getting on?" she asked, voice thick from her spontaneous bout of tears.

"We're good, Miss Abbie. Jay helped me put strawberry string on my cookie for hair," Ellie beamed, holding her creation up for the brunette to inspect, thin red strips of chewy gum hanging lankly down either side of the cookie 'face'.

"Wow, that's awesome. I hope you said thank you to Jay for helping you," Abbie cooed, trying to remain upbeat and interested despite her being hyperaware of Lola's absence.

"She did, Miss Abbie," Jay advised solemnly. "Is Lola ok?" he asked, astute eyes peering at her.

"She's umm…she's…" Abbie faltered, eyes dropping to the small table in front of her, falling directly onto the cookie the recently deceased child had been in the midst of decorating. Tears sprung unbidden once more and she blinked furiously, trying to keep them at bay in front of the children.

"Lola has gone to be with God," Kate's gentle voice informed the group from the doorway. "Abbie, Lola's mom would like a word with you."

Mechanically, the brunette rose from her seat, bringing the cookie with her. Another volunteer replaced her, talking quietly to the remaining children, making sure they were ok with the news about Lola, offering what comfort she could to those upset by the news. Abbie walked through the corridors on autopilot, guided by a gentle hand at her elbow, until she stood once again in the room beside that in which Lola's small body lay. This time, however, she and Kate were joined by another.

"Abbie, I can't thank you enough for the care you showed my daughter these last few weeks. You gave her a spark of life when we thought there was none to be found. She was so happy for the time she spent with you. You never denied her anything because she was ill, she loved you for that, for treating her like any other little girl," the grieving mother stated, sweeping Abbie up into a tight, firm embrace.

"She made this for you…this morning…" the Texan croaked, throat tight with unshed tears. "She was a remarkable little girl." She pulled away from Lola's mom, feeling her stoic facade beginning to crumble and not wanting to add to the woman's burden. "Excuse me…" she whispered, hurrying from the room.

Kate watched her go, torn between chasing after her lover and staying to make sure Lola's mother was alright.

"Take care of her, Kate. She has a good heart," the child's mom advised, effectively dismissing the redhead.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," Kate offered as she too fled from the room on swift feet, hoping she would be able to find her distraught partner.

"If you're looking for Miss Abbie, she just went in there," Jay piped up from a corner of the corridor, pointing to the ladies cloakroom, eyes wary.

"Thanks Jay. Go on back inside, sweetheart. Miss Abbie will be ok," Kate instructed, waiting until the boy had followed her directions before entering the cloakroom. The main room was empty, a few coats hanging from pegs and most of the lockers standing open and empty also. Kate pressed on, stepping forward into the toilet block part of the room, scanning the stalls for one which showed signs of being occupied. "Abbie?" she called softly.

"I just need a few minutes," the Texan replied, making no move to exit her self-imposed cell.

"It was sweet of you to give Lola's mom that cookie," Kate told her lover through the solid door separating them.

"It was her Velveteen Rabbit, she said," Abbie sniffled miserably. "It's stupid but I feel like Lola…and this place…is _my_ Velveteen Rabbit. This place, the people I've met here have made me appreciate what I have…what I could have… It's made me feel, properly feel things, maybe for the first time in my life…and right now I hate it. I'm not strong enough for this… I'm not like you," the brunette cried, unlocking the door and yanking it open, surprising Kate by bursting out and speeding past her.

"Abigail Carmichael, don't you dare run out on me again!" the redhead demanded, never raising her voice but pouring every ounce of insistence into her tone.

"I don't want to feel…not like this," Abbie cried, pounding her clenched fist against the solid wall, forehead falling forward to lean against the chipped paintwork.

Kate hurried across the room, coming to stand behind her distraught lover, reaching out and grasping her hunched shoulders, guiding her away from the wall and into her arms. The brunette was reluctant to be held, squirming and fighting to get away but Kate's grip was surprisingly strong and unrelenting. "You can't go through life not feeling anything for anyone. That's not a life, honey, it's an existence. You have so much more to offer yourself than that. You deserve more than that. Yes, feeling sometimes comes with terrible consequences to our hearts but those battle scars are tiny in comparison to the wonders you'll experience by opening yourself up to everything life has to offer. I know it doesn't feel that way right now…believe me, I know it…but in time, the pain will fade and the good times return to the forefront of your mind instead."

"She wasn't my child or anything, how can it hurt so much?" Abbie sobbed, finally giving up the physical fight and sinking into Kate's welcoming arms.

"Because you cared for her, sweetheart, and because she touched something in you that spoke to your heart. And that's not a bad thing, not at all," Kate explained patiently.

"How did you cope?" Abbie asked, eyes full of deep sorrow as she pulled back far enough to look into her lover's face. "If Lola's death is this painful after knowing her only a few weeks, how did you get through losing Erin?" Underlying the grief, there was another emotion beginning to show; a deep-seated respect for the emotional strength of the woman holding her.

"A day at a time…and by letting those around me remind me that life goes on, as hard as it may be some days to allow yourself to be a part of it. It's just something you have to find a way to do," Kate admitted, not willing to discuss how many days she had been unable to drag herself out of bed, how many nights had been lost in a blur of alcohol and tears in the months following Erin's death. Maybe one day, she would have that talk with Abbie, but at that moment, it was definitely not something she needed to hear. "Come and sit down, let me freshen your face up a bit for you."

Abbie followed numbly as she was manoeuvred onto the wooden bench in the centre of the room, watching with unseeing eyes as Kate bustled about, wetting paper towels. The older woman returned to her side, cupping her chin in the palm of one hand, inspecting the blotchy eyes and streaky makeup carefully before gently wiping away the worst of the damage. Her swipes were tender, her hold light as though scared she might break the fragile creature in her palm. Abbie's eyes followed her every move, haunted by her loss and awestruck by the care she was receiving in equal measure.

"You should hate me," the brunette murmured, voice laden with self-loathing.

"Why on earth would you think that?" Kate asked aghast, hands dropping into her lap as she perched on the bench beside Abbie, angled towards her so that their knees were pressed together.

"You lost your daughter and yet here I am, needing _you_ to console _me_ after the death of a girl I barely knew. That's just so…weak…so pathetic…so selfish," Abbie grumbled, internalising her pain and letting it morph into anger and disgust directed only at herself.

"I don't know what to say to make you believe me, Abbie, but that is just not true. It takes strength beyond measure to allow yourself to become attached to another person, especially when you know that there's a very good chance they won't live very long. It takes strength to offer comfort, friendship and normality to the kids who visit this centre and you've never done anything but that. You didn't _have_ to come here, you chose to – not because you wanted to look good or for some kind of salve for your conscience but because you wanted to make their lives a little better in some small way. And you have done that for them, for all of them, but particularly for Lola. You were her hero, you know. Even when you weren't here and she visited, she was always talking about you, telling anyone who would listen what you did with her, how you let her help you even when she was too little to get involved with the activities. Children are very astute judges of character, they don't take kindly to selfish people and they can spot them far more easily than we can as adults. Lola wouldn't have grown so attached to you if you hadn't given as much of yourself to her as you did and if you think that that makes you weak then you and I need to have a serious conversation about what it is you value in a person. Yes, I lost my daughter…and for a while I lost myself too following Erin's death," Kate admitted, hinting at the struggles she had faced to overcome her bereavement, "but that doesn't make what you're feeling right now any less valid. The only way I would consider you to be selfish is if these were crocodile tears, if you were crying for the attention to yourself and not for having had to say goodbye to a wonderful little girl. Since you're desperate to hide your pain from everyone, myself included, I know that that isn't the case. So tell me again, how are you being weak or pathetic or selfish by mourning Lola's passing? Dismissing it as nothing would be selfish. Withdrawing from everyone around you so as not to get hurt again would be weak. Going straight back in there, trying to keep things as normal as possible for the rest of the kids like you did, _that_ is a mark of real courage and caring."

Abbie dissolved into a fresh bout of tears, touched beyond words by the heartfelt support from her lover. "God Kate, I don't deserve…"

Her words were cut off by insistent fingers pressing firmly against her lips. "Don't you even think about saying you don't deserve me or us or any of this. You deserve every good thing coming to you and so much more, Abbie. So very much more. You're one of those rare people who truly don't see how amazingly special you are and, honey, if it's even possible, that makes you all the more precious to me. So no more talk like that, ok?" Kate pulled Abbie to her in a one-armed embrace, cradling her against her side and guiding the brunette's head down onto her broad shoulder. A cell phone rang in Kate's jeans pocket. With a grumbled apology, she pulled the device out, frowning as she realised it was in fact Abbie's phone and not her own. "It's yours, sweetheart," she murmured.

"Tell whoever it is to go to Hell," Abbie groaned, nestling deeper into Kate's neck, not yet ready to give up her cocoon of comfort.

"Hello?" the redhead said as she answered the call, taking pity on her lover and not forcing her to speak to anyone or deal with anything she didn't feel up to handling.

"_Abbie?_" a vaguely familiar voice asked from the other end.

"Abbie's not available at the moment, can I take a message for her?" Kate responded neutrally.

"_Kate? Is that you? It's Olivia. What's up with Abbie?_"

"Oh hi Olivia! Abbie's ok, we just…we lost one of the kids at the centre this morning, one that Abbie was close to…" Kate explained, feeling Abbie tremble beside her and wrap herself tighter around the redhead's generous frame.

"_Not that little girl, what was her name? We met her last week when we came by to invite you and Abbie for lunch,_" Olivia replied, wracking her brain for the child's name.

"Lola, yeah that's her," Kate confirmed.

"_Oh God, poor Abbie, that's awful…for all of you. How did you hear she'd died?_" Liv asked, thinking someone must have rung in and told them.

"She had a massive seizure at the centre. There'll probably have to be a PM to determine exact cause of death but she'd been diagnosed last week with secondary tumours in various parts of her body, including her brain. Unfortunately, it was just a matter of time before it happened. Abbie was with her," Kate detailed solemnly, wanting to end the call so that she could tend to her silently sobbing girlfriend.

"_I'm so sorry. Oh…well listen, take care of her and if you need anything, Alex and I are here for you both. I won't keep you,_" Olivia stated, genuine sympathy in her voice as her heart went out to her friend.

"It's ok, was there something you needed Abbie for?" Kate enquired, hoping there was something she could use to take the young brunette's mind off Lola's death with, even if only for a short while.

"_I was actually just ringing with an invite, for you both, to a housewarming at my new apartment next Sunday – a week tomorrow – but I'll ask again at a better time._" The detective waved Alex over, taking hold of her hand as she attempted to end the call, suddenly feeling a little clingy.

"There's no need for that, we'll be there," Kate assured, answering on behalf of them both, knowing that Abbie might be reluctant to agree to attending right now but in a week, she would feel differently. "Thank you, for inviting us," she continued, touched that Abbie's friends were so ready to accept her as part of the Texan's life.

"_You're welcome. I'll give Abbie a call in a few days to see how she's doing,_" Liv advised, bidding the newest member of their collective farewell and gathering Alex into her arms as she passed on the sad news.

"Please tell me you haven't just agreed to us seeing anyone tonight?" Abbie requested plaintively, wanting nothing more than to hide away from the world, at least until she had a better handle on her emotions again.

"I wouldn't do that to you, honey. No, I just agreed that we'd attend a housewarming at Olivia's new apartment next weekend," Kate replied, keeping her tone light, as though it was no big deal that they were being invited somewhere as a couple.

"Ok but if Stabler starts being a buttface again, I'm not promising to hold back," Abbie grumbled, grudgingly accepting the invitation.

"I wouldn't expect you to, sweetheart," Kate stated with a chuckle, wrapping both arms around her lover tightly and rubbing her back soothingly. "Let me take you home…to my place. I don't think either of us is really in any fit state to stay here today."

"That sounds good," Abbie murmured, making no move to leave the confines of Kate's embrace. She did, suddenly, raise her head from the redhead's shoulder though. "Tomorrow, for our date, let's do something fun, something Lola would approve of, like going ten-pin bowling or to the zoo or something."

"I haven't been to a zoo in over two years," Kate announced, startled by the revelation and loving Abbie's idea for honouring Lola's memory. "Let's do that. Let's go to Central Park zoo and watch monkey's pulling faces at us and sealions getting fed, see the snow leopard…"

Abbie silenced Kate with a gentle kiss. "Thank you," she whispered, her spirits lifting slightly in the face of her partner's easy enthusiasm.

"No, honey, thank _you_, for giving this plain old woman a reason to get excited about life again," Kate responded sincerely.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Saturday April 11<strong>__**th**__** 2009**_

_**14.14**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex sat on her couch, staring into the middle distance, thinking about everything and yet nothing in particular as she let her fingers run through her slumbering companion's chestnut hair over and over again. She had finally convinced the older woman to rest, coaxing her head down into her lap under assurances that she would wake Olivia if it became at all uncomfortable. Truth was, she felt more at peace than she had in a while. Having Liv there again, sharing her home, just felt…so right. Liv's presence _made_ the apartment a home and not just a place Alex slept in and occasionally ate meals in. Knowing that the detective had not slept particularly well the previous evening, between keeping an ear out for signs Alex needed her and knowing she needed to be at her apartment before ten that morning, Alex was determined that she would get her to take a little downtime somehow. She had begun her tender petting of the brunette's silky locks almost the instant Liv's head settled in her lap, the action soothing for them both and soon lulling Olivia into a deep, restful sleep. Alex too had dozed for a while, the morning's exertions telling on her, but all too soon she had awakened with a cramp in her calf muscle. Fortunately, she had managed to stretch it out without having to disturb her lover, who slept on through it all undisturbed. Sleep had proved impossible for Alex to recapture so she had sat, contentedly soothing her fingers through Liv's hair and just allowing her mind to wander at will. She had thought of Lola and the potential impact her death would have on Abbie. She thought of Kate and what she must have gone through losing her own daughter, Erin. She thought of Gina and how the older woman was making a concerted effort not just to build bridges with Olivia but to reach out to Alex, herself, too. She thought of the upcoming party and its potential pitfalls with the people they had invited all being confined to a relatively small space. She wondered about the wisdom of suggesting to Liv that Abbie and Kate stay over, thinking it would be nice to spend more time with them both as a couple but also considering that Abbie might need to make a quick getaway if Elliot's mouth engaged before his brain again. She thought of Bev's imminent move to New York, knowing that any day now, she would have to adapt once again to being a hands-on Godmother to Greg and an aunt to both him and Alison. That in turn led her to imagine herself as a mother, to really try to see herself with a family of her own. Never truly having been that much of a narcissist, she struggled to imagine what her biological offspring might look like, beyond hoping they didn't share those features she had been tormented over during her own youth. In principal, she couldn't say she disliked the idea of being responsible for the production and upbringing of a new life…but she also wasn't sure she liked it either. She knew her career would have to take a step backwards in her list of priorities if she were to become a mother and she still harboured ambitions she wanted to fulfil professionally. She worried that it would add an extra strain to her relationship with Olivia, which had already been tested so many times and faltered on more than one occasion. She allowed her vanity to voice concerns over the effect carrying a child would have on her body, a figure she had worked hard to achieve and wasn't sure she was ready to give up. And nagging away, at the back of it all, was her Aunt Helen's voice, reminding her that there was every likelihood that she would need to deliver via Caesarean section if she were to become pregnant, given the narrowness of her pelvis. Having just experienced minor abdominal surgery, nothing, right then, could persuade her that she would volunteer to go through a much more invasive procedure, no matter what the end product. But even as she admitted that, images of herself and Olivia in a long, distant future sprung into her mind; walking along a beach, a dog trailing in their wake as they paddled in the surf at the edge of the ocean, a small child swinging from their arms between them; watching school plays and graduation ceremonies, beaming proudly as a faceless child took their bow; Christmas morning, unwrapping presents, the air filled with the gleeful sound of a child's laughter. The conflict raged on and on in her mind, swinging back and forth between yearning for a complete, whole, loving family with the woman asleep on her knee and being content with what they already shared, what they could have if they remained as they were, without the involvement of any others to their union.

Her cell phone startled her out of her reverie, its ringer loud in the silent apartment. She snatched it up from the side table, hoping to catch it before it disturbed Olivia but she might have known that was impossible. Her cop instinct kicked in, jerking her to alertness as soon as the second ring sounded.

"Cabot," Alex said, her tone sharp and crisp, much like when she received calls at work.

"_Hey Allie, get used to this number 'cause it's going to be dialling you frequently from now on!_" a voice exclaimed on the other end of the line. "_And I expect you to use it often and wisely too,_" the woman continued with a brief spurt of laughter.

"Bev? You're here? You've moved?" Alex cried gleefully, shooting an apologetic glance Olivia's way as the brunette hauled herself upright, rubbing tired eyes and attempting to wake up properly.

"_We have, your peace is over. Give us a few days to get settled in and then you'll have to come over for dinner one evening. Bring Olivia with you too if you can both make it,_" Beverly invited excitedly.

"I'd love to…but I might have to take a rain check for this week. I umm… I had to have a bit of an operation last week so I'm still recovering…and it's not that I don't want to see you and the kids and your new house but I'd like to healed enough that it won't matter if Greg gets a bit overexcited," Alex replied, stutteringly, no wanting to alarm her friend but wanting her to know that it most definitely wasn't a rejection of her offer.

"_What did you have done?_" Bev asked, sobering instantly, wondering if there were more complications with Alex's shoulder.

"I had to have my appendix removed. It ruined a perfectly lovely date with Olivia, which I'm possibly more sour about than having had to spend a night in hospital again. The only thing that made it bearable was Liv being by my bedside the entire night…and she's been with me the whole time since too," Alex informed the caring woman, resting her palm flat against Olivia's closest thigh and glancing her way with a warm smile.

"_Your appendix? You call that a bit of an operation? Honey, having an ingrowing toenail treated is a 'bit of an operation'. Having a wart removed is a 'bit of an operation'. Having a surgeon slice you open and cut out part of your intestines is a little more than a bit of an operation! Of course you won't be coming over, not for at least another week, maybe two. When did you say you had it done again?_" Bev's voice fired rapidly down the phone, amusing and exasperating Alex.

"Relax, Bev, I'm fine. I had the operation late Thursday night, spent half of yesterday in hospital but then was allowed home in the afternoon. I'm being a responsible patient, taking Advil when I need it and being careful not to do too much…and I do have an incredible woman nursing me better," Alex stated, sidling closer to Olivia and gently squirming around until she found a position where she could lean her head on the older woman's shoulder.

"_And you mentioned a date – is she treating you properly now? Or do I need to have words with her about recognising how lucky she is you're still giving her the time of day?_" Bev asked protectively.

"Olivia has been wonderful. We're great and I'm happier than I could ever have imagined being," Alex sighed contentedly, almost purring when she felt soft lips press briefly against her temple.

"_Hmmm, I'll ask again when she's not with you,_" Bev huffed, clearly not convinced.

"You can ask me as many times as you like, in front of whomever you like, my answer won't change. I love Liv. I'm in love with her and I am completely confident that the feeling is entirely mutual and reciprocated." Alex made and kept eye contact with her partner as she spoke, letting the truth of her words be reflected in her expression, beaming when Olivia mouthed confirmation that it was indeed mutual.

"_We'll see,_" was all Bev would commit to. "_Well, I won't keep you but I do expect a phone call soon to rearrange a time when you're free to come over, once you know when that's likely to be._"

"I will, I promise. As soon as I feel fit enough to cope with your boisterous son, I'll be round before you can stop me," the attorney assured her friend warmly, sliding her hand inwards and higher up her lover's thigh, almost hugging it around its widest point.

Olivia beckoned to Alex, silently requesting the cell. With trepidation, Alex handed it over. "Bev, it's Olivia. I understand you wanting to protect Alex and I can only reassure you that I have no intention of leaving her, or hurting her, again. It's taken me a while and I've made a lot of mistakes but Alex is it for me. She's the one I want to grow old with, if she'll put up with me that long. Anyway, you don't want to listen to me rambling, but I was wondering if you'd care to join myself and Alex at my new apartment on Sunday evening? Bring the kids along if childcare's an issue, it won't be raucous or go on too late. My work colleagues will be there along with a few other friends and Sam's parents. I'd like it if you came and I'm sure Alex would appreciate you being there too." Alex's expression softened to one of wondrous love as she listened to the older woman extending the invitation to someone she barely knew, simply because of what Bev meant to Alex.

"_I'll speak to Tony but I'd like to come for a short while at least. Thank you, Olivia…for the invitation and for understanding that I just want what's best for Alex. If you're that, I'll do nothing to stand in your way but I will bring a world of hurt down on you if you so much as think about hurting her like you did again,_" Bev reminded the brunette.

"I know," Liv responded evenly, "but you'd have to get in line and I'd be the first one kicking my own ass. I'll get Alex to send you the address on this fancy thing she calls a cell phone. If you can make it, even for a short while, that'd be great. If not, we'll arrange another evening in the not too distant future when I'm not on call for you, Tony and the kids to come round for dinner." The women ended the call, Liv passing the cell back to Alex, who clicked a few buttons and sent the address of Liv's apartment to Bev's own phone.

The blonde tossed the device aside, her attention fixed solely on her lover. "Thank you, for inviting them on Sunday," she murmured, leaning in close and demanding a kiss. When they broke apart, she asked, "do you feel better for your nap?"

"Yeah…actually, I really do," Liv replied, sounding surprised by the revelation.

"I think I made a mess of your hair," Alex confessed, secretly adoring the serious case of bed-hair the brunette was sporting thanks to the motion of Alex's deft fingers running through it continuously while she slept.

"Is that so? And what do you propose to do about fixing it, Counsellor?" Olivia asked, tone dipping dangerously low.

"Umm…well…I was wondering…if you'd give me a hand in the shower? I don't think I can stand unaided long enough by myself, not after being on the go so much earlier, and I'd just really like to get clean. I thought maybe, if you help me, I could wash your hair for you?" As she spoke, Alex toyed with the hem of the shirt Olivia had changed into a her apartment, having decided that Alex's sweater was a little too snug as to be comfortable.

"So long as you think you can keep your hands in neutral zones, that sounds like a lovely proposition," Olivia agreed, body automatically reacting to the mere thought of being in close confines with a naked, wet, slippery Alexandra Cabot.

Alex pulled herself gingerly off the couch, looking down at her lover with a mischievous glint in her eye. "As far as I'm aware, there's only one of us who's physically out of commission. So long as we're careful and I'm not too enthusiastic, there's no reason we _both_ have to be frustrated for the next two weeks," she husked, sauntering towards the master bedroom with as much sway as she dared add to her hips. She glanced back as she was about to round the corner, amused to see a shell-shocked Olivia still stationary on the couch. "Well, Detective Benson, do you want to come?"

For long moments, the brunette was too surprised to move, wondering if she had slipped into some parallel universe. Realising that her inaction might seem like a rejection, Olivia shot off the sofa with a frustrated groan, hurrying after Alex's sashaying form. Clothes littered the path the attorney had trod, Alex deciding to speed up the process by shedding every garment she could along the way. By the time Liv made it to the bedroom, Alex was already in the en suite bathroom with the shower running. The brunette begun the task of removing her own clothes, hands shaking and causing her to fumble.

"Relax Liv, you don't have to do this if you're not comfortable with it," Alex assured her gently, reaching out and helping Olivia out of her shirt.

"I do…I'm just…you make me nervous," the brunette confessed, though she showed no signs of backing out.

"Don't be, you've no reason to be nervous, about anything," Alex murmured lovingly, cupping Liv's cheek and offering her a soft smile of support.

As Liv pulled the tank she wore beneath it over her head, Alex turned her attention to the leather belt around the waist of the detective's jeans, unsnapping the buckle and slowly sliding the zipper down. The denim pooled around Olivia's feet. Alex stepped back to give Olivia room to kick the discarded jeans aside, her mouth going dry as the athletic brunette shoved her black boy shorts off her legs with only the slightest hesitation.

"God you're stunning," Alex breathed reverently, openly appreciating the slopes and contours of Olivia's sturdy frame for the first time. She extended both hands, grasping Liv's own in her clammy palms and walking backwards towards the shower cubicle, tugging Olivia along with her.

"What are we doing?" Liv whispered, fearful of where they were headed, of losing control and hurting Alex unintentionally.

"We're taking a shower…together…and you're not going to leave this shower without being completely…refreshed," the younger woman purred, losing herself under the spray.

"Al, I appreciate the sentiment but we can't do…anything sexual," she protested even as her body flushed with desire in the face of the blonde's nude form with water cascading over it.

"Wrong, Liv. _I_ might not be able to have energetic sex for the next fortnight but _you_ are perfectly physically capable of achieving satisfaction." Alex reached for her soap, bracing herself against the corner of the shower cubicle so she could watch Liv's reaction as she began lathering up her body.

"Alex…" the brunette growled, pupils expanding to swallow the brown almost completely. Her body was practically humming with arousal, muscles taut as she forced herself to refrain from adding her own hands to those roaming over Alex's taut, firm skin.

"Get in here and touch yourself," Alex ordered huskily. "I want to watch you. Touch yourself like you wish you could touch me right now."

"No…" Liv whispered, moving forward in spite of herself. "I want our first time to be mutual, not me getting all the enjoyment out of it."

Alex trailed one hand lower, running it over her abdomen, being sure to steer well clear of her surgery site, before dipping into the cleft between her legs and dragging her fingers through the pooled liquid there. Stepping out of the shower's cascade, Alex withdrew her hand, holding it up for Liv's inspection. "Does that look like I'm not already enjoying myself?" she asked, gasping as Olivia captured her wrist and drew the soaked digits towards her mouth. She had to steady herself against the wall, knees threatening to buckle as a warm tongue wrapped itself around her fingertips, cleansing them of her juices.

"Do you have any idea how evil you are? How much I want you? How frustrating it is not being able to have you?" Olivia complained, the taste of Alex lingering on her tongue and making her craving ever stronger.

"So take the edge off," Alex suggested, turning the tables by gently gripping the older woman's wrist and guiding her hand down her own body, to cup her own centre. "Touch yourself…for me," Alex husked. "Let me watch you come undone, thinking of me, of my hands being where yours are." She gave a slight squeeze of encouragement, putting pressure against Olivia's sensitive clit and drawing a sharp gasp of pleasure from the brunette. She watched in fascination as the walls came down, the reservations fading away as hungry eyes locked. "Do it, Liv, please," Alex begged, moving back again to prop herself into the corner, lest her legs give out on her.

Olivia pushed through her saturated outer lips, fingers splaying as they made contact with the sensitive inner flesh, already engorged with blood, testament to her heightened desire. Her other hand drifted to her breast, toying with a nipple which was rapidly coming to a stiff peak. Her thumb and forefinger twisted, pinched and rolled the solid nub, sending additional jolts of arousal through her body, each settling where her other hand was playing between her legs. She dragged her fingertips around her clit in lazy fashion, struggling to keep her eyes open but wanting nothing more than to watch Alex watching her as she masturbated. Her fight for control was lost as the water combined with her own lubrication, causing her fingers to slip and skitter directly across the top of her hooded bundle of nerves. Her hips thrust forward, sending her fingers backwards towards her fluttering opening, skimming over it but not quite entering. She couldn't contain the whimper which was ripped from her, speeding up her ministrations as Alex's own moan of approval reached her ears.

"You're so beautiful, Liv. So incredibly sensual." Alex's rich alto tones washed over Olivia, easily audible despite the constant pounding of the cascading water.

Olivia milked her clitoris between her thumb and forefinger, matching the action on her breast. Her eyes fluttered shut, hand leaving her breast to brace against the wall as the reactions within her grew stronger. She continued to massage her clit, panting heavily and leaning forward slightly as her release drew ever nearer.

Alex snaked one hand across the wall, reaching out for her lover's own, wanting some kind of physical connection with her as she climaxed. Their skin touched. Liv jolted upright, eyes flying open and locking onto the gorgeous blonde. With a final firm swipe of her fingers, wave after wave of euphoria flowed through Olivia body, curling her toes and generating a throaty wordless cry.

"Fuck…" Alex breathed, knowing without touching any part of herself that she too was on the brink, purely from watching the uninhibited display of lust. Subconsciously, she clenched her thighs tightly together, unintentionally triggering a short but intense orgasm of her own. Her mind was clouded with the aftermath of her own desire but through it, she could recognise the exertion was telling on her still ailing body. "Fuck," she ground out again, this time in pure frustration.

"Alex?" Liv croaked, coming round from her own post-orgasmic haze quickly in the face of her lover's distress.

"I'm sorry…I need…could you…help me rinse off? I need to sit down," the younger woman confessed, bitterly disappointed in her lack of stamina.

"Hey…don't you dare apologise. Come here," Liv ordered gently, stepping closer to her lover, trying to shake off the remnants of her climax in order to attend to Alex's needs. "Turn around," she requested when Alex complied with her previous direction. "Lean against me, use my body for support. I'll help hold you up 'til we get all that soap off you."

"Not quite how I saw this scenario ending," Alex admitted sadly.

"It doesn't matter, sweetheart. We have plenty of time ahead of us to continue this when we're both fully fit and able to participate," Liv murmured into Alex's ear, steadying the attorney against her with a hand at her hip, making sure to stay away from the healing scars. The other hand, she soothed over Alex's hair, working as much water as she could out of the platinum locks.

Between them, they managed to rinse the soap off Alex's body without further incident, the blonde leaning more heavily against Olivia the longer she had to stand, though neither woman objected to the contact. Olivia supported Alex to walk out of the shower on shaking legs. Flipping the lid of the toilet down, she draped a towel over it and guided the exhausted blonde onto the makeshift seat. Grabbing a large bath sheet, she wrapped Alex up, making sure she was warm enough and ok before hopping back in the shower and hurriedly cleansing her own body of the remnants of her activities.

"Come on honey, let's get you next-door and into bed for a while," Liv coaxed, seeing Alex's eyes closed when she was done in the shower.

Tired eyes opened, blearily blinking at her. "Will you stay with me?" Alex asked quietly, bundling up another towel to clutch to her side for support as she stood up.

"I will, just as soon as I've fetched you some more Advil," Olivia replied, tone making it clear that saying no was not an option.

"That'd be good, thanks," Alex admitted, grateful to be steadier on her feet again, even as felt she wanted to sleep for a week. "I may be paying for it now…but I don't regret that," she announced with a small cheeky smile.

"Just for the record, Counsellor, neither do I," Liv assured with a slow wink.


	71. Chapter 71

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Re-uploaded due to an issue with the dates being incorrect.**_

_**Hey all, this is an update in lieu of one over the weekend - early update tradeoff for a possible longer wait for the next one (but only til midweek mind, not a hugely long time, I hope) - since I now have to spend much of my weekend in the office. Yeah, thanks stupid IT system for messing up our staff's wages, really kind of you that was! Grrr, technology! Anyway, thanks for all your reviews and comments on the last chapter. Dee Hensley - sorry to hear you lost a student and in such sudden, tragic circumstances too. Glad Abbie's reaction felt in keeping for you. Tuesboomer - the emotional growth and re-readable scenes may be set to continue below... :) JRBenson - take note, there may be another scene ahead for you to add to that list, maybe, not guaranteeing you'll want to re-read it ;) Lol. **_

_**Melizzy511 - welcome and thanks for taking the time to add your critique. Yes the story is a bit wordy, Muse and the characters appear to have a lot to say for themselves and while people are willing to read this and while writing it isn't boring me to tears, I'm happy to let them have at it to their heart's content! Maybe it's just me, but that's my personal writing style. And while having a clear plan of what will happen at what point in a story might work for you and some writers, for others that actually stifles their creativity - I know, I've tried it and it induced me to hang up my pen/keyboard for many years because I just found it too frustrating and limiting. I have a general direction I'm heading in but how it gets to that point will determine itself as I come to write. When I've used barked etc, it's because I've meant precisely that - believe me, I do use a thesaurus pretty regularly and select the words I use with a direct purpose. Perhaps the repetition comes from there being quite so many words per chapter! And I prefer to avoid bland words such as 'said' because it is merely an action with no emotion attached to it, no direction with which to engage a reader's imagination. For me, 'said' is right up there with 'nice' as a word to be underused wherever possible. Perhaps it is a cultural/linguistic difference but on this side of the pond, referring to someone as lanky, spindly or rangy is generally not regarded as being very flattering! Lol. With regards to your encouragement to 'reign the story in', I appreciate where you're coming from but I do believe that to rush the ending purely because the tale is long would be to undermine and devalue the slow build up which has gone before. There will come a time when it is appropriate to increase the pace of the action but that will be at a suitable point in the plot as a deliberate tool to generate a response in those reading. I'm not continuing this because of adoration - if I got not a single review or remark, I'd still write it because I am enjoying getting to know the characters and sharing in their lives. The Liv/Alex 'first time' thing - again, there is a reason why I'm having both characters disregard that as a genuine first time for them and that's simply because they were both mostly clothed at the time. If one of them had been male and they'd engaged in the same sort of activity, I wouldn't necessarily show characters considering that a first time either. Less of a consistency thing and more of a technicality I guess. And lastly, I don't worry about reviews but I do enjoy and encourage dialogue and discourse, whether that be an expression of mutual enjoyment or a healthy debate, it's all good. (The 7 days not getting wet post-op thing, I defer to your experience with that, never having had to have the operation myself and did research it but there's a whole lot of conflicting advice out there on various reputable medical websites - not Wikipedia! lol)**_

_**Anyway, I'd better get a wriggle on. I need to get changed and head off to a fundraising quiz night for my singing group (I'm playing photographer and selling raffle tickets, my brain's too fried to be answering cryptic questions!)**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 12th 2009<strong>_

_**07.13**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Olivia woke bright and early, feeling better rested than she had in a while. Alex had insisted on them sharing her bed, valiantly attempting to persuade Liv that sleeping naked was a wise idea. While she had agreed to the former, she had had to disappoint Alex by insisting on keeping at least her panties and tank on, knowing neither of them could afford a repeat of earlier without risking a serious setback in Alex's recovery. Her body, it appeared, had ideas of its own, committing mutiny as she slept. One palm rested neatly over Alex's closest breast, beneath the soft, baby-blue t-shirt the attorney had reluctantly thrown on. Despite the decidedly sexual overtone, the contact simply felt divinely comforting to Olivia. She pressed her lips to the curve of Alex's shoulder, reluctantly withdrawing her hand from its resting place.

"Don't feel the need to move on my account," Alex husked sleepily, sucking in a deep breath and releasing it on a cleansing sigh. She was delighted to feel no ill effects from her unintentional orgasm in the shower yesterday and even more overjoyed to find Olivia still in bed beside her. Despite the early hour, she found that she didn't mind being awake, unlike most mornings.

"I should…" Liv protested. "It's selfish of me to touch you like that when I can't give you everything I would if you were well."

"Why not be selfish? You rarely ever are, so why not indulge yourself now, seeing as I'm not objecting? Don't you like where your hand was?" Alex asked teasingly, knowing full well that the answer would be a resounding yes. Given that assumption, she ploughed on, "Liv yesterday, in the shower…was amazing. And I know we can't engage in the kind of relations both of us wish we could right now but there is nothing wrong with you being able to enjoy an active sex life."

"I'd hardly call what I did in front of you yesterday 'an active sex life', Alex," Liv insisted, trying to ignore the flutter of arousal in her core as a fresh wave of memories assaulted her.

"Whether it counts or not, that wasn't actually my point," Alex argued, shifting slightly as she tried to seek out the older woman's gaze. "My lower body may be impaired but, as Abbie pointed out, there's nothing wrong with my tongue!"

"Alex!" Liv cried, blushing at the insinuation. "I am not taking advantage of you by using your recovery period to have you… service me, especially when you're getting nothing in return."

"I wouldn't call getting to taste you nothing, would you? I want to bring you pleasure. I want to make you cum…and I don't want to wait another two weeks until a doctor tells me my gut has stitched itself back together sufficiently before I'm allowed to touch you. I can handle a little sexual frustration a while longer…if I know I can give you the release I'm craving to give you." Alex saw a remaining reticence in her lover's eyes which made her backtrack a little. "Don't you…If you don't want me to…use my mouth on you…or if I'm jumping the gun and you're not ready…"

Her words were cut off by a forceful kiss from the brunette. Liv's tongue lapped insistently at her lips, demanding entrance to her mouth and firmly massaging Alex's own tongue as soon as the attorney yielded. Tiny whimpers of approval escaped from the back of Alex's throat, spurring Olivia on. Her hand returned to Alex's breast, palming and kneading it enthusiastically, groaning in appreciation herself as the nipple hardened almost instantly.

Tearing her mouth away from Alex's, she whispered, "I want you so much."

"I want you too," Alex gasped, senses almost on overload. "Please Liv…let me taste you." She knew if she let Liv touch her any longer, she would lose the battle against herself, consequences be damned, and take everything the older woman was willing to do to her in the heat of the moment.

"God Alex, you have no idea how much I want that…" Liv began, looking down at her partner who was staring back at her with sultry, heavy-lidded eyes.

"You want it, I want it, so what's stopping you?" Alex nudged, her hand closest to Olivia trailing down the brunette's side and dipping beneath the elastic of her boy-shorts. Seeing that she was breaking down the detective's resolve, Alex purred, "ditch these and get up here. If it makes you feel better about it, you can rest assured I'll expect payback when I'm fully healed."

Olivia rolled over onto her back as her resolve broke, wriggling out of her underwear and kicking them to the floor. She turned onto her knees, watching Alex squirm her way further down the bed to allow the curvaceous brunette room to straddle her head comfortably. Alex's hand reached out to her, caressing the outside of her thigh, coaxing her closer and driving her arousal ever higher.

"I'll look forward to the day I can return this favour," Liv growled, voice dropping to its lowest register and rumbling sensually through Alex's body.

"Oh believe me, Olivia, this is not a favour. This is a pleasure I'm sure we'll both enjoy," Alex hummed, continuing to guide her lover towards her with soft strokes to her quivering thighs.

Liv braced herself against the wall at the head of Alex's bed, steadying herself as she threw one leg over the prone blonde's body. As she came to settle astride the attorney's head, the detective felt warm palms slide around her body, cupping her clenched buttocks and applying firm pressure to bring her closer to where Alex wanted her…and where she herself desperately wanted to be. She moved at Alex's silent bidding, lowering her core until it was within easy reach of the younger woman's talented mouth, a mouth which took no time in beginning her exploration of already saturated folds. The very tip of Alex's tongue trailed along the smooth shaven flesh, tasting Olivia's essence for the first time. Both women released a satisfied hum of approval, Liv's deepening to a guttural moan as the vibrations from Alex's voice heightened the sensations along her lower lips.

"Alex…" the brunette murmured reverently, trying desperately to allow the younger woman to set the pace, to explore as she wished to and not to grind down against Alex's mouth to deepen the contact.

The sound of her name being spoken to tenderly, so adoringly, sparked a fire within the attorney, a burning need to pleasure the woman who was opening herself so willingly to her. She pushed her tongue further into the cleft between Liv's drenched folds, dragging it up towards the hidden bundle of nerves she had watched the older woman milk for all it was worth the previous day. As she found it, nestled beneath its hood, though already infused with blood and growing steadily more aroused, she lashed it feverishly with her tongue. The change in pace and pressure earned her another guttural cry from her lover, whose hips thrust forward automatically. Alex drew a lazy zig-zag pattern back down Liv's slit, away from the sensitive nub, before circling her opening. She was very aware of the brunette's body, of the tell-tale twitches in the muscles beneath her palms which indicated Olivia's remaining reservations about being penetrated again after their last attempt had proved so painful for her. Not wanting this session to end prematurely, Alex circled it one last time and then dragged the flat of her tongue languidly up Olivia's length, coating herself with the natural lubricant the brunette was producing and drinking it in greedily. Its taste exploded on her tongue, sweet and spicy yet tangy and sharp, a complex blend of flavours which combined to suit Olivia very well.

Liv let her head fall forward, arms braced against the headboard as her forehead came to rest against the plain wall. She seriously began to wonder if she was dreaming. Surely nothing real could feel this divine? Though Sam had been an enthusiastic and talented giver of oral pleasure, something about Alex's mouth feasting on her was exciting her more than she could ever remember having been during such an encounter. As supple lips closed around her clit, Olivia felt her hips rock again of their own accord, driving her mound more firmly against Alex's face. She was vaguely cognizant of Alex's arm snaking around her lower back, holding her in place but the gentle, insistent pulses against her straining clitoris had her distracted.

Alex suckled on the hooded nub, alternating the strength and frequency of her action, keeping Liv off guard. After a particularly strong, lengthy pull, Alex released the bundle of nerves only to flick it with light rapid strokes of her tongue.

"Ungh…" Liv moaned into the wall, perspiring under the ministrations of her talented lover.

Alex chuckled throatily, loving the noises her partner was making and they way she was squirming in her grasp. Once again, the vibrations sent a shock wave of renewed desire through Liv's core, coating Alex's chin in a fresh abundance of her juices. The flood prompted the blonde to drift away from the oversensitive clit, placing an open mouthed kiss against Olivia's fluttering opening. She worshipped it as she did Liv's mouth when kissing her, tongue lapping at the entrance, suckling and nibbling the tender lips, drinking in all that she had to offer as though the nectar alone was her life-giving sustenance. This time, as Alex played there, she felt no reticence, no tiny muscular tensing at all. That was her cue she decided. Carefully, she brought her free hand up to her own chin, caressing the silky soft flesh of her lover's inner thigh with the backs of her fingers to let Liv know it was there. At the first sign of discomfort, she vowed to back off, to keep her attentions purely external, but she hoped that the older woman was in a better place physically and psychologically to receive all the affection Alex wished to offer her. There was an almost imperceptible shifting of Olivia's knees, her stance widening just slightly as though granting greater access to her core. Alex accepted the invitation gratefully, kissing her way back up the gloriously fleshy nether-lips and allowing two of her fingertips to play in the copious fluids Liv's body was secreting, lubricating them liberally and once again assessing Olivia's comfort level before attempting any kind of penetration.

"Please…" the brunette whimpered as she felt one of those fingers settle just outside her entrance, attempting to bear down on it.

Alex simultaneously entered her lover and latched her lips back onto the older woman's clitoris, teasing the nub with tongue and teeth in an attempt to overcome any slight discomfort Liv might be feeling. She needn't have worried apparently, judging by the vehement cry of pleasure which was torn from Olivia's throat.

"Fuck, yes!" Liv all but screamed, gritting her teeth and bucking her hips as furiously as she dared. Her body, every nerve ending was singing in joy and rapture. Her mind was focused solely on what was happening between her thighs, not a single other thought penetrating the lustful haze. There was a momentary flicker of fear as Alex pushed into her but the strong muscles which had tensed so painfully last time were as soft as molten butter in the face of the tender, loving, thorough preparation the beautiful blonde had provided. It left Olivia feeling more loved than she could ever remember feeling in her life and even closer to Alex, though she wasn't sure how that was possible.

Alex drew hungrily on Olivia's clitoris, suckling greedily. The second finger, which had been resting along Liv's lips, slid inside easily alongside the first as Alex thrust gently back into her lover. The fit was snug but the additional insertion was still welcomed by the brunette. She was sure to keep her motion smooth and slow, giving Olivia's body time to adjust and accommodate the increased girth, adding a slight twist now and again to assist with the relaxing of her muscles. The twist also allowed her to curl her fingers over slightly on retreat, brushing them against the ridge of spongy flesh just inside Liv's core. Alex hummed with delight as she listened to Olivia pant her name, over and over again. Her strong internal muscles quivered and began their telltale dance of contractions, signalling her impending climax. To send her lover crashing over the edge of the precipice on which she hovered, the attorney lightly fastened her teeth around Liv's clit, tugging at it gently and flicking it with the tip of her tongue.

The breath raced from Olivia's lungs as fierce waves of euphoria swept through her body. She convulsed violently, hands in a white-knuckled grip on the headboard, chin tucked onto her chest in order to avoid head-butting the wall, stomach and abdominal muscles rolling along with her internal contractions. She came with a silent scream, mouth wide open, eyes clenched tightly shut and a vast gush of liquid escaping from between her thighs. Never before had she ejaculated at orgasm, always considering it to be a myth, but there was no denying that something had been expelled from her with some force, liberally coating her prone lover beneath her. Her legs shook as she tried to move off Alex's face, embarrassed by the mess she had made but she was held firmly in place, the younger woman's mouth gently lapping at her overheated core and cleansing it of the remnants of her juices. Only when Alex had drunk her fill did she release Olivia and allow her to move off to the side, surprised and concerned when the brunette sat on the edge of the bed with her back to the attorney.

"Liv?" Alex questioned timidly. "Did I…did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?" Her mind raced over the responses she had felt, wracking her memory to see what she had missed or misread.

"No…God no. 'Lex…I'm sorry…so sorry…for that…" Liv gestured vaguely to the liquid which had soaked into Alex's sleep tee and hair.

"Why would you be sorry for enjoying yourself enough to ejaculate?" Alex asked, genuinely confused. Olivia's head whipped around, surprised that the younger woman knew about such things. "What? I'm not completely naive!" Alex protested. "Besides, I've done some reading…I wanted to make sure I could satisfy you when we did get to enjoy the physical side of our relationship."

The knowledge that Alex had studied and done homework in preparation for sex with a woman was strangely comforting…because it was so typical of the overachieving attorney. "I've never done that before," she admitted quietly, looking down at her dishevelled lover.

"Then I'm a very lucky woman," Alex stated, pure adoration shining from her eyes as she raised the arm closest to Olivia and beckoned her closer. "Kiss me," she requested huskily.

The detective willingly complied, mostly reassured that the younger woman wasn't upset by the turn of events, moaning at the taste of herself on Alex's lips and tongue. For long moments they were content to share in leisurely kisses, until Liv's hand skimmed over the still wet t-shirt her lover wore.

"Let's get you out of this and into the shower…just to shower this time. I don't think I could manage anything more energetic than that again just now!" Liv quipped, drained by her intense climax. "Think you can handle washing yourself while I strip the bed and get this lot in the wash? I'll come in shortly and wash your hair if you like?"

Alex stole a final chaste kiss from the beautiful brunette before agreeing to the course of action Liv had proposed, grabbing the older woman's pillow and pressing it to her side as she rolled carefully out of bed and clambered to her feet. She tore the t-shirt off over her head and tossed it onto the bed with a wink at her lover. "I'll be waiting for you."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 12th 2009<strong>_

_**08.52**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

The pale morning light gradually coaxed Kate to a state of consciousness, her brain slowly registering the presence of a warm, firm body beside her...or more accurately half on top of her. Cracking one eye open, she squinted against the invading brightness as she looked to where Abbie lay, still sleeping soundly. The brunette looked so peaceful, so at peace, eyes closed, face relaxed, arm thrown possessively across Kate's stomach, one leg positioned between Kate's thighs. Her dark hair was splayed across the pillow, cascading over her shoulders and partially hiding her face from view. The redhead suspected that she was witnessing a rare and precious moment, something scant few others had ever seen before and that realisation made her heart beat just that little bit faster. She wished that they could greet every day this way, together, wrapped up in a tender embrace. She felt as though no matter what the day threw at her, she'd be able to cope with it if this is the way her mornings began. She allowed herself to snuggle in closer to the younger woman, taking every ounce of comfort she could from her presence. Her dreams had not been pleasant. Lola's death had unleashed demons she had not faced in many months: memories of Erin's final days and hours; of her own reaction to her daughter's death, her withdrawal from everyone and everything as she adjusted to the loss. She shivered, nausea roiling in her stomach as images from her nightmares crept into her waking consciousness. Abbie shifted, tightening her hold and settling even more tightly against her lover's side as she subconsciously reacted to the tremors, pressing a light kiss to Kate's neck in her sleep. Kate's inner turmoil began to recede as she focussed on the sleepy Texan curled into her side, blanketing her in a loving hold. Today, she decided, would be for Erin too. She determined to enjoy every moment of their trip to the zoo, in honour not just of the little girl Abbie had been so distraught to lose but also of her own daughter too. She knew, if they had ever been given the chance to know one another, that Erin and Abbie would have forged a strong bond, that Erin would have seen the same qualities in the brunette that Kate herself did and loved her for who she was.

The redhead thought back to how they had spent the previous evening, to the ease with which they had merely cuddled up on the couch, drinking beer and chatting. Abbie had gradually come out of her funk, becoming more and more comfortable with sharing her grief and her memories of the brief time knowing Lola. Kate had encouraged the openness, knowing it was cathartic for her lover to talk it through and feeling as though it was bringing them closer also. Their night had ended with a mutual agreement of needing nothing more than to lie in one another's arms, sharing only a few leisurely kisses before giving in to the need to rest.

"It's too early to be wearing a frown that deep," Abbie grumbled, voice raspy and thick with sleep as she blinked tiredly up at the older woman.

"Good morning to you too," Kate quipped, smoothing out the creases in her brow and transforming them into what she hoped was a contented smile. "Do you feel better for some sleep?"

"I do," Abbie replied, "although I have to say you look like you could do with staying in bed a while longer." Hauling herself into a semi-upright position, Abbie propped herself up on one elbow, peering down at her partner with concern. "Talk to me, sweetheart," she requested, brushing fiery waves back from Kate's face.

"I'm fine." Seeing the blatant scepticism race across Abbie's face, Kate added, "I am, honestly. I just had a bit of a rough night. Guess Lola brought back Erin's death more than I thought."

"Why didn't you wake me?" Abbie grumbled, firmly cupping Kate's cheek with her palm, rubbing a soft thumb across her cheekbone.

"You needed to sleep…and it's nothing new, nothing I haven't learned to deal with over the last year. I wanted you to have a few hours where you didn't have to worry about anyone or anything," Kate advised, reaching her own hand up and tucking long strands of almost black hair behind Abbie's delicate ear.

"I want to be here for you. You were so good to me yesterday, so supportive, I want to be able to offer you that same support in return…and I can only do that if you let me in," Abbie persisted, her expression one of pure adoration.

"You do, honey. When I woke up and felt you beside me, nothing else mattered. I felt like I could take on the world and win…you do that for me. Today…today I want us to focus on having a fun time, for Lola yes but for Erin too. Let's go and unleash our inner children. I want to eat ice cream before lunch if we feel like it. I want to marvel at the wonders the animal world has to offer. And I want to do everything today with you by my side." Kate gladly accepted Abbie's weight as the younger woman lowered herself down onto the prone redhead, offering up a spine-tingling kiss.

"I can't imagine a better way to spend today," Abbie murmured as they broke for air, rolling back off to the side so as not to crush the older woman, surprised when Kate followed, lying on her side and pulling Abbie back in close.

"The zoo doesn't open until ten. There's no rush to get out of bed just yet," she informed Abbie breathily, palming the smooth globe of her buttock suggestively.

"Why Ms O'Shea, I do believe I like the way you think," Abbie purred, giving in willingly to her lover's urging.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 12th 2009<strong>_

_**10.26**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"Can you finally come and sit down for a while now?" Alex griped as her lover reappeared in the lounge, having been flitting about seeing to the laundry, remaking the bed and doing all manner of other little jobs around the apartment since they had emerged from their shared shower.

"I will, in a few minutes. I'm just going to make a drink, do you want anything?" Liv asked, briskly walking through the edge of the room on her way back into the kitchen.

"Yes, I do. I want my partner, with whom I shared a wonderful and memorable experience this morning, to come and sit down and tell me why she's avoiding me," Alex replied, letting her exasperation show.

"I'm not," Olivia argued, before disappearing into the kitchen.

"Really?" Alex hollered. "Then why have you been so ridiculously 'busy' doing things that could have been done by me at any time."

The brunette re-appeared, face carefully neutral as she sipped from her orange juice. "I don't want you to have to do anything that might over exert yourself. I don't want anything to set back your recovery." Liv stepped carefully into the room, settling herself in one of the generously cushioned arm chairs.

"If that's the case, why are you sat all the way over there? What's wrong with sitting here with me? What _is_ going on in your head?" Alex cried in frustration. Taking a steadying breath, she tried to probe more gently. "Are you still feeling awkward about this morning? Because there really is no need to…"

"It's not that…it's not…well okay I _am_ still embarrassed by it but that's not…it's not why I'm trying to keep some distance between us. The complete opposite in fact. I can't…I don't trust myself…right now…not to…overstep the mark. My…hunger for you, it's grown over the last few days into something I'm not sure I can control. I want you, to touch you, to kiss you, to taste you, to be inside you and I'm beginning to want it too much…at least for the circumstances right now." It was Olivia's turn to draw in a fortifying breath, hoping she could accurately convey what she felt she had to without offending Alex. "If you're feeling strong enough to be on your own overnight now, I think it would be wisest if I slept at my apartment, to be on the safe side."

"You're running away again," Alex accused. "You're letting some stupid sense of pride get the better of you and avoiding a repeat of what happened this morning by removing yourself from the vicinity of the cause." There was a coolness creeping in to the attorney's voice, a familiar hard edge which always signalled trouble. "It's highly unlikely that the ejaculation you experienced this morning will reoccur every time and even if it did, I fail to see why that would be a problem but clearly you don't agree."

"Alex…" the detective sighed, leaning forward to brace her arms on her knees, glass clenched between fractious palms. "This morning was…it _was_ special and it was highly unexpected. I'm not completely sure how I feel about having lost control of my body to that degree but that's not the same as regretting it or wishing it wouldn't ever happen again. To wish that, I'd have to hope that being with you would be less intense, less pleasurable…and that's something I will never wish for. But in a lot of ways, even though your intentions were valid, it's actually made my frustration grow, not lessen because it's given me a glimpse of how it can be…how, I hope, it _will_ be once you're fully functioning again…and I want that now. I want it more than ever. If that, in your eyes, is running away then I'm truly sorry you feel that way but I'm trying to do what's best for your physical health and my sanity. Many more orgasms like this morning, many more opportunities to look at you naked without being able to touch all I want to and I'll either explode with need or do something we both end up regretting."

Alex growled with her own frustration as they heard Liv's phone begin to ring. "Whoever that is, we're not done with this conversation," she advised firmly as the brunette once again retreated from the room.

"Benson," Liv said abruptly as the call connected, wandering back into the lounge with the cell clamped to her ear.

"_Olivia, sorry to do this but we need you in. The unit has a new case. It's time and media sensitive. I need everyone on this one,_" Captain Cragen announced in his usual solemn way.

Olivia sighed, experiencing a whole new kind of irritation at the interruption, even though the conversation had not been a particularly comfortable one for her. "Ok, can you give me…" The dedicated detective looked at her watch. "…say half an hour?" She watched sadly as disappointment flashed through Alex's eyes before Attorney Alex took up residence. The retreat of her lover behind her professional facade distressed the shapely brunette more than she could say.

"_If that's the soonest you can get here, Liv, that's fine,_" Don assured her. "_How's Alex doing?_" he asked in a gentler tone, offering a glimpse into how much he cared for the young ADA.

"Her physical recovery is going well," Liv assured him, mentally adding that the stoical blonde's emotional state was an entirely different matter at that very moment.

"_That's good to hear. Give her my best wishes for a speedy recovery. I'll see you soon, Detective,_" Cragen replied, rounding off the call and hanging up without waiting to hear back from the lone female member of the unit.

"I'm sorry…" Liv apologised, genuinely contrite that they would have to postpone the remainder of their talk.

"Duty calls. I'll see you around," Alex responded dismissively, turning her face away to glare out of the floor to ceiling window across the room.

"Captain Cragen sends his regards and wishes you a speedy recovery," Liv informed her lover, approaching her against her better judgement.

"I'll be sure to thank him next time I see him," Alex answered snippily.

"Alex, please don't be like this. You know I can't help getting dragged in to work…" Liv pleaded.

"If you think this is because of your job…" Alex cut in, only to be silenced by Olivia crouching in front of her and pressing two firm fingers against her narrow lips.

"I'd rather stay here and thrash this out with you but unfortunately I can't, for now. But I'm only taking a rain check. I fully intend to find time to finish this discussion as soon as I can. Alex, sweetheart, I love you and I am in awe of what you have given me but I still feel selfish and wrong taking from you when I can't give in return…and I still want you so very, very badly that even now, I'm struggling to hold myself back. Please, don't think that it's a bad thing…be flattered that I find you so irresistible," the olive-skinned woman coaxed with a small smile. "I'm going to request that we don't have a repeat performance of this morning until we can both take a fully active part – not because it wasn't one of the most exquisite sensations I've ever felt, but rather because the next time I cum, I want to do it whilst I'm buried inside you, feeling you convulsing around my fingers and watching you climax too," she murmured throatily, replacing her fingers with her lips and offering a suddenly less resistant Alex a sweet, tender kiss.

"God Liv," Alex purred, appeased both by the insistent persuasion and the naked hunger in her partner's eyes. "I want that too." She let out an undignified grunt. "Why the hell did my appendix choose now to do this?"

Olivia laughed heartily, pressing another swift kiss to Alex's lips before rising to her feet. "I don't know, love. Maybe to make sure we fully appreciate being together when we do finally manage to _be_ together."

The attorney merely offered a dubious hum of acknowledgement in return. "Go get the latest bad guy – or girl – off the streets and give me a call when you get home if it's not too late."

"I'll ring you later, whether I'm home or not and if you need anything, give either me or one of the guys a call," Liv instructed softly, glad they had seemingly managed to smooth over the stormy waters. "I'll leave your spare key where I found it."

"No, don't. Take it with you, I'd rather you kept hold of it…so you can come and go as you please," Alex said, trying to appear nonchalant as she brushed a stray piece of lint off the sofa cushion.

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked, stomach fluttering at the gesture.

"Absolutely," Alex confirmed emphatically.

"Ok, in that case, thank you…and I'll be sure to get you a key cut for my place too." Seeing Alex about to object, Liv forestalled any complaint she could make. "I feel the same way, I want you to be able to come over to mine whenever you feel like it and treat it like a second home." For a brief moment, they shared a meaningful glance before the brunette reluctantly tore her gaze away. "I'd really better go or Cap'n will have my ass in a sling."

"Take care, Liv, and be careful," the attorney murmured, gingerly moving to stand so she could walk her lover out.

"Stay there, sweetheart. You don't have to see me out…not now I've officially got a key." The brunette threw a wink in Alex's direction, blowing her a final kiss before hurrying to collect her badge and gun from the lock box in the closet by the front door and leaving.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 12th 2009<strong>_

_**11.32**_

_**Central Park Zoo**_

Abbie leant in close, whispering in Kate's ear as she pointed out the antics of a particularly mischievous sea-lion as they sat watching the feeding session and talk. Their day so far had been a spectacular success, with each of them relishing the relaxed time spent together and taking joy in the simple pleasures of the zoo. Kate relaxed back into Abbie's body, smiling contentedly as the younger woman wrapped a gentle arm around her waist.

"Did Erin enjoy coming to places like this?" Abbie asked softly as she cradled her lover, finally giving voice to an idea which had been floating around in her mind since she'd read the brochure soon after their arrival.

"She did, she always loved watching anything to do with the natural world. Anything she could find on TV about it and nothing would tear her attention away! There were times I suspected the apartment could have burnt down and she'd have known nothing about it, she was so engrossed," Kate replied wistfully before squirming around to look at Abbie quizzically. "Why?"

"There's this thing you can do, to support the conservation project that helps run places like this and other programmes to try to protect endangered animals. It's called a tribute gift. I thought it might be nice to make a couple of donations, one in Lola's name…and one in Erin's," Abbie suggested with a tiny shrug. She had to brace herself as Kate literally flung herself into Abbie's arms. "Umm…I'll take this as you approving of the idea?" Abbie asked on a laugh.

"Honey, I think it is a beautiful idea," Kate gushed, squeezing Abbie tightly once again, oblivious to the stares they were drawing from other patrons of the zoo, young and old alike. "We'll look into it before we leave if you like?"

"I want it to be my gift to them…and to you. Please, don't argue with me about it…I feel like I need to do this…to make some kind of peace with Lola's death in my own head," Abbie explained with a shy smile.

Kate instinctively cupped Abbie's face between her palms, brushing her thumbs tenderly over the Texan's prominent cheekbones. "If that's what you need to do, I won't stand in your way…but I will do everything I can to make you realise just how special your thoughtfulness is to me." They gazed smilingly at one another for long moments, the keeper's talk going on around them unnoticed.

The sound of someone clearing their throat loudly brought them out of the joint reverie, causing Kate to blush as she realised she still had hold of Abbie's face and had managed to lean in subconsciously, ending up mere millimetres from kissing the young brunette in broad daylight with an audience of inquisitive children and disgruntled parents and guardians. She guessed this was what Abbie had meant about the pointing and whispering when they had initially discussed beginning a relationship. With a sweet sheepish smile, she released her lover, turning back around and nestling back against the Texan's strong body, dragging Abbie's arm back around her. They tuned back in to what the wizened keeper was saying, listening to his message of conservation and care for the sea lions with only a few further words exchanged between them. As the talk ended, they stood, taking hold of one another's hands and strolling towards the next exhibit they wanted to spend time at.

"Mommy?" a little voice called. "Mommy?" It came again, a little more desperately. Kate and Abbie both looked around, trying to find the source of the sound. "_MOMMY?_" This time a frantic scream.

"There," Abbie called, pointing towards a small boy of no more than five tucked into a corner partially hidden by a garbage can. The little blonde haired child was bawling his eyes out, apparently having been separated from his mother.

"Hey honey, you lost your mommy?" Kate asked gently, approaching the child cautiously and crouching down so that she was closer to his height. The boy shrunk away from the stranger, crying harder. "I'm not going to hurt you, it's ok. How about I sit here with you while my friend here goes and finds one of the people who work at the zoo? They can help you find your mommy," Kate suggested looking to Abbie who nodded and scurried off to locate a member of staff. "I'm Kate, what's your name, sweetheart?" the redhead asked, trying to soothe the frightened young boy.

Wary eyes fixed on her. "Danny," the child replied at length.

Kate smiled warmly. "Hi Danny, nice to meet you. Can you remember where you last saw your mom? What animals you were watching?"

Danny shrugged his shoulders in exaggerated fashion, the way only small children could when trying to emphatically make a point.

"Danny!" a woman's high pitched voice called.

"Mommy!" Danny yelled gleefully, darting out from behind the garbage can and tripping over his feet in his haste to be reunited with his mother. Kate automatically reached out to steady him to prevent him from falling flat on his face.

"Get your hands off my son," the woman bellowed. Danny squirmed away from Kate's grasp easily but that did nothing to appease his frantic parent. "Pervert," she spat.

"What the hell…" Abbie raged as she returned with the park zoo employee to find her partner being harangued by a complete stranger.

"Abbie, it's fine, just a misunderstanding," Kate stated, pulling herself to her feet and moving to her lover's side, placing a gently restraining hand on the taller woman's arm.

The irate mother's eyes flicked from their faces to where their bodies were now making contact, a sneer settling on her face. "People like you shouldn't be allowed anywhere near children, warping their minds and taking advantage of their innocence."

"People like us?" Kate repeated, confused, looking to Abbie whose scowl deepened menacingly.

"Did it ever occur to you that this lady here was trying to help _your son_ find his way back to you? You should be thanking her for having the presence of mind to stay with him while I went to get a member of staff, making sure that he didn't get even more lost or that someone else had an opportunity to snatch him. And I strongly suggest that, in future, you keep a closer eye on where your child is at to avoid putting him through this kind of distress again." Abbie's anger thrummed through her body like an electric current, buzzing dangerously beneath the surface.

"Ma'am, if I may, I can confirm that this lady came to ask me to help your son find you," the flustered employee interjected, looking around to try and catch the eye of a colleague, suspecting he might need assistance if tensions rose any higher.

"If that's so, why was _she_ manhandling him as he tried to get away from her?" Danny's mother snarled.

"He tripped. If I hadn't caught him, he'd have fallen," Kate protested, aghast at the insinuation.

"You just couldn't keep your filthy, perverted hands to yourself, could you, you disgusting dyke?"

"We don't have to listen to this…" Abbie growled, manoeuvring herself between Kate and her abuser, trying to steer her away before her temper snapped entirely.

"You're going nowhere. I want her arrested for molesting my son and attempting to kidnap him," the mother ranted, speaking to the flummoxed zoo keeper.

Abbie became aware of the small crowd beginning to gather, drawn by the scene the woman was making. She closed her eyes, sucking in a deep breath in an attempt to cool her ire. Fixing an unwavering, unblinking glare on the hysterical woman, she spoke evenly but her tone left no doubt as to the absolute fury bubbling inside her. "Have you even bothered to ask your son if she hurt him or touched him anyway he didn't want her to?" Turning to the still silent employee, she asked firmly, "do you have cameras monitoring the zoo?"

"Yes ma'am, we do," he informed her, a look of utter relief passing over his face as he saw a way to absolve himself of responsibility for dealing with this mess.

Swivelling her head once again, Abbie pinned the mother with her stare. "Then go ahead, call the police and when they get here and watch that footage back, you can explain to them precisely why you saw fit to waste their time and drag them away from real crimes that are being committed. You want to know what the real tragedy is here? That that innocent little boy will grow up with a mind full of the warped hatred and bigotry you're pumping in to him. What would you do if one day, when he's older, he told you he was gay? How do you think he would feel about himself if that happened after you poison his mind? The only one around here who's sick lady is you." Grabbing Kate's hand, she dragged the older woman away, preparing to push roughly through the crowd, surprised when there was a smattering of applause in response to her outburst.

"My boy's no faggot," Danny's mother screamed, clearly not yet ready to give up the fight.

"Oh pipe down, you hysterical fool, you can't know that, the age he's at," a voice from the crowd shouted in response.

Abbie groaned and once again attempted to beat a hasty retreat, wanting to put distance between themselves and the ruckus. She was relieved when the crowd parted easily, allowing them smooth passage, although she did hear the few murmurings of veiled insults thrown their way by some.

"I'm so sorry, Abbie. I never thought…" Kate began, taking the hunch of Abbie's shoulders and the fierce grip on her hand as an indication the tall, raven-haired woman was upset with her.

"What the hell? Why are you apologising? You did nothing wrong. You hear me…_nothing_. This is what I warned you about. This is what you can expect from being with me; hatred, bigotry, insults and thinly disguised threats of prosecution, persecution or bodily harm. Welcome to the wonderfully liberal US of A where you're a valued member of society just as long as you conform to the majority's ideals and standards," Abbie raged, unable to calm the fuming fire within her.

Kate saw straight through the anger, to the crushing guilt it was masking. "You did nothing wrong either," she told her lover, vainly attempting to make eye contact with the younger woman.

"But I did. I should never have suggested we come somewhere like this. We were bound to attract unwanted attention…" Abbie protested.

"How could you have known that? Not all parents are homophobes, Abbie. I certainly wasn't. I didn't want Erin to grow up as ignorant as I did. There's no way you could have known that anything like this would happen."

"You shouldn't have to take that, not for being with me. I've heard it my whole life, how it's unnatural and defies God, how it's just a phase that I'll get over one day when I finally meet a man who teaches me what's good for me," Abbie ranted, letting go of Kate's hand and burying both fists in her jeans pockets.

"And you know that none of it's true. No, I shouldn't have to face that kind of accusation simply for being with you just as _you_ shouldn't have to take it either. But, do you know what? I don't care what they or anyone else thinks. I didn't think I'd be ok with it, I didn't quite know how I'd react but I can tell you now, I don't regret coming here with you, I don't regret the time we've shared here today and right now, if you don't mind, I'd very much like to kiss you," Kate informed the tall brunette.

"Why?" the attorney asked, perplexed.

"To thank you, for sticking up for me back there. To show you that it doesn't matter how many people stare or laugh or point or shout abuse, it won't change the fact that I'm where I want to be and with who I want to be with. And because watching you defending my honour back there was hot," Kate replied with a sly grin which only continued to grow as Abbie's lips twitched upwards into a shy smile.

"Let's not give them more of a show than they've already had out of us today," Abbie requested. "I feel like there are more people watching us than the animals. Why don't we go and see what movies are showing? Sunday afternoon, in a dark theatre, less likelihood of becoming the next big attraction if we kiss there..."


	72. Chapter 72

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Re-uploaded due to an issue with the dates being incorrect.**_

_**Thanks as always to all those who take the time to read this story and to those who take a moment or two to let me know their thoughts.**_

_**FrozenPurple - Hope you're feeling better and enjoying re-reading the story! Get better soon :) **_

_**IsabellaHeat - ouch! Blowing out a tendon doesn't sound like an advisable way to manufacture having reading time on your hands! Hope it heals quickly and smoothly for you. Thank you for reading and glad you're enjoying the story.**_

_**Bucken-Berry - hmmm you're the second person to reference The Dark Knight with elements of this story. Unintentional likeness but uncanny. As for the interpretation of Elliot in this story, it may not be entirely in keeping with what went on in the show...but then if I stuck truly to the characters on screen, Alex and Liv would not have any interaction outside of the bullpen/courtroom either ;) Joke. Elliot, in this tale, at present is acting in haste and repenting at leisure but that's not to say there won't be an opportunity for him to redeem himself further down the line.**_

_**Melizzy511 – re your remarks about (and included dictionary definition of) husked: perhaps it is a colloquialism but yes, where I am from we do use 'husked' as a derivative when referring to a person whose voice is slightly raspy/hoarse but still has smooth and sensual qualities. Given the context in which it is used in the story, I would have thought that it would be a minimal distraction the first time it was read but then understood thereafter by the vast majority of people. After all, we come across words that we may not be familiar with throughout our lives, words which are then adopted and adapted to fit into our own vocabulary. It's how languages have grown since time began and how definitions are updated to reflect our developing societies.**_ _**After all, it's not a million years ago that the sole definition of 'gay' was 'happy, cheerful' etc. And just as an aside, I've recently (as in the last day or two) read two separate decently written (i.e. not littered with grammatical/spelling errors) stories for different shows, both penned by authors from the US, which also contained 'husked' in the exact same context it has been used in this story.**_

_**So, just a bit of a filler chapter really, next one will move on more but I wanted to tie up a couple of loose ends with a few things before the house warming and all the fun that might bring. So yeah, just a whole bunch of fluff ahead really with a little bit of work for Olivia too thrown in for variety. **_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 12th 2009<strong>_

_**12.59**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"How's the victim?" Cragen asked as Olivia and Elliot walked back into the bullpen.

"Quiet, withdrawn, reluctant to make a statement," his female detective replied, tossing her notepad down onto her desk with a sigh.

"Whoever did this to him made a real mess of him, Captain," Elliot supplied. "Docs say he might have to have surgery to repair the tearing if his body doesn't start to heal the damage itself in the next few hours. They're struggling to control the bleeding and are worried about septicaemia if any of the tears get infected. The risk's heightened because of where the fissures are, around his anus and lower colon. He also has a couple of rib fractures from where he was held down, got clear hand prints around the sides of his chest." The ex-Marine demonstrated by opening his own hands and posing them as though he was holding them around a small, narrow body, thumb against its back, fingers splayed across the front of the imaginary chest.

"This kid is supposed to have the best security the industry can buy. How'd someone get him alone for long enough to sodomize him?" Munch asked askance.

"We don't know yet, Harry was too traumatized to tell us what led up to the attack," Elliot replied, shaking his head as he sunk into the chair at his desk.

"So what do we know?" Cragen enquired, trying to focus his detectives' collective attention on the facts they had been able to glean.

"Harry Mack, fourteen year old male, found naked from the waist down, bleeding and dazed in a janitor's cupboard at the KDTV studio just after ten o'clock this morning. He's in town to promote his latest movie and had been scheduled to appear live on Ellie Berkley's talk show around eleven a.m. Harry had been through hair and makeup and was apparently supposed to be killing time in the green room waiting for the producer to speak to him about what questions would be asked etcetera," Elliot reported efficiently.

"So why wasn't he where he was supposed to be?" Munch chipped in.

"Apparently, despite his whiter than white reputation, Harry can be a handful; likes to sneak off for a smoke, gives his minders the run around, arranges to meet up with female fans for 'private autograph sessions'," Olivia explained, making air quotes where appropriate to alert her colleagues that those were not her own words.

"Sounds like he's acting like a normal teenage boy," Fin scoffed. "Anything you got to explain why someone would want to do this to him? Anyone have a beef with him in particular?"

"It's hard to know. He wouldn't talk beyond confirming what we'd already been told, not in front of his management team, his agent and his security guys who all insisted on being in the room with him. Said it was to prevent him from coming to any more harm," Elliot grumbled, making his feelings plain about the way they had been stonewalled.

"Any of those present you picked up a vibe about? One of them wanting to keep him close to make sure he doesn't talk?" Cragen suggested.

"They all just seemed irritated that he'd got himself into the mess in the first place and more concerned about their own loss of revenue on the back of it than for Harry's welfare. All they cared about was that it didn't make headlines and tarnish Harry's public image," Olivia stated, flipping open the notebook she had previously discarded. "We've got names and details for each of them as well as for all male staff working at the television studio this morning who might have had access to Harry. As you can imagine, it's a long list, gonna take a while to run all these."

"Run those closest to him first. They're the ones more likely to know he wouldn't stay put where he was told to," the experienced Captain ordered his troops. "Then run the janitorial staff and anyone who has keys to where Harry was found. And don't discuss this case anywhere. It's been made abundantly clear that Mr Mack's PR team do not want this becoming public knowledge and for Harry's sake, I think we can all agree that for the time being at least, that is what is best for him. When he makes his full statement, do it either at his hotel room or find a way to bring him here without him being seen. This kid is big news whenever he appears in public, let's not invite the press scrutiny where it's not wanted."

"Apparently, the official line they're preparing to put out is that Harry was injured while practicing stunts for his next project. In case anyone sees him leaving the hospital…or somehow it leaks that he's in there," Elliot advised, having gleaned far more about the press machine's intentions than about the actual crime that had been committed.

"Fin, Munch, go pay the lab techs a visit, see if they have anything from the scene that can shed any light on what happened. Benson, get running those names. Stabler, there any CCTV footage inside the studio that might help us?" Cragen directed, watching with satisfaction as his team did his bidding without delay.

"None, the powers that be didn't see the need," Elliot announced.

"Okay, then help Olivia run those names and when you've done that, re-question everyone who was working in that building at the time of the assault. Be discrete about the reasons for your questioning them but someone must have seen something, even if they don't realise it," Don rejoined.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 12th 2009<strong>_

_**14.42**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

"Liz, come in," Alex invited, unable to hide the surprise in her voice at seeing her Godmother. She hadn't quite believed it when the doorman had rung up to ask if Alex wished for her visitor to be allowed up.

"Don't sound so disbelieving that I'd want to see for myself how you were," Donnelly tossed over her shoulder as she sauntered past the lithe blonde into the apartment. The older woman turned once she was fully inside, pressing a brief kiss to Alex's cheek and grasping her upper arms, holding her at arm's length to sweep an appraising gaze over her.

Alex cocked her head to one side. "I'm fine, Liz, honestly. Olivia has been taking good care of me," she assured her protective guardian.

"As well she should. Where is Detective Benson?" the judge enquired striding through the apartment and into the lounge, seating herself as though it was an everyday occurrence for her to drop by.

"She got called in on a case," Alex replied with a casual shrug of her shoulders, walking a little more slowly than her guest had. "Can I get you a drink?" she asked, remaining on her feet until she had received an answer.

"I can get myself one. Take a seat before you fall down, you look tired, Alexandra. Have you been pushing yourself too hard?"

Settling, a little gingerly, into her usual spot on the couch, Alex held Liz's gaze as she assured her, "no, not at all. Olivia has done all my laundry for me, she's cleaned, she brought in groceries. Honestly, she's barely let me do a thing around the place since I got home. I just still tire easily, whether that's from the anaesthetic or from the appendicitis itself, I don't know…but I am hoping it will pass quickly."

"Has Jack McCoy spoken to you about your time off work?" Liz questioned, glad to hear of the care her Goddaughter had been receiving and of her acceptance that recovery would not happen overnight.

"No but I didn't expect to hear from him and I've been too pre-occupied to even think about phoning him. I should remedy that and speak to him. Abbie has given me a few things that I can do from here, some reading and such for Jackson's trial, so I can do that tomorrow and see how I go on. Maybe Tuesday I can get back to the office. I need to check my schedule," Alex stated with a frown, wracking her brain as Wednesday's date niggled at something in her mind. "I have a feeling I'm forgetting something important."

"Whatever it is, I'm sure it can be resolved by your assistant. If not, McCoy will have to earn his pay for once and take charge on your behalf. Give yourself some time to focus on healing properly. You'll do nobody any good if you rush back only to need a longer absence to convalesce from a setback," Liz claimed, sliding gracefully to the edge of her seat. "Now, what are you drinking? And when did you last eat anything?"

"A glass of water is fine, thank you. I ate some whole-wheat toast at lunchtime," Alex replied, grateful to Liz for wanting to take care of her but finding the constant of hovering of everyone to be a little exasperating.

"Don't take that tone with me, young lady. You're not too old for a clip round the ear," Liz admonished, picking up on the younger woman's frustration.

"Then don't treat me like an invalid. The doctor told me to carry on as normally as possible, to do for myself as much as I could, as long as I avoid heavy lifting and too much bending," Alex retorted primly, never having taken being told what to do well and seeing no reason to start now.

"Fine, you can come and get your own water then while I make myself some tea," Liz stated, turning on her heel and walking into the kitchen, smiling secretly when she heard Alex's groan of frustration having just gotten herself comfortable. The older woman knew it was cruel but now the blonde would be torn between admitting she would prefer not to move and letting her stubbornness win. Unsurprisingly, the attorney appeared in the kitchen doorway soon after, cushion clutched to her side and a sullen expression on her face. Her skin was beginning to take on a rather pallid hue though, which concerned Liz. "Are you ready to accept help now?" she asked more gently, letting her Goddaughter see that she was acting out of concern and care, not a need to control her.

"I can do it myself…I just…I'm going to sit for a few minutes first," Alex replied, sliding into one of the stools at the breakfast bar gratefully as she battled a strong wave of dizziness and nausea. She let her eyes drift closed while she concentrated on drawing in deep, slow breaths to try and calm the raging tumult in her stomach. Finally, she felt as though she had a little more control once again, the moment passing as her body thanked her for taking a rest. Opening her eyes, she found a glass of water in front of her and Liz standing beside her ready to catch her should she keel over. "I'm ok," Alex assured her. "I'm ok _now_," she admitted with a sigh. "Thanks… for the water."

"You're welcome," Liz murmured, rubbing one hand soothingly over the space between Alex's shoulder blades on the younger blonde's back.

"I'm just tired," the attorney confessed, allowing her head to be coaxed into resting against Liz's body. "Tired of feeling this way…and just plain tired."

"Why don't you take a nap? We can visit another time. I've satisfied myself that you're alive and taking care of yourself," the judge suggested, touched by the show of vulnerability. Even though she considered them reasonably close, it was rare that Alex let her guard down to this degree in front of her.

Continuing her display of openness, the sleepy blonde requested, "would you stay? I don't…I don't want to wake up alone right now." She wasn't sure whether it was because she was feeling under the weather or whether it was due to her earlier conversation with Olivia, during which the brunette had announced her intention to sleep at her own apartment from now on, but Alex found herself experiencing a strong yearning to have someone, a friendly face to wake up to.

"Of course," Liz agreed instantly, gently urging her Goddaughter to her feet and guiding her towards the bedrooms, only to be steered into the lounge by the younger woman.

"I've spent too many hours in bed recently. I'll just crash on the couch, if you don't mind me sleeping in here?" Alex said by way of explanation.

"Why would I mind? It's your apartment, you can sleep where you like. I'll be fine borrowing one of your books to entertain myself while you rest," Donnelly assured her companion. She busied herself for a few moments assisting Alex to get comfortable, retrieving a pillow from the blonde's bed and covering her over with the throw that had been draped over the back of the sofa. With a tender pat to the cheek, Liz instructed Alex to sleep well before leaving her to it.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 12th 2009<strong>_

_**15.37**_

_**Java House coffee shop**_

Abbie felt Kate's eyes lingering on her again, their gaze caressing her like a physical touch. "Do I have something on my face?" she asked smartly, eyebrow quirking upwards as she lazily raised her eyes to meet her lover's.

"No…" Kate admitted, bashfully adding, "I just…can't get over that you still went ahead and made those donations at the zoo, despite what happened."

"It wasn't the zoo's fault, or the animals those projects help…and it certainly had no bearing on Lola or Erin so there was never any question I wouldn't still make those tribute gifts on their behalf. Thanks for getting Lola's mom's number so I could warn her about the card they send to acknowledge the donation. That wouldn't have been how I wanted her to find out about it. But really, Kate, it's no big deal," Abbie insisted modestly.

"Yes it is. To me, it is a very big deal, Abigail Carmichael. To me, it means the world that you have such a big heart that you were willing to do it in the first place but then to stay at the zoo longer than you wished to, in the face of the cruel words thrown our way by those ignorant inbreds, that, honey, takes a strength of character I can only begin to wish I had. You amaze me…and I mean that in a good way," Kate informed the willowy brunette opposite her.

"You don't have to keep flattering me, you know. You've already won me over," Abbie teased, trying to deflect the attention away from herself.

"Oh hush and accept a compliment when one's sent your way," Kate instructed, glancing away to look out of the window they sat beside, watching people hurrying by unaware of her scrutiny.

"The movie was good wasn't it?" Abbie asked casually, picking her mug up to hide her grin.

"I'm sure it was. I'm sure I'd have enjoyed it all the more…if you hadn't been so hell-bent on distracting me," Kate responded with a blush, remember how the impish brunette's hand had kept straying onto Kate's thigh, long fingers teasingly stroking and squeezing the sensitive flesh there under the cover of darkness in the theatre.

"And of course, your lips brushing against my ear _every time_ you leant over to pass comment on something wasn't meant to be distracting at all, was it?" Abbie rejoined, her own colour rising as she recalled how easy it would have been for her to act highly inappropriately. She was grateful the older woman had had the presence of mind to keep her under control, knowing an arrest for public lewdness would not sit well with her employers.

"Don't reap what you're not prepared to sew," was all the fiery redhead would say, though her expression gave away her amusement at their antics. "God I felt like some horny teenager again, trying to sneakily make out in a movie theatre."

"Oh really? You have pedigree for this type of behaviour Ms O'Shea? Care to enlighten me?" Abbie requested, suddenly highly interested in her lover's response.

"Come on, don't tell me you never did it? Let's see, it was many, many moons ago, obviously. His name was…Johnny…Johnny Pedilino. He was my first steady boyfriend, it was our fourth date and we were watching some God-awful comedy that I can neither remember the name of or who starred in it. He spent most of the film with his hand inside my blouse and his tongue down my throat while I just sat there and let him get on with it. We didn't make it to date five. Apparently, he thought I was frigid because I hadn't been overly keen on fondling him in return for his fumbling groping of my breast," Kate supplied with a shrug. "I wasn't devastated. He was a sloppy kisser and clearly knew nothing of a woman's body."

"How old were you?" Abbie asked, shocked, though why she couldn't say. She realised that Kate had had relationships prior to their own but it wasn't something they'd discussed in detail.

"I was seventeen, he was nineteen," the older woman replied.

"Wow," Abbie exclaimed on a short huff of breath.

"Have you never made out in a movie theatre like that? Well obviously not like that, like that, but you know, with a girl you liked?" Kate enquired, leaning forward over the table separating them in anticipation of her partner's answer.

"Umm no, I really haven't. Where I grew up, it wasn't cool to be out, none of my friends knew and chances are I wouldn't have made it to adulthood if I hadn't learnt very early on how to be discrete about any liaisons I had. There was only one theatre anywhere near where I lived so there was always someone there you knew. If I wanted a tryst with a girl, we'd find some quiet place down back country roads away from civilisation and hide ourselves the best we could. It was never advisable to be seen alone with the same girl too often unless you were related to her or else folks started making assumptions that could lead to dangerous consequences, so my conquests were few and rare. It wasn't until I went away to school and lived on campus that first year that I really began to think it was ok to be who I was. Seeing other women, other girls my age, who were open, who were comfortable kissing in front of other people, inspired me not to hide anymore and I was like a kid in a candy store, making up for lost time and indulging in as many women as were prepared to sleep with me. That usually involved hooking up with someone in a bar and going back to their place. By morning, I was gone and made it a point not to see the same girl twice unless they understood it was just sex. I never really did the dating thing. I guess that habit stuck with me…until very recently."

Kate listened in rapt silence to Abbie's recollections of the issues she had faced as a youth, attempting to make some sense out of her burgeoning sexuality and then the behaviours which had led to her failing to develop any kind of meaningful intimate relationship with any woman. "That sounds like a really hard way to grow up," she mentioned, wondering how Abbie had found the self-confidence she had in the face of such a threat of persecution.

"There are worse things than having to hide who you are," Abbie argued with a shrug, knowing she had more than made up for it since leaving home, even if it did mean she was hardly welcomed back with open arms.

"Still, growing up knowing that complete strangers would hate you just because of who you happen to love can't have been a whole lot of fun. That kind of thing could screw you up for life…" Kate retorted only to be interrupted by her brutally honest lover.

"Some might say that it did. The fact that I'm a serial womaniser tends to suggest a less than healthy attitude towards sex and relationships."

"If that were the case, you'd never look to change and this, between us, wouldn't be happening, would it? If your actions were truly and solely determined by your past, you'd never have even considered me as more than a friend. I'm not some hook-up you met in a bar. You took the time to get to know me as a person and then decided that you wanted to know more, to have more with me. Isn't that true?" Kate continued to lean forward, willing Abbie to look at her so that she could get some handle on what was going on in the younger woman's mind.

"Yes…it is. I think…perhaps my past also goes some way towards explaining why I'm a little more protective than most when I hear people hating on others because of their sexuality. I'd do the same for anyone, I'd like to think, but for you…for you, I'd do everything in my power to shield you from that crap and its effects," Abbie stated vehemently, eyes flashing with a fierce protectiveness.

"See, you're not screwed up. There's a hopeless romantic in there who's now taking the time to assert herself a little more," the redhead teased with a soft smile, showing that she had no problem at all with that concept.

Abbie merely grumbled gruffly in response. "Shut up," the swaggering brunette demanded playfully, puffing out her chest in an attempt to convince Kate of her butch-ness.

"It's ok, your secret's safe with me!" the older woman chuckled.

"Yeah right, of course it is. Anyone with a pair of eyes can see you have me so whipped already," the disgruntled Texan complained, though the twinkle in her eyes belied her statement.

"Not even close, darling," Kate drawled, mimicking the brunette's accent. "Just wait 'til I turn on the charm when it's something I _really_ want," she added, drawing a pitiful whimper from across the table.

"I'm dead," Abbie conceded, dramatically dropping her head onto the vinyl surface with a soft thud.

Kate released a peel of amused laughter. "Not for a long while, I hope. I like having you around."

"I like being around too, for you…with you." For long moments, they were content to simply be with one another, sharing glances and smiles, sipping at their respective drinks and watching the world go by out of the window beside them.

"Want to make a move back to my place? We could put another movie on and make-out to our heart's content if you like?" Kate suggested with a comical flexing of her eyebrows.

Abbie checked her watch. "Would you mind if we called in on Alex? It seems a shame not to while we're so close and I'd like to see how she is…and talk to her about her plans for tomorrow, just to make sure she's not intending on turning up at the office."

"Of course I don't mind. I think it's a lovely idea. She wouldn't really try to go to work tomorrow, would she?" the redhead asked with a frown.

"Knowing Cabot, she would if she thought she could last the day and not have anyone realise she was under par," the younger woman groused, pushing herself to her feet and holding out a hand which Kate gladly grasped, tucking herself into her lover's side.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 12th 2009<strong>_

_**15.53**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"You spoken to Abbie since the hospital?" Liv asked, trying to be as casual as she could lest she stir up a hornet's nest with her volatile partner.

"Not had chance to, why?" Elliot queried in return, pausing in his efforts to fix his coffee to level an inquisitive gaze on the brunette beside him.

"Because you should. You owe her an apology and I'd really appreciate you two clearing the air before next Sunday," Olivia explained, sweeping her own coffee up off the counter.

"What's so special about next Sunday?" the brawny detective wanted to know, side stepping the remark about his debt to the US Attorney, already feeling guilty enough for what he implied without his partner sticking the boot in.

"A housewarming get together at my new apartment. I'd like for my friends to be able to be in the same room without me or anyone else wondering when we'll have to step in and referee," Liv announced firmly, making it clear that she wouldn't stand for any further nonsense from him. "Abbie is trying to make a go of a relationship with Kate. Whether you accept that or not as a valid union, if you're coming to my home, you'll respect them both. I don't care what you say to the guys or anyone else behind my back but I don't ever want to hear another hint of your macho, bigoted bull while I'm around. Final warning, El. One more slip up and we're done. Are we clear?"

Had the words not been crystal enough, the fire in his partner's eyes would certainly have convinced Elliot of the veracity of her statements. He gave her a firm, curt nod, trying to keep his temper in check at having been spoken to that way by reminding himself that it was his own doing. If he had just kept his mouth shut and engaged his brain a little more readily, the whole thing could have been avoided.

"I'll call Carmichael first chance we get to take a break," he promised.

"Make it tomorrow. She's on a date with Kate today. I don't think either of them would appreciate their time together being interrupted," Olivia advised, her thoughts turning to the new couple and wondering how they were getting on.

"Isn't it a bit…futile, Abbie dating someone from here?" Seeing Liv's eyes hardening, he hastened to add, "I mean with her having to go back to DC once the trial's over."

Acknowledging that it was a valid question and certainly not one she hadn't asked herself, Liv sighed, "I guess time will tell. I'd like to think they can find a way to make it work, they seem like they'd be good together."

"You've met her then? This Kate?" Elliot asked, surprised.

"Yeah, Alex and I went to the volunteer centre that Abbie's been helping out at. That's where she met Kate. We all went for lunch together." Olivia blew a cool stream of breath over the top of her coffee as she raised it to her lips, hoping to take some of the stinging heat out of it as she braced herself to take a sip.

"Abbie volunteers? Wow, I really wouldn't have expected that," the ex-Marine admitted, a look of grudging respect settling on his face. "Well, if it's love, I'm sure they'll find a way to make what they got work for them," he supplied genuinely, before adding, "just like you and Alex have."

"We still have a way to go before we're completely at ease being together…but yeah, Alex and I are making it work. And I can truthfully say I'm happy about it. I still miss Sam, of course I do, and there are still times when I find myself wishing I could share some things with her but it is getting easier. And hopefully, now Gina and I are talking again, it'll keep on getting easier, for us all." Olivia smiled at the prospect, eyes turning wistful as she imagined a future with those important surrounding her.

"That's good to hear, Liv. Really it is. So will Gina and her husband be at your place next weekend then?"

"Yeah, Gina's offered to come over early and help with the catering. She's even volunteered to teach Alex her way around the kitchen!" Liv laughed, her grin widening as Elliot almost choked on his own drink.

"I'll have my phone on standby then in case you need me to pick up takeout on my way over...or in case of a change of venue when the fire department have to hose down your place," the brawny detective quipped, having heard of Alex Cabot's legendary lack of culinary skills.

"Gina promises me that won't be necessary…but yeah, keep your cell handy. I'd hate to be caught without a backup plan!" Liv clapped her partner on the shoulder as they wandered back towards their desks, attention returning to the job at hand once more, all traces of levity disappearing.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 12th 2009<strong>_

_**16.20**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

The door opened to reveal a casually dressed Liz Donnelly, who beckoned them in wordlessly, mouth crooking into an amused smile at Abbie's obvious confusion.

"Alexandra is resting but I'm sure she'd enjoy the pleasure of your company when she wakes," Liz mentioned by way of explanation for her inviting them into the blonde attorney's home. "Nice to see you again, Miss Carmichael."

"You too, Judge Donnelly," Abbie stammered, still flummoxed. "Uh…this is Kate O'Shea, my…uh…my girlfriend?" she hedged, looking to Kate for confirmation.

The redhead smiled warmly back at the brunette who was wearing a deer-caught-in-the-headlights expression. "That I am." Turning her attention to their temporary hostess, Kate offered Liz a polite smile. "Very nice to meet you Judge Donnelly and thank you for making sure Abbie got to my place safely the other night."

Liz brushed off the thanks. "Nice to meet you too, Ms O'Shea. Come through to the kitchen, I'll see if Alexandra has anything in her cupboards that I can offer you to drink."

"Please call me Kate," the redhead requested following the judge into the modern kitchen a little nervously. Abbie's gentle hand at the small of her back went some way to soothing her and she found herself leaning back almost imperceptibly into the touch. The visitors were ushered into seats, Abbie making herself at home on one of the stools in front of the breakfast bar, clearly at ease with being in Alex's space. Kate perched beside her partner, hands fidgeting nervously.

"Liz is Alex's Godmother," Abbie explained, hoping to ease the tension radiating from the older woman next to her. "How is she?" the Texan asked, focusing back on the suave blonde who looked strangely at home pottering around the small kitchen space.

"She is fine," a voice called from behind them, still hoarse and thick with sleep.

"Alex, honey," Abbie cooed, dashing across the room to greet the younger woman. "I'm sorry if we woke you."

"You didn't," Alex assured, waving away Abbie's attempts to help her walk with a firm scowl. "I just needed a nap to recharge my batteries. Honestly, I'm fine now, at least for a few hours until my body decides it needs another powernap." Spying an anxious redhead, the attorney smiled warmly. "Kate, it's wonderful to see you again."

The genuine affection in the statement touched Kate who found herself returning the smile readily. "You too Alex and for someone who underwent surgery a few days ago, you're looking very well."

"Thank you," Alex replied sincerely. She took hold of Abbie's hand, tugging her closer again, despite having waved her away. "I was so sorry to hear about Lola. How are you doing?"

"I'm…dealing with it in my own way. I'm not about to deny that it was a shock and an eye-opener though," the Texan admitted sombrely, allowing a quick hug from Alex before moving back to Kate's side.

"Lola was a little girl at the Ivy Martin Centre for kids with cancer which the Foundation supports. Abbie's been volunteering there for a few weeks now, since just after the gala fundraiser. Lola had taken rather a shine to her but unfortunately, she died yesterday, at the centre." Alex aimed her address at her Godmother, who had watched the conversation with feigned indifference, but her eyes never wavered from the couple leaning on one another, both physically and emotionally. Abbie's arm rested across the back of Kate's shoulders while the redhead encircled the taller woman's waist in a loose, comforting embrace.

"My condolences, Abigail," Liz offered automatically, though she did feel a slight pang of empathy for the visiting attorney.

"Abbie donated a tribute gift in Lola's name while we were at the zoo earlier," Kate announced proudly, smiling up at her lover. "She also made one in Erin's name too." The tenderness in her voice left Alex in no doubt as to how incredibly moved the older woman was by the gesture. Realising Liz wouldn't understand the significance of that, Kate added, "Erin was my daughter. Sadly, I lost her to cancer last year. She's how I came to be involved in the Ivy Martin Centre, which is where I met Abbie."

Liz inclined her head, as realisation dawned of their connection…and the newness of their relationship, despite appearances to the contrary. "Then my condolences to you both," she offered. "You're in capable hands here, Alexandra. I'll leave you to your guests. I don't expect to hear of you setting foot in your office before the week is out unless there is an absolute dire emergency which renders it unavoidable. And by that, I do not mean that you are bored and restless at home. Take the time to heal, catch up on reading some of those works of fiction that are gathering dust on your shelves, do whatever keeps you occupied but do not even think about returning to work."

"Please, you don't have to go on our account," Abbie protested, feeling like they had driven Liz out with their arrival.

"I'm not," Liz stated with a dismissive wave of her hand, "I'm merely excusing myself so that you can all talk far more comfortably and candidly without the big bad judge listening in." Fixing a steely glare on Alex, who had to force herself not to squirm under the scrutiny, the older woman reiterated, "I mean it, no work for at least a week. I don't care what your doctor says or how much pressure Jack McCoy puts you under. I'm sure Miss Carmichael and I can deal with him if he threatens to become an issue." Abbie's nod of agreement earned her a brief, swift smile of approval.

"Liz?" Alex called, as her Godmother turned to go. She waited for Liz to turn around before continuing. "Thank you, so much, for coming over and for earlier…for staying with me."

"You're welcome. Call me," Liz said as she departed, the words intended as a request but sounding more like an order given the judge's brusque manner.

"Does she ever just relax and crack a smile?" Abbie asked after they were sure she'd gone.

Alex laughed lightly. "She's just very aware that she needs to be seen to be maintaining an appropriate distance at all times. It wouldn't do her or me any good if defence attorney's started trying to use our familial connection to discredit either of us."

"So she won't be coming to this shindig at Benson's new place next weekend then?" Abbie surmised cheekily, sliding back onto the stool she had vacated.

"No…I hardly think her presence would help anyone relax and I know Olivia will be nervous enough as it is with Gina and Fausto being there," Alex admitted, silently adding that her partner wouldn't be the only anxious one. "Anyway, let's not sit around in here when there are far more comfortable seats in the lounge. I'll freshen up the coffee if one of you wouldn't mind carrying the tray through for me?"

"I'll do that," Kate announced, rising and bustling around the kitchen area, shooing the stubborn pair of attorneys from the room as they tried to object.

"She's a feisty one," Alex observed with a wink, adding, "but then she'd need to be to handle you."

"She's amazing, Alex. Honestly, I… God, I don't want to get all mushy or anything but I genuinely think I'd be lost without her right now." Abbie buried her face in both palms with a groan as she sunk onto the edge of the sofa.

"Hey, don't act like it's a bad thing. You make an adorable couple, if that's any consolation. You look really natural and comfortable around one another," the blonde attorney commented.

"Moving on…" Abbie requested through another groan. "Did you say Gina's coming to the housewarming next Sunday?"

"Yeah, Liv called to invite them and managed to have a real conversation with her. She's even threatening to teach me how to cook!" Alex quipped, letting her nervousness show just a little.

"Well that's no bad thing," Abbie rejoined, earning a playful thump to her shoulder. "No, seriously, I mean it shows Gina's trying to support your relationship with Olivia. Speaking of, where is the elusive Detective Benson? You run her so ragged looking after you that she's flat out in bed?"

"She was called in to work. The unit caught a new case, something high profile and sensitive," Alex reported. There was a note of disappointment in the younger woman's voice which caught Abbie's attention.

"Want some company then?" she asked gently.

"No…you and Kate should spend your time together. I'll be…I'll just put a DVD on or something," Alex assured her friend dismissively.

"Which is precisely what Abbie and I would be doing at my place so what's the harm in us all watching something together?" Kate pondered as she entered the room carrying a tray laden with fresh steaming coffee and some cookies she had found in one of the cupboards. She hoped the attorney wouldn't mind her opening them.

"We promise not to make you feel like a third wheel on a date," Abbie added, still sensing some reticence in their host. "But, you know, if you'd rather be on your own, we can just drink up and leave you to it."

"No…no, company with that movie would be good. Thank you, both of you," Alex replied sincerely, indicating that they should take their pick of her somewhat limited selection of films and settling herself into the cosy armchair, allowing the two lovebirds to take the sofa, should they want to cuddle up together. Even as she appreciated their company, she couldn't prevent the pang of regret that Olivia wasn't there to share in the impromptu evening too.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 12th 2009<strong>_

_**17.58**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

Olivia stepped into an empty interrogation room, needing a few minutes respite from the headache their latest case was becoming. Harry Mack had been taken into the OR meaning it would be impossible to question him further until tomorrow about events leading up to the attack which had landed him in hospital. Mack's entourage and the staff at the television studio had proved wholly unhelpful, with nobody saying anything against the obviously spun party line and very few of those they had managed to run through their databases having so much as a parking ticket on record against them. So far, they were spinning their wheels with no clue who their perp was and tempers were already beginning to fray as pressure was being brought to bear from above.

Rubbing at her temple absentmindedly, she pulled her cell phone from its clip at her belt and hit the speed dial she had assigned Alex's number to.

"_Cabot's phone,_" a familiar husky voice murmured.

"Abbie?" Liv queried, confused as to why the Texan was answering her lover's phone. "Is Alex there? Is she ok?"

"_Cool your heels, Olivia, your beloved is fine. She's actually asleep again at the minute. Kate and I have worn her out making her watch Mamma Mia,_" Abbie explained with a quiet laugh. "_She lost the battle with her eyelids around two thirds of the way through it._"

"But she's ok, right? She's not getting sick or anything? She's open to contracting infections at the minute…" the detective worried, running a hand through her already messy hair.

"_Benson, would you relax? Alex is perfectly ok. Kate checked her temperature…her mind went the same place yours did. It's normal, no sign of infection or anything else untoward. Her body is just telling her it needs a lot of rest right now so that it can heal itself. If you don't believe me, look online, there's loads of information out there about what you can expect post-op,_" the US Attorney supplied.

"Why were you looking that up? You think I wouldn't be able to handle taking care of her?" the brunette questioned, a little affronted by the assumed insinuation.

"_That had nothing to do with it. I thought I might have to do some fancy talking to persuade her to stay off work so I wanted to be armed with enough facts to argue my case. I've seen Cabot in action, I knew I needed to prepare if I was to stand any chance of convincing her. Turns out I needn't have worried though, Judge Donnelly already verbally beat her into submission!_"

"She did?" Olivia was feeling more and more out of the loop, even though she'd only been gone a few hours.

"_Yeah, she came over earlier to see Alex, practically forbade her from setting foot in the office until at least next Monday. And for once, your girlfriend was willingly compliant – though whether that'll last as long as another week remains to be seen. I'm guessing once she gets over the actual procedure and starts feeling stronger, she'll be itching to get back to work._"

"I'll talk to her as the week goes on, try to persuade her to give it at least the full week. I know she has to go back and see her doctor so they can check her op site during the week, hopefully they'll offer her some sounds advice too." Liv leant against the wall at her side, crossing one ankle over the over and tucking her free arm across her midriff.

"_Oh…hang on…._" The line went quiet, muffled sounds drifting occasionally from the other end. "_Sleepyhead just woke up and wants a word. Chat to you soon, Olivia, and if I don't see you before, I'll see you at your new place next Sunday._"

"Thanks, Abs. Take care," the compassionate brunette instructed before waiting for her lover to get on the line.

"_Hey sweetheart, I'm glad I didn't miss your call,_" Alex murmured drowsily.

"I could have called back later," Liv stated, yearning to be with the younger woman. She could picture her tired eyes, sleep tousled hair and relaxed body and craved holding her close.

"_You can't guarantee that. I know what your job's like. How's the new case going?_" Alex offered a few murmurs and grunts as Olivia ran the case for her, filling her in on the scant few details they had gleaned and the seemingly unending stonewalling they were facing. "_Let me know if you need any warrants. I can still manage a bit of paperwork,_" the attorney offered seriously.

"I'll do no such thing," the detective protested. "Alex, you're out sick, there is no way we'll be calling on you for warrants even if we do get to a stage where we need one. Besides, that's a long way off yet by the looks of things since we have absolutely no grounds for anything right now."

"_Liv, please…I feel so useless. Call me, if you have anything, please?_" Alex practically begged, not caring that she sounded desperate.

'So much for the blonde being willing to accept she needed to take time off,' Olivia thought. "I'm not making any promises, 'Lex." With a sigh, she conceded, "I'd better get back before they send out a search party. Enjoy the rest of your evening with Abbie and Kate. I'll call you in the morning."

"_I'll miss you later,_" the younger woman admitted quietly. "_If you change your mind…about staying here…you have your key. I won't expect anything of you but it would be nice to wake up with you again._"

"Let me see what time I get away, ok? I don't want to disturb you if it's late," Liv advised. "I love you," she mentioned in parting, her smooth voice wrapping around Alex like a comforting blanket of warmth.

"_I love you too, Liv. Be careful._"

Olivia stepped out of the interrogation room feeling calmer and better equipped to handle whatever was thrown her way, simply for having heard her lover's voice. She understood, with startling clarity, how it was that Elliot's family had the capacity to soothe his anger and frustration with just a phone call and appreciated the refuge Alex offered her.

"When you're ready, we have a potential witness to question," Elliot snapped as his partner strode back into the bullpen.

"Let's go then," Olivia offered simply, refusing to rise to the bait.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 12th 2009<strong>_

_**23.41**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Olivia slid the key into the lock and slipped into the apartment as quietly as she could. The place was silent and in darkness, signalling that the inhabitant had already retired for the night. Shedding her jacket, gun and badge in the closet by the front door, she toed off her boots and left them under the table in the lobby. On stocking feet, she padded towards the bedrooms, intent on checking on Alex before retiring for the night. She pushed open the door which had been left ajar, heart swelling in her chest at the sight which greeted her. Her lover lay, fast asleep, in the tender cocoon of Abbie's arms. Abbie lay atop the covers, eyes closed, mouth slightly open, breathing evenly in a light slumber. The brunette's cheek rested lightly against Alex's crown, one arm draped protectively across the top of the younger woman's chest. Alex's head was tucked beneath Abbie's chin as she lay on her back, cosily cuddled down beneath the blankets. They made for a cute visage and though Liv appreciated her friend keeping Alex company, she wished it was her in Abbie's place, holding Alex close. With a quiet sigh, she turned to exit the room, making her way back to the guest room. Upon cracking that door open, the detective spied Kate sleeping soundly in that bed, mostly hidden beneath the thick, warm blankets. Backing up into the corridor, Liv shuffled through to the kitchen, flipping on the light and squinting against the sudden brightness. She filled a glass with water, mind pondering whether to stay and create a makeshift bed on the couch or head back out into the night and sleep in her own bed. Her brain was so consumed with her thoughts that she was unaware of another presence in the room until a quiet voice interrupted her reverie.

"Alex will be glad you made it here." Abbie's voice was rough with sleep, its already deep timbre dropping into her boots. She yawned widely as she shielded her eyes against the worst of the overhead light's glare.

"She looked pretty content with you beside her," Liv commented, no edge to her tone suggesting that she was upset at having found another woman in bed beside her partner.

"It took her a while to get to sleep. Between having slept quite a bit this afternoon and evening and missing having you beside her, she couldn't settle. I offered to sit with her 'til she dropped off…guess I must have fallen asleep too." Abbie took in the dark smudges beneath her friend's eyes and the tightness across her shoulders. "I'd ask how the case is going but I think you'd do better changing and getting some rest yourself. Think how happy you'll make Alex when she wakes up to find you beside her instead of me."

Liv offered a weary smile of acknowledgement, patting Abbie on her shoulder as she passed by her. "Thanks, Abs, for taking care of her."


	73. Chapter 73

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Re-uploaded due an issue with the dates being incorrect.**_

_**Thanks to all of you reading - kudos to you all for making it this far, whether you've been reading as chapters have been posted or whether you've read it in one or two sittings. Seriously, that's a lot of words to plough through! I really do appreciate you all coming along for the ride and only ask that you're patient with how frequently I can or can't upload new chapters. As long as it takes to read something of this length, it takes a lot of time and energy to write it too - time I have to fit in amongst my day to day life of a full time job, a time consuming hobby and family commitments. I do my best to update regularly but there may be times when that's not possible.**_

_**SlyWolf17 - glad you're still enjoying despite the numerous chapters! :) Zomirthrian - I have absolutely no problem with you choosing not to review before now, I'd certainly never make it a pre-requisite for reading but I am very touched to read your thoughts. Thank you and I hope you continue to get something out of this story as it progresses further and further towards its inevitable conclusion. But yes, that won't be for yet a while.**_

_**Sorry to those who wanted to see the foursome in the morning. Muse just felt it was time to move the story timeline forward a little. So what follows skips ahead to the housewarming and deals entirely with that day! Not what I was expecting but it's what Muse wanted me to get out there...**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 19th 2009<strong>_

_**11.46**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48th Street**_

"Look at the state of you! When was the last time either of you ate anything more than scraps, eh?" Gina cried as the door opened and she got her first look at the pair inside the apartment. The exclamation caught Olivia by such surprise that she couldn't prevent the shocked laughter which bubbled forth from her lips. The tension she had been expecting to find between herself and Sam's mother was instantly swept aside on the tide of motherly concern.

"Gina, come on in," the relieved brunette invited, gratefully accepting the bear hug the Camanetti matriarch offered her.

"You're too skinny, young lady. You need to come by the restaurant and let me feed you properly," Gina announced with a disapproving cluck of her tongue against her teeth. Her attention honed in on Alex, who had stood back, hovering uncertainly as the mother of Olivia's late girlfriend entered. "You too, Alex. There's barely anything of you!" Gina swept Alex up in a crushing hug also, tutting again when she felt how easily her short arms reached all the way around the blonde's slim waist.

"Hi Gina," Alex murmured, still a little tense in spite of the older woman's show of affection.

Gina kept hold of the anxious blonde's hand, turning back to address Olivia. "Do I get the grand tour?" she queried with a kind smile, pleased to see how much more like her old self the brunette appeared to be. The shadows beneath her eyes were markedly less pronounced, as were those within the depths of those expressive orbs. Though there was still a lingering trace of her sorrows, she no longer looked like a woman being haunted by the Grim Reaper himself.

"Of course you do. We'll leave the kitchen to last, no point backtracking needlessly," Liv decided ushering Gina through towards the back of the apartment, watching with amusement as Alex was dragged along, hand still clasped firmly in the older woman's own. Liv pointed out the bathroom and her own room, leading her audience down the short corridor. "This is Alex's space here, all the decor and furniture are of her choosing."

Gina's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. "You have separate rooms? But I thought…" She gestured wordlessly between them, her meaning clear.

"We are together…but we've been taking our time. And then Alex got sick too so it just made sense. Besides, I want her to have somewhere here that she can escape to if she wants a break from me, without having to leave the apartment if it's late at night or whatever," Olivia explained softly.

"Liv, I don't need to escape you," Alex protested quietly, an adoring frown marring her brow. Her words earned a quick tight smile from her lover and a squeeze of her hand from Gina.

"And you're better now, yes?" the mother asked the blonde at her side.

"I'm mostly there, yes. Back to work tomorrow. I'd have gone back midweek but Olivia ganged up on me with my Godmother and made it a less appealing prospect!" Alex replied with an easy grin as she recalled that particular conversation, during which Liz and Olivia had threatened her with all sorts without success until the detective had stated she would impose an extended ban on all gestures of affection if Alex persisted with her plan to return to the office. The promise of a long stretch without being able to kiss or cuddle with her lover had been sufficient deterrent.

"I should think they did," Gina stated, aghast at the mere thought of the attorney angling after going back to work so soon after her surgery. She looked away from the women to take in the decor of the room, assessing it and finding it to be a tasteful mix of understated elegance and comfortable looking furniture. "You've done a beautiful job in here," she informed them both.

"I thought I'd make myself useful while I was off work so we organised for the decorators to come in and paint the rooms which needed it. Liv didn't take too much persuading," Alex mentioned, casting her own critical gaze around the room, still uncertain if she herself was satisfied with the job that had been done.

"It needed doing and it gave you something to distract yourself from work with," Liv admitted with a shrug. Turning to Gina, she explained, "some of the rooms had, shall we say interesting colour schemes."

"It's always nice to put your own stamp on a new place," Gina said, allowing herself to be escorted out of the guest room.

"Yeah, slowly it's beginning to feel like home," Olivia agreed, leading Gina into the lounge where the older woman was touched and delighted to see a few photos of Sam and Olivia dotted around the room, along with one of Sam with herself and Fausto too. Seeing where Gina's eyes were drawn, Liv murmured, "Sam will always be a part of any home I make and you and Fausto will be welcome in my home any time."

Gina dropped Alex's hand for the first time, only to sweep Olivia up in a fresh embrace. "My darling girl would be so proud of you," the matriarch whispered, voice cracking slightly as the emotions still bubbling beneath the surface seeped through her armour.

"I'm sure she'd be proud of us all," Liv assured her, returning the hug fiercely, the tight knot of worry that had plagued her stomach all morning finally unravelling.

Pulling away, Gina requested, "let's get to the most important room. Show me where your kitchen's at and let's get this place smelling as much like a real home as it looks." Again, Gina took hold of Alex's hand, noticing the look of surprise on the quiet attorney's face. "You look ready to run out that door," the older woman offered by way of explanation for her continued tactility. She manoeuvred herself until she was facing Alex, looking her square in the eye before opening her mouth to speak again. "I won't deny that this…seeing you with Olivia and not my Sami…is hard for me but I care about her a great deal, and I can see that she cares just as deeply for you. There may be times when I find it too much and I will apologise in advance in case I unintentionally hurt you at all with my words or my actions. But I want to be a part of Olivia's life and as such, I want to get to know you, to see who has offered this wonderful woman another chance at love and happiness." Gently, she reached up and cupped Alex's cheek. "I see in your eyes how much Olivia means to you. You look at her the same way Samia did, the way she deserves to be looked at. I want you both to know you have the blessing of this foolish old woman, even though you don't need it and I hope you can find room for me in your life together."

"Oh Gina…" Alex whispered, placing her own palm over the older woman's hand. "There was never any doubt that you would be a big part of our life if you wanted to be. And we might not technically need your blessing, but hearing you give it means so very much to me and, I'm sure, to Liv too."

"It really does," Olivia added through the lump in her throat. She came to stand beside the two women who meant so much to her and draped an arm around each of their shoulders, cradling them to her. She was delighted to feel each of them following suit, gathering the three of them together in a group hug which spoke far greater volumes than their words ever could.

"Let's use today as a fresh start, a chance to get to know one another in the context of where life has us right now," Gina suggested as they released their holds, ushering both younger woman through towards the kitchen to begin the mammoth cooking session. "Oh my…" she gasped as they crossed the threshold.

"I know, it's a bit on the small side and basic…but I don't need anything much," Liv claimed, scrutinising the room herself and trying to see it through an outsider's eyes.

"It is perfectly adequate and beautifully decorated," Gina stated firmly. "Were these units here when you signed the lease?" she asked, wondering how much remodelling had been done to bring the apartment up to Olivia and Alex's obviously exacting standards.

"No, they were an addition," Olivia grumbled through gritted teeth, casting an accusatory glare towards her unrepentant lover.

"They were a gift. I know you hated the ones that were in here originally and these suit the space rather better." Alex let her fingertips graze across the marble-effect vinyl work surface. She had wanted to go all out and have the real thing installed but Olivia had firmly put her foot down and refused to entertain the notion of allowing the attorney to go to such expense.

"They are stunning. Very classically elegant," Gina agreed before adding with a chuckle, "it seems a shame we're going to mess them up so but you can't cook without doing so."

"There really is only room for two comfortably to work in here so…" Alex began, aiming to edge out of the way and allow Liv and Gina to create the edible feast for the evening.

"Nonsense, there's ample space for us all," Gina decried, capturing Alex's wrist and tugging her into the heart of the kitchen. "Now, do you have aprons for us all Olivia? Or are we to make a mess of our clothing?"

"I have a couple that you and Alex are welcome to. I'll grab a shower and change later before the guests start arriving so I don't really mind if these old things get a bit floury or spattered with sauce." Olivia rifled through one of the drawers, producing two plain white aprons with navy trim, handing one to each of her guests to put on. Gina did so without flourish, Alex with greater reticence and a pleading look towards her partner. The brunette merely offered her an encouraging smile, eyes filled with promises not to abandon her. For someone who was so fearsome in her own domain, Alex appeared completely unsure of herself standing in the middle of Olivia's kitchen with the bustling mother figure directing her to wash her hands.

"Ok, let's see how your chopping skills are," Gina announced, producing an array of vegetables which needed slicing or dicing. Olivia laid out a suitable knife before turning her attention to the task she herself had been assigned, measuring out ingredients for the hand-made pasta Gina insisted on using for her dishes.

For a while, they worked side by side in relative quiet with the occasional question or direction from Gina, who was busily overseeing production as well as mixing various herbs and spices into a healthy portion of ground beef.

"You have potential, Alex. We'll make a cook out of you yet," Gina declared, satisfied with the young blonde's work thus far.

"Don't speak too soon. I've not done anything involving actual cooking, nothing requiring heating anything up. That's usually when it all goes horribly wrong," Alex admitted, voice heavily laden with self-deprecation.

"You're well supervised. I can assure you I won't let you or this kitchen come to any harm," Gina stated warmly, patting Alex's hand with her own. "Do you get distracted, is that why you tend to cook things longer than necessary?" she asked, genuinely trying to find a reason for the mishaps the blonde had manufactured.

"I…yeah, I suppose I do. Whenever it's happened, I've tended to have just thrown something in the oven or in a pan over the heat and then gotten engrossed in whatever work I've brought home with me. I just plain forget about it until I smell it burning," Alex realised, clearly seeing a pattern to her failed endeavours once prompted.

Gina tutted again, at the admission that the attorney seemed to regularly bring work home with her. "You need to make yourself set time aside to prepare food and to eat it without working at the same time. It won't do you any good to eat while you work, you can't digest food properly if you're poring over papers all the time. I had to tell Sami that so often. She'd think nothing of marking her students' work with one hand while the other shovelled her dinner into her mouth. You women with careers, you get so caught up. You'll be no good to anyone if you don't remember to eat properly!" A quiet scoffing was heard to come from Olivia at the admonishment, having been on the receiving end of Gina's motherly lectures before. "And don't think you're immune from this, Miss Donuts-are-fine-as-a-breakfast-food. I know your habits and I doubt they've changed. You're just as bad, snatching snacks at your desk or on the run as you're about to question somebody. And with the hours you keep, I'd be surprised if you ate more than two evening meals a week at reasonable enough hours for your body to digest them fully."

This time it was Alex's turn to suppress a snigger as she watched her lover being dressed down so effectively by the warm, motherly figure.

"I despair of the both of you, truly I do. I can see I'm going to have to make sure I stick around, if only so you eat a decent meal once in a while," the older woman stated, hands on her hips as she looked from one to another of her companions. "Right, let's get moving on bringing some of these dishes together, or else we'll be sending for takeout later when it's not ready by the time people arrive." And just like that, Gina launched into a new round of instructions and directions, keeping Alex and Liv on their toes to keep up with her.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 19th 2009<strong>_

_**19.57**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48th Street**_

"Abbie, Kate, come in. Let me take your bags, I'll put them in the guest room ready for later," Alex gushed as she ushered the first of the guests inside the apartment. She flushed a little as she accepted the flowers Kate pressed into her hands. "Thank you, they're beautiful."

"Mind if we tag along and take a look at the place now it's finished?" Abbie requested, already moving to follow the lithe blonde.

"Not at all. Step right this way," the blonde instructed with a flourish, playing up to her role as tour guide and announcing each room as they passed, allowing the couple a brief pause to examine the finished articles.

"Damn Liv, this place is looking fine!" the Texan exclaimed as they entered the kitchen, where their hostess for the evening was pottering about assisting an older, rotund woman.

"Hi guys, thanks for coming. You like?" the detective asked crossing the room to greet her guests with a hug.

"It's beautiful," Kate stated, handing Olivia the bottle of wine they had brought for the occasion.

"It is. A vast improvement on how it was when we first came to look round. Much more you," Abbie agreed, holding out a gift bag to her friend.

"What's this?" Liv queried, taking the proffered bag and looking inside. She nudged the bottle of liquor aside and peered curiously at the delicately wrapped package.

"Open it and you'll see," Abbie rejoined with a nudge. "It's nothing much, the bottle's just a little something from us to christen your new place with. The other…well we hope you'll get some pleasure out of it."

"Am I safe opening it in company?" the brunette detective asked with wide eyes, nervous in the face of Abbie's mischievous reputation.

"Not _that_ kind of christening!" Abbie balked with a sharp bark of laughter.

"I'm sure they'll do plenty of that too," Gina inserted casually, earning herself four pairs of stunned eyes fixating on her. "What? I'm a woman of the world, you think I don't know what goes on in a relationship?"

"Abbie, Kate, this fantastic woman is Gina Camanetti, mother of my late fiancée, Samia, and the one responsible for all the amazing food you'll have your pick of this evening. Gina, Abbie Carmichael, US Attorney who will be prosecuting Craig Jackson next week for his part in Sam's murder and her girlfriend, Kate O'Shea." Olivia stood back allowing the trio to exchange greetings, with Gina naturally expressing an interest in how Kate and Abbie had met.

"You all need to take heed of Kate, here," Gina announced, sidling up to the redhead. "This," she stated with a sweeping gesture down the length of Kate's form, "is what a real woman looks like. Beautifully rounded in all the right places. You'd all do well to strive to be more like her. Far too skinny, the lot of you!"

The self-conscious redhead cringed at the attention. "I'm sure their physiques are far healthier and more attractive than mine."

"Nonsense. What's the point in being attracted to a woman if she doesn't look like an actual woman?" Gina posed.

"I agree with Gina, honey. As you know, I'm rather fond of your curves," Abbie mentioned, voice syrupy as she snaked both her arms around Kate's ample waist from behind and pressed a tender kiss to her cheek.

"You're biased," Kate grumbled good-naturedly, sinking back into the embrace all the same.

"I'm allowed to be, I have a vested interest," the brunette teased, giving her lover a quick squeeze. Sensing that further scrutiny would become uncomfortable for the older woman, Abbie changed the subject deftly. "So what's on the menu tonight? It smells divine. You'll soon see, Mrs Camanetti that there is _nothing_ wrong with my appetite." She grinned broadly at the diminutive matriarch.

"Oh please, dear girl, call me Gina. Mrs Camanetti makes me sound so old!" Gina protested before launching into a rundown of everything the three of them had prepared for the evening.

"Your other guests had better arrive soon, Liv. I've seen that look in her eye before. I hope we made enough of everything or else the guys are going to miss out," Alex stated with a teasing twinkle in her eye.

"Which ones are you responsible for making, Cabot? So I know what to avoid, unless I want to chip my teeth on burnt bits," Abbie retorted.

Gina laughed freely as she listened to the friendly banter, feeling perfectly at home with the rambunctious group, it being so similar to the Samia and her cousins when their families had come together. "I can already see I'm going to enjoy your friends, Olivia."

"Oh please, Gina, don't encourage them! They're like a pair of kids when they get started," the detective groaned with a wry grin.

"She started it," Abbie whined childishly, deliberately rising to Liv's bait, happy to keep any kinds of tensions at bay using her own unique brand of humour.

"Don't make me finish it," the brunette replied, one eyebrow arched as she looked between the two attorneys.

"Yes Mom," Alex intoned in facetious fashion, also content to play along, having relaxed greatly as the day wore on. She and Gina had found their way back to the comfortable relationship they had developed before Liv had announced their ever deepening connection and, while she knew that it was still very early days and there were bound to be stumbles ahead, she hoped it marked the beginning of a lasting friendship.

"Are you going to open that darn present or should I just take it back to the shop and get a refund?" Abbie griped. "And what does a girl have to do around here to get a drink? Could die of thirst…"

"Oh hush," Alex ordered, swatting Abbie on the shoulder on her way past to the fridge. "Are you on wine or would you prefer beer? I think we'll save the stronger stuff for later."

"Beer is great for me thanks, Alex," the tall, willowy brunette answered, releasing her lover to get a clearer view of Olivia as she battled with the gift wrap.

"Could I just get a water?" Kate requested, moving towards the sink to fill a glass herself.

"We have juice or soda if you prefer a soft drink, Kate?" Liv offered gently, adding, "or tonic water in the fridge."

"Tap water is fine, really," the older woman assured her with a smile, topping off the tumbler and strolling back to Abbie's side.

"You ok, honey?" the Texan asked so quietly only Kate could hear.

"Yeah…just…might take me a little while to relax around so many people I don't really know," Kate assured her, brushing off the concern. Both their heads swivelled back to the detective as she let out an audible gasp.

"It's beautiful. How…when…?" Liv asked, gobsmacked as she looked down at the decorative clock which had a small photo frame at each hour. In every one of the frames, there was a photograph of someone dear to Olivia; the guys from the squad, Sam, Alex, Abbie, Liv's mom.

"I had a little help," Abbie shrugged, raising her bottle in silent toast to Alex, who offered clarification as her lover's eyes swung around to her.

"I had some time on my hands while I was here overseeing the decorators. I hope you don't mind that I looked through some of your things and got copies of those photos."

"Of course I don't, I've nothing to hide from you, 'Lex. It's beautiful. Honestly, I'm really touched. It'll take pride of place, I promise. We'll find the perfect spot for it later, once everyone's gone home," Olivia stated, crossing to where her friend stood with swift strides and pulling her into a brief, tight hug.

"Why don't we take this through to the lounge? No point in leaving the good seats for the guys to snatch when they get here," Alex suggested, slipping automatically into hostess mode.

As though summoned by her words, there was another knock at the door. Olivia broke off from the group and moved to answer it, greeting her professional partner and his wife, closely followed by Munch and Fin, who had still opted to come despite catching cases that weekend. She ushered them inside, fixing them up with drinks and making the necessary introductions so that Kate and Gina were at least aware of who each man was. Casual conversations sprung up around the room, with Kate, Abbie and Kathy taking the time to get to know Gina better while Munch, Fin, Elliot and Olivia chatted to Alex about the twists and turns in the Harry Mack case.

"So it was a revenge attack?" Alex asked incredulously. "What sort of person even thinks about doing something like that?"

"An irate parent of a young girl who claims Harry sexually assaulted her during one of his infamous 'private autograph sessions' that his management staff deny all knowledge of," Fin supplied grimly.

"But to resort to rape?" the attorney shuddered, suspecting that there would be more to come from the story before they got the whole truth.

"He's claiming he snapped. Only went there to talk to Harry but ended up losing his temper when the little prima donna showed no remorse. Apparently, Harry told him that his daughter had been a willing participant in what went down between them," the ex-Narcotics detective informed her, his own expression mirroring her one of disgust.

"You've questioned Mr Mack, I take it?" Alex enquired sharply.

"We've tried but every time, he has his whole entourage with him who won't let him open his mouth without them telling him what to say," Elliot announced, his frustration showing.

"I'll speak to a judge tomorrow about compelling Harry to submit himself for questioning with just one responsible adult. There is an accusation of sexual assault against him, that in itself should be sufficient cause for a warrant. Have you not had anyone from the DA's office working with you this last week?" the blonde asked, exasperated.

"No one in particular. McCoy just told us to grab whoever we could find since your absence was only going to be a short one. It'll be good to have you back, Counsellor," Munch pronounced.

"But from Tuesday onwards, I'll be tied up for who knows how long in court with the Jackson trial," Alex growled, mentally cursing her boss for his lack of grace. "I'll speak to him tomorrow, try to find you someone specific you can go to if you need warrants or anything while I'm unavailable."

"Don't push yourself too hard tomorrow, Alex. You're still recovering from your operation. I don't doubt you'll be fine but please, for me, don't overdo it," Liv requested quietly, brushing her hand instinctively across the curve of her lover's lower back. It was a gesture which had passed between them numerous times before in their time of knowing one another without anyone paying any mind to it but now held such greater meaning to them all. In deference to Gina's presence, they were doing their utmost to avoid displays of obvious affection, not wanting to muddy the tentatively smooth waters.

Alex turned to the kind brunette, touched by her concern, as her soft smile telegraphed. "I'll only do what I absolutely have to, Liv, I promise, but from Tuesday onwards, my schedule will be pretty full on anyway so better to hit the ground running than be caught napping." The sound of the door going again interrupted further conversation, with Olivia moving off to greet her newest arrival.

"It's good to see you two finally taking a chance on each other, Alex," Munch mentioned with a slight grin, eyes warm.

"You're good for her. She's looking happy again, like she was before," Fin agreed.

Their words earned a murmur of thanks from the proud attorney as she watched Liv being swept into a bear hug by Fausto the moment he stepped through the door, close on the heels of Don Cragen. Alex swept her gaze around the small space, packed with bodies of people who cared for Olivia and her wellbeing. Everyone who had been invited was in attendance, all smiling and revelling in the chance to show their support and affection for the woman who realised so little of how special she was. An overwhelming sense of pride bubbled up in the attorney's chest, accompanied by a strong feeling of finally having found where she belonged. Never in her wildest imaginings growing up would she have thought that she could be at her most content in a fairly basic apartment, with people who couldn't directly further her career, having worked much of the day to prepare the food for the party…and yet, in that moment, there wasn't a single other place she would have wanted to be.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 19th 2009<strong>_

_**20.26**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48th Street**_

Alex glanced over her shoulder to see where her colleague was before asking Kate, "how did it go at the centre yesterday?" She understood that it must have been difficult for them both returning for the first time since Lola's death.

"It was hard… Alex, I'm worried about Abbie, about how much it's really affecting her. I mean, during the week, she's been busy preparing for the trial and everything so I've not seen that much of her but when I have, she's been sweet and kind and trying so hard to be her normal self. And yesterday at the centre, while we were there, she was the life and soul, you know? Going above and beyond for the kids there, making them laugh with her clowning around. But today…today, until we came here, she's been really withdrawn and subdued, seemed to want to be me but wouldn't talk to me or tell me what she wanted to do." Kate too flicked her gaze over to where her lover was deep in conversation with Munch and Fin.

"Have you tried talking to her about it?" the blonde queried, leading Kate further away to a quiet-ish corner of the lounge.

"I did, a couple of times today but whenever I broached the subject, she changed it or did her utmost to distract me. The one occasion I tried pushing it, she damn near bit my head clean off, told me that she didn't need a mother," the older woman sighed, recalling how she'd had to tamp down on her own fiery temper at the way Abbie had spoken to her.

They both took a moment to watch what was apparently a rather fierce debate developing between the tall Texan and her companions, seeing the tense set of Abbie's shoulders and the tight grip she had around the neck of the bottle in her hand. It was as though her body was signposting the stress she was carrying, subconsciously alerting those who took the time to notice to how much of a struggle she was finding it to keep going as though nothing was concerning her.

"She's not much of a talker. Practically her whole adult life, she's gone through it alone – mostly by choice perhaps but she's used to handling things in her own way, in her own time. Those are not habits she's likely to break overnight, I'm afraid. And this trial that's starting next week, it could be something that makes or breaks the next phase of her career. There's a lot of pressure on her to see him behind bars for the rest of his life and she's putting extra stress onto herself too because of the connection to Olivia. I'm not trying to make excuses for her but I think I can deduce some of the concerns she might be having on top of dealing with her feelings around Lola's death." Alex ran a hand down Kate's arm, squeezing it gently in a gesture of support. "Bear with her. It won't always be like this and as the trial progresses, she's probably going to find she needs you more and more."

"I want her to know I'm here for her, to support her however I can…but I can't do that if she won't let me in," Kate stated sadly.

"Give her time, to get used to the idea of having someone there to talk to. Liv and I were the same – and still are to some degree – but we made an agreement to always try to be honest with one another, to try to open up and share things rather than bottle everything up. Part of being in a partnership, as I'm sure you're aware, is learning to lean on someone else when you need to. Abbie's never had that and as much as I'm sure she wants to, probably doesn't know how to go about it. Tread gently but be prepared to push through her anger and her defences. Don't let her brush you off or distract you. She's a stubbornly proud woman who wants everyone to think she's indestructible. You know that's not true and chances are that scares her more than anything." Alex watched as her advice sunk in, her sage words hitting home as a renewed determination settled in Kate's eyes.

"She must be so lonely," the redhead said as though realising for the first time what an isolated existence Abbie had led by choosing to keep everyone at arm's length.

"I'd think so, yes," Alex agreed, "so let her know she's not alone anymore."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 19th 2009<strong>_

_**21.14**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48th Street**_

"Wow, Liv this food is amazing!" Kathy groaned decadently as she devoured another mouthful from her laden plate.

"Gina is a wonderful cook and has been very generous with both her time and her skills today," Olivia rejoined, placing a tender hand on the older woman's shoulder and beaming at her broadly.

"I had two very attentive assistants," Gina mentioned, brushing off the praise and thrusting a plate into the svelte brunette's hand. "You should eat before it all goes," she insisted firmly, eyebrows raised in challenge, daring Olivia to refuse.

"And I will, I just want to go and check on Abbie first," Liv promised, having seen the US Attorney slinking off towards the guest bedroom a few seconds earlier, a sombre expression on her face.

"Always taking care of others," Gina cried in Kathy's direction with a shake of her head before returning her gaze to her surrogate daughter-in-law. "When will you stop to take care of yourself?"

"I don't need to, I have you and Alex to do that for me," the detective retorted with a cheeky smile.

Liv strolled through her apartment, dodging bodies as she went and exchanging pleasantries with her guests, keeping her momentum driving her forwards to where Abbie was lurking. She knocked gently on the door before cracking it open just enough to push her head through.

"Mind if I come in?" she asked softly.

"It's your apartment. I'm pretty sure that means you can go wherever you want without asking anyone else's permission," came the smart reply from within the depths of the darkened room.

"Perhaps, but for this evening, this is _your_ room and if you really, truly just want some time to yourself, I don't mind leaving you to it," the detective offered, not moving further into or out of the doorway.

"Of course you would," Abbie sighed, swigging deeply from her beer bottle.

"What's going on? You seemed like you were having fun earlier." Olivia slipped fully into the room, closing the door completely behind her and using the faint glow from the street lighting to navigate to the bedside cabinet where she flicked the lamp on. In the resulting soft illumination, she could see the deep frown marring Abbie's brow. "Talk to me, Abs, please?"

"And say what, Olivia? Whine about how I missed Lola at the centre yesterday? Complain that the trial is about to start which not only means I have very little spare time to spend with Kate but that before too much longer, I'll be hauled back to DC too? And then what happens? How do I forget what I've had here these last few weeks? How do I go back home and leave her behind?" Abbie turned away sullenly, tipping her bottle up once more only to fix it with a disgusted glare when she found it to be empty.

"Have you talked to Kate about what happens when you have to head back to Washington?" Liv asked gently, perching on the bottom of the bed, giving her friend the space she seemed to desire.

"How can I? I wouldn't know how to even begin that conversation," the attorney grumbled, toying with the empty bottle, mindlessly picking at the label.

"You're going to have to have it at some point, honey. You said yourself, time's marching on. Jackson's trial is going to last only so long. Have you spoken to your bosses about how soon after the trial ends they want you back there?" Olivia was torn between respecting the younger brunette's physical boundaries by keeping her distance and approaching her, to offer some sort of comfort.

"My brief was to come here, get the result, then go home. It wasn't in the plan to actually get involved with anything or any_one_ while I was here…but I _am_ involved. The thought of only seeing Kate once a month or every couple of months for a long weekend, it's not enough. I know it wouldn't be, not for me, not for her. I couldn't ask that of her. I wouldn't. And who's to say I'd last that long? I couldn't guarantee I wouldn't slip back to my usual ways…not that I can guarantee that wherever I am." Abbie huffed out a frustrated breath as she looked around for a bin to discard the bottle in.

Liv took the cue, rising from the bed and carefully extracting the bottle from the fractious brunette's hands and placing it aside on the dresser to be dealt with later. "Abbie, has something happened this week? Have you…did you hook up with someone?"

There was a heavy silence while the Texan formulated her response. "I didn't…but I had the opportunity to and for a moment I was tempted. I was tired, I hadn't seen Kate in a few days and I ran across a woman I've slept with a few times when I've been in town… She asked me back to her apartment…and I went. As soon as I got there it felt wrong. When she tried to kiss me…I couldn't do it, I pushed her away and left. All I could think about was how it would hurt Kate and how much hurting her would hurt me too. I went back to the hotel and spent the rest of the evening berating myself. Kate phoned me but I couldn't talk to her, not when I'd come so close to cheating on her. I don't even know why I would have let it go as far as I did."

"Some habits are easier to break than others, others are easier to slip back into but the fact you didn't go through with it should speak volumes to you. That it was thoughts of Kate which prevented you suggests you can trust yourself more than you give yourself credit for. Or do you want her to walk away from you? Do you want her to take the decision out of your hands so you can go back to sleeping around without feeling guilty about it?" Liv studied Abbie's face closely, getting ready to kick her ass if needed at the first sign of cowardice.

"No! You'll… you'll think I'm crazy…" the lithe attorney groaned, trying to hide behind her hands.

"Too late, I've already known for a long time you're crazy," Olivia quipped, trying to lighten the mood just a little and show her friend that she would support her, no matter what, even if she worried that she might not agree with what she decided.

"Ok, well, I've been thinking… I want to ask Kate to come back to DC with me." Abbie's words came out in a rush, tumbling over one another leaving the detective to untangle them in order to decipher their meaning.

"Really?" the older woman gasped, a radiant smile spreading. "Abbie, that's not crazy. I think that's amazing."

"I know we've only known each other a short time and we're still only just really getting to know one another but…thinking about leaving her behind…I just end up with this ball of pain in my chest, like a physical ache. Do you think she'll even consider it? I mean I'm no amazing catch or anything…" Abbie worried.

"Are you serious? Have you stopped to think how much you must mean to her? She's never been in a relationship with a woman before but she took a chance with you…simply because you asked her to. You'll never know if you don't just take a leap of faith and talk to her about all this. She's probably out there worrying because you're not talking to her. Put it right Abs, before she gets the entirely wrong impression and thinks you're tired of her."

Abbie looked at her friend, assessing her words, stomach still churning with anxiety but her mind at least a little quieter. "I'm…I need to go talk to her."

"What you need to do, right now, is go and enjoy the rest of the party by her side. There'll be plenty of time for talking later once the others have gone. Alex and I will give you all the space you need so you can talk to Kate about how you're feeling, what you'd like for the future to hold for you both, without an audience. I doubt she'd appreciate being put on the spot in from of everyone. It's a lot to consider," Olivia advised sagely. She watched her friend nod tersely before striding out of the room in search of the woman who had come to mean so much to her in such a short space of time.

Liv retrieved the empty bottle before she herself left the bedroom, suddenly needing to find her own lover and hoping to snatch just a moment of intimacy with Alex. As she re-entered the crowded lounge, she cast her gaze around, surreptitiously scanning the room for any sign of the blonde goddess who had stolen her heart. Kathy was deep in conversation with Kate, Abbie having joined them, her hand clasping Kate's own, body still thrumming with nervous energy. Fausto and Munch seemed to be engaged in a lively conversation which Olivia dreaded to think what the topic might be given some of John's more outlandish viewpoints. Gina was fussing over Captain Cragen, filling his plate with a host of savoury nibbles and making sure his glass of tonic water was topped off.

"Elliot and Fin went on a beer run, said you only had the weak-ass shit Carmichael drinks left – my darling husband's words, not mine, I hasten to add," Kathy supplied as she saw Olivia looking around at the gathered group.

"He's just sore because I won't let him open the bottle of Tequila I brought," Abbie rejoined with a smirk, wondering if Liv would let her share some of it with Alex later. She thought she could use some Dutch courage before tackling her conversation with Kate and Alex had looked like she was fit to stroke out most of the night such was the rigid tension in her shoulders.

"For which I am truly thankful! Elliot on tequila may be fun while it lasts but the day after is a whole other story. I'm sure you can attest to that too, Olivia?" the mother of six complained, recalling how much of a bear her husband could be when he had a sore head.

"Indeed I can and since I have to put up with him all day at work tomorrow, I'd appreciate him not acting like the spawn of Satan himself." Olivia smiled before making to excuse herself.

"Alex headed into the kitchen a few minutes ago. I think she had designs on cleaning up some of the mess in there," Kate supplied having watched the young blonde sidle out of the room with an arm full of dishes needing washing.

With a last casual 'thanks', the detective strode towards her kitchen, intent on combining her need for a moment alone with Alex with an attempt to persuade her to leave the dishes until later.

"What do you think you're doing, hiding in here?" she hummed, sliding into the space behind Alex's tall frame and wrapping her arms around her waist, nuzzling the soft, alabaster skin of her neck.

"I'm not hiding," Alex protested, sinking back slightly into the older woman's embrace, feeling instantly more at ease in her presence. She knew it was ridiculous but Alex couldn't help but worry that the success of the evening would reflect on her and Olivia's relationship, almost as though if they couldn't jointly host this party for their friends, it would speak to an unsuccessful future together.

"Whatever's going on in that scarily big brain of yours, stop it," the brunette ordered softly, feeling the coiled tension in Alex's wiry muscles. "I don't know what it is you're thinking but I can tell you're over-thinking something. Just relax and enjoy the evening. You don't have to put on any kind of show tonight, everyone here is already a friend…"

"…of yours," Alex argued. "The guys from the unit have to tolerate me, I'm your ADA. Gina and Fausto have to put up with me because of my relationship with you. Abbie and I work together right now so if we want this trial to go smoothly, she has to endure me too and Kate comes with Abbie, she's just trying to get through tonight without making any enemies."

"Is that what you really think, sweetheart?" Olivia asked, forcibly spinning Alex around to face her. "Alex, do you honestly have no idea how much you mean to the unit as a person, not as our ADA? I wasn't the only one who shed a tear at your 'funeral'. Captain Cragen thinks of you as a daughter just as much as he does me. Munch adores you. Fin loves your badass attitude and the fact you can drink probably any one of us under the table despite appearances suggesting otherwise. Even Elliot, in his own way, is very fond of you – maybe not so much at the moment but that's because he's having to adjust to changes in his assumptions about us both, but he'd do anything to prevent anyone else from hurting you again. As for Abbie, I think we both know that she cares for you as a close friend. She may have chosen you as second chair for the trial because of your credentials but you've made it easier for her because you get on with her on more than a professional level. Gina and Fausto will grow to adore you every bit as much as I do in time. They're just in a very difficult position right now – which I know you understand. You're not here simply because you're being tolerated as my new girlfriend. You're here among friends who care for you and your happiness every bit as much as they care for mine."

"I'm sorry…" Alex whispered, unsure where her insecurity had sprung up from.

"You've no need to be. I'm sorry I've been so busy and distracted tonight that I've not been able to make sure you were having a good time before now," Olivia replied, cupping Alex's face in one palm and smoothing a gentle thumb across her proud cheekbone.

"I talked to Kate earlier. She's worried about Abbie. She feels like she's being pushed away. I think she's scared Abbie's getting ready to tell her it's not working between them." Alex's tone remained intimate even as she switched topic to focus on someone other than herself.

"I just spoke to Abbie. Nothing could be further from the truth. She wants to ask Kate to go back with her when she has to return to DC," Liv advised quietly, making sure there were no ears to overhear the secret she was sharing. She watched relief flicker through Alex's eyes, though a certain shadow remained; a shadow she suspected she could guess the cause of. "'Lex, I know we've not seen much of one another this week with all the hours I've been putting in on the Harry Mack case but I'm not deliberately withdrawing from you. I'm not pushing you away…and I have no intention of backing out of this relationship. I won't deny that not being around you in some respects has made it easier to respect your body's need to recover but there hasn't been a single night I haven't missed holding you. Tonight, I won't need to miss you anymore."

"I still can't…" Alex began, not even bothering to deny that she had had her doubts and concerns about the older woman's commitment to their relationship.

"I know but all I need from you tonight is to be able to hold you in my arms…and maybe a kiss…or two," Olivia assured her, making it clear that she wouldn't jeopardise Alex's ongoing recovery.

"I can do that…and soon, if you still want to, we can do more…" Alex acknowledged, knowing it would only be another week before she had passed the fortnight marker since her operation, beyond which she would hopefully be in a position to resume a fully active life…and begin certain activities with Olivia.

"Never a doubt that I want to," Liv murmured against the attorney's luscious lips, taking the opportunity to steal a kiss while no one else was around. Her hands rested against Alex's hips, gently holding the younger woman in place. They got lost in the kiss, Alex's own hands rising to clasp themselves together behind Olivia's neck, mainly in an attempt to prevent them from straying to less neutral territory.

"Oh…I'm sorry," Gina's voice called, startling them and causing them to spring apart guiltily. Both their faces flushed at having been caught, especially by one of the two people present for whom witnessing such an exchange would be most uncomfortable.

"No, we're sorry," Alex breathed, mentally cursing herself for getting swept away in the moment.

Gina stepped fully into the room, blocking the doorway and preventing either of the inhabitants from fleeing. "I'm sorry for interrupting you. This is your home, you're allowed to do as you please here without apology. It may be hard for me to see Olivia with another woman but I have to get used to it and I don't want either of you feeling as though you need to be on your guard or holding back because of me. Please, just be yourselves and enjoy your evening. Don't worry about me, I'm grateful for the opportunity to be here and your friends are all very welcoming and entertaining. I do appreciate your consideration…but I think we will all get through this best if we are all honest in our actions and our words."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 19th 2009<strong>_

_**22.39**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48th Street**_

"Thanks for a great evening, Liv," Elliot enthused as he and Kathy hovered by the front door, getting ready to leave.

"Thanks for coming," Olivia replied, accepting the brief hug from her partner's wife. "Are you sure you have enough leftovers for everyone?"

"This is plenty," Kathy assured the brunette warmly. "We'd better get back and let the babysitter go home. Hopefully Eli hasn't been too much of a handful for her this time."

Liv laughed along with the couple, remembering some of the more colourful tales Elliot had shared regarding his youngest son. "See you tomorrow, El. Take care Kathy."

She closed the door behind them, turning to survey the almost empty apartment. Only Alex, Kate and Abbie remained…and they were currently busying themselves with tidying up the remnants of the party.

"Leave those, I'll clear up," she protested but was met with a chorus of disapproval.

"It'll take the four us only a few minutes," Kate argued, swatting the hands trying to extract dirty glasses from her own grasp.

"Exactly, and then we can open the tequila for a nightcap," Abbie agreed, ferrying her own load of plates into the kitchen and loading them into the dishwasher.

"Uh…Abbie…tequila? It's a work night, do you really think that's wise?" Alex queried uncertainly, knowing she could handle the potent liquor but not so sure about Olivia.

"I'm talking about one, maybe two, shots, not the entire bottle or anything," Abbie retorted, nudging Alex with her hip. "Where's the harm in that?"

"Mixing with the beers you've already drunk? I'd say the harm will come tomorrow morning when you wake up feeling like a jet plane crash landed in your head." Alex shook her head, turning her attention to washing the glasses, preferring to do them by hand than trust them to the less than tender mercies of the dishwasher.

"I think I'll stick to beer," Olivia concurred, knowing she couldn't afford to be below par while their investigation into Harry Mack's assault was at such a delicate stage.

"What about you Kate? You game for tequila?" Abbie asked, sidling up to her lover and sliding her now empty arms around the redhead's waist.

"It's not really my drink of choice…but sure, so long as it is just one or two. I have to work tomorrow too," Kate told the younger woman, unable to resist those doleful brown eyes.

"Come on Alex, or are you too chicken?" the Texan teased, toting the bottle of tequila in one hand.

"Don't try to goad me into it, Tex. You're the only one who'll regret it in the morning," Alex stated, snatching the bottle and reaching down four shot glasses.

"Alex, I'm not…" Olivia protested only to be silenced by a fierce kiss.

"Just this one," the blonde insisted, "then you can switch back to beer or water or whatever you want to drink."

Abbie coughed and sniggered, "whipped," coughing again for good measure. Her mood sobered a little as Kate fixed her with a firm stare. "Sorry, honey," she tried, hopefully.

"If you weren't taller than me, I'd put you over my knee and spank you for that kind of childish behaviour, Abigail Carmichael." Kate watched in fascination as a deep rosy hue flushed through Abbie's face at the threat. She vowed to file that information away for exploring at a later date, when they didn't have an amused audience watching on.

"Umm…let's take this through to the lounge and sit down shall we?" Olivia said, effectively breaking the sudden heavily laced tension in the room.

"Good idea," Alex agreed, hurrying from the room lest her own thrill of excitement at the idea be exposed.

"Yeah, good plan," Abbie called as she too fled the room, taking the bottle and glasses with her.

Kate and Olivia looked at one another and laughed, shaking their heads in disbelief at the two younger women's reactions.

"Kids eh?" Kate chuckled before shuffling after her lover, their hostess trailing in her wake.

"I think that went well tonight," Alex announced, pouring four generous shots of the clear alcohol into the small glasses on the coffee table in front of her. "Everyone seemed to have a good time."

"Yeah, even Stabler seemed to leave his attitude at the door," Abbie agreed, sweeping up two of the drinks and handing one off to Kate who took a seat beside her on the couch.

Liv sunk to the floor at Alex's feet, wanting to be close to her lover despite her having chosen to sit in one of the arm chairs. "When he's not tired or stressed, he's ok. He's no saint, but then none of us are and recently I have asked him to challenge a lot of things he's believed for a long time."

Alex leant forward, over Olivia's head and pulled the remaining shots towards her, passing on to the submissively seated brunette before raising the other high in a toast. "Here's to Olivia's new home, to our relationships and to friendships that will hopefully last for many years."

There was a chorus of 'cheers' from the gathered group followed by deep swallowing and the sharp intake of breath from a non-seasoned tequila drinker. Abbie clapped Kate on the back, aiming to help her lover recover from the burn of the powerful alcohol. Liv slid her glass back onto the coffee table, leaning back against the edge of the chair and almost purring with pleasure as Alex's fingers slipped into her hair, massaging her scalp lightly. As Alex too put her empty glass aside, her newly free hand joined the other at her lover's shoulders. Skilfully, she began to knead the knots out of tight muscles, knots which had formed during a tense week of investigating man's depravity towards one another.

Abbie and Kate watched the casually intimate scene, settling against one another more solidly as the mood turned to one of relaxed easiness. The brunette's hand found its way onto Kate's quivering thigh, their eyes locking as their earlier tensions and concerns receded.

"God you have amazing hands," Liv groaned, mindless of how her words might sound until peals of laughter met her ears.

"Take it to the bedroom," Abbie quipped, reaching for the bottle and pouring herself another shot of tequila.

Alex briefly paused her ministrations to offer her own glass for a refill too, slamming the shot back before returning her attention to her pliant lover's shoulders and neck, working her way gradually up into Olivia's hair to stimulate her scalp. "I think we're quite happy where we are, right Liv?"

"Mmmm," the detective hummed contentedly. There was a good chance she would have agreed to anything Alex said if it meant she kept up the wonderful massage.

"Stop teasing them," Kate ordered, playfully pushing Abbie's shoulder which resulted in a teasing wrestling match on the sofa.

"Want me to tease you instead?" Abbie murmured huskily as she pinned the older woman back against the upright cushion.

"Now who needs to take it to the bedroom?" Alex catcalled from across the room. She watched as Abbie stole a kiss from the redhead before sitting on her own cushion once more.

"Bite me, Cabot," the sultry brunette retorted.

"Nuh-uh, the only one she'll be doing that to is me, Carmichael," Olivia announced, eyes still closed, head lolling gently against Alex's knee from her position between the blonde attorney's feet. Softer laughter met her ears this time…or perhaps it just sounded quieter as she sank deeper and deeper into the haze Alex's fingertips against her scalp were creating.

"You mind if we call it a night?" Abbie asked, feeling the alcohol buzzing in her veins, giving her the courage to ask the question which had been eating at her.

"Course not," Liv replied, raising her head and offering a genuine smile to her friend, understanding that she was anxious to get Kate alone. "Sleep well and help yourself to anything you need."

"Thanks. Sweet dreams, you two. See you in the morning," the Texan stated, pulling herself up from the couch and holding out her hand to a bemused Kate, who had no idea what had triggered the sudden urgency in her lover.

Alex patted Olivia's shoulders, urging her to climb into the armchair with her. "Come and cuddle with me for a while," she instructed.

"Only if you're on top," Liv argued softly, not willing to risk injuring the younger woman's still healing scars.

They arranged themselves within the confines of the seat, Alex draped across Olivia's lap, cheek resting against the detective's crown. Arms were wound around one another, each of them content to simply revel in the press of body against body, neither needing anything more.

"Does tequila make you tired?" Kate enquired as Abbie closed the bedroom door behind her, each of them having changed into their respective sleepwear.

"No…I just…wanted you to myself for a while before we have to sleep," Abbie hedged, telling half the truth.

"As sweet as I find that, I'm sensing there's more to it than that. Why were you so insistent on having those shots of tequila?" Kate watched the younger woman sink to the edge of the bed, a nervous expression on her face. "Did you need it to tell me this is the end of the line for us?"

"No…not by my choice at least. Do you want it to be? I know I've not been around this last week…" Abbie began, picking at a non-existent thread on the comforter.

"I know you have a job to do here. That's not my point. Abbie, you've been…I don't know…just so quiet today. Did I…did I do something wrong? Or…or was it being at the centre again for the first time since Lola's death? Abbie…please…don't shut me out." Kate moved closer, tentatively reaching out a single hand and resting it against the brunette's thigh. Her fears were abated a small amount as Abbie placed her own hand on top of it, taking it in a gentle hold.

"I'm sorry. I know I've been short tempered and haven't been fair to you today. You're right, it is partly because of yesterday…going back to the centre. I didn't expect it to be so hard, you know, being there and Lola not being…and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have done…but I did…and for that I'm sorry. But I didn't think you'd take it to mean I didn't want to be with you. Kate, I swear, that thought never once crossed my mind." Abbie ran her free hand through her hair, puffing out her cheeks as she struggled with how to word what she actually wanted to say.

"Do you think Abbie's asked Kate yet?" Alex asked from her perch on her lover's lap.

"Well, I've not heard any squealing or screaming so I'd say possibly not," Olivia replied, letting her lips brush against the smooth column of the younger woman's neck.

"Think that bed will be christened tonight?" the blonde enquired saucily, raising her chin to allow better access to her sensitive neck.

"I hope not…I want to claim those rights myself…with a certain someone not a million miles away," Liv stated in between kisses.

"Take me to bed, Liv," Alex gasped, feeling her libido awakening like some insatiable beast which only needed the brunette's presence to spark into life.

Taking her at her word, Olivia scooped Alex into her arms and stood effortlessly from the chair, thigh and abdominal muscles strong from her workouts, lifting them smoothly. "I can't wait for this fortnight to be over," she murmured, hurrying towards her own bedroom, keen to undress the beautiful goddess in her arms.

"Me either. God, me either," Alex panted before latching her lips onto Liv's mouth and kissing her hotly. Their progress screeched to a halt just inside the bedroom door as Olivia lowered Alex to the ground and pressed her against the wall. She hungrily returned the kiss her lover had begun, allowing her hands to roam freely, caressing peaks and plains, letting her desire overrule her restraint.

The words, when they finally came, tumbled hurriedly from Abbie's lips, her anxiety and excitement at the prospect of Kate agreeing leading her to expel the question in a jumbled rush. "Kate…I don't want you to think that this is something I'm asking you lightly and I do realise that it's possibly too soon and you'll need to think about it, a lot, before giving me any kind of answer but… Do you think there's any way you might consider coming with me when I have to go back to DC?"


	74. Chapter 74

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one**_

_**Re-uploaded due to issues with incorrect dates.**_

_**I know I was evil leaving the last chapter there but it fed the beast below. There really are no excuses for this chapter except... Happy Birthday Sara (aka RealSavageLike_) Hope it lives up to your expectations ;) We'll deal with the morning after and beyond in the next chapter.**_

_**Thanks to everyone who has read, is reading, continues to read this story. Writing this for me and for all of you is getting me through some trying times right now so you are appreciated, every one of you :) I made a promise to get this up today but it's unlikely the next one will be before weekend, busy busy over the rest of this week so may not have much opportunity to work on the story. It's not been beta'd even by me so apologies for any glaring errors.**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Sunday April 19th 2009<strong>_

_**23.21**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48th Street**_

"Abbie? Are you serious? You want me to…to come to Washington with you? To what, stay for a few weeks?" Kate asked, flabbergasted. It was not what she had been expecting to hear at all, far from it. She'd suspected Abbie had already grown tired of her, decided that the relationship thing wasn't for her. Instead, she was already thinking beyond the trial, to a time when she would have to leave New York behind…and thinking of how to keep Kate in her life after that point.

"Perhaps…if that's all you feel you can commit to, at least to begin with…but I was hoping you'd maybe consider something more long term," Abbie replied seriously, angling her body towards the stunned redhead.

"Move? To DC?" Kate sought absolute unequivocal clarification, not wanting to make a fool of herself by getting the wrong end of the stick.

"Yes," the attorney confirmed, nerves kicking into a higher gear and making her fidgety. "I know it's a lot to ask…I do know that…and if you can't give me an answer now, that's ok…or if you know you definitely don't want that, just say so and I'll never bring it up again."

"I…it's not…I don't…I think I need some time to digest that you've even asked me. It's a big move, Abbie. I'd be leaving a lot of memories behind…memories I'm not sure I'm ready to walk away from, at least not yet," Kate admitted, watching with a lump in her throat as the Texan's eyes fluttered shut in an attempt to hide the flash of disappointment. Cupping the younger woman's cheek, Kate kept her own gaze steady. "It's not a no, sweetheart. It's a 'give me a little time.' Let me sleep on it, let me mull it over and really think about the consequences for me if we don't work out, okay?" Abbie nodded, eyes still closed. A single tear leaked out as the pressures and strains of the week finally caught up with her. "Oh honey," Kate murmured, gathering her into a warm, supportive embrace and holding her tightly. She felt the younger woman trembling in her arms as she gave in and leaned on her lover, emotionally as well as physically.

"I'm sorry," Abbie cried, burrowing her head into the crook of Kate's neck.

The redhead shushed her partner, soothing tender hands in sweeping strokes over the long expanse of her back. "It's ok. There's nothing to be sorry about." They remained locked in the hold, clinging to one another on the edge of the bed, drawing strength and comfort from each other.

-AOAOAO-

Alex groaned softly as Olivia peeled layers of clothing away from her body, exposing her flesh to the searing heat of her kisses. Hands teased her sensitive skin, raising gooseflesh wherever their touch drifted to.

"Fuck…" the attorney breathed as the hot cavern of Olivia's mouth closed around her naked nipple, teeth teasing the engorged nub lightly. Her hands tangled in Liv's luscious chestnut locks, holding her head to Alex's chest, demanding more of the tantalising attention she was receiving.

"I'll hurt you," the detective murmured against her breast, regret lacing her tone.

"Not if we're careful," Alex assured, having spent the week engaging in gentle stretching exercises with a view to speeding up the recovery time. She had spoken to her doctor about resuming the yoga she practiced on a regular basis, arguing her case effectively enough to convince him the more gentle exercises wouldn't harm her as long as she listened to her body. She had gone from being able to barely move her hips without some discomfort to being able to flex them almost half as well as she could before the appendicitis struck. It was still limited but she knew she would come to no real harm as long as she respected her current physical boundaries.

"I'm scared…" Olivia admitted as Alex pressed her back towards the bed, the younger woman fumbling with her belt buckle as they moved together.

"Don't be," Alex requested, unzipping her lover's pants and pushing them down over her hips, along with her cotton briefs. "I want this. I want you…tonight…now. We can do this…slow, gentle…the way it should be. The way we both want it to be."

"Alex…" Liv breathed, hands clenching at Alex's bare upper arms.

"I'm right here, sweetheart. Right here," the blonde assured, emphasizing her point by cupping one hand over the older woman's naked mound. The move earned her a sharp gasp of pleasure, tingles invading her own core which seemed to originate from her fingertips where she was making contact with the swollen, sodden lips.

"Holy sh…" Olivia's knees threatened to buckle beneath her. She groped blindly behind her for some kind of landmark. Her feet got caught in the pants still tangled around her ankles, sending her tumbling backwards. Fortunately, they were close enough to the bed for her descent to be cushioned by the plush comforter of her queen-sized bed.

"You ok there after that suave landing?" Alex teased coyly, a tiny pouting smile adorning her lips. Seeing that she had her lover's undivided attention – or rather her naked breasts did – the attorney slowly slid the zipper down on her charcoal pencil skirt, shimmying out of the silk-lined garment and allowing it to fall away from her hips. Her legs were already bare, having decided against the confines of stockings, leaving her clad solely in a pair of baby blue lacy panties.

"Oh my… Jesus you're stunning," Liv exclaimed, unable to tear her eyes away from the awe-inducing sight before her. Though not the first time she had been able to openly admire the younger woman's body, the lithe sinewy form never failed to incite her rapture.

"And you're woefully overdressed," the attorney decreed, sashaying closer and tugging at the collar of her lover's white button-down shirt. "This needs to go for a start," she announced, deft fingers making short work of the fastenings until it fell open. Between them, they shucked it from her shoulders, Alex's hands guiding it sensually down taut arms, caressing solid muscles as she went. Olivia reached for the hem of her undershirt as soon as her hands were free, tugging it up and over her head before carelessly tossing it aside.

"Better?" the brunette asked throatily, laying herself back on to bed, propped up on her elbows. The only clothing remaining was her bra and socks.

"Getting there," Alex concurred, squatting down carefully to remove the white cotton socks from her lover's feet. She took Liv's left ankle in her palm, placing tender kisses along the inside of the joint, worshipping the smooth, freshly waxed expanse of leg up to knee level before dropping back down to offer the same tender attention to the brunette's right leg. She took her time, teasing the sensitive area at the back of Olivia's knee on each limb with her lips and tongue. Her hands were never idle, offering a tender massage to the older woman's feet, alternating sides along with the rhythm of her mouth.

"Alex…" Liv moaned, squirming as her body reacted to the tender ministrations being rained down on her legs and feet. She'd never really considered herself to be a foot kinda girl before but Alex's touch was sending thrills straight to her core, enhanced by the stimulation to her knees, another area she had been unaware was so sensitive before.

Sensing that the older woman needed, and desperately wanted, more, the blonde carefully returned to her standing position. She hooked both her thumbs into the elastic of her panties and teased them down over her creamy white thighs. As they fell to her ankles, she stepped out of them and crawled onto the bed beside Olivia, in all her naked glory. The attorney encouraged Olivia to shed her bra, leaving her too completely bare. Together they lay side by side facing one another in the centre of the bed, anticipation shortening their breaths and infusing their skin with a healthy glow. Slowly, Alex inched closer, drawn by the heat of Olivia's body and the adoration in her eyes. Her modest breasts pressed against the olive-skinned woman's fuller ones, hips resting gently against the prominent bones of Liv's pelvis. Their heads were so close, lips mere millimetres apart.

"Are we really going to do this?" Liv whispered, fearful that her resolve was about to break, that she wouldn't be able to back out even if Alex said no.

Instead of words, the attorney offered her response through her actions, winding one arm around her lover's back, drawing them impossibly closer and pressing her lips to the brunette's own.

-AOAOAO-

"Abbie? Sweetheart, let's get under the covers, ok? You can stay in my arms like this all night if you want to but let's get you lying down and beneath the blankets first." Kate's voice was soothing, melodious as the brunette drifted in that comfortable place between waking and sleeping where limbs are liquid and eyelids heavy.

The attorney roused herself with some reluctance, pulling her head away from its cosy resting place and allowing herself to be manoeuvred onto the Egyptian cotton covered mattress. Kate flipped off the lamp on Abbie's side of the bed before hurrying around to climb in the other side. She plunged them into darkness, feeling the brunette's arms wrapping round her waist almost instantly as she settled onto her back.

"That's it, honey, you rest now," Kate murmured sweetly, pressing a quick kiss to Abbie's forehead and soothing a hand up and down the lean expanse of her back.

Abbie's heart clenched at the tender display of affection, fresh tears pricking her eyes as she considered the ramifications of her request. Her mind was slowly but surely convincing her that this was the end for her and Kate, that the redhead would baulk at the realities and the upheaval of moving to be with Abbie and would choose to walk away instead. With a renewed sense of desperation, she clung to her lover's body. Her lips wandered over the smooth column of Kate's neck, sleep suddenly the last thing on her mind. She worked her way up, over the older woman's jaw, seeking out her soft, pillowed lips.

"Abbie…" the redhead moaned, semi-reluctant to allow the continuation of her lover's actions but powerless to deny her body's responses. She felt a gentle kiss at the corner of her mouth, a hand trailing across her torso in search of a pliant, sensitive breast.

"Let me…" Abbie requested hoarsely, mentally adding that it was her way of saying goodbye to what they had shared, to what they could have shared had she not been so impatient, so rash. And then she was kissing Kate, fiercely pouring her desire, her sorrow, her regret into the exchange. Teeth, lips and tongue combined to drive any thought of protest from her lover's mind.

Kate's hands moved from bracing against Abbie's shoulders, attempting to ward off the advances she wasn't sure were advisable, to pulling her closer, wrapping around her torso and clinging on tightly. She returned the kiss with fervour, nipping at the brunette's lower lip and tugging on it impishly. One hand meandered upwards, winding her fingers into the luxurious dark tresses which tumbled over Abbie's shoulders.

Fingertips teased the soft skin of Kate's belly, delighting in the quivering contractions their delicate touch elicited. Abbie slid her hand upwards inside the worn sleep tee, seeking direct contact with the older woman's reactive nipple. She palmed it insistently before trapping it between long, slender fingers and rolling it, pinching it, teasing it mercilessly. If she was going to fail so spectacularly at being in a relationship, Abbie was determined that the woman writhing beneath her at least wouldn't forget her skills as a lover in a hurry.

-AOAOAO-

Alex traced the backs of her fingertips down the length of Olivia's side, following the curves and contours reverently, watching in fascination at the gooseflesh her actions aroused. "I want to know every part of you," the attorney announced, voice rough with desire. Her touch became more intense, more deliberate, her strokes longer and firmer, covering more ground, dipping perilously close to where her lover craved the contact.

"I'm yours…" Liv promised, one hand firmly gripping Alex's taut buttock, using it as leverage as her hips canted forward slightly, seeking any kind of purchase with which to create the delicious friction she needed at her core.

"Mine," Alex agreed on a growl, allowing her hand to trail along the seam where Liv's thighs were tightly clenched together. With insistent strokes, she encouraged the older woman to part her legs, directing her to remain lying on her side, facing Alex but to grant her access to the treasured jewel, glistening so enticingly.

Olivia watched in enraptured bliss as Alex mirrored her position as best she could given her physical limitations, opening herself up invitingly to the older woman's view and her touch. The sparse thatch of blonde curls at her apex was visibly darkened by the moisture pooling there already, drawing a guttural groan of desperate desire from Liv's throat.

"Touch me," Alex commanded, cupping her own palm over the brunette's sopping mound. She allowed the barest hint of pressure to part those sex-swollen lips, offering the merest suggestion of what was to come without ever providing the kind of relief being sought.

Olivia complied willingly, following suit and sliding her hand into the cleft between Alex's quivering thighs. They shared an exquisite moan of delight as contact was made. A single finger dragged lazily through the copious juices, slithering around and coating itself liberally as it explored the newly discovered territory.

Their eyes remained locked as their fingers began a slow, gentle massage of one another's most intimate regions. They shared another languid kiss, tongues deftly tangling as those questing fingers reached up, pressing into fluttering openings in a tandem, seamless movement. They swallowed one another's joyful cries as the penetration registered within them. Still their actions were measured, slow, gradually feeding the flames of their desire without succumbing to mindless, driven need.

Liv tore her lips away, sucking in gasping breaths of much needed air. "Are you ok? I'm not hurting you, am I? This isn't hurting you?" she asked, still concerned that it would be too much, too soon for the younger woman.

"This is perfect," Alex assured her lover, touched by her concern but determined to see through their union. "I'm fine," she promised before amending her statement. "I'm better than fine. I feel… you feel fantastic inside me. You're making me feel fantastic too." She flexed her arm muscles, pushing a second finger deeper into Liv's hotly clenching core.

"'Lex…" the brunette cried, instinctively bearing down on the invading digits, taking them into her as fully as she could manage. A fraction later, she too pressed an additional finger inside Alex, scissoring them as she manufactured more space in which to gently rock and thrust. "Still ok?" she checked, watching a rosy flush marching upwards across the blonde's naked chest, flooding her throat and finally overtaking the porcelain skin of her face.

"Yes," Alex hissed, wriggling her own hips slightly as she adjusted to the greater girth. As Liv's fingers withdrew from one thrust, they almost brushed against the sensitive spongy ridge within her. "Not that…not there…not yet," she panted even as her own digits sought the same region inside of Olivia.

"Too much?" Liv guessed, not stopping but taking more care to prevent any accidental contact.

"Uh-huh, I think so," the attorney replied. "All I need tonight is you…inside me, touching me, watching me, cumming with me. We've time for that later, when my body won't object to it. Tonight…tonight I just want us both to enjoy a nice, gentle orgasm together."

"I like the sound of that," Olivia admitted shyly, continuing her steady motions. She gently rolled them until Alex was lying on her back, allowing them both freer range of movement. Her head dipped, lips trailing open mouthed kisses along the younger woman's collarbone, tongue swirling teasingly in the hollow at the base of her throat.

Alex settled into her new position, enjoying the sight of the brunette hovering above her, riding her hand. It felt natural. It felt right. It felt…oh so good when the detective pushed into her just like that, especially as those skilled lips wrapped themselves around one of her engorged nipples. With her unoccupied hand now free to join in the fun, Alex reached out to cup Olivia's closest ample breast, testing its weight and texture in her hand with a gentle kneading rhythm. A low rumble vibrated through her chest, emanating from where Liv's mouth was still clamped around Alex's tender bud.

Olivia felt her lover's palm close around her generous breast, felt the pressure against her nipple as it prodded the centre of the hand now covering it. The resulting friction spiralled straight to the juncture of her thighs, unleashing a fresh flood of arousal that coated Alex's hand which was continuing to thrust into her in an easy rhythm. She tore her lips away from the blonde's chest, needing to look into those hypnotic blue eyes as they loved one another.

Alex's hand left Liv's breast, cupping around the brunette's solid shoulder instead, giving her greater leverage to push up into her partner's core without physically exerting herself beyond her boundaries. She coaxed the older woman closer and closer to her peak, feeling her own body's responses growing more pronounced too. "Fuck, Liv…" she murmured breathlessly, pupils dilating as she gazed up into hungry brown eyes.

"I believe that's what we're doing, yes," the brunette quipped, earning her a sharp pinch to the side of her neck. She yelped through a laugh in response, lowering her head to offer a consolatory kiss.

"You're wrong," Alex muttered against her lips. "This isn't fucking. This is love-making." Her thumb ghosted over the distended bundle of nerves at the top of Olivia's cleft, causing the older woman to buck upwards wildly. The motion drove Liv's own fingers a little more forcefully into Alex, drawing a sharp intake of breath and just the slightest twinge of discomfort. "Easy, tiger," she requested.

"Sorry…you just caught me by surprise there," Liv admitted, slowing her pace and easing the intensity of her thrusting once again. The thumb returned with firmer pressure, more deliberate strokes. Olivia needed every ounce of concentration to maintain her own gentle rhythm. Her own thumb came to rest alongside Alex's clit, the brunette silently seeking permission before making any definite contact with the hooded nub.

"Yes…please…" Alex begged, knowing she was tiring and wanting to tumble over the precipice in her lover's arms.

-AOAOAO-

Abbie surged forward, hips driving her fingers deeper and deeper inside Kate's tight core, grunting with the effort. The redhead moaned at the rather forceful intrusion, clinging on to her lover, helpless to do anything but accept the younger woman's attention. It wasn't unpleasant, not by any means, but it was certainly a lot less tender than their previous unions had been. She suspected that there was a deeper psychological cause behind the change, some kind of catharsis Abbie was seeking through her energetic actions. A third finger prodded at her entrance, pre-empting its inclusion in the fucking she was receiving.

"No…Abbie…too much," she whimpered, her muscles tightening in her anxiety, further confirming her fears that she wouldn't be able to take the additional penetration along with the frenzied pumping.

"You can take it," the brunette assured her, urging Kate's legs further apart to accommodate her.

"I can't…not like this. I need…gently…not so rough…if you're going to." Despite her words, Abbie continued to push desperately into her lover, coating that third finger as well as she could in the redhead's natural lubrication.

"Relax," Abbie requested, slowing her pace and adding a definite rotation to her wrist action to encourage the clenched muscles to become more malleable. "I won't do anything you don't want me to," she promised.

"Please, just…it's just a little intense for me but I want to please you…I want to be what you need. You might just have to take it a little slower for me," Kate explained, fearful of the younger woman's retreat, of letting her down and disappointing her.

"Trust me," the brunette implored, distracting her lover from the ministrations at her centre with tender caresses to her face and hair, soft kisses along her jaw interspersed with the occasional nip of teeth. All the while, she kept up a steady rocking motion, a deep pumping action in and out of Kate's damp core. She locked her lips onto the older woman's mouth, plundering her depths with a sense-stealing kiss. At the same time, she sneakily slid the third finger home, swallowing the quiet mewl it resulted in. She paused her motions, allowing the redhead's body time to adjust to the additional presence. Drawing back from the kiss, the Texan asked, "you ok with that?"

"Yeah…yes, I think so…just…be slow," Kate panted, hips beginning to rock in time with the more languid tempo her lover was setting.

Abbie allowed her desperation to recede, focusing solely on the needs of the woman below her. She maintained her pace, gazing down at the redhead who was looking back at her so intently, so lovingly. The brunette noticed a trace amount of uncertainty remaining, closing her eyes in despair at the knowledge she had put it there, both with her words and her subsequent actions.

Kate watched Abbie's eyes flutter shut but not before she saw the flash of self-loathing in them. Reaching out, she cupped the Texan's cheeks in both hands, stroking them softly with her thumbs. "Sweetheart, look at me," she encouraged but only received a negative shake of the head in response. "Please, Abbie. Open your eyes and stay here, stay in the moment with me." A single tear leaked from Abbie's eye, trickling over her cheek, snaking its way beneath Kate's fingers. "Oh honey…" Kate cried as the brunette's movements all but stilled inside her. "Talk to me. Please, tell me what's going on in your head."

Rather than answering, Abbie extracted her fingers from within Kate's core, rolling over onto her back, head turned away. But the older woman wasn't prepared to let her withdraw so completely, following her physically, even when Abbie turned again to face the opposite wall. Kate spooned in behind her, grabbing hold of her in a firm embrace and refusing to be shrugged off. She could feel Abbie's body trembling with barely concealed sobs and despite not knowing what exactly was haunting the younger woman, she held her, whispering soothing words into her ear, over and over until she was hopeful Abbie was asleep.

-AOAOAO-

Alex felt her muscles contracting powerfully around the intruding fingers, clamping down on them and trapping them inside her. Seconds later, she felt Olivia's react similarly around her own fingers, spasming frantically as the blonde continued to deftly brush her thumb across the distended bundle of nerves, milking the older woman's orgasm for all it was worth. Their lips closed around one another's, muffling but not quite sealing in their mutual cries of ecstasy. They basked in their shared climax, Alex's free hand holding Olivia's cheek as tears of happiness spilled from her eyes.

"I love you, Olivia Benson," she choked, overcome with emotion.

Gently, Liv eased her fingers from within her lover, stealing another quick kiss to smother the whimper of regret the move elicited. "I love you too, Alex. I love you, so much, and this, tonight, sharing what we just have…it's right up there with _the_ most incredible, most memorable, most special moments of my life." She gathered the overwhelmed blonde into a tender embrace, hissing as Alex flexed the fingers still resting inside of her. She pressed another languid kiss to Alex's receptive lips, feeling a lazy grin stretch those same lips beneath hers moments before the mischievous attorney resumed her pushing motion inside Olivia's hypersensitive core. "I don't think I can go again yet," she begged, hips canting forward in time to the movements in spite of her objections.

"Your body seems to think otherwise," Alex purred huskily, revelling in the feeling of quivering muscles pliant in parting to accommodate her intruding fingers. "Ride me, sweetheart," she directed, reaching down and interlocking her fingers with one of her lover's hands, strengthening their connection as well as making it clear that this time was all about Olivia. She braced the back of her hand against the thigh Liv was straddling, watching in wonder as the older woman began to rock and swirl her hips around the digits within her. Alex curled those fingers, regularly rubbing the swollen spongy ridge inside, driving Olivia ever onwards towards a second pinnacle.

"Oh God…" the brunette gasped as a strong thumb flattened itself atop her clit, joining in the intimate massage. Alex' name was torn from the detective's throat as she came, a hoarse, guttural cry of reverent delight.

-AOAOAO-

"Sounds like someone's having a good night, at least." Abbie's quiet voice startled Kate almost as much as the faint resonant cry sounding from the next bedroom had.

"I thought you were asleep," the redhead stated, choosing to ignore the Texan's comment for the moment.

"My brain won't let me," Abbie admitted with a huff, still facing away from her lover and refusing to look at her in her embarrassment. "I'm sorry," she murmured.

"What for?" the older woman asked, genuinely confused about exactly which part of their alone time the US Attorney was apologising for.

"For expecting so much of you. For being so rough with you. For…not finishing what I started." Well that at least answered Kate's silent question. Everything about their evening, from when they had left the company of others, seemed to be troubling her lover.

"Firstly, you're not expecting too much. Yes, you asking me to come with you to DC was a surprise but I'm not completely against the idea. Even if I don't come straight away, even if I decide I need for us to find a way to make it work with me here and you there for a while, I do want to make it work…for as long as you do. Secondly, if I had been that uncomfortable with how you were touching me, I'd have shut you down altogether. When I asked you to go slower, to be more gentle, you were. Nothing about that hurt me. Nothing about it was anything I wasn't willing to share with you. But honey, I'd still like to know what prompted it? You seemed so…It didn't seem to be coming from somewhere you could control. What was in your mind? Please, Abbie, don't push me away because I'm not going anywhere. Not without you. So you might as well save your energy for more pleasurable pursuits and just talk to me." As she spoke, Kate coaxed the younger woman to roll over onto her back, to stop hiding from her.

"I…I can't explain why…but I…I needed to make sure you wouldn't forget me, no matter what you decide. I needed…to have you one last time," Abbie croaked, pausing intermittently as she searched for the right words, the right phrasing.

"Which of us is it that you have so little faith in?" Kate asked, no hint of recrimination in her tone, just a gentle exasperation.

"Me," the brunette admitted meekly.

"Why?" Kate asked, shocked that her lover had admitted it so freely.

"Because…because I almost cheated on you this week. And I knew I'd have to be honest with you about that, for you to be able to make an informed decision about what you were getting yourself into. I know I don't have any right to expect anything from you, not if I obviously can't be faithful to you." Abbie made to move away again, her shame colouring her cheeks but was prevented by the redhead's hold on her.

"How do you almost cheat on someone?" Kate asked, hurt by the revelation but swallowing her initial instinct to close down and retreat before 'almost' became 'again'.

"I bumped into someone…a woman I've hooked up with a few times when I've been here on business. She invited me back to her place…and I went. I knew what she wanted, what she expected of me and I went anyway. Nothing happened, I couldn't do it. As soon as she tried to kiss me, I pushed her away and left. When you called…I just couldn't speak to you. I must have showered four times that night but nothing washed the guilt, the hate I felt towards myself, off me." Abbie looked desperately into pained emerald eyes. "And now you know… That's why I wanted to say goodbye, to have one last time with you…because I know you deserve better than that, better than me. I should never have asked you. It was selfish. I'm sorry."

"So let me get this right: you had the opportunity to sleep with someone else, someone you have history with but you turned her down out of deference to me, to our relationship. Does that cover it?" Kate glossed over the fact that Abbie had accepted the invitation to a woman's apartment knowing that it would undoubtedly end in sex, choosing instead to focus on the fact that she hadn't gone through with it.

"But I thought about it…" the attorney protested.

"Oh honey, if that's all it took for any of us to commit infidelity, there's not a single person on earth who's faithful. How many times do you see people on the street or on television or in films who you think you'd sleep with given the opportunity? Is imagining yourself with them any different than thinking about sleeping with someone you know has satisfied your needs in the past but not actually acting on it?" Kate pressed her lips to Abbie's, feeling the brunette remain resistant beneath her. "You're not a bad person, Abbie, not even a bad girlfriend…though if it'd make you feel better, I could still go through with my threat earlier to put you over my knee and spank you," the older woman jested, determined to make her lover realise that she wasn't about to hold the near-miss against her.

"How can you be so glib about it?" Abbie asked, ignoring the redhead's attempts to cajole her with humour.

"Because one of us has to keep this in perspective. You made a mistake, and if you'd actually gone through with it, believe me this conversation would already be over. But you're human and there are going to be times when we do things we regret, things that hurt one another without meaning to. If either of us called it a day at the first thing that went a little bit wrong, how much would we miss out on? Not to mention, you've said yourself, this is your first real relationship. No one gets everything one hundred percent right the first time. Being in a partnership takes work, it takes practice. I'm not expecting you to be the perfect partner, Abbie. Please, stop expecting so much of yourself." Kate stroked her hand down the side of the brunette's face, letting her eyes clear of everything except the adoration she had come to feel for the woman lying beside her.

"I'm sorry," Abbie moaned again only to be silenced by two fingers pressed against her lips. Those fingers were soon removed but replaced by Kate's own mouth, kissing her with a gentle reverence she scarcely felt she deserved but willingly lapped up anyway.

"Don't be sorry…just try not to do it again, next time temptation comes calling. And right now, why don't you let me show you exactly why you have no need to look elsewhere for any physical need that require attention." Kate began trailing kisses down the side of Abbie's long, lean neck, hands trailing over her body, offering reassuring caresses.

"I don't want anyone else…" the brunette murmured, voice tight as her arousal began a steady ascent under her lover's ministrations.

"I'm very glad to hear it," the older woman whispered, teasing Abbie's sleep t-shirt up to allow her access to her luscious body. "I don't want anyone else either, honey," she mumbled around a rigid nipple, swatting the Texan's hands away as she tried to touch her. "I just want to love you."

Abbie lay back, submitting to the redhead's will, allowing her free access to her body as she felt the small tears in her soul begin to heal themselves.

-AOAOAO-

As soon as the covers were pulled over them, Alex and Olivia gravitated back towards one another. They lay on their sides in the middle of the bed, bodies entwined, arms wrapped around each other. Their mouths met in a series of languid kisses, their intent nothing more than to bask in the moment, in the afterglow of their lovemaking. The kisses continued, gradually growing softer, less definite as each gave into the need to rest. They fell asleep, sharing a pillow, faces pressed close together, barely a fraction of a gap between any parts of their bodies. As the waking world receded, tender smiles accompanied them into slumber, a contentment neither knew they would find blanketing them.

-AOAOAO-

Abbie pressed her fist against her mouth, attempting to stifle her cries as Kate's mouth teased her over the edge of her climax and sent her hurtling headlong into a second explosive orgasm before she had had chance to recover from the first. Weakly, she nudged the redhead away from her oversensitive cleft, unable to withstand any more of the exquisite attention.

Kate crawled back up the bed, dragging the blankets with her and settling beside her spent lover with a self-satisfied grin. She curled into the younger woman's body, snuggling in close, eyes drifting shut.

"Don't you want me to…" Abbie husked, making a move to extract herself from partially beneath the relaxed redhead.

"There's nothing I need right now except your arms around me and a few hours sleep," Kate assured her, nuzzling her head beneath Abbie's proud chin, possessively cupping one hand over the brunette's right breast.

With an adoring smile, Abbie kissed the top of Kate's head and relaxed fully into the embrace. "I can't promise anything on the sleep front, a lot of that will depend on the noisy neighbours, but I think I can manage the holding you thing."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday April 20th 2009<strong>_

_**03.47**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48th Street**_

Alex lay on her side, propped up on one elbow looking down at her steadily slumbering lover. At some point during the night, Liv had rolled onto her back, limbs falling spread-eagled across her side of the bed. The brunette's head was still turned to face Alex, as though even in sleep, she couldn't bear to look away. Her mouth hung slightly open, features the most relaxed that Alex had ever seen on the older woman. It was a sight which tugged at the attorney's heart. Her brain was too keyed up to let her get back to sleep so she was indulging in one of her guilty pleasures and watching the woman she loved without fear of censure. Lightly, she traced random patterns with the tip of one fingertip across Olivia's upper chest, enjoying the trail of goosebumps left in her wake despite the detective not being conscious of her actions. She dragged her finger further down, dipping into the cleft between Liv's ample breasts and teasing the baby-soft skin there. Faint murmurs made her pause, fearing that she had awoken her lover long before she intended to. As she paid attention, she could vaguely make out Abbie's hoarse voice calling out. It didn't take a high IQ to realise what was going on in the next room and the knowledge that the other two women were participating in some nocturnal activities did little to deter her from her own ventures. Lowering her head, she followed the same path her fingers had taken with her mouth, placing gentle kisses along the valley at the centre of her lover's chest. She deliberately ignored the sensitive nipples which were already showing signs of a reaction, though whether that was from the feel of Alex's lips or from the cool early morning air the blonde couldn't be sure. She continued on a southward path swirling her tongue around the rim of her slumbering lover's navel a few times before dipping into it in a teasing preview of what she intended to do once she reached her desired destination. She slunk beneath the tangled blankets at Olivia's waist, carefully nestling between the older woman's open legs and nuzzling the enticing apex. She breathed in the heady aroma of Liv's unique scent, drinking in the intoxicating perfume and allowing it to draw her closer, to reel her in. With a carefully controlled grip, she anchored listless hips to the mattress before lowering her head and delivering a most intimate, loving kiss.

"Alex?" Liv's confused voice murmured, hands reaching out blindly as she lingered on the brink between sleeping and waking. Her body was hot and infused with a desire only one woman could satiate. The memory of her dream was vivid in her mind, leading her to still feel Alex's lips on her, that skilful tongue devouring her. And then she realised that it was no dream, that the attorney's head was indeed currently buried between her thighs, lavishing gentle attention upon her saturated sex. The sensation of a tongue entering her tipped her fully into a wakened state. One hand fisted the pliant fabric of the pillow beneath her head, the other resting against the lump in the blankets which she could only assume was the top of Alex's head.

Alex grinned to herself as she felt Olivia growing ever more aware of what was being done to her body, re-doubling her efforts to send her spinning into oblivion once more. The hips beneath her palms began to squirm restlessly as teeth, tongue and lips all came into play, nibbling, stroking and sucking on the highly sensitive flesh all around Liv's core. She tightened her grip as she pushed her tongue inside, suspecting her lover would react strongly…and she wasn't disappointed. She felt her head being held in place by an unseen hand, cradling her there and encouraging her closer still. The trembling thighs either side of her head spread a little further, accommodating Alex's lithe form easily. Alex somewhat reluctantly extracted her tongue from its fiery cavern, lapping all around at the rapidly flowing juices, greedily devouring them as quickly as they appeared. She heard the quiet whimper of protest from above and needed no further encouragement to grant her lover the release she was already desperate for. With the determination she exhibited in so many facets of her life, Alex honed in on Olivia's clit, teasing it out from beneath its protective sheath and exposing it, ripe and ready for her undivided attention.

A vein throbbed at Olivia's temple as lips fastened directly around her clitoris, blood rushing and pounding through her ears. She felt like she might literally burst if she didn't cum soon such was the intensity of what she was feeling. The regular, rhythmic suckling which Alex initiated was maddeningly close to be enough and yet not quite sufficient for Liv to climax, a fact she tried to make known through her incomprehensible mewls and firmer pressure against Alex's head. The pulsating draw was interspersed with rapid flicks directly atop the straining bundle of nerves with a devilishly fast tongue. And then Olivia was falling, tumbling, spiralling out of control as her muscles contracted harshly, jerking her up off the bed. A loud, sharp cry was ripped from her, almost perfectly in unison with Abbie's own ecstatic call from the next room. Liv fell back to the mattress, breathing hard, her senses reeling from having been woken so deliciously. She turned her head, squinting at the clock as she regained some semblance of sanity, groaning as she saw the earliness of the hour.

"You're going to be the death of me, aren't you?" she mumbled as Alex reappeared beside her, face glistening from the meal she had just enjoyed.

"I hope not," the attorney rejoined, letting the brunette kiss her deeply, the taste of herself tempting and tantalising Olivia. "I'm sorry I woke you…but not for the way I woke you," the impish younger woman announced, draping herself back against Liv's side and settling down, ready to sleep once more.

"I'll remind you of this in the morning, when you're reluctant to get up for work," Liv promised on a chuckle, eyes fluttering shut.

"I don't think I'll be the only one who's unhappy to see morning come," Alex stated, dragging the covers up over them with one hand, cocooning them in a comforting warmth.

"No, I suspect you might be right about that," Olivia agreed, pressing a final kiss to her lover's brow before giving into sleep once more.


	75. Chapter 75

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Re-uploaded due to errors with dates.**_

_**Finally, a new chapter is up! It's a mad old week and just getting busier! I'm at the office from 8.20am today until around 11pm tonight! Stocking up on highly caffeinated drinks to get me through it! Anyway, glad you all enjoyed that little change from angst ;) Apologies if this one's not up to standard, it's been tough finding more than five minutes at a time to get anything written - hence the longer than usual gap between updates. I can't lie, it might be another week before I can update again too. The rest of this week's looking hectic and my weekend is fully booked as well! Where's my nice quiet life gone?**_

_**Thanks to all of you who have read, I appreciate your time and trouble and to those who have let me know their thoughts, I send huge plates of cybercookies to you all. Svuluvr4life and thanks for reading and great to have you onboard - well done for ploughing through so many chapters! JRBenson I'm guessing that last installment may now be bookmarked too? ;) AnywhereElse, I hate mornings too! Mornings are evil and should be banished! Apologies to those who have reviewed and messaged me to say I induced a strong desire to smoke after reading that last chapter, especially for those of you who don't normally smoke! Lol. I suppose I'd have to give you fair warning then that the beginning of this picks up where the last left off! Probably not safe to read at work but if you're feeling daring, give it a go ;)**_

_**Right, that's my 5 min break from work done so I'll get on with uploading this and then crack on with this mad job of mine. Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday April 20th 2009<strong>_

_**07.27**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48th Street**_

A firm knock on the door roused Olivia from her happily dozing state, hauling her out from beneath the last vestiges of the wonderful dream she'd been reluctant to let go of.

"Benson, you two decent in there? I got coffee but I'm not entering 'til I know it's safe," Abbie's chirpy voice called through the wooden partition.

Liv cracked an eye open, checking how well she and Alex were covered up before answering. "Yeah…we're…uh…nothing's showing you shouldn't be seeing." She let her head flop back against the pillow, eyes drooping shut once more.

With a rough, grating laugh, the Texan pushed open the bedroom door, two steaming cups clenched in one hand. "Since there were no signs of life, I thought I'd better come and check you were awake," she explained as she slid one mug onto the cabinet on Olivia's side of the bed, and then made her way around to where Alex was steadfastly refusing to acknowledge that morning had arrived from her position sprawled on her stomach, head on Olivia's chest, arm possessively wrapped around the brunette's waist.

"What time is it?" Liv asked drowsily, not yet focusing well enough to read the numbers on the clock beside her.

"Coming up on a half past seven," Abbie supplied, watching with amusement as the older woman started at the news.

With a groan, the detective grumbled, "I must have forgotten to set the alarm."

"Yeah, I guess you were a little distracted last night…and in the early hours of this morning," the visitor teased, blushing as she recalled how she had heard Olivia climaxing almost in tandem with herself, realising that her own cries must have been equally as audible.

"Distracted is one way of putting it, yeah," Liv agreed, gazing fondly down at her lover's golden mane, splayed decadently across her chest, a stark contrast to her olive-toned skin. "And unless I was imagining things, I'm not the only one who had an eventful night." The brunette chuckled as she watched Abbie's skin flush, her dark colouring doing little to hide it.

"What can I say? Guess we're both lucky to have such amazing women by our sides," the attorney purred, stretching out her muscles which ached deliciously from the workout they had been given.

"Yes, we are," Olivia agreed sincerely through a wide yawn. Her hand lazily drew circles over Alex's back, idly caressing her without thought to what she was doing.

"I'll leave you to wake sleeping beauty up. Once bitten, twice shy. Alex Cabot before coffee is a scary enough prospect without adding sleep deprivation into the mix!" The willowy brunette darted for the door comically, beating a hasty retreat as the continued conversation caused the reluctant riser in question to stir.

Olivia's attention turned solely to her lover, her caresses becoming more focused, more deliberate as she coaxed the younger woman to full wakefulness. "Good morning," she murmured sweetly, pressing a soft kiss to Alex's forehead.

"It can't be," the adorably grizzly blonde grimaced in response. "Too early," she protested, attempting to snuggle back down into her bedmate's shoulder.

"I wish it was. I wish I had time to enjoy this…waking up with you in leisurely fashion after last night…but Al, it's nearly 7.30. We need to get moving or we'll be late for work," Olivia informed her remorsefully. Stifling a chuckle as Alex jerked away from her, fixing the clock with an accusatory glare.

"What? Oh God! First day back and I'm going to be late. That's really going to please McCoy. I'll never hear the end of it. He's insufferable enough at the best of times without me giving him ammunition to fire at me. What happened to the alarm? I never heard it go off," the attorney rambled, diving from the bed and flinging open Olivia's closet. Hurriedly, she extracted the clothing she had brought with her for the day, tossing it onto the bed and turning her attention to her overnight bag which contained her underwear and hose.

Olivia's mouth went dry, all moisture fleeing southwards at the sight of Alex Cabot, buck naked and bent at the waist, displaying herself unconsciously to the brunette's hungry eyes. The younger woman seemed completely unaware of her state of undress…until she turned around to investigate why the detective hadn't responded to her. The dilated pupils and ravenous expression caused Alex to look down at herself, blushing slightly as she realised quite how unhindered a view she had just treated her partner to.

"Why Detective, do you like what you see?" Impishly, Alex cocked her hip slightly, bracing one hand against it in an enticing pose, encouraging the older woman's hungry gaze to sweep over her nude form.

"I'd have thought that much was obvious last night," Liv replied, voice so deep it vibrated inside Alex's chest, sending shivers chasing up and down her spine. "God I wish we had time…"

"…but we don't," Alex completed her thought, her own tone and expression clearly telegraphing she shared the brunette's wish. "Although…we could save time by showering together," she suggested shyly, knowing they would undoubtedly end up being even later if they continued their flirtation.

"We could. In fact, we probably should…or else one of us will be going without," Liv stated, surging from the bed and advancing towards the attorney who squealed in surprise at the sudden move. "Ssshh," Olivia warned urgently, smothering any further sounds with a solid kiss.

"Shower…now," Alex ordered gruffly, pushing her lover towards the en suite. She reached for the switch and turned the cascade on, adjusting the temperature efficiently despite having to bat away wandering hands more than once. As those hands latched on to her breasts, she gave up trying to deter her frisky girlfriend, deciding it would be more expedient to simply allow her to have her fun. Together they staggered forward into the gently warming spray, Olivia still wrapped around Alex's slender body from behind.

"Let me wash you," the brunette requested, already reaching for the shower gel Alex preferred.

"Liv…" Alex whimpered, knowing she should fight it given their current time constraints but relishing the tender loving care her partner wished to offer her.

Suds-filled hands began a thorough journey across the almost flawless plains over the attorney's upper back and shoulders, sliding ever downwards until they began to massage her firm buttocks. Alex's hands braced against the back wall of the shower cubicle, her head automatically falling backwards to rest on Liv's shoulder.

"You have an amazing body, Ms Cabot," Olivia murmured, capturing the closest earlobe between her front teeth and tugging on it in a gentle, playful fashion. Her hands slid around Alex's hips, reaching once again for the shower gel but this time aiming it for the front of her lover's body, depositing a generous amount onto her modest chest. She swiftly followed it with her palms, working the cleansing soap into the smooth, pliant flesh to create a rich, aromatic lather. Liv took care to avoid rubbing directly over Alex's healing scars, attending to the region with caution. She massaged soap down each arm, sensually gliding over the rosy-hued flesh. When she was satisfied the upper portion of her lover was suitably clean, the brunette took the bottle of gel and dropped to her knees, intent on administering the same treatment to the athletic, toned legs tensely poised to keep the younger woman upright. She kept her strokes light enough to tease but firm enough to be effective in washing away the remnants of the sweat they had worked up during the night, beginning at Alex's ankles and slowly, deliberately circling her way up to shaking thighs. With gentle insistence, Liv urged the attorney's legs wider apart before squeezing a final, smaller dollop of the delicately scented soap into her palm. Resuming her ministrations at her lover's quivering inner thighs, Olivia lathered up the intimate area, making sure to thoroughly cleanse the region. She found Alex wet and wanting, her core fluttering in invitation to be penetrated but Liv restrained herself - barely, wanting nothing more than to take the gorgeous goddess right there and then but stopping in deference to their mutual need to attend work. Instead, she rinsed away the soapy residue, which hadn't already been sluiced away from the length of Alex's lean legs, with a flannel, finalising her gentle bathing with tender swipes through the drenched, sensitive cleft.

Throughout the wash, Alex had clenched her teeth, body alive with dancing nerve-endings, all firing messages to the hooded nub nestled amongst her folds. She throbbed with need and desire as Olivia stood tall once again behind her, easing water over her shoulders and back to make sure all the shower gel was rinsed away. "God Liv…" she panted, her own hand drifting away from the wall and down towards her core, knowing it would take very little to tip her over the edge.

"Ah-ah," Olivia warned, capturing the straying limb in a gentle yet firm hold and guiding it down to her side, away from where she needed the contact so very badly. "You still need to be careful, sweetheart. I don't want you hurting yourself. Let me quickly finish up my shower then, if you still need it, I'll take care of that for you." Without waiting for a response, Liv manoeuvred Alex around until she was propped in the corner, facing her lover, watching on with rapt attention as the brunette speedily saw to her own ablutions.

The water stopped abruptly as Liv switched off the shower. Alex's breath sounded loud in her own ears in the sudden stillness of the bathroom as her chest heaved with want. Goosebumps chased along her fair skin, reacting to a combination of the cool air evaporating the residual water clinging to her flesh and the anticipation of Olivia's offer to 'take care' of her.

"We'll have to be quick," the brunette cautioned, a slight frown of concern marring her features as she assessed the desperate need her lover was displaying and tallying that against the physical exertion alleviating her arousal would induce.

"It will be, it won't take much," Alex husked, a fresh wave of excitement flowing through her at the thought of receiving her partner's loving attention once again. She allowed herself to be led from the shower cubicle, melting a little as the older woman took great care to wrap her into a warm, fluffy towel to keep her from getting chilled.

"Sit here," Liv directed, manoeuvring the blonde onto the closed lid of the toilet, which she had also covered in a towel to make it more comfortable for her partner. Alex offered her a confused glance but complied, trusting the detective to keep her word. Olivia's intentions became much clearer as she coaxed Alex into spreading her legs as she herself dropped to her knees between the newly opened thighs. As she leaned closer, the brunette's wet hair brushed against Alex's inner thighs, it's coolness a stark contrast to her overheated skin and adding a new sensation.

"Ohhhhh Liv…" Alex groaned, canting her hips forward as much as she dared, opening herself to her lover.

"Easy sweetheart," Liv murmured, lips caressing the smooth, pale skin of the younger woman's quivering thigh as she kissed her way to her centre. She purred contentedly as fingers wound their way into her hair, tugging her closer to where they both wanted her mouth to be. The brunette breathed in the combined scent of the freshly rinsed shower gel and the underlying aroma that was uniquely and unmistakably Alex Cabot.

The first touch of Olivia's mouth against her saturated sex was almost enough to tip Alex over the precipice of her orgasm, a fact which ordinarily would have embarrassed her but she was currently too worked up to care. A deft tongue snaked out from between full lips, teasing its way up her cleft from her spasming entrance to just shy of her engorged clit. The aborted contact ripped a frustrated cry from her throat. "Please…" she begged, desperately needing her lover's touch.

On hearing the whimpered plea, Olivia took pity on the squirming young woman, pushing her tongue into Alex's core and lapping at her freely-flowing juices. The taste was exquisite, an addictive blend of succulent flavours which immediately captivated Liv and kept her delving deeper and deeper in search of more. She moaned into the flesh at her lips, steadily becoming drunk on the delicious nectar, the vibrations from her voice stimulating Alex's body to produce even more lubrication. She flicked her eyes upwards, seeking out her lover's face. The enraptured expression the blonde wore spurred her on to guide Alex over the edge of her orgasm as gently as she could. She snaked one hand upwards, easing beneath the towel still slung around the attorney's shoulders until she found a pert, responsive breast. It fit perfectly into her palm, nipple proudly pressing against the slightly calloused hand, a prominent illustration of Alex's arousal. Reluctantly dragging her tongue away from the source of her new favourite flavour, Liv trailed upwards towards the throbbing bundle of nerves, lightly flicking across its surface in a repetitive motion designed to draw out the younger woman's climax.

Alex's hands fisted more tightly in Olivia's damp hair, anchoring her as her internal muscles began to spasm with the impending orgasm. She cried out, none too quietly, as she rode the waves of her release, appreciating how Liv's hand moved to rest at the back of her hip on the side of her operation, attempting to support her as best she could to prevent any discomfort. That skilled tongue continued to clean Alex's netherlips of her juices, lapping up as much as she could so Alex wouldn't have to shower all over again. After a few more minutes of the loving attention, the attorney tugged Liv's head away from her, spent and sated as her orgasm's aftershocks subsided. "Mmmm…" she purred, drawing the older woman upwards for a kiss, startled by just how erotic it was tasting herself on Liv's lips and tongue. "Please tell me I'll see you later," she requested as they broke for air.

"I certainly hope you will," the detective replied, regretfully pushing herself to her feet and moving towards the sink to continue her morning routine, knowing they were pushing it even closer to the wire for getting to work on time following their very pleasant 'distraction'.

"Well you have a key to my apartment. If you're not too tired when you do get away from work, you're welcome to come over, even if it's late," Alex advised, remaining seated, not yet sure her legs had the strength to hold her upright.

"Same goes for you, sweetheart. You have a key to this place too. I'll call you when I know how my day's going and we can take it from there, yeah?" Liv suggested, pausing with her toothbrush midway to her mouth and locking eyes with her young lover through the mirror above the sink. Alex smiled and nodded, finally hauling herself to her feet to begin getting herself ready to face the day.

Walking behind her naked lover, the attorney raked her fingers through luxurious chestnut locks, attempting to tame them from their sex-mussed state, a direct result of Alex's actions. Liv sighed into the gentle touch letting it linger for long moments before reluctantly pulling away to rinse her mouth of the foamy toothpaste. As she stood up again, she felt her lover wrap her arms around her waist from behind, pressing into her body and dropping a sweet, loving kiss to the back of her shoulder.

"Thank you…for last night, this morning…for everything. For possibly the first time in my life, I wish I didn't have to go to work. I wish we could spend today here, together, alone. I love you, so much," the lithe blonde stated, contentment and adoration colouring her tone.

"I love you too, 'Lex. When the trial's over and everything settles down again, maybe we can look into taking a few days off together," Olivia replied sincerely, leaning back into the embrace and craning her head back to meet her partner's lips for a brief, chaste kiss.

-AOAOAO-

"Will you call me later, when you know what time you'll be finishing work?" Kate requested as she stood in Abbie's loose embrace by the front door, watching with fascination as Abbie's eyes continually flickered down to the V-shaped gap at the front of her uniform shirt, trying to glimpse the generous cleavage beyond the cotton barrier.

"I will…and then I'll treat you to dinner some place tonight since I can't promise I'll have much in the way of free time once the trial starts tomorrow. If it's too late to take you out for a meal, I'll grab us takeout and we can either eat at yours…or you're welcome to join me in my hotel room. It's not much but…I just feel like I always invade your place." Abbie smiled nervously at her girlfriend as she extended the invitation, hoping it would be taken in the spirit in which it was meant.

"Abbie…I'm…wow. I know you don't take women back to 'your place' no matter where that is. Hearing you say that, knowing what it must take for you to even consider it… I'm touched beyond words and I really, genuinely do appreciate the gesture. That said, I honestly don't mind you coming to my apartment, any time…all the time, if you wanted a base that was a little more homely than a hotel," Kate suggested, having pondered over inviting Abbie to stay with her until she had to return to Washington long and hard during the early hours of the morning after the Texan had fallen asleep.

"Kate? Are you… Do you mean all the time, as in _all_ the time? As in, move out of the hotel? And stay at your apartment instead?" the US Attorney asked, wanting to be absolutely clear about what was being proposed, even if it did risk making her look like an ass if she'd grasped the wrong end of the stick.

"Yes, that's exactly what I mean. Call it a trial run, a chance to see how we function living together. It'll give me a better chance to make a fully informed decision before I commit to coming with you to Washington," Kate replied with a hopeful smile.

Abbie fixed the older woman with an assessing stare, weighing up the sincerity of the offer. "Let me think it over and we'll talk about it tonight, okay?"

"Of course. I'd rather you made a considered decision than a snap one and I'm not about to put any kind of deadline on the offer so take all the time you need," Kate advised softly, reaching up to press a chaste kiss against Abbie's cheek. Movement caught her eye over the taller woman's shoulder, her face breaking into a grin as she saw Alex and Olivia walk into the hallway hand in hand. The smile caused Abbie to spin around to face her friends.

"Well, somebody's looking radiant this morning," the Texan quipped with a low whistle as she waggled her eyebrows suggestively at Alex.

"Carmichael…" the blonde's voice growled warningly only to be soothed by Liv's lips pressing against her temple, hand squeezing her own.

"Relax Alex, we're among friends," Olivia assured warmly, releasing the attorney's hand and snaking her arms around the skinny waist of her lover, gathering her into a tender embrace.

"Yes you are…and Abbie's teasing is her way of showing affection for her friends, I've come to notice," Kate advised, nudging the younger woman with her shoulder. "Pay her no mind, especially since she has no room to talk after her own wailing last night!"

The easy way with which Kate discussed their sexual endeavours with these two women whom she was still getting to know surprised Abbie greatly, a fact which did not go unnoticed by either Liv or Alex. The pair of them chuckled at the way the brunette's eyebrows shot up and her jaw dropped, a slight flush of colour racing across her olive-toned cheeks. "I see I'm going to have to keep the three of you apart. You all gang up on me!" Abbie baulked.

"Hardly sweetheart…at least not when you don't bring it on yourself," Kate stated with a sweet smile. She leaned in to give her girlfriend a parting kiss. "I need to get moving. I'll speak to you later." Turning her attention to Olivia and Alex, where they remained standing in a loose circle of each other's arms, she said, "thank you, so much for inviting me and letting me stay over last night. It was a great evening. Gina is adorable. In fact, I enjoyed meeting everyone. They all made me feel very welcome."

"You're welcome, both of you, any time. I'm glad you had a good time last night," Liv replied earnestly.

"Oh I think it's safe to say we all had a good time last night…and this morning…" Abbie quipped lasciviously, earning her three groans and a playful smack from Kate.

"Sex on the brain," the redhead tutted. "Alex, I feel for you having to work with her so closely and I give you my permission to smack her upside the head any time she gets too much for you." With a final kiss to her disgruntled lover's parted lips, Kate slid out of the apartment, leaving the three law enforcers alone.

Turning serious in an instant, Abbie stated, "I'll be there with you this morning when you see Jack. I know SVU are going to need a deputy while you're tied up with Jackson's trial and I want to do what I can to back you up when you put that to him. It might not be much and I might not be able to help you persuade him, but I do want you to know you have my full support."

"Thanks Abbie, really. I'd be glad to have you there. I don't expect he'll be too forthcoming with offering help but I'm sure, between us, we can back him into a corner and make him come round to our opinion." Alex extracted herself from Olivia's arms and moved to gather together everything she would need for the day, placing relevant items into her attaché case.

"Either of you want me to make you some lunch? There's plenty of meats and bread left over from yesterday thanks to Gina's generosity," Liv called as she headed into the kitchen.

"We don't have time to hang around while you exercise your culinary flair, I'm afraid, Benson. If you look on the side, Kate already made sandwiches for us all - while you were busy in the shower," Abbie informed her friends, grinning once again as Alex's light skin betrayed her embarrassment.

"Great," Liv muttered, snatching the two remaining ready-made meals from the kitchen counter and striding back out into the lounge. "Let me just grab my gun and badge and I'm ready to roll."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday April 20th 2009<strong>_

_**09.23**_

_**Jack McCoy's office, 1 Hogan Place**_

"ADA Cabot, so nice of you to grace us with your presence. I presume you've made a full recovery?" There was no sympathy, not even a trace of empathy, in the man's voice as Jack addressed his subordinate.

"My recovery is going as well as I could have hoped for it to," Alex informed the DA sharply, switching easily back into her professional persona, all traces of the levity and teasing she and Abbie had shared moments earlier dissipating instantly.

"Take a seat and let's begin. There's a lot to cover to bring you up to speed and I understand your detectives are quite keen to pursue a warrant connected to their latest active case. Ms Carmichael, is there a reason you're hovering like some angel of death?" Jack snapped, his mind already putting two and two together and concluding that the appearance of both women in his office would not end well for him.

"SVU will need an alternative ADA made available to them, at least for the first week or two of Jackson's trial. They shouldn't be made to suffer with putting up with whichever attorney they can find and convince in a jam just because Alex is tied up elsewhere…" the Texan argued, stating the case for assigning a specific assistant to the grouchy man she had once admired and enjoyed working alongside. The additional power, along with the extra responsibility had brought out a side of him so had seen glimpses of before and had never been fond of then. Now it seemed as though that was the only aspect of his personality which remained.

"Alas, this is the DA's office and not some private law firm. We can't simply draft a replacement in and charge it up to the client. We have a responsibility to utilise tax payer's money wisely and I don't see how having two ADA's assigned to one unit fits with that," Jack protested firmly.

"And how is it a good use of tax payer's money if their detectives are tied up chasing around a courthouse or this office trying to find an available attorney prepared to organise a search warrant or, God forbid, an arrest warrant? How is it a good use of resources if a suspect is a left to run amok while those detectives are chasing their tails?" Alex pressed, fighting for what she knew was best for the unit to which she was assigned, having worked with them for long enough to have sympathy for their position, as well as a healthy respect for the work that they did.

"Those are rather fanciful suppositions, Alex," Jack barked, attempting to shoot her down.

"I'd say they are actually rather accurate scenarios which might well occur during the coming weeks based on how things were before Alex was assigned to SVU. My memory's not so short that I don't remember being drafted in to work with them when the occasion warranted it. Can you imagine how frustrating it must be for those detectives to have to start from cold every time they need something from an attorney when there is no one who truly understands what their job entails? To have to fight to make the urgency and sensitivity of the situation understood? Would you like to be in their shoes if you were them, trying to ensure justice is done for a victim only to be met with stone walls or not being able to find an attorney at all? If you don't give them _something_, I think we all know what will happen. Alex will be working significant amounts of overtime in order to do her own job outside of the time she will be spending in court. She will be having to contact judges out of hours to secure standard warrants which will make this office look incompetent and badly managed. And don't even think of using Alex as a scapegoat, Jack, if that should happen because I will tell you now, I won't allow it." Abbie crossed her arms across her narrow chest, expression stern and fixed.

"You'll do well to remember who you're talking to Miss Carmichael…" Jack blustered, not appreciating the way he was being spoken to in his own office, especially in front of one of his subordinates.

"And you'll do well to remember who's ear I have in Washington, _Mr McCoy_," Abbie retorted, barely bothering to hide her contempt for his behaviour.

"Don't threaten me, Abbie," the DA warned sharply.

"It's not a threat, merely a reminder that I now move in much more powerful circles, among people who can make or break careers should they so wish. Take the implication as you will but I'd be just as inclined to mention Alex's name in a favourable fashion as I would to mention your own obstinate insistence on making her job harder than it need be," Abbie assured, keeping her eyes trained unwaveringly on the uncomfortable man seated before her.

"When you're both done with your pissing contest, could we please get back to the matter at hand?" Alex requested in bored tone. "Jack, I'm not asking for someone to cover my workload or to be on call full time. Whenever I'm not in court, I'll of course still be working SVU cases - beginning today - but for those times when I'm unreachable, all I ask is that they have a single point of contact wherever possible, someone who knows the unit at least a little and realises there may be times when urgent action is called for," the blonde woman requested reasonably. With a slyness belied by her beauty, she added, "after all, I'd hate for the win/loss ratio of the office to be adversely affected by our inability to manage the resources available to us in an appropriate fashion."

Realising that there really was no response to that which wouldn't make him look either like a fool or an ass, Jack sighed. "Alright, leave it with me. I'll see who is likely to have the time to spare to help out. Warn your detectives that they'd better make sure all their facts are in order before even attempting to request a warrant though. There'll be no hand-holding going on and I don't expect the DA's office to have to spend hours putting cases right because of their rash approach either."

"They're professionals, Jack. I trust them to do their jobs, perhaps you could give that a try too," Alex replied haughtily, knowing that there were indeed times when the unit sailed close to the wind with cases, but generally only when they knew that Alex would be there to back their play and pull them out of the mire if necessary.

"I'll leave you to catch up on the other cases needing your attention but I'll need some time with you - perhaps a working lunch? - so we can go over the opening arguments and process for tomorrow," Abbie advised, already making her way to the door.

"I'll come to your office when I have chance," Alex promised flashing a grateful smile in her colleague's direction. As the brunette exited the office, she turned her attention back to her boss, inwardly cringing as she saw the look in his eye.

"Was that really necessary? To involve Abbie Carmichael that way?" His tone was curt, his displeasure evident.

"She volunteered to be here, I didn't ask her to and we both know I can fight my own battles…but she cares not just about the Jackson case but about the other victims who are seeking justice too. She just wants what's best for us all," Alex argued, resisting the urge to fidget in her seat.

"Interested in the cases…or in the woman tasked with prosecuting them?" Jack posed, knowing of Abbie's reputation and her proclivities.

"There's nothing between Abbie and I beyond a professional respect for one another and a friendship borne of working closely side by side," Alex snapped before adding, "not that it would be any of your business if we were anything more as long as it didn't interfere with our work."

"I'd say it would be a fairly significant conflict of interest if the two of you were involved in a more…intimate…relationship," Jack claimed.

Alex scoffed. "How do you conclude that? We're not on opposing sides. We're not going to be sharing information about the case that we shouldn't be discussing. It's all moot point anyway because _nothing_ is going on with Abbie and I. Both our interests lie elsewhere." Alex's tone left Jack in little doubt that the conversation was closed, even though it had done little to dissuade him of the deeper connection between the two women.

"She's a loose cannon, Alex. Be careful how entangled you get with her unless you're willing to go down with the ship," was Jack's final remark on the subject before he launched into a detailed handover of all the things which had arisen during her absence.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday April 20th 2009<strong>_

_**11.13**_

_**Manhattan SVU Squad Room**_

"Thanks for getting us in a room with him, minus his whole entourage," Liv said as she stood beside Alex, looking through the mirrored glass into the interview room where Harry Mack sat next to his attorney. Both were in work-mode, keeping a professional distance from one another, both physically and emotionally.

"Yeah, for your first day back, you sure work fast, Counsellor," Elliot concurred, letting admiration colour his tone.

"Don't celebrate yet. All I've done is compel him to present himself for questioning. Getting him to actually answer honestly with regards to his actions is down to you," Alex stated, waving off the thanks, knowing there was still a minefield to negotiate ahead and worrying that this case would blow up in all their faces.

"It's what we do best," the sole female detective in the Special Victims' Unit announced as she led her partner to the door, knowing her lover would undoubtedly remain in the observation room. "See you on the other side," she called softly to the blonde, the words layered with multiple meanings and interpretations. Elliot pressed on through the door, intent on beginning the latest in numerous rounds of attempting to determine the precise events which had led to the apparent revenge attack on the young actor inside.

"Harry, do you understand why we need to talk to you? Why we need to get your version of events?" Elliot asked as he sank into the seat across the table from the sullen teen.

"Cos some stupid little kid says I did stuff to her she didn't want me to do," the youngster sneered, slouched in his own chair, drumming the fingers of one hand on the table as though he didn't have a care in the world.

"Ok, can you tell us how you remember your time with Jade going? Where did you meet her, let's start with that," Olivia questioned, not appreciating the boy's attitude.

"She came asking for an autograph at the premiere showing I attended here a few months back, gave me her cell phone number on a piece of paper that she'd drawn hearts all over. I was in town for a few days, interviews and such, so I figured where was the harm in having a little fun. I rang and arranged to meet her in Central Park and then I slipped past security - those guys are so easy to lose," Harry bragged unattractively, smugness about his exploits oozing from every pore despite his recent trauma.

"Harry, must I remind you that slipping your security detail is what landed you in the trouble you got yourself into? Had you not been so hell-bent on losing them, you might not have been attacked as you were," the softly-spoken gentleman accompanying the teenager cautioned, exhibiting a weary fatigue where the boy's attitude was concerned.

"So this is my fault? I get raped and you blame me? Fuck you, you fascist pig. I suppose you think that it makes me a fag too," Harry snapped, yelling directly into the attorney's face, spittle flying from his mouth in his rage.

"No one is saying that what happened to you should have been allowed to happen, Harry," Olivia coaxed, forestalling Elliot's physical intervention with an open palm against his muscular arm. "What's important is that we find out the truth about what happened with Jade. Doing that will help us to prosecute the man who attacked you."

Elliot watched the young man settle back into his seat, leg bouncing up and down in agitated fashion. "So you met up with Jade at Central Park. What did you do then?" the burly detective asked.

"I gave her some money to go and buy us a couple of hotdogs and drinks. I didn't want to do it in case someone recognised me so I told her I'd wait in the bushes near to a bench. It was warm enough and dry so I put my jacket on the floor for us to use as a blanket to sit on. When she came back, we ate and drank, talked some about her school, my movies, what it was like being famous, the usual stuff. I asked her if she wanted another autograph or if she'd rather have something else to remember me by, to remember our night together. And she wanted it, she wanted me to kiss her. She kissed me back." The attorney leapt into action, placing a firm hand at his client's shoulder.

"Harry, don't say another word," he instructed, turning to the detectives seated opposite them. "I think it's clear what we have here is a genuine misunderstanding…" he began only to be cut off.

"No, it wasn't. We were kissing and then her hand was in my crotch, grabbing at my junk through my pants. She pushed me onto my back and climbed on top of me, rubbing herself against me. It was really hot, I mean have you seen her? She's so damn hot anyway but on top of me, making it damn clear what she wanted like that… I flipped us over and unbuttoned my jeans. She didn't tell me to stop, never said no, not until I was already inside her…and by then I couldn't stop myself. I did her. I put my hand over her mouth when she started shouting. After a while, she stopped yelling, stopped pushing me away and just lay there, letting me screw her so I figured she changed her mind again. She shouldn't have got me worked up the way she did if she did want me to do that with her," Harry whined, looking to all three adults in the room for sympathy and support.

"A girl, anyone, can say no at any point and expect that no means no, that the person with them won't continue to do what they're doing," Elliot stated tightly.

"Yeah? Well she wasn't exactly saying 'no' the other two nights we met up _after_ that," Harry supplied snidely, eyes dancing with mischief. "She came back again the next night and the night after that, same place, same outcome: me fucking her brains out. I didn't see her again but only because we moved on to a new city for another round of interviews and television appearances."

"Was it you who suggested you meet up again, the two nights following the first time you were alone with her?" Olivia asked, wondering why Jade would have put herself in the same position again, no matter how flattering it might have been to a twelve year old to be attracting the attentions of a movie star.

"No, she called me, said she was sorry for screaming like she did and wanted to know if I was interested in hooking up with her again that night. I wasn't about to say no to a girl offering herself up to me on a plate!" Harry leered across the table at the detectives, his eyes raking over Olivia's body, with emphasis on her chest, in an unerringly predatory fashion.

Ignoring the sleazy gaze, Liv pressed on. "Who's decision was it to meet up the third night?"

"Hers…again," Harry supplied, sitting back in his seat and feigning an air of boredom.

"Was she more receptive to your advances the second and third evenings?" Elliot queried, confused by the picture they were getting of events.

"She was a bit quiet, a bit limp while we were having sex but I didn't really expect anything else seeing as she was a virgin until that first night. It wasn't like she was going to turn into a raving sex fiend overnight was it?" the teenager goaded with a sly grin. "She told me her Daddy dropped her off at the park the second and third times so it's not like he didn't know where she was…or what she was likely doing there."

"Why would he do that?" Alex questioned, addressing no one in particular in the observation area.

"I think this might give us some idea of why," Fin announced, wandering in brandishing a print out of a web page, claiming to have an exclusive regarding the sexual assault allegations levelled at Harry Mack. Pride of place within the report were numerous photos of Jade begin pinned down by the older child, their positioning making it abundantly clear what was going on and Jade's expression suggesting that she was anything but a willing participant. Tears were streaking her face and, in many of the images, she was grimacing with obvious pain.

"Shit…" Alex muttered before turning back to the glass and knocking on it sharply to draw the detectives out of the room. They needed to see this and they needed to question the boy about it while they had the opportunity, knowing it was highly unlikely he would be returning to the precinct any time soon of his own volition.

As soon as both detectives were out of the interview room and the door firmly shut behind them, Fin handed over the internet exclusive for them to see.

"Shit!" Liv breathed under her voice, causing Alex's lips to quirk upwards in a quick smile at the unintentional mirroring of her own reaction.

"What the hell…?" Elliot grumbled, scanning the article.

"Get that in there and ask him again if Jade was a willing participant in their sexual encounters. I want Jade's father re-questioned too. This has obviously come from him, he must have been the one to take the photographs of his daughter which suggests he sent her to that park with the sole intention of allowing her to be assaulted again by Harry Mack in order to profit from her abuse. And if we can prove that that is the case, I will not only charge him with the sexual assault of Harry Mack but I'll also tag on charges for prostitution of his own daughter." Alex's voice was dripping with ice, her cool fury directed purely at both the males who appeared to have taken advantage of a vulnerable, impressionable young girl who looked up to them both. "Liv, I'd like for you and I to talk to Jade again, if Captain Cragen's agreeable with that? I want to make sure we have the full story from her."

"What about him?" Elliot asked, indicating the wayward teen beyond the mirrored glass. "Can we charge him with anything?"

"If Jade maintains she didn't want him to have sex with her, even if only that first time, we can file rape charges against him. The fact that she went back again the next two nights may muddy the waters a little but let's see if we can't get to the truth of _why_ she returned - whether it really was her idea or if her father made her do it," the attorney advised, keeping her mask of stoicism firmly in place.

"Benson, Stabler, finish up the Mack interview. Fin, you take Munch and talk to the girl's father. Olivia can come find you after lunch Counsellor so you can talk to Jade again," Cragen announced with an air of finality.

"I'm staying to observe," Alex retorted, not willing to go anywhere until she had made sure the remainder of the interview was completed by the book.

"We've got this, Alex. We're not about to make your job more difficult for you and I'm sure you have other things that need your attention having been absent for the last week. Harry Mack's not going anywhere except Central Booking. He's already admitted he continued to have sex with Jade after she said 'no'." What Olivia was trying to say, without overstepping her professional boundaries, was that she would rather Alex went and sat at her desk for her while so she could pace herself, rather than getting back onto the daily treadmill and running full pelt straight away. The day was yet young but her lover was already looking worn and weary. The other's wouldn't notice it so much but it was evident around her eyes to a woman who knew those eyes better than her own.

"I'll go and get the ball rolling on the paperwork for that charge then. Call me with the outcome of the rest of the interview." It was less of a request and more an order. The attorney tacitly understood where Olivia's concern was coming from and refused to make an issue out of it while there were witnesses. She did, however, silently vow to herself that she would lay down some ground rules regarding what she was and was not prepared to tolerate at her earliest convenience, not wanting their professional relationship to change solely because their personal one had. She had never stood for being coddled before and she had no intention of allowing it now either.

Olivia watched the younger woman stalk away, a little thrown off her stride by the cool aloofness Alex was displaying. She filed her concerns away to tackle them with the attorney later, after work, wondering if it was a hangover from her earlier meeting with Jack McCoy.

"Shall we…?" Elliot interrupted her reverie, indicating the door into the interview room and that they should resume questioning Harry Mack. Liv nodded and followed him back inside.

"Are we done now? Can I go? This is so lame. I get raped but I'm the one ends up stuck in this place," Mack whined as he saw the two detectives return.

"You're going to be spending a lot more time in lockup, Mr Mack, so I suggest you start adjusting your attitude," Elliot barked, slapping the printout Fin had given them onto the scarred vinyl-topped table and sliding it forcefully towards the cocksure young man. "One of my colleagues just brought this to our attention. Now tell me, Harry, does that look like a girl who wants to have sex with you?"

"Hey! Where did you get this? What is this? Did you leak this? What the f…?" Harry blustered, violently pushing the paper away from him. His attorney snatched it up, face losing its colour as he saw the contents.

"I'll echo my client's question, what is _this_? If your detectives have let details of these allegations leak into the hands of these internet hacks, I'll make sure I have every one of your badges," the irate lawyer threatened.

"This did _not_ come from anyone within this department. First we knew of it was when our colleague handed it to us just now. But I have to say, it does rather blow Harry's claims out of the water that Jade wanted sex with him. Those images are time-stamped, one from each of the latter two nights, both showing a young girl crying and in pain as your client forces himself on her," Olivia stated coolly, arms folding across her chest as she leant against the wall just inside the door.

"But _she_ came to _me_. _She_ arranged it. She only cried while it was happening, and a little bit afterwards…but she wouldn't have come back again if she didn't want it, right? How was I to know she'd do this? That all she was out for was a quick buck?" Harry protested, a little too innocently for Olivia's liking.

"Did she try to blackmail you, that third night in the park? Did she ask you for money to keep quiet about it?" the brunette asked, pushing off from the wall and stalking towards the table.

"No," came the too quick reply.

"Harry…" the boy's attorney sighed, having heard that tone all too often when Harry was caught sneaking off and getting up to no good.

"It wasn't her…it was her dad ok? He came at me when she left, told me I'd pay for what I made his daughter do, that one way or another he'd make me pay," Mack finally admitted sullenly, slouching back in the chair with an air of defeat.


	76. Author's Note

**Author's note/apology:**

OK so a little longer than a week has passed since I last updated this story... OK a LOT longer than a week. This is unfortunately not a new chapter but rather an explanation/apology for my extended absence. The end of 2011 was not the best of times for me. I lost an aunt who was very dear to me, injured my back - through my own stupidity but still it was painful, debilitating and distracting, have succumbed to numerous coughs, colds, flu bugs and throat problems, health scares with my beloved Gran (who is my idol). And to cap it all off, I am currently only partially sighted thanks to what the doctors hope is only a temporary infection-created issue and not lasting damage. The problem with my eyes is meaning that spending any length of time on a computer is very much a trial for me (blurred vision with constant ghosting = a lot of headaches and a distinct fuzziness to everything) so I'm not doing any writing at all just now. However, once this clears/or I discover that I will have to get new glasses to correct my vision suitably, I will get back to working on this story again. I haven't forgotten nor abandoned it and do have every intention of finding a way to complete it (even though current events have driven my muse off on an extended vacation!)

Thank you to all those who have reviewed/sent PMs enquiring after my whereabouts and rest assured that as soon as I am physically and psychologically able, I will be returning to continue the tale of Torn Asunder!

Hope you all have an enjoyable festive season and celebrated the New Year in your own special way.

Take care and hope to be back with you soon.

EM79


	77. Chapter 77

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one**_

_**Re-uploaded due to errors with dates.**_

_**Wow, it's been a while hey! What a mad few months it's been. To those of you still out there, reading this, thank you for your patience and for sticking with it. I'll apologise in advance if what follows isn't up to par - Muse went AWOL during the mania of my life in recent times and has been only a sporadic visitor at best. She finally showed signs of returning on Valentine's day of all days! I'm not sure we're entirely at ease with one another again yet but we're working on it. I can't promise a return to weekly updates, I'm gearing up for year end and a few important events with the chorus I sing with so free time is a rather precious commodity but I will do my utmost not to leave it another 3 months or so before the next chapter goes online. Anyway, enough wittering, I'll let you get to the real reason you're on this page. **_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday April 20th 2009<strong>_

_**13.08**_

_**Abbie Carmichael's office, 1 Hogan Place**_

"Come on in Alex and pull up a chair. How's the rest of your morning gone? Jack didn't give you too hard a time after I left did he?" Abbie asked, rising from her desk and scooting around it to sit in the chair beside the one her friend had collapsed into.

"I never imagined it would be so annoyingly exhausting coming back to this after just a week out," Alex admitted with a groan as her feet throbbed inside her court shoes. She didn't dare take them off, knowing she wouldn't get them back on again if she did so.

"Well it's hardly like you were on vacation, is it? You had surgery, which you're still recovering from. Not to mention the exertions you've already made this morning," Abbie grinned mischievously, drawing a wry chuckle from her companion.

"I guess you're right. As much as it pains me to admit it, I'm not superhuman. I know I've asked a lot of myself, the last few days in particular, with helping Liv organise the housewarming and…everything. I just…I know how important it is that I hit the ground running, not just for SVU but for you as well. I don't want my recent ill health to stand in the way of anyone getting the justice they deserve." Alex sighed as she slid her bottle of water onto the desk, having retrieved her lunch before venturing round to Abbie's temporary office.

"I've never heard anyone say you've let anything get in your way before, so I really can't imagine you starting now." Abbie squeezed the blonde attorney's shoulder as she moved to retrieve her own lunch, seeing Alex had come armed with hers. "So, why are you avoiding my question about McCoy?"

"I'm not!" the younger woman protested instantly, though it didn't escape Abbie's attention that she wouldn't meet her gaze.

"What did he say, Alex?" The tall Texan watched her colleague squirming, wondering what the DA had done to make her that uncomfortable. "Talk to me, please."

"We have to get on. This is supposed to be a working lunch," Alex attempted to steer the conversation away from a topic which felt too raw, too near the knuckle to discuss in the office where passersby might overhear.

"And we will get to working just as soon as you tell me what has you so wound up," the US Attorney announced determinedly.

"Abbie, please, can we…can you just drop it? Please?" Alex pleaded, looking at the lunch Kate had prepared for her but finding her appetite waning.

"No, I can't," Abbie persisted, frowning at the dejected figure Alex cut. "Alex, talk to me. I'm asking you as a friend now, not a colleague. What happened this morning? What did Jack say to you?"

"He implied we were fucking, ok? He implied that you're only interest in having me onboard this case was so you could get into my pants and that there was a conflict of interest involved there. And while we both know that he's way off base with _who_ I'm sleeping with, he does inadvertently have a point regarding the conflict of interest, or at least that it could be perceived that way. Defence attorneys will be on that in a shot once word gets out about my relationship with Olivia. You know as well as I do that they'll use any means they can, fair or foul, to get their clients off the hook." Alex looked so pensive, so concerned by the realisation Jack's comment had triggered that it induced a strong urge in Abbie to hold the younger woman, to comfort and protect her.

"You probably do need to tell at least Jack about your relationship, preferably before he hears about it from someone else. After all, the entire SVU squad knows now so it's only a matter of time before news of it hits the grapevine and we all know how fast word travels once it's out there. But you can't fight imaginary demons, Alex. You can't pre-empt problems before they arise and as long as you and Olivia continue to approach your jobs in as professional manner as always, no defence attorney in the land will be able to prove there is any kind of bias. If anything, knowing you, you're likely to be harder now on Liv than ever, in your determination to prove you won't be especially lenient or sympathetic towards her as a result of your emotional entanglement." Seeing Alex's sceptical expression lingering, Abbie continued, "if you can't convince yourself, how do you expect to convince Jack? Or a judge? Don't you trust yourself? Or is it Olivia you don't trust not to try and use your relationship to curry favour?"

"She wouldn't…" Alex baulked immediately, hoping that it was the truth and believing it enough to sound mostly convincing.

"Would you?" Abbie fired back instantly, giving the blonde no time to dwell on her answer.

"No…? The ADA said, her voice rising in question as it faded.

"So it's yourself you don't trust," the Texan acknowledged. "Why is that? In what circumstances could you imagine yourself bending or even breaking the rules for Olivia?"

"Isn't my whole involvement in prosecuting Jackson a conflict of interest? Can I really be objective when I want to put a needle in his arm myself for hurting her by being part of Sam's murder?" Alex argued vehemently.

"Is that feeling any stronger now that you're in a relationship with Olivia than it was when you two were friends?" Abbie queried in return. "Can you honestly say that you're more determined to see Jackson rot in Hell for Sam's death and for Olivia's suffering?"

Alex pondered that for a moment, thinking about it from all angles before drawing any conclusions. "No…no I don't think I can say that. And I'm sickened for _why_ I can't say that. Because without what had happened to Sam, Olivia and I wouldn't be together. As much as I regret the circumstances that brought about our relationship, I can't regret that it finally allowed us to move beyond friendship. That makes me not like myself very much at all. I mean what kind of person am I to be grateful for another woman's death just so I can be with the one she loved?"

"An honest one?" Abbie suggested, no hint of teasing or levity in her tone. "Alex, you can't think of it that way. Yes, what happened has inadvertently brought you some sort of good fortune but you've hardly celebrated that or made light of Sam's death in any way. Nor did you actively pursue a relationship with Olivia as soon as Samia's body had gone cold. It may still be relatively soon for her to be venturing into another serious relationship but what you two share, that's not new. It's not like you've only just met and you have to worry about her feelings for you being just a rebound thing. I've spoken to Olivia in the past about her attraction towards you and I know how hard it was for her when you were shot and had to go away. In reality, the only thing that's changed between you is that you're both now openly acknowledging how much you care for one another - well that and the sleeping together thing but other than that, nothing really has changed."

"But it has, for me at least. This morning, Liv…she suggested I should come back to the office rather than hanging around the precinct while they finished interviewing Harry Mack. Her verbal reasoning spoken aloud seemed soundly professional, but I could tell, from the look in her eye that her real motivation was purely because of the relationship we have. She thought I was trying to do too much, too soon and she wanted to tell me to slow down, without actually saying it in front of anyone else. I don't want her doing that. I don't want the boundaries blurring between our professional and personal lives…" Alex grumbled.

"And you wouldn't be concerned about her if you saw Olivia pushing herself too hard? You don't fret over her when she goes out to make an arrest or to track down someone they want to question in relation to a violent crime?" Abbie retorted firmly.

"Of course I do, but I wouldn't try to tell her how to do her job," Alex replied firmly.

"Wouldn't you? Don't you ask her to be careful? Isn't that in itself implying that she's otherwise likely to be reckless? If you could, wouldn't you rather ask one of her colleagues to go in her place to guarantee she wouldn't come to any harm?" the Texan persisted.

"Yes…no…I don't know. No, of course I don't want her going out and putting herself in harm's way but I also don't want her to be any less of the person she is, the woman I fell in love with."

"And I don't want you to be any less of who you are either, 'Lex," Liv's voice called softly from the doorway, startling both the women inside, neither of them having been aware of their audience.

"How long…" Alex started, blushing at being caught discussing their relationship.

"Long enough to know I'm going to need to work on disguising my real motives around you in future," Olivia replied with a gentle smile. "I'm sorry if it felt like I was trying to coddle you, I just know how much the next week, or however long this trial lasts, is going to take out of you and I didn't want you hanging around, having to be on your feet needlessly, when you could have been doing something productive back here."

"Want me to give you a few minutes alone?" Abbie enquired, making to rise from her seat.

"No," Liv responded swiftly, ushering her to stay in her chair. "I can't stop. I was just volunteered to come and let Alex know Jade's father denies everything that Harry said so it's going to be pretty difficult to prove unless we get something out of Jade when we speak to her. What time is good for you to get away to talk to her again, Counsellor?"

"Let's meet her as she leaves school. We can take her to her aunt's house and talk to her there. Could you give the school a call and ask them to let her know we'll be there?" Alex requested, body partially twisted around to lessen the craning of her neck necessary to face her detective.

"I can do that," Olivia confirmed, flashing another brief smile before backing out of the doorway. "I'll let you get back to your lunch and see you in a while."

Once she was gone, Abbie levelled a steady gaze at Alex. "Want to know what I saw there?" she asked, giving the younger woman no time to reply before barrelling on. "I saw two women committed to maintaining a platonic, professional relationship within the bounds of their respective jobs. Detective Benson and ADA Cabot reside here, Alex and Olivia are left at home. If you can do that in reverse too, then neither of you need to have any worries about conflict of interest or letting your hearts rule your heads."

Alex merely offered a small, tight smile in response, eyes shining with uncertainty before she deftly changed the subject and slipped entirely behind her professional persona once more.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday April 20th 2009<strong>_

_**16.26**_

_**Ruth Worthing's residence**_

"Jade, we need to go over what happened with Harry Mack again to make sure we have all the information we need to charge him for what he did to you," Olivia informed the nervous looking young girl as they all took seats in her aunt's small lounge.

"Why? Why do I need to tell you again what happened? Wasn't it bad enough that I had to describe it to you once before?" Jade exploded, wringing her hands frantically in front of her, over and over in a constant blur of motion.

"Mr Mack is claiming that you arranged to meet him on two further occasions after the first time he allegedly forced you to have sex with him and there is evidence to support his statement. We need you to give us your explanation for why that was so I can make a jury understand that you are the victim here and that this isn't some ploy to extort money out of a well-known, well-liked celebrity," Alex supplied, her voice quiet but her tone bordering on steely. She realised that she may sound cold and clinical but they couldn't afford to get caught up in a young girl's emotional quagmire if they were going to sift through the lies and find the truth of what had really happened to her. To illustrate her point, Alex slid one of the less distressing photos out of her attaché case and held it up for Jade to see.

The two older women watched as the colour drained from Jade's face, leaving her with a wan and sickly pallor. "He promised he wouldn't…" she whispered brokenly.

"Who did? Who promised and what did they promise?" Olivia prompted, leaning towards the now distraught child.

"Dad…he promised he wouldn't show anyone," Jade muttered dejectedly, shoulders slumping as her body folded in on itself, knees curling up to tuck beneath her chin.

"What did he promise he wouldn't show to anyone?" Liv murmured softly, kindly, moving to sit beside Jade, needing the child to be specific in order to make any charges stick.

"Those photos and video he took…when he made me go back and see Harry again. He told me I had to do it. He was so mad when I got home that first night. He knew I'd been with a boy. He made me undress in front of him and he saw the marks…the blood on my legs from where Harry…" Jade's voice faded into a quiet sob. Olivia gently slid one arm across the back of the girl's shoulders. Jade responded by leaning heavily against the detective's side, trembling bodily.

"I understand this is really hard for you to talk about, Jade, but you're doing really well," Liv cooed, catching Alex's eye across the room. The attorney was trying hard to mask her discomfort but her eyes betrayed her. They clearly showed her distress at seeing the impact the decisions of two men Jade had admired and trusted was having on the girl. "We won't make you talk about it much longer," the brunette promised, silently offering Alex a similar promise that she wouldn't have to listen to the horrors any longer than necessary either. "Why did your dad make you see Harry again?"

"He said that Harry should be made to pay for what he did but that the bruises weren't enough, that we had to show him…doing it to me…so there would be no way he could deny it. He said the police wouldn't be able to charge him unless there was photographic evidence or Harry's lawyers would be able to make it go away." Jade remained curled into Olivia's embrace as she spoke, worrying at her lip with her teeth as she paused, images from her experiences at the hands of a young man she had idolised assaulting her memory.

"So he made you contact Harry and arrange to meet again at the park the next night so he could take pictures of him having sex with you?" Alex pressed, the thought of any parent being willing to force their child to endure such a thing sickening her.

Jade nodded, continuing without further prompting, "he drove me to the park and then hid behind some trees, said I had to let Harry do whatever he wanted to me if I hoped to press charges against him. When Harry got there, he assumed that I wanted him to do it to me again. He put his hands up my tee-shirt and rubbed my chest. Then he pushed my skirt up and touched me between my legs, over my panties. I turned my head away when he went to kiss me but he just kissed my neck instead and whispered stuff in my ear about how he knew I wanted him really, how I wanted to be his girl…and I did want that, I did want to be his girl…until I knew what that meant, how much it hurt to let him do that. The second night…it hurt more than the night before. I was still sore and he pushed harder, did it for longer but I knew I had to let him, no matter what…because Dad would have punished me and Harry couldn't be charged if I didn't."

"Sweetie, that's not true about Harry. The physical evidence would likely have been enough if your Dad had taken you to the hospital after that first night. There wouldn't have been a need for you to go through those other nights as well, you do know that, don't you?" Alex informed the wearily resigned child, needing, for her own sake, to impress upon her how wrong the girl's father's actions had been.

"It would?" Jade asked, fixing the ADA with a bemused stare. "But then why…?"

Choosing to gloss over the girl's question for the moment, Liv brought the discussion back to the matter at hand. "Why did he make you go back a third time, Jade? If your Dad was there taking photos the second night, why did you have to meet Harry again?"

"There was a problem with the video he'd taken, he said it wasn't clear enough, that you couldn't tell beyond doubt that it was Harry and Dad needed to be closer to film it," Jade answered, her forehead still creased in a confused frown.

"Why did your dad say he needed the video if he had photographs that showed what Harry was doing?" Olivia pushed.

"It was his insurance policy he said, in case the photos went missing or got wiped from his computer," the young girl replied sadly, realisation dawning on her. "He used me, didn't he? Just like Harry used my body to get what he wanted, Dad was using me to make money, wasn't he? That's what this was all about to him wasn't it? Just some new way to get rich quick. I should have known. He's always looking for ways to make deals and get easy money. I'm so stupid to think that he might actually have cared about me enough to want to do what was right for me," she spat bitterly, folding in on herself as a deep, angry scowl settled on her features.

"Jade, listen to me. You are not stupid. It's not silly at all to hope that a parent will look out for their child above all else. Everyone should be able to believe that," Olivia stated vehemently, willing the young girl to believe her. "And right now, you have the chance to take back the control that both Harry and your father took from you. Make a statement about everything that each of them made you do. Make them take responsibility for their actions." Tearfully, Jade nodded her assent, falling gratefully into her aunt's embrace as soon as it was offered.

"You'll always have a home here, sweetheart. Don't you be worrying about what's going to happen to you now, ok? Me and your uncle George will make sure you're alright," Ruth murmured reassuringly, soothing a hand over her niece's soft hair and pressing a gentle kiss against her crown.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday April 20th 2009<strong>_

_**18.38**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

"Why don't you go on home, Liv?" Captain Cragen urged softly, his voice filled with fatherly concern. His sole female detective was looking decidedly fraught, verging on exhausted, after what had been an emotionally draining day. Though those were unfortunately not rare in the unit, he knew that having the trial looming large over her must be only adding to her normal high stress levels.

"I just want to get this paperwork finished," Liv acknowledged, "but then I promise I'll be out of here. I don't want there to be any cause for delaying the prosecution of either of these guys, for Jade's sake. She's already been through enough."

"You seeing Alex tonight?" Cragen asked, not ordinarily one to pry into his subordinates' private lives unless it interfered with their work but wanting some kind of assurance that Olivia wouldn't needlessly be alone after such a tiring day.

"I hope so. Depends what time she gets through with prep for tomorrow and handing over to her replacement for the trial's duration." Liv released a heavy sigh, her eyes stinging from prolonged staring at a computer screen. She knew that she was pushing herself more than she ought to but while she was focussed on her work, her mind was blissfully free of what lay ahead with regards to the trial. When in Detective mode, she had no time for any considerations other than those directly relating to her job, the victims and achieving justice for them. As physically hard as it was to keep going, mentally it was a relief not to feel like a victim herself for those hours spent toiling on someone else's behalf.

"I'll let you get on and then you're not delayed any longer than you need to be," Cragen announced, patting her cordially on the shoulder as he passed by her desk. "Wrap it up quickly, Detective, before you're in no fit state to get home safely. Have a good evening and tell Alex to give 'em hell tomorrow from me."

Liv offered him a succinct nod before swivelling back around to face her monitor, fingers resuming their rhythmic tapping against the keys, her brain channelling all its energy into completing the report and tuning out everything else. She had no concept of how much time had passed between the captain leaving and a pair of slender arms sliding over her shoulders, dainty hands clasping between her breasts. Soft lips pressed briefly against her temple, accompanied by a hearty chuckle at the start the intently focussed detective had given at the feel of another's touch.

"It's a good job I wasn't someone coming in here with sinister motivations!" Alex purred, directly into the shell of her lover's ear. "That's not to say I don't have an ulterior motive though," she added huskily.

"Oh really?" Liv replied, recovering from her shock at being so distracted by her work that she had failed to hear Alex's approach. "And just what might that be, Counsellor?"

"Abbie mentioned that she and Kate are having dinner together tonight in case they don't have chance to see one another much once the trial begins and I was wondering if you'd like to do the same? My treat, let me take you out to dinner somewhere. Let's have an evening to enjoy one another's company, good food, a glass or two of wine…" Alex punctuated her proposal with further kisses down Olivia's neck, enjoying the quickening of the pulse beneath her lips.

"That sounds like a wonderful idea," the curvaceous brunette agreed, wrestling her neck away from her lover's lips with no small amount of reluctance. "And your timing is perfect. I just finished this report so as soon as I've printed, signed and filed it, I'm all yours. How did you know I was still here?" she asked out of interest, dividing her attention between the screen and her partner.

"I called your place but there was no answer, so I dialled the front desk at my apartment building but Jake said he hadn't seen you this evening. My next guess was here so I figured I'd call in on my way home, see if you were here and take it from there if you weren't," Alex informed the seated woman, taking up her customary perch on the corner of Olivia's desk.

Liv inclined her head to acknowledge the statement, smiling softly up at her lover. "We definitely have Dad's approval. He asked me if I was seeing you this evening. I think he's under the impression you're good for me. He told me to tell you to 'give 'em Hell tomorrow' as well, though I doubt you or Abbie need any encouragement in that department."

"Let's not talk about the case tonight, if that's ok? Let's let tonight be about us, you and me; our hopes, our dreams, our plans for the future. The battles can wait to be fought until tomorrow," Alex requested plaintively, needing an opportunity to get out of the head-space she had inhabited throughout the day.

"That sounds perfect," Liv replied, rising from her seat to grab the report from the printer, brushing her hand tenderly against Alex's outer thigh as she passed by her. Hurriedly, she scribbled her signature at the bottom of the sheet, where required and pushed it inside the case folder. Crossing the bullpen, the seasoned detective filed it away and closed the cabinet drawer with a resounding clang. Making sure it was locked securely, the attractive brunette turned back to her patiently waiting companion. "Whisk me away, Ms Cabot. The night is ours to do with as we please."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday April 20th 2009<strong>_

_**19.23**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

"You all ready for tomorrow?" Kate asked as she eased Abbie's jacket from her narrow shoulders.

"As ready as I'll ever be. I've looked over everything, time and time again, from as many different angles as I can in the hopes that I've got enough covered to head the defence off on any pass they try to take." Abbie's eyes kept nervously flicking towards the suitcase at her feet. "I…uh… Did you…ummm…"

The older woman followed her visitor's eye line, settling on the unobtrusive black case. "Is this a yes?" she asked, not even attempting to mask the hope in her tone.

"It is…as long as you were serious this morning…about me staying here rather than the hotel," Abbie babbled, hurriedly continuing, "I haven't checked out yet so I can go back there…"

Further words were silenced by a pair of lips closing over Abbie's own mouth. "You can go via the hotel in the morning on your way to court and tell them you'll no longer be needing the room. You have been offered more comfortable accommodation elsewhere. I'm sure the Feds won't mind," Kate stated firmly, a delighted smiling lighting up her face.

"Ms O'Shea, are you suggesting that I defraud the Federal Government by charging a room to them tonight that I have no intention of sleeping in?" Abbie teased, sliding her arms around Kate's ample waist.

"Why not? It wouldn't be the first time during your visit to New York that you've failed to sleep in the room they're paying for. The only difference this time is that you won't be spending any further nights there at all, I hope, because you'll be spending them here, with me, instead," Kate explained softly, sinking further into her lover's embrace, fitting their bodies snugly against one another.

"Well, when you put it like that, I don't see the harm in it," the Texan concurred, her lips brushing against Kate's with only the barest of pressure. Drawing back a little, she tried one last time to be the voice of reason. "If you find my being here uncomfortable at any time though, I expect you to tell me and I'll get out of your space. If at any time, you feel like this is moving too fast - I mean it _is_ moving fast, ridiculously fast but…"

Once again, Abbie's adorable rambling was cut off in its prime, though this time by Kate's gentle fingers. "I know it's quick for us to be sharing a living space but sweetheart, I have no expectations of you becoming some kind of idealistic domesticated partner overnight. I don't expect you to be home for dinner every night, I won't be here waiting with your dinner on the table ready to throw it at you if you don't arrive by a certain time. If you want to go out with Olivia and Alex and the guys from the squad after a tough day, I have no issue with that, so long as you send me a text or something to let me know I don't need to worry about you having fallen asleep at your desk or on the subway on your way back here. If you have to bring work home with you, I'll keep out of your way, keep quiet, bring you drinks occasionally but let you get on with what you need to do. This place is nothing special but it's yours to call home for as long as you're here in New York. You're free to come and go as you please." Kate reached into a bowl on the table beside them, raising her hand to reveal a key dangling from one finger. She extended her arm towards Abbie. "This is for you."

"Kate…" Abbie sighed, with breathless wonder, taking the key with a tremulous hand before wrapping her partner in a tight embrace. "I'll do my best not to make you regret this."

"I doubt very much I could ever regret inviting you to stay here. To do that, it would mean I would have to regret wanting to spend more time with you and that just isn't likely to happen. I'm looking forward to going to sleep with you, sharing my bed each night and waking up the following morning and you still being there, day after day. This, staying here, can mean as much or as little as you want it to." Kate returned Abbie's hold with conviction, pouring her sincerity into her grip as well as her words.

"There's one thing I do disagree with," Abbie murmured, brushing her lips against Kate's outer ear.

The redhead hummed, struggling to maintain focus on the words being spoken to her as waves of contentment, arousal and desire swept over her. "What…uh…what's that then?" she stammered throatily.

"This place is special. It's your home, it's where _you_ are which makes it the only place I want to stay. I love it here. I love being here. I love that you want me here, invading your space, taking up room on your couch, in your bed… I love _you_." They were never words Abbie uttered lightly - they were words she uttered rarely, almost never until she had met Kate - but she felt like she would never tire of saying them to this incredible woman standing in the circle of her arms.

"I love you too, Abbie Carmichael," Kate swiftly announced, kissing her lover passionately before reluctantly tearing herself away. "Now why don't you go fill up that empty space I left for you in the closet in our room while I set to heating up dinner?" The request was accompanied by a playful swat of Abbie's butt, shooing her from the room with her case.

The attorney remained rooted to the spot, floored not just by the fact that Kate had been confident enough she would say yes to make space for her clothes but also by the reference to it being _their_ room. Her first instinct was to run, to baulk at the very idea of co-ownership of anything so significant but it was soon engulfed by a raging torrent of endorphins as a wave of euphoria swelled within her. "_Our _room," she repeated, voice even deeper and more gravelly than usual. "You have no idea what that does to me!"

"I'd be very interested in finding out…later, once I've made sure you've got some food in your belly. You're going to need your stamina this week - and no, that isn't a reference to you moving in here, although I do hope there'll be at least a little time for that too!" Kate quipped. Placing a gentle, reverent kiss on her lover's parted lips, she requested softly, "go and change into something more comfortable, make yourself at home and I'll give you a shout when dinner's ready."

* * *

><p><em><strong>Monday April 20th 2009<strong>_

_**23.17**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

"Why don't we call it a night, sweetheart? You look fit to drop and you've a tough day ahead of you tomorrow," Kate murmured into the comfortable silence, not overly keen to move but knowing that if they didn't soon, it would be the early hours of the morning before they transferred to a more restful setting.

"Mmmm…comfy," Abbie grumbled, burying herself deeper into Kate's side and inadvertently nuzzling a sensitive part of the older woman's neck.

"I know, me too honey but you'll thank me in the morning when you don't wake up with a crick in your neck, your back screaming at you and a numb arm," Kate pressed, trying valiantly to ignore the sensations Abbie's breath on her neck was causing. "Come on, up you get," she urged her reticent companion. Both women had opted to change into their nightwear after dinner, settling in front of an inoffensive movie with a steaming mug of decaffeinated coffee and sharing a leisurely, relaxed evening together. Conversation had been intermittent but it had never felt like the silence between them was awkward. On the contrary, Abbie had found herself to be so relaxed that she had soon curled up beside Kate, cuddling up to her in a way that ordinarily would have made her want to retch. It had been exactly what Abbie needed to still her mind, hopefully allowing her to grab a decent night's rest in readiness to take Jackson down.

Grudgingly, Abbie relinquished her comfortable spot on the sofa, rising to stretch out long, toned legs and reaching her gangly arms way above her head in order to work out the kinks from having been folded up for so long. When she was satisfied, the raven-haired beauty let her arms drop to her sides before she offered a hand to her lover, helping the older woman to her own feet. "A part of me feels like I never want this night to end," Abbie admitted quietly, wanting nothing to break the spell of the evening.

"The night will end but this, what we've shared here tonight, that we can carry with us into many more evenings in the future. This is just the beginning, sweetheart," Kate assured the taller woman, guiding her towards the bedroom and flicking off the lamps and television as they went. "I'll be right back," she called, veering off towards the bathroom.

Abbie flopped down onto the bed, briefly considering how perfect it was that Kate's preferred side for sleeping on was the opposite to her own. Her eyes roamed around the compact room, seeing her own belongings merging in so easily besides the older woman's and feeling a warmth spread through her. A lazy smile crept over her face as her eyes drifted shut.

Kate slipped into her bedroom, not sure what she expected to find. The sight which did greet her caused a falter in her step and her to grin widely. Abbie was sprawled atop the covers on what was now her side of the bed, eyes closed, chest steadily rising and falling indicating that she had already begun to succumb to the need for sleep. One arm was tossed carelessly onto Kate's side of the bed as though in open invitation for the older woman to join her. The other arm was bent at the elbow and resting along the top of Abbie's head, hand tangled up in some stray locks of wild raven hair. Her legs were slightly parted, left knee bent a little outwards. To Kate, it looked for all the world as though the attorney had fallen asleep as soon as she lay down. Climbing gently onto the bed beside her partner, Kate soothed a warm hand over Abbie's cheek, coaxing her to wake enough to take care of any bathroom requirements and to make herself more comfortable beneath the covers.

"Kate?" Abbie murmured sleepily as she was roused.

"I'm here, honey," the redhead replied tenderly.

"Wanna make it memorable," came the drowsy response.

"Make what memorable, Abs? Tonight?" Kate queried, earning a hum of approval. "It already has been, sweetheart, and there's plenty of time for us to celebrate moving in together." She eased Abbie into a seated position on the edge of the bed, nudging her on until she stood.

"You smell good," Abbie mumbled, still only semi-awake.

"Go brush your teeth then I can give you a goodnight kiss." The mother in Kate was roaring to the fore, her nurturing instincts taking over as she assessed just how exhausted her partner was. She watched the young woman shuffle out of the room before turning her attention to the bed, pulling back the covers and readying it for Abbie's return. She quickly ran a brush through her unruly auburn mane and massaged her moisturiser into her face.

Kate was just settling herself into bed when Abbie stumbled back in through the doorway. As soon as the Texan lay down, she rolled towards Kate, seeking out her lips for the promised kiss. Kate one-handedly pulled the covers up over them both without breaking their kiss, wrapping Abbie up in a secure embrace and lulling her off to sleep with soothing strokes and tender pecks.

"Sleep well, my sweet girl," the flame-haired woman murmured as she too surrendered to her slumbers wrapped around her lover with whom she now shared so much, including her home.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 21st 2009<strong>_

_**06.09**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48th Street**_

"Al?" Olivia called sleepily as she padded barefoot through the apartment. "Al, you here?" Silence met her ears, swiftly followed by the sound of a key turning quietly in the lock of the front door. Rubbing the last vestiges of sleep from her eyes, Liv shuffled towards the sound, her expression comically quizzical as she spied Alex attempting to juggle a small, plain white box and the water bottle she took whenever she went running whilst trying to shut the door behind her as quietly as possible. "Want me to hold something for you?" Liv called softly, wry amusement colouring her tone.

"Geez, Liv," Alex shrieked, narrowly avoiding dropping her wares as she reacted to the unexpected address. "Don't sneak up on me like that!" she scolded, heart hammering in her chest.

"How long have you been up?" the brunette asked, reaching out to take something from her girlfriend's hands only to have them swatted away as Alex breezed by her, dressed in her jogging gear. With a rueful shake of her head at the blatant stubbornness, and forcing her eyes as wide as they would go in an effort to keep them open, Liv turned to follow the attorney into the kitchen.

"Long enough to fit in an eight mile run," Alex mentioned casually, internally bracing herself for the explosion she expected would follow at pushing herself so demandingly so soon after her surgery. Her mind was already phrasing her explanation, ready to defend her actions.

"Too much nervous energy to stay still huh?" Liv merely offered, moving past her to bring the coffee machine to life. Whilst the detective didn't approve of Alex's willingness to overlook her physical frailties, she did understand the need to exorcise some of the pent up energy that she suspected was bubbling inside the committed attorney.

"Yeah," Alex breathed, the wind taken from her sails at the easy acceptance.

"It's going to be ok, you know? Everything's going to work out; the trial, work, our relationship. It's all going to be good," Olivia insisted with a deep, breathy sigh.

"You don't know that, Liv…" Alex began frustratedly, wondering how on earth Olivia could be so calm in the face of what was about to begin.

"But I do. Sam told me so," the older woman insisted contentedly. She spied the sceptical look which settled on her lover's features and, with a deep sigh, explained. "Rationally, I know it's impossible and it's just my subconscious telling me what I want to hear but I believe it. I believe it's exactly what Sam would have said had she been able to, had she been here to tell me herself. I had a dream last night. You and I were walking barefoot along a beach, at the edge of a vast rolling ocean. I don't know whether it was dawn or dusk but it was that soft, warm light you get just as the sun comes up and goes down, you know?" Liv hurried on without waiting for a response. "We were holding hands, the water splashing up around our feet, enjoying being together. It felt so right, so free, so perfect. I remember feeling like I'd never been happier than I was in that moment. And then Sam was walking alongside us, telling us that this was what our future was going to look like, that we needed to weather the tough times facing us but that it will only ever bring us closer together, make our bond stronger, more indestructible than ever. She gave us her blessing, she told me that I was home now, that you and I belong together. Jackson is going to get his comeuppance, Abbie and Kate have happy times ahead and you and I will never look back with any kind of regrets. Alex, I don't care where that belief comes from, I just know that I trust it, I trust how certain it makes me feel. Whatever lies ahead - and I'm not naive enough to think it's all going to be plain sailing and sweet smelling roses - I _know_ in my heart that we will come out on top, together, always."

Alex stared at the willowy brunette, mouth slightly open as she heard the impassioned speech. Her own fears, her insecurities threatened to crowd out the warm feeling that Olivia's words invoked but suddenly they all faded. A strength unlike any she had ever known threaded itself through her core, leaving her feeling invincible, yet still humble enough to forego any arrogance which might come with such a sensation. Like Olivia, she knew beyond all doubt that she and Abbie would triumph in their case against Jackson and when they did, she silently vowed to make that walk along the beach a reality. Words failed her so she sought to convey her understanding, her acceptance, her belief through actions, crossing the small space between them and sweeping her lover into a ferocious embrace. The marginally taller woman peppered Liv's face with hot kisses, gripping her tightly to her. "God, I love you," she murmured between desperate kisses. Grasping one of Olivia's hands, Alex brought it to her chest, laying it directly over her thundering heart. "This is yours, now and forever. No matter what happens, no matter where we are, together or apart - God forbid we should be apart but even if we are - there's no one and nothing else that can ever take my love away from you."


	78. Chapter 77a

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Thanks for the reviews, the reads, the alerts etc. Glad to see there are still readers out there for this despite the inadvertent hiatus. And thank you, too, to those who have sent me well wishes. It's an ongoing process but every day is a step forward.**_

_**Bucken-Berry, sorry you found some of the chunks of dialogue tough to read in the last chapter due to their length but each pertained to a certain point being made, so it would have been nonsensical to split them up. New paragraphs, as much as being there for ease of reading a piece, are to illustrate when one point has been concluded and the next is beginning. Plus on my screen, the longest paragraph only ran to 8 lines. I get that we all use different devices etc for accessing the site but there weren't pages long blocks of text with no paragraphing there. Thanks for the feedback to consider though and hopefully, further into this chapter, you'll see that the method you outlined is in fact already in practice .**_

_**Justice Reader, I'm always open to accepting constructive criticism but really do prefer it to be delivered in at least some semblance of a polite and respectful manner. If I took your words at face value, I could be forgiven for thinking that I need to pull the entire story offline because not a single word of it makes sense: "we don't say rubbish or any of that other stuff". Granted it is a long while ago now, but I did state at the beginning of this story that I'm a Brit, living in England and that there are likely to be some phrases/words that creep in which may not be wholly accurate. I do what I can, I generally re-read with a critical eye when time permits me to but I'm only human. If my use of language bothers you so strongly that it detracts from the story then perhaps this is not the story for you. I will continue to try to keep the British-isms to a minimum but again, there may be times when a few slip through, especially while I get my head totally back into this tale. A polite, well structured advisory word here and there is sufficient, I don't need to be smacked over the head with it.**_

_**I'll also preface this chapter with a disclaimer that I'm no legal expert, I've done what research I can but apologies if anything within the trial sections of this chapter and beyond ring untrue. I'm not intelligent enough to practice law in my own country let alone know all the ins and outs and finer nuances of another country's legal system.**_

_**Anyway, thanks again to each of you for all your feedback, whatever the content, and continued interest in this story. I've re-uploaded the previous 6 chapters after noticing an error on the dates. Unless I noticed spelling/grammar errors when sorting the spacing etc, that's all that's changed in them.**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 21st 2009<strong>_

_**06.32**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

Kate yawned widely as she stretched her arms and legs out subtly. Abbie's warm body nestled closer beside her as though in silent, subconscious protest to the movement. The redhead smiled, her eyes flickering open and landing on the still slumbering attorney, enjoying her thoroughly relaxed countenance. Kate took a moment to take stock of their relative positions, relishing in the way their bodies had remained connected to one another throughout the night, despite each of them migrating to lie on their backs. Rolling onto her side, she ran a hand over the flat, toned stomach of her lover, feeling the steady rise and fall beneath her palm.

Leaning in as close as she could get, Kate breathed into the younger woman's ear, "time to rise and shine, Abs."

"Hmmm?" came the sleepy, baffled response.

Sliding her hand higher, Kate softly palmed an inviting breast, massaging it tenderly, "wakey wakey, Abbie."

The next groan passing the Texan's lips was lower in timbre, more of a rumble which vibrated in the centre of Kate's chest. The raven-haired beauty sucked in a deep breath as wakefulness swept in and her awareness of the sensual caress grew. "Is this what I get to look forward to every morning?" she growled, her own hand closing over Kate's to prevent the retreat she had sensed coming.

"Perhaps," Kate suggested. "It depends on how soon you tire of waking up to me pawing you, I guess."

"That'll be never," the attorney murmured, rolling over onto her side so that she could face the woman who drove her to distraction with desire and filled her with a greater sense of belonging than she had ever known. "What time is it?"

The redhead wrapped her arm around the slender woman's hips, tugging her closer. "Just after six thirty," she replied. "Did you sleep ok?"

"I think I slept the sleep of the dead. I don't remember even stirring. What did you do to me last night? I never sleep that soundly the night before a trial starts," Abbie asked, only half joking.

"Must have been that sedative I slipped into your drink," Kate quipped, tucking one arm beneath her head and laying back down on her crooked elbow.

"You didn't…" Abbie began pushing herself up to scowl down at the older woman.

"Of course I didn't. You were just exhausted last night and hopefully relaxed enough to completely surrender yourself to the need to sleep," the redhead hastened to assure her. "You want to use the bathroom first? What time do you need to leave?" As much as Kate wished they had time to fool around, she realised that Abbie would need to be making tracks before too long and wanted to do nothing to add to the stress of what undoubtedly would already be a trying day for the US Attorney.

"We could just save time and water by showering together..." Abbie grinned suggestively.

"As ecologically-friendly as that sounds, I think we both know that it would save neither time nor water. In fact, I'd hazard a guess that we would actually spend longer in there and have to wash at least twice before we could be considered hygienic!" Kate rejoined cheekily. "Besides, I'm no skinny bean like you and that shower stall is a snug fit for me at the best of times. And whilst I very much enjoy being in close quarters with you, I'd hate to inadvertently injure something precious because of a lack of manoeuvring space." The redhead allowed her sincere regret to show in her expression before she leaned in and placed a chaste kiss against Abbie's lips. "Now go on, scoot. Get in that shower and brush your teeth so I can give you a proper good morning kiss."

Abbie pouted in mock sullenness at her lover's refusal, adding a quiver to her bottom lip for good effect.

"Enough of that, young lady, or I'll revoke that kiss altogether!" the older woman scolded teasingly, playfully rolling the raven-haired attorney onto her back and nudging her towards the edge of the bed.

"Okay, okay, I'm up," Abbie grumbled, muttering under her breath as she trudged towards the bathroom about the unfairness of some women.

"Keep it up, lover-girl and see how far it gets you," came the amused call from somewhere in the vicinity of the hallway which lead to the lounge and kitchen.

"Love you," the Texan shouted back, hopefully. The only response was a gleeful chuckle from her partner.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 21st 2009<strong>_

_**07.34**_

_**Olivia Benson's apartment, East 48th Street**_

"You all set?" Olivia asked, brushing her hands down her lover's arms as though soothing out non-existent creases from her suit jacket sleeves. The attorney had taken great care in choosing her attire, knowing that how she presented herself was important to the impression the jury, those in the viewing gallery and the court officials had of her. She could afford for nothing, no tiny detail, which might undermine her credibility to be overlooked.

"I think so. Are you sure this colour is right?" the tense blonde fussed, eying herself critically in the mirror near to the front door.

"You look perfect," the detective demurred. A thousand additional adjectives sprung to mind but she realised that the other woman needed professional reassurance at that moment, rather than personal recognition of her beauty. "Authoritative yet approachable, it's the ideal balance but if you're not comfortable, if you're not confident, then you need to change into something you do feel those things in. You can't project an image in court if you're busy worrying that the judge thinks you're being disrespectful because of what you're wearing."

"No…no…I trust you to tell me if I'm way off base. I know I'm overreacting and once the arguments start flowing, no one will even notice what I'm wearing…" Alex babbled, still turning this way and that, critically appraising her reflected image.

"There's only one thing that's missing," Liv stated, reaching for an object on the side table in front of them.

"Oh God, what? What have I forgotten?" Alex cried, her stomach plummeting into her boots and quickly rebounding in her panic.

"These," the brunette hummed, sliding the much loved black rimmed glasses onto her partner's face, settling them snugly atop the bridge of her patrician nose before stepping back to admire her handiwork. "Oh yeah, definitely perfect. They're going to be ready to lap up anything you have to say to them."

Alex once again turned to examine her attire, expecting there to be little to no difference but her girlfriend was right. The glasses made all the difference, both to the impression the outfit afforded and to the way in which Alex felt able to carry herself.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 21st 2009<strong>_

_**09.34**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

"Excuse me, is there a detective I can speak to about Harry Mack?" a nervous looking woman with mousy brown hair enquired as she stood tentatively at the threshold of the bullpen. Dark circles ringed her eyes and her posture suggested a world-weariness which belied her years.

"Might we ask in what context you wish to discuss Mr Mack?" Elliot asked, rising from his desk and cautiously approaching the woman, all too aware of how high profile cases tended to bring out the nut-jobs as well as encouraging the press to try any angle to garner crumbs of information to pad out their sensationalist stories.

"My daughter…she… We moved here from California just over eighteen months ago, after her father managed to find work here. Harry Mack assaulted my daughter, just like he did that other girl, the one from the news story. And because of him, because of what he did to her, my little girl is lying in a coma having tried to take her own life." The distraught mother's stoic facade crumbled as the full extent of her trauma was exposed. Tears streamed over her cheeks as one hand flew to her mouth to try and stifle the sobs she felt building in her chest.

Olivia moved swiftly, snatching up some tissues from the box she kept on her desk, and escorted the woman into a side room, Elliot following close behind. As they got the visitor settled into a chair, placing a plastic cup, filled with water from the cooler, in front of her, Liv gently said, "I'm Detective Benson, this is my partner, Detective Stabler. Can you start by telling us your name and your daughter's name?"

"Denise…Denise Ellington. My daughter is Jenna, same surname," the distraught mother supplied, taking a sip from the cup before her.

"Ok Mrs Ellington, take your time. What brought you to the conclusion that Harry Mack assaulted your daughter?"

"She told me…and I didn't believe her, not at first." Mrs Ellington dropped her head into her hands, furiously pressing the heels of her palms against her tightly shut eyes as though trying to physically remove images haunting her.

"What exactly did your daughter say happened to her?" Elliot pressed gently, his tone sympathetic and patient.

"I was doing the laundry and saw blood in her panties. I went to talk to Jen, thinking that she had begun her first period. I wanted to make sure she knew what to do, that she was ok but she told me it had happened after she had sex with him. I asked her when it had happened, when she had been alone with Harry Mack for them to do such a thing. She said it had been when her father took her on a tour of the television station he is working at - he's a janitor. She had to hide in the closet while her father was called in to a meeting with his boss, apparently he didn't get the station manager's permission before taking her into work. According to Jenna, that boy climbed into the closet through a vent in the ceiling, saw her there and started chatting to her. When he realised she knew who he was, he told her he'd give her a special gift if she promised not to tell anyone she'd seen him. She agreed. She idolised him so the chance of getting something special just for keeping a secret for him was too tempting to say no to. His 'gift' to her was to take her virginity from her in a dingy cupboard amongst mop buckets, ladders and tools. I'll never forgive myself for assuming she was fantasizing, that her imagination had run away with her. It just sounded too fantastical to be true. I told her to stop day dreaming, that her period was just a normal part of becoming a woman and she needn't make up stories for why she might be losing some blood. She never mentioned it again and I'd forgotten it until I saw the story about Harry Mack on the news. I went to ask Jenna about it, to see if she would stick to her story of him forcing himself on her. I found her with an empty bottle of my pills beside her on the bed, my nail scissors in her hand and blood everywhere. Her journal was on the locker next to her bed." Mrs Ellington broke off from her tale, producing a worn-looking book from her purse. She tossed it onto the table, indicating that the detectives should read the rest for themselves.

Elliot reached out and snagged the journal, flicking through the pages to find the most recent entries and scrolling back page after page, trying to find when the original incident had taken place.

"What medication did your daughter take?" Olivia asked gently, trying to direct the mother's attention.

"Warfarin. I take it because I have a nasty habit of getting blood clots. I just filled the prescription on Friday." Tears seeped from the corners of Denise Ellington's eyes as she recalled the amount of blood which had escaped from her daughter's body through the combination of the blood-thinning drug and the several cuts she had made to her arms. "The doctors have given her vitamin K and frozen plasma to try and reverse the effects but it will be a waiting game to see how she recovers from the blood loss she suffered before I found her and she was able to be treated."

Elliot handed the journal to his partner, drawing her attention to one passage in particular.

"_HM was on the television again tonight, smiling like he's untouchable. And why wouldn't he? Because he can get away with everything, can't he? My own mum didn't believe me when I told her what he did to me, how he hurt me so why would anyone else believe he's capable of doing something like that? I used to dream of him being my first real boyfriend. Now, I'll always have to live with knowing he was and that it was nothing like my dreams. I hate him. I hate what he's made me. I hate how I see his face, how he looked as he was pushing himself into me, every time I close my eyes. I just want it to stop."_

Olivia's heart went out to the young girl whose dream became a very real nightmare, one which ultimately had proven too difficult for her to cope with alone. "Mrs Ellington, how old is Jenna?"

"She's just thirteen, still a baby really. She's too young to know about such cruelties," Denise cried, her features hardening as she fixed both detectives with a steely glare. "Tell me he will pay for what he did to her. Tell me that her journal is proof enough for you to charge him with my daughter's rape as well as this other girls."

"I'm sure you'll understand that we will need to corroborate her story with her father, the television station and question Mr Mack in relation to it as well. If there is sufficient evidence, then we will certainly pass it to the DA's office to be included in the list of charges Mr Mack is facing," Elliot supplied, not unsympathetically, though with a note of caution in his tone.

"I would hope that you will investigate, fully and thoroughly, to give my daughter some hope of justice. If he has done it to my daughter and to this other girl, who's to say there aren't more unfortunate young girls who have been taken advantage of by their idol, Harry Mack?" Mrs Ellington posed, inviting the detectives to share a charged glance as each barely suppressed their groan. Their case just became a potential circus with every over-protective parent and hysterical teenage girl liable to accuse the superstar of assault in the hopes of courting fame or receiving a heft payout.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 21st 2009<strong>_

_**09.47**_

_**New York City Supreme Court**_

Abbie rose from her seat behind the prosecution's table, her attention focussed solely on the panel of twelve people who had been tasked with deciding Jackson's guilt or innocence of the crimes with which he had been charged. She strode confidently, but without arrogance, towards them, looking each of them in the eye to establish some form of rapport and subtly attempting to read how open their minds were to what she was about to say. Alex watched on with keen interest, eager to see Abbie in action. The young attorney exhibited no signs of the nerves which had kept her checking, re-checking and triple checking that they had all the evidence they needed prior to entering the court room.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, during the course of this trial, myself and my colleague, Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot, will present evidence and witnesses to support the assertion that the Defendant, Mr Craig Jackson, is guilty of the murder of his wife, Shona Jackson, and of inciting and facilitating the murder of Miss Samia Camanetti, a teacher who worked alongside Mr Jackson at St Joseph's School. The Prosecution intends to prove beyond reasonable doubt that the Defendant's motive for these killings amounts to nothing more than homophobia, making this a hate crime against a sub-section of our society." Stepping back to the table, Abbie retrieved two photographs, one of each of the victims. Holding the first aloft, she continued her opening speech.

"Shona Jackson was a loyal wife, committed to making her marriage work until the situation became untenable. Mrs Jackson died alone, slowly and undoubtedly painfully, at the foot of a stairwell on a New York city sidewalk following a brutal and frenzied attack. She was killed because she refused to be used against her will any longer for her husband's sexual gratification or to be shared with his friends as though she was a prostitute. She was killed because her husband convinced himself that she was being unfaithful to him by having a relationship with another woman, a woman who Shona Jackson had reached out to in an attempt to end the violence and degradation she was suffering within her marriage." Abbie took a moment, making sure each juror had at least glanced in passing at the picture of Shona Jackson's smiling face. She switched it for a small version of Sam's Venice Beach photograph, having asked Gina and Olivia if they would mind her using it, knowing that it would offer the jury a very human image of the woman whose death they were indicting Jackson on. "Samia Camanetti was killed by a bomb which had been fastened to her as she was held at gunpoint in the back of a van, in which the Defendant was a passenger. Her life was held to ransom as Detective Olivia Benson, Miss Camanetti's partner of just under twelve months, was forced to choose between evacuating a school, where further bombs had been planted, and saving her lover. Samia Camanetti was targeted by the Defendant solely because of her homosexual relationship with Detective Benson. Miss Camanetti became the focal point for the Defendant's rage, his disgust, his violence, following Shona Jackson's death, Mrs Jackson's perceived infidelity being transferred to Miss Camanetti despite Miss Camanetti having never acted in any manner other than professionally towards the Defendant.

"The Prosecution will read transcripts from a diary, written by Mr Jackson himself, in which he describes the events leading up to the deaths of both women, his belief that his wife was being unfaithful to him by allegedly engaging in a relationship with another woman and the anger he harboured as a result of this. We will present a range of witnesses who can testify to Mr Jackson having grown increasingly embittered and possessive towards Miss Camanetti in the months leading up to her murder, associating her with his wife's alleged infidelity on the grounds of Miss Camanetti's own sexuality and her rebuttal of his frequent advances, despite Mr Jackson being aware that Miss Camanetti was in a stable and committed relationship. We will exhibit documents, created by the Defendant, which illustrate his increasing dependence on illegal substances and their subsequent effect on his decision making and rationality.

"The Prosecution will introduce an outcry witness to whom Mrs Jackson spoke shortly before her death, who will testify to the sexual degradation Mr Jackson subjected his wife to. We will present photographic and video evidence to support the claims made by Mrs Jackson which you may find disturbing, but we impress that you must set aside any personal sentiments you may have regarding the content and consider them purely on their relevance to this case. The Defence will provide pictures which appear to show Mrs Jackson engaging in an intimate relationship with another woman. The Prosecution will illustrate that the encounter photographed was taken out of context by the Defendant and used to further his own agenda.

"The Defence will argue that Mr Jackson is an innocent bystander whose drug use rendered him susceptible to persuasion by an unscrupulous third party. They will undoubtedly catalogue Mr Jackson's many years as a respected teacher and principal at a variety of schools in an attempt to blind you to the true nature of the defendant. The Prosecution will assert that the very fact that the defendant allowed himself to become reliant on illegal narcotics whilst in a position of authority undermines any assertion of his good character. The Defence will try to argue that the evidence suggesting Mrs Jackson's death was not accidental is inconclusive due to the manner of her demise. The Prosecution, however, have statements from two highly regarded professionals within the Medical Examiner's office which will conclude beyond reasonable doubt that the brutal injuries Mrs Jackson sustained which led to her death could not have been caused accidentally.

"The Prosecution will hear from Detective Olivia Benson, a decorated officer of the New York Police Department, who was with Miss Camanetti in the moments leading up to her death. Detective Benson will testify to the terror and despair which Miss Camanetti inevitably felt knowing that she was about to die in a most horrific and violent manner and how, even in her final moments, her thoughts were for the safety of others over her own comfort and welfare. We will hear from other law enforcement officers who were involved with the evacuation of the diner in which Miss Camanetti was killed and the school which was threatened in the attack. We will present statements from Miss Camanetti's friends and colleagues which will show her to be a woman with no capacity for evil or malice of any kind, refuting any claims of provocation that the Defence may present.

"Another individual, believed to be responsible for providing the explosive material used in the bombing, is being sought by police in relation to the murder of Miss Camanetti but has yet to be apprehended. It is clear that Mr Jackson did not act alone in her killing, though it is our intention to prove that he was a key component in facilitating her death. The Prosecution will demonstrate how, through his fixation on Miss Camanetti, the Defendant made it possible for the third party to have access to Miss Camanetti in order to attach the bomb to her which subsequently killed her. We will illustrate that the Defendant's fixation on Miss Camanetti pre-dated his being approached by the man responsible for providing the bomb which killed her and that it had been his intention all along to see her die for what he saw as her perversion.

"Each of you has been chosen to sit on this jury because you have demonstrated an ability to look beyond any beliefs you may personally hold regarding some aspects of this case. I take this opportunity to remind you of the promises you made when being sworn in as members of this jury. We are not here to debate the rights and wrongs of same sex relationships or the right to have differences of opinion regarding such emotive issues. You are here to draw conclusions based on the facts as they are presented to you. The Prosecution will provide you with the strongest facts available to us to support the conclusion that the Defendant is guilty of the crimes with which he is charged." Abbie made sure to catch the eye of each juror once more as she thanked them for their time before making her way back to her seat. It had gone well, she felt. None of the jurors avoided her gaze, there was a keen sense of interest laced with just an appropriate trace of indignation at the scenario she had laid down for them. It left her hopeful that she had done everything she could to not alienate any member of the jury before the main body of the trial got underway. Silence reigned in the courtroom as Abbie re-took her seat, everyone present held in rapt anticipation of what was to come. Alex subtly slid one hand across the narrow divide between herself and her colleague, briefly squeezing her arm in support of a job she considered well done.

The defence attorney, William Barrett, rose from his seat, smoothed a hand over his tie and slicked back his dark, receding hair, never once making eye contact with the jurors before launching into his opening argument. Whether it was arrogance or a strong belief in the credibility of his argument, Abbie couldn't say but she watched the jury with interest, seeing how at least two of them subtly raised their defences against his words from the outset in direct response to his aloof, dismissive manner.

Finally, the public defender cast his gaze over to where the twelve people, tasked with delivering a verdict, were seated, fixing his eyes on a spot just above the middle of the second row. "The Prosecution would have you believe that my client is a cold, calculating killer, that he is a man incapable of remorse or contrition. The truth is a very different matter indeed. Mr Jackson is as much a victim as the women whose lives were lost in such tragic circumstances. The third party involved in Miss Camanetti's death, to whom the Prosecution alluded, preyed on my client, exploiting his weakness caused by the many stress factors in his life and used him as a weapon of targeted destruction. Just as the gun itself cannot be blamed in a shooting, nor can my client be blamed for being manipulated by a dangerous and ruthless terrorist who was Hellbent on bringing death and destruction to Miss Camanetti's door.

"The definite circumstances surrounding Shona Jackson's death are still shrouded in mystery. Her body was discovered at the foot of a flight of concrete stairs. As the Prosecution themselves have stated, Mrs Jackson was alone when she died so she, and only she, can know the truth regarding the manner and nature of her death. From wounds and trace evidence, experts in the field can make a best guess at the events which led to her untimely and tragic death but, as the Defence will show, there is still much room for doubt, much scope for alternative interpretations of the evidence which will be presented to you.

"Mr Jackson does not deny involvement in what might be considered by some to be more kinky sexual relations with his wife but it is his firm belief that both he and his late wife were consenting participants at all times. The videos and photographic images you will be shown may look as though Mrs Jackson is unwilling but, as with any role play, it was all an act, all part of the game they played to keep their sex life healthy, thriving and from becoming stale.

"It is not a criminal offense to harbour fantasies, no matter how dark those fantasies are. Nor is it a crime to record such imaginings in a private diary or journal for an individual's own enjoyment. The writings which the Prosecution will present to you are examples of such; my client's own personal fantasies, which though they may be disturbing to some, were never intended to be shared publicly, nor acted upon. The Defence will also demonstrate that Miss Camanetti was fully cognizant of the fantasies Mr Jackson harboured towards her and that she actively went out of her way to encourage them." Abbie felt Alex tense in the seat beside as though readying herself to launch out of the chair and holler her objections to the insinuation that Sam was somehow complicit. The brunette laid a gentle, yet firm hand against her colleague's forearm, silently imploring her to let the pompous, arrogant defence attorney continue to provide the rope with which he would ultimately hang himself and his client. "The Defence will illustrate how Miss Camanetti continuously flaunted her sexuality in front of Mr Jackson, knowing his beliefs regarding homosexuality, despite his numerous warnings to cease, knowingly fuelling the very fantasies he is being prosecuted for expressing in his private journal. Mr Jackson does not deny that he was wrong to engineer a meeting between Miss Camanetti and her murderer but he had no reasonable means of knowing what would happen once he made the introductions." Without any further elaboration or direct address to the jury, the defence attorney retook his seat. Even the judge seemed to be caught unawares by his abrupt ending, taking a moment to gather her thoughts before calling proceedings to order.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 21st 2009<strong>_

_**10.33**_

_**New York City Supreme Court**_

"Ms Tian, can you describe to the court how you came to know Mrs Shona Jackson?" Alex requested, deliberately standing facing the jury, with the witness stand to her left.

"Mrs Jackson shopped at my parent's bodega where I work. She called in there many times, on her way home from work she told me. Mrs Jackson was a kind lady. One day when she was there, a display of tins was knocked over by a child. Mrs Jackson helped me to re-stack the display. We started talking and found that we shared many interests, including art. I invited her to an exhibition with me - a friendly gesture, nothing more - but she declined, saying that her husband didn't like her being away from him more than necessary. The way she said it made me worry for her but I passed it off as paranoia. I have my own history of domestic abuse and though I try not to let it affect my impressions of others, there are times when I have to stop myself from assuming the worst." Mei Tian paused, gathering her thoughts as a shiver ran down her spine at the memory of the frightened woman who had eventually asked her for help.

Alex helped to move the young woman on, aiming to keep her focussed on the present rather than becoming lost in recollections of the past and what might have been. "When did you become more certain that your initial concerns were not unfounded?"

"After I had been to the exhibition, when Mrs Jackson next came into our shop. There were marks on her wrist, as though she had been held, tightly…"

"Objection, conjecture," the defence attorney barked.

"Your Honor, if I may re-phrase the question?" Alex requested, imploring a little leniency from the judge.

"I'll allow it for the time being, Ms Cabot," Judge Farrell announced imperiously, a note of warning in her tone that she would only grant a certain amount of clemency.

"Ms Tian, what led you to believe that Mrs Jackson's injuries were caused by another person as opposed to an accidental collision with an object?" Alex asked.

"I saw her wrist clearly. There were three clear finger marks along the top of her wrist. I may be no medical expert but I had similar injuries myself on enough occasions to recognise them when I see them," Mei announced confidently.

Alex looked to the judge expectantly, receiving a brusque nod of acceptance, before she continued with her next question. "Did you ask Mrs Jackson how the injury had occurred?"

"I did. Shona…Mrs Jackson invited me to stay out of her business and denied that anyone was harming her," Mei replied, adding, "but I did mention to her that I had experience of an abusive relationship and could try to help her, if ever she decided she needed it."

"Was that the only occasion Mrs Jackson showed signs of being roughly handled by someone?" Alex enquired, moving on before the defence could launch another objection.

"No. I saw many bruises, both fresh and fading, around her wrists, just inside the collar of her work shirt, even one on her face - her cheek - which she was trying to conceal under make-up," Mei announced, recalling each incident as though it had happened just yesterday.

"Over what period of time did you see these injuries?" the ADA pressed, wanting to give the jury a tangible timeline for the events.

"Approximately two months between noticing the bruising to her wrist for the first time to her finally asking me to help her get out of her situation." The young woman on the stand remained confident and concise with her responses, just as she had been directed by the two attorneys.

"What did Mrs Jackson say to you when she asked for your help?" Alex asked, looking askance at the defence attorney as he leapt to his feet once again vehemently asserting his objection to the line of questioning.

"Your Honor, there is no means of corroborating what was or was not said during any conversation between Ms Tian and Mrs Jackson."

"Overruled. The Defence will have their chance to cross-examine the witness at which point they can explore any weaknesses in Ms Tian's testimony," Judge Farrell barked, having already had this argument with the defence attorney prior to the trial commencing when the list of witnesses was presented.

Mei looked to Alex for confirmation that she should respond to the original question, only continuing when she received an understanding prompt from the ADA. "Mrs Jackson was more reluctant than usual to leave the store one afternoon when she came in. She let the other customers go ahead of her to be served and only approached the counter when we were alone. I understood, from the look in her eyes, that she wanted my help. I locked up and took her through to the store room at the rear of the shop and made some herbal tea. It took time for her to be able to tell me what had happened to change her mind about needing to get away from her situation but she spoke to me of how her husband had ignored her when she told him she didn't want sex with him the previous evening. She told me that she was menstruating and was not wanting to engage in intercourse with him…but Mr Jackson insisted that there were other orifices he could use that her period would not affect. Shona described how he had pinned her down on the bed, face down, and used his body weight to keep her there while he removed her panties. He forced himself on her, anally, going as far as to tie her up when she continued to resist him. She said that she begged and pleaded with him to stop, telling him how much it hurt and that it was not what she wanted but he refused to stop, even when she was sick. She said that he told her she had no right to stop him, that their marriage contract allowed him to do whatever he pleased to her and that by signing it, she had consented to him doing so." It was obvious from Mei's expression that it was still difficult for her to describe the abuse she had been told about and a brief glance at the jury alerted Alex to a number of them appearing to find it unsavoury to hear about also.

"Ms Tian, did Mrs Jackson indicate how long this particular episode had lasted?" Knowing that the jury members were susceptible to feeling the full force of distaste at the man's alleged actions, Alex pressed Mei to continue relaying Shona Jackson's sorry tale.

"She said that he had kept her tied up all night, made her lie exposed and in her own vomit for hours, telling her that he didn't want her to think she could deny him access to her body whenever he wanted it. It was only when morning came that he untied her and ordered her to clean herself up and to change the bed before going to work." Mei's breath became more shaky as her anger and sense of injustice built once again as she thought back to how the fragile woman had broken down, weeping throughout telling her tale of abuse.

"Was Mrs Jackson seen by a doctor or nurse following this alleged incident?" Alex enquired, knowing that the defence would seize on the lack of corroborating medical evidence but preferring to introduce it on her own terms.

"No, she refused to seek any kind of medical advice or treatment, even though I pleaded with her to make sure nothing had been badly damaged. Once she had calmed down, she insisted on going back to him, saying she was scared of what he might do if she didn't get home to him. I wish now I had insisted on her getting checked over," Mei announced sadly.

"Can you describe to the court what happened next?" Alex asked gently, realising it was growing increasingly hard for Mei and wanting to get her ordeal over with as soon as possible.

"Shona started to withdraw money from her bank account, hiding it - I didn't ask where, it was better I didn't know. It was a strategy I had suggested so that she would have access to some funds once she was away from her husband. Shona began to spend more time at the store with me, helping to stack shelves and serving the customers when it was busy. When I asked her if it was safe for her to be spending more time away from home, she told me that she was avoiding her husband as much as she could, that he was beginning to scare her more and more with his jealous outbursts. He was questioning her constantly about what she was doing, where she was spending her time, even on days when she went straight home after work, he wasn't convinced that she was truthful with him. The last time I saw her, Shona told me how her husband had brought another man into their home, a man who wanted to film what her husband did to her. She told me that when she said no to them, they had once again tied her to the bed and forced her to take part in sexual acts against her will, this time recording them." Mei swallowed convulsively, attempting to hold back the bile which threatened to rise as she clearly remembered the degradation which had been described to her.

As gently as she possibly could, Alex retrieved a number of printed images, stills captured from one of the videos seized by the police, and showed them to the witness. "Ms Tian, do these images seem consistent with the acts Mrs Jackson described to you?"

With monumental effort, Mei forced herself to view each of the images, mentally cross-referencing them with what Shona had told her about. "Yes, I would say these are highly consistent with the details Shona Jackson shared with me regarding the events of that night."

"Objection! Calls for speculation. The witness is not in any position to make that kind of conclusive statement from the evidence available," the defence attorney spat, launching himself to his feet.

"Your Honor, Ms Tian was subjected to graphic, detailed descriptions of the events from Shona Jackson's perspective. As such, I think it is more than feasible to assume that Ms Tian is capable of stating if the images in exhibits are in keeping with the descriptions she heard," Alex argued in return, suspecting the her opposition was merely attempting to delay the jury from seeing the photographic images in question.

"Perhaps if Ms Tian could provide a commentary for each image based on what she was told by Mrs Jackson?" Judge Farrell suggested, not really wishing to hear such graphic details but understanding that it was pertinent to the case being tried.

Mei swallowed thickly but, with obvious reluctance, nodded her assent to the judge's request.

"Ok, Ms Tian, take your time and if at any point you need to take a break, let us know," the judge offered sympathetically.

Alex gave her a moment longer to steel herself before picking up the first image, stating the exhibit number for the record and asking Mei to relay what Shona Jackson had described which could justifiably be attributed to the image shown. She repeated the process for each of the four photographs captured from the seized video, watching many of the jurors begin to show signs of being deeply affected by the levels of degradation described. The blonde attorney allowed her own inflections to illustrate that she too was not unaffected by the graphic details, softening her tone, displaying empathy for the witness and allowing some of her distaste to show in her eyes.

"Thank you, Ms Tian. Would you like to take a moment?" Alex offered as she concluded her explanation pertaining to the fourth and final image.

"No, thank you. I'd like to keep going," Mei murmured, clearly deeply affected by what she was being forced to repeat but determined to get through it, for Shona's sake.

"Do you have any idea why Mr Jackson might have concluded that you and his wife were engaged in a relationship of a romantic nature?" Alex asked carefully, knowing this was the one area where the witness appeared less convincing.

"Shona could be very flirtatious on some occasions when she came into the store. The more she told me about her husband's cruelty at home, the more she seemed to crave affection. She kissed me, in the middle of the store, in full view of the sidewalk. It was a one-time thing and I was quick to inform her that I couldn't be with her in a romantic sense. I can only assume that it was that occasion when her husband saw us and came to his misguided conclusion." Mei held her head high, looking directly at Alex as she replied, her stance lending her an air of nobility.

"When did you last see Mrs Jackson?" Alex asked, moving on to her final question for their witness, reluctant to throw her to the defence's dogs but knowing it had to happen sooner or later.

"The night that she told me about her husband bringing that other man home with him. She fell asleep at my home - I took her there because she was so upset and adamant that she didn't want to return home to him. I sat beside her, in a chair near the bed, while she slept. I must have dozed off because when I woke up, she was gone. I never saw her again," Mei answered, her head bowing under the weight of remembering the loss.

"Thank you, Ms Tian. No further questions, your Honor," Alex murmured respectfully, striding back to her seat and receiving a brief, supportive smile from Abbie.

Mei tried not to fidget nervously as she watched the defence attorney approaching. He fixed her with a gaze which reminded her of a shark that could smell blood, a sinister twinkle in his eyes. His demeanour, if designed to throw her off and intimidate her, merely caused her to re-gather her own steely determination not to be shaken.

"Ms Tian, how would you describe your own personal feelings for Shona Jackson?" the smarmy attorney opened, leaning in what he assumed to be a casual manner against the edge of the witness box, adopting a blasé pose.

"I considered her to be a friend, a kindred spirit in need of help and support at the time when I met her but someone who I would have enjoyed being friends with under any circumstances," Mei replied refusing to be drawn into suggestions, no matter how vague, that she had harboured more than platonic affections for the deceased woman.

"Come now, Ms Tian, must I remind you so early in proceedings that you're under oath? Is it not true that you welcomed Mrs Jackson's attention? Indeed, you actively sought to prolong it, finding numerous reasons to engage her in lengthy conversations simply so that she would remain in your store for extended periods of time?" Barrett suggested haughtily.

"No, not at all," the oriental woman insisted, choosing not to elaborate further even as her mind screamed at her to offer more examples of when Shona Jackson had shown signs of significant abuse at the hands of her husband.

"When she kissed you, did you kiss her back?" Barrett asked sharply.

"Perhaps for a moment. She caught me off guard…" Mei attempted to explain only to be cut off in her prime.

"So if a stranger walked up to you in the street and kissed you, would you also kiss them back, if they too caught you off guard?"

"Objection, your Honor. The defence is badgering the witness. Ms Tian has already stated what the nature of her relationship was with the deceased," Abbie exclaimed.

"Sustained. Move along, Mr Barrett," Judge Farrell warned.

The public defender paused momentarily, re-grouping before posing his next question. "Do you assume every woman you meet is a victim of domestic violence?"

"No," Mei insisted.

"Then why make that assumption when you saw the bruises on my client's wife's arm?" Barrett pressed.

"Because of the shape of the bruises…" the witness stated, once again being interrupted by the defence attorney.

"Is domestic violence the only way to sustain such injuries? Could they not also have been sustained through rough but consensual foreplay and sexual activity?" the man bullishly suggested.

"Objection! Calls for conjecture. Ms Tian could not make such an supposition based her knowledge and experience," Abbie called, once again rising to her feet to vehemently defend their witness from the robust questioning.

"And yet the prosecution claim that Ms Tian is expert enough to say conclusively that the injuries she witnessed had been caused by my client through non-consensual use of force," Mr Barrett argued.

"Backed up by Ms Tian's testimony to Mrs Jackson's own explanation of the injuries she sustained," Abbie barracked.

"Testimony which cannot be verified by anyone else as the only other party present at these alleged meetings is unable to speak for herself," Barrett persisted.

"I'll allow for the time being but make your point soon Mr Barrett or I'm shutting this line of questioning down," Judge Farrell advised, her expression sufficiently stern to cause the defence attorney to acknowledge her warning.

"Ms Tian, why did you automatically assume that Mrs Jackson had sustained the injuries through non-accidental, non-consensual means?"

"Her demeanour, combined with the location and appearance of the bruises...they were too reminiscent of injuries I myself sustained at the hands of my ex-husband," Mei explained.

"So you projected your own experiences onto Mrs Jackson. Did you directly mention domestic violence to Mrs Jackson when you broached the subject with her? Did you insinuate that it was your belief her husband had been violent towards her from the outset?"

"No…maybe…I don't remember…no I just said I could help, if she needed to get away from someone hurting her," Mei replied, less certainly than her previous answers had been voiced.

"Would you say Mrs Jackson's mood was stable during the time you knew her? Did she experience fluctuations in her moods?" Mr Barrett asked.

"Some days she was more talkative than others…"

"Is it not the case that you told the detectives in your initial statement that Mrs Jackson was sometimes 'overly flirtations' and other times 'aloof and abrupt'?"

"Yes," Mei agreed, not sure where the attorney was trying to lead her.

"Had you ever known Mrs Jackson to believe something that was untrue?" Barrett queried. "Perhaps that your feelings for her were of a romantic nature?"

"Except for when she kissed me, no, Shona never took it beyond the realms of harmless flirting," the young woman insisted.

"And what about yourself? Did you ever initiate anything more than 'harmless flirting'?" the defence attorney needled.

"Never. My interest in Shona Jackson was purely platonic and based on a wish to help her escape a dangerous and unhealthy situation," Mei replied in clipped tones.

"Did you ever encourage Mrs Jackson to speak to the police regarding the alleged abuse she was suffering?" Mr Barrett asked.

"Repeatedly but she was reluctant because it was her husband's word against her own," she explained.

"Is that your interpretation of her reluctance or did she actually tell you that's why she wouldn't report the alleged abuse?" the attorney pressed.

"I…it…that was the impression she gave me," Mei stammered.

"So she never stated categorically that she wouldn't report her husband to the police because it would be her word against his?" Barrett tried again.

"No but…"

"So you can't state, with any certainty, that the injuries sustained were not as a result of consensual rough sexual relations and that the story concocted by Mrs Jackson was not simply a fabrication created to heighten the sense of excitement she and her husband engaged in, can you, Ms Tian?" Mr Barrett crowed, a self-satisfied smirk adorning his smug face.

Mei took a moment to compose herself, seething internally at the callous way the defence was trying to undermine Shona's suffering whilst fully aware that the woman in question could not refute his claims. "No, I suppose I can't," she admitted grudgingly.

"Thank you, Ms Tian. No further questions," the pompous attorney concluded, giving Mei no chance to elaborate on her response.

Abbie glanced at the jury, trying to read the expressions of those tasked with deciding Craig Jackson's fate, wondering whether any of them had bought the defence's assertion that Shona's injuries had been sustained during consensual acts. Each of the men and women was busy jotting down notes, some more intently than others but beyond that, there were no telltale signs to discern which side of the metaphorical fence they were currently sitting on.


	79. Chapter 78

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_***knock knock* Helloooo? Anyone still out there? If you are, I sincerely apologise once again for the delay in updating. Where is this year going? Seriously, singing seems to have taken over my life. But I did win a gold medal in a competition in Spain (with my chorus, not on my own!) during my absence so I do have something to show for it. Anyway, you didn't come here to hear about any of that.**_

_**Thank you, to everyone who has reviewed so far and continues to read. Welcome to those just joining the journey and thanks for persevering to get this far! I hope you all continue to enjoy reading this tale that has moved on from being my baby to being my troublesome teen now, giving me sleepless nights and answering back when I ask something of it! But it is a labour of love which I am determined to see through to its natural conclusion, whenever that might arrive.**_

_**This chapter does come with a warning that it contains scenes/descriptions which some readers may find difficult to read. I have tried to handle the subject matter sensitively but I didn't want anyone launching into this without at least a heads up that it does contain some details pertaining to sexual assaults.**_

_**Onwards...**_

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 21st 2009<strong>_

_**13.47**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

"How many more reports have we had?" Don Cragen asked wearily from the doorway of his office, casting a gaze around the frantic squad room.

"I got three," Elliot called out as he put the phone down.

"Another two here," Fin chipped in.

"One here," Munch added, strolling to the coffee machine.

"Four possibles here," Liv stated mutedly, having found it increasingly difficult to listen to the allegations pouring in, some obviously fictitious and fanciful, others less clear-cut. She had waded through Harry Mack's schedule, grudgingly made available to them by his management team, and struck off those which would have been impossible based on the information provided. That left her with four potential victims, whose reports lay in front of her, all tauntingly similar in the manner of the alleged attacks.

"We're starting to get calls from other states too so this could just be the tip of a much larger iceberg," Elliot advised.

"Or it could be a lot of hysteria and bandwagon jumping," Munch cautioned, still guarded about the numerous potential pitfalls Mack's fame could present to any case they could build.

"Which is why we take each report, each allegation, on its own merit," Captain Cragen replied. "Split them evenly between you, cross check the victim's statements against potential witnesses, enquire about any CCTV footage even for those which happened months ago - we want to make sure we cover every tiny detail on this one. No slip-ups, no cutting corners, we do this wholly and entirely by the book. Let's see if this is a pattern of predatory behaviour by a young man who thinks his stardom renders him above the law or if it's one or two isolated incidents that others are hoping to capitalise on." The older man watched with satisfaction as his detectives seamlessly coordinated themselves, each taking on responsibility for their potential victims like the well-oiled machine they were. The only one who concerned him in any way was Olivia. He understood that today was a tough one for her, with Jackson's trial starting but she had already assured him she would be entirely focussed on the job. As the morning had progressed however, he had noticed her becoming more and more quiet, a pensive, troubled expression marring her brow. "Detective Benson, could I have a word in my office?" he called softly, his voice empathetic and his expression open and inviting.

"Cap?" she asked simply as she stepped into the small room housing her superior's work space.

"Everything ok? You heard from Alex or Abbie?" Don asked, closing the door and making his way over to the desk, leaning against it on the same side as his sub-ordinate.

"No, but then I didn't expect to. They'll be busy all day. I'm fine, Captain, really," Liv insisted, levelling a gaze at the fatherly man, eyes burning brightly with conviction.

"I'm not trying to undermine you, Olivia. I care about you, everyone here does. We just want you to know that you have our support, you can lean on any of us whenever you need to. The trial is going to be hard, it's going to seem like some of the longest weeks of your life, I'm sure and no one will think any less of you if it takes a toll on you," Cragen tried again, re-iterating what he had already implied earlier in the day.

"I know and I appreciate the support, from you all, really but honestly, I'm fine. It's more this case that's bothering me, the fact that a young man can be so callous, so cavalier in his attitude towards destroying the dreams of girls who idolise him. It's nothing new, I know, and it's nothing we won't have to deal with again and again… Perhaps that's _why_ it is bothering me, because even if we do manage to prove a case against him, it won't change anything, there'll still be someone else, another predator to take his place." Olivia stopped suddenly, realising how jaded she sounded and acknowledging that perhaps, that vacation Alex had mentioned taking once the trial was out of the way, was less of a luxury and more of a necessity to prevent her from burning out completely. She could feel her hunger for the job waning, her passion to do her best for the sake of victims, past, present and future, slipping into the shadows and as much as it should have scared her to be set adrift, time away from the horrors, the violence, the degradation suddenly seemed ever more appealing. "Captain, once this case is wrapped up and the Jackson trial has finished…I'm thinking about taking some time out, getting away, from all this," she gestured towards the squad room with a sweep of her hand. "I'm tired of it all, tired of busting perps only to see them walk or for someone else to step right into their shoes. I'm tired of there always being someone more evil, more willing to do harm out there and there being so little that we can do to prevent it. I'm just…so very tired of mankind's unending ability to inflict pain and terror on one another."

"How long do you think you'll need to take?" Captain Cragen asked, not unkindly but with one eye on the future stability of the unit.

"A couple of weeks, maybe a month, chance enough to let me get away from it completely and to reassess what it is I want from the job. As soon as I know, you'll know too, I promise. And until then, you don't need to worry, I will be giving the case my whole attention. I'll work around when I have to testify in Jackson's trial. Could you give me a chance to let Elliot know, before speaking to anyone in the squad? With…recent events, I think it's only fair he hears it from me," Liv implored.

"Of course," Don agreed, not comfortable at all with the resigned way his female detective was addressing her upcoming sabbatical. From her tone and her words, he could be forgiven for thinking she was tending towards not returning to the unit at all. "Take whatever time you need so you can be clear about what you want to do going forward," he advised paternally.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 21st 2009<strong>_

_**14.21**_

_**New York City Supreme Court**_

"Dr Gurdha, the initial autopsy report indicates multiple contusions around Mrs Jackson's head, neck and shoulders which was attributed to falling down the steps at which she was found at the foot of. When you re-examined the body, what caused you to alter this assessment of how these injuries were sustained?" Abbie asked, being careful not to lead the witness and draw any more ridiculous, time consuming objections from the opposition counsel.

"I was invited to re-examine the body of Mrs Shona Jackson to confirm whether her injuries were consistent with an accidental collision or if there might have been another person or persons involved," the Medical Examiner recited, in clipped English tones. "On my own inspection of the body and the photographs taken at the time of the initial autopsy, I found the bruising along the decedent's jaw to be consistent with a blow from a fist, as evidenced by the darker areas within the contusion. These align with the typical distance between a person's knuckles." The doctor indicated an enlarged print out of an autopsy photograph which clearly showed the bruising in question. "There were further contusions along both forearms, suggestive of a defensive stance," Dr Gurdha added, prompting Abbie to retrieve and display a further image for the jury and judge to view, supporting his statement.

"Were these the only evidence of non-accidental injuries you found during your examination of the body?" Abbie asked, aiming to guide the jury towards the realisation of just how violent Craig Jackson had been to his wife in the weeks and months before her death.

"No. There was significant tearing - some partially healed, other wounds appeared less than 24 hours old - to Mrs Jackson's genital and anal region, multiple contusions consistent with a sustained and brutal sexual event. There were restraint marks around her wrists and ankles, bruising consistent with manual strangulation around her throat - though not sufficient to kill Mrs Jackson as her hyoid bone was intact at her death," the ME advised. "There was evidence of fractures to six of Mrs Jackson's ribs, the age of which varied from up to 12 months and as recent as just two to three weeks at the time of her death. There were also healed fractures to her right radius, three metacarpals on her right hand, the left side of her mandible - jaw bone," he clarified for the jury's sakes, "and to her left clavicle - her collarbone."

"In your expert opinion, which of Mrs Jackson's injuries could have contributed to her cause of death?" Abbie queried.

"My investigation of the original autopsy report, the photographs taken at that time and my own examination of Mrs Jackson's body led me to the conclusion that there were two traumatic brain injuries sustained, either of which could have caused her death. The most apparent resulted from a blow to the left side of her forehead which caused an acute subdural hematoma, an injury which would likely have resulted in a fatality under any circumstances without swift medical intervention. On closer examination however, an earlier epidural hematoma was also noted which appears to have been sustained from an object striking Mrs Jackson's temporal region within an hour of Mrs Jackson's death based on the accumulation of blood in the surrounding tissue. This injury is likely to have caused Mrs Jackson to suffer from an intense headache and possible nausea, with uneven dilation of her pupils as her intracranial pressure increased. It is my belief that the earlier head trauma would have contributed to the likelihood of Mrs Jackson being unsteady on her feet, which may have been a significant factor in the fall which ultimately resulted in her death," Dr Gurdha replied confidently.

Abbie thanked her witness and advised the judge that she had no further questions for the Englishman before striding back to her seat beside Alex who was busy scribbling a note on her legal pad.

'_Jurors three and seven are looking a bit grey. Rest of them showing signs of disgust._' Abbie read as the blonde ADA slid the paper towards her companion.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 21st 2009<strong>_

_**18.34**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's office, 1 Hogan Place**_

"Well I think as days go, we can class that one as a pretty successful opener!" Abbie stated as she flopped bonelessly onto the couch in the corner of her colleague's office.

"I don't think the defence counsel did his client any favours with his antics. I thought the judge was going to have him removed for contempt with that last objection he raised," Alex agreed, setting her attaché beside her desk and flicking idly through the messages left by her assistant. Seeing a few that would need addressing before she called it a day, Alex set about fixing a fresh pot of coffee. "Care to join me?" she offered the Texan.

Abbie glanced at her watch, taking a moment to weigh up her options before deciding, "no, thanks. I'm going to do a quick email check in that cubby-hole Jack calls my temporary office and then I'm going to go and surprise Kate. I know she's intending to spend tonight planning this party for her parents that her brothers have landed her with and I did say I'd help when I could so…"

"Trust me, you've no need to explain yourself to me. I fully understand wanting to spend every moment you can with someone who means a lot to you." The wistful tone in Alex's voice was unmistakable.

"What time does Liv finish tonight?" the dark haired attorney queried, leaning forward, forearms resting against her lean, toned thighs.

This time, it was Alex's turn to check the time before answering. "In around half an hour," she said, adding, "but I have an hour or so's work here that I need to do before I can leave. Besides, if it's been a rough day, chances are she'll head to the bar with the guys to blow off some steam before she heads home."

"What do you have to do that can't wait or can't be passed on to another attorney?" Abbie fired back, unwilling to let her friend work herself into the ground so soon after her return.

"Faurlin needs a report on the Mickleson case so he can defend the evidence against a motion to suppress, SVU need a warrant to access Harry Mack's phone records dating back further than the initial attack. Jack's pressing me for an up to date briefing on where each of my cases are at too, which I should really get to him as soon as possible…"

"Jack can wait, he knows you're busy and he's just trying once again to throw his weight around. He knows which cases you're still handling and which you've passed on to other ADA's, he doesn't _need_ it written down, he just _wants_ to exercise his power over you by making you jump through his hoops. Give Faurlin the case file for Mickleson and pass the warrant request back to Jack for the Mack case - make him pass it on to someone who has the time to deal with it within their working hours, not after a long day in court. Come on Alex, I need you to pace yourself. This case… I can't afford for you to burn out. I need you with me, through the whole trial," Abbie told her emphatically, rising from her seat and approaching the younger woman.

The lithe blonde scoffed, scepticism etched into her patrician features. "We both know that's not technically true, Abs. You could win this case blindfold with one hand tied behind your back. You don't need me, I'm just here to make up the numbers."

"Bull… Alex, I'm not blowing smoke up your ass when I say that I _need_ you onboard to get the result we all want on this case. You think that I asked you to second chair for no good reason? This is a major case, there are a lot of fine details that need to be accurately and clearly conveyed to the jury. There are numerous witnesses who each respond to different approaches more favourably. You have a far better rapport with Tian Mei than me and that worked in our favour with the jury. You're prosecuting this case on merit so please, stop with the talk of making up numbers."

"I'm sorry. You're right, I know, rationally, I know that…" Alex began falteringly.

"It's been a long day, you've a lot going on. It's an emotional time for you, and for Olivia. I appreciate all that and I understand. Just know that I'll be here to steer you back on track whenever you need it…just try not to make it a daily occurrence ok? I'm not sure either of our nerves could stand that!" Abbie teased gently, approaching the weary attorney who was leaning heavily on her desk.

"Watching you in action today, Abs, it's as intimidating as it is inspiring. I can see why you're in the big league and I'm here…" Alex tried again to explain her sudden attack of performance anxiety.

"Are you kidding me? Alex, do you need me to get cited for contempt of court by recording you when you're doing your thing with the witnesses? You own the court room. There's not a single person there, not juror, not judge, nor spectator, who isn't hanging off your every word. You captivate your audience, you draw them in, lead them subtly to the conclusion you want them to make and all the while, you make them believe they're the ones who've done all the hard work in getting to that decision. Your skills, Alex, would be at home in any court in the land. At any level, the smart money would be on you to destroy your opponent, whoever they might be. So please, don't doubt that you can do this because from where I sit and watch you, it's me who needs to worry about upping their game - well, me and the defence attorney - to be anywhere near in the same league as you. I wasn't playing games when I hinted to Jack that I'd be willing to headhunt you if he doesn't treat you right. I meant it, we could definitely use someone with your skills fighting the good fight alongside us in the US Attorney's office." As Abbie spoke, she had moved beside her friend, prising her away from the desk and steering her towards the door. "Go home, Alex. Go home, make contact with Olivia, invite her over or arrange to go sleep at her apartment. Take some time for yourself tonight and come back in the morning ready to nail this son of a bitch to the wall."

With a sigh of resignation, Alex conceded that it would indeed be counter-productive to try to focus on anything other than her partner. The day had left her shaken. Hearing the graphic details of Shona Jackson's abuse, testimony from her colleagues of how her personality had changed in the months leading up to her death, the vehement defence Tian Mei had offered in the face of Barrett's badgering had all affected her far more deeply than she could have envisaged. She felt off-kilter, as though the world were tilting on its axis and her heart was imploring her to find her anchor. The one salve she knew would calm her troubled soul was Olivia Benson. She could only hope that the dark-haired detective would be willing and able to oblige.

Seeing that her work was done, Abbie parted company with Alex after a brief hug and a chaste kiss on her cheek. She prowled through the corridors of One Hogan Place, stalking towards the office of her former mentor, hoping that the DA would still be in residence. She was sick of his mind games where Alex was concerned and whilst she knew without doubt that the young ADA was more than capable of handling the wily older man herself, she couldn't help but feel responsible. Seeing a light burning beyond Jack's door, Abbie knocked on and waited to be granted entrance.

"Ah Ms Carmichael, how did it go in court today?" her old mentor asked obsequiously.

"Better than we could have hoped for. Alex was incredible, as I knew she would be, the defence attorney is looking completely out of his depth and the judge seems to be tiring of his games already. All in all, not bad for day one," the Texan responded evenly, opting to take a less direct approach at tackling her ex sparring partner. When he offered her a drink, she demurely accepted the invitation, lowering herself into one of the plush leather chairs in front of his desk.

"So you're feeling confident you'll have this wrapped up fairly quickly then?" Jack asked, his tone lightly enquiring.

"It's too early to be getting ahead of ourselves, Jack, you know that. Surely it's not so long since you were involved in a trial of this magnitude to know anything can happen and there's a long way to go yet. Today focused mainly around Jackson's wife's death. We've barely even scratched the surface yet with regards to his involvement in Samia Camanetti's murder or the bombs. It will take as long as it takes and to allow any kind of arrogance to creep in would be to invite the defence to win. We'll be keeping our feet on the ground and making sure every detail is delivered accordingly. We owe that to everyone who has suffered as a result of Jackson's actions and we owe it to the people of this city to prevent him from harming anyone else." Abbie allowed only a fraction of her indignation to colour her voice, biting back her frustration as she recognised Jack's deliberate attempt to goad her for what it was. Changing tack, she fired back, "how's that full time assistant for SVU coming along?"

"I'm working on it Abbie, but I'm sure you can appreciate it takes time to juggle people's schedules in order to free someone up to transfer, even temporarily," Jack explained, defending his delay in producing a body to take on the lion's share of Alex's work for the duration of the Jackson trial.

"I do understand that, of course I do. As long as we're both clear that ADA Cabot will not be working herself into the ground, staying here until midnight after a full day in court, producing written reports for you that containing information you have already been issued with verbally. I need her at her best, Jack, at the level she was at in court today, not exhausted, overwrought and burnt out. For as much as she might like to convince everyone she's unflappable, she is only human." Abbie swigged the remainder of her scotch, relishing the burn at the back of her throat as it slipped easily down her gullet.

"I think I know my employees better than you, Ms Carmichael, at least in a professional sense," Jack retorted, hackles rising at the insinuation he would willingly drive one of his staff into the ground.

"Is that so? Then why is it that Alex confides in me rather than you? Why is it that I know more about how exhausted she still is following her surgery to realise that she still needs to pace herself? And before you try that bull again about me sleeping with her, let me be clear once and for all: Alex may be my friend outside of work hours - and trust me, that is _all_ she is - but inside work, she is a trusted colleague and ally with whom I gladly and proudly share a court room. What happened to you, Jack? What happened to the man I used to look up to and hope to emulate? When did politics and game playing become more important to you than the people we're here to serve? If that's what becoming DA does for you, then I'm glad I chose a different path because I would hate to lose sight of what was truly important." Abbie rose from her seat without giving her former boss the chance to reply, stalking out of his office and slamming the door behind herself. Walking a few paces away, she slumped against the wall, attempting to reign in her temper as her mind battled to decide which way to let her feet carry her: towards her makeshift office to do as she had originally intended, checking emails, or towards the elevator to be by Kate's side, forgetting all about work in the company of her lover. Her sense of duty was strong...but her sense of adoration for her partner proved stronger as she drifted towards the elevators, cell phone in hand and a now familiar number already dialling.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 21st 2009<strong>_

_**18.57**_

_**Manhattan SVU**_

"Counsellor, to what do we owe the pleasure of your company this fine evening?" Munch queried as he spied Alex at the entrance to the bullpen.

"Do you have that warrant for us already?" Elliot asked hopefully, though seriously doubting it, knowing that she had been incapacitated all day.

"Unfortunately not, Detective, no, but I will instruct DA McCoy to get someone onto it first thing tomorrow morning for you. I actually came to see if Olivia was still here?" Alex replied, trying valiantly to mask the weariness she felt by injecting every ounce of professionalism she could muster into her tone.

"You're in luck, I am indeed still here," the beautiful brunette announced from behind her lover. "How did it go today?" she asked, not expecting or demanding any details, but rather hoping to know that the younger woman had stood up to the arduous day without any ill effects.

"It went well. So far, so good. Been a long day but worthwhile." Turning around to address her partner directly, she added, "what time are you likely to be able to get away?"

Liv flashed an apologetic glance Alex's way. "Probably not for another couple of hours yet. We've had more reports of potential victims in the Mack case…"

"Hence the warrant request," Alex concluded with an air of understanding. "Not to worry, just thought I'd see if you wanted to come over. I'll get out of your hair and let you plough on through your statements. Don't work too late, ok?" The ADA sought to take her leave before the detective picked up on her inexplicable disappointment.

"Why don't you see if Bev's free? I'm sure she'd love to see you and show off her new place, if you're not too tired to trek over there." Olivia ran her hand tenderly down her lover's arm, wishing she could spend the evening wrapped up in the lithe blonde's embrace, knowing that it would ease the troubled sensation which had settled in her heart earlier in the day and refused to shift ever since.

"Yeah…yeah I might just do that. Let me know when you get home?" the attorney requested quietly.

"Of course," Liv assured, unaware of their interaction being scrutinised by Captain Cragen. "Say hi to Bev for me?" she requested, receiving a tiny nod in response. With a last shy smile, Alex retreated from the room, tossing a farewell over her shoulder to the rest of the squad.

"Olivia, why don't you call it a night? Those statements can wait until morning. Mr Mack is in no position to be an imminent threat to anyone else right now and from what I just witnessed, Alex could use some TLC tonight," Don advised as he stepped out of his office and approached his female detective. He could see Liv was torn between snatching his offer with both hands and her strong sense of duty. "Go on, Elliot can tidy your files away. Catch Alex up and take her home," he suggested in fatherly fashion.

"Thanks Cap'n. I'll see you guys bright and early in the morning," Liv called as she snatched her jacket from the back of her chair and dashed out of the bullpen towards the elevators. She punched the call button furiously, growling when no response was forthcoming. Deciding to forego waiting, she sprinted to the stairs, hurtling down them in the hopes of catching Alex before she could hail a cab. She burst through the door into the entrance of the precinct, narrowly avoiding a collision with a uniformed officer for which she offered a hasty apology before continuing on her chase. She spied the champagne blonde locks of her lover when she skidded to a halt at the top of the steps outside the front doors. "Alex!" she hollered, hoping to be heard above the noise of the traffic.

The ADA was lost in a world of her own, imagining how she would fill the long and lonely evening ahead of her, not feeling good enough company to inflict herself on Bev as Olivia had suggested. She contemplated her options for a meal, knowing there was scant food in her cupboards or refrigerator that could safely resemble a sufficient dinner, not that she had much of an appetite anyway. She figured it would be another evening of cheese and crackers to accompany a movie or some trash TV, or looking over case law in the books she kept at her apartment, as so many of her nights had been spent prior to her involvement with Olivia. It wasn't a prospect she relished but then she scolded herself for being maudlin and relying on her lover to entertain her.

"Hey, Alex, didn't you hear me shouting you?" a soft voice asked beside her ear, making the attorney jump as she was ripped from her reverie.

"Olivia? What is it? Do you need me for something?" Alex asked urgently, assuming that it was a work-related matter that brought the brooding detective to her side.

"I do need you, to keep me company for the evening. I just got tossed out by Dad, he said there's no urgency to follow up on the statements tonight so, if you're still interested in spending the evening together, I'm all yours," Liv announced with a soft smile. Her keen eyes scanned her partner's face, taking in the tiny telltale signs of fatigue that she had previously missed.

"Are you sure? I mean, I understand if you have to do your work or…" Gentle fingers against her lips quieted any further protest from Alex but it was the unspoken plea in those doleful, expressive brown eyes that completely eradicated all thoughts of resistance. "There's nothing I'd like more than to share tonight with you actually," she admitted at length, already feeling her mood evening out and her world's axis righting itself.

"Good because the same goes for me too. Now, what say we find a bodega, pick up some supplies and I'll rustle us up something to eat while you take a shower and get changed into something comfortable?" the brunette offered affectionately, longing to soothe the slight frown from the younger woman's brow but still mindful enough of the public nature of their setting to refrain…at least until they were alone.

"That sounds perfect. My place or yours?" Alex asked, making it clear she would be equally happy with either choice.

"Let's head to yours. We can swing by my place, if that's ok, so I can pick up a change of clothes…" Liv suggested casually, a sense of contentment washing over her at the prospect of another evening with her lover. She had no intentions, no burning desire for any amorous activities to take place - though she wouldn't object if Alex initiated it - just a deep seated longing to curl up with Alex in her arms, taking refuge from both their trying days.

"Why don't you bring something to sleep in too, then once we're in and settled, you won't have to face the upheaval of going home to sleep…and I know I'll sleep better with you beside me," Alex replied, effectively mirroring her lover's thoughts without realising it.

"You have yourself a deal, Counsellor," Olivia stated happily, raising her arm to attract the attention of an approaching cab, holding the door open for the ADA as it pulled to a halt at the kerb beside them and clambering in after her. She barely managed to mask her surprise when she felt the younger woman mould herself to her side as soon as they were settled but pulled the blonde in close all the same, realising she had underestimated Alex's need for affection despite the Captain's words. She made a silent vow to herself to be extra attentive and caring throughout the evening in the hopes that it would soothe her lover's soul as well as her own.

* * *

><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 21st 2009<strong>_

_**20.32**_

_**Kate O'Shea's apartment, Midtown**_

"You didn't have to feed me, sweetheart, but I'm not going to deny, that was very much appreciated and delicious," Abbie stated contentedly as she sat back in her seat, taking a moment to savour the last hints of flavour from her meal as they left her tongue.

"You're welcome. As if I was going to let you come over here, spend your evening organising this party with me and not feed you!" Kate admonished gently, scooping the empty plate up from in front of Abbie before the brunette could protest. When she saw the Texan open her mouth, the buxom redhead guided her attention to the idle laptop which had been pushed aside while they ate. "How about you start looking for a reasonably priced entertainer while I throw these in the dishwasher? I'll be back in a minute to give you a hand." She ran her hand affectionately across the back of Abbie's shoulders, leaning down to press a quick kiss against the tall brunette's temple as she went.

Doing as she was bid, Abbie tugged the laptop towards her, firing up the internet and beginning the search for something tastefully entertaining, suitable for the occasion. As she looked at various singers, bands for hire and DJs, her mind began to drift to a different type of celebration. Her brain conjured up images of herself, dressed in a fine tuxedo, dancing with Kate and beaming with unbridled joy, surrounded by hordes of friends. A deep-seated sense of belonging settled within her as she allowed herself to imagine a day when she and Kate were ready to take that step of exchanging vows and for the first time in her life, she understood why other women dreamed of such a day most of their lives.

"Did you find something already?" Kate asked as she re-entered the room and caught sight of the her lover's joy-filled face.

Abbie's swarthy skin flushed at being discovered, rapidly shaking her head and mumbling, "no, just day dreaming."

"Care to share? It looked fun," the older woman cajoled, slipping into a chair beside Abbie and pulling it close enough for their thighs to be touching.

"Not yet…I don't want to freak you out…" the attorney declared, attempting to re-direct her partner's attention to their search for suitable entertainment.

"Honey, nothing you tell me could freak me out, certainly not something that causes such a radiant smile in you. I want you to be happy so if whatever you were day dreaming about will do that, I want to know so that I can make it come true," Kate persisted, one hand subconsciously tracing random patterns against Abbie's cotton covered leg.

"I am happy, Kate. You already make me happier than I can ever remember being. This…it was nothing we need to consider now, probably not for a long time, if ever… I don't want to assume…"

"But you are assuming. By not telling me, you're assuming that I won't want to be a part of whatever you were thinking about!" the redhead exclaimed, trying to make the younger woman see that she wouldn't be frightened off - not even if her own rising suspicions were proved correct regarding the nature and content of Abbie's daydream.

"Let's just focus on finding something to entertain your family." Abbie shut down any further conversation by resuming clicking on links that the search engine had returned from her query, immediately dismissing a few before stopping to consider that she knew very little about Kate's family or therefore what they would class as suitable entertainment. "What…err…what kinds of music do your parents enjoy? I mean, this is their party right?"

"It is, although it will have to meet my brothers' exacting standards too otherwise all I will hear from now until eternity is how selfish I was about this." Kate sighed and let her arm rest around Abbie's shoulder as she thought about what might be the better musical option. "I guess something like a swing or blues band would be a nice change. Dad would like that a lot."

The Texan re-typed her search parameters and hit the 'Enter' key, waiting the scant few seconds it took for the results to be returned. Absently, as she scrolled down the list, past those she had already looked at and dismissed, she murmured, "your brothers will have no grounding to call you selfish, no matter what you arrange for this party. They're the ones leaving it to you to organise. If they want an opinion, they should earn it by getting involved."

"My brothers…our whole family dynamic…it's complex. We were all brought up with very traditional values so they…they see it as my role to cater for these kinds of things, just as it was always Mom who organised our parties when we were young. It's not that they don't care, they just don't see it as being something they should be involved in except for turning up, drinking the beer, eating the food and generally enjoying the fruits of my labours." Kate shrugged, well used to her family and their eccentricities.

"Don't you ever resent that?" Abbie queried, not unkindly but rather genuinely intrigued. She herself had obliterated much of her childhood experiences from her conscious mind, preferring not to dwell on things she could neither change nor those she didn't wish to influence her future.

"I did, for a while. Now…well now, I realise that Mom and Dad know who does the work for these things and they appreciate it for the most part. I know Mom does. And seeing them enjoy themselves after all they did raising us, that makes it worthwhile," the older woman admitted quietly.

"You're an amazing, generous, big-hearted woman, Kate. Just please tell me that they took care of you when Erin died. Tell me they didn't expect you to cope with that by yourself," the Texan attorney pleaded, knowing that she would find it very difficult to be civil to anyone who had abandoned her lover in her darkest hour.

"They tried their best but you have to realise, I wasn't willing to accept help for a long time. Abbie, I'll be honest with you. I…I didn't deal with Erin dying at all well. No matter how much _anyone_ tried to reach out to me, I didn't want to know. I'm not proud of my behaviour back then. I drank too much, every day, just to numb the gaping chasm Erin's death left in my life. I hated the world for still turning, for life still carrying on regardless when my world felt like it had come to an end. I hated myself for not being able to do something, to trade places with her. I blamed myself for the world being denied her light. For months, I barely left this place. Days would go by when I couldn't even bring myself to get out of bed. Other days I would get up but neglect to wash or dress. Food became a luxury I rarely touched until I had to…and then I gorged myself until I was sick from overeating. I was a mess…and it wasn't really until a couple of months before I met you that I can really, honestly say that I no longer had those kinds of days. Sure over time, they became fewer but every now and then, I still wished it was me that had died and not Erin. Now…now I'm glad I didn't because I'd never have known you or the happiness you've brought into my life. I wish the circumstances of our meeting could have been different but I can't be sorry that we did meet." Kate pulled her arm away from the younger woman as she spoke, folding it around herself in a subconsciously protective gesture.

"No one can think any less of you for how you dealt with Erin's death. I can't imagine losing a child like that, your own flesh and blood who you had nurtured and taken care of from before they were born. I only wish I'd known you then, so I could have been there for you, with you, maybe stopped you from sinking to such a low…" Abbie murmured, her voice betraying her deep-seated affection for the fiery-haired woman beside her. She felt a phantom pain settling in the pit of her soul as she listened to the suffering Kate had had to bear.

"I think I needed to go to that darkest of places within myself to be able to heal…and to be able to truly appreciate what lies beyond it," Kate argued, appreciating her lover's sentiment even as she dismissed it.

"I just hate the thought of you hurting so badly and being alone," the US Attorney told her partner, wanting to reach out and hold her, to shield her again further pain brought about by discussing her daughter's death. Something in the other woman's demeanour prevented her from doing just that, suggesting that it would make her more uncomfortable rather than less so and that was the last thing Abbie wished to do.

"We all have our burdens to bear, sweetheart," Kate whispered, soothing her thumb over Abbie's furrowed brow. "I can't promise that there won't be times when I'll want to push you away, to try and deal with things alone but I do want you to know that I'll never intentionally do it to hurt you. And I will never turn you away if ever you want to talk to me about anything, anything at all. My ears, my arms, my heart, they're all open to you, always."

The dark haired prosecutor felt a weight of expectation, a pressing urgency to share something of herself as Kate had. Swallowing thickly, she falteringly began to speak. "I uh…back when I was a freshman…"

"Honey, it's not…I didn't mean you _had_ to tell me something right here, right now. If you want to talk about what happened your freshman year, I'm willing to listen…but only if it's your choice to tell me about it, not because you feel obliged. I'm not going anywhere, we've all the time in the world," the redhead interjected.

"You've been brave enough to be honest about yourself with me. The least I can do is reciprocate…and I want you to know what you're getting yourself into before we get any deeper into this. It's only fair," Abbie stated, bracing herself to bare her soul to the woman who had come to mean so much to her in such a short space of time. As though sensing just how difficult it was for her, Kate reached out, breaching the invisible barrier between them, and placed her hand tenderly on the young woman's forearm.

"Take your time, Abbie, and trust that no matter what you tell me, it won't make any difference to how I feel about you." In truth, Kate suspected she knew what was coming, having garnered enough clues from conversations they had had to at least have a strong inkling of what had happened to her over.

"His name was Todd. He was a third year law student. I was in denial about my sexuality and flattered that he was interested so I agreed to go on a date with him. He took me to a diner, bought me a burger for dinner and talked about himself, his family, his ambitions for most of the evening. As we left the diner, he offered to drive me home. I should have turned him down, insisted on getting a cab but I just thought he was a boring, self-centred, arrogant guy. He started driving, said he wanted to show me something and then he promised he would take me straight back to the dorm but that I really did need to see this amazing place he knew of. We pulled up on this deserted road overlooking the city. He jumped out of the car and came round to open my door. I told him I just wanted to go home but he assured me we would only be a few minutes." Abbie took a few shaky breaths, trying to compose herself as her mind was assaulted with images from that night. She could still remember the smallest details; how the grass felt against her face, the cloying scent of his aftershave, the faint sounds from the city sprawling below them intermingled with his grunts and her own sharp gasps. "I only told him no once, only asked him to stop that one time. When he ignored me and carried on, I just shut my eyes and tried to imagine myself anywhere but where I was. I wasn't a virgin, not by any means, but he was the first man…the first and only…to get anywhere near me…"

Kate had heard enough. Making Abbie recount her experience would serve no useful purpose for either of them. She gathered the younger woman close to her, cooing in her ear and assuring her that she was ok now, empty words she knew that would no more erase the experience than they could take back Erin's death. "You told him no. Once was enough. Once should have been all he needed. It wasn't your fault, Abbie."

"I told no one, not then, not for years. The only other person who knows I Jack McCoy and that was purely because I felt I needed to explain myself to him during a case back when I was working here at the DA's office. For years, I blamed myself for what happened that night with Todd and it was at that point I gave up on the notion of ever being worthy of anything other than a sexual partner for anyone. I was damaged goods, a whore who was only good for satisfying sexual urges in herself and others. After all, what kind of normal woman, what kind of lesbian orgasms while being raped?" If the admission shocked Kate, she managed to mask it well enough to fool Abbie into thinking her words had little effect.

"No woman is ever to blame for her own rape, no matter what physical reactions take place," the redhead stated, unwavering in her belief.

"It took me many, many years to accept that. Many years and many empty encounters with countless women who I used and tossed aside in an effort to fill the void inside me. Even when I accepted that I wasn't responsible for what happened that night, I still didn't believe I was worthy of love, that I would ever find it because of how I had behaved since then, the person I had become. I look at you, sometimes, and I still wonder what I'm doing here when it'll only lead to me inevitably hurting you." Abbie held up a hand to forestall the older woman's objections. "But then I look at you, really look at you, and that void, that massive empty space that I've gotten so used to being inside me, it just disappears. You make me feel like I _do_ deserve this, that I _can_ make it work. You asked me what I was day dreaming about before? I was imagining our first dance as spouses, life partners, wives, whatever you want to call it. Never in my life, even before Todd, did I dream I would find someone to marry and I'm not saying that it has to happen but for the first time in my life, I _can_ imagine it happening. It's not just some myth that other people understand but that leaves me clueless. So whilst I'm bound to find any number of ways to screw this up, it will never be because I don't want to share my future with you or because my past is telling me I'm stupid to think I can have this."

"You'd want to marry me?" Kate gasped in awe.

"I would, in a heartbeat, when the time is right and if at that point you're interested," Abbie assured her, having to brace herself hurriedly as the redhead launched herself into the Texan's arms, peppering her face with kisses.

"You're amazing, Abbie Carmichael and I do believe I'm the luckiest woman in the world," Kate drawled, imitating her lover's accent almost to perfection. "I really hope the day when we're both ready to get married isn't too far away because, whenever that may be, I will be honoured to stand up in front of everyone and tell them just how much I love you. I never thought I'd see a day when I wanted to make that kind of commitment to someone else again but with you, it feels like it would be just another natural step to take, somewhere along the line." After sharing a kiss which began sweetly but soon morphed into something hungrier and more passionate, Kate broke for air and rested her forehead against Abbie's. "Thank you, for opening up to me about your past…and your hopes for our future. I can't explain to you how much it means that you trust me enough to tell me but I will do everything within my power to show you that trust isn't misplaced."

"I don't doubt it, Kate," Abbie whispered, her heart racing as she struggled to quieten down the inferno of desire ignited by their passionate exchange, knowing that they still had much to organise and wanting to offer her assistance as much as possible while she could. "Shall we try again to find this band for your folks party before I give in to the urge to carry you off to the bedroom?" she asked, eyes imploring Kate to help her cool off.

"As much as I like the sound of that in theory, I have no desire to explain to your bosses why you're incapacitated after throwing your back out trying to carry me anywhere! Why don't I keep looking at bands and you go fix us some drinks? A little distance for a few minutes might help us both focus on my parents…rather than what I'd like to do to you right now!" Kate couldn't help but laugh at the frustrated growl her comments earned from Abbie, who shot off into the kitchen as though the hounds of Hell were after her.

It was somewhere in the region of ten minutes later when a calmer, more collected US Attorney strolled back into the lounge where Kate was engrossed in her search. The gangly brunette carried a tray bearing a pot of freshly brewed coffee and all the fixings they would need to satisfy their own preferences. Also on the tray was a bottle of brandy which Abbie had included for herself, needing something a little stronger to calm her frayed nerves, still on edge from their earlier discussion. As she slid her offerings onto the table, well away from where they might accidentally collide with the sensitive electrical equipment, she muttered, "I'll get you back for that later."

Kate cast a sideways glance at her, a wry grin spreading across her face. "I'll look forward to it," she retorted huskily. Both women settled back into their search, side by side, sipping brandy-laced coffee, with contented smiles, each looking forward to the remainder of the night.


	80. Chapter 79

_**Disclaimer: See chapter one.**_

_**Only a very short update, this one, but finally an update all the same! Apologies for the lack of movement on this story in such a long while - life away from the computer has changed dramatically in recent times and as a result, I've not much in the way of free time to explore my writing. I'll continue to drop by when I can with further updates and still remain committed to completing this tale - it just might take me a while longer than I'd like! Many thanks for your continued input and feedback, I do read all your messages/reviews etc, even when I don't have chance to reply individually.  
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_**Onwards...  
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><p><em><strong>Tuesday April 21st 2009<strong>_

_**21.57**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Alex mewled contentedly as she felt Olivia's hands probing the tender, knotted muscles in her back. Their evening had been a lazy one, spent lying in a loose and comfortable embrace on Alex's generous leather sofa - Liv's body mostly beneath the lithe blonde's own form - soft music playing in the background. Neither had needed any further distractions, happy to wallow in the cosy quiet of the other's company. There had been sporadic bursts of short conversation, the topics light and unchallenging, but for the most part they had lain silently together, exchanging occasional kisses and caresses, just taking the time to be together.

"How about we move this to the bedroom?" Liv murmured, drifting in that cosy place between waking and sleeping, not really conscious of her movements.

"Mmmm," Alex agreed drowsily but made no attempt to get off her lover.

"That would involve you standing up then, 'Lex," the brunette chuckled, the sound rumbling deep in her chest and vibrating through both their bodies.

"Comfy," the attorney griped, seemingly reduced to one-word responses.

"And you're more than welcome to return to this position once we're in bed, sweetheart, but we're both going to regret it by morning if we stay here," Olivia announced, forcing her brain to rouse itself from her daze.

"Promise?" the sleepy blonde asked releasing a deep sigh as she prepared herself to move from her blissful situation.

"Absolutely," Liv agreed, wondering whether she would need to carry her lover into the bedroom.

"Mm-kay, I'm up," Alex hummed, lingering just a moment longer before unfolding herself delicately, careful not to trap any stray limb beneath her as she rose to her knees, sitting back on her heels between Olivia's thighs.

Liv too sat up, laughing quietly as Alex immediately wrapped her slender arms around the brunette's back and laid her head on a broad shoulder. The detective rubbed gentle circles over her lover's back, revelling in the closeness and comfort they shared. The two women remained that way for a few more moments, continuing their quiet intimacy. When Alex's head grew heavier, Olivia knew she needed to give the younger woman another nudge to rise. "Come on sweetheart, time for bed."

"Your arms are magic," Alex murmured dreamily. "Everything's ok when you hold me."

Liv almost imperceptibly tightened her embrace upon hearing her lover's confession. "Everything is ok, isn't it? You're not having doubts about us, are you?" she asked softly, concern lacing her tone.

"No!" Alex assured, pulling her head back to allow her to look into worried brown eyes. "You…us…this is one of the few things I'm absolutely certain of right now."

"That's good to know," the detective stated with a tender smile, her eyes softening with love as she continued to gaze into Alex's crystal blue orbs. "Everything _will_ be ok, 'Lex. We'll get through this, the trial, everything and then we'll take a break, head up to that beach house of yours and just spend some time being together, as a couple, without distractions." The brunette traced the backs of her fingers down her lover's cheek, her smile widening as Alex leant into the caress. "I spoke to Captain Cragen earlier about taking some time out when we're through with the Mack case, a few weeks, a month maybe. I want to give myself a chance to really think what it is I want from my career now…and I want to make sure I give us the best opportunity to work out. If that means not working together to avoid conflicts of interest and needless arguments, so be it…as long as I get to spend evenings like this with you at least a few times a week."

"You shouldn't have to leave a job you love…" Alex protested, fighting her fatigue and aiming to withdraw from Olivia's embrace.

"…and I'm not promising that I will. It's a possibility, that's all, one option I want to take some time to explore. And whilst I still consider the job to be important…I'm not entirely convinced that I _do_ love it right now. I'm tired, Alex, so very tired of the never ending parade of evil that passes through our doors. I don't feel like we make a difference any more. I don't wholeheartedly believe I can offer the victims the support they deserve because I feel I need to hold a part of myself back to protect me from another situation like Jackson and O'Keefe. If…" Liv's voice cracked but she pressed on. "If anything happened to you…if anyone hurt you like Samia…I know it would kill me."

"Nothing is going to happen to me, Olivia. I won't let anyone take me away from you or you from me," Alex stated vehemently, ceasing her withdrawal in favour of firmly gripping her lover's upper arms.

"I really hope that's true, sweetheart," the detective said, reaching to cup the younger woman's cheek. "You mean the world to me. No matter what happens, never forget that or doubt it for a minute," she implored.

"When you look at me like that, how could I?" Alex replied with a soft smile, melting under the intensely intimate gaze of her partner. They drew together without being conscious of either of their movements, lips finding lips, arms wrapping around bodies moulding their curves to one another. Their kiss was languid, an affirmation of their deep-seated connection. As the need for air impressed itself upon them both, Alex whispered reverently, "take me to bed, Liv." The blonde's heart was racing, her skin alive to every touch from her lover and though the hunger within her was deep, it felt less frantic, less desperate than previously. She yearned to share a physical intimacy with the older woman just as strongly as ever but it felt like so much more than _just_ physical exchange - not that it had ever truly felt like it was just sex. Even in her own mind, her own heart, she struggled to quantify the difference but she knew that tonight, she was open to being touched by Olivia; body, heart and soul. The attorney shuffled off the couch backwards, unfurling her lithe body and stretching out her tired muscles without ever breaking eye contact with the woman who was gazing at her so lovingly. Liv followed her as though on autopilot, guided by her magnetic attraction to Alex, their feet carrying them through to the blonde's spacious bedroom.

"I feel like I'm dreaming," Liv murmured as her lover's hands found their way beneath her top, teasing the swarthy, silky skin of her abdomen. She let out a small yelp as Alex pinched her side, laughing at the mischievous sparkle in the younger woman's baby blue eyes.

"Definitely not dreaming," Alex hummed in response, sliding her hands higher, letting the soft material of Olivia's tee-shirt bunch up, forcing it upwards to expose more and more of her bronzed skin.

"That's good then…" Liv stated breathily, "…means you'll still be here when I wake up."

"Yes, I will. Tonight, tomorrow and for as long as you want me to be," Alex agreed readily, working the brunette's top off her muscular frame and tossing it casually aside, unconcerned for where it might land. Not content for her hands to be idle, the attorney immediately turned her attention to the drawstring holding Liv's yoga pants up, tugging firmly on the loose end and freeing the knot. "I want to feel you, all of you, against me. No barriers, skin on skin, full body contact," the young blonde stated huskily as she pushed her lover's remaining clothing from her frame.

"Oh God…" the detective moaned, feeling her knees weaken in response not just to the words but to the images which leapt into her mind as a result of them.

"Lie down for me, gorgeous. I'll be with you in just a minute," Alex instructed, steering the older woman towards the bed and pulling back the covers for her. As Liv slipped beneath the plush blankets, she watched through hooded eyes as her blonde goddess hurried into the en suite. A sliver of disappointment rushed through her that she wouldn't be the one to strip Alex in the same manner the attorney had but the promise of a whole night pressed up against her naked flesh was more than enough to chase that negativity away.

The detective was drifting in a blissful state of contentment by the time Alex re-appeared from the bathroom, her libido wide awake and her body humming with desire. She sucked in a sharp breath as her eyes roamed over the smooth, alabaster skin the younger woman was openly displaying for her. The blonde's nipples stood out proudly atop pert, modest breasts, already tight and ripe for Liv's lips to wrap around them. Olivia pulled her arm out from its cocoon beneath the blanket and beckoned her partner closer, throwing back the covers to allow Alex to join Liv under them.

"Sorry, my hands are a bit cold," Alex apologised, shivering as the change in temperature chased the evening's chill from her bones.

"All the more reason to come here and let me warm you up," Olivia murmured, moulding herself to Alex's taller, more lean frame and draping an arm over her slender waist.

Their curves slotted together as though custom-made as they sank into a renewed session of languid, unhurried kissing. The destination of their pursuit was not what mattered to either of them in that moment but rather the act of simply being, existing in the company of one who held your entire heart in their hands and treated it like the most precious jewel to ever exist. Their legs entwined, thighs nestling against the moist heat of each other's core, pressing into the swollen sensitive flesh there and eliciting deep rumbling groans of delight from both women. Liv let her hand slide downwards, stroking a narrow, angular hip before rounding it's curve to cup, knead and squeeze the pliant flesh of Alex's buttock, drawing the younger woman closer, pressing her more firmly against the brunette's leg. The attorney, in return, gripped tightly to Olivia's shoulder, writhing and gyrating sensually against her, inadvertently increasing the friction for them both.

"Be…careful…" Liv ground out, mindful of her lover's wellbeing even as she rocked into the lithe woman beside her, undulating in direct opposition to the blonde's motions.

"I'm fine," Alex panted, desperately wanting to feel more of her partner. "You feel…so…good…amazing," she gasped, rolling over and pushing Olivia onto her back without breaking their rhythm. With only minor readjustments to her position, the attorney found that she could comfortably press her core directly into Liv's own.

"Oh God…" Olivia groaned, feeling Alex's wetness against her sensitive flesh. She raised her hips higher, angling them more acutely, frantically attempting to gain more purchase, deeper contact, greater friction…just simply more of the wonderful, amazing, inspiring, bone-melting sensations coursing through her.

They rocked together, grasping at limbs to maintain their equilibrium, each driving the other ever closer to their peak. The brunette pushed herself up onto her elbows, forcing Alex to lean back a little, inadvertently creating a better angle with which to push against one another.

"Fuck!" the usually controlled attorney exclaimed as she wantonly gyrated, grateful to feel only slight twinges of discomfort from her still healing surgical site.

"So close…" Liv admitted through gritted teeth, fighting against the almost overwhelming need to close her eyes, not willing to block out the heady display before her.

"Me too," Alex agreed, reaching to grab her own breast and palming it roughly, knowing the additional jolts of arousal would undoubtedly tip her over the edge. The move unleashed a feral growl of raw primal desire from the woman beneath her who redoubled her efforts to reach the pinnacle of her own pleasure. Each of them was panting, gasping, groaning, moaning, forcing themselves to focus only on one another. Olivia crested scant seconds before her lover, releasing a keening wail as her back arched and her body spasmed uncontrollably, causing her to throw her head back and finally break the almost hypnotic gaze they had held.

Alex willingly tumbled into ecstasy in the wake of her partner, riding out the waves of her own orgasm with a long guttural moan of satisfaction. Her arm dropped listlessly from her breast, her body falling forward, landing comfortably atop Olivia's. She turned her head to the side, blowing limp hair from her face as she nestled into her lover's shoulder, drawing her hand up to rest between the older woman's generous breasts. Alex felt the thunderous heartbeat beneath her palm, knowing her own matched the tattoo it was playing out. Despite the very pleasurable distraction, they had unwittingly returned to a position very similar to that which they had been enjoying on the couch…and this time there was absolutely no reason in the world to need to move. Safe in that knowledge, Alex pressed a reverent kiss to Liv's flesh beneath her cheek and allowed her eyes to obey their need to close.

Recovering sufficiently, Olivia reached for the blankets, tugging them over their nude bodies to ward off the chill she knew would arrive once the afterglow of their coupling faded. She settled back into the mattress, relishing Alex's weight on top of her. The brunette placed a protective hand in the small of her partner's back, holding her in place, assuring her that she wanted her to remain where she was and let herself drift back into a contented stupor, on the verge of sleep.

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><p><em><strong>Wednesday April 22nd 2009<strong>_

_**03.13**_

_**Alexandra Cabot's apartment, Belmont Towers, Upper East Side**_

Olivia was woken with a start by the abrupt interruption of her cell phone ringing, not an unusual occurrence but an unwelcome intrusion on her sleep. With a groan, she roused herself from her slumbers, fumbling in the dark for the annoying device. Alex sighed loudly as she too stirred, disturbed by the sound of her lover's phone. The attorney followed Liv as the brunette rolled onto her back, the two women having migrated during their sleep until they were spooned together, Olivia wrapped protectively around Alex from behind.

As she squinted at the time, the detective unleashed a further groan, knowing that a call from Abbie at this hour could never signal good news.

"Abs, what's up?" she croaked, trying to keep her voice down in the hopes that Alex would simply sink back into a deep sleep. Her hopes were dashed as the younger woman propped herself up on one elbow, soothing her hand comfortingly across Olivia's flat stomach.

"_Is Alex there? I'm really sorry to wake you guys but I need to speak to her and she's not picking up on her cell,_" the Texan explained hurriedly, her tone causing Liv's body to tense and her pulse to increase its tempo.

"What is it, Abbie? What's going on?" the brunette asked, suddenly wide awake, brain racing with all manner of possibilities. "Has O'Keefe got to someone else?"

The mention of the elusive murderer's name stilled Alex's hand, her own body freezing as her muscles locked up in an instinctive preparation to flea or fight whatever threat was approaching.

"_Please Liv, is she there?_" Abbie pleaded, grateful to Kate for the gentle shoulder rub she had begun in an effort to convey her silent support and comfort.

"Abbie needs to talk to you," Liv informed Alex, somewhat sullenly, sour that her friend wouldn't tell her directly what was going on.

The blonde took to the phone from her partner with a confused expression. "Abs?" she merely said, a number of questions in her tone.

"_Thank God you're ok. I've called you about a dozen time, you weren't answering your phone. I was worried senseless!_" Abbie's voice rattled over the line like gunfire, tone clipped and urgent.

"It must still be on silent from when we were in court earlier. What's going on? Where's the fire Carmichael? It's three in the morning!" Alex sniped back, not appreciating having been disturbed from a particularly sensuous dream involving the brunette laying back down beside her, scowl firmly in place still. Abbie's next words however chased any cheerful thought from the attorney's mind.

"_Sandy Brunswick was found dead this evening,_" Abbie stated dejectedly. "_Alex, we've gotta get this bastard…and soon._"

For long moments, there was a stunned silence on the end of the line. Abbie almost begun to suspect that the call had been disconnected until there was a deep sigh in her ear. "What happened?" Alex asked, tone subdued and contrite.

"_Massive heroin overdose but it wasn't…it wasn't self-inflicted. Morientes and Sykes were contacted by Miami PD after a memory stick was found with a note… addressed to Olivia. They ran Olivia's name looking for a connection to Sandy, came across the Pathitis case and saw the alert regarding O'Keefe. They're sending all available footage from surveillance cameras near to where Sandy was found, along with the video that the memory stick contained. I want to be there when Sykes and Morientes watch that, I thought you might want to as well…but Liv can't come along," _Abbie rambled, mind racing and hyper-alert despite the earliness of the hour.

"Of course I want to be there. I'll meet you at the precinct. Don't you dare let them start without me," Alex instructed, already climbing out from beneath the blankets and beginning to stumble about in the dark, feeling for where she had tossed her clothing from the night before.

Olivia flicked on the lamp, which stood on the bedside table nearest to her, flooding the room with a warm pale glow. "What's going on?" the detective queried, making to rise from the bed herself.

"I have to go to the precinct. There's been a development with the case that I need to be there for. I'm sorry Liv… Please, stay here? Don't go back to your place now, it's late and…well…even though I have no idea what time I'll get back…I'd just really like it if I wasn't coming home to an empty apartment." Alex was aware that she was rambling, even as she dashed around the room collecting strewn clothing and tossing into the laundry hamper. She grabbed a faded, worn pair of denims from her closet and a soft cotton tee from her dresser, opting for comfort over her usual work attire. The attorney roughly dragged her hair back into a loose pony tail without even running a brush through it before grabbing a warm-up jacket she usually wore when on her early morning run.

"Promise me…" Liv began, her voice faltering as she considered all the possibilities. "Please just tell me…it's not Gina or Fausto…or El…"

"It's not," Alex hastened to assure her fraught partner, sweeping her up into a tight embrace and pressing a firm kiss to her ruddy cheek. "Don't open the door to anyone. I'm going to tell the night doorman that we're accepting no visitors for the time being, just until I know what's going on. I'm damned if I'll let anything happen to you," the prosecutor stated, voice firm in her conviction that she would do anything in her power to protect the woman she loved.

"And who'll make sure nothing happens to you?" Olivia asked quietly, clinging to Alex worriedly.

"I'm going to be in a police precinct, Abbie will be with me most of the time too…and you know she would never let anything happen without a fight. Whatever else she might be, Abs is loyal and fiercely protective. I'll be fine sweetheart so please, humour me and just keep warm under the blankets - I'm not going to patronize you by telling you to get some sleep - and I will be back before you know it," Alex said softly, attempting to reassure herself as much as the nervy brunette. There was a solid mass of dread sitting squarely in the pit of her stomach as she released her lover and turned to leave the bedroom. A sudden urge overcame her as she reached the doorway. Leaning heavily on the doorjamb, she turned back and locked eyes with Olivia. "I love you, Olivia Benson. I have done for a very long time and will do for as long as I can imagine. Never doubt that, never forget it, no matter what happens. I love you, so very, very much."

"Don't…don't you dare say goodbye to me like that and then walk out when I don't have a clue what it is you're walking out on me for!" the brunette barked, flying from the bed and gripping Alex tightly, clinging to her as though her life depended on that tenuous connection. The fears which Liv had been managing to keep a lid on threatened to burst the banks of their temporary restraints. Her heart began to pound, its beat sounding loud in her ears as the blood pumped through her veins. Adrenaline levels spiked and her breathing became rapid, more shallow with each passing second.

"Liv?" Alex called, concerned by the look of terror on her girlfriend's face and the vacant glaze in her usually expressive eyes. "Olivia! Liv, come on, look at me sweetheart. Look at me, I'm fine, you're fine, we're both fine. Everything's going to be ok. We're going to get this bastard. He's going to pay for what he did to Sam, to you, to everyone he's harmed on this crusade he's on. He won't get away with it and we'll make damn sure he doesn't get the chance to hurt anyone else." The attorneys statement was uttered with such fierce conviction, mostly driven by the knowledge that with Sandy Brunswick out of the way, that realistically only left Olivia and Elliot who had been directly involved in the Edward O'Keefe case. It didn't bear thinking about how either would cope if something happened to the other - for all their tensions of late, they were still like brother and sister, a deep bond forged by shared experiences and dedication to their line of work.

"Please say you'll come back to me? I won't ask you not to leave…I know I have no right to do that… but please, please say you'll come home, to me, when you can?" Olivia whispered desperately, tears gathering in her eyes.

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be than with you, beside you, in your arms. Please…be here for me to come home to?" Alex replied, allowing a small sliver of her own fear to shine through as she realised this would be another test of Liv's readiness to stand firm in the face of a threat rather than turn and run in order to protect her already battle weary heart.

"I'll be waiting for you," the brunette promised, pressing a watery kiss to the younger woman's lips and giving her one final squeeze before releasing her. Olivia scrubbed at her face with both hands, trying to clear the sorrow from her gaze.

"I'll be home as soon as I can," Alex told her sincerely, stepping backwards out of the door before she succumbed to her own fear and refused to leave her partner's side. Something in her subconscious told her that there was a monster lurking in the shadows around her, a deeply unsettling sense of foreboding cloaking her in nervous paranoia as she left the comfort and safety of her apartment. She checked and double checked the corridor before venturing any further, listening for sounds, for any telltale sign that this imaginary bogie man was real and waiting to ambush her. Only when she was satisfied that she was alone did she make the short trek to the elevator and begin her descent to the lobby. Her keen mind turned to the conversation she intended to have with the doorman, to do everything in her power to ensure Olivia was as safe as she could be until Alex knew what the level of threat was following the discovery of Sandy's body. The relentlessness of Eddie's uncle disturbed her more greatly than she cared to admit. He had the air of a man on a suicide mission, determined to see his agenda realised, regardless of the cost…and she deeply feared that Olivia was to be his swansong.


End file.
